Caring for Our Mental Health The Challenges & The Benefits.

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Haifaa Younis

Channel: Haifaa Younis

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Miss Smith, you

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said it Kumar Smith law what occurred to him smilla hamdu Lillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Ali he was a woman who Allah form alumna. myinfo. Now one fan habima alum center in the Kissimmee omaggio Buddha aluminio to become an enemy lions our Calvin live show and I've seen Leticia bawa What do I lose the job? obon Allah is a clue when it has a tener will have been amyloid on Karama in the continual hub. In account SME solarium, Sara Marie Kumara, Matala barakato, welcome again to our Tuesday night program that last pantai that again, reward everyone for joining us being our guests, allowing us to be their guests in their home. Today in handling galantamine, I am more excited than

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usual. We have a very special guest with us who basically joining us from New York Long Island and who I happen to know her before she specialized in what she's going to be talking with us today SR man Menachem Naga wala joining us from New York Long Island i as i said, i nomina hail from I think 2015 or 14 where she was a student of Quran, Masha Allah Baraka Allah, and as well as as she was studying. And then hamdulillah her Blimey as always Allah graced us with His blessings. And now she is a humbler full time. mental health counselor specializes in marriages and in trauma, and she is Grace gracefully accepted our invitation to join us and join you all and she's going to share with

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us her

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knowledge talking about mental health and as always, especially when we talk about mental health. We will open the floor for questions and answers we're going to have a wooden shot law 30 minutes with Mila so I will ask everyone please to write your as always, but just a reminder, write your questions on the comments and inshallah We will do our best and Allah will put barakah in our time to answer and address all your questions. Manohar. It's a pleasure having you with us. So good to see you. Does Killa Hara saramonic mattala hirakata everyone. It's a pleasure to be here. Dakota hi fi I appreciate the invitation and being here with you as always a pleasure. condemnor

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is from New York. She's from Long Island, so we're making special dua for her and her family. Al Hamdulillah please that's, that's the best thing I can ask for.

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So start with the name of Ilana muda Horner scileanna su de hindgut him and my bad English apology Mr. Mandela him. Rubbish Rodney. Suddenly we're Sydney Emily Watson and Auckland attend melissani, Africa Hokulea,

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Santa Monica Murata, La Habra, ricotta, who everyone It's a pleasure to be here tonight to talk about the topic of mental health.

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You know, right now we are living in unprecedented times, the situation that we're living in now with COVID-19, the lockdown and

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all of the challenges that come with that is something that I don't think any one of us has faced in our lifetime ever before. And

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so, you know, we're seeing with this new challenge that we're facing in our communities and as a nation, as an international community as well. Changes in our everyday life pertaining to our families were with everyone all the time in ways that we didn't use to be mothers with children handling school, from home, finances are affected, you know, death has come closer to our door than maybe we've ever expected it or seen it come before, of course, we know death is a reality of life. But, you know, this is a reminder, unlike other reminders, because it has become so widespread, and it doesn't differentiate young and old alike are being affected. Our social lives are just

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completely thrown up in the air. And so, you know, this whole concept I was listening to, you know, mental health expert, earlier today was said we shouldn't call it social distancing. We should call it physical distancing. Because in times like this, we need our social connections more than ever before. So we need to stay physically with some separation, but socially, we have to remain connected. And this is something that, you know, as a therapist, I see with many of my clients, you know, they're just starved for connection, whether it was through their workplace or their schooling, wherever they had that connection with people, peers, other people who they could relate

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to. It's gone now and this is even more difficult in situations and May Allah protect us all where within the family there's turmoil and conflict and

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You know, there was a time where people could maybe get away and issues could

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stay kind of under the radar. And now that we're around each other all the time, anything that was an issue before now is going to be highlighted even more than it was before because we don't have that getaway, through work or school or otherwise. And so what are the results of this?

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Dr. haIf? I'm hearing an echo. Are you hearing it? No, no, no. Okay, very well. 100. Okay. So the results of this are that there's an increase in loneliness,

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and increase in fatigue, mental, emotional fatigue,

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physical fatigue, Mom, seeing an increase in depression, anxiety is going through the roof. Right? There's an, you know, this epidemic, this pandemic has exacerbated the epidemic of loneliness. This is something that was already there. We were already experiencing some, you know, loneliness that was there people feeling alone, people comparing themselves to social media. And now what I'm hearing is, you know, this person is so motivated, and I saw on social media, they started exercising during the pandemic, and you know, they're doing so well. And now, you know, I feel so bad that I'm doing nothing right. So we had that already before, but now it's there's a comparison

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happening in different kind of way.

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Manohar Sorry to interrupt you, but the our viewer they say there is an echo. Yeah, I'm

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not sure why there might be an echo. Okay. I can try to take my headphones off. I'm not sure. One of them may be maybe one of them and see what we'll do. Let's, uh huh. So I can I can take this out. Okay, but this is just my ear. The mic is still here. So we can see how that goes. Yes, Bismillah. Priscilla.

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So what let's continue talking about the results of the situation that we're in. So we have the loneliness, that's increased the fatigue mentally, emotionally, physically, right, we're seeing that, you know, parents are now responsible for schooling their children, there is screen fatigue happening, you know, for example, even for myself, now, as a therapist, I'm doing all of my sessions, virtually some sitting in front of the computer for seven, eight hours a day, right? So you know, that, that heaviness of just being in front of the blue light all the time, right? That's increasing, also the anxiety related to what's going to happen for me financially, what's going to

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happen for me physically, you know, every time we go out that heightened level of vigilance that we have to have, we have to wear a mask, we have to do this, we have to stay away from each other at the store, I have to make sure I don't get too close. All of this heightened vigilance, our brain and body is constantly in a state of fight or flight. And that's going to lead to burnout, that's going to lead to, you know, constant state of stress that's going to lead to exhaustion. Right? When we're exhausted, we're going to also increase the level of frustration, we might start feeling a little bit more snappy with our family, right? So there's worry about our physical health or

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financial well being all of these things. And so it's important, now more than it ever has been for us to address the topic of mental health. And I believe that our audience is primarily sisters, and so open to everybody. Oh, it's open to everyone. Okay.

