Channel: Haleh Banani
A Process for Effectively Managing and Processing Your Emotions
it's picking up more and more
to explain this
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okay can you hear me now? Salaam aleikum thank you so much absolutely no sound What about now?
Okay, Salam Alikum How is it now? Yes. Are we good?
Sounds like it's being resolved right away. All right. Good. Hamdulillah I think you move this a little bit. Okay. All right, just like a blockade and for your patience you all have
mashallah prophetic patience.
Well, I couldn't do it without abdulmajeed
I don't know what happened to Mike got unplugged completely from the back. It's okay in sha Allah, this is in the way. So my sha Allah behind the scenes, my husband is working very hard on the Majeed. So whenever you make the AW, make sure you include my husband because none of this would have been possible without his support. All right, this villa was Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah Welcome to a mindful Ramadan leaving a legacy, we're so happy you're able to make it and made it throughout the throughout the season, Masha, Allah, you know, with internal bleeding, it's very dangerous because it's invisible. And if you don't tend to it, you find that a person can actually
they can lose their life because they haven't tended to the emotional to the internal bleeding. Same thing with internal bleeding. If you have emotional bleeding, what ends up happening is that you don't recognize it. You're not seeing it, but slowly, your spirit, your soul, your relation, everything is dying. So we really need to see what is this all about? We're going to start with our PowerPoint in sha Allah. So it's like Allah here. God bless you, too. And we are ready to go and saw love. All right. So what is emotional maturity, we all need emotional maturity, if we have emotional maturity, we won't be bleeding on others. Okay, so let's see, what is this all about. And this is
from one of the lessons on my mentorship program, the mindful Hearts Academy. And this is where I help women empower women to gain more insight to gain more emotional stability and emotional intelligence. So emotional, mature person, how can we get the PowerPoint to be larger? So can we make it large screen?
All right, yes. All right, thank you, that's better. So emotionally mature person, they know how to cope with their emotions, okay, and the emotions of other they are Intune they are they're understanding themselves, and they understand others. And what you have to recognize is that, you know, with emotional maturity, it's something that can be learned, these are skills that you can learn, and a lot of times people have not had the example they were not raised by emotionally mature people, if someone was raised by a person who always yelled and smack then you know, handled things violently, then you don't get to practice you don't get to learn so it is very important to make
sure that we these are lessons that we are learning that you can learn. Sister Nadia saying this was an amazing session, so much self discovery in the mindful Hearts Academy. Alhamdulillah so because we were not taught and we didn't have the example, we many people do not gain that emotional maturity. And what is another sign of emotional maturity is being emotionally stable, right? People have this this tendency to be really high and they're really low and then really high. So it's a lot of moodiness, right, you find that a person even throughout the day, they tend to be extremely moody, right?
So we want to like try to get to a point where we are emotionally stable, we're not having those peaks, peaks and the drops, right. So what are some of the characteristics of an emotionally mature person? You know, in all the sessions I've done over the past 25 years, I've had the privilege and honor and humbleness of working with 1000s of people worldwide. And what I have seen one of the number one reasons for problems in relationships, whether it's in marriages, whether it's in parenting, in whatever relationship you can think of or even personal problem, it has been because of lacking maturity right?
Right, so it's immaturity not being an adult. And most people have not, like I said, have not had that train. So we're going to talk about what are some of the characters is self awareness, you have to know yourself, you have to really prioritize. Getting to understand where you are coming from, where are these emotions coming from? One of the things I'm so grateful for when I chose to do psychology, and it's been my passion for over 30 years of studying the human psyche, understanding the emotions, understanding, where am I, Where's all this coming from. And when you piece the puzzles together, it gives you such clarity it makes you understand yourself. And as you understand
yourself, you're better able to understand others so that self awareness is so critical. That's what we do we explore on the mindful Hearts Academy. It's all about self, you know, self exploration, understanding, and then finding your strengths and weaknesses to be able to navigate life better. The second characteristic is accountability. See, in Assam, one of the most important aspects of our deed which keeps us on track is knowing that we're going to be accountable one day, we're going to stand in the corner of Allah, and we're going to have to answer for every backbiting that we did for every time, we will press every time we still there is a lot of different ways of stealing, you can
steal other people's work, you can steal things, and whether it's at work or in your home, whatever it is, you are going to have to account for what what you have said and done, whether you hurt someone's feelings or whether you hurt someone's image. And imagine on that day, when you go people can go with mountains full of good deeds. And you know what the Prophet sallallaahu Selim says that who is the bankrupt person, and the Sahaba said, the bankrupt person is a person who has no money. He said, No, the bankrupt person is the person who shows up on the Day of Judgment with mountain full of good deeds, the prayer the fasting, that beyond the, you know, the all the good deeds, the
charity, but then because they hurt people, because they took their rights because they were oppressive to their family members or to people in the community, one by one, what ends up happening is that they're gonna, there's going to be accountability, you're going to have to take their bad deeds, right, you're gonna have to you they're gonna have to pay, you're gonna have to pay. And if you can't, what ends up happening is that a person will get rid of all their good deeds, and then they start taking the bad deeds of other people. How unfortunate like, right now we're all we're fasting right now. We've been doing RPR we've been reading the Quran, imagine passing that away,
giving it away to who to people that you probably dislike. So we got to really guard ourselves and know that that accountability is what keeps people on track and saying, You know what, no matter what, I'm not going to stoop down to that. Because I know that there's going to be a day that I'm going to be held accountable, then there, it's about self control. Self control is a result of knowing there's going to be accountability. I'm not going to just go around and say whatever I want about people, I'm going to like ruin people's reputation. I'm not going to just go and take out my anger with violence. Because I know, again, there's going to be accountability. And I want to
control myself, the humility, what an important characteristic that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam embody. And he encouraged us to have that humility. Because if we have a sense of arrogance, what did the Prophet sallallaahu Salam say about the person who has a mustard seed? How many of you have seen a mustard seed is pretty small, okay. Anyone who has a mustard seed of arrogance in their heart, what happens? They're not even going to be able to smell Jana, and many of us I would say, all of us have some level of arrogance that we need to work on. At some level, right? Someone could be arrogant about their, you know about the wealth, they have acquired some it could be about their
intelligence, some could be about their heritage, or their culture or, or whatever it is, and we need to constantly work on ourselves, and to be more humble, self acceptance, what is self acceptance is all about. So this is an area where many women struggle with they, they struggle with their sense of not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, right? I'm sure a lot of men may have some feelings of inadequacy as well. And it's about coming to terms, coming to terms with your past, coming to terms with your abilities, coming to terms with so many things that are in your life. And that's self acceptance, once you accept yourself and that doesn't mean Oh, I'm just going
to be mediocre or acceptance means I give up no. It's a matter of saying okay, I know where I am. So you know, whenever you want
Want to set the GPS? First you have to know your destiny, you have to know your destination, but also where are you starting off. And that really helps in getting to know who you are where you're at right now in order to work towards improvement, gratitude, right? If you are not, if you are grateful Allah will increase it. So showing that gratitude and when you have that feeling of you know what i We're so blessed. You wake up in the morning, and you have a, you know, this excitement for life. And most people lack that most people as soon as they open up their eyes there thinking, Oh, no, it's Monday. Oh, no, the kids, the work the what responsibilities, rather than thinking that
this is the most amazing gift in the world to be able to open up your eyes, you're breathing, you're healthy. You have you have a roof over your head, you have so many blessings, we all have so many blessings. And yet, how dare we how do we how are we even capable of whining and complaining when there's so many blessings. And when you start your day with that feeling of gratitude, what ends up happening is that you instantly feel better, doesn't matter what your circumstances are. Another is it is about can we make the screen bigger, if we can make it bigger and make me smaller? There we go. All right. So then it's about having compassion. This is one of the traits that the Prophet
salallahu alayhi salam embodied, regardless, or even better, thank you.
