Domestic Abuse Program Remedies from the Quran & Sunnah

Haifaa Younis


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Miss Miller your

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Santa Monica from Florida to smilla Wen hamdu Lillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Ali he or savvy woman Hala Molina my info now on fire now vema islantilla NACA semiology. Withdraw long linear older becoming a mulayam or Kobe nyak Sha one FC latach bahwa Lang SMA or vanilla to superluminova is had a tener will have an amulet on Karama in the council will have rubbish really sundry ways silly Omri watlow, la plata melissani of Coca Cola European Santa Monica de la Rocca to my beautiful friends in South Africa.

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I don't know what time is it I know it's probably the afternoon or the night to beautiful place has a lot of beautiful memories in me, and May Allah reward the organizers May Allah make the Woman's Day successful May Allah subhanho wa Taala prevail justice in this world and everywhere and on his earth and the communities in the homes and may last patata reward this for all the patients we are showing in every step in our life and may have lost Pantanal remove the tests that all humanity is going through Muslims and non Muslims and everywhere in all parts of the world. Alhamdulillah herbrand I mean, this program came with the least preparation. I don't know how many of you know

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that. But it was just very casual discussion. I think it's 10 days ago. And then, actually, it was a question I received and then we were discussing it. And it's like, how about we'll make a program about that. And I was like, okay, Hamdulillah, let's go ahead, and then I didn't think it's gonna be

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that quick. But the hamdulillahi Rabbil aalameen. So the topic we are going to be discussing today is a very sensitive topic. And it's sensitive, it's reality. And it's taboo. Which means it's very uncomfortable for people to talk about it.

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It's common, but still, we don't want to bring it to reality, we want to live as if non existing.

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We try to find justification for it from both sides and families in general. Sometimes May Allah forgive us, we blame it on our religion. And the result is there is I will call us the word victims, there is many victims in here. It's not only the woman, in fact, and I'll show you some statistics very soon, is actually they found the whole family, and specifically the children. And basically, the topic I'm going to be covering today in my last pantalla make me say what pleases Him. Number one and foremost, and most important is the domestic abuse. And I'm going to focus on the Muslim families. And as a problem in Muslim families in general, are there statistics I have is from the

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United States. So you can imagine, I think it will give you a good idea, it could be more in certain places it would meet maybe less than other places. But it can give you an idea that this is something is not

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least to say is not uncommon. It is something definitely common now, and in my research, and I'm going to give you the the resources. At the end, there is actually

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I don't know if it's an institute, but it's definitely it's a sub project and the place it's it's called and I want to give you the right name Exactly. And that's what I got my

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statistics from it and I left it at the end here. It's actually started it's a project. It's called something like happy family project. I will give it to you at the end. And it's actually was started by a woman. And this is started way, early way way way early. She actually passed away my login identity for dos

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2004 she lived in Virginia, peaceful familiale dot.org This is her organization and she got a reward from Aigner from Isner. And she actually also led the delicate for the Muslim woman in the Muslim in a woman world.

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forum that I think it was in 2001 or two. So you will find a lot of statistics. So this is an organization that has focused on that part and started from the late 80s. And it is focused or it has focused on the topic of abuse in the Muslim families in the United States. So number one, what is the word

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when we start and then there is a domestic and there is abuse. So domestic basically it's in a home, it's something if it not outside, it's not International, it's something very close to me, right. So something, usually it is referred to something, if I am using as a nation, I would say domestic meaning in the United States, but if I'm focusing or I'm referring to my home, it is related to my home. So domestic is something happening inside my house. Now the word abuse is what is you use, all right?

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You abuse. So abuse is basically a use and abuse use, I'm using something I have, in general, for something beneficial. So I use the pen, for example, to write, I use, for example, the watch to see the time, then I'm using that thing for the right thing Allah created abuse is when I use something Allah created other than what he created it for. So I use, for example, the pen to write, but writing something hurtful, then I'm abusing the pen or abusing my ability to write. So abuse, domestic abuse, is abusing.

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Using In other words, you can say is using a right, or an ability, or a power that Allah pantalla gave it to someone. And I don't want you to think only a woman being abused because it's both. However, it's much more and when the woman so there is a right, a power ability, Allah gave it to someone. And that ability that power that

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financial ability can be used, or should it be used in the right way, when it's become abuse is when this is being abused in the wrong way. When it's being used in the wrong way. It's called abused. And this can be the abuse inside the home can be emotional,

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verbal, finance, or financial, physical, or sexual.

