Hangout 16 – Ummah Building – Abdurraheem Mccarthy

			Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh This
is your brother Boehner Mohammed coming at you with another episode of hangout where we hang out.
And we have another great guests with us here. She's up there he McCarthy said I'll give him the de
la calaca for joining us on another great episode of hangout very excited to have you and we were
talking a little bit about a building a strong oma, you know, a lot of times when we when we talk
about the oma, you know, this this great nation of ours, we have such a great legacy. But people
kind of feel as though the oma is slowing down a bit, you know, we're not where we used to be, how
		

			do we get back to those glory days of this, you know, grand oma, that we're all you know, so
familiar about hearing about number smilla Rahmanir Rahim, you know, I think one of the main
problems we have is that most of the people they're looking at the solution through, you know, they
weren't looking at the big picture, what's happening to them around the world, and they want to
solve it from the top. And then the problem, you can't solve any problem from the top, you have to
solve the problem from the roots. So we go back, what is the root of the problem that we have, we'll
go back to that it's us, it's the individual. And it's unfortunate, we don't focus on this enough.
		

			So we go back to the, you know, the grass roots of how the almost built, the prophet SAW Selim when
he made the tibia in the beginning, and he said to me focused on itself, and the companions, each
one's focusing on themselves in the beginning how to make to be of themselves. And then when when
stage two came when they went to Medina, and it came time to take this lamp to another level, they
were, they were ready to do it. But now unfortunately, we want to do something for Islam, none of us
are ready. So we haven't built the proper foundation. So it all goes back to the individual, even
the last panel, what Donna talks about the most even when it happens to you, he says, Be my customer
		

			ad, compare what your hands have done and what you've done yourself. Okay, so well, masaba masaba
law says no mercy when it comes to sabemos eBay except for what your own hands have done. So it
comes back to us all the time, and the foundation in. So if we go back, want to build a proper oma
that we start by building ourselves, first and foremost, and then go on to step two and step three,
in general. It's not just the Muslim leaders. Yeah, this is it. And then we want to focus on the
Muslim leader, how corrupt they are, when we're just as corrupt unfortunately, and then the Muslims,
and it's about Allah as this, as the scholars always mentioned, if we were to know our role as
		

			Muslims, and we were to practice our religion correctly, then it's like the domino effect, where you
start to practice your family starts to practice, then those closest are present in your community.
And then also, if everybody starts to do that, then the leader in themselves will fall into line as
well. Right, right. And obviously us, you know, as individuals, we're all we're all part of family
units. And the family does occupy a huge role in this discussion and a lot of times our Muslim
families are quite dysfunctional you know, and and a lot of people watching here are coming from the
west, you know, Western families and Muslims living in the West. So can you give us some ideas and
		

			advice so how we can build you know, strong Muslim families that are the you know, the foundation
building blocks of the strong Ummah, you know, this when you look at the importance of this last two
panels, Allah says his two sisters in the Quran, yeah, you know, who am Fusco como una? Oh, you who
have believed, protect yourself, and your family from the hellfire. So it starts with who once again
with ourselves. And I always tell my students, if we were to start with this guy and just implement
this, you will find the effect is going to have on the woman if all of us were to come together now.
And to
		

			you know, strive to protect ourselves from the Hellfire embrace, and then strive to be with our
families, it's going to have the effect on the home after that. So once again, it starts with the
foundation. And we talked about the foundation spawn, even studies have proven now any modern
studies that about 90% of what children have in their life, what they grow up with. It's from what
they see in the homes. So we don't we don't realize how much of an effect we have on our children.
And they look at us as role models. And what they do in everyday life. They take it from what they
see mama and Baba doing, and mommy and daddy what they see them doing at a young age. And then when
		

			a lot of times we blame it on the school, we blame it on the sister, we we love the blame game as
Muslims, we always will put the problems in the faults with somebody else. But always when we go
back and we look at, you know, what are you doing in your household? And what have you done for your
children to know, to raise them a proper Islamic upbringing, you'll find that, you know, Islam is
here and where they've been taught from a young age and what they've been seeing. And we don't
realize the effects that it has. You know, when someone I'll tell you a story that happened to me
when I was when I was young, I was in school, and America I was in first grade. And you know, the
		

			biggest role model to me at that time was my father obviously. And my father used to smoke so and I
thought it was really cool to smoke, you know, so I remember I took the pack of cigarettes and the
matches, it was empty the cigarettes but had the matches. And I want to be like my dad, you know, so
I'm going to school. And obviously being a good student. I was I was sitting the back I was the
Thrall the real learning happens.
		

