Haleh Banani – Bridge Building communication #05
AI: Summary ©
The speakers stress the importance of finding one's own success and avoiding passive communication, while acknowledging the need for strong boundaries and prioritizing personal development. They prioritize listening to others' emotions and identifying one's own values, and stress the importance of empathy and honesty in personal development. The need for authenticism and boundaries is emphasized, along with the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing tasks. Discussions about anger issues and building bridges are essential, and working on these issues can lead to positive behavior.AI: Transcript ©
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Take 2.
And welcome to the Mindful
Hearts. This is what you have been waiting
for, all about
communication
in conflict.
Now,
what we're gonna do so in every relationship,
there's bound to be misunderstanding,
there's bound to be conflict,
And there are some people who avoid it
at all cost. There are some who
explode and let everybody have it, and then
they have broken relationships.
So what is the correct way to communicate?
That's what we're gonna talk about today. So
if you
have any relationships, you've got to see this.
Great. Alright. Let's get started.
So
here we go. We'll do it like this.
What is your communication
style? So today, we're talking about bridging the
gap. Right? It is,
building bridges in communication.
Because a lot of times, what do people
do? They burn the bridges. Right?
They burn it. They tell people off.
They you know, they're telling people off. They
burn the bridges, and it's like, yeah, there's
no room
for,
rekindling the relationship. So what we really need
to do
is learn how to, how to resolve conflicts.
Sister Adriana, sister,
sister Rabi'al
and sister, what is it, Fatih Castle and
sister
Nomana.
And we have sister Aishta
Aishta
and sister Saima Abbasi. Very nice to see
you all.
And sister
SS,
the anonymous sister SS, alright, who's very active
all the time.
So what is your communication style? This is
gonna be really, really critical, you guys. And
as always,
I want you to reflect on yourself.
I want you to really think about, like,
you know, be honest with yourself. What is
it that I do? How can I be
better? Okay?
So some people,
right, this is the ideal is to have
an assertive communication.
Right?
Being assertive
means you express your thoughts, your feelings
and needs. You're direct, you're honest, and your
respectful. Okay. So this is what we are
all striving for. This is we want to
be assertive because you have it's kind of
like having,
it's like having 2 extremes. Right? There are
some who they're like a doormat,
where they just take it, take it, take
it, take it. People
boss them around. They step all over them.
They don't ever express anything. These people,
they think that they're being
good and righteous,
and it's like, oh, they feel like they're
getting points for,
just staying quiet. But, honestly,
what's happening is that they're building up a
lot of resentment,
and there it just builds, builds, builds, and
then all of a sudden, there is a
volcano. Right? It erupts.
And that you know, everyone's like, what what
the heck happened? We thought you're happy. You
never said anything. Right? So these are kinda
like the martyrs
in the relationship,
and whatever they do, you never know if
they're really
invested, they really wanna do it, or is
it like they're kind of pressured into it?
So these individuals
really struggle
because they are people pleasers,
and they just
never speak up, which is not right.
And there's a lot of,
issues with being sincere because when they say
I wanna help you, sometimes they're just pressured
into it. And then during,
before, after, there's, like,
grudgingly doing it. So you're not getting the
full credit. Then there are those who are
aggressive. Right? These are the people who just
let people have it. They yell. They scream.
They say mean things. It's like, oh, sorry.
You know, I
I didn't mean it. It was a joke.
Okay.
Okay. Oh, it's sister Sofia.
Okay.
You are direct. Alright. Sister
Rabia is saying, is it possible to come
to a point in life where your childhood
wounds are not triggered anymore?
You know? Absolutely. That's a good question. You
have to work through it. You have to
understand what happened, what were the wounds, because
some people are oblivious. They just they just
don't know. They never reflect it. So you
have to understand what your wounds are, and
then when you process it,
accept it using psychology, and then also using
Islamic principles of letting go and forgiving, then,
definitely you can overcome it.
Alright. Sister Safia,
my what? My pet peeve. Alright. Let's see
what your pet peeve is. My pet peeve
with communication
is if I want something, I will speak
up. But I feel like people who don't
speak up expect you to cuddle them
so that they feel comfortable to speak.
That's too much work.
Okay. Well, I I do appreciate your honesty.
Right?
The thing is
that
you have to kind of you have to
see
yeah. It's like a cost analysis.
Right? You evaluate.
I take a little more time.
I am more attentive.
I package it, and it's well received, and
there's no fighting, and there's no hurt feelings.
And then if I don't, I just slap
people with the truth, what's gonna happen?
They're gonna be hurt. You're gonna break relationships.
Relationships. There's gonna be, like, sometimes 3, 4
months of, you know, trying to reconcile.
So taking a few minutes to package, to
cuddle,
it's worth it. Trust me.
Okay. It's definitely trust
it's definitely worth it. Alright.
Benefits of assertive communication.
Alright?
First of all, it builds that self confidence
and self
respect. It's, you know, this is important to
me, and I'm expressing my needs. And it
it promotes
mutual respect and understanding.
When you speak up, when you share,
then it's like I'm respecting myself, but I'm
also respecting you. It's not like I step
on you to get what I want. Right?
And it reduces stress and anxiety.
A lot of the people who are
what is called, like, you know, the doormat,
they have a lot of anxiety because they're
like, oh, I should've said this, and I
shouldn't have agreed. And why did I do
that? And I hate this, and I hate
that. And it and so they're always in
turmoil. They're smiling
and agreeing, but inside,
they're they're boiling. How many of you can
relate to that? How many of you are
the type that may say yes to everything,
but in reality, you're, like, you're upset because
you didn't know how to maybe speak up?
Okay? I want my pretty flowers in here.
Alright. And then improves
relationship and problem solving.
When you express yourself,
then you just you have a better
relationship.
I really enjoy relationships where
I don't feel like
a person is hard to read. Right? There
are some, like, you're just always wondering,
is are we good?
Is that really and then there are others
that it's just like you know because, you
know, they're expressive, and there's this openness,
and it really helps with the problem solving.
Okay? So do you have a passive
communication style? Let's see if you're responding.
Yeah. It'll be great if you respond
and you're engaged, and that way you'll benefit
the most from these lessons.
So what
this is what's your zodiac sign, sister Halle?
Alright. Well, I can tell you, but we
know, like, Islamic, they would don't put, like,
value on the zodiac signs because,
and we shouldn't really believe in it. I'm
a Capricorn,
but because if you think about it, millions
and millions of people,
billions of people are in that same
they have the same zodiac sign, and they
could be completely different. Right?
And,
and I know it can be fun when
I was younger, when I was a teenager,
and I didn't know,
it intrigued me, but we don't,
we don't pay attention to it because if
you read it and you believe in it,
that can be problematic
from an Aqida perspective. Just have to throw
that in there. Alright?
Sister Helene, you made it. Good job. We're
just getting started, and
we're talking about communication.
Right? This is the most important part. Is
right? We had all of that, like,
preparing for it. Now it's like actually
expressing yourself. Right? Now there are some people
who are very passive.
Right? Passive communication,
they avoid expressing their opinions or their feelings.
They're just quiet.
Right? And then what happens is that they
allow others to infringe on their rights. These
are like what I said. It's like being
a doormat
where they just take it, they let anyone
talk to them in any manner,
and,
and and and it's just it's not healthy.
Right? And it often leads to feeling of
resentment,
victimization,
and being taken advantage of. So this is
exactly what I was talking about in being
a doormat. These individuals,
they take it whether it's from their, maybe
it's from their spouse, from their children,
and then but they're always a victim, and
they're always unhappy and miserable. So this this
is not the right way to go about
it. Let's talk about some of the examples.
