How To Fix Unhealthy Relationships

			He wants to be loved. He wants people to cheer for him. And all of this hatred stuff directed toward
him.
		

			It's not good for him. I always want to be loved. You know?
		

			Like when I went on dates, if a woman dropped me, which happened too often.
		

			I would always like to say, or at least in my own mind that I dropped her. Does that make sense?
		

			So what happened? Makes me feel better.
		

			Assalamu alaykum greetings of peace, we're with our special guest. 20 years experience helping patch
things up. We want to keep families together with our sister
		

			holla the nanny
		

			holla banana, Holly banana, I always mess up people's Holly. Hello, banana. Hello, banana. Are you
doing very good. Thank you for having me on. Thank you for being with us.
		

			20 years experience. Yes. Before we get into like, exactly like a little bit of your background.
Because you're psychologists, you help with psychology. I do hate, you know, our new president,
Donald Trump. Right, right. Who was it? There was some I forgot his name. He's also a friend of
Donald Trump. And he says he said that this is really bad on Donald because Donald wants to be
loved. I actually think this is something that
		

			it's going to be very detrimental to his mental health too, because he wants to be liked. He wants
to be loved. He wants people to cheer for him. And all of this hatred stuff directed toward him.
		

			It's not good for him. It's not good. And and it's
		

			legit. There's a reason every president who leaves the office has gray hair, I always want to be
loved, you know. And there's a lot of hate, you know, that's out there focusing, you know, towards,
we would say towards the Muslims, you know, you as a psychologist, if you want to be loved, what
advice would you give to someone if Donald Trump was your client? Or right? What would you say to
him? What would I say to them? If he was a client? Yeah. But depending on what he's in for, right,
wanting to be loved.
		

			You know, I think first of all, we have to have the right intention for doing things. So merely
doing it to gain approval or love from others is not sufficient, I think that we should always live
with a higher purpose. So I would say direct that towards having a more genuine and more sincere
intention. Because the love of the people here, you could get it. And it's very trivial. It can come
and go. So I would say we have more sincerity, and do things that will unite, do things that will
bring the country together and benefit benefit everyone. I mean, that's because now psych in your
area of expertise of clinical psychologists Talk to us a little bit about the first time they've
		

			heard this term. Sure. I did. my masters in clinical psychology and clinical psychology is actually
it's a 16 hour credit course, where marriage and family it's 30 hours. So it was very intensive, and
unhemmed ally, it was something that I was very passionate about. And I focus on all different
mental health problems. So whether it's whether it's anxiety, depression, marriage, individual or
family, everything I deal with it all. How do you deal with the fact that you do have a lot of
people who are out there trying to date so called like, you know, self proclaimed scholars, they got
them on Fox News. You know, I don't know some lady Ali, who this Daniel, and they're like, you know,
		

			the Muslim woman is oppressed, they need to speak for the Muslim woman, some woman you're imitating
the the mother of Jesus, who we love and revere, right is a chapter named after her in the Quran.
What do you have to say, for people who think that you're oppressed? You know, Alhamdulillah I feel
that Islam has empowered us and I feel incredibly empowered. I don't feel oppressed in any way,
shape, or form, made the decision to wear the hijab on my own against the will of the family
actually and against against the societal norms, but it's just something that I believe in and I
feel that I can you achieve anything as a Muslim woman Alhamdulillah, so no oppression here. And I
		

			usually say I say, Why don't you talk? I mean, is that a good idea? I mean, talk to them as some
woman talk to her. I mean, there's it statistically now, there's more Islam being the fastest
growing way of life in the world, but more women are coming to Islam than men. Why don't you step up
and talk to the Muslim woman Exactly. And I see what happens when we make that connection whether
whether it's flying, whether you're at a at a restaurant, or
		

