Married Ever After #03 – Principles 3 & 4

Ali Hammuda


Channel: Ali Hammuda


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Yeah earlier he was like a big man.

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Welcome dear brothers and sisters to class number.

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Class Number three, I thought he said seventh

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class number three correct as we cover some of the Quranic principles pertaining to the flourishing of a marriage.

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And we've covered an introduction, we've covered the first two principles. What were the first two principles? Yeah, mache. That marriage is an act of worship or mythology. Now we'll insert in laelia, we'll do good marriage is an act of worship

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by what was principle number two, and they have taken from you a firm covenant, the covenant of marriage by these two bundles, or excuse me, these two principles were under which first category of principles, we said there are four categories, we're going to list 20 Or sell them within these four bundles. So this is under which heading? Yeah, so these are Quranic principles to be borne in mind before marriage.

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So these are the first two, we're going to cover another two this evening. childlife Allah allows and then we'll start moving on to the second bundle of principles which will be Quranic principles during a marriage for its flourishing and growth.

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So principle number three

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is from surah to

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a norm, where Allah Jalla Jalla Agha who said, we're okay Hola,

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como Saudi Hina Mina Ibera de como Eema eco.

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away in marriage, those single people among you, and the righteous ones from your bond men and bond women.

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What is the key word here Abdullah?

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Aside, Rahim, righteous.

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So many issues in a marriage that later arise

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could have been nipped in the bud and resolved very early on. Especially after that initial hype of love and passion subsides. And those endless expressions of love quieten, so many potential problems in a marriage could have been nipped in the bud very early on if the marriage was predicated on the correct foundation.

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If they set off on the right foot,

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if they were sharing a common goal, a shared objective when they were still in discussions about whether this marriage should take place or shouldn't take place, while slowly healing I mean, anybody can walk you out you come unless the righteous one from your people.

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And that is because

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marriage is a life long journey that is filled with obstacles and challenges.

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And in order to be able to fulfill your task and to overcome these challenges with your spouse, you need to emerge from shared values. You need to share common themes in your life. That's how we in our lives, tackle difficulties, we go back to our principles, we go back to our values.

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And therefore religion is the most important shared bedrock between Muslim man and woman.

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And it is this is the launching pad which they use to deal with every other problem in life. Otherwise, if they don't have Salah righteousness, religion, DEEN Allah, the hereafter as their common value. How can they work as a team?

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And how will they make decisions on difficult things in life? Like for example?

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Are we going to go unhedged this year or not? Are we going to start saving up money to do Hajj?

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Are we going to dedicate a place in the house for Salah? Which school are we going to send our children to and so on and so forth?

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So Allah Jalla Jalla Allahu here is emphasizing the importance of choosing righteousness above all. Now I'm going to share with you now the two most famous narrations that speak of this topic searching for the righteous man and righteous woman in marriage. As for the search for the righteous woman, it's the famous Hadith.

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Exactly, yeah, the hadith of Bokhari a Muslim who knew authority but Burera the prophets of assalam said to encounter God or Allah. Women are usually chosen in marriage for one or four characteristics.

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The prophets Allah says the man will never we is saying here that he

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is telling you what people usually choose. He is not encouraging per se. He is just saying in the day to day choosing of people. These are one of the four traits that people look out for in women.

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You said women are usually married for one of four characteristics. What are they mean?

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What do you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, so the mafia for her wealth.

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What Lee has a behind her lineage while Yamaha her beauty. One add her, her religion and then the prophets Allah Allah Allah who said them said what Father, Father, be there at Dean Terry bat, Adak. She's chosen for one of those four characteristics either her wealth either her lineage either her beauty either her religion, then our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says he comments sees the righteous one.

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You therefore sees the righteous one, may your hand succeed, or May you prosper. May you prosper.

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So if you were to rewind a little bit and zooming to these four facets, first of all, he said, people usually choose women on the basis of their money. That's one of the characteristics.

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And indeed, wealthy people tend to search for wealthy people like them to marry.

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And our religion, to some extent encourages people to marry others from a similar socio economic background, there's no harm in that. And at first, especially if it's a love based marriage, you may not see the value in that, like, I don't care if this person is rich or poor, it doesn't matter. We just need to be together. Okay, that's understandable. But these differences usually do and can creep up later on in life. So people, they marry women on the basis of wealth, that's one of the criteria,

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and perhaps more so in some cultures and others. What was number two,

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Lee has a Bihar because of her lineage, because of her lineage now in the Arabic language and the old Huseby, Havana, Sabina, right? Has a nasib. Sometimes we use these words interchangeably to speak about genealogy, where you descend from your ancestry. Although the Hadith only speaks about herself, but there is herself a NASA, what's the difference between the two data in fact, he has a oneness among FARC. So one of the differences that was mentioned is that Ness AB is in reference to a person's ancestry. So you are the son of so and so the son of Simmons or the son of so and so that's your NASA. Yeah. And some cultures are more aware of their NASA than others, like the Somalis

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amongst you here. Right are the Arab Yemenis, for example, the Saudis or others, they are very aware of their, their ancestry, and for some, it is very difficult to marry outside of it.

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Right? So that's your NSF than your hazard. That's more so about what your ancestry have achieved.

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Right, what they've done, so you say, I am the son of such and such king or such, and such a warrior, or such and such Prophet even, that's called Hasebe. Right. And people by their nature, they have an inclination to marry a person or behind asset and hazard, to be part of that family and an extension, a continuation of it, there is some sort of perhaps virtue in this and more so in some cultures than others. So women are usually married with their wealth or their usually for their Hasebe their lineage and what was number three, for their, for their beauty. I don't think we need to really elaborate upon this, right. This is a filtering matter, a matter of natural disposition

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that is shared perhaps between all cultures.

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However, is that a good standard and a long term strategy? It's debatable, i e, i e, to predicate your entire marriage to hinge your entire marriage upon aesthetics, what happens when those aesthetics begin to decline? It always amazes me how malleable the faces how even the most handsome and pretty face can look really bad on a bad day. That's just the nature of the face.

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So people search for beauty. And there's no harm in doing that. In fact, we are prohibited from marrying this blind date type of things not allowed. You have to see go and see her the proper size and I'm said go and look at her. Right this is another shot I permitted glance.

