Home Sweet Home #1 Raising Children
Channel: Bilal Assad
File Size: 55.90MB
We're talking about the family system in Islam. And we want to talk about the relationships, the rights and the boundaries between each other because many people have asked so many questions about relationships and families rights and boundaries and honestly brothers and sisters, the entire community is based on the family unit. And the family unit is made up of members. And if those members do not have a healthy relationship, a family does not have a healthy relationship. It affects the entire society, the entire community. And it causes problems, mental problems, issues in our youngsters who are growing up, people end up with terrible dysfunctional families that have a
ripple effect throughout generations. Experts say If a family is dysfunctional, it has an effect on the fourth generation before something can be changed. And Allah says in the Quran in surah Toluca have, describing those orphans in one of the stories and orphans. That's a long story. But Allah talks about their great great great grandfather, the ODMs say that though he was the seventh generation grandfather and he was a righteous man, that also righteousness and a healthy family unit has a ripple effect. Generations down Seventh Generation down.
The family, brothers and sisters has a huge emphasis in Islam. And it is something which Allah subhanho wa Taala called in the Quran.
The following word, he called it a regime, a regime. And the word or Rahim literally means the womb. The reason why it's called the womb is because in Islam, a family is defined as those who directly and indirectly share a common womb, which is the mother. So those who are connected to that womb. Also the womb is called Rahim, because of Allah's name, or Rahman, there is one Hadith I'm not sure if it's authenticity, that Allah subhanaw taala named Rahim after his name, or ramen. Nevertheless, the word or Rahim comes from the root word, mercy, compassion, kindness.
Allah says in surah raod verse 21, when venial sin and
long will be he he also now I am showing out on bail him while Hall foon wire for foon Su and he's.
So Allah says, Those who joined together the ties which Allah has bidden to be joined, who fear their Lord and dread less they are subjected to severe reckoning, meaning that they fear the judgment of ALLAH SubhanA wa taala. If they cut off the ties of kinship, which ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala had ordered them to connect.
in Sahih Muslim, it is narrated that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said
the Rahim which means the family ties, there is something called behind the origin which Allah created, which connects families together. He said a Rahim family relations is connected to the Throne of Allah subhanahu wata isla. And it says, Who and it says, Whoever connects me, Allah will connect them to Himself. And whoever cuts me off, Allah will cut them off from himself.
In another Hadith also, which is in Bukhari and Muslim,
that Allah subhanho wa Taala created the creation.
And when he completed the creation, that to him, he also created the family ties that our home said, Oh my Lord, this position you have given me is extremely sensitive,
and important and grant very sensitive.
And I fear that people are going to rip me apart.
And Allah said to the Rahim Yes. How about if I please you with this, that whoever connects you, I connect to me, and whoever cuts you apart, I will cut them from my relationship from me.
Then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam recited the verse for her life saying you tune in
to see do
you want to call
there, oh Hannah Khun guna
you can see in
in sort of Mohammed verse 22 and 23, Allah says, now if you and this is directed to the hypocrites at the time of the Prophet peace be upon him. Now a few hypocrites turn away, perhaps you would then spread corruption throughout the land and sever your ties of kinship. These are the ones who Allah has condemned, deafening them and blinding their eyes. Brothers and sisters, when we cut off our family ties, everybody feels it, the children feel it, the grandchildren feel it, the siblings feel it, the mothers and fathers feel it, everyone is connected to them, they feel it
and a person becomes lost. They suffer mental illnesses, they start to go into traumatic experiences in life, and then it spills onto their own relationships later on, their relationships start to get cut off why because it has a detrimental effect your identity, which Allah created you in with your mother and father and your siblings and who you are is the strongest identity you have in this world. And if we rip that apart, and don't look after it
then we destroy our inner selves our identity as it is.
the stronger the relationship we have with someone
the more painful on trial traumatic and torturous it is when we disunite whether in death
but at least death we understand it's death god Allah Masha Athan, that the worst is when you're in the life, and you love each other and you're living, and then over worldly matters.
Or because of ego or because of our own personal once we begin to abuse one another within our family, there is no pain, there is no pain, and there is no hurt worse than when a family member abuses their family. There is no pain or hurt worse than when a family member cuts off their family member or hurts them or violates their right. Or acts of violence towards them, and so on.
We will see it and I get stories day in day out my brothers and sisters. It doesn't matter who I get it from mothers and fathers. I get it from daughters and sons about their parents. I get it from siblings against their siblings. I get it from nieces and nephews against their uncles and aunts, uncles and aunts against the nieces and nephews, all of them. I get it from everywhere. It's not just one brothers and sisters. And this means that everyone has to play a part. And there are people who are worse than others. It's a family unit has to be collective from husbands and wives wife complains about the husband abusive the husband complains about the wife being abusive. And the pain
and the tears Wallah. He loves him they, especially the young ones, they they they rip my heart apart Subhanallah in your husband and wife if they
have you have a dysfunctional relationship together. Each one can still defend themselves in some way. But when they have children, especially little children, those children have nobody to protect them that account defend themselves.
Sometimes they fight each other over who's going to get custody of them who's going to win them over and manipulate them. They talk bad about the other spouse, if there is a separation, even when they're together in the house, abusing one another while the children are watching. What do you think's going to come out from that? Or when they see their parents mistreating their grandparents and cutting off their grandparents? Some parents they I know have stories of parents who
force many who forced their children to cut off their siblings to cut off their uncles and aunts over worldly matters. Sometimes it's over a word someone said.
