Haleh Banani – 4 Ways To Attract Your Spouse

			If you think that attracting your spouse only has to do with being more fit or more buff, you're
only 25%. Right? So that means if you would take a test and you got to 25%, you would fail the test.
So I'm going to share with you the four aspects, the four things that you need to know, to win over
your spouse. Salaam aleikum. So what is the first thing first, you have the physical attraction that
we all know about, right? There has to be some level of attraction. And many people stopped caring,
you know, the first few years, they may be very careful about how they're looking at home, how
they're presenting themselves, and then little by little people stop caring that attraction is
		

			important. And we need to continuously work on ourself to be the very best version of ourself. And
there are four ways. So the physical aspect, when you take care of yourself, when you're at your
best, what's going to happen is that you feel better, you have higher self esteem. And when you feel
good about yourself, you're going to have more to offer. And that attraction is important, but it's
only 25% of it the second or so we have the physical, then it's the intellectual, there needs to be
a stimulating conversation, you have to have things in common, you have to have ways that you can
connect with one another, I have many clients that complain that they really cannot connect with
		

			their spouse, it may be that they're in a particular field and their spouse shows no interest,
there's not even an asking not even an attempt to understand where their spouse is coming from what
they're interested in what they're doing. So it's so important to find some common interests. And if
you don't naturally have it, you may be in very different walks of life, you may be doing very
different things. One is, you know, maybe as a physician, the other is a teacher, and you may not
have the similar interest, but you can show that interest, you can learn more about it. And when you
have that intellectual connection, that will strengthen your relationship. Third, is emotional,
		

			there has to be an emotional attraction. And the emotional attraction is how do you make your spouse
feel right when they're with you. So many clients will complain about the fact that they will
complain that, you know, my spouse doesn't spend much time with me. They're always either at work,
they're either on their phone, they're with their friends or at the mosque. And I asked them, How do
you make them feel when they are with you? So when they are sitting with you, when you are finally
going out together? What do you talk about? How do you make them feel? Do you make them feel
appreciated? Do you make them feel like you're interested in them? And it's how you make a person
		

			feel that will make them be attracted to you. So that attraction is so on so many different levels?
So tell me, what do you feel is the best way that what you can do? What can you do to be more
attractive now? Now, the fourth is the spiritual connection, right? We are naturally connected with
people that have the same beliefs and values, right? So if you feel like you're working towards a
common cause, you are working towards Genda together you are trying to the to raise your kids or be
the best version of yourself when you have that. That is a form a strong form of connection. So most
of the people will think that it's just the physical attraction, right? So we said it's physical, it
		

			is the intellectual, it is the emotional and then it is actually the spiritual as well. So let's see
how can we apply this in our relationships and I have seen people transform their lives. I've been
working with couples for the past 24 years and work with 1000s of people at very different stages of
their lives. It could be they were doing premarital, and they wanted to know how to have a good
relationship there could be coming in the first few years or it could be on a brink of divorce when
they have given up all hope. And I can tell you that when they start addressing these things when a
person starts being the best version of themselves when they feel like you know what, it's not just
		

			about pointing the finger a lot of times people just point the finger is like you know, my spouse he
just he just needs to change she's the problem she needs to change. But when you take responsibility
and you say you know what, I want to be my best and how can I be my best if you need to get out
there and be more active if you need to eat right you are doing that for yourself. Don't have you
know don't be resentful about it. Don't be resentful and think that like oh, I got to do this for my
head do it. First and foremost. First do it for Allah sake. Because your body is an Amana you take
care of your body. Then you are saying thank you to Allah you're saying and hamdulillah thank you
		

			for this amazing body you've given me I'm going to take care of it. I'm going to be at my best and
when you're at your best when you feel you're going to feel great about yourself. You're going to
want to spend time with your spouse because you are feeling good then
		

			The intellectual never stop learning, right? Because there's some people will tell me Well, I run
out of things to say with my spouse. And that I would pretty much guess is that maybe you're not
reading, maybe you're not taking new classes, maybe you're not exploring new things. As you explore
as you learn as you take classes, you're going to have things to share with your spouse. So never
ever stop learning, and feed your mind. And when you have, you have all this information you're
learning and experiencing, and you share it with your spouse, they're going to find you so
interesting, you're not going to just sit there and like, have nothing to share, have something
		

			interesting to share all the time and emotionally ask yourself, How do I make my spouse feel? Do I
make them feel appreciated? Why do I make them feel like they are valued? Am I giving them the love
and the attention that they need, because if you're not doing that, if when they are like spending
time with you, they are just basically feeling criticized, if you're being if you're criticizing
your spouse, if you're always saying how they're not doing things, then obviously, they're not going
to want to spend time with you, and they're not going to be very attracted to you. Because we are
attracted to people who make us feel good, right. So if you know, if you learn how to light up your
		

			spouse's life, right, you know how to give them a compliment and be genuine, right? Say something
that makes them feel happy, say something that makes them feel like wow, they really, they
appreciate who I am, when you do that, then your spouse is not going to be able to get enough of
you, that doesn't matter how many decades you've been together, right? You can find people who've
been married for decades, sometimes 4050 years, and they still, they still enjoy their spouse more
than any other person because that other person knows how to light them up. So if you learn how to
light up your spouse, right, make them just appreciated and point out their good qualities, then
		

