Home Stay Home Special
Channel: Alaa Elsayed
File Size: 24.77MB
Keep Calm and Stay Married
Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah salam aleikum. warahmatullah wabarakatuh My dear brothers and sisters, Islam and welcome to another episode. It's very cleverly actually sort of Home sweet home, it's home stay home. So it's actually very unique in order for me to be able to understand. But it's amazingly enough for the actually had it, although a ham has actually made a very good way to do so. And believe it or not, I'm actually enjoying this myself. So thank you for being part of it. And thank you for making me part of your home and shall love me Allah Subhana Allah, Allah, protect us all. And may Allah Subhana, Allah, Allah make us among those who listen
speech and follow the best of it. I mean, with that, we start inshallah, I'm going to go through a conflict resolution. And I'm going to go through a book that despite the blessing of Allah, Allah dispersive of Allah had compiled. So I'm going to go through a section where it's got a cold, Comfort Solutions, or looking into turning a negative into a positive job. So this book was compiled, because of a few things and Hamdulillah, we looked into a lot of things that in, in putting this together, obviously, for the experts in the field, and so on, so forth. This one here is actually going to be pertaining to what we're going through right now. So I'm going to start with
giving you a challenge. And the challenge is question. So I want to give you a question, and you will think about
the the answer, but don't say it out loud. And don't even post it on your web, on your YouTube. So I'm going to give you a question. And this is a basically a test of who we are. Okay, so don't read too much into it. If it's good hamdulillah hold on to it. If it's not then we need to change. So the the the challenge my brother sisters is a very simple question that was asked that a while back and instruction make it part of the portion is to listen to people what they say. So it was embarrassing. They ask people not to tell me anymore, there's just think about it. And the question is, what do you think? Or how do you feel about the 55 years old black man that doesn't have a job?
I'm going to repeat? How do you feel? Or what do you think of a 55 years old? Black man that has no job? I'll give you a few seconds. And then inshallah hopefully we can listen to your answer. In your brain remembers the rhetorical question. I don't want you to say I just want you to think about it.
Okay, so hopefully, you thought about it, you come up with something, at least in your mind, cognitive method that you will have to think about in your brain. And your mind will come up to usually three answers.
In is a bump is a unlearn it, unlettered, he is lazy, it's a black thing, or, you know, it's a prejudice or all of this stuff.
And the other side that will say, Okay, well,
it's something that I'm hoping that most of us thought out,
says, You know what, the true story behind this 55 year old man that is black that has no job, that he doesn't have to work, because he's one of the richest people on earth. He's self sufficient, is playing golf in Bermuda as we speak. And is that reason that we have to change our mind from looking into that positive into negatives, and the negatives and the positives, how to actually look with a different lens? What kind of person you are, is basically what you answer for yourself, I don't need to know it is, you just make sure that you understand who you are. And if you said, the second one, and hamdulillah I'm very proud of you and happy and keep that up. If you aren't the first type of
people that say you don't want the old, the negative comes up. And you need to change your mindset because all you have to remember is like what you see and hear and how your mind interprets it. You know, basically it's a process, it's the processor of your computer is your mind. And your tongue is a soldier old. So you have to kill your your your heart first to come out of the tongue in a way that is appropriate. So for example, if you thought that the person was in a negative mode, and that's how you see your spouse doing things, even though there may be not negative, you will turn them in
to negative, give you an example, if your husband comes home late, and, you know, I did not call you or so on, just I'm giving you an example. And then your turn comes mess with your head. So you know what he must have affairs or second life or, or whatever it is. So all I'm gonna ask you to think about now, okay, my husband, you know, the battery died, he came in me you had a flat tire, he was working overnight, to make sure that he does whatever it is, he has to do what he didn't want to, you know, scare you or give you a bad news to come in. And the dog doesn't want to, he loves you very much. He's only wake you up. And he wanted to make sure that you're okay, and you looked and
slept, and so on. So whatever happens, I want you to think in that in a positive way, I want to look for excuses for one another, don't fish for fault. So from now on, I'm going to look at my spouse in a different manner totally. And my husband in a different manner, my wife is a different matter. And that will make it set the record straight before we start even looking into this session. Another thing that we usually talk about is something called the missing tile. The missing tile is simple. If you look into the ceiling, you'll find all these tiles. And if there was only one tile that is missing, if I asked you what do you think of the ceiling? Think of the same thing. Would you look at
this and say, oh, there's a missing tile. That's what's called the missing tile theory.