			And I had all my homework and things were supposed to be taking home, my family stuffed into my
desk, you know. So I'm in the back and I took out my bag.
		

			And I'm just, you know, pretending like I'm lighting. It's like like my cigarette like my dad. And I
hit the the magic book by mistake and it lights. So everyone lit in my hand, I got scared, I threw
it into the desk drawer, the window goes up, all your homework is burned.
		

			Excuse me, not
		

			so smart. But just that, as an example, we don't realize how this affects our children, because I
saw my father doing this. So I thought it was cool. When we're lazy with our prayers, you'll find
the kids are lazy with their prayers. So when some of this set of early scholars used to say that I
find the effect of my sins on my family, the effect of my sins I find on my family, and this is the
reality. So when we realize we have to start on the foundation, the importance of, you know,
properly establishing ourselves as individuals, and then our homes, and that's how we're gonna build
up. And I know a lot of times, there's a lot of emphasis, for instance, in a marriage, okay, so when
		

			somebody wants to get married, they feel like, you know, the, the onus of the family really rests on
the woman, right? We feel like our family lives really revolve around our wives. And you know,
there's the famous Hadith of the Prophet sometimes that a woman is married for four reasons. And
these four reasons, we kind of stick to them. But are there any other you know, reasons why you
would marry someone of?
		

			You know, to be honest with you that
		

			I think that today we focus on one of the reasons not the main reason, actually. But these reasons
why I would like to point out as well that even for the sisters, she should also look for these four
qualities and the brother as well, really, yeah, so it's not just gonna change a lot. She wants
somebody at the same time, somebody westdene, somebody who's handsome, somebody who's from a good
family, and somebody has money. So any one is the same thing for her. So it's the same qualities
that the man is looking for, the woman should look for as well. But what we don't pay attention to
is that there's other hobbies. So a lot of times you'll find, for example, a brother or a sister,
		

			they get married because of religion, because the promise of send them from these four things he
said, choose what the dean and no doubt the dean and we can maybe go into a little bit why why the
dean is still more important. And so it has such a status, because it's not just because of the dean
itself, because we're Muslims and the religion and it has to be the most important aspect. It's
actually much deeper than that, if you look into it, because the dean is the one thing you know,
when problems occur.
		

			You know, if the family differs, if this, you know, the beauty there stops, if there's a problem
between husband and wife, if she's beautiful, he's handsome, that doesn't really solve the problem
does it? But when there's Dean and there's tequila, then the person's gonna treat the other one just
is what I'm saying. So the D And actually, it's, it's a very deep thing. It's not just you know,
what we see in the beginning machine, a practicing brother practicing sister, but how they treat one
another Well, the one who is truly practicing, as I Scott was mentioned, you know, you might find a
sister who might not be as beautiful, but you know, she has a deep you know, when you when she
		

			leaves the home, you know, that, you know, everything is safe at home, and she's gonna protect
herself, protect your family, and vice versa as well for the brother because they have been. So that
gives you even a peace of heart and peace of mind. Because you know, that person fears a loss upon
what's on it. So the D no doubt is most important. But something very interesting that happened to
me that ramola he mentioned a story. When he was asked, his first wife had died. So he's gonna get
married to a second wife and get married again. And they brought him two options. One of them was
more beautiful and enlightening a collection that was a darker complexion. And they said she had a
		

