Bilal Assad – The relationship between parents and children

Bilal Assad
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AI: Summary ©

The speaker discusses the rights and boundaries between parents and children, emphasizing the importance of respect and Kindred. They stress the need to be aware of one's parents' behavior and use them as a tool to make decisions. The speaker provides a free course for parents to teach these skills and advises parents to show compassion and empathy towards their children. They also emphasize the importance of communication skills and organizational skills for children, and provide advice on how to handle parenting and show respect towards parents. The speaker emphasizes the need to be aware of one's parents' behavior and not abandoning others.

AI: Summary ©

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			Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, alhamdulillah, wassalatu wassalamu
		
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			ala rasoolillah, assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
		
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			My brothers and sisters, my topic today can
		
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			be a little bit sensitive and it might
		
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			trigger some people.
		
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			So, the topic is about parents and children
		
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			and our relationship together.
		
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			And in this talk, I'm going to talk
		
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			a little bit about the parents and then
		
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			about the children, mostly the teenagers.
		
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			And we're going to talk about some of
		
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			the rights between each other.
		
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			And when is it okay to, or what
		
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			are the boundaries between us?
		
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			What does it mean to obey our parents
		
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			and to follow them and to listen to
		
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			them?
		
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			And what does it mean that the parents'
		
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			rights towards their children mean?
		
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			And are there any boundaries?
		
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			How do we connect together?
		
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			So, let's inshallah delve into, I've only got
		
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			30 minutes, I hope inshallah we learn something.
		
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			My brothers and sisters, when you change the
		
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			way you look at something, the thing that
		
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			you're looking at changes.
		
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			When you change the way you look at
		
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			something, the way that something looks changes.
		
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			So let us inshallah look at things from
		
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			a different angle.
		
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			And you'll see many doors open up for
		
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			you inshallah.
		
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			Let us begin first of all with what
		
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			Allah tells us about our parents.
		
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			And then I'll talk about what Allah tells
		
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			us about our children.
		
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			I think you'll like it.
		
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			Allah says in the Quran, the famous verse
		
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			which all of us know, أعوذ بالله من
		
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			الشيطان الرجيم بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم أعوذ
		
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			بالله من الشيطان الرحيم وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا
		
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			رَبَّيَنِي صَغِيرًا Allah says in Surah Al-Isra,
		
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			Surah number 17, verse 23.
		
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			Your Lord has decreed, do not worship any
		
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			but Him.
		
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			Be good to your parents.
		
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			And should both or any of them attain
		
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			old age with you, do not stay, do
		
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			not say to them even the word Uf.
		
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			Neither speak to them rudely, but speak to
		
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			them with respect.
		
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			And be humble and tender towards them and
		
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			say, Lord, show mercy to them as they
		
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			nurtured me when I was a small child.
		
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			So the first thing we understand, my brothers
		
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			and sisters, is to remember why Allah has
		
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			put so much emphasis on the niceness and
		
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			kindness and respect to our parents.
		
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			I think you already saw in this verse
		
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			what it means.
		
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			Oh Allah, give them mercy as they raised
		
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			me when I was a little child.
		
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			When you were a baby and your mother
		
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			carried you for nine months, the pain and
		
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			the agony that she went through, agony upon
		
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			agony is one for your life.
		
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			The second one is when she went into
		
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			labor.
		
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			Agony upon agony and pain twice.
		
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			And then she had to breastfeed you and
		
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			heal from her labor.
		
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			And some mothers would have breastfed their children
		
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			for two whole years.
		
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			Her nourishment and everything about herself, it was
		
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			all about you.
		
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			When you were a baby that time, you
		
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			had no strength.
		
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			You were only weak and your parents showed
		
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			you mercy and they would rather give their
		
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			life for you instead of their own.
		
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			And your father was there for you to
		
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			make sure that you are protected and secure
		
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			until you grew so that you can become
		
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			slightly independent.
		
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			Then as a child, you were still dependent
		
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			on your parents until you became a teenager.
		
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			And then suddenly the strength comes in, your
		
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			mind comes in, your independence comes in, and
		
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			now you want to be your own person.
		
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			But with that comes the respect and the
		
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			kindness to our parents until our death.
		
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			Their right is so much that even after
		
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			their death, after their death, we still owe
		
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			them five rights.
		
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			Number one, to make dua for them.
		
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			Number two, to ask Allah to forgive them.
		
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			Number three, to connect the family ties that
		
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			are connected because of them, like your uncles,
		
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			your aunts.
		
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			Number four, to carry out the bequest.
		
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			If they left the bequest behind to do
		
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			something, you carry out what we call their
		
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			bequest.
		
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			And fifth is to be considerate to the
		
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			friends that they used to have.
		
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			These are the general rights.
		
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			And at the same time, brothers and sisters,
		
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			I don't want you to mix up between
		
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			obeying your parents in everything and the right
		
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			of your parents to control everything in your
		
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			life and between being kind, respectful, and dutiful
		
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			to them.
		
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			Allah SWT, He mentions, be kind and respectful
		
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			to them and serve them and be there
		
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			for them for all their needs.
		
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			But of course, Allah SWT, He put boundaries
		
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			to that too.
		
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			You have your rights and they have their
		
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			rights.
		
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			It is a big test to raise children
		
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			and it is a huge test to also
		
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			look after your parents.
		
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			Parents are a test for their children and
		
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			children are a test for their parents.
		
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			My dear brothers and sisters, Allah SWT then
		
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			tells us in another verse, I seek refuge
		
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			with Allah from the accursed Satan.
		
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			I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed
		
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			Satan.
		
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			Surah number 31, verse 14, Allah says, We
		
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			enjoined upon man to be dutiful to his
		
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			parents.
		
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			His mother bare him in weakness upon weakness.
		
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			And his weaning lasted two years.
		
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			We therefore enjoined upon him, Give thanks to
		
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			me and to your parents.
		
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			To me is your ultimate return.
		
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			But if they, if they press you and
		
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			pressure you and try to force you to
		
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			associate partners with Allah, then do not obey
		
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			them.
		
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			And yet treat them well in this world
		
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			and follow the way of Him to turn
		
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			to me in devotion.
		
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			Eventually it is to me that all of
		
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			you shall return.
		
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			And I shall then tell you all that
		
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			you did.
		
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			Some young people say to me, My parents
		
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			mistreat me.
		
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			Do I continue to show them that kindness?
		
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			They don't deserve it.
		
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			Some young people say it not knowing what
		
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			they're saying really.
		
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			They're saying they don't deserve it maybe from
		
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			their perspective.
		
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			So for example, some young people might say,
		
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			Well, if my parents go along this way,
		
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			that means I'm happy with them.
		
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			But if they don't go along that way,
		
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			for example, you want something and it doesn't
		
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			go your way, then suddenly we might think
		
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			that our parents are bad to us.
		
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			So please be careful and analyze and think.
		
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			Are they really being bad to you?
		
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			Or are you just being a person who
		
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			is thinking more about your needs and forgetting
		
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			their needs?
		
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			Number two, there are parents who are truly
		
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			oppressive and they are horrible to their children.
		
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			They exist and we hear about them night
		
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			and day.
		
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			Some of them use this verse like a
		
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			guillotine and a sword on their children, as
		
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			if to say that I own you and
		
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			everything about you and I get to control
		
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			everything about you.
		
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			Some of them use dua and say, If
		
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			you don't do this or if that happens
		
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			and I'm not happy with you, I beseech
		
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			Allah to be angry with you till the
		
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			end of time.
		
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			Some of them use that as a weapon.
		
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			And some of them do go further into
		
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			even more horrendous situations.
		
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			But they are, my dear brothers and sisters,
		
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			the exceptions.
		
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			The normal norm of parents is that Allah
		
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			SWT tells us, even if you disagree with
		
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			them, even if they tell you to do
		
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			something that's harsh and hard, even if sometimes
		
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			you don't have to obey them, here's the
		
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			thing.
		
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			You always have to be respectful to them.
		
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			Like no matter what.
		
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			Some say, well, they're not respectful to me.
		
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			I say, your parents have a special place.
		
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			Even if they are disrespectful to their own
		
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			children, you don't do the same.
		
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			You need to break that cycle and not
		
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			be that same person because one day when
		
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			you have children and they watch you the
		
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			way that you treat your parents, they're going
		
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			to treat you the same way you treated
		
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			their grandparents.
		
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			Mark my words.
		
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			You need to break that cycle and know
		
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			that Allah SWT has given both your parents
		
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			and you a guidance and a path.
		
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			And look at this verse what it's saying.
		
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			Allah is saying to you, All of you
		
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			are going to return to me.
		
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			And Allah is saying, I am going to
		
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			question both your parents and I'm going to
		
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			question the children.
		
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			Each one, did you fulfill the duty and
		
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			did you look after the trust which I
		
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			gave you?
		
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			Oh parents, did you look after those children
		
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			that I gave you temporarily?
		
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			They're mine.
		
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			Allah is saying, they're mine.
		
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			You don't own them.
		
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			I gave them to you as a trust,
		
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			as a gift.
		
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			And I gave you authority over them to
		
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			a certain degree for a purpose, to raise
		
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			them, to look after them, to teach them,
		
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			to educate them, to teach them about Allah,
		
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			to leave a beautiful generation behind.
		
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			And if you do so, I will make
		
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			them an intercessor for you on a day
		
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			of judgment and because of them you will
		
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			enter paradise.
		
