» Earn on-going rewards and help us do more! «

Choosing The Ideal Husband Or Wife

share this pageShare Page
Bilal Dannoun

Channel: Bilal Dannoun

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:01--> 00:00:51

smilla rahmanir rahim hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala nabina Muhammad, Allah, Allah He was happy he edged mine. All praise is due to Allah. We praise Him we seek his help. We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala Allah for forgiveness, and for his mercy. We seek refuge in Allah from the evils of ourselves and from the evils of our wrong actions. Whomsoever Allah subhanho wa Taala guides, none can lead astray. Whomsoever is left to go astray. None other than Allah subhanho wa Taala can guide them I bear witness and I testify that there is no deity no God worthy of worship except Allah. And I bear witness and I testify that Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is

00:00:51--> 00:00:59

his servant and finally messenger brothers and sisters in Islam. Dear listeners, Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

00:01:01--> 00:01:14

Today's topic, inshallah hooter Allah is entitled, choosing the Ideal Husband and wife, choosing the Ideal Husband and wife.

00:01:16--> 00:01:24

We know that from the swinger from the way of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam is to get married.

00:01:25--> 00:02:14

And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam specifically addressed the youth. He addressed the Chabad and he said, Yeah, Mashallah. shadab Manish Tata I mean komova failures, of which he said, Oh youth, whoever can afford or whoever has the means to get married, should get married. Why for in the buzzer, will sound a little funny because it helps you lower your gaze. And it protects your chastity safeguards your chastity, maintain your modesty, especially the youth there have so much energy and so much desire when they are young.

00:02:15--> 00:03:09

And Islam is against gazing at the opposite gender. Hence Allah Subhana Allah in the Quran, he addresses the believers, both males and females. And he says police me Nina your hope domain upside him say to the believers to the believing males to lower their gaze. And he says afterwards police Mina to me up sorry when I say to the believing females to lower their gaze. So one of the best ways to lower your gaze is to be married is through the Institute of a wedge or a kneecap. Now the word Nika means marriage, referring to the actual marriage contract, or the marriage ceremony, and the word kneecap itself also refers to the act of intimacy between the husband and wife itself.

00:03:11--> 00:03:18

So today, inshallah to Allah, I want to address the youth I want to address the Chabad

00:03:19--> 00:03:44

and in Islam, a ship or a shed that a youth is anybody between the age of puberty roughly around the age of 15 to 33 Central lemma, some scholars they even said up to 40 So specifically, I am addressing the youth and today I also want to address the parents of these youth.

00:03:45--> 00:04:03

So inshallah, who to Allah, we want to give advice to both the youth who are about to get married, and to their parents who are in shallow Thailand, helping their children find the other half or the better half.

00:04:05--> 00:04:13

Now, when you get married, we know that in Islam, by getting married, you complete half of your faith, half of your deen

00:04:14--> 00:04:59

the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, either tozawa labdoo socket estec Mela Nyssa Dini failure, tequila haffi mabati, that when the servant of Allah gets married, he has, in doing so perfected or completed half of his Deen, he should feel Allah reveal Allah with regards to the other half. You see, when you get married, you find yourself more focused. You find your feet, you feel a sense of responsibility. Your Life has more meaning. So marriage adds more meaning to your life. Many many benefits of getting married.

00:05:00--> 00:05:00

And

00:05:01--> 00:05:16

I want to stick to the topic of what are the things to look for in an ideal husband or an ideal wife. Now, the concept of marriage only care

00:05:17--> 00:05:47

from an Islamic perspective is summed up in one verse from the Quran in surah Tarun chapter 30 from the Quran. Verse 21, Allah subhanho wa Taala he considered marriage as one of his a yet one of his signs will mean a yachtie he and Haleakala comin and fusi calm, as well jen letus qu la wa Jalla Bina calm.

00:05:49--> 00:06:49

And from amongst his science is that he created for you spouses for you, from your own kind as human beings, so that you may live in tranquility with them Sakina so that you may live in tranquility with them and he has placed between you both, in other words between the husband and wife, my wife and Rama, love and mercy. So there needs to be my word death and the love and mercy between a husband and between a wife. These are two very important foundations that need to be found in a relationship when there is my word. When there is deep love, not just my hubby's love, but my wife there is deep love my wife and Rama, two fundamentals that ensure the success and the longevity of a

00:06:49--> 00:06:53

relationship. But what that means mercy.

00:06:54--> 00:07:06

So these are two very important ingredients for a successful relationship in sha Allah with Thailand. So today, my dear brothers, mighty sisters in Islam,

00:07:08--> 00:07:24

we find that many of our youth are delaying marriage, not showing interest in it because either they are pursuing their careers, or their individualism.

00:07:26--> 00:08:00

And they want to build for themselves. They want a career a successful life. And what we have to remind our youth is that true success and true happiness. True contentment comes when you follow in the sun in the way of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. As I said earlier, he addressed the youth. And he said, if you have the means, then you should get married. Now,

00:08:01--> 00:08:04

the next question is, when

00:08:05--> 00:08:36

does it become obligatory? For a youth or for a person to get married? Now, in Islam, marriage can become can be either obligatory or it can be Mr. hub, meaning it's desirable or it's a sooner it could be merely MOBA, permissible, it could be macro macro means it is undesired, or any

00:08:37--> 00:08:42

issue shouldn't, you shouldn't do it. Or it could be haram to get married.

00:08:43--> 00:08:47

You see, these are the five game of Islam. So for example,

00:08:50--> 00:08:54

when it becomes, for example, Sunnah, the scholars of

00:08:55--> 00:09:26

the scholars of Islamic jurisprudence the fuqaha, they agree that if a person that if a person seeks marriage with the intention of maintaining chastity and modesty, or with the purpose of producing more Muslims, that is from the FBI that acts of worship, they also agree that if through marriage and benefit comes about for the deen then it is better than bachelor ship better than being a bachelor.

00:09:28--> 00:09:33

And that marriage is recommended and and desirable when one has the means to marry.

