Ali Hammuda – Our Ways in Raising Children #04 – Episode 10 – Our Ways
AI: Summary ©
The importance of raising Muslim children in difficult environments is discussed, including categorization of age bracket, sharia culture, and the importance of early intervention during the learning process. The importance of observation and imitation in learning, protecting children from traumatic experiences, and protecting children from the dark is emphasized. The transformation of young children in their early stages of their lives is discussed, including the importance of language and language learning, finding success in life, and creating a home for them. The importance of learning and experience in life, including parenting, communication, and personal development is emphasized.
AI: Summary ©
Alhamdulillahi wahdahu wa s-salatu wa s-salamu
ala man la nabiya ba'dahu wa ala alihi
wa sahbihi ajma'een Wonderful to see you,
my dear brothers, our sisters upstairs, Jazakumullahu khayran
for joining us.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you
for every one of the footsteps you've taken
to the house of Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
So this is the last session in our
journey of understanding our ways as Muslims, of
the methodology of raising not only righteous but
effective Muslim children.
We've had three sessions so far, I don't
think we need to recap it because of
last week, Alhamdulillah, it became clear that brothers
are documenting things, Alhamdulillah.
Finally, it's slowly becoming a culture after a
decade and a half, Alhamdulillah, of waiting, of
writing, documenting, and more importantly, I hope, memorizing,
understanding thereafter, and more importantly, applying for the
rest of your life.
So this is session number four, and the
more really I delve into this topic, the
more I realize how much injustice I have
given to it.
It is something that requires hours and hours
and weeks upon weeks to discuss this phenomenal
human construct called Insan and Tarbiyah.
The raising of a righteous and effective Muslim
is from one perspective so simple, from another
perspective it's one of the most sophisticated things
that you can engage in.
So really we are at the mercy of
Allah Almighty and we ask him to enable
us to raise these righteous and effective Muslims
in this very challenging terrain.
What I'm going to do for the duration
of this evening, Inshallah, is to give you
the format, I'm going to categorize the different
age brackets, starting from Abaath all the way
until the age of 40 and perhaps beyond
if you wish.
And for each one of those age brackets,
we're going to give it a defining feature,
meaning what is expected, generally speaking, from a
Muslim parent to behave in an optimal way
if and when your child reaches phase one,
phase two, and phase three.
So we're going to have ages this to
that, and then an age of this to
that, several age brackets, and we're going to
create a defining feature for each one of
them.
And rather than me doing this, I thought
it would be a good idea to pass
the baton over to yourselves.
Take a few minutes and speak to the
person next to you.
Let's say three minutes maximum, and I want
you to engage in this exercise.
Is the exercise clear?
Does anybody not understand the exercise?
Put your hand up.
Ah, my neighbor.
The exercise is we're going to categorize the
age of a child, his journey in life,
through several age brackets.
You choose what the age bracket is.
If you think it should start at, for
example, zero, when does it stop?
Say three or four years old.
Okay, from three until what age?
Say maybe 10.
Why 10?
10 until 15, 16, 18, right?
And then for each one of those phases,
I want you to think about what is
the defining feature of that phase.
Okay, time.
Bismillah.
Who's going to start the first age bracket?
Zero to five.
Did anybody else have zero to five?
You had zero to five, and at the
back as well.
Zero to seven.
Okay.
So why zero to five?
Okay, and what was your second phase?
Five to 10, and then?
10 to 15, so we're going up in
fives.
Okay, let me guess the last one.
What's after 15?
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, makes sense.
Okay, so that's a systematic approach.
Very consistent.
Why not?
Yeah, it's not an exact science, right?
Does somebody have anything different?
Yes, uncle.
Ah, okay, that's interesting.
So we take it from conception.
Okay, good.
And then from conception to?
Then we continue with the fives.
That's it.
Good.
Okay.
Saheb, did you have something different?
Similar.
Is that just a cop-out?
Okay, tell me sheikh, what do you have?
Ah, you said zero to seven, didn't you?
But the question here for me is, before
we get to you inshaAllah, why seven?
This is an interesting number.
So our brother gave the justifications.
Why seven?
Why seven?
Yes, brother.
Very good.
Okay.
Four to eight.
And then from eight to?
And then from puberty until?
Allah akbar.
MashaAllah.
And then at forty onwards is somebody else's
problem, surely.
Surely by forty.
Okay.
One more.
Anything different to what we've heard?
Go ahead, sheikh.
Zero to seven.
Yes, Allah akbar.
Good, mashaAllah.
Okay.
So the scholars of Tarbiyah, they have different
ways of categorizing the ages, and that's why
I was very keen to hear your opinions
and how you would see it.
And I think if I had given you
a bit more time, perhaps you would bring
it a little bit closer to what I'm
going to share with you.
And these categorizations that I share with you
seem to be the ages that the shari
'ah has considered, i.e. the ages in
a child's life that the shari'ah has
spoken about with respect to a number and
attached some instruction to that number.
So it is an attempt.
And let me know what you think.
The first age bracket is from zero to
two.
Why two years old?
Nobody mentioned the ayah from surah al-Baqarah.
This is the age of what?
This is the age of breastfeeding and weaning.
Allah Almighty, He said, وَالْوَالِدَاتُ يُرْضَعْنَا أَوْلَادَهُنَّ حَوْلَيْنِ
كَامِلَيْنِ لِمَنْ أَرَادَ أَن يُتِمَّ الرَّضَاعَ That the
breastfeeding period is for two full years, for
those who want to complete the period.
The ayah goes on to say that if
husband and wife, through consultation and talk, they
decide to wean the child before the full
term, then that is completely up to them.
So this is the first phase, from zero
to two.
And this is demarcated or defined as what?
