Ali Hammuda – Our Ways With Parents – Episode 6 – Our Ways
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of honoring parents and being present when speaking to them, emphasizing the need for parents to be mindful of their children and not give them too much. They also mention a book and social media campaigns to encourage parents to be aware of family members' behavior and not let "is a gift" hold onto them. The transcript describes a conversation between a mother and her daughter about their experiences with a woman named Moher, and talks about the secret behind the father of Moher and the mother of a woman who caused her to die and the mother is a woman who has caused her to die and the desire for the mother is a gift.
AI: Summary ©
Alhamdulillah, after speaking about our ways towards Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala and our ways towards
the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, the question now is
what comes next?
What should we perhaps speak about?
Yeah, it makes sense.
And the reason is because, many reasons, Imam
al-Dhahabi in his book al-Kabair, he
has a phenomenal statement that he relates attributed
to Abdullah ibn Abbas who said, فَلَاثُ آيَاتٍ
نَزَلَتْ مَقْرُونَةً بِثَلَاثٌ لَا تُقْبَلْ الْأُولَ بِغَيْرِ قَرِينَتِهَا
He said that there are three verses from
the Qur'an that were revealed in pairs.
Three instructions in the book of Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala that appear in pairs.
He said, Allah Almighty will not accept one
of them from you unless you deliver on
the other.
They're like twins that call for one another,
they are inseparable.
The first of them is where Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala said, وَأَطِعُوا اللَّهَ وَأَطِعُوا الرَّسُولُ
Obey Allah and obey the Messenger.
He said so whoever obeys Allah Almighty and
does not obey the Messenger ﷺ then he's
disobedience to Allah will be rejected.
The second one is where Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala said, وَأَقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَآتُوا الزَّكَاةَ Establish
the prayer and give out the charity, the
zakah.
He said so therefore whoever establishes the prayer
and does not give out the zakah his
salah is rejected.
What will be the third one?
Who knows?
Where Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said, وَأَنِشْكُرْ
لِي وَنِوَالِدَيْكُ Allah said show gratitude to me
and show gratitude to your parents.
لا إله إلا الله Ibn Abbas says therefore
whoever shows gratitude to Allah but does not
show gratitude to his parents then his gratitude
will be rejected.
So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala places the
mother and father a second place to himself
subhanahu wa ta'ala after the obedience to
Allah Almighty and gratitude to him and obedience
to the way of the Prophet ﷺ and
no doubt gratitude to him, the mother and
father they occupy the status.
So it makes perfect sense that we now
embark and continue our journey speaking about our
ways as Muslims towards our parents and you
will see the markers that make us so
different as an ummah.
Nations that claim to be advanced and first
world and developed with technological prowess it's within
those same nations where you may see an
elderly parent standing at the bus and all
of the young men and women are sat
down no one bothering to ask this person
if they would like to come and take
a seat.
So let us see what our ways are
and how they look and how they contrast
to the ways of us.
In the famous hadith that almost every Muslim
will come across during their life the hadith
which Muslim narrates on the authority of Umar
that angel Jibreel ﷺ engages in a conversation
with the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ asking him a
series of questions what is Islam and what
is Iman and what is Ihsan and when
is the day of judgment and the idea
of this conversation was to educate the companions
who are listening about their religion.
One of the questions that angel Jibreel in
his human form asks the Prophet ﷺ is
tell me when will the day of judgment
be and the response is both of us
do not know the date of that.
Angel Jibreel he gives him a second question
then give me some of the signs that
the day of judgment is near and he
gives him two signs the first of them
is not so clear the first time you
read it where the Prophet ﷺ said to
him sign number one a sign that the
day of judgment is near is when you
see a slave girl giving birth to her
master what does it mean that one of
the signs that the day of judgment is
near the slave girl will give birth to
her master there are several opinions Ibn Hajar
in his Sathul Bari mentions at least four
and he gives a preference to the fourth
opinion what does it mean he said وَالرَّابِعُ
the fourth opinion أَن يَكْتُرَ الْعُقُوقُ بَيْنَ الْأَوْلَادِ
فَيُعَامِلُ الْوَلَدُ أُمَّهُ مُعَامَلَةَ السَّيِّدِ أَمَتَحُ بِالإِهَانَةِ
وَالضَّرْبِ وَالإِحَانَةِ وَالسَّبِّ وَالإِسْتِخْدَعَ لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ
he said the fourth opinion and this is
his preference this is his chosen opinion the
fourth opinion is that this hadith means that
there will come a time where there will
be a marked increase in disobedience and harm
towards parents where a young man and a
woman will treat their mother and father as
though they were the master and the parent
was the slave with respect to exploitation, usage,
insult and beating لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ he
said if you see this then know that
the day of judgment is near has this
prophecy in your estimation come to pass?
it seems so how many parents will only
fall asleep tonight on this evening only after
they had dredged their pillows with tears of
grief because of the burden that their children
have become upon them in their life how
many parents have no dua to make but
oh Allah almighty spare me the heartache that
my son and my daughter is sending upon
us how many parents are complaining of the
backtalk of their children they're complaining of the
cold stares given to them by their children
complaining of young men and women who see
household duties as an obligation that they want
to avert at any cost they see children
who walk around with this awful, this ugly
sense of entitlement walking around the house and
posturing as though the world owes them something
sense of entitlement and what is amazing is
that all of those parents will say the
same thing none of this would have been
possible a decade ago it has changed no
doubt the Prophet ﷺ has spoken the truth
and no doubt we are seeing this prophecy
at least in part unfolding before our very
eyes and what is even more remarkable is
that you will find some so-called practicing
young men and women who will avoid the
major sins they say I have my doings
and I've got my slip ups but major
sins no I keep well away from them
alcohol never put it to my mouth, will
never sell it, buy it, trade with it,
never touch it Kabira, this is a major
sin drugs not at all, I know some
people who deal with it, I'd never go
near that stuff this is Kabira, this is
a major sin zina, fornication with God forbid,
I mean my eyes wander a little bit
from time to time but to go the
full length, no A'udhu Billah, why, this
is a Kabira, this is a major sin
interest, riba, A'udhu Billah, I wouldn't go
near it, it's a major sin yet the
same Muslim may have no problem carrying out
the most major of them all what is
it?