			Making these kind of connections where you share and you talk and you find that people just really
put down their guards the stereotypes are all they fade away. And just by merely meeting another
Muslim and, and sharing the thoughts and the and it's just it's I think it really changes their
perspective. So get out there and meet a Muslim is what I eat a Muslim and I am. I'm very optimistic
and hopeful. I mean, I'm trying I tried we should as Muslims look for the good in situations
obviously, many of these politicians we mentioned Donald Trump and we'll go off into I just want to
mention this. I'm hoping that
		

			that there'll be good that comes from this from this obviously we want we hope we'll let the
organization's hold those politicians who do unjust things to account but I strongly feel what do
you think that he should sit with Muslims meet the Muslims and fight the Muslims talk with them get
to know us? There's that Canadian Prime Minister he's getting? He's getting decided that he's got it
down. I can't tell us from it from a psychological point of view. I mean, sitting get to know what
these Muslim, these radicals or whoever out there don't represent Islam. Exactly, exactly what the
mainstream community right. And I think that when a politician does that, when they take the time
		

			and effort to get to know the community when they visit the mosque when they go, there was actually
a report recently of a man who, who claimed he said, I hated Muslims, john Dutcher will straight out
tell you what he thought of Muslims. I actually hated Muslims. And he said that once he got
neighbors who were Muslims, and he interacted with them, he was in tears. And he said, I saw that
you saw that the women with their headdress on you know, I just was sneer at him. Dutcher was
surrounded by the people he loved. But Muslims moving in, moved him. It took this to Yeah, to to
wake me, you know, wake me up. Yeah, a change of heart for the man who didn't realize he had such a
		

			big heart. Yeah, his whole attitude change. And now he's like, they're big brothers. So for
politicians, for anyone out there, if you take the effort and you you go and you meet your
neighbors, you go to the local mosque, and you'll see that it. There's so much more we have in
common, so many, so many unifying forces that we have a lot of commonalities a lot. I mean, if
people would focus on that and make that it's so powerful, that human connection in Islam by itself
is so powerful. There's so much good there. And I think if a lot of these people, you know, would
take the time to come visit us, visit the mosque, get to know, your Muslim neighbor asked those
		

			tough questions. We address them here at the deen show. Right? And as a clinical psychologist, hate
that doesn't just breed more hate it sure does. It sure does. I think if we are instilling this fear
and people fear what it does it it mobilizes people, and it really makes them act irrationally. So
the more fear that is instilled in the hearts of the people, the more radically they react to that
so you find that there's a lot of hate crimes you find that people are they are overreacting and so
definitely if we can instill that sense of commonality focus on that then it truly makes a
difference and what's been very beneficial I think the you know, we always say that everything that
		

			happens there's a wisdom behind and there's all hair and what has happened is that it has galvanized
so many people so many good hearted non Muslims to to solidify and to join and in solidarity with
the Muslims so I find that a lot of hair is coming out of all this a lot of good is coming out
		

			that's what I'm saying look for the good there are a lot of the people are coming out of the
Woodworks right writing a lot of injustice is a lot of this hate pointed towards the Muslims. Yes.
And like this is unjust is not right. And they're getting to know the Muslim there you speak about
you saw the prayer that Muslims would pray. Yeah, that was beautiful. It's beautiful. And when you
tuned into the deen show, and you really get to know what Islam is about. You have a different
understanding a totally different perspective. We're going to be right back. We got to tell we
haven't even touched upon the five pillars of marriage. Yes. We're going to talk about it more you
		

			want to save your marriage. We're going to get into one of these, the top 10 characteristics for
conflict resolution giving people a taste of all the work that's on your site. We'll talk about it
here in the show. Don't go anywhere. Please subscribe to the show. Follow us on our official
Facebook and Twitter pages in the links below. Please also help support the show by making a
donation in the link below.
		

			Back here on the D show, and we already started off with a positive message for the President.
		

			And hopefully he'll take the advice coming from Halla banana Holly
		

			90 years experience now clinical psychologists fight till about this website, five pillars of
marriage. Why did you start? Why'd you name it five pillar, we have the five pillars of Islam. Yeah.
Why did you choose the five pillars of marriage? Well, this is a project my husband and I have been
working on for the past three years lambda law. And the reason we chose the five pillars, these are
the five most important aspects of marriage. And we wanted people to associate it to Islam. And that
it is it is integrated together the the psychological perspective and the Islam. That's what that's
what I do, I bring the two together. And so the the pillars are, you've got the self development,
		