The period of breastfeeding.
The second phase is from two until seven
years old.
Because the Prophet ﷺ told us that the
age of seven is when you begin to
instruct your child to do what?
To pray.
So the age of seven was mentioned by
the Prophet ﷺ.
And the majority of the Muslim jurists, the
fuqaha, say that seven is the age of
what?
Somebody mentioned it.
You mentioned it.
Tamyeez.
So you said it was eight years old.
But it's that whereabouts.
Seven years old is the age of tamyeez.
Tamyeez meaning discernment.
Where you're able to discern, to differentiate roughly
between what is right and wrong, what is
ethical and unethical.
You're aware of the world and you're aware
of yourself now.
That's called the sin of tamyeez or the
age of tamyeez.
Seven.
So zero to two.
Breastfeeding.
Two to seven.
It's the idea of tamyeez now.
And then from seven until...
Uncle said twelve.
Ten.
Why ten?
From seven until ten.
Because the Prophet ﷺ told us that when
they hit the age of ten, you have
the permission to what?
Escalate the emphasis on salah.
He said, وَضْرِبُوهُمْ لِعَشِرٍ Of course we know
in the UK, any type of physical intervention
has now been totally outlawed.
Any type of intervention has been outlawed against
a child.
So we say this with some awareness.
But ten years old, something has changed for
the sharia or for the legislator to tell
you the instruction now elevates from a mere
instruction for salah.
You escalate it through.
وَضْرِبُوهُمْ لِعَشِرٍ From zero to two.
Two to seven.
Seven to ten.
Then ten from...
Ten to what?
Puberty.
And I was surprised how the age of
bulugh was so underrepresented in this room.
Bulugh.
Puberty is the greatest transformation you go through
in life.
And that's when everything transforms from you being
a non-mukallaf, a person who is unaccountable
in the eyes of Allah Almighty, to a
person who has now become mukallaf.
You are fully accountable for your actions.
Before puberty, only Jannah was a possibility.
After puberty, Jannah and Jahannam are now possibilities.
I seek refuge with Allah.
It's a serious transition.
And that's when you are now able to
carry out your religious duties and obligations.
You are expected to do so now from
a mandatory perspective.
And then from puberty until...
Somebody mentioned the age.
I think you might have been you yourself
again.
From puberty until...
Allahu Akbar.
There's one more Faiz uncle before that one
inshallah.
Thirty?
Forty.
Which surah of the Qur'an specifies the
age of forty?
Surah Al-Ahqaf.
So the shari'a has considered the age
of forty.
Where Allah Almighty, He said in the Qur
'an, حَتَّى إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُ Until he reaches
his full age of strength.
وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةً And reaches the age of
forty, Allah said.
What happens?
قَالَ He then says, رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ
نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَى وَالِدَي O Allah,
inspire me.
He says at the age of forty, O
Allah, inspire me to thank you for the
favor that you have conferred upon me and
my family.
And the dua continues.
So the age of forty is highlighted in
the Qur'an.
And Imam Ibn Kathir, he said speaking about
this ayah, حَتَّى إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُ Until he
reaches the age of forty.
i.e. إِذَا كَمُلَىٰ عَقْلُهُ وَتَنَاهَى فَهْمُهُ وَحِلْمُهُ
It means you hit the age of forty
i.e. when your mind fully develops and
your rationale and your forbearance is now complete.
He said, وَيُقَالِ It is said that most
people are really unable to create any significant
change about them after the age of forty
years old.
End quote from Imam Ibn Kathir.
So these are roughly the age brackets.
We can categorize the growth of a child
simply because the Shari'ah لَاحَظَتْ هَذِهِ الْأَعْمَر
The Shari'ah has considered these specific ages
as I hope I have demonstrated.
Now that I've shown you the format, let
us rewind and let us break down these
ages very quickly.
Zero to two, we're not going to speak
abundantly about this.
Alhamdulillah, they are in the good care of
their mothers during this phase.
Though we alluded to some aspects earlier in
a few weeks ago when we said that
parental conflict can affect a child from as
young as six months we mentioned.
Where it causes the stress hormones to be
released into their blood and their heart palpitations
to go or to become excessive.
But we're not going to dwell on this
phase.
We're going to say, let's talk about zero
to seven.
Some of you mentioned this.
You mentioned this.
Let's put them together.
Zero to seven.
What is the defining feature of this age?
The defining feature of this age is the
idea of observation.
The child is observing, analyzing, copying, imitating.
This is for the most part the ideal
way of training a child of this age
of zero to seven is through modeling the
way, showing the way.
And the traditional, listen to this my brothers,
mashayikh, imams, leaders of our maktab systems, may
Allah bless you all.
The traditional classroom setting of pen and paper
is largely unviable for this age.
In fact studies show that up until the
age of around four years old, the fine
motor skills and muscles in the hand are
not even fully developed in the child to
be able to grip a pencil.
It is not a suitable age to expect
a child to sit down, well behaved, do
as you're told, stop talking, stop fidgeting.
And if they don't, then we label them
as having ADHD.
No, there is no problem with the child
for the most part.
And boys are more often diagnosed with ADHD
than girls because girls are able by their
biology to sit in a tamed way like
this.
Boys simply cannot.
And that's no fault of the boy.
But the teaching method needs a revision.
We need to start a conversation between us
as imams, as scholars, as students of knowledge,
people who teach in the community.
From zero to seven, how are we teaching?
It has to be through observation largely and
through imitation.
That's what a child is good at.
And you find in the comprehensive schools in
Finland, and those schools have topped the charts
in terms of best schools in Europe for
around 16 years straight.
They only start delivering academia to children at
the age of seven years old.
