Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Straight Forward Insights into Upbringing of Children (Tarbiyah)
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Rahim Al hamdu lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala sayyidina, Muhammad
wa ala Alihi, wa Sahbihi, Marina and my birth.
One very good idea is to set values for your for our families.
And we do it in a way that we show and it's really, really beneficial
if you do that. And we need to frame it in a way that this is our
value.
Right? mongers don't do this, a swats don't do this.
Right. They say is don't do this. Hans, don't do this. Whatever your
family is, hopefully, you've got a family name, and you haven't lost
it. All right. But the reason is, what you're doing there is you're
making it a bigger idea, then you don't do it.
Because then it's just like you're leaving it to them to make that
judgment, do I do I not want to do it, we need to bring back this
idea of community and family. So they need to become part of a
family. And they need to represent the family we're living in, I
spoke about some of this last night as well in the other days.
So
set values for our family. And it gives them a sense of pride in
that, that we don't do this kind of stuff. So they'll understand
that there's a whole family behind them. And they can't let their
family down and the family is there to support them. Right?
That's very, very important. It just creates a bigger idea in
their mind than just them individually, reducing it down to
only what they want. Nothing we want to tell children, not in a
way that we make them, boastful and pump them up to a level where
they think they are invincible, and so on. But you are
exceptional. And we're not doing this in a fake way. Just saying,
oh, fascinating, that is so wonderful for everything, even if
there's a bit silly, right? That they learn eventually that you
just praise overpraising all the time. So they want to take your
praise seriously, you are exceptional, in the sense that
every child is exceptional. Again, going back to what we discussed
last night, for those who were there, we said that every single
child and human being is brought is created by Allah with a set of
qualities,
and a set of weaknesses and challenges. The successful ones
are the ones who understand the qualities and capabilities and
they start using them in the right way. And they also understand
their weaknesses and understand how to control them, channel them,
correct them.
So very, very important. You can have a kid who is very smart
quality, but then they could be very stingy or get angry quickly.
Also, just because you have a quality, a professor has a quality
of being very sharp, but a really good meaning good means
a very smart criminal is also smart, they got the same IQ, they
have the capability of using the brain, but one has used it for the
wrong and the right. So we have to help our children understand what
their qualities are, and acknowledge them, identify them
and let them understand mashallah Allah has given her make a dua
that you can actually use this to, to help people in the future.
So you're already connecting their capability with
a higher motive. We need to really stop telling our children you need
to be a doctor.
You need to be an engineer, or you need to be a good businessman.
You wait, we still make them that but you need to really help a lot
of people and you're gonna do that through studying medicine.
So studying medicine, then doesn't become the end all. It's just part
of the higher goal of assisting people and making the world a
better place.
So they'll have more going for them for that they'll still become
a doctor and a good doctor because they got a higher place a less,
it's a it's not a selfish motive anymore. It's more of a selfless
motive, they'll still make money, they'll still make this, the
another whatever it may be. So we just need higher motivation for
them. So make them what you want to make them but make it for a
higher motive.
It's all about framing, it's all about us also having the ambition.
If we don't have that we can't ever tell that. We can't just hope
for somebody tell them that one day and for them to change. We're
gonna have to tell them that. So tell children, you are exceptional
on the things they are exceptional and not just for anything.
Each child is in their own way. And if we can't figure out how our
child is, how do we expect them to find out?
Parents know their children better than anybody else.
So, then what you can do, what you can build from there
is
If we can figure that out, the purpose of that is then to say to
your child, you're not like everybody else.
You are special.
Not in an arrogant way, but you can't go down to that level. It's
easier. Have my friends do it? Why can I do it? Everybody? Does it?