Alright, so regardless of how he was treated, he had compassion. And it was that compassion that penetrated the hearts of even his his enemy. And they embraced Islam through his compassion through his love. And many times, as a person becomes more and more religious, they become more and more judgmental, they become more and more, maybe sometimes harsh. So we have to make sure that compassion is what we are, we are spreading. And Allah says to the, to the Prophet, salallahu Alaihe Salam, if you had been harsh, the people would have run away. So we need to embody this compassion to our spouse to our children. First and foremost, when we show harshness, when we are mean when we
are negligent, we are pushing them away, pushing them away from us and pushing them away from Islam. So we have to have compassion in our hearts being other centered, right? Sometimes individuals
that are emotionally mature, they're more considerate. They're aware of the people around them. There are individuals who are very self absorbed, they don't see beyond themselves. So when you're other centered in that you are considerate, you care about people, you look out for them, you try to help them and then being open minded, where you're not just it's not just black and white. Oh, you do this. You're blacklisted. Many people unfortunately are like this. We are living in that canceled culture. And what ends up happening is that when one person does something wrong, or you deem it as being inadequate, or you find Oh, you know, his beard is not long enough. Oh, she wears a colorful
hit job. Oh, she's celebrates a birthday. He does. Whatever it is, and you use just blacklist the person. This is not Brotherhood or sisterhood. This is not what Allah wanted us to experience. It's not about going around and finding clones of yourself right? Spiritual clones. You look look, look, look, this one's extremists. This one's a loser. This one is you know, to relax. And when you find someone who is exactly like you, then you're oh, this person this, they're perfect. This is this is the person right? We need to have that compassion in our hearts. We need to be able to be not just tolerant. I feel like tolerance is a word you're just tolerating right? But it's this idea of people
are at different stages of their emaan people are at different stages of understanding and for us to have that sense of diplomacy and that understanding that we need to all be working together and helping one another. So that is being open minded. Okay.
Then the image emotionally immature people, okay, emotionally immature. They feel like the world revolves around them. It's all about me, me, me, me, me. They're only thinking about themselves. And they're not able to have stable relationships. If you see that individuals who are emotionally immature, they have basically a trail of broken relationships, because there's always this up and down up and down moodiness and so
Do you find that the relationships are not stable? And it is constant moodiness so if you find that you can relate to any of these characteristics, what I always say is, it's good to recognize that it's good to recognize if you are more towards the emotionally immature. And Allah has you in this for a reason. You guys you could be sleeping, you could be doing so many so many things right now. But you're here you're here for a reason you're here you're meant to listen to this, you're meant to get this message and maybe in your DUA was the dewasa you've been making during Ramadan has been your Allah guide me, y'all Allah helped me help me with my relationship. Well guess what? being
emotionally mature will help you in every aspect of life, as a parent, as a spouse as as a successful person in society dealing with the community. So this could be the message that you have been in sha Allah praying for and it will, it will guide your heart. So what are the characteristics of emotionally immature people?
