Haifaa Younis – Domestic Abuse Program #03 Remedies from Quran and Sunnah
AI: Summary ©
The importance of not letting anyone go after a woman who caused domestic abuse is discussed, including not criticizing her for her actions and not acknowledging her own actions. The historical context of Islam is also discussed, including physical abuse and her deeds. It is emphasized that the "will" of Islam is not a guarantee for success and that finding professional counseling and faith-based counseling is crucial for addressing anger and substance abuse. It is also emphasized that women need professional counseling for their fear of their partner's behavior and that avoiding children abuse is also emphasized.AI: Transcript ©
One of them of domestic abuse and you
really when they are calm and you go
down, down, down, down, down, you find that
things are,
I mean, I wouldn't say there isn't majors.
There are sometimes majors but there is a
lot of it is simple. That's not worth
it. This is haram.
Hurting a believing
man or a woman is haram.
Look what Allah says, they have
have certainly borne upon themselves
a slander
and a manifest sin. Don't take it lightly
hurting
hurting people don't take it lightly at at
all,
at all and look at this and this
is the hadith I wanted you all to
know.
And this is when Rasul alaihis salatu wa
salam
went for Hajj, he went for Hajj only
once, this is the month of Hajj we're
not done yet,
Only once. And he gave the Khutba, they
call it When
he went for
his
Hajj,
privilege,
he did one and he passed away a
few months afterward.
In that Hajj he gave the sermon
and in that sermon he gave everything
that you want you know when you're leaving
and travelling
and you're talking to your family and you're
going to remind them of the most important
things and this is one of the things
he said, it's a long hadith, you you
find it in al Bukhari, it's a long
hadith, and
I brought to you only the small things,
and just the part, not the small,
but the part related to our topic. Look
what he says.
Fear Allah, be Allah conscious, obey Allah
with women, meaning when you deal with women.
Why? Look
what
he
said.
You married them with the covenant of
Allah.
And
you were allowed
to have marital
relationship with them lawfully by the name of
Allah because when we write the contract
between man and woman as Muslims we put
the name of Allah.
What is the right of the husband above
the woman? This is
non
negotiable,
this is no different opinion, the right of
the man
on the woman, in this one
they will never
have a relationship
outside the marriage with another man.
If they did that,
now
you have,
you have
the
right to strike them. Look at this,
that's the only
and is not beat them,
is not beat them.
And he explained
it. Gentle,
gentle in a gentle way.
Strike them,
strike them.
In another hadith he described it, it's like
the siwak. You know the siwak?
They're the small stick that we use, Muslims
use to clean their
teeth and it's usually done from the tree
and he said this,
not beat them or fracture
their bones and send them to the hospital.
In my research,
one there was a. A it's an interview
on NPR and you probably can see it
and the the, the one they interviewed her
is became a very,
advocate
for women against domestic abuse because her mother
died,
died. Her father
basically killed the mother in a rage.
And she said I grew up
with my father beating my mother, beating my
mother since I was 8, and then at
one point at age 18 she died
in one of his anger,
and rages.
So here you go,
it's not an open invitation,
discipline is like when you when you discipline
your child,
right? What do they tell you? What do
they tell us? Right?
Spank him but where?
Never spank him on the face. Never spank
him on his chest. Never grab him. Don't
hurt him. What do they say? Spank him
on the back. Why? Because it's a lot
of fat.
It's it's it's he feels it or she
feels it, but it's not painful and that's
what he said alayhi salatu wa salam. And
in the same thing, in the same hadith
that in the hajj in the
fair work he said
The best men
among you look at this,
the best men among you is not the
richest, not the highest degree, not the biggest
home, not the most,
smart or the most handsome. No.
This is what he said, Aras salatu was
salam he said,
the best
of you
among you is the one who is best
to his wife,
that's my deen and noose,
that's our deen,
The best among you is the best to
his wife and then he said about himself
and I am the best to you to
your to my family,
right? And look at this one and now
I'm talking about physical abuse
physical abuse
when you see the pictures
where the woman goes to the police and
then you get all these pictures,
black eye, fractured, boom,
SubhanAllah, and he says
Please read this hadith, this is my deed,
this is Islam,
this is Islam, this is in general, this
applies to every Muslim with every Muslim, and
definitely between man and a husband and a
wife, a wife and a husband. Both,
again both, but since it is 85%
is the statistics says 85%
is woman SubhanAllah.
