Channel: Edris Khamissa
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70 minutes after 11 Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh Eleanor Sadler Norma haben Welcome to our musharakah lady Islam international a very very warm welcome to our home. And a special very warm welcome to our guest, Dr. Idris camisa. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh My beloved molana cdmi Habibi slowly come over you.
Can you please my How are you keeping? I'm wonderful. I'm sitting in the studio, radio Islam is almost I'm sitting on your lap monana
hope I hope I could have been there just to be with you in the studio. And it's so nice to meet you visiting major Islam nombre de la This is my home, you know, radio Islam is my home. And I support the initiative of Reggio, Islam hamdulillah. And may the presenters made the program's continued to inspire the oma to heal the oma and that we as a collective when they also individually and organizationally, we learn to heal the hearts to forgive, so that everyday we reminded about our purpose.
in lenasia, for the program, no, I've come here monana a few things. I've, I've come here to do some work Indonesia, there's some counseling that I'm going to do. And I've got about three other couples I need to see. And I came in yesterday morning, shall I go back on Sunday, the Sunday I got some work to do Alhamdulillah
it's interesting to hear it this way. Perhaps just recalling some of the cases that you've dealt with and some things that we can take some lessons from inshallah. Yeah. And under the law, you know, monana, the What can I say? I want to start off by saying that,
if I were to look at the issues that I'm dealing with, the issues are becoming increasingly
difficult, more complex. And what is worse, is becoming very, very shocking.
You know, it's unbelievable, what is happening with the oma, I'll just share with you a few examples. And inshallah we'll take it from there. The One example is this, a, I got a call from a mother, who is unhappy that the Son has a girlfriend, and he wants to meet with her. And she says to me, do I not have a right to tell my son it is wrong, you know? Yes, you have a right to say that. But the critical thing, remember this for all parents, that if you have not asserted yourself, at a very tender age, at a young age to let your children know that you are the mother, you are the father, these are the values. And if you have not done that, and then when the kids are 1920, to
assert your parents would assert your right over them, becomes increasingly increasingly difficult. So I would like you know, I My heart goes out to that lady, and I'm sure that many parents are going through the same kind of challenge. But it is a fundamental, it is imperative, that we understand that when children are growing up in the placid and malleable, it's a time for us to assert ourselves, to inspire them, values to instill in them, what we regard regard as wholesome value. So that's one area of concern. The second area of concern that I need to share with you
is the fact that when you speak to people, many people I speak to very, very concerned about the work ethic of our children. The attitude towards schoolwork, the attitude towards life. And that is also a matter of very, very grave concern that the teachers, the parents headmaster's the community at large are finding it very, very hard, especially to inspire our boys especially to adopt a very, very serious attitude. So that the second one, the third issue, that seems to be a commonplace issue, is the whole issue of the misuse of the cell phone.
This is becoming really we speak about it on was quite regularly. It's
Something we speak about our nauseum is the fact that you know how this has impacted on relationships at home is effected on marriage, it gets to become so addictive, that people find it difficult to have a face to face conversation. So these are three areas and the other areas in marriage, I don't want to speak about it over the radio, because they are extremely, extremely extremely sensitive issues. And the people involved in it might be listening for a program, I do not want to betray that trust, but I'll be meeting with me shall just make one inshallah, that enable Allah's blessing to get the couples reconnected to get them connected to their parents with these
forgiveness and people move on. And, and that to me is important.
