Edris Khamissa – Parenting in the 21st Century – Episode 4

			parenting in the 21st century by Idris camisa, and shimmy maka three at a time when many parents are
feeling helpless. The aim of these recordings is to offer practical solutions to real problems
shukran in this the final CD on parenting in the 21st century, we're going to discuss the following
topics, social media, and its impact the need for emotional intelligence, and nurturing confident
children. Now, let's move on to social media and its impact. It is with the advent of Facebook,
Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, just to mention a few.
		

			There's been great advances in technology. Yes, it's been great in terms of people understanding all
the new technologies available, but they're also the areas of concern in terms of children
children's usage, and all the problems that come with children being involved on social media. My
first question to you is social media. Is it a blessing? Is it a curse? Or can it be a mixture of
both?
		

			It's a very important question you asked, if you look at the word social, we are gregarious animals,
we are social beings. And we all want to feel connected with individuals. But anything that becomes
an obsession or addictive, it must be negative. In a study I just read a few days ago, they looked
at the potential for divorces. And they said that those husbands and wives who spent a lot of time
with social media, things like Facebook, is a far greater chance that the marriage would not
survive. Because what happens, it distracts you. Your focus is not an interface communication, it is
done through the media. And you find that, especially with the youth or young boys and girls, they
		

			are savvy when it comes to these things. They are very conversant about it. But they are so
concerned about the cyber bubble, how they're perceived in the virtual world, they've got real or no
concern for interface communication. And therefore I'm not surprised that many a child, many green
kid today finds it difficult to have a conversation finds it difficult to sustain a relationship I
would prefer to be in the social media than doing what young boys and girls like to do is to play
outside. They become spectators in their own life, and how they are perceived in the social media
impacts on the psyche impacts on the optimism and impacts on them as an individual. So what I'm
		

			saying is the social media can be used for good purposes. There are many, many good purposes that
the social media can be useful. As an example. We as a family, my five other brothers and myself and
my sister, be a part of the social media. And every day we send messages to each other, asking how
you are doing, we share good news and bad news. And really through this year, it has brought us much
closer together. We at the same time we do visit each other visit our homes, but let us say for
example, my sister is Zimbabwe. She's part of this communication and Alhamdulillah it is there and
we interact and when someone is quiet we asked a question a Idris what's happening is Suriname fine
		

			a bit busy now. I'm thinking about you. So social media can be used for a great purpose. But for me,
the greatest downfall to social media is this. If it becomes obsessive, then you realize that the
gold you suppose you're pursuing is often left in the backburner it you find you become compulsive.
When you regard this, you get up involved with social media, your cell phone is right next to you as
you go to sleep. And every time there's a bling, some sound emanating from there and you want to
respond to it.
		

			So we think yes, they are the benefits to social media and you know, I've seen it myself where you
can connect with family members that you haven't seen in a long while. You know when important life
events are taking place. You can comment on that. And you stay connected with old friends as well.
But yeah, you talking about when it becomes an obsession now for the parent who's got this 12 year
old who's now got a smartphone
		

			what should parents
		

			Be aware of
		

			when they giving the child a smartphone? and How can parents create a balance in terms of usage of
this phone? You see, this is important. Because
		

			our sons and daughters, you know, they can also be very manipulative. They'll say, Daddy, everyone
in my class has got a cell phone, everyone, you don't love me anymore. You don't care for me
anymore. Why Daddy, why Daddy, and often parents, what they do, they succumb to that kind of
pressure. It's almost like instant gratification, but the number of things parents can do. I'll just
share with you a few ideas. I think the bottom line for me, when it comes to the usage of this
technology, my real grave concern is the whole issue of social etiquette.
		

			I find it really galls me, when I see family members will have their cell phone. As they are eating
the meals side by side, the mother is interacting, the father is interacting the cell phone, the
kids are involved in it. And it's almost like this complete silence but you're involved with
emotionally connected people outside your home. To me that smacks of insensitivity. It shows these a
lack of manners, I think what parents need to do is firstly, they are regarded as a digital
immigrants, they need to also understand how the cell phones work to understand the passwords to
understand who the kids are chatting with. So if I were to look at some point is regarding the home,
		

			I would say that when kids come home, when the parents come home, they keep their cell phones in the
kind of basket in which it is kept silent. And they would interact on the cell phone at a particular
time in the evening, when each one of them can spend a few minutes responding to it. Naturally, when
the father is a professional person is a counselor or a doctor, perhaps you would need that at a
particular time. The other very important thing that needs to be done is the home itself needs to
create a culture of face to face communication, we need to do that. And the father needs to lead
that as an example. The other thing that needs to be done, parents themselves need to look at.
		