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So, you know, we want to think about what can we do to address some of these things, and I want to talk a little bit more about what we can do. I want everyone in Sharla to leave with something practical to do and, you know, I see someone who's already asking, what do you do when you're feeling down? When you're depressed? How do you calm yourself down? Right? We go in one of two directions, you know, when we're in an optimal state of being, right.

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We're in a place that's called in the mental health world, the window of tolerance. What this means, in an optimal state, we can think we can feel

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we can act and remain socially engaged all at the same time.

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So for example, in my optimal state, if I if I bang my you know, hand on something, my elbow on something, I say, Oh my god, how I can think and say, Oh, I hurt my elbow. I can feel it. I say I feel pain. Oh, my God, that's kind of you know, makes me kind of sad, right? I can act i can say, Oh my God, this thing is in my way, I can push it away. I have action. Right? And I can talk to you about it. And I can say, Oh my god, that really hurt. I banged my elbow. That's in a state where my stress level is tolerable. When we're faced with constant stress, when we're faced with a level of stress,

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That's overwhelming, or constant. So it builds up and becomes overwhelming.

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We become either over activated, which is anxiety, irritation, anger, panic, right? panic attacks, we get outside of our window of tolerance, or we get under activated, which looks like lack of motivation, fatigue, depression, anything that's weighing us down.

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And so the question is, what do we do when we're either over activated or under activated? And so we want to the first piece of this, I'm talking about mental health, is to think about how do we manage our stress in a consistent way, so that we can stay within our optimal optimal range of functioning as often as possible, we'll all get overwhelmed at some times. But what are some of the things that we can do to maintain an optimal way?

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The first of those things is to manage our stress, and what's the easiest way to manage our stress is to think about the things that are causing us stress that we can cut out.

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So for example, if you are an avid watcher of the news, you may want to restrict how much time you spend in front of the television or in front of wherever you're getting your news from, whether it's your phone, or the TV or your computer.

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If it's you know, if you're in, you know, 25 chat groups, and you find yourself having to respond to everyone. And that's, you know, for me, if I have too many messages, I start getting stressed out, you know, and people might tell you, she's really bad at responding to messages, and it's because I have decided that I cannot be asleep to my phone. Right? So we have to cut out the things that are adding stress that we're able to cut out, if your children are schooling from home, you can't cut that out. But you can cut out how many groups you're a part of you can cut out you know, how much time you're spending talking to people are engaging with people who are not necessarily helping you.

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Okay, so a big piece of this is when it comes to our mental health there, the situation around us is always going to continue to happen, the stress around us is always going to continue there's a lot that we cannot control. We cannot control how long COVID is going to last I mean of course we play our part and hopefully take our precautions, right but we have to keep an eye on what we can control what is it that I have agency on? Who are the people that I'm interacting with what are what is the input that I'm allowing into my system because the whole point of mental health is not to you know to change or control the situation externally but to shift how we take it internally.

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And so the other thing that we have control over is our own health think about how much sleep you're getting and I understand that you know for many people if you you know depending on your work or depending on you know and especially parents of little children you may not have full control over that but if you are you know if you're not having proper boundaries with your job if you are spending time on social media or watching television through the night that's in your control getting enough sleep is so important for our mental health A lot of times people don't realize this you know, I've started to study integrative nutrition to look at the intersection between our

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physical health and our mental health sleep is imperative for our brain and our body to function properly. In addition, I'm sorry Mina so how many hours from the mental health point of view that you say this is enough sleep because we know how many people are not getting enough for most people are not? Exactly Yes. So optimally from what I know is seven to nine hours of sleep. Okay?

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seven to nine hours and also we want those seven to nine hours to begin before midnight. So we want to be you know now especially we want to try to work with the sun. So we want to you know, start winding down we don't want to be going to sleep even now it gets dark so early. We want to be going to sleep much earlier you know, not even I would say not even as late as 11pm

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Okay, okay.

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So getting enough sleep. And we know the precise I'm told us about the winter days, right? Yes.

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It's the spring of the believer. That winter is the spring of the believer because you have a long night so you can have enough sleep. I mean if you go to bed at seven, right, you can determine Yes, exactly. Because you finished your session everybody had dinner and done and then you can be up by 40. You still have about an hour and a half for your pm. That's when he called it Elisa to sit on the spring.

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And then when you have fast, literally, I mean, probably in New York even shorter. I mean this after you have I think 11 hours or even less, because fudger is five to six, and

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about 3448. Yeah, yeah, so this is exactly take advantage of it. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, no.

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That takes me to the other piece of this right of that of remaining healthy, which is eating healthy. Yeah. I talked about a lot about this in Milan, because we love to feast in the month of fasting.

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Eating healthy is a big piece of this as well, right? What is the nutrition? What are we giving ourselves? What are again? What is our input? So what are we taking in through our eyes, through our ears? And through our nutrition as well? Are we eating foods that are nourishing, and nurturing our body? Or are we putting things processed things that, you know, if we really knew the origins of it, we wouldn't want to be, you know, within 10 feet of it. Okay. But we, we, you know, now especially, it's just about snacking and having food because we're stress eating, right. And so eating healthy, we can control that we can control what we put into our body, right? That's another piece of that,

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being active. And I'm not saying go and have a strenuous workout, you know, go workout for an hour, but be active. You know, and I remind myself of this all the time, because literally, now we're sitting in front of our screens so much, even our children, right, the little ones, they're schooling from home, they're saying, Get up, start doing jumping jacks with them, it doesn't mean you have to have an organized workout, that's what we think when we say be active, right, it could just mean go out for a walk, it could mean just do you know, just do some activity at home, do some stretching, get your blood flowing, right? That oxygenates your body gets your brain from, you know,

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activated as well, right. And so we want to be doing things that are activating our body. And this is especially important for anyone who is feeling under activated under active, right, because when your body's under activated, you want to get it, you want to do something to activate it to get your get the movement in there. Right? If you are finding that you're over activated, and you're anxious, your movement might be something that's more calming, you might do some yoga, you might do some stretching, right? You might do something, take a slow walk. And you know with that, we want to also practice something and this is you know, it's beautiful, because our Dean has this right? We talk a

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lot in the mental health field about the idea of mindfulness. We want to be mindful in our actions. So for you your your activity, may be going for a walk, and mindfulness when we think about it, we think about just sitting still and breathing and that's great.