Or when you look at every other tile that is there.
Another example that is the.if, I give you a white paper.
And there's a black.in. The middle, I tell you, what do you see in the paper, if you only see I see a black dot, you missed out on so many white dots, and the outside of that black.so. All I'm trying to tell you is train yourself to look at the positive, not just the negative, it's okay to look at it if you want to have a constructive criticism. And that's what we're going to talk about today. And how we're going to implement this and turn a negative into a positive with a conflict resolution. Today, we're going to be talking about eight steps inshallah, that will help you to be able to understand, especially when you're living together a little more now, and having this
relationship that you did not expect nor that you signed up for. And all of a sudden, I have to deal with this human being next to me that I've seen a lot more than I wanted to. This was an early retirement plan. Okay, so they say a spouse, this is a woman speaking out, a husband is like salt, in cooking, you needed to make the flavor of the cooking to be good, but too much of it will spoil it. So hopefully we don't have too much the moderation inshallah will do. Good. Okay, so now we at least agreed that we will look into the positive, not the negative and look with a different lens. So I'm going to talk about some of the things you have to talk about, whether you like it or not.
And now I'm hoping that you're gonna write this down. And the first step brothers and sisters, we get to talk about things that even they're going to be difficult. So the number one year is make a list of the issues, I want to talk about all issues, even the issues that you refrain from talking about even the issues that are afraid to talk about why because it might simply lead to argument. So if you want to treat yourself first and have a win win mentality, you'll come up successful resolving all these issues. It's a we call it the wingman waltz. Yeah, the Hillel waltz. So if you think into how to look into your spouse in a different lens, not your enemy, this is your partner,
and not proving that you're the one that is right and somebody else's wrong, that's a totally bad mentality. So I want you to make a list of things that everything that you want to talk about whether you like it or not, whether you're afraid of it, whether you're not comfortable talking about it, and it obviously have to be dealt with I'm not gonna stick my head in the sand and actually look into things that are you know, what, what I'm comfortable talking about these things and then go on their own, they're not. So you're gonna have to talk about how to deal with issues. So here's the first lesson on this.
dealing with things in a proper way but I want you to make sure you understand that sometimes it the issues that arises or difficulties you go through, it's not because of what you talked about, it's how you talk about it. So any relationship you have to improve the matter which you behave with one another in order for you to deal with the issues appropriately and you'll be pleasantly surprised inshallah. So number one, make the list whether you like it or not comfortable, not comfortable. Even it may lead to an argument, but we're going to take that away now. For by the end of the session inshallah, we will learn how to do so without having to enter
Are you? Number two is fix your focus solely on yourself. So I know you've seen this before, you know, the gun theory, right? So it's one finger pointing to your spouse and three pointing at you, and no more of doing so. So if you want to get your partner to change, you cannot attack. Remember, it's a defensive mechanism, they will go. And they basically want it's a self preservation. So jungle rule, I want to survive. So if you even if you talk to them, they'll already not listening to you because they're preparing their defense mechanism. So if you want to change and when I usually talk to couples, do you guys want to change? Sure, yeah, we want to change. But who do you think
they want to change?
