Haleh Banani – 5 Proven Steps to Get Your Marriage From Hopeless to Hopeful
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of marriage and respect in relationships, emphasizing the need for marriage skills and finding a partner who is motivated and willing to work hard to achieve a love. The program is designed to provide tools for marriage relations, including finding a partner who is a good friend and bringing Islam into one's life. The program provides self-development, friendship, spirituality, and physical intimacy, emphasizing the importance of resolving one's marriage and addressing one's emotions to avoid negative consequences. The program provides guidance on how to handle relationships and improve their health and relationships, and offers a free webinar for further information. Consistent practice and investment in oneself is essential to achieving goals and finding the best job to pursue a marriage.AI: Transcript ©
Alright.
Let us know if you can hear us.
We have sister Maymuna.
We have sister Fawzia, sister Rehab,
and I cannot say that one.
But let us know if you're ready and
we can get started. Alright.
If I get a thumbs up,
we will get get started.
Alright. So we are so excited to have
you here today. We are doing a very
special webinar. It's the first time that I
have my husband, Abdul Najid, here with,
with me. And
so this is, this is my husband of
27
years.
Everybody. It's,
it's nice to be in front of the
camera here. I think I've come on live
maybe a couple of times in the past,
and, it's pretty exciting to to bring this
to you. We spent a lot of time,
my wife and I, putting this program together.
And over the past 10 years, the 5
Pillars of Marriage
has been just
an amazing,
amazing experience of seeing people transform and seeing
my wife. And I'm so happy to be
here today. You can see me from I
I work behind He's always behind the scenes.
So now we're bringing him in front of
the camera.
We wanna share
what we have gone through, and we wanna
empower your relationships.
You know, marriage can be very challenging. It
is,
you know, I think when we started working
I
mean, we've been working together for 10 years,
and I can tell you that's that's when
the main challenge of that thing arose. So
we're gonna be very real with you.
You know, it's I think it's so important
to walk the talk. Absolutely. What we have
experienced is that knowing our
the information that we know about marriages, I've
been doing,
faith based counseling for the past 27 years,
alhamdulillah.
And so professional experience working with 1,000
of couples worldwide
and seeing how they transform with the information
and then drawing upon our 27 years
of, of marriage experiences.
And we've lived in how many different countries?
Three countries, I think. Yes. 3 countries, 4
countries that we've lived in together. Yes. And
how many And it's pretty amazing.
So,
The reality is with the
with the experiences we've had,
most of what we've seen and most of
what we've experienced
is very very similar to every couple out
there. And, alhamdulillah,
alhamdulillah,
because of the
marriage skills that we bring into the relationship
Right. Now we're coming on to 30 years
of marriage.
Oh, it's all because.
And we've been through it all. We're from
different cultures. My,
wife is, from Iranian
origin. I'm from Lebanese origin. So we're coming
in with different cultures. We're coming in with
different experiences,
different expectations,
different rules for our home. So against all
odds, I would say Yeah. Being able to
make it work because sometimes people come from
the same culture, sometimes from the same, you
know, same country, same families, and they still
struggle. So we're gonna bring in a lot
of rich experiences,
and we want this to be very beneficial.
And we want and it's different. Okay. Why
is this it's not just a webinar, first
of all, because you're really gonna walk away
with a lot of tools that you can
apply immediately. If you take what you learned
today and you apply it with your with
your spouse, inshallah.
See the difference. You're gonna see the difference.
Hello. And why is it different? It's because,
you know, it's so easy to give marriage
advice,
but I want you to ask the people
who give the marriage advice.
1, are you married?
You would think, you know,
the People giving advice should be married. Right.
And then 2, are you happily married? Right?
Because, you know, it's kind of like asking
a businessman
if they're bankrupt. You don't want you don't
want someone who's bankrupt giving you financial advice.
Right? So it You might wanna not listen
to him. Take the advice and not listen.
Or what not to do. What not to
do. Exactly.
And so,
and and this is the the fact that
what makes it different is that we're coming
together.
We're sharing with you our true like, our
our life experiences.
That's right. And and
it's not just a personal experience. It's the
privilege of having worked with, with so many
people. So how do you know if this
is for you? Okay? How do we know
this is for you if you are
maybe stuck? You know, you're stuck in your
marriage and you feel like, oh my god.
Like, this person is starting to get kinda
annoying. Right? Or they've been annoying.
Whatever.
Well, I mean, if you're feel like you're
alone in the relationship and you're they're like
a roommate or you barely interact or And
a lot of people end up doing that.
They they live together. They're in the same
space, but they kinda live their own lives
and they end up being very lonely. So
if you feel like you've kinda disconnected,
maybe you never connected to begin with. I
have many,
couples who will tell me it was an
arranged marriage, and and there wasn't a friendship
to begin with. Right? And,
and so maybe the sparks were never there.
Maybe they were. Sometimes
people are,
madly in love. Or how many of you
let's hear from the people who are tuning
in. How many of you are in arranged
marriages? Let's get some reactions here. The more
engaged you are, the more energy we're gonna
get, and we're gonna give you
we're gonna give you,
the best of what we have, Insha'Allah. So
let us know on
whoever is on right now, was it an
arranged marriage? Was it a love marriage? Or
was it a traditional marriage? It would be
great to know
what was out there. With,
with with us, it was very much,
you know, we we met. It was in
the, you know, from the MSA. MSA. Yes.
So that was a wholesome start. I had
a lot. Yeah. When I saw her, I
when I saw her, I I I was
standing with a friend and I said,
she's the one. He's like, you know her?
I'm like, no. And I chased her down.
Believe it me believe me. I chased her
down all over campus and
now the reality is the reality is just
because you start out in love,
just because you're attracted,
the most difficult part because we've had lots
of couples that went through a similar experience
that they were in love. Mhmm. But we
have a picture. Away. We have a picture.
Unfortunately, it's sad. It's like
we were about what? How many couples? 6,
7 couples
from college. Yeah. All good friends of ours.
And all most of them were love marriages.
Yeah. They were all love marriages.
And then it just it didn't it didn't
last, and it's like it's so important to
not just have the love,
not just find someone that has compatibilities
because we know how important that is, but
to have the marriage skills,
to know how to make that love last.
Because it's not just about getting your your
man or getting your woman, but it's keeping
them happy throughout the throughout the decades. Right?
That's right. Okay. So we see we have
some people. They have arranged marriages. There's some
love marriages.
Arrange, arrange.
Love and best friend. That's nice. Oh, great.
Great. Great. That's that's nice.
And,
so we're we're gonna see
that what is it that we can do
to make the love last. Right? And that's
that's what we're gonna talk about today.
So,
was there anything before we get started?
Well, we
could I mean, I think
now,
I think we've got
a good number of people on and I
think it's probably a good time to Let's
get started. Yes.
So what I wanted,
we wanna talk about the some of the
things to avoid. There are 5 crucial things.
So, I think what everybody's
here, and I just wanna make a du'a
for anybody out there, you know. And, you're
coming here.
Many of you might be in pain that
are coming in. Many of you might be
feeling like, you know, you've done everything,
that you're working
tremendously
hard in your relationship. You might be here
alone. You might
feel alone Right. In this. And Very lonely.
There are a lot of people who are
married, but incredibly lonely. No no friendship and
no intimacy.
So Yes. Yes. And they're not they're not
really getting
the the sikina and mawaddah. You know, in
the marriage, the imams always tell us, Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala said,
Yes.
Okay? We made, between you,
love, and rahma, and mercy.
And for what? To have sakinah.
Right. Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala allows us to do this.
And we hear this at every wedding.
Every wedding. And we have to see how
do you bring that about? That's right. Because
we're always told
there's the love, there's the mawada, there's the
rahma, and there's takinah. But the how, how
do you achieve that and how do you
maintain it? And Allah says
he he has put
love. So so when it's not manifesting in
your life,
it's like are you doing your responsibility?
Are we looking at what it is? And
sometimes you might be working really hard
and inshallah, we're gonna guide you
to work smart and,
wake up. So before we get started Wake
up. Well, yeah.
Wake up to the reality of what needs
to be done. I hope you're awake if
you're awake because that would be a problem.
Okay. You said you're gonna make
put the love in the hearts of every
couple that are attending Amen. For each other.
You Allah, make them close to each other.
You Allah, make them a rahma for each
Allah. You Allah, bring peace into their homes.
You Allah, bring love into their homes. You
Allah, ease their pain. You Allah, grant them
grant them success in their households, in their,
in their life, and give them a progeny
that looks up to their marriage, that looks
up. Maybe their children look at them and
say, I wanna be married because I love
my parents' relationship.
Allow us to be the
the the mouthpiece to teach them the tools
necessary so that they can live that kind
of life, You Allah. You Allah, accept from
us, You Allah, any shortcomings that we have,
forgive us, you Allah forgive any of their
shortcomings.