			Or rather, they need to improve their own understanding of the social media and how it works. And
because they do not understand it, and do not understand the history, they need to look at the
history in the internet. Look at the history in terms of understanding who they're communicating
with, what are they saying in the communication? In fact, if they're part of a chat, you as a parent
starts to get involved in the chatroom because you know, there are people there with insidious
intention, they're pedophiles out there, who through the chat, are able to gather the background,
the social context where the kids are, and they can pretend to be who they are not. I know of
		

			parents who when the children got to say 12 and 13, and bought the child smartphone. But I know in
particular appears to say to me that what I do is I said to my daughter that I will do random
checks. So not not, you know, in secret, I will say to you to my daughter, just hand me your phone
now. And I take the phone and be able to look at before she has time to delete anything to look at
the kind of sites that she's gone to who she is on Facebook with what pictures she's put up on
Instagram, I've got
		

			access to all of this, and she knows that I have access to that. And I say to her, it's not that I
don't trust you. But because you're young and used to learning. I'm there to support you. I'm the
adult so I've got to check that you are okay. So if I've given my son or daughter that that
particular phone it then my responsibility is to check that it's all okay. Not to say I've given the
child a small smartphone. I don't even know how the smartphone works. It doesn't work that way. So
is it right that we say charged to the child that yes, I trust you. I trust you implicitly because I
know I brought you up in the way I want to. But there's so many pressures from outside. And I want
		

			to know that you're doing the right things. I'll do these random checks. Is that okay? Yes, that's
the point. You got to attach a consequences to behavior. Now, you cannot protect your kids from
consequences. You got to teach them accountability. And you got to make it clear to them. Remember
this you must say to your daughter or son, you know what my beloved son I trust you remember me? I
care for you and I love you. But if you are going to do something untoward. Then I'm going to
confiscate that.
		

			You got no second chance. And secondly, it's very important that our kids should not be able to
sleep with those phones because they do not sleep, they're often wide awake. And as a result, they
get very tired in the morning, they do not fulfill the Islamic obligations of prayer, they get to
school, they are tired, and they're sleepy. And many teachers have a complaint about that. I know
children who are saying that I'm tired, because I was up late at night. And you know, I was on
social media. But then I also have those parents who say to me that Monday to Friday, the phone is
with me, my child doesn't have access to perhaps 10 minutes in the afternoon, but it's the weekends
		

			that they have access to the phone. So these are savvy parents, parents are saying, Yes, I'm giving
my child, the technical technological device that he wants. It's the error of technology, I'm giving
him that. But I'm also saying I'm in control, I'm being in charge. And I'm letting the child know
that I'm in charge. And you know, children being children, they want boundaries, the minute they
know that I cannot step beyond those parameters, then there is that kind of control, because your
weekdays is for homework and getting that kind of thing up to date. Because subsuming what you're
saying is to develop a family routine, yes. And in their family routine, you share some rituals
		

			together, you do things together, and a family routine is developed by everyone put together. And
when you For example, say no to your child, you need to explain to them why you're doing what you
are doing. I've seen many an innocent kid today, whose life has been polluted and destroyed through
the usage of this phones, because the people that chat with are not often people that are
necessarily innocent in their motives. But more than that, what is fundamental to me, is the fact
that through the cell phones through the internet through these computers, as it were, centers
become accessible, 24 hours a day, Gone are the days when people say oh my gosh, she's such a
		

			wonderful girl to come from such a wonderful home. But yet, she may not be involved directly with
their own family. But through the cell phone, she's communicating with so many other people. And
being a marriage counselor myself, I've seen not only kids whose minds have been polluted, through
* addiction, downloading pictures that unsavory as it were, I know of also adults whose
marriages have been impacted upon through the usage of this because what happens when you are
involved, chatting with someone outside you, there is a sense of bravado, you can lower your guard
and say things and what happens often, you're either seduced by the other or that person seduces
		

			you. And it's all in all, it's about developing a purpose in our life. And when children have a
purpose, when they are self motivated, when they have a high self esteem, they do not require other
people to massage the ego or the self esteem. And that is very, very critical. And the other point
that I want to share very quickly, you find that if you were to survey kids today, you'd be
surprised that there are more children who understand how the technology works. They would most
people would understand, you find. I remember the other day I saw a three year old kid, and the
father bought the child an iPad, can you believe it? And the child was so consumed by the iPad. And
		