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			Or did you not fulfill that trust?
		
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			Did you break it?
		
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			Did you make, did you abuse your rights?
		
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			Did you use the verses of the Quran?
		
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			Same with the children.
		
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			How did you treat your parents?
		
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			Allah is going to say, I made them
		
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			get weaker and older and you saw that
		
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			before your eyes.
		
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			They got sick.
		
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			They got older.
		
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			They got feeble.
		
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			You got stronger.
		
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			You became more independent.
		
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			And what did you do with that strength?
		
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			Did you abuse it?
		
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			Did you mistreat them?
		
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			Or did you fulfill how I commanded you?
		
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			Don't you think, brothers and sisters, that Allah
		
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			doesn't know that there are families who go
		
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			through struggles and that there are harsh parents
		
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			and harsh children and all of that yet
		
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			Allah still says to you, وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا
		
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			مَعْرُوفًا In this verse here, it's talking about
		
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			disbelieving parents and not only disbelieving parents, it's
		
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			talking about kafir parents who are forcing their
		
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			children to worship idols, forcing their children to
		
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			swear at God, to swear at the Prophet
		
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			Muhammad ﷺ, to disbelieve in the Qur'an,
		
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			to talk harshly about Islam.
		
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			These are the types of parents Allah is
		
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			talking about.
		
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			This is abuse.
		
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			Yet Allah is saying, just don't listen to
		
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			them.
		
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			Don't obey them.
		
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			Don't go down that road.
		
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			But the way you oppose them, you need
		
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			to find a way to oppose them without
		
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			crossing your boundaries.
		
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			Oppose them respectfully.
		
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			You know, brothers and sisters, something that I
		
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			find among, because I've been a teacher for
		
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			a while, and I find among teenagers, my
		
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			students, something that we need to teach more
		
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			often, and I hope inshallah some of you
		
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			here can do courses like that or among
		
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			you who are teachers, to teach communication skills.
		
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			Communication, management, and organizational skills.
		
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			To be able to look past just myself
		
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			and to put myself in someone else's shoes
		
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			and be able to communicate in a way
		
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			that I can get to them.
		
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			I have this formula.
		
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			It's called A-A-T...
		
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			No, A-A-T-T.
		
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			A-A-T-T.
		
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			And it'll work in anything you do.
		
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			Alright, I'm just going to give you this
		
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			for free.
		
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			You want to open up a business, you
		
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			want to deal with customs, you want to
		
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			deal with your parents, with your spouse, with
		
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			your children, always use it this way.
		
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			If there's something that someone's complaining about or
		
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			opposing you about or, you know, showing harshness
		
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			about it, number one, listen then.
		
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			Number one, acknowledge.
		
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			I understand what you're going through and, you
		
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			know, I can see that you're frustrated.
		
00:14:13 --> 00:14:16
			Number two, I call it A-A, I'll
		
00:14:16 --> 00:14:17
			call it A-V.
		
00:14:17 --> 00:14:18
			So, validate.
		
00:14:19 --> 00:14:19
			Validate.
		
00:14:20 --> 00:14:21
			A-V, validate.
		
00:14:21 --> 00:14:23
			Say, and I can only imagine how hard
		
00:14:23 --> 00:14:24
			it feels.
		
00:14:24 --> 00:14:27
			Mom, Dad, I understand, you know, and it
		
00:14:27 --> 00:14:28
			must be really hard if I was in
		
00:14:28 --> 00:14:28
			your shoes.
		
00:14:29 --> 00:14:30
			Or a parent says it to a child.
		
00:14:30 --> 00:14:33
			Say, you know, Habibti, I understand, you know,
		
00:14:33 --> 00:14:33
			to a daughter.
		
00:14:34 --> 00:14:36
			I understand how, what you're going through and,
		
00:14:36 --> 00:14:38
			you know, it must feel really hard.
		
00:14:38 --> 00:14:39
			Then, talk.
		
00:14:40 --> 00:14:41
			Tell them the advice.
		
00:14:41 --> 00:14:43
			And then when you tell them the advice,
		
00:14:43 --> 00:14:44
			in the end, thank them.
		
00:14:44 --> 00:14:45
			Thank them for listening.
		
00:14:47 --> 00:14:48
			And always thank them to give you feedback.
		
00:14:49 --> 00:14:51
			Brothers and sisters, Wallahi, Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
		
00:14:51 --> 00:14:52
			taught us a way of how to communicate
		
00:14:52 --> 00:14:54
			and you can really reach a person's heart
		
00:14:54 --> 00:14:56
			if you can master that.
		
00:14:57 --> 00:14:57
			Anybody.
		
00:14:57 --> 00:14:59
			There's a book called How to Make Friends
		
00:14:59 --> 00:15:00
			and Influence People.
		
00:15:01 --> 00:15:03
			It teaches you how to win a person's
		
00:15:03 --> 00:15:03
			heart.
		
00:15:03 --> 00:15:05
			And subhanAllah, when I read it, written by
		
00:15:05 --> 00:15:08
			a non-Muslim, it kinds of agrees with
		
00:15:08 --> 00:15:09
			a lot of the sunnah and seerah of
		
00:15:09 --> 00:15:11
			the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, the way the
		
00:15:11 --> 00:15:12
			Prophet, peace be upon him, used to approach
		
00:15:12 --> 00:15:13
			people.
		
00:15:14 --> 00:15:16
			So, there is a way to oppose people
		
00:15:16 --> 00:15:18
			by still respecting them.
		
00:15:20 --> 00:15:26
			My brothers and sisters, I've heard young people
		
00:15:26 --> 00:15:31
			say, if my dad spends on me, it's
		
00:15:31 --> 00:15:32
			his duty.
		
00:15:33 --> 00:15:34
			My mom spends on me, it's her duty.
		
00:15:35 --> 00:15:36
			Okay, what do you mean it's their duty?
		
00:15:37 --> 00:15:38
			It means they brought me into this world,
		
00:15:39 --> 00:15:41
			they got to feed me, I owe them
		
00:15:41 --> 00:15:41
			nothing.
		
00:15:42 --> 00:15:43
			I didn't ask them to bring me into
		
00:15:43 --> 00:15:43
			this world.
		
00:15:44 --> 00:15:45
			SubhanAllah.
		
00:15:46 --> 00:15:48
			They forget that it is Allah who brought
		
00:15:48 --> 00:15:49
			them into this world.
		
00:15:50 --> 00:15:53
			They forget that it is not up to
		
00:15:53 --> 00:15:54
			us who's going to be born and who's
		
00:15:54 --> 00:15:54
			not.
		
00:15:55 --> 00:15:57
			Some of us, we can't even have children.
		
00:15:59 --> 00:16:01
			And they forget that they're going to be
		
00:16:01 --> 00:16:03
			questioned by Allah and this is a test
		
00:16:03 --> 00:16:03
			for them.
		
00:16:03 --> 00:16:04
			Your parents are a test.
		
00:16:05 --> 00:16:06
			And they forget that one day they're going
		
00:16:06 --> 00:16:07
			to get married and they're going to have
		
00:16:07 --> 00:16:08
			kids inshaAllah.
		
00:16:09 --> 00:16:10
			And their kids are going to do the
		
00:16:10 --> 00:16:10
			same to them.
		
00:16:11 --> 00:16:14
			And they forget that their misery and their
		
00:16:14 --> 00:16:17
			sadness and their issues in life is because
		
00:16:17 --> 00:16:20
			they're distant from their parents and it's very
		
00:16:20 --> 00:16:20
			selfish.
		
00:16:21 --> 00:16:23
			What do you mean it's your duty?
		
00:16:24 --> 00:16:26
			So a parent, yes it's their duty but
		
00:16:26 --> 00:16:28
			who's going to stop them if they don't
		
00:16:28 --> 00:16:28
			spend on you?
		
00:16:29 --> 00:16:30
			They listen to Allah.
		
00:16:30 --> 00:16:32
			The fact that they are obeying Allah, the
		
00:16:32 --> 00:16:33
			fact that they are doing it out of
		
00:16:33 --> 00:16:35
			love, the fact that they acknowledge that you're
		
00:16:35 --> 00:16:38
			their child, that requires a reciprocation.
		
00:16:39 --> 00:16:41
			They also have rights on us.
		
00:16:42 --> 00:16:44
			So please don't speak to your parents that
		
00:16:44 --> 00:16:48
			way because the circle will happen again to
		
00:16:48 --> 00:16:48
			you.
		
00:16:49 --> 00:16:53
			My brothers and sisters, my advice as well
		
00:16:53 --> 00:16:57
			to parents in dealing with your teenage children,
		
00:16:58 --> 00:17:01
			please understand that they're still learning.
		
00:17:02 --> 00:17:03
			Have mercy on them.
		
00:17:04 --> 00:17:06
			Be compassionate towards them and what I mean
		
00:17:06 --> 00:17:09
			by that is not by giving them everything
		
00:17:09 --> 00:17:10
			they want.
		
00:17:10 --> 00:17:10
			No.
		
00:17:11 --> 00:17:15
			Being compassionate to them is the following.
		
00:17:16 --> 00:17:18
			Do these seven things in your life and
		
00:17:18 --> 00:17:19
			make them a habit with your teenage kids
		
00:17:19 --> 00:17:22
			especially if they pass that and they become
		
00:17:22 --> 00:17:22
			adults forever.
		
00:17:23 --> 00:17:25
			Number one, try to be a listener.
		
