Ammar Alshukry – Choosing A Spouse In Islam

AI: Summary ©
The importance of communication and boundaries in marriage is crucial for healthy relationships, including finding the right person and finding a partner who is a good fit. cultural backgrounds and relationships are also discussed, including avoiding double standards and double sex. Speaker 1 talks about their desire for a new marriage, including a woman with a good attitude and a desire for a woman with a good attitude. They also discuss milestones and privacy concerns, including respecting people's privacy.
AI: Summary ©
A person assuming that it's just going to
when I get married, I'm going to be
living in this incredible circumstance where spouse recognizes
my needs, they understand me all the time.
That's not going to be the case.
You know, sometimes you yourself don't even know
what you need, your needs change from day
to day.
And so the idea that your spouse is
always going to be able to recognize what
you want, and what you like, and all
of that type of stuff without effective communication
is going to cause problems.
And so then a person who is in
the process of looking for a spouse, these
are things that they should be working on
with regards to themselves, their own happiness, their
own self confidence, their own ability to communicate
their preferences, what they like, conflict resolution, conflict
resolution, and learning that even before getting into
a marriage is very healthy for an individual
because one of the expectations people have is
that there's never going to be conflict in
a marriage.
Whereas we saw that even with the Promised
of Allah there was conflict in his marriages,
but it's marriage, it's manageable conflict.
And there's a difference between conflict that is
manageable and conflict that isn't manageable.
And we'll talk about that inshallah in the
last week when we're talking about conflict, but
learning how to resolve conflict, even as a
single person amongst your family members with your
friends, and being able to confront and create
boundaries for yourself and being able to resolve
and compromise on issues.
These are all incredible skills that a person
should be developing before they get married because
they're going to need it when they get
married, they're going to need to be able
to articulate their preferences, their preferences, they're going
to need to be able to articulate their
values, they're going to need to be able
to articulate their boundaries, they're going to need
to be able to do all of these
things and communication becomes key.
So having the ability to communicate also is
incredibly important.
And then when it comes to the seeking
of the spouse themselves, when guys and girls,
when you're speaking to leaders in communities, and
you're speaking to counselors, and what we're all
seeing, one of the challenges when it comes
to marriage is simply making a decision, just
making a decision.
With guys, just making a decision.
A person is ready to get married.
They've fulfilled whatever educational requirements they have, they're
working, and then you ask them, why are
you not married?
What is holding a person back?
Sometimes it is the lack of opportunity, sometimes
it is paralysis of choice because of the
prevalence of available sisters to get married, and
many times it is just that inability to
make a decision and to make a decision
and be comfortable with it.
And that comes from the aspect of expectations
as well.
You know, a hundred years ago, our grandparents,
they didn't have anywhere near the amount of
people to get married to, and yet it
was very straightforward.
They found somebody, their families found somebody, and
alhamdulillah, they got married and they made it
work.
And so to some level, that idea of
expectation and always looking for something that's better
and hoping for this person to be able
to solve all of your desires that you
have, that becomes something that's unreasonable and something
that's unrealistic and causes paralysis.
You know, and sometimes that choice causes a
person to not even proceed forward with regards
to marriage.
So I'll give you an example.
I had a brother who was 40 years
old and I was asking him, you know,
are you married?
He says no.
And I say, like, what's the problem?
He has a good job, he has a
pretty settled.
And he says, you know, I just haven't
found the right person.
So my natural question was, I mean, how
many families have you visited?
And he said, since when?
I said, let's say since you were an
adult.
I mean, since you graduated school and got
settled, it's like 15 to 20 years.
So he says to me, four.
So I say, well, that's an average of
one person every five years.
That's really, really slow.
Like at some point, you need to make
things happen.
Marriage, for some, is a numbers game.
Like you have to put yourself out there,
not in a sense where you're being so
unrealistic and you're just being reckless, but where
you're putting yourself out there and you're trying
to make something happen if it's something that
you want to happen.
The Prophet ﷺ, he said, we talked about
this last week.
Marriage is a great sunnah of the Prophet
ﷺ.
And for some people, it's obligatory.
And for some people, the default for everybody
else is recommended.
And so you have on this one and
this person who's not proposing to anybody.
And then on the other end, you might
have a sister who's not considering anybody.
She's got her head down for whatever reason,
school, this, this person is talking to this
person, this person is suggesting this person and
this person is, and she's no, no, no,
no, no, no, I'm not interested.
I'm not interested.
I'm not interested.
One of the biggest challenges, and I'm not
telling sisters to accept anybody.
It's not about acceptance, but at least at
the very least considering, and one of the
main challenges that we find is people not
considering, you know, people who might be compatible.
So then how do you know who might
be compatible for you?
We have general guidelines that the Prophet ﷺ
gave us.
And then we have your own particular preferences.
What are the general guidelines the Prophet ﷺ
gave us for men and for women, we
should be familiar with this.
What do y'all got?
For men, what are the general guidelines?
I should ask the sisters.
For men, what are the general guidelines for
a man?
What do you got?
He should be what?
Yes.
He should be what?
Respectful.
The Prophet ﷺ gave us two things.
He said, if someone comes to you who
is six foot tall, right?
No, that's not it.
That's fabricated.
He said, what's the hadith?
The Prophet ﷺ said, if someone comes to
you who you're pleased with his, his deen
and his character, then marry them.
If someone comes to you, you're pleased with
their deen and their character, then marry them.
Character involves what our sister just said, respectful.
Character is you're comfortable with his kindness.
You're comfortable with his mercy.
You're comfortable with his, his trustworthiness.
You're comfortable with his sincerity.
You're comfortable with, with his, his, his, his
manners.
And then after that you have taqwa, which
is his own worship of Allah ﷻ and
his own religiosity, or sorry, he said his
deen.
And so his deen, so the Prophet ﷺ
says, if these two things come, now that
being said, are those the only two qualities
that a person should look for?
