Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Why do You Always go Crying to Your Mother
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the cola Hello, my dear respected elders, brothers, now sisters, as
salaam alaikum, warahmatullahi, wabarakatuh.
I want to start with a story that I found to contain a very big
lesson for many of us. People have issues in their life with others,
especially if you're working very closely or living closely. People
have issues. There are types of disputes that come up.
Small disagreements.
The question about this is how do you deal with such disagreements?
If you want a problem free life, that's an impossibility. This life
contains difficulties, challenges, obstacles, things don't
necessarily always go according to the way we want them. And the most
successful person is going to be the one who knows how to deal with
them in the right way, in a wise way. And that's taught through the
religion.
The religion tells us, especially when you believe in Allah, when
you believe in God, and you're doing something for a transcendent
being like that, it makes it easier. It allows us to rise above
our selfish selves, it makes us rise above doing things just for
ourselves when we've got a higher authority to invoke, to, to please
to look for, for support for Philip for reward for, especially
when we trust that higher authority, that Supreme Being when
we know that he's the wise one, where he will help us even though
things seem disadvantages at this point in time. But he will help us
if we do things in the correct way according to the correct guidance.
So there's one story that really hit me, it's a very practical
story. What happens is how many of us have seen in our families or in
other places where husband and wife having a problem newly
married couple, maybe four months into the marriage, six months into
the marriage or one year into the marriage, the Romantic period is
over
the initial euphoric period where you're living in a cloud, right?
As long as you haven't done that cloud before marriage, you know,
because there's many people who do everything before marriage. And
when they get married, there's nothing new, except that they
married, which is really sad, right? Because then you don't get
the same excitement. It's just like you've, you know, made a
commitment afterwards of some sort. So you're living in a crowd,
you go overcome this romantic period. And then suddenly, you
start noticing that your spouse has defects.
They've got problems.
They've got issues and like, Wow, if I had known this before, I
wouldn't have married him or her. And you feel like your world is
falling apart. And what many people do, especially the women,
and men as well, they call their mom, first port of call is to call
their mom.
And the mom, especially if this new son in law or daughter in law
hasn't been really up to her expectations and hasn't been the
way she really wanted them because mother in laws and father in law's
have also expectations. They want to see a particular type of
person, they're dealing with human beings, but they don't realize
that they think it's as simple as going into Costco as the
Morrison's wherever and buying something and if you don't like
give it back, it's a new product on the line straight out. It's on
offer today. introductory offer. If you don't like it, don't buy it
again, give it back. It's not like that. We're dealing with human
beings here. There's a give and take in all of these situations.
solver is needed. And that's why the prophets of Allah Islam said
that a person should not a man should not dislike his wife. Just
because of one defect. She's he sees in her because him she may
have that defect as everybody has defects, but there's many others
that she will have the good quote
Let us focus on the positives. This isn't normal situation, the
first port of call is the mother. Now the mother,
has anybody seen a mother that's not going to favor their child,
and are going to be 100%. Just
very difficult. It's the way mothers are. I'm not blaming them
for it. It's the way mothers are.
It's for the wife, or the husband, the daughter or the son, to
realize that this is not going to be the best place for me to ask my
get my first counseling session from because mothers are always
generally always going to favor their children. It's the case in
fact, I've seen fathers do it. I've seen fathers who are
generally very stable, very gruff, rough and tough. Even they do it.
When it comes to their children. Subhanallah then it says,
but with mothers in their emotional state, and may Allah
bless them for it, because that's what a mother is. That's the
positive aspects of that. What's beneficial for us. So now, there's
a story related. Somebody recently, she used to always call
her mother. Every time she's got a problem with a husband, she calls
her mother. On one occasion, she calls her mother again, to spend
an hour talking to her right backbiting about her husband and
plotting against him and so on. And this time, she got a different
answer. The answer she got was, she was very surprised. She said,
My mother said, Look, I love you a lot. But I think it's very unfair
for us to speak about your husband. She's like, dumbstruck,
totally taken aback. What is my mum saying, she's the one that I
always speak to, and gives me advice of do this. And if he says
this, then do this and say this, and, you know, don't make the tea
in the morning. And he you know, that kind of a thing, you know, to
her baloney.