			that's one pillar, right. And that's all about making yourself better, if you're better than you
will bring more to the table, you'll bring more to your marriage. The second pillar is friendship,
which is, you know, they've done research that those individuals who, whose marriages last 20 3040
years, it's because they had a friendship with their spouse. The third one is,
		

			is spirituality, which is that being aware of being God conscious, and knowing that everything that
you do, you're going to be held accountable for. fourth pillar is conflict resolution. And that's
the meat of the of the program where you learn how to resolve conflict, what to do to avoid it, what
to do after a fight, it's just all the issues that come up and how to deal with it. And the fifth
pillar is a physical intimacy. And, and I put him in order for a reason, just use a lot of
psychology, and that is that we have to work on ourselves first, then we build the friendship, we
have to be aware of a law to resolve the conflict. And once we resolve the conflict, and all those
		

			things are in place, then you can open up and be physical. Till it what do you think so this is a
great I've, I've spent some time on the site, you got a an area where it says start here, or you
break it down? I'll get into more of that in a few. But tell me, have you heard of I had this best
selling New York Times best selling author, Laura Doyle, who was on the program from the surrender
surrendering wife, right. And she talks about what's the difference between you've done a lot of
marriage counseling? What's the difference between the traditional behavioral counseling and the
kind of counseling that you that you that you do, right, very different, quite different. I do
		

			cognitive behavioral therapy, and I do short term solution focused therapy. That's why men love it.
Actually, men are coming Middle Eastern men coming to therapy, and they're enjoying the process, the
law, because it is very much geared towards changing the cognition, the way you think about things
in order to change the behavior. And it's really, it's really interesting, because when, when a
couple comes to me, it's not so much about, you know, just tell me your problems, right? It's not
just about he said, she said, because sometimes when people do that, it gets heated. And they get
they're more upset after the
		

			fact. And many therapists use that. Use that approach. But at Hamdulillah, I have a very different,
a completely different approach and a methodology that I've designed myself. And it's very much when
they come Actually, I get them on that first session. They're giggling, they're bonding, they're
sharing. And it's just, it's a way of uniting the couple of hamdulillah. It's not like a trash me
session, like
		

			she talks about, right. And she quoted a UCLA study, that actually most people who go to that type,
yeah, counseling. year later, some of the marriages just fail, it doesn't work. Did you sitting
there disrespecting each other just trashing each other? Of course, no, I don't allow that in the
session. It's very much about coming on the same page, finding things that they can, you know, kind
of recapturing the past, and learning how to have a good marriage. That's the focus. I said, we can
take that route of he said, she said, it's a long and expensive route. The men are like, No, no, no,
no, we're not going to take that route. Or we can learn how to have a good marriage. And that's the
		

			route we take and hamdulillah I've been seeing amazing results you have on your section. Here is is
conflict resolution. Let's give them a taste, sir, you have the top 10 I'm going to not go into any
chronological order. I'll just, you can elaborate a few on few of these. One of them is positivity,
you start off with positivity, right? This is the characteristic, the 10 characteristics to have,
before you even get into a conflict. It's so important to be positive because some people come in to
a therapy session. And they're just they're so negative, they're so pessimistic. They have no hope.
They feel like this is over. And with that mentality, we're not going to make progress. So as a man
		

			as a believer, we are we are trained, we have no option but to be positive, right. So we have to
have that listener than think the best of Allah
		

			think that everything that is happening is good for us. And so when you're positive, you come in
with a certain energy and you're ready to make things, change things around. Next one is empathy,
empathy, empathy. It's all about feeling for the other person. A lot of times people come in and
they're so selfish. They're just thinking about me, me, me, right? But when you are empathetic,
you're thinking about your spouse, you're thinking about, where are they coming from? What are they
feeling? And we dig deep, we realize what's behind their position, and where, where are they coming
from. And once once I see couples understand that, they can resolve issues, acceptance, acceptance,
		

			okay, we all want to be accepted, we all want to feel loved and accepted. And when you give your
spouse that feeling of acceptance, and it's just it is the most wonderful feeling. And that means
not trying to change them, not trying to make them, you know, either thinner or more religious or
change their careers. It's about accepting them for who they are. Now, if someone says on the other
end, well, how can I accept someone let's say that's transgressing all sorts of limits? How do you
do it? It's like an art there. That is a positive change where Okay, you accept them for you. But
then for the for some, maybe someone has some negative habits, what do you do? Well, I have that on
		

