Haifaa Younis – First you need to know yourself before taking steps to get married
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I think it's definitely one that has been
it's come quite a few times by this
crowd.
Sometimes culture has a big expectation of the
wife, the daughter, and the daughter-in-law.
And naturally, this can impact you mentally.
Is there any tips on avoiding the stress
and the anger?
As a human, sometimes stress and anxiety takes
a toll. So if there's anything that can
help us to overcome this, especially
when some of the males around me can
be unhelpful and they don't understand the expectations
of the world.
This is extremely important cost to me.
And I see it more
in the Indo Pak than in the Arab.
To suit an extent, it is more.
The expectation of the woman, the superwoman.
And Then you are expected to serve 1
and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5.
And I don't want I'm not gonna give
you answer, but take care of.
Right? And then they put expectation,
and worse, you put expectation.
Because sometimes we put we raise the bar
for ourselves. I'm gonna be a superwoman. There's
no superwoman. There's no
In general,
you need to know who you are before
you get married.
If you cannot live within laws,
make it clear from day 1.
And there is not a harm on that.
I just can't
because I'm not gonna be pleasing Allah if
I'm gonna do it.
If I'm gonna be dealing with my needles,
and I know I suck, I'm not blaming
them anymore.
I know I suck. I can't do it.
Then make it clear from day 1.
Number 2, when you get married,
you need to learn the following.
You're not the same person as you were
single.
And the same thing, demand.
But you
because, again, Allah fashioned you, especially when you
become a mother,
Be what Allah wants from me. I'm not
gonna say culture of the society
or even me what it wants from me.
I'm gonna put it always under Allah's umbrella.
When he made me a mother, this is
my way to do now.
So it's not the culture. It's not that
community.
It is I need to take care of
these children because this is my way to
get them. And, again, not the result. What
did I do?
So what you need to do is you
need to know who you are before you
get married.
Number 2, you got married.
Now you need to know not everything you
want is gonna
press a button and everything happens.
No.
Now you are
living with another person.
You could have different
manners,
different hobbies,
different things. And in general, and all the
managed people in this world, I believe, many
think completely different than you are. Yes. Yes
or no? Yes.
I call it the y chromosome. You know
the y chromosome?
Everybody?
Okay.
The y chromosome is gonna be different than
the x chromosome.
I didn't say better, and I didn't say
worse.
Or do we love, or it's different.
You say something,
you mean something, the man takes it completely
different.
Not because he doesn't understand, but this is
how they think.
So when you are with a man,
don't see this better.
It is just we are different. Learn to
know the differences,
and this comes with time also.
When you get married, the the most difficulty
in marriage is?
That's right. There's 2
phases
of difficulty in marriage.
Because the first year, we're discovering the real
man you got mad at, not the man
you love you fell in love with.
The real woman. And he's discovering
the real woman, not the one he fell
in love with.
So the first year is the most challenging
week, and that's why it's the highest
number of divorces in the first year. And
then you know when is the second one?
At the forties. I mean, I think I
wrote it.
It's so amazing. It's the age of Allah,
the waking age in the Quran.
40.
And in the United States, I don't know
what you call it here, but there is
midlife crisis, they call it.
Honestly, midlife crisis,
the highest number of divorces at that age
Many go and buy these,
1,000 of dollars cars, not sports cars, all
with this, and the woman know I knew
whatever,
and it is the highest
age of divorce.
So these are the 2 times.
In
general in general,
again, know who you are,
be quiet patient, and be quiet compromised.
And as we always say, and I'm sure
you say it here too, choose your battles.
You have to have things that is nonnegotiable
for you, and the same thing with your
children.
You're gonna say these are red ones.
This is not gonna happen in my house.
If this is gonna happen,
you're gonna have a complete different discussion. Same
thing you put, and you need to talk
to your spouse about it.
And the same thing he would tell you,
if
he if you're getting married and he told
you, my mom is the most important thing
in my life, then you need to live
with that.
This is not gonna change.
And by the way, and don't get upset
with me, you're all our mothers. He is
right.
Never
ever marry somebody
thinking they will change.
They will not change, because you will not
change. If anybody change,
I don't know how much we change to
the better.
Unless you get connected with a lot, you
will definitely change to the better.