And the obvious answer is the other person not themselves, Oh, you want to change your we're all who do want to change, then let me why because I'm the best, I make no mistakes, I can do no wrong. So if you are going to point the finger, anybody, it's just defense mechanism will automatically know will go up. And you cannot do so. And the it is very difficult for anyone to hear about themselves in a negative way, right. So nobody wants to know that. I make mistakes, let alone that you're a bad person. This is a non starter. So if you want to do so please understand that you're going to focus on yourself now. And you can see if it's if it is to be it's up to me, and Sharla we will learn a
few things with how to start. So how to start even your question allows for certainly will give you some of the things that you can use to be able to get people at ease. Yes, we're not going to start with accusing anything, we're going to talk about behavior, not under another person is extremely important for you. So what do you enable to stay in loving, good mood and good humor, all of this frustration will go away. And spouse will be fixed by by you leading by example. So they will see the mirror effect. So if you really want to be self centered, this is the best way to be self centered, to center the focus upon yourself and look at your own faults and why that person is not
really agree with me, maybe it's me, it's not the other person. So I want you to make sure that you put yourself in somebody else's shoes before you do. So how would I feel? If I heard my spouse do this to me? How would I react? How would I? You know, if they say that to me? Why if I can't accept it, why would I expect others to accept it? So this is number two. Number three is cut the nonsense. Just you know what
the point the that you always going to look at the negative site, look at the you know,
hints or even trying to pertain to the relationship and all of that stuff, you know, you need to do what you got to be cutting the criticism, complaints, Blaine's accusations, anger, sarcasm, and dig deep to be able to do so you have to get this whether you like it or not. So we're gonna stay in the calm zone now. Zen, whatever it is, or
whatever it takes, do the car. See, it could see whatever it is, and I'm not gonna say there's a joke about it. Just to lighten things up a little bit. You know, a woman asked her husband and I'm sure you heard
a woman asked her husband, Honey, do you see me in your dreams? That the man was honest, but not very intellectual? That intelligent?
He says No, honey, I don't see you in my dreams. The woman get angry says Why is he because I say I hate to see you.
And thanks away, or wrong answer. So what I mean by staying in the calm zone, you know yourself best. If you think that you're going to get heated, I want you to quit. Get out of that early and learn how to calm yourself down. And when you're calm and hamdulillah I want you to go back and reengage. So these are the things that I'm going to ask about. So start with certain words, certain phrases and how to constructively deal with one another.
Number four is exactly that. Learn how to express your concerns constructively.
Okay, so have a sensitive conversation with one another. And there are some, I'll give you four sentences you can start with inshallah, that will give you a better understanding of how to deal with one another. And not to start with the accusation, criticism, blame pointing the finger sarcasm and all of that stuff. So here are the four things I'm going to share with you today.
This is one is to start with. I feel so why are you
You know what you're talking about your feelings, so don't take their feelings for granted. Yeah. So it's it's that you know, you're feeling anxious or sad and certain things you say, you know, I feel this way about it. So now they can say, Well, this is how you feel. I'm not telling me how you feel. Don't tell me how I feel because you don't know. Okay, so you're going to start with, I feel, again, I'm going to give you we'll talk about the sandwich theory.
inshallah, after we finish this once, and the other one we can start with is my concern is, right, so I'm not saying you are the problem, I have a concern. And I usually when I talk to people,
I tell them, Listen, wards are extremely important. If you tell me I have a problem, automatically. That means I have no solution. But I have a concern. That means or I have an issue, it's totally different than I have a problem. A problem is something that I tried to fix and I couldn't fix it becomes a problem. Yeah. So but now if you think about it, you know, my concern, or I have a concern, or I feel about certain things is totally different than I have a problem. Okay. Oh, my God problem. Okay, what what's wrong? So right away that you start with the negative? Remember, words are extremely important. Remember Dr. Public theory, what they talked about how it's meant, I sit on
the committee, the advisory committee in place, here to discuss issues, and we talked about it and they wanted to put something upon us. And obviously, it was a bit offensive, as I told them, Listen,
why do you want us on this for a long story short, and you actually use this terminology, it's already we are guilty, and the people are gonna ostracize us. And that says, we have to change the word in one men give up the record that says, You know what, I took a course just for that. And we paid the consultants so much money, and it was exactly to change what you said. So words are extremely important brother, sister, when you discuss issues, please make sure so we have so far, I feel about something. So it's now it's my feelings, I don't take you for granted. So you know, and so on. So my concern, maybe it's not a problem, I still have it to do. Number three, is I would like
know, you know, I would like you know, I'm not asking you to mold anything, I'm not trying to change your identity. I'd like to do something. Okay. This is extremely important. So it's not never used, I, I would like you to whatever. Because automatically that you're saying, You know what? Who are you to tell me to? so on. So you don't want to be on the defensive mode. So please, remember, it's still me, I would like to do something. Okay. So this is something that is very helpful when it comes to discussions. And the fourth one is, how would you feel about that? So I'm giving you an option here to think about it. It's an ownership now I'm taking ownership of this. So this would be
something better than that. I mean, how would you feel about this? What are your thoughts? How would that make you feel or anything like that, just give them the opportunity to be able to come back and make a decision and share with
the sandwich theory actually changed. I used to teach them how much theory but now that they looked at the sandwich theory, and they have to say there's you have to give us seven positive in order to give one negative. Yeah, it's gotta be heavy.
