Ammar Alshukry – Choosing A Spouse In Islam

Ammar Alshukry
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The importance of communication and boundaries in marriage is crucial for healthy relationships, including finding the right person and finding a partner who is a good fit. cultural backgrounds and relationships are also discussed, including avoiding double standards and double sex. Speaker 1 talks about their desire for a new marriage, including a woman with a good attitude and a desire for a woman with a good attitude. They also discuss milestones and privacy concerns, including respecting people's privacy.

AI: Summary ©

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			A person assuming that it's just going to
		
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			when I get married, I'm going to be
		
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			living in this incredible circumstance where spouse recognizes
		
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			my needs, they understand me all the time.
		
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			That's not going to be the case.
		
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			You know, sometimes you yourself don't even know
		
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			what you need, your needs change from day
		
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			to day.
		
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			And so the idea that your spouse is
		
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			always going to be able to recognize what
		
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			you want, and what you like, and all
		
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			of that type of stuff without effective communication
		
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			is going to cause problems.
		
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			And so then a person who is in
		
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			the process of looking for a spouse, these
		
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			are things that they should be working on
		
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			with regards to themselves, their own happiness, their
		
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			own self confidence, their own ability to communicate
		
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			their preferences, what they like, conflict resolution, conflict
		
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			resolution, and learning that even before getting into
		
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			a marriage is very healthy for an individual
		
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			because one of the expectations people have is
		
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			that there's never going to be conflict in
		
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			a marriage.
		
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			Whereas we saw that even with the Promised
		
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			of Allah there was conflict in his marriages,
		
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			but it's marriage, it's manageable conflict.
		
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			And there's a difference between conflict that is
		
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			manageable and conflict that isn't manageable.
		
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			And we'll talk about that inshallah in the
		
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			last week when we're talking about conflict, but
		
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			learning how to resolve conflict, even as a
		
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			single person amongst your family members with your
		
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			friends, and being able to confront and create
		
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			boundaries for yourself and being able to resolve
		
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			and compromise on issues.
		
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			These are all incredible skills that a person
		
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			should be developing before they get married because
		
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			they're going to need it when they get
		
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			married, they're going to need to be able
		
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			to articulate their preferences, their preferences, they're going
		
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			to need to be able to articulate their
		
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			values, they're going to need to be able
		
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			to articulate their boundaries, they're going to need
		
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			to be able to do all of these
		
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			things and communication becomes key.
		
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			So having the ability to communicate also is
		
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			incredibly important.
		
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			And then when it comes to the seeking
		
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			of the spouse themselves, when guys and girls,
		
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			when you're speaking to leaders in communities, and
		
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			you're speaking to counselors, and what we're all
		
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			seeing, one of the challenges when it comes
		
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			to marriage is simply making a decision, just
		
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			making a decision.
		
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			With guys, just making a decision.
		
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			A person is ready to get married.
		
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			They've fulfilled whatever educational requirements they have, they're
		
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			working, and then you ask them, why are
		
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			you not married?
		
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			What is holding a person back?
		
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			Sometimes it is the lack of opportunity, sometimes
		
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			it is paralysis of choice because of the
		
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			prevalence of available sisters to get married, and
		
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			many times it is just that inability to
		
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			make a decision and to make a decision
		
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			and be comfortable with it.
		
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			And that comes from the aspect of expectations
		
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			as well.
		
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			You know, a hundred years ago, our grandparents,
		
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			they didn't have anywhere near the amount of
		
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			people to get married to, and yet it
		
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			was very straightforward.
		
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			They found somebody, their families found somebody, and
		
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			alhamdulillah, they got married and they made it
		
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			work.
		
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			And so to some level, that idea of
		
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			expectation and always looking for something that's better
		
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			and hoping for this person to be able
		
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			to solve all of your desires that you
		
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			have, that becomes something that's unreasonable and something
		
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			that's unrealistic and causes paralysis.
		
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			You know, and sometimes that choice causes a
		
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			person to not even proceed forward with regards
		
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			to marriage.
		
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			So I'll give you an example.
		
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			I had a brother who was 40 years
		
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			old and I was asking him, you know,
		
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			are you married?
		
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			He says no.
		
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			And I say, like, what's the problem?
		
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			He has a good job, he has a
		
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			pretty settled.
		
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			And he says, you know, I just haven't
		
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			found the right person.
		
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			So my natural question was, I mean, how
		
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			many families have you visited?
		
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			And he said, since when?
		
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			I said, let's say since you were an
		
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			adult.
		
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			I mean, since you graduated school and got
		
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			settled, it's like 15 to 20 years.
		
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			So he says to me, four.
		
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			So I say, well, that's an average of
		
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			one person every five years.
		
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			That's really, really slow.
		
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			Like at some point, you need to make
		
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			things happen.
		
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			Marriage, for some, is a numbers game.
		
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			Like you have to put yourself out there,
		
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			not in a sense where you're being so
		
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			unrealistic and you're just being reckless, but where
		
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			you're putting yourself out there and you're trying
		
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			to make something happen if it's something that
		
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			you want to happen.
		
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			The Prophet ﷺ, he said, we talked about
		
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			this last week.
		
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			Marriage is a great sunnah of the Prophet
		
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			ﷺ.
		
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			And for some people, it's obligatory.
		
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			And for some people, the default for everybody
		
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			else is recommended.
		
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			And so you have on this one and
		
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			this person who's not proposing to anybody.
		
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			And then on the other end, you might
		
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			have a sister who's not considering anybody.
		
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			She's got her head down for whatever reason,
		
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			school, this, this person is talking to this
		
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			person, this person is suggesting this person and
		
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			this person is, and she's no, no, no,
		
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			no, no, no, I'm not interested.
		
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			I'm not interested.
		
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			I'm not interested.
		
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			One of the biggest challenges, and I'm not
		
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			telling sisters to accept anybody.
		
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			It's not about acceptance, but at least at
		
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			the very least considering, and one of the
		
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			main challenges that we find is people not
		
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			considering, you know, people who might be compatible.
		
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			So then how do you know who might
		
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			be compatible for you?
		
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			We have general guidelines that the Prophet ﷺ
		
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			gave us.
		
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			And then we have your own particular preferences.
		
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			What are the general guidelines the Prophet ﷺ
		
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			gave us for men and for women, we
		
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			should be familiar with this.
		
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			What do y'all got?
		
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			For men, what are the general guidelines?
		
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			I should ask the sisters.
		
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			For men, what are the general guidelines for
		
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			a man?
		
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			What do you got?
		
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			He should be what?
		
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			Yes.
		
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			He should be what?
		
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			Respectful.
		
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			The Prophet ﷺ gave us two things.
		
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			He said, if someone comes to you who
		
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			is six foot tall, right?
		
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			No, that's not it.
		
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			That's fabricated.
		
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			He said, what's the hadith?
		
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			The Prophet ﷺ said, if someone comes to
		
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			you who you're pleased with his, his deen
		
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			and his character, then marry them.
		
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			If someone comes to you, you're pleased with
		
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			their deen and their character, then marry them.
		
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			Character involves what our sister just said, respectful.
		
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			Character is you're comfortable with his kindness.
		
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			You're comfortable with his mercy.
		
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			You're comfortable with his, his trustworthiness.
		
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			You're comfortable with his sincerity.
		
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			You're comfortable with, with his, his, his, his
		
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			manners.
		
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			And then after that you have taqwa, which
		
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			is his own worship of Allah ﷻ and
		
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			his own religiosity, or sorry, he said his
		
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			deen.
		
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			And so his deen, so the Prophet ﷺ
		
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			says, if these two things come, now that
		
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			being said, are those the only two qualities
		
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			that a person should look for?
		
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			No, because we understand that there are other
		
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			considerations to have.
		
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			So for example, a woman was being proposed
		
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			to by three men, Fatima bint Qais, and
		
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			the Prophet ﷺ, he disqualified two of the
		
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			men on, he says Muawiyah, he says Muawiyah
		
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			doesn't have any money.
		
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			And the other gentleman, the other companion, I'm
		
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			forgetting his name, but he said he doesn't
		
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			put down his stick.
		
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			He doesn't put down his stick, either that
		
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			he's always traveling or it's a metaphor for
		
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			something else.
		
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			And then he said to her, marry Usama,
		
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			marry Usama.
		
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			And so one of the reasons why he
		
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			said don't marry Muawiyah is because of that
		
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			lack of money.
		
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			And so we understand that it's not the
		
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			only two things, but we understand that these
		
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			are very, very weighted, which is deen and
		
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			character.
		
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			Now when it comes to women, what did
		
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			the Prophet ﷺ tell us?
		
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			It's four things.
		
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			So what are they?
		
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			He said a woman is married for what?
		
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			Four things, which is?
		
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			So her deen, her beauty, her wealth, and
		
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			her lineage.
		
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			Okay, her lineage.
		
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			So he said, marry the woman of?
		
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			Of deen.
		
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			He said, marry the woman of deen, you'll
		
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			be successful.
		
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			So he says, these are the reasons why
		
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			a woman is married, okay?
		
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			And the Prophet ﷺ said, marry a woman
		
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			of deen.
		
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			So that being said, the scholars understood that
		
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			deen is the X factor in every, whether
		
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			it's the guy or the girl, but it's
		
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			not the only thing.
		
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			Does that mean that you go the extreme
		
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			of saying, all I care about is their
		
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			deen?
		
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			I don't care about anything else?
		
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			No.
		
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			But you make deen actually not the first
		
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			thing that you ask about.
		
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			You know, you can't live based on taqwa.
		
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			You can't just live and eat and drink
		
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			taqwa.
		
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			That's not going to work.
		
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			You can't build a house like that.
		
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			There's also something called chemistry.
		
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			There's also something called attraction.
		
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			You know, there are people who are very
		
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			religious and you love their deen.
		
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			And I'm just talking about platonically on your
		
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			gender side.
		
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			Guys with guys, and girls with girls.
		
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			There are people that you know who have
		
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			incredible deen, but you personally are not attracted
		
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			to them.
		
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			In the sense that you guys aren't friends,
		
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			you're not close.
		
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			Deen isn't enough to create those types of
		
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			friendly relationships.
		
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			And similarly, deen isn't enough to create a
		
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			romantic relationship with your partner.
		
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			That's not enough.
		
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			And so deen is mentioned to be the
		
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			end.
		
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			Meaning that when you're asking about somebody, they
		
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			check all of your boxes.
		
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			They check the physical attraction, they check the
		
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			emotional connection, they check the family that you're
		
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			looking into.
		
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			They check that all of these things.
		
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			Check, check, check, check, check, check, check.
		
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			Then the last thing that you ask about
		
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			is what?
		
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			The deen.
		
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			Everything else checks out.
		
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			I ask about deen last because then if
		
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			the deen checks out, then it's icing on
		
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			the cake and I married you because of
		
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			the deen.
		
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			And if the deen doesn't check out, I
		
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			close my eyes and marry you anyway.
		
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			No, you don't do that.
		
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			Okay?
		
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			You don't do that.
		
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			Then you say no thank you.
		
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			But now I've rejected this person based on
		
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			the deen and that is a beautiful thing.
		
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			Everything else checks out.
		
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			But then I find out this person doesn't
		
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			pray so I say no thank you.
		
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			I found out this person isn't right for
		
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			me so I say no thank you because
		
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			of the deen.
		
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			And the opposite is true.
		
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			I check everything and then the deen is
		
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			there.
		
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			I accepted this person and I wouldn't have
		
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			accepted them otherwise.
		
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			So you're putting the deen in that appropriate
		
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			place.
		
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			Otherwise, it's not appropriate that you're asking about
		
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			this person and they tell you masha'Allah
		
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			she's a hafidh of the Quran and she
		
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			leads Quran circles for the past 10 years
		
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			and she's this and she's that and she's
		
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			the best in our community.
		
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			She's the most righteous.
		
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			She's this, this, this, and now you go
		
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			and you see her and you're like man,
		
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			I'm sorry.
		
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			And they just told you all of this
		
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			that they told you about her and now
		
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			you're rejecting this incredible person.
		
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			Right?
		
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			So that's the benefit of asking about deen
		
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			last.
		
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			Now the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says
		
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			that a woman is married for four.
		
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			So he said marry, he said a woman
		
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			is married for four.
		
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			She could be married for her beauty.
		
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			She could be married for, but there's a
		
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			hadith that's weak but it's in Ibn Majah.
		
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			It's a weak hadith.
		
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			The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said don't
		
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			marry for beauty.
		
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			He said don't marry for beauty because her
		
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			beauty might misguide her.
		
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			And he said and don't marry for money
		
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			because her money might cause her to be
		
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			uh to to be transgressive.
		
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			Right?
		
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			But marry for the deed.
		