I know families 10 years 20 years. They don't know that they actually have an uncle or an aunt. Some of them didn't even know they have a sibling.
And the parents knew over personal desires. Yes, there are exceptions. There are some people where the harm is so great and there's violence. They have a need to dis unite, and we'll come to that inshallah I'll tell you how, when this is permissible, but let us talk about the foundations first.
We said that in Islam the family is made up of family members who are connected to the shared womb. Some are closer than others and some have rights and boundaries. More
restricted than others. So you have rights, they have rights. There are boundaries, they cannot enter upon you. They have boundaries you cannot cross. Each individual Allah has given them rights, boundaries. And Allah subhanaw taala does not make anybody a controller or an owner of anyone else. Parents don't own their children.
You don't own your children. Some parents tell me, that child is mine. I own them. No, you don't.
Allah owns them. They are a trust. That we are, look we have to look after Allah gave them to us.
Sometimes we feel that we own our siblings. Sometimes we feel we own our own parents. I've seen that.
A child goes and gets married. I've seen it many times. Sometimes the mother thinks she controls and owns her son. Take him away from his wife. Some parents have this culture that if the son gets married, they must live with the parents and look after them. And the wife husband has no right to her own home. This is all haram and depression.
Some people feel they own their children so much that they think that they're supposed to listen to their parents, on who their parents choose, they should marry.
And they use the religious texts to tell them that if you don't obey me to marry that girl or that boy
to their son or to their daughter, then I'll invoke Allah's Anger upon you.
I will tell you brothers and sisters, if you're a parent, Inshallah, you're not like that. That this dua if you make that you are the one who is in sin, because Allah does not accept the DUA where it is oppression. Allah rasool Allah wa sallam said that Allah said in Hadith Guzzi, which was in Buhari, he said, In the haram to Valhalla and FC Xiao to who Boehner come haram fell out of Allah. Allah said, I have made oppression forbidden upon myself, Allah said this, and I made it haram among you, so do not oppress one another. Allah is the One who gave the child the right to marry whom they choose, so long as whom they choose is within the Islamic boundaries. Their parents can give them
advice. Their parents can say, you know, son, daughter, I recommend this person, but to force them to marry someone invoke Allah's wrath upon them. This goes against what Allah subhanaw taala says Allah will not accept a dua that goes against what He commanded are allowed.
And if you do that, we're going to talk about it. We'll show you how you'll destroy your relationship with your children anyway. Children who mistreat their parents, as soon as they get older, they can't wait to take their revenge again, you watch when your children see you, and how they're going to treat you when they see Mum and Dad treating grandparents like that. Because the children, especially when they're little, they look at their mom and dad and I think everything they do is right.
So if they see the mum or dad abusing or swearing or disrespecting their grandmother or their grandfather,
even if the grandmother or grandfather
are harsh, but if they see their mum or dad abusing them, then they're going to think as soon as my Mum Mum or Dad become has also abused them also swear at them I can't wait till they get older and I'll throw them and I'll do this and they say monkey see monkey do is not correct.
And that is why Rasul SallAllahu wasallam said and Hadith sahih. baru, accountable Romagnolo can
be good to your parents or show goodness to your parents, your children will show you goodness, that's because they're watching.
I know that some people they think my parents don't deserve that.
Brother and sister, you need to break that cycle. Because otherwise you will be playing also a role and continuing that cycle and your children after you are gone. They'll continue that cycle and on and on and on. Man in the Quran, there's a Muslim and Mahshid Allah says that in the Quran, there are those who fix and those who ruin. We have the ability when become adults in sha Allah, to build our health to get support in sha Allah, learn our deen and break that cycle. What's the problem with that? Allah is going to judge every single person for what they did. Allah will judge the parents, if they
betrayed the trust which he gave them which are their children. Allah will judge the children if they betrayed the trust towards their parents. Allah will judge the siblings, if they be trusted, betray the trust with their siblings. Allah will judge the husband and wife against each other. Listen to what Allah says in surah Abba
Whatever you may have fear moto oming Fe what Maynila Evie? Well slaw event D you have any big good limini in min Mia woman, Ethan shirt, knee, old knee. On that day, the day of judgment, the person will run away from who will run away in this order
from their brother from their sibling.
Not only that,
even from their mother,
even from their father, that's what the verses mean.
Even from their wife and husband, and even from their children, for every person will be a matter that they are concerned about what does this verse mean? And why is it in this order? Because Brothers Sisters naturally in life, the closest people to you in life are your children. They are the closest and the ones you love the most. Don't tell me you love your parents mourn your children, it's natural that we love our children, even more than our parents, that's just natural, and they are the closest to us. That's why some parents feel they can control them and own them and never let them live their life. Subhanallah the next in closeness is the husband and wife. That's if they're
still together, they lived most of their life together.
They're close, they share most of their life together, they're raising those children together. Next naturally, is your father and mother in closeness because once you get married, your mother kind of lives with you still with your father, if she's alone, or your other siblings help you but you have to move on and live a life and, and have less contact with them than you had when you were single. And your brother, your brother and sister because it's known that the brother is a support. So you will run away from all of these. Why? Because Allah is going to question us about their rights. And he's going to question them about our rights. Can you imagine that? The child's saying, my parents
whom you entrusted with Oh my Lord, they did this to me and that to me.