Okay, the sandwich theory means really, you know that the sandwich has a bond, right? So it's a soft bun and the beef than the soft bun again, that means you start with the positive, give the issues and concerns and then finish with the positive. I'm going to give you a negative example first, and I'm going to give you the positive example. If you are a loser you are making you can admit you're going to sink This ship is sinking down, we're gonna lose our house. You can't handle a finance. You're terrible. I should've never married
this I'm not asking you to do this. Please don't do this. What he's supposed to do. Honey, I love you very much.
I have a concern about finance. But I have full faith in you that we will be able to do this together because I love you and our love is very strong and we can handle anything together. That's a huge difference between you're accusing this schmuck that he's lost his marbles is losing everything he is not very smart with this. I should have never married you you will not be able to just break in the wings right off the bat you close on that and you've destroyed this person is supposed to be your partner and hopefully in this life and you're after and and then you've given him a basically no chance but on the other side you say you start with a positive right why would
you start a positive defense mechanism go down. The wall is not up and their person is listening to you. Because Okay, they're now trying to help you not hurt so I'm not survival mode. I'm not defensive. I love your kid this person is I love you fantastic. I need you know how much I love you. I have a concern. Here's the beef right so the soft is given. But I reiterate again the sandwich theory is not what it used to be the found out after research now say you have to put a positive six to seven times in order for you to say one negative thing. Now everybody is different I granted but you
also need to make sure that you understand the partner in front of you in order to be able to use this sandwich theory. Okay, so we got the positive, we tell him the concern. Remember, it's not, it's not you, I have a concern about a behavior issue, not you. And then you finish with the positive. Now what I have full faith in, you can do this together, and so on and so forth. This is the one thing that I'm going to ask of you, brothers and sisters, if you ever come with a concern or an issue to your spouse, I always ask the point, the marriage, the couples to tell me what the concern is.
Second, I asked him to tell me what their solution is.
And then number three, I asked him, How are you going to help your spouse to implement this solution? Why? Because I want them to be part of the solution, not the problem. Because if every time you talk to your spouse, you know what I have a problem with this I have a problem is you are the problem this so you're not helping me You're hurting? How are you actually being helpful here? You're not you're definitely being destructive. So again, please remember, I want to be part of the solution, not the problem, they will take you on. Yes, I'm listening. Honey, I love you very much. Let's do this together. And that's the best way to handle a job. Okay. So if you have a concern
about you know, your financial situation, or whatever it is, and and not one way to do it, inshallah, and you can take that vision stick using it any other issues, not just financial resource. Number five on the list is learn how to make decisions cooperatively. Okay, so remember when we talked about the win win waltz? Yeah, this is exactly what you want to do. You want to collaborate with one another and cooperate with one another come with a solution that's good for both of you. So the game plan is a win win solution. And this action, can please go through it no more getting my way or my way or the highway, I'm the only one that is right. Everybody else is
wrong. I'm used to make sure that I impress the these judges here. Look, it's me That is right, that person is wrong. It's terrible attitude, and it's not going to help anybody. And by the way, remember is your brother in Islam, or she's your sister in Islam before they even your husband, or your or your wife. So you need to help one another. Yes, not hurt one another. And if you can't help, don't hurt, at least. Okay, so please make sure that your the way you express yourself is different, the way you deal in the matters in which you deal with one another has to be different. And that's what we're going to change today. All right. So please make sure that the underlying
concerns is also you have to listen to your partner's concern, you have to look for solution that is effective for both of you, not just you. And you have to understand that you have to practice
how to handle these things. And inshallah, you'll be amazed of how things will change. Number six on the list is eliminate the three A's, the A's are affairs, addictions and anger. I'm going to repeat again, the three A's are affairs, addictions, and anger.
Now, when it comes to affairs, I don't want you to think that you necessarily have to have an affair of a male to protect us from that. Don't tell me that, oh, we're Muslim shift. We cannot do this. You know, we're doing this for 25 years or more now.
