Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – The Ten Ts toward a Successful Marriage
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu lillahi Hamdan cathedra on
the Yemen Mubarak and fie Mubarak and Ali he can now your headboard,
Bulawayo, La Jolla Jana who are melawan of WA salatu salam ala say
Eden Habibollah Mustafa SallAllahu, Derrida by SallAllahu
Taala are they who are either Leakey or software he or Baraka
was seldom at the Sleeman kefir on Eli Yomi Dean Emeritus.
He respects our brothers and our sisters. Nice to be in your midst
on this happy occasion.
I generally don't do wedding programs because people have
various different things to do on that day but mashallah, this
sister who's getting married, she's getting married to you, I
guess.
Mashallah, she was very enthusiastic about this. And she
contacted us several times. And we said, look, we can't guarantee she
contacted us about maybe one and a half, two months ago, they said we
can't promise at all because two months away, we don't know what
you're going to be doing because I just came back from overseas. So
he said, Look, contact us on the last week and if we can do it,
Inshallah, we'll do it. But Michelle, looking looking at her
zeal and her, you know, her desire for this, we said shall have
Bismillah Inshallah, we'll go and do it. So, it's nice to be
Inshallah, on the moment of your happiness. And may Allah subhanho
wa Taala make this a really a wonderful day of happiness. I just
want to share a few few points with you. And then after that,
I'll let you carry on with what you have to do today. Inshallah.
First and foremost, there's somebody who has compiled a list
of things that husband and wives should take care of, should be
considered consider, Inshallah, that should help to lead to a
successful marriage. This is inshallah beneficial for those who
are getting married today. And for those who are already married,
like myself, and many others, I'm sure, and also for those who hope
to get married in the future. what somebody has done this is in this,
the way it's been done is that there's a number of teas that
somebody has collected together, and I received this message. Allah
bless the one who's collected these together. They are the teas
for a successful marriage. You'll understand what I'm saying when I
start, it says that the first T is for Taco.
The first T is for taco. Taco means God fairness Taqwa means to
do that which we want Allah to be happy with, to not be seen where
Allah doesn't want us to be and to be where he wants us to be. So
Allah should not find us absent from where he wants us to be, and
he should not find us present where he doesn't want us to be.
Inshallah, when the hotbar of the niqab begins, you will see that
there are three verses of the Quran that are recited
and those three verses are specially chosen from different
places in the Quran. They all are about Taqwa.
Yeah, you Halina Amanita Kula haka. Takata Yeah, you Alladhina
amanu tabula Hawa. Kulu covenant sadita. Yeah, Johanna, taco,
Rebecca, all of them about Taqwa. The benefit of this is a reminder
for the husband and wife, and for the two families that are coming
together, that Inshallah, if you think about Allah, during the
course of your marriage, you're married to life, family
interaction, then it will help you to even out a lot of problems.
I'll give you an example. Let's just say that there's a,
a, the wife cooks, according to the way she learned from her
mother or her side of the family, a particular dish, whatever is a
famous dish that you have, you're used to it from your side of the
family. And now you want her to make it that way. If you start an
argument over it, is going to lead to a problem like why don't you
make it our way? If you want her to make your way then give her
some training in a polite way without trying to hurt her to ego.
I'm telling you this from experience if I criticize my
wife's cooking, right and say, no, no, you guys have it wrong and my
site has it right? That's, that's that's very offensive. Now, I just
want to get it right. I just want her to cook the way I want to. So
if I want that to happen, let's do it in the smoothest way says look,
mashallah, you guys you have your own style of cooking. I'm used to
this type of cooking let's try this way as well. So you can know
two ways of cooking then inshallah you know, so it's just a knack of
doing that. And the reason we do this is because there are a
creation of Allah, we're a creation of Allah. And we want
Allah to be happy with us. Allah wants us to be compassionate with
others. Allah subhanho wa Taala wants us to be kind and generous
with others and wants us to be polite with others that is a
HELOC. So in sha Allah the first
point, as I said was about Taqwa the second T is for trust. And I'm
really talking about all of these things very briefly, because each
of these have long discussions, which we don't have time to go
into. The second T is for trust.
The husband and wife relationship is one of the closest
relationships in the world.
You know how I prove that it's, to some degree, it becomes even
closer than a child and their parents, or a parent and their
children sometimes, the reason is that in the Hereafter, which is
going to be the life for hereafter forever, the people who are going
to be together in Paradise is going to be a husband and wife,
you're not going to be with your father or your mother in paradise,
or your brother or sister or your son or daughter, or your uncle or
auntie, whoever it is, yes, you can visit them in sha Allah and
everything else, and you can get together with them. But those who
will be living together will be husband and wife, as amazing.
They're not even your blood relatives. Sometimes if you're not
marrying your cousin, and you're marrying somebody from another
tribe, another family, another ethnicity, they're not even your
relatives, but you to husband and wife will end up in gender
together. It's a very long term relationship.
For this relationship to come together properly, you need trust,
you know, husband and wives need to learn to trust one another.
I remember there was somebody there marriages on the rocks,
because although they were married, and they had children
together for so many years, the husband never told his wife, the
wife did not know how much the husband made.