Insha Allah subhanaw taala make it easy in Allah subhanho wa Taala guide you and grant you the wisdom to assist those people who are in need and to solve the issues that they are facing. Welcome to our listeners as well you most welcome to join in the conversation on zero double 18541548 you can call in as well to speak to our case study this recording number and 11854 and 548 speak to our guests these limits you can SMS as well as 0731738461 WhatsApp you can use the same number also you can email donate to sabotage emails.com and you can tweet me on at zoom just that u n j s and in Sharma has usually will leave it out on a
we speaking about social issues with disease by emphasis, Lee occasional hamdulillah disease by using our live studios in Malaysia where I'm sitting in our ermelo Studios, but it seems like we are almost together. But it is my inshallah continuing with our discussion starting off with the third issue first misuse of the cell phone abuse of the cell phone, as the technology becomes more encroaching into our lives becomes more a part of our lives with things we would wish which we would do on our own, and without the need for the cell phone. And now suddenly we are we find ourselves dependent on this technology. Together with that it's encroaching on our social lives, and losing
our parenting through each and every part of our lives. And perhaps that is one of the main reasons that the cell phone is causing such a horrible phenomenon. In fact, molana I mean, what is very sad that
we are today, you know, as I'm sitting here at the radio Islam studio, I'm reflecting on number of things, that today's what has happened, it's our complete inversion of values. Gone are the days where the children would never ever want to make their parents unhappy.
Children showed a lot of respect, even if our parents at times, were not worthy of that respect. There was a society that also upheld some universal values. But things have changed is a complete complete inversion.
Today's kids a no and they really and my heart goes out to them anyway. They judge the appearance by the material things they give them. And one thing that they say to them, you know what I my daddy loves me because he gives me a cell phone. And this is it. You know, my mommy loves you forgive my cell phone. Now children are too young and naive to handle
all the apps in the cell phone they go far beyond the normal phone call or sending a innocuous SMS and message. And not only that, you know, it's we as parents, ourselves are very, very poor example God worthy of the highest emulation and children mimic adult behavior that this is encroach into our life. We are living in this virtual world 24 hours a day. You go to people's homes, they write on the walls they eating the phones are there on the site, and they respond to the phone calls. They do a whole range of things right. Now what is fundamental for me is that we need
to look at creative ways of getting engendering participation in the life at home, getting them involved with the meaningful hobbies and deliberate time when they can use his cell phones but what is happening is this the kind of
insidious messages, salacious images that people send to each other
is creating a real, real problem.
And, and I think you know what this is, to me a disease. A disease is a pandemic alcoholic, it's worth, you know that if we are not going to stem the tide, if we are not going to say something, I remember reading an article, I think I mentioned this, he was one chap, a non Muslim guy, he was great to his friends to have
dinner somewhere overseas, that he said yes to a toilet, and lo and behold, his phone fell into the system. And then he says, You know what, that was the biggest blessing in my life. He said, I enjoyed the dinner completely, you know, focusing on my friends, I enjoy everything. And since then, although he bought a new cell phone, he's become very, very disciplined, he realized there is a time and place for it, that the phone must be used for functional purposes, it must not be there to intrude and show a lack of social etiquette. And the term the phone is off. he engages with his family, he connects with them. And as a result, they also had to follow suit in the sense and
emulate is a wonderful example. And I think that you know, it's not a babysitter, because what parents must realize that a kid that is involved with the cell phone, and is especially He has also other internet access, and so on and so forth, that this young boy growing up, may be downloading pornographic material, maybe talking to strangers, that have evil machinations. So I think that is something that we need to understand. And suddenly you realize, before you know it, the same child that was placid and innocent and innocuous, are just things that gives you a shock of your life in terms of vulgarity, the kind of abuse, the kind of defiance, he shows, now, the notion that many
parents have that, well, my son or daughter will never ever do this, you know, he's such an angel, you know, and yet you find that they are very, very serious, serious repercussions. And I would like parents, so and they even young boys and girls to phone us. And to say otherwise. To say that the cell phone for young people is imperative is a fundamental acquisition. And that kids should be given this
involvement that we have as adults with our cell phones and how we've become it has become so intertwined in our lives, that if you tell me if you look at the whole of lady's thumb, just around you, just the studio,
the computers, the people working, the research, everything that is being done, through the internet, through the technology that is given that we use the us realize that the technology really takes you places and it makes things happen. And it is through the means of this technology, that another Allah has blessed us with it. And we are able to reach people who are listening to us right now perhaps there are many people who have raised some even playing on their cell phones right now. And other things through to Lady stem through cell phones. But
yet, this very same tool in our hands can be abused. So it doesn't so much depend on the knife, or the sword, but it depends on the favor of the sword, the person who was using it, and what do you think should they use it with and what they use it for? You know, that's such a valid point that we do not argue against this, the benefits that accrue from technology is immeasurable. They made this world such a small place, it's like a portable universe, you can switch from one country to the other. There is so much of information, a plethora of information from the Islamic sciences in a knowledge basis or a whole range of things. There are so many wonderful things that are taking
place. But the same token you got to understand that it requires also a kind of self discipline. Once you go beyond the border, then you might be encroaching to an area that is so salacious, so seductive and alluring that you get into that. It's almost like a never ending.