Why can I do it? If we've taught our children self dignity, self
honor, and exceptionalism of you know, I want to do greater things
in the world, then you then it's easy to say, look, if that's what
you want to achieve, then you can't do all of that. That's all
losers. Right? It's easier to distinguish from bad if you do
that, but not in a net, you have to be very good and don't become
arrogant and start looking down on others. In that sense,
Charla there is a book that we're working on, we've been working for
a few years, actually, it's been ready. It's just in Sharla. It's
nearly there now called the etiquette of brotherhood etiquette
of companionship by Imam SHA, Ronnie. And he deals with some
really, really, you know, cases of how to deal with with others. It's
a book of amazing o'clock and other and he gives lots of great
ideas in there of how to stay away from evil, but not diminished the
level of people how to deal with challenging situations,
conflicting pressures, and tensions. We have to teach our
children to be savvy enough nexpoint savvy enough not to be
manipulated.
They can't be so gullible and so mollycoddled that they just trust
everybody and expect others to do everything for them.
So then they get manipulated, because there's a lot of
manipulation in the world, adults get manipulated to voting for
certain parties, certain, in fact, taking on certain ideology
ideologies, and they don't even know why they take on the
ideology. We're just lucky that we have what that we're connected to
Allah Ma and the deen that we're getting this constant mashallah
input from the religion and spirituality Otherwise, we'd just
be another point in this world of being led by mostly capitalists
who, who, who literally drive, drive the politicians now as well.
It's no longer popular opinion, popular opinion, is created by
people who want to make a lot of money become big influences, you
know, while remaining in the shadows, and they manipulate using
various different social media, in drug indoctrination techniques,
and now you have, you know, the various different AI, facilities
available, and so on. So, it's a good job, we have Islam,
otherwise, we'd just be like everybody else, except the few who
gets saved. Because they have an independent mind, they can see
through it, majority of people aren't like that. So we have to
allow, we have to go on,
give that kind of equip our children not to be manipulated.
The other thing I might as well say here is that we don't let the
children manipulate us. We have to be received through that. And it's
completely fine to let them manipulate us sometimes to feel
that they've got to win over you. For something innocent, it's
completely fine, let them have that.
But you can't always be manipulated. He can't be that
gullible.
So it works both ways.
You have to remember that our children can't be so pampered that
they don't have any difficulty whatsoever. That if they read if
they get if they're confronted with some kind of small difficulty
that you will cry, and, you know, even if you feel like crying,
children who have not been raised with some kind of some amount of
troubles at all, you know, no, no trouble at all.
But rather, just with a phone in their hands, and they get what
they want.
Right? How are they going to survive in the world.
If you have youth who have a phone in their hand, and they're
basically addicted to *, and how they're going to get anything
in this world,
some kind of trouble is important. Difficulty to go through that
difficulty is very, very important. So that you can learn
because the world is not always a very easy place to be. Okay,
another scenario
that I came first in exams.
How what should your reaction be to that?
Well, you could have multiple reactions. It could be like, okay,
in your if you came first in the exam, what percentage did you get
got 90 on that? So you should have got 99 should have got 100. So you
could do that as well. But you can do that as long as you give your
congratulate them first.
Another one would be on what's the big deal? I mean, you're supposed
to come first anyway.
So there's multiple reactions you can give
One thing you can too, you know, establish this idea of a certain
dignity for your own family and for your own Muslim fraternity.
I came first an exam, well, obviously, you're a Muslim, and
then give them the praise. Going on to a few. Again, this might
sound completely random, but I think it's just talking points,
because then I'd like to just take your questions. Don't ever don't
ever allow the children and yourselves to ever joke about
others having a disease.
Even as a joke, they hear about a disease or somebody's not. And
then they playfully say, Oh, you're gonna get that easy,
because we believe in a moment of acceptance. And we just don't say
bad things like that from our turn. So that's a very bad idea to
even pray or not pray, but
consider that somebody else is in a bad state, because that's bad.
That's not part of our luck. It could be a moment of a job, which
means acceptance. And we don't want such to us to be accepted.