00:09:35--> 00:09:47

It becomes wedges when you have the means to get married. And you feel that you might be falling into Xena. If you don't know z that means that fornication

00:09:49--> 00:09:59

fornication, Zina. So in this case, if you are fearing the temptation and yet you have the means you can afford to get married.

00:10:00--> 00:10:03

Here, they said, it becomes way too pleased for you to get married.

00:10:05--> 00:10:23

It becomes makrooh or undesirable or not encouraged, when a person does not have the means, nor the desire for marital intimacy, then it's not encouraged to get marriage in this to get married, if you don't have the means. And you

00:10:24--> 00:10:27

there's no desire, you don't feel falling into sin.

00:10:29--> 00:10:54

And it becomes hard for you to get married. It is prohibited to seek marriage, when one intends to cause harm or suffering to the spouse, or is not going to be able to give their spouse their rights fulfill their rights. So if you know that, as an as a male, by getting married, you're not able to spend on your wife,

00:10:55--> 00:11:28

you are the type of person who you have an issue which you still haven't dealt with, maybe you're a type of person, when you get angry, you get very violent, and you still undergoing treatments for that. And you know that if your wife was to upset you, you become very aggressive, and becomes an if you know that about yourself that you have a certain condition. Islam is against oppressing others, Islam is against being unjust towards others. So you have to look at all of these things. So

00:11:30--> 00:11:35

if if a person is financially capable of getting married,

00:11:36--> 00:11:47

and he is able to meet the rights and the obligations of their spouse, and feels free from Xena, that in this case, for example, becomes Mr. hub desirable.

00:11:48--> 00:11:59

But if for example, the person is financially able to get married, this is talking about a male and they are able to meet the rights

00:12:00--> 00:12:17

of their spouse, their spouse, but is not free from Xena is very state. You know, they they feel that they might fall into haram then in this case, it becomes worship, it becomes obligatory upon them to get married.

00:12:19--> 00:13:01

It becomes haram to get married when you are not able financially to provide for your wife and not able to meet their rights. And even though you feel you might fall into Xena, now here, you have to do what you have to now take measures for not falling into the neck. And you can't get married in this case because you don't have the financial means. You don't have the ability to look after fulfill the rights of your of your spouse. Yes, you feel that you might fall into Xena here the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said, Whoever is not able to whoever cannot afford it. When he was addressing the youth. He said finally he was sown. He should he said he should fast. He

00:13:01--> 00:13:17

should fast this person should fast was when you fast. Your desire is reduced. So the youth who feel falling into Zina and they're not ready to get married. Okay, they should take up measures, they should take up measures that will not allow them to fall into Zina.

00:13:19--> 00:13:37

And this is when we talk about things like don't look at the opposite gender, don't be around the opposite gender, don't go on to social websites where you are socializing with the opposite gender. You know, let's face it, a man and a woman cannot be friends.

00:13:39--> 00:13:59

You know, often people ask is can a man and a woman be friends? Well, you don't know what the other person is thinking. You from your perspective, you think that you are a friend, whether you are a male or a female? But how do you know what they are thinking? And how do you know that shavon isn't trying to make things deeper than your friendship.

00:14:00--> 00:14:09

And I've personally asked a lot of youth can a man and a woman be friends and 99% of the time they totally know.

00:14:11--> 00:14:59

So that's why prevention is better than cure. Prevention. Don't put yourself in a situation where you might fall into Haram. So my advice to the youth number one is keep away from social networks, social websites, whereby you are engaging with the opposite gender number to get keep yourself busy. keep yourself busy with work. Keep yourself be busy with your career with your studies that will take your mind of this of wanting to be with the opposite gender. Also fasting as well. As you said as you said earlier, the desire is reduced when you are in a state of fasting

00:15:00--> 00:15:28

Always be around people always be around, you know, brothers being around brothers and systemic activities and lessons. So you need to do something about reducing that desire and not falling into Harlem. You can't say, Hey, I'm going to fall into Harlem, I better get married and you can't afford to get married and you can't give your wife her rights. So, this is a very important piece of advice.

00:15:29--> 00:15:46

So through marriage, one is able to find emotional stability. through marriage, you become focused on the goals of life, and you settle down and you know your position in the society, you become psychologically and physically balanced.

00:15:47--> 00:16:32

One of the beautiful things about marriage, it is one of the ways to gain her Senate. One of the ways to gain reward because you are following in the command of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. You are following in the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And when you are married, you are able to do certain things that will allow you to gain the reward from Allah subhanho wa Taala. So for example, in the Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, A dinar did not as a currency, he said, A dinar that you spend in the path of Allah at dinar, which you spend to free a slave at the non which you give a sadaqa to a needy person.

00:16:34--> 00:16:55

He said, and a dinar which you spend on your family, the most superior, the best of these forms of spending. The best of these dinars is the one that you spend on your family. Because Allah Subhana, Allah says Allah carbona, I will I believe

00:16:56--> 00:17:08

that those who are nice to you, and most deserving of your good treatment of most are most deserving of your maruf of your treatment of your goodness.

00:17:09--> 00:17:13

So Panama, even when you have intimate relations

00:17:14--> 00:17:42

with your spouse, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, what the Buddha had to consider that when you have marital relations, this is a form of SATA. This is a form of giving charity for Sahaba their loved one who marva whom they were surprised that this statement suggests rasulillah, a person fulfills his desire and he's rewarded for that. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,

00:17:43--> 00:17:50

he said assume that he there directed that desire in an unlawful manner through Zina.

00:17:52--> 00:18:18

Let's assume that he did this in a haram way. Will he not gain sin? Will he not have fallen into error and sin? They said Yes, sir Rasul Allah. And sir the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, therefore, when he directs it and avoids that urge that desire in a way that is permissible with his wife, then he gets rewarded for it.