An advocate that you go through and as a result, erodes your morality and everything else that goes with it. So I think what it really is
speaks about his effect that we as adults, for we need to also become conversant with this technology, we should be able to access the technology whenever you want to, if your children have got their own computers, that means that must have that understanding. So I think parents role becomes increasingly far more important, far more critical, because in essence, the long and short of it all, without children do not have to leave home for the minds to be polluted and change. They can stay at home, sit back, relax in the confines of the room, have access to all the filth, the pornography and a whole range of things, and talking to people whom they should be never talking to
getting involved in cyber bullying in cyber immorality, and that is so important. And then parents are often surprised at the outcome. And you know, what, the numbers are increasing about young people involved with all of this, we need to also acknowledge those parents Alhamdulillah we are not yet to tie the end tribute for abrade parents, we need to also acknowledge those individual parents who really take a very keen and active role in the parenting of the children who participate with them love with them love for them at this point also for me monana is that you know, we have lost the fun in Islam. We have forgotten that Islam does not deny that you should have some fun long as
doesn't take you away from the Quran and Sunnah, that we made Islam, a religion of utter, utter seriousness, there is no modicum of joy. And so we need to really re invent ourselves and to make sure that our home is a century with his love and affection Shall
we bring Mr. 26 minutes to 12 we're going to take a short break and inshallah when we come back, we will continue with this discussion. listeners are welcome to SMS any questions that they have to 0731738461 Stay tuned for our mastery club maybe Islam international
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Welcome back to Islam International. And it is my welcome back to you Alhamdulillah. Sir, good to hear you, sir. Good to hear you. It is the second issue that you spoke about with schoolwork and
this interest in completing and doing schoolwork? Well, what's what's the underlying factors there? See, I think one of the things that
people need to bear in mind is that once you can, all of us can argue that long term schooling, it does not really change attitudes and values, one could really have an argument for that. But the benefits that can accrue from schooling a tremendous etc, discipline punctuality, working in a team and a whole range of things. Now, you find that, especially now,
whenever you talk to teachers, you find many of them complain that you know, what boys or boys, you find that the attitude towards schoolwork is becoming?
One that is really a cause for real concern.