You Allah make us the best ourselves, best
selves and make us bring our best selves
to every to our life
inshallah.
Oh, that's beautiful.
It's always good to start with that dua.
And I also pray that Allah gives us
the ability to penetrate your hearts, and I
pray that Allah opens your hearts so that
you are receptive
to this,
and and don't be closed off. One of
the
things that people tend to, tend to do
is they say, you know, I already know
this, or, oh, I've already figured this out,
or I have already tried this. Try to
come in with an open mind because it's
really amazing how sometimes
one piece of information I see it with
my with the clients I've worked with. One
piece of information applied the correct way and
everything changes. So let's let's be open and
receptive.
So the five things that we really encourage
you to avoid. Okay? So there are 5,
yeah, maybe deadly mistakes that happen.
One of them, and I know it's very
difficult. It's difficult when you're frustrated,
when things, you know, they
the that's not what,
brings and and and and, raises the respect
for one another. And respect is key. Exactly.
Yes. So, you know, the prophet
told
us Don't get angry. Don't get angry. Don't
get angry. 3 times. 3 times. And so
when we we we bring anger into into
any interaction,
I mean, we're gonna harm it. It's gonna
be problematic. Yeah. And there's a Persian proverb
that says always keep the curtain of respect
hanging.
Because if you tear it down and you
start calling each other names, you start yelling
profanity, cursing, all of this is just it
breaks. It damages the relationship. So that's that's
the first thing too. And it creates animosity
because if you get called
names and you are just, sometimes people curse
not only each other, but each other's families.
Yes. Sometimes the parents who are deceased
gets, cursed, and this is it's just it's
unacceptable. And on Islamic, like you said. That's
right. That's right. So first one is
no yelling and no name calling. Right?
And then the second thing is
don't criticize.
Don't criticize. I know it's so tempting.
Because a lot of things can Guilty as
charged.
Yeah. Some people end up getting PhDs in
So so the key thing here when you
say, don't criticize, I think people think, oh,
you live a perfect life. You do that.
No. Sometimes
you you do want to criticize and sometimes
you do criticize.
But how do you handle it? That's the
tool. And,
you know, you need when you're saying don't
criticize, I think give them kinda like some
more. Sure. Sure. So first of all, there's
a difference between
criticism
and observation.
Right? So the criticism
would be, you know, I cannot believe
that you're like, the house is such a
mess, and what have you been doing all
day? There's a funny, actually, video I saw.
I think it was on Facebook and or
Instagram,
and this you know, the man comes home
and everything's a mess.
There's food piled up, dishes piled up, you
know, clothes everywhere.
And he comes, and the wife is, like,
sitting on the couch having her potato chips.
And he's like, what happened? What's going on?
And then was like, well, you know, wait.
When you ask me what did you do
all day, I didn't do it today.
I was like, you know, so it's tough
time, you don't realize what the other person
has done. That's right. So when you come
and you're angry and you're like, you know,
what what is all this mess? And,
that would be a criticism, like or or
attacking the person saying, like, yeah, you're so
lazy or you don't know you don't ever
keep up with things. Or you could say,
oh my gosh. I noticed that things are
not the way they usually are. Is everything
okay? What happened?
That would be very different. Right? And and
I before we move on, because I wanted
to make a point here because I a
lot of couples both are working And then
a woman comes home
and because of our cultural background or what
we have, we find that the woman
does the load of the work
at in the house. Absolutely. And then the
man is used to coming in and relaxing
on the couch because he grew up in
a home with Traditional
home. Roles. Right. And, even though that, you
know, the a traditional home is really something
to beautiful, but it's also,
a traditional home is really something to have
beautiful,
but it's also fine that if both work.
But you get problems that the woman might
start criticizing the man. He doesn't know how
to do the dishes. He doesn't know how
and he might not wanna help anymore. So
I mean Right. Right. So we have to
honor, each other no matter what
circumstances. I see it all. Right? I see
people who are they have the traditional roles.
Right? And they've choose that, and they're happy
with that. There are those who,
both are working, and then I have situations
where the the woman is working and the
man is staying at home. So whatever the
circumstance, you have to be very, you know,
respectful
because when you criticize, the person's gonna feel
attacked.
Right? And they feel like they're not good
enough. That's right. That's right. So the third
thing to avoid
is being defensive.
Right? Being defensive, and this is a tough
one. How many of you would admit
that you have a tendency
to become defensive?
If
you if you are you know, if you're
criticized. Right? If if your spouse
is
is being very, very honest.
This is good. I know I've been defensive
as well, definitely.
And it's it's so natural. Right? Because someone
is telling you, it's like,
oh, you,
I'm gonna use what I told you. It's
like,
oh, you drive too close. You're like, what
do you say tailgating?
And then you're just like, well, you do
it too. Right? It's so natural. That is
like our our instinct to say that. But,
when you're defensive,
then it just it breaks down the communication.
Hammy, oh, okay. So we have
just one person,
admitting that they are defensive. Thank you, sister
Fatima.
Alright. All of you,
No. You're you're you're not a part of
that, the defense of the
but it's it's good to recognize. It's good
to recognize that we all have flaws. I
mean, at any given time, I can I
can,
point out 5 to 10 things I need
to improve on myself? And And I know
that there's always things in our relationship that
can improve. So
first thing is just recognizing that. That's right.
And that's that's really important.
Alright.
What about,
blaming? That's another thing
that we need to avoid at all
cost. Blaming. What could you tell me?
I'd like to hear what you have to
say about,
guilty. Okay, sister Fazio. Thank you.
Hi.
Well,
sometimes when,
one person,
does something and,
you
there's a consequence
to that action or lack of it.
It's very easy to point it out. And,
usually
usually,
when something happens that's wrong,
it's not just
that one person's fault. There are different circumstances.
And I think that it's quite easy to
blame. I know. Yeah.
We all fall into that. It's so easy.
All of these
reactions,
they're normal.
They're normal. They're natural. And if you allow
yourself,
education
because, you know, the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam has said that the heaviest thing on
the scale
is is not the prayer,
is not the zakat, is not the fasting,
it's not doing the Hajj.
Right? What is it? The heaviest thing on
the scale is a good character.
So this is what we actually, we aspire
to implement ourself
and to teach others is to have the
best,
and that comes with training. It's like it's
like going to the gym. You don't start
off with huge muscles. You don't start off
with a 6 pack. No. You have to
work
hard. And and if you don't work hard,
what happens?
You're not gonna achieve. Yeah. And and the
reality is you'll never have
if if the that body that you're you're
working for. So So we have to realize
that these things, they're very natural just like
so many sins are natural.
So many sins are just like it's so
easy. It's so easy to gossip. It's so
easy to lie. It's so easy to do
so many haram things to look and to,
you know, not lower your gaze and all
of the other things that we know about.
However, what do we do? We train ourselves.
We train ourselves and with that training,
we become
the, you know,
try to have the impeccable character like prophet
sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. And the key thing
I think is,
to understand that no one is is perfect.
And this is something, you know, I I
tell a lot of the newlyweds,
the young men, you know, where our kids
are all adults. We've raised 3 100 and
beautiful children.
This is 24,
21, and 19. Yeah. So so, you know,
we've we've seen we've gone through all the
different stages. We know what it takes
to,
to agree and disagree on parenting. We know
what it takes to, you know, And it
does change the dynamics of relationship. It does.
It does. As soon as you have one
child, that changes the dynamics. And you have
the different personalities,
the different
challenges. So That's right. That's right. And and,
you know,
when
you when you react in a normal way
and,
it is harming to the relationship,
how you correct course is important. Right. It's
kind of like you when you learn to
drive,
you have to learn
how to recover from a skid.
I I remember my,
my cousin, he had just got his driver's
license and he got into my car. I
I we were young and what have you.
And I was a few years older than
him, so I had a few years of
experience. And he thought he was this really
good driver. You know, he's just running very
cool. And he got in, and,
he was driving and was driving a little
too fast and he turned and the car
skid. Oh. And, alhamdulillah, I was right there
next to him. All I told him is
I said turn into the,
to the skid,
and then the car corrected. Right. And he
he told me, if you weren't with me,
I would have crashed. Oh, wow.
So
marriage is very much it's not like you're
not gonna skid. It's not like you're It's
not like you're you're not gonna have problems.
Yes. And there's a very powerful
quote that says that,
it's not a marriage without conflict that is
successful,
but it's how the conflicts are resolved. Yes.
Right? Yes. Because we're all gonna have it,
whether it's financial problem, whether it's problem, you
know, with the in laws, whether it's having
issues with your children,
whatever it is, or the community,
religiosity,
but it's how do you deal with those
conflicts.
So now
the the 5th thing to avoid is comparing.
Right? Because whenever you
compare,
it creates animosity.
Right? And it it's very it's also very
common.
You know, you see someone and maybe you're
impressed by them and you feel like, oh,
you know, oh, I wish I wish my
husband was more like that. I wish my
wife would have those characteristic.
