Haleh Banani – Do you have an abusive spouse?

			What are the signs of being in an abusive relationship? Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness
Month, I'm going to dedicate each marriage mending Mondays, to talking about abuse, since it's so
prevalent in our communities and just throughout the world. So I'm going to share with you the seven
signs, the seven signs that you are in an abusive relationship, and inshallah it will shed some
light. And each time we'll discuss how to deal with it. So the first sign first of all, tell me if
you know, anyone who is in this situation, and I'm sure majority of people will respond, you can
just say me, or you could say I know someone. And this way we can see how prevalent it is, most of
		

			the people that I have worked with, I've had the privilege of working with 1000s of people over the
past 24 years internationally. And what I see is that it is so common, so whether it is seeing your
parents be in an abusive relationship, seeing your family members, sometimes your siblings, and
sometimes you're in it yourself, so just indicate if someone that has experienced domestic violence,
and I just want it to be very evident that most people have experienced some level of domestic
violence. Okay, so the first sign of being in an abusive relationship. One is that the person is
extremely possessive, they're possessive, they are controlling, they want to know where you are, who
		

			you're with what you're doing, they try to limit your, whether it is your spending, whether it's who
you're spending time with. So this level of control is very common. With people who are abusive,
they want to control where you're going, what you're doing, and who you're spending time with. The
second characteristic is a person is very jealous, they're jealous. And so they're always accusing
you of either flirting or cheating, they could really restrict your interactions. And this jealousy
is not just for the opposite gender, they may be very jealous of any relationship that you have any
close meaningful relationships that you have, will create this level of jealousy. The third
		

			characteristic is that they will put you down. So these put down it could be publicly or privately.
And there is a constant criticism about your abilities, your intelligence, your looks, your
capabilities, whatever it is that you're doing. So there's a constant putting down. And this is a
way of making you have low self esteem. Because when you have low self esteem, and there's this
constant reminder that no one would be interested in you, only I can put up with you is a way to
lock the victim in the relationship. So they feel that they are worthless, they feel that they have
nothing to offer, and that no one else would be interested in them. And sadly, this happens with so
		

			many of the clients I've worked with, they feel completely depleted of energy, they have no sense of
self worth. And that's why they feel like they deserve it, that they they should be abused, because
they're such bad people. And this is a wrong analysis. And we're going to talk about this further.
Inshallah. The fourth characteristic is constant threats. So there's the threat of I'm leaving you,
there's the threat that I'm going to be violent with you, there's the threat that I'm going to tell
people about you. So whatever it is, that is constantly making you feel fearful, right. So this is a
tactic that is used to also keep a person in place so that they're not responding back, that they
		

			don't run away. So they feel so fearful all the time. The fifth sign is that there's actual physical
violence, and this is quite common. And something we need to realize is that domestic violence does
not is not limited to a certain culture. It's not limited to a certain socio economical background.
It's not limited to certain places it is affects everyone it affects people affects the rich and the
poor, the same, it affects the educated and the uneducated. I have surgeons who have this habit of
domestic violence. I have people who are extremely knowledgeable within the deen. So it's not about
someone if they're religious, then they won't do this. If they're educated, they won't do if they're
		

			wealthy. Unfortunately, everyone is affected by the domestic violence. So you find that these
threats that physical the physical violence is is when usually people start taking action right
		

			When they start getting physically hurt, and other people start becoming aware of it, then the sixth
characteristic is someone who has a bad temper, when they have a bad temper, and they are constantly
yelling, they may be cursing, they are using, they're breaking things, they may break the items that
you love, just in spite of you just to make you angry just to hurt you. So you find that the bad
temper is one of the signs of an abusive relationship. And the seventh is a person who has very
unpredictable behavior. People are always walking on eggshells, it could be the spouse, it could be
the children, they never know what is going to trigger the person. So it's like walking a minefield.
		