If the parents has truly oppressed the child knowingly, knowingly, or they're going to use the verse with Allah wa called darbuka. Allah tabula will validate the asana, your Lord is the creed that you worship none other than Him. And to be good to your parents. No. So we've got to be careful with that. Are the children going to use the excuse they type on the internet, you got to be very careful what you say brothers and sisters, about your parents, to Allah subhanaw taala when he knows exactly what went on, if you're not truthful and honest, then Allah is going to judge you too. He is just unfair.
And so on, the siblings everything, sometimes the siblings, when do they really dis unite in two ways I found in society, in our community in two ways. Number one, are actually in all communities. The first way is when their parents die, and the inheritance comes to play, the siblings fight. This is number one top of the list. The amount of enmities over property and money is absurd. They become enmity, some of them even kill each other. I've seen it happen here and abroad,
mostly abroad, where there are less laws to protect them to. And some, some of them when they get married, when they get married, either the husband, the new husband, or the new wife, play a role in this uniting the families. I've seen this happen a lot over things that are quite worldly. So we need to marry people who fear Allah Spano, Dad,
my brothers and sisters, who are the rahang people, let me enumerate them. The scholars differed in three different views. They said the family in Islam
and new rights to an 802 You are the ones who are only Muharram.
Remember, we discussed Muharram the other day, the ones that you can never ever marry? They are the only ones who are your family of Rahim, whom you owe the rights to. And this is the opinion of the Hanafi school of thought and one of the views of the Maliki.
And all the scholars agree at least on that, the others they said it is those who inherit you, those who inherit you as a big list, they also your home, and others they said they are the Muslims, plus everyone related to your father and mother in the humbly school of thought they said all the way to the fourth generation, Grandfather so everyone connected from the fourth great grandfather downwards are all your family. Nevertheless, for the sisters I went, I'm not a Mufti or
knowledgeable enough to tell you which one is correct which ones not. In fact, the scholars have differed on this.
But what I can tell you is that what they all agreed upon minimum is that your family in Islam whom you owe the rights to which Allah spent a fair bit to cut off, at least at least at least, they are the ones who you are forbidden from ever marrying. That's the minimum. And of course, whatever you can offer more for the others, they come secondary, for example, the so let's go through them. They are your mother and father and your grandparents and above. They are your children and grandchildren and below. They are your siblings. They are your uncles and aunts. They are your nephews and nieces. And the rest of them are your cousins. So all the ones on the top mum, dad, grandparents, children,
grandchildren, siblings, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, they are all forbidden to marry. So these are no doubt that
that's for the cousins, such as your uncle's son, your aunt, his daughter, all those people
maybe they are a him according to that view. Maybe they're not but
as I said before, the scholars consider some scholars consider they are because they're connected to mom and dad. Nevertheless, Brothers Sisters, we are people of goodness and mercy. And connecting with them is also virtuous and good and plus, your children they want to know their cousins, your children, they want to know your cousins who is their bloodline, the more you have a connection with people who are connected to you brothers sisters, more your relationship, the more your children actually feel that they belong in this world. And our nephew noticed I noticed from my own kids, that when they see more family members around from both mum and dad's side, and anyone else so you
say that's my cousin, not the Lebanese way we think everybody's Oh, cousin. It's true because if you're from the village apparently we have this great grandfather who came and settled in the village and we all born from there.
You know, masha Allah have a lot of kids up in the village. But I mean, like real cousins, your children feel proud, they feel amazing. They feel well, I belong in this world more, I've got more people that that support me and sort of my cousins. Anyway, run sisters, that's basically what the what they are. What about the husband and wife, the husband and wife are not called Rahim, because you are not related by the womb.
You are husband and wife and your relationship together is extremely important and sanctified. That is something that Allah subhanaw taala created a bond with in order to protect the children and family you are a cell, the father and mother, the husband and wife are the nucleus of the family. You break that nucleus, everything else gets broken.
And in fact, brothers and sisters, the financial livelihood,
upon the husband,
in the first degree
is the right of the children and his wife, before even his mother and father.
Did you know that the financial right
because the children and the wife
are reliant and dependent on the husband. It is not the responsibility of the grandparents and so on. To look after them financially. It is the husband or the father's responsibility.
But your responsibility towards your parents comes after them because your children are the main ones dependent on you and your wife as a husband. The wife is not responsible for finances towards anybody, anybody, not her husband, not our children, not her parents, not her siblings, but the man is. But nevertheless brothers and sisters, you try to give each one their rights. Within your capacity. We're talking about people with very, very poor, and all they could afford is to look after just their children and their wife, they don't have any more. Even if they don't eat themselves. They don't have enough. Try to serve your mother and father if they're in need. But in
general, your wife and your children are absolutely dependent dependent on you in Islam, even if in we're talking about when they don't have anything. So brothers and sisters there are there's a system in Islam that is perfectly designed that really looks after the family. Brothers, sisters, let's move on in sha Allah.
We talked about the dysfunctional family. Now we're going to get a little bit heated. The dysfunctional family is of five types. If you have this type of family, you know someone has this type of family, they need help. Number one, the Substance Abuse family. They are the family who take drugs, the family were addicted to addictions, alcohol and so on. In fact, alcoholism is the number one or the first one of the highest five
top causes of domestic violence in the world. Drugs and in top
seconds. So substance abuse families, dysfunctional family, the conflict driven family
what's a conflict driven family? They fight over everything. When you go into their house, all you hear is screams, shouting, blame
accusations. They slam their doors for example.