So Rasul alaihi wa sallam said a Muslim
is a brother to a Muslim that's why
we call them brother and sister.
He should neither deceive him
nor lie to him.
You Allah, where are we
from what he is teaching us or he
taught us?
The brother of the Muslim
should neither
deceive him nor lie
nor leave him without assistance.
Everything
belonging to a Muslim
is
inviolable.
Inviolable,
meaning it's haram.
It's not allowed for a Muslim. His honor.
His honor. You go out and start talking
about the wife or you go out and
start talking about the husband.
Honor,
blood
beat her till she starts bleeding.
Where is this?
Who said that? Who allowed this?
Why did we reach this?
This is what he taught us.
And property
a property I'll take everything from him, I
will take everything from her. That's not us,
this is not our deen. Piety is here,
and he pointed to his
chest, it is enough for a Muslim to
commit evil by despising
his Muslim brother or sister.
This hadith should be taught to every couple
before they get married.
And that includes everybody in the house, it's
haram, it's not my deen.
Any
this is what I'm trying to say today
insha'allah, Allah made me say it is don't
blame Islam on it, don't say Islam aloud,
don't say I am the man and Allah
told me to do this, that's not the
case,
we cannot do that,
we cannot do that, SubhanAllah, I look at
the other one.
And this is one I shared with you.
Oh, my servant. I made injustice haram. And
when he put
in the in the last settlement, and I'm
gonna finish probably another less than 5 minutes
because I wanna take some questions.
And I know there will be a lot
of questions, but may Allah make it easy
for all of us. And
in the farewell
pilgrim,
In the farewell pilgrim that he took, a
pilgrimage he took,
he asked them,
do you know what day is this? And
it was the 9th of Harafa. The Harafa,
9th of the
This is a sacred day, Arafah.
Do you know where are we?
And of course they know but out of
other politeness of the Rasulullah
They said Allah and his messenger knows, he
said
sacred city,
it's Arafa.
Do you know what month is this?
And they
said
this is sacred month
this is why I'm using I'm putting this
in in this context.
Allah
made it
unlawful and Allah made your wealth,
your honor,
and your blood.
He made you can read it here with
the translation.
Right? He said, this is a sacred man,
he added Allah
has made your blood,
your properties, your blood,
your properties, your honor, sacred,
sacred to one another,
like the sanctity
of this day of yours, in this month
of yours, in this time of yours.
You cannot hit someone
and then let her bleed.
Hardham is haram,
is a sanctuary, it's
horma, it's like when you say Makka, O
Makka, this is Arbaadul Haram. What is Arbaadul
Haram? Sanctuary.
So the blood of the believer,
the honor of the believer and the money
of the believer is as sanctuary as Makkah.
And look what he advised us also, look
he said this to a man, this is
the advice if
we only know our sunnah
and we really want to follow it and
we really take Rasool alaihis salaam
as our example,
these things will not happen.
Look what he said.
Sahabi, major, he said.
Look what he said, he said you will
be rewarded for whatever
whatever you spend for the sake of Allah.
50¢, $1,000,000,000.
Even
the
morsel, the bite of food, you put it
in the mouth of your wife, that's an
act of charity because it's acts of goodness.
You make someone happy.
It's the same way when the woman cook
for her husband and she says, you know
what? I don't like this food, but he
likes it.
That's acts of charity. It's not charity because
he needs it or she needs it. It's
ihsan. It's excellence.
The whole
idea Allah said this, between man and a
wife, you are a garment to Him and
He is a garment to you. What is
a garment?
Garment is the dress I am wearing. It
protects,
it save,
it shape,
it it it express who I am.
This is what all marriage is about, this
is what all marriage is about SubhanAllah.
And this is the source I told you
I found very good statistics about Muslim community
in the United States. Last thing I'm gonna
quickly cover it because of the time, and
I want to take a look. There's a
lot of commentary here,
and I actually researched this also. If the
woman
is in an abusive
relationship
where the abuse is a pattern, again
pattern,
It's repeated
physical,
sexual,
emotional,
and specifically if it is physical,
tangible, you see it or it is verbal
repeated and and you hear it and it's
normal.