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So inside the house, inside the home, the dynamics of the family, it actually goes around this, there is emotion involved in with families, you all feel this. Whenever we talk about families, as emotions, always you will love your family, whether that's your parents, that's your siblings, that's your husband, as your children, emotions are involved. So there is this emotions, if it is being used to hurt someone that's abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, Allah gave me the tank to supply Tyler to supply the goodness to teach, to show beautiful feelings that use abuse is verbal, when I use my tongue, basically, to hurt someone to put down someone

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through financial, financial abuse, and this you see whether this is with the children, this is with the husband, this is with the wife, I have the money Allah gave it to me, and I abuse it to manipulate people, I deprive them of their rights, because I have the money, I brought the money. So financial, then we have the physical layer to be basically using my hand using parts of my body to hurt someone whether my hand itself or I'm using something with my hand to hurt someone physically. And then we have the sexual abuse all these all these emotional, verbal, financial, physical and sexual these are all abuse, this is what I want you what what I want you to see if we can share it

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with with with everybody. And this is actually the statistics from the organization I was I was telling you about. So basically, basically, what is the percentage how common This is in the Muslim family and you will be very surprised. One in three women.

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And one in four women This is not Muslim in general facts. Domestic Violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used by someone to establish power and control over another person in a relationship. This is how you define it. Domestic Violence is a pattern. It's not once, not twice, to usually a pattern. It gets worse get better improve worse, and usually the pattern is bad. Get better bad, get better and

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Then gets worse, more worse than the first time, then get better than gets even worse and worse. It's a pattern it's not once. So it's a pattern of abusive behavior used by who, someone Why? To establish power and control to establish power and control. Again, I'm not talking about men only. This is in general, this could be parents with the children, this could be with the older child with the youngest child and husband, with a wife.

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Anyone, so it's basically abusing power to get power and control over another person in a relationship. That's the definition of it. One in three women. And one in four women, I'm sorry, one in three women, one in four men in the United States has been or will be a victim of domestic violence, I hope you're seeing it on the on the screen.

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And 53% of the American Muslims experience some form of domestic violence, which may include again, emotional, verbal, financial, physical, or sexual 53%, more than half of the Muslim families in general will experience some of this. Now remember, it's all so it's verbal, emotional, financial, physical, or sexual of more than half of the Muslim families, children. Now look at this. This is statistics. This is a statement. Children who are in a household where domestic violence is happening, have the same symptoms as children who are abused themselves.

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So two families, one of the families, the children are not abused. But there is abuse between the parents, they will later on show the same symptoms of those children and other family who have themselves been abused, that trauma is real, that trauma is real.

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And domestic violence can cause long term developmental, emotional, and other problems in children. I think this is extremely important for the

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parents to know this, it does not affect them only, it affects the children. And if you're staying she or he staying in a relationship or there is abuse, for the sake of children, you may need to learn this. So children definitely get affected half more than half of the Muslim families goes through domestic abuse, emotional, verbal, financial, physical, or sexual children of those families. They are not abused themselves, but live inside a home where there is domestic abuse, they will have effect similar as if they were abused themselves. So Panama now immigrants, many immigrants, why now we've come to why. And I'm just sharing you with facts. And this is from the

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website that I shared with you in the beginning, why there is many immigrants fear, why they don't seek any help or fear, they will lose their legal status, or go get deported. That gets into huge issues. And it's if they seek help, calling any of these national or local resources that there is a lot in here will not result in loss of the status of the victim. This is for the immigrants why they don't there is a reason why they're the victims of sec of domestic abuse, don't seek help. And I'll say it quickly, but you probably all know number one is shame. I will say number one is for the sake of the children. And this is for my Yanni mice my small experience, I don't run an institute for

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this, but from the counseling I get from I get a lot of questions from woman about this. In fact, after that, the program today I am meeting with someone to discuss this most of the woman stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children. Number two, the reason they stay even if they don't have children is the shame is the shame and the stigma. The community, the family, their own family, and may

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mark them as number three is financial. Where will I go? And this is what it is. He said because when the woman leaves the house to go for a shelter, there's a lot of issues comes out out of the shelter and the hope

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Things will change. I'm saying he will change, she will change. So there is a lot of obstacle, domestic 85%. And this is what I want you to see 85% of the domestic violence victims are woman 85% is 15% of them, that is men, but 85% is, is woman or a woman, right? So Subhanallah Yanni, it's

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it's reality, but it's a painful reality, domestic violence. Now I'm going to share with you this statistics in the American Muslim community. And this is again, this is the organization I told you about, according to the peaceful

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families project. And this is a survey done by Sakina 31% of the American Muslim reported experiencing abuse within an intimate partner relationship. Now this is husband and wife 31%. And 53%, as I shared with you earlier, of the American Muslim, are reported some form of an abuse in a family. So 53% all forms 31% specifically, in the intimate relationship, there is abuse SubhanAllah. Now here we come.