00:18:20--> 00:18:44

So there are many opportunities. By getting married, there are many opportunities to gain reward from Allah subhanahu wa taala. And to keep away from the Haram. Marriage, my dear brothers and sisters in Islam preserves a person's morals, chastity, and modesty. Allah subhanahu wa taala did not create us angels.

00:18:45--> 00:19:00

You know, the angels that have no desire. They just do as they have been commanded. They don't have should we do it? Shouldn't we do it? They don't have these emotions. They just do as they have been told.

00:19:01--> 00:19:31

As Allah subhanho wa Taala when he spoke about the angels, he said and forsaken, Lee come now Ron waku, Hannah Sawalha. Jara, la harmala a cotton Levon she Dara don't lie asuna mahana Amara whom we have our Luna Maroon, he said, he said, protect yourselves and your families. You see, we have a duty to safeguard ourselves from the Hellfire

00:19:32--> 00:19:33

and full circle

00:19:34--> 00:19:59

comm and your families now run from what from a fire from a fire who's fuel these people in rocks, I lay her around this fire is melodica our angels Lila's she there they are. They are very stern, firm, la yasunaga they do not disobey Allah laya Suna la Hama Amara who

00:20:00--> 00:20:14

They do not disobey Allah subhanaw taala with regard to what he has commanded them, we are following maroun and they do as they have been commanded to do.

00:20:16--> 00:20:26

So, Allah did not create us as angels. Allah did not create this as animals, animals, they just do whatever they have to do.

00:20:27--> 00:20:36

We are in between. And Allah subhanho wa Taala. He wants us to derive pleasure from other human beings.

00:20:39--> 00:20:57

And the highest form of pleasure on the physical level, on the physical level, can only be provided or achieved through the marital tie through Nika, and through marriage, that's the only way you're going to achieve it.

00:20:58--> 00:21:03

There is one other way, which has its regulations

00:21:05--> 00:21:12

and has to do with the AMA, to do with the slave. And when Islam came, Islam came and regulated.

00:21:13--> 00:21:41

The rules regulated, when it can place regulations and rules when it comes to those that do have slaves, much of which is not applicable today, because we don't live in societies that have have slaves. But nevertheless, it should be said that if this does exist, then there are regulations, that there are regulations in place when it comes to those who have

00:21:42--> 00:21:46

an M A slave what the right hand possesses.

00:21:48--> 00:21:51

So my dear brothers and mighty sisters in Islam,

00:21:52--> 00:22:06

to be happily married begins with choosing the right spouse, you need to choose the right person. So Pamela there is an Arabic proverb that says it is better that you have

00:22:07--> 00:22:14

100 enemies outside of your home, then to have one enemy inside of your home.

00:22:15--> 00:22:23

Because your home needs to be a place of serenity. Remember what we said earlier in the verse in Surah, Tarun

00:22:24--> 00:22:25

woman at he

00:22:27--> 00:22:32

and Haleakala, Khun min and fusi calm as virgin letus kulu

00:22:34--> 00:22:36

which means suckiness tranquility.

00:22:37--> 00:22:54

So what we want to achieve in our homes is Sakina. And hopefully we don't find the Sakina is no no, the Sakina is a 16 is a knife. Yes, the Sakina the knife Sakina tranquility, that's what we want in our homes.

00:22:55--> 00:22:56

So

00:22:58--> 00:23:15

he said Sakina, so it's better to, to have so Pamela 100 enemies outside of your home and to have that one enemy in your home because your home needs to be a place of serenity, of tranquility, of happiness.

00:23:17--> 00:23:23

will love who jaleco mean bu t come second. And Allah

00:23:24--> 00:23:28

made from your homes, a place of resting Sakina.

00:23:30--> 00:23:30

So

00:23:32--> 00:23:36

we find that the Institute, the Institute of marriage in Islam,

00:23:38--> 00:23:43

is solid in theory. In theory, it's a very solid Institute,

00:23:45--> 00:23:50

but not as solid in application when it comes to the reality. Unfortunately,

00:23:52--> 00:23:56

we find that many relationships are

00:23:57--> 00:23:58

perturbed

00:24:00--> 00:24:27

or there is Yani, there are problems. There are problems in many Muslim homes. So we have to be very, very careful. And we said the prevention prevention is better than cure. And part of the prevention is ensuring that our youth marry the right people, that they marry the right person.

00:24:29--> 00:24:38

So, so panela marriage is not like you know, buying a car from market you can just, you know, swap it, get rid of it, sell it or trade it in and buy another one.

00:24:40--> 00:24:48

And that's what we find sometimes in some of our communities. This is happening that people are test driving their relationships.

00:24:49--> 00:24:54

They're going on a test drive, and what they are doing, they're causing a lot of damage.

00:24:55--> 00:24:59

They're causing a lot of distress, a lot of pressure

00:25:00--> 00:25:11

on individuals, whether it's the spouse, whether it's the children, whether it's the Imams, whether it's whoever might be in that community that's dealing with having to deal with this.

00:25:12--> 00:25:24

Now, another question that often arises amongst many youth is, at what age should you get married, has Islam stipulated a certain age?

00:25:26--> 00:25:34

Now what we do know is when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he addressed the youth, he said, Whoever has the means, so

00:25:36--> 00:25:47

the best answer would be when a person has the means the financial means the means to look after and to meet the

00:25:49--> 00:25:50

responsibility

00:25:51--> 00:25:55

and to take ownership of being a husband, or being a wife,

00:25:56--> 00:26:00

then that's when they should consider marriage.

00:26:03--> 00:26:05

And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

00:26:07--> 00:26:27

he said, Whoever from amongst you can afford or has the means to get married. And so once you can meet those requirements, then you shouldn't spare a moment, okay, especially in some circumstances, and get married inshallah hotel. So, what are some of the steps

00:26:28--> 00:26:53

that Muslims can take to divorce proof, divorce proof their marriage, especially that we find that in this day and age, especially amongst Western cultures, some 50% of marriages, they end up in divorce, 50% of marriages end up in divorce.

