Fatima Barkatulla – Family Visioning – With Love & Mercy
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of being a "monster" in relationships and maintaining healthy healthy relationships. They emphasize the need for deliberate behavior and setting boundaries to achieve success. The speakers stress the importance of having a vision for the future and being mindful of one's vision. They recommend a book on Seven habits of successful Families to help individuals write a vision and share their accomplishments. Regular family meetings and appraising progress are essential for improving one's family.
AI: Summary ©
We'll breeze you around the mod to the sunset in the evening.
When I'm drowning,
in the deepest, darkest ocean, we'll pray.
salat wa salam, ala rasulillah.
dear sisters,
love your
family.
When you first got married, I'm assuming most of you are married or thinking of getting married. When you first get married, you are literally entering into a new creative state.
In fact, I can't think of any union or any stage of life that is as symbolic of being creative as marriage, you are literally going to be a couple that brings forth life and charma create a creative force that las panatela has put within you new life, a new culture.
What do I mean by new culture?
Whether you and your husband are from the same culture or not, you know, even if he's from a different culture, or if you're from the same culture, the fact that you're brought up by different parents means that you both come from different cultural backgrounds. What that means is that once you come together, you have the opportunity now for a new culture, your own family culture,
a new legacy, it's the opportunity to create a new legacy.
So that your children, what you as a family unit build together will one day benefit you in your
life. Sometimes we belittle the legacy and the power of what our children lost to such a degree.
We're not aware of it at all a sister just a few weeks ago,
she said to me, I know children, you know, Mashallah. They bring a lot of joy. And, you know, but
why should I have more children?
And she was just not feeling very motivated to have any more children.
And I just thought to myself, somehow that like, is it that we are not talking about this enough? Is it the whole world keeps telling us about all the different things we could do to build a legacy to such an extent that we no longer talk about
a family raising a human being being the ultimate legacy. And I had to mention to her the very famous Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, which I'm sure you are all aware of, that when a person passes away, all of their deeds are core topics that fall through, right? And tell me what the three things are, that continue to benefit us even after we die.
knowledge that he taught or he left behind, that continues to benefit
your children that you leave behind you make bar for you.
So that's
the one that we're going to focus on is the child who prays for you, you know, so Pamela, it's not even just that the child is the most likely person to pray for you, have you passed away, but every single good deed that that child does, every single time our children recite sorts of fatherhood, and messala the sort of fatherhood that you told them every single time they behave in a way that they learn from you.
So Pamela, you're getting more for that. even beyond our grades, we're going to get more for that.
And then their children and everything that they teach them, you know, that's gonna continue to benefit us and then their children and their children. So on normal tianma in sha Allah will be turning up.
Scared, worried. And Allah subhanaw taala will have a huge pile of good deeds 1000s of rows, maybe millions 1000s of hedge, maybe millions fast, and we're gonna look at one of them. We're gonna say
I didn't do all of that.
I didn't do all of that.
And it will be sent to us. But it's it was your child and their children and then their children. So Pamela, if we were to live 1000 years, can you imagine you have your own little nation, right? that exists here in the UK. My parents have only been here since the 70s. And they've got a little mini nation now, with their children all having children, and it just grows exponentially. I used to be so lonely, you can probably relate to this, your parents, or your grandparents, they were really lonely when they came here.
Probably most of us grew up without any family around, didn't have aunties, uncles, they move back in some country, right. And now, just one or two generations later, it's like, you can't keep up with your relatives.
You can't visit all your brothers and sisters, you get a bit tired of them as well, you know, all the cousins and
look how exponentially the blessing of children grows. So that is the one thing that we as women need to bear in mind, because society is not going to tell us that society won't tell us that it doesn't tell us to value our children.
So entering marriage is the ultimate creative state.
That means you get a chance to create something new, you know, and that's one of the great blessings isn't it?