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But mindfulness really is being present in the moment with whatever you're doing. So when you're eating food, are you just shoveling it into your mouth? Are you noticing the taste? Are you seeing 100 enough for the ability to chew? Are we seeing 100 for the fact that it goes into our body and we can digest it without any problem? Right are we you know, when we're walking are we noticing our each footstep as it touches the ground, where the with the earth holding us up, one of the things that I do with clients a lot if they're over activated in session, sometimes that happens in trauma work, right, is that I'll tell him, just place your feet firmly on the ground. And let yourself

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really feel the ground underneath your feet, feel the stability of the earth holding you up

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the ground that we walk on. And if you try that, you'll see that it may just even if it's incremental, depending on you know how your anxiety is, you'll see that it can be very calming, it can be very slow, because we're like quite literally settling down into our space. Right? And so this activity of mindfulness bringing our awareness to what we're doing in the moment that we're doing, you know, this I mean that's essentially our center is a practice of that. What have we been told about our prayer to pray as though you know, Allah is you know, as though you see a lot and if you cannot imagine that the know that he's watching you, if that doesn't bring you into the moment,

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I don't know what will.

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Right and that's a practice for all of us. I'm sure we're I know I'm still working on developing that. And you know, our intention can be when we're walking when we're engaging in mindfulness outside of our prayer we can we can turn it into a bother because we can change we can make sure we have the intention that we're doing this so that we can actively Practice this in our prayer.

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So said, I thought I can't hear you. I'm sorry.

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There we go. Yeah, I muted. Yeah. It reminded me of a beautiful verse of solar juice of the end of solar choose one of the most beautiful sodas and I lost pantalla says, We're coming out

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For some are what you will or do muhammadi alone How many signs of a law they pass by in the heavens and the earth, and they are neglectful, neglectful of it. Basically, meaning if I was mindful, I loved when you said you put your foot on the ground and feel it. And this is what I was saying, we take it so casual we we are so the rat race, we are so running, running that that the basics that Allah subhanaw taala want us to learn, this is how we always connect everything with our beautiful religion. Absolutely.

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Because then you just sit down and then think so one of the move exactly Salah when we eat is these are all signs from Allah. Take a breath and look at it. I love this, this notion of does acula and 100. And, you know, and this and when you say this, it reminds me of the I act of a law. I mean, you know, each Allah subhanaw taala has told us His words are like an ocean, the beauty that we get from it is never ending. And so as you're talking about this, I'm reflecting on SubhanAllah. So much of mental health also includes going out into nature. And being mindful in nature. Yes. And so when we are you know, so a lot of times I'll sit in this seat, this is where I sit when I work in the window

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is across from me, and I can see the sky, and it's such a beautiful thing. And did you know that we if we were to gaze upon the sunrise and the sunset, the benefits for our physical body in that, were we to bring our attention and be mindful and not be amongst those who turn away from the chaos of a loss, the benefits that we get for our E man number one, first and foremost, it connects us to the last panel, Donna, and what better way to calm our nervous system, then to connect with our Creator. And that's through his creation to pay attention to that. And so when we gaze upon the sunrise and the sunset, it helps modulate our circadian rhythm. Right. So that whole idea of sleep if you're if

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you're affected by insomnia, take a drive out to somewhere where you can see the sunrise or the sunset, ideally, both seeing the different colors in the sky, the way that it hits our eyes, there's like a whole science behind it, it helps affect our nervous system, it helps us sleep better. Right? connecting with the earth, literally, it's called grounding. And there's so much physical benefit of that. Right? There's just just breathing, being able to connect with our own breath. Right. And then someone mentioned Vicar, I mean, when we're connecting to the heart of Allah, what else can escape your lips other than Subhan? Allah 101, La Ilaha Illa. Right, the dekor will flow naturally, because

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we're connecting in the moment, right? And this is a huge part of the antidote to anxiety, because when we're present, we're staying here what's going on from you right now. And what is anxiety, anxiety is worried about the future, it's about what's going to happen. And if we're able to stay present here, right now, then we calm our nervous system, and then we can think about the future in a way that's more productive, because worrying about it doesn't get anything done. Right. And so, you know, be engaging in our health, in terms of our physical health, but the connection of that is with our mental health, there's a direct impact of that, right? When we're eating healthy, we're

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nourishing our body with all the vitamins and minerals that we need, right? Most of us are magnesium deficient, that's going to affect our ability to calm ourselves down, right magnesium is what naturally calms us right. So if we're not getting then we're eating you know, we're eating things that are nutritionally empty, right, we're just filling our stomach but we're not filling our body with what you know what we need. So that's one big piece of it. The other piece of maintaining mental health is maintaining our social connection. So there's one which is taking care of our body in a way that respects the body that last Hello Donna gave us through it connecting with the last

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panel data and then also allows panel data has created us in connection we need our social connections to survive the way we need oxygen and so nurturing positive relationship staying connected with those who we feel nurtured by people who's in whose company we feel we grow. And so that's a huge part of our connection of maintaining our mental health.

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The last thing that I will say before we open it up for question and answer because I want to leave enough time because I can I can talk about this all day, right? I mean, this is a you know, I this topic is one that I can just go on and on about hamdullah. But you know, the one thing that I do want to leave you with is that in moments of difficulty

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we're all facing some kind of strain. You know, some of us, it may just be firstworldproblems, right? I'm used to traveling every year and I don't get to travel, right? Or, you know, my children are fighting, I have three children, they're fighting over two computers, right? These are first world problems, but they're brilliant, or whatever it is, it's a problem nonetheless, and some of us have more severe problems, right? Because we're also seeing that in families, where there was any kind of domestic violence or abuse that has gone up as well, people who had way out, don't have that anymore. And so some, you know, of course, you know, the range of problems is wide. And you know,

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when it comes to being in lockdown, and the stress that we're facing, just keep in mind as Muslims are clean is that this is from Allah, hello, data analyst panel data has told us are certain to Santa crochet and Mohawk.