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Most of the woman right out actually, I will say most of the couple, the first resource they go to is an E mom's right. And this is what the statistic shows survey of 63 Muslim leaders showed that 10% of the Muslims experienced physical abuse in their homes. This is a this is an old statistics, if you see, this is the woman I told you about that she passed away in 2004, she started this organization, and this is in 1999. Right? They say 10% of the Muslims experienced physical abuse, Allah knows how much it is now, with all the violence we are seeing in, in, in the world that become norm. So the more we see violence in the movies and the cartoons, then we get more immune we get

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numb to seeing violence and then we start seeing it look at the language. Well now we are we are using not to us, but the younger generation. And I had this discussion in fact, last night with some of the youth and they said just look at the cartoons is the norm all these fun things is all using the the bad language. So you can imagine in 1999, there is 10% of the Muslims experienced physical abuse, I am sure it is much more now. A study of 23 Muslim married female immigrants from this is specifically from that country 10% prevalence rate of spousal abuse from the law and the rules of female study 22 mosques in New York found 96% of the participant perceived a man as a counselor 96%

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SubhanAllah. I was preparing this and that's exactly the phone call I got yesterday. And it was the woman wanted to talk to me, they already went and talk to the email. So the first thing we all go and what is the my alarm rewards all the Imams? Not every one of them is an add myself included. Maybe I learned a little bit in medical school. We are not a counselors where we don't have a training professional training as a counselor, but this is what is available now. So they said 96% of the participants perceived the demand as a counselor and 74% had sought counseling from imams for safety issue. This is 2006 safety issue. She's worried about her life span a lot. So how long now

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another study, look at this in a study of 190 Muslim Muslims and it's almost 200 seeking mental health counseling in Northern Virginia. 41% American Muslims, American Muslims experienced domestic violence in the form of verbal, emotional, physical or sexual 60% of the most experienced verbal or psychological abuse in their lifetime. It's very prevalent Jani the numbers is not small. 60% 60% is almost like two thirds. And this is in general if you combine them all. And you know what we when when someone says I'm being abused, our mind always goes usually to physical, but that's not only it and this is the first question I asked when the woman comes to me and I said what kind and I

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actually specify it these five verbal, physical, emotional financial

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unsexual Subhan Allah May Allah Subhana Allah make things easy.

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Now last thing is here we go the types of abuse. In a survey of nine domestic violence organizations around the United States serving more than 2000 Muslim woman survivor survivors reported 82% is emotional, or verbal 65% financial, I will not spend for you leave and see what who's going to give money to your children. This is This is financial abuse. Or she trusted him and she puts all her money or their joint account, and then he takes it or the other way around. But as I said, 85% of the victims are woman 40 point 49% is spiritual abuse, spiritual abuse, Allah will not be happy with you, you will never go to gender, all these things, and you will we use, and I always said this one,

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we tailored the religion according to what we want. So I take a verse or I take a hadith and I tailor it according to what benefits me I don't look at the whole thing. And I'll come to the some of the verses of the Quran that we need to look at it in the whole in totality, we don't look at it that one word 74% physical abuse panela 74 This is statistics. This is real. 30% is sexual abuse. And a woman shelter residents study of 55 or 57 closed case files from an American Muslim woman shelter revealed that this is in 2007 30% 37% had multiple types of abuse 23% physical abuse and 12% emotional abuse, federal law so I shared this numbers, my beautiful South African

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friends, please forgive me because I don't have statistics from South Africa. But I can imagine if this is what it is, in the United States, my gut feelings tell me it is more in South Africa. So this is this is just me now.

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We are going to base our discussion on what Allah subhanaw taala said to us and through the Quran, or thought I saw at E Salatu. was set up. Right.

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And we started with couple of questions. Does Islam allowed it? Does Islam allowed abuse in general in general? Look at it. spouses, parents and children, children with each other. abuse is a form of injustice. It's a form of injustice, you're using your right in not the right way. That's injustice. You're putting something not in the right place. That's injustice. What is the ruling of injustice in Islam, this is a principle you applied everywhere in your life. It is actually how long it is forbidden. It's like eating pork and a loss of this inhabitant cozzia a body my servant in your home to Wilma NFC. What? To whom,

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to whom Ohara Manuela Allah tala, my servant, Allah saying this, my servants, you and me. I have made injustice how wrong this is Allah use this word. It's illegal. It's unlawful.