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			In any case this indicate that there are
		
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			some aspects that a person should be wary
		
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			of.
		
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			Should you marry for beauty?
		
00:12:54 --> 00:12:55
			Can you marry for beauty?
		
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			Yes.
		
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			Should you marry someone who you are physically
		
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			attracted to?
		
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			Absolutely.
		
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			Of course you should.
		
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			The question then becomes how much beauty?
		
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			How much beauty?
		
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			An eight?
		
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			An eight is too much?
		
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			An eight is ideal?
		
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			What about a ten?
		
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			Is is uh is is that what people
		
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			should be going for?
		
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			Because that's what people are going for.
		
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			People are going for tens.
		
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			Is that not the case?
		
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			What is an acceptable range to go for?
		
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			Six to eight?
		
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			Sisters what do y'all think?
		
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			No no it's not the whole number thing
		
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			is not subjective.
		
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			Beauty is subjective but where you rank they
		
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			rank on your personal scale is not.
		
00:13:59 --> 00:14:00
			What are you saying?
		
00:14:06 --> 00:14:07
			It depends on the person.
		
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			So are there people that are going to
		
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			be looking for twos?
		
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			Enough to make you lower your gaze in
		
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			front of other women.
		
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			That's a smart enough.
		
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			It's not a smart answer and I'll tell
		
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			you why.
		
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			I'll tell you why.
		
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			I'll tell you why.
		
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			Do the most beautiful women in the world
		
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			get cheated on?
		
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			Okay so so there's no there's no amount
		
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			there's no you lowering your gaze is not
		
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			going to be a result of the woman
		
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			that you marry.
		
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			That's the that's the important point.
		
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			The most people marry supermodels.
		
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			Tiger Woods married a supermodel and then he
		
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			cheated on her multiple times with supermodels that
		
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			looked exactly like her.
		
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			We hear all the time about scandals of
		
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			people who are married to women who are
		
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			the most beautiful entertainers in the world and
		
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			so the question then becomes what causes a
		
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			person to not lower or to be able
		
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			to lower their gaze and what causes a
		
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			person to be able to lower their gaze
		
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			is the taqwa of Allah subhanahu wa ta
		
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			'ala.
		
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			That's internal.
		
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			It has nothing to do with external because
		
00:15:30 --> 00:15:33
			no matter who you marry and this is
		
00:15:33 --> 00:15:35
			something that's just human biology.
		
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			It's natural that no matter who you marry
		
00:15:37 --> 00:15:39
			even if it's the most beautiful person in
		
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			the world you marry a beautiful woman or
		
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			she marries a beautiful man after a day
		
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			two three four a year they become normal
		
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			in their eyes.
		
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			Like you're not stunned by their beauty every
		
00:15:53 --> 00:15:55
			day of your life that you see them
		
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			just like you were the first time.
		
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			You get accustomed to them and so then
		
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			what attracts you beyond that becomes their inner
		
00:16:03 --> 00:16:03
			beauty.
		
00:16:04 --> 00:16:07
			Their inner beauty is that gravitational force that
		
00:16:07 --> 00:16:10
			continues to pull you in every day of
		
00:16:10 --> 00:16:12
			your life and your beauty changes.
		
00:16:13 --> 00:16:14
			Obviously that's natural.
		
00:16:15 --> 00:16:17
			That person 10 years down the line or
		
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			20 years or 30 years down the line
		
00:16:19 --> 00:16:20
			and we see these couples who have 30
		
00:16:20 --> 00:16:22
			years in and they're still very much in
		
00:16:22 --> 00:16:25
			love and still see each other very much
		
00:16:25 --> 00:16:25
			as beautiful.
		
00:16:25 --> 00:16:27
			It's not that physical beauty anymore.
		
00:16:27 --> 00:16:28
			Their skin is wrinkly.
		
00:16:28 --> 00:16:30
			Their hair has less life.
		
00:16:30 --> 00:16:32
			They've gained and lost weight a hundred times
		
00:16:32 --> 00:16:33
			over.
		
00:16:33 --> 00:16:35
			They've gone through illness even as that person
		
00:16:35 --> 00:16:38
			is by their side in their illness.
		
00:16:38 --> 00:16:40
			They still see them as beautiful and they
		
00:16:40 --> 00:16:43
			still love them and they still have that
		
00:16:43 --> 00:16:47
			affinity toward them that's transferred from Mawadda.
		
00:16:47 --> 00:16:52
			Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says Allah says
		
00:16:52 --> 00:16:54
			he made between you Mawadda and Rahma.
		
00:16:54 --> 00:16:58
			Mawadda is that type of playful love that
		
00:16:58 --> 00:17:01
			would that's there at the beginning but Allah
		
00:17:01 --> 00:17:03
			subhanahu wa ta'ala also says Rahma.
		
00:17:03 --> 00:17:06
			At a point in the marriage it also
		
00:17:06 --> 00:17:08
			transfers into something that's called mercy.
		
00:17:08 --> 00:17:10
			Where you have that love for each other
		
00:17:10 --> 00:17:12
			that's deep and you have that care for
		
00:17:12 --> 00:17:13
			each other.
		
00:17:13 --> 00:17:16
			It's not about a playful youthful love anymore
		
00:17:16 --> 00:17:18
			but it's that deep mercy that you have
		
00:17:18 --> 00:17:20
			for one another and so my point is
		
00:17:20 --> 00:17:22
			that it's very important that people don't get
		
00:17:22 --> 00:17:25
			married for the idea that this person is
		
00:17:25 --> 00:17:27
			now going to make me lower my gaze
		
00:17:27 --> 00:17:28
			from everybody.
		
00:17:28 --> 00:17:29
			That's not going to be the case.
		
00:17:29 --> 00:17:31
			There's no person you can marry beautiful enough
		
00:17:31 --> 00:17:35
			that will cloak the beauty of every other
		
00:17:35 --> 00:17:36
			person on earth.
		
00:17:36 --> 00:17:38
			That's not going to happen but what can
		
00:17:38 --> 00:17:40
			happen is that a person appreciates what they
		
00:17:40 --> 00:17:42
			have and they have taqwa of Allah subhanahu
		
00:17:42 --> 00:17:45
			wa ta'ala and they guard their gaze
		
00:17:45 --> 00:17:46
			and guard their desires.
		
00:17:46 --> 00:17:47
			Very good.
		
00:17:48 --> 00:17:50
			Thank you Asher for that setup.
		
00:17:52 --> 00:17:58
			Okay so so we said that there are
		
00:17:58 --> 00:18:00
			going to be some things that are non
		
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			-negotiable and certain things that are going to
		
00:18:01 --> 00:18:02
			be negotiable.
		
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			The things that the Prophet ﷺ gave us
		
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			are general guidelines which is these are things
		
00:18:06 --> 00:18:09
			that a person should look for and then
		
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			you have your own personal non-negotiables.
		
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			There are some people who you tell them
		
00:18:14 --> 00:18:15
			you know what are you looking for and
		
00:18:15 --> 00:18:18
			they say no matter what I can't marry
		
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			somebody who's x y and z and people
		
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			have their you know sister might be tall
		
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			and she says I just can't marry somebody
		
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			who's shorter than me.
		
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			I just need somebody tall.
		
00:18:27 --> 00:18:28
			Okay that's a that's a non-negotiable for
		
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			her or a guy says I need a
		
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			sister who has these qualifications or she's she
		
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			has a degree or whatever it is that
		
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			people have.
		
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			A person who speaks this language.
		
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			I speak this language at home and I
		
00:18:42 --> 00:18:44
			need somebody who speaks this language.
		
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			So people have their non-negotiables but also
		
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			needing to have the maturity to recognize that
		
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			for the right person for the right person
		
00:18:54 --> 00:18:56
			things that were non-negotiable might become negotiable.
		
00:18:56 --> 00:18:59
			The idea of having like a list of
		
00:18:59 --> 00:19:00
			things that you're looking for is just so
		
00:19:00 --> 00:19:03
			that you know the ballpark of where you
		
00:19:03 --> 00:19:05
			like the general zip code of where you
		
00:19:05 --> 00:19:05
			want to land.
		
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			That you can easily recognize if this is
		
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			someone that I want to entertain this somebody
		
00:19:10 --> 00:19:12
			that I want to consider or this is
		
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			somebody that I'm just not interested in.
		
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			That brings up the the one of our
		
00:19:16 --> 00:19:17
			major questions which is the idea of cultural
		
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			background.
		
00:19:19 --> 00:19:22
			That's considered for some people a negotiable and
		
00:19:22 --> 00:19:23
			some a non-negotiable.
		
00:19:25 --> 00:19:27
			Is cultural background important?
		
00:19:29 --> 00:19:29
			Wow.
		
00:19:32 --> 00:19:33
			We have a lot of yeses and we
		
00:19:33 --> 00:19:34
			have a lot of nos.
		
00:19:35 --> 00:19:36
			Those who say that it is important.
		
00:19:36 --> 00:19:37
			Why do you say that it's important?
		
00:19:38 --> 00:19:38
			Yes, Musa.
		
00:19:40 --> 00:19:42
			Let's hear from our 16 year old.
		
00:19:46 --> 00:19:49
			So for a lot of us, right, I
		
00:19:49 --> 00:19:50
			think most of us grew up in the
		
00:19:50 --> 00:19:53
			U.S. but our parents English might not
		
00:19:53 --> 00:19:54
			necessarily be their first language.
		
00:19:54 --> 00:19:54
			Okay.
		
00:19:55 --> 00:19:56
			And a lot of people even if they
		
00:19:56 --> 00:19:58
			do speak it they lose their part of
		
00:19:58 --> 00:19:59
			their personality.
		
00:20:00 --> 00:20:00
			Okay.
		
00:20:00 --> 00:20:04
			So if you're an Egyptian and you're marrying
		
00:20:04 --> 00:20:07
			someone who's Pakistani and they don't speak Arabic
		
00:20:07 --> 00:20:10
			and your mom only speaks Arabic or she
		
00:20:10 --> 00:20:13
			speaks English but very formally then they're going
		
00:20:13 --> 00:20:16
			to have a limited relationship with your whichever
		
00:20:16 --> 00:20:17
			person I said that.
		
00:20:17 --> 00:20:18
			Okay.
		
00:20:23 --> 00:20:25
			So that's the you're for or against?
		
00:20:29 --> 00:20:32
			Okay so who's basically saying culture doesn't matter?
		
00:20:33 --> 00:20:34
			Go ahead.
		
00:20:35 --> 00:20:36
			Asher right there.
		
00:20:37 --> 00:20:38
			Okay.
		
00:20:38 --> 00:20:40
			So did the Prophet ﷺ marry outside his
		
00:20:40 --> 00:20:40
			culture?
		
00:20:41 --> 00:20:42
			Who did he marry?
		
00:20:45 --> 00:20:45
			Safiyya.
		
00:20:45 --> 00:20:46
			Safiyya bint Huyayy.
		
00:20:46 --> 00:20:47
			She was ethnically what?
		
00:20:48 --> 00:20:48
			She was Jewish.
		
00:20:49 --> 00:20:50
			So the Prophet ﷺ married outside his culture.
		
00:20:51 --> 00:20:56
			And Allah ﷻ says in the in the
		
00:20:56 --> 00:20:57
			verse in Surat Ar-Rum, what is it?
		
00:20:59 --> 00:21:03
			Allah ﷻ says and from his signs is
		
00:21:03 --> 00:21:07
			that he created for you spouses but also
		
00:21:07 --> 00:21:09
			Allah ﷻ says in the same sequence from
		
00:21:09 --> 00:21:14
			his signs is the the difference in your
		
00:21:14 --> 00:21:16
			tongues and your colors.
		
00:21:18 --> 00:21:22
			From Allah ﷻ signs is this mosaic that
		
00:21:22 --> 00:21:24
			we have and the Muslim community is probably
		
00:21:24 --> 00:21:27
			one of the most diverse communities.
		
00:21:27 --> 00:21:29
			You go into a masjid and this is
		
00:21:29 --> 00:21:30
			what you see.
		
00:21:30 --> 00:21:31
			You see every race present in front of
		
00:21:31 --> 00:21:32
			you.
		
00:21:33 --> 00:21:36
			And so the question then becomes I think
		
00:21:36 --> 00:21:39
			if we were to ask everybody here we'd
		
00:21:39 --> 00:21:42
			probably get different answers from almost everybody because
		
00:21:42 --> 00:21:44
			it is a very personal question and it's
		
00:21:44 --> 00:21:46
			one that everybody has to answer themselves.
		
00:21:47 --> 00:21:49
			Is culture something that's important to you?
		
00:21:49 --> 00:21:52
			And by culture we have a shared American
		
00:21:52 --> 00:21:53
			Muslim culture, right?
		