So every communication style, we're gonna talk about
an example of it, and we're gonna talk
about the psychological perspective. Like, why is someone
passive? Right? So the example is,
I'll just do whatever you want. Like, just
agreeing. You whatever you say, I do it.
Right? Whether I feel it's right, whether it's
moral or not, and these are individuals. Like,
if you you can imagine
how detrimental
this
is when you are, let's say, a teenager
and you're passive,
and so a group of your with a
group of friends who are, they're all smoking,
and then you're passive. You don't wanna stand
up for what you believe in, so you
just go right along with it, or go
right along with the whole dating scene, or
whatever it
is. You or or you're older and you're
in a gathering, and maybe there's just, like,
a lot of gossiping, or maybe there's, like,
certain things that are happening that you're you
don't you don't feel is right,
and you're too passive to speak up. Right?
So
you don't speak up for what you believe
in. The psychological
perspective is it's linked to low self esteem
and a lack of confidence. When a person
doesn't feel,
like, good about themself, they don't they don't
even wanna be heard. They don't wanna express
their opinion. They just go along either with
the masses or the strongest voice in the
room. Right? They just wanna cling on to
someone who is
confident and secure. Okay? And it can lead
to a lot of anxiety and depression
because there's a lot of internal stress.
Right? They're taking it. They know it's not
right. They feel bad about it,
and but, you know, they don't know what
to do, or they agreed to things that
they didn't they didn't really want to do.
So this this has a lot of issues
because
we want to be sincere.
We want to be genuine. We want our
deeds to be accepted.
So if you say yes, but inside, you're
like, oh my god. I I hate this.
Why am I giving up my Saturday?
You're like, points are being deducted. Minus 10,
minus 20, minus 50. And then you're just
you're left with doing a deed and not
getting any credit for it. Right? So that's
why it's so important for us to work.
Don't think that just because you're saying yes
and you're
there for a person
that you're getting credit
unless, like, your heart is in it, unless
you're sincere, unless you're doing it with a
smile, with good.
But if you do it grudgingly and you
have an attitude, you're not getting the rewards.
Okay? Then there is aggressive communication.
Right? You express your needs and desires, but
at the expense of others.
You're like the focus is on yourself.
You want to dominate.
You interrupt.
You humiliate. Right? A lot of times in
marriages, you find that
people behave this way. They're just don't let
they don't let their spouse finish. I'm always
like, one at a time.
They, like, talk over each other. That is
my pet peeve. My pet peeve is people
talking over each other. It's so disrespectful
and so immature.
So I always say, you know, just
take take turns take turns and allow the
other person to to speak. Right? Then it
often leads to conflict and damaged relationships. So
if you're letting people have it, if you're
angry, if you are being rude, this is
obviously going to affect your
your relationships. Right? So how many of you
let's see.
So sister
Aishdu
is saying,
I am passive with certain people and assertive
with some people, just need to be the
same all the time. That's important to recognize
that, you know, in some situations, you can
be assertive. Other times, you're passive.
So it is really about
being
congruent.
Right? Being congruent between your beliefs and
your
actions. Okay.
Sister Adriana, so lovely to have you. Ah,
she's been our volunteer from the very
beginning,
Definitely
me as a teen.
What? The aggressive? Was it the aggressive style,
sister Adriana?
Only began speaking up oh, no. The passive.
Okay. That's what I thought. You're you're not
aggressive.
Only began speaking
up or enforcing my beliefs when I became
a Muslim. That's beautiful.
And we have our team. Keep it rolling,
sisters. We're all fired up early on the
session. Good job.
That's sister I, Aisha.
Okay?
I and my sisters have an extremely difficult
relationship with our mom. We can't talk to
her about anything. She manipulates and uses it
all against us to her advantage. I try
to fulfill my duties.
It's really difficult when you have,
when you have a mother
that
could have maybe narcissistic traits. I mean, I
don't know who your mom is. I don't
know, and I don't wanna just put a
label on someone, but if if a person
takes what you says and uses it against
you or is manipulative,
that's that's usually very, it's it's narcissistic
characteristics.
Okay?
So you just you really have to learn
how to have, like, good strong boundaries
and yet do your duties. So thank you
for sharing that. But there is no emotional
relationship how to navigate that. It's hard. I've
had many clients come in, and they actually
there's some who hate their mothers,
and it really
has to do with
analyzing the relationship,
understanding
where she may be coming from, and what
kind of relationship does she have. Most likely,
she had an abusive relationship herself,
and then turning that anger into compassion. And
I've seen it happen where someone goes,
my gosh. One one client,
she would black out after talking to her
mom. Like, that's how traumatic
her relationship was. And it wasn't like it
was physically abusive
or,
anything
graphic or horrible,
but she was just emotionally abusive and neglectful.
So when she would have a conversation with
her mom, like, she just would black out
and she'd just sleep,
and it would be for about a day.
Like, it was so
draining to her.
And we work through this in the in
the sessions,
and she went from hating her mom and
not wanting to see her to taking care
of her, you know, towards the end of
her life and and really enjoying her relationship.
So it can happen. I was so proud
of the progress she made. And I had
another client also,
had a very narcissistic
mom,
and she hated her,
and we really analyzed that
part of the HCMA
of sometimes having difficult parents is that you
you don't rely on them, but you connect
more to Allah. So if you look at
it in this way, which I got her
to understand it like that and and and
really
grasp
that the wisdom
behind not having.
Because because she had such a broken
relationship with her parents, it actually led her
to Islam, which was beautiful. Right? And it's
like so she understood it and said, alright.
This is definitely
worth it. Right?
Alright. So we talked about aggress
let me see.
So the examples of this is you must
do this now or else. So there's threats.
You use threats or insult
to get your way. If you don't do
this, I'm gonna divorce you. If you do
this, I'm gonna get a divorce or and
there's always this feeling of, like, threat and
bossiness
and and telling a person what to do.
What is the psychological perspective? Often,
there's an underlying the result of underlying
anger
and
frustration, and it really creates creates a hostile
environment,
and there's it perpetuates
cycles of conflict. So So when you're aggressive,
when you're telling someone what to do, then
what ends up happening
is that it's just the it's perpetual
problems.
Okay?
Let's
see.
Okay. We've got some things coming in.
Okay.
I was passive as an immigrant
and as a teenager. Okay. So are you
being more
assertive now, sister Nomana?
Okay. Sister Sofia, how can we develop empathy,
for passive communicators
who blow up on you
due to built up resentment? I'm finding it
difficult.
It is hard because you're just like, you
know,
if you just told me about it, but
just realize
that these individuals
probably
they have very low self esteem.
It's hard for them to,
to speak up
and, and just recognize. And maybe these individuals,
you have to kind of probe. So from
time to time, you check-in,
make sure that they are, you know, they're
they're okay, their relationship is okay,
ask for the feedback. So they're not gonna
just volunteer their information. You have to probe
and understand that they're just coming from a
position of just being somewhat
they're weak,
and they are scared,
and you have to create safety in the
relationship. And when people feel safe, they will
communicate.
Alright.
Sister Zohra, assalamu alaikum. Let's see. Sister Hala,
how do we communicate
with a narcissistic
person?
Oh,
that is a loaded
question
very, very carefully. Okay?
A narcissist,
they get triggered
very easily.