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It might be that you hate something and it is good for you. And it might be that you love something and it is bad for you, below who wants not to animal and Allah knows and you do not know. And so with that in mind, I want to open up, open it up to question and answer, inshallah, so that we can hopefully get some more practical solutions for people from this time. Right. So if we want to summarize for those of you who are joining us right now is the system and I just summarized it very easy. It's very basics, but subtitle, and I remind myself before anyone else is, a lot of the times really need to go just to the basics. And I always say we don't need to go to travel to the moon, it

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just just literally just come to the basics basics are three is what she was saying. And look at that is and most of these, I will say 90% is under our control. because number one, it's your physical health, basically, which is what do I eat? How much I sleep? Where do I use the senses, or most pantalla gave it to me what I'm looking at what I'm watching what I am seeing what I am feeding my heart, and the activities I'm engaging in. Exactly number two, do I take care of my physical body which means get active. That's everyone is talking about this. Number three is the mindfulness Focus, focus on what well I don't have even time to do anything what you're cooking, I always remind

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myself of this, we all have to cook because you have to feed yourself and your family, right? And unless it's in the Oran on mobile Illa summary he does Marouane a look at it. And he's talking about the foods he said look at it this unsorted and I'm in the cattle look at it, when it's blues, and look at it is fruits and it becomes beautiful. So here you are, wherever you are cutting, if you spend a little bit of time, instead of the negative thinking, Oh, I have to feed and I'm tired. And I have this and this to do just look at it and says so pound lighter potato, look how many colors they are, look how many shaves they are simple mindfulness, any shift your your, the whole mentality

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will be shifted. And number three is socially basic, basically. And I loved the first thing when you said something for those of you who joined us a little bit late. It is not social distance. It's a physical distance, but stay socially connected. However, the positive social connection unless these are the relationships that you cannot cut, because you're disobeying God was planted. And I always say the statement like this, there is relationships, I have no choice in them.

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It's my choice is to to take care of it. But anything else the group's I am in the people who I follow on social media, those who follow me on social media, this is my choice. are they bringing positive influence in my life or not? If the answer is no, Be courageous in that moment and unfollow them. And actually I learned it also humbled I am learning more than I am teaching analyze my witness is limit the

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online time

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we talked about it last week when we talked about the children the 10 parenting guidelines. And I will say this is not only for children, this is also for the adults. And and I found one of the easiest way and I'm sharing this with everybody. You know what, just turn off your internet like what you do with your children. And then absolutely or cut off your phone still working if people needs to reach you in case of an emergency it is working, but cut it off by 10pm shut it off. And that is it. And then if you're not yet ready to sleep, you can put practice the mindfulness or eat something beneficial ritual or undo your scar

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to help your nervous down down apps. He'll go exactly the input of the

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ability to see

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the screen everyone can can you comment on it does anyone says don't look

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Catch your screens before you go to bed.

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Well, you know, the first is just the physical the blue light from the screens, it tell it gives our bodies a signal that it's daytime wake up.

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So it's going to interfere with our body's natural mechanism to wind down and go to sleep. That's why even the lights in our home, you know, diming them, you know, in my home once we once after Mowgli, the lights are dimmed, you know, and that's because we want our bodies to get the signal that it's time to get to bed.

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But now there's a question you, we, we covered it, but maybe you want to expand and sister. So Sahiba says when when when you are feeling down or depressed, what to do to calm yourself. So you're down.

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So when we're when we're under activated, right, that's what depression is.

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There are a couple of things, right? We have to think about what's what is causing the depression. Okay, that's going to be a big piece of it. So we have to ask ourselves that question, it might be, you know, the very basic to come back to keeping it very simple, it might be seasonal affective disorder, right? Where we have less sunlight, we have less daytime hours. And so in, if that's the case, and you're noticing that it's seasonal, that it's happening around this time of year, then you can do a couple of things. Number one, get any time there is sunlight, do whatever you can to get into the sun, right? Make sure that you know you speak with your doctor, get some blood tests done,

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see make sure that you're not vitamin D deficient, right?

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Stay and get up with the sun and go down with the sun. Again, we want to maximize our, our exposure to daylight hours, so don't sleep in during the day. Because if you're waking up, you know, even at eight, nine o'clock, you've missed a couple of hours of daytime and you're, you know, you're you're decreasing your amount of daylight that you get. So that's one thing. The other thing is, you know, are you Is there something going on in your life that is causing you to feel down that is causing you to feel depressed, right? It might be now for a lot of people and I know in you know, some of my sessions, what I'm seeing is especially younger young adults who were in school or at work, that

00:32:19--> 00:33:05

social connection is gone, there's loneliness. And you know, if that's the case, then I would urge you to find connection that's nurturing for you right now and 100. Now the downside of the you know, losing socialization, the way that we used to know it, the upside to that is that there are now so many ways to connect with people, the community in you know, has has grown in the way that it has shrunk into the internet, right? So we can connect with so many more people now, in ways that we didn't, we weren't able to connect before, it's not the same as in person, but take advantage of that, either join some kind of a class on 100. I know, Doctor has Hakkasan, you know there are

00:33:05--> 00:33:48

different things that happen communities that you can join. So if it's coming if the depression as a result of loneliness, you know, find, activate yourself and looking for connection. The other thing, as I mentioned, is if you're finding yourself feeling low, depressed, then actually make an effort to physically get active, you know, then you want to engage in exercise that's going to be getting your blood moving. So you want to be going for a run, you want to be maybe boxing or you know, doing some kind of a kickboxing thing, something that's going to get your body moving, and actually, you know, getting your heart pumping, right? So you want to physically activate yourself that can also