Bukhari and Muslim narrate on the authority of
Abu Bakr that the Messenger ﷺ said أَلَا
أُنَبِئُكُم بِأَكْبَرِ الْكَبَائِرِ shall I not tell you
of the most major of the major sins
the companions they said yes, O Messenger of
Allah and he gives them to him, he
said الْإِشْرَاكُ بِاللَّهِ وَعُقُوقُ الْوَالِدَيْنِ he said to
associate partners with Allah Jalla Jalaluhu the greatest
of all sins, the only sin that Allah
Almighty will never forgive and will cause eternity
for a person in Jahannam to associate a
partner with Allah and he said number two
to be harmful towards your mother and father
how could it be therefore that I avoid
every other sin yet this is the most
major of them all and I have no
problem in raising my voice over the voice
of my parents yet in the evening I
convince myself that somehow I am a practicing
Muslim you are upon the most major of
all sins that brings about a consequence in
the life of this world before the hereafter
meaning there are certain sins that Allah Almighty
through His mercy through His patience through His
forbearance will delay the punishment of which for
the hereafter He will not bring about the
punishment for it in the life of this
world it may be deferred to the day
of judgment if somebody does not apologize to
Allah before that there are however another category
of sins that Allah Almighty simply does not
tolerate and the consequence of them must come
to a person in the life of this
world you have to see the effects of
it on your life on your health on
your money on your children on your home
in your mental well-being you have to
see the consequence in the life of this
world before the hereafter it won't be deferred
and that is why Al-Hakim narrates on
the authority of Anas that the Prophet ﷺ
he said بَابَانِ مُعَجَّلَانِ عُقُوبَتُهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا قَبْلَ
الْآخِرَةِ البَغْيُ وَالْعُقُوبَةِ he said that there are
two sins the punishment of which will be
hurried in the life of this world before
the hereafter the first of them البغي oppression
tyranny Allah Almighty has to bring retribution in
dunya and this is good news for us
no doubt inshallah in Palestine what you see
there from a killing machine that is *
-bent on flattening everything that moves there in
Gaza and in the entire region it seems
this cannot persist it goes against the sunnah
the way of Allah Almighty in the universe
البغي oppression is one of the two and
the second causing harm to the mother and
father you have to see the outcome of
it in the life of this world there's
no escaping it unless you fix the situation
with a sincere apology to mother and father
and tears of regret otherwise it's a debt
that you have accrued and it needs to
be paid so O you who has perhaps
slammed a door in the face of your
father rest assured the day will come when
the door will be slammed in your face
O you who has raised her voice over
the voice of her mother because your mother
is apparently nagging and doing your nut in
rest assured take note of the date take
note of the place take note of the
event there will come a time when your
children will raise their voice over yours and
you will remember that it is a debt
that you are paying back if you God
forbid may Allah protect you brothers, sisters have
become a burden upon the life of your
mother or father in any way, shape or
form take note you will be experiencing a
similar burden and more often than not life
tells us that that burden will be in
the form of your own children I remember
there was also a study this idea of
being disrespectful to mother and father and suffering
in dunya because of it there were some
studies that were done a cohort study by
the National Longitudinal Study of Youth and they
did a study of young men and women
who were disrespectful to their parents as opposed
to children who were respectful to their parents
and they observed their life successes SubhanAllah and
they found that the children who were respectful
to their mother and father or the children
who were disrespectful to their mother and father
were more likely to grow up to be
depressed anxious three times more likely to be
obese more fragile less healthy and less creative
when is this?
in Jahannam?
no, in the life of this world these
are secular studies as compared to respectful children
so two sins Allah Almighty will hurry the
punishment for them in the life of this
world i.e. unless not fixed today before
tomorrow oppression causing harm to mom and dad
it's a bad investment choice and I remember
one of our contemporary scholars he shares a
phenomenal story that he himself experienced in the
streets of Egypt and he himself is Egyptian
and he said one day when I was
walking through the streets of Cairo I came
across a crowd huge crowd commotion and they
had surrounded a young man and it's like
they wanted to beat him and on the
other side of the crowd was an old
looking man with his hands on his face
and he was weeping his eyes out so
sheikh comes and he penetrates the crowd and
he says what's going on?
they said sheikh can you believe it?
this young man just slapped his dad across
the face and we're going to teach him
a lesson perfectly normal here perhaps in the
west to get away with something like this
where we come from no, that doesn't work
like that and I assume that's most of
the cultures here represented in this room we
will deal with him the sheikh he said
I seek refuge in Allah and in the
crowd they said one of them young man
from the crowd he said sheikh you know
what is strange about all of this?