So if you start
questioning,
labeling,
cornering,
they will they will attack. So it really
has to be
diplomatic. You have to use a lot of
wisdom. And, you know,
I had
such training from my mother,
You know, she was one of the most,
wise women, and she just used a lot
of wisdom. She was put into a lot
of difficult
scenarios, and because she used wisdom, she thought
it through, and she always presented it in
a way that was so
palatable. Right? She and, and so I watch,
I observed, and I I really
learned
from her. So I feel that a lot
of my,
success in counseling
has to do with with how I was
trained by by my mother
and how she thought things through
and said it in a way that a
person couldn't,
you know, they they couldn't argue. They couldn't,
like, object because it was so
it was just
just well thought out. When you think about
what you're gonna say,
when you evaluate and she would always say
evaluate the consequences. My grandmother,
Alayar Hamha,
she was so
wise. She had,
how many
she had
8 8 or 7? No. 7 kids
and, Masha'Allah,
5 daughter in laws. Okay? And they all
adored her. They all adored her.
Her name would come up, and they would
just they would cry from how much they
loved her and how fair she was and
how amazing she that's unusual. Right?
Daughter in law's crying because how amazing their
mother in laws are.
Make
us be
amongst mother in laws that are loved and
adored. Say amen, everybody.
You know, I'm approaching that,
that milestone in my life, so definitely wanted
to ask for that.
And, yes, so she what she would say
is
think 7 times before you say something. Seven
times. Put it through a filter. Think about
the consequence.
Really evaluate it
before
before you speak up about something, of course,
meaningful.
So that that is, like, that is a,
something I
follow.
And another thing she would say in all
her,
in her wisdom, she would say you have
to cut
and sew.
Cut
and sew. Like, when you're doing conflict resolution,
I find myself doing that all the time
in, you know, in the counseling session.
Cutting is like, okay, you're kinda letting someone
know this is the,
this is the the the flaw that they
need to work on. This is this is
their shortcoming, but then you sew it
because then you're saying, you know, you have
you have the maturity to handle this. You're
so and and it's just such
a amazing way to look at it. So,
god bless them. I I just got one
on me and you guys. Come on. You
can do better.
I wanna be
a mother-in-law that is loved and adored. So
can we all do an Amin, please? Alright.
So aggressive communication, we talked about that. Alright?
Then what is thank you, sister Helene.
What is the Islamic perspective
on what is it?
On,
communication. Thank you. Thank you.
What is the Islamic perspective? So this is
critical because,
you know, a lot of times,
we end up
doing what just kind of a knee jerk
reaction.
There's a knee knee jerk reaction.
Our pictures are still stretched. I don't know
why that is happening. It never happened before.
They're kinda stretched out. They weren't like that
when I chose them.
But we have a tendency to just have
a knee jerk reaction. When someone gets upset,
they just let people have it. What is
the Islamic perspective? How are we supposed to
behave?
What was the example of the prophet sallallahu
alaihi sallam? He was faced
with attacks.
He was insulted.
He was,
persecuted.
He was boycotted.
I mean, he faced
so many
detrimental
experiences.
He saw the people that he loved be
killed. He saw that the people that
he he respected
being
tortured.
And but how did he handle
these scenarios?
He was just a wealth of information for
us. He had the emotional intelligence. He had
the gentleness.
He had so much that we can learn
from, and that is very critical. We can't
just say, hey. This is my personality.
I'm a blunt kind of person. Well, change
it. You know, change it. Oh, I just
I I don't wanna speak up. I'm scared.
Change it. We have to see what is
the Islamic approach
and then adopt it Inshallah. Right?
So the,
let me do it like this.
Alright.
So the Islamic perspective is that aggressive
behavior. If you're aggressive, this totally contradicts
Islamic principles
of kindness,
respect, and humility.
If you are, you know,
So if you, you you know, woe to
those who mock and and, you know, give
names and they ridicule
others,
and yet people do this. They do it
to their spouse. They do it to their
kids. They do it to their parents,
and we know that being humble. If you
have a mustard seed
of arrogance, you can't even smell jannah, and
look at how how haughty people are, how
how arrogant people behave. Right? So the prophet,
sallallahu alaihi salam, emphasized
the importance of gentleness.
Right?
And it says Allah is gentle and loves
gentleness in all matters. So when there's gentleness,
you see that everything gets beautified.
When you are gentle in the way you
speak with your spouse,
that is gonna be well received. If you
are gentle with your children, that's gonna be
well received. But if you yell and scream
and you're harsh,
that's when people
react.
Right?
Alright.
So,
what are the ways to be assertive
with Kamiyyah? Being assertive is
the best way. It's the middle path. Right?
And the prophet
has always described, like, the middle path. You
don't wanna be extreme in any way. You
don't wanna be you don't wanna be aggressive.
You don't wanna be a doormat. So the
middle path is being assertive where you express
or remember what
what classifies,
assertive
communication.
Do y'all remember
how is it that you can be
assertive?
You're speaking up. Right?
So let's do it like this.
Okay.
So this is when you clearly state your
needs, feelings,
while respecting
others. I don't know why we didn't put
a happy face
for that one. Okay. You state what it
is. Right?
And you use I statements,
and you maintain eye contact. You're saying, you
know, I I feel very neglected when you
don't spend time with me. I feel very
disrespected
when you raise your voice
and listens actively and respects the differences of
opinion. So when you are assertive,
you,
you get your point across, but you're not
being,
you're not attacking.
Right?
So let's see.
Sister Hala, if a friend accuses you of
being terrible,
etcetera,
and then cuts you off,
how would you handle that? What steps would
you take to come to terms
with what has happened?
So they just say you're terrible, like, and
and no explanation?
Was there
a situation?
You know, we have to realize that
a person's
feelings
and their
reactions,
right,
it's based
on
on events. Right? It
we we can't dismiss
when a person
feels
hurt,
anger,
disrespected.
We cannot just say, okay. Your feelings are
wrong or you shouldn't feel that. Many people
end up doing that.
You know, they mean well. They mean well.
Maybe they like someone, and if you've been
hurt by them, then it's kind of like,
oh, but, you know, they're not like that.
But you you can't dismiss.
You can't dismiss. So when someone is telling
you
you're terrible, now
you have to kinda analyze it. You have
to kinda see, like, what what has made
them feel this way.
It may be intentional. It may be unintentional.
I don't know the scenario to, you know,
to give you
advice
regarding the situation because I don't know what
what went down. Right? Sometimes
it's,
you you
know, it might be out of an argument.
It may have been out of being neglected.
It could be out of, like, maybe,
someone was talked about.
I there there's hundreds of scenarios. Right?
So
you have to kinda look and see,
was there anything that warranted this kind of
reaction? Was there anything that you may have
said or done
intentionally or unintentionally? Sometimes it's unintentional.
You know?
So no explanation, just accusation.
Alright.
Well,
it really it helps to kinda analyze,
the relationship,
and a lot of times it's it's unintentional.
You may have behaved in a way that
made the other person really feel
disrespected. Okay?
And what I would do is maybe send
sending
a a text saying, you know, I I
value our friendship,
and
I really would like to understand
what happened
because I'm looking
to always, you know, improve myself, and,
I would like to have the opportunity
to maybe clarify
or clear any misunderstanding.
That's that's how I would,
deal with it. So assertive communication.
Okay.
Assertive communicate. The example is, I feel concerned
when deadlines are missed. So you're expressing
what you're worried about or, you know, and
then you say, can we discuss how to
ensure
we meet them?
You're showing concern, or you could say, you
know, I've noticed that
we you have missed some of the payments.
Right? Let's say, payments we've been charged.
There's been a late fee.
What can we do
to alleviate this? Right?
I need more to and then or if
someone is asking something of you, say, I
need more time to complete this project. Can
we extend the deadline?
Right?