The woman does have a ground for divorce,
Does have a ground of divorce. Alhamdulillah, I
always and I will end up with this
statement that I always, always
advise
anyone who come out to me and ask
me for help. And I say listen,
we are living in this life
for a short period of time
and our goal is to please Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala.
At the end of the day, when I
am in front of him and you are
in front of him,
no one will come to my veil,
no one will help me except me, and
it's not me actually, it's my deeds.
Are you inside this marriage,
obedient to Allah
more than outside the marriage? Then you stay.
Are you outside this marriage more obedient to
Allah than inside the marriage than you live?
I can be patient.
I can handle this without incurring
physical and and I can do that
and I am looking at my reward from
Allah. This is very difficult, easy said but
not easy and and very hard to practice.
But there is woman, there's a story I
read it myself, where a woman lived with,
and this is in the United States, with
a very abusive,
husband, but not physical. He just loved to
see her upset,
and and she's very clean,
and one day he came, this is a
story, she said it, he said came to
the kitchen,
put the oil in a pan, made it
very hot, then put the pan under the
water and let the whole oil
splash all over the kitchen for no reason
just to get her upset.
She went and cleaned it and she looked
at him and says no one will take
Jannah from me.
Meaning I'm gonna practice patient and I wanna
go to Jannah. Again, easy said.
So if I am inside a relationship,
I can handle it where I can
protect myself.
I know how to contain my husband's anger
and I am more pleasing to Allah inside,
then you stay. But this is easy said
and you can never say it to a
woman unless she said it.
However, leaving and I am much more pleasing
to Allah
than staying, then absolutely Islam allows it.
Islam allows it and remember
the statistics about the children
because children is usually one of the main
issue. May Allah Subhanahu Ta'ala
teach us our deen, this is how I
say, may Allah Subhanahu Ta'ala teach us our
deen number 1, may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
teach us not only our deen but also
teach us how to practice our deen properly
in the best way.
If there is a question and there's a
lot,
that I can
let's see.
Okay.
If you are someone who abuses
emotional or physical or verbal abuse, what is
the root cause of this and how does,
stop themselves from okay, that's a very good
question. So this person
is
talking about the abuser.
The abuser will come tell you, I don't
know why I do it, but I do
it.
Usually, usually, and again I am not a
psychiatrist and I'm not a psychologist, but from
what I see around me, and it's really
highly recommended that that person go and get
counseling.
Go and get counseling, professional counseling.
Abuse when it becomes a pattern, it's a
disease.
And a lot of people really don't wanna
do it but they just they just have
no control. You need help.
Most of the time there's an anger issue,
there's an anger issue, so the anger needs
to be
stresses of life
and I cannot show the stresses outside so
I show
it inside.
Mainly it's usually anger and of course there
is the substance abuse.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala protect us all.
Substance abuse in everywhere,
in all the pattern of it. But usually
there is anger issue,
control issue,
anger,
control issue, substance abuse. All these needs counseling.
All these needs counseling. It's not going to
get better by yourself.
And and I always say this and I
it really surprised me. So when we have
fever in the house, like I am in
the house, I had a fever and then
I use my usual remedies that I know.
I take Tylenol
or I drink, for example, soup and I
get rest and everything and then after 5
or 6 days, the fever went away. Okay.
Great. And the next week, the fever is
back again and the next week, the fever
is back again. What do we normally do?
All of us. Go and seek help. So
you know what, everything I know I tried
is not working.
Why not in when we come to
the domestic abuse, why not do the same?
So absolutely
we need
to Insha'Allah I was able to cover for
you is the following. It is
reality. We all have to
agree and accept painful reality, but it's reality.
We cannot keep living in in a way
we're living in a dream.
La la land. It's not la la land.
It's reality
and there is a lot of other painful
realities in the Muslim families.
Faith, substance abuse and this is one of
them, I need to accept
it's one of the tests Allah
is testing the Muslim community.
Number 2, I need to find solution.
I need to find a solution for it
and the solution is
counseling. Yes, you go and talk to the
imam. You go to go and talk to
the religious
people, but it is needs a professional
counseling here.
Professional
counseling to help you, to help you, and
I'm talking to the abuser to help you
to tackle
the anger issue, substance abuse, you go and
get it treated with that.
It is again it is it's it's not
easy but may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala make
it easy. If you have any question,
okay, what
what should a woman do if the husband
verbally abuses every day and beats up children
for pity issues?