00:21:53 --> 00:21:56
			So we've all most likely eaten biryani at
		
00:21:56 --> 00:21:57
			some point in our time in our lives.
		
00:21:57 --> 00:22:00
			We've all eaten Kunafa.
		
00:22:00 --> 00:22:02
			We've all eaten all of these foods that
		
00:22:02 --> 00:22:05
			are kind of you know they've become part
		
00:22:05 --> 00:22:08
			of the Muslim American experience even though they
		
00:22:08 --> 00:22:11
			might not be our ethnic cultural foods from
		
00:22:11 --> 00:22:14
			wherever particular country we're from but we all
		
00:22:14 --> 00:22:18
			have this shared experience of the Muslim American
		
00:22:18 --> 00:22:18
			experience.
		
00:22:18 --> 00:22:22
			That being said all of our families are
		
00:22:22 --> 00:22:25
			different and I always like to tell people
		
00:22:25 --> 00:22:28
			that if it's you have families that are
		
00:22:28 --> 00:22:29
			very cultural and you have families that aren't.
		
00:22:30 --> 00:22:32
			And a family that's very cultural is a
		
00:22:32 --> 00:22:35
			family like you know you speak your language
		
00:22:35 --> 00:22:38
			of origin at home and you're decent at
		
00:22:38 --> 00:22:39
			it or you're fluent at it even.
		
00:22:40 --> 00:22:41
			Some of you might even be fluent at
		
00:22:41 --> 00:22:41
			it.
		
00:22:41 --> 00:22:45
			You spent times a period of time overseas.
		
00:22:46 --> 00:22:48
			Your parents sent you back or they sent
		
00:22:48 --> 00:22:51
			you for the summers and that's where you
		
00:22:51 --> 00:22:51
			would spend your summers.
		
00:22:51 --> 00:22:53
			You would spend your summers in that country.
		
00:22:53 --> 00:22:56
			You would go back home and so that
		
00:22:56 --> 00:22:59
			level of investment from them they may expect
		
00:22:59 --> 00:23:01
			that you're going to marry somebody from your
		
00:23:01 --> 00:23:05
			particular culture and that's where like Musa said
		
00:23:05 --> 00:23:08
			that's where your parents are their fullest.
		
00:23:08 --> 00:23:11
			That's where they're most comfortable is when they're
		
00:23:11 --> 00:23:12
			speaking their language of origin.
		
00:23:12 --> 00:23:14
			They might not even speak English and so
		
00:23:14 --> 00:23:16
			then when you're bringing somebody from an outside
		
00:23:16 --> 00:23:21
			culture you're always going to have that aspect
		
00:23:21 --> 00:23:25
			of someone needing to be translated to and
		
00:23:25 --> 00:23:28
			a lot gets lost in translation and maybe
		
00:23:28 --> 00:23:31
			even that affects your future relationship because after
		
00:23:31 --> 00:23:32
			marriage you know you think of it as
		
00:23:32 --> 00:23:36
			a spouse but very quickly it becomes all
		
00:23:36 --> 00:23:37
			about this family and the raising of these
		
00:23:37 --> 00:23:41
			children and wanting to if you're the type
		
00:23:41 --> 00:23:43
			that's going to want to include your in
		
00:23:43 --> 00:23:46
			-laws or your family in that process then
		
00:23:46 --> 00:23:50
			making them as comfortable as possible maybe with
		
00:23:50 --> 00:23:53
			them having a familiarity with the culture of
		
00:23:53 --> 00:23:55
			your spouse as well then all of that
		
00:23:55 --> 00:23:56
			becomes easier.
		
00:23:56 --> 00:23:58
			I don't want to speak in absolutes.
		
00:23:58 --> 00:24:00
			There's exceptions to everything so take all of
		
00:24:00 --> 00:24:01
			this with a grain of thought but this
		
00:24:01 --> 00:24:03
			is this is food for thought and then
		
00:24:03 --> 00:24:05
			you have families that are not like that
		
00:24:05 --> 00:24:05
			at all.
		
00:24:05 --> 00:24:07
			Their summers were not spent overseas.
		
00:24:07 --> 00:24:09
			Their summers were spent in the United States.
		
00:24:10 --> 00:24:12
			Their parents speak English at home.
		
00:24:12 --> 00:24:13
			You speak English.
		
00:24:13 --> 00:24:15
			You don't speak your language of origin too
		
00:24:15 --> 00:24:18
			much and then it doesn't for that person
		
00:24:18 --> 00:24:21
			it's not going to make much of a
		
00:24:21 --> 00:24:23
			difference with regards to who they marry from
		
00:24:23 --> 00:24:27
			whatever culture right and that really opens up
		
00:24:27 --> 00:24:28
			for everybody.
		
00:24:28 --> 00:24:30
			Not to say that parents who have that
		
00:24:30 --> 00:24:33
			particular ethnic background that I described earlier can't
		
00:24:33 --> 00:24:36
			open up for the right person but it
		
00:24:36 --> 00:24:39
			just becomes a matter of navigating all of
		
00:24:39 --> 00:24:41
			these aspects and just paying attention to these
		
00:24:41 --> 00:24:42
			details and Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A
		
00:24:42 --> 00:24:43
			'la knows best.
		
00:24:46 --> 00:24:49
			Yeah any comments on this this part or
		
00:24:49 --> 00:24:50
			questions inshallah before we move on?
		
00:24:51 --> 00:24:51
			Yes.
		
00:24:52 --> 00:24:53
			Can a person from the first category who
		
00:24:53 --> 00:24:55
			has a very strong culture marry someone from
		
00:24:55 --> 00:24:57
			the second category who doesn't necessarily have it?
		
00:24:58 --> 00:24:59
			Yeah that might be easier than two people
		
00:24:59 --> 00:25:03
			who have two very very very dominant cultures
		
00:25:03 --> 00:25:04
			that are competing.
		
00:25:04 --> 00:25:06
			That might be easier and Allah Subh'anaHu
		
00:25:06 --> 00:25:07
			Wa Ta-A'la knows best but the
		
00:25:07 --> 00:25:10
			idea of paying attention to culture anything else
		
00:25:10 --> 00:25:12
			with regards to the topic of culture?
		
00:25:13 --> 00:25:16
			I mean there's a lot of different dynamics
		
00:25:16 --> 00:25:18
			that play if a person is a revert
		
00:25:18 --> 00:25:20
			and accepts Islam.
		
00:25:20 --> 00:25:23
			My sister is married to a revert and
		
00:25:23 --> 00:25:29
			I mean he's a very practicing Muslim, a
		
00:25:29 --> 00:25:31
			student of knowledge, has a degree in Islamic
		
00:25:31 --> 00:25:37
			studies, he's more absorbed in the Sudanese community
		
00:25:37 --> 00:25:40
			than a lot of Sudanese kids to be
		
00:25:40 --> 00:25:43
			honest like so and in that sense sometimes
		
00:25:43 --> 00:25:46
			marrying a revert and again I don't want
		
00:25:46 --> 00:25:49
			to generalize but this is what I've seen
		
00:25:49 --> 00:25:54
			as well is that sometimes they're because they've
		
00:25:54 --> 00:25:59
			already shed so much they've shed the religion
		
00:25:59 --> 00:26:01
			that they had and they've gone against their
		
00:26:01 --> 00:26:05
			family at times and you know they're very
		
00:26:05 --> 00:26:08
			willing at least that's what I found very
		
00:26:08 --> 00:26:10
			willing to to be a part of your
		
00:26:10 --> 00:26:13
			family right in whatever way that that looks
		
00:26:13 --> 00:26:16
			and so I've actually seen less of an
		
00:26:16 --> 00:26:19
			issue with reverts in that sense although they're
		
00:26:19 --> 00:26:21
			still navigating a lot of different things of
		
00:26:21 --> 00:26:24
			course because they're not divorcing from their family
		
00:26:24 --> 00:26:26
			there's their family's still non-Muslim and you
		
00:26:26 --> 00:26:28
			have to have those considerations in place but
		
00:26:28 --> 00:26:34
			it's those are just the considerations that you
		
00:26:34 --> 00:26:36
			have to have now is that when your
		
00:26:37 --> 00:26:41
			your family or your children are in the
		
00:26:41 --> 00:26:45
			company of his family their grandparents their aunts
		
00:26:45 --> 00:26:46
			and uncles and all of that type of
		
00:26:46 --> 00:26:49
			stuff is that they're non-Muslim and so
		
00:26:49 --> 00:26:52
			you just have to pay attention how with
		
00:26:52 --> 00:26:56
			regards to how they are how your children
		
00:26:56 --> 00:26:58
			are kept basically if they're in their homes
		
00:26:58 --> 00:27:01
			whether it's food or whether it's what they
		
00:27:01 --> 00:27:02
			have access to as far as what they
		
00:27:02 --> 00:27:05
			watch or any change in values and if
		
00:27:05 --> 00:27:07
			they're respectful with regards to your values that's
		
00:27:07 --> 00:27:09
			pretty much it but I think that it's
		
00:27:09 --> 00:27:12
			something that is definitely can be worked on
		
00:27:12 --> 00:27:15
			and resolved if the family is supportive of
		
00:27:15 --> 00:27:22
			his deed yeah allahu akbar okay so that
		
00:27:22 --> 00:27:24
			being said we have some questions here that
		
00:27:24 --> 00:27:25
			I want to address real quick which is
		
00:27:25 --> 00:27:29
			is there a point in the marriage process
		
00:27:29 --> 00:27:31
			where you can make dua for something to
		
00:27:31 --> 00:27:32
			be your potential spouse by name rather than
		
00:27:32 --> 00:27:35
			using your more general marriage duas so at
		
00:27:35 --> 00:27:37
			what point can you just start asking oh
		
00:27:37 --> 00:27:39
			Allah allow me to marry so and so
		
00:27:39 --> 00:27:41
			I think it's fine for you to ask
		
00:27:41 --> 00:27:42
			Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to allow you
		
00:27:42 --> 00:27:44
			to marry so and so I just you
		
00:27:44 --> 00:27:46
			know again you just have to be ready
		
00:27:46 --> 00:27:48
			for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to tell
		
00:27:48 --> 00:27:52
			you no so if you go in on
		
00:27:52 --> 00:27:55
			this one person that's the dua of istikhara
		
00:27:55 --> 00:27:57
			the dua of istikhara is you say oh
		
00:27:57 --> 00:27:58
			Allah and if you know this person isn't
		
00:27:58 --> 00:28:00
			good for me then divert it away from
		
00:28:00 --> 00:28:01
			me and make me pleased with it and
		
00:28:01 --> 00:28:03
			so I can make dua for whatever I
		
00:28:03 --> 00:28:05
			want in this world that's fine but if
		
00:28:05 --> 00:28:08
			you don't get it then also be content
		
00:28:08 --> 00:28:10
			that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wrote something
		