And one of the teachers there in Finland,
one of the representatives of a school, she
said her name is Tina Marjonieni, and she
says we believe that children before the age
of seven years old are not ready to
start education.
And all what they do up until the
age of seven is that they provide for
them environments where they can socialize and play
and learn creative skills to communicate, problem solve,
and to listen.
Just to listen, to learn through observation and
imitation.
They hit the age of seven, then they
bring them into the classroom.
It's remarkable, and apparently they're doing very well.
So this is a phase of observation.
So Qur'an, that you want to teach
a child, rather than forcing them to sit
down and cross their legs and to move
from side to side or front to back,
why not play some Qur'an in the
background, a portion that you want them to
memorize, and it can be on repeat as
they play, as they move from side to
side, and as they express themselves as children,
as they do.
The Qur'an can be internalized this way.
One of the most important things that a
child should be observing, and remember we said
the feature of this phase is observation and
imitation.
That's all they're doing, they're just copying.
One of the defining features here, or the
most important thing that they should be observing,
is how you and your spouse behave with
one another.
They are registering it, and they are learning
how to behave when they become adults.
The love, the affection that you show to
your wife, naturally of course within limits, but
they need to see this to understand what
it is to express love to your spouse.
And similarly for our sisters to be able
to show appreciation, and honor, and respect to
her husband.
This is a very healthy upbringing for the
child.
To hear about this, they don't understand, show
them the ropes.
What does it mean for them to love
religion?
They see you loving religion, they see you
prioritizing Salah.
They see that you're not constantly obsessed and
talking about the grind of life and making
a living.
They see what Salah is to you.
We're out, we're traveling, we're going for a
meal, we're gonna go and do something, we
park the car, we pray, they're observing this.
And that's why the Hadith is very clear.
Instruct your children to start Salah at the
age of seven.
What's the understanding of the Hadith?
The understanding of the Hadith.
What's the flip understanding of it?
If the Hadith says instruct them at Salah
at the age of seven, it means do
not do what?
Do not even instruct them to pray before
seven.
Because the Hadith says instruct them at seven,
it has given you a clear number.
As if to say, don't give them an
instruction to pray before seven.
Show them Salah before seven.
Let them love Salah through you modeling Salah.
But don't give them an instruction.
Because that's not the age or that's not
the development or the stage of development that
their brain has reached to receive an instruction
in this way.
Let them observe it.
Instruct your children to pray at seven.
Which means do not instruct them to pray
before seven.
There is a good man who a lot
of you are familiar with.
And mashallah Allah has blessed him with maybe
15 or so boys mashallah.
And pretty much all of them are righteous
young men who pray in the Masjid.
And I said to him, for the love
of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tell me
the secret.
What did you do?
And of course there are things between him
and Allah almighty no doubt.
But one thing I remember him saying to
me is Don't instruct your children to pray
before seven.
So one of the key things that children
are to observe so that they can imitate
is the love that you express mutually between
husband and wife.
There are also certain things that the children
must never observe.
We must endeavor to shield our children from
this during this particular period of zero to
seven from traumatic experiences that will have lasting
psychological effects on them.
What do I mean by this?
Any type of fear that you expose them
to knowingly or unknowingly more often than not
becomes an irreversible damage that has been etched
on their hearts.
Changing it becomes very very difficult and take
that from me as an Arab who comes
from a culture where everyone is scared of
dogs.
And here I am now at the age
of 36 years old and I see my
neighbor's dog sniffing my shoe and I'm saying
What can I do?
We saw our parents doing this when we
were children.
All of our childhood memories and the videos
of family taking us with the VCR there
camcorder if you remember back in the day
it's me or my brother legging it running
from one side of the park to the
other carrying a ball and the dog is
chasing us 30 miles per hour and the
owner is going drop the ball drop the
ball you have to drop the ball for
the dog to stop chasing you and I'm
crying and I'm screaming.
We have this on camera.
Why?
Because we saw our parents afraid of dogs.
South Asia I think a similar situation.
So don't laugh too hard.
We're all in the same boat here.
Spiders.
How many of you are scared of spiders?
Most of us don't like spiders.
You have to really protect your child from
seeing that fear in your eyes when a
spider is on the wall.
Because if he sees you going and the
child from 0 to 7 is seeing dad
behaving this way or mom behaving this way.
That's it.
That has become a deep-seated phobia that
you have written in his heart that can
never be removed.
And if it is it requires a huge
amount of effort.
Spider.
All those stupid Chester Zoo.
Have you heard of Chester Zoo who released
those giant spiders into the UK wildlife?
This is real.
They're trying to re-inhabit or give life
to a new species or an old species
of spiders.
They have come into this.
Everyone is talking about this article that's going
around the Chester Zoo spiders and our children
are listening to this.
We're creating the phobia in them.
Now get a grip.
Okay.
Spiders is not your problem.
What about mice?
You see a mouse.
Mouse.
Mouse.
Everyone is screaming.
Mouse.
I don't like it.
It's my weakness.
Give me a snake.
I'm not afraid of snakes.
But mice.
I can't do mice.
For the rest of the life of that
child.
He will be terrified of mice.
It came from us.
Get a grip.
It's a mouse.
It's a spider.
We can deal with it.
Even though you may be terrified inside.
Don't let them see that.
Kids.
Now they.
My kids.
Dogs come near them.
Sniff them.
And I really don't like that.
But I try to get a grip.
Say I've got to get over this.
I can't pass down my parents' phobias into
them.
So they don't have it.
Right.
The fear of the dark.
Right.
Children are observing your reaction.
Maybe our sisters.
Perhaps more so than the brothers.
But these days.
Well, I don't even know anymore.
Allah Al-Mustan.
A lot of our sisters will say.