When you share that,
instead of just agreeing,
right, instead of agreeing
and then,
feeling pressured
and then, like, being really upset about it,
what you need to do is just simply
ask. Right? Now the psychological
perspective is it's associated with someone with higher
self esteem
and better mental health. Right? And what it
does, it makes a relationship
healthier,
and it's definitely
effective conflict resolution.
So when,
let me put it like this. Alright. So
when I was, when I was doing my
master's program, we had to take turns being
the counselor
and,
the client.
And this is what I worked on the
most because I I was more of a
people pleaser. I kinda went along, and I
didn't wanna rock the boat, nonconfrontational.
And so I worked on assertiveness training,
and that helped me so much. I cannot
tell you. It was it was the most
empowering experience
because
I didn't wanna be aggressive. And, usually, people
who are nonconfrontational,
they have individuals in their life that could
that are aggressive, and they see how, like,
that's ugly behavior. They don't like it, and
so they think,
well, I don't wanna be aggressive, so then
they think that's the other extreme. Right? I'm
just gonna be passive, but there's a middle
ground, and that middle ground is being assertive.
Okay?
Let's see, sister Rabia.
How do we undo a perception
that you were given by your parents? How
do you understand,
it's incorrect, but it has become an automatic
thought? How do you
undo or replace that?
Well, this is great. You're asking some really
deep questions
about, you know, with childhood,
and these are things that can be addressed
as you go, let's say, through counseling
and you understand,
let's say,
what
what these, like, let's say, labels were, how
it impacted you, how you're different, how you
can
continue to make progress.
Also, going through the Mindful Hearts Academy, I
feel that,
that in-depth
analysis, and maybe, sister Adriana, if you're still
on, I'm sure you could share
how going through,
my mentorship program, the Mindful Hearts Academy,
how it has helped you to kind of
understand yourself better, how to readjust,
your views
of yourself.
So it just it takes a lot of
internal
work. Okay?
Sister Aish
Aishta.
Aish no. Aishta too. Sorry. I don't know
why I wanna call you
Aisha. I think I have a client named
that.
Aisha too. Sister Hala, when does a person
reach a level
where they can have high self esteem? What
is the sign that a person
or one has high self esteem?
Alright. So,
have you gone through
lesson 1?
Lesson 1 level 1, lesson 1? Because that
would that's all about self esteem.
Self esteem is when a person,
they value themself.
Right? They value themself, and I've expressed this
before where I remember being in,
leadership training.
I had,
close
to, like, 10 years of leadership training,
6 intensive.
Where
okay. What was it? So where they really
emphasize how you view yourself. So, that
training, like, always
having positive self talk,
you
view yourself
in a positive light, and you view others
in a positive light. So a doormat someone
who is a doormat, they see themselves as,
like,
a one and others as a 9. Right?
So they just look up to everyone, and
they think, oh, I don't have anything to
offer.
A person who is arrogant
or aggressive, they see them self as a
9 and everyone else as a 1, so
they are condescending.
Now you need to be like a 99.
You see yourself as, you know, I'm worthy
of respect. I have a lot to offer,
alhamdulillah,
and you view others with respect. Right? So
it's, when someone has high self esteem,
they are happy for others. They, you know,
they celebrate others. They give compliments. They they
see someone succeeding. They're happy for them. Their
children are succeeding. They're happy for them. Those
people with low self esteem, they just as
soon as anything good happens for anybody, it's
this kind of reflection
and
I don't have it, and why do they
have it easy. And it's just that is
a really big sign of someone with high
self
low self esteem is when they're always bothered
by the good things that happen to others.
High self esteem, they express themselves,
they're happy for others,
they
what else? They're able to to express their
needs. Okay? Let's see.
I am struggling
I'm struggling to let go of
someone who cut me off due to what
seems like a built up resentment without any
real conversations. I'm also a fixer, so maybe
I'm struggling
to let go of fixing a situation.
Right?
You know, the idea of,
there are some people,
and it varies. Right? I've had situations
where majority of the people
that
I have let's say,
an issue comes up
and I bring it to their attention,
majority of people
sometimes deny it. Right? There's this denial. Oh,
no. No. Nothing's wrong. Just busy, busy, busy.
Right?
Or,
you know, they they turn it around. Right?
Or you find that, like, just the maturity
is lacking. Right? I mean, I do conflict
resolution. It's, like, 10 hours a day.
And if someone is open, you know, I'm
definitely open to resolving conflict, but sometimes you
find that if some if a person
lacks the skills,
so they
will,
you know, they they will react in a
very immature way.
And so you find that let's say,
if you approach a person and maybe they
are
somewhat,
you know, you find that
there are people who cannot take criticism.
If they have a narcissistic
personality and you say anything
remotely,
like, I am, like,
you know, seeing some kind of shortcoming,
they just they either shut down or they
attack.
And and maybe if, you know, when you
see that in a person like, if I
see it in a person, I'm like, oh
gosh. Like, this person is just like, they're
not reasonable. They're not reasonable. They're not
reflective.
They are not introspective,
and that makes me just you know what?
I I'm not gonna try to resolve something
with a person who is gonna, like, just
either get bent out of shape or freak
out. Right?
So,
you have to kinda look at this and
see, have you had traits like this? Right?
Because
I'm all about conflict resolution, but if I
if I deal with a person who
who is just not in touch
or denies
or attacks or just, you know, shuts down,
they just kinda wonder, like, I don't know.
Like, they it's just the skills are not
there. They have to evaluate and see, do
I have the skills? Have I shown
that maturity
to be able to handle
the, like, conflicts,
because if not, then maybe that person is
not approaching because of the reactions they've gotten.
We always have to look at things from
the other perspective
and not just we don't wanna be a
victim. We don't wanna victimize ourselves, and we
don't wanna be,
like, just victimizing and blaming because that's that
is the go to response
that most people have. Okay, sister Adriana?
Sister Rabeel, phase 1 is really critical in
understanding your thoughts and finding ways to interrupt
your thoughts,
as well as how beliefs work and how
to identify core beliefs. Yes,
mister Adriana, high five.
You really tackled
the,
core beliefs. I remember.
Alright.
Super helpful in the process of healing and
understanding.
Thank you, sister Adrianna. I've been on mindful
hearts, and it has changed my life.
Sister Rabia, high five for
taking the time and effort
to, you know, be a part of the
mentorship program
and then seeing the effects of it. That's
so exciting.
So we talked about the assertive communication.
Right?
Then we have
so how how can you be more assertive?
This is, you know, this is the $1,000,000
$1,000,000
question.
Right? So here are some ways.
Sister,
I
This is great. I agree. Mindful Hearts Academy
is life changing. Sister
Ayesha too. I said it right.
High 5.
And we have I'm unable to keep calm
with my husband.
I feel,
like I'm unheard,
unsupported,
and doing single parenting even though he is
a practicing Muslim.
Can you help me how to,
what,
get a maximum benefit from this program?
Okay.
So that that must be it must be
very difficult
where,
you have like, you don't feel you're heard
or you are supported.
And, you know, unfortunately,
a lot of Muslim men may,
not have the skills to be a good,
you know, to be a good parent,
And and I can understand. Like, that can
be very, very frustrating because, you know, you
want there to be a partnership. You wanna
have someone that supports you,
and so
you have to look at the situation
and recognize each individual,
they have a capacity.
K? Like this cup. This cup has a
capacity.
I can't pour a gallon into this. Right?
And then you have to understand, like, am
I getting anything out of this relationship?
Right?
Am I benefiting in any way? Because sometimes
the person will say, yeah. Yeah. It's like
this person
is good. They are,
they provide well. They are good.