You know, a lot out of the way he's created this world, there's constant renewal, constantly,
you know, people are passing away, new ones are being born. And with that every generation moves forward and forward and forward. And progress takes place. So in all of that is so much hit them up, if only we were to pay attention.
So you have a chance as the person as one of the creative forces within a marriage, to create a vision for that marriage and for that family. And perhaps for the little oma, that you will be the head of
one of the things you have to bear in mind is that everything that isn't maintained, goes downhill, right? Sure, you've experienced that, you know, we experienced that with our bodies, right?
Anything that isn't maintained, if you don't keep on top of it, they'll keep on top of the healthy diet, the exercise and, or even, you know, the beauty treatments, or taking care of yourself taking care of your house, don't take care of things. What happens to them
before the fall, right? Slowly but surely there's decay. That's just like the nature of, of this world.
And the marriage, and building a family is just the same.
If you don't maintain it, you don't invest in it. If you don't have a vision for it, if you don't keep nurturing it, the decay will set in and slowly but surely, things will start falling apart.
So why, why? Why do we need to know this? Why is this important?
If you look at in the Quran, even the Prophet Ibrahim alayhis salam, he had a vision for his family. So just imagine, not only did he have vision he had imagination. I think we can learn a lot from that. Because just imagine this, he is standing in the middle of the desert,
with his son, his mind,
his only son at the time, I believe,
or at least his only son in that part of the world. And both of them are building this Kaaba, the building discover.
There's no one really to come to the Kaaba, but they're building it anyway. Because Allah commanded them to. And while they're doing that,
what is Ibrahim Alayhi Salam doing? He's being very imaginative. And he's making the art and he's spelling out his vision. And so Allah Subhana Allah tells us in the Quran, and sort of a Quran What is your Ibrahim al amin and at what is my Robin as a Papa Mina in a cancer similarly rapana which are mostly mainly laka Ria Tina mata muslimah Tilak arena sikhala to Ballina
Tata wearable Rahim.
Refer now whenever I see him Rasulullah Minh home, yes Lu la chica limo Kitab al hikma will use a key him in a candle as usual Hakeem in these beautiful three out of the Quran, Allah. Allah shows us how Ibrahim Alayhi Salam set out his vision for his family. And he asked a lot, that that vision would come to reality. He said if Allah subhanaw taala tells us and when Ibrahim and his son were building the house, they were laying the foundations of the house. They said Rob Bennett Koppelman Allah accept this from us this thing that we're doing except it from us in the cannabis community indeed you are but all hearing that all knowledgeable.
Rhonda now what do you own now mostly mainly lacquer. Oh Allah make us to Muslims make us those who submit to you.
woman's Ria Tina Mata Muslim Allah and from our progeny from our children. Make a nation he said a nation of Muslims. For you those who submit to you what a nominal second I want to Ballina and show us how to do our rituals of Hajj
what to the Elena And forgive us in the ancestor wabo Rahim Verily, you are the old forgiving the All Merciful. And then they carried on making they said, rock by now what I see him Rasulullah Minho. Oh Allah, our Lord, send for them
or send from them from amongst them a messenger from you. Yet Zulu la him a seeker who will recite your words to them while you are Lima who will kita and will teach them the book? And we know the book, which is the Quran
while hikma what is the key him in the
game, and that will will teach them hikma wisdom
and will purify them. Verily You are the supreme and the all wise and suparna law in answer to the daughter of Ibrahim, Allah subhanaw taala sent of Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to that nation. He was the result that Ibrahim alayhis salam prayed for. He came with the three things and Kitab while hikma were to purify them and Saskia
the Kitab being the Quran, the hikma the wisdom being the Sunnah of the messenger, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
and purification being you know the purification of the soul that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam taught us with his actions and with his behavior. So you see my sisters, and you imagine the daughter of a of an old man
in a salon in the middle of a desert with his son, where he can't really imagine his his progeny and his, you know, his his future, progeny being anything
came true in such a spectacular way, in a spectacular way. In fact, we are benefiting from the dog, Brian, I think about it. Yeah, that messenger came, he taught us and we're here today, as you know, muslimeen in sha Allah and also to the dog, Brian and a seller.