I don't like sleeping in the dark.
Something's got to.
Why?
It's the dark.
And the child learns.
Therefore.
That.
You know.
I can't be in the dark.
From the Arab.
Let's go back to the Arab world.
There's another phobia that we have.
Right.
Do you have any Arabs here?
Who.
Who were raised back in our military states?
The Asghari.
When the Asghari comes.
When the policeman comes.
Look.
Look ahead.
Don't make eye contact.
Government.
Official.
Asghari.
Scared.
Because it's a.
It's not a democracy there.
You know.
It's a tyranny.
Everyone is terrified.
Your child is learning this.
Will this be a child.
Who will ever grow up.
To have courage.
And to raise his voice.
Against.
Injustice.
No.
He may petition here or there.
But he won't go further than that.
Because he saw dad.
Scared of the Asghari.
Back in the days.
Or when you say.
My sister.
To your child.
Again in this age.
Between zero and seven.
Wait until your dad comes home.
You wait.
Till dad comes home.
So what image is he now.
Going to develop.
Or she going to develop.
About dad.
It's a monster.
Right.
Monster.
Who created that phobia.
We created that phobia.
We're not saying that father.
Must not have haybah.
And or.
Respect.
A presence.
Of course.
And his places to teach.
To discipline.
Allah has given him.
That responsibility.
But to be terrified.
Like terrified.
The point is.
We are creating these.
Because.
It's through observation.
What about.
OCD tendencies.
Yeah.
Obsessive.
Compulsive.
Disorder issues.
That some of us have.
Our kids are watching that.
And we pass that.
Pass that down.
From generation to generation.
So.
She's there.
Maybe she's wiping the table.
For the.
Maybe 36th time.
And it's.
I'm not too sure.
If it's clean.
Wallah.
Look.
I don't mean to take the mic.
Because.
I know this is an issue.
For some of us.
Especially when it comes to hygiene.
And cleanliness.
But it's really clean.
It's.
And the kids are watching this.
So.
They then grow up.
Doing what?
Doing wudu.
50 times.
And I don't know.
If water has reached my arm.
We created that.
This is real.
After the age of 7.
Whatever issue.
You and I may have.
It's lesser of our problem.
Because.
Their phobias.
Their securities.
Are now quite formed.
That age.
Is an age of observation.
So beware.
Of passing down.
Any of these issues.
And I'm going to mention.
Another example.
This one's a bit of a sensitive one.
For some.
Maybe some fathers.
Who stammer in their speech.
Who have some sort of stutter.
That will also be passed down.
Now.
How you wish to deal with that.
That's going to be a problem.
That we have to deal with.
And find a solution.
But.
Children.
Observe their fathers.
Speaking with a stutter.
We call it in Arabic.
And they will copy it.
Until it becomes a stammer.
In their own speech.
So.
As a solution.
It may be.
That you need to.
Alter the.
Environment.
Of your child.
At least.
From this age of 0 to 7.
To some extent.
So they are exposed.
To granddad's talk.
Uncle's talk.
Aunty's talk.
Grandma.
Cousin's talk.
So if there is a lacking.
In maybe.
Your talk.
Their verbal expressions.
Are a lot easier.
And will not harm them.
And again.
I know this sounds insensitive.
It sounds maybe a little bit.
I know of a father.
Who used to speak.
With quite a severe stutter.
He was advised.
And now.
All four of his children.
Have the exact same stutter.
So a lot of this.
Is acquired.
Through observation.
And imitation.
And for this reason.
My brothers.
My sisters.
Why the Arabs.
From the age.
Of.
Just after conception.
As you said.
They would send them out where?
To the wilderness.
To the Badia.
They wouldn't wait.
For weaning to happen.
They would be breastfed.
By women in the wilderness.
That's how early.
They would send them out.
Why?
So that they are strong.
They are not weak.
So that they are not scared of the
night.
They are not scared of creepy crawlies.
Creatures and different looking animals.
They are not scared of snakes and scorpions.
They are not scared of the stars.
Looking down at the sky.
They are not scared.
They eat wholesome food.
They eat from the ground.
From the earth.
They know how to operate fire.
And their talk.
Is eloquent.
That was one of the main reasons.
Why they would send out their kids.
To protect their speech.
Our Prophet ﷺ.
Was also a child.
Who was sent out.
To the Badia.
And he.
Acquired from them.
Their lifestyle skills.
So this is which age?
Zero.
To seven.
And we said that the defining feature here
is what?
Observation.
Do we give a lot of instructions in
this phase?
No.
Are we forcing them in a classroom setting?
Textbook and pen?
We said it's not that viable.
Then we move on to the second.
Which is.
Or the third phase.
We can call it.
Because we bundled two together in the beginning.
Seven till.
Seven till ten.
Seven till ten.
Here the Prophet ﷺ said.
Instruct your child to pray at the age
of seven.
Ah.
It means that the child's development.
Has now reached a phase.
Where he or she is able to receive
instruction.
In ways which they were not able to
do so.
Before.
So now to teach through book and pen.
Roughly in this age.
Is a little bit more viable.
A child is able now to receive instructions.
In ways that he wasn't able to receive
it before.
That isn't to say that love and care
and affection.
Stops at this age.
No.
It continues all the way through.
But the priority.
The defining feature here is what?
We are now able to give this child
skills.
Here is the advice I want to share
with you.
And myself.
My brothers and sisters.
At this age of roughly seven to ten.
And if you wish beyond.
Immerse them.
In every available skill.
Experience.
Competency.
Anything that is available.
That is of use.
That is honorable.
That is permissible.
Present it to your child.
Because this age.
Is a very short.
And small narrow window of opportunity.
Where you can plant whatever you wish.
And the soil will receive it lovingly.