And you come and you wanna share, and
then you say, oh,
You know,
sister Sara, like, what? Yeah. Oh, did you
see her cooking? Oh, her cook. Good. Cooking.
All of the fall, the a students.
Right. And so what happens is when you
that doesn't make you jump out of bed
and be more like sister Sara. You wanna,
like, not have anything to do with that
person. Right? Or if, like, the woman is
like, oh, wow.
You know, brother Did you see the car
he got her? Yeah. He must be that
ring?
He must be really successful. It immediately makes
the person feel inadequate. That's right. So make
sure that that's not a way to motivate.
It does not work. No. It does not.
Alright. So now moving right along,
we're gonna talk about the 5 things to
master.
Okay? Because we talked about the 5 things
to avoid.
We're gonna talk about the 5 things to
master. Okay. Any questions for you? Yeah. Let's
do some, see what they're saying
here. Okay. So it's let's see. I think
I'm really young until it comes to a
read, and I have to kinda like That's
okay. I got
you. I got you. Okay. What is the
most and all the most and often mistake
we commit
out of those 5. Oh, which one? Alright.
Which one is happens the most?
Yeah. I I think all
of them are yeah. Yeah. It's,
the team that has the answer. You know,
it's all of them are quite common.
I would say they're kinda like equally,
happening in relationships,
unfortunately.
Which is the most damaging?
It just depends.
Let's say,
what the sensitivity
of your spouse is. Okay? So depending on
their childhood, depending on relationships they have, if
they are very, maybe, insecure
and all of a sudden they get
compared, that might be the end of it.
Right? That's right. Or if they were always
blamed, like, in in childhood and now they're
being blamed, that might be the thing. So
it just really depends
on many factors.
So one thing I wanna make a point
here before you get into the
the list
Okay. Let's see. Can you please quickly reiterate
the 5? Yes. Thank you for asking.
So let's see if anyone remembers.
Who who remembers and we can get bonus
points? I'm always being compared to his ex
wife. Oh, that's not good. Oh my god.
That is not good, you guys. No ex
wife,
no moms, no
what else. I don't know what to
ex
you know, maybe people you've been engaged to.
So okay. The first one
is, first of all, no yelling. No yelling
and name calling. Okay?
The second one, who can say the the
second one?
Let's see.
Second one is no criticism. Okay? Don't criticize
one another.
Then we have don't be defensive.
Mhmm. Right? Why don't you say the
next one?
And don't blame me.
No blaming.
By the
way, by the way, right before the the
the live today,
I blamed her for something that I shouldn't
have. So that's where it's coming from. That's
where it's coming from. So I'm
I'm plugging it in.
I asked you that was, unintentional,
but
okay.
And then the last one is,
comparing.
Right?
Mhmm. And we got comparing. Defensiveness.
Very good. You guys are you guys are
paying attention,
So are you ready to move on now?
So, there's a point I wanna talk about
before we move on.
See, having the right marriage skills, as you
can see, like, right before we went live,
I mean, it's a stressful moment and we're
not acting ourself and you're you react We're
also, like, overseas. We're jet lagged. So So
you you might say or do things that
you know are not the best thing to
do, But you have to course correct, and
it's a skill like we talked about earlier.
Yeah. Like we talked about. Yeah. I keep
looking here. The camera's there.
So,
the the I had to course correct. And
when you course correct, you fix it. And
just like you can learn to,
like, the the the example I gave earlier.
When you like yeah. When you
swerve off the road, swerve right back. Exactly.
It's a it's a it's a teachable skill.
And today, you might be feeling
that there is no hope, and you have
tried
everything and you are working harder than ever
and it's not taking you anywhere. Okay?
And that is
a very difficult place to be in. And
I ask
Allah to ease you, your your difficulty. Amin.
The reality is
when you don't know what to do, it's
like a person who doesn't know how to
swim,
and they feel like they're going underwater.
All they need is the right tool, a
little floatie to hold on.
So Right. We're gonna give you
not only the floaties
Big floaties. Big floaties.
And And and it it likes toolkit. And
it likes to get how to swim. You
know what I always say to people? I
say, you know, I'm sure you feel that
you've tried everything. And I believe you have
tried everything
you know. That's right. But not everything that
is out there. Right? And that's always the
distinguishing thing. Some people some couples come to
me. They've been to 5 Muslim therapists and
an imam, and they're very frustrated. And they're
like, ah, we don't get any results. They
just, like, listen, and they're like, time's up.
And we just they'll just let us argue.
And I said, okay. Just try it one
last time. And it's hard for them to
believe. It's like, what's gonna be different about
this? Right? And then it's just a matter
of trying
a new
technique, a new way of looking at things,
and and it's just it's miraculous. Yeah. So
now we're gonna go to the 5 things
to master in your marriage. Are you all
ready? Let's hear it.
Yes. Alright. Let's see.
Alright.
The one of the most important things on
every
couple that I, you know, I do counseling
with, one of the number one things that
both ask for, and especially the the men,
is the respect.
Women want it. Men want it. It is
the thing that is so important in our
cultures. Right? That's right. And so No. There's
something I wanna tell you. The the reason,
you know, the the reason Hara's program or
or Hara's
methodology
works so well
is she comes from a completely different angle.
If you've ever been in in in marriage
counseling before or you've ever tried to get
marriage help or got a marriage course and
you don't see results,
it's because
people keep trying to do the same
thing. Oh, if we tell them their rights
to have to respect it or if we
have to and the key thing here is
what you're gonna get from Hore
is tried and tested,
through thousands of couples.
And it's it really is like it is
a mercy from Allah, and I know that
it's it is Allah who is the healer.
And I I seek his help, and I
I pray for my clients and and anyone
that we are helping, but it is it
is a methodology
that is unique.
Right? And and so we're going to we
will,
teach that
inshallah with alright. Ready?
Alright. So,
what we want
is,
respect. Respect
is very critical. These are the 5 things
that we really need to master.
And honestly,
each topic,
I could you know, we could spend an
hour That's right. Talking about it. We're limited
on time.
And, so we have to just, you know,
touch on it and go, but there are
so many
layers. There's so many layers because, you know,
many times in the, couples counseling,
the man will regularly say, I want respect.
Right?
And then she's like, I do respect you.
And I asked the critical question, how do
you wanna be respected? Right? Mhmm. So you
have to know
what that respect looks like for the other
person. Right?
So maybe in the way you speak and
also,
how you treat people in front of others.
That's a big complaint. Absolutely.
Absolutely. How important is that? Like, how Oh
my god. Your wife treats you in front
of your family,
how, the husband, you know, treats you in
front of the friends. See, I mean, for
men for men, the reality is they wanna
feel
that they are respected. And when their wife
comes and does something simple
and makes them a plate or gives them
a sandwich in public,
that they just even though it's such a
small act,
a man feels so good because his wife
respected him right then. So imagine doing the
opposite. Imagine disrespecting him at that moment.
And it's very hard to come back
from
a disrespect public disrespect
for a man and for a woman too.
And for a woman as well, you know,
just to, to be valued in front of
the the family, to be valued in front
of the friends, and to feel like, okay,
you know, my husband is honoring me.
That is that's so critical. Yes. And to
have
the man being the protector
and and and and,
making sure her emotions are are protected because,
I mean, the prophet
told us that women is created from a
crooked,
rib. And if you try to straighten it,
you'll break it. That crookedness is a strength.
See, and this is something that we hear
the hadi It's curved. It's curved. So Yeah.
Something we're gonna have. No. Yeah. Yeah. I
have an issue with that. Right? Because it's
like if you say crookedness, it's as if,
like, there's a flow. Okay. A curved a
curved drip. Drip. Thank you for correcting that
words. Yeah. So the curved drip. Up if
you if you have a Thank you for
that curve. Always misinterpret it. That's right. That's
right. Crookedness as if, like, oh, there's something
wrong with the person. It's curved. Our ribs
are beautifully
designed,
perfectly designed. That's right. And so it is
in that curve if you straighten the curve
It won't be as strong anymore. Then you're
not gonna be And that's where I was
gonna go. It's like so a woman is
the protector in the home, the protector of
the man's honor, and it's and just like
a rib protects your internal organs, if it
was straight and somebody hit you on it,
it's gonna break. That's right. So that's its
strength. Yeah. And I wish more I I
wish more people,
defined it like that. Yes. I've always heard
it crookedness, And I always felt I think
it comes from there. I I just did
it because the Arabic,
direct translation of that word.
But actually, you're right. It should be it
should be curved. You're right. That is a
more accurate translation. So from now on, we're
gonna say curved rip. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It
comes from a curved rip. Alright.
So then,
the next thing that we we need to
talk about is is safety.
Safety, right? And when we say safety,
initially, of course, we think about physical safety,
which is, I mean, that is that goes
without saying.