No, because we understand that there are other
considerations to have.
So for example, a woman was being proposed
to by three men, Fatima bint Qais, and
the Prophet ﷺ, he disqualified two of the
men on, he says Muawiyah, he says Muawiyah
doesn't have any money.
And the other gentleman, the other companion, I'm
forgetting his name, but he said he doesn't
put down his stick.
He doesn't put down his stick, either that
he's always traveling or it's a metaphor for
something else.
And then he said to her, marry Usama,
marry Usama.
And so one of the reasons why he
said don't marry Muawiyah is because of that
lack of money.
And so we understand that it's not the
only two things, but we understand that these
are very, very weighted, which is deen and
character.
Now when it comes to women, what did
the Prophet ﷺ tell us?
It's four things.
So what are they?
He said a woman is married for what?
Four things, which is?
So her deen, her beauty, her wealth, and
her lineage.
Okay, her lineage.
So he said, marry the woman of?
Of deen.
He said, marry the woman of deen, you'll
be successful.
So he says, these are the reasons why
a woman is married, okay?
And the Prophet ﷺ said, marry a woman
of deen.
So that being said, the scholars understood that
deen is the X factor in every, whether
it's the guy or the girl, but it's
not the only thing.
Does that mean that you go the extreme
of saying, all I care about is their
deen?
I don't care about anything else?
No.
But you make deen actually not the first
thing that you ask about.
You know, you can't live based on taqwa.
You can't just live and eat and drink
taqwa.
That's not going to work.
You can't build a house like that.
There's also something called chemistry.
There's also something called attraction.
You know, there are people who are very
religious and you love their deen.
And I'm just talking about platonically on your
gender side.
Guys with guys, and girls with girls.
There are people that you know who have
incredible deen, but you personally are not attracted
to them.
In the sense that you guys aren't friends,
you're not close.
Deen isn't enough to create those types of
friendly relationships.
And similarly, deen isn't enough to create a
romantic relationship with your partner.
That's not enough.
And so deen is mentioned to be the
end.
Meaning that when you're asking about somebody, they
check all of your boxes.
They check the physical attraction, they check the
emotional connection, they check the family that you're
looking into.
They check that all of these things.
Check, check, check, check, check, check, check.
Then the last thing that you ask about
is what?
The deen.
Everything else checks out.
I ask about deen last because then if
the deen checks out, then it's icing on
the cake and I married you because of
the deen.
And if the deen doesn't check out, I
close my eyes and marry you anyway.
No, you don't do that.
Okay?
You don't do that.
Then you say no thank you.
But now I've rejected this person based on
the deen and that is a beautiful thing.
Everything else checks out.
But then I find out this person doesn't
pray so I say no thank you.
I found out this person isn't right for
me so I say no thank you because
of the deen.
And the opposite is true.
I check everything and then the deen is
there.
I accepted this person and I wouldn't have
accepted them otherwise.
So you're putting the deen in that appropriate
place.
Otherwise, it's not appropriate that you're asking about
this person and they tell you masha'Allah
she's a hafidh of the Quran and she
leads Quran circles for the past 10 years
and she's this and she's that and she's
the best in our community.
She's the most righteous.
She's this, this, this, and now you go
and you see her and you're like man,
I'm sorry.
And they just told you all of this
that they told you about her and now
you're rejecting this incredible person.
Right?
So that's the benefit of asking about deen
last.
Now the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says
that a woman is married for four.
So he said marry, he said a woman
is married for four.
She could be married for her beauty.
She could be married for, but there's a
hadith that's weak but it's in Ibn Majah.
It's a weak hadith.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said don't
marry for beauty.
He said don't marry for beauty because her
beauty might misguide her.
And he said and don't marry for money
because her money might cause her to be
uh to to be transgressive.
Right?
But marry for the deed.
In any case this indicate that there are
some aspects that a person should be wary
of.
Should you marry for beauty?
Can you marry for beauty?
Yes.
Should you marry someone who you are physically
attracted to?
Absolutely.
Of course you should.
The question then becomes how much beauty?
How much beauty?
An eight?
An eight is too much?
An eight is ideal?
What about a ten?
Is is uh is is that what people
should be going for?
Because that's what people are going for.
People are going for tens.
Is that not the case?
What is an acceptable range to go for?
Six to eight?
Sisters what do y'all think?
No no it's not the whole number thing
is not subjective.
Beauty is subjective but where you rank they
rank on your personal scale is not.
What are you saying?
It depends on the person.
So are there people that are going to
be looking for twos?
Enough to make you lower your gaze in
front of other women.
That's a smart enough.
It's not a smart answer and I'll tell
you why.
I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
Do the most beautiful women in the world
get cheated on?
Okay so so there's no there's no amount
there's no you lowering your gaze is not
going to be a result of the woman
that you marry.
That's the that's the important point.
The most people marry supermodels.
Tiger Woods married a supermodel and then he
cheated on her multiple times with supermodels that
looked exactly like her.
We hear all the time about scandals of
people who are married to women who are
the most beautiful entertainers in the world and
so the question then becomes what causes a
person to not lower or to be able
to lower their gaze and what causes a
person to be able to lower their gaze
is the taqwa of Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
That's internal.
It has nothing to do with external because
no matter who you marry and this is
something that's just human biology.
It's natural that no matter who you marry
even if it's the most beautiful person in
the world you marry a beautiful woman or
she marries a beautiful man after a day
two three four a year they become normal
in their eyes.
Like you're not stunned by their beauty every
day of your life that you see them
just like you were the first time.
You get accustomed to them and so then
what attracts you beyond that becomes their inner
beauty.
Their inner beauty is that gravitational force that
continues to pull you in every day of
your life and your beauty changes.
Obviously that's natural.
That person 10 years down the line or
20 years or 30 years down the line
and we see these couples who have 30
years in and they're still very much in
love and still see each other very much
as beautiful.