On one area, there is atmosphere of flippancy atmosphere for quality and if you know, the attitude is, you know, why should I study and you find the parents I you know, for what it is that they find it very difficult to to exert the authority, and parents need to play a very critical role. And the role they can play is to ensure the create a culture at home with these strong work ethic days are a daily routine, where they promote things like reading and a whole range of things. And, and to allow children to do things unabated. And to say, No, they are young, and they growing up and leave them alone. And you find that this is really a recipe for disaster. And there has to be consequences,
accountability, because our children, the full time stuff is going to school. So they got no reason whatsoever, not to adopt the right kind of attitudes. I mean, I know that you know, a few people might phone in pournami at school that I was very, very playful at school, right? But I was I don't think I was disrespectful. And I did anyway, sometime in my scholastic career, to take it seriously enough to change my own attitudes. And I attribute a lot of that to my loving parents and to some very inspirational and dynamic teachers who were patient with me for persevered with me and who believed in me, and that's one area but the second critical aspect molana and I'll end it off here
is that said do teachers themselves have become a many of them or without generalizing, I don't want someone to take exceptional umbrage is the fact that they are not inspirational, because today, you got to really look at your methodology with children, you need and they say, you know, you cannot,
you know, in a sense, motivate 1000s of people, you can do it one at a time. And you can only do it one day time is on who will allow you seldom knew exactly what was in the hearts and minds of each of the Sahaba. So the teachers themselves need, you know, to engage children in a meaningful way. I was speaking to someone last night at a function. And I said to him, a teacher should have six critical things, right, I'm just talking about Muslim teachers. Firstly, he needs to love Allah. He needs to love Nabi sallallahu, wasallam he needs to love children. He needs to love excellence, he needs to love creativity, and he needs to love you know, growing up and learning more and more about
what he is doing. To me these six qualities are fundamental, because I know that while some children are uninspired, they lack motivation. In most of the teachers class for these one teacher, one teacher in that school, who knows exactly how to deal with them. He they say laughter lubricates life is human in his classroom. He also understands that the teacher is not a sage on the stage with a guide on the side is able to impact on them, get to know them and inspire them. And I think that's important because we are losing a whole generation of young people. And besides this, you know, we as Muslims were born to contribute. We are born to be producers, not consumers. We are born to be
leaders. There is no place for mediocrity. So if we can create that automatic consciousness for each child, I think it makes a huge difference.
In this way, on the other side of it,
you know, the sheer amount of work that children are given, and the type of life that we have structured for them with school, and with all of the other activities. Doesn't that because it's so much isn't that sort of thing children away from wanting to learn? Yes, they are those that are affected by it. In fact, these a great book
I've been reading and I still got it wrong is called under pressure, you know, way people say we have taken the childhood out of a child, where everything is about achievement is about success. It's about you know, working hard, or the homework, tuition, a whole range of things, that therefore, it is not surprising that so many young people today often talking about stress in the formative years of schooling, it's about, you know, it's about how you manage the time. And I think also schools themselves need to realize is not about the quantity of homework that is going to really effect positive changes is also going to be about the quality of the work is not about how
much of the assessment is also about the quality of assessment. And therefore you find that the, in Finland, they've got the recipe, right, Finland has about the top educational system in the world, they are not talking about in a V sadly, do not understand the prophetic model. But the Finnish schools, you know, they start formal education, the age of seven, and that is so Islamic, right. And by the time the kids are 10, they have overtaken most of the countries and, and the database system is brilliant. Because it's not about homework only. It's about sensory perception is about kids involved with Alas, creation. It's about outdoor activities, and a whole range of things. And the
point that you make is a very, very important point, that we have killed the spirit of children. But more than anything else, I think, what worries me is that we have killed the creativity because teachers must teach creativity and teach also for creativity, there is no place for creativity, there is a place for rote learning, regurgitation learning things are by heart. So I think it's about us getting the balance that you know, children have me time they attend to play, they attend to reflect, they have time for the homework, the same for everything that we need to make sure that their life is very, very balanced.