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And I made it lossing this and I made injustice harm on myself. Allah is Allah Subhana Allah, is that just an injustice, he made it home on himself, meaning no one, no creation of a law. And I think even animals will be treated with injustice hasha, Allah will not do that. And that's what he's saying. He says, My servant, I made injustice how long a lawful, and I made it unlawful on myself. And I made it lawful between you and then he said, fell at the bottom, do not practice injustice. abuse is an injustice. That's the first thing we have to remember. And we have to learn. When I am abusing my rights in any form or shape. I am committing injustice, I am committing harm. I

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think we all need to put these facts as basics. People want to practice it people don't practice that something they have to answer to our last panel Mourtada. But there is nothing justify nothing justify. And I'm going to come to the idea in the Koran where people use it to justify physical abuse to the woman. But in general as a principle, and I'm going to come in a couple of the ayat of the Quran principle between husband and wife, principle between husband and wife. This is the words of Allah subhanaw taala. This is not my words. This is not an interpretation. This is clear. And look what Allah says you're going to Dina and Allah

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You will attain faith or believer, it's unlawful that you this is also attorney sell the woman, it is unlawful for you to inherit women by compulsion and do not make difficulties for them in order to take back part of what you gave them, unless they commit a clear your morality Sasha. Look at this, this is an order wagashi ruhuna been models, this one,

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live with them in kindness. And this is to their men talking to the woman, Allah talking to the men how to deal with their wives, why should women have been model? Well, I don't love how they are law, she changed. She's not the same woman, I'm married. And if you dislike them, perhaps meaning this can happen. you dislike something and Allah makes in it. In it a great hire Hyejeong. Kathy, you're much good. This is a principal and in relationship between husband and wife.

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abuse is not allowed whether abuse to take back what money you gave them, he will not give also took she gives him the money. That's abuse. You don't like her? You cannot, in not liking someone is not a ground for abuse, actually.

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That's the first principle in marriage, live with them with goodness now. And that's By the way, both sides. But this this is specifically to the woman. Here you go. This is the next area. This is what will work. All right. And ally Neal is putting it in, in the context of divorce. And women have the right over their husbands as regard living expenses, right? similar to those of their husbands over them. It starts by auto it starts the I translate only part of it. But it starts about divorce. What when the woman goes through divorce, What should she do, and then a lot in the second part, and he says they have limits. Like in every model, the woman has the same as the man has, right? in fear

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and goodness, livery God Allah Hinata Raja, this is an abuse this, this, this may be abused. This this this one, Allah says here, and the men have responsibility over them. yada yada yada Raja, so they have, they are above them that salutes translation, they're not better than them. When when the man will have the upper hand when the man fulfilled the right Allah gave him and that is by spending on them, by taking care of them from A to Z, from A to Z, when the husband takes care of finance, takes care of emotional takes care, even when she gets upset. And she may say things, he's the man, he absorbed it. And there's and I'm gonna say this story because it is their same

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I think it's a hobby or righteous man at the time of saying no more, why went to go to say it no more to complain about his wife that his wife is not treating him well. He went to the door of save now and then he heard the wife of Satan at home are saying something to say normal and this and the man said, he went back and he said, say no more. And then he saw him later. This is like the the concept of the story. And he said I came to complain to you about and my wife and then I heard your wife is talking to you. In the same way My wife is talking to me. So you know I'm I responded, and in the meaning of if we will not be taking care of our wives who else would if we cannot absorb

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their anger, who else will this is a normal. So here we go. When I act, see no more as a man, the man acts as a normal absorb the anger, the emotion, gentle he then he has the upper hand. But it's not just the free giving any when we read the verses in the Quran, the man has additional rights and I put it in red here. And this is actually not my words. This is actually for the commentary of this I the words indicate the man has additional right, that when he feels in his role as a protector as an entertainer and as a responsibility of spending.

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If he does everything and the woman is in the house respected, being taken care of and everything including emotional than Yes, the rigidity

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they have

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like let's say something over them. Right now we come to the communist verse that is used by men to justify physical abuse of the woman or vagina. Our moon Allen may say, be more humble Allah who bah bah bah bah bah bah bah

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Pullman and Wiley, this is all sort of saw Tony set beside how to contact happy bottom. The lady Mahaffey of Allah will lead you to half moon and issues on fairy woman, what your hunger free model j will do the moon and I'm going to read for you that transcription I put it in red for a reason because I want people to read it. Men are in charge of woman I mean the Kawashima translation is very hard to translate, and it's not in charge is a woman is someone who is responsible for that person fully meaning not control takes care of all their needs. That's all kurama and Allah said why why the man is responsible for the Lima football Allahu Allahu Allah about what Allah have given

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them the upper hand in physical and ability to go out and work harder. And all the other things will be my alpha amin and while he is true to to requirement that the man has to fulfill, to fulfill and then he will have this as we say,

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privilege will be my un* woman and while he spends completely of the owner on the woman, the woman by Sharia does not have to spend anything for her house she does it that's that's how generosity but reality as an obligation in front of Allah she's not to almost every woman does that. So here you go, then comes to from there well so righteous woman are devoutly obedient, guarding their husbands when they are away. And but those wives who they fear arrogance, advise them, first. forsake them in bed to leave them and then he strike them. That's the word. That's the word. A lot of people Muslims and non Muslims use. It says Allah said,

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Quran. Allah said, strike them, right? Then you go back to the Quran again. And look what Allah here said, and so on.