It's not that physical beauty anymore.
Their skin is wrinkly.
Their hair has less life.
They've gained and lost weight a hundred times
over.
They've gone through illness even as that person
is by their side in their illness.
They still see them as beautiful and they
still love them and they still have that
affinity toward them that's transferred from Mawadda.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says Allah says
he made between you Mawadda and Rahma.
Mawadda is that type of playful love that
would that's there at the beginning but Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala also says Rahma.
At a point in the marriage it also
transfers into something that's called mercy.
Where you have that love for each other
that's deep and you have that care for
each other.
It's not about a playful youthful love anymore
but it's that deep mercy that you have
for one another and so my point is
that it's very important that people don't get
married for the idea that this person is
now going to make me lower my gaze
from everybody.
That's not going to be the case.
There's no person you can marry beautiful enough
that will cloak the beauty of every other
person on earth.
That's not going to happen but what can
happen is that a person appreciates what they
have and they have taqwa of Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala and they guard their gaze
and guard their desires.
Very good.
Thank you Asher for that setup.
Okay so so we said that there are
going to be some things that are non
-negotiable and certain things that are going to
be negotiable.
The things that the Prophet ﷺ gave us
are general guidelines which is these are things
that a person should look for and then
you have your own personal non-negotiables.
There are some people who you tell them
you know what are you looking for and
they say no matter what I can't marry
somebody who's x y and z and people
have their you know sister might be tall
and she says I just can't marry somebody
who's shorter than me.
I just need somebody tall.
Okay that's a that's a non-negotiable for
her or a guy says I need a
sister who has these qualifications or she's she
has a degree or whatever it is that
people have.
A person who speaks this language.
I speak this language at home and I
need somebody who speaks this language.
So people have their non-negotiables but also
needing to have the maturity to recognize that
for the right person for the right person
things that were non-negotiable might become negotiable.
The idea of having like a list of
things that you're looking for is just so
that you know the ballpark of where you
like the general zip code of where you
want to land.
That you can easily recognize if this is
someone that I want to entertain this somebody
that I want to consider or this is
somebody that I'm just not interested in.
That brings up the the one of our
major questions which is the idea of cultural
background.
That's considered for some people a negotiable and
some a non-negotiable.
Is cultural background important?
Wow.
We have a lot of yeses and we
have a lot of nos.
Those who say that it is important.
Why do you say that it's important?
Yes, Musa.
Let's hear from our 16 year old.
So for a lot of us, right, I
think most of us grew up in the
U.S. but our parents English might not
necessarily be their first language.
Okay.
And a lot of people even if they
do speak it they lose their part of
their personality.
Okay.
So if you're an Egyptian and you're marrying
someone who's Pakistani and they don't speak Arabic
and your mom only speaks Arabic or she
speaks English but very formally then they're going
to have a limited relationship with your whichever
person I said that.
Okay.
So that's the you're for or against?
Okay so who's basically saying culture doesn't matter?
Go ahead.
Asher right there.
Okay.
So did the Prophet ﷺ marry outside his
culture?
Who did he marry?
Safiyya.
Safiyya bint Huyayy.
She was ethnically what?
She was Jewish.
So the Prophet ﷺ married outside his culture.
And Allah ﷻ says in the in the
verse in Surat Ar-Rum, what is it?
Allah ﷻ says and from his signs is
that he created for you spouses but also
Allah ﷻ says in the same sequence from
his signs is the the difference in your
tongues and your colors.
From Allah ﷻ signs is this mosaic that
we have and the Muslim community is probably
one of the most diverse communities.
You go into a masjid and this is
what you see.
You see every race present in front of
you.
And so the question then becomes I think
if we were to ask everybody here we'd
probably get different answers from almost everybody because
it is a very personal question and it's
one that everybody has to answer themselves.
Is culture something that's important to you?
And by culture we have a shared American
Muslim culture, right?
So we've all most likely eaten biryani at
some point in our time in our lives.
We've all eaten Kunafa.
We've all eaten all of these foods that
are kind of you know they've become part
of the Muslim American experience even though they
might not be our ethnic cultural foods from
wherever particular country we're from but we all
have this shared experience of the Muslim American
experience.
That being said all of our families are
different and I always like to tell people
that if it's you have families that are
very cultural and you have families that aren't.
And a family that's very cultural is a
family like you know you speak your language
of origin at home and you're decent at
it or you're fluent at it even.
Some of you might even be fluent at
it.
You spent times a period of time overseas.
Your parents sent you back or they sent
you for the summers and that's where you
would spend your summers.
You would spend your summers in that country.
You would go back home and so that
level of investment from them they may expect
that you're going to marry somebody from your
particular culture and that's where like Musa said
that's where your parents are their fullest.
That's where they're most comfortable is when they're
speaking their language of origin.
They might not even speak English and so
then when you're bringing somebody from an outside
culture you're always going to have that aspect
of someone needing to be translated to and
a lot gets lost in translation and maybe
even that affects your future relationship because after
marriage you know you think of it as
a spouse but very quickly it becomes all
about this family and the raising of these
children and wanting to if you're the type
that's going to want to include your in
-laws or your family in that process then
making them as comfortable as possible maybe with
them having a familiarity with the culture of
your spouse as well then all of that
becomes easier.
I don't want to speak in absolutes.
There's exceptions to everything so take all of
this with a grain of thought but this
is this is food for thought and then
you have families that are not like that
at all.
Their summers were not spent overseas.
Their summers were spent in the United States.
Their parents speak English at home.
You speak English.
You don't speak your language of origin too
much and then it doesn't for that person
it's not going to make much of a
difference with regards to who they marry from
whatever culture right and that really opens up
for everybody.
Not to say that parents who have that
particular ethnic background that I described earlier can't
open up for the right person but it
just becomes a matter of navigating all of
these aspects and just paying attention to these
details and Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A
'la knows best.