We've seen and heard things that have surprised me, but we're human beings, that doesn't necessarily mean that My name is Muhammad, my name is Fatima that you know why I'm immune from all of this with their fitting is all over the place and the man is weak was up and down. And you know, for some other reasons, if you have any difficulties with your marriage, you shaitan there's got to be stronger fitness around, the tests are there. And if you're not, you're not doing you're doing your job while you're doing increasing your Eman. You should autonomy is going to gobble you up. And the first person is going to give you a little bit of that you're missing at home like the kind words
looking good smelling good or something that you're missing at home and they provide for you that you gotta make sure that you understand that. So the affairs I don't necessarily mean talking about the affairs affairs, even though food is there, but the affairs of anything else I know. So here's what I want you to do, you can accept anybody to be on your social media for your spouse, don't take them on board. So if you tell your spouse you know we can have the opposite gender on your on your social media, you have to lead by example, you walk the talk. So affairs doesn't necessarily mean you have to have the actual Xena doctrine added without including everything else that comes with
the territory of affairs. Yes, the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you behave the way you look. When you combine where you go all of that stuff addictions had before I'm talking about things you know what statistics will show that addiction to obviously porn, this the number one
up till now. We have issues with married couples that come and complain about addictions when it comes to porn addiction especially for men. Women are not exempt by the way but they are definitely the ratio is a lot less. So when we talk about this brothers I know it's difficult I know it's a you know it is a variable
Difficult to break. But there's a lot of ways that you can get out of a job. And there's a lot that will.
A lot of people talked about it, a lot of people how to fix it, but it's something that it's going to affect your relationship, whether you like it or not. Because what you see my business says it's not real, it's fake. And you're asking your wife to be like, like that.
Yep, I mean, bless your wife make her the your star new eyes. Yes. But if you're addicted, certain things gonna affect you. Because in a way that it's impossible for for that to compare. You're not that star either. So don't expect her to be the star that you want it to be. But you can be other stars. As I said, I always say gloves are off when it comes to this stuff. As long as Hillel do whatever it takes to save your marriage, because intimate relations are number two reason for divorce. Number One reason for divorce brothers, this is a financial as we talked about before, number two is intimate relation. So your sexual intercourse, all of that stuff, I don't care what
you do, as long as Hillel, be each other's fantasies, be each other's stars, beach houses, whatever it is, I don't care what it takes, as long as you have to look after each other. Whether it's your fantasy, whether it's a rule with change of change of scenery, and have a different menu, surprise each other, whatever it takes, I don't really care as long as you look after one another. And even at the time of certain things that you can let have look be be,
you know, adventurous, look at other resourceful, you know, look at anything else as long as what, whatever it takes is my model. So that's extremely important. All right, excessive anger, maybe some other time, we'll talk about anger management, maybe next episode or something, we'll talk about those other human.
You know, I love lesson number three.
And everybody in our culture teams is fit for latest. So the great initiatives like
anger management, I'm going to keep aside because it's actually a whole list. So I'm going to hold that for a bit. So the three A's again, you're gonna eliminate your affairs, your addictions, and your extreme anger, inshallah. So these ones are deadly three. So all you have to do is make sure that to save your marriage, you got to get rid of these three terrible habits. Now the ideal solution for both of you to commit to a building in you kind of marriage, a marriage where there's zero fears, zero addictions, no excessive anger, we listen to all human beings, we can get angry, but you have to understand and again, anger management will talk about it all the time. And it
combined, there's a communication skills that I don't want to throw everything at you at the same time. But maybe another episode, there's a lot to go to throw at you, but the cello one at a time. And hopefully that will do so brother ham sent me a note earlier to say speak slowly. And I said yes.
I don't know how slowly I was speaking when I get excited.
So May Allah help you I'm not on drugs, well, but he just slow it down, I'm not sure if there's an option here to slow it down. Or maybe you can
watch it again, and share with your friends to hopefully save an edge and simulate.
This is all
going to build the marriage that is built on trust, mutual respect.
And that's how you do this relationship that you have
In this lesson
number seven atomists essentially, meditate is the positive energy you give.