is that the moment we detained this young
man and we were about to beat him
it was his dad who came and pushed
us away and said no don't do it
dad said don't hit him this is my
son and this is a debt that I
am paying back to Allah Almighty because when
I was a young man I slapped my
dad across his face in this exact spot
it has to come sooner or later if
your mother and father are sitting around go
and kiss their hands go and kiss their
feet and plead for their forgiveness and allow
your fortunes to change and Allah Almighty is
willing to change it doesn't have to be
this as an outcome and similarly the Prophet
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam he said we will conclude
with this hadith before we now start listing
our ways towards our mother and father our
mother Aisha narrates that the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam said I once entered paradise Allah Almighty
knows what it was perhaps this was during
his dream or it could have been during
the night journey he said I entered Jannah
I heard the sound of Quran being recited
in Jannah Allahu Akbar I said who is
this reciting Quran they said Al-Haritha Ibn
Nu'man it is Al-Haritha Ibn Nu'man and
so the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam he said
this is the outcome of being good to
your parents that is the outcome of being
good to your parents Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar
what sent him to Jannah reciting Quran it
was his dutifulness to his mother and father
so with this short introduction and no doubt
you can never give mom and dad their
due justice in terms of praising them and
speaking about them weeks on end moving on
with this short introduction we now speak about
our ways towards our mother and father what
is it that is required of you and
I towards mom and dad whether they are
alive or whether they have passed away I
know some of you here have experienced bereavement
from one or both and so Alhamdulillah Inshallah
you will not be excluded let us begin
with four ways or four mannerisms towards our
mother and father if they are still with
us and this door to Jannah is still
open and we will speak about five Inshallah
for those who have experienced a demise in
either one of their parents or both our
ways towards our parents if they are Alhamdulillah
still alive number one and take note make
them feel honored I know it will come
naturally to you as a son or as
a daughter to honor your mom and dad
if you feel that they deserve to be
honored if your parents have carried out their
duties towards you as a good mom and
dad they've raised you well then you don't
need to be told to honor them because
that is a reflex in all of us
the challenge is for you to honor your
mother and father when you feel deep down
that they don't deserve it maybe your dad
walked out on you when you were still
a young man maybe your father was a
little bit heavy handed towards you maybe it
was your mother maybe you were hurt by
one of your parents or both it doesn't
come naturally to you to want to honor
somebody who has caused you so much harm
I understand that but here the proposition is
that you and I are to honor them
not because we feel that they are worthy
of honor or otherwise we are to honor
them because Allah Jalla Jalaluhu has instructed us
to honor them irrespective of how you may
feel towards them you are glorifying Allah Jalla
Jalaluhu when you honor your mother and father
irrespective of how you may feel about them
or what they may have done to you
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala He said wa
qada rabbuka alla ta'budu illa iyahu wa
bilwalidayni ihsana one of the most profound ayat
in the Qur'an in this department Allah
Almighty has decreed He has instructed He has
obligated that you worship only Allah Almighty and
He has decreed He has instructed He has
obligated that you are good to your mother
and father side by side He said imma
yablughanna innaka alkibara ahaduhuma awkilahuma fala takullahuma uf
it may be Allah said that one of
them or both of them reach old age
with you so don't you ever even say
to them uf the Qur'an said uf
don't even say to them uf wala tanharhuma
and do not shout at them wakullahuma qawlan
kareema and offer them an honorable word a
generous word then the Qur'an said and
look at this depiction wakhfidlahuma janaha thundi min
arrahma and lower to them your wing of
humility from mercy wakullahuma and always say my
Lord have mercy upon them both as they
raised me when I was young make them
feel honored Zayn al-Abideen one of the
grandsons of Ali ibn Abi Talib he was
a man who was known to be incredibly
dutiful and connecting to his mother the only
thing was that he would never be seen
eating from the same plate as his mom
he would always insist on a separate plate
and they would ask him you're one of
the most kind people we know towards your
mother how come when it comes to food
you eat from a separate dish and he
said the following words he said akhaafu akhaafu
he said because I fear that my hand
should reach out for some of the food
that her eye has already reached and therefore
I would have disobeyed her in the eyes
of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Allahu Akbar
incredible and Muhammad ibn Sirin who is one
of the tabi'een one of the servants
of Anas ibn Malik the servant of the
Prophet Muhammad ﷺ used to behave in a
very unique and peculiar way in the presence
of his mother it was as if he
was ill and they observed him once sat
in the presence of his mother as though
he had been stung by a scorpion they
said to him are you ill ya Muhammad
and others they said no he's not ill
walakinnahu hakada yakunu idha kana inda umnihi this
is how he behaves when he is sat
in the presence of his mother as though
he is sat with a queen or a
king la ilaha illallah so of course this
is naturally very different to those who may
sit with their mother and father with their
feet extended in the face of mum and
dad you've got your feet you've got your
soles you've got your shoes in the face
of your mother and father and mum and
dad may not tell you to put down
your feet because they want you to be
comfortable but deep down they're thinking I mean
is that what I'm worth or you may
be on your phone your mum and dad
crave your attention you and I will not
understand this craving for the attention of your
childhood you become a parent and you're there
on your phone making it clear to mum
and dad that I wish I wasn't here
I wish I was elsewhere and because I
cannot be elsewhere I'll be online elsewhere though
I physically I have to be here stuck
with you that's the message you're sending to
mum and dad the idea of making mum
and dad feel honoured is an act of
ibadah an act of worship that also should
influence the tone of voice when speaking to
them and the modulation of your facial expressions
when you're conversing with them it's that sensitive
it is the tone of voice what was
the ayah that we just recited وَقُلْ لَهُمَا
قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا offer them an honourable word Allah
said offer them a generous word القُرْطُ بِهِ
narrated in his tafsir that Said al-Musayyib
was asked a question I understand every verse
in the Qur'an that speaks about honouring
the mum and dad except this one قُلْ
لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا give them an honourable word
or a generous word what does it mean
to offer mum and dad a generous word
I don't understand it Said al-Musayyib he
said it is like the speech of a
guilty slave who's been caught by a harsh
master it is like the speech of a
guilty slave who has just been caught by
a stern and harsh master that's the type
of way that you speak with mother and
father now I know it may be not
possible to do this all of the time
but I want you to understand how our
predecessors saw mum and dad the tone of
the voice is different when you speak with
them and that's why Abdullah ibn Awan one