			I remember telling the father who I met, I said to me know what you are destroying your kid, you are
destroying your children, because studies have shown nowadays, that when kids are exposed to iPads
and cell phones at the tender age, it contributes to the ADHD, the sub problems they are exposed to,
but yet the same kids that understand the media, if you want to answer how to deal with something I
know my beloved wife will speak to the neighbor's son. How do you do this? What's his icon for they
are very, very good. It's like you know, they like they are molding some clay. Yet the same kids,
they cannot do things that paper machine, they cannot put up a tent. They could not it is a
		

			puncture, they'll be completely lost. And as a result of it, we need the bottom line is this. The
cell phones are there. If you need to give it to them, give it to them the age of understanding. And
I don't believe primary school children should be given that there is not a school toys. And if you
give it to them, these needs to be disciplined. When they go to bed from a particular time onwards,
maybe a half an hour a day they allowed access, they can chat with their friends. Otherwise it's
kept in the safe and it's given to them at appropriate time.
		

			And as parents, we must set the example we need to do that. Of course, as you asked me at the
beginning, there are many positive things can happen. They've been many, for example, political
uprisings have taken place. The Arab Spring is a case in point through Facebook, through Twitter,
where you can galvanize communities, you can galvanize your country in terms of boycotting and doing
whatever it is good for some political ideal. So we need to have that kind of balance. I mean, for
me, if you look at Facebook, I am not concerned or some petty thing where someone says, You know
what, I'm at the airport here in Dubai and why I don't want to know that or I couldn't sleep last
		

			then you can sleepless then what must I do that such pettiness and I try not that I'm the best
example, I try to give a philosophical message, a message about life. For example, the last one I
sent is about why a person should be optimistic, and I will hope inshallah, through my interaction
Facebook with people, they will be inspired, to change, inspired to respond to life, and understand
what our purpose is. So to recap images, we are saying that social media technology, cell phones,
iPads, all of that, yes, it is a blessing, but it can also be a curse. If it's not controlled
properly in the home. Parents, you need to create strategies to create this balance. It's up to you,
		

			if you're giving the child the device, you cannot turn a blind eye and say, let my child deal with
it they too young to be able to understand the pitfalls and the dangers.
		

			With regard to technology.
		

			What should parents be aware of when they give the child a smartphone, be aware of things your child
can access, be aware that your child now has access to the internet, so he has access to anything on
the internet, be savory or unsavory, do not say my child is so good, he will never ever go on into
anything unsavory. All children are curious, all children are going to want to see, that's how you
speak to your child, how you keep these lines of communication open, that you know that these things
are going to happen. So as Idris says, if you
		

			have these these checks in place, that weekdays you can't have your phone or you can have it for
half an hour in the evenings. Just before going to bed it comes to me, then there's no fight every
evening. I know in my interaction with parents, the parents are saying but you know there's a war at
home when I want to take away the phone. It's because you didn't create these steps, these barriers
or the consequences right from the beginning that you ending up with these problems. And as
addresses, no primary school child should have a smartphone at all. And no primary school child is
going anywhere on their own to need a cell phone to be able to contact you. They always with you. So
		

			be very savvy as a parent, when you're giving your child access to any sort of social media
inshallah interests in years gone by the focus was on IQ, the intellectual quotient, the new
buzzword is EQ, the emotional quotient or emotional intelligence. Why is there been this shift out?
Well, before we get to that I want you to define for me emotional quotient. emotional quotient is
being smart about your emotions. And being smart about your emotions also means being smart about
other people's emotions. We are in this planet. And we interact with each other, we need each other.
And one of the big issues today is relationship dynamics. The many an individual finds it difficult
		

			to cope with his own emotions, to be aware of his own emotions and the emotions of others. And you
find that there are many individuals who have stated in I subscribe to it, that those individuals
will have a highly developed EQ. They are far better leaders they know how to lead a team. They
understand relationship dynamics, it helps in the marriage. It helps with parenting, it helps to
deal with others and not only understanding yourself in the long and short of it all it contributes
to harmony can create a sanctuary at home. In other words, when a person disagrees with you, you do
not have to be disagreeable. It's another opinion. You'd not allow the person to crawl underneath
		

			your skin. You maintain your dignity throughout the conversation.
		

