Channel: Daood Butt
Marriage Conference (Malaysia) – Monsta in Laws | Sheikh Daood Butt
MONSTA IN LAWS
Having issues with the in laws? Help is at hand, find out how to deal with in laws and potential conflicts.
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Bismillah Rahim hamdulillah salat wa salam ala rasulillah.
Brothers and sisters in Malaysia, around the world, people on YouTube or on TV, whoever's watching
the sun. Mr. aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
Mashallah, that's why see. Dr. Idris is here.
I will change.
Brothers and sisters, today's topic is an interesting one. In fact, I'm looking for chef. Yeah. And I don't see him and that's good.
That's good for me, because not too long ago, a few weeks ago, in fact, Jeff, yeah, he was in Toronto. And he taught a course.
I think it was the Muslim DNA for Kota and Pamela, my wife attended this course. And I was babysitting for the whole weekend.
And at the end of the weekend, my wife comes home, and she's teaching me how to be a better person.
And she says, You need to be more like chef.
And today, I learned something from chef. Yeah.
I like to iron. I do the laundry when I can.
I wash the dishes.
I take out the garbage. But I don't do one thing that he does.
He seems to constantly say as we could tell from his lecture, he constantly turns to his wife while he's hanging up his laundry outside
and says, Hey, baby.
So I'm going to start doing that with my wife and show my
brothers and sisters Today's topic is with regards to
the monster in law.
No monsters in law, both the mother in law and father in law. But before we get into the topic, I want to see a raise of hands. How many of you are married? Raise your hand.
Whoa, how can more brothers are married than sisters? Something's wrong here.
Okay, raise your hand if you are a mother in law?
Are you scared because we called you a monster?
How many of you are father in law's?
How many of you want to be a mother in law or father in law?
I hope so. How many of you are too scared to talk about marriage that you shouldn't even be here today?
All the sisters.
All the brothers are like, nope, we're getting married tonight.
My brothers and sisters with regards to monster in laws or in laws in general.
It is important for you to live a life that is so attractive to your spouse to your future spouse. In fact, you're so attractive to your future mother in law, to the extent that the proposal comes from them before you going to them to propose to their daughter.
Did you get that? So point number one, write it down. When you want to choose a spouse, make sure you're chosen.
When you want to choose a spouse, make sure that you're chosen. And some handle I actually learned this. And I'll tell you I have an amazing relationship with my mother in law and father in law. Absolutely amazing. It's so beautiful.
I'll finish with I'll finish my lecture with it. Right? I'll tell you what happens. But it's so beautiful. So Panama, that my mother in law and father in law, were deciding and discussing with my wife before we got married, who they should marry their daughter off to. And they were the ones that went and took the proposal to my mother and father and I had no idea. In fact, my parents kept it a secret for four weeks. for almost three weeks. I had no idea that a proposal had come forward. And so panela when that proposal came, or my mother slipped and she told me I was like what
You guys doing like keeping this a secret? You should tell me right? This is an amazing person. Some of the sisters know my wife, right? hamdulillah I'm absolutely happy in that marriage, right. And I'm even happier that Allah Subhana, which Allah has blessed me, with great in laws with a problem in our marriage, I would say it's not really a problem in our marriage. But the issue that I find is that I slack off
with dealing with my parents problems. So the issues that the husband has with his family, he must deal with those problems, the issues that our daughter has with her family or the wife has with her family, those are her issues, to sort out. My brothers and sisters when you go over to propose,
before we even start talking about these people becoming your in laws, or before we even start discussing the fact that you know that that sister would become your wife, you have to make sure that when you go over you are your natural self. If you want to have a nice relationship with your in laws, make sure that from day one, when you go over with that proposal, you don't walk into the house and show up Mashallah wearing a nice job. And you walk in your next panelist
and you walk through the door You know, you knock on the door and they open the door like summer they come you like walk to Sala
and you haven't prayed for a week. And you're like, what the Salah can we pray in your living room. And then like who is this guy who's he think is and you're going into like a long line.