He doesn't know how much he salaries, his letters she can't
look at. And that's understandable to a certain degree. But what kind
of trust is this?
You know, what kind of a level of relationship is this? Trust is
very important. Do not ever lie to your spouse, if you've done
something wrong, I've realized that we've done something wrong,
seeking an apology is superior to try to make up another story. And
then they find out later, husband and wives will find out about
their partner more than anybody else. wives have an amazing
ability to find out what their husbands are doing eventually.
Right? Eventually they find out, you can only hide things from
anybody else just for so long. Maybe a month, maybe a year, maybe
two years. But eventually after three years if she finds out, or
he finds out that you know, whichever one is doing the problem
that you've been doing this for the last three years, you could
have an irrepairable problem. That's why I've always found that
if you do make a mistake, you do do something wrong, even best is
just gonna apologize. It may feel bad for a few days, but it will
get better. Rather than try to hide it hide it because
one sin, one wrong. One mistake leads to many others. The third T
is for tongue.
The third T is for tongue and I'm sure everybody understands what
that's going to be about. Keep control of the tongue. Sometimes
in the heat of the moment, people will say things that they don't
really mean. So many times people will say the word divorce. And
after five minutes, they will regret it. Sometimes they say
three Talaq Be careful of the tongue, not just with the word
divorce, or Tala or whatever word you use for divorce. Also, just in
how we communicate, the tongue is it's so important for us to
control because that is what will really mess up this relationship.
Now, people like me who like to talk a lot, who are very
argumentative, I've got more to worry about than a silent person.
People who are who like to talk a lot and holies like to win the
argument, even if they're wrong, then you've got a bigger
challenge. Because if you'd keep trying to win every argument with
your spouse, you're not going to have any love left in that
relationship. Remember the winner? The person who thinks he or she is
right all the time,
generally celebrates alone. Because even if they're wrong,
they think they're right. Everybody else knows they're
wrong. They're not going to celebrate with you, even if you
win the argument, because you're so good at it. Right? So it's not
about who wins the argument. It's about trying to build a
relationship together, especially especially with a husband and wife
because we have a lot of children involved in this case. Number
four, T is for time. You have to start spending time together with
your spouse, if you're a person who's got a nice loads of
different groups on WhatsApp, and in real life as well, not just on
WhatsApp, but you've got lots of friends that you like to go out
with some Tuesday night. It's football on Wednesday night.
It's eating out. And on Thursday night is I don't know, markers,
maybe complete markers, right. And then on Friday, it's something
else on Saturday, something else. Now you get married, and you
expect your wife to stay alone for five hours each night to three
hours each night you come back at 12 or one o'clock. It's just not
right. Initially, at least initially, you do have to spend
time together to build your relationship. This is an important
relationship because this relationship, as I said, carries
on to Jana. But more important, this is the relationship and
environment you create for your children.
And if you have one, one part of the family who's not always there.
Similarly, if the wife is constantly going to a father's
house, right, constantly going to a father's his parents come to
visit, she disappears to her mother's house, her relatives
house, you can tell that that's just a disaster. Time is very
important. Yes. Eventually, once you get to know each other, once
you understand each other's needs and requirements, you can make
adjustments. But you have to do it mutually remember, this is the
person that you're committing yourself to, because that is the
family unit that in which you will bring up your children. And that
needs to be very cohesive. Lots of arguments come because the husband
is not there, or the wife keeps disappearing. Either way, it's
it's a problem. The next tea is for the next tea is actually for
tea, meaning chai tea, right? What does that mean? And again, I
didn't make this list up. But I think it's interesting. Make sure
that you eat and drink together at the same time. I think in most of
our families, we do tend to sit and eat together. But in some
prefer more professional, formalized families. Husband comes
at a different time from work. wife comes at a different time,
and foods in the oven warming up in the microwave and eats. I'm
talking to everybody supposed to be talking to you. Right.
So try to sit down to eat together, especially when you have
children, it's very important to sit together with the children and
eat because there's a lot of things that are shared at that
time. And we need to speak to the children see what's been going on
at school, anything that's troubling them. Because if you
have that healthy interaction at that time, then children will feel
like they can divulge whatever problems they have in their mind
to the parents rather than to some weird friend who then takes them
in the wrong direction. And the children psychologically feel
alone. And then they resort to drugs and other means of gaining
some kind of happiness.
There's some motifs left just a few. The next key is for
technology. In this time and age, we have a new challenge before it
would just be going to visit people and meeting people. Now you
don't have to be anywhere. You can be visiting hundreds of people
online while sitting with your spouse while sleeping with your
spouse as well. Unfortunately, husband why both in bed? The
husband is on his WhatsApp. And the wife is on her WhatsApp as
well as speaking to her friends. It's more important, I guess.
Right? And of course, there's so many other things. There are so
many other worst places that people can go not just on
WhatsApp, but in all sorts of other websites and things like
that, that destroy marriage. Technology is a good thing. But it
does. It's not there to destroy lives. Numerous research shows how
Facebook has actually ended people's marriages. Because of
what is done. You can read the research online and WhatsApp is a
massive fitna. Right.