of the predecessors his mother called him and
he responded with a tone that was slightly
louder than the tone of her voice when
she called him and he considered this a
major sin and so he freed two slaves
as an atonement as an explanation for this
sin she called him Abdullah and he said
yes a few decibels higher than the decibels
of his mother's call for that for him
this was a major sin and he freed
two slaves and just for those who are
unsure the idea of freeing slaves in Islam
is connected to the major sins in the
religion like accidental killing like matrimonial relations with
your spouse during the fasting hours in Ramadan
you free slaves because Islam is using every
opportunity to encourage freedom for him this was
of that category Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah what have I
done and he frees two slaves so how
would Abdullah ibn Awn have reacted if he
saw some of the loud mouth and foul
mouth behaviour towards mother and father young man
who is screaming at the top of his
voice because the food is not what he
expected or the food was a little bit
late or because his socks were not arranged
in his wardrobe or a young man or
woman who are banging on the side of
their car hurry up hurry up mom god's
sake you're always so slow the poor lady
is scrambling around the house trying to get
things together to spare herself from the wrath
of her child as a rule take it
as a rule if your mother or father
find themselves in need to change the tone
of their voice when they speak with you
and to adjust their facial expressions when speaking
with you know very well you have failed
in the department of bir and in the
eyes of Allah you are treading on extremely
thin eyes so make them feel honoured even
when it comes to the tone that you
use with them and the facial expressions that
you use facial expressions mean a lot al
-munawi he said in his book faydu al
-qadir listen to this subhanallah he said al
-uqooku kama anahu yakoonu bilqawli walfa'ali fakathalika
yakoonu billahdi al-mush'ar bilghadab he said
disobedience to mother and father and harming them
is possible by way of actions and words
and it is also possible by way of
facial expressions that give off the vibe that
you are upset al-uqook this is also
cutting off ties with your mother and father
make them feel honoured and by the way
this idea of honouring mother and father also
crosses over into this conversation about how to
advise mum and dad if they are doing
something wrong how does a child offer advice
to a parent when the parent is doing
something genuinely sinful not what you think is
sinful because of a booklet that you may
have read something that is genuinely wrong and
haram how does a young man advise the
parent and it's something that the scholars have
looked into why?
because the advisee the one who is receiving
the advice usually feels that the advisor is
speaking from a higher playing field so how
do you do this when Allah almighty said
about parents lower your wing of humility to
them and now I'm supposed to go higher
and advise them how do we do it?
it perplexed the scholars so Imam Ahmad ibn
Hanbal for example he said he gave a
short answer to this problem he said when
advising your father it's not like advising anybody
else sort it out be polite but just
realize your dad is not like anyone else
Al Ghazali he said that advice is of
five categories five levels only two is suitable
for mom and dad the other three do
not befit them you can't the first is
the level of giving information that's suitable for
mom and dad just give information the second
level is the level of gentle advice he
said the other three levels are simply not
befitting for mother and father because their status
is too high and as for Imam Malik
he said you can enjoy good and you
can't forbid them from evil he said however
listen you lower your wing of humility from
mercy as you do so where did he
get this expression from the Qur'an so
what was our way or adab number one
what is it my brothers make them feel
honored number two rush to their service everything
you possess from your time or your wealth
or your sweat or your effort or your
resources the worthiest of them is your mother
and father especially for you my brother Abdullah
ibn Umar he comes across a man in
Mecca circumambulating around the Kaaba doing his tawaf
and he is carrying his mother on his
back look at that and this man was
saying I am her camel I am her
camel and then he turns to Abdullah ibn
Umar and he said do you think that
have I paid her back have I fulfilled
my responsibility towards mum look at what I
am doing I am carrying her on my
back and I am helping her with her
pilgrimage in this way and I am calling
myself her camel he said to him you
haven't my brother even paid back a single
one of the contractions that she felt when
she did a video far from it and
Amr the son of Maimun ibn Mahran is
walking with his father until they come across
a puddle of water his dad is too
ill and too old to walk through that
water so Amr he crouches down onto all
fours making himself into a human bridge allowing
his father to walk over his back this
is birr this is dutifulness to mum and
dad and one of the predecessors by the
name of Abu Umar was asked about his
son Dhar how does Dhar behave with you
and he said put it like this whenever
we walk together in the night he is
walking in front of me and when we
are walking by day he is walking behind
me and when we are in a building
he will never go upstairs and stand above
me ya salam and Haywa ibn Shurayh who
was nicknamed Abu Zura the famous scholar of
hadith from the tabi'een he'd be in
a class like this teaching the students hadith
of the prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam and Zura
was a real star in the community then
his mother would come and she would say
ya Haywa Qum At'imid Dajaj Haywa get
up go and feed the chickens and he
wouldn't be you know arrogant or embarrassed and
he'd make his way and he'd put the
seeds or the food for the chickens rush
to their service we're going to speak about
this in detail in a moment number three
accept their counsel accept the advice that comes
to you from mum and dad there's going
to come moments or there will be moments
in your life when you will need to
make both minor and major decisions that have
serious consequence on your future the intelligent one
the muwaffaq the guided one is a person
who consults his mother and father with these
aspects and don't for one moment make your
mother and father feel that they are somehow
backward stuck in a different time zone in
a different generation that the world that they
live in is still black and white with
the flintstones and dinosaurs therefore what's the point
of asking them for advice they don't know
what I'm going through they don't understand the
21st century don't be that person be that
person who consults your mother and father on
the minor and the major and accept their
counsel as much as you can and if
you really feel that you need to go
against them because there are conflicting opinions now
about who you're going to marry where you're
going to work or how you're going to
invest and so on then at least do
your level best to convince them to win
over their heart so that you do not
lose them so that you don't make them
feel dishonored and disrespected and wherever possible ah
caveat wherever possible for you to forego what
you think is ideal and to accept their
opinion though you're not too sure about it
realize that the promise of Allah is وَمَن
يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَا خَرَجَ وَيَرْزُقُهُ وَمَن
يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَا خَرَجَ وَيَرْزُقُهُ they
say whoever is conscious of Allah Almighty He
will provide for him a way out of
every problem and He will provide for him
from places where He least expects we have
seen this time and time again young men
and women who give up who forfeit their
opinion though they may want it but it's
