Habib Bobat – Why do couples fight

			If she's excited if she's expressing sentiments of jubilation, she's so excited to tell you about
her new outfit, then you can't be sitting there so lame.
		

			Okay, you look nice. You look, you look stunning. That's not what she's looking for.
		

			The question many people ask, Why do husband and wife fight so much? Why is it so much fighting in
the house? Well, to answer that question, we need to look a little deeper into the makeup of men and
women, Allah subhanho wa Taala has created men differently. Allah subhanho wa Taala has created
women differently. We are different on the outside, we are different on the inside, our appearance
is difference, our physique is different, the physiology is different. So if we are different on the
external front, don't you think we are going to be different on the internal front? And that's when
we don't understand one another. There's a lot of friction, a lot of tension in the home. And my
		

			effort today is to explain the differences between men and women, and to make you understand how to
work with those differences. So the first thing Allah subhanho wa Taala says, well, they said the
crew can answer. The men is not like the woman. Meaning we are different in terms of our external
features. And we are different in terms of our internal features. A men will process information
differently, a lady will process information differently. Now, the idea of our differences is not to
create conflict, but to understand one another, to supplement one another, and to work with our
differences. Now let's look at some of the major differences between men and women. The first thing
		

			stress, a man will approach stress differently, and a lady will approach stress differently. When a
man is stressed out,
		

			he retreats, he withdraws, he disconnects, he goes into his cave, he goes silent, he goes mute. He
doesn't want any noise around him, and is lost in his own world. That's how he deals with stress.
		

			A lady on the other hand, when she is stressed, she needs to speak. She needs to talk. She needs to
offload she needs she needs to speak her mind. Can you see the contrast between the two? Now picture
the scenario, the husband walks into the house and the wife starts to speak, what's going to happen?
		

			The man is going to think what's wrong with her? Why is she talking so much?
		

			And when a man is stressed and he's not talking, the lady is going to think why is this man not
talking? Why is he so quiet? Is something wrong with him. Maybe you're not interested in me. Maybe
you don't talk to me. Maybe you just don't find me entertaining, maybe you don't look forward to my
company. And when this misunderstanding grows between the two, there's great conflict in the home.
		

			What a man needs to understand. When a lady is stressed out, she needs to speak what a lady needs to
understand. When a man is stressed out he needs to keep quiet, he goes into his cave. Now when you
understand each other, it's easier to work with one another. And it's easier to relate to the
opposite gender. So the next time when the husband walks into the house, and he doesn't want to talk
and he wants to retreat to his cave, allow him the space. Give him a few minutes to unwind. Give him
a few minutes to destress. Once he comes out of his cave, he will be ready to connect with you. The
next time your wife wants to talk, give her an attentive ear, give her a urine let her speak her
		

			mind and she will feel much connected with you. She will feel love, she will feel affection. There
will be that chemistry between the two of you. So the first difference that we need to understand.
When a man is stressed. He needs to keep quiet. He needs to withdraw. He needs to go to his cave.
When an ad is stress. She needs to talk.
		

			My brother she's not nagging you. She's just trying to connect with you through whatever she is
saying through her conversation. So that's the first major difference. How can a man help his wife?
Number one, listen attentively.
		

			As men we tend to interrupt and give smart
		

			answers to the problems our women are presented. So a typical example your wife will tell you, you
know, today is such a hectic day. First, I was running late, and then the domestic did not pick up.
And then the wash the washing machine just gave up. What does it mean to you know what? I think you
should wake up early number one, so you won't be late. Number two, I think I'll get my friend to
check up the washing machine. Number three, I think you must fire the domestic.
		

			We as men, we tend to give solutions to the problems of women tend to present. She's not looking for
solutions. She just wants you to hear her out. She's looking for validation. She just wants you to
hear out when she's speaking. Listen to her. That's all. Don't offer solutions. Keep your smart
answers to yourself. And this is how we are as men we are wired differently. We are solution
orientated lady, on the other hand, she is not interested in your solutions when she wants that she
will ask you specifically. But if she's just giving you her the rundown of her day, listen to her,
look out for feelings, look out for sentiments and accordingly matched it. So number one, listen to
		

			a attentively. There is a difference between listening and hearing. Hearing is simply taking
information from the one ear and taking it out from the other ear.
		

			Number two,
		

			do not give solutions. Keep your smart answers to yourself. Don't interrupt, don't interject. Don't
provide smart answers. Number three, look for feelings. Ask yourself Is my fire is my partner
feeling tense.
		

			If she's feeling tense, then you need to match the emotions and accordingly respond to the
situation. If she's excited if she's expressing sentiments of jubilation. She's so excited to tell
you about her new outfit, then you can't be sitting there so lame.
		

