Top Reasons For Divorce, Second Wife & Divorce Rules
Channel: Bilal Dannoun
File Size: 49.47MB
Salam Alaikum and Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa sallahu wa salam O Allah Allah Allah Allah ina Mohamed. While early he was heavy here Jemaine or praises due to Allah made a peace and blessings of Allah be upon our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, my brothers and my sisters in Islam. Tonight's topic insha Allah is around the topic of divorce and some of the top reasons why many Muslims and non Muslims find themselves down this track of divorce and what are some of the suggestions that we could propose to safeguard inshallah Allah from divorce and the ramifications of divorce because with divorce comes some serious ramifications, be it Subhanallah,
grief, depression, stress, children, what happens to them be it's your focus finances, so we really want to ensure that our marriages, inshallah with Isla, are going to be at the optimal so that we don't become a part of the sad statistics. So we're going to get right into it inshallah. And then we're going to have a question and answer session, where there's probably going to be a lot of questions around this a hot topic, insha Allah. So this is one of the first things that we want to make sure after we get married, or even before we get married, to ensure that you do get married to the right person that you're going to be happily married is that you've done two things before the
marriage. So this is what the singles right you need to make sure you've done your due diligence, you need to make sure that you have done your istikhara, you've asked, you've asked all the right questions to the proposed spouse, you've asked on you asked about that person. Insha, Allah Allah. So you want to make sure that the person that you're marrying, you're compatible with that you share the same vision, this will be a lot of questions that you need to ask. So for example, today I was counseling a brother and his he was telling me about how he's not too sure whether he should proceed with a marriage or not. And the question, the main question was around how he doesn't want for his
future wife to work once they have children. Okay, so he said to me, he had that conversation with her and she hasn't given given him a very straightforward answer. So I think that's not very good, because that makes you uncertain and you are giving the impression that you are negotiable in this area. If this is something that you don't want, you need to communicate that from now so later on there isn't she said, or he said, Oh, you didn't tell me so from the from the before the marriage is very, very important that you know what you want, you know, what your vision is your expectation, expecting expectations? What are the roles of your wife, Angela, your role is going to be it's, it's
better to be transparent. Don't be, you know, a person who's just going to wing it later on. It's better to be transparent. communicate your expectations, your values, your needs. Inshallah, before that, once you've done hits the shadow, you do get sick or you as the caller is you're reaching out to Allah azza wa jal, and you're doing a tour of God and then you make a note to and you're asking Allah if there is if there is goodness make it happen your Allah if it's not good for me yet Allah drive me away from distance it away from me and give me better. So that means you have full Tawakkol in Allah azza wa jal, and there's no room for emotions here, you put your emotions to the side,
especially before marriage, put your emotions to the side, but the good looks to the side, for that to the side, you need to have that conversation. Otherwise, you may end up marrying a person that you you are going to have problems with. So that's before the marriage and leading into the marriage insha Allah which is now one of the things to maintain your marriage and to ensure that there's Baraka in your marriage that you don't go down the path of divorce, that your marriage doesn't become your test because of your sins because of your sins. Allah azza wa jal says one that saw the commandments even for the letter such as a Deacon well yeah, for an Kathy whatever if misfortune
befalls you is due to what your own hands have earned, and He pardons much. So it's really really important that you keep away from sins, that you are fulfilling your commands of Allah azza wa jal, because at the end of the day, Allah azza wa jal is in control of the hearts Allah is in control of the hearts of your spouse, Allah subhanho wa Taala he says in the Latina and I know what I need to sign the hottie so yeah, I don't know whom Rahman who would that but those who believe and they do righteous deeds or ramen, the Most Merciful will instill affection, meaning he instills affection in the hearts of others towards you. So Subhanallah we need to make sure that we are not compromising
on anything that is haram so that it doesn't impact the marriage and the relationship. And that's one of the first things that I asked as a marriage counselor told me about your relationship with Allah told me about your connection with Allah. Because if that's not we need to start with the foundation. Because if that's not solid, then it could be one of the greatest causes and reasons why is that Baraka? There's no blessing in your in your marriage. SubhanAllah. So I remember incidents whereby a couple had problems, and they called the chef over and the chef came to their newly built home. And he said to them, how did you purchase such a beautiful home? Was it through the bank? And
they said, Yes. And he said, I said, Mr. Liko, right. So straightaway, he walked out, he said, Look, there's no Baraka in here. That's probably one of the main reasons why, you know, you're going through what you're going through in your marriage and you're experiencing what you're experiencing. You don't want to spoil the relationship with Allah. You don't want to do that. You want to make Allah subhanho wa taala. The priority always is no compromise on the deen of Allah azza wa jal. So this is the first one, the first major thing that I would want all couples and all potential couples to be mindful of is Aquila, woman. Yeah, tequila. Yes. And I love women and we use when we have
tequila. Ah, I love to massage. You know this concept. This concept of Taqwa and Allah providing a way out of hardship and difficulty. It's repeated, I think four times at least, in which Surah Surah Allah, Allah, the chapter pertaining to divorce is the chapter is the chapter
Allah is reminding us again and again of Taqwa in Surah Al Baqarah. When Allah subhanaw taala is talking about the rules and regulations regarding divorce is and regulations right? Shortly after that, he says, Have you through our solidarity was solid it was law, maintain your prayers preserve will halfa preserve your prayers and the middle pray. The only thing that were a little bit baffled the commentators of the Quran they said Subhan Allah that Allah azza wa jal is talking about salah immediately after these verses about divorce and they said there must be a connection between divorce and between your connection with Allah because Allah is the Silla it's the connection
between you and Allah azza wa jal so you need to make sure that your wife is praying that your husband is praying that your money is from Helen that you're not engaging in Haram. Okay, especially as a husband you the husband, okay, Allah subhanaw taala has made you the Imam you are the Imam of the house, you and even if a chef came to your house, and you know how to leave the bread, you have more right to leave the prayer in your home than the chef himself. Why because you are a boon Manzi, You are the Lord of the house right you are the Imam and you need to lead by example, Allah azza wa jal says yeah, you have Latina mn oh and full circle for Aliko. Now on Oahu, 200 HR, he says, oh do