Okay, so you want to smile more, want to touch more, just more, you know, the I guess is the notes, the texts, the flowers, the poems, the chocolate, the breakfast, a bit of more intimate relations, because as I said before, you know, your oxytocin,
your your testosterone, all these chemicals are happy because this has disappeared. So you have to increase that a little more time to spend a little walk holding hands. I'm not sure what you're,
you know, public, whatever acceptance in your country or whatever it may be, but as long as it's acceptable, then go ahead and do it.
If not, then you know, refrain because unless
but at least at home, whatever it is that you know, you share something together. You know, this is a life partner that you're dealing with. So at least make sure that you do so. So respond to each other in a positive way.
You know, agree on everything is not exactly what I'm looking for either. But I mean, at least let's agree to disagree. You see this way I have this way.
Now the the key word here are the things that we used to always answer with you. There's a puppet in the middle. I want to make sure they hold that.
So we're looking for this thing to be
The message that your spouse is trying to get through to you.
Really Yes, but but you know, you're trying to get out of it. Listen with your heart, mind and soul look for solutions. And not necessarily mean now that I'm going to deflect it and move on. This is a how to process the information, what your partner is trying to say, and how to come up together, collaboratively in a positive way to increase the positive energy between the two. So help out more.
As soon as we talked about before, so give more attitude, positive energy, constructive criticism, all of that stuff, do more activities together, have more fun together, learn about each other's hobbies, as I mentioned earlier on, laugh at each other's jokes. You know what?
Whatever it is that. So it's good. do different things together, go to different places together, do something, we'll set this but we do have the house,
walk on the beach, do something. Get her Whitehorse he always wanted, get her whatever it is, when her back, really, let's redo this thing. All right. So it is true. Most of the
best things in life are free, it's true that you don't have to be a rich person to have my happiness, either. But this is exactly what we do. And my brother taught me this. This is not the beautiful places that makes the memories. It's the memories that makes Lisa and the lady when he told me this once it registered, I actually teach it up till now, hopefully you will understand this. And hopefully we can get out of it in a better. Okay. So when we return back, we will come back much better.
The last one on the list is look at your partners
in a different way. So when you look at it differently, you could
look at her parents, and we need to decide now, what are we going to take from our pets the strength, and we're going to leave the relationship. So now you have to decide what you want to do differently. When you look at your pets, relationship, you know, we as children, we absorb matches. So remember this, remember, you don't want I don't say I'm living my life because my father never said to
my mother, I love you, for example. So I took that standard.
Because we don't take
the tradition culture as long as we take it, but as long as it doesn't.
So we are now going to decide, am I going to walk on my father's shoes, my mother shoes was that good or bad? According to Islam, according to what's best for me now, not to a culture that interchange and the luggage country that we live here now is not going to work. So please understand that we need to reconcile our differences look in a different way. Am I going to be like this?
I want to I want to end up like my parents, for example. Yes, I want to end up in a good way that it doesn't mean that they're bad. They're my parents, I respect them. I love them dearly. But please understand, you have to treat each other in a different manner if this is going to harm you. So if you look into that in the future,
and that's what you didn't see yourself. So sit down and ask yourself is this is this what I want to see myself in five years, or 10 years, in 20 years, close the door, when I walk out, I have not fixed any issues. I don't have the methodology in order to do that is conflict resolution. And I come back. Most of the couples will tell me after five years and see this writing still haven't changed anything. Because they're miserable in 10 years, you know what goes back to divorce. My kids are on drugs, they have taken a job they got married and all of that stuff. This is things that are here.
I don't want to scare you. But it's enough for you to reconsider every consolidation plan that we'll be able to. So let's now
be iterate the things that we can do and remember the theories and watch this video over and over again, to make sure that you understand that these are the things that we have to do in order for us to change. And remember, change comes within the finger race that is to be it's up to me. And that's exactly what we're going to learn today. And they want me to make you stay home with the Home sweet home. So with that, thank you my mom, thanks see my doctor. I love this, this particular gelada and I'm going to try to look at what's going on on YouTube, see if there's any questions and hopefully I can address them. So
See how that goes? of maybe whether I read
it or whether he maybe?
What's that? I don't see any. So that's good so far. Fantastic. So I thank you again, my man. Thanks to my doctor. Thank you and we will hopefully see you next Monday for something else as we decide whether it's communication skills, whether it's
conflict resolutions, part two, or anger management will keep you in the loop agenda that
I've had this year for making this part of your family and it is a home sweet home indeed.