First of all, they're egocentric, everything is about again, Mee Mee Mee, Mee Mee right. So whatever topic comes up, it comes back to them. And it's only looking at things from their perspective, blaming others, right, never seeing any fault within themselves. So it's always it's my spouse, my kids, the society, the community, the masjid, the whatever, they're always blaming others and never looking within. So if you find that you're never taking responsibility, and you can tell, you can really tell when and this is connected to another one that we're going to get into the lack of conflict resolution, when you bring up like, this bothers me this went wrong, there is some kind of
criticism, and there's immediate gaslighting, right, it's like, well, I did this because you did this are never owning, never owning a problem never owning that you did anything wrong, because everyone else to blame, then it's about being dependent on others. Someone who is emotionally immature, they're dependent. They're always needy, needy of other people, and it just starts feeling very, like clingy. Right, then some have their control freaks, we're going to use that. The control freak, where there is this tendency of wanting to micromanage wanting to control their spouse, their children, anyone that they are with, and they are drama queens are, we should say also drama kings,
drama queens were there, you know, there are some people. And it's very sad that because they grew up in a very dysfunctional household, and there was a lot of chaos, and there's a lot of fighting, and maybe neglect, what ends up happening is that they actually become quite addicted to this environment. And this is all subconscious, they don't realize it. And so they are constantly recreating what is familiar to them. So you find that many people live, they live off of that drama, they lack conflict resolution, you know, I would safely say, probably over 90% of people don't have conflict resolution skills. What do they do they either explode when something goes wrong, or they
cut off, that's the easiest thing I'm going to cut. I'm not going to talk with them anymore. You want to solve the problem. We can talk we can we can resolve this? Nope, I'm not talking about it. This is really a sign of immaturity. And it is through conflict where a person's character shines through, okay? It's easy to be nice, you're nice to me, I'm nice to you. But when a conflict arises, and it's how this person deals with the conflict, then you can see their true colors, then you can see their true character. So some people have emotional tantrums, emotional tantrums, and that when things do not go their way, what happens, they yell, they scream, they cry, they just want to do
whatever it takes in order to to get their way. And this emotional tantrum is very, it's, it's draining. It is really, it's draining other people. And it's draining yourself if you do this, and there are some people who actually this is strategy. It is a strategy and I've had clients admit this to me that, you know, I
if if something doesn't go by, I just I just yell and scream, or I make my spouse miserable. And then they they do whatever I want, right? But if you think about how this function
You know, that is how dysfunctional that people are tiptoeing around, they're walking on eggshells, they're so afraid about, you know, oh my god, I'm gonna say something she's gonna crack, he's gonna get angry, we're gonna have an outburst. And for people to live in that state is very, very dysfunctional, and it's and it's draining, and it's stressful. Then about they're judgmental. So individuals who are immature, they're very, very judgmental it is they see things black and white. And you're either good or you're bad. And sadly, what happens is that the more religious a person becomes, the more judgmental they become. So they start thinking, Well, you know, oh, well, I do
this, and so and so doesn't, and how could you not be as good or what is wrong with you, and it just this judgment is really sad. And this really breaks our, this breaks the unity in our community. So we have to be aware of not being judgmental, to being accepting again, it goes to people being at different stages in their emaan. And when you are non judgmental, that's the only time you can impact them. And this lack of lack of empathy, there are some people who just simply do not care about the feelings of other people. And they will stampede their feelings, right? So it's, it's this because they're egocentric. They're not worried about the other person. Okay. All right. So we have
what is called energy vampires. These are individuals who will literally utilize suck the energy out of you, right. And this is from
Judith, Judith, Orloff. She talks about like energy vampires, they SAP energy out of people, because of their emotional, mature immaturity. So all those characteristics that I just said, Imagine being with a person like that, of course, you're going to be drained, because it's like, it's either blaming or negativity or all of these characteristics that will get you to be very lacking in energy, the inability to handle emotion goes back to some trauma. So most of these individuals had trauma in their childhood, and they never addressed it. The sad thing is, people think you know what, it's past, I'm good, I have a good life now. But you know, what doesn't matter how great your
life is, if you have not resolved past issues, it is going to come and haunt you, you are going to have a dysfunctional household you are going to, you are going to feel a sense of like, you're going to have certain problems in your life when you don't address the issues. Okay. Now, some people do it intentionally. Like I said, there are some people who will, what do they do? You know, I am going to use this person, and I am going to strategically demand what I want. I'm going to withdraw my love or I'm going to make their life hell in order to get what I want. Some people it's all intentional. Okay.
And then, but there are others. Who are they do it unintentionally? Okay, maybe some of you listening are like, Oh, my gosh, I do that. Yeah, I had a few of those characteristic. And maybe it's not like you're plotting and planning and you're not mischievious or, you know, manipulative. But you're doing this, right. So some people do it intentionally, some do it unintentionally. And those who do it intentionally, they seek their prey. They look for vulnerable people who are the vulnerable people, people who are just maybe really good hearted. They're really, they go along with whatever you say, there. There may be more quiet, soft spoken, they will target the strong
personalities, they usually target someone who is just really good hearted. And that's how they can take advantage. And we can and this is a really important thing to
it. Can you help someone with emotional immaturity? Well, we're gonna, we're gonna find out right? Just see that there is a way in sha Allah. And what's really important to recognize is that sometimes we can be the emotional, we could be the energy vampires, we may be that and because we go through different stages in our lives, right? And there are times maybe you're going through a lot of problems. Maybe there's a divorce, you're going through maybe your children are struggling. It's like a financial pressure. And you might be at that moment in time. You are having to just unload repeatedly, right?
And so that is fine. We all go through that. I know I've had stages in my life when I was really tested. And I had to count on my friends and I had to unload certain things that were going on in my life, right? And as long as we try to balance it, right, so the individuals
I'm so glad thanks so much. It's a highly it's a very beneficial talk that is inviting us to self reflection and hamdulillah it's all about self reflection on mindful Hearts Academy, getting to know yourself understanding and doing the inner work you have to do the inner work in order to cleanse your heart because this test kit that we talk about purify your heart, purify it from anger from from adult animosity, jealousy, it doesn't just happen there is a psychological component definitely we can do vicar, we can report on we can pray, all of that is beautiful. And it's such a important aspect of the test Kia there's also the psychological component where we have to do that internal
work and when you start understanding why you feel those things, not just saying oh, that's bad, let's let's do away with it. But understanding why. Why are you jealous? Why do you have this anger? Where did it originate? How can I process it? How can I channel it? Then that test kiya is so profound because you're combining the psychology and the Islam together? Sister Olivia, I'm a member of mindful Hearts Academy MHA teaches us to live a life with purpose live a life with congruence with our beliefs. This pop from educates us to know our emotions so we can go to psycho Lafayette and mashallah sister Olivia? For sharing that because it helps to hear from the members right. So
what are signs of emotional drain? Okay. And sister not to say if you're enjoying this sisters, you will really love the mindful Hearts Academy just like a locker sister Nadia, signs of emotional drain one, it's an insomnia. Now, why do people have insomnia? What ends up happening is that they are so stressed. They're always overthinking. They're replaying, they're ruminating. So they end up having insomnia, lack of motivation, right? When you are constantly drained. Emotionally, you don't feel like doing anything. There's hopelessness, right? So when you are emotionally abused, what ends up happening is that there's a feeling of hopelessness, you know, a lot of a lot of people who are