going to lose they will lose the respect
of their mother and father they will lose
the affection of mom and dad so they
give up what they want and what they
feel is right and they go with what
mom and dad want and more often than
not Allah will bless this person and bless
their decisions sooner or later Abdul Wahhab Al
-Warraq had a son by the name of
Hassan Hassan wanted to go to a business
trip in Samurra in Iraq his father did
not want him to go because Iraq was
going through political turmoil at the time he
said to him son I heard you're going
to Samurra he said yes dad it's a
business trip he said if you go I'm
not speaking to you again I don't want
you to go he said I obeyed him
I gave up the business deal and I
stayed at home he said Allah Almighty provided
so much after that and Allah gave me
abundance so all praise belongs to Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala brothers, sisters only Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala knows of the pain that
goes through the heart of your father when
you endeavor to make him feel that he
is backward and disconnected from your reality today
he tries to convince you but you are
going out of your way to prove to
him why you should reject his counsel and
why you know more than he does and
every now and then you will fire at
him some complicated words just to prove to
him that you don't know what they mean
so you got to trust me on this
one and only Allah Almighty knows my sister
of the pain that your mother experiences when
you for example mock her taste in clothes
you say to her oh mommy you don't
know how to pick clothes so and so
aunty so and so cousin has much better
taste than you now for you that's just
a passing comment but that may injure your
mother you know why because what you may
have forgotten is that which your mother still
remembers your mother still remembers the days when
she used to carry you from shop to
shop ensuring that you were going to wear
the best attire the best clothes so that
the kids in school don't laugh at you
and now that you've reached your full age
of maturity you are doing to your mother
the very thing she sought to protect you
from so accept their counsel consult them even
on small things my brother consult them could
I buy a new phone dad samson iphone
what do you think consult him for you
it's a passing consultation for him it's ya
Allah he remembers me he still respects me
consult him I need your opinion father this
university or that university advise me dad they're
offering me a promotion should I take it
you think I should look elsewhere for a
different job I don't want to get too
entrenched in this one advise me dad I
need your counsel advise me I'm looking to
buy a home what's the best model the
best scheme out there dad what do you
think well I don't know son ok you've
done your bit you've consulted him consult him
alhamdulillah it's a boy the scan said it's
a boy dad it's a girl what do
you suggest for names dad what do you
suggest for names mom help us out because
your opinion means the world to me I
can't function without your opinion consult them that's
part of your connection with Allah Jalla Jalaluhu
this is point number one point number three
what's number one make them feel honoured because
you may honour them but they don't interpret
it as honour you've got to make sure
they register it as honour what's number two
rush to their service number three accept their
counsel number four be an initiative taker Dr.
Salman how long have we been speaking not
long enough good answer so I think you've
made up for that earlier conversation we had
outside be an initiative taker you and I
if we live long enough we will have
to experience the day of parting between mother
and father parting I mean death and in
my short time here on this planet and
my conversations with those who've lost parents I've
come to realise that one of the many
regrets that people have after they've bade farewell
to mother or father or both is how
stupid they were as children that they believed
their mum and dad when they said no
thanks darling I don't need anything you said
to them Baba Mama do you need anything
and then they said Barakallahu feekum we're good
everything is alright and you believed them you
walked away patting yourself on the back as
though you fulfilled your duty towards mother and
father you deceived yourself into thinking that you'd
carried out your duty towards them on that
day and only when you became a parent
you realised the lie with all due respect
to our mothers and fathers the lie that
they told us when they said thank you
I don't need anything no they did need
things they did they needed a whole host
of things but it's the knee jerk reaction
of mother and father it's the parental fitrah
the disposition to prefer you over themselves to
put your needs ahead of themselves the first
thing that you realise as a parent is
this lie that your parents were told you
when you said to them do you need
anything and they said no thank you I
don't need anything and now that we have
become adults we somehow feel the sense of
entitlement that we are worthier of the offerings
of life now mum and dad are old
they've lived their life to the fullest they're
mature they're not into tech and money anymore
they're not into fancy food and dessert anymore
it's about me and my kids now it's
about us we are the ones who need
to be taken care of they need to
spend on us because they've lived life to
the full be an initiative taker don't wait
for your father to come to you and
say Baba I need help with something shame
on us shame on us if we have
to leave it to a point where mum
and dad need to come and take the
initiative without you through your intelligence through your
intuition to realise before they even need to
speak about their need take the initiative see
what they require take a walk through the
house of your parents peel your eyes be
vigilant be smart be perceptive what do they
need don't wait for them to ask the
banisters do they need a quick dust down
the carpet that you're walking on your parents
home is it a little bit worn out
it's time to replace their carpet for them
why don't you and your siblings come together
and renovate their bathrooms renovate their kitchens without
them needing to ask take the initiative go
into your father's wardrobe if this is appropriate
that is and see does he need a
new bundle of socks what does he need
has your father's favourite aftershave run out what
do they require don't wait for mum and
dad to come and present their needs to
you and you never believe them the moment
they say to you we don't need anything
we've agreed that we will not accept this
from them take the initiative and beware of
thinking that somehow now you are worthier of
the offerings of life no your father still
appreciates a new phone your father is still
into tech and your mother still likes the
latest perfumes they do and they appreciate new
items in the kitchen and they appreciate food
and they appreciate dessert and they appreciate life
just as much as you do and they
are not any less in the hierarchy of
worthiness than you and your kids are you've
travelled around the world you've had a few
vacations you've got one or two homes to
your name what about your mother and father
enrich them don't wait for them to ask
beware of thinking or being deceived by the
mature demeanour of your mother and father I
mean you look at them they're so calm
they're so honourable they're so respectable that you
end up forgetting that behind all of this
very prestigious facade is a child at the
heart of your parent in the heart of
every human being no matter what you become
in life through scholarship or age or experience
there is still in the heart of every
one of us a child that loves to
be pampered loves to be taken care of
loves to be honoured and spoiled the parents
now that they've hit the age of 60
or 70 or 80 do you think they're
an exception to this now?
