Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – What to Look for in a Marriage Partner Dispelling Common Myths

Bismillah your Walkman you're watching

right? What to look for in a partner

in a spouse,

the famous Hadith, I'm sure most of you know which is related by

Muslim. Don't go to

the Irvine, the Maliha where he has to be Howard Willie Jamali her

what he Dini her for me that the telepathic Imam Muslim rates is

Hadith, on the authority of Abu Huraira the Allahu Anhu. So allah

sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is giving a general observation, why

do people get married to others for Think about it? Why do people

get married to others?

You know, not just religious perspective. You know, they get

married to somebody.

Some of these things don't necessarily apply in our culture,

cultures are different. So he's just talking across cultures, what

people might get married for. And obviously, he's taking into

consideration the culture of the Arabs of the time. So generally,

people get married for four reasons. Generally, they all come

down to four reasons one

for her wealth.

Now he's talking to men. That's why he's he's saying for the you

know, why a woman? Why would what reasons would you like to marry a

woman for this same thing applies the other way around. And you

could even add to it based on the on the woman's perspective. But

this is not being a discriminate. This is not this hadith is not

discriminating against women. Just the fact that a boxer has made

this statement, he's talking to men, hey, what do you guys get

married for this is what you generally get married for. This is

what you look for the wealth. What it means by wealth, generally, is

that and I don't like this idea at all. You're getting married to a

woman with a lot of wealth. Why? So that you can use her wealth?

Right? She's got a nice house. So you can live in that house, she

drives nice cars. She's a CEO of a company or something like that.

She's got a major inheritance. So mashallah, you're gonna go on

holidays with her and stuff like that she's gonna pay for you.

She's got a nice platinum American Express, you know, so that's why

you're getting married. I said, I don't think most of us have that

issue. Right? I don't think that most of us have the issue. And I

could be wrong. But sometimes the parents look at this issue. It's

not, it's not wrong to look at it completely. Unless you only look

at that issue.

It's completely fine. Parents look at this issue, what kind of, you

know, what kind of family are they from?

Another reason might be I don't have to spend on it, because

you're very selfish.

Believe me, there are people like that. They've marked out how they

spending their money. And when they get their wife, they want

them to contribute. That is just so unmanly.

I'm not joking, it is just so unmanly to do that if you get

married, without the ability to be able to spend on your spouse,

right, then you're not fit to get married. That is one of the

fundamental requires that she should come for free for the free,

right? Even if she's making more money than you, she can do what

she wants with that shingles sadaqa, she can give you some or

she doesn't have to, believe me, it's so unmanly to ask your wife

for money pouring and giving back to her. In extreme situations,

they say you have to pay half the rent. It's wrong.

I just like to mention a sticky point here, for those who are

married is that if you're if you're both working, we have cases

where both are working, they're pooling their money together,

they're buying stuff of the house, the house the stuff in the house

together, then you need to make sure from a safety perspective,

just in case one of you dies, because one of you will die first

and the other will die after or you both will die eventually, you

have to know what the percentage of share is because there will be

implications in your inheritance. So you have to know Okay, is it

straightforward 5050 partnership, regardless of what people are

putting in.

If it's like that, that's fine. So the washing machine 5050.

Not that you're going to go on and saying hey, this is 5050 all the

time and tell everybody bro, that everything is 5050. You don't have

to do that. But you just know. And it's in your wills so that when

one of you dies, how the inheritance gets split is clear.

Otherwise, there's a major problem. Or if there's a divorce

issue, then it also gets confusing. So you need to know in

joint situations like that, that if the husband is the one making

the money and the wife is not working, then it's assumed that

everything that husband is buying is there is his unless he's giving

something as a gift to the wife, then it's hers. So you have to

know the ownership.

Another one might be that another reason that I want to get married

to

a rich woman because my children will then inherit from her family

will inherit from them so my children will be well off. That

could be another reason. These are just possible reasons. We're not

saying whether they're good or bad reasons. We just think these are

possible reasons. Okay, family, right. When it comes to family,

it's not as big of a deal as much as it was in the time of the Arabs

before because they said they had strong tribal

affiliations and relationships. So you needed to be married to a

family that had a good name. Because then you had their

protection as well. They would come for you, meaning they would

they would they would support you, they would strengthen you. It was

a sense of honor, I'm married. And you, you will see that in the

Jahangir poetry, I'm married to a woman from such and such a tribe.

That was a sense of fucker. That was a sense of, of pride. Right?

So that was a big thing in those days. Well, there's other good

reasons for that. This one might not be the best reason that you

and I both I'm married to that tribe, you know, I'm married to

that woman, they don't give their girls to anybody. But I got one.

Right, first shot. You know, I proposed that I got it. 10 other

people had, you know, had applied and they didn't get it, and I got

it first round Hamdulillah. Right.

There, nurturing is going to be superior. If they're from a good

family with good Afula, good morals, good character, good

understanding, you'd expect that genetically they'd be, they would

be better off. There'll be there'll be better off in that

sense, that o'clock, and so on, that will go into your children.