And
sadly, many people in our communities
are victim of domestic violence,
and this is, you know, it's already. It
is it's it's not acceptable. And sometimes
sometimes the it's the woman who has the
domestic violence. Sometimes it's the man, and I've
had cases. I've had,
both cases, upon Allah. So
if that is the situation, I really urge
you to seek professional help because,
being pious. Right? Yeah. We need to really
exemplify
that, a loving, compassionate home. So that that
in itself is a is another topic. Important
Sure. That as a disclaimer, you know, everything
we're talking about, we're not talking about
anything that has to do with physical,
abuse in any way
and severe emotional abuse. I wanna be careful
with that because some people, yeah, some people
define
don't talk respectfully to another that could be
deemed as dispute
as abuse. But I'm not
labeling it as abuse.
Abuse is something that is,
you're probably better at defining the emotional aspect
of it. Well, it it can be very
or it's constant belittling,
it's constant gaslighting,
and there is this, you know, you're always
wrong, and I'm never wrong.
And so there there are many aspects to
it. So when we talk about the marriage
skills, it's you there is always a disclaimer
that,
as long as there isn't an abusive relationship
and as as long as a person is
psychologically
healthy because sometimes there are underlying
psychological
issues. Yes. Now as far as emotional safety,
right, there has to be emotional safety.
Mhmm. And that entails,
not overreacting.
Right? Because if someone constantly overreacts,
it's like if someone you know, let's just
say the wife says, oh, like,
I, you know, oh, I maybe I overspent
or, oh, I I hit the car or
I did this and then the man explodes.
Then there might be a tendency to what?
Like, hide and not share.
And and then there's secrecy that goes on.
Right?
Then, obviously,
you know, you don't wanna
hide
finance finances. Like, if a woman,
the man is overly restrictive and the woman
wants to spend, she's allowed to take to
be able to if he's too, you know,
Islamic to go. Uh-oh. Where the No. These
are things these are things, you know, that,
I mean That takes a lot of discussion.
Yes. So let yeah. But but I wasn't
gonna open up that can of worms. What
I'm saying is
that could be taken out of,
context and overdone.
And,
what we're talking about is healthy sharing Right.
In relationships. Mhmm.
And when there is a normal healthy relationship
where both
want the best for each other and in
the relationship
Right. And I think
at that point, you know, having the right
tools becomes very effective. Right? Right. Right. Absolutely.
And as long as you're not dismissive
and you're not ridiculing one another,
then the person feels safe to be able
to share. So a lot of times, it,
men will say oh, women will say, oh,
my husband, he doesn't share. He's just quiet.
He's on his phone. He doesn't does that
resonate with anyone? Right?
So,
and then then we kind of like it's
like peeling the layers of the onions.
I wonder why. Why doesn't he share?
And then it has to do with maybe
maybe,
being maybe being ridiculed. Right? Or maybe there's
an overreaction.
Maybe the wife shuts down because the husband
is always dismissive. Because when she comes up
with an issue, he's just saying, this this
doesn't matter, and you don't know what you're
talking about. So we have to create that
emotional safety. And this in itself
is a topic that needs to be developed.
I mean, we can't we we can't spend
5 minutes on it. We're not giving it
justice. Each one of these topics Yes, they're
very deep. Are, you know, in order
Each one of these topics Yes. They're very
deep. Are, you know, in order to have
a a loving,
harmonious relationship,
you have to develop these and you have
to know it,
like, fully That's right. Fully to grasp it.
Okay.
Yes. My hubby, what, is addicted to the
phone. Okay. How many hobbies are there? And
how many wives? I'm sure we're all guilty
of it to some extent. Right?
What are
one
okay. It's a big test to be patient,
ma'am. Like, give us all lots of patience.
Amen.
And normally, the woman puts a lot of
effort. However, men are mostly to blame. They
seem to cause most of the problem. Women
are easy to please.
You know?
Sister.
I mean, I'm sure that that has been
your experience and I don't wanna invalidate
your experience. Right?
And,
from from what I have seen,
it can it can definitely go both ways.
Right? So sometimes,
sometimes men are, like, easier to please because
they're just, you know, maybe they have they're
maybe less demanding as far as what is
provided for them. And then sometimes it's the
woman. So, you know, we have to be
respect that.
So moving right along,
you gotta validate.
Okay? And I just validated you, sister. You
see how that works? Did you see how
good that felt? Because if I said, sister,
you don't know what you're talking about,
then you would feel all defensive.
Oh, yes, I do. But I said,
I'm sure that that is your experience, and
it must be very difficult
to give so much and not get anything
in return, for instance. Right? So And, yes,
sometimes here, this, awakens a small point in
that sometimes we work really hard and we
feel like we're doing a lot. And there's
analogy that, Hada uses,
and she you know, if I tell somebody
I want a swimming pool and they go
out and they start working really hard, but
the tool that they're using
is a spoon.
A spoon.
And they're digging that hole out with a
spoon to make a swimming pool.
Nobody could discredit them from not working hard.
You're working very hard. Mhmm.
If you're not getting the result
by working hard, you might be just using
the wrong tool. And if you have an
excavator
That's right. And, you know, you could be
done so quickly. And that is the issue.
I'm so glad you brought up that analogy.
That was from, like, wow, webinar, like, from
10 years ago. Good good job.
Alright.
So yeah. You know? And many people are
sitting there digging with a spoon and they're
fed up. I worked so hard. I did.
And it's just you just got the wrong
tools, and we wanna give you the right
tools
so that you don't have to work so
hard. You don't have to be exhausted. You
don't have to be fed up with your
marriage. There really it's an easier way. So
validating
is, you know, you,
and it does validate doesn't mean you agree
with the person. Okay? You validate meaning,
hey, it must be very frustrating
that,
that, you know, the your your, let's say,
supervisor got mad at you. Must have been
very hurtful that my mom, like, maybe excluded
you. That that's all you gotta do. Men,
if you write this down.
Capital,
underline,
bold,
highlight,
validate
your spouse. Okay. It works both ways, but
it's like sometimes,
as women, we naturally validate. That's how that's
what we
do on the phone. Oh, no. Are you
kidding me? That's horrible.
Oh, no.
That must have been so embarrassing.
We do it naturally. Right? It's not sometimes
as natural for men. Not there are exceptions.
So Yeah. I you know, sometimes men are
the ones who validate and the women don't.
But
really, really, if you start doing that, a
lot of the problems will go away. That's
the secret. Okay. Validate.
Alright.
Then we have
the the last one
is admit
and
apologize.
Alright?
We all make mistakes.
We all have shortcomings,
and to be adamant that you are never
wrong
is just as childish.
Right? It's childish,
and there's a sign of humility.
Right? We are if we have a mustard
seed of arrogance,
what happens?
Don't end up bad parents. You can't even
smell chandos. Right? So a lot of people
may be humble. They may be humble outside
in the massage it, but then in the
relationship,
there's a lot of ego. Right? The ego
is like, you know, it's like, imagine,
you know, when I just visualize.
Yeah. They have like these balloons
and it like picks up the room,
Right? And the person is smooshed against the
wall.
How many can relate to that? Right?
And it's like sometimes that ego, if it's
so big, you feel smothered. You feel like
so
being humble, we have to start in our
marriage
that I was wrong. I made a mistake.
I'm sorry. You know, sometimes when I,
do the sessions
and the apologies, sometimes it'll take half an
hour for someone to admit because they don't
they don't they've never said it before. Mhmm.
And so
I mean,
here, this is something,
really critical. And I I know that, a
lot of men fall short of being,
you know, not wanting to apologize. But the
vast majority of the men that I've interacted
with
apologize,
just to get out of an argument. I
don't wanna deal with her. So so what
are your, you know, what are your thoughts
on that? Because I think any man watching
there,
that might be an issue. It's like, I
can't even address it. I just apologize because
I don't wanna hear it. So the thing
is that,
it's it's always good to admit,
it's always good to admit if you've made
a mistake.
And if you're doing it, let's say, to
keep peace and you want to keep the
relationship and you do it faisa bila
la. Sarah, is there like a
mosquito? Oh, there's
I was like, okay. There's so many mosquitoes
here.
So,
so okay. That that's very admirable to wanna
keep the piece.
But
if you're just saying, oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I'll like, you know, just forget about it.
Oh, don't bring it up. The reason sometimes
women bring it up over and over and
over again. Why? It's because it was never
resolved.
Right? They didn't get closure. Do I hear
an amen, sisters?
We have to say something where the brothers
do. We gotta balance it out. That's why
I have that. So, basically, what you're saying
is if a woman Mhmm.
Feels validated or heard or is resolved
Right. Then the man would be less likely
having to apologize when he wasn't in the
state when he didn't believe his mistake. So
you you have to resolve it. Right? Because
let's say some,
maybe it's the woman who's making the mistakes.
Right?
And, she just oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. And
it's not really resolved.
You have to resolve the issue, and that's
why it's so critical
to learn the process of conflict resolution.
