Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – When you really want to marry someone, but

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One of the issues that we get consulted about quite a bit is,

and I've had a number of these questions is that you've got,

you've got this brother or the sister who wants to marry, you

know, want to marry someone, and they think they found the right

person, and then they've become either intellectually obsessed or

emotionally obsessed with them. And they think that this is the

best person. I mean, this is quite a natural feeling that happens

sometimes, that if you found somebody that seems to tick all

the boxes that have been in your mind, you know, for a prospective

spouse, you then suddenly latch on to them and you become so

emotionally attached that you think that you can't get anything

better than that. And then what happens is that if there's ever a

hitch, if there's ever an obstacle put into your path, in terms of

that marriage, maybe your parents don't like that person, or maybe

their parents won't agree to it, because you're from a different

background, different ethnicity, different costs, different

language, or they just don't like you for whatever reason, or you

got family problems with them, you know, your father, or your mother

or your family had any issues with them. I mean, these are all

different manifestations. I've seen all of these issues, like,

you know, with all of these different issues that have come

about, what happens is you get these emails you get these people

consulting you about,

what can I do? What's the most effective thing to overcome this

hurdle, this obstacle? How do we deal with this issue, and so on? I

think one of the things that we have to understand here is that we

don't know what's the best thing for us, Allah subhanaw taala says

is that sometimes you may love something, you may really, really

want something and desire something, even though it's bad

for you, it's actually disliked for you, it's, it's actually

harmful for you for the future. And then in some cases, you may

just dislike something at the outset, you may have some kind of

hatred for it, you may have some kind of dislike for it, you may

not have any kind of love for it, but it's actually better for you.

So we don't really know, because that's how we that's how the world

works. I mean, we know from our past experiences, and our history,

our own history that sometimes you know, we've thought of things in a

particular way, but they've come up come to be something else as

well. So how do you deal with this issue? Firstly, what I normally

say is that, look, if you really want something, if you really want

something in life, ask Allah subhanho wa Taala for it, as long

as it's halal, and as long as you're doing it in the right way

that is permissible for you to ask Allah subhanaw taala persist in

your questioning without, you know, without asking for, you

know, without asking for something unusual, or something, something

embarrassing to happen. Essentially, what we're saying is

that you can ask Allah subhanaw taala I normally say, Look, if you

really want something, get up for Tahajjud prayer, give some sadaqa

get off a dodgy prayer and then make some sincere dua for number

of days. Right. Now, if Allah subhanaw taala really wants you to

have that these dua should be powerful enough. But you must

always also remember and this is the most important thing you must

remember that we don't really know

if this thing is good for us or bad for us. So as much dua as you

make, you should definitely give that give that a chance. And you

should really ask Allah subhanaw taala. But if Allah subhanaw taala

doesn't want us to have that thing, then what we need to really

be clear about and what we really need to understand is that we need

to be able to overcome our obsession, we need to overcome our

emotion, and we mustn't then reduce our own lives to some kind

of miserable existence, where just because we can't get them, we're

going to be trying that for you know, for years and years to come,

we have to be realistic about it, we have to be reasonable about our

pursuits. So what I normally say is that look, you will try to do

the best that you can do, you will try to make as as much data as

possible, give sadaqa to everything, you know, in your

ability will between you and Allah subhanaw taala to make this work,

but have a timeline, have a have a certain period in which you will

do this for so you'll say you'll give it two months, you'll give it

maximum three months, I don't suggest that you go for a year

because at the end of the day, when it comes to marriage, we're

always getting older things change, illnesses could hit us and

you know, the longer we live most in most cases according to the

general way that Allah subhanaw taala has made the world we

generally have less potential afterwards. So the older we get,

the less likely you know the we become less likely to get married

to who we really want to generally speaking, I mean this is not

always the case. So what I'm saying is that we need to be

realistic about it. We need to give it a certain period of time

we'll say okay for three months, this is what I'm going to try to

do and inshallah if it works in this and I'm going to make every

dollar

To Allah subhanaw taala I can to make this work. But if in three

months, it doesn't happen, then I need to detach myself. And the

best thing to do in this case is to do is the heart. I mean, there

is another nother video lecture we have on istikhara and emotional

attachment and so on. But this one in particular was just about being

realistic and reasonable about it, where we give ourselves a

timeframe. And then we don't just obsess forever. I mean, believe

me, a lifelong obsession with something you can't get, it is

extremely detrimental for you, you know, from every perspective,

because it will slow you down, it will inhibit you, it will make you

miserable, it will make you sad, it will make you depressed, you

won't be able to get work done properly, you won't be able to

really pursue anything else that is important to pursue, it will

have an impact on your life, it will have an impact on your

health, it will have an impact on your, in your status in many

different ways. And at the end of the day, Allah subhanaw taala has,

you know, as they say, there's a lot of fish in the sea. Right?

There are many fish in the sea and this obsession that we have

sometimes that this is the best person believe me, it's not always

the case, it seems like that but Allah subhanaw taala can very

easily put something much better in another person. And there are

so many other people were vocally the Illuminati as Allah subhanho

wa Taala says that beyond every knowledgeable person, there's a

more knowledgeable person. And this is the same with everything

else. It's just that sometimes we don't know that. So again, to

reiterate, let us not think that the thing we have is going to be

the only thing for us and we're going to pursue it until we get it

or even if we don't get it, we're going to pursue it until we die.

That kind of an obsession is not really reasonable. And it's really

detrimental for us. So Allah subhanaw taala give us the Tofik

Allah fulfill I mean we make dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala that

you fulfill our permissible desires, but he also make us

reasonable in the way we pursue things and in what we pursue and

May Allah guide us alright. Allahumma alumna husana Where

isn't I mean surely and phocoena that's a that's a famous da that's

a very powerful dua which means Oh Allah al him nourished Anna

inspire me of my ways of guidance is my inspire me in guidance guide

me essentially inspire me with my guidance in the way I'm supposed

to do things while him and him now Russa isn't I mean, surely and

fusina which means and give me refuge give me protection from the

evils of my own lowly self, of my of my ego of my desires, so I

don't want to succumb to them. But at the end of the day, I want you

to guide me in the best way possible that is for me in this

world and in the hereafter. So Allah subhanaw taala fulfill our

permissible desires and may Allah subhanahu wa taala make it easy

for us to see things correctly and rightly and reasonably and may

Allah subhanaw taala go on to steal for you in this world.

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