They are a good Muslim in the sense
that I don't have to worry about them
lying and cheating and all of that. But
they're an uninvolved parent. And then you have
to sometimes come in come to terms
with that
and and accept it,
or you say, no, I'm not getting anything
out of this relationship. It's just causing me
pain and stress and anxiety, and then you
have to evaluate it. Right?
How to maximize
this program?
Okay.
Obviously, going through it
from the beginning, that that's ideal. I know
that it is,
it is a very comprehensive
program,
and,
but what you could
do, I would say start with, you know,
with the self esteem. That that is a
critical part.
And then
if you need to pick and choose and
see what areas
you really struggle with, because maybe someone,
maybe
they are very goal oriented, they don't need
the the support in time management
or reaching their goals. They already have that,
but emotional intelligence is lacking. So you can
go and prioritize
because each
lesson is is like a it's a stand
alone lesson that you can benefit from for
sure. Obviously,
if you start from the beginning and take
it, like, that is that is the most
effective way to do it.
And,
definitely,
like, one phase, if you do the whole
thing, you will you'll maximize your benefits,
okay, rather than just taking one lesson.
But they do they
you can benefit from each lesson as a
stand alone course, and, obviously, you get maximum
benefit by doing, like, the whole phase of
it. Okay?
Because I I put a lot of psychology
into
what I choose,
what topic I start with, how in-depth I
go, so all of it is,
very, very relevant. Okay.
Let's see.
Well, she said she was upset. She wasn't
told that I owned my property with my
husband. I told her when I felt ready,
and I told her I felt like
she was projecting.
Maybe I mishandled the conversation.
Okay.
Upset when she wasn't told that I owned
my property with my husband. Okay.
Well,
labeling
generally is not well taken. Right? Say, hey,
you're you're projecting.
This immediately makes a person defensive.
Right? So you have to be very careful
about that. I know it's
it's tempting to do because it seems so,
it's, like, blatantly clear,
and you may wanna be, oh, you're me
as narcissist.
Oh, you're being yeah. And it's it's so
easy to do that,
but it does make a person feel defensive,
and so that that's probably
what happened. Let's see.
Is there a way I can make you
my mentor? Usually,
when I'm going through something,
I pull out a relatable lesson, and I
listen
to it again. Well, yeah, this is this
is it. This is like being a part
of the program is,
you know, getting getting the mentorship,
and what we're actually thinking about doing is
starting back from the beginning and letting people,
like, join on and then having, like, discussions.
So,
this is, like, in the making
where we start from the beginning, and then
you, like, you can come on with your
videos.
And,
and, I mean, there's, like, there's gonna be
kind of different,
tiers, and we discuss it
and benefit from it. So,
this is what we're looking into, so that
will be even like a better way of
getting the mentorship.
Alright.
So let's see.
Assertiveness
training
exercises.
You and we're we'll go into each one
of these. There's self
reflection. Everything starts with
looking within. Right? A person
who does not look within, a person who
just thinks they're perfect, or they think that
they oh, it's everyone else is messed up.
It's me. I'm the only one. Like, that
is the most inaccurate,
immature,
psychologically
unstable
way of looking at the world. Okay?
We have to recognize
that we have shortcomings. We have to recognize
that there's a lot of work to be
done, and it's so obvious when someone has
done the work, and it's so obvious when
someone has not done the work. I've always
said this. It is like
personal hygiene.
How easy is it to recognize when someone
hasn't showered for a month?
You know what? You don't need to sit
there and, like, analyze it. Right?
So when someone has not done the internal
work, when they haven't, like, overcome
when,
when they haven't overcome, like, all the jealousy
and animosity
and the competitiveness
and and all the pettiness and,
it's like it's like someone who hasn't showered
for a year. Like, the stench of it
the stench of it is so
evident,
and that is it's recognized by people who've
done the work. Right? So, like, if you've
showered
and you have someone, you're sitting next to
someone who hasn't showered, you're just like, oh
my god, I can't breathe. Right?
So,
we have to do the internal
work.
If you don't do the internal work, guess
what?
Your relationships are gonna suffer. You're gonna have
internal
turmoil. You'll have anxiety. You'll have depression. You'll
have broken relationships.
You will be a complete
mess if you don't do the internal work.
So that's why it is very critical.
Let's say,
how do you know when someone has not
done the work? It is it is so
blatant.
It is so blatant.
So obvious.
Where do I begin? My goodness.
You know, when there's childish behavior, there's immaturity,
there's the inability
to
maybe
have a civil conversation,
they explode or they shut down,
they,
they may be very jealous, they may
overreact,
they act like a, you know, 8 year
old who has a tantrum.
All of these all of these are indications
that they haven't.
How common is it for people to work
on that's not very common?
You know, I have seen
individuals
that
there there are certain individuals.
They could even be in the field of
psychology, and they haven't worked on themselves. I
mean, I I just get shocked. I get
shocked when I see people in the field,
and they're filled with so much animosity
and so much ugliness
in their behavior. Like because how you conduct
yourself with others says everything about how you
are inside. You know how they say hurt
people,
hurt people hurt people,
and you just see it. It's like when
someone is, like, out to attack others and
they bring other people down and they like,
their whole
life is about plotting against others. Like, this
is a messed up person completely.
Right?
Now
I've seen individuals,
it and it doesn't it it has nothing
to do with the religious
knowledge.
I've met people with PhDs
in Islamic studies,
and they haven't worked on themself.
Their personality,
their,
immaturity,
none none of that has developed.
And then I've seen people, like, someone that,
recently really impressed me, was,
brother Wadud,
that I did the
mindful Ramadan this year with.
His training is in mindfulness.
He has he's been to Harvard and he's
been to,
Vanderbilt.
His whole focus is doing the internal work,
and it shows.
It is like someone
who,
like, you know, I always say,
someone who has taken care of their hygiene.
Right? So someone who is freshly showered and
has the atr and has, you know, that
impeccable
character.
How many people are there like that?
You know, it is limited. And when you
when I see someone
that has done the internal work also, like,
when I went to South Africa
and the group of people that I was
with, like,
uncle Adris, Masha'allah,
like, this person who is who he has
worked on himself.
Sister Mariam Limu, she has worked on herself.
Like, I just like, just beautiful,
beautiful.
There was another sister.
I'm trying to remember. Gosh. Mhmm. I I
just went blank right now. But,
they, like, they hosted us.
Such humility, such beautiful,
beautiful
ahlal
that you're like, wow. This person has done
the internal work. They have done their religious
studies, and and it shows in in their
character in how they deal with others.
But it's it's very
it's uncommon,
unfortunately.
It is very uncommon, and it makes me
so sad
because so many times, I feel like, you
know,
I I'm so excited. Let's say someone has
the Islamic knowledge or someone has a certain
status or someone
and and I'm longing
because I'm like, I always wanna learn. I
always wanna improve, and I and in interacting
with them, it's just like, oh, wow. It's
kind of like
it's kinda like you get stabbed accidentally.
Right? And I remember telling this to a
friend because she
she wouldn't really think about what she was
saying,
and she was very more on the aggressive
side. And then she's like, I'm sorry. I
didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean
it. I'm like, you know, it's like taking
a sharp knife,
and you're you're you're
running into people,
you're running into me, and you're making you
know, you have, like, wounded me,
and I'm bleeding, and you're saying, oops. Sorry.
Right?
So
people who are not aware,
they are, like, wounding others. They're bleeding on
others, and so we have to be so
mindful.
We have to be extremely
mindful
because,
you know, you you go and you approach
someone thinking that this person is gonna is
going to emanate this, like, beautiful aroma of
ahlag and religiosity,
and then you you get stabbed.