And,
and just being able
to know how to talk,
how to resolve it so that you know
what? That you're not just, needlessly
apologizing.
You're actually resolving the conflict.
Right? Yes. So it's not just to, like,
shut the person up. Don't apologize to shut
the person up. You have to actually and
you have to know how to resolve conflict
because some people run away from it because,
like, oh my god. This is gonna lead
into, like, a 3 hour discussion. So Right.
So and that's one of the things I
know that, whenever I've had people because being
married to Hada for 30 years,
at the mosque, a lot of people walk
up to me thinking I'm the therapist or
I'm the marriage counselor. How many things here?
But he is the
the thing is that we make this program
together. And so all of the information,
he has embodied it.
He practices
it, and and you have passed it on
to Yeah. Yeah. Actually, SubhanAllah.
Joke about this. SubhanAllah. I mean, so many
of, the the people I interact
with sometimes just sharing, you know, 1 or
2 sessions gave them enough tools Mashallah.
To save their marriage. Their marriage. Their marriage.
Their marriage. They're on brink of divorce.
Yeah. And
and and, really, I mean, these tools, once
you practice them, it's it's like driving. You
don't even think about it. It makes it
easy. It's kinda like instead of crawling,
you're like driving a sports car. Right? We're
gonna give you the sports
sports car of marriage relations. There's a very
sweet,
comment I wanted to post. Love their relationship.
They seem to have so much adoration for
each other and love between them.
Can you quickly go over the 5, please?
I missed
34. Yes. Now who who has it? Who
was taking notes and is aware and paying
attention
and not snoozing?
Right?
No. He's snooze. Oh, we can just do
that? Yeah. Alright. Thank you. So let's go
back so we can,
quickly go over it. So one was to
show respect,
right, to
What? Safety. Safety. I wasn't paying attention. Oh,
you're paying attention. Yeah. You're just adding on.
Okay. That's fine.
Alright. 3 is validate.
Okay. Validate.
1, 1, 2, 3, 4. Why do I
have 4?
We have to have a free Oh, okay.
It's to admit and then to apologize. That's
the 5th one. Admit and apologize. So did
you all get all of that?
Respect,
safety,
validate,
admit, and apologize.
Okay? So very good.
Now as you were saying, every single one
of these needs to be, like, thoroughly discussed
and explained.
And if you feel like you, you know,
you benefited
from this discussion,
we have, we have a excellent program. It's
our baby. It's our baby. We have 4
babies. We have we have Amir, Karim, Leila,
and the 5 pillars. That's so true, you
guys. It's like 10 years,
and,
you know, it it really is. And it's
like when And our kids are going through
the program by the way. Yeah. Yeah. We're
like, if you're getting married, you gotta go
through it. Yeah. You're a fiancee.
And
we're gonna design a special test
just for you.
So that, you know, we can make sure
that Yeah. They they get the tools because
it's like, I I've seen it. Oh, my
god. I see what happens when people don't
have the tools, and it's scary. It's really
scary. Yeah. All the smallest things. Over the
smallest things, divorce comes up. And so,
you know, if this has been beneficial,
this is just like a drop in the
bucket of, like,
what we provide on this. We have an
online program, the 5 pillars of marriage,
and it is, it is very comprehensive
It really is. Within the Islamic framework. So
I remember 10 years ago, it was more
than 10 years. It was about 12 years
ago. My my wife
just she mashaAllah,
her doing through her her research, how I
would, like, talk to
every
power couple not every great power couple, but
every Successful relationship. Relationships.
And, she's From when I was 13. Yeah.
Like, I was just, like, fascinated
by Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of a
lot of physical marriages. So between her personal
research, professional research,
her experience,
incorporating the deen because so much of what
you learn in psychology is actually anti Islamic
and so much,
time so many times you learn
in Islam the rules. So, for example,
the you know, let's go back to the
analogy of driving. You have a speed limit
that says 50 miles per hour.
But when it's snowing, you have to know
how to drive. You can't go 50 because
it says 50. Right.
Okay? So there has to be you have
to learn the tool how to maneuver within
the,
the rules. And I know a lot of
marriages, we see our parents growing up, the
their relationships are built on history. Obligations. Obligations.
Yeah. That was with my parents. I mean,
They were very,
respectful to each other. They fulfilled their duties.
But I I knew I wanted more. I
wanted I wanted my spouse to be my
best friend, and I knew that I had
to learn
the skills to be able to do that.
Because if I just follow if we you
know, a lot of times we imitate our
parents. Right? We imitate and so many times
we see that you end up making the
same mistakes if you're not careful. So we
made a conscious effort
to,
to, you know, to educate ourselves
and and to create that friendship, to create
being a best friend. It's not like it's
not easy, but there are tools. And so
just like we were talking about, you know,
instead of using the spoon, we wanna give
you the excavator. Excavator. Yes. Well, it'll make
it easier for you.
To go back to when we were building
the 5 pillars of marriage. Pause. Okay. Alright.
Can you all still okay. Yeah. Yeah. Alright.
So we're we're actually in the mountains in
Lebanon visiting,
my family right now. So and the Internet
is kinda starting to bounce. I hope that
we're still online and can, Yeah. I think
they can hear. Give us a thumbs up
if you can still
hear us and see us. Okay? Because we
were frozen for a while.
Let's see.
Alright. Alright. So you were saying? Yeah. So
about 10 years ago, when, we started
building the 5 pillars of marriage together,
just like my kids,
my wife was the main person behind
building this beautiful
product. So, Alhamdulillah,
the 3 of our kids are
practicing Muslims who are very good examples.
They are
confident,
successful in many aspects of their life.
And we hear an ameen.
And,
you know, I really credit,
Hal. I mean, she always balanced.
The kids never felt her absence at home.
Whenever she did
her profession, it was her priority. You know?
I encouraged her growth and I always wanted
to be there for her,
professionally
to make sure that, you know, we take
this beautiful message and bring it out to
the world.
So one of the things was
the 5 pillars of marriage is that it
was based
on her experience, her research, and the results.
So,
the the the the the fact of the
matter is,
We're having a lot.
We're having people talk right now.
So, anyhow,
to go back,
in building the 5 pillars of marriage,
we selected the best best methodology
to get the program launched as soon as
possible
launched and to help as many people as
possible. Right. And we took about 3 years
putting it together. Now it didn't take full
3 years because we were doing it part
time and what have you. So,
the the point I was trying to make
before Mhmm. The people kinda I lost my
train of thought there. Right.
Is that the 5 pillars of marriage
really embodies everything
we know
about
how to make a relay relationship
beautiful
no matter what the circumstances. Right. It we've
put in it
so much from how to manage your finances,
how to do
the Let's tell them what the 5 pillars
are. Okay? Let's let's start from there because
the 5 there's a lot of thought and
psychology
put into it. And and,
my my husband is a engineer. He made
it very
systematic.
And, so we we made it, and there's
a lot of psychology in it as well.
So pillar number 1 is self development. Like,
you have to be the best version of
yourself.
Right? Because if you come into a marriage,
if you are depressed, if you are anxious,
if you're insecure,
if
you if you have,
all these issues,
then, you know, your your marriage is going
to be affected. Right? So when you work
by yourself
You fill your cup. You fill your own
cup and then you come in ready to
give. Right? Yeah. So that's pillar 1. And
this is something I I I wanna tell
you. I wanna go back,
in pillar 1. It says that, you know,
we say that you can start fixing your
marriage alone.
It always starts alone. Change always starts alone.
Right.
You have to start changing yourself because that's
the only thing you have control over.
And knowing
what to change so that your spouse reflected,
that is the skill. Right. Right. Right. And
it really,
people get shocked when I say, you know,
you could do this if your husband is
not on board with, let's say, counseling. They're
not on board with doing the program. It's
okay because I've seen it.
Half the people that come to me, they
come alone. You know, the spouse is like,
you know what? You got the problem. You
go fix yourself, and I don't wanna have
anything to do with this. And even when
they come together, there's usually one that's really
putting in the effort. Yeah. Sometimes it's like
that. And and I tell them that and
I I'll share a story with you. Once,
this lady came in, and she was one
of those who had really given her all.
And she came, and she was crying in
the first session.
And she was just like, you know, my
husband is very unreasonable.
He's very moody. You know, I think there
were there's there's certain issues going on there.
And,
by the 3rd session,
she was she was just laughing. She goes,
oh my god. God. I can't believe
that my and I never saw him. She
just, you know, she she went through the
program,
and she was saying how,
I can't believe that by making some small
changes,
the whole relationship changed. Because what happens is
that your spouse starts responding
to you
as you change. Right? It's kinda like a
chemical reaction, my background in chemistry.
That when you take one substance, when you
change it, right, what happens? 1 is combustible,
the other one, there's no reaction. So when
you change yourself,
then your spouse will respond it. Yes.