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But is it a long term strategy? What happens? What happens if this person suffers an illness that changes the formation of the face? What happens if this person becomes old aesthetics begin to fade away? What happens if this person suffers a car accident? And it changes their appearance is the love still there? Is the devotion commitment still there?

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The same thing can be said about choosing a woman for money. Nowadays with the stock exchange, crypto currency pyramid schemes, you can lose your your money overnight.

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Is the love still there? Is the commitment still there?

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And the same thing can be said about marrying someone for their lineage, or Sharia is not saying delete these matters. But on your hierarchy of importance, what comes first? I mean, yeah, you want to be part of a family that's high ranking and has good genealogy.

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But then,

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some people come to a realization quite late in life that Yeah, I mean, my wife, my husband is the son of such and such great individual and daughter of such and such great individual, but my wife, my husband, is not great.

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So in the end, you're just left with, well, at least they are the descendants of so and so. And that's not a good recipe for a long term marriage. So what are you left with?

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characteristic number four,

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the religion of a woman.

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And it's amazing how the prophets of Allah Allah he was sending mentions it on the bottom of the list.

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They marry people for their religion, that's number four, as if to say it's the last thing that most people will look for in a woman.

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And then he said, Ali, he's Salatu was Salam forby that the Dean sees the righteous woman. He didn't say, therefore, Fidel wedge mean that you deem therefore marry the righteous one. Or if that had been choose the righteous woman, he didn't say that. He said, What

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thun thun be the it Dean sees the righteous one, this word love literally means a competition, whereby you are the quickest to get to that goal. That's called a buffer, there is a prize, many hands are reaching to grab that prize, you therefore rush to seize it and to defeat everyone in the competition. And therefore enter the ferrata Bihar you have seen that price. So he said, rush after her sees her compete for her, May you prosper, as if to say that quality of righteousness that people have placed on the bottom of the list, you place it on the top of the list, May you prosper. So this is Hadith number one, the criteria of choosing a woman righteousness was put at the top. And

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then when it comes to that criterion of choosing what a husband the same thing,

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the famous Hadith which tend to be the Narita in his genre,

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on the authority of Abu Hurayrah, that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,

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either hot or the Eco mentor, Donna Dina who were who Luca who has a we do. If a suitor comes to you asking for the hand of your daughter in marriage,

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and you are satisfied with his religion, and his manners,

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then marry him to her. That's the recommendation, marry him to her. He said in there to value if you don't do that, that can fit Neptune fill out of the welfare say I don't care, there will be widespread tribulation, corruption on the left.

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In other words, if a society appears that no longer values of these two characteristics in men when marrying their daughters, then this is the beginning of the decline of that society.

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And notice something in this hadith there was the added characteristic of hollow manners. So when he spoke about women,

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he said sees the righteous one he didn't say sees the righteous woman have good morals, although undoubtedly it is needed. But when it came to the man, then you are to what choose the one of religion and morals. Why was the added trait of morality included for the description of a righteous husband, unis said

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that, usually in most marriages, a woman is in a greater position of vulnerability than the man. That's correct. And therefore there is a greater duty of on demand to be a person of character, so as to not want abuse, this Ananda this trust that Allah subhanaw taala has endowed to him.

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So he said, If a man comes to you, and you're satisfied with his religion, and you satisfied with his character, these are the two founding narrations that form the basis of a healthy Islamic marriage.

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And they solve so many issues and answer so many questions that people later ask. I'll give you an example.

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A brother who approaches a woman for marriage through her family, her parents, her guardian. He asks for her hand in marriage. What is the very first question that they're going to ask?

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More often than not, what will they ask?

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All they ask

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are you studying? Are you working? What's your income? It's a it's a valid question.

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And then he says something like,

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No, I'm trying from the life I've studied, I'm looking for work, you know, difficulty in the economy and, you know, we just come out of COVID and I'm getting their blanket rejection,

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go home, don't come back

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and then another brother he comes, and he has a good income, mashallah, maybe one or two houses to his name as well.

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And they're ready to accommodate. And then they find out he doesn't pray.

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And they say, Don't worry, inshallah Allah will guide him.

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Allah will guide him, why are you being so difficult, Allah will guide him. So when it comes to a worldly criteria, we're very rigid, unmovable, we're very clear on what we want, we don't accommodate. But when it comes to religion, we're very lacks. And then we wonder why the Muslim marriage landscape is so messy. And we wonder why a few years down the line in their marriage, this man starts extending and abusing fist to his wife or abandons her or does some sort of harm, or vice versa.

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And we had forgotten the basic rule in life that says, if an individual is unwilling to give Allah the most basic right of a bad a worship, what planet were you on when you thought that this person would somehow give your daughter her right as a wife?

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So this is one scenario.

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A second scenario could be where they marry. And it was an impulse marriage. It was one of those marriages of quick time I need to get married kind of right now today kind of thing this hour, the second kind of thing, and you know, what's been happening, right? And you try to sort them, you try to help them

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what happens later on in life? Because these two did not ask the correct questions. They it was not enough consultation that was not allowed to istikhara there was no background checks. There was no future planning, there was no investigation in religion, it was just a quick kind of we need to get married kind of thing because we don't want to walk into haram.

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And then what happens later on in life, husband or wife, one or the other decides to repent and change their ways and become practicing Muslims, that's going to happen, because Islam is very attractive.

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Sooner or later people will turn back to their religion because Islam is beautiful.

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But then the other spouse doesn't want to follow suit. And then they begin to drift apart. Why did that happen? Because we didn't apply this principle of what Saudi hate them in a radical eco, the righteous ones among you. It was a quick impulse marriage share quickly hurry, marry me before I fall into haram. Now, it's noble that you don't want to fall into fornication. That's, that's noble, you've protected yourself with this marriage from immediate harm, that you have not protected yourself. 10 years, 15 years, 20 years down the line, especially when you have kids.

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Right questions were asked.

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And now you have different visions in life. And God knows if this marriage is going to continue. Do you see the value of before you come into a marriage, you are mature, you're sensible, you got a good head on your shoulders. You ask the right questions, you make the correct investigation. And you try to avoid as much as you can a situation whereby you will need an impulse marriage.

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There is a very important point, you know, I'd like to mention before before we move on to the next principle,

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and that is to correct the misunderstanding of what a righteous man and a righteous woman looks like.