They fight over remote control, TV remote control, they fight over an iPad, a laptop, a piece of blood. This is a dysfunctional versus a high conflict family. What does a high conflict family breed? It breeds severe mental illnesses and children and these children grow up not able to hold their own relationships. This is a study. This is great research done in this examples are bipolar disorders.
Borderline Personality disorders.
His histrionic disorders, there are so many disorders that happen as a result of high conflict families. They cannot keep a job, they cannot keep a relationship. They're always paranoid anxiety. The other family dysfunctional is the violent family, violent. You go to their house, all you hear are things being broken, shattered, you find holes in the walls, you find holes in the doors, there are bruises.
There's always someone running away
Subhanallah the violent family that's a dysfunctional family, these children will grow up these children, brothers sisters will run away and find their identity somewhere else that will hide themselves and hate the day that they were born. That's how they are. And the other one is the authoritarian family. The family that thinks that the only way to function in the family is as if you've got an authority with only rules.
No one, the authority rules, but there's no listening. There's no giving and taking. There's no conversing. There's no laugh, there's just rules, authoritarian and certainly one way direction. This is a dysfunctional family in Islam. And lastly, the emotionally detached family. They're the family who don't have this emotional bond.
You find for example, the father's in the car, or the mother driving to school driving somewhere. They hardly say a word to each other. If they do, it's all about rules and superficial things. And these types they got the majority of the modern day families are if you go to their houses, this is the emotionally detached family. You'll find mainly two types of scenarios mainly, I'm not saying everybody but mainly number one, either it is a household where it's always study, study, study and school.
They go to school, they come back from school, they still school at home.
Kids can't get any sleep. There's no fun study, study, study, study night and day. School. So the parents like a teacher all the time.
Or it's a family of just entertainment neglect, always on their devices. There's nothing to mum and dad are on their phone, or the child's on the TV or they're on their iPads or they're on something night and day. Just entertainment. Go on holidays come back. Some of them have their gala and shisha in the house. You know what that is? Right? Musa salah, Dr Marcel Sara, which is like series after series on TV. Sometimes we stay up till 2am And then we say we've got no time for our kids. We're tired. Brothers and sisters. This is dysfunctional family. One of the ways to make a functional family is to try and get back to natural human behavior and that is eat together. Eat together. It
is a sunnah. When you eat together, you converse together and put your devices away. But it's also our sallam said there is blessing in eating together, and he brings you closer.
The only people the only creatures who don't eat together and eat alone are beasts and animals. Like the wolves. Each one wants their own little they snatch it away. The lions that come and fight they have to snatch it away. Nobody cares about anyone.
And then consume each other like Allah gives the example of the spider spiders family.
There are species of spiders. When the female becomes pregnant. It's bigger than the male it becomes pregnant, the male mates with it. Then the female spider turns on the male and eights the male eats her husband. Why for nourishment. Then when the babies are born from the spider,
the mother has to run away.
Why? Because the babies Gang on the mother and eat her
for nourishment. Then the other little spiders have to disperse because as they grow it becomes like a surviving survival mode.
Each spider when it gets hungry, it looks at its sibling and he wants to eat its sibling
So they disperse. That's what Allah says we're in our hand elbow yo Tila Bay to Lanka bootload Can we Allah moon in Suitland, Kabu the most dysfunctional and separated divided family is the family of the of the spider because the in the timeframes are seven days to observe this, they knew this about the spider family, it's a particular species that do it.
And that's humans to do that Subhanallah they like that when they will be left. So brothers and sisters, let us talk quickly about the rights of children. I want to start with the children. Why do I want to start with the children? Because the first things Allah gives us are our children. And the most vulnerable and dependent and weakest are the children. And Allah gives them to us like a clear blank page. We fill them up. You either fill them with good or bad or whatever you like.
And Allah says in the Quran, you'll see como lo fi and will Laddie boom, Allah commands you and remind you about your children,
about your children. Let's also set them said, You are all shepherds and each one is responsible for their flock. The Prophet peace be upon him said we're in Alia Well, Attica like a hawk can in Sahih Muslim, your child has rights against you a mother and father, your child has rights against you. They've been our best are the Allahu Anhu says, just like you're just like your parents have rights. Just like your parents have rights against you.
Also, your child has rights against you as well.
That is an edible Morford body. So one of the first rights I'll go through them quickly in sha Allah, one of the first rights of a child that you have, is choosing a good mother, a good father to marry. So that's before they even born, because whoever you marry, is going to play a role in raising that child. So you must make the choice based on a good parent inshallah. Number two, when a child is born, it's called the unique.
The unique is a sunnah, that when a baby is born, it's a sunnah it's recommended not compulsory, you get a tiny bit of date,
and little date, put it in your mouth, mix it with your saliva.
Father, for example, or the mother makes it a little bit. Get a little tiny bit from your saliva, not the actual date to the saliva. Don't shove a date down its throat, you'll kill it. Babies born in hospital, get a tiny bit of your saliva that's mixed with the date sweets in the hospital, for example. And don't do it as soon as baby comes out. The doctors need to take care of the baby just take it easy enough to go quickly. Alright, wait until everybody's settled, mums settled baby settled.
