Habib Bobat – Myth 1 A Good Partner Always Puts His Or Her Spouse’s Needs First

			In this segment, I'd like to tackle some of the myths that are out there, some of the misconceptions
that we have in our marriages, and some of the theories that we need to debunk, inshallah. So the
first myth, or the first misunderstanding that we have in our marriages Is that a good partner
always puts his or her spouses need first.
		

			That's the misconception, you know, a good partner always put his or her spouse's needs first.
		

			Now, that is a myth. And that is a misunderstanding. It is a misconception. The reason why I say so
is that because if you are always going to put your partner in front of you and ahead of you in
everything, and you are going to trample upon your own needs, and you're going to say, No, I'm not
going to worry about my needs. As long as my partner's needs are being fulfilled, I'm happy. What
will happen is that it's going to lead to frustration, you're going to become resentful of your
partner, and it's going to hurt your marriage. And what happens is that your feelings and your
emotions and your need, they start to bottle up, and they bottle up and bottle up and bottle up. And
		

			then you'll see suddenly, after two years or three years of marriage, wow, a big bang. And then the
husband things a Where did they come from? Or the wife things or where did it come from? Well,
that's the frustration that has been piling up. And it has been escalating for the past few years,
over the past few months. So the healthier option is always to keep the partnership in front, not my
needs or your needs. It's about keeping the partnership in front. And the reason why I say it's not
healthy to always allow your partner to have his way or her way is because you are training him to
say that your needs are more important. My needs are not important. And that means you must do
		

			whatever you have to do to achieve your needs and fulfill your needs, even if it be at the expense
of my needs. So can you understand that? And I mean, after all, it's a mutual relationship between
husband and wife. And we both want our needs to be fulfilled. And we both want our needs to be
achieved in that relationship. But when one partner selfishly only looks at his needs, or her needs,
and at the expense of the other partner partners need, then it leads to frustration.
		

			So there's a function coming this weekend. So my husband, Desmond says, I'm going I'm sorry, I
can't, I can't stay at home to babysit for the kids. I know, you know, the function is important to
you. But I'm sorry, I've got a cricket game to go and
		

			go and play. So I can come. And the wife says, okay, you know, the dutiful partner, okay, honey, no
problem, I won't go. You can go play cricket, it's more important.
		

			The family wedding coming next, the week after it.
		

			The husband says I don't want to go because I've got some other errands to to fulfill and to finish.
So the wife says again, okay, honey, no problem. So what happens is that there's emotional
withdrawal from the partner. And when there's emotional withdrawal in that marriage, then heads for
the rock. And there could be serious tension in the, in the marriage really.
		

			And
		

			that's one thing. The other thing is you are training your partner, by every time you're given in
your training your partner to do what he wants, or what she wants. I just gave an example of the
wife. It doesn't mean it doesn't happen the other way around. It does happen. But it will take up
all our time. If we're going to give you an example of both sides, I'm just going to suffice on one
side. And obviously you must apply to the opposite gender as well. So if you are always going to be
given into your partner's demands and to your partner's needs, you are training them to say that my
needs are not important and your needs are more important. And when you're training them for a year
		

			or two, a few years or five years or 10 years, then just say after seven years you decide to speak
out and you decide to speak up and you say enough is enough.
		

			It's gonna come as a shocker to the opposite person is like, but all the years we did not have a
problem. I always thought I could do whatever I wanted. I never see the issue from your side and now
suddenly just bringing up the past and etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, it becomes ugly. So what I'm
saying to the couples is that they need to work together they have to compromise together. If the
husband is playing cricket every weekend, he doesn't have to cut it out totally. what he needs to do
is one weekend for the wife, one weekend for cricket, one weekend for the wife one week for the
cricket. And in that way, both are winning. Likewise, the wife also needs to understand, not every
		

			weekend it's only my baby
		

			So my parents, my parents, my parents, then if the husband gives in, it will be good in the
starting. But then it will become difficult for them both to keep up with a commitment. So rather
you say one week we go one week, we take a breather, one week we go one week, we take a breather, in
a way everybody's happy. So that's called coming here meeting in the middle, not my site, not your
site, but rather in the middle, and we compromise on both sides. But if it's only done one sided,
that every weekend, I'm going to go for my game, I don't care. It's the tournament, it's the league,
I have to play. And if you sideline and remember, your partner, will withdraw from you emotionally.
		

			And likewise, from the husband and the wife side also, that every every week we're going to go, then
that's also a bit selfish on her side. So we have to play the game fairly. And we have to cater for
each other's needs. It's not going to work out 100% for both of us, but we can meet in the middle.
That's what I'm saying to you. So the first myth that we discussed today is that a good partner
always puts his or her spouse's needs first. That is a myth. There is a misunderstanding, doesn't
work in the real world. It might work in the fairy tales and there, but not in the real world. Let's
get practical about that. So if a person is keeper, if a person is continuously doing that, then
		

			it's going to lead to frustration. It's going to lead to resentment. It's going to hurt your
marriage. It's going to bottle up your feelings. And when you do explode, my oh my you're going to
explode fairy fairy wild. And trust me, I've seen it in my life. And it's not a pleasant sight to be
it because it goes crazy. And they want to literally take each other apart. But little do they
realize that the problems the solution to their problems can be found easily if they work together.