00:17:26 --> 00:17:30
			Parents, listen to your child without judgment.
		
00:17:31 --> 00:17:34
			For example, some children, some teenagers, they may
		
00:17:34 --> 00:17:36
			have gone up to no good and suddenly
		
00:17:36 --> 00:17:39
			you'll find that they lock themselves up in
		
00:17:39 --> 00:17:39
			their room.
		
00:17:40 --> 00:17:42
			One minute they've been out talking to family
		
00:17:42 --> 00:17:43
			and the next minute they just change.
		
00:17:43 --> 00:17:45
			They isolate themselves, they go into the room,
		
00:17:45 --> 00:17:48
			they close the door and suddenly you think
		
00:17:48 --> 00:17:49
			something's going on, right?
		
00:17:50 --> 00:17:52
			A parent has to understand that they are
		
00:17:52 --> 00:17:54
			now going into the world and they're starting
		
00:17:54 --> 00:17:55
			to become adults themselves.
		
00:17:55 --> 00:17:57
			So obviously they're going to fall into some
		
00:17:57 --> 00:18:00
			problems but if they're not able to come
		
00:18:00 --> 00:18:02
			to you as a parent then you've got
		
00:18:02 --> 00:18:04
			to re-evaluate how your relationship is with
		
00:18:04 --> 00:18:04
			them.
		
00:18:05 --> 00:18:07
			The most successful parents I have come across
		
00:18:07 --> 00:18:10
			in my life are the ones who their
		
00:18:10 --> 00:18:12
			children can come to talk to them about
		
00:18:12 --> 00:18:13
			any problem.
		
00:18:15 --> 00:18:18
			So once they do that, tell them, look,
		
00:18:18 --> 00:18:21
			son, daughter, I'm here to listen and wallahi,
		
00:18:21 --> 00:18:22
			I will not judge you.
		
00:18:23 --> 00:18:24
			Now parents might, some of them might get
		
00:18:24 --> 00:18:26
			an anxiety attack and say, oh my god,
		
00:18:26 --> 00:18:27
			I don't know what's going on and if
		
00:18:27 --> 00:18:28
			they tell me they're going to lose the
		
00:18:28 --> 00:18:29
			plot.
		
00:18:29 --> 00:18:31
			I say to you, listen, it is better
		
00:18:31 --> 00:18:33
			for them to tell you about the problem
		
00:18:33 --> 00:18:36
			now before it advances and gets even bigger
		
00:18:37 --> 00:18:39
			later on when it's not going to be
		
00:18:39 --> 00:18:40
			able to be dealt with.
		
00:18:41 --> 00:18:42
			Let them talk to you now.
		
00:18:44 --> 00:18:45
			There's a parent of mine who gave me
		
00:18:45 --> 00:18:47
			this idea, a parent that I spoke to,
		
00:18:47 --> 00:18:48
			he says he's got a daughter who is
		
00:18:48 --> 00:18:52
			about 11, 12 years old and whenever he
		
00:18:52 --> 00:18:55
			agreed with his daughter saying, listen, if there's
		
00:18:55 --> 00:18:57
			anything sensitive we're going to talk about we
		
00:18:57 --> 00:19:00
			need a word between us and then she
		
00:19:00 --> 00:19:01
			goes, what's the word?
		
00:19:01 --> 00:19:03
			He goes, let's say for example, balloon.
		
00:19:04 --> 00:19:07
			Balloon means we're in this vacuum and we're
		
00:19:07 --> 00:19:08
			protected.
		
00:19:08 --> 00:19:10
			So that means we can talk about anything
		
00:19:10 --> 00:19:11
			without any judgment.
		
00:19:12 --> 00:19:14
			And that worked tremendously because that child now
		
00:19:14 --> 00:19:15
			grew up to know that there is a
		
00:19:15 --> 00:19:18
			safety net that they can talk to their
		
00:19:18 --> 00:19:20
			parent without being judged and so they can
		
00:19:20 --> 00:19:21
			work on solutions inshallah.
		
00:19:22 --> 00:19:25
			Number two, show your teenagers interest and your
		
00:19:25 --> 00:19:29
			adult children, especially as they're growing up, maybe
		
00:19:29 --> 00:19:31
			9, 10, 11 years old, show them how
		
00:19:31 --> 00:19:34
			you are also interested in their hobbies.
		
00:19:35 --> 00:19:36
			Don't belittle their hobbies.
		
00:19:36 --> 00:19:38
			They're allowed to have games and hobbies and
		
00:19:38 --> 00:19:40
			share it even if you don't enjoy it.
		
00:19:40 --> 00:19:44
			Number three, talk about their feelings and your
		
00:19:44 --> 00:19:44
			feelings.
		
00:19:45 --> 00:19:47
			Parents can talk about their vulnerabilities and talk
		
00:19:47 --> 00:19:49
			about on a deeper level rather than just
		
00:19:49 --> 00:19:54
			rules, instructions, consequences, school.
		
00:19:55 --> 00:19:56
			When they come home, it's another school.
		
00:19:57 --> 00:19:58
			You know, homes these days are two types.
		
00:19:58 --> 00:20:02
			They're either totally neglectful or totally military.
		
00:20:03 --> 00:20:04
			Another school.
		
00:20:04 --> 00:20:05
			They come back home, another school.
		
00:20:05 --> 00:20:06
			Or they go to school, come back, and
		
00:20:06 --> 00:20:07
			it's neglectful.
		
00:20:07 --> 00:20:10
			On their iPads, on their audio-visuals all
		
00:20:10 --> 00:20:11
			night, no care.
		
00:20:11 --> 00:20:12
			You've got to strike a balance.
		
00:20:13 --> 00:20:16
			So what happens here is talk on a
		
00:20:16 --> 00:20:16
			personal level.
		
00:20:17 --> 00:20:19
			Walk together and talk on personal levels and
		
00:20:19 --> 00:20:21
			be vulnerable a little bit, oh parents, and
		
00:20:21 --> 00:20:23
			you'll watch your children will start opening up
		
00:20:23 --> 00:20:23
			inshallah.
		
00:20:24 --> 00:20:28
			Number four, acknowledge, validate, tell, and then thank.
		
00:20:28 --> 00:20:30
			Acknowledge your children's feelings.
		
00:20:31 --> 00:20:32
			Validate them.
		
00:20:33 --> 00:20:35
			Start like this, say, I see that this
		
00:20:35 --> 00:20:36
			is upsetting you.
		
00:20:36 --> 00:20:39
			Number two, I can understand how it's hurting
		
00:20:39 --> 00:20:40
			you.
		
00:20:40 --> 00:20:41
			The pain is, you know, if I was
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:42
			in your place, I'll feel the same way.
		
00:20:43 --> 00:20:46
			And you know, say, look, I understand, you
		
00:20:46 --> 00:20:47
			know, Baba, I understand.
		
00:20:47 --> 00:20:49
			And then number three, talk.
		
00:20:49 --> 00:20:51
			Say, can I say a few words?
		
00:20:51 --> 00:20:52
			I'd like to say, talk.
		
00:20:53 --> 00:20:54
			This is on a deep level.
		
00:20:54 --> 00:20:56
			Wallahi, if you have this on a weekly
		
00:20:56 --> 00:20:58
			basis inshallah or whenever a problem happens, then
		
00:20:58 --> 00:21:01
			subhanallah, your relationship with your children will only
		
00:21:01 --> 00:21:03
			increase and they'll become better human beings, better
		
00:21:03 --> 00:21:04
			Muslims inshallah ta'ala.
		
00:21:05 --> 00:21:08
			Number five, give them some space as they
		
00:21:08 --> 00:21:09
			get older.
		
00:21:10 --> 00:21:11
			You know, you don't have to always hone
		
00:21:11 --> 00:21:13
			into them, walking onto their room.
		
00:21:13 --> 00:21:14
			Give them their privacy.
		
00:21:14 --> 00:21:15
			They have a right to their privacy.
		
00:21:16 --> 00:21:18
			Don't go to their phones without their permission,
		
00:21:18 --> 00:21:20
			for example, unless you have a really serious
		
00:21:20 --> 00:21:22
			concern, something that really is there.
		
00:21:23 --> 00:21:24
			That's a different story in order to protect
		
00:21:24 --> 00:21:25
			your children.
		
00:21:25 --> 00:21:27
			But other than that, let them feel that
		
00:21:27 --> 00:21:29
			they are, you know, I'll tell you something.
		
00:21:29 --> 00:21:31
			My brother and I, when we were about
		
00:21:31 --> 00:21:36
			18, 19 years old, I found out a
		
00:21:36 --> 00:21:37
			hack with my dad.
		
00:21:37 --> 00:21:39
			My dad had this curfew on us.
		
00:21:39 --> 00:21:42
			He said, you have to come home at
		
00:21:42 --> 00:21:44
			8.30 p.m. Now, that's pretty bad
		
00:21:44 --> 00:21:45
			because when you're out with your mates and
		
00:21:45 --> 00:21:47
			it's 8.30 p.m. and then you
		
00:21:47 --> 00:21:48
			go, oh, I've got to go home.
		
00:21:48 --> 00:21:50
			You're an 18, 19-year-old and your
		
00:21:50 --> 00:21:51
			mates are looking and thinking, are you all
		
00:21:51 --> 00:21:52
			right, mate?
		
00:21:52 --> 00:21:52
			You're still a baby?
		