			problem with her eye. Okay, so she
		

			she had one eye they said, but he asked which one is the one who has the dean out of the two? And
they said this one then she's the one who has issue with the eye and darker complexion. She's not as
more as beautiful but she has the dean Hewerdine is better than this one. She said this is the one I
want. And she was the mother of the Imam Abdullah the son of Mr. Mohammed. May Allah have mercy upon
all of them. So he implemented the sooner looking for the deen. However, he used to give some advice
which people might find strange. He would say before you ask about her Deen asked about her beauty.
So people like you know, how can you my mom and say this? He's the mama of the Sunnah. And and he's
		

			he's fun to send himself because he This is the the fifth in the understanding of the scholars. He
said, because if you find that she's not beautiful, and you reject her, it's like you rejected her
Dean. You see, I'm saying but from the beginning. She's never She doesn't look good. So before you
even asked about the deal, there's nothing else to discuss. Yes, very good because the the we don't
realize that the the the you have the dean, you have the other idea to the person as I mentioned
about the HELOC. You know, the man comes to the sister and also for the woman as well. He did the
same thing that she is the dean in the HELOC did not reject them. So you have the dean you have the
		

			HELOC and you also have the beauty. The process has ordered us to look at this spouse. He said, you
know, look at that was caused you to her nica which caused you to marry her. So each person is
different. You'll find you know some brothers when you talk to them. They say hey, I want a sister
who's you know, super skinny. Like like Bonnie she has razors that she cuts you over and pokes you
with another person don't want a big system. People are different.
		

			People are different, you know. So and you have to see that the elements important why? Because it's
the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with and the process I mentioned another
Heidi, the wife
		

			When when from the best is the one when you look at her, she makes you happy when she looks at you,
you make her happy. So part of that is physical as well, you know. So that physical aspect is very,
very important in that relationship as well. And that's we should look at look at as as a, you know,
as a whole and not just okay, Dean, she doesn't look good, but she has been no, because that can
cause problems later as well. She has Dean, how's your luck? Or mentors or mentors? Good, she looks
good. She did have to be a beauty model. Not everybody has some, you know, he's strong here a little
weaker there, nobody's gonna be perfect. And that's one thing. A lot of the you don't understand as
		

			well with with the media today. Because the stuff when I look at these supermodels all the time, and
they look at, you know, this is just a no, you're not suitable. And the same thing with the
brothers, you know, she's seen with the guy with the six pack, and then the brothers come with a one
pack.
		

			So this is the problem, you know, right? That but once you look at it as a complete package, you
know, you have that's what you have to do to choose the right spouse. And that's so so important for
the,
		

			you know, for the marriage and shelter startup successful and to be strong throughout the marriage.
Here's an interesting question. I know that, of course, people would say that, you know, I want to
find somebody who's, you know, good Dean, and beautiful and all these characteristics, but a lot of
times this other component of their HELOC, and these things, you don't necessarily know unless you
know that person. You know, a lot of times we find it very difficult for a lot of young people, they
don't know how to get to actually know somebody, you know, because a marriage is a big step. And you
might not be willing to commit unless you're kind of sure about this person. So there's this idea of
		

			like, you know, let me get to know them a little bit better. And then, you know, sometimes things
get a little bit carried away. Can you give some ideas or advice around that department? How does
somebody get to know the right spouse? Yeah. First of all, you have to ask around, you know, there's
just just, and there's the old school method, which is still the foundation even to today. There's
like, today, yeah, we have What's up, we have this, you know, but the same thing is that, you know,
you have to ask around, and in general, and if somebody is known for their o'clock, for their good
manners for their bad manners, the people around them know what not to be in a hurry, you can have
		

			several people. And I remember one of the brothers when he's one of the from from our machine when a
brother came as to marry his daughter. And he said, I put the guy you know, through *, the poor
guy, you know, he said, because I did like, you know, some serious interrogation, like he said,
like, I'm back secrets or Secret Service interrogation on the guy to make sure he was suit because I
said, I'm gonna give my daughter, so I had to make sure that if he actually took a few months to
actually answer him, okay, even the green light, I mean, so it doesn't have to be to that extent,
obviously, getting to know people, you know, that doesn't mean we're going to date and things like
		

