Haleh Banani – How Do You Forgive In A Marriage

			How many of you have been in an argument with your spouse? where suddenly they drag something in
from here years ago, maybe seven years ago, eight years ago? And you just stuck? You're wondering,
how is it that they even remember what had happened? I'll give you a scenario with one of the
couples I was doing marriage counseling with. They were in an argument and the wife starts to bring
up something from nine years ago, not what was the incident that happened. She was Nursing at the
time, and she was starving at a friend's house. And that served the meal. But she was so busy
nursing her child that she couldn't get up and go get the meal. Now husband, happy go lucky guy.
		

			He's there. They invite him. They say, Come, he goes, he eats. And yeah, the good old time.
Meanwhile, she's sitting there wondering, why is he thinking about me? Why didn't he make a plate of
food for me, I'm busy feeding the baby. And he is like, totally neglecting me. So this came up. And
the husband was pretty frustrated. It's like, I can't believe she drank something from nine years
ago. But why did she try it because she was still hurt. She was still feeling that he didn't get it,
he didn't understand. And that was one of the stories that kind of clarified to her. The fact that
she's a lot of times ignored or her emotions are not tended to, and she doesn't feel nurtured in the
		

			relationship. I got a question. And that said, How do you forgive in a marriage? So it really
pertains to this, how do you forgive? First of all, you have to feel that you have been heard and
understood, you have to take the time to have a discussion about what happened. Now, if that
incident happened, what I'm guessing is that it happened, and she may have gotten matched, you may
have just ignored it, or she may have just gotten mad about it. And there was no resolution, there
was no exchange. She didn't feel heard, she didn't feel understood. And it wasn't, it wasn't
resolved. And that's why she's carrying this emotional baggage all these years. So the first step is
		

			to make sure that you address the things that come up on a daily basis. Don't let it pile up. Don't
pack it away. What happens in your home, if you don't maintain on a daily basis, what happens if you
keep the dishes piled up, what happens to the garbage, if you don't take it out each day creates a
huge mess. And that's exactly what happens in marriages. When you're not doing the daily cleanup in
your marriage, the daily forgiveness and discussions and resolving, then emotional garbage piles up
in your heart, and it's going to come up, it's going to come in overflow, where if it's not
resolved, you're going to think about it 10 years later. So make sure that I daily basis, you're
		

			addressing the things that are concerning you in a diplomatic way you bring it up, you discuss it in
a mature kind way. And as long as you make your spouse feel heard, understood, and you show some
level of empathy, then most of the time it could be resolved. See, she never felt like he got it, he
still didn't get it. When we were in the therapy sessions. Like I don't, I don't understand. I ate
my meal. why she's so mad. Why. And once we got it to a point where he acknowledged the fact that
she felt neglected, she wanted to be cared for. She's putting all her heart and soul into taking
care of the baby, that she just wants her husband to be looking out for her. Once he got that, then
		

			she was able to put it to rest and not bring it off again. So your own marriage, make sure that
prior to forgiving. You have to discuss, resolve, feel hurt and feel understood. That is an
important step that a lot of people just overlook. They're like, you know, just be patient. Just be
forgiving. Well, you know what, if you're not getting these address, it piles up, and you will get
to a point where you will explode. And when that explosion occurs, everyone's like what happened. I
don't even know why she's so angry. But it's because it hasn't been dealt with on a daily basis. So
make sure you do the daily maintenance in your marriage. If anything comes up, you discuss it. You
		

			make your spouse feel heard and understood, you empathize. And then that way you are resolving the
problems on a daily basis. And then once you do that, though, you do have to let go because I know
that a lot of times women are notorious for this is that we like to hang on to all of these things
like to hang on to them, and it's kind of used as a weapon later on when
		

			An argument comes up five, six years later, and that's not healthy, so try your best to let go once
you have disgust. I hope you've enjoyed watching this video. My name is Khalid banani. I'm a
therapist in clinical psychology and a marriage counselor. For the past 20 years. I've worked with
individuals from across the globe and then handed law as the founder of the five pillars of marriage
program. I know it's effective. So if you benefited from this, like it, share it with your friends
and family and also subscribe to my channel so you can get more videos. Thank you for watching.