Haleh Banani – The Benefits of Marriage Counselling

			Welcome back. In Islam we often hear the saying of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him that marriage
is completing half your faith. Given the sacredness of marriage, we must ask ourselves, how can we
ensure our marriages are strong and successful despite the rise in divorce rates these days, I have
the pleasure of interviewing hollub and Annie right here at the all woman's conference being me to
help us explore the topic of marriage counseling. Holly banana has a master's in clinical psychology
with 20 years of experience working with couples and individuals on a variety of issues, including
marriage. She is also the host of our own TV show with Hala, which combines principles of psychology
		

			and Islam to help people reach their potential. Let's hear more from her now on the topic of
marriage counseling. Welcome to the show. Hello, thank you so much for coming on. It's a pleasure to
be here. So I know you're you know, you're definitely a pioneer when it comes to you know,
understanding marriage counseling. Within your work, you have 20 years of experience. I'm just
wondering, what kinds of issues do you get when it comes to marriage counseling? Are you ready for
this?
		

			Well, it is, it is a spectrum of problems that I see sometimes. It's just the daily disputes of not
being able to communicate having in law problems. Sometimes it's intimacy, that seems to be a big
problem. And then other times, unfortunately, it could be infidelity, it could be a lot of more
serious issues. Now, this is interesting, your your the counseling that you target is for Muslim
couples, right. But the issues that you're talking to me about are not our issues that I wouldn't
think especially things like infidelity that are
		

			like you wouldn't think that exist in the Muslim community is happening, it is happening. And it's
happening with practicing Muslims, people who are praying people who are going to the mosque.
Unfortunately, we are not immune to this problem. And I think we need to stop sticking our head in
the sand pretending that our community is immune to this, because I'm seeing it I'm seeing it on a
daily basis where people have certain addictions they have, they're following their desires. And
unfortunately, it leads to a lot of issues. So we need to address it now. And what kinds of I guess,
what kinds of advice do you give people because you have your own, I know you have your own five
		

			colors and marriage chords, and you work directly with couples as well. So how does that walk me
through how that works? The marriage program? Okay, well, this is this is our baby, my husband, and
I put it together and have the last two, three years in the making. So what it is, is, it focuses on
five pillars, right. And so the first one is self development on working on yourself. So whether
you're married or not, you could get started on making yourself the person that would attract the
individual you're hoping to get right and continuously working on yourself emotionally,
psychologically, spiritually in every aspect. So being having a sense of confidence as an Indian 15.
		

			Absolutely, because, and this is, I think, the missing link in a lot of other programs where the
focus is not so much on yourself, it's just on the relationship, but you have to be working on
yourself, right. And the second is, like, on friendship, how to build this amazing friendship,
because that is what makes marriages last, there's 4060 years, right. And so it's all about building
that rapport, having quality time, how to make that person feel loved, and special and a priority.
So that's pillar two, pillar three spirituality, where your connection with a law dictates how you
treat your spouse, how the fact that you're going to be accountable, makes you be so cautious, and
		

			you see your spouse as the way to agenda. So it's not just about if he's nice to me, I'm nice to
him, it's about I want to please, I love it. It's exactly that higher purpose. And then the fourth
is conflict resolution, which is knowing how to solve problems, because most people don't have a
clue, right? We haven't had examples, people either explode, or they ignore the act like a two year
old. So we need to come up with mature ways to resolve the conflicts that we have well, and you're
never actually taught how to no conflict, whether you're in school or university, like that's not
something Exactly. And I always thought, you know, you need a course in any field you go into, but
		

			we don't have a course for how to have a successful marriage. And that's what motivated me. And the
sixth pillar is on sexuality, because this is something it's a taboo subject. And it's a lot of
people have not learned about it from an Islamic perspective. They may get their information from
other sources, but this is an Islamic framework. And it's in the order for a reason that you have to
have each thing in order to to have that great relationship. And at what point I know, you said, you
know, you've done marriage counseling for quite some time. And obviously, the course sounds very
comprehensive At what point in your career. Did you decide, you know, okay, I'm going to focus on
		

			marriage counts from the very beginning, from the very beginning, from the very big I think one of
the first client I had was a serious marriage, marriage problem that was going on. So from the very
beginning, I've been treating couples and it's been a passion of mine.
		

			And doing premarital therapy as well. I do like Skype therapy sessions with international clients.
And and it's interesting because regardless of where they're from the problems are the same. Yeah,
really are. And do you ever get any non Muslim couples as well, for counseling purposes, I've had
non Muslim clients were at someone from New Zealand. And I was like, what gets you to come to a
Muslim female?
		