Tell us about pillar 2. So pillar
2 and, actually, one of you, said that,
earlier that, you know, your,
spouse is your best friend. Yes. So,
friendship.
What does it mean
to have a friendship in a relationship? And
it's actually one of the pillars
of a successful relationship. Right? So is that
annoying? Right. Well, there's been, like, 40 years
of, research on marriage, and they said, how
is it that some people last 10 year
you know,
50 years? How many? And then there are
some that can't even last 2 years. And
they found that it was about having a
friendship.
So having a meaningful friendship
is,
what really makes a marriage last. Thank you
so much. Off you start off by filling
your cup to give to the relationship,
and now we start giving you work on
the friendship,
so that you can come to your problems,
better. And the the analogy I I give
to my, my friends when they ask me,
I say, look, if you're standing in line
and your buddy steps on your foot, hey,
hey, watch it, man. But if your enemy
steps on your foot, you wanna fight with
him. So you need to get that mindset
shift. Right. Your spouse, not your ends. You
need to so that you can solve the
problem. Right. Pillar number 3 is, spirituality.
You have to have a law, and this
is what makes it so unique because so
many of the training I've had, I've had
to put everything I have learned
through an Islamic filter. 30 years ago, when
I went into the profession, I didn't know
one other Muslim therapist.
There's been a huge movement,
many people coming into it. There are many
now institutions
that teach Islamic psychology, but 30 years ago
there, you know, we didn't have that. And
so everything had to be filtered. Now what's
beautiful about this program is that it always
keeps you aligned with your spiritual
goals. Right? That's right. We always look at,
your marriage can be your way to Jannah.
Right? It's like if you can earn your
way to Jannah and so that you find
that so many people when they're at the
end of their rope and I tell them,
okay, I know. I know that, you know,
your your the account the emotional bank account
is in the negative.
Your spouse, like, you know, you're both in
the deficit, and you're not gonna do anything
maybe for their sake, but do it for
Allah's sake. And that that is transformative.
Then we have pillar 4.
So before we get into pillar 4, I
wanna mention about pillar 3 because a lot
of people are gonna say, why don't you
put, you know, your relationship with Allah at
pillar 1 to start off with? I mean
that's Verily every action is by your niyah
and having Allah present in your life that
should be the first thing. Well that's actually
part of
of the development because you have to bring
Allah into your life,
individually
while and that's building yourself. But now when
you're bringing it into your relationship,
you have to have the foundation of
because you're once you get to that stage
Mhmm. You you
it's it's almost like,
you prep yourself internally
so that now you can serve Allah better
and,
you look beyond yourself. You look, something larger
than yourself. Absolutely.
Right. It's such a critical point because if
you don't have that god consciousness,
you're not gonna be fair. You're not going
to do,
you know, it's not just the rights and
responsibility. I find that to be so, like
I mean, we gotta go beyond that. Right?
I mean, it's important. Right? I don't want
you to, like, overlook it, but there's gotta
be so much more than just rights and
responsibility.
And and it makes you give when you
may not feel like giving. Right? That's right.
Alright. And then we have 4th pillar is
conflict resolution, which is the heart of the
program.
This is where
uh-oh,
we've lost
contact. Stay with us. Okay.
Let's see here.
It's,
it
let's see. It
seems here is
a
an Internet issue.
Yeah. Okay. Do you wanna we can turn
on this camera here.
Issue.
I know. We can turn on this camera.
Okay.
Oh, no. We lost our Internet.
No.
That's why I wanted to, like, get more
into the, like,
Can I get back?
Let's see.
Leila, John, can you shut the door, please?
Okay. And for the last part, we don't
wanna make it long. Yeah. Yeah. We just,
you know, sign up, get a a discount.
We didn't get to say that.
Okay. Let's see. Is it still there?
Alright. Alright.
And can y'all hear us or no?
Let's see.
Okay. Alright. No idea. So let's say
Oh, okay. Oh. Gosh.
Thank you for being patient. Thank you for
being patient.
It's been a lot of fun having you
all today join this
webinar. Why is it echoing?
Okay. So, let me move the other camera.
Mhmm. Alright.
Well, we have an echo.
I don't know. Maybe it's not it. Okay.
We alright. What we wanna let you know
is that
because you joined today, you gave up your
precious time. We really appreciate it. And So
let me, so the 5 pillars of marriage,
we we talked about conflict resolution. And then,
with a conflict resolution, we teach all kinds
of,
concepts
from, how to handle marriage, parenting,
in laws,
infidelity.
Financial
issues. Issues. And each one has a long
series of how to handle it in the
best way. Right. And
comes from a lot of experience and,
a lot,
really,
of,
of practical tools that provide solutions.
Practical tools. And then even, you know, when
people have different levels of spirituality, how to
do deal with that. That's nice. Even multiple,
marriages,
you know, or so anyhow,
and then the last one, which is the
most exciting one is how to make passion
and love last. Last. And intimacy called intimacy,
and it's not the, like, the how to.
It is more about how do you develop
a, Ongoing
Ongoing,
attraction.
Yeah. Right? And what makes the person attractive?
And it's not what you would it's not
what you would assume.
Lots of lots of unexpected
ways of keeping that relationship alive. Yes. That's
true. That's true. So, the the fact of
the matter
is we put our heart and souls into
this, and I hope,
the Internet issues because we're in the mountains
of Lebanon on a cell phone connection,
and, this doesn't reflect
the
program itself. Alhamdulillah. That's very thorough, and we've
put our heart and souls into getting to
it. And, you know, if you found this
beneficial, you'll definitely
because, like, we go in-depth in each of
it.
But, it's something that we designed together, but
I
Okay.
Wow. You guys are great. You really are.
Thanks for staying on staying and being patient
with us. You know, the only thing we
wanna say is that since you joined today
and you gave your precious time, we wanna
give you a gift, a discount
of a $100
on the marriage program, the 5 pillars of
marriage.
So this is the link here. Yeah. And
there's no risk for you guys. We don't
want your money if you're not gonna benefit.
Right. It's 0 risk on your part. If
you, register
and, you know, you have 30 days, you
no questions asked. After after 30 days, we
only ask of you to show us that
you've done the work. If you haven't felt
value
Yeah. You know, we'll give you your money
back.
Really not is really to just to to
help save marriages because, you know, what the
shaytan
values the most, what he gets most proud
of is breaking up, marriages and homes.
And so we find it very encouraging
to help save a marriage because it's so
heavy on on your scale of good deeds.
It's it's heavy on our scales, and it
would be heavy on your skills if you're
able to do it. Even if you're on
your own, go through it. Give it one
last try.
One day, you're gonna stand in the court
of Allah, and you can say, hey. I
I tried. I tried my absolute best, and
I gave it one last shot. But I
pray that,
you all benefited. You should see the reviews
on there.
So many people. I mean, I mean,
doctor w, he left a message if you
wanna share what he said. Yeah.
I mean, so many. One of, one of
my clients was just,
at first, he was very skeptical. He's like,
you know, they were very much on a
brink of divorce, and it was a very,
difficult,
scenario.
And,
when he went through it, he's like, my
gosh. Every single Muslim
should go through this. And he really encouraged
the man. He's like, you guys, don't think
that this is, this is gonna be a
waste of time. And and some people start
binge watching it because, like, my gosh. I
watch this,
and anything I apply,
it I see results. So,
the the the reviews talk for themselves. The
the results speak for themselves.
Omar and Soleiman endorsed it. His family, went
through it.
So, let us know if you have any
questions.
Can you please reiterate quickly the 5 pillars
of marriage? Sure. So we have the first
pillar is self development, working on yourself. 2nd
is friendship.
3rd is
spirituality.
4th is conflict resolution, and then 5th
is,
physical intimacy.
And within conflict resolution is knowing how to
communicate. There's a lot of different parts. It's
a it's a very heavy,
part of the program. So you learn,
you learn how to identify, how to love
one another so the other person understands it.
We all heard of the languages of love,
but, you know, we talk about it, but
how to practically bring it into your life.
There's so many different things that, you know,
you hear as good advice. Like, for example,
you need to exercise and eat right to
get healthy. Mhmm. Well, very good. But, I
mean, this is a program that if you
follow, you're gonna get the body you want,
metaphorical body that you want, which is the
body of your marriage. Right?
And,
but, you know,
I remember, you know, part of our program,
we do teach maturity, and I remember one
of the first acts of maturity that I
had,
and this is very common amongst,
married couples. Mhmm. They have different ways that
they do things. And I remember that, there
was
the toothpaste issue when we first got married.
Right? And, you know,
she has
so many incredible qualities, but I got obsessed
with the fact that the way she uses
her toothpaste I just squeeze it from the
middle. Yeah. She squeeze it from the middle,
and and and that would bug me. And
I could tell her, you know,
Habiti,
please
squeeze it from the bottom. And I didn't
see what the point was. Right?