Look at him. He's musala his son and he came
When choosing a spouse, and trying to have great in laws, make sure that you are your natural self. Go there as the person you are in reality.
Stand in front of them and show them this is me. You want this this is who I am. You're not happy. Then I will go to someone else's house and knock on the door and call the event right.
Remember that your in laws are going to be the parents of your children.
Never think that you're choosing a spouse and this is a big problem that a lot of youth have today. A lot of young adults, they think oh Masha la gente LA, right? They're choosing a beautiful person very cute. Very nice. Mashallah. And they think or, you know, the family father smokes mother's she goes out with friends that hijab, what do you call it too long? too long, right? No, too long. Right? And Subhanallah you're thinking, Okay, I'm gonna make the relationship between myself and my spouse, a beautiful relationship. But it doesn't matter what the family thinks it doesn't matter how the family is because I'm not marrying the family. How many of you heard that statement before? I'm
not marrying the family? I'm marrying their daughter? Have you heard that before? Yes, that boy, Lila, you cannot do that. You can't go into a home, thinking you're going to steal that daughter away or steal that son away and just, you know, repel the family. Yes. When you do get married in the future, that is your spouse, you will live together, you will enjoy life together, you will have children together. But if something happens to you, after your children are born, or after your marriage, 10 years, 15 years down the line, you're in a car accident, you get hit you pass away? Who's going to look after your children? Who's going to care for your family? Who's going to raise
and instill values and morals in the lives of your children?
Are you just going to stand there and make your hand and say oh, unless something happens to me just send gibreel to them.
Right? Just send your buddy in. Let him let the children fly in his wings. So Pamela, you can do that. So when you're choosing a spouse, you're also choosing the next generation or the next level parents of your children. And that's a responsibility that we all have. My brothers and sisters, this is an interesting issue that almost all of society faces. How many of you get married or are going to get married? thinking you're going to live at your parents or your in laws house for the first little while? Raise your hand.
Be honest, don't say no, no, I don't intend to but you know, you have no choice, right? So be honest. Quite a few of you.
Especially the brothers because we're thinking you know what society is different is very difficult. I got no money right? got no money ring it is like going down gasoline prices are going down. Right the ring it you know against the US dollars like 3.62 now, it's nothing. How are you going to buy a house? How are you going to buy a car? You can barely even go to Tesco. Right? So Pamela it's difficult.
And never forget brothers and sisters.
That it might come to a point in time where you decide to live in your parents house.
You get married? You don't have enough money. You're still in university.
Your wife might still be in university as well.
And you think it's okay law?
We'll live with my parents, right? Everything's gonna be fine.
And then you start living with your in laws. Oh, no.
What happens when brothers live with their parents? Are you happy? Of course you're happy your wife's cooking the food your mom's doing the laundry? Right your father's babysitting the children beautiful life. Sisters. What happens when you get married and live in your with your in laws?
You don't see hands this time you see them going like this and
no one's gonna have
no way not living with my in laws. Why not?
Some of the biggest problems that young couples make is that they live with their in laws, especially for the first few years. And we understand that this is difficult. We understand financially you're not capable. We understand that the son of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is to get married early, especially when your desires are like running through this the ceiling of P ICC. Right? And you're noticing there's 1500 single people sitting in the same room. And you're like, oh, what am I gonna do?
And so you're like, let's just get married and live at home. You get married? You live at home?
Brothers might feel comfortable. Sisters now. There's a problem. Why? There's only one queen in a castle?
There's only one queen in every single castle. For the brothers that have two queens. How many castles do you have?
Right You have two castles for the brothers that have three queens how many castles do you have? Three. When the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam had multiple queens. How many houses Do they have are castles. One for each one.