00:26:54--> 00:26:55

And

00:26:56--> 00:27:09

it's very important to, to ensure that you are choosing somebody who is going to be the Ideal Husband, or the ideal wife.

00:27:10--> 00:27:12

And today, unfortunately,

00:27:13--> 00:27:36

many people have become very superficial in what they are looking for in a spouse, they are either looking for, you know, the bank balances, or they are looking at how beautiful they are, or how muscular they are, or how bad for how toned or you know, the image.

00:27:37--> 00:27:57

And these things do not last, these things do not last. And so living in the 21st century, we find, and we are witnessing what we know what we call the body culture, people just you know, marrying because of looks or because of image or because of status.

00:28:00--> 00:28:14

And not looking beyond the superficial characteristics. So saying, you know, I want for my daughter, to marry a doctor, you know, why do you want your daughter to marry

00:28:15--> 00:28:16

a doctor.

00:28:17--> 00:28:24

And then, you know, they'll say something like, you know, he can check her heartbeat when it becomes irregular.

00:28:27--> 00:28:32

So, it's about being happy with one another.

00:28:33--> 00:28:36

And what brings about happiness

00:28:37--> 00:28:46

is, of course, Allah subhanho wa Taala. And so let's talk about some of the things that we should be considering. When it comes to

00:28:47--> 00:28:48

choosing

00:28:49--> 00:29:06

a husband. Let's begin for the sisters choosing a husband, of course. And this is not only for the husband, but also for the wife. When it comes to choosing a husband, you have to ask yourself, Is there an attraction?

00:29:08--> 00:29:14

That that's actually important as well. Now in saying that, when looking for a husband,

00:29:16--> 00:29:17

to most women,

00:29:19--> 00:29:43

that isn't something that is very, very important. There has to be some attraction. But you find that the other way around that to a man, yes, it's important to most most men, we find that it's actually important for them, for the wife to be very attractive to be in most cases, but not in the case of women, but attraction is definitely something to consider.

00:29:46--> 00:29:59

At the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, one woman actually requested a an announcement of of her marriage on the basis that her husband was not attractive according to some

00:30:00--> 00:30:03

reports that her husband was not attractive that she couldn't

00:30:05--> 00:30:07

be with him or give him his rights.

00:30:08--> 00:30:11

So that is something definitely to consider.

00:30:12--> 00:30:17

Now, once you know that, yes, there is an attraction there, you know,

00:30:18--> 00:30:22

then what comes next would be looking at the person's Dean.

00:30:24--> 00:30:41

Looking at the person's Dean, there's no point in looking at the dean again. Okay. Okay, the dean is good. And then you look at the attraction. Well, there was no attraction to begin with. Let's just end there. Otherwise, if you are going to go for the dean first and then when it comes to the attraction, you say, no, it's like you've counseled him out for the dean.

00:30:43--> 00:30:47

So, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,

00:30:48--> 00:31:15

either, a commenter Dona Dena, who were Hanukkah hufa, would you inlanta fallu takuan fitna twin fill out the facade when Kabir he said, if a suitor if a man comes to you, and you are pleased with his Deen and you are pleased with his athletic with his manners, because there are some men they have been, but they don't have

00:31:16--> 00:31:17

they don't have manners.

00:31:19--> 00:31:36

So they'll pray five times a day they fasted Ramadan, they go to Hajj, they go to Amara, they pay visit cat, they have a bead, they you know, dress properly, but when it comes to the maybe the tongues, they are very filthy, their tongues very,

00:31:37--> 00:31:39

you know, abusive,

00:31:40--> 00:31:54

and they are known for that. So the prophet SAW Selim in this Hadith, he said, if a jackal mentor Dona Dena, who, somebody who you are happy with his Deen, someone, he you are happy with his manners as a widow.

00:31:55--> 00:32:09

Give him a marriage. And if you do not do so, he said, If you do not do so, a harm, and a great destruction will become rampant on the earth. This Hadith is found in Timothy.

00:32:10--> 00:32:12

And it is also

00:32:14--> 00:32:22

collected by Urban magic. So a woman should categorically refuse a man who does not have Deen.

00:32:23--> 00:32:26

If Islam is not a priority in his life,

00:32:27--> 00:32:37

if Islam is not a priority in his life, Allah subhanaw taala is not a priority in his life, that Pillars of Islam are not a priority in his life, then

00:32:38--> 00:32:45

this is something which is very, very dangerous, very dangerous.

00:32:46--> 00:32:57

So just because he's a sweet talker, just because he looks good, just because he has a good personality, or he's a charmer. Okay, all of that does not count.

00:32:58--> 00:33:10

If he doesn't have the team. So this is the starting point after you make sure that if you're attracted to this person, yes, he has the dean. And then he has the Aflac he has the manners.

00:33:12--> 00:33:29

So if you know for example, he doesn't pray. He doesn't first Ramadan, he drinks alcohol. Or he's known to engage in illicit relationships or take prohibited substances. Okay, this is all very, very dangerous.

00:33:30--> 00:33:49

The first thing a woman should ask for is, do you pray? Do you fast? How much does the dean mean to you? If you get a response, whereby he's saying, he says to you, or you find out through a third party, that he doesn't pray?

00:33:50--> 00:33:56

Or that he doesn't fast? Then straight away, say, No, thank you straightaway.

00:33:58--> 00:34:07

Don't allow yourself to go any further and then have an attachment. I sat with a lady the other day, a young girl with her mother.

00:34:09--> 00:34:34

And she was in this very predicament whereby she had met a man. And she knew from him that he doesn't pray. She asked him the question, as she asked all the other men that she's meeting for the sake of marriage. And then what happened after she found out that he doesn't pray and he doesn't fast Ramadan, and he's 30 years of age.

00:34:36--> 00:34:51

Or when you get to 30 years of age, and you're not praying and you're not fasting, and then she said to me, but he was so sweet. And He's so nice. And he's, you know, I really couldn't get along with him. You know, we had to give her a reality talk.

00:34:53--> 00:34:57

And then hamdulillah she realized that this man is not for her.