Yeah any comments on this this part or
questions inshallah before we move on?
Yes.
Can a person from the first category who
has a very strong culture marry someone from
the second category who doesn't necessarily have it?
Yeah that might be easier than two people
who have two very very very dominant cultures
that are competing.
That might be easier and Allah Subh'anaHu
Wa Ta-A'la knows best but the
idea of paying attention to culture anything else
with regards to the topic of culture?
I mean there's a lot of different dynamics
that play if a person is a revert
and accepts Islam.
My sister is married to a revert and
I mean he's a very practicing Muslim, a
student of knowledge, has a degree in Islamic
studies, he's more absorbed in the Sudanese community
than a lot of Sudanese kids to be
honest like so and in that sense sometimes
marrying a revert and again I don't want
to generalize but this is what I've seen
as well is that sometimes they're because they've
already shed so much they've shed the religion
that they had and they've gone against their
family at times and you know they're very
willing at least that's what I found very
willing to to be a part of your
family right in whatever way that that looks
and so I've actually seen less of an
issue with reverts in that sense although they're
still navigating a lot of different things of
course because they're not divorcing from their family
there's their family's still non-Muslim and you
have to have those considerations in place but
it's those are just the considerations that you
have to have now is that when your
your family or your children are in the
company of his family their grandparents their aunts
and uncles and all of that type of
stuff is that they're non-Muslim and so
you just have to pay attention how with
regards to how they are how your children
are kept basically if they're in their homes
whether it's food or whether it's what they
have access to as far as what they
watch or any change in values and if
they're respectful with regards to your values that's
pretty much it but I think that it's
something that is definitely can be worked on
and resolved if the family is supportive of
his deed yeah allahu akbar okay so that
being said we have some questions here that
I want to address real quick which is
is there a point in the marriage process
where you can make dua for something to
be your potential spouse by name rather than
using your more general marriage duas so at
what point can you just start asking oh
Allah allow me to marry so and so
I think it's fine for you to ask
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to allow you
to marry so and so I just you
know again you just have to be ready
for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to tell
you no so if you go in on
this one person that's the dua of istikhara
the dua of istikhara is you say oh
Allah and if you know this person isn't
good for me then divert it away from
me and make me pleased with it and
so I can make dua for whatever I
want in this world that's fine but if
you don't get it then also be content
that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wrote something
better for you and then people ask the
question they say when when when can I
stop making dua for it like when should
I if you're attending their wedding stop making
dua if you're there at the wedding saying
stop making dua okay is
it okay if you don't want to get
married will your deen still be complete I
would be very interested in what the age
is of this person but you know because
sometimes if this person is young sometimes at
20 21 22 23 you're like I don't
want to get married 24 I don't want
to get married 25 I don't want to
get married just ask the people who are
older than you and I think one of
the most important things honestly that a person
can do when they're young is to consult
people who are married and older than them
you don't want to have an eco-chamber
of people who are your age people who
are you know your status if you're single
that's the people who are you know feeding
you I won't say that but just they're
they're the ones who are your sounding board
you want to have people even as you're
going through the process of getting to know
somebody for the purpose of marriage I would
highly encourage that you have some sort of
mentor for you somebody who's married already somebody
who you can talk to about the process
someone who you can even talk to about
the person that you're you know that you're
talking to as opposed to just having your
single friends as the people that you're sharing
all of this information with and then it
becomes the blind leading the blind and then
you end up in a ditch and you
know I mean it's it's having people who
are in the game because they'll also be
able to they'll also be able to kind
of dial down your expectations or your idealism
you know and I remember I remember you
know that happening a lot where you have
your older brothers sisters people who are you
know married 10 15 20 years 30 years
telling you what's important and what's not important
and what's idealistic and what's Hollywood and what's
nonsense and this and that otherwise you're you
know sitting with your friends and you guys
are both you know coming up with this
ideal scenario and you're all in lala land
and you know you you end up again
having the wrong expectation with regards to marriage
and so communicating with you know you know
find again that aunt or auntie or uncle
who's got 30 years and four years in
and ask them and be guided by them
or your older brother or sister who's been
married for five ten years and and learn
from them as well you know and let
them be your sounding board I think it'll
allow you to benefit a lot so what's
your viewpoint on muslim men in today's society
marrying christian and jewish women the guys know
my viewpoint on that I don't do those
contracts personally if a person comes to me
and asks me to marry a non-muslim
woman and it's halal but it's not everything
that's halal is a good idea and every
time in place and the reason why is
because marriage becomes the merging of families like
I said you know when you're getting married
you're thinking about this person but if you're
wise and if you have a good supporting
team around you they're going to hammer into
your head that marriage is the merging of
families and that family that you're marrying those
are going to be the grandparents of your
kids those are going to be the aunts
and uncles of your kids those are going
to be and it's hard enough to raise
kids in you know in the United States
it's already hard enough we're already playing this
game on hard some people want to play
the game on super hard some people want
to play the game on near impossible and
that's what happens when you marry I believe
when you marry a non-muslim woman if
a guy marries a non-muslim woman then
you're basically saying inshallah I plan on having
children with you and the divorce rate is
50% already in this country in which
case you're going to have custody of my
kids and I'll get them on the weekends
maybe and I'm trusting that for some reason
you're going to want to raise the Muslim
even if I don't have them I mean
who would take a risk like that what
rational person would take a risk like that
Ibrahim bin Adham a man came to him
and he said I want some advice from
you on raising my son and he said
to him how old is your son he
said he's one month old he said he's
you're too late he said to him you're
too late what was his point his point
was he said if you cared about raising
your son truly then you would have come
to me for advice when you were choosing
the mother of the child and the scholars
say that the first right that your child
has over you is that you choose for