you have believe protect yourself and your family, your family here is your wife. You have a duty I have a duty as a husband, to be the leader to be the awareness of ridotto when Moon Allah Nisa leadership, not dictatorship leadership, you're a leader. You're an imam. And you lead by example. And you remember the words of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam respond with our you know, easy on the fragile vessels. You remember the words of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Mecca and the risk of a che Illa Zana when the Houthi I mean Sheikh in English and when you apply gentleness, that situation is gonna be beautiful. You want to you want to apply force and you want
to be aggressive. What's going to happen? Naturally the wife many times yes, you're probably saying the right thing. She will rebel. She will rebel, even though it's unjustified. But naturally as a human being you will find in many cases the woman will rebel. So it's very it's important to have to have him as a husband in the house while he's picking up koloman buddy Phil worked in lithium ion battery lithium buddy. Haganah means that you say the right words at the right time in the right manner in the right tone, right place. Maybe this isn't the the time or place to have this conversation. Right. And we'll talk a little bit about that a bit more and talk about respect insha
Allah Who. So the first, the first one that we must ensure in our homes is that we're lucky so watching that we prioritize Allah azza wa jal, the pious predecessors, you know what they used to say? I used to say this, repair your relationship with the Creator and He will repair your relationship with the creation. See our hearts been connected. This is all from Allah azza wa jal, he's going to ensure that the hearts remain connected when your heart is connected to Allah azza wa jal, let's move on to point number two. Point number two from amongst the top reasons that could lead to divorce is infidelity. Now, this is a very broad word in this day and age, okay, infidelity,
and everyone's going to have a somewhat different interpretation of this word. Infidelity means cheating. And there is full fledged cheating. It could be Zina, right. There could be cheating, that's halal. Could be married a second wife writes, hello, but to your wife, you cheated on me, right? And I want out and I don't want to be in this marriage. Right? That's, that's her interpretation of this word infidelity or cheating. Or it could be that you're looking at inappropriate images. That's a form of cheating. I know the case they got divorced because the husband was addicted to inappropriate images. And she left him she didn't want to stay with him as
he became insecure, and what have you, right? When it comes to you're not lowering the gaze, that's very, very tiny. We have to be very careful. Okay. Especially the woman has a lot of jealousy. Right? The jealousy that's in innate in a woman is innate for her to have this jealous nature about her. Right. And so Subhanallah it's important to be mindful of that insha Allah which Allah but we do see cheating, being on dating apps, or dating websites, or, you know, make texting through social media, or befriending the opposite gender on social media, this is gonna fall under this very broad heading of infidelity of cheating, of not being loyal towards your wife. Okay, so we have to be
very, very careful. There was a couple and I know this, you know, this British brother had had Subhanallah had come in and the wife said, how she discovered over one year ago, over one year ago, he'd gone to some club with some boys and they were dancing, and she's got the evidence because it just shows up on the phone somehow, you know, these social media apps and some people sharing or what have you, or anniversaries and, you know, he showed up, right? And then she's now Oh, my God, I can't believe you cheated on me. You were dancing, other women and this and that, and I went out and you know, subhanAllah it's gonna, it's gonna, the scenes are gonna come back and haunt you. Okay, so
insha Allah With that we'll move on to the next number three, from amongst the most contributors to that leads to divorce is the lack of anger management, or the lack of emotional intelligence disrespects not knowing how to contain your emotions, you have a very short fuse, you always explode. You don't know how to handle this, you know, the slightest thing and you could be because you're very sensitive. It could be because you have your own insecurities, right? And it might be that or it could be, you only know how to disagree in the way your father disagreed with your mother, your mother disagreed with your father, and they are the template for the disagreements for
you. And that's what you've learned how to disagree, shouting, screaming and what have you. Right. There was a study, there was a study, I was reading about 700 couples that were over 65 years old, who had been married for over 30 years. And they wanted to know what are the secret here? You've been married for 30 years? I mean, you know, plus, what can you tell us what what was it for you? And when they looked at the study they saw there was one thing that stood out
that those couples that were in healthy relationships, right? What they saw is that they were able to sit down discuss an issue without shouting without screaming without disrespect, right? Being assertive, okay, having standards, having a clap, right and discussing the situation. Because there's always going to be situations, we're not meant to agree on everything, we can put a mess Allah, we can put an issue right here. And maybe MIT will be pretty divided maybe in five in five groups as to we have differences of opinion. That's okay. You can have difference of opinions or differences of opinion there even more than four methods and more than one opinion. And even within
a method you have more than one opinion, right? So so what that tells us is it's not a problem that we have differences of opinion, the problem that we have is we have many of us with this respecting when you have difference of opinion. Of course, I'm not talking about it, I'm not talking about matters of creed, that that there is each man on the issue or matters of football, there's each mound, for example, about the issue, we're talking about issues that you know, day to day issues we can we can differ on, right, they must be they must be UCLA. And the problem is many of us don't have the skills. And that's why I would encourage you if you have issues with your with your
emotions with your anger, if you have issues, I recommend that you obsess and you start working on your weakness. In this case, if it's anger management issues, that you start to become a more emotionally intelligent human being that you know how to be diplomatic, that you know how to be respectful, that you know how to not be rude and getting that you don't have to shout, you don't have to shout to bring your point across right? That takes practice that takes knowledge and hence Subhanallah when we go back through the Quran and look at the the seal of prophesized Salah, we see words and advice like that. But when that when the men as the prophet Isaiah three times, obviously
he said OCD rasool Allah give me advice. He said, Let us go three times do not get angry, right, because anger is going to paralyze your thinking. And you're not going to say the right things or do the right things. Okay. In the story of Prophet Musa alayhis salam when he was angry, Allah azza wa jal says, Philip Sakata unheard of. Then when the anger had subsided, he took the tablets, he was angry, and he was about to do an action that he waited for his anger to subside. Right. And that's what we know. There is even a hadith of walking away. There's even that the story of Ali ibn Abi Talia, Radi Allahu Anhu Allah, he had a fallout with his missus. This is Mrs.