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A lot of us, sadly, especially perhaps the young ones amongst us are quite skin deep, which is surface level. A righteous woman in our eyes is simply the woman who wears the full hubba and her face is veiled. This is the righteous woman that is my dream wife.

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Now hold on a minute quick footnote here. No one can detract from the importance of the hijab and say it's not part of their religion, the hijab and then you are they are part of the hijab and they are part of the religion, no one can reduce their

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so we're not into this business of Oh, I know such and such girl who wears them. But she's an absolute be so I don't need to wear the hijab, because she wears it. What's it done for her? We're not about that life. We're saying the hijab is part of their religion and niqab is part of their religion don't get that twisted.

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But for you to limit your understanding of a righteous will

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Amen to that this is a mistake.

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Because what is behind this hijab? What if she is in a manner, a slander, moving from family to family and individual to individual spreading corruption between people and fake news?

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What if she's a woman who is inciting women to leave their husbands and turning them against one another? What if she is a backstabber?

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What is she is vile in her column What if she knows how to show no affection? She knows how she does not know how to show affection to her husband or to her loved ones. What if she has no interest in ever rearing a family?

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A chameleon

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changing color according to the context that she's in. If she's with the righteous people, she's a righteous person. If she's with backstabbers and slander, she's just like them. This is a righteous woman because she wears the hijab and niqab.

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This is Shavon in hijab

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and that's why the province and I said live when he was asked about a woman he was asked about two women. Yeah rasool Allah He inner food, anything

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to suddenly Elena. What are sumo and Mahara? What are the Sudoku? What if I were to the G Rania hubby Lisa Neha Messenger of Allah We know of a woman who prays so much in the night. She fasts during the day, she gives abundant charity. She has a lot of ADA, but her only downfall is that she harms her neighbors with her talk. He said luckily raffia there's no good enough woman here phenol she's in hell.

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She's in hell. And then they said, Well, if we learn a tune, to suddenly Max tuba, what the sub duck will be at war way to the hada. O Messenger of Allah, we know of another woman who prays her five prays, that's it basic Alhamdulillah she prays for fine. And she gives bits of curd in charity of war. But she doesn't harm anyone with her talk. If you said she is in paradise.

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What is righteousness, you have a good woman of color and religion and she's wearing this ideal hijab. Alhamdulillah Light upon light, but what is the righteous woman in your eyes? Righteousness is also about Muhammad and dealing with people. It's also about purity of heart. It's also about restraining your tongue from harming people. It's also about minding your own business.

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And then what is the righteous man? What is the righteous man look like? Dear sister?

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Is it just the individual who has a well kept beard and some sort of head covering on his head? And perhaps he has a platform delivering talks here or there? This is the righteous man. This is perhaps part of righteousness. But is it righteousness? What do you know about this person behind his a man behind his stove and behind closed doors? What does he do?

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How do you know that he hasn't got escorts coming in and out? We don't want to think bad of people. But have you done your investigation? Or is it just a question of a DM please marry me You're so righteous? How do you know? What about his finances? Where does he get his money from? Many of his brothers who looked like prophets mashallah

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serving up crack to their community when they leave the Masjid.

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So hola brothers saying to me all of the time, you'd be surprised the Isley Brothers on the front row while they're doing behind closed doors.

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Like is this person at odds with his mom and dad? Well, Allah Alhamdulillah I pray I fast I have some dollar mashallah, you know, I'm studying knowledge and I keep everything in place. Mashallah. Yeah, but I don't speak to my dad. What type of religion is that?

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What type of a hoax is that? You don't speak to your dad. Sure. Heard of Ken Ham. What is this? I have fallen out with my mom. What religion do you follow?

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Anguilla he's practicing? This is what I'm saying what is religious man and woman look like?

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Now that we have established this

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we want to ask the question now. What does the criteria of righteousness not mean?

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Is the question clear?

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What does the criteria we have established that we're looking for a righteous man or righteous woman? So

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what does the criteria the characteristic of righteousness? Not mean? What does it not entail?

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I'm going to give you a quick introduction. And I want you to think about this from a min Hedgy kind of methodological approach. I want you to understand in life My dear brothers and sisters, we have an issue in parts of the Muslim world, whereby our discourse is very limited. It's very narrow, binary partial. Well,

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When we want to study a particular topic, we take a handful of a hadith only, or sometimes one Hadith. And sometimes I have examples part of a hadith. And we build upon it a worldview, and a man has something we call towards, it becomes part of our identity. And we say hold on a minute, in order to put forward a full Islamic philosophy, a complete Islamic theory, Nether Iya. Islamia, Malta Kameelah, you have to scout the entire tradition. All of the sources not just one or two or a handful your habibi. And then on the basis of that, you form an Islamic opinion on a topic that applies to the topic of sunnah and Bayda. That applies to the topic of A being the leaders, the

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rulers, it applies to every topic when you want to discuss something, scout the entire literature,

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the Quran, the Sunnah, the matters of consensus, matters of context, monarchy, and so on and so forth. And then give forward your opinion otherwise, you will be speaking from a partial limited binary perspective. And your position will not be what will not be coherent. Why do I mention this? Let's bring it back to the topic of marriage. Because a lot of us fall victim to this way of thinking, when speaking about marriage, we take one Hadith,

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or handful of a hadith, and we build our perception of the topic of marriage based upon them.

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So we get a skewed outcome. Yeah. And you for example, people will say look, I mean, Brother Ali said principle number three, we we have to marry the righteous one. And we looked at Quran and we looked at sunnah, so has nothing else matters.

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So long as this man or woman is righteous, nothing else matters.

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We say hold on a minute, hold on a minute. The religion that told you look for righteousness has also told you look for other things as well, including righteousness. So that the picture is complete, and you don't kick yourself later later on in life. And you say is this I have married a righteous person, but look at the outcome. We say you took one Hadith, one perspective and you ignored everything else. So now I asked you the question again, what does marrying a righteous person not mean?

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Let me give you examples. Marrying a righteous person does not mean that culture is unimportant.

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Some people will say Allah is righteous man, righteous woman doesn't matter where this person is from, as long as they are righteousness. Yes, righteousness is here.

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But Islam does consider idea of Kapha or compatibility as a matter of Islamic concern.