00:28:10 --> 00:28:14
			better for you and then people ask the
		
00:28:14 --> 00:28:15
			question they say when when when can I
		
00:28:15 --> 00:28:17
			stop making dua for it like when should
		
00:28:17 --> 00:28:21
			I if you're attending their wedding stop making
		
00:28:21 --> 00:28:25
			dua if you're there at the wedding saying
		
00:28:25 --> 00:28:37
			stop making dua okay is
		
00:28:37 --> 00:28:38
			it okay if you don't want to get
		
00:28:38 --> 00:28:41
			married will your deen still be complete I
		
00:28:41 --> 00:28:43
			would be very interested in what the age
		
00:28:43 --> 00:28:47
			is of this person but you know because
		
00:28:47 --> 00:28:49
			sometimes if this person is young sometimes at
		
00:28:49 --> 00:28:51
			20 21 22 23 you're like I don't
		
00:28:51 --> 00:28:52
			want to get married 24 I don't want
		
00:28:52 --> 00:28:53
			to get married 25 I don't want to
		
00:28:53 --> 00:28:55
			get married just ask the people who are
		
00:28:55 --> 00:28:58
			older than you and I think one of
		
00:28:58 --> 00:29:00
			the most important things honestly that a person
		
00:29:00 --> 00:29:02
			can do when they're young is to consult
		
00:29:02 --> 00:29:05
			people who are married and older than them
		
00:29:05 --> 00:29:07
			you don't want to have an eco-chamber
		
00:29:07 --> 00:29:09
			of people who are your age people who
		
00:29:09 --> 00:29:10
			are you know your status if you're single
		
00:29:10 --> 00:29:13
			that's the people who are you know feeding
		
00:29:13 --> 00:29:17
			you I won't say that but just they're
		
00:29:17 --> 00:29:19
			they're the ones who are your sounding board
		
00:29:19 --> 00:29:21
			you want to have people even as you're
		
00:29:21 --> 00:29:24
			going through the process of getting to know
		
00:29:24 --> 00:29:26
			somebody for the purpose of marriage I would
		
00:29:26 --> 00:29:28
			highly encourage that you have some sort of
		
00:29:28 --> 00:29:31
			mentor for you somebody who's married already somebody
		
00:29:31 --> 00:29:35
			who you can talk to about the process
		
00:29:35 --> 00:29:36
			someone who you can even talk to about
		
00:29:36 --> 00:29:38
			the person that you're you know that you're
		
00:29:38 --> 00:29:41
			talking to as opposed to just having your
		
00:29:41 --> 00:29:44
			single friends as the people that you're sharing
		
00:29:44 --> 00:29:45
			all of this information with and then it
		
00:29:45 --> 00:29:47
			becomes the blind leading the blind and then
		
00:29:47 --> 00:29:49
			you end up in a ditch and you
		
00:29:49 --> 00:29:51
			know I mean it's it's having people who
		
00:29:51 --> 00:29:54
			are in the game because they'll also be
		
00:29:54 --> 00:29:57
			able to they'll also be able to kind
		
00:29:57 --> 00:30:00
			of dial down your expectations or your idealism
		
00:30:00 --> 00:30:03
			you know and I remember I remember you
		
00:30:03 --> 00:30:05
			know that happening a lot where you have
		
00:30:05 --> 00:30:07
			your older brothers sisters people who are you
		
00:30:07 --> 00:30:09
			know married 10 15 20 years 30 years
		
00:30:09 --> 00:30:11
			telling you what's important and what's not important
		
00:30:11 --> 00:30:14
			and what's idealistic and what's Hollywood and what's
		
00:30:14 --> 00:30:17
			nonsense and this and that otherwise you're you
		
00:30:17 --> 00:30:18
			know sitting with your friends and you guys
		
00:30:18 --> 00:30:20
			are both you know coming up with this
		
00:30:20 --> 00:30:23
			ideal scenario and you're all in lala land
		
00:30:23 --> 00:30:26
			and you know you you end up again
		
00:30:26 --> 00:30:28
			having the wrong expectation with regards to marriage
		
00:30:28 --> 00:30:31
			and so communicating with you know you know
		
00:30:31 --> 00:30:34
			find again that aunt or auntie or uncle
		
00:30:34 --> 00:30:37
			who's got 30 years and four years in
		
00:30:37 --> 00:30:39
			and ask them and be guided by them
		
00:30:39 --> 00:30:42
			or your older brother or sister who's been
		
00:30:42 --> 00:30:44
			married for five ten years and and learn
		
00:30:44 --> 00:30:46
			from them as well you know and let
		
00:30:46 --> 00:30:48
			them be your sounding board I think it'll
		
00:30:48 --> 00:30:56
			allow you to benefit a lot so what's
		
00:30:56 --> 00:30:58
			your viewpoint on muslim men in today's society
		
00:30:58 --> 00:31:01
			marrying christian and jewish women the guys know
		
00:31:01 --> 00:31:03
			my viewpoint on that I don't do those
		
00:31:03 --> 00:31:05
			contracts personally if a person comes to me
		
00:31:05 --> 00:31:09
			and asks me to marry a non-muslim
		
00:31:09 --> 00:31:14
			woman and it's halal but it's not everything
		
00:31:14 --> 00:31:16
			that's halal is a good idea and every
		
00:31:16 --> 00:31:19
			time in place and the reason why is
		
00:31:19 --> 00:31:22
			because marriage becomes the merging of families like
		
00:31:22 --> 00:31:25
			I said you know when you're getting married
		
00:31:25 --> 00:31:27
			you're thinking about this person but if you're
		
00:31:27 --> 00:31:30
			wise and if you have a good supporting
		
00:31:30 --> 00:31:32
			team around you they're going to hammer into
		
00:31:32 --> 00:31:35
			your head that marriage is the merging of
		
00:31:35 --> 00:31:40
			families and that family that you're marrying those
		
00:31:40 --> 00:31:41
			are going to be the grandparents of your
		
00:31:41 --> 00:31:43
			kids those are going to be the aunts
		
00:31:43 --> 00:31:44
			and uncles of your kids those are going
		
00:31:44 --> 00:31:46
			to be and it's hard enough to raise
		
00:31:46 --> 00:31:49
			kids in you know in the United States
		
00:31:49 --> 00:31:51
			it's already hard enough we're already playing this
		
00:31:51 --> 00:31:54
			game on hard some people want to play
		
00:31:54 --> 00:31:58
			the game on super hard some people want
		
00:31:58 --> 00:32:02
			to play the game on near impossible and
		
00:32:02 --> 00:32:04
			that's what happens when you marry I believe
		
00:32:04 --> 00:32:06
			when you marry a non-muslim woman if
		
00:32:06 --> 00:32:08
			a guy marries a non-muslim woman then
		
00:32:08 --> 00:32:10
			you're basically saying inshallah I plan on having
		
00:32:10 --> 00:32:14
			children with you and the divorce rate is
		
00:32:14 --> 00:32:17
			50% already in this country in which
		
00:32:17 --> 00:32:19
			case you're going to have custody of my
		
00:32:19 --> 00:32:21
			kids and I'll get them on the weekends
		
00:32:21 --> 00:32:26
			maybe and I'm trusting that for some reason
		
00:32:26 --> 00:32:28
			you're going to want to raise the Muslim
		
00:32:28 --> 00:32:30
			even if I don't have them I mean
		
00:32:30 --> 00:32:32
			who would take a risk like that what
		
00:32:32 --> 00:32:35
			rational person would take a risk like that
		
00:32:35 --> 00:32:38
			Ibrahim bin Adham a man came to him
		
00:32:38 --> 00:32:40
			and he said I want some advice from
		
00:32:40 --> 00:32:41
			you on raising my son and he said
		
00:32:41 --> 00:32:43
			to him how old is your son he
		
00:32:43 --> 00:32:45
			said he's one month old he said he's
		
00:32:45 --> 00:32:48
			you're too late he said to him you're
		
00:32:48 --> 00:32:50
			too late what was his point his point
		
00:32:50 --> 00:32:53
			was he said if you cared about raising
		
00:32:53 --> 00:32:54
			your son truly then you would have come
		
00:32:54 --> 00:32:56
			to me for advice when you were choosing
		
00:32:56 --> 00:33:00
			the mother of the child and the scholars
		
00:33:00 --> 00:33:02
			say that the first right that your child
		
00:33:02 --> 00:33:04
			has over you is that you choose for
		
00:33:04 --> 00:33:06
			them the right mom that's the first right
		
00:33:06 --> 00:33:08
			and so when a person is marrying a
		
00:33:08 --> 00:33:11
			Jewish or a Christian woman are there exceptions
		
00:33:11 --> 00:33:14
			yes of course I mean I'm always going
		
00:33:14 --> 00:33:15
			to tell you with everything that I'm saying
		
00:33:15 --> 00:33:17
			there's going to be exceptions I know people
		
00:33:17 --> 00:33:20
			mashaAllah righteous families where a man married a
		
00:33:20 --> 00:33:24
			non-Muslim woman and the daughters mashaAllah are
		
00:33:24 --> 00:33:26
			you know half a lot of the Quran
		
00:33:26 --> 00:33:30
			and the mother after 25 years or something
		
00:33:30 --> 00:33:33
			like that she herself accepted Islam does that
		
00:33:33 --> 00:33:35
			happen yes it happens but what's the percentage
		
00:33:35 --> 00:33:40
			of that you know so that's a gamble
		
00:33:40 --> 00:33:41
			that I wouldn't and then at the same
		
00:33:41 --> 00:33:44
			time it's like who's going to marry the
		
00:33:44 --> 00:33:46
			Muslim us if the guys are going and
		
00:33:46 --> 00:33:49
			marrying non-Muslim women who's going to marry
		
00:33:49 --> 00:33:51
			the Muslim us then again there's an idea
		
00:33:51 --> 00:33:56
			here of loving a very important concept in
		
00:33:56 --> 00:33:57
			marriage which is loving for the sake of
		
00:33:57 --> 00:34:00
			Allah it's a very important concept which is
		
00:34:00 --> 00:34:02
			to love for the sake of Allah you
		
00:34:02 --> 00:34:06
			know we kind of you know jokingly say
		
00:34:06 --> 00:34:08
			that you should never tell your wife that
		
00:34:08 --> 00:34:09
			you love her for the sake of Allah
		
00:34:09 --> 00:34:11
			obviously you don't tell your wife I love
		
00:34:11 --> 00:34:12
			you for the sake of Allah you don't
		
00:34:12 --> 00:34:14
			tell her that but you should love her
		
00:34:14 --> 00:34:16
			for the sake of Allah you should love
		
00:34:16 --> 00:34:17
			her for the sake of Allah if I
		
00:34:17 --> 00:34:19
			love people for the sake of Allah the
		
00:34:19 --> 00:34:21
			people who are most deserving of being loved
		
00:34:21 --> 00:34:23
			for the sake of Allah are those who
		
00:34:23 --> 00:34:26
			are closest to me I naturally love my
		
00:34:26 --> 00:34:29
			parents yes but guess what even if I
		
00:34:29 --> 00:34:30
			don't naturally love them I should love them
		
00:34:30 --> 00:34:32
			for the sake of Allah I naturally love
		
00:34:32 --> 00:34:34
			my wife yes but even when I don't
		
00:34:34 --> 00:34:36
			feel like I love her I should love
		
00:34:36 --> 00:34:37
			her for the sake of Allah if I
		
00:34:37 --> 00:34:39
			love her for the sake of Allah then
		
00:34:39 --> 00:34:41
			I won't wrong her because I'll always be
		
00:34:41 --> 00:34:44
			doing for her what Allah subhanahu wa ta
		
00:34:44 --> 00:34:46
			'ala loves for me to do for her
		
00:34:46 --> 00:34:49
			and I will always no matter what she
		
00:34:49 --> 00:34:51
			does for me or doesn't do for me
		
00:34:51 --> 00:34:53
			I'm not responding to how she treats me
		
00:34:53 --> 00:34:56
			I'm responding to how Allah subhanahu wa ta
		
00:34:56 --> 00:34:58
			'ala commands it's not about her anymore it
		
00:34:58 --> 00:35:00
			becomes about this is my way of worshiping
		
00:35:00 --> 00:35:02
			Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and the same
		
00:35:02 --> 00:35:05
			thing with the woman if she loves her
		
00:35:05 --> 00:35:06
			husband for the sake of Allah then it
		
00:35:06 --> 00:35:09
			becomes a manifestation of her worshiping Allah subhanahu
		
00:35:09 --> 00:35:12
			wa ta'ala that's very very powerful and
		
00:35:12 --> 00:35:20
			so anyway that's about marrying non-Muslim women
		
00:35:20 --> 00:35:24
			so um I do want to just end
		
00:35:24 --> 00:35:34
			with some red flags inshallah ta'ala uh
		
00:35:34 --> 00:35:37
			what's your advice for women 30 under 30
		
00:35:37 --> 00:35:41
			no greater than 30 or 35 who are
		
00:35:41 --> 00:35:43
			being rejected due to age even by the
		
00:35:43 --> 00:35:46
			men the same age or older than them
		
00:35:47 --> 00:35:51
			is to have sabr to have sabr you
		
00:35:51 --> 00:35:52
			know I got a call from a brother
		
00:35:52 --> 00:35:55
			mashallah a couple of uh just two weeks
		
00:35:55 --> 00:35:57
			ago was it it was last week he
		
00:35:57 --> 00:35:59
			calls me and he says I'm at the
		
00:35:59 --> 00:36:03
			nikah of my mother he said we just
		
00:36:03 --> 00:36:06
			did the nikah of my mom yeah I
		
00:36:06 --> 00:36:10
			was like mashallah that's interesting and beautiful you
		
00:36:10 --> 00:36:14
			know it's interesting and beautiful but you know
		
00:36:14 --> 00:36:16
			I mean people find marriage at all ages
		
00:36:16 --> 00:36:19
			it's not at just that 30 or 35
		
00:36:19 --> 00:36:21
			or 40 or 45 or 50 or 55
		
00:36:21 --> 00:36:23
			people get married all the time and all
		
00:36:23 --> 00:36:26
			ages and so a person having to look
		
00:36:26 --> 00:36:30
			and making dua for it with sincerity and
		
00:36:30 --> 00:36:32
			taking the means and by taking the means
		
00:36:32 --> 00:36:34
			I guess we should talk about this what
		
00:36:34 --> 00:36:35
			are the means that are available for people
		
00:36:35 --> 00:36:37
			to get married and to find people now
		
00:36:38 --> 00:36:43
			what are the means that we got 2025
		
00:36:43 --> 00:36:50
			what's our what's our main avenues so the
		
00:36:50 --> 00:36:53
			aunties okay very good so we have the
		
00:36:53 --> 00:37:00
			aunties number one what else okay so muslim
		
00:37:00 --> 00:37:04
			organizations what else we have the apps that's
		
00:37:04 --> 00:37:13
			three um you have direct uh communication what
		
00:37:13 --> 00:37:20
			else what other avenues you have families friends
		
00:37:22 --> 00:37:29
			six okay so you have you have basically
		
00:37:29 --> 00:37:32
			these types of uh these types of options
		
00:37:32 --> 00:37:39
			you know when um when we're looking at
		
00:37:39 --> 00:37:40
			all of these types of things there are
		
00:37:40 --> 00:37:43
			certain guidelines doesn't matter whether it's online or
		