00:33:48--> 00:34:23

have the impact of lifting your mood. Of course there's you know, one of the sisters says I try not in a high Lama every time I'm feeling down 100 now you know that that's a big piece of it, right connecting to Allah subhanaw taala. But I don't want to imply that if a person is feeling down that there's a deficiency in their connection with the last one, I don't want to imply that because that's just not true. Right? We can have a great connection with the last panel though, the fact is that if somebody has a trauma history, a lot of times we don't understand, we don't recognize how, you know, situations that happened with us way earlier in life. And they could have been years years

00:34:23--> 00:35:00

ago. But if they impacted us in a very strong way. Those memories get embedded within our body. Our bodies remember that and they carry the weight of some of those experiences. And so you know, you might want to think about that as well. Right? Think about is there if you if you know none of these reasons, if you can't figure out a reason as to why you're depressed. You might want to consider speaking to a professional and exploring that a little bit and seeing if there is something there from the past that your body is holding on to that needs to be processed.

00:35:00--> 00:35:38

First and you know that your system needs to kind of get it out of the system so that you can get back to functioning in a in an optimal way. If I want to add again when Muslims and I love the point you brought out because there's a lot of the time Well, I am a believer I cannot be depressed. Well, this is I will say is not true 100% because at the time of Rasulullah saw to sit on the meaning of his a man when he came to the Swati site to sit down, and he asked him I'm feeling down. I mean, you're talking about the Sahaba a companion, but what was his answer it he saw to a sinner. He just said one thing, say a stuffy little law.

00:35:39--> 00:36:24

Just say I mean talk about the weight of sins, huh? Yeah, exactly. But he didn't say why and what it is. So this is a simple one. This doesn't need you to move anywhere because some people will say I don't like exercise. It's too cold. I'm not motivated. We'll start with the simple things. You're still on your couch. You didn't even move. La La quwata illa Allah can zoom in closer agenda. It's one of the treasures of gender. This stock filter was simple three, which is the dwell often hamal has an aloha mania. Oh, Vika meenal how many one has our z one cache? Yeah Allah I seek refuge in You from him and hazard worries and feeling sad while I busy webcasting being an inability

00:36:24--> 00:36:29

incapacitated and being lazy these are all under activation observed

00:36:31--> 00:37:16

and you're asking a lot because you don't know like answering system so where do I start starts by asking Allah I seek refuge in You and then he How do you know your da is answered? He will make you look and says you know what? It's a good weather I'm going to go out and walk so gets connected to the source of everything. And raw is the easiest one simple one you don't know what an Arabic do it in English you don't know an English do it in your language. Your Allah I feel down helped me as simple as this. And then you go to the to the next step there is this. Another question? I'm going to put it on the screen. It says I have anxiety. And this past year, it was very tough. I lost my

00:37:16--> 00:37:32

dad, May Allah give him generously for those two weeks ago, and so many relatives passed away the last few months, I felt so weak to do anything. That's why I run to the curb. It's not a question. It's one of the beautiful answers. lrB, the krylya. He thought my inner.

00:37:34--> 00:37:38

And Allah said, this is a statement of confirmation affirmation.

00:37:39--> 00:37:50

By the remembrance of Allah, the hearts will get set or will feel serene. That's what it is. Opposite anxiety. SubhanAllah.

00:37:51--> 00:38:00

Let me see, try. There's a lot of comments. There was one question that I read it earlier is what do you do? If it is not you? If there's someone in your family?

00:38:02--> 00:38:46

Yeah, no, and that's a tough one. You know, it really is, if it's not you, but it's someone in your family. You know, as the Torah mentioned, there, you know, there are those relationships that we don't have a choice about, we don't have a choice to be related to those people or to have them in our family. But we do have a choice in how we interact with them, and how much we interact with them. We can maintain ties, while also minimizing ties, if you have that option. If it is someone who truly, you know, having that relationship, you're seeing that it's you know, it's impacting you in that negative moment of a man, right? We want to also pay attention to in relationships, how are

00:38:46--> 00:38:55

we participating in that dance in the back and forth? Whatever is happening, right? So, you know, it may be

00:38:57--> 00:39:32

you know, this is such a, it's such a big question. I literally just, two, three days ago, I did a one hour talk on marriage, right? And that's just skimming the surface. And, you know, we talked about if it's somebody in your family, it's there's so many different relationships that we have that we can talk about, right? Is it the spousal relationship is a parent and child is it siblings? Is it you know, are you an adult child of older parents? Are you a parent of little children, right? where, you know, what are we talking about? The thing that I want us to keep in mind, for you know, I'm going to assume that when whoever's asking is asking about somebody in the home because now we

00:39:32--> 00:39:35

are in the home with our immediate family all the time.

00:39:37--> 00:39:39

The one thing that I'll

00:39:41--> 00:39:59

suggest and perhaps it can be helpful is to keep in mind that just the way that you're struggling, this other person in your home, whether it's a child or spouse is also struggling. We are all going through this together and so

00:40:00--> 00:40:08

Especially, you know, with these immediate, you know, these closest bonds that we have between the spouses or with parents and children,

00:40:09--> 00:40:12

try to approach it from a lens of compassion

00:40:14--> 00:40:23

both for the other person and for yourself. And so compassion, sometimes we might translate that as being what can I do for you?

00:40:25--> 00:40:37

But sometimes compassion means saying, What do I need, so that I can be the best self in when I come to this relationship, because you cannot pour from an empty cup.

00:40:39--> 00:40:55

So compassion might mean I need to take time to take care of myself, I need to take time to breathe. So that now when I'm here with you, I can be you know, I have more to give.

00:40:56--> 00:41:20

Compassion might be saying I will only you know, there's this relative. And I know that I get anxious, but I'm not going to cut ties. But I'm going to set aside a specific time where I talked to this person, I'm not going to be available 24 hours a day, because that just burns me out. Right? So it's figuring out, how do we interact with these various relatives?