			And he had heard a lecture and he said, it's just it penetrated into my heart and upon loss, but as
far as couples, I've worked mainly with Muslims, but inshallah, in the future we can expand that
sounds like the issues are so you know, relevant to Muslims and non Muslims. So it seems like on the
unnatural, right, well, it was interesting, because I did a series for Muslim matters. It was like
short little advice on marriage, and someone wrote in, like, you know, I'm not a Muslim. I don't
even agree with the principle. But this information, I feel like really affected me. And I feel that
it could be pertinent to anyone. So you have the law.
		

			If there's one advice that you would give to our viewers who are watching, I guess, sorry, two
pieces of advice. And one who maybe is a newly married couple, who's you know, trying to figure each
other out and surviving with each other, and then maybe one piece of advice to people and I know
personally a lot of couples who are going through
		

			very challenging situations, and how do they, like want to keep it together? What's the first advice
is learning all about the skills right? learn the skills, learn how to prevent problems, before you
get into the marriage, I think that's why it's so important. Some individuals come in for premarital
therapy. And I respect that so much because they're coming in, they're in love. They want to make it
boring. And that's the best time to learn. Because you're you're motivated, you think this person is
lovey, lovey, and it's, it's a perfect time to learn and apply it. So learn the skills, learn how to
prevent the problems before they occur. So I have to pause here and ask I've heard a lot about pre
		

			marital therapy in an idea, what is it exactly? What do people or what do you teach, rather, when it
comes to premarital therapy? So a lot of the same material that I cover in the five pillars of
marriage, right? So it's about learning how to continuously work on yourself learning how to come to
an agreement, how do you come to a compromise? How do you prevent things from escalating? So it's
like all of the all of the problems that may occur. I just had actually one of the volunteer said,
You gave me advice last year, right before I got married, and it's saved my marriage. And I said,
What did I say? You said, when when it came to dealing with in laws, you told me lower your
		

			expectation to Sierra, you know, just lower it. And she said, I am now living with my in laws. And
anytime I start getting, you know, worked up or upset, I remember that, and it really calms me down.
So knowing these things before you get into a problem, because usually when people come for therapy,
it is it's an ultimatum that they have given their spouse either come to therapy, or I'm out of
here, right? And it's like maybe 10 years on the verge of breaking 10 years of baggage. And, yes, we
can overcome that. It takes a lot of effort. But not many people have the ability to forgive and let
go. Right. So at that point, as far as the I think he asked the question about those individuals who
		

			are in a situation where they're about to on the verge of breaking, right? Don't give up hope,
right? Because I have individuals that wrote in
		

			this one converts that that my husband has already written out the divorce papers. And they started,
you know, watching the videos, they said, We only watched two or three videos. It's like we stopped
the divorce and hamdulillah. So don't give up hope you can change it, even if you're the only one
working on the relationship because not not everyone is motivated to go through the process. But if
you're working on yourself, and you change your mannerism, you change the way you treat your spouse,
they're going to react to you differently. And how would you that's amazing advice. Thank you for
that. Sure. How would you I guess as we wrap up, how what would you say to I guess delian ate some
		

			of the stigma around counseling, because I mean, to be honest, when you throw the word, oh, we need
marital counseling. That's equivalent of saying we need help because we're so that's it, we've given
up and you kind of don't go around publicizing I'm seeking help. Right? First of all, you don't have
to publicize it. Right. So it's a private issue. And I think the the fact that it is a Skype therapy
session for a lot of people, it gives them the comfort that they don't have to walk into an office
and they see like five of their friends.
		

			So the privacy is there, confidentiality is there. And something that I really respect is that many
of the shoe has have really evolved throughout the years, and they have come out and said the
importance of seeking professional excellence.
		

			Help. And they have even come out and said that they they thought therapy. And I think that there's
nothing wrong with it. Right? I think if you have some kind of medical problem, if you're suffering
from a heart disease or you have cancer, would you just ignore it? And what would you think of a
person who doesn't deal with those medical problems? would think, no, you were being so negligent.
Exactly. And yet, when we have these emotional issues, when we have, let's say, the depression, or
we have fights with our spouse, it's not going to just go away. It's like a toothache, right? The
toothache is not going away unless you address it. And when you address it, it's so simple. It
		

			really is simple. So, you know, first of all, we shouldn't think about what others are thinking
about us. You don't have to publicize it. And it seriously helps, right? I have seen people go from
being suicidal to celebrating life. And so you don't have to suffer. Right? It's just like, That's
such a that's such a positive note to end on. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. Thank you for
having me. Thank you. Hey, YouTube, we hope you benefit from this video. If you liked it, or if you
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			and Friday.