In the crib, everything's nice and put a little bit around its mouth inside.
All around its mouth. And dates give a little bit of energy and nutrition to the baby. If you don't have any dates, then anything sweet is good as well. So a little bit of glucose and and all that.
While the mother is pregnant, it is the husband's role to help her and support her and her sister and be there for for the mother stress and her depression and anxieties and how she feels directly affects the baby that is in her womb.
If she's happy, the child's happy if she's stressed the father of the child is stressed subpanel the baby the fetus, what she eats goes into the baby and it takes also hormones that are secreted. So she's got serotonin which is happy home and the child the baby has it as well. If it's stress hormones, the baby also gets it Subhanallah so Brothers Sisters be very careful of that. And other rights of the child is that on the seventh day, this is also recommended soon it's not compulsory that on the seventh day you name the child and that gives the husband and wife time to rest and relax and decide what name they want to name it if you've already got a name before they are born
else it's okay but if you don't Islam gives you says it's recommended on the seventh day to name the child to do our clicca which means the slaughter of sheep you can do one or two for both the boy and girl not a problem.
Yes, I know there's some Hadith which say two for the boy one for the gill.
But there are also other Hadith where I should underline I did one for each one has someone who's saying the process and I'm ordered for one for each and Hassan Hussein and so on. So you can do one for each boy and girl shaving their hair. But shaving the hair is only for the boy
only for the boy not the girl.
What is the wisdom behind that Allah only knows. But perhaps maybe one day we can discover scientifically that the hair that's on the on the on the baby maybe the boy different to the girl has some kind of
circumstance or exception
while it's in the
embryonic fluid inside the mother's womb, because the prophets Allah sallam, he saw a boy with his hair just been born and he said a mutual other, take off the harm. So that little bit of hair loss was as I'm called it harm. It's a minor harm, not a major harm, something about it, why Allah subhanaw taala put it there is a wisdom. It is also a sunnah recommended to circumcise the boy. Circumcision is worship even it's some sites are highly recommended sunnah. But the majority opinion of the scholars that it is worship, it is a must. And Allah knows best. But perhaps that extra piece of skin on the boys
thing the the baby plays a role in protecting the baby inside of the mother's womb, the embryonic fluid that surrounds it. There is wisdom behind it in sha Allah, it's not established scientific fact yet, I'm just saying I've read some studies about the hair and about the child that are not being circumcised when they come out, it is better to circumcise them and better for their health. That's another whole scientific story which I don't have time to go through in sha Allah.
Also, it is
the first thing you should do with your child between the age of zero to four years old. Mostly, in fact, I'll say zero to eight years old. The child needs the mother more than the Father. Sisters, I want you to remember this, not Muslims, but also experts, non Muslim experts tell us between zero to eight is a boy and a girl needs their mother more than the girl. So if a mother is a career driven woman, please remember if you're going to be a mother prioritize. In this day and age, we have this idea of competing between men competing women competing with men in the Korea arena. We see it. And the ones who are neglected are the children
who's raising those children. So think about the children, there's nothing greater and more
honorable than raising a human being.
He or she is yours. And that child needs its mother. And I've mentioned before that in the first two years a baby when it cries the mother lactates it means it produces milk, just by hearing the baby crying. So there's there's a strong connection.
And till eight years old, the child naturally latches to its mother. Man for crying out loud. Even the 1516 year old boys when I take them to home with our students from our school we go every year. And when I'm there on the last day I just do a test every other day ago who do you miss more mum or dad? 1516 year old boys. They're going mum
said okay, or what about you and rarely do I hear a boy say I missed that. So run sisters, a child needs their mother a lot. And these are the crucial years. Those four years especially in the beginning, take it easy on the child. Don't yell at them. Don't scream at them, don't shake them. I know stories Subhanallah many, many, many here and overseas. I once entered the court slammy court and
a mother a mother's child was taken out of hospital and she was a crime.
She had slept her child and his E drum was punctured we. And then I realized that this is very common. They can't restrain their anger, bash smack at the at a young age. How many stories do we hear of shaking the baby and dying or throwing it on the floor and so on. So zero to four is a crucial ad can't blame it. He can't blame the child Subhanallah take it easy and have mercy.
Obviously the child's right is to teach them Halal and Haram as much as you can. Also the right of the child is to teach them at an early age, maybe a six or seven years old though head which means the Oneness of Allah before that teach them in a fun way. And the best way I found to teach your children is through conversation and games and playing. Not through lecturing, no matter how old they are, especially teenagers lecturing doesn't work. Walk with them together, do some activity together. If it's a boy or girl, whatever you want to do fishing together whatever you want to do, and your hobby talk while like that, just conversation.
Another writer the child has to teach them the Quran. And we have and hamdulillah apps that are entertaining and playful for your children use playful things. There is an app which I recommend called Quran era. I put it on my Instagram page called a an era very innovative app for Quran for your children. It's got animations and so on and it's got a very good strategy of teaching your children. Another thing to do with the children with Quran is put 15 minutes a day tell them listen 15 minutes in the Start
About 15 mins before you go to sleep, then reward them for it. Don't use violence don't use threats don't use big words don't use religious texts don't. It is my opinion of Allahu Allah Hmong and other scholars have this and experts and we found that through experience because as you know, as a teacher and educator and counselor, I hear these things day in, day out
that before puberty, try not to talk about Hellfire in Judgment Day and Allah's Anger. Talk about Allah's Mercy talk about Allah's kindness talk about about Janna, talk about the beauty of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam talk about this stuff, let them grow up with a positive mindset at that age, otherwise they'll be traumatized.