I
didn't think about it. Right? And and apparently,
I mean, it's pretty common issue amongst a
lot of couples. I didn't realize until I
shared the story one day. You know? And
Right. And,
I remember the first act of maturity I
had is I was I stood there in
the bathroom
just starting to feel that anger
fester. Mhmm. And I took a moment, and
I took a deep breath and I imagined,
may Allah give you a long healthy life.
Oh, no. I imagine that, you know, we
take her
we've taken her to the,
she had passed away, and I had just
come back from the burial, and I would
find that toothpaste with her,
with her thumbprint in it. And I thought
to myself, if I saw her thumbprint, I
would hold it to your toothpaste and kiss
it because I would miss her so much.
So why do I have to wait
for tragedy to strike
to appreciate the differences? And something that I
want everybody to walk away with if you
don't, you know,
walk away from anything, from me at least,
is come to your relationship
knowing that true love
is loving a person
despite the flaws
because,
because everybody loves perfection, and only perfection is
for Allah Ta'ala. But when you can love
a person
with their flaws and enjoy what makes them
quirky, what makes them different,
That is real love. And, you know,
we've taught,
in the program
how to to to manifest that in our
lives. And Absolutely. And, you know, we live
it every day. I mean, just getting ready
for this program, we have to exercise a
few tools. Right.
So That's right. And and and it works.
It works.
It does. It does. And it's not like,
you know, there are no conflicts. There are
no obstacles. That your life is always,
testing us in many different ways.
And so,
the thing is is just knowing how
to resolve those conflict is critical because sometimes
people, the smallest things happen, and they and
it just gets escalated.
You know, people will come to me, and
it's like, all of a sudden, they're talking
about divorce, and it was just about, like,
not going to a party or, oh, like,
you left the lights on or something very
trivial.
And then you see that people who have
the skills, they can be tested with the
most difficult
trials,
and and and they're able to, you know,
resolve it and and maintain respect
and and keep that closeness with Allah. So
I pray that if, you know, if you
wanna make a difference
in your life, in your relationship, in your
children's lives, so,
and if you have a friend that is
always complaining, maybe about their marriage, maybe just,
you know, send them send them the link.
There is a,
so I I I yeah. You can send
them a link. So I wanna make a
point here that, you know, there's 2 aspects
to,
resolving your marriage.
The one is the educational part and 1
and the second is intervention.
Sometimes you need that third party intervention. Right.
Right? So,
as part of the program,
when you come in,
sister,
Hala, my wife, Hala, she's,
has trained
a a marriage counselor,
a faith based marriage counselor who you can
book a 15, 20 minute, discovery session. See
if you need that intervention with her,
and see if it were if, she works
well with you. Mhmm. My wife, she's booked
out because, you know, it's just there there
are not enough hours in the day. If
you wanna wait to work with her, it
might take a couple of months.
However, you know, we're trying to get more
people trained on her methodology.
And,
just a feedback,
I think you're,
we're talking about holding
another,
webinar with her so you can actually she
can tell you the success she's seen by
just bringing
the Banani method into it. Lie. And, the
reality is the marriage program works on its
own. Okay? Mhmm. If you are able
to,
deal with your own intervention, we we teach
you how to do it. Right. You know?
And so I like I said, half the
half the people there's so many there are
100 or 1000 have gone through the program
Yeah. Without even doing counseling with me. And
and what they learned from the program,
they were able to save their marriage.
I landed in Dubai with my wife, and
this person walks up to us and say,
oh, you saved our marriage in the airport.
Blah blah blah. We get that all the
time, like in South Africa, Africa, different places.
It's it's a blessing. And, really, we we
just we feel that this is something that,
it could be a benefit, and it could
help save you, your and your children. You
know? And I wanna end on this because
I feel like,
you know,
so many people worry about their children. Right?
Mhmm. They will say, okay. It's okay. I
don't oh, I'm not happy. We're miserable. No
problem.
But raising children in a miserable home, raising
them in a dysfunctional home
will create psychological problems in your kid. It's
not a matter of, like, will will it
happen.
So if the best thing you can give
your kids is a happy marriage, the best
thing you can provide
is,
working on it. Even if it was horrible,
I've seen so many people, they had a
horrible relationship,
then they fix it, and that can be
the biggest example for,
for the children. Actually, we had, we had
a couple that, I I knew when he
called me up. He's like, it's over. She
filed a divorce, and,
I'm done, and,
I don't know what to do. And he
actually,
was somebody I just knew casually, and, I
I decided I'm gonna go ahead and help
him. I I talked to him a couple
of times on the phone, and then he
came over. My wife talked to him. And
just by changing himself,
he turned his relationship around. Exactly. After the
the After it was filed. A lot of
my clients, they've they have filed. They come
in with theirs. They have been served,
and they're able to save it. So it's,
you know, it's,
I, you know, I just wanna tell you,
if you feel like there is an ounce
of hope,
try it, give it that tell yourself I'm
gonna do this one last try with an
open heart, open mind, and see what comes
out of it.
And and Allah is the one who gives
the barakah.
So shayden. Barakat, and if you have any
questions, those of you who stayed on, we're
happy to answer your questions. Absolutely. I mean,
you've been very patient with the Internet for
sure. Very patient. So whatever you guys want,
we're here for you,
for, you know, the next 10, 15 minutes.
Whatever questions you have, we'd be happy to
answer. And then if you could also, like,
jot down, what is it that you're walking
away with? What is it that you felt
like was, has been beneficial
in this, in this talk? What did you
learn?
And, it would be great.
Alright. Let's
see. For such an insightful and valuable presentation.
May Allah bless you and your family with
immense rewards on.
That's so sweet. I appreciate it.
What an insightful webinar
from South Africa. We love we love it
in South Africa. Thank you for joining us.
Any,
any questions?
It's like, oh, that's so sweet. I think
that was your story.
Well, thank you so much for,
for your feedback. Let me go ahead.
If any questions?
And then as far as the, 5 pillars
of marriage, like my husband said, you know,
there is no risk. You get it. There's,
you could do a payment plan. You could
get it. But if you sign up, you
will be able to get a $100 off.
And that way,
you can, you know, try it out and
see for yourself.
We've had people who've taken
it even after they've,
gotten,
separated and they,
come back together. And some people, it doesn't
they realize that, you know, maybe being together
is not the right thing for them, and
they move on. But the skills that they
learn learned, they took into the next relationship.
And then, you know Yeah. You have some
beautiful stories about that. Definitely.
So there are sometimes people come to me
after a divorce. I I didn't get a
chance to work with them. Or there are
times that it's necessary to get a divorce
because it's a dysfunctional or toxic relationship.
And when they go through the program, it's
so important to analyze
what went wrong. It's so important to analyze
what did I contribute. Right? Because it's so
easy. Remember what we said about blaming? Oh,
it's all that person.
But when you understand it, then when you
go to your next relationship,
you go in more informed, and you can
be more more careful with what you do.
Because if you don't analyze it and you
just put all the blame on the other
person, you will make all the same mistakes.
Alright. So let's see. Thank you. And the
information conveyed was invaluable.
I am pretty sure the program will be
awesome
too. And, oh, thank you so much.
I appreciate your feedback. How long does this
deal last? How long did you put it
for? For 10 days. 10 days. Yeah. Okay.
I you know, we've tried to keep it
as, as cost effective as possible. Frankly,
people are selling courses that are 1 fifth
or less of the content for so much
more. Right. And We try to keep it
cost effective. And then there's payment plan if
you need it. And,
And we work with whatever you've got. We
we don't want, you know, somebody to suffer.
We'll work extended payment plan, send us support.
If you really need the,
extended time, we'll be happy to work. However,
the key thing is,
you know,
give it a try.
There is no harm. If you give it
a try, even if you come back after
a few months and say, you know what?
I tried it and it didn't work. I
want my money back. We're not gonna keep
your money. Right. Okay? We want you to
benefit. So what to do if your spouse
doesn't pray regularly? He told me he prays
regularly, but wasn't true, which is it's so,
unfortunate
when people misrepresent themselves
because in marriage, you have to be truthful.
And, and that's something that with prayer
I mean,
get up and touch it. Pray for that
person.
And there's a difference between whether it's there's
laziness or they just don't believe. Right? So
if there's laziness, there's hope. But if they
just say no, like, I don't believe or
I'm not gonna pray, that's a that's a
different story. Let's see.
I I have I just wanna
answer some part to that because,
you know, not praying, I mean, that is
basically the the the the scholars are debating
whether you're Muslim or not. And that's not
a position that anybody wants themselves to be
in. They ignore their spouse. If you don't
have any children with
with the person,
you know,
you should be quite,
direct and
If you have some more children, I would
talk to your local,
your local imam or whoever you trust, your
scholar,
and see what is the best way to
work it out. But it is a, something
that So to for more information on that,
pillar 3, I go in-depth about mismatched
spirituality. Right? So if you're very practicing and
your spouse isn't, there are lots of mistakes
because that can happen. You can become like
a parent, which is a big
mistake, which is a big mistake. So there
are definitely steps that will teach you how
to deal with that. And in the program,
she outlines how you know, if you follow
it, if this person is sincere,
they they can become a Yeah. Absolutely.