00:41:22--> 00:41:57

And what are we doing? That's not working? What are they doing that's not working for us? And how do we start creating boundaries. And this is so much easier said than done. This is so much easier said than done. But it's really taking a look at the relationship. And spending a little bit of time. The first step to this, if I can break it down for you into practical steps, the smallest thing I can tell you to do, is in this relationship, when you start to get reactionary, or when you start to find yourself shutting down, whatever, what happens to

00:41:58--> 00:42:12

that mindfulness is key noticing that I can I'm getting really angry, I want to bite this person's head off, or Wow, I like just want to get away, I just want to run away. I don't want to be here right now. Notice that when it's happening,

00:42:13--> 00:42:52

and take some time and one of the you know, one of the recommendations that I give to, especially when I have you know, couples in my office for marriage counseling is to, you know, recommend to people when you notice that's happening, just hit pause for a second and just say, Whoa, there's something there's a lot happening for me right now. And if you are able to then take a moment or a few moments, to say what's getting me so upset, why do I want to just run away, if you can figure that out for yourself, you will be better able to voice it

00:42:53--> 00:43:05

and to communicate it to the other person. But if you will get hijacked, because what happens is in relationship, when we're when we feel threatened in a relationship,

00:43:06--> 00:43:10

our fight, flight or freeze response jumps in.

00:43:12--> 00:43:51

When those responses jump in, and we don't even notice them, we then they take over, they hijack our brain in a way that our frontal lobe or rational thinking brain shuts off, we are no longer able to engage in a rational conversation, we are no longer capable of coming to any kind of a solution, we are no longer capable of listening to the other person. Remember, I talked about our optimal zone of functioning? Well, when we get into a fight, or when we're in that kind of a state where we're afraid that this person hates us or they're gonna leave us or, you know, we feel threatened in any way, shape or form. We are no longer in in our in our optimal zone. What was the last piece of the

00:43:51--> 00:43:58

optimal zone, we can think, feel, act and stay socially connected.

00:43:59--> 00:44:08

When we're out of that when we're in fight, flight freeze, we're no longer optimally functioning, we can no longer stay connected.

00:44:09--> 00:44:23

And so we have to actively recognize that before it hijacks us before it takes away our ability to think rationally. When we can do that, then we can think and say how do I want to act?

00:44:25--> 00:44:59

If we don't do that, it's going to take over and take away our ability to decide. It reminded me of the verse in Surah 12 are off when Allah subhanaw taala is talking about say the Moosa and when we talk about the anger and we talk about anger in the Quran is the best example say the moose and Allah Subhana Allah says, what the meaning golf once said no Moosa came back and he found his people of worshipping the call right what he did, he became angry and he throw the tablet

00:45:00--> 00:45:07

And he was so upset with his brother. And I want you to feel this is the Prophet was so upset with his brother, that

00:45:09--> 00:45:25

he held the hand of his brother, probably to him out of anger, right? And then his brother was calming him down. But then what did Allah says afterward? And this is the point, whatever my sacaton Musab, when anger quiet and

00:45:27--> 00:45:47

this is what you are saying is you need to get into that moment and you say I need to absolutely quieten the anxiety feeling inside me is the nowhere of discussion that we are going through the fight that we are going through because that's what Allah taught us in our hearts, Ada Musa is

00:45:48--> 00:46:13

that break actually, and, and I have to say, from from practice is not something you read, and I have tried it, you know, you feel this, and I'm sure you do this, too, when he gets into a discussion with someone. Right? And you know how we are that person wants to prove his right and you want to prove you are right, and then you start feeling it internally. Oh, yeah, that's, that's the emotions is getting a little bit

00:46:14--> 00:46:46

higher up. Right. That's your to react. Exactly. That's the moment we need to leave that discussion. And also our Swati saw to Sam reminded us that when somebody leaves a discussion and he is right, or she is right, let him Look at his palace or place in Geneva. So when you are dealing with someone and this is very difficult, I agree with you, somebody around you and we always used to say, when you have a sick person in the house you are you will become sick also. It affects you.

00:46:48--> 00:47:03

Absolutely take some time out for yourself, including the walking for 20 minutes, 10 minutes outside, away from everything. And then that's declared that time for reflection and remembering. And don't forget to

00:47:05--> 00:47:55

calm me down your alarm. Make it easy, y'all Allah cure the person in front of me, and, and I remind everyone the power of God, if you allow me, man, I just want to thank everybody, today's Tuesday, and I'm sure your social media was flooded with the Giving Tuesday on Facebook. I'm sure you received many messages. Man I have. So I want to thank all our donors 100 like oh, Blimey, we reached above our goal. But strong generosity is beautiful and handled. I mean, this absolutely is used and we grew up within less than a year from literally handful of staff in general Institute's now more than 20 hired way more teachers may allottee word of them or young professionals memorize

00:47:55--> 00:48:35

the orang from different parts of the world. And our registration for the course is coming very soon. It's this coming weekend, and you're going to see the different courses. So I want to thank everyone. And if you wants to be part of this and go ahead and we put everything go ahead on gender Institute, Facebook, now we are live on it, and just you want to donate May Allah reward you all, please forgive me, but I just wanted to acknowledge really helped us me a lot he would you? There was a lot of comments, man, and I'm sure you're reading it. Yes, I am seeing them. One of the things that I wanted to mention is, you know, it's such a good point. And I'm not sure there's an echo and

00:48:35--> 00:49:12

I don't know if it's so I'm gonna mute my Okay, um, they're not into that. So one of the things that I want to mention is, you know, the beautiful example of masayoshi son that you gave it such a beautiful example. And this tells us something really important, right? It tells us that anger, it tells us that worry that all of these emotions have a place. There also, I said, I'm experienced a full range of emotions, sadness, anger, worry, joy, happiness, love. They were all there. So we see that musante some got angry.