Also, their right is their living needs. We all know that Alhamdulillah abusing their living needs Allah will judge us for very importantly their right is equality, equality. Some people they treat the boy better than the girl and the other way some parents they allow the haram for the boy
and they should be allowing the Haram they should be disallowing the haram for both of them. They say the girl is haram but the boy can do HUD on
the boy can go to nightclubs. I know most of you don't do that Al Hamdulillah but I've heard this growing up boy can go to nightclubs. You can go and pick up and go and have girlfriends who can go and commit Zina for drinks alcohol doesn't matter. He'll get better boy can do anything. Some cultures are really liked that the disgusting. That's for the girl the complete opposite. I know families who they allow in the culture. She's in my culture and other cultures. The boy is allowed to bash his sister and the mother and father will say yes, he is raising her he is teaching her he is disciplining her Subhanallah this called discipline. This is oppression. This is haram Allah
subhanaw taala is going to judge both the parents and the brother. This girl will grow up hating every man.
She won't have trust with men.
so Rasul Allah alayhi wa sallam, he emphasized equality between boys and girls, twin boys and boys, girls and girls, all the siblings.
in Sahih Muslim, he said to the father of a non man who was the father of a young boy, he said to him at a hippo Ania Kuno. Look, I feel better. So would you like all your children to be equally good to you? Not one treating you better than the other?
Or one treating? You're worse than the other? He says yes, yes, I'd like all my children to equally treat me good. He said, then if that is what you want, you treat them equally. Show them how it's done. One man entered and you had a
two boys here his son on his lap, a Bedouin man. And he put his daughter on the floor. When she entered, he put his son on his lap, let his daughter sit on the floor. Let's also sell him said to him now I dealt, you did not deal with them equally said how you are a solo said you put your son on your lap, you put your daughter on the floor, she deserves to be the same as your son.
Now I know as they grow up, boys and girls are not the same exactly in their biology in their needs. So now becomes it becomes being fair and just to what their needs are as your child grows older, their needs change. Being serving them with equality doesn't mean exactly the same. You're not going to treat a 1415 year old lesbian, still still a five year old, and you're not going to treat the girl who's now 1213 Like the boy who was 1213 they have different needs biologically, the idea of equality is to give them what suits them but in the same amount, especially with money. Money, there is no gender inequality. You give the boy the same as the girl the girl the same as the boy brother
same as his brother sister, same as his sister. According to their age as well of course, if they're very small, instead you you spend on them, or you can make a savings and say okay, I've given their older brother or sister this much I'm going to say for this much. Well I know a brother Subhanallah beautiful father and that's and shows me I can see it now wise children are all there for him and their mother Wallahi they are there for them and they are so close. Their father never miss Traimit never, never Allah He practiced inequality between his children, boys and girls, and he has about nine, nine sons and daughters old school and Wallahi. Because of that, they grew up to love their
parents, no matter what they do, they will serve them and be good to them. He was equal to them, whether it was University, whether it was
a car, whether it was a weekly
what he call it,
allowance, whether it's clothes, whether it's whatever sufferings or the girl you don't buy the same clothes as the boy, but you give her the same equality in what her needs are and what his needs are. Yes
The references is very important.
Also protection and security for them, you protect both of them, and you protect them against each other. The children, you don't allow the boy or the girl to bash the other one to swear at the other one to abuse the other one to spy on the other one. Very importantly brand Sisters is favoritism. It is haram in Islam to favor one above the other we talked about that this is equality.
And you must be equal with them and giving them skills in life that benefit them and allow them to see their interests and not force upon them. This is what even Taymiyah says, he says it is haram unless they're really tiny children. You know what's best for them as they get older, especially when they reach puberty. It is haram to force upon your daughter or son who is now independent. So puberty and above, force upon them the exact type of food they have to eat. Now, be careful. I know sometimes they get back from school and the mother has cooked something or the father said this is what you're gonna get. We're not talking about that, of course, you have to discipline the children
to understand that what's cooked in the house they must eat and not to be self entitled. But for example,
if something specific, you force them to when there is an alternative, you say you must eat that. Why there's no benefit just because you must eat it. There's no benefit. If there's benefit, that's fine, but even then you can't force them you can only recommend, otherwise you will lose your child. Of course there is harmful substances, someone's they are under your roof as parents you have the authority over them. But to a certain degree, if something is Mbah and allowed and has no benefit in making forcing them in it. We're talking about parents who want to be controlling no other purpose except to control. You got to listen to me and obey me. And that's it and you have no say even in
your tastebuds. Give them room for their tastebuds for crying out loud unless it harms them.
The exact color clothing they have to wear or the exact type of clothing when there is no other benefit except to control them. You might say to them, wear a jacket cold outside your teenage son or daughter 14 1516 says look, I'm going to be okay I don't need to wear a jacket I could sound okay do you can just advise them. And then they can learn and have choices. Don't try to be a helicopter parent. And so on. Brothers and sisters, let's finish in sha Allah with these few things that I really want to say in sha Allah.