And then after that, sometimes it might happen and then it might
blame them for the rest of their life you prayed against me
hamdulillah we're no longer in that kind of suspicious,
superstitious mode anymore. But in the villages, that's, that's the
way they'll just blame you for leaving the chapel upside down.
And something bad happened because of that, because they don't just
have too much education. So they just hang on to these few ideas.
If you leave the chapel upside down, doesn't get us over
something.
I mean, I don't like to because it's just not decorum me just I'll
always straighten out just because I don't like it.
Even if I'm in a hurry, and I'm typing something, I'll make sure
that, you know, the punctuation is proper, there's no spaces, I just
don't like it. Even though nobody else is gonna see it. Just you
know, you have your own attitude about certain things, which is
fine to have.
So jokes are fine, they can joke about with one another, but the
children to have safe and healthy humor.
Safe and Healthy humor is very important. Dignified humor,
honorable humor. Right? Now, if you're a perfectionist as a parent
is going to be a bit more difficult for you because you want
your children to reach perfection, but they might be naturally
sloppy. It's very tough to come to terms, I wanted my child to be
better than me. Or like me, and they're sloppy man. And then you
start telling them you're good for nothing and you're sloppy, that's
very, very wrong. Allah creates everybody with it, and you just
have to come to terms with it that look, he's not going to be as
punctual as I am. It's just in their nature he wants to be but he
can't be. We do our best to help them out in that. But
personalities are different. Some people are just punctual by nature
Hamdulillah, one of the brothers in London who has been helping
with our zum zum Academy, and he literally takes me around and
videos and everything. For the last over 10 years, he has never
been late.
I will come out of the house five minutes late, up to five minutes,
no more than that. But he's still always there five minutes before
the time.
So we'll come outside and say I'm outside five minutes before he
knows I'm going to come out at least one or two minutes after
meaning at least it's three o'clock, he'll come at five to
three. Even though he knows I'll probably come out at three or one,
three or two, maximum three or five. We don't ever delay beyond
that. But he'll always be five minutes before it's just in his
nature. He can't help it can't help it. Some people are just like
that. And some people are just late by and they struggle, because
you'd rather be early than late.
So we have to get our children to learn that they can't
procrastinate. They can't do things on the last minute.
And we have to sit them and explain to them and say look, just
this week, do it this way and see how you feel.
Because they just know what to do because they're missing out on the
games and everything they can do like homework for the weekend. So
one day, you say, Look, this week, we're going to try differently.
Just play along with me. Go and sit on Saturday morning and do
your homework, get it done, I'll be supervising, I'll be with you.
And then you'll just see how you feel. Let's just test it out. And
then get them to do it for that weekend. They'll just feel the
benefits. Because sometimes you don't know until you see the
benefits and then you see how aggravating it is the next week
when you try to go back to the same thing. So sometimes you just
have to help them to do it differently by convincing them
incentivizing it to do it differently. Rather than keep that
do your homework, do your homework, pre planet. say look,
this is the way we're going to do it today. Now they'll only listen
to you if they see you as a considerate person who does listen
and who does try to find practice. If they can get trust on us to be
practical solution providers then they'll accept and play along with
us, even if they're suspicious of us. But if we're seen as never
practical solution, right, just shelters and consumers, then they
got nothing to look forward to. Because that
our profile in their mind is that
But yeah, again, if you're if we're perfectionist, then we have
to be very careful because and we have to realize that they might
not be able to be a perfectionist.
You need other strategies, then to get to come to get them to comply
is very, very frustrating. Why can I do a new conduit? That's a big
question that comes in mind.
All children are created differently. And you can't use the
same approach with all of them.
You know, there is this additional tuition that people give usually.
Right. So now, again, if you can work hard on the first one or two,
then the rest of them, they'll never have to go to another
tuition center again. Because the older ones, if they're doing
especially the same subject, they can easily choose to shun them
afterwards. So working hard on the first one is very, very, very
beneficial, they'll do 50%, or more of your job for you.
gets a bit more difficult for the younger ones, because didn't have
three parents are for parents.
So then we have to sit them down and say, the Hadith of the Prophet
sallallahu. Like, what right do you have? They will think that
what right do you have to tell me? You're just my older brother? I
have to say, No, you have to listen to them as your older
brother, he's your she's your older sister, they have an
authority over you have that many more years, you have to explain
these Indonesia's expect it to going to be happening, because
they're going to see themselves as the same, okay to have respect for
parents, because they're too far, you know, older than them. Now,
what we have to also understand is that many times, probably most
times this is a this is a very confusing question in the modern
world before, it was very clear, the father's role is very clear.
And the mother's role was very, very clear. But modern world has
changed at all. In fact, we have literally cases where the wife is
making a lot more money than the husband. And cases where the wife
is bringing the money and the husband is at home. It makes it
really really, really strange because that whole
hierarchy that's understood even from the Quran is very difficult
than to implement. Because originally Kawamata Anthony sibm,
after Allahu Allahu Allah, but Obama and Falco minimally him,
here, we might unfuckin I mean, I'm already hidden notes the other
way around, right? So there is the one God given responsibility. The
other one is because you spend on them, you're not spending on them,
so you messed it up, half off. So then you change half the diapers,
half the nappies, and so on. So many times, in a more traditional
setup anyway, it is the mother that takes care of most of the
direct focus on the children, the Father usually creates the
environment of the house, and is there as a, as a person to make
sure that it's all working fine. Right, and therefore the backup,
and therefore bringing the additional, you know, police force
in when it's required when the mother can't deal with it as such,
right. So, and that's fine, that's fine, right? The father does not
have to do 50% of the direct contact with the child. This is
not to give, you know, an Escape Card for the Get Out of Jail Free
card for the children. Sorry for the father. It's just to show that
that's fine. Because sometimes, the father may be feeling very bad
that I can't do 50% of the work, because how do you quantify this
work? How do you quantify the work that's needed, providing a very
specific, healthy environment, economically, and with the right
structures in place, and so on, that is valued as well. Clearly,
the mother mother's work is more valid than the father's from the
Sharia perspective. I mean, I'm not being a feminist here is from
the Sharia perspective that your mother, your mother, your mother
was three times, right, there could be multiple reasons for
that. And usually, because the mother does spend more time
starting off from carrying the embryo, right, going through
labor, and then feeding and all of that. I mean, there's no doubt
about that. And that's why Allah will probably hold them to a
different standard than men. And they allowed to progress in their
spirituality if they focus on it faster than men in many cases.
Many shakes have said that, we've seen women who are doing the
basics, they're fulfilling their obligations, and looking after
their children in an honest, genuine way, progress spiritually
faster than a young 2122 year old with a DSB in his hand and a
turban on his head. Because these are the rigors of life, this is
compassion for another creation of Allah subhanho wa Taala fulfilling
responsibility. So, there are there could be different aspects.