00:37:43 --> 00:37:46
			whether it's in person and those guidelines are
		
00:37:46 --> 00:37:49
			general guideline number one is halwa is not
		
00:37:49 --> 00:37:52
			allowed the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said
		
00:37:52 --> 00:37:54
			let no man be alone with a woman
		
00:37:54 --> 00:37:56
			except that there's with them a mahram and
		
00:37:56 --> 00:37:58
			he says that no man is is alone
		
00:37:58 --> 00:38:00
			with a woman except that shaitan is their
		
00:38:00 --> 00:38:05
			third so that's online that's uh in person
		
00:38:06 --> 00:38:08
			especially more in person and then when it
		
00:38:08 --> 00:38:12
			comes to online that a person always makes
		
00:38:12 --> 00:38:13
			sure that they err on the side of
		
00:38:13 --> 00:38:16
			caution and that they don't exchange photos or
		
00:38:16 --> 00:38:18
			even in the engagement period they don't exchange
		
00:38:18 --> 00:38:20
			all of these things because when relationships end
		
00:38:20 --> 00:38:23
			you don't want a person to have access
		
00:38:23 --> 00:38:26
			to these photos or images or anything like
		
00:38:26 --> 00:38:28
			that and that that a lot that person
		
00:38:28 --> 00:38:30
			is vengeful or vindictive or what have you
		
00:38:30 --> 00:38:32
			then you have a lot of sorrow and
		
00:38:32 --> 00:38:35
			a lot of stress so making sure that
		
00:38:35 --> 00:38:37
			you preserve all of these types of things
		
00:38:37 --> 00:38:41
			number three the idea of general modesty and
		
00:38:41 --> 00:38:45
			shame from both parties and a person truly
		
00:38:45 --> 00:38:49
			asking questions for the purpose of getting to
		
00:38:49 --> 00:38:52
			know whether this person is someone who's a
		
00:38:52 --> 00:38:54
			someone who is appropriate for marriage for me
		
00:38:54 --> 00:38:57
			again having your negotiables and non-negotiables clear
		
00:38:57 --> 00:38:59
			so that you're just not wasting time there
		
00:38:59 --> 00:39:01
			are lots of reasons why a person shouldn't
		
00:39:01 --> 00:39:03
			get married and i'm just going to mention
		
00:39:03 --> 00:39:08
			three quickly just because it's number one is
		
00:39:08 --> 00:39:10
			a person shouldn't get married because of pressure
		
00:39:10 --> 00:39:12
			so this sister here who's asking this question
		
00:39:12 --> 00:39:15
			30 35 what should i do a person
		
00:39:15 --> 00:39:17
			shouldn't get married because my biological clock is
		
00:39:17 --> 00:39:20
			ticking because when you're feeling that type of
		
00:39:20 --> 00:39:23
			pressure then you end up in a bad
		
00:39:23 --> 00:39:26
			situation you end up lowering your standards for
		
00:39:26 --> 00:39:28
			yourself you end up saying yes to somebody
		
00:39:28 --> 00:39:30
			that you otherwise would end up and so
		
00:39:30 --> 00:39:34
			subhanallah uh you know you have disasters you
		
00:39:34 --> 00:39:36
			have a sister who might marry a guy
		
00:39:36 --> 00:39:38
			who's not religious at all just because you
		
00:39:38 --> 00:39:40
			know i need to get married and you
		
00:39:40 --> 00:39:42
			know i need to have a kid okay
		
00:39:42 --> 00:39:46
			so now not only are you because you
		
00:39:46 --> 00:39:49
			feel under pressure not only are you choosing
		
00:39:49 --> 00:39:51
			a bad spouse for yourself but you're choosing
		
00:39:51 --> 00:39:53
			a bad father for your kid which is
		
00:39:53 --> 00:39:56
			going to tie you from uh and make
		
00:39:56 --> 00:39:59
			you miserable for the rest of of this
		
00:39:59 --> 00:40:01
			child's life right so you don't marry because
		
00:40:01 --> 00:40:04
			of that sense of pressure you have to
		
00:40:04 --> 00:40:06
			look good on allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
		
00:40:06 --> 00:40:08
			and you seek out that which is that
		
00:40:08 --> 00:40:10
			which is best and number two a person
		
00:40:10 --> 00:40:12
			doesn't marry to get out of a bad
		
00:40:12 --> 00:40:14
			situation person doesn't marry because i can't stand
		
00:40:14 --> 00:40:16
			being at home and i want to leave
		
00:40:16 --> 00:40:18
			i need to i i need i need
		
00:40:18 --> 00:40:21
			to escape something a person doesn't get married
		
00:40:21 --> 00:40:25
			because they need to escape a person escapes
		
00:40:25 --> 00:40:26
			on their own and then they get married
		
00:40:26 --> 00:40:28
			with their head clear and with their heart
		
00:40:28 --> 00:40:31
			healed and entering into a situation that's healthy
		
00:40:31 --> 00:40:32
			for them so that they can be healthy
		
00:40:32 --> 00:40:34
			there's a lot of the reasons why people
		
00:40:34 --> 00:40:37
			uh have conflict in marriage is number one
		
00:40:37 --> 00:40:40
			they either married the wrong person or they
		
00:40:40 --> 00:40:42
			themselves are not the right person at the
		
00:40:42 --> 00:40:46
			time or they are they they married the
		
00:40:46 --> 00:40:50
			right person but they're loving them wrong and
		
00:40:50 --> 00:40:51
			we'll talk about that inshallah next week but
		
00:40:51 --> 00:40:55
			a person shouldn't get married because of pressure
		
00:40:55 --> 00:40:56
			they have to look good on allah subhanahu
		
00:40:56 --> 00:40:59
			wa ta'ala and inshallah allah subhanahu wa
		
00:40:59 --> 00:41:00
			ta'ala will write for them the right
		
00:41:00 --> 00:41:02
			person at the right time that being said
		
00:41:02 --> 00:41:06
			a person does strive so the idea of
		
00:41:06 --> 00:41:09
			just making dua and not putting in the
		
00:41:09 --> 00:41:10
			work no you need to put in the
		
00:41:10 --> 00:41:11
			work you need to put yourself out there
		
00:41:11 --> 00:41:14
			you need to you need to uh consider
		
00:41:14 --> 00:41:17
			people you know consider people that are reasonable
		
00:41:17 --> 00:41:19
			and if a person is you know one
		
00:41:19 --> 00:41:21
			of my big frustrations is when people just
		
00:41:21 --> 00:41:23
			say no based on photos or based on
		
00:41:23 --> 00:41:26
			um i actually don't even like people seeing
		
00:41:26 --> 00:41:28
			photos like just go and sit in front
		
00:41:28 --> 00:41:30
			of that person take the flight go visit
		
00:41:30 --> 00:41:32
			that family take the train go visit that
		
00:41:32 --> 00:41:34
			family i'm not i don't have a photo
		
00:41:34 --> 00:41:36
			for you so you can just tell me
		
00:41:36 --> 00:41:38
			no as if everybody is photogenic masha'a
		
00:41:38 --> 00:41:40
			allah and everybody's got the right light and
		
00:41:40 --> 00:41:42
			light angle and then hasn't there been a
		
00:41:42 --> 00:41:45
			million times where somebody from a photo you
		
00:41:45 --> 00:41:46
			wouldn't have given them a second thought but
		
00:41:46 --> 00:41:48
			when you sit in front of them you
		
00:41:48 --> 00:41:50
			feel a chemistry and you you know you
		
00:41:50 --> 00:41:52
			see their sense of humor and there are
		
00:41:52 --> 00:41:54
			other things that are attractive beyond just the
		
00:41:54 --> 00:41:56
			photo but when a person is just dismissing
		
00:41:56 --> 00:41:58
			everybody because of photos you're really doing yourself
		
00:41:58 --> 00:42:02
			a disservice and so the idea of of
		
00:42:02 --> 00:42:05
			allowing for yourself and considering allowing for yourself
		
00:42:05 --> 00:42:08
			to consider other people inshallah and you know
		
00:42:08 --> 00:42:10
			even if a person is going through it
		
00:42:10 --> 00:42:13
			there's still lots of even if it doesn't
		
00:42:13 --> 00:42:15
			work out you've learned so much you've learned
		
00:42:15 --> 00:42:18
			how to communicate better you've learned how to
		
00:42:18 --> 00:42:21
			resolve conflict you've learned more about yourself what
		
00:42:21 --> 00:42:22
			you like and what you don't like and
		
00:42:22 --> 00:42:23
			what you want and what you don't want
		
00:42:23 --> 00:42:26
			and so going through the process inshallah in
		
00:42:26 --> 00:42:28
			and of itself is healthy for an individual
		
00:42:28 --> 00:42:30
			and so i just want to end with
		
00:42:30 --> 00:42:38
			some some red flags and then i'll answer
		
00:42:38 --> 00:42:42
			these questions number one some red flags before
		
00:42:42 --> 00:42:48
			marriage for sure number one is disrespect if
		
00:42:48 --> 00:42:52
			a person is disrespectful to you a person
		
00:42:52 --> 00:42:55
			belittles you a person is condescending that's a
		
00:42:55 --> 00:43:04
			big red flag you know we'll talk about
		
00:43:04 --> 00:43:07
			disrespect next week but it's actually the greatest
		
00:43:07 --> 00:43:13
			indicator of divorce is not financial uh it's
		
00:43:13 --> 00:43:16
			not finances it's not even it's not even
		
00:43:16 --> 00:43:19
			a spouse cheating people get over that all
		
00:43:19 --> 00:43:22
			the time but the biggest indicator of divorce
		
00:43:22 --> 00:43:29
			is uh disrespect and content and uh so
		
00:43:29 --> 00:43:32
			whether it's disrespect for the person or whether
		
00:43:32 --> 00:43:34
			it's disrespect for the dean or whether it's
		
00:43:34 --> 00:43:36
			disrespect for a person's family you know a
		
00:43:36 --> 00:43:40
			person who's belittling your family and it's important
		
00:43:40 --> 00:43:43
			that those lines be drawn when it comes
		
00:43:43 --> 00:43:45
			to your own family you know what i
		
00:43:45 --> 00:43:46
			can make fun of my family all day
		
00:43:46 --> 00:43:49
			long but you can't make fun of my
		
00:43:49 --> 00:43:53
			family i mean that's mine and i won't
		
00:43:53 --> 00:43:55
			make fun of your family even if you
		
00:43:55 --> 00:43:56
			make fun of your family all all day
		
00:43:56 --> 00:43:59
			long you know that idea of you and
		
00:43:59 --> 00:44:03
			respect for your family uh so also a
		
00:44:03 --> 00:44:08
			person who has sectarian beliefs you have a
		
00:44:08 --> 00:44:10
			sunni person marrying a shia person or shia
		
00:44:10 --> 00:44:11
			person marrying a sunni person or there's a
		
00:44:11 --> 00:44:14
			wide disparity with regards to your level of
		
00:44:14 --> 00:44:17
			of religiosity that idea of halal haram ratio
		
00:44:17 --> 00:44:19
			i think is a reasonable thing you will
		
00:44:19 --> 00:44:21
			have one person who thinks that tv is
		
00:44:21 --> 00:44:22
			haram and you have one person who wants
		
00:44:22 --> 00:44:24
			to go to the theater and go and
		
00:44:24 --> 00:44:25
			watch plays and do all of these types
		
00:44:25 --> 00:44:28
			of things that's obviously a disconnect and it's
		
00:44:28 --> 00:44:29
			going to cause a lot of conflict not
		
00:44:29 --> 00:44:31
			to say that all of these things can't
		
00:44:31 --> 00:44:33
			be resolved red flags doesn't mean close the
		
00:44:33 --> 00:44:35
			door but red flag just means this is
		
00:44:35 --> 00:44:37
			something to pay attention to a third one
		
00:44:37 --> 00:44:46
			is uh controlling behavior so jealousy excessive jealousy
		