That is the son of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam. Now it's okay if you want to live with your parents or your in laws. But be ready. Get ready. Because problems are going to happen. Your wife now she wants to cook supper, right? Your mother says
We're not the whole house to smell like bone. like onions. Right? We're gonna get takeaway. When I'm cooking in the house. When she cooks. She always burns the onions. Not cooking in my house. And she's like but I want to cook something nice for my husband. He's nice 10 feet like you know his yard is your son. Though problem. a subpoena law. It becomes an issue. Then you notice husband and wife go out, leave the house. You come home.
Your bed is made.
Who made her bed?
You realize the laundry is gone.
You look in the cupboard. Everything is hanging up and ironed and nice and neat. color coded with barcodes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. All right. Everything's perfect. And the husband is thinking benefits of living at home. But the wife is thinking she entered my space.
And that is found in the son of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam when he married off his children, did he keep them in their home? Or did they go and live with their husband? When the companions of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam got married? Did they live at home? Or did they go and find their own place to live? What's encouraged is in Islam that you find your own home. And I don't want to spend too much time on this one on this point. But really a statement needs to be said or made.
And this goes to the brothers man up and move out.
Man up and move out.
when I got married
when I got married, I got married before I left to go study in Medina.
And I lived away from my wife for seven and a half years.
Yeah, come to LA.
I had best. I had the best of both worlds. I was a married man for three months of the year, and I was a bachelor for nine months. What more could you want?
For seven and a half years, though my wife was in Canada, I was in Medina, I was praying in mustard, another week, she was praying in my parents living room.
It's not good.
And every single time there's an issue, who has to deal with it, who has to deal with it. Of course, if the wife is living in her in law's house, she does not have to deal with it. And that brings us to another point, brothers, you need to man up and move out. You need to actually give your wife, your spouse a home, she needs to have her space, she needs to have her kitchen, she needs to be in her domain, you need to have rules for your own family, you need to raise your children the way you want your children to be raised, not the way that your parents raised you. Maybe your parents did good. Maybe your parents did bad. Maybe their parents did a balance of both, and you want to
eliminate the bad and increase in the good. And that's your responsibility. And that's only done when you actually have your own home.
It's hard. It's difficult. But like Chef yahia said, marriage is hard work. It's hard work. Try living apart for two weeks, I'm on this trip for 15 days. I've been away from my wife for seven and a half years. And then we live together in Malaysia for four years. And now when I leave her for two weeks to come to truly Asia, I'm like missing her. I want my own space with her. I want my own family with her. And that's what you're going to get when you man up and move out. Brothers and sisters, some of the issues that mother in law and father in law have with their son in law and daughter in law this is what we're going to go through a few points three or four, you know with
regards to the way that parents or in laws treat their son in law and daughter in law as well as some of the issues that some of the son in law and daughter in law have with the way that they treat their their in laws, their parents, okay, so let's take a beautiful example from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam from the life of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam there was a time where his son in law, his son in law, who was the son in love the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi wasallam, who was married to family model the Allahu Allah,
who Allah He was also known as,
to rob, who is able to rob
you just said it, who was able to rob, earlier of the lover and what did earlier the Aloha and do. There was a time there was a day where he was arguing they had a disagreement, the two of them fought him out of the lohana and earlier of the lover and they disagreed on something. Minor fight, no big deal. did earlier of the Lohan run over to someone else's home. No, he sought seclusion close to a loss of Hannah who went to Hana, he went to muster the number we must have the number we at that time didn't have the beautiful plush carpet with you know, the white marble floors and the marble pillars and the golden trim and the air conditioning and so on and so forth. He went to
muster the nubbly and the ground the floor the carpet of the mustard was sand.
And so he laid down to take a break. It was hot, he was sweating. And so he took off his top part of his clothing and he had his ease out right his What do you guys call it? It's our own.
And he laid down inside the mustard and went to sleep. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he came to the mustard he saw earlier of the Aloha and laying there and there was dirt or dust or sand on him obviously it's the desert you sweat what happens when you go to Langkawi and you come out of the water after swimming and you lay down in the sand? It's next to you. So the profits on the long run a US lm nicknamed
Elliott or the lover, an Abu taraba. Who knows what that means.