in abusive marriages, what ends up happening, because they've been told they're worthless, and they can't do anything, right. And there's so much criticism, then they just feel like they believe it, then they feel like they're stuck. And then there's the constant crying, right. And there are individuals, they will tell me like they drop off their kids at school, maybe eight o'clock in the morning, and they cry all day long until it's time to pick him up. This is this is really, it's draining, it's dysfunctional. I understand that. Sometimes people are going through so many battles all at once, all at once. It could be your marriage, it could be your kids, it could be fine as a
death of a family member. It's like everything falls apart at the same time. And it is overwhelming. However, I would say designate time for the crying designee. And that way,
you're not spending your entire day. Just feeling sorry for yourself because feeling sorry for yourself. What ends up happening is that you have that feeling of helplessness, right? So the constant cry. What's interesting is that tears, tears contain a natural painkiller. Isn't that amazing? That's why like when you cry, you actually feel good afterwards. But we don't want to do it all day long. Don't Don't say yeah, I'm doing it for the natural painkillers. You do it for a designated amount of time, get it out of your system, and then get back on track. Irritability. When you're completely depleted, what happens? You have no patience for anyone, or like, Oh my God, just
leave me alone. You are at you know, you're drowning. And this is what I see all the time. People are drowning in their emotions, they're bleeding, emotionally bleeding, and they have no bandwidth for anyone else. And that's why they snap at their spouse, they snap at their kids, they snap at community members. So that's why it's so critical. This is such an important aspect of being a good Muslim, being a good Muslim. Because if we are not dealing with our emotions, if we don't address it if we don't clean up the mess if we don't stop the bleeding, how are we going to deal with others? How are we going to earn Jenna through our spouse? No way are you going to earn gender through your
spouse? If you're constantly emotionally
drowning, how are you going to raise your children in an upright way it teaches them self confidence, love of the deen and instilling them with hope in the future. If you yourself are drowning, this is what I want to ask you like how it's impossible. And this is why it is so critical for us to work on ourselves. In nulla, Halla yoga Yiruma begelman had yoga Yiruma be forced to him, that Allah will not change the condition of the people until they change themselves. So we have to work on ourselves, stop blaming your spouse, stop blaming your kids stop blaming the community, it is your responsibility to clean up the emotional mess, it is your responsibility to understand
yourself and to to really overcome all of these all of these complexities, all these complexes that people have, and that tests Kia, the emotional, the test gear, the spiritual test gear can only come when you've actually understood what's going on. Right? You can't just like say, Okay, I'm not going to be jealous anymore. No more No more hanger, no bad, bad, bad anger. No, you gotta understand it, I see where the anger coming from. I see it was because I was mistreated. It's because I was neglected because of that. And we don't do it to blame our parents or blame community. It's about understanding where this does come from. And when you understand where it comes from, that's when
you can address it. When you understand the reason behind your frustration behind your insecurities. That is when you can actually say, You know what, I'm ready to tackle this. And this is what the sisters are talking about that they have gone through this. They have you learned about themselves. They've seen they've tackled their shadows, they've known that Oh, my God, I got I got some, whether it's skeletons in the closet, dealing with your demons dealing with your shadows, we've all have it. And if you don't deal with it, it will come and haunt you. It will come and haunt you. So it's so critical for us, for us to address it. So how do you deal with emotional vampires? I think someone
was asking that earlier. How do we deal with it? Right? First, you have to recognize you have to recognize they leave you feeling negative, okay, so you interact with someone.
And instead of feeling elated, and energetic and happy this is this is what should come out of an interaction, right? You feel negative, and you don't understand what's going on. They're always having a bad day. Now, all of us have bad days, all of us have trials and tribulations we go through. But if a person is in the habit of constantly having one bad day after another, then that can be problematic, okay? Know yourself and stay grounded. When you know yourself. Okay, when you know who you are, then you're not as easily affected. You're not affected by others see yourself, okay. It's kind of like a sturdy oak tree. There are some people that they are just so
impressionable. And they could be, they could be 56 years old, it doesn't matter. I'm not talking just about the teenagers here. I'm talking about people who are more impressionable, and whoever they're with, they kind of like a chameleon, they keep changing, right? So you have to be kind of like an oak tree. Right? And you with your soul roots, deeply grounded. Okay? And when you do that, then you're not easily swayed. Okay.
Protecting your personal space, can we make this bigger? All right, protecting your personal space, you know, it is definitely it's nice to be friendly, right? But you're not obligated to be friends with everyone. And, you know, I grew up with my parents always talking about, you know, the people, that people, the people, and I was under the impression that you have to make everyone love you, right. And I spend a big portion of my life as a people pleaser. So I call myself a recovering recovering people pleaser. And when you have this notion, it can take a lot of energy, right? And I remember it was in 10th grade. And one of the
a member in our community, he gave me he gave me the Quran in English and he also said something very powerful to me. And he said, not everyone has to like you. I was like, really?
I thought that was the goal. I thought, you know that that's the goal. And if you do it you
You know, you win the game to win the game of life. And he said, not everyone has to like you. And when you take a position, and you are firm on your beliefs, what ends up happening is that a lot of people will go against you. And actually, that's, that's a sign that you have chosen a path that people have, like maybe no one going against. And it's like, they're kind of that chameleon, right? They change with each person. So they're not really taking a stance on anything. And it's absolutely within your rights and freedom as a human being to refuse to deal with someone who is bad for you. Some people, they may be good individuals, it's not saying that the person is bad. And we don't want
to be judgmental. We don't want to go around labeling people, but maybe they're just not good for you. Right? And it's not your job to fix or save people. This is a big one for those who are empaths those who are, let's say in the field of mental health and, and counseling and wanting to help, you know, there's a natural inclination because it's really like watching someone drowning. This is this is how I feel is that someone is drowning, and you're a lifeguard and you just kind of walk by you can't you know, you there's a natural inclination, but you don't have to do that. Right? It's okay to choose self preservation. You can't ever be everybody savior. Right. So we do our best. We try to
help others. We're there for them, but not at the expense of losing yourself or losing your peace. Okay? The types of energy vampires All right. So here we go. The Forever victim vampire How many of you know someone who is always playing the victim role? Right, Sister Olivia said mindful Hearts Academy is a safe place to ask what is it to ask for help and da even though we're not together, physically, we're together emotionally This is very beneficial and non judgmental sisterhood. That is a beautiful aspect of it. We are a global sisterhood and and everyone because they've gone through the lessons what's beautiful about it, everyone has done the you know, they're doing the
test. Skia and even if you're new, you're you start seeing this behavior of compassion and humility and, and raising others and acknowledging others. And so it's just this beautiful community where people are living according to their ideal self striving for it right? No one is ideal, but we're striving for it. So that's that is beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. The Forever victim vampire. They use every opportunity to let the world know how unfair it is. It's unfair. That's not fair that this happened to me. Why do I have to go through this right? And constantly complaining about one thing or another? A person like that? Of course, they're going to what suck the energy out
of you, right? suck the life out of you. It's all about me. This is the Narcissus vampire, okay, the world always revolves around them. Like everything that is happening. They only look at it from their lens. And that kind of steals your sense of empowerment. All right, then the Intimidator vampire. So because they lack inner strength, they compensate by bossing everyone around. So you've seen people like this sometimes in the family, sometimes within the community, right? That they just have a tendency to boss everybody around. They want to dominate the discussion. And it's this becoming drunk with power. And sometimes it can happen even within you know, let's say volunteer
organizations, they becoming drunk with power. That's why the concept of humility is so important. And looking at any leadership position as servitude, like you're serving your community, you're not bossing people around. Okay.