00:44:48 --> 00:44:51
			you know i had one friend who was
		
00:44:51 --> 00:44:54
			in the process of getting engaged and he
		
00:44:54 --> 00:44:57
			went over to this girl's house and he's
		
00:44:57 --> 00:44:59
			like the most you know i have some
		
00:44:59 --> 00:45:01
			people that i know who i could say
		
00:45:01 --> 00:45:03
			are honestly are the most clueless with regards
		
00:45:03 --> 00:45:06
			to women like that person who never notices
		
00:45:07 --> 00:45:10
			a girl ever and he he just it's
		
00:45:10 --> 00:45:11
			like this is not a fitna for him
		
00:45:11 --> 00:45:16
			in any any way zero percent yeah mashallah
		
00:45:16 --> 00:45:18
			he just has he's just you know he's
		
00:45:18 --> 00:45:19
			getting married because it's the sunnah of the
		
00:45:19 --> 00:45:20
			prophet otherwise i don't think he would have
		
00:45:20 --> 00:45:24
			even gotten married or cared to so he
		
00:45:24 --> 00:45:27
			goes to the house and he's sitting there
		
00:45:27 --> 00:45:29
			and as he's sitting there just engaging the
		
00:45:29 --> 00:45:32
			family and all this type of stuff she's
		
00:45:32 --> 00:45:35
			texting him like i see you checking out
		
00:45:35 --> 00:45:42
			my sister and he's like what are you
		
00:45:42 --> 00:45:46
			even talking about but that level of like
		
00:45:46 --> 00:45:51
			intensity and like uh self um um insecurity
		
00:45:51 --> 00:45:55
			and and jealousy like bro that's walk away
		
00:45:55 --> 00:46:00
			right that's a huge red flag or you
		
00:46:00 --> 00:46:02
			know there's this one um chef what he
		
00:46:02 --> 00:46:04
			tells the story of a of a of
		
00:46:04 --> 00:46:07
			a guy who was walking with his his
		
00:46:07 --> 00:46:10
			uh his wife at a cashier at like
		
00:46:10 --> 00:46:11
			an heb or something like that and the
		
00:46:11 --> 00:46:14
			cashier lady is giving him his his change
		
00:46:14 --> 00:46:18
			and when he reaches out the his wife
		
00:46:18 --> 00:46:23
			slaps his hand and she's like don't touch
		
00:46:23 --> 00:46:26
			him she's yelling at the cashier like that
		
00:46:26 --> 00:46:29
			level of of jealousy becomes obviously a big
		
00:46:29 --> 00:46:32
			red flag okay that's not that's not normal
		
00:46:32 --> 00:46:40
			that's not healthy gee how do you distinguish
		
00:46:40 --> 00:46:49
			between jealousy and lira uh a lira is
		
00:46:49 --> 00:46:53
			protective jealousy and it's healthy and it's good
		
00:46:54 --> 00:46:57
			but lira is i want you to be
		
00:46:57 --> 00:46:59
			safe and i want you to be protected
		
00:46:59 --> 00:47:03
			from men who are um you know who
		
00:47:03 --> 00:47:06
			might deal with you inappropriately that's that's normal
		
00:47:06 --> 00:47:10
			protective jealousy excessive jealousy is i want to
		
00:47:10 --> 00:47:12
			lock you up in the house and let
		
00:47:12 --> 00:47:14
			nobody ever see you and that's the only
		
00:47:14 --> 00:47:17
			way that you can be safe right that's
		
00:47:17 --> 00:47:20
			that's that's excessive right so that which allows
		
00:47:20 --> 00:47:21
			and that's why allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
		
00:47:21 --> 00:47:23
			a lot of times he says in the
		
00:47:23 --> 00:47:26
			quran he says bil maruf he says bil
		
00:47:26 --> 00:47:31
			maruf with goodness he says deal with them
		
00:47:31 --> 00:47:35
			in uh with goodness maruf means that which
		
00:47:35 --> 00:47:38
			is recognized and what that shows us is
		
00:47:38 --> 00:47:40
			that there are islam has general red lines
		
00:47:40 --> 00:47:43
			with regards to interaction and things like that
		
00:47:43 --> 00:47:46
			but there's also this beautiful element of maruf
		
00:47:46 --> 00:47:48
			what is recognized to be good and what
		
00:47:48 --> 00:47:52
			is recognized to be acceptable and so if
		
00:47:52 --> 00:47:54
			a man for example and i've been to
		
00:47:54 --> 00:47:57
			some muslim cultures in some countries where actually
		
00:47:57 --> 00:47:59
			the way that people interact is very open
		
00:47:59 --> 00:48:03
			and very comfortable and very wholesome a guy
		
00:48:03 --> 00:48:05
			will you know visit a will be at
		
00:48:05 --> 00:48:09
			a convention a conference and the and these
		
00:48:09 --> 00:48:11
			are all locals from a particular country and
		
00:48:11 --> 00:48:13
			and they'll they said how are you how's
		
00:48:13 --> 00:48:15
			your family doing good to see you all
		
00:48:15 --> 00:48:18
			this type of stuff and they're being very
		
00:48:18 --> 00:48:20
			friendly and almost like to me even more
		
00:48:20 --> 00:48:23
			friendly than i would normally expect and it's
		
00:48:23 --> 00:48:25
			completely normal there and the guy is there
		
00:48:25 --> 00:48:28
			with his wife and they're smiling and nobody
		
00:48:28 --> 00:48:30
			would say that he doesn't have in that
		
00:48:30 --> 00:48:33
			moment and then you have other cultures where
		
00:48:33 --> 00:48:35
			you know you don't talk to my wife
		
00:48:35 --> 00:48:36
			and you don't even know her name and
		
00:48:37 --> 00:48:38
			what wife i don't have a wife i
		
00:48:38 --> 00:48:40
			was like what do you mean you didn't
		
00:48:40 --> 00:48:43
			say and that's their that's their version right
		
00:48:43 --> 00:48:47
			so culture does have a standard culture does
		
00:48:47 --> 00:48:54
			have a standard you know what's excessive goes
		
00:48:54 --> 00:48:57
			back to that culture aspect you know they
		
00:48:57 --> 00:48:59
			were telling me recently about one culture just
		
00:48:59 --> 00:49:00
			a couple days ago they were telling me
		
00:49:00 --> 00:49:03
			about one culture where the brother will drive
		
00:49:03 --> 00:49:07
			an hour away from where all of the
		
00:49:07 --> 00:49:10
			muslim restaurant stuff and he'll go take his
		
00:49:10 --> 00:49:12
			wife to a an hour away just so
		
00:49:12 --> 00:49:15
			that nobody sees his wife and he'll go
		
00:49:15 --> 00:49:17
			eat at a non-muslim restaurant or something
		
00:49:17 --> 00:49:19
			like that that they wouldn't even go to
		
00:49:19 --> 00:49:21
			the regular muslim shops just so that nobody
		
00:49:21 --> 00:49:29
			sees anyway yeah um is a man sinful
		
00:49:29 --> 00:49:31
			for letting his non-hijabi wife go out
		
00:49:31 --> 00:49:35
			with a hijab when you get married we'll
		
00:49:35 --> 00:49:41
			answer that question for you but in general
		
00:49:41 --> 00:49:43
			but in general one of the most important
		
00:49:43 --> 00:49:44
			aspects and this is a this is a
		
00:49:44 --> 00:49:47
			good point uh with regards to sisters is
		
00:49:47 --> 00:49:49
			that as you're looking for a spouse one
		
00:49:49 --> 00:49:51
			of the qualities that you should look for
		
00:49:51 --> 00:49:53
			is whether this is somebody that i i
		
00:49:53 --> 00:49:56
			could find myself actually listening to like if
		
00:49:56 --> 00:49:59
			push comes to shove can i find myself
		
00:49:59 --> 00:50:02
			if he says we're doing this that i
		
00:50:02 --> 00:50:04
			would actually listen because the prophet sallallahu alayhi
		
00:50:04 --> 00:50:06
			wa sallam he did place a lot of
		
00:50:06 --> 00:50:09
			responsibility on the husband and he gave the
		
00:50:09 --> 00:50:12
			husband certain rights with regards to the leadership
		
00:50:12 --> 00:50:15
			of the house and so just like i'm
		
00:50:15 --> 00:50:17
			thinking am i you know compatible with this
		
00:50:17 --> 00:50:19
			person am i attracted to this person all
		
00:50:19 --> 00:50:21
			these type of things push comes to shove
		
00:50:21 --> 00:50:22
			when i follow this person with regards to
		
00:50:22 --> 00:50:25
			the decisions that he makes rasulullah sallallahu alayhi
		
00:50:25 --> 00:50:29
			wa sallam says whatever woman whatever woman she
		
00:50:29 --> 00:50:35
			prays her five she fasts ramadan she guards
		
00:50:35 --> 00:50:40
			her chastity she follows obeys the word obey
		
00:50:40 --> 00:50:44
			obviously triggers everybody but that's the word that
		
00:50:44 --> 00:50:50
			he used she enters into the jannah of
		
00:50:50 --> 00:50:53
			her lord and so that idea of yes
		
00:50:53 --> 00:50:55
			this guy makes me laugh but do i
		
00:50:55 --> 00:50:58
			trust him yes is he somebody that i
		
00:50:58 --> 00:51:00
			can follow is he somebody that i trust
		
00:51:00 --> 00:51:02
			his leadership is he somebody who i i
		
00:51:02 --> 00:51:04
			i could see myself listening to in that
		
00:51:04 --> 00:51:06
			sense and if that's the case then marry
		
00:51:06 --> 00:51:08
			him and if that's not the case then
		
00:51:08 --> 00:51:09
			don't marry him because it'll end up being
		
00:51:09 --> 00:51:12
			a lot of conflict he's telling you you
		
00:51:12 --> 00:51:13
			know he feels like this is a responsibility
		
00:51:13 --> 00:51:15
			of his and you're like no i don't
		
00:51:15 --> 00:51:16
			want to listen to you it just becomes
		
00:51:16 --> 00:51:24
			a problem uh yeah okay let's see here
		
00:51:29 --> 00:51:31
			so some more uh red flags uh we
		
00:51:31 --> 00:51:34
			said disrespect dishonesty as well so a person
		
00:51:34 --> 00:51:38
			lying about their education lying about finances lying
		
00:51:38 --> 00:51:40
			about past relationships all of that will erode
		
00:51:40 --> 00:51:46
			trust um and then of course stinginess people
		
00:51:46 --> 00:51:52
			who refuse to spend and was very very
		
00:51:52 --> 00:51:55
			very intelligent it was a very intelligent uh
		
00:51:55 --> 00:51:58
			companion of the prophets of allah so he
		
00:51:58 --> 00:52:00
			said that he was proposing to a woman
		
00:52:00 --> 00:52:02
			and he went to her house and she
		
00:52:02 --> 00:52:04
			was a young woman and when he went
		
00:52:04 --> 00:52:05
			to the house he found that there was
		
00:52:05 --> 00:52:08
			a young man there to propose to so
		
00:52:08 --> 00:52:10
			this young woman and this young man and
		
00:52:10 --> 00:52:13
			and as an elder guy so he said
		
00:52:13 --> 00:52:15
			i'm like oh my god there's no way
		
00:52:15 --> 00:52:17
			this woman is going to pick me over
		
00:52:17 --> 00:52:21
			this this young dude so then he said
		
00:52:21 --> 00:52:23
			he was sitting there and she was on
		
00:52:23 --> 00:52:25
			the other side of the curtain and she
		
00:52:25 --> 00:52:28
			was you know uh she was basically listening
		
00:52:28 --> 00:52:30
			to the conversation that marino was having with
		
00:52:30 --> 00:52:32
			the young man so he said he said
		
00:52:32 --> 00:52:33
			to the young man he said to him
		
00:52:33 --> 00:52:36
			what you know how are you with finances
		
00:52:36 --> 00:52:40
			and the young man said finances he said
		
00:52:40 --> 00:52:43
			i calculate everything i know what i'm doing
		
00:52:43 --> 00:52:47
			i account for everything every every dollar spent
		
00:52:47 --> 00:52:49
			this this this this and then he said
		
00:52:49 --> 00:52:52
			what about you marina said oh me he
		
00:52:52 --> 00:52:53
			said honestly what i do is i have
		
00:52:53 --> 00:52:56
			a pouch of dinars i take it into
		
00:52:56 --> 00:52:59
			the house and i don't count it but
		
00:52:59 --> 00:53:01
			whenever it becomes empty i just refill it
		
00:53:01 --> 00:53:03
			again and that's it that's how i live
		
00:53:05 --> 00:53:08
			so when it came time for the girl
		
00:53:08 --> 00:53:10
			to make a decision she chose a marina
		
00:53:10 --> 00:53:17
			why because he doesn't count the money she
		
00:53:17 --> 00:53:20
			chose over the youthfulness of this dude who'll
		
00:53:20 --> 00:53:21
			be sitting there checking every item that she
		
00:53:21 --> 00:53:26
			spent she chose the the gentleman who's not
		
00:53:26 --> 00:53:27
			going to do any of that and just
		
00:53:27 --> 00:53:30
			finance her the point here is this idea
		
00:53:30 --> 00:53:33
			of stinginess is one of the things that
		
00:53:33 --> 00:53:36
			makes people seem very defective and similarly generosity
		