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And perhaps you've seen it more often than not people who come from different cultures, although not prohibited to marry from one another. But there will be a clash of culture, clash of civilizations, and this causes issues down the line.

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And when you look at Xena been to Jash, for example, and

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they didn't know how do you tell when the married from the companions? They fell out later on?

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Why was that a problem of religion? Law. They're both religious. We can accuse the Sahaba of Stanfield Allah, but there was a culture clash. They were from two different socio economical backgrounds. So they ended up divorcing Sahaba. So, what does righteousness not mean? It does not mean

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that culture, for example, has to be cast aside number two.

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Marrying a righteous person does not necessarily mean that this person is excused for being a failure in life.

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And your sister wants to marry a particular brother, she says mashallah righteous, we say, Sister, what does he do all or nothing?

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Saw Na, and his knowledge and But

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hold on a minute. The religion that encouraged you to marry a righteous man is the same religion that said, look for a man who has some money,

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or at least striving to make a good income for himself and his family, even if he's not there yet.

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But you say it's fine, He's righteous, but he's sleeping 10 hours a day.

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And he doesn't want to get off the benefits.

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And he's a bum

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and he has no intention to upskill and learn a new trade and learn a new craft to graft but you say He's righteous. We say hold on a minute, why are you taking one Hadith and ignoring the rest, you will harm yourself and that's why when a woman called family member into Christ came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam saying two men have proposed to me on Messenger of Allah. Who are they Abuja him and while we up he said don't accept either of their proposals. As for Abuja, Himalaya Tao Lhasa and article us always carry

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his stick. And another narration that explains it. The robin Denisa is a woman beater, he's gonna harm you don't marry him. He said, As for him while we out, so a little Cola, he's destitute, he's got no money, don't marry him.

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So this is not some kind of red pill extreme Andrew type type of talk that you got to be this alpha male with this big income. We're saying, just don't be a bomb.

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Strive to the income, and that is the man you want to marry and he has to also be righteous. This does not mean that this is not important. Do you see what I'm trying to say? By a third example.

00:30:37--> 00:30:45

Being taking or following the characteristic of a righteous spouse does not mean that you as a father

00:30:47--> 00:31:15

are excused to delay your aspiring daughter for marriage because the righteous suitor has not arrived. He says not. The hadith says he has to be a righteous man. And there's his daughter waiting for marriage. And she's eager to get married. And she's now reaching the latter years of her youth. And she fears that she's going to miss the train. And maybe she has no mental health disorders because she feels no one wants her. And Father is saying no, because the Hadith says he will have to be has to be a righteous man.

00:31:18--> 00:31:21

Hold on a minute. This is where you start you to make some concessions.

00:31:22--> 00:31:26

Yes, religious concessions to protect her religion.

00:31:28--> 00:31:50

Do you see? Of course religious concessions within reason, within reason. But he comes for example, and you want a certain image of a man for your daughter. He doesn't come What are we going to do? Just leave her without marriage. So a man comes and for example, he's clean shaven, no beard you want to demand with with the sun on his face? What are you going to do?

00:31:51--> 00:32:01

Or a man comes he prays but doesn't frame the motion. He's lazy. Just praise at home measured is next door he prays at home, you're going to keep delaying the marriage of your daughter.

00:32:02--> 00:32:26

A man comes in he's smoking your habibi. There's even go that far. It's a discussion that needs to be had to protect the religion of the daughter and that is in keeping with the Maqasid the higher aims of the Sharia. Do you see what I'm saying? Don't develop a binary approach to their religion, a monolithic one way tunnel vision approach and then you discount all of the other matters of importance in religion.

00:32:27--> 00:32:41

This bar what and as a fourth example, is marrying a righteous person. Does it mean that my wife is excused for not being for example, a loving woman I don't need her to be a loving woman like because mashallah salah,

00:32:42--> 00:33:13

her Salah some brothers will say what uses her Salah for me when I wake up in the morning, and she doesn't even say to me, Salah jalapeno, good morning habibi. How are you doing? She's in Salah Hassan has what herself? May Allah give her agenda? What is that doing for me and vice versa. So the religion that said marry a righteous woman is also the religion that said, how you really sell ECAM Alpha dude, and Hollywood and Maratea and Molossia, either the kind of Allah the finest of your women or prophets, I seldom said

00:33:14--> 00:33:17

the finest of your women are those women

00:33:18--> 00:33:20

who are loving

00:33:22--> 00:33:43

and child bearing and agreeable with their husbands and comforting when they are distressed? If they are God fearing. Look at the Hadith Subhanallah does that mean that the ones who don't have this they are evil, he's saying the other find it they're the top the cream of the crop so long as what they are God fearing

00:33:44--> 00:33:57

to to be loving and to be caring? And that's also part of being religious? Why does it have to be one or the other? So do you understand what I'm saying? These are the things that the criteria of righteousness does not do not exclude

00:33:58--> 00:34:42

or to develop a holistic approach in our religion. Last heading before I share with you the second principle and we will conclude with the second principle is practical suggestions to apply the Hikmah the wisdom of this principle into our life, Allah tells us will slowly he never nomadic Will not you know be the righteous ones from your men and women. So how do I attract a righteous suitor in my life? How do I attract the righteous husband and wife? Three quick suggestions number one, do an I will teach you a dua which if you say it with European certainty and southern patients I will guarantee that Allah will send the finest spouse in your direction and if you are already married, I

00:34:42--> 00:34:59

will guarantee that Allah will increase the flourishing and richness of your of your marriage. Whereas this dua you will say I say two isn't suitable for con where Allah agenda agenda who said well, Lady nya Kowloon and the righteous ones are those who say from bene habla and I mean as Virgina what are the attina

00:35:00--> 00:35:14

colorata ion, oh our Lord, grant us from our spouses and from our offspring, what will be comfort to our eyes? Well Janet in the Hina, Emma Anna and make us examples for the righteous people.

00:35:16--> 00:35:28

Give us from our family, our wives, husbands, spouses and children, what will be the coolness to our eyes portal right to our urine we translated as the coolness to our eyes, because

00:35:29--> 00:36:03

it means something that is buried cold, they say done through a sorority buried on the tear of happiness is a cold one and the tear of grief is a hot one. So you are saying give us the coolness of that which is called coolness to our eyes the coolness of happiness comfort. Others they say no uncover here it means alcara Oakura means karar, meaning that which is settled, that which stays that which is fixed upon something, meaning that your eyes don't look beyond your spouse and your children because you're happy all over the island, meaning our eyes are fixed upon them.