			that, but you know, talking to them. And in the scholars mentioned, sometimes you should only talk
about that, which has to do with the marriage. And that is true. However, if it's under some
supervision, because you said, sometimes things get carried away, and there's the problem. So if
it's under some supervision, where they're, you know, their parents know, they're talking and maybe
even, might even look at what they're saying what's up, or they may overhear some of the
conversation, in order to make sure that things don't get carried away. That's sometimes what
happens. And people then fall into how long before the marriage, so it's okay to get to know the
		

			people and people have to be blunt, a lot of times to the brothers and the sisters, they have the
problem of being too shy. At the beginning of the marriage, but you have to ask, you have to ask
questions. And you'd be amazed how much you can actually tell by a person when you ask them, you
know, you sit there and I remember, you know, when I got married, I say my wife, she had like 700
questions, Mashallah, like his big, you know, notebook of questions. Yeah. And she said, You didn't
ask any questions, or you don't ask them any questions. And I said, I understood you through your
questions. I was late. So she asked me a lot of questions. I mean, I mean, I never expected that.
		

			Because all the other marriage I've seen no, this is the basic question, but she's going in depth
and everything. And she has it written down. She has this this notebook, she's opened up, she's
asking me this, what do you say about this way, she really made sure that, you know, she knew who I
was from these questions before. That's I mean, that's, that's the best way but obviously, you're
not going to get to know anybody.
		

			And you're really good until obviously, you're gonna know the true person once you once you know,
you're in the house. But just so we can close the door shape on the same thing happens in dating as
well. Those who date, they, obviously they put on a good face as well at the same time. So any of
you make dua to Allah subhanaw taala, you make a staccato, and you try your best, you know, at the
end, you know, the to theophan the, the, the abilities from Allah. So here's another, here's a
scenario for you. Okay. So for instance, say there are two young people that have been dating, okay.
And it's been, you know, you could even say an intimate relationship. So there are, you know,
		

			components of it, which completely are inappropriate. But they feel like, okay, you know, what, I
love this person, I want to get married to them, and I want to turn things around and I want to make
things right. Is that, you know, possible is that feasible for two people who have done done
something, how long to get to then make that Hello, it's very possible and it's very easy. I think
it's difficult because we started wrong. But it's not something that all you need to do is to make
Toba to Allah subhana wa tada to realize that you made a mistake, and then do the right thing. But
it's important that we point out here that the both of the spouses have to repent, if one of them
		

			repent, and the other one's still, you know, if he then it's not permissible for the person to
marry, the one who's designing or the fornicator. So it has to be you know, if the both of them
repent from that, and they realize what they did wrong. They want to do the right thing. That's a
great thing. And that's what they should strive to do, to put into a huddle fashion.
		

			As quick as possible, okay, now another scenario for you, there's a lot of young people who even
contact me. And they'll say, you know, like, brother, I love this sister, she's so amazing. And, you
know, we've been talking and you know, vice versa, the sister loves this guy. And for whatever
reason, you know, they try and bring it to the families, but the families have their own, you know,
expectations, or they want their own cultural specific spouses suitable for them. And these young
people are caught in the middle, you know, they say, I want to be with this person my family's not
allowing me to, and they don't know what to do. Yeah, this is, this is a major problem we face
		

			honestly, you know, and, and how to get ourselves out of this is we have to, you know, we just have
to break out as communities. And I think that one of the things that we have in the West, that the
ones who are the Muslims from the east are, you know, don't have is that we have the ability to be
different. In the West, we have the ability world, most multicultural societies, you know, and I
visited you guys in Toronto. And it's like, you know, we're the white guys were the lesser
population, lots of other color from all around the world, you know, so we enter society like that,
where it's, you know, so multicultural, it's, it's nothing really out of the norm, you know, you'll
		

			see, you know, a white lady with a black guy with a with an Indian guy, Indian guy with a white
lady, and vice versa, whatever, you see all these different relationships happening. So as Muslims,
and we know that the criteria should be the Tuc, well, the person is a good Muslim, that's going to
take care of your daughter.
		