So the Quran encourages us to have vision, it encourages us to make the awful things that seem impossible for things that seem amazing. Right, just like Ibrahim Ali Salaam, did, the Quran encourages encourages us to make the dog Ravana habla Miller's word, you know, Maria, Tina,
to feel
that, Oh Allah make make us, Atlanta, Georgia made for us, from our spouses and our children. The coolness of our eyes make them the coolness of our eyes. And the scholars said, the coolness of the eyes. Some some of the, you know, people they ask some of the scholars is this coolness of the eyes that we get on the day of judgment? And they said, No, this coolness of the eyes. Of course in on the Day of Judgment, you would get coolness of the eyes from your children as well. But this coolness of the eyes is the peace and the happiness that a parent feels when they see their children and their spouses obeying a love column. And isn't that we all dream of.
All this effort we're putting into our little ones what what do we want to see at the end? We want to see them worshiping Allah when they grow up.
And then at the end of the day, which Sakina mama and make us leaders make us imams
of the righteous subpanel of those who have Taqwa.
So straightaway on last word of Allah is encouraging us in the Quran, to have high aids, right? to think big to think of our children as something big, bigger than what they are at the moment as leaders. And what does it mean to be a leader,
to be a leader means you have to be at the top of your game. So right at the beginning, you're asking a lot to make your child a role model,
make your family a role model family, the other people when they look at you, they see you as leaders, they want to follow your way they want to copy you.
And that is not going to happen through complacency and without some vision.
So what do we need to do?
What do we need to do?
We need to become very deliberate about the things that we do and our Deen encourages us to do that encourages us to have intentions, and what are intentions except having visions, right, you have a vision for the future, you have an intention for the way your family is going to be the way your marriage is going to be, the way you're going to show up as a family in this world, and how people are going to experience you, right.
So some of the means that I would take
to do this are first of all, we need to sit by ourselves. And we need to take account of our own where we are right now, right where you are as a person right now. And where you want to be.
And then after that, you need to have that same kind of meeting with your husband.
Okay, where you both sit together, and you think about and talk about and thrash out? What kind of family do we want? What is the guiding light for our family, and SubhanAllah. so few people do this. And that's why what happens,
because you've never spelt out verbally together, and made that intention that the purpose of our family is to serve Allah, the purpose of our life and our family is to get to john, we want to get to john that we want to do everything that it takes to please ally in any given situation, because we never spell that out. When hardship comes and hits us. Right? When the inevitable suffering and hardship of this world comes in hits us what happens when the tests see us, we fall apart. We don't know which way to go. Everyone's going in different directions, people are falling apart, they don't know that they're giving up. They're willing to just leave it now. Forget it. It's too difficult. We
weren't meant to be together, etc, etc, etc.
And that happens. Because
when those hardships hit, that's when you need your vision the most, you need your vision, because so Pamela, if you lose a child, and it hurts you, you feel like your whole life is going to end.
What's going to sustain you. If it's not that you're both on the same page. And you know what the purpose of this life is and the way that you had intended to head.
If you if you never knew that in the first place, then the big tests of life are gonna throw you off track.
So it's really important as a couple to sit down and throw out a vision for your life, one book that I will recommend to you is, and this will help you to write a vision. And you need to do that as a couple first before you bring the kids in
before you bring them on board with this. And that is the seven habits of highly successful families. So this isn't in that same group of books as the seven habits, you know, by Stephen Covey. This is the family version. You've got to read it's such an excellent book, Mashallah. And within it, you'll find how to write a vision, or I think there's a link in there that shows you how to write a vision online.
And you need to do that as a couple and spell it out.