00:21:53 --> 00:21:56
			And then, you know, it was quite sometimes
		
00:21:56 --> 00:21:56
			very hard.
		
00:21:57 --> 00:21:59
			So my brother and I would sort of
		
00:21:59 --> 00:22:01
			stay a little bit longer and in the
		
00:22:01 --> 00:22:02
			phone call, we didn't have mobiles at that
		
00:22:02 --> 00:22:04
			time, but that's why.
		
00:22:04 --> 00:22:04
			We got away with it.
		
00:22:05 --> 00:22:07
			And then the phone calls would go to,
		
00:22:07 --> 00:22:08
			like, different parents' houses.
		
00:22:09 --> 00:22:10
			And then when we got home, my brother
		
00:22:10 --> 00:22:12
			and I were coming through the window and
		
00:22:12 --> 00:22:13
			we'd try and tiptoe.
		
00:22:14 --> 00:22:15
			And then every time I remember, you know,
		
00:22:16 --> 00:22:18
			one time came at night and I said,
		
00:22:18 --> 00:22:19
			you go this way, I'll go that way.
		
00:22:19 --> 00:22:23
			And then in the darkness of the dark,
		
00:22:23 --> 00:22:24
			I hear my dad's voice.
		
00:22:26 --> 00:22:26
			Where were you?
		
00:22:28 --> 00:22:29
			And then we just freeze.
		
00:22:30 --> 00:22:31
			And then we start blaming each other.
		
00:22:32 --> 00:22:34
			But my father was very good with us.
		
00:22:34 --> 00:22:36
			He started explaining, look, it's okay, just keep
		
00:22:36 --> 00:22:38
			connecting because I fear for you, you know,
		
00:22:38 --> 00:22:39
			as you're going out, I need to feel
		
00:22:39 --> 00:22:40
			that you're responsible.
		
00:22:40 --> 00:22:41
			So I found a hack.
		
00:22:42 --> 00:22:45
			Every time I'd go out, I'd find the
		
00:22:45 --> 00:22:47
			phone, I'd call my parents and I'd say,
		
00:22:47 --> 00:22:49
			I'm here, I'm with these friends, we're just
		
00:22:49 --> 00:22:50
			having a good time.
		
00:22:50 --> 00:22:51
			Inshallah, we'll come back at this time.
		
00:22:51 --> 00:22:52
			And I would stick to it exactly.
		
00:22:53 --> 00:22:54
			Now my brother didn't do the same thing,
		
00:22:54 --> 00:22:55
			right?
		
00:22:55 --> 00:22:57
			So then as time went on, my father
		
00:22:57 --> 00:22:59
			started to trust me outside because I'm the
		
00:22:59 --> 00:23:00
			person who will keep them sort of, you
		
00:23:00 --> 00:23:02
			know, knowing where we are.
		
00:23:02 --> 00:23:03
			And then every time I went out or
		
00:23:03 --> 00:23:04
			my brother wanted to go out, my dad
		
00:23:04 --> 00:23:06
			would say, you go out with your brother.
		
00:23:06 --> 00:23:07
			You're not allowed to go out unless you're
		
00:23:07 --> 00:23:08
			with your brother.
		
00:23:08 --> 00:23:10
			So the idea is that you need to,
		
00:23:10 --> 00:23:12
			as you get older, you got to show
		
00:23:12 --> 00:23:14
			your parents that they can let go a
		
00:23:14 --> 00:23:16
			little bit as well and that they can
		
00:23:16 --> 00:23:17
			trust you.
		
00:23:17 --> 00:23:19
			So at the same time, parents, you let
		
00:23:19 --> 00:23:21
			go a little bit and let them try
		
00:23:21 --> 00:23:22
			the world by themselves.
		
00:23:23 --> 00:23:25
			Agree together with rules in the house.
		
00:23:26 --> 00:23:29
			And number seven, teach them what the boundaries
		
00:23:29 --> 00:23:30
			are under your roof.
		
00:23:30 --> 00:23:32
			I have a mother who once told me
		
00:23:32 --> 00:23:34
			that her son's taking drugs.
		
00:23:35 --> 00:23:37
			And every time she comes into the house,
		
00:23:37 --> 00:23:39
			he brings in the drugs, he's got siblings.
		
00:23:39 --> 00:23:41
			And I said to her, okay, what are
		
00:23:41 --> 00:23:41
			you doing about it?
		
00:23:41 --> 00:23:42
			She goes, I don't know what to do.
		
00:23:43 --> 00:23:44
			You know, the other day, the dad wants
		
00:23:44 --> 00:23:45
			to call the police.
		
00:23:45 --> 00:23:46
			I said, all right, have you tried this?
		
00:23:46 --> 00:23:47
			Have you tried that?
		
00:23:47 --> 00:23:48
			Have you tried speaking to organizations?
		
00:23:48 --> 00:23:49
			Have you tried speaking to friends?
		
00:23:49 --> 00:23:51
			Have you tried to place the rules?
		
00:23:51 --> 00:23:53
			She says, we've done all of that.
		
00:23:53 --> 00:23:55
			And now the son's doing it openly.
		
00:23:56 --> 00:23:57
			I said, all right.
		
00:23:57 --> 00:23:59
			In the end, after everything, I said, call
		
00:23:59 --> 00:24:00
			the police.
		
00:24:01 --> 00:24:03
			I said, but I can't put my son
		
00:24:03 --> 00:24:03
			into this.
		
00:24:03 --> 00:24:06
			I said, if you don't do that, your
		
00:24:06 --> 00:24:08
			son is going to either lose his life
		
00:24:09 --> 00:24:11
			or he's going to get his siblings onto
		
00:24:11 --> 00:24:15
			these drugs or something worse is going to
		
00:24:15 --> 00:24:15
			happen.
		
00:24:16 --> 00:24:17
			So she did that.
		
00:24:18 --> 00:24:21
			He ended up in prison for a little
		
00:24:21 --> 00:24:22
			while after a long time.
		
00:24:23 --> 00:24:24
			He came out.
		
00:24:24 --> 00:24:24
			They gave him rehab.
		
00:24:24 --> 00:24:28
			We attached him to Muslim brothers in an
		
00:24:28 --> 00:24:29
			organization, alhamdulillah.
		
00:24:30 --> 00:24:32
			And after all that help, got married, and
		
00:24:32 --> 00:24:33
			he settled his life, alhamdulillah.
		
00:24:34 --> 00:24:36
			Sometimes parents do have to take strict measures
		
00:24:36 --> 00:24:38
			under their roof and boundaries.
		
00:24:39 --> 00:24:41
			My brothers and sisters, I've only got a
		
00:24:41 --> 00:24:41
			bit more time.
		
00:24:41 --> 00:24:43
			So I want to talk now about what
		
00:24:43 --> 00:24:45
			does it mean to obey your parents?
		
00:24:45 --> 00:24:46
			And do you have to obey them in
		
00:24:46 --> 00:24:47
			everything?
		
00:24:47 --> 00:24:49
			Islam is a religion of balance.
		
00:24:49 --> 00:24:52
			It does not tell you to be a
		
00:24:52 --> 00:24:52
			robot.
		
00:24:52 --> 00:24:54
			It does not tell you that you have
		
00:24:54 --> 00:24:54
			no rights.
		
00:24:54 --> 00:24:55
			So here we go.
		
00:24:57 --> 00:25:02
			When are you not obliged to obey your
		
00:25:02 --> 00:25:02
			parents?
		
00:25:03 --> 00:25:05
			And parents should know this and children.
		
00:25:05 --> 00:25:07
			Number one, this is unanimous agreement among the
		
00:25:07 --> 00:25:07
			scholars.
		
00:25:07 --> 00:25:11
			Number one, when they tell you to do
		
00:25:11 --> 00:25:12
			something that is a sin.
		
00:25:13 --> 00:25:19
			They tell you to, for example, you know,
		
00:25:19 --> 00:25:23
			let's say you're driving and they say, actually
		
00:25:23 --> 00:25:25
			that's harm, a sin.
		
00:25:25 --> 00:25:27
			They say to you, for example, you're not
		
00:25:27 --> 00:25:28
			allowed to wear the hijab.
		
00:25:29 --> 00:25:29
			Don't wear the hijab.
		
00:25:30 --> 00:25:31
			You don't obey them in that.
		
00:25:31 --> 00:25:32
			They tell you don't pray.
		
00:25:32 --> 00:25:33
			You don't obey them in that.
		
00:25:33 --> 00:25:36
			They tell you, for example, you know, that
		
00:25:36 --> 00:25:37
			cousin of yours, we don't talk to them
		
00:25:37 --> 00:25:39
			because we don't talk to them.
		
00:25:39 --> 00:25:41
			You're not allowed to talk to them.
		
00:25:41 --> 00:25:43
			No, you don't have to obey them in
		
00:25:43 --> 00:25:43
			that.
		
00:25:44 --> 00:25:47
			But you remain being dutiful and respectful to
		
00:25:47 --> 00:25:48
			your parents.
		
00:25:48 --> 00:25:51
			But you still don't obey them.
		
00:25:51 --> 00:25:51
			Can you do that?
		
00:25:52 --> 00:25:57
			Can you disobey your parents while still being
		
00:25:57 --> 00:25:58
			respectful to them?
		
00:25:58 --> 00:25:59
			Yes, you can.
		
00:26:00 --> 00:26:00
			Yes, you can.
		