			Are you able to discipline your own emotions you control it? And it's almost like being self aware,
you understand exactly where you are in those emotions. And as a result, you change your tone. You
say the right things because I'm gonna be so loud your solemn reminded us far worse to break the
Kaaba is to break the heart of a believer. In other words, you know, when you and I would die to
save the Kaaba, but what about our interaction with each other? So you're saying that emotions like
being angry, anxious, arrogant, shy, confident, curious, optimistic, to name a few, all fall under
the banner of emotional quotient? Yes, the four broad emotions are anger,
		

			sadness,
		

			joy,
		

			and fear. These are the four broad emotions. So as a parent, when my child is angry, if I give them
coping skills on how to deal with it, you know, when the when a tantrum happens, if I helped my
child through that process, I'm developing the emotional quotient. Absolutely. Because when your
child is angry, and you do not see it, I find that quite problematic. So when you notice that your
child is angry, you must not provoke the anger, you must be able to deal with that anger, you must
allow the children themselves to deal with that anger. How do you do it is when your children speak
to you learn to reflect on what they are saying, paraphrase it, for example, let us say you were
		

			angry, right? And your mommy notice it? Soon, your mother should tell you shamima
		

			it seems for what you are telling me that you are feeling this particular thing. Now what happens to
you? You see, yeah, she understands it. Not only that, sometimes it may give you insight, said yes,
I did not realize that I'm frustrated. So it's important for us to understand these emotions to
understand the emotions of the other. Now, therefore, like in a simple situation, I mean, not
simple, but a commonplace situation. Let us say in a marriage situation, right? You are there. You
are very, very angry. Now your husband what he should do, he mustn't respond in a similar way. He
must be the calm, unemotional person, that time allows you to give vent to your anger. But if he is
		

			going to respond in a similar way to you know what's going to happen, you're creating a situation of
anger, a situation of acrimony, and a situation of hostility. So having a high emotional quotient
would be experiencing anger, sadness, joy and fear, but not to extremes, you know, not being fearful
of everything and hanging on to your mom all the time. Not being sad and miserable all the time.
They should be a balanced, is that what you're saying? Yes, there should be a balance. And I think
it's important for us to give a very broad a framework about emotional quotient, the technical
framework, the one is being self aware. What do I mean, by being self aware? The point that I made
		

			is to recognize your own emotions and more than that Jemima and its effect on other people? is one
thing say, Well, you know, I when I'm angry, I just say it, it's very well for you to say that. What
about the impact is having on people around you? The other important thing is this, you as a human
being, you should recognize the fact in terms of what your own strengths, and what are your limits
in terms of your own emotions. The third thing is this, that you as an individual should have a
strong sense of your self worth and capabilities in terms of your self confidence. And we'll talk
about this because you know, what, why is it sometimes some individuals, if they go through some
		

			negative experience, what happens they have a complete emotional meltdown. They say your life is
unfair, because of one negative experience, did not trust other people was the other individuals.
You spoke about coping skills, who go through an experience, but they deal with it, and within a few
minutes, they get up and go, because their optimism about life, the hope for the future is never
diminished. That's the one aspect about being self aware. The second aspect we need to talk about is
the whole issue of self regulation of controlling your own emotions. You find that once you have
self
		

			control what you do, you are able to keep disruptive emotions and impulses in check. And that's a
very important thing to teach your children. For example, your kid cannot come home and tell you,
Mommy, I did it because I wanted to do it. I did, because I felt like doing what I did, because I
don't know why I did that. That's one aspect. The other important aspect in terms of
		