You know what I mean? I mean, that's the kind of thing like you
give it back as good as you get it. It's no reconciliation.
So this time, she says, Look, I don't think you should talk to me
about him. I want you to, in fact that she said, the first thing is,
Have you prayed to Allah first, have you made dua to Allah first,
that Allah resolve your matter? Like, she's never talked about
that before? What's happening today? said, Look, I love you. And
I want now the best for you, the mum had suddenly become
enlightened, she suddenly realized that I'm not helping the
situation. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen to all the mums.
But for this one some time, maybe she heard something, some had a
dream, or whatever the case is, she said, No, I don't think you
should talk to me and listen to why she said that. She said, It's
because you and your husband have a very special relationship that I
don't have with your husband.
I don't have that same relationship. Whatever happens
between you two, it's much easier for you to resolve and overlook
and be patient and forgive, then for me, because I'm looking as a
third person with emotional attachment with you, not him. So I
don't want you to call me again about this issue. And then this
daughter says, This wife, this daughter says that those words
stuck to me from then on, things became resolved. Because I dealt
with it myself, I realized that I'm on my own, I'm going to have
to deal with it. And now Allah gave me the wisdom to be able to
deal with it. I didn't have anybody that I spoke to who would
be biased towards me all the time.
And believe me, this is definitely true that if your parents are
going on about your spouse, right for the men, that she's there,
saying that she doesn't know how to cook, what kind of a family or
she come from, if these are the kinds of statements you're hearing
from your mother and father about your wife, you'll start to hate
her as well, even though she's perfect for you. But you'll start
to hate her. How can you turn around to your parents and say to
them, Look, I understand that's how you feel about her, but she's
my wife, and I'm feeling okay with her.
I think there's a polite way with respect to mention that to them.
But it's all depends on expectations. But at the end of
the day, we have to live that life If our parents are going to if
we're going to allow our mothers sometimes to do this, how many
which marriage is going to succeed?
How many marriages are going to do even if you get divorced from this
one, people don't know that sometimes the jumping from the
frying pan into the fire. Another thing is that couples should stop
blackmailing each other emotional blackmail. This is extremely
detrimental. The husband, his blackmail is I'll divorce you.
Right I'll divorce you. And the wife's is just give it to me.
If you don't like me, just give it to me. This is an extreme level.
They don't mean it. I've had so many cases where somebody's got
divorced. She's calling me and I'm saying but how did it happen? And
then when you push the they say well, I did say like just give it
to me. He gave it to me, but I didn't really mean it.
How many times have you said that? Oh, I've said it many times,
because what are you doing them?
What were you doing?
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to change names that
people had that weren't very pleasant, pleasant, that somebody
may have called their child, some, once somebody called their child,
or
the grieved one, the profit or loss and changed his name to the
easygoing one, because names have an effect when you keep saying
something to someone, when you that's why we're told to have good
names, because when you call somebody by a good name,
hopefully, the characteristics that that quality should enter
into that person because it's you're invoking, it's like you're
invoking a dua for them, a prayer for them.
So in a similar way, here, if you keep saying something, the husband
the shaytaan, is going to put into your into the husband's mind the
next time she says it, I'm just going to give it
and you know, we're human beings, we're in different moods,
sometimes we may have been angry from work may have been, you know,
the London traffic is crazy. That really gives people road rage,
they come home and have house rage.
Because the traffic you know, you're just tired from work and it
took you 45 minutes, we're supposed to be a three mile
journey took you 45 minutes, that's ridiculous.
So you've come home, you're very angry, you're thirsty, you're
you're hungry, or whatever the case is, and you didn't bring you
forgot to bring the shopping.
Or it's the other way around.
You have to be very sensitive in what you say to each other. I know
we can make mistakes, but the best person is the one as the prophets
of Allah Islam said Albert, the OB salami, buddy, aminal kibra. The
one who makes the lamb first is the one who is free of arrogance.
Because what's going to prevent us from reconciling? From saying
salaam it come from? You know, greeting them again? Is our
arrogance. She should do it first, he should do it first. It's like,
if I do it first, then he's always going to take advantage of me.
Well, have you seen that he's going to take advantage of you?
Have you seen that she's going to take advantage of you. In fact,
loving creases in their heart, you will score points. At the end of
the day between husband and wife, what you need to do is you need to
score points with each other. That helps when there's a bad
situation, because then they will be reminded. But look, there's a
lot of good things that he's done. Remember that those flowers he
bought me. I mean, you wonder why you should buy flowers, they just
put them in there for two, three days. And then after that, they
will turn they go away. But you know, flowers for women is
something ajeeb it's connected to their hearts. If I look at it
financially, and from the perspective of redundancy and
everything, I think why should I buy flowers, five pound flowers,
they're gonna sit there for two, three days, and they're gonna die.
I mean, I'm wasting my five pounds, or 10 pounds or 15 pounds.
But you know, the I don't know what flowers has to do with women,
flowers, jewelry, this kind of stuff, chocolates, they love that
kind of stuff. I'm talking to the men here. That's why I'm saying
this. It will do you. It'll give you lots of points. Try it. I'm
not saying I do this every day. But I'm saying trades.
And if you've never done it before, and you do it, Inshallah,
I'll get lots of doors. But this is things that you have to do you
have to do these kinds of things. Men will not appreciate flowers.
If your wife brought you flowers, you think man, what do you think
you think I'm a woman or something? It's against the
manliness to buy flowers for men, generally speaking, they need
other things.
And that is the womanly attention that a woman gives us the best
thing that she can give to her husband womanly, motherly, that
kind of a love and affection and care. That is the best thing that
she can give to the husband. It's all about making each other happy.
You know what researchers are saying now? I've seen so many
people I've traveled with, and he's homesick. I said, Why are you
homesick for missing your wife is the norm with you, My children, I
don't miss my wife.
I feel sorry for him. You should miss both your children and your
wife. In fact, you know what researchers are saying today.
And if you look at the Hadees most of the focus about love and
affection, understanding compromising is about the husband
and wife, not the house. Not that not the father and child of the
mother and child. That's more about tarbiyah.
That's more about tarbiyah and Rama and mercy. What the
researchers are saying today is that your wife for the your your
spouse should be your first priority then your children.
Most people think that once you have children, they're your
priority. When I say priority, I'm saying they're both important. I
don't mean to say you relegate the others to no priority. They both
priority. But they're saying that if you have a healthy relationship
between husband and wife, you will be on the same page in doing
tarbiyah and in nurturing your children then otherwise, if there
is a discrepancy between the two out of spite for the other, the
mother will sometimes allow the Father will sometimes allow them
to do things that the other one
doesn't like this is when it gets really ugly when they use the
children in between, especially in cases of divorce, which is another
story. But they the researchers are saying that if you make your
spouse, the husband makes the wife and the wife makes the husband
their first priority,
you will have a more healthier children and healthier household.
Because when you to own one, because I've dealt the cases that
I deal with, when it's regarding children is generally got to do
with one spouse against the other, what they should be allowed to
wear, what they should not be allowed to wear, the mother is
allowing something the father doesn't want it, or the father is
allowing something and the mother is not allowing it, you know,
something that's not appropriate to wear, for example, and then
after the argument is that I'm not on the same wavelength as you.
If you tell that to your spouse,
if a wife says to her husband, look, I'm not on the same
wavelength as you or the husband says that to the wife, that is
very detrimental. You may not be on the same wavelength you've
discussed, you've discovered that from the conflicts you have and
the differences of opinion you have, but you don't state that you
try to resolve it. The husband should try to understand why the
wife is not thinking his way is it being Is it maybe because he's
being too harsh about something, maybe he's being a bit too literal
about something, maybe he's being too soft about something. And the
wife should think the same way, and they should try to meet in the
middle.
Because once this gets aggravated, and you get to a level where it's
sometimes people, the love comes out of the heart, and then it
becomes a point of no return and you've got three or four children.
And then that's harm for everybody.
So always think what kind of what what my what kind of impact will
my words have? Because at the end of the day, they both want a happy
lifestyle. But unfortunately, we have people in our community who
for 15 years have had problems.
And they've now that is they're satisfied with that they don't
know how to get out of it. They don't think there's a way to get
out of it. They think she's never going to change and she thinks
he's never going to change 1520 years this problem has been going
on because I get questions that if a husband and wife haven't slept
together for a year, does the lock happen? I said no, it doesn't.