Next, the drama loving vampire, the drama loving vampire these people. They thrive on chaos, like I was explaining to, they may have had families that were dysfunctional, there's yelling, screaming, fighting, hitting, this is what's familiar, and subconsciously there, they would never admit. But subconsciously, they're recreating the environment in which they grew up with. And because they're recreating it, they are constantly causing problems picking fights, causing, you know, causing tension
and they will throw tantrums or throw things you know, these are individuals who are not emotionally stable. All right, the judgy vampire judgy they're judgmental about everyone so they can as soon as they walk into a place they're judging
The people they meet a person they're judging and like, it's like up and down. And, you know, there's a checklist there's a checklist we have this invisible checklist that if you admit exists right there are those individuals who have the you know there they may be super religious so they have a checklist about up you know, I don't know pattern hit job colorful hit job, no socks up, no Appiah up, you know, x x, x, x x, this one's out. Right. And it could be the other way around where the liberal will look at the princess. Oh, my God, how tacky Oh, socks with shoes. Yeah, and it just cancelling each other out. So we really need to make sure that we are not falling into this.
When you can understand where emotions come from, you can change what you do. Exactly. So and they're never pleased. So no one is ever good enough. Right? And I have people complain about this all the time, whether it's the spouse saying, you know, my, I'm never good enough for my wife. Sometimes kids tell me no matter what I do, like one. I remember one client came in and, and she was complaining about her her son and said, I said I thought he got straight A's. Because she goes, Yeah, he did get straight A's, but they were low A's, right? And the kid was frustrated. Like why mom, nothing's good enough. What is nothing is good enough, because it's just being too judgmental.
And they disliked themselves. And the insecurity makes them feel they are not good enough. So it's interesting, because whatever you see, it's kind of like projecting that you're projecting and they feel insecure. And they feel like they're not good enough. So they expect more from their spouse from their children for the community, because there is that void inside of them that nothing is good enough. They're not good enough. Okay.
The unknowing vampire que these are people who are unaware that they are vampires, okay. And sometimes you find that children and family members, they're so dependent and needy, that they become unknowing vampires, right? So there might be a neediness. There may be this cleanliness, there may be this, like possessiveness, and they don't even realize it, right. And they're sucking that energy out of you. And so what? Okay, what if this is the big question? What if you're the energy vampire, right? We were saying at the beginning that it is possible that maybe, maybe we are a vampire is what we're sucking that in? Or what if you're the energy vampire, so don't be too hard
on yourself? I'm sure going through this, maybe you recognize that, yes, you're emotionally immature. Maybe you do some of these things, you pick fights, maybe you're the one who's blaming or negative all the time? Well, the first thing that I like to let you know is that it's so important to recognize when you have a problem, it's so important to recognize that there is something to work on. Because there are some people who deny they deny they have a problem. And that is worse than someone that's worse. Because if you don't even recognize you have something to work on, you'll never work on it. Right? None of us are perfect. We all have certain issues. And like I said, our
life goes through so many ups and downs. And there may be times in our lives, that we are that energy vampire, we may be just overwhelmed. And we do it. And like I said, it's okay, as long as you try to balance it out, right. And make sure you forgive yourself, make sure you recognize that you know what, it's not your fault. If you did grow up in a dysfunctional household, it's not your fault. If you grew up with parents who didn't know, let's say how to teach emotional maturity, they didn't have emotional maturity, it's not your fault. And recognizing that is very important. And hold yourself accountable. Right? So you've had this lesson, and you can kind of you can recognize
and say, You know what, now I'm going to be more careful about this. If I was bossy before, I'm going to hold back if I was, you know, having emotional tantrums, I'm not going to do that anymore. Okay. And then. So if you think that, you know, you may be the that energy vampire, realize that other people, they don't exist to just serve you, right? Many people have that mentality. It's like, Oh, what, how can I use this person, and if they can't use them, they're not even nice to them anymore. And this is problematic, right? Because we see the character of a person according to how they treat the person who they do not need. It's easy to you know, be kind and respectful to a
person you want a job from our person you want something from them, how do you treat the person who you have nothing to gain from? And that is a true reflection of your character, because a person with genuine good character like the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam, he treated everyone with kindness, he treated everyone with respect the woman who was cleaning the masjid, he treated with respect. And when she passed away, he was like, Where is she? I haven't seen her. And they said, you know, she died, she died. They thought, Who is she, she's a nobody. And he was sad that he didn't prey on her, then this is the what what was she able to do for him, he respected her not because of her status, not because what you could do for him, not because of anything other than the fact that he had good character. And having good character means treating people with respect, whether it's the busboy, or whether it's the CEO of a
company. And when we embody that we don't look down on it. And you find that in the communities, if someone needs you, they're kind, they're smiling, they are giving you their, you know, their attention. But as soon as you're no longer on the radar, they won't even return a Salam they won't even return a message. And this is this really reflects deeply on our character, and how are we evaluating people? are we evaluating the most what's in it for me, and you find that most people our agenda, our agenda driven, it's not often a driven, agenda driven, you can work for me, you can serve me, I'm going to be good to you, and I'm going to return your calls, and I'm going to be right
there. But if you don't serve me, you are no longer even important. And, and this will tell us, if we do have issues with arrogance, if we do have issues with, you know, just not doing the test, kiya of our heart, because the way the Prophet salallahu Salam treated people who had absolutely no position, no, no wealth, we need to aspire to be like him in sha Allah. And so instead of taking advantage of others, try helping them so it's not about who what's in it for me, I'm going to be friends with her. So I can use this and they're going to help me with that. And no, it's just just trying to be helpful without thinking about your own gain, and stop and help others instead of