they don't need this no no they need
it but it's their fitrah to never ask
and even if your mother and father have
asked something of you realize there's 10 other
things that they have not asked because their
nature is to provide your life to take
care of yours even if it comes at
their expense this is number 4 take the
initiative for those of us whose parents may
have passed away one or the other may
Allah Jalla Jalaluhu give them pardon their sins
you may be thinking to yourself Ya Rabb
how much of this lecture applies to me?
one of the widest doors of Jannah has
now closed before me I say to you
Alhamdulillah Allah Almighty's rahmah his mercy is vast
and it encompasses you as well though your
parents may not be with you today and
there are still ways to honour them to
glorify Allah Almighty through this phenomenal opportunity called
mother and father even though they may have
passed away they are 6 feet under how?
listen to the hadith of Abu Usaid Malik
Ibn Rabi'ah who by the way is
the last of the warriors of the battle
of Badr to die his name is Abu
Usaid Malik Ibn Rabi'ah he narrates and
says بينما نحن جلوس عند رسول الله صلى
الله عليه وسلم إذ جاء رجل من بني
سلمة whilst we were sat with the Prophet
صلى الله عليه وسلم a man from the
tribe of Salama came into the gathering and
he asked a phenomenal question he said يا
رسول الله O Messenger of Allah هل بقي
من بري أبوي أبروهما به بعد موتهما O
Messenger of Allah is there any way I
can still be good to my mother and
father even though they have died يا سلام
he said to him yes and he gives
them a schedule of 5 items take note
of them he said الصلاة عليهم to make
dua for them والاستغفار لهم to ask Allah
Almighty to forgive their sins وإنفاذ عهدهما من
بعدهما and to carry out their final wishes
before they die وصلة الرحم التي لا توصل
إلا بهما and to uphold your family ties
that you now have because of them وإكرام
صديقهما and to honour their friends يا سلام
make dua for them never forget your mother
and father in your dua when you are
doing your witr salah when you are prostrating
when you are drinking zamzam when you are
circumambulating around the Kaaba when you are in
the depths of the night in the last
third calling upon Allah جل جلاله when you
are walking to the masjid when you are
travelling when you are ill between أذاناً إقامة
every moment where dua is answered before the
sun sets on a Friday make abundant dua
for your mother and father lest Allah almighty
may send you children who will remember you
in dua when you need it most and
you're no longer around to do good deeds
dua for them the second one was to
ask Allah to forgive their sins so this
is also dua but it's a specific dua
pertaining to the sins they may have committed
Ya Rabbi pardon them Ya Rabbi forgive them
Ya Rabbi they didn't know Ya Rabbi they
didn't have access to knowledge and lectures like
we did Ya Rabbi have mercy upon them
that's number two number three was what carrying
out their final wishes before they passed away
number four to maintain the family ties that
you still have because of them you are
a Hamuda or you are a Saeed or
you are a Mia or you are a
Khan because of your mother and father and
number five this is a beautiful one SubhanAllah
as well which is to honour their friends
there were people that your father used to
love being around there were friends that your
mother used to love their company you honour
them as though they are your parents now
why?
because they were connected to your mother and
father and I remember SubhanAllah a family member
he wasn't a family member he was an
Egyptian friend he used to come to us
from Western Supermarket to Bristol on almost a
weekly basis with all of his sons and
visit my grandfather Muhammad Ali on a weekly
basis he did this for years and he
would bring him gifts and he would do
his shopping and and and and he didn't
need any of it because we were around
Alhamdulillah I said to my dad one day
why is doctor so and so so keen
to visit my grandfather and what is it?