			the conflict resolution and talking about how sometimes you have a mismatch spirituality actually, I
think it's on spirituality, the pillar of spirituality. And there are definitely methodologies ways
that by being a good example, by encouragement, never by demanding never by becoming a parent to
your spouse, and you know, telling them you have to pray you haven't prayed and, and nagging in that
sort of way. So there's definitely a way of encouraging each other to be our best, but not
necessarily, in forcing it. So you go over all that? Yes, I do on three, five pillars of marriage.
We're gonna be right back with more, we got to cover these 10 keys for the top characteristics for
		

			conflict resolution, we covered a few of them, we're giving you a taste. This is a great website,
great resource for your marriage. We'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Please subscribe to the
show. Follow us on our official Facebook and Twitter pages in the links below. Please also help
support the show by making a donation in the link below.
		

			Back here on the deen show, five pillars of marriage is the five pillars of marriage calm, yes, five
pillars of marriage.com we're giving you a taste of what's on this site. And before I get into
touching upon some more of these, some people are just really, they become despondent, they become
really, they've given up on their marriage. They'd like whatever you reading these things to me. I'm
just not there. What do you say in this situation? If you like as a sinking ship, right, I always
tell them, don't give up and give it one last try. Because a lot of times people want that emotional
connection. They feel like this marriage, I don't have the emotional connection, I want more. I want
		

			more intimacy, I want more of a feeling like my spouse has my back. They're supportive. They're
comforting, and I'm sick and tired of the fighting and the ignoring and the explosions. So what I
tell them is that, you know, it's, I understand that many times people have given it a lot of
effort. And I don't doubt that it's not a lack of effort. It's the lack of the correct knowledge and
the correct methodologies. So it's really about learning, learning effective ways that can really
change things up. Do you see that? Because we've developed a lot of throughout life, we just kind of
things been passed down from our parents, maybe right? Maybe they didn't have the best of marriages.
		

			So we do things how dad did or mom did. So maybe she was desperate, disrespecting, he was
disrespectful, he wasn't helpful. And now we kind of just, you know, we don't have the tools, proper
data to go ahead and implement and it's just in shambles, where we have it. We have I mean, we have
the Quran. Yes, we have the example of the of the last and final messenger, Muhammad.
		

			So now, and then the application and that's one of the things you talked about wisdom, right, apply
it. So how do you from years of just doing it, like Burger King, your own way, right? And now, this
is coming to you many, many people, they haven't had these tools. How do you get all this? Where
it's, it's it's something now you can start?
		

			Because you've been doing it just your way for so long. And now how do you make that transition?
Right? It is we are so affected by our environment by our parents. And like you said, many people
don't have the example. So that's why a program like this, when you go through it and you learn it,
then you can actually it's kind of like resetting your whole outlook on marriage. It's it's
rebooting it completely and learning
		

			from scratch, because a lot of times, all it takes is just making some simple changes. I had this
one couple come in, the wife cried throughout the whole first session, the man was like I'm giving
up, right. And it was just a matter of applying some of these techniques and learning new ways of
dealing with one another overlooking forgiving and then and then learning how to resolve the
conflict that sopapilla within a few short sessions. They were on their second honeymoon, you know,
so it works when you learn the new techniques and new apply it. So the wisdom that you asked about?
Is that what you're asking, and that's one of the characteristics. Yes, yeah, yes. Wisdom, I would
		

			say I would highlight that and underline it, because that is so critical for us to have wisdom to
add wisdom is defined as knowing what to say how to say it, when to say it and to whom to say it to.
So it takes a lot of wisdom to have any kind of good relationship, especially when it comes to
marriage. emotional stability, I think this is very, very powerful. You have it there. Yeah,
sometimes we just lose ourselves in our emotions, right? Men and women both right? Sometimes men,
they might be emotionally unstable, they get angry and reactionary. women become very unstable,
emotionally, maybe having all sorts of outbursts. So for me, I think this is very critical. I spent
		