00:26:03 --> 00:26:03
			I know a brother.
		
00:26:04 --> 00:26:06
			He takes it like a sportsmanship style.
		
00:26:07 --> 00:26:08
			What do I mean by sportsmanship style?
		
00:26:09 --> 00:26:11
			Whenever his mom or dad get upset, he
		
00:26:11 --> 00:26:12
			gets up, he hugs them, he smiles, he
		
00:26:12 --> 00:26:13
			goes, Walla, I love you so much.
		
00:26:14 --> 00:26:15
			I'm not going to listen to that, but
		
00:26:15 --> 00:26:16
			I love you, mom and dad.
		
00:26:16 --> 00:26:17
			And you know what?
		
00:26:17 --> 00:26:17
			I'm going to do this.
		
00:26:18 --> 00:26:20
			The way he approaches his parents, always with
		
00:26:20 --> 00:26:23
			a smile, with this pampering, with his beautiful
		
00:26:23 --> 00:26:24
			words.
		
00:26:24 --> 00:26:26
			And if they do get really upset, he
		
00:26:26 --> 00:26:27
			does sit down and he says, look, I
		
00:26:27 --> 00:26:28
			know you're upset, mom and dad.
		
00:26:28 --> 00:26:29
			Walla, I love you so much.
		
00:26:29 --> 00:26:31
			I can't obey you this way because Allah
		
00:26:31 --> 00:26:32
			told me I have to see my cousin.
		
00:26:32 --> 00:26:35
			But then he comes back, gets him gifts,
		
00:26:36 --> 00:26:37
			and he just does not let them.
		
00:26:37 --> 00:26:39
			They can't get upset with him.
		
00:26:41 --> 00:26:42
			There's a way to approach.
		
00:26:42 --> 00:26:44
			And if you can master that, Wallahi, it
		
00:26:44 --> 00:26:45
			works, inshallah.
		
00:26:45 --> 00:26:49
			Number two, you don't have to obey your
		
00:26:49 --> 00:26:53
			parents if what they're asking you to do
		
00:26:53 --> 00:26:58
			has no benefit to themselves at all.
		
00:26:58 --> 00:27:01
			So there's no personal benefit to them personally.
		
00:27:02 --> 00:27:04
			They're just telling you either out of their
		
00:27:04 --> 00:27:07
			own whims or their desires, or sometimes it
		
00:27:07 --> 00:27:08
			can become control.
		
00:27:08 --> 00:27:10
			Or just because they want to give you
		
00:27:10 --> 00:27:11
			their opinion.
		
00:27:12 --> 00:27:13
			So it could be in a good way
		
00:27:13 --> 00:27:13
			as well.
		
00:27:14 --> 00:27:19
			Son, daughter, for example, don't go into that
		
00:27:19 --> 00:27:20
			course.
		
00:27:20 --> 00:27:21
			I don't want you to do an engineering
		
00:27:21 --> 00:27:21
			course.
		
00:27:21 --> 00:27:23
			You've got to do a medicine course.
		
00:27:23 --> 00:27:27
			You're not allowed to do a trades skill.
		
00:27:28 --> 00:27:29
			You have to go and do, for example,
		
00:27:29 --> 00:27:30
			accounting.
		
00:27:31 --> 00:27:32
			Or they come up to you and say,
		
00:27:32 --> 00:27:34
			okay, well, you're not allowed to marry this
		
00:27:34 --> 00:27:35
			person.
		
00:27:35 --> 00:27:36
			You must marry that person.
		
00:27:37 --> 00:27:38
			Over my dead body, it has to be
		
00:27:38 --> 00:27:39
			that person.
		
00:27:39 --> 00:27:40
			Both for daughters and sons, you are not
		
00:27:40 --> 00:27:44
			obliged to obey your parents in doing the
		
00:27:44 --> 00:27:46
			things which they are telling you to do,
		
00:27:46 --> 00:27:49
			which they personally don't have a benefit to
		
00:27:49 --> 00:27:51
			it, and it involves only you.
		
00:27:51 --> 00:27:54
			Now, with marrying someone or doing something else,
		
00:27:54 --> 00:27:57
			if there is harm that will come upon
		
00:27:57 --> 00:27:59
			your family or your parents, then you should
		
00:27:59 --> 00:28:00
			listen to them.
		
00:28:00 --> 00:28:02
			For example, if you're going to marry someone
		
00:28:02 --> 00:28:04
			who's going to cause harm to your parents,
		
00:28:04 --> 00:28:07
			such as in certain cultures overseas, maybe not
		
00:28:07 --> 00:28:10
			as much here, but certain cultures overseas, marrying
		
00:28:10 --> 00:28:15
			a certain person will bring a, what can
		
00:28:15 --> 00:28:19
			I say, a disgust or shame on the
		
00:28:19 --> 00:28:19
			parents.
		
00:28:19 --> 00:28:22
			For example, somebody's done terrible things and you
		
00:28:22 --> 00:28:24
			want to marry that person, and your parents
		
00:28:24 --> 00:28:26
			are going to be affected, your family's going
		
00:28:26 --> 00:28:27
			to be affected, then they have a right
		
00:28:27 --> 00:28:30
			to tell you, don't marry them because of
		
00:28:30 --> 00:28:30
			this.
		
00:28:30 --> 00:28:33
			But other than that, they're not allowed to
		
00:28:33 --> 00:28:36
			force you to marry someone whom you do
		
00:28:36 --> 00:28:36
			not want to marry.
		
00:28:37 --> 00:28:38
			This is haram, and it's a major sin
		
00:28:38 --> 00:28:39
			to force them to do that.
		
00:28:40 --> 00:28:42
			Number three, you don't have to obey your
		
00:28:42 --> 00:28:45
			parents if it's going to harm you, if
		
00:28:45 --> 00:28:47
			it's going to be dangerous or harmful to
		
00:28:47 --> 00:28:47
			you.
		
00:28:47 --> 00:28:49
			For example, you're driving and your father's with
		
00:28:49 --> 00:28:51
			you, and he says to you, just cross
		
00:28:51 --> 00:28:52
			the red light.
		
00:28:53 --> 00:28:56
			Drive at 140 k's, for example.
		
00:28:56 --> 00:28:57
			And you know this is dangerous, so you're
		
00:28:57 --> 00:28:58
			probably going to get a ticket, you're probably
		
00:28:58 --> 00:29:00
			going to get the police after you, for
		
00:29:00 --> 00:29:00
			example.
		
00:29:00 --> 00:29:04
			Or they tell you, for example, something's going
		
00:29:04 --> 00:29:05
			to harm you, your money.
		
00:29:06 --> 00:29:09
			They say to you, you must take out
		
00:29:09 --> 00:29:11
			of your money and give it to your
		
00:29:11 --> 00:29:13
			siblings, or to your cousin, and so on.
		
00:29:13 --> 00:29:16
			And as a result, you're going to be
		
00:29:16 --> 00:29:17
			in hardship, financial hardship.
		
00:29:17 --> 00:29:18
			You're not going to be able to pay
		
00:29:18 --> 00:29:19
			bills, for example.
		
00:29:19 --> 00:29:20
			You're not going to be able to pay
		
00:29:20 --> 00:29:20
			for your courses.
		
00:29:21 --> 00:29:23
			If you're going to be harmed financially, you
		
00:29:23 --> 00:29:24
			don't have to obey your parents in doing
		
00:29:24 --> 00:29:24
			that.
		
00:29:26 --> 00:29:29
			Another way that it's harmful is when a
		
00:29:29 --> 00:29:33
			parent asks their married son or daughter to
		
00:29:33 --> 00:29:36
			go and sort of oblige the spouse, for
		
00:29:36 --> 00:29:40
			example, obliges the son's wife to spend on
		
00:29:40 --> 00:29:41
			her in-laws.
		
00:29:42 --> 00:29:44
			That's not right, that's taking away the rights
		
00:29:44 --> 00:29:45
			of other people.
		
00:29:46 --> 00:29:48
			Or they oblige the daughter that if you
		
00:29:48 --> 00:29:50
			marry this person, this person has to also
		
00:29:50 --> 00:29:52
			spend on your parents.
		
00:29:52 --> 00:29:55
			These are examples where in Islam, it is
		
00:29:55 --> 00:29:58
			actually forbidden, even from the parents to do
		
00:29:58 --> 00:30:01
			so, because this is taking away the rights
		
00:30:01 --> 00:30:03
			of other people whom Allah subhanahu wa ta
		
00:30:03 --> 00:30:03
			'ala had given.
		
00:30:04 --> 00:30:06
			Which brings me to the topic of money
		
00:30:06 --> 00:30:07
			and property.
		
00:30:09 --> 00:30:12
			Someone asked me the question, must you spend
		
00:30:12 --> 00:30:13
			on your parents?
		
00:30:14 --> 00:30:16
			The answer to that is number one.
		
00:30:17 --> 00:30:21
			If they are in financial need and their
		
00:30:21 --> 00:30:23
			money is not enough for their basic livelihood,
		
00:30:24 --> 00:30:27
			then yes, you must spend on them enough
		
00:30:27 --> 00:30:28
			for their livelihood.
		
00:30:29 --> 00:30:32
			But this is only upon the son, the
		
00:30:32 --> 00:30:35
			boys, not the girls, not the daughters.
		
00:30:35 --> 00:30:37
			If the daughters do spend, it is out
		
00:30:37 --> 00:30:40
			of their own goodwill, it is considered a
		
00:30:40 --> 00:30:41
			sadaqah.
		