complaining, right? Instead of complaining, how can you be part of the solution? Really, I want you to ask yourself, How can I be part of this? So because it's so easy to sit there on the sidelines and say, Oh, my God, they don't know what they're doing? Oh, yeah. I mean, the series should have been like this, it should have been like, you know, what, if you have a problem with something, provide a solution. And when you start generating solution, rather than complaining, then you're going to be a source of positivity. Okay? What if you're the energy vampire, part three, right. So pour, love, pour love into the people that you that you know, and that you love, try to be someone
who fills others. Because there's enough people who drain others be the source of like, you fill other people's cup, fill their cups, fill their hearts, fill them like make be the reason someone feels like, you know what I'm gonna love. Islam is beautiful. Oh, my God, and hamdulillah there are good people in the world, be that person. And imagine if each of us uses that and sees it as like, you know what, I'm going to be that person. I'm not going to be the one who turns my back and acts like snobby, just because this person doesn't serve me anymore. No, I'm going to be the one who smiles graciously, and I'm going to tend to their needs, regardless of how tired I am, okay? Be that
person, be kind to your spouse, to the person who you live with the people in your home, to not waste all that energy outside, and then come home completely depleted. Start from the inside out, right? So the energy should be you put it with your family, your spouse, your kids, if you have more energy, okay? Then then you're capable, you're capable of giving more, right? But if you are giving all the energy, your beautiful smile, your energetic personality, you're helpful, you're amazing to the whole community, but you come home and you're a monster, you're a monster to your spouse, you yell at your kids, you neglect your kids, then what is the point you are going to be held
accountable for the way you treat your spouse and your kids? You're not going to be asked about let's say this extra credit.
Obviously, we all have a responsibility to contribute to the community. I'm not saying you don't have a responsibility, but you are first going to be asked about how do you treat your spouse if a million people
will think you are amazing and they love you and your own spouse is hurt by you and your own spouse feels disrespected by you. What is the point of that? If your own kids feel like you're a hypocrite, what is the point of that? We have to be true to ourselves, we have to be true to our spouse and and really save that energy. Right? Save that energy for first, the people who are closest to you, they should benefit the most. Right? I mean, if just think about it, everyone loves to have let's say that really influential or wealthy or, you know, if you're affiliated with, let's say, a CEO of a company, the king of the of a country. Now, imagine if the own kids are their own spouse, they don't
get to benefit from from their wealth, how it would just wouldn't make sense, right? So we need to start with ourselves and with our family members inshallah. Okay, anybody who wishes to change the world must first go home and love their family is not beautiful. This Exactly, I mean, perfect timing, because I just finished talking about that. And we really, we really have to focus on them, and share and spread that love, the best of you is the one who is best to his wife. So if we prioritize that, it's so critical and protect yourself and others from emotional bleeding. Okay, so this is very critical information, as I told you, we can take the PowerPoint off, thank you so much.
So imagine, imagine that each person works on themselves, does the internal work stops the emotional bleeding, they start being an emotional vampire Energy Vampire, and we start working on ourselves How amazing would our relationships be? How amazing would our communities be? So I want to help you, I want to help you achieve this. Because I know that in this one lesson, it may be, it may be overwhelming, there's a lot of information I love, I love giving a lot of content, because I just feel that being able to change someone change their personality, or improve, I would say improve their improve their life. That gives me a lot of satisfaction and Hamdulillah. Nothing compares to
it. So if you allow me to help you in this process, so we have, you know, the way this came about is because so many people wanted to do sessions with me, which I'm so grateful for having that opportunity to do it. But I'm not able to do it with everyone. And many people are not able to let's say afford doing the counseling, and I said I want an alternative, I want to be able to provide content that will change people's lives. But at it's affordable, and I can reach more people. And this is where the mindful Hearts Academy came from. It came from just the bottom of my heart. My husband and I have been passionate about this. It's been the past two years. And it is the most it's
comprehensive way of self development, where it combined psychology and Islam. And you know, a lot of self development programs, first of all, I mean, I've done many of them and they cost 1000s of dollars each program is like 1000s of dollars and and I felt this is a revolution right? It's a revolution in wanting people to get self development at a very affordable cost because I felt it's not shouldn't be exclusive for the wealthy right self development should not be exclusive for the wealthy. And so this is where it came from Sister Olivia, mashallah very beneficial discussion, it will help us to improve our relations with our spouse, kids and others and hamdulillah it really is,
it's something I'm very passionate about. And you will get it is basically nine, it's nine phases. Each phase has about seven to 10 lessons. And imagine it's about being the best version of yourself, knowing your mind and knowing how to manage it so that you could be the absolute best emotional intelligence, there's mindfulness, there's happiness, how to be happy, like there's a whole science behind that and spirituality and reaching your goal. So it really the aim is to be the absolute best version of yourself. So I can't think of a better eat gift for yourself than getting you know, a subscription it is you know, monthly or you could get annually and it's as low as $100 a year I mean
this how affordable I've made it just so that everyone can benefit and mashallah as you've heard from the sisters who are on there, how to enroll Okay, so can we put the link to enroll you can get the annual membership and what you will have is access to all the all the lessons this is one of the lessons so if you like this
If you benefited, if you feel like oh, wow, I can learn a lot from this, then every lesson is like this and Hamdulillah. You know, it has been my passion. Sorry.