			She's a good sister, she's gonna take care of your son that the mother knows that. And like, for
example, somebody from Pakistan, no, it has to be Pakistani somebody out of has to be, there's
something we need to get rid of. And there's something in the process and describe this, this
culturalism is being moved in saying that there's something that's rotten. And if you look, for
example, in the beginning of Villa de la one, where was he from?
		

			Allah, and where he who was his wife, the sister,
		

			and after a man from the great Sahaba, and from, you know, the cream of the crop, when it comes to
the tribalism, issues of race from the top, you know, from the, and here he is marrying his, his
sister to who to belittle, because of somebody who said, he wasn't just from Habesha, the guy was
used to be a slave. Yeah, you know, and he's a freed slave. And that's all look down upon, you know,
the fact that he's African to them, or the fact they used to be a slave. This is before Islam, it's
all up down upon. But now because he's reached the status, and it's tough one is the man he gave,
you know, that he married his his sister to blend. So this is the thing, we need to look at what and
		

			once we start to break that mold, and we start to pull out as communities, it's going to what it's
going to be,
		

			you know, the change is going to happen, and somebody has to do everybody's, you know, says, No, we
can't have to marry from my culture. And it's not true, because what happens then is people can fall
into Hold on. And then what can happen, and also, when you realize that the families were coming
from abroad and living with us in the West, they need to realize that this is not back home, it's
different. And the children are so much different. I always say, when I'm teaching a course about
home or building, one of the main problems we face in raising our children, is I found that the
parents are from another planet, not just on the same plane, a whole nother planet. And this is the
		

			reality, because the things that kids are going through today, it's, it's something and they look at
like the parents, like you guys are aliens, you don't understand what we're going through. And it's
true when you sit down with Lance to unfortunately, because their mindset is still back home, you
know. And here, this guy was raised in Canada was raised in the US in the UK, he thinks totally
different, she thinks totally different. So now they'll say we forced him to get married. And this
is something not permissible anyways, to force somebody, and they're gonna force him to be married,
and they're still in love with the other person. And then the problem is, and then they get
		

			divorced. And then she comes back home with two or three kids, because she never loved the guy she
was married to. And he and he feels it that she doesn't love him, then they end up having a you
know, bad marriage, and they get divorced. So we have to, you know, just break out from this and
always look who can help you, and who can help you who can get to the parents. And once we start to
break out and gentle toddler, that will be changed. It's a big problem we face it is I mean,
practically speaking, this is another question for you around the scenario. Is it permissible? Or is
it okay for someone to go against what their parents desire? So for instance, your parents are
		

			trying to hook you up with this person, or they want you to go this direction, and you don't want
to, but there's somebody we really want to go with? I mean, can you be married without the consent
or, you know, the blessings of your parents?
		

			You know, I think it's something we have to go against to be honest with you, you know, never let
yourself be pushed into a marriage. Because it's always catastrophe, the divorces we deal with the
family problems, we do we deal with counseling, you know, and the problems we always deal with, it's
because of these people were forced in and they let themselves be forced in. So never let yourself
even if you stay not married, it's better for you than what then to get into a marriage that you
don't want. And the promises that I mentioned, you have to have the permission from the girl you
can't force her and the same thing with with with the boys now that the young men when they come to
		

			get married, the mother is forcing them okay? And it's something to point out that the mother has no
say so in it mean islamically it's the Father has to say so for the for the for the girl, so they
don't have to but what you need to do, you need to, you know, don't force yourself but at the same
time you use wisdom. These your parents and you have to understand they're coming from a different
mindset from you. And they want your good they want they think this you know, because I know I know
so many brothers For example, when they come
		