is it just niceness or is there is
there something that I I'm missing here he
said no his dad used to honour your
grandfather his dad used to be close friends
with your grandfather so he wants to maintain
the friends of his father as a continuation
to his dutifulness to his dad now that
he has died Allahu Akbar I'm going to
conclude brothers with some practical suggestions moving forward
take note of these five or six practical
suggestions for you to go home with in
terms of how to bring happiness to the
heart of your mother and father the first
of them very quickly praise them to their
face Alhamdulillah I passed an exam this is
by Allah's Tawfiq the new mum and dad
Alhamdulillah I my investment finally is bringing a
return this is by Allah's Tawfiq his aid
then it's because of you mother and father
you are praised in any one of your
circles in public this is by Allah's Fadl
oh mother and father his bounty and then
because of your nurturing of me you write
a book you put in the forward after
praising Allah a thank a thank you to
your mother and father praise them make them
feel worthy attribute attribute all of your success
to Allah Jalla Jalaluhu then to your mother
and father and make them know that is
how you feel that's number one take that
away you can start that today number two
give a sadaqa on behalf of your mother
and father show it to them that could
be an orphanage that you build in their
name a masjid that you build in their
name a well that you dig in their
name or a sponsor an orphan that you
sponsor in their name and these charities may
Allah reward them they provide this service I'm
sure some of you have seen it where
whatever well is dug they can provide a
plaque with your name of the beneficiary the
name of the beneficiary show that to your
mother and father show those poor people who
are benefiting from the water with the name
of your mom or dad or both on
it and I can guarantee you that they
will shed as many tears as there are
drops of water in that well they will
make dua for you and that moment of
happiness in their heart may be your entry
to Jannah that's number two give a sadaqa
on their behalf number three when they are
speaking with you pay attention get off your
phone my brother my sister please and look
at them in the face I know this
seems basic and straightforward but wallahi we fall
short on the basics at times make eye
contact with them ensure that your body is
facing them nod as they speak give them
the reassurance that we've synchronized I hear what
you say modulate your facial expressions to show
them I'm interested I'm benefiting from what you're
saying ask them questions to elaborate on certain
things that they said reassure them that you're
listening to every word they say if your
father gives you advice thank him for the
advice and tell him how life changing it
has been if your father shares with you
a story tell him how profound the story
was if your mother and father tell you
something that you already know don't say yeah
I know I know I know yeah I
know I know I know don't do that
pretend as though it's the first time you
hear it make them feel very valued as
they speak and remove every distraction number what?
number four give huge attention to calling them
and the calls that they give you if
you're unable to visit them on a daily
basis or every other day then try to
call them on a daily basis wherever applicable
and when you call your father or mother
don't give them the impression that you can't
wait until you get off the phone don't
make it a cold and boring conversation with
long silences speak with them with warmth and
engage and when your mother or father calls
you never prioritize anything that you are doing
at that moment over the call of your
mother and father and you are aware of
what happened to Juraid the worshipper who delayed
the call of his mother whilst he was
in prayer and the horrible consequence he faced
as a result of that and what was
distracting him was Salah not his wife or
husband or food or entertainment it was Salah
and yet you know the repercussions of what
happened because he delayed the call of his
mother anything that you are doing at that
time steps aside and makes space for your
mother and father when they call your entire
world comes to a pause when you see
the name of mum and dad appearing on
your phone that's number what?
number four number five be very perceptive to
the needs of your parents we alluded to
this earlier be smart be intelligent don't wait
for them to need to ask anything of
you you are sat in a gathering you
are all sat on the couches on the
sofas your dad comes into the room don't
wait for your father to say is there
any space for me ya habibi get up
I'm offering him the finest space in the
room if your father sat in the room
and you see his eyes moving from side
to side don't wait for him to talk
read him baba what do you need?
cushion?
pillow?
what do you require?
tea?
coffee?
it's on me what do you need baba?
you are eating with them don't wait for
your mum to reach out to bring everything
near them near them what do you need?
when your father does this as he's eating
baba what do you need?
tissues tissues here's the tissues serve them as
though they are kings and queens and don't
wait for them to vocalize a need read
it be smart be intelligent you're sat in
a gathering be near your father nobody in
that gathering is more important than your dad
when your friends come in introduce them this
is my father this is the main man
here he is it's my dad tea coffee
you're serving it you begin with your father
you begin with your parent before anybody else
be perceptive be aware be vigilant be smart
read them don't just hear them read their
needs interpret it extrapolate preempt that's number what?
number 5 number 6 when you come to
your parents house come with a gift a
lot of us we come to mom and
dad's house, those who say, we're here to
eat.
What's in the kitchen, mom?
Comfort eating, nothing like your mother's kitchen, no
doubt.
And your parents are very happy, don't get
me wrong, to see you coming, even if
it's for you just to eat.
But send the right message by coming in
with a gift, because this is not a
better breakfast.
It's your parents' house.
Give them a gift.
And I know that anybody else will be
looking at price tag.
Your parents are the only ones who will
not look at the price tag, it's invisible,
they can't see it.
A pound and a thousand is the same.
Why?
Because it's come from you.
It's come from you.
Anybody else in life who you try to
please and make them happy, the bar only
gets higher and higher.
And so if the next gift you buy
does not outshine the gift before it, it's
lost its value.
Parents don't operate like that.
Why?
I'll tell you why.
This is the mentality of a parent, allahu
akbar.
For a lifetime, your mother and father have
been giving you unconditionally.
They have provided you everything they had in
their name and disposal without asking anything back.
Therefore, when you become an adult, your parents
are always looking for the evidence to suggest
that you remember that.
If it's a small gift, worthless in your
eyes, those on the other side see it
as the world.
Why?
Because it's a sign that you remember what
I have done for you and you still
appreciate me and I'm part of your life.
And here is what is amazing, ya Allah,
take note of this, ya shabab.
Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la's pleasure
is connected to two people who are the
easiest to please in the life of this
world.
Did you get this?
Allah's rida, Allah's acceptance of you, al-firdaws
al-a'la, the highest places in Jannah
is connected to two people who happen to
be the easiest in this world to please,
mom and dad.
So how ignorant, how unblessed, how wretched is
a person who fails to enter Jannah through
a door that is wide open, yet never
has the hidayah, the guidance to walk through
it.