Right? And it and it's just a little
bit it's disheartening,
but you come to the realization
that,
you know, it like, knowledge Islamic knowledge, it
doesn't go hand in hand with good akhlag
unless someone actually makes an effort.
You know, let's say
age.
Someone could be 65 years old and still
act like a child.
They really do. And they have a tantrum,
and they don't know how to resolve conflict,
and they they're rude.
Right? So it doesn't go with age. It's
not an you know, it's not with degrees.
Someone could have a double BHT and still
not have a beautiful character.
So it really is like someone who has
like, they have to put a lot of
time and effort into it. Right?
Let's
see.
Where were we?
Alright.
Salam all,
how can a person be assertive when the
when the same situation keeps repeating,
assuming the person often successfully
manages to handle first
or a few repetition but fails later. Okay.
So how can a person be assertive
when the same situation keeps repeating?
Okay?
Well,
you have to kind of recognize maybe where
this person is coming from, what kind of
issues that they are facing, and
who they are in your life. Right? Because
sometimes,
if it's a spouse, then definitely it's worth
your time and effort to understand this. Maybe
do a course, do, like, a marriage,
course. I have my 5 pillars of marriage.
It tells you step by step
how to get the results, how to feel
better. Sister,
Aisha, if you could go ahead and put
that link,
and then with the savings,
then, maybe you can benefit from it because
it's it's not it's not easy. And then,
like, pillar 4 is all about conflict resolution,
and we'll give you step by step in
how to resolve the issues. Okay? So that
will that will be helpful.
But when you are when you are assertive
and the person is not, you know, learning
from it, you really have to kind of
recognize
what's holding them back. And I I don't
have enough time maybe to get more information
about it to give you a more detailed
explanation.
I don't wanna leave the relationship.
I love him, but problem is now I
get aggressive and emotional outburst happen.
Only I'm having the problem.
If I'm silent,
all are happy, so I'm the only problem.
Well, you're not the you're not the only
problem. It's just about
you need to express it in a way
that you don't, you know, you know, end
up exploding,
and you have to come to terms, and
you have to, like, let's say, accept certain
aspects.
So if you accept certain aspects of the
relationship,
you won't,
continuously
be frustrated
because
unhappiness,
frustration
all comes
from maybe unrealistic expectation. Now it may not
be unrealistic
to have your spouse help out with the
kids, but if he's not capable of it,
it's kind of like, you know, telling someone
to lift £300,
and they don't have the capacity.
They don't it doesn't matter if you yell,
if you scream, if you threaten,
if you plead,
they don't even be able to lift it.
So it's a capacity issue. Okay?
Let's see. Kindly give links for lesson
1 through 4.
Okay. Are if you're a part of Mindful
Hearts,
Academy,
then you will have access to that. If
not,
then, then we'd love we'd love for you
to join.
Alright. So where are we? So self reflection,
role playing,
then the I statements,
active listening. I'm gonna go into each of
these, separately.
Assertive body language,
setting boundaries,
handling criticism, and time management. Okay?
So
you have to reflect on yourself. This is
so critical.
We are so busy
criticizing others. We're so
adamant
about
correcting
and
fixing others, but how much time are we
putting into fixing ourselves? Right? So the self
reflection, the exercise you can do is just
journaling your thoughts and feelings
about, like, certain inner, interactions.
You have to start
when you write down what you're going through.
And I I started this, alhamdulillah, from when
I was in in middle school. I always
I wrote down my goals. I wrote down,
you know, my feelings. Like, this is just
ingrained in me.
Like I said, in the leadership training that
I had,
it emphasized that even more. Getting things on
paper, it's just it's like a contract.
You take it more seriously when you write
it down, and then the goal is identify
patterns of passive or aggressive behavior
and understand
your personal triggers. I always reflect
on, you know, like, what are your triggers?
Sometimes it's disrespect. Sometimes it's,
being criticized. Other times it's about,
it has to do with,
being neglected
or being abandoned.
And so when you know that, then,
you you have a better understanding of what
to expect. Okay. The role playing, the exercise,
practice assertive communication
and hypothetical
scenarios
with a partner
or in front of a mirror. So this
is what I did, like, I was telling
you when I was doing my master's and
we had to take turns being the client
and the therapist.
I always practice my assertiveness training because I
felt that that was an area I needed
to improve on, and it really helped. It
really helped
to come up with scenarios. And now I
do this with my clients
where we will, you know, create scenarios and
say, okay. Now how are you gonna handle
it? How are you gonna speak up? How
are you going to
correct the situation?
And the goal is to build confidence
in expressing your thoughts and feelings assertive
assertively.
So you could do this with someone or
try to practice it on your own. So
the I statement, you know, because a lot
of times when we are upset
when we are upset, we point the finger.
You do this, and you never do that.
And so when you are
doing the I statement, you start with yourself.
And you say, you know, I feel I
feel frustrated. I feel upset. I feel hurt
when you do so and so.
And so it reduces the blaming
and improves
clarity and effectiveness of communication.
When you do the I statements, then no
one can sit there and
argue your points because you're just saying I
feel. Right? Your your your feelings cannot be
dismissed.
Although some people still like to be dismissive
of feelings
even though it is like it's just such
a it's such a wrong thing to do,
The active listening last lesson
was all about
active listening. How do you listen?
How do you make this a,
how do you make a person feel like
you
have
heard them and you have understood?
That is a very important lesson. If you
didn't catch that, make sure, you know, you're
part
of the, you know, membership program and you
can you can benefit from it Insha Allah.
The exercise practice active listening techniques such as
paraphrasing or summarizing
what the other person says. So it's basically,
let's
say, your spouse tells you, no, I feel
I feel disrespected when you raise your voice.
So what I'm hearing you say is that
you feel disrespected
when I
raise my voice. Is that correct? And they
say, yes. That's correct. Or they can correct
it. That's so critical.
Enhance
understanding and shows respect for the other person's
viewpoint.
When you do it this way,
when you
are, you know, listening,
you're paraphrasing,
it is so
powerful. Right? It makes such a difference.
Alright.
Okay. Sister
Aisha, the,
the one with the savings, it's
forward slash okay.
You say 5, the number 5, 5 pillars
of marriage.
5.comforward/
save, and you can save $200 on that.
Is that and the mindful hearts. Thank you.
Alright.
Change hub.
Alright.
I don't like much talking to people. Happy
in my company.
I'm very direct person, and I don't like
pretending. I'm interested psychology. Would I be able
to become a counselor
with such characteristics?
You don't like talking,
okay, to people.
Well, that that can be problematic because if
if you're gonna be a counselor, you're gonna
spend all your days talking to people,
Being direct,
you you really have to have diplomacy.
You really have to know how to present.
It's not about being fake, and this is
what I try to help people understand.
I am all about being an authentic person,
and I'm all about being, like, walking the
talk, not pretending. Like, I I get disgusted
by individuals who put on a show, and
they pretend to be something they're not. I
I find that to be
repulsive.
Okay? So,
I would never tell someone to pretend to
be something that they're not,
especially pretending to be, let's say, happily married
or a good parent, and they're not even
married or a parent.
Unfortunately,
there are people like that. So I'm not
about being,
about fake in any way, shape, or form.
It is about
knowing how to present and how to package
and how to be effective. It takes, you
know, if you if you want if you're
interested in psychology,
when you know the psychology of people,
you actually
learn
what ways you can penetrate the heart. So
if you're, like, gonna say, well, I don't
really care, and I don't have the time,
and I I it bugs me, then,
then, you know, you may either
really focus on changing yourself and improving yourself
or maybe choose a profession where you wouldn't
have to,
talk with people
and because if if you just, you know,
let people have it I remember one of,
my
friends went to,
spoke to a person. They weren't even a
therapist. Like, they they really didn't have the
certifications. They didn't have the education,
but they put themselves in a position,
with something really
hocus pocus, honestly.