Fatima Allahu Anhu. Right. So the daughter of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, right? They have they had an altercation. And what does he do? Did he study with the Prophet SAW Selim came over to their house? And he said, Where's Ali? You know, yeah, he says, you know, where's your cousin? And then she said, Well, you know, we have a full out and he left and Subhan Allah, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he went to find him. This teaches us that when you hear that a couple of have got a problem that one of the best things that you can do is to try and help even if you don't have the knowledge, you're not a counselor. Just say, Hey, I heard you before that with your wife.
I'm here for you. Are you okay? Do you need anything? That's Islam. That's brotherhood that's loving for your brother that you love for yourself? You check up on each other. Right? So Subhanallah Rosa said, it looks fine. What did he find me in the masjid? Right. And when he finds him in domestic Islam, you know, he's got his, his his other garments. He said, He that had come off his shoulders, and he's got dust on his shoulders. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he says to inform your Torah, you know, stand up to Abdullah he gave me this nickname, father of the dust because he was all covered in dust. And he became noticeable to Rob Right. So, so then the prophesized, you
know, any Subhanallah what this teaches us is, when you have a problem, you need to leave your unit to learn how to have time out from your partner, so the situation doesn't escalate. And you need to practice that you get good at it, if you practice it. What I also suggest is to have rules in your between you and your wife, that hey, if either of us are angry, let's be able to agree right now that we will communicate, hey, I'm angry, and I'm going to be left alone, that we both agree that we'll leave, we'll give each other the space because if we don't, this could escalate. And this could lead to saying hurtful things, or doing something that we regret, okay? Or even saying the
words of divorce. Right? And that's not what we want. So one of your escape reasons when you are stressed out at home should be the masjid and Ali ibn Abi thought about the Allah has set that precedent and set that example to show us And subhanAllah you notice when I leave it to the masjid, the rest of you came and the best of the rest of you was came none other than the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So Subhanallah you will find your answer in the masjid. Unfortunately, I know many brothers and even sisters, that when they get stressed out and they are very anxious, and they're really in a bad state kind of drugs, or they go gambling, or they'll talk to another another the
opposite gender, although do something wrong. So you need to be intentional about your go to whenever you are stressed out, and that you have rules with your partner to say hey, when we have a fight, what are the rules look like in our home? Because we want we want to ensure that the problem is the problem. You're not the problem. I married you if you're a problem with marriage, you're not the problem. The problem is the problem and we will have problems and you will not see eye to eye on everything. And that's why insha Allah Allah you need to ensure you have good anger management. There's a book by Sheikh Mohammed even Saudi Helen managing correcting people's mistake, the
methodology of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. This is a really good book to teach you how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he diffused many difficult situations through hikma through wisdom and through having having the insights that he has, I recommend this book insha Allah with Allah and just any lecture you can get your hands on
When it comes to managing your anger, managing your anger, the next one that I want to talk about is family interference, families interfering with their marriage with the life of their child. That's another big one, the in laws, you could probably look up any scholar online and typing in laws and the scholars name, and you'll probably find that that scholar is talking about boundaries and how to deal with difficult in laws and navigating difficult in laws, right? Family interference is big. So appeal. Here, I'm gonna specifically touch on one point, if you have a problem with your husband or your wife, okay, I would recommend going to your family directly like your to your mom or your dad,
that could be dangerous or the relationship. Why? Because what I have seen is that they end up controlling the situation and they they end up locking that child or guilt tripping the child, or they will use emotional blackmail, because it gets a bit more personal then, or they may have already had issues with their son in law or their daughter in law. So it's better to go to somebody who's neutral, who's not going to take sides who's not emotionally connected to this, so that situation doesn't escalate. So family interference seems to be one of the reasons why a lot of marriages, or some marriages end up in divorce because they get involved and the child doesn't know
they want to please their parents, they want to go back. They're either caught between a rock and a hard place as they say, okay, so if you are a parent yourself, okay, and you don't only I would recommend that you always try to include a third party, an elder, a chef, somebody who has wisdom and insight to ensure the best outcome in Shahada.
