Habib Bobat – Myth 2 A Good Partner Does Not Express Anger When He Or She Is Upset

			It is day two of our marriage segment yesterday we were discussing the first myth and we said, a
good partner always puts his or her spouse's needs first. And he spoke why that is detrimental to
the marriage, we spoke about it leading to frustration, it can hurt the marriage, it can make you
resentful towards your partner. So, that was yesterday's discussion, today's discussion, we are
going to take another myth, another misconception and another misunderstanding in the marriages. So
Myth number two is a good partner does not express anger when he or she is upset.
		

			A good partner does not express anger when he or she is upset. Now, this is also highly problematic.
As human beings we go through different emotions in life, sometimes we are happy, and we show it to
the world. Sometimes we are said, and we want somebody to comfort us. Sometimes we are angry, and we
need to speak out. Because we are emotional, human beings, it's part of our makeup. When we happy we
speak, when we sit also we speak, when we angry, we also need to speak. However, it becomes highly
problematic when one of the partners have a temper issue. When they have a temporary issue, then it
becomes very sensitive, it becomes very volatile, because sometimes that temper can translate into
		

			physical violence, if not, emotional violence, the least. So it becomes very dangerous. We need to
understand as human beings, that temper cannot get the better of us, we need to subdue it. And
everybody has the capacity within himself to do that. So in a healthy relationship, in a healthy
relationship, husband and wife both need to allow the partners to vent the frustration, to vent
their anger, to allow them to clarify the air and allow them to speak out. It's healthier for the
relationship. Because if your partner is going to bottle up his or her frustrations, it's going to
build up, it's going to build up and eventually it's going to explode. And when it explodes, it gets
		

			very, very ugly. So husband and wife Alhamdulillah do love each other. One thing we need to
understand that if we fight it doesn't mean we don't love each other, it means we care for each
other that we want to tell each other how we feel. So a relationship should provide a nice
environment, a kosher environment, an environment which allows both partners to express themselves
without being judged, without being put down without being ridiculed without being invalidated. So
when the husband speaks, the wife needs to give him a hearing, whether she agrees with him or not.
And likewise, when the wife is angry, the husband needs to give her a hearing. Whether he agrees
		

			with her or not. that's besides the point.
		

			Now in expressing your anger, it's important that we keep certain certain things in mind. Number
one, we're going to discuss the don'ts. And then secondly, we'll discuss the do's as far as the
don'ts are concerned, to not become dramatic.
		

			We understand you're frustrated here.
		

			We understand you're frustrated, but to not become dramatic. Number one, number two, do not raise
your voice.
		

			And lastly, don't use an offensive donor. Because if you are going to use an offensive tone, then
the issue at hand will become secondary. And your tone will become the primary cause of your fight
and yet don't talk to me like you're not my mother. And you don't talk to me that you're not my
father. Okay? Just watch your tone. Watch how you're talking. Listen, we talking to so many times
husband wife, they end up fighting about the tone rather than the issue itself. So can you see where
we're going with this? It's extremely important that we do vent our frustration we must vent our
feelings and express how we are feeling nothing wrong with that, but there's a way in doing it also.
		

			So do not become dramatic. Don't raise your voice. And lastly, watch the tone. Do not use an
offensive tone. As far as the do's are concerned. When you are really angry with your partner. Count
to 10 before you say anything
		

			to 10
		

			The minute you count to 10
		

			that the buildup of frustration, some have done it to a certain extent. And then you speak to your
partner and say, specifically, what is irritating you, honey, I really like you. And I like us to
have meals together. It just frustrates me that you come late. You don't even tell me why you come
in late. And I have the food ready for you. And I'm been waiting for you all day. Now you come you
don't message you come late. So you have been specific, instead of, you know, taking the silent
treatment. The husband walks in house. Yeah. Nice trying to fish out what happened?
		

			Well, you're not talking. What's wrong.
		

			So that is not wrong. That is not right. You have to speak, you have to be specific. When you are
specific about your frustration, you are helping your partner not to repeat the same mistake in
future because they know specifically that this irritates them and it kicks it kicks the sanity out
of them. So if you're going to want to silent treatment, your husband is going to do it again or
your wife is going to do it again, again and again. And they don't see themselves doing anything
wrong. It's because they are not guided, they are not told they are not shown what they are doing
wrong. So it's important that we offend them frustration, but we do it in a dignified manner. Do it
		

			nicely, say it nicely, nothing wrong. And I always say to couples, if you are unable to communicate
your feelings and your needs verbally to each other and you will feel that you will lose control of
yourself. I say to them, use WhatsApp, use email, use the social platforms that you have, because
you will express yourself better. So the second myth today we discuss is a good partner does not
express anger when he or she is upset. That is wrong. That is a myth. There is a misconception.
Yeah, previously there was the scenario that the husband if he got angry, nobody must say anything.
Even if he is wrong. Yeah, even if he's wrong. You mustn't say anything. You mustn't say anything to
		

			you mustn't say oh, you mustn't do anything to anger him further. That is the wrong way of
approaching things. Because you cannot use your temper. Every time to bail yourself out of the
situation. Don't make me angry. Don't make me angry. Hello, you're wrong, my brother. You're wrong,
you're wrong. Don't use your temper as an excuse to cover for your faults. That is totally wrong.
Many people use that approach. May the Almighty Allah give us the understanding.