them the right mom that's the first right
and so when a person is marrying a
Jewish or a Christian woman are there exceptions
yes of course I mean I'm always going
to tell you with everything that I'm saying
there's going to be exceptions I know people
mashaAllah righteous families where a man married a
non-Muslim woman and the daughters mashaAllah are
you know half a lot of the Quran
and the mother after 25 years or something
like that she herself accepted Islam does that
happen yes it happens but what's the percentage
of that you know so that's a gamble
that I wouldn't and then at the same
time it's like who's going to marry the
Muslim us if the guys are going and
marrying non-Muslim women who's going to marry
the Muslim us then again there's an idea
here of loving a very important concept in
marriage which is loving for the sake of
Allah it's a very important concept which is
to love for the sake of Allah you
know we kind of you know jokingly say
that you should never tell your wife that
you love her for the sake of Allah
obviously you don't tell your wife I love
you for the sake of Allah you don't
tell her that but you should love her
for the sake of Allah you should love
her for the sake of Allah if I
love people for the sake of Allah the
people who are most deserving of being loved
for the sake of Allah are those who
are closest to me I naturally love my
parents yes but guess what even if I
don't naturally love them I should love them
for the sake of Allah I naturally love
my wife yes but even when I don't
feel like I love her I should love
her for the sake of Allah if I
love her for the sake of Allah then
I won't wrong her because I'll always be
doing for her what Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala loves for me to do for her
and I will always no matter what she
does for me or doesn't do for me
I'm not responding to how she treats me
I'm responding to how Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala commands it's not about her anymore it
becomes about this is my way of worshiping
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and the same
thing with the woman if she loves her
husband for the sake of Allah then it
becomes a manifestation of her worshiping Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala that's very very powerful and
so anyway that's about marrying non-Muslim women
so um I do want to just end
with some red flags inshallah ta'ala uh
what's your advice for women 30 under 30
no greater than 30 or 35 who are
being rejected due to age even by the
men the same age or older than them
is to have sabr to have sabr you
know I got a call from a brother
mashallah a couple of uh just two weeks
ago was it it was last week he
calls me and he says I'm at the
nikah of my mother he said we just
did the nikah of my mom yeah I
was like mashallah that's interesting and beautiful you
know it's interesting and beautiful but you know
I mean people find marriage at all ages
it's not at just that 30 or 35
or 40 or 45 or 50 or 55
people get married all the time and all
ages and so a person having to look
and making dua for it with sincerity and
taking the means and by taking the means
I guess we should talk about this what
are the means that are available for people
to get married and to find people now
what are the means that we got 2025
what's our what's our main avenues so the
aunties okay very good so we have the
aunties number one what else okay so muslim
organizations what else we have the apps that's
three um you have direct uh communication what
else what other avenues you have families friends
six okay so you have you have basically
these types of uh these types of options
you know when um when we're looking at
all of these types of things there are
certain guidelines doesn't matter whether it's online or
whether it's in person and those guidelines are
general guideline number one is halwa is not
allowed the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said
let no man be alone with a woman
except that there's with them a mahram and
he says that no man is is alone
with a woman except that shaitan is their
third so that's online that's uh in person
especially more in person and then when it
comes to online that a person always makes
sure that they err on the side of
caution and that they don't exchange photos or
even in the engagement period they don't exchange
all of these things because when relationships end
you don't want a person to have access
to these photos or images or anything like
that and that that a lot that person
is vengeful or vindictive or what have you
then you have a lot of sorrow and
a lot of stress so making sure that
you preserve all of these types of things
number three the idea of general modesty and
shame from both parties and a person truly
asking questions for the purpose of getting to
know whether this person is someone who's a
someone who is appropriate for marriage for me
again having your negotiables and non-negotiables clear
so that you're just not wasting time there
are lots of reasons why a person shouldn't
get married and i'm just going to mention
three quickly just because it's number one is
a person shouldn't get married because of pressure
so this sister here who's asking this question
30 35 what should i do a person
shouldn't get married because my biological clock is
ticking because when you're feeling that type of
pressure then you end up in a bad
situation you end up lowering your standards for
yourself you end up saying yes to somebody
that you otherwise would end up and so
subhanallah uh you know you have disasters you
have a sister who might marry a guy
who's not religious at all just because you
know i need to get married and you
know i need to have a kid okay
so now not only are you because you
feel under pressure not only are you choosing
a bad spouse for yourself but you're choosing
a bad father for your kid which is
going to tie you from uh and make
you miserable for the rest of of this
child's life right so you don't marry because
of that sense of pressure you have to
look good on allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
and you seek out that which is that
which is best and number two a person
doesn't marry to get out of a bad
situation person doesn't marry because i can't stand
being at home and i want to leave
i need to i i need i need
to escape something a person doesn't get married
because they need to escape a person escapes
on their own and then they get married
with their head clear and with their heart
healed and entering into a situation that's healthy
for them so that they can be healthy
there's a lot of the reasons why people
uh have conflict in marriage is number one
they either married the wrong person or they
themselves are not the right person at the
time or they are they they married the
right person but they're loving them wrong and
we'll talk about that inshallah next week but
a person shouldn't get married because of pressure
they have to look good on allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala and inshallah allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala will write for them the right
person at the right time that being said
a person does strive so the idea of
just making dua and not putting in the
work no you need to put in the
work you need to put yourself out there
you need to you need to uh consider
people you know consider people that are reasonable
and if a person is you know one
of my big frustrations is when people just
say no based on photos or based on
um i actually don't even like people seeing
photos like just go and sit in front
of that person take the flight go visit
that family take the train go visit that
family i'm not i don't have a photo
for you so you can just tell me