This is why my alarm didn't go off this morning was at 1:30pm. But I did get up and Hamdulillah. But I was wondering what the heck happened with that alarm. So the thing is that you will have access to all of the lessons. And then I do live lessons every Thursday, right? So every Thursday is a live lesson. But you can take it at your own pace. And that's why it's so it's so powerful and so, so easy. Because if you join the sea, you join with a friend, you join with a sister, this is the best way to go about it, because I hey, let's let's change together, let's Yeah, it's always good. I know, when I was doing my paleo diet, I got on with a bunch of my buddies. And when you do that, you
feel the sense of like, okay, we're in it together. So if you know of anyone that could benefit from this would make a great eighth present, like I said to it for yourself, for a mother, for your sister, for your best friend. And that way you go on this journey of self development together and you improve and I can take any questions right now that you may have, I believe, there were some questions that were popping up. Okay, this is my second marriage. I think we do not go out to dinner date, or he's not intimate with me in. Okay. So what is what is the question, I will divorce him. All right. Well, I would recommend before you divorce him, is you know, because not going out on a
date. Maybe that doesn't call for divorce, you need to understand what's going on. And I would recommend when you're going through a marriage program, getting some help before you call it quits. I tell all my clients before you call it quits, just give it one last try.
We do have my marriage program, the five pillars of marriage, we can offer it at a discounted rate, if you can put that link. I mean, don't don't get a divorce because you don't go on dinner dates. Most people that are married, don't go on dinner dates. And I don't want you to rush into it. It may have other aspects. There may be some like maybe emotional abuse, maybe something but what I would recommend is just give it one last try one last try and see if you're able to salvage it and I make a bold statement that you can be the one who can save them or even if you're the only one working on it, because I've seen it can 13.5 13 and a half year old girl also enroll for your program me and my
daughter? Absolutely, absolutely you can I think mother daughter team would be excellent because you can discuss it. So many powerful lessons that if you know the younger when like let's say they learn it as a teenager, you can avoid feelings of inadequacy, the insecurities. You can you know when someone has self esteem and this is what I'm really grateful for. My parents instilled self esteem in me. And even though I went to public schools, even though I was extremely like involved and assimilated into, into our schools very active, and I did not feel compelled to any peer pressure. I did it although everyone around me drinking dating it a lot. The list goes on and on. But because I
felt good about who I was, and I felt strong and confident. It kept me from all the different haram avenues and I didn't feel like I have to do anything to fit in. And so if you can instill self confidence self esteem in your kids, it will protect them from so many harmful things so you can learn it. Sister Nora sang Salam Alikum no question just grateful for you just like Allah here where yaki were yaki. So, let me know when can we apply for five pillars of marriage if we can put the link now you can get it now and make it your intention look right now, you are on an emotional high, right? Well emotional, spiritual, we should say spiritual high inshallah emotionally as well. And
right now you can make a commitment to work on your marriage, work on your relationships, you know, make that personal commitment. Say, You know what, I am going to work on this and it's like anything you guys, if you neglect your body, if you overeat and you don't exercise, this gonna show and the same thing. If you work on your marriage, and you make it a priority, it will start showing you'll start feeling more love sister Fatima saying somebody come to your sister I just can't stop watching your videos. May Allah protect your heart and reward you to psychological
al. Hamdulillah this is you know, it's a labor of love. We really my husband and I have the magic can you come?
You have to you have to meet my my husband? Because honestly, are you coming? Okay, want to pull up a chair? I really couldn't do it without without. Let me see if I can hold on. Let's get two of the white chairs.
Okay, can you pull up?
All right. This is totally impromptu as you can see. Come on over.
This is my husband after menchi Okay, and I can hear us they can't Yeah, if you put away I just don't want that thing.
I'm all about looks.
It doesn't look pretty. Can we do it another way? How about like this there? They can hear. Okay, so I just want you to know that I couldn't have done any of this without, you know, the hard work. I mean, I've noted mashallah has been editing behind the scenes. I mean, I can't even begin to explain
the hours and hours that he has put into couldn't making this possible. So I'm just very grateful for the hard work and effort that you know, that I've Masood has been putting into this and, and none of the things that I do online would be possible without his support without his effort. And so really show some love
Subhanallah you know, it is one of the best missions is to support you and your goals because you change so many lives and you help so many people and it's really quite important to put your, your thoughts and your methods out there because people people really make changes in their life. And you know, I I'm really happy.
The pleasures panel, I'm just seeing the feedback from people and the changes that they've made in this life. You know, this Subhanallah it's fulfilling, right? That's why That's why we do it year after year, Al Hamdulillah. This has been the third year someone was asking about man like this not many supply. May Allah protect your marriage and children's it's like a love hate on someone said they wanted to
Allahumma Baddeck that is if you want to protect people from your IV because even a loving mother can then hit her child with her if she's not careful.
You have to say Allahumma Baddeck though like a lot as for America and protection, you know, and please ask for but I get in our marriage and in our life because we're working for you. And what we have is, is really important to share and give and help people as much as possible. I asked the last panel to either to grant each one of you a loving, beautiful relationship with your spouses and your children and your families and your parents and
someone is asking, Okay, is it possible to have a program with uses? Can I have your contact a program? Well, the program is the mindful Hearts Academy. If you come join the join the program, then you will We will be meeting weekly and really anyone who becomes a part of the mindful heart. It's really interesting because I was at I was doing beyond and one one sister was sitting next to me and she said, You know, I just smiled. I gave salaams. And then she told me she's part of the mindful Hearts Academy. And I'm like, oh, you know, I feel like I saw a family. Right? It's like family I haven't met before. And it's this instant connection because we feel like we're on the same
Right? Right. I thought there was like a hidden oh my god, there's
no way no, why didn't we go? It was a PM. Okay, so funny. Alright, someone else asked about the five pillars of marriage program. I saw there was a question that came up.
It's an online course. Okay. And it is short online lessons with exercises. And even if you go through it alone without your spouse, you're able to save your marriage and I've had a lot 1000s of people have gone through it already. And you know, they always come up to me and like you say you saved your saved our marriage and handed in.
Did you want to say about? Well, I mean, the five pillars of marriage really is based on an incredible amount.