that the child is stressed out with work or would like to create a sort of
activity that the child could refresh their mind. And, you know, Lee came that desire to learn, what do you suggest to them to expand the abilities they can do, one of the things that is very therapeutic is about gardening, you know, if you've got a little backyard a bit of gardening is very, very relaxing. And you find that is a such great joy when you see, you know, you know, and as you know, your seeds and the germinating the blossoming. That is one important thing. The second thing is also having relaxing exercises me to breathe deeply. Also, of course, for them to make zeker I mean, that is so so beautiful. That gives you a calmness. But I think more than anything
else is about through all of that, letting them know, you know, the purpose of this study is that they know the value of it. It's not about maximizing the potential but optimizing it. You know, it's not like the kids that do work so many hours a day, like what happened in Korea in Japan. And therefore he's I'm not surprised that the suicide rate is so high in those countries where they are so fresh, in coming on top. So for me, it's not about coming out tops is about learning coping skills, and to also develop, you know, the EQ, the emotional quotient. So these are fundamental things that we need to respond comprehensively to that and we got to make sure that our kids also
play some sports, you got to make sure they have a great friends around them. You got to make sure that their home atmosphere is that one that is against
a lot of things and you know, if just a parent would take some time out to take a walk with a child and just talk with them a little bit. This in itself comes the child on an umbrella, an umbrella. You know we don't know how to walk slowly. We always reprimanding them says Come on, come on, you walk into slow, you know, or whatever. Yeah, and we need to do that. I think the company with their parents is so fundamental because the child feels you know, the world
Feels you know the assembly law he feels you know the beautiful feeling with the parents the happiness the joy and this is we need to do because it not only will help the child will also have the parent inshallah inshallah hobbies.
We need to take another short break now and inshallah we'll come back with the show just after that. Stay tuned for my siliconate Islam international
ladies time intermuscular Welcome back to our guests for the
last few minutes of our program. inshallah, as he says, even not receiving any questions via SMS, I'd like to remind our listeners, once again, you can SMS 0731738461 and each other as he is we will post your questions forward to exist, we can also call us on 118541548
is usually the last few minutes, we have some advices. for married couples, we spoke with the cell phone, we spoke about the kids and schoolwork, advice for many parents, for married couples, you see, you know, for me, a critical thing that needs to be done is that we must become self aware get to know who you are, get to know exactly what are your attitudes, your values, what is it that motivates you, and also get to know your partner and one of the things that we need to understand that, you know, individuals are individuals and often do things differently. how you deal with an argument how you deal with visitors, depends largely on your experiences. So it's not fair, unless
something islamically wrong for you to impose your particular way of doing things on the other. And when people try to effect the change then is problematic. I was speaking the other day to a sister and I said to her, that, you know, you must understand that your husband and you are completely different. In fact, here I see it as a blessing. If your husband was just like you, you know, exuberant and boisterous and so on and so forth, then I wonder who would be listening to whom, and we need to understand that I think it's important for us to understand the relationship dynamics, right. And the other area that is also very concerned, I think often we use the word Sherlock and
you know, very, very quickly and very, very glibly, then we we say, No, and I was angry, I made three sellouts. And I did not mean it, I did not intend it. And this can also create, you know, a serious issues and problems. And I think, you know, before parents, before couples decide that they want to separate the court to make sure that they have elicited as much help as possible to speak to people who know about relationship dynamics, who understand issues of marriage, to give them guidance, and they and they need to look at that very very seriously before the make rash statements. And the other thing that is also important
we've got a few minutes I've got to SMS to three SMS says that you could just take them and then if you have time continue with it either issue. The first one is never the problem is that parents do not have the ability in cats to question and reprimand the kids. But they rather brag about the kids versus when
as soon as that has come in the other SMS is how to deal with a wife that cannot speak in a sweet don't. Okay.
Okay, let's let's,
let's talk about this right. Now. Number one is that
let's look at the first one right the first one right. Okay. Now the or the second one, right? The whole thing is this that you find that people need to understand
that some people do not realize that the tone is harsh, that the tone is not something that is mellifluous, and loving. And that sometimes some of them need to be nurtured, you know, and thought how to go about doing this, it's very important. This kind of sweetness at home is fundamental right is is very, very critical. And it is some people need to be thought some people, it becomes natural. For some of them, you see, because understand that everyone is a product of life they've had this person might have grown up in a home where mother was like that, in a sense. So that person needs to be reminded in his mind wisdom, you can affect the change. And what was your first SMS
SMS is that parents don't want to do your
children. Yeah, but the phrase Yeah, this is a what point you see, you know, our parents, they were very circumspect. You know, they were, you know, not liberal in the phrases, you know, but they were far more liberal, in terms of inverted commas and being punitive. And reprimanding you. And this is important. Also, when you begin to be unreasonable and lavish in your praise of your children. You are sometimes you know, creating a monster because this child thinks, you know, well, I can do things with impunity, I'm perfect. And when people say, doesn't my daughter look like a dog? Oh, she's a perfect dog, you know, and so on and so forth. And they make comparisons. What you are doing
you're really is becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, in a sense, with a child thinks they can do things in infinity. And I think this is important. And these are reasons sometimes in parents levies, the phrase and they are very, you know, reluctant to reprimand them is often art of emotional blackmail, because they don't spend enough time with them to try to win the hearts of the children you know.