Another one that I want to discuss, and this is point number five is around trauma. So there are some of us who have gone through issues in our younger years, okay, either we had abusive parents, or our parents abandoned us, or our parents are divorced, or you know, they were quite toxic themselves. And you take on much of the characteristics because they are, you know, your window to to marriage and to help you defuse the situation. So, if you have been traumatized, you're not married yet. My advice to you would be go and seek the help through a chef through a Muslim, probably counselor who understands human behavior, understands trauma, understands anxiety, and help
will help you unpack your problems in a way that ensures that it doesn't impact inshallah another marriage, right. And we see this popping up. And there's a, there was a saying that I came across, and I found this saying to be so true. And that saying is if you don't heal what hurts you, you will bleed all over those who never cut you. Right? So that you are going to be causing damage, because of your insecurities, or because of your trauma and what you've been through prior to the marriage, right? So it's really important if you do have unresolved issues, get the help that you can, because otherwise, you know, where it shows up. Most of the time it shows up in the marriage, once you get
married, it shows up in your behavior. All right, and you might start causing injustice to your partner or your cause injustice to yourself or both of you. Insha Allah Who are some of us, you know, we have a lot of us have anger issues. That's that's the reality that I see many, many couples that I counsel, there's always anger management, anger issues. So one of the things that you want to do you want to start, like I said, use the word obsess, because you now are intentional about doing the work that needs to be done to ensure insha Allah Bucha Allah, that you are going to be the best version of yourself as a husband, as a father, in sha Allah, Allah as a Muslim. We have. We have
many reasons. We have the Quran and Sunnah to regulate our behaviors in sha Allah Gupta either. So yes, and when it comes to any unresolved issues, there's going to be coming into the marriage, what we call checking baggage, or what we call carry on baggage. You don't want to you don't want to bring checking baggage to your marriage, let's do heavy study, you won't have sorted that out, right? Carry on baggage means you have got some issues, I'm not perfect. I'm not an angel. So therefore, I'm going to have some problems and I'm open to the idea of always working on myself because I want to be the best version of myself that I can be inshallah who died. Right. One of the
things that I see quite often is individuals that have a, a personality type that is known as narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder. NPD, I shall see Yeah, and they'll just see and what that is, and a narcissistic person is a very lacks empathy, very selfish, not consider it in the world of psychology, where they put a knob, a person with a narcissistic personality disorder, they put them under they have like headings. psychopath, sociopath, narcissists, that's how far that's that's where they put them. Now from the Islamic perspective, we as Muslims, we all know the Hadith love for others, what you love for yourself, we have a concept
called ethos that we we are there always helping others, we consider it we're empathetic or sympathetic. That's how we need to be as Muslims. And often when we look at when we do the research into narcissistic personality disorder, we see that this has a lot to do with those who are in a state of industrial Amara and Nestle. Amara is the nurse that is commanded to do sin, right? If you're in that state, then that could lead to narcissism and behaviors of narcissism. Right? So it's important to be in sha Allah who died in in a state whereby you are ensuring an intentional about always having the best of luck and abuse Allah Allahu alayhi wa sallam he said in nametable f2 They
will tell me that not everyone I've been sent to, to perfect good moral character, right so when
Need to ensure that we have the best service to our family members I've got I've worn it I'm living proof. Right? Our kids, our kin, our relatives, the people around us they are most deserving of our good treatment we don't go giving the stranger the best of our treatments and love and and mercy and affection and compassion and empathy and sympathy and then we come home and we give our you know, our family members our scraps and we give them our leftovers. This is not this is not what not that's not how it is. Right? What is Allah azza wa jal say when he spoke about the relationship between the husband and wife, he says vagina vena cava with that and Marana he put between you both
Melinda which is affection and mercy effect moment that is not just love, you can love someone but that love is just in your heart. Now he doesn't go nowhere. I love this person. I love that show. I love that. But let's see, I don't know anything about my work. That means demonstrative love, that I demonstrate the love that I have towards my partner through my sacrifices through my work through my actions, right? So that's something to remember Insha Allah, Allah, Allah my work they were from amongst the the contributors that could lead to divorce. He is not spending time with your spouse, mitt, especially the wives they complain how husbands are not spending time with them. Okay, now,
you know, subhanAllah and abuse of Allah YT he was saying when he was approached by Abu Bakr, that when one day said, man, he visited a Buddha, he saw that there on the bed that had sort of neglected herself. And she said to her, you know, why are you like this? And she said, your brother? He's not not he's only into worship. He just wants to worship, he's not really interested. And that's all he cares about. And anyway, that semester is over. He sleeps the night, he gets up out of there to break his fast to not pray all night to go sleep. And then he said to him in Europe because like a hawk. We're in an inner city, Alika Huck, we're in the Africa Anika Hawk for Africa, the hairpin
hochkar. Allah has rights, yourself has rights. Your body has rights, your family have rights give each their due, right. This is teaching us the concept of being disciplined. This is teaching us the concept of being balanced as Muslims. There is not just all worship and no fun or no time for the family or all fun in our worship, we have to find the balance. We have to find that balance. Because part of being a human being we want to have some entertainment if we look at our evader, okay, look at our way better. Is it just salah? No, it's also fasting. Is it just fasting or salah? No, it's Hajj. Is it just having fasting? I don't know. It's sort of right. It's camera. It's because why so
we don't get bored. Right? Likewise, your spouse wants marriage you to spend time together. They want you that's the human being loves you. And it's an insane they say it's me that owns and owns it the Ennis and I want someone to join me when Prophet Yusuf Alayhi Salatu was that I was in jail, the active people that entertained him and it was interpreting the dreams and what have you. He had, you know, subhanAllah he has someone just to talk to, okay, imagine now your wife, right? She's at home all day. And she's with the children and the children can be challenging. And she just would love to spend have a cup of tea with you at the end of the night. So Carla, just being intentional about
that and balancing your time in the job that could lead to an emotional connection. Because I'll tell you something about women, women find it very difficult to be intimate, to be physically connected with to be physically connected with the husband, if there's no emotional connection. And so when the husband comes complaining, hey, my wife doesn't get intimate women doesn't give me my right. Straight away off the cuff, you can tell that there's more to the story than just doesn't want to fulfill the right. Okay, it's about it's about her feeling emotionally connected to you, and the world becomes your oyster. Right? So this is a different story from hate. It's my God given
right. And if she doesn't, the angels will curse her. But we know that AIDS we know that hadith about it. She's at the at the oven, which is on top of the writing committee. We know all of that we're not talking about black and white, or any you know, that's my right man. I'm your husband, you have to say,
right, but we say, why don't you as a husband just get more connected to her, Listen to her what she wants, she wants to give your time, give it time. What is it that's going to make us all emotionally connected? Do you really want to be intimate with your spouse in a way that she's not into it is if that's what you want each to their own, okay? You want the experience to be Subhanallah to be a good experience each other for the both of you. So this is something to think about balance your time, give you know have these quality moments or golden wait time moments throughout the week. And it is we try moments for your wife. And this one. If you commit to those we tie moments right with your
with your wife, insha Allah Who to Allah with your husband, then what's gonna happen is that emotional connection, the physical connection becomes organic. Alright, in sha Allah Allah. So let's go on to another another one of the contributors that can lead to divorce number nine, is there's a lack of communication between the spouses, communication of your needs, of your boundaries of what you want and what you don't want. There needs to be good communication throughout the relationship, especially from the very beginning from the get go of the relationship. You need to communicate what do you want and what don't you want make it very clear, I don't like this I like this. I have
insecurities here i You need to communicate. So there needs to be a communication of expectation of rules of roles in this in this marriage, who does what, keep the communication going shallow down, and it's part of the problem with communication. Many of us are not good communicators. And that's why when Prophet Musa salat wa salam, we know in the famous incident he said rubbish rapidly Sunday, while you're still really angry was that and nearly 70 years ago, who How will he so he wanted to ensure that when he went to their own, that he was delivering good speeds?
so that the speech was understood, yes. qawwali. So a lot of the times there's a miscommunication or the communication is not very clear. Oh, there's room for interpretation, right? So do your best to communicate your message in the best possible way. Insha Allah to Allah, so there's no misunderstanding, do your best to communicate in the best possible wait in sha Allah Who time we move on insha Allah Allah to do another one that could be a problem. And then his friends, friends, okay, tell me who your friends are. And I will tell you who you are, as the Arabic proverb goes.