			like almost two years teaching this in in Dallas and one of the mosque talking about emotional
stability, how important it is, as a Muslim to be able to control our reaction, our emotions,
because that is what true strength of character is not just not just being impulsive, but thinking
through an acting in a way, just like the Prophet salatu salam having that kind of prophetic
character. Okay, a lot of I mean, is there, I don't think there's any arguing with with any of these
things. It just makes sense. And anyone who's reasonable, rational and really wants, you know, to do
things the right way. I mean, it's here, but how do you get when there's one party's like, let's
		

			stick to it, let's just do this, okay, we're gonna, but then the other party is kind of like halfway
there. It's like, they keep going back to those bad habits, right. And this happens a lot, right, so
many people come in, and maybe the husband is dragging his feet to come into the session. And
sometimes it's the it's the woman not being very open and receptive. So what I tell people is that
even if you're the only one working on your marriage, you can save it now how, because as you change
yourself, then your spouse is going to react to you differently, right, because you're making
changes, you're overcoming your shortcomings. Maybe you had a temper, and then you learn how to
		

			control your anger. Maybe you're you weren't very affectionate, so you learn to be more
affectionate. So obviously, that's going to have an impact on your spouse. And if you do that long
enough, and you're patient enough, then you're going to see that it totally transforms the
relationship because you're no longer the same person. And so even if you're the only one going
through the program, you can, you can inshallah, save your marriage by applying, applying the things
I'm working on yourself. Because law Yokai, euroma, befoul, Manhattan euroma, IBM for him that Allah
does not change the condition of the people until they change themselves. So we can work on
		

			ourselves, we can improve it, and then our relationship inshallah will improve as well. Is it
pretty? I'm seeing it's pretty easy to navigate you also, I like this where I'm gonna say five
pillars of marriage. Yes. As a section, start here. As soon as you get on start right there. Yeah,
so I noticed the videos, they're not too long and a beginner short, right? They're short videos,
every subject has a separate video. And that way, it keeps the person's attention. And it's talking
about how go through it in order, you don't want to skip because some people may be like, Oh, I have
the conflict. So I want to just like jump right into that. But if you take it in order, it builds
		

			and there's a psychological reason for the order that I've chosen. You even have a bonus section
here and reality. You know, you have other laws, you know, things that anger management, right, a
very special, a special bonus that we have, I had chef he also called the to a one hour special for
the program and also chef Omar Suleiman. And they talked about the rights and responsibilities of
the marriage and also about the fit of the fit of marriage and the courting period. Okay, so people
are seeing right here, they're getting a little glimpse of it, right? We're giving them a little
taste of some of the stuff that's on there with you the person that's in charge who's put this
		

			together, all in essence of trying to save the marriages. It's a big disaster nowadays. It really
is. It's so sad. I mean, every single day, I have people who come in, who are you know, they've been
married for maybe 18 years.
		

			And they're fed up and they're ready to call it quits, their people come in, and there's been
cheating. There's infidelity from both sides, unfortunately. So what this does is that not everyone
is motivated to go to a therapist, not everyone can financially afford it. So this is something you
can do in the privacy of your own home, you log on you, if you get it today, you can start today. So
it's not something like you have to wait for a specific time. And in the comfort of your own home,
you learn it, and then you can apply it and start changing your marriage, people can also count. So
that's what say the website again, that's five, the number of five pillars of marriage.com. And you
		

			also do private sessions via Skype. And yes, people get your content, right, that's a holla
banani.com and you can have I do
		

			Skype therapy sessions with people from around the world. Alhamdulillah Thank you very much. We look
forward to having you back again on the show. My God Almighty Allah bless you for your wonderful
work. Does that calaca Thank you for having me on. Thank you. There you have it started off with a
message for our President Donald Trump, looking for the good in situations holding people
accountable for the injustice they're doing. But given advice to make the human connection with the
Muslims, and get to know the Muslims, get to know Islam, call us at one 800 662 Islam, and then
saving your marriage is a great resource five pillars of marriage. Check it out, get it, save your
		

			marriage, and we'll see you next time here to the show. Until then Peace be with you.