Then you need to have regular family meetings with your kids, especially as they get older, maybe not when they're very young.
But at least, you know, by the time they're 10, definitely should start having family meetings. And I would say as a minimum once a year, if not twice. And what would you do in those family meetings.
So in those family meetings, you spend a little bit of time re
expressing what your family vision is, you know, if it doesn't get said, it won't go into the kids,
you know.
So it's really important that they're on board as well, that they're on board.
In those meetings, you would go through each person in the room, and you talk about what have you achieved in the past year?
And get into that habit, what have we achieved in the past yet, just name three things, three things so we can feel good, we don't just want to feel negative about ourselves and what we haven't achieved, we want to feel good about the things that we have achieved and integrate those. And, you know, you might have to sit there with a diary and write this out, you know, but it's such a meaningful exercise, because it allows each person in the family to stop taking stock of their year. So you write down what have we achieved this year, each person? What are some of the memories from this year that were really great, you know, and get people to talk about those so that as a family,
you become grateful, and gratitude becomes a norm.
And then each person
gets a chance to express what have been some of the challenges they face this year,
that they need to share with the family. Okay. Now, if it's a very personal thing, I would say you have one to ones with each child. But if it's something to do with the family, you literally ask the question,
what is good about our family? And you talk about that? And what are some of the things that we need to improve as a family. So it could be that one child notices that, you know, the family, the profanity in the family has increased, right? swearing,
right, or, you know, somebody's not feeling good. So somebody's not experiencing this family in the positive way that you might be thinking is somebody feeling bullied, somebody feeling left out, somebody feeling ignored, that space is a chance for them to be able to share that.
For them to be able to say, I don't like it, mom and dad, when you argue in front of me.
I don't like it when this happens. And you allow that to be a free space, even though you feel like you feel like diminishing what they say right? And is not like that. Bad. You feel like saying that to them. But don't do that. Resist that temptation, allow them the space, because if we don't allow them the space, and they won't share what's really on their mind.
So
what's an all you sit there and you listen to your children complaining about everything that they think is wrong, right. And you also have your own list, right? For example, there's too much burden on one person in the house, maybe, you know, certain people are not doing the chores, whatever it is, right? You get to spell it out as well. And in that annual meeting, you set new intentions. And you get them to say those intentions and agree to those intentions.
And then you go around the room and you ask each person to spell out three goals of this year.
three goals, three things they want to be able to say they achieved by the time of the next meeting. And that's why you've got to write it down, because otherwise, everyone forgets those words. And also, you can whip that diary out again in a year's time, and you can bring everybody to account including yourself.
So, three things. The reason why I mentioned three is because I found that with teenagers, they some reason can't think of more than that. So, three seems like a good number, you know, but you personally might have most, you know, you and your husband, you can go through different areas of your life, financial life, our marriage, you know, marriage goals, our family goals, our extended family goals. You know, you can write down your goals as a sister, you know, to your siblings, your goals as an auntie, you know, maybe that's an area that might be neglected if you're not intentional about it, right? All these areas need nurturing, right? My dad, he always says to us, love has
little compartments. Love has little compartments. And there's different compartment compartments for different people. Have a love for your mother, you have a love for your father, you have a love for your siblings, a certain type of love for your friends. And all those little compartments need something to be put inside them. Yeah. So that we don't end up neglecting.
So we do that we mentioned three goals that we want.
have achieved by the end of the day, it can be simple things like, I want to pass my exams, I want to get into a good university, I want to get into a good secondary school, whatever it is, you know, make three things, then at the end of the year, they can look back and think, yeah, I did that. I did that. And then they'll get into that habit of succeeding, right? And setting goals and succeeding and setting goals and succeeding, include in that vision,
the feelings that you as a family want to have, what kind of a culture do we want to have, we want to have a loving culture, we want to be people who value people, not technology and things, right. That's something that ends up happening, we start becoming the sorts of people whose children don't care about family members, they care more about the things that those family members will buy them, or hate. We don't want that we need to become intentional about that and highlight that to our kids know, those gifts are more important than just a symbol. What's important is the person
talk about that kind of atmosphere you want to have in your house, is your house becoming a place of anger is it becoming a place where people are becoming complacent about Salah
is one of the things you want to make a must in your family that you pray and Gemma, most of the solos, as if people are at home, you know those sorts of things, it takes a bit of time takes a bit of thought. But it's really worth it, it's really worth it.