On to say that your companion, he will drag you, he will pull you in this direction or that direction. Whereas they say friends are like lifts, they can take you up or bring you down better than all the visitors are the words of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who said and Marina de Nicolini, fall younger, I have to commend you, Holly, he said, a person is on the way on the path of his close friend, clean. For younger, I had to manually say, Who are you referring to in that incident that I mentioned earlier about the brother who went to a club, he was the wife said to me, he's friends, he's hanging out with these guys. And I told him not to hang out with these guys.
Right. And likewise, with the sisters, sometimes I have bad friends, they don't listen to the husband, the husband says I don't want you to spend time with this woman, I don't want you talking to this woman, he has the right he has the right to make this Jani Subhanallah this instruction. So again, friends become very problematic and can lead to a dysfunctional relationship and ultimately to divorce. So this is something to remember Inshallah, to add. Another one number 11 is comparing your relationship to others. So now you go. And you're social on social media, and you see all these photos on Instagram, and they're all photoshopped, you know that. And everyone's always smiling, and
no one's got the most beautiful shot and the most beautiful garment. And you think they always look like that picture. Perfect family, right? It's always looks like that. But it doesn't. That's not reality. That's not the truth. Right? As if no one's got problems, every single relationship has challenges, right? There must be almost every single one probably, I don't know that. I don't know every relationship. But it's how you manage that relationship. Right? Everyone's going through something. So therefore, stop comparing your relationship to others. Had you been in that relationship? Could it be probably a disaster, you need to accept what Allah has decreed for you.
I'm not telling you to be a doormat. I'm not telling you to be a pushover, you have standards, you have boundaries. Insha, Allah, Allah Allah. And that is very, very important. And you do not compare what's going on with somebody else's relationship. You don't know the full of it. And if you have issues and you fix your relationship, okay, and don't go you threatening your wife? Look, that's it. You know, I've had a couple recently come in. And you know, things have been a little bit rocky for some time. So what's the solution? I'm gonna go and marry a second wife? Do you really think that is a solution? You really think, like, just just thought for a moment? You know, do you really think
that's going to solve the problem for this for this woman or is gonna create more anxiety, it actually causes more anxiety in her and she started threatening the divorce. That's not the outcome that we want, and this children involved. Okay, so on the topic of, you know, this whole second wife thing, if you're going to do it, then you do it, you do it properly, you don't do it, you know, hush hush behind you watch that. And, you know, subhanAllah you know, you do it in a way that you're very secretive and, and then she finds out through friends or she finds out through your phone. And then what happens you either get a divorce the second wife, or you got a divorce the first wife or you
got divorced, both of them. That's what we see happening. Do things properly, do things properly with wisdom. Don't be a dodgy person, be a decent human being that can be honest with your partner and say, Look, I want to do this. Jim, if you want to say you say you don't have to stay that's your prerogative.
The last point I want to touch on insha Allah to Allah, before we go right into your questions is we have so many compounding issues, right, there's too many issues that haven't been dealt with. One of the things that you want to do in this instance, is identify your pain points and the relationships, what are you not happy about, and start discussing them having a dialogue with your partner, so that inshallah you can come to an amicable agreement, you can come to a solution. Without letting this all of these issues pile up, because it's going to lead to resentment, the resentment is going to lead to rejection, and you're going to feel emotionally disconnected. So these are some of the
reasons that I wanted to just share with you that I experience on a day to day with many couples coming in for counseling, and some of the things that we're discussing in the counseling room around the relationship challenges and mental muscle bound and keep all your relationships. Number one, hello, I'm Allah subhanaw taala keep them healthy. May Allah subhanaw taala, drive away the Shavon from you, because that's, you know, that's what the shaitan knows that if I can separate between these two I can cause I can cause collateral damage. And it just has this really ripple effect on on your mental health, on your physical health, on your wealth on your focus on your worship on your
children. You don't want that. You don't want that. You want to ensure that you stay married, inshallah happily married, but in saying all of that divorce is not haram. And often divorce is a solution to a problem. And the ruling that did say that divorce isn't a coup. They said this is disliked, right because of the implications of divorce, right that we said and the ripple effect that it has, but in some cases divorce is the only solution. Right? We have to remember this, that it's an if a person is divorced. It doesn't mean that they are about
that person, not necessarily, it just means that it didn't work out, it means that we're not on the same page, it means that they grew one person, maybe they met each other and they were really off the dean. And then they got they got onto the they got onto the dean. And then what did they do inshallah either one of them one of them got into the dean and other ones did and the other person is I can't continue I don't want to raise my children or bring children into a relationship where there's no gain and you don't want to come on board it could be the case. So we have to be very careful with how we're assessing people who are divorced and we don't know the whole entire story
So we have some questions
here Downstairs there is a number of questions to
ask patient before tonight so yeah, how long have we been into a shipwreck
always pops up that one
of the most famous continue and get the others who are waiting a month until he reaches all three.