Remember.
As we edge now closer to eleven and
twelve and puberty.
There is a new phase.
Child is now going to become a little
bit more stubborn.
The character now begins to form.
All sorts of hormones now begin to govern
them.
They have a mind of their own.
There is a search for independence and autonomy.
I want to now move away from the
shadow of my dad.
You don't have what you have at this
age.
It is a golden opportunity.
That does not come back usually in the
life of a child.
Roughly between seven and ten.
Drench them.
Pour upon them.
Every type of skill.
And competency and experience that you can.
You may not be able to do that
by yourself.
Uncle has a skill that you don't have.
Your brother has a trade that you don't
have.
Shaykh is able to teach religion that you
cannot.
Present them to these various experiences.
And allow them to grow.
Because they are going to be scooping from
this period in their life.
For the rest of their life.
Financial skills.
Management of money.
Time management.
Literacy skills.
Social skills.
Any type of course that can sharpen their
intelligence.
Software.
Cyber security.
Photoshop.
Drama lessons.
For children, drama is key.
Because it gives them confidence.
Public speaking.
Any type of skill.
Competency.
Experience.
Give them the chance.
To work in a butcher for a few
weeks.
To work with a mechanic.
To shadow a plasterer.
To see the farm.
To learn how to use email.
How to speak in public.
Anything.
Give them.
Drench them.
Immerse them.
In this phase with experiences.
And skills.
Competencies.
Because that window is shrinking.
And soon you will not be able to
plant as you used to.
Not just because of stubbornness and puberty.
But because of time.
That child is going to move on.
He is going to go to school.
And then he is going to get stuck
in the rut of coursework.
Exams.
And then mom I need to get married.
Diaries and weddings.
Children.
You can't.
Now you have the child at your mercy.
You can give them and they will accept.
Because they have time.
What else are they going to do?
That is 7 till 10.
And it is a period as we said
in summary.
The defining factor is.
Their ability to receive instruction.
Receive skills.
Receive competencies.
Receive experiences.
Immerse them.
Dr. Salih.
He is somebody who took a doctorate from
Edinburgh University.
In the field of Islamic leadership philosophy.
A Saudi.
A brother of ours.
He helped me a lot to be honest.
During my own postgrad in Islamic leadership philosophy.
I remember him saying something phenomenal.
When he was still doing his PhD here
in the UK.
And he said.
I was doing my data collection.
I interviewed.
As part of my leadership research.
A 70 year old woman.
She was very unique.
A very distinct woman.
A white lady.
And she said to him.
You know.
Muhammad.
Between the age of 12 and 18.
I had a debilitating illness.
That kept me bed bound in hospital.
For those 6 years.
I could not leave the hospital from 12
to 18.
He said.
So what did you do?
She said to him.
I read hundreds of volumes.
From cover to cover.
From cover to cover.
So he said to her.
How did this period benefit you later on
in life?
Do you still remember any of the information.
That you learnt during that time?
She said to him.
I continue to draw from the well of
learning.
That I learnt from that phase.
Till this day of my life.
It is an amazing expression.
I continue to draw from that well.
Till this day.
So this age that we are talking about.
Is an opportunity.
That rarely presents itself again.
Then we have from the age of 7
until.
10.
10 until.
Puberty.
We covered 7 till 10 didn't we?
7 till 10.
10 until puberty.
10 until puberty.
Again the love.
And the affection.
And of course we are not going to
mention the obvious things like.
The opportunity for play and entertainment.
And to express their childhood.
I mean these are things I think are
given inshallah.
We don't need to speak about that.
From 10 until puberty.
Again there is still an emphasis on competencies.
And skills.
And giving them whatever courses you can.
But there is something.
Phenomenal that is going to happen to them
now.
In their lives.
It is called.
Banooga.
Or puberty.
Puberty.
Without doubt.
Is the greatest transformation that a human being
goes through.
In their entire life.
Perhaps coming only third place to birth and
death.
There is nothing.
More transformation.
Significant than puberty.
Where the physiological change.
In terms of voice.
In terms of body hair.
In terms of muscle growth.
In terms of height.
In terms of hormones.
Is so severe.
And extreme.
That it is now the age of taklif.
It is now the age where you become.
In the eyes of Allah almighty.
An accountable human being.
Allah knows in his perfect knowledge and wisdom.
That this is the age where you are
now able.
To carry the duties of Islam.
And if you don't.
There are ramifications.
That is how much of a change it
is.
It is a huge disturbance.
In the life of a young man and
a woman.
And that is why.
The emphasis really should be here.
On the age of bulugh.
From 10 until puberty.
Now you are a mukallaf.
In the eyes of Allah.
You are expected to be a practicing Muslim.
Who repents when he commits a sin.
Allah Akbar.
What is the defining feature of this phase?
What is the defining feature of this phase?
If we are saying.
From 10 until puberty.
And the age of 10 is when we.
Escalate the emphasis on salat.
Now you need to pray.
It means.
That this is a phase of.
Duty.
Responsibility.
Skills and competencies.
We enjoyed that for the first couple of
years.
Now.
You are now to carry duty and responsibility.
If Allah sees you now fit to carry
the duties of Islam.
Then we can by extension say.
As parents.
Extend trust.
To your child now.
During this phase.
Give them duties.
Give them a sense of responsibility.
I don't mean.
Burden them with tasks.
That they don't want to do.
No.
I am saying empower them.
To make them feel worthwhile.
That they are contributing to something big.
So they are too busy.
To be.
To be slowed down.
By their day to day desires.
And the huge hormonal impulses.
That they are now experiencing.
Give duty.
Give tasks.
Give responsibilities.
They have done all of the skills and
the learning.
And the competencies before that.