00:30:41 --> 00:30:44
			Number two, if the parents are not in
		
00:30:44 --> 00:30:49
			need of financial help, then no, you are
		
00:30:49 --> 00:30:50
			not obliged to spend on them.
		
00:30:51 --> 00:30:52
			For example, one father said to his son,
		
00:30:53 --> 00:30:55
			got his children and said, every month you
		
00:30:55 --> 00:30:56
			have to give me an allowance.
		
00:30:57 --> 00:30:59
			Even though the father had his own income,
		
00:30:59 --> 00:31:01
			he had his own properties, he's got money,
		
00:31:01 --> 00:31:02
			and then you get these children and say,
		
00:31:02 --> 00:31:03
			you've got to give me an allowance.
		
00:31:04 --> 00:31:08
			Islamically, it is not an obligation to do
		
00:31:08 --> 00:31:08
			so.
		
00:31:09 --> 00:31:12
			If you have enough, give your father, give
		
00:31:12 --> 00:31:13
			your mother out of goodness, out of love,
		
00:31:14 --> 00:31:14
			out of compassion.
		
00:31:15 --> 00:31:17
			But to force them and to make it
		
00:31:17 --> 00:31:19
			a thing in Islam where you are in
		
00:31:19 --> 00:31:21
			sin if you don't do that, that is
		
00:31:21 --> 00:31:21
			not true.
		
00:31:22 --> 00:31:24
			But of course, brothers and sisters, we don't
		
00:31:24 --> 00:31:26
			do it out of harshness, we do it
		
00:31:26 --> 00:31:26
			out of love.
		
00:31:27 --> 00:31:28
			No matter how much you can help your
		
00:31:28 --> 00:31:29
			parents, you help them.
		
00:31:29 --> 00:31:31
			But what I'm talking about is that parents
		
00:31:31 --> 00:31:33
			using these laws to make it like as
		
00:31:33 --> 00:31:34
			if we're right on their neck.
		
00:31:35 --> 00:31:37
			As if it's like, it's as if I'm
		
00:31:37 --> 00:31:39
			putting my child in a position of proving
		
00:31:39 --> 00:31:40
			his loyalty to me.
		
00:31:41 --> 00:31:42
			Let me see your loyalty.
		
00:31:42 --> 00:31:44
			Will you give me this much every month?
		
00:31:44 --> 00:31:44
			That's not right.
		
00:31:46 --> 00:31:51
			There is a hadith which some people have
		
00:31:51 --> 00:31:51
			mentioned to me.
		
00:31:52 --> 00:31:53
			They say, didn't the Prophet, peace be upon
		
00:31:53 --> 00:31:58
			him, say, You and your wealth is for
		
00:31:58 --> 00:31:59
			your father.
		
00:32:00 --> 00:32:02
			There is a long hadith about that.
		
00:32:03 --> 00:32:04
			The hadith is authentic.
		
00:32:04 --> 00:32:07
			However, this is where fiqh, jurisprudence comes in.
		
00:32:07 --> 00:32:09
			Try to understand what the Prophet, peace be
		
00:32:09 --> 00:32:10
			upon him, is saying.
		
00:32:10 --> 00:32:12
			The meaning of this hadith is, you and
		
00:32:12 --> 00:32:14
			your wealth is for your father.
		
00:32:14 --> 00:32:16
			Meaning, this was in relation to a man
		
00:32:16 --> 00:32:18
			who said, Ya Rasulullah, my father, he wants
		
00:32:18 --> 00:32:20
			to take my money, he wants to use
		
00:32:20 --> 00:32:20
			it.
		
00:32:20 --> 00:32:23
			He said, you and your money is for
		
00:32:23 --> 00:32:23
			your father.
		
00:32:23 --> 00:32:27
			Meaning, your father is allowed to use your
		
00:32:27 --> 00:32:29
			money if he is in need of it.
		
00:32:29 --> 00:32:30
			Where did I get this?
		
00:32:30 --> 00:32:31
			From another hadith.
		
00:32:31 --> 00:32:34
			You see, Islam explains itself from different angles.
		
00:32:34 --> 00:32:35
			You can't just take one hadith and go
		
00:32:35 --> 00:32:35
			with it.
		
00:32:36 --> 00:32:37
			You got to take other areas and other
		
00:32:37 --> 00:32:38
			ayat.
		
00:32:39 --> 00:32:41
			Aisha radiallahu anhu narrates another hadith, which is
		
00:32:41 --> 00:32:41
			in Ibn Habban.
		
00:32:43 --> 00:32:44
			That the Prophet, peace be upon him, said,
		
00:32:45 --> 00:32:48
			If the parents are in need of financial
		
00:32:48 --> 00:32:51
			help, they are allowed to take from their
		
00:32:51 --> 00:32:51
			son's money.
		
00:32:52 --> 00:32:53
			And if they don't have a son, from
		
00:32:53 --> 00:32:54
			their daughter's money.
		
00:32:55 --> 00:32:56
			Their needs.
		
00:32:56 --> 00:32:58
			For example, a father needs to pay a
		
00:32:58 --> 00:32:58
			bill.
		
00:32:58 --> 00:32:59
			He doesn't have any money to pay the
		
00:32:59 --> 00:33:00
			bill for his electricity.
		
00:33:00 --> 00:33:01
			He needs food.
		
00:33:01 --> 00:33:02
			Your mother needs food.
		
00:33:02 --> 00:33:03
			They haven't got enough.
		
00:33:03 --> 00:33:04
			What do you do?
		
00:33:04 --> 00:33:06
			They are allowed to take from that money.
		
00:33:06 --> 00:33:08
			Otherwise, it's not literal.
		
00:33:09 --> 00:33:11
			Your parents don't literally own you and your
		
00:33:11 --> 00:33:11
			wealth.
		
00:33:11 --> 00:33:13
			Otherwise, they will inherit everything.
		
00:33:13 --> 00:33:16
			As soon as you die, we can say,
		
00:33:16 --> 00:33:17
			Well, if your father is still alive, he
		
00:33:17 --> 00:33:18
			will take all of your inheritance.
		
00:33:19 --> 00:33:19
			But that's not true.
		
00:33:19 --> 00:33:21
			Because in the Qur'an, inheritance has to
		
00:33:21 --> 00:33:21
			be divided.
		
00:33:23 --> 00:33:24
			The mother gets a share.
		
00:33:24 --> 00:33:25
			The wife gets a share.
		
00:33:25 --> 00:33:26
			The children get a share.
		
00:33:26 --> 00:33:27
			The grandparents get a share.
		
00:33:28 --> 00:33:31
			Had this hadith meant that our fathers own
		
00:33:31 --> 00:33:33
			us and our wealth, They will inherit everything.
		
00:33:33 --> 00:33:34
			But Allah did not make it that way.
		
00:33:35 --> 00:33:36
			And of course, this is what it means,
		
00:33:36 --> 00:33:37
			insha'Allah ta'ala.
		
00:33:44 --> 00:33:46
			So, I finish with this and then conclude,
		
00:33:47 --> 00:33:47
			insha'Allah.
		
00:33:49 --> 00:33:53
			A father or a mother can request money
		
00:33:53 --> 00:33:54
			from their children.
		
00:33:55 --> 00:33:56
			And their children must give them.
		
00:33:57 --> 00:34:00
			Otherwise, they are in major sin on four
		
00:34:00 --> 00:34:00
			conditions.
		
00:34:01 --> 00:34:03
			If these four conditions are met, then you
		
00:34:03 --> 00:34:04
			are obliged to help your parents.
		
00:34:04 --> 00:34:05
			Number one.
		
00:34:06 --> 00:34:11
			If it's not going to cause harm on
		
00:34:11 --> 00:34:14
			the child, Then that's the first condition.
		
00:34:14 --> 00:34:16
			A parent can request money.
		
00:34:17 --> 00:34:17
			Number two.
		
00:34:18 --> 00:34:20
			The son does not need it for his
		
00:34:20 --> 00:34:20
			livelihood.
		
00:34:21 --> 00:34:23
			So, for example, a father can't come along
		
00:34:23 --> 00:34:26
			and say, That car that you have to
		
00:34:26 --> 00:34:28
			go to work in, You can't drive it
		
00:34:28 --> 00:34:29
			anymore.
		
00:34:29 --> 00:34:30
			You can go take the bus.
		
00:34:30 --> 00:34:31
			Or you can walk to work.
		
00:34:31 --> 00:34:32
			I'm going to keep driving it.
		
00:34:32 --> 00:34:33
			You're not allowed to do that.
		
00:34:34 --> 00:34:35
			So, if it's not going to cause, it's
		
00:34:35 --> 00:34:36
			not the livelihood of a child.
		
00:34:37 --> 00:34:37
			Number three.
		
00:34:38 --> 00:34:39
			If they say to you, I want your
		
00:34:39 --> 00:34:41
			money to give it to your siblings.
		
00:34:42 --> 00:34:42
			No.
		
00:34:43 --> 00:34:46
			This will cause enmity and hatred between the
		
00:34:46 --> 00:34:46
			siblings.
		
00:34:46 --> 00:34:48
			So, a parent cannot force the child to
		
00:34:48 --> 00:34:50
			say, Give me your money to give it
		
00:34:50 --> 00:34:50
			to your siblings.
		