			Okay, you look nice. Look, it looks stunning. That's not what she's looking for. She's gonna tell
you, it seems like you're not interested in me. But if you tell her was loving affection, oh, wow,
you look stunning. You look beautiful. You look dashing Subhanallah, you look so beautiful. If you
match the report, if your match her response, with equal enthusiasm, you will see that you are
building a connection with her. So look out for feelings. Is she feeling sad? Is she feeling tense?
Is she stressed out? Or is she excited? Issue job related, you need to match the tone. And you need
to build rapport with her.
		

			And the next point is
		

			when she is talking, she might not follow a sequence in her discussion. She might tell you about her
mother. And then she'll tell you something about the kitchen. And then she'll tell you something
about her work that she experience. And then she'll tell you about the kids. And you might be lost.
They're like, where is this discussion going? You need to have the patience to follow it through
from the top to the bottom, told look for chronological sequence. Don't look for something logical
to flow through. Just go through and listen to.
		

			Have you ever seen your wife speak to her sister? Or her friend? Or her mother or colleague? Have
you ever seen other conversation flows? They'll speak for 20 3040 minutes. And the lady on the
opposite end will just say Wow, amazing. SubhanAllah? Can you believe it? I can't believe it. Wow.
That's all you hear from the opposite side. And on the other side, she is speaking her mind out.
After that one hour of conversation she feels my friend understands me. My friend understands what
I'm going through. And you as a man you certain things like no man, something's not right.
		

			That lady offered no solutions. She just heard her out. And that's the point. When a lady feels
heard, when she feels that I've spoken, what's on my mind. She feels validated. And that leaves me
or leads me to the last point and that is provide validation for your wife when she is speaking. If
she is said, then you must say yes I can I can understand what you're going through. And I can feel
what you are experiencing. You know, it's so sad. So provide validation don't trivialize the
problem. You know, I think you overreacted I think I think what
		

			You're saying is maybe maybe an overreach, maybe you need to relook at it. Don't say things like
that, because you're looking for problems in your home. But if you provide validation, you look at
her and you say my telling what you're saying. And I can understand I can relate to what you're
saying, I can feel where you're coming from, I get your perspective. So that's how a man needs to
help his wife and she's talking.
		

			Now, let's look at the flip side of the coin, how can a lady help the husband.
		

			So number one, when the husband comes into the house, allow him space to unwind, let him relax, let
him retreat to his trigger to his cave. Once he has come out of his cave, he will be ready to
connect with you. You see, when a man is in his cave, he loses connection with the people and the
things around him. He can be sitting, and just thinking.
		

			And just thinking and you on the other hand, you're trying to figure out what's going on in this
man's mind. But don't try to figure out, allow him the few minutes to unwind. When a man is in his
cave, this is how it works. You don't talk to anyone.
		

			You don't worry about anything around you.
		

			And you just sit still. That is why a man can go fishing for hours and just sit like this.
		

			And you can cast and he can just sit
		

			because he's wired that way. A lady on the other hand cannot understand. Why is this man so quiet?
Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe he's upset with me. Maybe he just doesn't find me
interesting. You don't have to get offensive, or you don't have to get defensive. All you need to
understand that he is in his cave is unwinding. He is distressing. Once he is ready, when once he
comes out of his cave, after 510 minutes, he will be ready to connect with you. So don't don't push
him to talk. Don't push him to offload whatever is on his mind. Allow him to de stress in his own
way. So you must be asking what must what must I do?
		

			While you sit you relax, you catch up on your own social media, go play Candy Crush, go do something
on your own. You allow him the space, you just let him know, honey, if you need anything, I'm around
in sha Allah.
		

			Once you give him that space, he will have so much of respect for you. He will not run out of the
house to go into his cave. He knows my place. My home is a safe sanctuary, where I can retreat to my
cave. I don't have to worry about my wife, because she's understanding. And once he's out of his
cave, he will automatically open up to you.
		

			So you don't have to take any offense. You don't have to feel bad. Why is my husband not speaking to
me? That's how a man is wired. So a man needs to understand how our lady is wired and how she
unwinds. And both parties need to work with one another. Remember, at the end of the day, Allah
subhanho wa Taala has created as different by
		

			by default, and Allah subhanho wa Taala is created as different for reason. Our job is not to
eliminate the differences. Our job is to work with our differences. The beauty of the rainbow is in
the different colors. The beauty of a lady is because she's different. And the beauty of a man is
because he's different. So at the end of the day, we know we don't need we don't eliminate the
differences.
		

			We work with our differences. If you try to eliminate the differences, that's when the marriage will
hit the rocks. And I feel
		

			that many people fight simply because they haven't understood the partner. Once you understand how a
lady behaves when she's stressed out, and how a man behaves when he's stressed out, when you
understand each other, you won't eliminate conflict.
		

			But you will definitely reduce conflict. May Allah subhanho wa Taala give us the understanding, and
may we work on our marriages. May we take our marriages seriously, may our relationships blossom in
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