They are now ready to carry duty.
I don't know of anything more.
Therapeutical and healing.
And managing to this turbulent phase.
Of adolescence.
Than to empower those young men and women.
With grand colossal objectives.
So that they will never be slowed down.
By what would slow down.
Most teenage men and women.
There is a question here.
I am going to ask you brothers and
sisters.
Help me answer it.
Our Sharia.
Has given us commentary and guidance.
On everything there is.
Correct.
Anything you may think of.
The etiquette of eating.
Sleeping.
Coming to the masjid.
Worshipping.
Down to matrimonial relations.
And beyond.
The Sharia has something to say.
It's phenomenal.
Allah said about the book with him.
Nothing has been omitted from the book.
However when we come to this difficult age.
Known as adolescence.
Puberty.
Where hormones are turbulent.
And dealing with young men and women at
this age.
Is an incredibly challenging task.
In the desert.
Let alone the 21st century.
It seems that the Sharia doesn't have much
to say on it.
And it's quite baffling at first.
Isn't it?
What do you find.
In the corpus of the Sunnah.
Guiding you as a parent.
Or as a teacher.
Or as a Sheikh.
How to deal with this difficult phase.
You will find.
That there isn't much.
You have for example.
Maybe the one hadith of.
The young man.
Who came to the Prophet.
And he said to him.
Messenger of Allah.
I ask you to give me permission.
To do something very immoral.
So this was a young man.
And his hormones were very imbalanced at the
time.
But his piety was restraining him.
So he sought to get some sort of.
Approval from the Prophet.
Before he commits the deed.
So the Prophet.
He brought him close.
To not embarrass him in front of the
other people.
But he's a young man who was struggling.
And he gave him the famous instruction.
And he said to him.
Can I just ask you a few questions
young man.
The thing that you intend to do.
Would you be okay if your mother did
it.
He said no.
May my mother and father be sacrificed for
you.
He said.
Likewise mothers.
People don't allow it for their mothers.
Would you allow it for your sister.
He said no.
May my mother and father be sacrificed.
I wouldn't allow it for my sister.
He said likewise people.
They don't allow this for their sisters.
Would you allow it for your maternal aunt.
Your paternal aunt.
And he said the same thing.
And each time the Prophet.
With utmost mercy and gentleness.
He said likewise people.
Don't accept this for their family.
Then he patted him on his chest.
And he made a dua that Allah removes
from his heart.
Any type of inclination to haram.
And the young man said.
By the time I got up.
Nothing became more detestable to me.
Than that sin.
It was dealt with in this way.
But other than this hadith.
And maybe a few others.
Doesn't seem to be a huge amount of
guidance.
About what to do.
How do we understand this.
What do you think?
Yeah.
Very good.
The idea of them to be expected to
behave like adults.
So there isn't much intervention required.
Is that what you are saying?
Okay.
Good.
What else?
By the way this is a very good
point.
And maybe we should just quickly take a
quick detour on it.
The idea.
At this age of 10 to puberty.
The child now.
Begins to search for independence.
Right.
The child now.
Has a personality of their own.
And the child wants to be treated like
an adult.
They want to sit with people.
A little bit older than them.
They don't want to be receiving instructions anymore.
They want autonomy.
They want a bit of space.
They want some authority to make decisions.
And by the way this in principle.
There is nothing wrong with it.
We should foster that.
We should develop that.
But guide it as well.
Why?
Because more often than not when a child
says.
I want to be treated like an adult.
And that seems to be a noble thing.
It is.
Because eventually they are going to become adults.
So they need to know how to behave.
But in the beginning.
What a child usually means when they say.
I want to be treated like an adult.
It means I want the privileges of an
adult.
I want a car.
I want some money in my pocket.
I want a bank account.
Right?
I want a phone.
I want the ability to make a decision
now.
I have some control of my life.
So when they say.
I want to be treated like an adult.
What they are saying is.
I want the privileges of an adult.
That's fine.
We can give you the privileges of being
an adult.
No issues.
But you need to understand.
That privileges are connected to what?
Responsibility.
Otherwise.
If we train our children.
It is okay to have these privileges.
Without connecting them.
To a responsibility.
That's required from them.
They grow up to become what?
Narcissist.
They grow up to become people with this
awful sense of entitlement.
This is what I deserve.
This is my God given right.
Why haven't you given me money by now?
Did you not hear me the first time?
We would have created that.
So by all means.
You can have some pocket money.
By all means.
We want you to make decisions now.
We want to hear you.
There is responsibility connected to all of this.
There is duty.
What is your contribution?
So great point.
The theory says.
The reason why we seem.
Look at the word here.
To have a shortage of narrations.
That guide us as parents.
How to behave with this difficult age.
Of puberty and beyond.
Is because.
The way in which the Prophet.
Dealt with it was not verbal.
It was.
Practical engagement.
He did not deal with this turbulent age.
By telling them.
What they can and cannot do.
There was instructions.
No doubt.
But the main method was.
To extend trust.
To those young men.
With big projects.
That the Ummah needed.
Such that the boy felt.
Any sin is beneath me.
When the Prophet.
Has entrusted me with this colossal project.
So Ja'far Ibn Abi Talib.
Young man in his twenties.
Your job.
Ah Ja'far.
Your job is to go to Abyssinia.
And create a home.
For the Muslims there in Africa.
That's a huge task.
What time is he going to have.
To sit back and go through Snapchat.
La ilaha illallah.
I have an Ummah to build.
And the Prophet.
Has trusted me to make mistakes.
And he will make mistakes.
He has trusted me.
Abdullah Ibn Abbas.
Young man.
Give him understanding of the religion.
Give him understanding of the.
Tafsir of the Quran.