And
she had, like, such
a,
direct
and
offensive
analysis of my friend. And when my friend
was telling this is one of the
most
exceptional human beings I've ever met in my
life,
and and she was in tears. She was
in tears when she was telling me
the analysis because it was so
negative.
And what does she base it on? Nonsense.
Okay?
And she she just fell apart. She goes,
this really broke me because, like, she makes
such an effort. Like, she's one of those
people talk about good
hygiene. Like, talk about
spending, you know,
spending time, money, and effort on herself. I've
never met anyone
who has invested as much time and money
in fixing herself.
But yet this woman just decided to slap
her with something baseless,
and and it broke her. And she was,
like, really, like, just like, she felt like
her,
world had fallen apart, and I just you
know, I had to tell her. I go,
first of all, this person doesn't have the
education. They don't have the training. They don't
know what they're talking about. They don't even
know you. And it's like everything she said
was contrary
to
to who she was.
Right? So
you if if you're going into a profession
like this, you have to have you have
to be diplomatic,
or else you do more harm than good.
Right? Slapping people with the truth
is not effective.
Okay? I hope that helps.
Alright. Let me see.
What is
what is your opinion of young Muslims giving
marital advice or commentary on
youth or women, etcetera, without any credentials,
whether they are secular or Islamic.
Oh, don't get me started on that. You
know,
if there is
complete transparency
where a person may say,
I'm not married. I don't have experience. I'm
just I'm just reflecting.
Right?
That would be something. I've had people in
the community. They've been divorced multiple times,
but they don't wanna say it, And they'll
do, like, a a talk on marriage.
There was someone that was giving a a
marriage,
like, workshop, and I went up to them.
And I'm like, oh, How long have you
been married? Like, I'm divorced. How many kids?
Yeah. I don't have kids.
And
they won't
announce it.
So
if, you know, there are there are people
who are divorced, and they can share their
knowledge, and they can say what not to
do and, you know? But as long as
you're, you know, being open and honest. Right?
Let's say,
you know, doctor Shefaliq, she's divorced. Everyone knows
she's divorced. She's a single mom. Right? It's
but it's that deception
that I have a problem with. I the
deception of I'm gonna put on a show.
I'm gonna pretend,
no one's gonna know, and, you know, you're
sitting there talking about something that you couldn't
do
or someone if if like, let's say,
a person
who has a biz like, they've been bankrupt.
Right? They started 3 businesses, and they they
went bankrupt in all three businesses,
And they don't share that, and then they're
like, oh, let me teach you how to
become a millionaire.
Yeah. Who the heck? Like,
this is such deception,
and Allah knows
that you're, you know, you are deceiving others
as long as there's transparency.
A person says, you know what? I don't
have I don't have I'm not married. I
don't have advice. I'm divorced. I don't have
any kids.
Like, say it like it is and stop
deceiving people. Like, that's,
a change. Thank you. I would work on
myself first. Good job. Give me high five.
I'm glad. Alright.
So, yeah, it's it's about being really open
and honest. Okay?
What does your body language
communicate? That that is really important because, like
I said last time,
when a person is talking to me, like,
in in a session,
and if their body language matches their words,
I take it. Right? But if their body
language
contradicts what they're saying,
I listen to the body language
over to what they're saying. Because they could
be like, yeah. I'm I'm I'm very comfortable
with the fact that, you know, we're gonna
be doing this. I'm like, no. You're not.
No. You're not. And people are more aware
of what they are saying. They can kind
of,
censor that, but they're so
uninformed
about body language,
And it and it's just that
to me, like, body language is like
a neon
billboard that is flashing.
I I pay so such close attention
to people's body language, and that's why, like,
I have to have the video on
because the way
even
microexpressions.
Right?
Even microexpressions.
I had a situation where
I asked someone
if they had ever been if they ever
had any kinda unwanted touch,
and it was for a split second,
they just went like this. And I said,
why did you have to think about it?
And because I caught that and I told
them about it, there was, like, a whole
oh my gosh. It unfolded so much. Right?
So
your body language speaks
volumes.
It's actually
yelling to the world
how you feel about yourself, how you are
in that moment. And that's why if you're
just sitting there and you're twiddling your thumb
and you're like, you know, you're nervous or
you're tapping your feet or you're, like, you
know, sitting there in your clothes or you're,
like, sitting there and, like, trying to be
confident, like, all of that. Oh my gosh.
It just, like,
it it is saying so much, but you're
not realizing it. Right?
Focus on maintaining. So you have to maintain
eye contact. If you don't have eye contact,
it really
is hard
to take a person take you seriously.
It's hard to trust you. It's hard I
mean, I know
the thing is with,
opposite gender,
you you know, this idea of
Islamically
lowering your gaze,
you can look you don't have to, like,
lock your, you know, the gaze and the
eye. But maybe, like, you know, look up
on the the forehead or look above. But
if you are just, you know, sitting there
and talking like this, it doesn't portray
confidence.
Right? So
what I do, if I'm dealing with an
opposite gender,
like, in my session, like, I I will
look, but it's you know, you you lower
your gaze
throughout, so it's not like you're locked in.
Right? So you could do that. It reinforces
assertive verbal message
with confidence
and
nonverbal cues. So you really have to make
sure
that you match your your what you're saying
and your behavior. Setting boundaries,
you really have to practice saying no. Okay?
And and you have to set certain limits
in the scenarios.
Set the limit
because it is it's not it's not right
to be taken advantage of and then feel
bad about it.
Protect your personal time and energy while respecting
others. So if someone is sending you messages,
let's say, at 11:45,
and you don't wanna, you know, be bothered
that that don't respond.
Right? If someone is imposing on coming over
and you don't want that, don't accept. You
know, be able to
set nice boundaries. How do you deal with
criticism?
Criticism how you deal with criticism says a
lot about your self esteem. Okay?
So handling criticism.
You have to develop, like, responses
to constructive
and destructive
criticism.
First, you have to recognize, like, who is
giving the criticism. I always love to use
this example
of, like, if you're
cooking and Gordon Ramsay
is is there giving you
suggestions, you better listen up because he knows
what he's talking about.
But there are some people who love to
give criticism or love to give advice, and
they themselves may not even cook. Right? So
you have individuals, let's say,
a parent who sits there and gives marriage
advice, and they they have a broken marriage
themself.
So who is giving the advice?
Who is giving you the criticism? Is it
someone they that you love? Is this someone
you respect? And do they have the credentials?
And do they have something to show for
it? Right? It's so easy to give advice.
You guys, it's so easy to get up
there and talk about being, you know, happily
married or having being a great parent. What
do you have to show for it? Right?
Show me.
Where is that marriage?
Where where are the kids you've raised? Where
is the business? Where is the successful business?
Don't just sit there and dish out, you
know, advice if you have nothing to show
for it.
And then
if the person has
the credential and they love you and, they
have something to show for it, then you
really should listen.
Listen to it because it's coming
from a good place. Right? And then learn
to accept feedback without being defensive
or
passive.
One of the most common signs of low
self esteem is when you say, you know,
this this bothered me, and it's like, well,
you do that too.
Yeah, just turning it around. Like,
childish. Very childish thing to do.
Alright. Time management. Prioritize
the task
and communicate deadlines effectively. This is you know,
a lot of times, there's kind of there's
this miscommunication
because you haven't clarified, you haven't put the,
you haven't maybe prioritized,
and if you do that,
then the person knows. I have a tendency
to tell my kids, like, 3, 4 things
at a time,
and they're always like, mom, like, what do
you want me to do? Because I just
have to get it off. Like, I tell
them, and I I have to run off.