00:53:36 --> 00:53:38
			there's nothing that makes you know why do
		
00:53:38 --> 00:53:41
			the arabs call karam karam you know karam
		
00:53:41 --> 00:53:45
			actually means perfection kareem means perfect it doesn't
		
00:53:45 --> 00:53:47
			mean generous so how did it mean how
		
00:53:47 --> 00:53:50
			did it come to mean generosity it's because
		
00:53:50 --> 00:53:53
			the arabs looked and they said what quality
		
00:53:53 --> 00:53:56
			makes a person seem perfect and they said
		
00:53:56 --> 00:53:57
			that there's nothing that makes a person seem
		
00:53:57 --> 00:54:00
			more perfect than generosity if a person is
		
00:54:00 --> 00:54:02
			generous then people overlook their faults they don't
		
00:54:02 --> 00:54:04
			see them if you have a king who's
		
00:54:04 --> 00:54:06
			generous people overlook a lot you have a
		
00:54:06 --> 00:54:07
			spouse who's generous people overlook a lot so
		
00:54:07 --> 00:54:14
			the idea of stinginess i had one brother
		
00:54:14 --> 00:54:16
			one time he and i'm gonna end with
		
00:54:16 --> 00:54:17
			this i'm sorry guys i'm keeping you guys
		
00:54:17 --> 00:54:19
			but i remember i had one guy uh
		
00:54:19 --> 00:54:20
			he asked me to be the wedding for
		
00:54:20 --> 00:54:24
			his wife he asked me to be the
		
00:54:24 --> 00:54:25
			wedding for the woman he wanted to marry
		
00:54:25 --> 00:54:29
			okay this was a long time ago so
		
00:54:29 --> 00:54:33
			it was uh i remember she had um
		
00:54:35 --> 00:54:39
			she was they were both converts and she
		
00:54:39 --> 00:54:41
			had been in prison and he had been
		
00:54:41 --> 00:54:44
			writing her letters in prison so when she
		
00:54:44 --> 00:54:49
			came out he was so proud that he
		
00:54:49 --> 00:54:50
			wanted to marry her and he asked me
		
00:54:50 --> 00:54:52
			to be ready i said sure and i
		
00:54:52 --> 00:54:53
			didn't know what i was doing it's like
		
00:54:53 --> 00:54:56
			my first time ever being a witty and
		
00:54:56 --> 00:54:59
			he and they were both older than me
		
00:54:59 --> 00:55:04
			much you know senior and so i asked
		
00:55:04 --> 00:55:05
			her i said what's the mahal that you
		
00:55:05 --> 00:55:07
			want and she said what i want is
		
00:55:07 --> 00:55:12
			a a what year was it she said
		
00:55:12 --> 00:55:15
			she wanted she wanted a penny that was
		
00:55:15 --> 00:55:17
			minted in like 1977 or something like that
		
00:55:17 --> 00:55:20
			said why she said that was the year
		
00:55:20 --> 00:55:24
			that i was born it's like romantic a
		
00:55:24 --> 00:55:27
			penny that's the mahal that she wants that's
		
00:55:27 --> 00:55:33
			the mahal i'm like okay sure and i
		
00:55:33 --> 00:55:35
			remember when we're doing the nikah uh my
		
00:55:35 --> 00:55:39
			sheikh sheikh uh he was basically in the
		
00:55:39 --> 00:55:41
			office and he was doing the nikah and
		
00:55:41 --> 00:55:42
			then he asked he says what's the mahal
		
00:55:42 --> 00:55:46
			and i said and and she says a
		
00:55:46 --> 00:55:49
			1977 penny and my man was looking over
		
00:55:49 --> 00:55:50
			and he was like so proud in that
		
00:55:50 --> 00:55:54
			moment like i got one on the sunnah
		
00:55:54 --> 00:55:57
			she wants the the lowest mahal possible and
		
00:55:57 --> 00:55:58
			then he says to me he says i'm
		
00:55:58 --> 00:56:00
			not are you are you okay with this
		
00:56:00 --> 00:56:01
			mahal i said yeah i mean that's what
		
00:56:01 --> 00:56:03
			she wants like that's that's fine with me
		
00:56:03 --> 00:56:06
			and then the sheikh goes no i'm not
		
00:56:06 --> 00:56:09
			fine with it he says the mahal needs
		
00:56:09 --> 00:56:10
			to be something of value so he said
		
00:56:10 --> 00:56:11
			you know you need to go and buy
		
00:56:11 --> 00:56:13
			her some abayas you need to buy her
		
00:56:13 --> 00:56:15
			this you need to buy her that and
		
00:56:15 --> 00:56:17
			i said sure and i remember this brother
		
00:56:17 --> 00:56:18
			the first time that i had met him
		
00:56:18 --> 00:56:20
			he had told me about his long boxing
		
00:56:20 --> 00:56:23
			history and like the guy's like a a
		
00:56:23 --> 00:56:27
			tough guy or something so then a week
		
00:56:27 --> 00:56:29
			later just a week later the guy comes
		
00:56:29 --> 00:56:31
			up to me and he's like man you
		
00:56:31 --> 00:56:35
			need to talk to your who you're the
		
00:56:35 --> 00:56:37
			wali of and i'm like why what happened
		
00:56:37 --> 00:56:39
			and he had like this big it was
		
00:56:39 --> 00:56:40
			it was winter time and he had this
		
00:56:40 --> 00:56:43
			big hat like a beanie and he pulls
		
00:56:43 --> 00:56:45
			off the beanie he's like look what she
		
00:56:45 --> 00:56:47
			did and i saw the huge lump on
		
00:56:47 --> 00:56:50
			his head i was like i was like
		
00:56:50 --> 00:56:52
			what happened he's like she threw a vase
		
00:56:52 --> 00:56:55
			at me a vase and i was like
		
00:56:55 --> 00:56:56
			why'd she throw a vase at you and
		
00:56:56 --> 00:56:59
			he was like uh he was like she
		
00:56:59 --> 00:57:01
			keeps telling me like you're broke you don't
		
00:57:01 --> 00:57:02
			have any money you got this you got
		
00:57:02 --> 00:57:04
			that you don't got metro card for me
		
00:57:04 --> 00:57:07
			and stuff and i said subhanallah like you
		
00:57:07 --> 00:57:11
			have a case of domestic violence over money
		
00:57:11 --> 00:57:13
			and my point my point to all of
		
00:57:13 --> 00:57:15
			this is to say is that if a
		
00:57:15 --> 00:57:18
			person thinks that even if you're able to
		
00:57:18 --> 00:57:20
			get a maha for a 1977 penny if
		
00:57:20 --> 00:57:23
			you think that you can have a healthy
		
00:57:23 --> 00:57:26
			marriage without being able as a man to
		
00:57:26 --> 00:57:28
			be to be able to provide then you're
		
00:57:28 --> 00:57:29
			just going to get lumped up for no
		
00:57:29 --> 00:57:30
			reason you're going to show up in the
		
00:57:30 --> 00:57:33
			mischief right this idea of stinginess is a
		
00:57:33 --> 00:57:35
			is a very big deal this idea of
		
00:57:35 --> 00:57:39
			stinginess and not feeling financially comfortable and financially
		
00:57:39 --> 00:57:47
			secure and the last thing is that as
		
00:57:47 --> 00:57:50
			you're going through the process two things number
		
00:57:50 --> 00:57:56
			one it's very important that you begin on
		
00:57:56 --> 00:57:59
			the right foot and i'll tell you one
		
00:57:59 --> 00:58:03
			of my pet peeves is when people don't
		
00:58:03 --> 00:58:05
			respect what's what i call the window of
		
00:58:05 --> 00:58:09
			happiness the window of happiness is this is
		
00:58:09 --> 00:58:11
			that we mentioned different vehicles that people use
		
00:58:11 --> 00:58:16
			to to to get introduced and one of
		
00:58:16 --> 00:58:19
			those that really should be taken advantage of
		
00:58:19 --> 00:58:23
			is the community the community the community of
		
00:58:23 --> 00:58:26
			people who are already married your relatives your
		
00:58:26 --> 00:58:28
			family all of these different friends all of
		
00:58:28 --> 00:58:30
			that should be but then it should also
		
00:58:30 --> 00:58:32
			be respected on a scale of one to
		
00:58:32 --> 00:58:34
			ten how would you say the community is
		
00:58:34 --> 00:58:36
			with regards to looking out for people who
		
00:58:36 --> 00:58:38
			are single scale of one to ten ten
		
00:58:38 --> 00:58:41
			means fantastic and one means nobody's helping anybody
		
00:58:41 --> 00:58:49
			three two or three so i'm hearing a
		
00:58:49 --> 00:58:50
			lot of two or three so this is
		
00:58:50 --> 00:58:54
			what y'all got one so then the
		
00:58:54 --> 00:58:57
			question becomes uh part of it we could
		
00:58:57 --> 00:59:00
			have a larger discussion about this but part
		
00:59:00 --> 00:59:03
			of it also becomes as somebody who's on
		
00:59:03 --> 00:59:05
			the community side i'm on the community side
		
00:59:05 --> 00:59:07
			i'll tell you one of the things that
		
00:59:07 --> 00:59:10
			as somebody who if i can i would
		
00:59:10 --> 00:59:13
			one of my uh things that i've seen
		
00:59:13 --> 00:59:16
			a number of times is people not respecting
		
00:59:16 --> 00:59:18
			that window of happiness what that means is
		
00:59:18 --> 00:59:21
			that i'll give you an example i have
		
00:59:21 --> 00:59:27
			a guy he's pretty much financially secure qualified
		
00:59:27 --> 00:59:30
			and all that type of stuff i have
		
00:59:30 --> 00:59:33
			a sister for you cool cool i go
		
00:59:33 --> 00:59:35
			and i talk to the sister or i
		
00:59:35 --> 00:59:36
			talk to the sister's mother or whoever we
		
00:59:36 --> 00:59:38
			have a guy for you cool cool great
		
00:59:38 --> 00:59:42
			great give him our number cool here's the
		
00:59:42 --> 00:59:45
			number deliver it to the guy this is
		
00:59:45 --> 00:59:50
			the number of the family when you've received
		
00:59:50 --> 00:59:53
			that contact how many days do you think
		
00:59:53 --> 00:59:57
			it takes or how many days within how
		
00:59:57 --> 01:00:07
			many days should you reach out so two
		
01:00:07 --> 01:00:10
			days sisters what do you think how many
		
01:00:10 --> 01:00:16
			days same day i this would be a
		
01:00:16 --> 01:00:19
			good survey for you to ask this would
		
01:00:19 --> 01:00:20
			be a good survey for you to ask
		
01:00:20 --> 01:00:23
			people but i can't tell you just me
		
01:00:23 --> 01:00:25
			personally how many times people get masha'allah
		
01:00:25 --> 01:00:28
			as soon as they get that contact it's
		
01:00:28 --> 01:00:31
			like they have the california wildfires they have
		
01:00:31 --> 01:00:35
			the the they have a tsunami they have
		
01:00:35 --> 01:00:38
			an earthquake that happens to them they have
		
01:00:38 --> 01:00:43
			they lose service they need starlink like everything
		
01:00:43 --> 01:00:45
			in the world happens to them as soon
		
01:00:45 --> 01:00:47
			as you give them somebody's contact they disappear
		
01:00:47 --> 01:00:50
			they get work they get right and then
		
01:00:50 --> 01:00:53
			it's like this if you don't respect the
		
01:00:53 --> 01:00:55
			window of happiness i'll give you an example
		
01:00:55 --> 01:00:57
			if if somebody tells you i'm gonna prepare
		
01:00:57 --> 01:00:59
			for you the most amazing or you go
		
01:00:59 --> 01:01:01
			to a restaurant that's the most amazing restaurant
		
01:01:01 --> 01:01:02
			in the world okay it's an amazing restaurant
		
01:01:02 --> 01:01:05
			you're excited you're sitting there and you ask
		
01:01:05 --> 01:01:06
			them when the food is going to come
		
01:01:06 --> 01:01:08
			out they tell you 30 minutes an hour
		
01:01:08 --> 01:01:10
			goes by the food hasn't come an hour
		
01:01:10 --> 01:01:11
			and a half goes by the food hasn't
		
01:01:11 --> 01:01:13
			come two hours you guys are sitting there
		
01:01:13 --> 01:01:14
			the food hasn't come two and a half
		
01:01:14 --> 01:01:16
			hours this food hasn't come three hours now
		
01:01:16 --> 01:01:18
			even if it does come out the most
		
01:01:18 --> 01:01:23
			amazing food three hours later are you still
		
01:01:23 --> 01:01:27
			excited about it no you're not and so
		
01:01:27 --> 01:01:30
			when that person is excited to receive contact
		
01:01:30 --> 01:01:32
			from you on day one day two day
		
01:01:32 --> 01:01:34
			three day four and you still don't reach
		
01:01:34 --> 01:01:38
			out it doesn't i'm sorry i was really
		
01:01:38 --> 01:01:40
			busy oh you're sorry really busy we're all
		
01:01:40 --> 01:01:43
			sorry you were really busy because because you
		
01:01:43 --> 01:01:47
			missed that window so starting beautifully and then
		
01:01:47 --> 01:01:52
			very important ending beautifully ending beautifully means that
		