no as if everybody is photogenic masha'a
allah and everybody's got the right light and
light angle and then hasn't there been a
million times where somebody from a photo you
wouldn't have given them a second thought but
when you sit in front of them you
feel a chemistry and you you know you
see their sense of humor and there are
other things that are attractive beyond just the
photo but when a person is just dismissing
everybody because of photos you're really doing yourself
a disservice and so the idea of of
allowing for yourself and considering allowing for yourself
to consider other people inshallah and you know
even if a person is going through it
there's still lots of even if it doesn't
work out you've learned so much you've learned
how to communicate better you've learned how to
resolve conflict you've learned more about yourself what
you like and what you don't like and
what you want and what you don't want
and so going through the process inshallah in
and of itself is healthy for an individual
and so i just want to end with
some some red flags and then i'll answer
these questions number one some red flags before
marriage for sure number one is disrespect if
a person is disrespectful to you a person
belittles you a person is condescending that's a
big red flag you know we'll talk about
disrespect next week but it's actually the greatest
indicator of divorce is not financial uh it's
not finances it's not even it's not even
a spouse cheating people get over that all
the time but the biggest indicator of divorce
is uh disrespect and content and uh so
whether it's disrespect for the person or whether
it's disrespect for the dean or whether it's
disrespect for a person's family you know a
person who's belittling your family and it's important
that those lines be drawn when it comes
to your own family you know what i
can make fun of my family all day
long but you can't make fun of my
family i mean that's mine and i won't
make fun of your family even if you
make fun of your family all all day
long you know that idea of you and
respect for your family uh so also a
person who has sectarian beliefs you have a
sunni person marrying a shia person or shia
person marrying a sunni person or there's a
wide disparity with regards to your level of
of religiosity that idea of halal haram ratio
i think is a reasonable thing you will
have one person who thinks that tv is
haram and you have one person who wants
to go to the theater and go and
watch plays and do all of these types
of things that's obviously a disconnect and it's
going to cause a lot of conflict not
to say that all of these things can't
be resolved red flags doesn't mean close the
door but red flag just means this is
something to pay attention to a third one
is uh controlling behavior so jealousy excessive jealousy
you know i had one friend who was
in the process of getting engaged and he
went over to this girl's house and he's
like the most you know i have some
people that i know who i could say
are honestly are the most clueless with regards
to women like that person who never notices
a girl ever and he he just it's
like this is not a fitna for him
in any any way zero percent yeah mashallah
he just has he's just you know he's
getting married because it's the sunnah of the
prophet otherwise i don't think he would have
even gotten married or cared to so he
goes to the house and he's sitting there
and as he's sitting there just engaging the
family and all this type of stuff she's
texting him like i see you checking out
my sister and he's like what are you
even talking about but that level of like
intensity and like uh self um um insecurity
and and jealousy like bro that's walk away
right that's a huge red flag or you
know there's this one um chef what he
tells the story of a of a of
a guy who was walking with his his
uh his wife at a cashier at like
an heb or something like that and the
cashier lady is giving him his his change
and when he reaches out the his wife
slaps his hand and she's like don't touch
him she's yelling at the cashier like that
level of of jealousy becomes obviously a big
red flag okay that's not that's not normal
that's not healthy gee how do you distinguish
between jealousy and lira uh a lira is
protective jealousy and it's healthy and it's good
but lira is i want you to be
safe and i want you to be protected
from men who are um you know who
might deal with you inappropriately that's that's normal
protective jealousy excessive jealousy is i want to
lock you up in the house and let
nobody ever see you and that's the only
way that you can be safe right that's
that's that's excessive right so that which allows
and that's why allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
a lot of times he says in the
quran he says bil maruf he says bil
maruf with goodness he says deal with them
in uh with goodness maruf means that which
is recognized and what that shows us is
that there are islam has general red lines
with regards to interaction and things like that
but there's also this beautiful element of maruf
what is recognized to be good and what
is recognized to be acceptable and so if
a man for example and i've been to
some muslim cultures in some countries where actually
the way that people interact is very open
and very comfortable and very wholesome a guy
will you know visit a will be at
a convention a conference and the and these
are all locals from a particular country and
and they'll they said how are you how's
your family doing good to see you all
this type of stuff and they're being very
friendly and almost like to me even more
friendly than i would normally expect and it's
completely normal there and the guy is there
with his wife and they're smiling and nobody
would say that he doesn't have in that
moment and then you have other cultures where
you know you don't talk to my wife
and you don't even know her name and
what wife i don't have a wife i
was like what do you mean you didn't
say and that's their that's their version right
so culture does have a standard culture does
have a standard you know what's excessive goes
back to that culture aspect you know they
were telling me recently about one culture just
a couple days ago they were telling me
about one culture where the brother will drive
an hour away from where all of the
muslim restaurant stuff and he'll go take his
wife to a an hour away just so
that nobody sees his wife and he'll go
eat at a non-muslim restaurant or something
like that that they wouldn't even go to
the regular muslim shops just so that nobody
sees anyway yeah um is a man sinful
for letting his non-hijabi wife go out
with a hijab when you get married we'll
answer that question for you but in general
but in general one of the most important
aspects and this is a this is a
good point uh with regards to sisters is
that as you're looking for a spouse one
of the qualities that you should look for
is whether this is somebody that i i
could find myself actually listening to like if
push comes to shove can i find myself
if he says we're doing this that i
would actually listen because the prophet sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam he did place a lot of
responsibility on the husband and he gave the
husband certain rights with regards to the leadership
of the house and so just like i'm
thinking am i you know compatible with this
person am i attracted to this person all
these type of things push comes to shove
when i follow this person with regards to
the decisions that he makes rasulullah sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam says whatever woman whatever woman she
prays her five she fasts ramadan she guards
her chastity she follows obeys the word obey
obviously triggers everybody but that's the word that
he used she enters into the jannah of