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So the word is a strike and the Roswell race Auto Center explained it. Now I've come to it when I come to the center. But what did the law said also in sort of, willy nilly millenia? Why won't Minetti be really marketable for the terminal? What you smell Millvina, and those who harm believing men and believing woman, both sides for something other than what they have done.

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So what did she do? She did not cook very well. And then he gets very abusive,

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right? He did not come on time to the house, and then she becomes very abusive, that's hurt. This is for both because Allah he's here. Please read this verse. Allah puts between men and women. When do you really know that those who hurt believing man or believing believing woman for no reason? No reason. And if you look back Allah Allah The Allahu those of you who may be involved in this, if you sit down with couple

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and talk to one of them of domestic abuse, and you really when they are called, and you go down, down, down, down, down, you'll find it. Things are, I mean, I wouldn't say there isn't major there are sometimes majors but there is a lot of it is simple, does not worth it. This is how wrong you either will movement, hurting a believing man or a woman is wrong? terminal Bartana, what is men moving and look what the law says. They have have certainly worn upon themselves as slander and a manifest sin. Don't take it lightly hurting, hurting people don't take it lightly at all. At all. And look at this. And this is the Hadith I wanted you all to know. And this is when the Swati saw

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torsina went for hinge. He went for Hajj only once this is the month of Hajj we're not done yet. Only once and he gave the hotbar they call it hot bottled water or hot water Hydra Tijuana when he went for his Hajj pilgrimage, he did one and he passed away a few months afterward.

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And that's how much he gave the sermon and in that sermon he gave everything that you want you know when you're leaving and traveling, and you want to you're talking to your family and you're gonna remind them of the most important things and this is one of the things he said it's a long Heidi you find it in a hurry it's a long heavy and I

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brought to you only the small things and just the part not the small but the the part related to our topic. Look what he says and he thought or center it that a lot of enemies out.

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here Allah de Allah conscious obey Allah with woman meaning

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When you deal with a woman, why, look what he said,

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Monica, you married them with a covenant of Allah was the tofu, Johanna became Mattila. And you were allowed to have marital relationship with them lawfully by the name of Allah. Because when we write the contract between man and woman as Muslims, we put the name of Allah, when a commodity when what is the right of the husband of the woman, this is non negotiable. This is no different opinion the right of the man on the woman in this one, they will never

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have a relationship outside the marriage with another man. If they did that.

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you have you have the right to strike them. Look at this. That's the only and is not beat them is not beat them called reborn and he he sought out your setup and he explained it Balaban Rayleigh Mowbray, gentle, gentle, gentle way, you strike them, strike them. And another Hadith he described, it's like this you work you know this, you walk, the small stick that we use Muslims used to clean their teeth, and it's usually done from the tree. And he said this, not beat them will fractured their bones and send them to the hospital. In my research one, there was a it's an interview on NPR and you probably can see it and the the, the one they interviewed her is in became a very

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advocate for a woman against domestic abuse because her mother died, died her father basically killed the mother in a rage. And she said I grew up with my father beating my mother beating my mother since I was eight. And then at one point at age 18, she died in one of his anger and rages. So here you go. It's not an open invitation. It's discipline is like when you when you discipline your child, right? What do they tell you? What do they tell us? Right? spank him, but we

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never spank him on the face. Never spank him on his chest, never grab her. Don't hurt him. What do they say? spank him on the back. Why? Because there's a lot of fat. It's, it's it, he feels it or she feels but it's not painful. And that's what he said. And he Salatu a sinner. And in the same thing, the same hagie that when in the hijjah in the field work, he said hi eurocom Hello, come the early war and hire

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the best men among you look at this. The best men among you, is not the richest, not the highest degree. Not the biggest home not the most smart or the most handsome, no, fail cumulatively, what an hydrocone. Actually, this is what he said, address what he saw to center. He said the best of you. among you is the one who is best to his wife. That's my deed and yours. That's our D. The best among you is the best to his wife. And then he said about himself. What an Ohio kuliah

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what an Ohio Cooley and I am the best to to my family. Right? And look at this one. And now I'm talking about physical abuse, physical abuse. When you see the pictures where the woman goes to the police, and then you get all these pictures.

00:38:52--> 00:38:58

Black I fractured bone, Panama and he says I saw the site was set up and Muslim

00:39:00--> 00:39:02

liahona when I when I

00:39:03--> 00:39:50

was still Muslim he had on Arabic O'Malley with me a topo hoonah A topo. Hakuna, there has been more in ministry and you have a hardened Muslim, please read this Howdy. This is my D this is Islam. This is john This is in general this applies to every Muslim with every Muslim and definitely between men and a husband and a wife. a wife and a husband both. Again both but since it is 85% is the statistic says 85%. Is woman Subhan Allah Saraswati salatu salam said I must do is a brother to a Muslim that's why we call them brother and sister. He should neither deceive him nor lie to him. Your Allah were already we prom with he's teaching us or he taught us.