			And it's it's still a lot of fear. So you need to really become aware of the signs. And once because
it's very easy to dismiss them. It's very easy to overlook. But once you see that many of these
checkoff and I would love for you to jot these down for those who don't have time to watch the
video. So first, we said possessiveness, second was jealousy. Third was put downs. Fourth was
threats. Fifth was physical violence, six was bad temper, and seventh was being unpredictable. So if
you find that you are in a relationship like that, or someone who is in a relationship like that,
it's very critical to open up your eyes and really evaluate the danger, evaluate what you are
		

			experiencing. And realize, first and foremost, that it's not your fault, because I know many of the
clients that I've had, they blame themselves, the victims, because they have been stripped of their
self esteem, because they've been constantly criticized, it's very easy to feel that they are to
blame for this. And so I want you to first know that you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be
loved, you deserve to have peace in your home, you deserve to live without fear. So you need to
evaluate what you need to do if you need to get professional help if you need to get the support of
friends or family. And you need to be able to assess what is the danger of this. Now, sometimes it
		

			could be to a person just has a bad temper, they're a little bit moody, and they don't have the
other characteristics and you feel I can deal with the mood. And other times you find that every
single sign of an abusive relationship is there. And and you're not doing anything about it. And
something I want to remind everyone is that being patient does not mean taking a beating. I know
that this there's a misconception within our communities. And it is very sad for me to say this, but
many of the sisters I have worked with, they think that being a good Muslim, being a good wife means
staying quiet and not speaking up when there is physical abuse. And that is not the case, you're not
		

			expected to stay in an abusive relationship. Now you can talk to the person, maybe take some
measures and realize set some strong boundaries. And we'll talk about this more. But real that is
not necessarily a sign of a good moment, just taking a beating. Because this is going to destroy
your self esteem, it's going to destroy your spirituality, it's going to destroy everything about
you. And there is a way of resolving conflict, there is a way I'm not telling you to necessarily
leave either it is about recognizing assessing, I don't know your situation. I don't know how severe
it is. But it is important to assess the seriousness of the situation. Many times I have found that
		

			people may fall into these abusive relationships. And they don't even realize that maybe it's
because of their past. It's because of their upbringing, and they learn the right marriage skills
and they're able to correct themselves. So I'm not telling you to end it. I'm not necessarily
telling you to stay in an abusive relationship you have to assess and if you have a hard time
assessing, make sure you talk to a professional seek that guidance, get that support and realize
that being a good Muslim
		

			means respecting yourself. And it means living in peace and making sure that you your children are
safe. And I have seen many cases of domestic violence when the man is the victim as well. So we
usually tend to think of it as only something that women go through, but men have been subjected to
domestic
		

			violence as well. And it can get quite serious. Sometimes knives are pulled out, sometimes it's
quite serious. And so you need to really assess the seriousness of it. And really recognize that
there can be steps to either making the relationship better stopping the abuse, or recognizing that
this is dangerous for yourself for your, for your kids, and having to end it. And I pray that all of
you who are going through this, I can understand how deeply wounded you may feel, it's hard to
imagine it's hard to put ourselves in the shoes of a person who has gone through this. But we have
that empathy of those who are going through it, how it really breaks you, I have seen friends go
		

			through this, I have seen clients go through those family members. And it is heartbreaking. And I
just want to let you know, you're not alone if you're going through this. And you don't have to
continue suffering like this. So please, either make the situation better, make it a safe place,
make your home a place of peace and tranquility, or recognize that it is dangerous, and find a way
to get yourself out of this. I would love to help you in getting yourself out of this situation or
making your relationship better. Inshallah I have some free resources if you can download. If you go
to holep unani.com. Under courses, you can get some free video training, or you can download the
		

			free PDF, there seems to be some questions.
		

			What if the person changes all the signs you've mentioned? But it's only because we have
eyewitnesses all around the country in our neighborhood? What if you see, it may not be sincere? Can
it be long lasting? Very good question. Alina, it can be and it really varies with individuals. If a
person really wants to change, I believe that change is possible. This is why I'm in this
professional if I didn't believe that people can change. I would never choose this profession. I've
seen people transform. But there has to be a sense of commitment. I find those who let's say seek
counseling and they're consistent with the counseling. I've had clients who will go to anger
		

			management consistently they will do let's say they will do the psych evaluation and find out what
is it a lot of times there's underlying psychological problems. And when they address it, and they
treat it, then things becomes tremendously better. So it's a matter of commitment, it's a matter of
what are they willing to do. I don't want you to just believe that I'm going to be better they have
to show it with their actions. And if there are any other questions, let me know. But in sha Allah
that Allah guides each and every one of you if you are in this situation, may Allah make it crystal
clear what it is that you're supposed to do that you've that you are provided with the support the
		

			love the understanding, and please don't be hard on yourself. And don't think that you have to just
take the abuse, take with care to Sakala Hayden's Salam Alikum