			self regulation is this about trustworthiness, making sure that throughout, you maintain high
standards of trust, and integrity. In other words, you share exactly what you feel, you must not
lose your integrity regarding this. The other thing is this, that you need to take ownership of your
life you got, you got to live a life of consciousness. And the last two parts regarding this before
I go on to motivation is the ability to adapt. One important thing is that you need to adopt a
flexible approach. In other words, you got to understand the context in which you are, and you also
got to understand every individual is different, that you will need to respond to the person in an
		

			appropriate way, not in a way that to create hostility. And the other last part regarding self
regulation is you need to be asked to be creative and innovative in terms of your responses. And
these are some things that we need to do. And we will go on right in a moment in terms of
motivation, and social competence. Okay, just you spoke to me about self awareness and self
regulation, all in terms of developing one's emotional quotient, and where does motivation 13. Now
motivation is very important, because in life,
		

			what is important, it is your emotional intelligence. In other words, that will guide you towards
reaching your goals. It's not your intellectual, your emotional, you see,
		

			even like public speaking, is an emotional interaction with people. It's about, do you feel from
your heart about this goal?
		

			That's it, are you motivated, motivating, it's important. In other words, what it does, it gives you
an achievement drive, and you are striving to improve or meet a standard of excellence. The other
thing is this, it really gives you a commitment to achieve it, you feel aligned to it, you show
initiative, you know you want to do it is a readiness on your part, to act on every opportunity. And
And last but not least, regarding that, there is a sense of optimism. In other words, you persist in
pursuing the goals. You know, one writer speaks about failing forward, you'd not allow one failure
one setback to impact on your optimism in reaching those goals.
		

			One's emotional intelligence is related to one's surroundings, my interaction with people the social
interaction. And the other aspect I want you to talk about is the social competence and social
skills. Okay, talking about that. One of the critical attribute to have is the issue of empathy. In
other words, you show an awareness of other people's feelings, needs and concern. Now, how can you
develop this beautiful quality of empathy?
		

			You need to do five things, you need to understand others.
		

			In other words, when you listen, you don't only listen to the words, you also listen to the context,
the emotion, what else do you do, you need to develop others, you need to contribute to bolster the
abilities to develop the needs. You also need to be service orientated, you need to meet the needs,
you need to also create some kind of awareness about who they are. So there are many things that can
be done regarding empathy. And when a person understands the other, what happened, it builds up
trust. For example, empathy means that you forget about yourself at that time, you crawl underneath
the skin of the other person. And as a result, your response to him is authentic, is not done,
		

			superficially or glibly. So that makes you more socially cohesive with the next person. Absolutely.
That's fundamental. And the last point on social skills, how will you emotional quotient assist in
developing my social skills? What happens then you become a person of influence. You can really
		

			persuade other people to do what's right, you are able to communicate by listening openly and
sending convincing messages, you're able to build up a bond, you're able to have a decent kind of
conversation. And the reason we sharing all of this is that so that when our children see that in
us, as parents, we see the heightened emotional intelligence, it makes a very big difference to
them, in terms of how they relate to others, where they have self belief, where they develop the
idea of social competence, because you find when people develop social competence, they are able to
negotiate, they have a sense of optimism, the process, and it will contribute to them forging
		

			friendships, forging relationships, and also in the sense of respecting the sacred institution of
marriage. And when the lead is in any place, for example, they lead with competence, where they
understand their own emotions and the emotions of the team around them. So you just you're saying
that there is definitely in need for emotional intelligence amongst children? And some questions
that as parents, you could start asking your children in order to develop the emotional quotient is,
when I'm at school? How do I feel?
		

			When I ask your child when you're at home? How do you feel what makes you happy? What makes you sad?
If you haven't, if your child hasn't succeeded at something, ask them you know, if you can't kick
the wall, you're struggling? How is it making you feel is making you feel so angry that you don't
want to play ball again? Or is it making you want to try again? When I when your child really wants
to do something, and he's not being allowed to do it? Ask him How is it making him feel? So lots of
feeling coming in?
		

			I never know what to do when someone is feeling sad. Does your child know what to do? If he's in the
face of somebody who's crying? Does he know what to do? If somebody is so so happy? How does he join
in that happiness? How does he shame that joy? How does your child feel when he gets blamed for
something he didn't do? When in and this happens often in the home? You know, somebody kicked the
ball and broken a window or dropped a bottle of water and child is getting blamed? How does he feel
when he wasn't there? And he wasn't involved at all? asking your child these kind of question
develops the emotional quotient? And how do I feel when I accidentally made somebody mad? I did
		

			something wrong, angered mom, dad, my teacher, how did it make it make me feel did make me feel? Oh,
cool. I've made them angry? Or did I feel some sense of remorse?
		