00:49:13--> 00:49:59

And then it that anger came down. So one of the things that I tell people all the time is it is never our goal. To get rid of the anger. It is never our goal to get rid of the anxiety or the sadness because Allah subhanaw taala has put those things inside us. Because those emotions speak to us. They're giving us a message. what our goal is, is to understand the needs that this emotion is trying to tell us that have to be met. Anger tells us there's been some kind of a violation, something's wrong here, son, there's some injustice. And so it's a call to action. What is that fight complex. It's you know, when our fight, flight or freeze, it's our survival. It tells us I

00:49:59--> 00:49:59

have to

00:50:00--> 00:50:42

Do something. So anger is giving us a message. So when you get anger, a lot of times people say I have to control my anger. I have to get rid of my anger. Yes, it's in excess. It's not good. If it is used for oppression, we need to control it. However, if you are in a relationship and you find yourself getting angry, you want to think about what is it and this is what I mean by taking noticing it being mindful of the emotion. And thinking, what is it that my anger is trying to tell me? Why is why is it there? Because a lot of us put it in you for a reason. Your anxiety, it's there for a reason. You know, there's a healthy level of anxiety. If I didn't have anxiety, every time I

00:50:42--> 00:51:18

had to speak publicly, I wouldn't prepare. I'd be like, okay, no matter you know, it's okay, I'll just I'll figure it out. But because there's a healthy level of anxiety, it's okay, let me do some preparation. Let me you do some research. Let me listen to electro let me look in my books, right? That's a healthy level of anxiety, it becomes unhealthy when it's to a point where it paralyzes me, and I can't do my job, right? But anxiety tells me a message, it gives me something it, you know, it gives me a message, there's a need, okay, I have to prepare something. But if I'm in a chronic state of anxiety, then it's too much my nervous system is not built for that, right?

00:51:19--> 00:51:58

sadness tells us something, it tells us there's been a loss, it tells us that maybe I need to take a break, right? So when we're feeling these emotions, it's never that we want to get rid of them. But we want to notice them. And we want to utilize them in a way that's going to benefit us not in a way that's going to harm us. And the only way we can do that is if we're aware of them in the moment. And then we can actually then engage in thought about why they're there. Rather and and when we don't do that when we say no, I'm angry, I just have to shut it off. Then that emotion is either going to take over

00:52:00--> 00:52:26

and hijack or it's going to shut off but it's going to shut off and shut off all good emotions with it. We cannot selectively Rene brown talks about this we cannot selectively turn off our emotions we can't say I want to get rid of the bad ones and I don't think we should call any emotions bad they're all there for a reason. Right? There's a function to all of them, but we can't selectively turn them off and say okay, I'm gonna get rid of my anger and sadness, but keep my joy

00:52:27--> 00:52:31

right? So that you know that's something that I was thinking about.

00:52:33--> 00:52:34

And I'm sorry you'll have to unmute yourself.

00:52:37--> 00:53:13

Does that laughing so it says my childhood best friend suddenly stopped talking with me without any reason and not telling me what is the problem What is the problem? So now I have been too much depression and I'm trying to forget everything but I can't What should I do now? Please advice that's a tough one you know I'm a you know there's a there's a timer I've seen a slew of articles on Adult breakups in terms of friendships you know and this is a truly a very heartbreaking situation when we have

00:53:14--> 00:53:59

you know old friendships friendships from childhood that all of a sudden you know break down so sister You know, what I can advise you is first of all, you know, the first thing is always we start with all we ask Allah Spano Donna for help you know there are doors that we can ask the last panel data to help us you know yeah yeah for you under Article Silesia sneaky shut Nicola wanna take in Ilana? Simple for dying right? We asked the last panel data alohomora technology fanatic you need an acetal for dying right now sorry. Alomar who needed to do it in short enough See, right Allah so we're asking Allah subhanaw taala for guidance for wisdom and protection from our own knifes and

00:53:59--> 00:54:25

protection from the evil of our own self. And so number one start with dog number two you might want to reach out to this friend you know you if you have any inkling as to if this friend is upset with you for some reason it you know even if you don't fully understand it, it might serve you to apologize for you know, and open up the door for conversation to see if there was something that hurt this and hurt her. If not, you may

00:54:27--> 00:54:43

you know you may just offer her support. We don't know sometimes when people are going through a hard time, you know that can be a sign of depression as well where they start to just cut away and isolate themselves from people. So you might want to you know, offer support and also also respect the space that she's taking.

00:54:45--> 00:54:59

Also try to take care of yourself as well. I mean, I know it's hard but if this person does not want to be in contact for whatever reason it is whether it's something that has happened in their relationship or whether it's something that she's going through on her own, you know, the hardest thing

00:55:00--> 00:55:03

is you know respecting someone you know someone's decision to do that

00:55:05--> 00:55:54

yes yeah, no I'm sorry Go ahead. And I was the last thing I was gonna say was you know, try to find try to remain socially because that that can really have an impact on our self esteem and make us start feeling you know badly about ourselves. And so try to continue some sort of social connection with other people who you feel good with. Yeah, what I wanted to add, which is something I learned and this is in the process of purification of the heart and it's one of the best knowledge that we all human beings, let alone Muslims needs to learn to learn how to handle emotions, and connections and social status or social around so one of the first things that we were taught is and we all

00:55:54--> 00:56:15

believe this and we know this everything comes from a loss petard. Right? Allah Allah allows us to meet people allows us to have friends and he allows us or doesn't allow us or doesn't allow this to continue so the first question for this sister, your childhood friend, you're going to turn to Allah spawn tada and say Allah, why did you take her away from me?

00:56:17--> 00:56:23

Always Always make the connection remember who said this in the beginning of the talk, make the connection with the source of peace.