So,
you know, it is really important to prioritize.
Okay. I want you to do this first,
then do this, and then if there's time,
you do this third thing. So that's important,
and then it manages the stress and prevents
overcommitment.
Alright?
And what did we write here? I'm I
knew I wrote okay. Integrating
Islamic
teachings. Right? So we really need to reflect
on the example from the life of the
prophet,
and he
exemplified. He was assertive,
but yet he was compassionate.
And when we recognize that, you know, we
wanna internalize
these Islamic principles
of justice,
of respect, of kindness
in communication.
We really
we can't just do what
maybe we were exposed to. Maybe maybe our
parents were explosive. Maybe they were passive.
Maybe we have a very, you know, direct
personality and would like to slap people with
the truth. Well, you know what? That's gonna
get you in a lot of trouble because
the prophet
said, if you guard, guard your tongue, like,
incarcerate
your tongue. Wow.
Imprison your tongue because it is with your
tongue that you hurt. You break relationships. You
break hearts. So just be very careful of
it. Right? And the goal is you really
yeah. We have to just internalize these principles.
Okay?
Dua and istikhara. You know, I I'm sure
many of you, as you're listening to this,
are saying, oh my god. I'm doing all
the wrong things,
and what am I gonna do?
Really,
just turn to Allah. Turn to Allah. Ask.
Allah say, you Allah.
I I have a sharp tongue. I'm impatient.
I have an anger issue. You Allah, I
have arrogance. I have jealousy. Whatever it is,
ask Allah to help you with it. Say,
I am working on myself. You Allah, make
it easy. You Allah, put
put mentors in my life. You Allah, put
good people in my life that I can
learn from. And if you consistently
make du'a, praise takharat, then Allah will put
barakat in your life,
and you have to just kinda strengthen your
resilience, your trust in Allah.
Anything that I have written down, like, whenever
there was a goal that I wanted to
reach, whenever there was something I needed to
work on myself
and I was really genuine,
I would shed tears asking Allah to help
me with it. It was miraculous, the people
who came into my life, the lectures I
listened to, the classes I attended, and sometimes
even the
the the horrible experiences I had with certain
people in the community,
I felt that this is a it's a
depiction. Right?
You have to see
what, like,
what it means
to be a hypocrite. Right? Like, you have
to kinda see it in order to feel
the,
repulsion
to just stay clear away from it. Right?
These things and we have a Persian proverb
that says, you learn etiquette from the ill
mannered people.
You learn etiquette from the ill mannered people.
So when when you see
how, let's say,
how disgusting something is like, let's say, like,
someone slurps or someone burps or someone does
whatever it is, and you're like, oh my
god. I I don't wanna do that. Right?
And sometimes you have to see it. You
have to feel it. You have to be
hurt.
Actually,
some of the worst experiences that I that
I've had
propelled me to do and put together this
Mindful Hearts Academy
because I I saw
what's out there. I saw
how some people who don't work on themselves,
some people who are so filled with, like,
insecurity
and low self esteem and jealousy and all
of that. Like, what comes out of that?
And I and I took all of that,
and I channeled it into the mindful hearts
academy in order to help people because I'm
like, I'm sure there are a lot of
people who are suffering,
and,
and we need to just, you know, be
more aware.
Alright. So very quickly, do we have is
there that's the last one. Alright. Very quickly,
if you can
tell me something you're walking away with, something
that, you,
yeah, something that you're committed to, what you
learned.
If you read,
someone's body language and respond based on that,
but the person insists on what they are
verbally
saying,
how should one proceed?
Well, the thing is
you can't necessarily just act on the body
language.
It's it's really about
knowing
there is a lack of congruence
and knowing that it's not, like, a 100%.
But, yeah, you it's, it's tricky because when
I do it, it's like it's in a
counseling session,
and I can kinda bring it to their
attention. I noticed I mean, you say you're
very comfortable. I noticed that you look very,
anxious about this. And I I bring it
up, and we discuss it. So you can't
call out someone's
body language necessarily
outside of a counseling session because they're gonna
get very uncomfortable.
I don't know what you're talking about. Right?
So you gotta be a little careful with
that.
I struggle with criticism
that's given without. Examples, how do I know
you're not just
hating if you don't provide me an example
of how I behaved. Okay?
You know, with criticism,
the the higher the self esteem, the more
receptive you are to criticism. I understand it
is important to have
examples.
If someone is resistant
to sharing
or telling,
it might have to do with the fact
that of how maybe you have responded.
Right?
If if a person feels safe to share,
then they will. So,
I mean, I've I've noticed that with with
certain friendships.
I I won't I I won't spend the
time or energy
or to
to, like, let's say, try to resolve a
conflict because I just I've seen how they
are how they respond,
and and I know it's not gonna get
anywhere. So you have to really be
careful with how you respond maybe in the
future,
because if you're immediately,
defensive or you're immediately, like, you know, oh,
you're projecting and and you react that way,
the person's gonna be like, I I don't
wanna go there. Right?
Okay.
So, sister Adriana, I need to work on
being more assertive. High five.
Good to see you again.
Anything else that you picked up on and
you learned in this powerful
lesson
on
communication.
So I don't know if that link was
shared properly, so I'm gonna put it here.
This is 5 pillars
of marriage
forward slash save,
and
this will save you
$200
in case, like, those of you who are,
having marital issues. This will help you greatly.
Yeah, Allah, help us
to work on ourselves in a way that
we can emulate the prophet.
You Allah, help us to beautify our character,
beautify
our intention,
purify our intentions. You Arab, if we want
to ever communicate
with anybody, You Allah, give us the wisdom,
give us the understanding.
Give us the,
give us the patience, You Arab. You Allah,
if we are struggling in any one of
these areas, if any of the people who
are watching and listening
are struggling in these areas, You, Allah, give
them the mentors, give them the patience, give
them the resilience to overcome. You Allah, help
us to do the internal work
so well
that we are like a newly
showered individual that everyone can can benefit and
from the beautiful character and be aromatic
and not be a source of animosity
and and and disgust for others. You Allah,
if there are any relationships
that we are struggling in, You Allah,
help us
to be our absolute best. You Allah, remove
people from our lives who are a source
of
a source of stress, source of animosity, source
of jealousy,
and surround us with your oliya, You Allah,
people who are sincere or who are good
and who want the best from us.
Help us in this process
to really strengthen our bonds, to build bridges.
And if there's anyone that their heart is
broken, you Allah, repair their hearts. You Allah,
if anyone is hopeless, you Allah, build hope
into their hearts. And, you Allah, please help
our brothers and sisters in Gaza. They are
struggling beyond belief. They have been being burned
alive. They are
having their homes
destroyed. There's
movement, like, 7 times they've been displaced. You
Allah,
bring relief to them. You Allah, help them.
We have seen the most horrific scenes, and
it breaks my heart breaks my heart to
know what they are struggling with. You Allah,
put an end to this oppression. You Allah,
give them relief and bring them safety and
victory, You
for joining in.
Let's see.
Said I need to work on anger issues
especially
near my period. I'm praying to Allah to
help me handle
this emotional roller coaster every month. Can you
do session for that?
Alright. How to handle it better better?
Lesson let's see. What was it? Level 1,
I believe it was phase 3, emotional intelligence.
There's a lot on there. And there there
was another one, phase 4, I believe, about
how to deal with negative emotions. That will
be very helpful to you. Take care.
Bye bye.
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