00:34:50 --> 00:34:52
			Unless one of your siblings is truly in
		
00:34:52 --> 00:34:52
			need.
		
00:34:52 --> 00:34:53
			They've got a surgery.
		
00:34:53 --> 00:34:54
			They've got a heart problem.
		
00:34:54 --> 00:34:56
			They haven't got enough money.
		
00:34:56 --> 00:34:57
			Then they can come up to you.
		
00:34:57 --> 00:34:59
			And if you have surplus wealth to help
		
00:34:59 --> 00:35:01
			your sibling, Then you must obey your parents.
		
00:35:02 --> 00:35:02
			Number four.
		
00:35:02 --> 00:35:04
			The parent is in need of it for
		
00:35:04 --> 00:35:06
			his or her livelihood.
		
00:35:06 --> 00:35:08
			So, these are the four conditions where we
		
00:35:08 --> 00:35:10
			must obey our parents If these four conditions
		
00:35:10 --> 00:35:11
			are met.
		
00:35:13 --> 00:35:17
			Imam Malik said that one man came to
		
00:35:17 --> 00:35:18
			him and he was married.
		
00:35:18 --> 00:35:21
			And he said, Ya Imam, my mother, she
		
00:35:21 --> 00:35:21
			watches me.
		
00:35:22 --> 00:35:24
			Every time I have an income and every
		
00:35:24 --> 00:35:25
			time I get a gift.
		
00:35:25 --> 00:35:26
			I have a wife.
		
00:35:26 --> 00:35:26
			I have children.
		
00:35:27 --> 00:35:29
			She says to me, You must go and
		
00:35:29 --> 00:35:30
			give your sister a share first.
		
00:35:30 --> 00:35:31
			Before you give your wife.
		
00:35:32 --> 00:35:32
			Before you give your children.
		
00:35:33 --> 00:35:33
			Before you give anybody.
		
00:35:34 --> 00:35:36
			Every time she does this to me, Imam.
		
00:35:36 --> 00:35:37
			And I don't want to disobey my mother
		
00:35:37 --> 00:35:38
			and get the wrath of Allah.
		
00:35:39 --> 00:35:42
			Imam Malik said to him, Be kind and
		
00:35:42 --> 00:35:43
			sensitive to your mother's feelings.
		
00:35:44 --> 00:35:46
			At the same time, you are not obliged
		
00:35:46 --> 00:35:47
			to obey her.
		
00:35:48 --> 00:35:50
			Because the Prophet, peace be upon him, said
		
00:35:50 --> 00:35:53
			that your wife and your children Are the
		
00:35:53 --> 00:35:56
			first in line of financial provision.
		
00:35:56 --> 00:35:56
			Why?
		
00:35:57 --> 00:35:58
			Because the wife has no one else but
		
00:35:58 --> 00:35:58
			her husband.
		
00:35:59 --> 00:36:01
			In Islam, the husband has to provide his
		
00:36:01 --> 00:36:01
			wife.
		
00:36:01 --> 00:36:01
			Number two.
		
00:36:02 --> 00:36:03
			The children don't have anyone but their mom
		
00:36:03 --> 00:36:03
			and dad.
		
00:36:04 --> 00:36:05
			As for the parents.
		
00:36:05 --> 00:36:06
			Yes, they have the son.
		
00:36:06 --> 00:36:07
			But they may have other children.
		
00:36:08 --> 00:36:09
			And they also may have their spouse.
		
00:36:09 --> 00:36:11
			And they have other people, inshallah, who can
		
00:36:11 --> 00:36:11
			help them.
		
00:36:11 --> 00:36:13
			So, the children, it's a balance.
		
00:36:14 --> 00:36:16
			Everybody has their right.
		
00:36:16 --> 00:36:17
			But at the same time, brothers and sisters,
		
00:36:18 --> 00:36:18
			let me tell you something.
		
00:36:19 --> 00:36:20
			Let me tell you something.
		
00:36:20 --> 00:36:21
			Let me tell you something.
		
00:36:22 --> 00:36:23
			Brothers and sisters.
		
00:36:24 --> 00:36:26
			Your parents, no matter what happens.
		
00:36:26 --> 00:36:28
			Even if they are harsh.
		
00:36:28 --> 00:36:30
			Even if they are, you know.
		
00:36:30 --> 00:36:32
			The way they talk to you or degrade
		
00:36:32 --> 00:36:33
			you or anything like that.
		
00:36:34 --> 00:36:35
			I want you to remember this.
		
00:36:36 --> 00:36:37
			Number one.
		
00:36:37 --> 00:36:39
			Make dua for them.
		
00:36:39 --> 00:36:43
			Say, O Allah, in your prayer, guide them
		
00:36:43 --> 00:36:44
			and forgive them.
		
00:36:45 --> 00:36:47
			If Allah guides them and forgives them, you
		
00:36:47 --> 00:36:48
			will have a better life.
		
00:36:48 --> 00:36:50
			So, ask Allah to guide them the way
		
00:36:50 --> 00:36:52
			Ibrahim A.S. said, O Allah, guide my
		
00:36:52 --> 00:36:53
			father.
		
00:36:53 --> 00:36:54
			Number two.
		
00:36:55 --> 00:36:58
			If parents, your children are going astray.
		
00:36:59 --> 00:37:00
			Make dua for them.
		
00:37:00 --> 00:37:03
			For Nuh A.S. did not give up
		
00:37:03 --> 00:37:04
			on his son.
		
00:37:04 --> 00:37:06
			Even when he became a disbeliever, he was
		
00:37:06 --> 00:37:07
			on the ark.
		
00:37:07 --> 00:37:09
			And he kept on telling him, come on
		
00:37:09 --> 00:37:10
			board the ark, my son.
		
00:37:10 --> 00:37:12
			Until the waves came and took his son
		
00:37:12 --> 00:37:12
			away.
		
00:37:13 --> 00:37:15
			Don't give up on your children no matter
		
00:37:15 --> 00:37:15
			what.
		
00:37:16 --> 00:37:17
			Number three.
		
00:37:17 --> 00:37:18
			Brothers and sisters.
		
00:37:19 --> 00:37:21
			If you are experiencing a very tough time
		
00:37:21 --> 00:37:24
			with your parents or with your children.
		
00:37:24 --> 00:37:24
			Number two.
		
00:37:25 --> 00:37:27
			The idea is, try your best to stay
		
00:37:27 --> 00:37:30
			calm in the time of conflict.
		
00:37:31 --> 00:37:32
			Do some breathing exercises.
		
00:37:32 --> 00:37:33
			Walk away.
		
00:37:33 --> 00:37:34
			Get yourself used to it.
		
00:37:34 --> 00:37:36
			Because if you argue back and back and
		
00:37:36 --> 00:37:37
			forth, it's not going to work.
		
00:37:37 --> 00:37:38
			Number two.
		
00:37:38 --> 00:37:40
			Accept the situation.
		
00:37:40 --> 00:37:43
			Say to yourself, look, I can't change my
		
00:37:43 --> 00:37:43
			parents.
		
00:37:44 --> 00:37:45
			Or if your child is like that, at
		
00:37:45 --> 00:37:46
			the end you can say, I can't change
		
00:37:46 --> 00:37:47
			my child.
		
00:37:47 --> 00:37:49
			But work with what you can work with
		
00:37:49 --> 00:37:50
			them.
		
00:37:50 --> 00:37:51
			Avoid the harm.
		
00:37:51 --> 00:37:53
			Work with them in the way that you
		
00:37:53 --> 00:37:53
			connect.
		
00:37:53 --> 00:37:54
			Number three.
		
00:37:54 --> 00:37:56
			Don't retaliate, as I said to you before.
		
00:37:56 --> 00:37:57
			Number four.
		
00:37:57 --> 00:37:59
			Look for your future as a hope.
		
00:38:00 --> 00:38:01
			Alhamdulillah, you got your whole life ahead of
		
00:38:01 --> 00:38:01
			you.
		
00:38:01 --> 00:38:03
			And Allah SWT is going to, you know,
		
00:38:04 --> 00:38:05
			let you move on.
		
00:38:05 --> 00:38:06
			Number five.
		
00:38:06 --> 00:38:07
			Make dua, as I said.
		
00:38:07 --> 00:38:08
			Number six.
		
00:38:08 --> 00:38:10
			Talk to someone that you trust.
		
00:38:10 --> 00:38:11
			Don't just isolate yourself.
		
00:38:12 --> 00:38:14
			Some people, they say, I'm either, you know,
		
00:38:14 --> 00:38:16
			they talk about cutting off.
		
00:38:16 --> 00:38:19
			They say, I'm going to abandon my parents.
		
00:38:19 --> 00:38:20
			I'm going to abandon my children.
		
00:38:20 --> 00:38:22
			I'm going to abandon my relatives.
		
00:38:22 --> 00:38:23
			Habibi, you don't have to abandon everything.
		
00:38:24 --> 00:38:26
			Keep a little string of hair between you
		
00:38:26 --> 00:38:26
			and that person.
		
00:38:26 --> 00:38:28
			Don't cut them off completely.
		
00:38:28 --> 00:38:30
			Because then you never know what Allah SWT
		
00:38:30 --> 00:38:30
			will change.
		
00:38:32 --> 00:38:32
			And number seven.
		
00:38:33 --> 00:38:34
			Look after yourself.
		
00:38:34 --> 00:38:37
			You know, distract yourself and make yourself busy
		
00:38:37 --> 00:38:37
			with your other hobbies.
		