And one of the ways of doing this,
one of the many ways is to offer
a small symbolic gift to mom and dad
every now and then when you visit them
because they see the Chanel's, they see the
Armani's, it's coming into your life.
Your mom stays quiet, I know.
There's something in her heart that says, what
about me?
What about me?
No one is worthier than your mother and
father.
Brothers and sisters, this is the end.
In conclusion, allow me just to say the
following words.
Cherish them, ya shabab, cherish them.
Lest a day come, and it will come
when you realize that the loss of mother
and father is irreplaceable.
Nothing can take their place.
For many people, it has to be death
that reminds them of this reality.
If your parents need you today, and it's
causing you a little bit of a headache,
remember that there was a time in the
past when your need for them was far
greater than their need for you will ever
be.
Remember that.
If mom and dad are a little bit
annoying today because they're asking of some of
your money, remember that there came a time
when you asked something much more from your
parents.
You asked for their undivided attention.
You asked for their youth.
You asked for a space in the womb,
in the body of your mother.
You asked for your mother's blood.
You asked for her calcium from her bones.
And your back became straight at the expense
of her back that arched.
Your muscles became strong at the expense of
their bones that decreased in density.
And your hair became thick, mashallah, and lush
at the expense of her hair that has
now become so thin.
You've drained them.
You've asked for all of these things from
them, and you asked of their youth, and
you asked of their money.
What is it, therefore, when father says to
you, can you deliver this for me?
Your wife says, your mother says, can you
deliver this for me?
You get agitated, ya Rabb.
I don't have time, I gotta go.
And you just forgot at that moment that
when your mother delivered you, she saw death,
she looked it in the eyes.
She screamed in agony because you'd spent nine
months kicking her in the ribs.
She was already sore from inside, taking from
her.
And if anybody had behaved with you and
caused you a fraction of the harm that
you caused and I caused to my mother,
you'd hate them forever.
You'd cut them off forever, wallahi.
It was just a few seconds after your
mother saw you, this complete stranger who's caused
me so much pain for nine months, been
kicking me inside out, and didn't allow me
to stand or sit or lie down or
eat, and I was vomiting.
Seconds, one, two seconds, she sees him.
She falls in love, and she has no
way to express it, but to bring her
close to her chest, never wanting to separate
you from her.
That's your mother.
And when you cried, her world came crashing
down.
When you smiled, it was as if the
universe was smiling at her.
When you were ill, she stayed next to
you, nursing you, bringing down your temperature until
dawn, and she never complained.
And this is the secret why you and
I can never repay our mothers and fathers.
Because when you were a child, they took
care of you whilst really hoping for your
long life.
And today, as you take care of them,
you are doing it, hiding a desire for
their death.
It's a reality for so many people.
And we will be convinced at times by
Shaykh Effan that there are other people who
love us more than our parents, whether it's
my wife, my husband, my friends, the guys
I chill with, the guys I trade with.
That's the greatest illusion in the human experience.
When money begins to fade, and charm begins
to fade, and attraction disappears, and your success
disappears, you look around you, everybody who claimed
to love you unconditionally have disappeared as well.
There's only two people left in the distance
willing to give you your second chance, though
you had always placed them second place.
That's the mother and father, ajeeb.
And lastly, I will tell you this.
There may be some sins in your life
that you have committed, my brother, my sister,
that you are very afraid of meeting Allah
Almighty with.
Whatever that sin may be.
And I know it chastises you, it bothers
you a lot, because you've repented and you've
changed your ways.
And you've tried to erase those sins through
hajj.
You've tried to erase those sins through repentance.
You've tried to erase those sins through salah.
Well done, you keep doing that.
But I would like to make one final
proposition, and that is to erase any sin
of the past that grieves you through honoring
your mother and father.
And that is why a man came to
Abdullah ibn Abbas, and he said to him,
I've committed a major sin.
He said, what did you do?
He said, I have proposed to a woman
for marriage, and she rejected me.
So I walked away, then another man came
and proposed to her for marriage.
She accepted.
This broke my heart.
I became jealous, and I killed her.
Can Allah Almighty forgive me?
He said to him, is your mother alive?
He said, no, she's passed away.
He said, then repent to Allah Almighty and
ask for his mercy.
Ata ibn Yasar, who is the narrator of
this incident, he said to Ibn Abbas after
this conversation finished, he said, why did you
ask about his mother?
He said to him, because I do not
know of any deed that is nearer to
Allah Almighty than honoring the mother.
Ibn Ahmad, Ibn Maqool, and others have said,
honoring the parents is a means of wiping
away the major sins.
Treat your track record of sin that you
and I no doubt have by going to
your mother, kissing her feet, massaging her feet,
kissing her head, doing the shopping of the
parents, and preempting their needs with the niyyah,
not only that you are glorifying Allah Almighty
most importantly, but you are also dealing with
a heavy luggage of sin that you're not
ready to meet Allah Almighty with.
On Yawm al-Qiyamah.
We ask Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A
'la to have mercy upon our mothers and
fathers.
We ask Allah Almighty to inspire them to
be pleased with us.
We ask Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A
'la to have mercy of those parents of
ours who have beaten us to the grave.
May Allah Almighty elevate their rank and forgive
their sins, and fill their quboor, their graves,
with light and rahmah and barakah and khairat.
May Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
reward them for all what they have offered
us in this world.
May Allah Almighty honor them on Yawm al
-Qiyamah and allow them to be in the
company of our beloved Muhammad ﷺ.
SallAllahu alayhi wa sallam wa sallamu ala nabiyyin
wa muhammadin.
Alhamdulillah.