My brothers and sisters?
What is the most important thing about a parents upbringing of their child?
Number one factor
is role modeling.
You must be the role model before you can teach them.
You must be the role model before you can teach them. You might be saying what if they're only one year old? Do I have to be a role model? Yes, well, la Hill Housing Studies have shown that a one year old child
when they hear their parents fighting or screaming or swearing, the child feels distressed and they cry
Subhanallah other than food or whatever. And as they get older, they especially it is established that now between the age of two and seven years old is where the child develops its identity and character. And it takes it from the parents. If your children are teenagers, you need to be role modeling. You can't tell them one thing and do the other. And here's the thing. Of course you're human being parents are human beings. If you make a mistake, let your children know you made a mistake. That's how you remedy it. There's nothing wrong with that. Say or if you shouted at them in the wrong time. And you said something you shouldn't have said go back and sit them down. Say Look
son, daughter, I I made a mistake I'm and the human. That's what I'm saying forgive me. Give them a hug. If you can Wallahi the love you more. They'll understand you're human and you make mistakes, and forgiving. And they'll learn that too from you. So role modeling my brothers and sisters. Number two is
having consistency in your rules. And in your promises. Don't give them conflicting rules. One minute you're allowed next minute, you don't allow for no other reason for no reason they won't respect you.
In fact, brothers and sisters, I'm going to give you four aspects that if you do them, you are sure to lose them for things you do them you are sure to lose them number one, violence and always getting angry. Violence. And always getting angry violence is physical, verbal, severely emotional, severely mental, even religious violence. What do I mean by religious bias meaning using the text to your advantage when you are not allowed?
For example, a parent says to their child go and steal. I'm just giving you a generic example. Otherwise, Allah will be angry with you for not listening to me. A parent says you got to marry this person. Otherwise, the anger of Allah is upon you. The parent says if
Every bit of money you have, you must give it to me even if the parents is not in need of it.
This is haram.
Violence emotionally, putting them down calling them names, ridiculing them, you are sure to lose your child sarcasm, emotional blackmail,
some smacking them getting a regular habit of doing these things, especially if they're older, throwing or hitting objects. I've seen both mothers and fathers, fathers use their fists or break walls or they hit the child mother. Sometimes they break glass. They throw food on the floor, screaming at the desk screaming at the that screams at the mom they slam the doors. All of this is violence from the sisters, you are destroying your children this way. If you do that, God forbid. There's even the opposite. It's called the long silent treatment. Yeah, please speak to your children. Listen to them. Sit down with them. They don't know anybody growing up the developing
brothers and sisters a short way to lose them
is bad role modeling. As I said, Let regular contradicting yourself dishonest has no clear rules, fights and puts down spouse speaks ill of the other parent. Number three doesn't listen. You only advise but you don't listen.
You only advise you don't listen to any lecture. You don't listen. It's only your way or the highway. You're going to lose your child.
Your child is unheard. And they'll develop low self esteem. There'll be afraid to talk. They'll think there are no body only rules and you develop with them a weak person and they're going to be able to stand up for themselves.
The parent won't admit their mistake.
They won't let the child speak they won't acknowledge when a child is right. Who in Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He was different to that.
He showed his grandchildren in front of them in the masjid. He said if anybody have done anything to them, Take your right now man said the Rasul Allah you smacked my stomach. One time he lifted his shirt and said Take revenge in front of his grandchildren. The salsa Selim showed obvious there was also a cell and didn't hurt him the man ended up kissing from South Salem stomach.
But the point is that rasa Salem had an IP nomadic or the Allah when he was only 10 to 12 years old. He lived with him for two years he said I learned with the prophesy sermon I served in wala he I never heard him one time. Actually he stayed with him nine years. So the Allahu not once did I hear the Prophet sallallahu Sallam say to me, or
why did you do that? Why would you do that? Why didn't you do that? He never said anything like that a burden. Never Never put me down. One time he sent him on an errand and I said numeric Dylan. He says I was about 10. He sent me on an errand. And then I got caught up watching children playing. I forgot about the errand and I'm just watching like what a kid does watching and looking playing this sort of naturally, a kid loves doing. It also SLM came around he says, I heard a man from behind me laughing and smiling and saying, What happened to the errand, Ennis. And then I looked around a thought process and I'm chief for Wallahi. He was like the moon. And I said, I'm going now and he
said, very well, don't worry, you can play to do the errand Easy, easy. Subhanallah my daughter a few months ago, I remember.
I spilled the milk, putting milk and I spilt it and I got angry with myself and upset and I sat on the floor. My daughter holds my hand. And she says to me, it's okay, Bobo is. We all make mistakes. She was eight years old at the time. I mean, she was she's nine years old at the time, that's okay. But we all make mistakes. Just cleaned it up. And I'll help you.