Yes. So when it comes to divorce, there is be delivered divorce and soon the divorce. Okay, innovative way to divorce and as soon as propose, number one, if you are contemplating divorce, never contemplate divorce when you are in a state of anger, learn to back off, learn to walk away. Okay. Now, of course the scholars did say that if you are in a state of high level anger, and this difference of opinion about this, right, anywhere between middle range anger to high high range anger, they said this doesn't take place because there's a hadith prophesy said and said, Look,
there is no binding divorce when a person is in a state of intellect, which is the mind he's not really thinking straight. They they just they're in a really perturbed state angry state. Okay, so I would say never make a permanent decision from a temporary situation. Do not weaponize divorce, just because you're angry. Just don't even go there. Don't go there with threatening to divorce. It's not nice between a husband and wife always take out the divorce weapon and say, I'm gonna threaten you with divorce. I don't think that's the right way to do it. I think talk it through when you're when you're calm, make sure maybe can we solve it? Can we talk can we bring in a third party can they
arbitrate can we mediate until we've spoken to everybody, we've got an every shop in town and we got every mediator and counselor. It's not working. Now, the sooner number one, she's not in her period. Number two, there has not been GMAT there's been no intercourse since her last period. So she has to be in a state of purity, she has to be in a state of took. Right. So she's not in her period, there has been a state that there's been no intercourse since the last period. Now you say to her once and once only and you are divorced. Now she's going into her ID there of the one that you're divorcing is three menstrual cycles, irrespective of how long the cycle is, she gets her cycle, once he gets a
cycle. Second time she gets a cycle third time, it's still not over. She has to have the shower. And now it's over. Now that's one strike. In that period of time, the husband has the upper hand to take back his wife. He says to have a particular Dimity he has intercourse with her with the intention with going back. The HUBZone says I'm really sorry. And everything's you know, we're going back, I lost you back within the deputy if it's a first or second divorce. If it's a third time divorce, you do the house, you can't go back until she remarried she she has intercourse with the new husband, they get divorced, then you can re marry her. Right.
The other thing is, in some in some communities, we are in a global community. In some communities like especially the DESE cultures like India, Pakistan, they actually do divorced three times in one go. So in this system, you go divorce, divorce divorce. Now there's differences of opinion amongst the scholars regarding this divorce. Is it three? Or is it one at the time of the prophesy settler, and during the time of Abu Bakar still have and during the first few years of Ramadan, that was only considered one. And the other polyphonic one will almost saw that the people were having when people were doing when people were not taking this matter very seriously. He said that's it. He's the
Khalifa. And he said three equals three. So some of them have Bob who who introduced this, but we go back to the castle, and the castle is the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and his time was only considered once. And look, there's so many differences of opinion about how this can actually pan out, by the way, because there's another issue what the husband does, he says to me, you're divorced. And then some period passes by in their in their period, and it comes to the sister got divorced again. Now is there a second divorce or not is called as deferred. Why is he How can he be divorcing her for the second time when she's already divorced and taken her to divorce her again? You will so hear
them the other method pending on which scholars you're going to ask which continent you're going to you're going to have differences of opinion bolometer if the answer the question is,
the question is
what is the most
universal Does that count?
On her husband.
So with regards to the pregnant woman if a husband divorces his wife during pregnancy, that's still the binding divorce when he doesn't even know when that date is.
Is it three months, four months and days
Masha Allah Okay, okay the the the right answer we just take some time when she delivers that baby is Jana, you divorce her now she developed delivers the baby after one hour
she delivers the baby nine months later, that's nine months. Okay, now that's pregnancy. Hello. Hello is when the wife is initiating the divorce. She's saying to the husband, I don't want to be with you. The husband says you don't want to be with me, okay, I'm not divorcing you Why should I be out of pocket in terms of the matter? Because it could be a different amount of money that's payable. So he says to her, Do you forfeit your MAHAK? You forfeit your dowry or part of your dowry? She says, Well, yes, I don't want anything from you. I grant you your Hello. Now the Hello. This is where it's different to the divorce. The Hula falls under a category in in the annulment of the
marriage court. And they're in there, of course, is only one menstrual cycle, or one month, it doesn't have a cycle, right? Different to three months. And what's different is that the husband can't take her back during that month, they have to redo the marriage contract. And on top of that,
if it's not counted as one of the three divorces, if they go back to each other with a new contract, that makes sense. That's the whole that's the ruling regarding
these ones menstrual cycle or one month, there is some difference of opinion. But if you do the research, you'll see that it's only one menstrual cycle.
A new contract?
Yes, yes, with cola, you still have three divorces, because it's not counted as one of the three divorces. It's separate
You still you still have and this is where sometimes it gets a bit, but it's totally different. But when it seems like a Long Island, there is still that divorce, there's still that divorce, you still only have to if you take it back
he's angry. And
he always thought he made a mistake.
So the first thing is when you're in the same system, the first thing is, when you're angry, and you're having a dispute, if you're not angry, if you're if you're if there's a disputing matter, do not do it through text, because communication is also body language. And it's also your intonation. Okay, I can say, I can say how are you? How are you? Are you angry? See that voice plays a role in text messages. You can't see a lot of that. So avoid texting. When you're mad when you're angry. That message is not going to be very clear or could be misinterpreted. From what it sounds like the husband, what do you what do you make of that question? I will say
he or she is chasing him, but he's always ignoring her. Well, maybe the question is, do you really want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you?
But I would suggest get some help us?
If you want to send among maybe hands up, it's fine.
How do you connect emotionally with your wife during infancy?
I think it's not about it's not about connecting emotionally. When during the intimacy. It's about being emotionally connected before the intimacy for the intimacy to be a good experience. Right? It happens you say really it happens during the day. It happens through your respect, at the end of the day, because every husband wants to be respected.