What is about Rob?
Rob, Rob is dirt or just
imagine your mother in law her father in law calls you, keeper of the dirt.
Of course the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam didn't do that. But when you think of the name, the person or the one the companion of dirt, the one who has dirt on him, and this stuck with him until today. We still hear the idea of the Aloha is known as a boot off the person
Who had dirt on him? And the person who nicknamed him was his father in law? Imagine brothers or even sisters, your father in law says something bad to you. What do you do? Excuse me, the way you're talking to me like that. Right?
Right. That's what we see.
Of course, we know the Malaysian sisters are like,
they just walk away without saying anything. At least we hope so. They look so innocent. I don't know what happens behind the walls.
But brothers and sisters, the point I'm trying to make is the relationship that you need to have with your mother in law with your father in law, even when they insult you. Or even when they say something that might not make you feel happy, you turn it into something pleasant, you make it something enjoyable, you are extremely excited that I am now known as Rob, that's me. That's the nickname my father in law gave me and you better believe it, right? And so you keep your head up high. And you live and you work and you try to communicate with them in the best, most ideal fashion. Children in law dealing with their parents in law, an issue that some of the children have.
So for example, son in law or daughter in law, when they treat their in laws badly, sometimes they tend to disrespect their elders. Now and Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, there are few people or a few types of people that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned are the people of jahannam. And from the people of jahannam, are those who are disrespectful.
Did you hear that? Are you married, looking to get married, and you want to disrespect your parents, or your in laws, the people of jahannam are those who are disrespectful.
Having respect for our parents, having respect for the the parents of our spouse, is a responsibility that every single Muslim carries on their shoulders. So write it down. And remember, this responsibility is one you must carry. For those of you the 1500 of you that are not married today.
Another issue that children tend to have, or you know, sons and daughter in laws, when dealing with their in laws, is that they have an argument. And in this argument, you know, husband wife having an argument, they then say, Your family is not mine. That's your problem. Your family is like this, your family is like that you guys do this, you guys do that? That's your family, right? And we noticed that families tend to sometimes sit down together and criticize the other person's family. And a lot of the time it's done in front of the face of one of those family members. So for example, the daughter in law is sitting with her husband inside her in law's house with her children. And the
parents are sitting there with their other children and say, Oh, you know, like, you told them, you made a mistake. Look, look how their family is cheating on all this stuff. You know, this is the way they are. And so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi. wasallam teaches us that we need to be respectful, we need to live with each other correctly. And we need to also learn to bring the family ties together.
When we sever family ties, we go against the command of Allah subhanho wa Taala we go against the command of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, this is not to be done. This is wrong. This is how long we are not allowed to cut family ties. So don't marry someone and say, Oh, you know what, I'm marrying her. But I'm not marrying her family. And every single time she wants to go over to her family or her parents house, you say okay, you go with the children. And I'm just gonna go over to like Dr. cafe and meet my friends. No, you've got an issue with your in laws, go and resolve the issue. Talk about it, discuss it, stick with each other. Get over the problem, brothers and sisters.
Number three, discouraging your spouse from respecting their parents. Sometimes, especially when you're living in the home of your parents as a married couple. So for example, brothers, you get married, you bring your wife into your parents home.
Your mom says you know your wife. You're going to work all day. She sits at home and she's just playing on her phone.
She's like WhatsApp, or Facebook or something all day long. What is she doing talk to her? And so you go to your wife and you're like, Hey,
what is this? You're sitting at home doing nothing all day, my mom's slaving over you? No.