			that is going to be a way that they're going to be attracted to you. And then spiritually, make sure
that you have the common interest, you have the beliefs, the values, and when you connect on a
spiritual level. Now, whether that is you decide to pray together, whether it's going to the mosque,
or whether you're doing acts of charity, whatever it is that you do together as a couple, and it's
strengthening your spiritual connection, then you're going to be so much more attracted. The problem
is when people start living as roommates, they're disconnected. They're not really they're not
connecting on all these different levels. So if you make an attempt to connect on a physical level,
		

			on an emotional level, on a intellectual level, and spiritually, then you are going to have that,
you know, you're going to reignite that fire. So Tommy, if you have any questions, what first of
all, are you going to walk away with in this talk? What are you going to apply? So maybe, maybe some
of you have been very careful about, you know, the spiritual connection, maybe always prayed
together. And maybe there's an intellectual connection, but you haven't really cared about how
you're making your spouse feel, right? A lot of people overlook that. So what are you walking away
with? What are you committed to doing and bringing into your relationship, because it's so easy to
		

			point the finger at your spouse and say, you know, what you need to change, it's them. It's her,
it's him. But I want you to take the responsibility. This is what I teach on the five pillars of
marriage, our marriage program, which is all about the first and foremost, you got to take
responsibility of yourself, you come in and you feel good about yourself, and you're ready to come
into the relationship ready to give and then your spouse will not be able to get enough of you
inshallah. So what are you walking away with. And if you need some free resources that we have, if
you go to holla banani.com, under courses, then what you can do is get some free video training,
		

			there is the free PDF, I want to help you I want to help you have a better relationship before you
throw in the towel before you call it quits. I encourage you, I encourage you to take some efforts
to develop these four ways of attracting your spouse and it will be wonderful. It's nice to have you
all to join in. I know that it's it's a tough time right now. So many people are on a brink of
divorce people who've had good relationships, people have been married sometimes for decades.
They're really, really struggling right now. And it might be that you've just lost sight. You've
lost sight of taking care of yourself of taking responsibility of what you contribute to the
		

			relationship. So let's make a new commitment. Let's make a commitment that we're going to put the
focus on ourselves, okay. We're going to make the effort to do our best and to win our spots over
and do it without that, you know, don't don't keep score, don't keep track and be like okay, well I
did this and you know he did this
		

			See any appreciate it and he didn't do it back for me, I want you to give wholeheartedly for the
sake of Allah, you know the motto I like to live by, and I like to teach my clients and I've been
doing this for, like I said 24 years with 1000s of people around the world, the same methodology of
live and love with a higher purpose. And that higher purpose is pleasing Allah, when you do things
to please Allah, and you give to your spouse, whether it's complements, whether it's love, whether
it's you, you know, you just giving your spouse a morsel of food with your head that that's it's
charity, right? So when you make it all about pleasing Allah, then you're going to be more
		

			motivated. It's not about them. It's not what they're doing. It's not how they reciprocate. But it's
about, you know, is Allah, please with me, and I'm going to do it for Allah sake. Right? Some people
can just be surface level practicing. And then some are very, very adamant about their practices. If
you try to focus on what you have in common, that is a very important principle to always remember,
what do we have in common? What do we focus on instead of, you know, I think within our communities,
we focus a lot on the differences, whatever it is, it could be different cultures, it could be
different, different *, but try to focus on what is it that we have in common, and focus on that.
		

			So that will, that will definitely help. And, you know, that's why it's so important when you're
choosing that spouse to find someone if that is really important to you, right. And I see, there are
some people that their culture is very important, their language is very important. And then they
marry someone outside of their culture. And then they struggle with it throughout their life. So if
something is very, very important to you, that you feel like you know what, I can't live without
this thing, make your choice. Be very careful about your choices. Don't put yourself in a situation
where you're constantly going to be bothered by something. All right? How do we find things in
		

			common? Well, you can ask, right? It's really important. It's the when you are trying to find the
right spouse, what you ask how you how you see him in different environments, right? So if you're
able to go with whether it's with family with a group of friends, I'm not saying to do like one on
one time together, but if you're able to see him in different circumstances, and you see how they
handle different things in their life, how do they deal with disappointment? How do they deal with
let's say, the waiter getting their order wrong? How do they treat other people and ask those
critical questions, find out what they what they value, right, many clients will tell me that they
		

			had no idea what what their spouse valued and like, it's basically Are you from the right country,
right? It's like, okay, you're from I don't know, you're from Pakistan, and you're a doctor. Great.
We're gonna make a great couple. Right? It's, it takes a lot more than that. Yeah. You're you're
also Moroccan and, and you know, you you know, the family. It takes a lot more than that. It's not
just about being from the same country. But sometimes people are from the same family and they can't
get along, right. So find out about the person find out what is it that they value in life? What did
they see like in 510 years from now? Where do they see their lives? Right? So that is what's
		

			important. Take the time to ask those important questions. And if you need some free resources, go
to holla banani.com. Under courses, we have to to help you. So it's like a love affair for tuning in
and I pray that Allah instills that beautiful attraction on all levels in our marriages, salaam
alaikum.