			When they some sort of conflict between me and friends? How do I feel when I'm excluded from a group
and this happens often, you know, once a child has has entered into the education system, there's
groups being formed, how do I feel if I'm excluded from the group? When I walked towards the group
that they stopped talking? To? I feel it's about me, and then how does that make me feel?
		

			someone makes a promise to me and they fail to keep the promise. How does it make me feel? So here
parents were saying that we're talking about feelings, we're talking about emotions, and how you can
develop that in your child. So if you're getting to understand when your child's crying, and ask him
what's making him unhappy, you I in, in in in other terms, you are developing his emotional
quotient? Yes, lamella sama, very, very practical examples. So what is fundamental, you can only
know how they feel when they are allowed to express themselves. And that is critical. I just give
you one quick example here.
		

			For example, many people say you know what, my child or my wife suffers, she's bipolar. We often
hear that. And because many people lack the EQ, they find it difficult to cope with those
individuals. I mean, as a quick somebody with bipolar people either go through ecstatic joy or they
go through sadness, these and you find this medication for that. And you find that the other person
instead of him or her empathizing with the other, knowing exactly how to respond to them. We do not
do it. But more importantly, when that individual that is suffering from or is bipolar, when they
are happy is a good time to engage with them to talk about what they're going through. And once you
		

			show that kind of empathy, and that's very, very important. You know, all diseases come from Allah,
we need to recognize that we also need to recognize as individuals that
		

			No person wants to get sick. No person wants to suffer from some kind of psychological ailment. So
it's fundamental. And I think we cannot overly emphasize the benefits of EQ, the benefits that
accrue from developing your EQ. And it's fundamental. And I think it's a message to all parents, and
to all individuals, I think we focus too much on the IQ, that you have forgotten the value of EQ,
and star children or even star parents need to say to themselves, I have to listen carefully, and
speak clearly to prevent misunderstandings.
		

			It is in our concluding segment, on our set of four CDs on parenting. And I want to talk about
nurturing confident children. And in my opinion, to nurture a confident child, I have to be
confident parent first for my child to understand what this whole concept of confidence is. As a
parent, I need to firstly accept my child for who he is, accept him for his good accept him for his
limitations as well. And that's your start in developing the confidence in the home.
		

			Why the focus on nurturing confidence? You see, the word nurturing is an indication that it requires
patience, understanding, and developing that quality of confidence. I don't think any parent wants a
child that is deficient, a child that feels awkward socially, a child that does not articulate his
views, a child who does not believe in him or herself. And that's fundamental. If you look around
today, nothing is more joyful than to see your son or daughter, speak with confidence, have self
belief is self motivated, is prepared to do things respond to situations in a very positive way.
It's not only about the ability to speak, but to speak from one's heart, a the ability to assert
		

			oneself, and that is a fundamental core such individuals in Sharla would show leadership will stand
out in a crowd, and would not say come and that's important succumb to negative peer pressure, will
realize that I need to do what is right, doing what is right. Even if I'm alone, truly, then I'm in
the majority, rather than being in the minority. Now, just because we summarizing all the thoughts
that we've had across the cities, I'm going to put two key points and then you're going to elaborate
for me inshallah. And
		

			how is the parent? Do I practice acceptance? How do I accept the child for what he or she is, I've
got one child who's the life of the party. I've got one child's very introverted and has one or two
friends. And I know parents who are wanting both to be the life of the party. How can I accept my
children for who and what they are, there is a difference, you find that some kids may be reticent,
or they may be quiet, they may be introverted, but yet they are comfortable where they belong. But
the important thing for me is the kids must be ambivert, they should be able, in the situation, to
be like an extrovert and other situations to be like an introvert they should be able to be flexible
		

			enough to do that. Not all kids are the same. Allah has made each one of them differently. But the
last thing is this, when a child says Daddy, I do not like to interact with people, then it's a
worrying factor, then we need to do something about it, we need to understand why the child feels
the way the child does. So I think it's important we cannot make all the kids the same. People will
grow up with different personalities. But confidence is something that all of us can have. And it
does not mean that you need to be loud mouth to the boisterous you can be quiet but yet be
confident.
		