Message of encouragement Mashallah wonderful program and could you please please come to entity in their community of mothers crying for help on these issues discussed in your program? Please come and give a lecture here soon. Not the mothers the you know, they could call me up inshallah, and I'll be only too happy. And I think they've got my number. Could I get my number? molana? Yes, yes. Yes. It's always 28251 double 9128251 double nine, one. And Milena, before I forget, you asked me about the program in benoni is taking place on the 23rd is 23rd. of may inshallah, and once I get the details, inshallah, I would keep you informed inshallah. inshallah.
It is another question, how does the wife go about trusting her husband again, after he broke the trust? You see, this is a challenge many people have, is can be other way about, but time is a healer, you see. Now, for the person who broke the trust, they must understand that they need to work doubly hard to win the hearts of the husbands. In fact, they need to go beyond the call of duty, they need to do things they have never done before. And what is important is this is not only about that is to rekindle that passion and that love. And after a period of time, it will happen, you got to remember, it doesn't happen overnight, we have a memory, we have a concern, the fear that
might happen again. And one of the things that I do, you know, to reassure couples, if the Trust has been broken, then I get them to sign a letter declaration, that if there is a recurrence, or if this trust is broken, then there is a strong possibility that the marriage can break off, the kind of pressure often helps in ensuring that the couples are straight and narrow. And I think you know, I don't like to blame anyone for a person's infidelity. But it does not mean that the marriage at home cannot be reachable. They simply cannot do things differently. And I will say to you, in fact, I shared this with you that in a study that was done 75% of the people who broke off the marriage
because of infidelity regretted because they realize that the husband or the wife, they have many other good qualities, this a mistake they made and to call the marriage off is something that we need to be very, very careful. I think you know what, if you and I are going to be so stringent and strict about marriage and to say we are not going to allow anyone to make any mistakes. I don't think there'd be many managers on this earth that would be able to fulfill that particular chess or pass that particular test.
Heaven for your time this morning. It was nice of you to bless us with your presence at
the radio slam studios. And inshallah we will speak to you next week inshallah and I hope your mowlana you I know I have no doubt that you are looking after your shisha Baba Lena. Yes, yes, yes.
And I'm going to end with it.
This is sent to me and humbler weekly by one of the senior members of our community will mention his name for the loser Haji Solomon magalia and he sends me this via by SMS messages says quite elderly and hungry law he said every week Islamia Allah bless our feelings, and give house to everyone May Allah unite all the human beings and give us the ability to remove enmity towards each other. May Allah make this world I will least concern and save for us here. Keep us on the straight path. May Allah give us the opportunity to die as Muslims. May Allah give us Jana mean to Mubarak in anticipation of tomorrow tomorrow inshallah hominem Allah bless you. May Allah accept maybe embrace
that may every day be a better day spiritually, that every day becomes a meaningful day. Our relationships become meaningful May those around us forgive us realize our own fallibility. JazakAllah salaam aleikum, I'm collaborator. I mean, I mean, so like when I say that I'm alikum warahmatu Allahi wa barakato two minutes before 12 seconds or even twice the operator said this morning so we should come to you for listening from June HSR to Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.