00:39:51--> 00:39:59

The brother of the Muslim should neither deceive him nor lie nor leave him without a system.

00:40:00--> 00:40:21

Everything belonging to a Muslim is inviolable. In vile in y level, meaning it's Haram is not allowed for a Muslim, his honor. His honor, you go out and start talking about the wife or you go out and start talking about the husband on a

00:40:22--> 00:40:36

blood beater, she starts bleeding. Where does this? Who said that? Who allowed this? Why did we reach this? This is what he taught us. And property.

00:40:38--> 00:40:58

A property I'll take everything from him. I will take everything from her. That's not us. This is not our dean. piety is here. And he pointed to his chest. It is enough for a Muslim to commit evil by despising his Muslim brother, or sister. That's heavy should be taught to every couple before they get married.

00:41:01--> 00:41:25

And that includes everybody in the house. It's not my Dean, any This is what I'm trying to say today. In sha Allah Allah made me say it is don't blame his thumb on it. Don't say Stan allowed it. Don't say I am the man and Allah told me to do this. That's not the case. We cannot do that. We cannot do that. So Panama I look at the other one.

00:41:28--> 00:41:35

And this is what I shared with you a bad you have one to one man and MC Oh my servant I made in justice home. And

00:41:36--> 00:42:09

when he put in a digital order in the in the last settlement, and I'm going to finish probably another less than five minutes because I want to take some questions. And I know there will be a lot of questions. But May Allah make it easy for all of us. And notice what is AutoSum in the field? Well, pilgrim in the field, well, pilgrim that he took a pilgrimage he took, he asked them to do a Yeoman, how do you know what day is this? And it was the ninth of out of the out of ninth of the hijjah

00:42:11--> 00:42:12

Allahu wa Sula, who

00:42:14--> 00:42:17

had the Yeoman hat on, this is a sacred day out of

00:42:18--> 00:42:35

everything haha. You know, where are we? And of course they know, but out of the politeness of the Roswell, a saltos. They said, Allah, and His Messenger knows, he said, better than her own sacred city. It's out of

00:42:36--> 00:42:43

a shotgun. How do you know what month is this? And they said, a lot of suitors, a lot of other Shahada. This is a sacred month

00:42:45--> 00:43:10

on the insula, this is why I'm using and putting this in this context for in Allah, how Rama it, Allah made it unlawful. Allah made your wealth, Your Honor, and your blood coahoma to me, kumada Shockley Kumara, Peabody kumada, he made nine and you can read it here with a translation.

00:43:11--> 00:43:59

Right? He said, this is a sacred mine. He added Allah has made your blood, your properties, your blood, your properties, Your Honor, sacred, sacred to one another. Like the sanctity of this day of yours, in this month of yours, in this town of yours, you cannot hit someone and then let her bleed. Her dumb is her arm is a sanctuary. It's It's It's hormone. It's like when you say, Oh my god, this is wrong. What is it better to have a sanctuary? So the blood of the believer, the owner of the believer, and the money of the believer is a sanctuary as NACA

00:44:02--> 00:44:52

and look what he advised us also Look, he said this to a man. This is the advice one of the Aloha if we only know our sooner and we really want to follow it. And we really take our Swati saw to set up as our example. These things might happen. Look what he said. Just add the viewer costs. So how major he said in the column to fipronil forgotten Tabitha v. Howard Allah, illogic Talia had them after jivi family maratac look what he said. He said he wouldn't be rewarded for whatever, whatever you spend for the sake of Allah 50 cents, $1 1000 million, even the morsel the bite of food, you put it in the mouth of your wife. That's an act of charity, because it's acts of witness. You make

00:44:52--> 00:44:59

someone happy. is the same way when the woman cook for her husband. And she says you know what, I don't like this food, but

00:45:00--> 00:45:00

He likes it.

00:45:02--> 00:45:34

That's an act of charity is not charity because he needs it or she needs it. It's a science excellence. The whole idea hung up the bathroom lock and went to the bathroom law. law said this between man and a wife, you are a garment to him and he is a garment to you what is a garment garment is the dress I am wearing. It protects it save it shape, express who I am. This is what all marriage is about. This is what all marriage is about SubhanAllah.

00:45:36--> 00:45:49

And this is the the source I told you, I found a very good statistics about Muslim community in the United States. Last thing, I am going to just quickly cover it because of the time and I want to take in looks there's a lot of commentary here.