00:34:58--> 00:35:00

And she accepted essentially

00:35:00--> 00:35:04

Yanni accepted that this is not the right way to go.

00:35:06--> 00:35:27

So don't take it further. Because then you're going to find that especially as a woman that is very emotional, emotionally driven, you're going to find it very difficult to get out of this situation. You find your heart attached. Don't do this to yourself, you're hurting yourself, you're harming yourself, and you're putting your future up for destruction.

00:35:28--> 00:35:29

So,

00:35:30--> 00:35:32

this is really the starting point.

00:35:33--> 00:35:34

And then,

00:35:35--> 00:35:37

a man asked Hassan al basri.

00:35:39--> 00:35:56

He said, several suitors have asked for my daughter in marriage, to whom should I give her? So Hasson Albus Rahim, Allah Allahu taala, he said to him, who is aware of his creator, for if he loves her, he will respect her.

00:35:57--> 00:36:02

And even if he comes to dislike her, he will not be cruel to her.

00:36:04--> 00:36:25

Because the one who is obedient to the Creator, the one who is obedient to the Creator, is more likely to be obedient to the created and being good to the creation, but the one who is not good doesn't have a good relationship with his creator, how do you think he's going to be with the creation?

00:36:27--> 00:36:43

So this is something very important to consider. And as I said earlier, character is very important. Now, how are you going to find out about the deen? How are you going to find out about the character, you can ask that person's friend, the teacher, the neighbor, someone who's traveled with them.

00:36:46--> 00:36:53

Somebody who studies with them, somebody who engages in business with them, make an effort to do this.

00:36:54--> 00:36:57

Don't quickly make up your mind.

00:36:59--> 00:37:10

But take it that extra step in shallow tile. Also, what I advise the sisters is to look for somebody who is hard working, someone who's going to be providing for you.

00:37:11--> 00:37:28

Yesterday, I spoke to another lady who was talking about a man whose wife is out working while he doesn't work, and he's sitting at home, and she has to go out and she has to work. And he just sits there and he's not working and doesn't provide for the family.

00:37:31--> 00:37:31

So

00:37:32--> 00:37:44

make sure that you that he is actually working, that is not lazy. Now also, what is important tip for females to consider

00:37:45--> 00:38:01

is compatibility. That you are both on the same page, that you are both on the same page, when it comes to your goals in life when it comes to your interests.

00:38:02--> 00:38:08

So how are you going to find out about compatibility, you're going to find out through communication.

00:38:09--> 00:38:12

This is where you would come to the

00:38:13--> 00:38:20

you will there'll be a meeting between you both within the presence of her welly her guardian.

00:38:21--> 00:38:21

And

00:38:22--> 00:38:29

you will ask questions and there are premarital questionnaires. I know I have a premarital questionnaire on my website.

00:38:31--> 00:38:35

Some 100 questions you can ask each other about the different areas of life.

00:38:37--> 00:39:27

What do you say about when it comes to the deen about lessons about travel about children? Where do you want your children to go? What type of schools? What about when it comes to finances? What about when it comes to social gatherings? You might be a very social person who meets someone who's not so social, is that going to impact you? I came across another couple. And, you know, there were married. And one of the two, one of the two couples is not a social person at all, while the other one is. And this affected her very much. Because she grew up in a very social atmosphere and doesn't like to be you know, isolated from social activities. Whereas her husband

00:39:29--> 00:39:49

grew up in a more reserved is more of an introvert doesn't like to get out there. So that really affected her. And she didn't like that, and was one of the reasons why she was considering moving on with her relationship and not being with this person anymore. So it's very important to find out what is it that you want.

00:39:50--> 00:39:59

Maybe maybe you might end up marrying someone who loves travel but you can't travel at all and your spouse is very passionate about that.

00:40:00--> 00:40:03

As for choosing a wife,

00:40:04--> 00:40:14

we've given some heads up and some advice to the sisters. As for choosing a wife, again, there needs to be attraction.

00:40:15--> 00:40:18

You know, women are more

00:40:22--> 00:40:27

women are more stimulated through the ease. Men are more stimulated through their eyes.

00:40:28--> 00:40:50

So it is very important that you don't marry somebody that you're not attracted to. And this has happened also in that community. Individuals who said, Look, you know, I married the sister, because she has Dean, she has a flap, she has, you know, beautiful things about her. I wasn't very attracted to her. But I thought, you know,

00:40:51--> 00:41:03

who cares with time maybe you know, that, you know, I can just live with that. And then what happens? They end up getting divorced, because that person compromised when it came to the attraction.

00:41:04--> 00:41:09

So can you see how much damage now that causes another individual?

00:41:10--> 00:41:40

This is, I'm talking to you from real life stories. I'm not talking to you from theories, people who I have interacted with who've been in this situation, whereby they said, I'm married for these other reasons, beautiful reasons. Praise was praiseworthy reasons, but there was no attraction and down the track that just affected them too much. And of course, it affected their spouse because they don't want their husband not to be attracted to them, and feel that hey, he doesn't find me attractive.

00:41:42--> 00:41:53

So yes, attraction is very important. And even at the time of the prophet SAW Selim, when one of the companions spoke to the prophet SAW a film about a woman who was married or he had married, he said, Did you look at her?

00:41:55--> 00:42:08

He said, Go and look at her. Because the eyes of the answer, there's something about the eyes of the inside the women of the inside, they had small eyes, and most men are attracted to women with large eyes.

00:42:10--> 00:42:21

So it's very important that for there to be an attraction number one, number two, of course religion and the deen is still up there. But make sure you're attracted.

00:42:23--> 00:42:31

When it comes to the dean, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said, a woman is married for one of four reasons to actually

00:42:32--> 00:43:16

he said Lee marry her while he has happy her family while he Dini for bidet de bachata. He said, a woman is either married for her wealth, or for her status, her lineage or for her German her her beauty or for her religion, her Deen and in the process of seven concluded and he said, Go for the one with the deen. Go for the one with the religion and you will prosper. You'll be happy. You'll be successful when you go for a woman who has religion. So now you've met a woman who's attractive, who you were attracted to, because beauty now is in the eye of the beholder. You see something beautiful about this person that probably another person doesn't see.