This was a gentle reminder that my hubby
was once my best friend, and I miss
my best friend. Oh,
I know. And and so many people
experience that, and and you can
you can get it back, inshallah, even if,
you know, you're the only one working on
it.
Start
seeing what you can change. Start you know,
sometimes you're sitting there and waiting for the
other person to change. But if you make
that effort, you, you know, remember the humility,
the ego,
admit,
apologize.
You take the initiative. Take all the reward.
You know? Yeah. And, you
know, and and race towards forgiveness.
Race.
So,
you can get it back.
Then this was let's see. What's difficult is
to get the spouse to take responsibility.
Your advice, please.
You know, with the responsibility, what I have
found is that if you have
a good person
that, you know, the there's no, like, psychological
issues. And,
when you start
taking initiative and you start giving,
then
generally, it gets reciprocated.
Okay?
So so here's something it and it works
with any relationship.
If you, if you find that your,
you know, your spouse is,
not,
receptive to you and and you need to
take, the initiative,
if you
approach that person, like my wife said, with
humility and love Mhmm. And they are a
good person,
they melt. So I I want you to
imagine this scenario
where I'm the one that's,
feel like I'm
the least contributor to a certain problem. I
think my wife is 99% wrong, and I'm
only 1% wrong. If I take ownership of
my percentage
Mhmm. You know, and I come to my
wife different. If I and I tell her,
look. I I know I did x y
z wrong. If she's a good person, she's
gonna walk away. It's like, man, he he
only did that, and I did everything else.
All of a sudden, you feel you do
that if the provided the person is mentally
healthy. So there's a lot more detail the
in the program, but, I mean, this is
something that
will help you with any relationship.
Absolutely. Ownership of the percentage you own in
the process. I I really have seen people
you know, some,
some people say we started off as as
enemies. Well, they were they were in love,
and then they became enemies, and then they
became best friends again. And,
one one dear friend,
may Allah have mercy on her. She told
me she goes,
after 40 years of marriage, you taught us
to be friends again, and that just that
touched my heart.
So, it's never it's never too late.
Does the course teach how to have conversation?
Many times, I don't know what to talk
about because always ends up with him criticizing
me and making me feel badly. You know
what's really interesting?
The unexpected
benefit of this program is, first of all,
all your relationships improve. It's not just your
marriage because Yeah. It's all of that, like,
especially pillar 4. You learn how to communicate,
how to validate, how to resolve a conflict,
all of them. So it will work with
your kids. It'll work with your in laws.
It'll work with your friends, coworkers.
So, you know, that and that's the feedback
that I that I No. I wanna give,
I wanna give a important
feedback on the program. Mhmm.
Imagine you wanna go to the gym,
and your goal, like,
is to lift x amount of weight or
have a 6 pack or get to this,
dress size. People are like, what are you
talking about? 6 pack. Like, just don't wanna
break
this. Anyway, I think yeah. Alright. But the
my my point is if you want to,
if you put that goal in mind and
you start off in the beginning, and you're
like, oh, I just went to the gym
and nothing changed. Right. Okay?
Right. The the way the program is built
is you have to fill your cup in
the beginning. Yeah. And a lot of what
you need to do is on yourself And
be consistent. And be consistent. And I always
tell,
a lot of the people I work with,
I say, just do a social experiment.
2, 3 months. I mean, you've been married
for, who knows, decades, maybe 8 years, whatever
it is. You've put in some time and
effort. Right? So invest
3 months. 3 months, be your best. Look
your best. Talk your best. Do all of
that. Shower them with attention and love and
compassion and appreciation.
Watch what happens. Yeah. Just watch what happens.
And I'm not saying to do that if
it's a abusive relationship or if it's dysfunctional
by What if somebody says, oh, I've been
doing that, and I don't see any results?
Well, they usually say, I did that. When?
20 years ago.
I'm like, did it work? Yes. So you
responded
well, and I think right? And it's like,
okay. Well, let's you know, it's just like
it's like the example you said about the
weight loss. If when some people and e
iman. Like, some people will say, oh, I
used to have such good iman.
I used to be I'm like, okay. What
were you doing? It's it's not like,
Yeah. It's not like I was meeting a
jus a day, and I was saying, oh,
my goodness, and I was doing my own
stuff.
And there's a list of behaviors. Right? So
if you do those same behavior, your iman
is gonna rise. And in the same way,
if you start doing those behavior that had
made you have a good marriage, guess what?
Your marriage is gonna improve. Yeah. Let's see.
Wow.
Yes. Alright.
So, you guys,
it's been a pleasure. Thank you for your
patience. Thank you for staying on,
and I pray that, it was beneficial. And
I pray that Allah guides you
to take the necessary steps
and,
to because it's amazing. It's amazing what can
transform.
It's it's never necessarily
too late. There are some situations is not
is not the best, but at least you
try it one last time and see see
what happens.
And I'm confident if you give it if
you give it,
your you really commit just like going to
the gym.
Anybody job. He used to be a pain
lifter. So Yeah. I need to head to
the gym again.
But the the the point is, just like
you see results,
if you do the exercises, if you eat
right You get the results. You get the
results.
But knowing
how frequently you need to lift, how or
what to eat, these are actual,
it's very important to help you accelerate
to get the results you want. What if
you find your husband is not
practical Muslim practicing maybe? And he presented himself
before marriage, and it keeps irritating you all
the time and affects
your respect for him, like, not prioritizing.
That that is a tough one. And, again,
in that,
you know, the mismatch spirituality
will come in very handy in, like, how
to deal with that.
And,
obviously,
it's, it's disappointing
when someone misrepresents themself. But you would also
have to zoom out and see the bigger
picture and say, there must have been some
Hikma in you
being married to this person.
And What is that, Hikma? It's a risk.
Let me let me, give you a little
twist on this. If somebody married a rich
businessman
and then that businessman lost his business,
and now he's depressed, and he's not able
to do the same work and not able
to get his business there. You need to
be a supportive
spouse. Now I don't there's lots of details.
I don't wanna give you advice and and,
you know, you probably are.
But my point is,
just like the risk was written,
you know, sometimes
this is what is your test? Look at
what you need to learn. Look at how,
are you trying to, give dawah to him.
And and then, you know, in the program,
Hada goes through how to deal with the
mismatch spirituality,
how to bring And that is a big
issue, a month. And a lot of times,
it is the, it might start off as
the man being more religious, but then the
woman becomes more religious
or they you know? And and that can
create a lot of themselves. They,
they're basically Friday Muslims, and they pray 5
times a day, but they don't do anything
else. And, you know me see.
Let's see this okay. Before marriage, I made
a lot of dua for a pious spouse.
I don't understand why I got a non
pious spouse. You know? I that that is
hard, and it is painful
when you pray for something and it doesn't
work out, but, you know, just like anything
else. Right? Someone might say, oh, you know,
I I I prayed to be healthy. Why
did I get this illness? I prayed for
risk, and why did I go bankrupt? You
know?
Everything is there's wisdom and hikmah.
You know? And I I can't end this
without
making for our brothers and sisters in Gaza.
You know?
Look at what look at what they're going
through. Look. They're they're losing limbs. They are
losing their lives. They're losing their homes. They're
they're being tortured in so many different ways,
and may Allah relieve them. May Allah bring
may bring tranquility to them and end
end this oppression.
And, you know, they they might say, we
we prayed. Well, I mean, they're so much
better than us in so many ways.
And,
they're being tested. Right? So we're all being
tested in our ways. Sometimes it's an annoying
spouse. Sometimes it's it's a spouse or children
who may not listen. So we just have
to really
embrace our test. We have to embrace our
test. To do our best. So so, you
know, just like you go out and and
you try to find your the best job,
or start a a business,
whether or not you are successful in that
is written for you, but you have to
do what is necessary. You have to tie
the camel. So sometimes
and, you know, you pray for something, but
then you don't tie your camel when you're
selecting the spouse. You don't actually do enough
research on the person. You don't,
you know or you're put in a situation
where you can't. You know, the it's semi
arranged and culturally.
She, like Yeah. She made the but you
just have to recognize that you were tested.
We are tested and see this as a
test and see if by changing yourself, maybe
you could impact it. Thank you so much
everyone for
for staying on and,
for all your beautiful words, and we're we're
so happy that we're able to share. This
is the first time ever we've done a
webinar
marriage webinar together. So you are you're the
first to witness this.
If you have friends and family that you
feel would benefit as well, this would make
an excellent gift, excellent wedding gift.
And, also,
or you could just share the link with
them. Thank you so much, and
we, we enjoyed it. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Oh,
fun. And when I'm with you, I'm enjoying
it.
Take good care, and salaam alaikum.
Bye.
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