00:45:51--> 00:45:56

And I actually researched this also, if the woman is in an abusive

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relationship where the abuse is a pattern again, pattern. It's repeated, physical, sexual, emotional, and specifically, if it is physical, tangible, you see it, or it is verbal, repeated, and you hear it and it's norm. The woman does have a ground for divorce, does have a ground of divorce. Alhamdulilah always. And I will end up with this statement. I always always advice, anyone who come out to me and asked me for help. And I say listen, we are living in this life for a short period of time. And our goal is to please our last panel, we're tired. At the end of the day, when I am in front of him and you are in front of him. No one would come to my veil. No one would help me except

00:46:51--> 00:47:01

to me. And it's not me actually. It's my deeds. Are you inside this marriage, obedient to Allah more than outside the marriage, the new stay?

00:47:03--> 00:47:08

Are you outside this marriage more obedient to Allah then inside the marriage, then you leave.

00:47:10--> 00:47:41

I can be patient, I can handle this without incurring physical and I can do that. And I am looking at my reward from Allah. This is very difficult to easy said but not easy and very hard to practice. But there is woman there's a story I read it myself where a woman lived with and this is in the United States with a very abusive husband but not physically just love to see her upset and she's very clean.

00:47:42--> 00:47:59

And one day he came this story she said that came to the kitchen, put the oil in a pan, made it very hot. Then put the pan under the water and let the whole oil splash over the kitchen for no reason just to get her upset. She went and cleaned it and she looked at him and says no one will take Jenna from me.

00:48:01--> 00:48:51

Meaning I'm going to practice patient and I want to go to gender. Again easy said. So if I am inside a relationship, I can handle it where I can protect myself. I know how to contain my husband's anger and I am more pleasing to Allah inside then you stay but this is easy said and you can never say to a woman unless she said it. However, leaving I am much more pleasing to Allah than staying then absolutely Stan allows it. Islam allows it and remember the statistics about the children because children is usually one of the main issues. May Allah subhanaw taala teach us our D This is how I say May Allah pantalla teach us our Deen number one may Allah subhanaw taala teach us not only our

00:48:51--> 00:49:10

Deen but also teach us how to practice our D properly and the best way your ob me Does akmola Highlands panic along more behind the shadow under the Hagia and stuff we will cover today solo alesina Muhammad Ali, he was harmlessly mentor zero if there is a question, and there's a lot

00:49:12--> 00:49:13

that I can

00:49:14--> 00:49:15

hear, let's see.

00:49:20--> 00:49:36

Okay, if you're someone who abuses emotional or physical or verbal abuse, what is the root cause of this? And how does stop themselves from Okay, that's a very good question. So this person is talking about the abuser.

00:49:37--> 00:49:59

The abuser will come tell you I don't know why I do it. But I do it. Usually usually. And again, I am not a psychiatrist, and I'm not a psychologist, but from what I see around me. And it's really highly recommended that that person go and get counseling, go and get counseling, professional counseling, abuse when it becomes a pattern. It's a disease.

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A lot of people really don't want to do it but they just they just have no control you need help most of the time if there's an anger issue

00:50:09--> 00:50:44

there is an anger issue. So the anger needs to be stresses of life and I cannot show the stresses outside so I show it inside mainly it's usually anger and of course there is the substance abuse may loss pantalla products or substance abuse and everywhere in all the pattern of it but usually there is anger issue, control issue, anger, control issues, substance abuse, all these needs counseling, all these needs counseling is not going to get better by yourself.

00:50:46--> 00:51:19

And I always say this it really surprised me so when we have fever in the house, like I am in the house I had a fever and then I use my usual remedies that I know I take Tylenol or I drink him for example shoe but I get rest and everything and then after five or six days that fever went away okay great. And the next week the fever is back again in the next week the fever is back again. What do we normally do all of us go and seek help? So you know what everything I know I tried it's not working. Why not in when we come to the domestic abuse why not doing the same?

00:51:20--> 00:51:31

So absolutely, we need to learn what inshallah I was able to cover for you is the following it is reality we all have to

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agree and accept painful reality but it's reality we cannot keep living in in a way we're living in a dream. lala land it's not our land it's reality. And there is a lot of other painful realities in the Muslim families face to substance abuse and this is one of them I need to accept it's one of the tests Allah is testing the Muslim community number two I need to find solution I need to find a solution for it and the solution is no is counseling yes you go and talk to the Imam you go to go and talk to the religious people but it is needs professional counseling here prep professional counseling to help you to help you and I'm talking to the abuser to help you to tackle the anger

00:52:26--> 00:52:37

issue substance abuse you go and get it treated with that then you said hello but it is again it is it's not easy, but my last hantera make it easy if you have any question

00:52:41--> 00:52:42

Okay, what

00:52:45--> 00:53:03

what should a woman do the husband verbally abuses everyday and beats up children for petty issues that's very common so Pamela This is very common right daily daily you go with the same way Allah subhanaw taala put it for the man with the woman you don't leave right away