You respect your man, you validate him, he works hard. He's out laboring trying, he's stressing out. He's really trying to make it work he wants to provide for you and for the children. Just give him a word of just like Allahu Halen, you know, one of the best things that you can do for a man is to show him to demand Don't be like, like showing him that you care about him. Like just a basic meal, a basic message, maybe sometimes, you know, you dress up for him, right? That means a lot to women, that makes him feel emotionally connected, that you actually acknowledge me and you prioritize me and it's not just the cooking and cleaning or just the children. Danny recently I wrote a post
prioritize your, your your spouse, husband or wife more than you prioritize with children. Okay, and if you don't do that, your husband or your wife is not gonna be happy and your children are not gonna be happy because organically you're gonna look after your children. It's going to happen organically, but there's more effort required to your spouse so I would say that be intentional about that emotional connection before the intimate act during the day for the husband it's respect for the wife it's love. It's It's It's ensuring that you're working with her love language she wants she wants time give her time she likes surprises in the gift buy her a gift she wants for you to
help her out help her out and if you saw him when he was asked What did you say? She said
he was at the service of his family members right? I hope that answers that question inshallah.
I pushed him last night
many checks that, like N equals three is less practicing, you go to my salon.
But still I don't know we have developed some video. Like many scenarios
Not many cases, like why diversity, I'm going
to be pointing to how that goes. So I request to humbly request you, you can gather all that and develop a video before they get married. So it will be helpful is nowadays divorce is happening doesn't matter, new couple wants to see is to go some cases for professional help.
I heard that but my question is
so many, I don't even
know recently, my daughter, she's with a new husband, she handled many things she said this condition
basically, is not interesting, not
problems like secrets like I
Like when we
when the divorce is my religion is what was happening because the
So you've mentioned that I think there's three points. The first point is around knowledge. And one of the best things that you can do for your children, if you've missed the boat is make sure they really understand their role. And as in the relationship as a husband, or as a wife, what that looks like from the Islamic lens, number one, what it looks like to enter human behavior. So one of the things that hamdullah that ALLAH blessed me to do, because I've been in this place for a long time, I've compiled a marriage course. So I have an online Marriage Course that consists of 117 videos, right? And the short videos, but that what it is, it combines between the Islamic lens and looking
at the spirit of the prophesy, Selim and the Hadith of Rosalind when it comes to marriage, and looking at modern day research around human behavior and psychology. And so it's coming in integrating the both to ensure a happy marriage in Malaysia, in Malaysia in the early 90s. In the early 90s, they looked at the divorce statistics, and they saw that the statistics were sitting in the high 30%, then the government made it mandatory to do a pre marriage counseling course or sought, or else you cannot get married. They made it mandatory. 10 years later, the divorce statistic went down to under 10%. The only thing that changed is now we've got knowledge, we've got
the tools, we got the strategies, I know how to communicate, I know why my husband does what he's doing. I know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I've got issues, I've got anger management issues, I've got separation anxiety, I don't have you know, that's what it is. It's about having that understanding on how to be as a husband, as a wife. And one of the best things that you can do if you're about to get married, or you're married, and you're going through a very challenging marriage is to learn to unlearn and to relearn. That's the first point. The second point is Yes, any unit if you've got issues, we spoke about having unresolved issues, or you've got things, don't bring them
into the marriage, disclose them before the marriage, make sure you disclose it, if you don't disclose them, they're gonna show up in the marriage. So make sure you're communicating your expectations and your needs. And you're asking all the right questions, insha Allah, the third point that you made was around divorce and turning to the non Islamic system, a very valid point. And a very important point here. The only thing that a woman is allowed to ask for from the Islamic perspective, which her husband divorces her, is her Maha number one her her dowry if he divorced her, and he hasn't paid her money. Or number two, any financial contributions that she has
physically made from her own money through the property to the car to the assets, she's entitled to her percentage of the money. And apart from that, she can't come ask me for 50% She can't come asking for that, which is not hers. That's oppression, she's causing injustice to herself, and injustice to her husband, that's volumn. So women need to be very, very mindful about this particular point, if that's what you want. If you want 50% of his assets, or 50% of the home, then you say so at the time of the contract, and either he agrees or disagrees, but to come and ask for something that's not Islamically yours and to go down the route of the civil system. That's nice.
does that answer the question for you?
So I think the question was
all you see, we chose this and what's the result of our scenes? And you know, we've always used anything that's the result of our scenes because you said
yes, I mean, we do have in the Quran.
We do have in the Quran, one that I saw that come in, we'll see that in the Mecca service at Comala. One Kathir, whatever is of misfortune befalls you is due to what your own hands I don't know, we do have an operand, Lea bloco. So sometimes you're being tested. And that test is to wake you up that test you have to ask yourself what I'm going through now? Am I doing something that I shouldn't be or should I be doing something that I'm not doing and then the test comes and then you remember was most likely that's the test is testing you so you can turn back to Allah azza wa jal. So in most of the cases, it's the test is to make things better. I'll give you an example. I had a couple that
came in and the husband and the wife came in and the husband she told me how her husband was seeing escorts
All right. So I have a lot of different cases, right? Well, the Hollywood Reporter, and she discovered on his iPad and what have you, and that's it. And that's her love of her life. She they don't have a good relationship. They have a good relationship. But you know, he's been he doesn't pray, she doesn't pray. And then we started talking and talking to a sister. Maybe you needed to go through these to pray, isn't it better that you found this out? You're going through this testing, and then you're sitting in front of me, I'm telling you, you've been suffering for the sake of Allah. Now you've got a chance to go to Jenna, or would you prefer to spend the rest of your life in
this state where you're not praying? Okay, and no calamity is happening to wake you up? What would you prefer? You'd be on your way to Johanna, Allah will? Or would you prefer to go through the steps and go down?
Further tests? Because I'm not she's not gonna get started praying. She has started praying after this calamity. So I think we have to look at it this way in sha Allah to Allah and us, it depends on a taster case scenario, although it
shot, we should understand understanding.
Although the shortcomings are committed by
double standards, I mean, don't be hypocritical, and and weaponize weaponize the Hadith yet.