00:36:05--> 00:36:16

And notice how the DUA you say, give us comfort in our family, and children. And then you say make us examples for the righteous. Secondly, why does that come second place?

00:36:17--> 00:36:29

So almost as if you're being told that the enjoyment of being an example in piety can only be fully experienced if you first have your spouse and children to share it with you.

00:36:30--> 00:36:42

Grant us from our spouses and children comfort to our eyes and make us example for the righteous of Hello, so do Ah, that's number one. Number two is the Hara. Learn how to do the prayer of consultation.

00:36:43--> 00:37:20

Before a suitor and during a suitor arrives, consult Allah Jalla Jalla Agha, you don't need to see a dream repeated as many times as you can, until you may or may not feel something in your heart then make a decision and rest assured that's the decision Allah Almighty wants for you. zeyneb introjection she was proposed to by the prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, she said Ma Antabuse. Lonnie, I think you say that, your rugby, I will not do anything till I first consult my Lord. And she went and started praying. That's the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is the hara number two, and number three, consultation, get some references.

00:37:22--> 00:37:53

And a quick note of caution here for those who are using these online matrimonial services and I'm not suggesting you necessarily rule them out wholesale. But be wary that the nature of cyberspace lends itself to anonymity. And it's very easy for people to misrepresent themselves online. So be careful somebody comes for your hand in marriage or you are interested in one another. Ask for references and ensure you do your due diligence your checks and balances before the first meeting.

00:37:54--> 00:38:05

Before you've already made up your mind, because you've been enchanted by the first meeting that checks and balances well before the first meeting. That's principle number one.

00:38:07--> 00:38:08

Principle number three.

00:38:10--> 00:38:13

Principle number four, we'll conclude with this inshallah quickly,

00:38:15--> 00:38:19

is where Allah agenda Janella who said in Surah, two earlier I'm Ron Chapter Three of the Quran.

00:38:20--> 00:38:21

While he said that God who

00:38:23--> 00:38:23

can own

00:38:24--> 00:38:26

the male is not like the female.

00:38:27--> 00:38:33

Do you see why I've chosen to put this principle here as part of the principles to be aware of before coming into a marriage

00:38:35--> 00:38:38

to realize the male is not like a female, they are different.

00:38:40--> 00:38:54

allowed, but this idea could not be of more relevance today for us in the 21st century, in so many discussions and discourses of life, including that of marriage. First of all, this area is part of a wider area, what is the context?

00:38:55--> 00:39:00

The context is of the wife of Imran

00:39:01--> 00:39:25

who is who is the mother of Maryam Mary Ali Hassan, the grandmother of Jesus and a new Salatu was Salam. Allah Almighty said that she wanted to deliver a child a boy who would be in the service of Allah and Beethoven miraculous in Jerusalem to serve Allah in the masjid. So she intended a boy for him, but she was too surprised to see that it was a girl

00:39:27--> 00:39:59

and she said the male is not like the female. So the verses they go something like this, Allah said it's quality is palette in Rotterdam Rana, when the wife of Emraan said the following, Rob Be my Lord in Nina's are two laka Nafi but when he mojarra My Lord, I have vowed that whatever is in my womb will be for you purely for the couple minutes so please accept it from me. In acanthosis Me I leave you are the hearing and you are the knowing

00:40:00--> 00:40:35

If I let him know what what had to happen when she delivered her honor, she said Robbie Neva to her own zap, my lord, I delivered a girl. I've delivered a female. What Allahu Allah will be my robot. And Allah knows best what she had delivered when he said that Guru can answer and the male is not like the female. What he needs me to her Maria, and I have named her Maryam, we're in need, or how are you? Where are you to her because Reatta heard in a shape on the regime, and I seek refuge for her in you. And for her children, that the shape on the expelled shape on should have

00:40:36--> 00:40:54

Allahu Akbar. So it's a girl and the girl can't serve the masjid like a boy can who will carry in, move and sweep and give and mingle. And it's, it's a girl. And she said, the female is not like the man.

00:40:56--> 00:41:17

This is one of the most important characteristics, or one of the most important discussion points for us to be aware of way before we married to understand not just the similarities between husband and wife, or male and female, to more importantly, understand what the differences why because it is a human wish to be understood.

00:41:19--> 00:41:31

And many issues arise in families. And when you ask them about the source of this pain, they will almost always say he or she simply does not understand me.

00:41:33--> 00:41:46

And understand we think differently. And it doesn't have to be that way if we come into a marriage, understanding some of the differences between the male and female. And that's why it's called Han Allah when you look at some of the best selling books out there.

00:41:48--> 00:41:55

You've got like John Gray, Gray's book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Why is that book so popular?

00:41:56--> 00:42:13

And why has it survived the test of time? And then you have what's her name, Deborah Tannen, she's got a book called, you just don't understand why were these top sellers during their time. And even till this day, they are popular, how come? Because these are books that touch on this pain, the pain of wanting to be understood.

00:42:14--> 00:42:47

It's an existential need you have this hunger to be understood. So these books they do very well. So part of coming into a marriage is to understand that not only are there similarities between men and women, which our religion acknowledges that we are equal to one another in our in Sani our humanity. We are spiritually equal to one another male and female. We are equal in our access to Allah gender Janelle who festered yeah but no hombre boom Neela it will be Ramadan, I believe in the coming decade I want and ale and female.

00:42:49--> 00:43:10

In mn Nisa, or Charcot, you're gonna reject the prophets. Allah has never said that women are the twin halfs of men. Yes, we acknowledge that they are similar in many respects, but their religion look how dynamic and nuanced it is. It says that they are also different in some degrees. While they said that God can alter the male does not like the female in so many aspects.

00:43:13--> 00:43:25

What are some of these differences? Our religion acknowledges these differences in the rulings. So you will find that the rulings for men and women are different when it comes to jewelry, dress in general.