her lord and so that idea of yes
this guy makes me laugh but do i
trust him yes is he somebody that i
can follow is he somebody that i trust
his leadership is he somebody who i i
i could see myself listening to in that
sense and if that's the case then marry
him and if that's not the case then
don't marry him because it'll end up being
a lot of conflict he's telling you you
know he feels like this is a responsibility
of his and you're like no i don't
want to listen to you it just becomes
a problem uh yeah okay let's see here
so some more uh red flags uh we
said disrespect dishonesty as well so a person
lying about their education lying about finances lying
about past relationships all of that will erode
trust um and then of course stinginess people
who refuse to spend and was very very
very intelligent it was a very intelligent uh
companion of the prophets of allah so he
said that he was proposing to a woman
and he went to her house and she
was a young woman and when he went
to the house he found that there was
a young man there to propose to so
this young woman and this young man and
and as an elder guy so he said
i'm like oh my god there's no way
this woman is going to pick me over
this this young dude so then he said
he was sitting there and she was on
the other side of the curtain and she
was you know uh she was basically listening
to the conversation that marino was having with
the young man so he said he said
to the young man he said to him
what you know how are you with finances
and the young man said finances he said
i calculate everything i know what i'm doing
i account for everything every every dollar spent
this this this this and then he said
what about you marina said oh me he
said honestly what i do is i have
a pouch of dinars i take it into
the house and i don't count it but
whenever it becomes empty i just refill it
again and that's it that's how i live
so when it came time for the girl
to make a decision she chose a marina
why because he doesn't count the money she
chose over the youthfulness of this dude who'll
be sitting there checking every item that she
spent she chose the the gentleman who's not
going to do any of that and just
finance her the point here is this idea
of stinginess is one of the things that
makes people seem very defective and similarly generosity
there's nothing that makes you know why do
the arabs call karam karam you know karam
actually means perfection kareem means perfect it doesn't
mean generous so how did it mean how
did it come to mean generosity it's because
the arabs looked and they said what quality
makes a person seem perfect and they said
that there's nothing that makes a person seem
more perfect than generosity if a person is
generous then people overlook their faults they don't
see them if you have a king who's
generous people overlook a lot you have a
spouse who's generous people overlook a lot so
the idea of stinginess i had one brother
one time he and i'm gonna end with
this i'm sorry guys i'm keeping you guys
but i remember i had one guy uh
he asked me to be the wedding for
his wife he asked me to be the
wedding for the woman he wanted to marry
okay this was a long time ago so
it was uh i remember she had um
she was they were both converts and she
had been in prison and he had been
writing her letters in prison so when she
came out he was so proud that he
wanted to marry her and he asked me
to be ready i said sure and i
didn't know what i was doing it's like
my first time ever being a witty and
he and they were both older than me
much you know senior and so i asked
her i said what's the mahal that you
want and she said what i want is
a a what year was it she said
she wanted she wanted a penny that was
minted in like 1977 or something like that
said why she said that was the year
that i was born it's like romantic a
penny that's the mahal that she wants that's
the mahal i'm like okay sure and i
remember when we're doing the nikah uh my
sheikh sheikh uh he was basically in the
office and he was doing the nikah and
then he asked he says what's the mahal
and i said and and she says a
1977 penny and my man was looking over
and he was like so proud in that
moment like i got one on the sunnah
she wants the the lowest mahal possible and
then he says to me he says i'm
not are you are you okay with this
mahal i said yeah i mean that's what
she wants like that's that's fine with me
and then the sheikh goes no i'm not
fine with it he says the mahal needs
to be something of value so he said
you know you need to go and buy
her some abayas you need to buy her
this you need to buy her that and
i said sure and i remember this brother
the first time that i had met him
he had told me about his long boxing
history and like the guy's like a a
tough guy or something so then a week
later just a week later the guy comes
up to me and he's like man you
need to talk to your who you're the
wali of and i'm like why what happened
and he had like this big it was
it was winter time and he had this
big hat like a beanie and he pulls
off the beanie he's like look what she
did and i saw the huge lump on
his head i was like i was like
what happened he's like she threw a vase
at me a vase and i was like
why'd she throw a vase at you and
he was like uh he was like she
keeps telling me like you're broke you don't
have any money you got this you got
that you don't got metro card for me
and stuff and i said subhanallah like you
have a case of domestic violence over money
and my point my point to all of
this is to say is that if a
person thinks that even if you're able to
get a maha for a 1977 penny if
you think that you can have a healthy
marriage without being able as a man to
be to be able to provide then you're
just going to get lumped up for no
reason you're going to show up in the
mischief right this idea of stinginess is a
is a very big deal this idea of
stinginess and not feeling financially comfortable and financially
secure and the last thing is that as
you're going through the process two things number
one it's very important that you begin on
the right foot and i'll tell you one
of my pet peeves is when people don't
respect what's what i call the window of
happiness the window of happiness is this is
that we mentioned different vehicles that people use
to to to get introduced and one of
those that really should be taken advantage of
is the community the community the community of
people who are already married your relatives your
family all of these different friends all of
that should be but then it should also
be respected on a scale of one to
ten how would you say the community is
with regards to looking out for people who
are single scale of one to ten ten
means fantastic and one means nobody's helping anybody
three two or three so i'm hearing a
lot of two or three so this is
what y'all got one so then the
question becomes uh part of it we could
have a larger discussion about this but part
of it also becomes as somebody who's on
the community side i'm on the community side
i'll tell you one of the things that
as somebody who if i can i would
one of my uh things that i've seen
a number of times is people not respecting
that window of happiness what that means is
that i'll give you an example i have
a guy he's pretty much financially secure qualified
and all that type of stuff i have
a sister for you cool cool i go
and i talk to the sister or i
talk to the sister's mother or whoever we
have a guy for you cool cool great
great give him our number cool here's the
number deliver it to the guy this is
the number of the family when you've received
that contact how many days do you think
it takes or how many days within how
many days should you reach out so two
days sisters what do you think how many
days same day i this would be a