Just going to prove a point. I think there should be a gentle dialogue between the husband and the wife. Right. There needs to be that moment that needs to be that Rama. There needs to be that gentleness, I think change of strategy system. I think I don't think that's what she's doing. She should change the way that's that's not going to bring? I mean, is that going to make the hearts closer or disconnected? That's the question you have to ask is what I'm about to say right now? Is it going to make the situation better or worse? Well, it's almost like he says it's our ability here, accent for either lady vena cava, you know, I don't know, who will let you in. I mean, he says
repelled repel that which is negative b, let's see here, x and x are not worth and in Subhan. Allah Allah says, so either let the vena cava Vina, who are there, when you will see between the one you and then there is enmity or there were only Yun Hamid, you will be as if you are very close friends, if you apply assets, are there met them? Obviously you don't they say? If you're not getting the desired result, regarding your disputes in your altercations, then you did not apply SN you are not either sincere, you are not using best practices, you are not using wisdom. So go back and check your methodology. How are you dealing with your husband with your spouse to correct the situation?
If you find
out we're gonna have to end up end up on these questions, probably. So does the husband need the permission of the wife? The answer is categorically is No, he doesn't need the permission of his wife to marry a second. All right. But Is that wise? Is it really wise that that you're just going to go and do it? And have you thought about the ramifications and the impact is going to have on her and the children? So it's not about permission? I think we missed the point. I don't think this is an issue of permission. But to answer the question we answered today, and the answer is yes. You don't need the permission. But think about the ramifications and the ripple effect that this is
going to have. So let me give you some examples. Let's talk on the ground here. Your book, right? No theory right underground. So I had an older brother. He married in secret. He was married in secret for two years. He was a shift worker, he can get away with it. Right? And he decided, you know, it's at that time I drop it. I tell it to her. His wife is we'll call it like she has no family here. She has he has children from three or four children. He's a good looking guy. He's an he's a daily worker. He's financially very stable. Right? So he calls her I got married. He finally tells a long story short after I got married. She hit the ground. She collapsed. The ambulances 100 They go to
hospital. Next thing Oh, she does. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. I'm not entertaining this. He decided to divorce to get to grandpa the whole lot. Because there was no we tried mediation intervention. She was not having a power of it. Right. So then Subhanallah he said with the second one. Then I would ask him year after year, somebody that I know. I see. How's it going? Did you manage to win her back over a one? Not yet. I will see her I'll visit her with the kids. Everything is like way like as if we America we're not married. All because I know that other one.
What happens next is very interesting. Years passed by he has a few children from this woman. And what does he do? He does the same thing but with another woman.
You with me? All right. And then Subhanallah what does she do? She turns on him. Get rid of her or I'm or I'm out. He left his first wife for her. And now that is handed to her. She wants to leave and she lived in Nigeria and the kids. So the thing is, as well, a lot of the times what happens with our sisters that Allah guide them, they get a workday. They use the children. They use the children against their father, and that's very dangerous and It's haram. Right? I had another brother, so many stories, but just to answer the end just to show you where this can go. Another brother. He came to me for advice and he said to me, he has his sweet sweetheart. There is a high
I married to her for a long time, you know, very good relationship, but he had a very high libido.
And his wife said to me, she was looking, I can't keep up with you, man. Right? He goes, Okay, well, you know, if you want to marry a second, you got married second. So he marries a second.
What do you think happens next? The first wife says, No, I can't handle it. Not that I can't handle it. Please divorce her long story, by the way, he divorces the other one. Can you see where this is going? Man, you should hold him to do it. Even the woman herself, she doesn't even know what she's getting herself into. Sometimes you have good intentions. And then he, he doesn't, it comes back to her. As you can't handle this, go marry again, he goes what he made about the first time and now you want me to go back again, because you're pleased and guess what he doesn't. And we have the same problem again.
You can't win. So if you're going to do it, you really, really need to your wife really, really needs to be on board. If you don't want to spoil that family unit and your children and what have you. Do you did have a mission? No. But do you? Do you want to maintain that family units? And you know, the stress that comes out of it? I've asked people who are married to in a polygynous relationship? Was it worth it? And a lot of the times they say no, it's not worth it. The stress the headache, the focus that comes with it, it's just not worth it. We don't live in a day and age where it's the norm. From hundreds of years it was the norm. Right? But not in your living in the West.
And you will end you have all of these, you know the feminist movement and you have all of these movements and campaigns. You don't stand a very strong chance we'll log into either. Nope, we did justice to the question.
Okay, because it gives the giveaway in Sharla. Real quickly, I'm gonna ask the question, and you get it right. Yep. Okay, so
let's go Bismillah what are we got here? Short. Runs Perfect. Well, okay. You can help with a question though. I will say
it's an easy one.
What's Higgins who can answer this question for me? What is one way to ensure an emotional connection with your spouse? Yes. Wonderful hours once a month. Well, what if he doesn't like that? Is that gonna create an emotional connection? Is it well, she might have felt
she was your wife. It's working for you. It's working
your marriage you're gonna talk her language by the way, sometimes women don't like clams. They don't want you to spend time that's that's what it is. Right? Who can give me two of some of the reasons that I mentioned in the in the in the list of the causes for the potential causes for divorce? Yes, brother.
Family interference, infidelity, Bismillah, Masha, Allah, can you
give it to the
last question insha Allah hooter, Isla, what is considered to be the BlackBerry and innovated divorce over there?
Sorry, free to get that. We did speak about that. But I won't be more specific, apart from that
if she's not in a state of purity in heaven, since you divorce Elizabeth, and she has to be in the divorce, she has to be in purity. So no, there's been no intimacy.
Correct? Yes, it's like a loving BarakAllahu Pico and just like Kamala Halen, and Allah bless Allah dean at our center and the great work that you guys doing, Inshallah, may Allah subhanho wa taala. Keep us all sincere. And may Allah bless us with beneficial knowledge and bless our relationships, while my brothers and my sisters invest in your marriage. Because once you're happily married, it will show up in every area if you're not happily married, I get grown men in my office crying, I get grown men and all sorts of hardships. It's not easy don't undermine what a toxic relationship or divorce can do to you. Prioritizing Sharla and following the lead of our Prophet sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam does not communicate themselves, I will send them over an intervener