That's very common, subhanAllah.
This is very common.
Right?
Daily,
daily you go with the same way Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala put it for the man
or with the woman, you don't leave right
away.
Leaving is the last resort.
You talk to him,
it didn't work. You get someone to talk
to him, it didn't work. You leave, but
not divorce. You leave, separate,
give a break for both.
Ask him to go and get counsel.
All these steps 1 by 1, 1 by
1, and I'm gonna say be patient but
not be patient forever
because there is a children abuse also.
So I will take this, I will look
at it as I have a problem, which
it is, but I don't
solve a problem by leaving right away. I
run away but
I'm going to try to see I did
1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and
number 1 is accept there is a problem.
Don't say it's nothing, it's usual, everybody does
it, it's not.
So number 1, acknowledge there is a problem.
You as the woman, if you are the
the victim or if the children are the
victim or both, And number 2, you start
finding solutions.
You talk to him when he is in
a good mood, you talk to his parents,
you take the
advice of your parents, the imam, all these,
you go and get professional counseling.
None of this work, you separate, take a
break
and see what will happen.
If none and it's continuous then absolutely you
can leave.
But again, I would not say leave immediately
but take all the all the,
precaution.
Okay. So sister,
and let's see this one.
My husband loves me, but he does not
look at children studies, salah, or any upbringing
matters. I'm like pulling
a flow alone literally. Am I blamed for
anything goes wrong? No. You do your best.
This is not an abuse. This is neglect.
This is different.
Right? Or the man I mean, you can
look at it this way. If you don't
work, the man will say we have 2
jobs.
I work outside the house, you work inside
the house. Some men will look at that.
And if the man and we have to
be fair, Yani. And I said this before
I start, I asked Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
to make me speak fairness,
not speaking with emotions. We have to be
very fair and we have to be objective.
So if the man works all day outside
and he is the one who is the
breadwinner and he spend on his children and
his wife and everything is fine, you know
what? You take care of that.
You are the one I wouldn't say you
are the only one responsible, but you will
say Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala did not burden
me with working outside or getting the money
or everything. I am gonna take care of
my children, I am gonna make sure they
pray and everything. Where the problem comes in?
When there is a conflict.
You want them to pray? He said they
don't have to pray. That's a different issue.
But in general, Jani, as women we also
have to be
that's where Ihsan comes in also as a
woman. Jani,
this 5050,
notion
it's fair
but but but this is not how Islam
is. I want more rewards from Allah. I'm
going to take care of my children as
long as he's taking care of everything else,
Right? He can take care of everything else
and I can take care of the children.
So you don't look at it, my beautiful
sisters, as it is, it's
like a company.
Don't do that,
deal with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala,
deal with the generous,
look for your rewards not from any human
being, look for your rewards from Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala
and he will not let you down.
Should I take faith based counseling
or regular counseling. It's always better to have
a faith based. I always recommend this if
it's available
and
is a good equality because
the faith and I have heard this also
from woman
says, I'm gonna go to the councilor and
she's gonna say, well, he has a girlfriend,
you go and find a boyfriend.
Wow.
So yes, absolutely.
Faith based
because they will not
they will remind you of the bigger picture
that we live in as Muslims.
If I find them and they are available,
alhamdulillahirabbalahim.
Now things are much better than 20 years
ago. Look always, yes.
Make it as faith based if available.
Can a woman
okay.
I need I need the questions related to
the subject.
This is gonna be, inshallah, another another topic.
Abuse, children abuse, yes.
May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala forgive us all
and this one has no reason,
no reason.
What I will say the following,
when you look at a man and a
wife
abusing each other or the man abusing the
wife or the wife abusing,
right? When you dig in, sometimes you can
find
trigger points,
right? But a child,
a 5 or a 6 year old, split
milk,
spell break something or made a mess and
I beat him?
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, what will I tell Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala?
Who gave me this authority?
I don't like children, why did you have
them then?
So children is a completely
do you look at it, it's completely different.
See how much haram is it between spouses,
this is even more haram because that's a
weak person.
So this inshallah, if Allah knows who may
do it in
another way.
If there is I think we are done,
this is absolutely an hour.
If I said anything wrong,
that is from me, my ignorance, my shaitan,
and my weakness. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
forgive me. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala I
seek refuge in Allah that I remind you
of things and I do not practice it.
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