Think about the rules that you want to have as a family and the manners that you want, as a family to have.
My sisters, if we don't
become intentional, we don't sit down and write a vision for our family, we don't at least think about it and set it out,
then we may store our problems for the future.
How many marriages
started off great.
You know, they were great. Even when you made the first child, it was great. But by the third, fourth child, you know,
too much neglect has caused a rock to set in.
And that's because we never gave it the time, we never nurtured it. So with your spouse needs to become intentional, at least once a week, at least, I would say one hour or one and a half hours needs to be spent just talking about
the routine, you know what's going to happen, the planning for the week, etc. Right? So that's kind of like the admin, right? At least one hour needs to needs to take place every week, that is admin.
And then Aside from that, you need to shedule in time, and it has to be scheduled in because I shouldn't say scheduled, right. It should be scheduled in that you have certain time that is just for you. You enhance
that you don't talk about the worries of the world and don't talk about the kids. And you just get to connect just for connection just to have that frivolous chat, you know, go away, have some have a drink together something you know, do something that's just for you.
And if you can do that overnight, I know this is easier said than done.
But you know, when we really want to do something, we managed to do it right, we managed to find the childcare when we really want to do something. So I think when it comes to marriage, this is one of the most important things that we should be able to find helpful. So if you need to get somebody to look after the kids do it that have times when you and your husband are alone together might as well, right? You need that regularly. If you can't do it every month, let's start off with four times a year. Let's then build it up to more than that, you know, if you really want to do it, you could do it. And it's really worth it. Because unfortunately, as the years go by what happens
you can very easily start drifting apart.
Because you just haven't spent that time together, you haven't fed the marriage.
So make sure that that is a very important and it's not selfish, it's actually maintenance for the family. Because your children are going to be so much better off when they have happy parents. And they have parents who are connected or not fighting all the time and don't seem to be on different paths. So that's why it's worth it. It's worth putting that effort and
if we don't do this, we could end up in different destinations, to our spouses. Because life is tough. You know, if you live
long enough, most of us will face tests.
And without something, a guidance start to focus on without a vision for our families, it's too difficult.
It's too difficult to recalibrate yourself and get back on track after those tough times.
So in summary, sisters, self reflection, having those moments of self reflection, where you literally spell out all the different roles that you have in life, including being a sister, including being a friend. And you literally write what your vision is for each of those.
And then your vision as a couple, spend that time thinking about it together and spelling it out. Then as a family, having regular meetings, and regularly appraising how good it's going, which things you fell short on. Even if every year you make the same promise, and then I needed the same intention, and then it keeps falling. Get back on track because you're teaching your kids, you're teaching your kids a very valuable lesson that we made the intention, we didn't quite get there. But we can at least improve. Every year we can at least improve, we can continue having that intention.
And then
you have your vision, but then you also have goals, regular goals along the way to that vision.
And a very important part of that is constantly appraising, meaning that you then ask yourself, did we?
Did we meet our goals or did we not? That's very important because it's very easy to set out a vision and then not account yourself for it's just written in some book somewhere, right.
And then based on that you adjust, keep adjusting your vision and keep adjusting your goals as the circumstances change. And in sha Allah on the Day of Judgment,
hopefully, we will get the credit. as mothers as the ones who are the visionaries of our families, we will get the credit for the little forma that will result from our project in Sharla and all the good that will come from that
and short in love with that. I will leave you