good survey for you to ask this would
be a good survey for you to ask
people but i can't tell you just me
personally how many times people get masha'allah
as soon as they get that contact it's
like they have the california wildfires they have
the the they have a tsunami they have
an earthquake that happens to them they have
they lose service they need starlink like everything
in the world happens to them as soon
as you give them somebody's contact they disappear
they get work they get right and then
it's like this if you don't respect the
window of happiness i'll give you an example
if if somebody tells you i'm gonna prepare
for you the most amazing or you go
to a restaurant that's the most amazing restaurant
in the world okay it's an amazing restaurant
you're excited you're sitting there and you ask
them when the food is going to come
out they tell you 30 minutes an hour
goes by the food hasn't come an hour
and a half goes by the food hasn't
come two hours you guys are sitting there
the food hasn't come two and a half
hours this food hasn't come three hours now
even if it does come out the most
amazing food three hours later are you still
excited about it no you're not and so
when that person is excited to receive contact
from you on day one day two day
three day four and you still don't reach
out it doesn't i'm sorry i was really
busy oh you're sorry really busy we're all
sorry you were really busy because because you
missed that window so starting beautifully and then
very important ending beautifully ending beautifully means that
after you've initiated contact and then it doesn't
work out that you communicate i'm sorry i
don't think this is going to proceed you
know what's not acceptable ghosting that's not acceptable
because that's childish it's either childish or disrespectful
and it's not just disrespectful to to the
person it's also disrespectful to whoever that third
party was that introduced you because they introduced
you and you were introduced through them right
through their reputation and you know a lot
of times subhanallah like we all appreciate like
people who are matchmakers and people like you
appreciate that things don't work out like people
you're not expecting to bat a thousand and
if a person is responsible and they come
to you and they say you know what
but it didn't work out because of this
this this this you know what i would
imagine they'd say all right on to the
next i got another one for you because
i had another five in my pocket but
then if a person ghosts you're not getting
anything because all else like like you're you're
you're not ready right you're not ready or
you're not responsible you're not mature yes yeah
but they hate you at that time so
your job for them is uh no no
no that's like uh you're a bad person
what do they call that gaslighting like you're
going to end with a drought for them
i just keep it moving anything else to
end yes so i have a question so
like just from our side what milestone do
you say all right what milestone does a
person say you just gotta pull the trigger
yeah that's up to the person that they
pull they uh you know but the idea
of just sometimes people just end up delaying
delaying delaying delaying marriage uh with no end
in sight they're just waiting till they feel
ready but is a milestone a house i
don't know maybe but you know it's just
um for people who are if you're if
you feel comfortable comfortable in getting married the
prophet says yeah whoever of you is able
to do so then get married like it's
it's it will only beautify your existence if
you get married it'll only beautify your journey
as you're buying a house or what have
you as you get married like you know
when you're building your future with the spouse
in it it's different than when you build
it and then you you add them afterwards
right you see their imprints in your journey
it's a different experience if you can if
you can yes did i say
that i said three i'm famous for that
just uh mentioning three things um so we
said pressure number two to escape number three
the third one was going to be just
because of sexual urges i probably should have
talked about that but a person a person
getting married just because they're like i need
to get married halas like again these types
of pressures will just cause a person to
make a bad decision because at the end
of the day intimacy is one of the
goals of marriage but it's not like halas
like you you still have to be married
to this person beyond just them being uh
attractive to you physically like you have to
there's a lot more to life than just
that in fact the majority of life is
not that so you don't just marry because
you need to get um you need to
get married yeah yeah what are good expectations
to have in marriage that's a great question
what are some good expectations to have in
marriage it's gonna be work okay that's a
good expectation that is a good expectation a
good expectation to have in marriage is that
i'm going to worship allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala beautifully through my relationship with this individual
like i'm going to a good expectation of
marriage is the expectation that i have for
myself in this marriage you know i love
that quote i love this quote by obeidullah
bin abbas not abdullah bin abbas abdullah bin
abbas is the famous scholar of tafsir obeidullah
is his younger brother and obeidullah was known
for his generosity whereas abdullah is known for
his knowledge obeidullah was known for his generosity
it was said that obeidullah was the first
person who put food out for iftar in
ramadan you know the iftars that people put
out on the street he was the first
person to put food on the street in
ramadan in any case obeidullah one time was
traveling with uh his companion they were traveling
to damascus and on the way they stopped
by a bedouin tent and the bedouin saw
obeidullah's face and he said this guy looks
like he's from and he looks like he's
from banu hashim he looks like he's from
banu hashim but he doesn't know who he
is and obeidullah doesn't introduce himself and he
says to him you know i have um
we have a need and so the man
slaughters the only sheep that he has he's
got one sheep he slaughters it for these
guests and so then obeidullah says to his
uh companion he says how much do we
have he says we have 500 dinars that's
what we have we our entire is 500
dinars and he says how much will it
cost us to get to damascus and he
says whatever the amount is that he says
10 dinars or 20 dinars that'll get us
these gold coins that'll get us to damascus
and then he says okay give him the
rest and he said what do you mean
give him the rest that's an insane amount
to give he only slaughtered a sheep for
you he said no he didn't slaughter a
sheep for us he slaughtered for us everything
that he has and so if we give
him anything less than everything that we have
then he was more generous than us and
that's not going to happen so then his
his his friend is still arguing with him
and then he says to him listen he
doesn't even know who you are and this
is the part that i love obeidullah said
to him but i know who i am
it's a bar right he said he doesn't
even know who you are he says but
i know who i am and so that
idea of i know who i am i'm
coming into the marriage and i know who
i am as i'm seeking to get married
it doesn't matter whether i'm on some chat
or some this whatever uh app or this
person doesn't know who i am or it
doesn't matter like i know who i am
you should have that dignity and that self
-respect and that confidence in yourself that i
am going to be incredible in whatever relationship
i am in because i know who i
am and that's that's the standard that i
have for myself allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
knows best