00:43:27--> 00:43:31

inheritance, financial obligations, gender roles,

00:43:33--> 00:43:34


00:43:35--> 00:43:37

Salah, fasting,

00:43:39--> 00:43:46

child custody Subhanallah, it has different rulings to accommodate the differences between them. And

00:43:48--> 00:43:56

the argument, however, that is made by feminists is that we don't need to pay much attention to these differences.

00:43:58--> 00:44:10

And a lot of them will acknowledge that there are differences between males and females, biological differences, physical differences, emotional, neurological cognitive differences. They say, yeah, there's differences. But it's not a big deal.

00:44:11--> 00:44:18

And wherever possible, we should be identical in our roles and responsibility. And the sexes are interchangeable, no big deal.

00:44:20--> 00:44:22

And that is quite counterintuitive.

00:44:24--> 00:44:30

So you're acknowledging that there is a big difference that you were saying despite the difference.

00:44:31--> 00:44:53

The treatment should be identical. They don't accommodate for each other or rulings don't accommodate for them and their differences. That's a failing from the feminist movement that we don't have to accommodate for so you're not on the backfoot why? There is a basic first principle attributed to Plato that says treat alike things in a like manner.

00:44:54--> 00:45:00

Meaning things that are similar in nature to one another, you treat them in a similar way and things that are

00:45:00--> 00:45:05

are different, you treat them in different ways to accommodate their differences. This is a basic principle.

00:45:06--> 00:45:35

So when they turn around the feminists and they say, Why does your religion have different sets of rules for men and women when it comes to inheritance or polygamy or combat or finance? We say no, no, no, the burden of proof is not on us, the burden of proof is on you. We don't have to prove to you why we are right, you have to prove why we are wrong, because the rule says you treat similar things in a similar way and vice versa. Do you see?

00:45:36--> 00:46:24

So our religion says Lisa, that character into the mail is not like their female, and it reflects that differences to accommodate to accommodate them in the rulings? Some of the differences that more and more research and science is speaking about today to show they are not the same. First of all, you have sexual differences. There is a study by Roy Baumeister and Kathleen voles who say that there are many studies including this, that show that the sexual drive of the male is more frequent and more intense than that of females. And then they substantiate this with 10 different dimensions. And they say and more. And they say there's no other study, or we have no other findings to suggest

00:46:24--> 00:46:52

otherwise. And in the language of economy, they say, women are the suppliers. And men are the demand when it comes to the sexual appetite, meaning they are different. When it comes to hormonal differences. You have an academic paper that was written by David Handelsman, who says that women have 1/10 to 1/20, the testosterone level that are found in the bodies of men, and testosterone is what is responsible largely for

00:46:53--> 00:47:30

the physical outperformance that men have over women like in strength and speed and agility and endurance, in muscle mass, these things, they have a difference. And then you have cognitive differences. Cognition is not in reference to intelligence. It's just the way the brain is wired the way you think. And you have the likes of Diane Halpern, who says that the cognitive differences between male and female are sizable. And numerator or pod hire, he has a paper that says that although men and women

00:47:31--> 00:47:56

are able to compete equally to perform a cognitive task, during the latter phase, the post of illiterate phase of the menstrual cycle of a woman, men will outperform women in the attention sense. And they say this is perhaps due to testosterone. And in other phases, women will outperform men in different circumstances. So there are differences

00:47:58--> 00:47:59

from a biological,

00:48:00--> 00:48:11

communicative social, emotional perspective, they are different in almost every way that you can think of. And now we bring it back to the topic of marriage.

00:48:12--> 00:48:14

Part of your success

00:48:15--> 00:48:44

as a successful husband or wife, is to come into a marriage and not assume that what makes your wife happy is the same thing that makes you happy. And for you, my sister to not assume that the things that will make your husband happy are the things that will necessarily make you happy, understand those differences, so that it doesn't backfire. When you say I was only intending good, I was only trying to be nice. No, he she they are wired differently to you.

00:48:46--> 00:48:49

And I give you some examples. Number one,

00:48:50--> 00:48:56

what is the primary motivator of a man? What is the primary motivator of a woman are quite different.

00:48:58--> 00:49:03

The primary motivator of a man is to feel that he's needed.

00:49:04--> 00:49:13

Or he's he's required to fix a problem of something, tap that's leaking a bolt that needs a challenge that he has to work, fix it. He needs that

00:49:14--> 00:49:17

and to make a man feel that he is unneeded

00:49:19--> 00:49:20

is a slow death.

00:49:23--> 00:49:30

And similarly, the primary motivator for a woman is different. Her primary motivator is to be cherished, to be loved to be cared for.

00:49:32--> 00:49:38

If she does not receive that, well, that's the oxygen that she inhales she can't survive without it.

00:49:39--> 00:50:00

And if you just understand these two differences between husband and wife, you will understand so many problems and why they arise. It was just a misinterpretation of behavior. So, so a woman has upset a wife She's upset she had a problem at home with the children or in laws or something in the public that happened and she can

00:50:00--> 00:50:11

One husband comes back from work and she's talking, what do you do? He puts on his I can fix it. And he's giving these solutions. And you should should have done this. And you could have done that and should have could have would have done.

00:50:12--> 00:50:37

And what does he say in the end, you just don't care. You just You just don't want to listen. And he's like, Why honey, I was just trying to trying to fix it for you to give you solutions. If you didn't understand, she hasn't come to you for solutions. She's come to me just acknowledged for her pain to be validated at that moment. She doesn't want solutions later on when we discuss solutions. And that moment, just listen, nod your head and validate her feelings.

00:50:39--> 00:50:41

Right? And the same thing applies the other way.

00:50:42--> 00:50:49

The other way, right, so So when a woman gives unsolicited advice to her husband, or she's critical of him,

00:50:51--> 00:50:54

what is he? How does he interpret this? I'm not good enough.

00:50:55--> 00:51:33

I'm not needed anymore. I failed, right? And he can do he can, you can do that. And that's why he has such a bad reaction to this type of criticism. Do you see so this understanding the primary motivator of a man, primary motivator of a woman helps you deal with so many problems later on in life, then you talk about the primary needs, when it comes to love. The primary love needs of a man they are different to the primary love needs of a woman. Understand this, my brothers and sisters before you get married, John Gray and other researchers have said that the primary love need of a man

00:51:34--> 00:51:37

is to be acknowledged,

00:51:38--> 00:51:42

to be praised, to be thanked to be encouraged

00:51:43--> 00:51:50

to be admired. That's what he needs. Why these are competency traits. He wants to feel competent.