01:01:52 --> 01:01:56
			after you've initiated contact and then it doesn't
		
01:01:56 --> 01:02:01
			work out that you communicate i'm sorry i
		
01:02:01 --> 01:02:03
			don't think this is going to proceed you
		
01:02:03 --> 01:02:08
			know what's not acceptable ghosting that's not acceptable
		
01:02:08 --> 01:02:11
			because that's childish it's either childish or disrespectful
		
01:02:11 --> 01:02:14
			and it's not just disrespectful to to the
		
01:02:14 --> 01:02:17
			person it's also disrespectful to whoever that third
		
01:02:17 --> 01:02:20
			party was that introduced you because they introduced
		
01:02:20 --> 01:02:24
			you and you were introduced through them right
		
01:02:24 --> 01:02:26
			through their reputation and you know a lot
		
01:02:26 --> 01:02:28
			of times subhanallah like we all appreciate like
		
01:02:28 --> 01:02:30
			people who are matchmakers and people like you
		
01:02:30 --> 01:02:33
			appreciate that things don't work out like people
		
01:02:33 --> 01:02:35
			you're not expecting to bat a thousand and
		
01:02:35 --> 01:02:37
			if a person is responsible and they come
		
01:02:37 --> 01:02:38
			to you and they say you know what
		
01:02:38 --> 01:02:40
			but it didn't work out because of this
		
01:02:40 --> 01:02:42
			this this this you know what i would
		
01:02:42 --> 01:02:45
			imagine they'd say all right on to the
		
01:02:45 --> 01:02:46
			next i got another one for you because
		
01:02:46 --> 01:02:49
			i had another five in my pocket but
		
01:02:49 --> 01:02:52
			then if a person ghosts you're not getting
		
01:02:52 --> 01:02:55
			anything because all else like like you're you're
		
01:02:55 --> 01:02:57
			you're not ready right you're not ready or
		
01:02:57 --> 01:03:05
			you're not responsible you're not mature yes yeah
		
01:03:05 --> 01:03:07
			but they hate you at that time so
		
01:03:07 --> 01:03:13
			your job for them is uh no no
		
01:03:13 --> 01:03:17
			no that's like uh you're a bad person
		
01:03:17 --> 01:03:21
			what do they call that gaslighting like you're
		
01:03:21 --> 01:03:23
			going to end with a drought for them
		
01:03:23 --> 01:03:28
			i just keep it moving anything else to
		
01:03:28 --> 01:03:30
			end yes so i have a question so
		
01:03:30 --> 01:03:38
			like just from our side what milestone do
		
01:03:38 --> 01:03:42
			you say all right what milestone does a
		
01:03:42 --> 01:03:44
			person say you just gotta pull the trigger
		
01:03:44 --> 01:03:47
			yeah that's up to the person that they
		
01:03:47 --> 01:03:52
			pull they uh you know but the idea
		
01:03:52 --> 01:03:54
			of just sometimes people just end up delaying
		
01:03:54 --> 01:03:57
			delaying delaying delaying marriage uh with no end
		
01:03:57 --> 01:03:59
			in sight they're just waiting till they feel
		
01:03:59 --> 01:04:02
			ready but is a milestone a house i
		
01:04:02 --> 01:04:05
			don't know maybe but you know it's just
		
01:04:05 --> 01:04:08
			um for people who are if you're if
		
01:04:08 --> 01:04:11
			you feel comfortable comfortable in getting married the
		
01:04:11 --> 01:04:15
			prophet says yeah whoever of you is able
		
01:04:15 --> 01:04:16
			to do so then get married like it's
		
01:04:16 --> 01:04:21
			it's it will only beautify your existence if
		
01:04:21 --> 01:04:23
			you get married it'll only beautify your journey
		
01:04:23 --> 01:04:25
			as you're buying a house or what have
		
01:04:25 --> 01:04:26
			you as you get married like you know
		
01:04:26 --> 01:04:28
			when you're building your future with the spouse
		
01:04:28 --> 01:04:31
			in it it's different than when you build
		
01:04:31 --> 01:04:34
			it and then you you add them afterwards
		
01:04:34 --> 01:04:37
			right you see their imprints in your journey
		
01:04:37 --> 01:04:40
			it's a different experience if you can if
		
01:04:40 --> 01:04:50
			you can yes did i say
		
01:04:50 --> 01:04:53
			that i said three i'm famous for that
		
01:04:53 --> 01:04:58
			just uh mentioning three things um so we
		
01:04:58 --> 01:05:01
			said pressure number two to escape number three
		
01:05:01 --> 01:05:02
			the third one was going to be just
		
01:05:02 --> 01:05:06
			because of sexual urges i probably should have
		
01:05:06 --> 01:05:11
			talked about that but a person a person
		
01:05:11 --> 01:05:13
			getting married just because they're like i need
		
01:05:13 --> 01:05:17
			to get married halas like again these types
		
01:05:17 --> 01:05:20
			of pressures will just cause a person to
		
01:05:20 --> 01:05:22
			make a bad decision because at the end
		
01:05:22 --> 01:05:24
			of the day intimacy is one of the
		
01:05:24 --> 01:05:29
			goals of marriage but it's not like halas
		
01:05:29 --> 01:05:31
			like you you still have to be married
		
01:05:31 --> 01:05:34
			to this person beyond just them being uh
		
01:05:34 --> 01:05:37
			attractive to you physically like you have to
		
01:05:37 --> 01:05:39
			there's a lot more to life than just
		
01:05:39 --> 01:05:41
			that in fact the majority of life is
		
01:05:41 --> 01:05:43
			not that so you don't just marry because
		
01:05:43 --> 01:05:47
			you need to get um you need to
		
01:05:47 --> 01:05:54
			get married yeah yeah what are good expectations
		
01:05:54 --> 01:05:57
			to have in marriage that's a great question
		
01:05:57 --> 01:05:58
			what are some good expectations to have in
		
01:05:58 --> 01:06:04
			marriage it's gonna be work okay that's a
		
01:06:04 --> 01:06:07
			good expectation that is a good expectation a
		
01:06:07 --> 01:06:09
			good expectation to have in marriage is that
		
01:06:09 --> 01:06:11
			i'm going to worship allah subhanahu wa ta
		
01:06:11 --> 01:06:13
			'ala beautifully through my relationship with this individual
		
01:06:13 --> 01:06:18
			like i'm going to a good expectation of
		
01:06:18 --> 01:06:19
			marriage is the expectation that i have for
		
01:06:19 --> 01:06:23
			myself in this marriage you know i love
		
01:06:23 --> 01:06:25
			that quote i love this quote by obeidullah
		
01:06:25 --> 01:06:28
			bin abbas not abdullah bin abbas abdullah bin
		
01:06:28 --> 01:06:30
			abbas is the famous scholar of tafsir obeidullah
		
01:06:30 --> 01:06:33
			is his younger brother and obeidullah was known
		
01:06:33 --> 01:06:35
			for his generosity whereas abdullah is known for
		
01:06:35 --> 01:06:37
			his knowledge obeidullah was known for his generosity
		
01:06:37 --> 01:06:39
			it was said that obeidullah was the first
		
01:06:39 --> 01:06:41
			person who put food out for iftar in
		
01:06:41 --> 01:06:43
			ramadan you know the iftars that people put
		
01:06:43 --> 01:06:44
			out on the street he was the first
		
01:06:44 --> 01:06:46
			person to put food on the street in
		
01:06:46 --> 01:06:48
			ramadan in any case obeidullah one time was
		
01:06:48 --> 01:06:52
			traveling with uh his companion they were traveling
		
01:06:52 --> 01:06:54
			to damascus and on the way they stopped
		
01:06:54 --> 01:06:56
			by a bedouin tent and the bedouin saw
		
01:06:56 --> 01:06:58
			obeidullah's face and he said this guy looks
		
01:06:58 --> 01:06:59
			like he's from and he looks like he's
		
01:06:59 --> 01:07:01
			from banu hashim he looks like he's from
		
01:07:01 --> 01:07:04
			banu hashim but he doesn't know who he
		
01:07:04 --> 01:07:06
			is and obeidullah doesn't introduce himself and he
		
01:07:06 --> 01:07:08
			says to him you know i have um
		
01:07:08 --> 01:07:11
			we have a need and so the man
		
01:07:11 --> 01:07:13
			slaughters the only sheep that he has he's
		
01:07:13 --> 01:07:15
			got one sheep he slaughters it for these
		
01:07:15 --> 01:07:18
			guests and so then obeidullah says to his
		
01:07:18 --> 01:07:21
			uh companion he says how much do we
		
01:07:21 --> 01:07:24
			have he says we have 500 dinars that's
		
01:07:24 --> 01:07:28
			what we have we our entire is 500
		
01:07:28 --> 01:07:29
			dinars and he says how much will it
		
01:07:29 --> 01:07:31
			cost us to get to damascus and he
		
01:07:31 --> 01:07:33
			says whatever the amount is that he says
		
01:07:33 --> 01:07:36
			10 dinars or 20 dinars that'll get us
		
01:07:36 --> 01:07:38
			these gold coins that'll get us to damascus
		
01:07:38 --> 01:07:40
			and then he says okay give him the
		
01:07:40 --> 01:07:43
			rest and he said what do you mean
		
01:07:43 --> 01:07:45
			give him the rest that's an insane amount
		
01:07:45 --> 01:07:47
			to give he only slaughtered a sheep for
		
01:07:47 --> 01:07:48
			you he said no he didn't slaughter a
		
01:07:48 --> 01:07:50
			sheep for us he slaughtered for us everything
		
01:07:50 --> 01:07:53
			that he has and so if we give
		
01:07:53 --> 01:07:56
			him anything less than everything that we have
		
01:07:56 --> 01:07:57
			then he was more generous than us and
		
01:07:57 --> 01:08:00
			that's not going to happen so then his
		
01:08:00 --> 01:08:02
			his his friend is still arguing with him
		
01:08:02 --> 01:08:04
			and then he says to him listen he
		
01:08:04 --> 01:08:07
			doesn't even know who you are and this
		
01:08:07 --> 01:08:09
			is the part that i love obeidullah said
		
01:08:09 --> 01:08:11
			to him but i know who i am
		
01:08:11 --> 01:08:14
			it's a bar right he said he doesn't
		
01:08:14 --> 01:08:15
			even know who you are he says but
		
01:08:15 --> 01:08:18
			i know who i am and so that
		
01:08:18 --> 01:08:21
			idea of i know who i am i'm
		
01:08:21 --> 01:08:22
			coming into the marriage and i know who
		
01:08:22 --> 01:08:25
			i am as i'm seeking to get married
		
01:08:25 --> 01:08:27
			it doesn't matter whether i'm on some chat
		
01:08:27 --> 01:08:32
			or some this whatever uh app or this
		
01:08:32 --> 01:08:33
			person doesn't know who i am or it
		
01:08:33 --> 01:08:35
			doesn't matter like i know who i am
		
01:08:35 --> 01:08:37
			you should have that dignity and that self
		
01:08:37 --> 01:08:40
			-respect and that confidence in yourself that i
		
01:08:40 --> 01:08:45
			am going to be incredible in whatever relationship
		
01:08:45 --> 01:08:48
			i am in because i know who i
		
01:08:48 --> 01:08:49
			am and that's that's the standard that i
		
01:08:49 --> 01:08:52
			have for myself allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
		
01:08:52 --> 01:08:52
			knows best