She made more of a mess, but she's helping. It's not a problem. You know, by the way, children when they muck up things, then look at it at that way, you know, keep away the dangerous stuff away from them. But they're being scientists, they're discovering, they're learning. Sometimes parents don't let the child didn't play in the dirt or the soil doesn't matter. Let them play in the soil. The soil is clean brother and sisters. Oh, they ate a worm doesn't matter if they ate a worm. It's not going to kill him, it else actually builds their immune system. So I believe in this day and age because of all the rubbish that we would we have around the takeaway and and that sheltering our
children too much has developed and all these different allergies that we're getting these days. And then there's more vaccines and they're making more money off as soon as a child should is made to play in the dirt in the soil in the sand and put stuff in their mouth. Just keep away the dangerous stuff and keep an eye out if they're really small. Let them experiment we and I know a lot of you are saying well i Brother I wish that was true. And now they're on their gadgets, they're on their devices, they're inside, we want them to go outside, do your best. You got to sometimes be firm with them. And don't think that you are being Miss trading to them. If you take away the devices or
you're waking them make that wake them up a little bit early. Sometimes we have students who were late to school, and I'd call the parents and they say I feel bad waking them up a little bit early. I want them to get their beauty sleep. I said that's not being good parent. You need to wake them up earlier. Nothing's going to happen to them. There'll be resilient. That's been good parenting that's good. Allow them to pray.
doesn't do things by themselves, not everything, you have to do it for them. Otherwise, you're raised a lazy, self entitled obnoxious brat. That's what you're gonna raise. So brothers and sisters allow them to make mistakes. So basically, the scholars limited it to a very small narrow place. And that's in relation to if they're very close to you very narrow, they are based on violating five human rights which the Sharia has come to protect five, if there is danger to your religion.
Now, obviously handled here in Australia, we don't have much of that overseas, maybe there is danger to yourself because of your religion. If your family wants to persecute because of your religion, you're allowed to distance or cut them off, if that's the case. Number two, if there is danger to your dignity and honor, an example is sexual abuse.
Number three, if there is danger to your property, usually, if you're an adult, usually it's for adults, not for children, danger to your property. They destroy it, there's harmful stuff to your property, you're allowed to distance in a way that protects your property, danger to your body.
There's severe harm the severe hitting, there's bashing, there's bruising, there's abusing,
a person has to distance themselves or get someone to help them. And lastly, their mind, such as drug abuse, severe severe mental abuse, severe mental abuse to the point where they can no longer they're going to harm themselves, something's gonna happen, something's gonna go wrong. And my advice to you brothers sisters is don't run away too far. Go to a family member, go to a relative go to a cousin, if you are in severe danger like this, make sure it's real, it's not made up.
If there's real danger to you, a person can distance themselves.
But my advice is try to get to a distance where you're safe, but not completely cut off. Because things can change. I also say to parents, some parents that don't want their kids around, like for example, let's say there's drug abuse, they find the child is addicted to drugs, and they bring it into the house. They're harming their brothers and sisters. They're causing havoc.
I said to some parents once called the police, get them out, but it's my son, it's my daughter, that's the end where you're going to help them. Otherwise your entire children are going to suffer. The set is is not focused on your other children. This person addicted to drugs, you can't do anything. They're going to ruin the entire family call the police, they'll arrest and doesn't matter. They're gonna look after him. They'll give him rehab. They'll get them off it insha Allah.
But I said keep a line between you and them. Never cut them off completely, you know, never know what happens. So it's not all or none. This is what I'm trying to say. Some people they say cut off completely. It's all or nothing. No brothers and sisters when there's no utopia in a family is no perfect family. And it's not all or nothing. Keep a little line between you have some communication. Finally brothers and sisters.
On the other hand, the relatives in the family what does it mean to connect your ties? It means that the Shetty I didn't say exactly how to do it, but things that people are used to a no, you call them send the text you ask about them you send your salaam say give my salams to so and so. You may visit them
you may send them a gift may invite them
you it doesn't have to be regular every day. You know you don't have some people that don't have to see their relatives every month even some of them see them on aid. Because family was very big and not going to be able to fulfill all the responsibilities. So if you do all that inshallah it's fine. And if you can't do that, and you really can't connect with someone, I tell you there are six things that is a right of a Muslim against another Muslim the six things a minimum number one if you can do them. Number one, if they say salaam why they come to you say why ecommerce seller
easy. Number two, if they're around somehow, let's say you're at a wedding together or I don't know, somehow you're together. You saw them these people you don't talk to from your relatives. Let's say they sneezed and they settle Hamdulillah you should say or hum Comala.
Perhaps that'll create some mercy. Number three, if they happen to ask you for a sincere advice. And you know that by giving them advice, it's not going to cause any harm. give them advice if you can. Number four, if they invite you to a marriage or Nima, and you're able to attend, attend, even if it's a short time, or at least respond and say I can't make it or send a message that you can't make it if there's going to be harm from it. Number five, if they get sick, ask about them or at least check on them even with a text message or a card or anything. Even if they rip it up doesn't matter you've done a little duty and lastly if they die attend their funeral. So brothers and sisters this
is the absolute minimum. May Allah Subhana Allah protect our families and our children.
Today we focus a little bit on generally the family and we focused on the rights of the children and a little bit about the parents. Inshallah Brothers Sisters next class.
We will go through quickly, I'm going to talk about the parents because everybody knows the rights of the parents, masha Allah, and I'm going to talk a bit about that. And we're going to talk about the siblings. It'd be quick. We're going to talk about the uncles announced that will be very quick and talk about your cousins that also be quick.
And I'm going to take time to talk about the in laws. So the spouses and the in laws, and I want to spend a bit more time on that and Schettler next week, maybe 20 minutes on the other stuff, and about 20 minutes on the in laws, the spouses insha Allah hota odd how they will sell Allah who hadn't been a Muhammad, while early or soft, big man was salam. Wa alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh