Adnan Rajeh – Tackling Contemporary Issues Marriage #3
AI: Summary ©
The importance of maintaining relationships and maintaining marriages is emphasized, along with the need for men to feel respected and love in their relationships. The speakers stress the importance of protecting spouse's privacy and respect, as it is essential for men to feel respected and love in their relationships. The importance of working out during divorce and protecting children is emphasized, along with the need for community resources to help people get married. The segment ends with a mention of a social media campaign and a Katoru Katoru.
AI: Summary ©
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The series that I started this summer was contemporary issues. And I got through two or three of them. And the topic of marriage was supposed to take just one hold, but it ended up three took longer than I thought it was going to take. But that's also being naive on my behalf on my part. And today I'll provide the final installment of third installment regarding the topic of marriage. And what I've done over the last two or three weeks is talk about relationships, and the parameters of relationships between genders. And then
certain tips or top aspects of marriage going into it and how to initiate and what to talk about at the beginning. And today, I'm gonna offer you three points to help maintain to maintain marriages. This wasn't a problem for us a couple of decades ago.
Imams on Minerva didn't have to talk about this a number of decades ago because it just happened.
You're good at it. You're good at keeping our household stable. We're good at holding on to our marriages. It wasn't an issue. Most people have my most of my generation, at least in the Middle East. And most people here as far as I can tell from
just knowing others is that they grew up in households where the marriages were maintained and people were married for 3040 50 years.
But now we're seeing that's not the case anymore. It's starting we're starting to lose a certain aspect of that.
I mean, the first hope was I was talking about the fact that it was becoming more difficult for people to initiate marriage. But let's say that works out, let's say we figure it out, then we help people get married. Then the second challenge is how do you maintain it? How do you keep it? It's work. It's not easy. It's not simple.
And aside from talking about roles and expectations, which is what I addressed last week, this week, I'm going to talk about something a little bit different, but in the same realm.
And the first point I'm going to share with you is that within Islam, the relationship between spouses is built built on or based on son on excellence. It's based on son, the reason being, that the actual
obligations and rights within marriage are very few. There's only a small number of things that you're obligated to do. And your rights are very few as well. The man is obligated to be the protector, he's obligated to use his finance to make sure his wife is fed, clothed, and has a house Seat Protector, that's his job, she is obligated to stay loyal, and to take care of her children.
Those are the rights. Those are the obligations. I know, we tend to believe the list is longer. But it isn't. Maybe we believe it's longer because our parents function that way. And maybe that's something within their experience that's a little bit different. Maybe that's that actually wasn't correct. It's okay to say that every once in a while, maybe what they did before, I suppose not perfect either. But the list of obligations and rights within marriage is actually quite simple. That's it. That's the only obligation. Everything else that you do. You do as fuggle. You do as soon you do as an act of love, as an act of excellence. And there's a big difference between the two
things. I'm going to clarify it for you today. It's very different. When something is done for you. And you see it as an obligation or a right, versus an act of excellence or an act of love from the other from the other party. They're very different. When someone is doing something that they're obligated to do. You don't feel that appreciative, because it's their obligation, it's their job. You don't even feel compelled to say thank you, because it's their job. I don't have to say thank you, that's what the money is for. That's what they're my here's the money, here's the money, I don't have to say thank you, here's money. You know, it's nice to say thank you, but you're not
obligated to do so. That's what when you say the word obligation or right that was comes to mind, I and when you don't get it, you're upset, because it was your rights, and it was their obligation. But when that's not the case, whatever is offered to you is something that is extra, it's excellent. It's love to not upset when it's taken away. And you'll feel extremely appreciative when it's offered. And that goes both ways. There's a two way roads, when he was a man provide more than you're obligated to provide.
You fill your house with luxuries to make sure that your wife is taken care of that she has all that she needs, you go out of your way to make sure that she has more than what she requires. So that she does extra. And when she goes out of her way to make sure that every aspect of your life is taken care of that you're getting everything that you possibly can, can require or hope for. These are extra.
Well, there's only a certain ILA lesson, and what is the reward for excellence or love, aside from excellence and love, this is very different. It's very, the mentality is very different. When I'm being offered something extra, I tend to be much more appreciative. I'm thankful I want to do extra in return because they didn't have to do this. When it's my rights. The smallest deviation from what I expect will make will fill me with resentment.
The relationship between spouses should not be filled with hate and resentment, it should be filled with what Allah subhanaw taala declared it should be filled with wishes, compassion, and love. It won't be that if each party is not seeing what the other party is doing as an act of love and act of excellence. It won't happen that way. If we continue to feel that we are all that we are entitled to all that we receive, and the other party is obligated to do more than what they're doing, then we will be filled with resentment the whole time. Both parties will be very disgruntled and upset. Because we have played around with the basic of what marriage is. Islam is very clear. It's very
simple. Your obligation is simple, and so is hers. But we're all going to do more. Why? Because we love one another because we want to be excellent, because we want to show her son and that's that's what it shouldn't be based upon. She does more work for you, you do more for her.
And if something that more doesn't come through, it was extra to begin with, so you shouldn't be too upset. It was extra to begin with. It goes both ways. This is not a hotbar for the men or the women is for both. It takes two to tango. Every problem that exists in marriage comes from both parties not fully understanding what I'm saying.
And as a piece of advice, it is just a piece of advice. Alright brother
There isn't for my sister's.
In order for this relationship that is going to be built on sn on excellence and love to work, maybe it's helpful to know what is it what it is that men need. Men need two things. They need to feel respected. And they need someone to stand by them when it's difficult. That's pretty much it. I'm talking about the general outlook of life. A man needs to feel respected
in his household, and he needs to have someone stand by him when he is vulnerable and weak. When he's out there in the world trying to figure it out. And he's putting up with a lot of difficulty he comes on he needs someone to be on his side, not an extra burden on top of it. We know that's what men need, because that's what the Prophet alayhi salatu salam said, when he was asked about Khadija the example of Muhammad Sallallahu ala Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, and Khadija is magnificent, you see Muhammad the man only made marriage, Khadija Muhammad the Prophet marry different women, for different reasons, all strategic was based on empowering the different tribes and empowering ladies
at a time where they really didn't have much going for them. It was very meaningful. He united Arabia united the house of Abraham, and he made sure that women had
Omaha, many of these very highly regarded ladies had immunity and autonomy at a time where that was difficult for them to find. And that was, that's an important part of his seal out of his slot to us, by Mohammed, the man, that man just a human being, he only married Khadija.
And he loved Khadija. And he lived with her deja for 15 years after Khadija died.
It wasn't that he loved her throat her life only he could do to love her until he died on a hill Salatu was Salam. And the examples by the stories are almost impossible to believe how if we didn't have authentic narrations to back them up when you hear the stories like That's impossible, but that's how it was. He was he was I know you saw those when you when you hear them.
He would I would tell us that the only person who's ever jealous of was a lady who had died years before I was I was I was even aware of the world that she had died way before I knew anything. I wasn't, I wasn't jealous of anyone else. Every time a beat a gift came to our house, he chopped up a piece of it and he sent it the saw he bought Khadija to the Friends of the friends of his wife, not the family but the family. God does it the friends of his wife it twisted on he's, he's he stopped an army once. He told him take five go do something. And then he went and no one follow me and he goes on to your Serato ceremony sits under a tree and another Sahaba follow him anyway. And they go
see him sitting under a tree with his bow down on the ground and three old ladies sitting in front of him. He just there for half an hour. The robot itself comes back there so he's like what are you? What are you doing? I told you not to follow me but yeah, I guess I'm sorry. I don't know. But what were you doing? Who were Sahiba deja these are the friends of Khadija Cohen Corona yeah Mel Jamila Yamaha deja vu, remembering reminiscing or the good old days, the days of Khadija. You'd be lying in his house in salatu salam and someone would walk towards the house to the home he could hear the footsteps. Now if you know this as a child, especially if you're a naughty person, when you're young
you know the footsteps you know what your mother sounds like and your dad sounds like it's very important to distinguish that early on in life because it was your mother's coming to the words the door. Yeah, have a bit of time. It's no big deal. But for your father, you get your act together really quickly. You know, people's footsteps just join him. He knew her footsteps out of the slot to a sudden he's lying. He hears someone walking towards the door. It sounds like Khadija but she's been gone for a long time. So he said sufficient Allahu Mahana Oh Allah making her sister Hannah. And it was said Allah Allah, he's like, do you remember he remembered her footsteps out of your
Salah to us to them.
This is how we this is how he loved her.
He loved her like that. When we told him after she passed away, you know, sort of like you should marry three years now, but we're held by the hottie gentlemen. And who who could possibly take an Aegis place no one can take your place. But why is it that he felt that way? He's gonna try to show you.
He also explained it because at one point I got so fed up with all this. She said, What do you want with? You have our Isha He's way better. Takala from Allah, Islam, Allah, Allah. No. And then he said, Well, I said to me,
Well, I certainly have Allah money and she stood by me when people turn their backs wa puts me in harmony and as he gave me and people held their hands with him and it to be is because Ebony and Nelson she believed in me when no one else did. That's what he remembers on a hill. Salatu Salam remembers coming down the mountain running in fear and that she didn't take away his masculinity.
Who remembers when he was he was weak. And no one listened to him and they were say, calling him names. He had no wells, she continued to stand by him. That's what he remembers. That's why he loves her Alia Salatu was Salam because she was there for him. When it was difficult. It's easy to be there for someone when they're doing well. That takes nothing. That's it. Men look for the other men look for those who will stand by I'm just giving you advice. Know what women want. I don't know what women want. Honestly, I'm not a woman, but I'll give you a base. I think Allahu Allah and this is based on just observation. I think Allah who I am and this is based on also what the provider you
saw doesn't explain to us another Hadith. I think they want to feel
needed to feel loved and to be offered attention. That's what I think women wants within a marriage. Well, I could be wrong. But that but I'll be much more complex for men is two things. They need to be respected. They have to feel respect, respect is even more important to men than love. If you don't feel respected, then you're taking you're actually weakening your man, it makes no sense. There's no there's no air command that you want your math to be weak. What? Why? Why would you want the father of your children to be weak? Why do you want the person who's out there to protect you and to provide for you to be weak, you want them strong, and you want to be there for them? When
things are difficult. Life fluctuates, sometimes they're on the top of the mountain, and sometimes they're not. They're vulnerable, and they're scared in that the person beside them is not there to stand by them then. Yeah, it doesn't work as well.
And we have examples of a lot of examples within the seal of the profile. You saw some people better than you and I, who had difficulties in their marriage, rally and faulty Mala hemocyanin Both of them they had difficulties in their marriage. The Prophet Allah has also had to go bring it back multiple times because he was upset with his wife sleeping on the masjid about Torabi. Get up abou torah, the torah is dirt to get up, you're sleeping on the dirt, go home, take them home, go figure it figure it out with his wife.
The Prophet alayhi salatu salam would get upset with his wives right get stuck with him.
This is a part of life it's a part of life. Remember, it's based on sun. It's based on excellence based on love, provide show love to the person in front of you provide them with excellence and they will do the same in return and know what it is that they need.
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holidays I'm gonna shower, whether you d Bilbo, yo T il Mahalik. The second point that I want to share with you, this is an important one.
Abuse is never acceptable.
Period. It's never okay to be abusive, and it's never okay to be abused. In any relationship, especially in marriage, whether it's physical, whether it's verbal, whether it's financial, or social abuse is not acceptable. We do however, have to be very careful in how we define abuse. Not every time two people disagree that every time there's a dispute within a marriage, it's abuse. Not every single time it's going to be abuse, especially the the ease and the leniency that we're using the term emotional abuse these days, it's very, it's being used too much. We have to make sure it's properly defined before we use it. But that being said, abuse should not be tolerated. And if you
know someone who was in abused and an abusive relationship, you must remove them. You must protect the one who's being abused. It goes both ways. By the way, domestic violence goes both ways. The majority are men, but women do it too. And it happens in homes.
There are good people in this world will have bad tempers and bad upbringings and bad experiences in life and just as
They abused their spouses and it's upon the society in the community to protect the other party. It's very important here. Islam does not under any circumstance allow for abuse. There's nothing that you can go ahead and use as evidence as abuse of Allah says,
in Hadith and antibiotics are Muslim ma Baba rasool Allah, He said Allah Azza. mushy, Tobia de when I'm gonna attend to what a hottie Manila anugerah he the visa vie Allah, the Prophet, Allah never raised his hand on anyone, not anyone except in jihad. He said when he was standing in combat with his sword, he never hit anyone out.
It's very important to understand that we can do better, we must do better in this society, we must do better. When it comes to this issue. When it comes to inter marital abuse, we have to do better. Domestic Violence has to be dealt with within our community, not outside of it, not outside of it. Those who are dealing with our problems don't share our values. So it's not fair. And it's not appropriate. We have to learn to deal with our problems when it comes to these issues internally. Families and and friends have to be involved do not draw a blind eye to a an abusive relationship. Sometimes, it's not sometimes both parties need help. The abused obviously needs to be protected.
But the abusive needs to be educated and trained and has to go through whatever they need to go through to get rid of the parts of them. They
don't like demonizing human beings, but we have to make sure we deal with this
in an appropriate and urgent manner. The third piece of advice I'm going to offer you and I'll do this in second Kobelco Nicola was assaulted Hola. Hola, welcome. First off, you know, we have ferula Camilla 1000 mas takfiri, instock Shiroma.
Hamdu lillahi, WA, or sallahu wa salam ala Allah, Allah, may Allah be about the early he was so happy he were many who who will have
the third point, marriage is going to have disputes within it. It's guaranteed 100%, if you're married, you're going to fight with your spouse, there is no way around it. There is not a possibility of one in 100 million, but you won't. There's no possibility, zero. Everything has an exception to the rule, except this one. If you're married, you will dispute with your spouse, you will disagree and you'll be upset. And so we'll see it's a part of life, it's normal, it's accepted as a man, it's a part of your service ship of Allah subhanaw taala, to be patient with your spouse, it's a part of your worship of Allah to be to take care of your spouse. And to put up with the
difficulties that come with that it goes both ways women as well.
This is a part of it, it will never that will never go away.
It's a normal aspect of marriage is the salt that keeps things interesting. You're going to dispute with your wife, however, work out your problems amongst yourselves. Reach out for help, that's fine when you need to. But be very careful who you reach out to help for. I'm gonna say this, and this may not 99.9% of the time reach out to your family member or to your parent, they make it worse. 99% of the time you speak to your mother, whether you're the son or the daughter, and they make it worse. And if the older ladies don't like it, that's all right. You have nothing. You have nothing on me because I have to see this every day. You interfere. You don't come in to fix the problem. You
don't come in to make it better. You come in with your bias. You come in with your upsets, you come in with your own rage how the other party dared to say that to your son or your daughter, and you're ruining homes and households. You need to ask for help when you need it. If you're in marriage and you're struggling, ask for help. Just be smart. Ask for help from those who know what they're doing. And those are aren't gonna be biased. And those are going to tell you that you're wrong.
Ask for help from those who will look you in the face and say you're wrong. That's you shouldn't do that. Don't ask help from someone else say Yeah, go for it. No, she's always been like that. I never liked her to begin with. No, oh, go for it. Girl. He's this and he's that you don't want someone like that. That's not how you maintain a marriage. Of course, marriage of course, is hard. Yes. Yeah. It's always gonna be hard. If the property is slow to Westerdam spent a couple of days and our Lea he loved his home and he went and he stayed in an attic. He was so upset with his wives. If he's getting into that, then what everyone's going to have this this normal. If he doesn't want to speak
to him out of your Salatu was Salam. But because he's rasool Allah, she only says what I'll be Brahim instead of Muhammad. She'll make an oath by Ibrahim Ali cinnamon she's upset with him.
Make sure you
ask help from the right parties. Those who will actually help you, not those who will make this worse.
I certain moments divorce is needed when it's abusive for sure. When it's abusive and isn't trying to be fixed and can't be fixed for sure. When two people cannot help each other, they can't stand by each other, they continue to harm one another. It's helpful. We're not better than Zadar Xena, while the Allahu Anhu. Mr. Zaid was one of the highest rank Sahaba on the main site, and Zayn had been to Jose, my brothers at zenith and Joshua Dilla, who is one of the highest rank Sahaja, yogi's minion, and they couldn't make it work together. So it's understandable, but the reasons have to be appropriate. And we have to actually make sure that we seek the proper counseling, the proper help
from the right parties.
And the reason I said all this was not for that, because that's I think, to me is common sense. And protect the children and protect the little people in your home. They did nothing to deserve this. And they don't have the emotional or intellectual maturity to understand what's happening. They don't do not weaponize your children, and do not involve them in these disputes. You're not getting along with your wife, you go into your room, you close the door, you hash it out with them. You don't bring your children into the midst of this, they don't know what's happening. The only stability they understand in life is the two of you. If that ceases to exist, or if it's threatened,
their world crumbles and their mind. Everything comes falling down. It's a degree of anxiety and fear that will for sure will for sure become apparent in their lives. 15 years down the road for sure it will affect them later. To be very careful. It's an issue of responsibility. It's an issue of obligation to protect these people in your house. You don't agree with your spouse, you don't like your spouse, fine. I honestly don't care. You don't love your wife, I couldn't care. I couldn't care less. Even if I wanted to. I couldn't care less. That doesn't matter. You are obligated to do your job to protect and provide and protect your children and work it out. That's what you're
supposed to do. That is what it meant to be masculine. That's that's that is what it means to be masculine. Islamically. That's what it means. It means you're responsible. It means that you are a caregiver, it means that you're a protector. That's what it means. Like you're an abuser or a controller, or someone who will do anything to get what they want. No, that's not what it means. These children have to be protected.
It's very important to do that.
And divorce in my opinion, is usually the answer when the children start getting harmed. When you can't work it out to the point where the children are now getting harmed because separation sometimes it's easier for them than
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rather let you know La Habana. Idina that is what I wanted to share with you regarding marriage over these vehicles bus for sure these cars do not serve in any capacity or any way. A guideline or um, for marriage. No, not at all. I just shared with you a couple of points that I've seen happen repetitively in front of me as a pattern over the last 10 years. Time and time again, I hear the same stories with the same outcomes. So I'm offering you some insights so that inshallah you maybe you can stay away from some of these problems. But for sure, we need to put more effort and more time and invest more of ourselves and our community, our community, as well as our community's
resources in helping people getting married, helping them stay married, and helping them fix disputes amongst them. So we can hold on to that unit, that golden unit, which is the family without it, there is no Islam. Without it, there's really nothing for us to look forward to this place will be empty within a generation or two if we don't maintain it. So we have to take this more seriously. And that's why I shared this hope was upon it. Forgive me if I said anything that was offensive to any of you. Nothing I said was meant to be so but I shared what observations I had. At the end of this hope I remind you that August is our month of outreach. We are continually we continue to
perform, or to run social events every Saturday after maghrib that are aimed at Outreach this week will be a cultural potluck. So you're welcome to come bring your cultural dish and share it with people and get to know one another and bring friends who aren't usually comfortable coming to massage. It brings them you have a nice place outside they can get to know we're trying to perform Dalloway, it's our obligation, it's your obligation to perform dollars, it's our obligation to make sure we're welcoming people. So this month of August is still the month of outreach. I would ask you to try your best to do that and participate with us in sha Allah in that regard. I hope that was a
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