Do not do that. Do not bring hatred into the family. Do not disrespect one another. Do not encourage the other to disrespect their parents. Another problem that happens is that sometimes the sun for exams
Do something wrong and I'm picking on the brothers a lot because usually when you get married, you bring the wife to your house, right? So, discouraging your spouse from respecting their parents is, you know, as a wife, you sometimes will tell your husband, or you know, your parents are too controlling. You know, your parents, they do this, many parents do like this and they're like that and you criticize them non stop. And by doing so, you're pulling your husband away from his parents. You should be encouraging him to go closer to his parents, encouraging him to respect them, encouraging him to do more for his parents, and then encouraging him to man up and move out.
The parents in law so we'll take five points here inshallah parents in law, because we have three more minutes.
Parents, you tend to do this to your son in law, her daughter in law, you're too harsh. You know, your son comes over he brings his wife, especially the mother in law, mother in law and daughter in law never get along for some reason.
why? Why don't you get along? What's the issue?
Especially when you're visiting their house like you have your own home? What's the issue? If your mother in law starts to criticize you just be like, Okay, my hijab doesn't match me. You know my budget wrong. No big deal. Tomorrow, I'll wear a nice pink and purple one. It matches, right. Get over the issue. Try and mend the hearts and shot along to highlight point number two overprotective parents, overprotective parents stop siding with your son. He's not the best person on earth. Right? Stop doing that stop being over protective. Oh, you know what? She's not doing the laundry properly. She is not making the bed the way he likes it. She's not polishing his shoes, the way he likes his
shoes to be polished in the morning. She's not wiping off this the windscreen on the front of his helmet. When he's riding his motorbike and he comes home. She doesn't do that I need to go and do it myself. Because she's no good for them. For him for my son. No, we don't do this. Your son got married to someone, your daughter got married to someone, let them live. Let them enjoy it, let them explore. Let them try and figure out how to live together. I've told you my two year theory before and I'm not going to go over it today unless they give me another slot to do a lecture. My two year theory is very interesting. For those of you that don't know it, tip
number three jealousy. Parents, when you marry off your children, don't be jealous, be happy. Let them enjoy themselves. Let them go out and have fun. Don't be jealous that oh, this girl she took my son away? Who does she think she is? Right?
Don't do that. Don't be jealous. If anything ever happens to you, your children will be there. And sadly, brothers and sisters, you know, today is the day where everyone goes and buys flowers and chocolates and 13.7 or whatever $18.7 billion is spent in one day, because it's so called you know, the day.
Right? The so called Valentine's Day, the one day that everyone does things, we should be buying these gifts for our family members all the time. All the time. Number four taking the side of the Son, even though he's wrong.
Right, so siding with him or with her even though they're wrong. And number five, because I'm short on time, injustice, do not have or use injustice towards your children. I'll tell you how I remember I said I had a beaut I have a beautiful relationship with my in laws. And hopefully my wife gets to watch this video because she's gonna be like,
I go over to my mother in law's place my mother in law and father in law. And when I go over my mother in law because she's old, she's Canadian grew up on the east coast of Canada. She's you know, mid 70s. She is old fashioned for her. When the husband comes home, he's done his work. Now it's time for him to relax and pamper himself. Right.
What do you guys call it here? Mangia?
pamper yourself like magic. Aki, right. Go for a foot massage.
So when I go to my mother in law and father in law's place, you know, they tell me my mother in law. She tells my wife she's like Don't do that. Don't let don't get up. Let him sit down. What are you doing? And then she's like, put a put a pillow under his feet. So I'll be sitting down chilling like this with a pillow under my feet stretched out and I can't do a single thing. Like she'll bring the tea right to me and give it to me. What do you need something else wants some sugar and there's put in and stir it for me and do everything. It's beautiful. It's awesome. And then my wife's like, Wait till we get home.
So brothers and sisters, you want to be treated like that.
Let your in laws choose you like the proposal come from them. So now brothers and sisters is gonna be Oh wait, I thought we're supposed to get married today. Well, if your parents and you have children and you saw the debate this morning, try and marry your children off young. Right? Try and marry your children off young. My time is up Jazakallah Highlander Sutton la selama Baraka, Nana b&m Mohammed varla. Earlier Sonia Salim Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.