Because in our Sharia, you can you know you can stay separate. In
that sense. For five years or 10 years, no Talaq will take less
Talaq has to be uttered. You have to say something, you have to
issue it. It's not going to happen by inaction.
But what kind of a life is that? What are we teaching our children?
What kind of impression is on our children like that? Are they going
to grow up and do the same thing because that's what they've seen
in the house. And that's what they've seen on EastEnders. And
that's what they've seen on Coronation Street, and all of
these other, whatever, that's the only two I know I'm sure there's
others today. Right? Because where are our children going to learn
how it is to live a happy life. These sensationalist dramas don't
give you the right thing. Because if there's a nice happy couple,
that's that doesn't make a good program. You need things to be up
and down. You need unfaithful as you need infidelity, you need
cheating, that's when it makes it juicy. That's what that's what's
gonna get you the ratings. And if in the house is the same as well,
then where are our children going to look?
Now let's give some hope here. The main thing is that even if we've
had problems for 2025 years, take the for whoever's listening, take
the first step, contact somebody that can help. And if you are
listening, and you're the cause, because you're so hard hearted.
And I say this clearly, because it's such a big problem. And I
have to listen to this misery and I have to do something about it.
If your heart hurts it, and you just can't speak correctly and
properly, you can get help.
There's help for you that being provides assistance, that then
gives you a way out, but you need to ask for that help. It doesn't
matter if it's been 20 years. There are certain of gar there are
certain Vickers UScar that you can override that you can do that will
there are certain Adguard that you can do that will remove anger from
you. It will take a while you have to do it. If you've been angry for
20 years of your life or all your life. Yes, you have to work on
yourself. But we have answers. If you have extreme lust for
something, and haram desires, we have vicar for that as well. If
you have a problem with jealousy, you have vicar for that and you
have to ask for that as well. So if you if you have arrogance, then
there is a way to deal with that as well. But you have to seek and
you have to then act. You can't go to a doctor for a problem, say 20
years I've had
This spot here do something about and doctor gives you a
prescription. But you're just so lazy to go to the chemist and by
the and then to apply it.
If a Molana if, if if a shake gives you a prescription, that
this is what you should read, and you have to spend half an hour
doing it. Because if we've had a problem for 20 years, we're going
to need an hour a day to work on it. I don't want to discourage
you. But if you don't act on that prescription, then it's just an
empty prescription and that medicine will go stale. You have
to act upon it. The dean has everything the prophets of Allah
says dealt with all of these issues.
Ask for help.
Ask for help, and make lots of dua to Allah subhanaw taala.
So the point is that let us not feel that even if we been in this
situation, and my whole family hates me, and you know, I've been
to I've had questions about certain people and and I say, can
you not find an uncle that can help? Can you not find a Molana
that can help? And you know, the response I get, he doesn't listen
to anybody.
Nobody in the family talks to him. He doesn't listen to anybody. He's
broken it with everybody. He's alone in the world. How would you
like to be like that? What are you going to what's going to happen to
you in the hereafter? The prophets of Allah some said Manchester
should have in nor the one who stays away, he's he's going to be
away like that in the hellfire. If he's done the bad actions like
that. It doesn't matter whether you're making salad. But we live
in a world which is a social world, we're social creatures.
We're not told to do hermit shoots. We're not told to live
alone, angry at everybody. It is extremely important to learn this,
that this is not how the prophets of Allah Islam was. He said La
Jolla Rahim Allah yet live Allah you love
me, no matter LePhone The Mothman the believer is a place of
affection is a place of perfection. And he said there is
no good in the one who is not affectionate and interacts good
with others and people don't interact good with him.
This is what the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, so yes,
you could be making your salad.
But it's social interaction can get you to great heights. And we
need to seek a large for this if you have this as a problem.
I know if I have an anger problem, I need to work on it. And
Alhamdulillah there are a God out there that will help you with your
anger problem. But you have to have commitment. May Allah
subhanaw taala give us a tool for you. May Allah subhanho wa Taala
accept us all and make us better people, better human beings,
better believers, better servants of Allah subhana wa Tada and allow
us to live in a world in a society that is conducive to that and that
assists each other