00:53:05--> 00:53:07

leaving is a last resort

00:53:08--> 00:53:09

you talk to him

00:53:10--> 00:53:20

It didn't work you get someone to talk to it didn't work you leave but not divorce you leave separate give a break for both

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ask him to go out and get counsel all these steps one by one one by one and I'm going to say Be patient but not be patient forever because there is a children abuse also. So I will take these young I will look at as I have a problem which it is but I don't solve a problem by leaving right away I run away but I'm going to try to see either one and two and three and four and number one is accept there is a problem don't say it's nothing it's usual everybody does. It's not so number one acknowledge that is a problem you as the woman if you are the victim or if the children are the victim or both. And number two you start finding solutions. You talk to him when he is in a good

00:54:05--> 00:54:30

mood you can talk to his parents you take the the advice of your parents they imagine all these you go and get professional counseling none of this work you separate take a break and see what will happen if none and it's continuous they absolutely you can leave but again I would not say leave immediately but take all the all the precaution

00:54:31--> 00:54:42

out okay. So sister, let's see this one. My husband loves me but he does not look at children studies Salah or any upbringing matters. I'm like putting

00:54:43--> 00:54:59

a fall alone literally. Am I blamed for anything goes wrong. No, you do your best. This is not an abuse. This is neglect. There's a different right or the man I mean you can look at it this way. If you don't work, the man will say we have two jobs.

00:55:00--> 00:55:39

I work outside the house you work inside the house someone will look at that. And if the man and we have to be Phil Yanni and I said this before I started I asked Allah subhanaw taala to make me speak fairness, in not speaking with emotions, we have to be very fair and we have to be objective. So if the man works all day outside and he is the one who is the breadwinner, and he spent on his children and his wife and everything is fine, you know what you take care of that. You are the one I wouldn't say you are the only one responsible but you will say Allah pantalla did not burden me with working outside to getting the money, everything I am going to take care of my children. I am going to make

00:55:39--> 00:55:48

sure they pray and everything where the problem comes in when there is a conflict. You want them to pray he said they don't have to pray that's a different issue.

00:55:49--> 00:55:59

But in general Gani as women we also have to be just what assigned comes in also as a woman, Kenny, this 5050

00:56:00--> 00:56:01


00:56:02--> 00:56:23

it's fair but but but this is not how it's done is I want more reward from Allah I'm gonna take care of my children as long as he's taking care of everything else. Right? He can take care of everything else and I can take care of the children so you don't look at it my beautiful sisters as it is it's such a company

00:56:24--> 00:56:38

and don't do that do the last panel dad did with the generous look for your rewards not from any human being look for your rewards from Allah subhana wa tada and he will not let you down. So how long

00:56:40--> 00:56:43

should I take faith based counseling

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or regular counseling it's always better to have a faith based I always recommend this if it's available and

00:56:57--> 00:57:09

is a good quality because the faith and I have heard this also from woman says I'm gonna go to the counselor and she's gonna say what he has a girlfriend you go and find a boyfriend.

00:57:11--> 00:57:28

So yes, absolutely. They are faith based because they will not guarantee they will remind you of the bigger picture that we live in as Muslims if I find them and they are available 100 they are obliged me now things are much better than 20 years ago look always yes

00:57:31--> 00:57:34

make it as a faith based if available.

00:57:37--> 00:57:39

Can a woman

00:57:44--> 00:57:44


00:57:45--> 00:57:48

I need I need the questions related to the subject.

00:57:53--> 00:58:03

This is going to be inshallah another another topic abused children abuse Yes, may Allah Subhana Allah forgive us all and this one has no reason

00:58:04--> 00:58:05

nor is it Jani.

00:58:07--> 00:58:27

What I will say the following when you look at a man and a wife abusing each other or the man abusing the wife or the wife abusing like when you dig in sometimes you can find a trigger points. right but a child a five or a six year old split milk spell it was

00:58:29--> 00:58:33

break something on made a mess and I beat him

00:58:35--> 00:58:37

out what would I tell him last time

00:58:38--> 00:58:59

who I who gave me this authority? I don't like children Why did you have them? So children is a completely you look at it completely different. Danny see how much how long is it between spouses? This is even more haram because that's a weak person. So this insha Allah Allah who was we may do it in another way.

00:59:00--> 00:59:06

If there is I think we are done. This is absolutely an hour Zack Milan is pelikulang more behind the shadow.

00:59:08--> 00:59:39

stuff we will cover two legs Allah Allah say now Mohammed Ali, he was happy to Sleeman kathira if I said anything right? It's from Allah and Allah I don't know if I said anything wrong. That is from me, my ignorance, my shavon and my weakness May Allah Subhana Allah forgive me. May Allah pantalla I seek refuge in a law that I remind you of things and I do not practice it is up in the highlands panic alarm will be handy. I shall do it. stuff we will cover today several Milanesi no one ever he was Harvey testament kathira Desert from La Jolla.