00:43:17--> 00:43:22

So, you have now you are happy with her taqwa and her

00:43:23--> 00:43:25

with her commitment to her Deen

00:43:26--> 00:44:15

and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He said that each one of you take a heart that is grateful a tongue that remembers Allah and unbelieving wife, who would assist him in regard to the affairs of the hereafter. So again, when it comes to also choosing a husband or choosing a wife, choose someone that's going to help you prosper and develop in your deen and help you to go to gender isn't that our primary goal in life? Isn't Our primary goal in life to enter gender to be admitted to the paradise of Allah subhanho wa Taala. So that's something also that's very important to consider. good character is also very important to consider. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa

00:44:15--> 00:44:39

sallam, he said, amongst the sources of happiness are four things. And he mentioned one of them as being a good wife who pleases you when you look at her. And when you are away from her, you trust her in regard to herself and her property. And he said, and amongst the sources of misery, or an evil wife, that when you look at her she dismays you

00:44:40--> 00:44:43

and he mentioned some other things in this hadith.

00:44:45--> 00:44:52

Also, if a a man has the choice between a married woman, a previously married woman,

00:44:53--> 00:44:59

and a woman who is who has never experienced marriage, then the preference should be

00:45:00--> 00:45:12

Towards a woman who has never experienced marriage before, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said and the Hadith that is found in taba Ronnie, he said marry virgins.

00:45:13--> 00:45:41

He said for indeed they have sweeter mouth's nerve more fertile wombs and are satisfied with little, you see, they haven't been there and experienced this and that from so they're going to be content with what little you offer them, especially if you know you're young and you don't have that much wealth. So they're going to be satisfied more easily than a woman who's already experienced, you know, having lots of wealth and being

00:45:42--> 00:45:44

spoiled spoiled in that way.

00:45:45--> 00:45:57

And as for having sweet amounts, there has been more than one interpretation regarding this. And one of the interpretations is that you know, they when it comes to their talk, they talk is sweet.

00:45:59--> 00:46:06

Okay, and more fertile wombs. And this was also the advice of process salad he gave to jab at bin Abdullah,

00:46:07--> 00:46:17

who married a woman who was a non virgin, and this Hadith, inshallah huhtala. You will find it in Bukhari Muslim.

00:46:19--> 00:46:24

Another factor to consider is a woman who is able to have children

00:46:25--> 00:46:36

and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, So would you Allah dude would marry the woman who is loving? What dude? Why is she able to have children?

00:46:37--> 00:46:47

He said, for in the McCarthy era and become an omen biomol PM, he said, For I will display your outnumbering of the other nations of adult judgment.

00:46:48--> 00:46:52

So part of the way that this Oh man, that this nation of islam

00:46:53--> 00:47:03

will become a very large nation and the largest Yani following of any part of the prophets of the past is by way of marriage.

00:47:04--> 00:47:06

So yes, this is the priority.

00:47:09--> 00:47:30

And usually how do you know that a woman is able to have or to bear children through the history of the family. So if there's a history in the family of those family members, not being able to have children the next how, you know, the chances of this woman having children are also decreased.

00:47:33--> 00:47:45

Of course, a woman that has a loving attitude, as per the Hadith that I just read, Allah dude elude The one who is loving, that's also very, very important for for for a husband.

00:47:46--> 00:48:14

And of course, likewise, marrying a woman that you are compatible with the terrorists compatibility, and again, how are you going to find about that compatibility through a compatibility test? A pre marital question, will you ask the questions and you make sure you are on the same page, you make sure you have a lot of Gani similarities, and you share the same goals in life.

00:48:15--> 00:48:23

One of the sayings of an Arab of the old This is not a hadith he said don't marry and a Nana

00:48:24--> 00:48:48

and Nana is a woman who always complaining always winching and I never satisfied you know, so don't marry and Nana so we want we don't want our sisters as well to be you know, to be always whinging and complaining This is unattractive. He said don't marry a man Nana. You know always doing things for a favor.

00:48:49--> 00:49:00

You know, always doing things as a favor to you. You know, I you know I cooked for you today. So you have to do this for me and that for me. I cleaned i doing things as a favor.

00:49:02--> 00:49:02

So

00:49:04--> 00:49:06

he said don't marry I have Nana.

00:49:07--> 00:49:08

Nana

00:49:09--> 00:49:33

is a woman who has a divorce. He is always thinking about her ex husband. Right? Always mentioning my ex husband did this and my ex husband did that. This is called a handyman. If you have been divorced, and you are remarried, do not mention your ex, okay to your current husband. I mentioned the good qualities and always he did this and you do this and you know, and he said don't marry her death

00:49:36--> 00:49:44

is a woman who's going to send you broke everything she sees, you know, she wants to buy. This is called the hot data he said

00:49:46--> 00:49:49

from amongst the things that you need to consider

00:49:51--> 00:49:54

is you have to ask yourself

00:49:55--> 00:49:58

certain questions about the person that you want to marry.

00:50:00--> 00:50:24

Are they the type of person that you would like, for your child to look up to and be like? So you have to ask yourself if Allah subhana wa Taala blessed you with a boy? Do you want your son to be like that man? Or do you want your daughter to be like that woman? If the answer is yes, that's a good sign. If the answer is no,

00:50:25--> 00:50:27

then you know that you need to consider somebody else.

00:50:29--> 00:50:45

I know one, I know of one story whereby a woman married a man purely because of his Deen, he's a flap. Yes, there was attraction. But she said, I really wanted my future boys. If Allah, Allah blessed me with a boy to be like that, man.