So that's a good reason to look at this issue. So what we're going to

look at is a good family that have good character, the way they deal

with others, they're not those kinds of people who are going to

come and come after you with baseball bats if there's a

problem, but they're going to deal with it sitting down and you know,

and relaxed, you know, with Allah with character. That's what my dad

said, he goes, we don't want a family, we're gonna just come and

argue with you everyday, if there's something goes wrong,

you know, you want something that can talk to you. Things might go

wrong, just want somebody that you can talk to.

So, because there's this concept of elk, and it's all genetics at

the end of the day, and we what we're discovering, right, maybe

it's a vein that once a person had a child that was dark, skinned, he

was like, that's not my wife's child. That's not my child. He

says, No, it is, it's possible that above this, you know, there

was somebody who was dark, and that's why you've just got that we

understand that through genetics today anyway, right.

So has sub has a family lineage, in some aspects for us could

relate to just character and conduct behavior, which then

passes over to the children and it is better to be able to deal with

such a family. But if they're, if they're has sub, their family is

based on pomp and arrogance, then I feel sorry for you. Right,

because if you don't stand up to their level, you're going to

you're going to be looked down upon.

Number Number three, is the beauty I don't need to speak about beauty

beauty is beauty is beauty. You know, it's it's temporary, it's

temporal. It's only for a certain amount of time, tomorrow, anything

can happen. Subhanallah, you might see some if you're into beauty,

then tomorrow, you might see something more beautiful. And this

one is no longer beautiful anymore. That's what the problem

is.

Right? But again, what is the shared? What is the shared

characteristic between wealth, family and beauty?

That is not found in Dean.

It's temporal, it's temporary. It's only limited to this world,

none of that your your, your beauty, your family lineage, your

wealth is not going to go into the hereafter.

All of those have potential that you use it in the right way and

you earn rewards for the hereafter, but they intrinsically

can't go to the hereafter. So the first 1000 said, fun for me that

been when become a winner, a champion with the dean aspects. He

didn't say with only the Dean aspects, he said, but become a

champion with the DNS, which is the main aspect study, but yeah,

dark, which means May your hands be be soiled, which means May you

become a poor person, if you don't, if you don't take that into

consideration. He was just trying to emphasize how important that

is. Now, let's put this in perspective. When I was studying,

and I would I probably read this hadith so many times, it came in

Mischka to come in Buhari became in numerous ahaadeeth. So in my

mind, it was like, Okay, we're gonna get married to a religious

woman, I don't care about beauty. And some people actually

encouraged that, you know, just make sure you talk about the deal.

They don't put it in perspective. So I had, you know, I had formed

this opinion that I'm just going to get married to a Dini woman, I

don't care about, you know, her looks or anything like that.

Because intellectually, you can convince yourself, right, because

we're human beings, we can intellectually convince ourselves.

There was a guy in my class, there were two people in my class that

were married. Right, while we were studying, there were two people in

my class that were married.

One of them was a really sincere, genuine, very quiet kind of man,

not an outgoing kind of person. Right. One day, he heard me

saying, you know, we should just focus on the dean. I was like,

going on about it. He took me to the side. He says, you know, let

me tell you something. Right. He said, You know, you're talking

about being the Indian, which is a good thing. But don't overlook the

beauty aspects.

The attractiveness aspects. Why? Because when you go out, when

you're going to go outside, you're going to see all forms of

attraction, fake, good, sincere, bad, fake imitation artificial

shaytani, you're going to see all forms of attraction outside,

right? When you come home, and it's not there, how long is your

results going to last? You're going to feel like you don't have

what you've just seen.

Right? So he was talking about it from the context of where we live.

So how Allah the way we live, you can't even look down and be

protected.

Right? One of my friends, he went to Germany in Austria. And he

said, it's even worse than England. He said, we were in

Germany for a month, and we would sit in the tube, you can't look

up.

You can't even look down, because

so he goes, this is how we spent because in Jamaat, you want to be

really present, you want to get something out of it. He says, the

way we used to sit was like this

with a newspaper in front of us every day, even in the newspaper

to find the right page.

Just being honest, seriously, and this person's not see her it did

strike me at that time. So my then do is change that Allah gives me

both. Give me everything. That's why if you have been successful

with the deen and you've also got a good family, maybe some wealth

as well with it, and beauty, then you are the luckiest person in the

world.

So we're not trying to say that these things need to be

discredited and overlooked. But make sure you don't look at them

only. And get the most stunning woman who doesn't have good Dean,

or get the most stunning husband. That doesn't have been because

this applies the other way around as well.

But believe me make dua if you're not married, make dua that Allah

subhanaw taala gives you all four because he has the ability to do

that. Don't underestimate Allah, and if you are already married,

and you can't do this again, right, which is generally the

case, make dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala that Allah gives you the

benefits of one of these four, and he can even do that. So don't feel

bad about it if you don't have all four. But believe me, if you ask

Allah subhanaw taala I have to thank Allah subhanaw taala I don't

want to make this too personal, but that person's in that person's

advice was.on spot on in terms of where we live,

and it's only getting worse. The dunya is only getting worse in

that regard.