It becomes his life project.
Abu Hurairah.
Your task.
Memorize my Sunnah tradition.
Usama Ibn Zaid.
At the age of 17 or 18.
Right.
We are still telling our 17 year olds.
What time are you coming home.
Why are you here at 8.30. Usama
Ibn Zaid is leading a Muslim army.
Taking on one of the super powers at
the time.
At the age of 17 or 18 years
old.
Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam trusted him.
And there was some push back by the
way.
From some of the companions like.
This is too much.
Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said.
You cannot fault his leadership.
The same way you cannot fault the leadership
of his fathers.
Allah Akbar.
Usama Ibn Zaid.
Amr Ibn Salama.
At the age of 7 years old.
He was leading his community in Salah.
And he was so young.
That when he would make Sujood.
You could see his backside.
He was a child.
And some of the women would pass by
and say.
For God's sake cover the backside of your
Imam.
Astaghfirullah.
He is a child.
7 years old.
Amr Ibn Salama.
Leading his community in Salah.
Phenomenal.
Mus'ab Ibn Umair.
A handsome man.
One of the most of the companions.
Who resembled the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
In terms of appearance.
That is going to be a fitna for
a young man.
The epitome of beauty.
Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam takes him.
And he says to him what?
You create a home for us in Madinatul
Munawwara.
It all started with that young man.
Zaid Ibn Thabit.
Young man.
They present him to the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam.
This young man from the tribe of Najjar.
Our Messenger of Allah has memorized a few
surahs of the Quran.
So his family were showing him off.
Look he has memorized some surahs of the
Quran.
And he was impressed.
He said I have a task for you.
Instantly.
For me this is one of the most
phenomenal aspects of our Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
The most miraculous.
I find it more miraculous than the splitting
of the moon.
How he spotted talent.
In his young men and women.
And how he guided them.
Empowered them.
Made them feel important.
And they became committed.
And it would cost them their lives at
that time.
I've been entrusted with something.
I'm not going to let them down.
Zaid Ibn Thabit.
You've memorized Quran.
I have a task for you.
Go and learn the language of the Jews.
Zaid Ibn Thabit.
He said two weeks and I had mastered
their language.
Fourteen days.
See.
So a lot of the times we don't
believe in these young men and women.
We think they're useless.
Rather we have been useless.
As people of Tarbiyah.
We were unable to protect them.
Because they were left bored.
Much of the sins that a teenager goes
down.
Is because they found that need for validation.
And appreciation.
With someone else.
So somebody sends them a message.
You're looking good.
And I'm a thirteen year old man.
And I've got all these strange hormones going
through my legs now.
And my arms.
I don't know how to deal with that.
And that's a type of attention I've never
had before.
Men and women are prone to this at
that age.
So they disappear.
Had a righteous parent.
An intelligent parent.
Giving them that validation.
That sense of importance.
I have a big task for you.
I trust you.
I know you can do it.
I'll support you.
But this is going to be on you.
Become far too busy now to be thinking
about hormonal impulses.
That would have otherwise slowed them down.
So this is the age of what?
10-2?
The age of 10-2 puberty.
The idea of giving tasks.
Extending trust.
Now to round off.
Two key things to remember.
Throughout this entire journey that I've shared with
you.
The first.
Is this.
The earlier the intervention.
Of a teacher.
The better.
The earlier phase.
Is always more effective.
Than the phase that comes after it.
So never say.
I have lost out.
It's too late.
No.
The rule says in Tarbiyah.
In the art of nurturing effectiveness.
Week 1.
Is better than week 2.
Month 1.
Is better than month 2.
Year 1.
Better than year 2.
Year 20.
Don't say it's too late.
Because it's better than year what?
21.
And that's why.
Maliki bin Nabi.
Who was one of the Algerian philosophers.
And thinkers.
A man came to him and said.
How do I raise?
How do I raise my son?
Give me some advice.
He said brother how old is your son?
He said one month.
He said it's too late.
You've missed the train.
He said what are you talking about?
So listen to the point that he makes.
Now it's anecdotal.
It's an exaggeration.
But it's purposely an exaggeration.
To get this type of reaction.
And then for him now to what?
Give the message.
He said it's too late.
You've missed the train.
He said how come?
He said is it not that when the
child cries.
Mom comes to the child.
And breastfeeds him.
He said yeah.
What happens when he's breastfed?
He stops crying.
He said yeah.
So the child is now learning.
That if there is something that I want.
I cry about it.
And then I will get it.
He said therefore later on in life.
When he becomes a politician.
And he's sat in the UN Security Council.
He will cry about his pains.
And he will hope that people.
Will give him his rights.
How deep is that?
That's the idea.
The idea is purposely.
Exaggerated to send a message.
That the earlier the intervention.
The better.
And an earlier phase.
Is always more effective.
Than the phase that comes after it.
So don't say I've missed the boat.
It's too late to change my son or
my daughter.
The second thing.
And I will conclude with this.
Throughout this entire journey.
From zero until 40 and beyond.
If we live that long.
To see our children reaching that age.
One of the most effective ways.
Of nurturing excellence.
In our young men and women.
Who we hope will be an extension to
our lives.
A Sadaqah Jariah that we leave behind.
Is for us to model the way.
For them to see excellence in us.
Albert Schweitzer.
He said that.
Modeling the way.
Is not the best way of raising.
Effective people.
It is the only way of raising effective
people.
Any instruction you give.
Any command.
Any expectation you have of him or her.
Is lifeless.
It's dead.
Regardless of how eloquently you may speak.
How many evidences you may bring.
From Quran and Sunnah.
How beautifully you may decorate.
Those Instagram posts.
How carefully you choose your words.
All of it is dead.
If you don't breathe into it.