			I know our brother he's from he was from Syria may last month I went east to the people of Syria. So
he was when he was looking to get married. His mother was very keen that he married a Syrian sister.
And he was working in Tao when he went to marry some, some reverse sisters. And he, she was like,
you know, they don't know how to take care of you, and they know how to cook the Syrian food, which
in a way, it's true, I mean, she can learn Mashallah, but the same thing, she doesn't know his
customs. So that's the mother, you'll find she's very keen from that aspect that, you know, I raise
you a certain way, I feed you a certain way I take care of a certain way. So you want to know, all
		

			she also wants to relate to that. That's exactly that's an that's another that's another point as
well. So these type of things, you know, that's how they're looking at things. And they have, they
do have a point, they do have a point. But nonetheless, if that's not what we want, we don't force
ourselves. And we try to convince them, you know, not by just going against them, meaning you know,
that we I'm an American I want I don't care what you say, and we're harsh, that we have to be very
soft. And use Hickman use wisdom and then you know, try to get what we want inshallah, inshallah
Tada. Okay, lastly, he'll just move into the idea. Now, you know, so people are married, now they're
		

			living together, and it's a different world, you know, being with the opposite gender and living in
the circumstance. But a lot of times, I think there are some, for instance, traditional, or, you
know, you could even say cultural values that are expectations people have going into marriage,
like, you know, a man might think, Okay, well, I'm wife, I still cook, my wife has to clean, my wife
has to do my laundry. And the guy just kind of, you know, stays home and shows back. Can you talk a
little bit about the rights of each spouse? Like, what exactly does a man have to provide to the
marriage? And what exactly does a woman have to provide to the marriage? I think we always focus on
		

			the woman as different as a marriage, and divorce, like the focus on that, and the culture aspects
on you reminded me of a story. I met a brother, and he started practicing got involved in dowa. His
wife actually wasn't a Muslim. And he married her before she she was in she has she's interested in
reading about Islam, what have you now, but anyway, when they got married, he said, The key thing
for me was, you know, that she understood my culture is Pakistani, and she was Irish. And they she
understood my culture. He said, the fact that she understood my culture, he said, I wasn't even
focused on the deen, you know? And so the curry was very important. And he said, yes, you had to
		

			know, she was watching the watch. He said he wasn't that big of a deal. But as long as she knows she
has to cook the curry, then it was okay. I could marry her in a supine layer. You know, it's I
didn't even talk about the deed in the beginning upon logbook. So So finally, I know that you look
at the food will have the best role models or pseudo laws of motion. And when he his wife, I shall
be alone I was asked, how was he in the household? So he was in the hikma of his wife, and he was
serving his wife he was so his own clothes milk his own sheep take care of himself. I guess they
become like the Kings on the throne. Don't bring this bring that you know, saying and then if it's
		

			not ready, oh, you know, it's world war three in the in the house, you know, if the things aren't
ready, and that's not from this kingdom. So he's over there saying that she's out. She's a
housewife. Or as as they told me in Ireland's a very beautiful thing. When I when I got the
diversity for my son, they said, What does your wife do? And I said housewife, they said, homemaker,
homemaker, anything, that's really cool.
		

			That's really awesome moving homemaker, Mashallah to watercolor. So she's a homemaker. So thinking
that she should do everything, no, but you have to pitch in to help out. And, and they have a lot of
duties at home, a lot of jobs, taking care of the kids, the house, the cooking and taking care of
you, sometimes worse than the kids more responsibilities, where does another child that's that's it,
you know, in a big one at that. So you'll find that she's really busy. But when you come and you
help out, you let me wash the dishes tonight, you know, all that has a huge impact, you know, you'd
have to do the whole thing, you might just do 235 percent of what she says a dish that's a little
		

			bit, well, I'd have a huge impact on us. Because he says you're helping out and you realize what the
difficulty she's going through. So we need to help out. In something here, I want to point out that
I think, you know, it's it's crucial. And if for any household to be successful. And after we know,
the role of each one is that we also understand each other. Because so many times the spouses don't
understand one another. And you see, everybody's different. Nobody's perfect with this from the
beginning. Nobody's perfect. You might think you're 99.9%. You know, you have a little bit, but I'm
almost there. 100%. But you're not Yeah, none of us are all of us have our fault or fault someone
		

			have you. But what we need to realize is is how to deal with one another, for example, was give the
example you know, in my own house, when it comes to dealing with my wife, I tell her I never say yes
to anything right away. It drives her absolutely mad. But what what we've done from the beginning,
she asked us I said, I would think about and one of the words she hates the most is shortly
		