			Praising your children for achieving and receiving an A for a test or something they've done very,
very well. Seems like a good idea. But I know earlier in CD one, I think you said that he's still
judging, although he am judging favorably. We sing, encourage rather than praise. Just give me a
quick recap on that place. You see shamima What is important is through your interaction, you give
the kids self belief once they begin to believe in themselves and the ability. Now praising itself
is something you can create a false sense of illusion. It's an illusion that you know I'm brilliant.
Wow, you know what? I can do anything I want. Yes, but
		

			Not to a point in which you're not really realistic enough, you need to encourage them support them
and work together, especially in the initial years.
		

			We can also nurture confident children by creating order in the home. All children, no matter their
age, gain confidence from routines, which are the bedrock of a stable home life. And the order will
create structure and make children feel safe. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Because in the end, order, Tom
is like a hug. It's something that you are saying that you are safe in this environment, you are
safe to develop your potential. And kids like us are creatures of habit. And kids mimic adult
behavior, if the environment is right, which is conducive to the growth Alhamdulillah, they would
respond positively.
		

			Allow your child to share in decision making. Here we sing, let your child make choices about his
world. And parents, here's a quick
		

			guideline with the very little ones. It's easy to do. If you give your son or daughter two options,
and make sure those are both options that you approve of. And then allow them to choose one of the
two. So they getting the idea of making their own decisions. But you know, it's within parameters
that you're approving of.
		

			How do I let my child know Idris that his ideas matter?
		

			It's very simple. Firstly, that when they speak, you listen with your heart. And kids are very
perceptive. They know exactly what the parents are not responding to them. They are tentative they
are showing any empathy or understanding. And once they have spoken, you respond to what they have
said, not preparing your own response, but responding with your heart to what is being said. And
once they have spoken, you also asked them, okay, Muhammad, why are you telling me this, so you also
understand the rationale behind it in this way, it will create a authentic relationship. Just by
showing affection to your child, you can develop the confidence. In other words, show unconditional
		

			love to them every day, give your child a hug a pat on the back, put little notes into the lunchbox.
And surprisingly, even teenagers secretly desire gestures like this. Absolutely. I think all of us
want information. We want acknowledgement, we want acceptance, we want appreciation. And these are
important things the critical thing every child growing up must feel the unconditional love of his
parents, he must sense that they not only loved them, they it's also about supporting them in their
lives, supporting them in the decisions they are making, supporting them in their aspirations.
		

			Another aspect is to give children feedback in terms of successes or encouragement that you want to
tell them about. Children thrive when they get positive feedback. That's concrete. So instead of
just making a blanket statement, like your recitation was beautiful today.
		

			Here we think give your child a little bit more detail in terms of how it's been beautiful. It was a
difficult piece of work, but you did it so beautifully. This approach lets your child know exactly
what she's achieved, and helps them focus on developing their confidence. Yes, shamima, you are so
correct. Feedback is fundamental. Because feedback would promote conversations, it will promote
reciprocal understanding, and will promote empathy. Then your children would understand that daddy
and mommy loved me. They explained to me exactly why they are saying no. And why they are saying
yes. In that way they get to know also your own standards of living. Because as parents, we want to
		

			always promote excellence. I know also have other scenarios where there's absolutely no
communication. The children have no idea what makes the parents happy or sad. And as a result, such
families to me are really dysfunctional families. It is my earnest pray and hope, my beloved
brothers and sisters, and I know, I know parenting is really a challenge in the 21st century. I have
no doubt that these CDs will contribute to your more profound understanding of what parenting is all
about.
		

			And I also need to tell you that if you want to procure my services, I conduct workshops on
parenting.
		

			on marriage, premarital issues on personal development. Also I do programs for business companies.
I'm able to give you a feedback. If you need to contact me. My number is Oh 828251 double nine one.
Of course if you're phoning outside the country, you got to add a plus 27828251 double nine one.
Zach moolah I pray that you listen, you enjoy and most importantly, my friends that this helps you
to transform your home as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.