00:38:38 --> 00:38:39
			Looking after your health.
		
00:38:39 --> 00:38:42
			Allah SWT always puts us through tests.
		
00:38:42 --> 00:38:43
			And sometimes through hardships.
		
00:38:44 --> 00:38:45
			So that we may learn from them.
		
00:38:45 --> 00:38:46
			Or grow from them.
		
00:38:47 --> 00:38:48
			Or because Allah is going to direct us
		
00:38:48 --> 00:38:49
			in the right place.
		
00:38:50 --> 00:38:52
			Or Allah SWT has a plan for us.
		
00:38:52 --> 00:38:53
			My brothers and sisters.
		
00:38:53 --> 00:38:57
			In this life, there is no eternal rest
		
00:38:57 --> 00:38:58
			and happiness.
		
00:38:58 --> 00:38:59
			Sometimes happiness.
		
00:39:00 --> 00:39:00
			Sometimes sadness.
		
00:39:01 --> 00:39:01
			Sometimes hard times.
		
00:39:02 --> 00:39:03
			Sometimes easy times.
		
00:39:03 --> 00:39:04
			My brothers and sisters, this world is a
		
00:39:04 --> 00:39:05
			test.
		
00:39:05 --> 00:39:06
			And until we realize that it is a
		
00:39:06 --> 00:39:07
			test.
		
00:39:07 --> 00:39:08
			Then we're not going to be able to
		
00:39:08 --> 00:39:11
			live a life with peace in our hearts.
		
00:39:11 --> 00:39:13
			And I finish with this beautiful story of
		
00:39:13 --> 00:39:15
			an imam who I used to follow when
		
00:39:15 --> 00:39:15
			I was a child.
		
00:39:16 --> 00:39:17
			He passed away.
		
00:39:18 --> 00:39:19
			I'll say his name.
		
00:39:19 --> 00:39:20
			You won't know his name.
		
00:39:21 --> 00:39:22
			He's from Kuwait.
		
00:39:22 --> 00:39:24
			Which I grew up as a child listening
		
00:39:24 --> 00:39:25
			to him.
		
00:39:25 --> 00:39:27
			He had a father who was, I think
		
00:39:27 --> 00:39:29
			he described him as more of a communist.
		
00:39:30 --> 00:39:32
			And he didn't really believe in God except,
		
00:39:32 --> 00:39:34
			you know, very, I don't know, some weird
		
00:39:34 --> 00:39:34
			belief.
		
00:39:35 --> 00:39:36
			And his father became debilitated.
		
00:39:37 --> 00:39:40
			So he became so debilitated that he had
		
00:39:40 --> 00:39:41
			to stay in his bed.
		
00:39:41 --> 00:39:42
			And if he has to go to the
		
00:39:42 --> 00:39:43
			toilet, he has to do it in his
		
00:39:43 --> 00:39:44
			bed.
		
00:39:44 --> 00:39:48
			So this child, sheikh, he became religious and
		
00:39:48 --> 00:39:48
			he became an imam.
		
00:39:48 --> 00:39:51
			And the father was extremely harsh to him.
		
00:39:51 --> 00:39:53
			He used to swear at him, degrade him,
		
00:39:54 --> 00:39:55
			talk badly about him.
		
00:39:55 --> 00:39:57
			He would swear at his religion.
		
00:39:57 --> 00:39:59
			He would swear at his, you know, every
		
00:39:59 --> 00:40:01
			time he read the Quran, he would put
		
00:40:01 --> 00:40:02
			him down in every way, shape or form.
		
00:40:02 --> 00:40:04
			He said, father, please don't say that.
		
00:40:04 --> 00:40:05
			But his father wouldn't listen.
		
00:40:05 --> 00:40:07
			So what did the sheikh do?
		
00:40:07 --> 00:40:10
			He said, I continued my journey that Allah
		
00:40:10 --> 00:40:11
			is pleased with me.
		
00:40:11 --> 00:40:13
			And I did my duty as a son
		
00:40:13 --> 00:40:13
			for my father.
		
00:40:13 --> 00:40:15
			And if I was harmed, I would just
		
00:40:15 --> 00:40:17
			avoid the harm as much as I can.
		
00:40:17 --> 00:40:19
			He said, I made a hole under his
		
00:40:19 --> 00:40:19
			bed.
		
00:40:19 --> 00:40:21
			And we have to have a bucket in
		
00:40:21 --> 00:40:24
			there where he used to, you know, relieve
		
00:40:24 --> 00:40:26
			himself because his bowels weren't working.
		
00:40:26 --> 00:40:27
			He didn't have control over them.
		
00:40:27 --> 00:40:29
			He said, one day, the bucket, I was
		
00:40:29 --> 00:40:30
			cleaning it.
		
00:40:30 --> 00:40:32
			And, you know, it was somewhere.
		
00:40:32 --> 00:40:34
			And then my father was needed to relieve
		
00:40:34 --> 00:40:35
			himself.
		
00:40:35 --> 00:40:37
			So then I put my hands under it,
		
00:40:37 --> 00:40:38
			under him.
		
00:40:39 --> 00:40:41
			And everything inside him came into my hands.
		
00:40:42 --> 00:40:43
			And I didn't complain.
		
00:40:44 --> 00:40:45
			I took it and I washed my hands.
		
00:40:45 --> 00:40:48
			And my father, for the first time, looked
		
00:40:48 --> 00:40:50
			at me and he got teary.
		
00:40:51 --> 00:40:53
			He says, son, I've been degrading you, putting
		
00:40:53 --> 00:40:55
			you down all your life.
		
00:40:56 --> 00:40:57
			And you would do this?
		
00:40:58 --> 00:40:58
			Why?
		
00:40:59 --> 00:41:00
			Why would you do that?
		
00:41:01 --> 00:41:03
			And he said, it is Islam, my dad.
		
00:41:04 --> 00:41:06
			I only want to please Allah, dad.
		
00:41:07 --> 00:41:08
			I want to enter paradise, father.
		
00:41:09 --> 00:41:11
			And you are the way that Allah has
		
00:41:11 --> 00:41:13
			given me as a test through it.
		
00:41:13 --> 00:41:15
			Because of that, his father repented.
		
00:41:16 --> 00:41:19
			And he died a believer, knowing what Islam
		
00:41:19 --> 00:41:20
			teaches you.
		
00:41:22 --> 00:41:24
			Now, this is a story that is personal
		
00:41:24 --> 00:41:24
			to me.
		
00:41:25 --> 00:41:27
			But I want to share it with you
		
00:41:27 --> 00:41:28
			to tell you, brothers and sisters.
		
00:41:28 --> 00:41:32
			Please don't give up because you're going through
		
00:41:32 --> 00:41:33
			certain hardships.
		
00:41:33 --> 00:41:35
			I gave you a few ways to deal
		
00:41:35 --> 00:41:36
			with it, inshallah.
		
00:41:37 --> 00:41:40
			And there is always light at the end
		
00:41:40 --> 00:41:40
			of the tunnel.
		
00:41:40 --> 00:41:41
			Seek support.
		
00:41:42 --> 00:41:43
			Seek help.
		
00:41:43 --> 00:41:44
			If it's too much for you, you can
		
00:41:44 --> 00:41:45
			distance yourself.
		
00:41:45 --> 00:41:47
			But don't go all the way.
		
00:41:47 --> 00:41:50
			Because wallahi, it's miserable when a person feels
		
00:41:50 --> 00:41:51
			that they're just alone in this world.
		
00:41:51 --> 00:41:54
			With no relatives, no cousins, no family.
		
00:41:55 --> 00:41:57
			And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala ease
		
00:41:57 --> 00:41:59
			the pain and struggles of any of you
		
00:41:59 --> 00:42:00
			here and around the world.
		
00:42:00 --> 00:42:01
			Who's going through any kind of problems like
		
00:42:01 --> 00:42:02
			this in the family.
		
00:42:02 --> 00:42:06
			Because the family is the most important element
		
00:42:06 --> 00:42:06
			of our life.
		
00:42:06 --> 00:42:08
			And it is the most important.
		
00:42:09 --> 00:42:13
			It's the most hurtful place for ourselves.
		
00:42:13 --> 00:42:15
			So, I ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
		
00:42:15 --> 00:42:17
			to ease your struggles and ours.
		
00:42:18 --> 00:42:19
			And to ease the struggles of our brothers
		
00:42:19 --> 00:42:20
			and sisters around the world.
		
00:42:21 --> 00:42:22
			May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala lift the
		
00:42:22 --> 00:42:24
			atrocities of our brothers and sisters in Gaza,
		
00:42:24 --> 00:42:26
			Palestine, and everywhere around the world.
		
00:42:26 --> 00:42:27
			May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala help our
		
00:42:27 --> 00:42:30
			brothers and sisters in Myanmar who are still
		
00:42:30 --> 00:42:33
			going through persecution at the moment.
		
00:42:33 --> 00:42:35
			May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala assist and
		
00:42:35 --> 00:42:38
			support and raise the ranks and the peace
		
00:42:38 --> 00:42:40
			of our brothers and sisters of Syria.
		
00:42:40 --> 00:42:42
			May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you
		
00:42:42 --> 00:42:42
			all.
		
00:42:42 --> 00:42:43
			Thank you.
		
00:42:43 --> 00:42:44
			Jazakum Allah khair.
		
00:42:44 --> 00:42:46
			Wassalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.