			shortly. Because I want to think because I'm busy. I'm traveling, I'm lecturing, I'm teaching what
have you. So she comes to me, can we go to the market this evening? And I say yeah, and then I
remember later that I have another commitment, or I have this to prepare a lecture for tomorrow. So
it's not a good time for me to go to the market. And so you know, I can't go here but you said yes.
So here the problem is starts. So I think about it in the beginning. So this is something I've
chosen to get out of jail free card. I think
		

			that eventually you have to answer that might not be there. Shortly as I say, I do I do answer but
that's been so I don't cause any friction, your problems. You know, we have a we have an agreement
that at the time of anger, we never discussed anything.
		

			Because the problem is gonna get bigger, if I'm angry, don't that's how it should be common sense.
But sometimes we don't focus on it enough, you know, at certain times, you know, you know, I tell,
like, when I'm doing my football, you know, on Friday mornings, I get into my zone, I say, Don't
talk to me at this time, you know, and then you know, and then she remembers, you know, this is no,
this is off limits this time. So these are this type of thing. And you have your certain rules and
regulations, and you understand one another, it's the same thing for the sister and the brother has
to understand her, you know, certain times are not good for her, she has, you know, difficulty in
		

			doing this. So you don't put too much pressure on her. And as the President, when he mentioned, he
said, like, the, the the rib if you're going to end up breaking it. And so it's the same thing for
both of the spouses. And you, you know, you can't push one another too much, you have to understand
one another. And that that comes with the time, obviously, and from the beginning, as we have, you
know, we had more time, we could share even some stories from the beginning. But, you know, they
said, from the set of early scholars, you know, this is what I want the marriage, this is clear at
the beginning, that they This is what I want from my marriage is how I am and also that the sister
		

			she's not shining, saying how she is as well in the contract, or
		

			it can be just a verbal thing. And I remember that the story of me that came to my mind was from
Chicago called the when he was with his wife on the first night. And she told him, this is how I am
I'm from this background, um, you know, from the, you know, two out of tribes is how we do, how do
you feel about your in laws? So how do you want your in laws to be what what is their role? And our
relationship? Now, she asked him from the beginning, he said, I was going over close to her to get
married. He said, Hold on a second, what's this? You know? And he said, I'm from the, from this Arab
drivers, you know, and how do you want it to be with the analyst, he has some several things. And he
		

			said, You know, I'm a judge, I'm busy, I don't want to be too much, you know, has to be, you know,
they can't be here all the time. Basically, they, you know, obviously, you have your rights, they
have their rights, but has to have limits, because I'm a judge, I'm coming home and tidy to relax is
a big responsibility to be a judge. So she understood that. And she said this, he understood what
she wanted. And he understood that what she wanted, he said Cipolla from because we went on an on an
agreement from the beginning. And it's about understanding and having this agreement, where any,
this is how I am, you know, there's certain things we're gonna try to change in the mirror. For me,
		

			one of the biggest things for me when my wife is the phone, like most sisters, probably, you know,
is that you know, and the thing is, she's talking to me, and I'm, you know, I'm answering something
on an email or whatever.
		

			I'm writing a Twitter or something. And I can do it. I mentioned her, but she know she has to have
the full. I don't really agree with that. But because it drives her crazy. Now I have to put the
phone far away. So it each person has to, you know, we say make 10 as about yet to give up something
you know, for any marriage to be successful. I said, and then she said, You're not listening to me.
So I repeat exactly what she said. So prove to the MSE but she said no, I can't handle it. So I have
to put the phone away. So these type of things if you understand when you have an agreement, and
that's going to help the marriage and the family be very very strong and
		

			does not appreciate medical knowledge in this particular topic. It does not collect it for everybody
watching inshallah, make sure you stay tuned and follow us on Twitter, follow the hashtag get
involved in discussion. Let us know what you think about this topic. inshallah. We'll see you again
next episode. This is Brother Mohammed signing off
		

			confetti, then