Life through the leadership.
And the modeling of the way.
That you show as a parent.
Tell me to do something.
I'll think about it.
Show me.
That you are doing that thing.
And I'm going to copy you.
Amr Ibn Utbah.
He said to the mentor of his children.
Advising the mentor.
How to behave with his children.
He said to him.
Listen carefully to these words.
The very first step.
In your duty.
Of making my children righteous.
Is by ensuring.
That you are a righteous man yourself.
Because their eyes.
Are connected to your eyes.
Therefore what is beautiful.
In their eyes.
Is only what is beautiful in yours.
And what is horrible in your eyes.
Is connected to what is horrible.
To your eyes.
Greatest insurance package that you can take out.
We've mentioned this before.
For the righteousness of your children.
By the permission of Allah.
We ask him to protect us from exceptions.
Is by you modeling the way.
And elevating yourself.
To a higher moral code.
It's simply not going to happen.
If you're telling your child.
Lectures and talks.
And all sorts of proverbs.
About the value of being sadiq.
Truthful in life.
Then someone knocks on the door.
And you say to your son.
Tell him that dad's not at home.
It's gone.
It's gone.
Similarly sister you may.
Push all sorts of.
Quran and hadith about haya.
And bashfulness.
And how it is part of iman.
And how it is so rare today.
When they see you through dress.
Behavior or excessive social media.
Browsing behaving in this way.
What is the use of that talk.
How can I expect my son or my
daughter.
To be here after centric.
If all they ever hear me and my
friends and my wife.
Talking about.
Is money and investments.
And crypto and ethereum.
And the stocks.
How will this child be obsessed with the
akhira.
Yearning for ibadah.
If this is the talk they are experienced
to.
And all your child ever.
Sees you doing.
And marveling is how you're able to.
Puff out those rings of smoke.
From your mouth as you smoke.
And he'll be lighting one too.
Very soon.
Abdullah ibn Umar.
The son of Umar al-Khattab.
Was praised for being a righteous man.
And the one who praised him.
Was the prophet.
Who said.
Abdullah is a righteous man.
And I have no doubt.
That one of the main cornerstones.
Behind the righteousness.
Of Abdullah ibn Umar.
Was because he saw his father.
Amir al-mu'min Umar.
Occupying such a high rank.
In the eyes of the prophet.
It was natural that his son Abdullah.
Would become Abdullah the righteous man.
Think about it.
Many of the narrations.
That speak in praise of Umar.
Who narrated them?
His son Abdullah.
He heard the prophet.
Praising his dad.
That was etching something in his heart.
The hadith.
Where the prophet.
Saw in his dream.
That Umar.
He was drinking milk.
And he passed over the remains to Umar.
And he drank from it.
They said to the prophet.
How do you interpret this?
He said.
It's in reference to the knowledge of Umar.
Who narrated this narration?
Who heard it?
Abdullah ibn Umar.
Who heard the prophet in praise of his
father.
The.
Hadith that spoke.
About the dream of the prophet.
Where he said.
That I was drawing well.
I was drawing water from a well.
And then Umar he picked up the bucket.
And he pulled out water.
With so much vigor and power.
I had never seen anyone drawing water like
that.
Which was interpreted as being.
In reference to how strong his khilafah.
And how long his leadership would be.
Who narrated that hadith?
Abdullah.
The son of Umar.
The hadith that says.
That the prophet made a dua.
Saying.
I ask you to give glory to Islam.
By guiding one of two men.
Umar or Abu Jahl.
And Umar was the one who was guided.
Because he was more beloved to Allah.
Who narrated that narration?
Abdullah ibn Umar.
The narration that speaks of how Umar himself.
He said.
That Allah almighty approved of my opinions.
Five times in the Quran.
Or three times.
Allah has approved of my opinions.
In the Quran.
Who narrated this?
It was Abdullah the son of Umar.
So it's natural that he will be an
extension to his father.
So if you want your children to live.
In this elevated way.
Thinking well of Allah almighty.
Keen for their religion.
Passionate about it.
There is no escaping.
The obligation of you and I as parents.
Living.
Upon a higher moral code.
That affects the way we wake up.
And sleep.
The conversations we have at home.
The way we do our hair.
The clothes that we choose to wear.
The language we use.
Our attendance to the masjid.
The sacrifices we make.
Teach them.
Show them.
My son make dua.
He doesn't know how to make dua.
When was the last time he saw you?
Raising your hands and you were sobbing.
Sobbing.
A child when he sees it from his
father.
It is a shock to his system.
He will come and kiss you and he
will cry.
He doesn't know what's wrong.
Have you lost?
Has somebody died?
He doesn't understand the idea of piety and
taqwa.
Love of Allah.
That will build meanings.
That you cannot do through instruction.
Show them.
Sadaqah.
Give sadaqah.
No.
When there is a fundraiser they have to
see Baba.
You raising your hand.
Your son is watching.
Your salah.
If you are fidgeting in your salah.
Your child is gonna fidget just like you.
Come the night.
There is no sunnah.
There is no witr.
There is no qiyam.
These are the things that build meaning.
And real attachment.
In the heart of the child.
And that is why Malik ibn Dinar when
he saw a man.
An old man praying in a deplorable way.
Malik ibn Dinar.
He said.
I feel so sorry for his children.
They said.
He is the one who is messing up
his prayer.
Why do you feel sorry for his children?
He said.
He is their elder.
And they will learn from him.
So modeling the way is not just the
best way.
According to some.
It is the only way.
So we ask Allah.
To guide our children.
And make them effective Muslims.
So with that Alhamdulillah.
We have concluded the four part series.
On our ways in raising righteous.
And Inshallah effective Muslim children.
We will see you next week Inshallah.