00:50:46--> 00:51:01

That's what you have to ask yourself. I use that person as well. You have to be that person. Now what's interesting to note also, when it comes to choosing a wife, okay, you often when you ask the youth when you ask the boys,

00:51:02--> 00:51:27

the young men you ask them, what type of wife Do you want to marry? That will tell you I want to marry a woman who is religious, you know, that she's modest and chase and him. He may have had like, 100 girlfriends. Okay, he may have been, he's probably one of the he has a really bad, you know, history, bad attitude. yet. Every one of those boys will tell you, I want a good woman.

00:51:28--> 00:51:37

That's how much that's how important it is for a sister to be modest, to be chaste, to be having good, Dean, good luck.

00:51:39--> 00:51:45

So basically search for when you're searching for a spouse, search for a mother

00:51:47--> 00:52:01

or for a father and not a babysitter for your child. Because many children many parents are just like babysitters. They're not that ideal father, that ideal mother. They just like they just sort of supervising the children. That's it.

00:52:02--> 00:52:10

You know, when you look at some of our greatest leaders, our greatest scholars, who are their parents, their parents who raised for example, in mid

00:52:12--> 00:52:24

emammal Buhari is known, most authentic book of after the Quran is the son of Buhari, who raised Emanuel Shafi, who raised him met and many of the elite scholars.

00:52:25--> 00:52:43

Okay, they had very good parents. So always choose very wisely for your children. When a man came complaining about a man came to America when he was the leader, when he was the halifa, and men came complaining to me

00:52:46--> 00:52:47

about his son.

00:52:48--> 00:52:53

And he said, My son is this my son is that he's disobedient to me. And so

00:52:54--> 00:53:23

he said, he went when he summoned the Son, and he spoke to the son, he said to him, but a middle minion doesn't do not have rights also, as a son, he suggests, of course, he goes, What what are my rights, and he mentioned to him some rights. And he's one of the rights is that he chooses a good mother for you. It means he should have chosen a good, he said, My father is married. Okay, my father is married to

00:53:24--> 00:53:26

I think was a fire worshipper or imagine.

00:53:28--> 00:53:37

So, then it goes to the Father and said, you have you have Jani Danny justice to your son before he has done injustice to you,

00:53:39--> 00:53:41

by you not choosing a right mother for him.

00:53:42--> 00:53:51

So let's remember this also, for a master questions you should consider. Are you happy with the way you are now?

00:53:52--> 00:54:02

With the way they are now? Sorry, the way that this this this potential spouse is now? Or are you hoping that they will change?

00:54:03--> 00:54:14

So in other words, don't marry potential? Don't gamble, don't say? Well, there's a good chance that they will change now there isn't a good chance. That's who they are. Now, how do you know that won't change for the worse?

00:54:17--> 00:54:22

Don't gamble when it comes to your marriage, when it comes to your future?

00:54:25--> 00:54:38

Also, can you see yourself with this person? 30 years from now? Don't think short term? Yes, the biceps and the figure and the attraction in the appearance and the looks? Think long term?

00:54:39--> 00:54:49

Do you feel calm? Do you feel at peace? Do you feel relaxed with that person that's also very important. Likewise, can you

00:54:50--> 00:54:59

fully be yourself and express yourself with this person? Or does this person intimidate you? Does this person make you feel uncomfortable? Don't matter?

00:55:00--> 00:55:13

That type of person, you need to be yourself, even if you're going to be your silly self, whatever it is that you're going to be, can you be yourself around that person? That's something else you need to ask yourself.

00:55:15--> 00:55:19

Does this person make you feel good about yourself?

00:55:20--> 00:55:25

that's also very important. So can you be yourself but also does that person make you feel good

00:55:27--> 00:55:31

because remembering that person is going to be very close with you throughout your life.

00:55:32--> 00:55:36

And also be aware of the I'm in love syndrome.

00:55:38--> 00:55:42

Because often I'm in love is not I'm in love is I'm in lust.

00:55:43--> 00:55:44

Be careful.

00:55:45--> 00:55:47

And we find that

00:55:49--> 00:55:52

many people after the first year and he or two,

00:55:54--> 00:56:05

when that novelty wears out, that's when the reality kicks in. So that spark, okay will become eventually just a little bit a lot more

00:56:06--> 00:56:56

balanced. So be very, very careful when it comes to this. Now marriage, as I said earlier, is serious business. And there's a contract involved. And there are witnesses and there is the father of the bride, the Wali and remembering my message to the youth also, is that you cannot get married without a Willie. You cannot marry without a worldly and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. In the Hadith found in Abu Dawood and Sunni Timothy, he said, lanica ha Illa be Walid there is no valid marriage without a wedding. There is no valid marriage without a Willie. So it's not permissible for a woman to marry herself to a man without the permission of her father.

00:56:58--> 00:57:25

And even amendment Buhari in his side, he has a chapter that is entitled bad land, he can elaborate the chapter that there is no valid marriage except without without a family. And this is the opinion of the majority of the scholars except for Abu hanifa Rahim Allahu taala, which he has allowed for this for a woman to give herself a marriage without a Willie.

00:57:27--> 00:57:43

But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he stressed the importance of the Willie. So you might be asking, okay, if my father is not alive, what happens then, if your father is not alive, then it goes to your paternal grandfather, you have to get permission from your father's father, your grandfather,

00:57:44--> 00:57:46

if he's not around, then if

00:57:48--> 00:57:56

you you were a widow, or you were divorced your son, if he's of over the age of puberty,

00:57:57--> 00:58:03

if you don't have a son, then it becomes your brother your full brother, then you're half brother, then you step product cetera

00:58:04--> 00:58:15

your brother's son, then his sons, etc. Your paternal uncles, your paternal uncle sons, and if none of these are available, then you go to the Muslim leader.

00:58:16--> 00:59:11

Okay, and if you are a revert or a convert your well he becomes the Imam you can't choose usually, you can choose an Imam, a leading fig figure in the community, the head of an organization, a chef, a reputable chef who has authority he can be your Willie, but for you just to choose randomly, usually this is not acceptable. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said was so tiny, where the human level Lila soupon, the leader is the Valley of a woman who does not have a valley. So amongst the obstacles that the youth are facing today regarding marriages are number one. We have very high dairies or dahlias, whereby parents set very high dairies that make it very difficult on

00:59:13--> 00:59:16

the boy or the young man to get married.