I've got a talk on the on zamzam Academy about social media if
anybody's interested in know more about that, I don't want to go
into it right now. The next t then is for troublemakers,
troublemakers. Now, what do you think I mean by that you may have
somebody in your family that doesn't that causes trouble. Maybe
they have the best intentions, but they don't know how to do it. I'll
give you an example. There was a wife, who used to constantly tell
her mother everything. And her mother used to advise her, but her
mother is from another generation. Her mother doesn't understand the
daughter's generation. Right. The mother had never had any
technology in her generation in her time, but the daughter does.
Right? The daughter does. Now after a few after several months
or so, one day, as always, the daughter was telling about her
issues with the husband petty issues, you know, like a soap
opera. She would call up every day or every two days and give the
latest part of EastEnders right of their marriage. And the mother
would advise her. It was like the mother was it was like the
daughter was a robot in the hands of the mother telling her what to
do say this say that whatever. One day when she called up her mother,
the daughter said, sorry, the mother said, I just realized that
I am not in your position. I am a third person. I'm outside. I'm
your mother. But from now on. I don't want you to tell me anything
about what goes on in your life. I want you to
deal with it yourself. The reason is
I don't have the same relationship with your husband that you do the
same intimacy, the same communication, the same
relationship, I'm a third person, and then I'm your mother, I'm
always going to be biased. From now on, I want you to deal with it
yourself. The day she said that, obviously, her daughter felt
isolated, and a bit put off initially. But that was the secret
of the success of their marriage afterwards, because now her
daughter, who was much more aware of the relationship between them
acted for herself, and the relationship relationship
improved. Don't let somebody else control your relationship. Yes,
when things become out of control, or think you think they're gonna
go out of control, and go get some help from the right people, May,
if that's your mother, your auntie your friend, whatever. But don't
let your friends control your marriage. You're not supposed to
be providing your friends an update of the first several months
of your marriage, and then let them comment on it. That is
completely wrong. In fact, I've seen cases where it got messed up
afterwards, because the wife was actually giving an update on
everything, including little arguments and petty arguments. And
it was just having a very bad effect on their marriage. Do you
deal with it yourself because you're in that relationship. And
finally,
the last, there's two T's left, the second velocity is for temper.
control your temper, there will be cases where things will get
aggravating, right husband and wife relationship in the beginning
starts off with a lot of romance. But eventually, when the Romantic
period, when everybody stops acting formally, and they get a
bit more informal, you will start noticing defects on your partner.
Because every human being has defects. I have defects, everybody
has defects except the prophets. Right. So now you will start
noticing defects. When you start noticing defects, you will start
getting aggravated, be careful of your temper, because temper will
lead to you saying things doing things that will just spoil the
marriage, control your temper. And finally, the last point, T is for
tahajjud. T is for tahajjud. Which means we need to learn to pray
together. If you're doing 100 together, it means you're doing
the other five daily prayers together. So if the husband and
wife can wake each other up for 200, and create a healthy Islamic
environment in the house, then inshallah they can guarantee being
together in paradise. It would be quite sad if
I was in paradise and not my wife. And it'd be quite sad if my wife
was in paradise and not me. Although I think she's gonna go to
paradise. I hope she takes me along. She has a much better
person than I am. But the thing is that we wanted that both of us go
to paradise. And for that we need to make a bit of an effort and
inshallah if we can do our normal prayers, but also wake up at night
when others are sleeping. tahajjud time is so special. You know why?
It says that that is also the time that if you see a dream at that
time, it's the most truthful dream. The reason is that it's
just before Fajr time. It is the time when the evil people who
spend their nights doing evil have finally gone to sleep. Right
because people who are in nightclubs and doing weird things
until maybe two o'clock, maybe three o'clock. But at four o'clock
they're gone. And the Mischief Makers of the day are not awake
yet. It's the purest time, the 100 time before veterans the purest
time because the evil doers of night have gone to sleep and the
evil doers of the day are not yet awake. So we ask Allah subhanaw
taala to help us in all of these teas, and as I said, these teas
are not from the Sunnah, but each of the points that are mentioned
in there are from the Sunnah. So I'll just quickly say the first
tea was for Taqwa. Second was for trust. Third one of her tongue
for foreigners or time giving time, then it was for tea to have
meals together. And then it was for tolerance, taking care of
technology, troublemakers keeping them out. And finally tahajjud
getting rid of temper sorry and then coming together for the sake
of Allah with with with inshallah Tahajjud prayer, we ask Allah
subhanaw taala to bless this marriage, make it one have great
relationship and love and understanding and affection and
bring the two families together allow this family unit to have
some great inshallah children and progeny until the day of judgment
and allow them to come together and accept. We ask Allah to accept
them for the service of his Deen. They don't know how but Allah will
inshallah give them that opportunity and all the others who
are married here, Allah improve, increase and enhance our marriages
and those who are not married. May Allah grant them pious and
suitable partners Jazak Allah Hi, Ron, welcome Dhawan and hamdu
Lillahi Rabbil Alameen.