00:56:25--> 00:57:14

opposites anxiety is peace and who is a Salaam who is these peace is Allah you turn to Him says Yama, you took her away from me meaning you allow her to disconnect from me, there is two possibilities, this is higher for me. I am not seeing it or you just mentioned Asana, crocheting or hironaka you may dislike something and there is a lot of goodness in it. So you say if there is higher, there is good. I am not seeing it show me because it's affectingly and this is how I always say to all the sisters talk to Allah subhanaw taala talk to him as semi or semi on curry vs is the one who hears us. Then another thing is your oma, if this is something, you took it away from me,

00:57:14--> 00:57:46

and I love it, because of I did something to you. And this is a course we are teaching now we're almost at the end is the results of since. So the DA law made you unhappy with me and you took this from me, show me and show me how to handle it. So what I'm trying to say I'm trying to always connect Islam, with the emotions don't deny the emotions don't deny depression, don't deny anxiety, but connected with what like exactly what sister

00:57:47--> 00:58:13

and I just was sharing with us but also with our Islam. connected together. It was more questions I'm trying to I don't know. Did you read someone? Oh, hell, yes. Yes. Please share with us the question you mean? Yeah, yeah. If yes, one of the Yeah, there's one that I wanted to address, it went back earlier. It says how do you deal with intrusive thoughts? How can we deal with intrusive thoughts? So I wanted to address that question. Good.

00:58:14--> 00:58:19

intrusive thoughts are thoughts that are, you know,

00:58:21--> 00:58:39

beyond a normal range of worry, right? So sometimes intrusive thoughts can come in the form of worrying about cleanliness. Sometimes I've had clients in therapy who have had intrusive thoughts related to their emotion, fear of doing you know, have committed having committed shirk, right.

00:58:40--> 00:59:18

You know, people who have intrusive thoughts regarding cleanliness might have done compulsions might make Voodoo I, you know, had a client one time, who would, it would take like 30, or 20 minutes to make, right? Because it was just constant over and over again, if I missed a spot, and so intrusive thoughts, one of, you know, the simplest thing that I can give to you, is to address intrusive thoughts by noticing them when they're coming up, and almost kind of seeing them as their own entity, and speaking to them, and saying, Okay, I see you, I see that you're trying to make me worry about something. And I also know that you're just a thought.

00:59:21--> 00:59:27

Nice. And that way you take the power away from this thought to pull you along with it.

00:59:29--> 00:59:56

Right? And do that, you know, as many times as you have to, but to just again, notice the thought, Okay, oh, there there there comes you know, and you know, with some sometimes with clients, I'll make up the names, names for these parts of them. So we'll call it the anxiety Gremlin or the you know, the thought Gremlin, right. So there it is, again, starting to you know, we're starting to go down the you know, the runaway train is coming and it's just going to just go away with us

00:59:57--> 00:59:59

and there's so much power in noticing it.

01:00:00--> 01:00:03

Because when you notice that you can say okay I see you

01:00:04--> 01:00:07

and I know you're there and I know that you're just a thought

01:00:08--> 01:00:17

a thought is not reality it does not dictate reality just if I tell myself it's daylight outside it's not going to become de like

01:00:19--> 01:00:33

and so that's the simplest thing I can tell you it's a you know bigger topic you know if it is very very severe sometimes medication can help you know and that is an option that if it's depending on how severe the situation is you might want to even look into that

01:00:35--> 01:00:40

Jackie la Hi this is beautiful a Believe it or not, it's already an hour man I

01:00:42--> 01:00:43

am fine.

01:00:44--> 01:01:18

Exactly Time flies. It's really interesting because this is really I wouldn't say only hot topic, but it's real reality. And I see you see it around you everywhere. And I mean, I can tell I'm seeing it with my patients. Exactly. Because many things that what do you think xiety the children the house, the virtual learning what is the loss of job, but I always and I will want to end and that I will leave the last thing for you. Yeah, man. And I want to remind everyone and I remind myself number one. remember Allah subhana wa tada is a Rahman Rahim Allah.

01:01:19--> 01:01:29

Allah is All Merciful. Allah is the owner of mercy. Allah is the one who gives mercy. In all what we are seeing, and we see only what is in front of us.

01:01:30--> 01:02:17

There is a lot of ammo from law, but we don't see it. And how many times later on we say, why would remember, and remember what's happened. So don't lose the sight of your relationship with Allah pantalla throughout all this, and if you it is not you, but it is somebody around you, who has this same thing, not only talk to them, but ask Allah Subhana Allah, to show them that, and I stress many times in this talk is about the relationship with Allah Subhana Allah and the dual, it does not replace the counseling, the treatment bright, and the counseling, and the treatment will not work unless Allah subhanaw taala allowed, we as Muslims, and we, we combine this together, I will leave

01:02:17--> 01:02:28

this to you the last words, man, join us 100 and I mean, I couldn't have ended it more beautifully than you did 100 law so I appreciate that. Dr. Haifa

01:02:29--> 01:02:53

you know, just the I just re emphasize the same piece, you know, of becoming aware of our own status, you know, in all of the things that we've talked about, you know, in our status and our relationship with the last panel Donna, being aware of our own physical self, if we're eating if we're a shopping, you know, Black Friday, just past Cyber Monday, all of these things Giving Tuesday 100

01:02:55--> 01:03:38

pay attention to what is driving your actions don't just do like a robot. You know, it's so easy to get caught up in the humdrum of everyday life and the stress of having to do every single day. Be mindful of every part of your life because that's going to have a direct impact on how you feel it's going to have a direct impact on your I bada it's going to have a direct impact on how you show up as a mother father, a wife, husband, daughter, or son, sibling, you know co worker it's going to have a direct impact on every aspect of your life and be mindful of what you take in because that will have a direct impact on what you give out. MLS panel about I grant us all health in our email

01:03:38--> 01:03:44

in our mind in our body and male Espinosa protect us from all evils just come along We'll play it on

01:03:45--> 01:03:47

you does that come along here everyone

01:03:48--> 01:03:57

everyone joining us we have people joining us from all over the world humbler Brandon I hope it's not gonna be the last one manana in sha Allah has nothing more of these

01:03:58--> 01:04:33

words I want to say to all our viewers and I put it on the screen just go and visit our website hamdullah we have many courses in sha Allah starting soon and many more of these programs next week we have a series of three week series of which is one of the sources of Whisper which is a chiffon. So it's we have a series called Know Your Enemy, who is your enemy inshallah starting next Tuesday. So Jackie Lau Korea morale against pelikulang and the shadow stuff gurukula tabouli sobre la alesi nam Hamad when he was happy to see him and Kathy Hello Joseph.