00:59:18--> 00:59:23

From and so we need to make it easy on our youth. So they don't fall into Xena.

00:59:24--> 00:59:41

From amongst what makes marriage very difficult for many of our youth today are difficult valleys, who will only give their daughters to men of the same nationality, or the same village or somebody related to them. And nationalism is not on in Islam.

00:59:43--> 00:59:46

Islam came to get rid of, you know,

00:59:47--> 00:59:51

nationalism and these prejudices

00:59:52--> 00:59:53

and racism.

00:59:55--> 00:59:59

Another obstacle is parents not allowing children

01:00:00--> 01:00:05

They get married until they complete their higher learning studies such as university or college.

01:00:06--> 01:00:56

And maybe this was something applicable in in a day and age when it comes to when it came to many parents. But this is something very, very dangerous in this day and age. Maybe the fitna wasn't around in your time. But the fitna today is very, very evident, that if you are delaying for these reasons, and again, I see people, I see young children who were at university, they want to get married to one another, the parents even know that they are engaged, and they give their blessing for the engagement. Yet, they will not give their daughter in marriage and not go ahead with the marriage because I want my daughter to finish her studies, I want my son to finish his studies.

01:00:58--> 01:01:02

Do they not feed their children falling into Xena well as a biller.

01:01:03--> 01:01:03

So

01:01:05--> 01:01:21

this is another another problem, or I want them to save up enough money to celebrate a big wedding, I want to have a $25,000 $50,000 $100,000 wedding or a smartphone. There are some people who think like this.

01:01:23--> 01:01:33

So these type of obstacles, or I want to make sure for example, that he has a car and he has a home and he has certain, you know, furniture.

01:01:35--> 01:01:46

So these sort of obstacles are going to give way to illicit relationships, they're going to give a giveaway to Xena. And they're going to give away to eloping and invalid marriages.

01:01:47--> 01:01:50

And then Hamdulillah, Allah subhanho wa Taala, he made.

01:01:52--> 01:02:35

He made this, he made marriage very, very simple. And so what I also want to say to the youth, if you want to get married, and you want, and you have some complicated or difficult parents, then what your parents probably also want to see with you is a sense of responsibility. You to show your parents that you are responsible. That Yes, as a as a woman, you are able to please your husband in cooking and cleaning and running a household in having children, that as a husband, you are able to spend on your wife that you know how to save money, that you are hardworking, that you are responsible.

01:02:36--> 01:02:43

The more that you can show these characteristics and these traits, the better your chances are of getting married.

01:02:44--> 01:02:53

So you want to show maturity, you want to have a steady job. You want to show that you know what you know that you know where your feet are that you know where you are headed in life.

01:02:55--> 01:02:56

And I also want

01:02:58--> 01:03:23

the youth to be optimistic. And in the Hadith that is found in cinema telemovie the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said three groups of people Allah has obligated himself to help three groups of people Allah will help them who are the number one he said the Mujahid the Mujahid, in the in the cause of Allah who helped them Mujahid. He said a slave to pay his debt.

01:03:26--> 01:03:47

A slave who is in contract with his master to pay himself he has entered into this contract to and he wants to release himself from his master and he's sincere but this Allah will help you. And the third one he said and the one who wants to marry and the one who wants to marry with sincerity. Then Allah subhanaw taala will help him

01:03:48--> 01:03:51

and I leave the youth with this verse from the Quran.

01:03:53--> 01:04:02

And this is from suta note, Chapter 24 from the Quran, verse 33. Allah subhanho wa Taala says,

01:04:03--> 01:04:20

Walia starfilled Latina leja gtuner Nika Han had youth Nia woman love woman, sadly, Allah says, but let them who do not find the means of marriage. abstain, in other words, be chased

01:04:22--> 01:04:27

by not committing Zina until Allah enriches them from his bounty.

01:04:28--> 01:04:38

So Allah subhana wa Taala is saying to those who don't have the means to get married, you'd like to get married, but you don't have the money. You don't have

01:04:39--> 01:05:00

the ability for whatever reason it might be. Allah is commending you, this individual to be chaste, be modest, be patient, and do all of those things that are going to keep you modest and chaste. And if you will do this Allah subhanho wa Taala is going to end

01:05:00--> 01:05:00

Ritu

01:05:02--> 01:05:07

How is it that Allah subhanho wa Taala is going to enrich you.

01:05:08--> 01:05:18

Allah will enrich you because you applied taqwa Allah. Because you applied the fear of Allah and in Surah to Allah.

01:05:19--> 01:05:25

In the chapter of divorce, where Allah mentions taqwa in at least four places.

01:05:27--> 01:05:57

Allah says when may yet tequila, eh Allah Maharajah Why are so common hate to say? He said, Whoever has the taqwa of Allah, Allah will provide a way out, meaning a way out of hardship, and he will provide for him in terms of sustenance from when he least expects it. So you have a chance as a youth, who is striving to be modest to become rich.

01:05:58--> 01:06:16

You can actually end up becoming rich through the taqwa of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And Allah will then provide a way out of your hardship, but to go and fall into Haram, and to go and do the Haram and you may face the opposite and you might find yourself poor.

01:06:18--> 01:07:08

And so remember to always put your trust in Allah subhanaw taala and have Taqwa Allah so Allah can make it easy for you. I ask Allah subhana wa Taala to amaze us all with his countless blessings, and his bounties to give patients to our youth to give them guidance to give them direction. I asked Allah subhanaw taala to distel outstanding spouses to our boys and our girls, our brothers and our sisters, and to make it easy for them to protect them from all types of harm. Will Lakota Island pasilla Allahu wa Sallim wa barik ala nabina Muhammad salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa wabarakatuh.