00:51:51--> 00:51:54

That's your way of saying to him that I love you.

00:51:56--> 00:52:02

Then you look at the primary love needs of a woman Subhanallah resources is different. What's her primary love need to be cherished?

00:52:04--> 00:52:10

To have a devoted husband, to be reassured to be cared for.

00:52:11--> 00:52:14

Pets are a primary love and need. Do you see?

00:52:15--> 00:52:18

So for example, I'll give you an example for you.

00:52:19--> 00:52:38

Look, they want to express love to one another but according to their love language, not to how they understand love. It causes a problem. So a man he's upset about some things that are hard at work. Okay, he's he comes home and how do most men cope with their problems? Do they talk about it? What do they do?

00:52:40--> 00:52:41

You know,

00:52:42--> 00:52:50

so it'd be my cave. All sorted out. I'll fix it myself. I don't need Mr. Gestures. I'll be okay for now. And I'll come out when I'm ready inshallah.

00:52:52--> 00:52:55

But what is what is the wound? What is the wife do? She comes?

00:52:56--> 00:52:58

UK? Yeah.

00:52:59--> 00:53:38

Okay, speak to me. How are you feeling? I'm feeling just fine. Zack. Aloka. Rob, be back in a moment. Now all speak to me speak to me. No, no, I'm, I'm really okay. Tell me how you feel. I'm okay. You just don't want to speak. I'm I'm nothing. You you speak to your friends. You don't speak to me what happened here? What was the problem? She is trying to care for him how she would like to be cared for. As a woman, when they have problem, they talk about it. Their their strength is in relationships. They talk they discussed they share emotions. So she thinks that that's what their husband needs. He doesn't need that. He doesn't need to be left alone. And he'll come out when he's

00:53:38--> 00:53:39


00:53:40--> 00:53:47

You understand? And then flip it round. Same issue. When for example, a wife she's had a difficult time.

00:53:48--> 00:53:54

Right? husband says I'm gonna give her her space. Oh my these you've just made a huge mistake.

00:53:55--> 00:54:07

Because that's what you want. When you're upset. You want to be given space. So you think she must also need space? No, we're happy because if you give her her space, what's she reading? What is she feeling? What is she sensing?

00:54:08--> 00:54:11

Yeah, you don't care? You've abandoned that.

00:54:13--> 00:54:42

She can't do that. So you leave her she has a huge problem and it becomes even bigger. How come I will turn to give you a space? No, she doesn't need space. Then she needs you just to come and listen to her pain, validate her. Right and cherish her and then a hug. Kiss Callum jameelah Alhamdulillah problem solved. Do you see how understanding this principle of a laser that can alter the male is not like the female solves many problems that just don't have to exist.

00:54:43--> 00:54:48

The primary fears of man and the primary fears of woman they are also different.

00:54:50--> 00:54:58

What is the primary fear of a woman? In many cases we can completely generalize primary fear of a woman

00:55:00--> 00:55:00

Who's to receive.

00:55:03--> 00:55:50

She is afraid of constantly being in need of her husband, especially if she's had some sort of trauma growing up or bad experience with a male figure becomes very difficult for her to receive something from her husband, especially if he's now giving more and more and more why? Because this is almost an acknowledgment that she is vulnerable and in a position of need. Therefore, she's trying to protect herself from the future pain of being judged, or mocked, or reminded of what I have given you once upon a time, or abandoned, and therefore left without help. So she restrains herself from asking for help that she needs from the fear of future hurt. So she's scared to

00:55:50--> 00:55:50


00:55:52--> 00:55:57

Similarly, with men, their issue is the opposite. A lot of them are afraid to give,

00:55:58--> 00:56:13

not necessarily out of stinginess, they're afraid to give why they're afraid to extend themselves emotionally, financially, sometimes. Why are they afraid to extend themselves are because if I do that, then there is a risk of failure.

00:56:14--> 00:56:32

There is a risk of not being acknowledged, a risk of not being enough. And as we've established, a man cannot breathe, if he felt feels that he is not doing enough, and he is not up to the standard of his spouse. So he did, he chooses what to not give.

00:56:33--> 00:56:43

And many people would interpret that behavior as being only caring for himself, stingy, closed in on himself and introvert, no, you don't understand

00:56:44--> 00:57:21

the thought process behind it. He wants to extend but encourage him, encourage him, that you are validated, and you are the one I need. And you are the one who helps, and you are the one I look up to. And then he will be willing to extend and similarly convinced your wife that I will never judge you for that. Now my Allah has given me that I'm sharing with you, I will never, I will never abandon you. I will never use that against you. I pay for the bills. I do this and I do that. She says you know what I pay for my stuff you pay for yours? Who created that? Don't say feminism? Sometimes we are the creator of that type of mindset. Because they don't want to be reminded of your

00:57:21--> 00:57:22

favorites upon them.

00:57:24--> 00:57:27

Are you understanding me brothers? Have I lost you?

00:57:29--> 00:57:30


00:57:33--> 00:57:37

the concluding message, I guess, is that it's not a competition between male and female

00:57:39--> 00:57:49

is not a lot but enough to see a competitive relationship. It's a lack of camellia, we are complementing one another. It's a complementary relationship. It's not about equality.

00:57:50--> 00:57:57

That's not our belief as Muslims and Allah Jalla Jalla, who in his perfect wisdom intentionally made us different to one another.

00:57:59--> 00:58:01

So that we work can we fit together like a puzzle.

00:58:02--> 00:58:22

And you we strengthen one another in our areas of weakness and deficiency, towards fulfilling a common goal of glorifying Allah and being righteous Muslims and creating a safe and stable haven for children. Using your strengths and weaknesses and using your strengths and weaknesses that become a strength when they come together.

00:58:23--> 00:58:25

And the summary of all of this

00:58:26--> 00:58:27

is a beautiful area

00:58:28--> 00:59:13

where Allah Almighty said well let the man know math about Allah Hui Baba Comala about don't crave for the things that Allah has favored some of you of others. The Jolly nicely boom meme accessible for men will be their reward for what they have earned. While in the savvy nosleep one min max seven and for women will be the reward for what they have earned. Was law having fun, and ask Allah to give you from His bounty. Make dua ask Allah to enrich you if there's something you want, ask of him. But I am not to crave the perks that come with being a woman. You want to crave the perks that come with being a man, ask Allah Almighty from his virtue, and realize and embrace the nevermind

00:59:13--> 00:59:24

that Allah has made you as a woman and as a man. And remember, Lisa Decker, who can answer the mail is not like the female and don't fight that reality. No matter how much society wants you to do.