A lot of research and I mean five years Yeah. And work, she has done work. I see her every day. I mean, she works sometimes with 10 couples a day. And, you know, and finishing the helping people in record time. And obviously, she can't help everybody. So we decided to make the program. So it's basically giving you the same amount of information you would get when you come to Hana all these months of therapy, because I mean, with counseling, marriage counseling, it's not it's not just the therapy counseling for 80% education 20% intervention. Sorry, I'm gonna ask, Do you have a hotspot today?
just didn't want to miss. I know, I know, we're live, but I just wanted
my son has a
So 80% is education. 20% is intervention. So the 80% education? Yeah, you could do it in the sessions with me, but it will cost 1000s of dollars for six months of therapy, but then you can do it on your own? No, sometimes you do need the intervention, it's very hard to do it completely alone. So a lot of times what people do is they do a combination and but if you really dedicate yourself to the program, and you commit yourself to it, I mean, the worst situations have overcome using the five pillars of marriage alone without the intervention because the tools are so powerful. And
we apply. Yeah, sometimes people ask us like, Well, how do you have really because we've been married Mashallah. Tabata Allahumma biotics. For 25 years we have three adult children ages 2219 and 17. We've lived in three different countries we've we've faced so many challenges, you know, we speak different languages.
were Moroccan who thought Moroccan last name. I think I have the Moroccan last name. Yeah, but she's not Moroccan
right. She's a Persian background Sunni. Mashallah, yeah, with lots of
lots of endorsements from Sunni scholars and hamdulillah the fact of the matter is the five pillars of marriage walks you step by step through the program and I want to turn it away because it's really about the Hearts Academy and
like about to get a divorce divorce. So without going into much detail, what I love about it and I helped so many of my friends in the masjid and so many men just simply giving them a simple outline changes their life so imagine when you get all the tools right, you know, and you know, I am dangerous. I think I'm
a therapist too after 25 years of being a therapist
like a lot Faden you know everyone for joining in a sister Nora saying I've been here for three years now on the mind of mindful hardware no mindful Ramadan right my full Ramadan or mindful hearts. So if you have any other questions we'll be happy to
hear for your for your nice words. You're always on first your
sister Alicia, Alicia
Well, thank you so much. This has been it's been such a pleasure we're so happy to serve the community if you missed on any any of the lessons just make sure can we do we have the link of like the sign up so they get the emails in the replay? Yeah, do you know how
he knows all the technical, the technical side. So in case you're just on and you haven't signed up, it's not too late to sign up, even though Ramadan is over, but the lessons are lying are lifelong. That's right life lessons are descendants. Okay, and then can you grab a workbook please? Sure. I just want you to watch all of them because they're really really powerful lessons. And if you missed any just after Ramadan, I know it's like there's so many programs I wanted to watch and I didn't get a chance to so after Ramadan after you take a breather, watch them even if it's like once a week you'll really benefit and we have this amazing beautiful workbook for free. The volunteers have done
a beautiful job in capturing like the highlights remember we started Mohamed Bonjour and his quotes five you have the quotes you have the highlight of every speaker that was here I want you to benefit you can either print it see I liked it I thought it was pretty and or you can just have it online in sha Allah. Any other questions so like it's a happier husband as your therapist mashallah luck. Good luck, both
C'est la bella have that
yeah so it's like a love hate and everyone may Allah bless all of your all of your relationships all that you are praying for me are like Sep wanted to do a draw for us and so Allah
Stein Aloma feelin our Hannah, but to Ballina Aloha Maya I mean the fact that Raja Tina Aloma to Ballina along with the abundancia Mina pm and your Allah Ya Allah hiya Karim Luca smell you can hasna what's the vertical? Yeah, I'll be speaking our melody either either ETBE Egypt
Aloha Hi Nana Yemen Allahu Allah Karim Ooyala man
Allahu La Ilaha
illa Allah subhana wa Navali Nene Allahu Maya Where do you where do you have the opportunity in my database in love with love between all of us? Allah whom are hamara honey mean? We're fifth nearly married to have both the Oh Allah guide us to make what you love and what makes you pleased. You're Allah Bina that had been an hour Bina masina come about I debated machico
Long Distance us from our sins like you have distance the rising of the sun and it's setting your alarm your hola to Ballina Lana what? Oh Allah forgive us, O Allah forgive us and accept our repentance Yeah, Allah, Ya Allah guide our children, Ya Allah guide our progeny, Allah and make us understand the Quran the way that will make you happy Allah to give us the understanding of the Prophet Mohammed in the Sahaba Allah Allah Allah wa salam, O Allah give us the implementation of the Quran in our life, your Allah help us memorize the Quran and remember what we have forgotten your Allah guide us your Allah guide us your Allah guide us your Allah give us beneficial knowledge your
Allah give us beneficial knowledge. Yeah Allah Yeah Where do your hammer Brahimi in
Ramadan starting Allah we we seek we seek your Rama ya Allah if you do not forgive us there is no hope for us. Your Allah Kenny enters into the highest level of Jannah with those that we love ya allah shade us on the shade on the day that there's no shade but your throne your Allah, the shade of those who love each other for Allah sake you Allah we love everybody who is listening to us all the Muslims your Allah make us love one another for your sake and provide us the shade your Allah give us a drink from the house of the prophets of Allah Allah salam from his beautiful hand. Your Allah suddenly were suddenly more verticality. Aegina or have you been Mohammed
Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen
before I forget your Allah Allah help our brothers and sisters in Mr. To Allah help our brothers and sisters and mess you up so yeah Allah help our brothers and sisters everywhere Allah Allah feed the hungry amongst us.
shelter the homeless amongst us. Yeah Allah provide protection for the for all the Muslims all over the world. Allah Allah guide our daughters yeah Allah guide our children and your Allah Allah give is
everywhere it is was Allah Allahu Allah so you didn't early he was married mashallah That was a beautiful comprehensive daughters like Allah Hara thank you everyone for your love for your support. We we've enjoyed doing the mindful mindful Ramadan and we're already talking about mindful Ramadan 2023
And this one's not even finished yet but so it's like a lot hidden. Make sure that you get all the good all the what is it the episodes, watch all the episodes get your workbook for free. And inshallah we'll see sister newer saying every year that's who it is that every year we have to sign up for mindful mindful Ramadan I would join your live sessions occasionally Subhan Allah and La Allahumma I mean Baraka la vie, calm I met your sister holla at Houston convention TDC your sweet as you are online. Oh, it's it's like a love hate it. We're so happy that you've been joining each year and in sha Allah, we get to have a maybe a conference and all meet together.
Thank you so much salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah. Thank you for joining us.
I pray everybody has ROM was accepted that I could not be gone and I guess today is a final listener tomorrow. See, I mean, today's Friday is the final lesson. Bye guys.