00:59:26--> 00:59:28

Don't be at war with yourself.

00:59:29--> 00:59:42

Because to go against this, I try to just flat out the differences and say it's all the same. That's to fight against every cell in your body and every strand of DNA.

00:59:44--> 00:59:46

And then that will then bring the misery upon you,

00:59:47--> 00:59:59

as it brought the misery upon the founding mothers of feminism and the misery of their marital lives or the lack thereof. Look at what happened to the end of most of these feminists.

01:00:00--> 01:00:15

theorists, and I'm talking about the mothers of feminism. I'm not talking about the average Tom, Dick and Harry, the retractions that they made and the sadness that engulf them in the latter years of their lives look at the likes of for example, Betty,

01:00:17--> 01:00:18

Betty for Dan.

01:00:20--> 01:00:26

Betty for Dan was one of the founding mothers of feminism, who said that the house is like a comfortable concentration camp.

01:00:27--> 01:00:57

Towards the end of her life, what did she say? She began to see what was happening to women, because of the feminist movement that she was pushing on others. And now it was in full force, and legislative powers had now changed attitudes, and it was in motion and attitudes have changed. She then looks at women and she writes in her book called The second stage, she said, what the young woman today is far more anxious than the woman of yesterday, far more depressed,

01:00:58--> 01:01:05

far more mentally unstable, and far more likely to fall into a meltdown, a mental breakdown.

01:01:06--> 01:01:08

That's the monster you created.

01:01:09--> 01:01:14

And then now you are surveying to see the results of your project. Women are depressed.

01:01:15--> 01:01:23

That's what happens when you fight your natural disposition. And then you have the likes of Germaine Greer, another founding mother of feminism.

01:01:25--> 01:01:40

And the look Subhanallah she spent a lifetime fighting against motherhood, that domestic city. What did she say towards the latter years of her life? She said, I'm still till this day having dreams of having a baby.

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And she says it's an aspiration that will never come. She's become an old woman. Now her loss is gone. And she said, I mourn the death of my unborn babies. I mourn the death of my unborn babies. What happened?

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He spent a lifetime speaking against

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these differences between men and women attacking motherhood and making women feel that domesticity is something and now you won't regret and then Simone de Beauvoir, perhaps the most famous, especially of the second wave feminists in her book, the second six, the most celebrated feminist in recent times, and who offered the most robust theories for the feminists towards the latter years of her life look Subhanallah what you said she said, I did test my mirror reflection. In her book, the second set, I detest my mirror reflection. And she said that I am astounded

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to the level in which I feel that I have been cheated in life.

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Who cheated you Mrs. De Beauvoir, you cheated yourself.

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When you went against fitrah your natural disposition and you failed to acknowledge when they said that are who can understand that the male is not like their female.

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I just want to really share with you I want to read one passage to you quickly and I will leave you with this.

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These are the words of Suzanne Vanka. She is a contributor to the Washington examiner's beltway confidential blog. She's an author, economist and radio host. She has a book called women who win, love how to build a relationship that lasts. Listen to this, if you want to summarize everything she says it's male is not like the female. She said, anyone who enters a marriage believing the institution is oppressive, will never be successfully married.

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If you think that sex roles are a result of patriarchy designed to be unfair to women, rather than on what they're actually based on the biological differences between the sexes, your relationship is doomed. A successful marriage relationship demands a deep understanding of biology and its role in the male female dance. A strong marriage is in fact predicated on sexual differences on how much couples let their differences shine.

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She says no one told them men and women have different anatomy for a reason. Because they're designed to work like a puzzle. If you want the pieces of a puzzle to meet together outside of the bed. She said that you need to know how the opposite gender thinks and why they behave as they do. The mind of a man and the mind of a woman or as different as their anatomy,

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as you see is a polarity in a relationship is essential. It's the engine that makes the marriage move. masculine energy conquers. It reflects it likes to do things feminine energy nurtures verbalizes he likes to talk and to experience. That's why feminine energy is the receiver of masculine energy. It's why men typically make the first move in a relationship and why the man proposes to the woman rather than the other way around the male acts, the female responds. And then she says the fact that men are capable of nurturing and women are capable of conquering doesn't change the fact that this is typically not where

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Each sex is natural energy flows. The more you understand and embrace this symbiosis, the more natural and conflict free your relationship becomes. If you fight it,

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as the equality argument demands by insisting the sexes be interchangeable, the less successful you will be Subhan Allah. And then she concludes by saying that so many couples today, particularly the younger set pride themselves on having what they believe, is an equal marriage by removing any semblance of sex roles. These folks are essentially in a fight with human nature. And we all know how that ends. Men and women don't need to think and behave the same. In order to be equal in value. They need to work together toward the same goal using their respective strengths, temperaments and desires. Forcing men and women into the same box in order to score political points, when they

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naturally want to go in different directions will ultimately pull them apart.

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It may take 10 or more years to happen. But rest assured it will happen. Putting some practical measures to put this principle in place that males does not like the female, first of all, read a book by John Gray called Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. It's a great book to read. It's a classic, I'm sure some of you have come across it, but it really opens up your understanding. It's like a secular Tafseer of men or not like the females. And then the second thing we will close with this is put a target for yourself and your brother, your sister with your spouse to spend no less than 90 minutes a week speaking with one another, no phones, no TV, no other distraction.

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Minimum 90 minutes a week, you talk with one another. And during that conversation, my brother, listen, validate, empathize, don't offer a practical contribution. Don't offer advice. Similarly, my sister during that 90 minute or more, don't criticize, don't make you feel that he's incompetent. Acknowledge, encourage, praise, empower power. And watch how with this, if you do it for at least a month, you will begin to see a tangible change. In the end, embrace the fact that we are different and thank Allah Almighty for it and be happy that Allah Almighty is most wise in his creation. Was Allah Allah and Amina Muhammad would have been a hell of it.