So each one needs to look at this not in the framework of modern
feminism and all of these kinds of misogyny ideas and things like
that to to create complications of life, but rather that they
Since the hitman, this is why there's the women are biologically
more predisposed
are basically formulated and created for more of that direct
contact we're talking about, that doesn't mean the father can be
absent completely. So the basic job is, what is the father's role,
his job is to see that all of the things that require the father's
input, specifically, the overall discipline and function of the
family. And the buck does stop with him as they say, which means
that if things aren't happening the right way, his job is to step
in, and get the facilities for that to happen. So he can't blame
it on the mother, he can work with the mother to make sure she's
doing the therapy that she does, and that she can do. But if
there's some shortcoming there, then he's going to have to provide
it, he can't beat the wife up for that, if that's all she can do, if
she doesn't have the capability to do it, for example, or the
training to do it, he will have to provide that training. That
doesn't mean that women who can get that training for themselves
don't do so if the husband doesn't say so. It's not a tit for tat
game. It's not about your responsive mites, we're both doing
what we have to do. And then he has to at least observe the
overall harmony of the family, along with provide providing the
income, sufficient income and not forcing the wife to work. Okay, I
think I've said this before, but be very careful about secluded
children, children who love isolation,
unless they mashallah doing doors all day long or something like
that, well, even then I'd probably be worried, you know,
to a certain degree, I'd be worried about that, as well, as
the most difficult children are the ones who don't reveal
anything, they internalize everything, because you don't know
what they're doing. You can't even help them. You just have to assume
things. So how do you figure out those children, teenagers,
especially at that age, you have to be extra vigilant, you have to
see who their friends are. And nowadays is much more difficult
because you can't physical friends, you don't know who the
online friends are. And I've had cases of at least three, at least
three that I can remember in the last one or two years of I think
between 15 and 70 years old, who have literally lost their faith
based on communication with somebody another country they've
never seen, but we've had that chat with them about the faith.
And well, you know, sometimes it's a woman, sometimes sometimes a
boy, sometimes a girl most years ago, and they've lost their faith,
because there was just not enough.
And it's, it's like, whose fault is it? She didn't reveal anything.
And it was too late. Because you don't see the change occur over
time, because it's just pan faced, you know, silence. And just grumps
of yes and no, it's just very difficult. So what do you do in
that case, you have to be extra vigilant about any kind of
changes, you have to get somebody else to talk to them that they
might trust more than you because clearly a breakdown of
relationships somewhere, an auntie a cousin, or someone that can
discuss with them, to find out what they're feeling like, maybe
if you can invite her if she has any friends, invite them over. And
then maybe when nobody's looking, have a chat with the friends how's
things going, and so on, you have to use some kind of strategy.
And to be honest, if that means that you check the messages once
in a while, there's nothing wrong with that as well. Because that
would be allowed based on that.
Right, based on the fact that you it's your concern.
And it's completely fine to have, for example, I know one case where
the son didn't didn't, their son did not have a mobile phone until
he was finally 16 and had to go to college. And he was further away.
But then it was regulated. So the phone would just work from certain
time to sometime it's just it would go off because of the
parents. So it's completely fine to do that. But then your child
better be somebody that relies on you, and can allow and tolerate
that structure and understand that it's for their own benefit. If
they're going to be very rebellious, there's not going to
work, they're gonna just go buy another phone, somehow they're
going to collect money, they're gonna buy another phone.
So it has to be there's no perfect way it has to be done in a way
that you've trained them enough to listen to you and say, Look, I'm
gonna have to save you from yourself. Just like I have to save
myself from myself because YouTube is too addictive. Right, and
social media is too addictive. So as you know, I know that that's
why I'm helping you out here. I wish there was somebody to do that
for me as well. You can even say that if you want to write. So
that's very, very important that the social media is going to be
one of our biggest challenges. It just
profoundly catalytic, you know, in a catalytic fashion. It just
increases the challenges of that teenagers. Because you are not the
only one who is having input is hundreds of people or machines or
whatever it is ideologies that are having an input into each other
because they're online.
So be very careful with secluded children, you have to find a way
to break through somehow, because otherwise, it'll be too late.
It'll be too late with others, you'll actually see a difference,
you can pick it up quickly. Okay? A child's mind. You know, law time
is flying. A child's mind is like a sponge. I don't have to say
that. Right? A sponge sucks and clean. The problem is that a
sponge can suck in clean and dirty water.
So depending on how we use it, so if by the teenagers, we haven't
taught them to sift through good and bad, then they're going to be
a sponge that sucks in both.
If we've trained them properly, then they can be more smarter
sponge, using a modern idea that okay, now I can't take that in. I
can only take this in, so they're more of a smartest punch. And we
have to worry about smarter sponges as opposed to just
standard sponges. We live in a smart world now. Right?
So a similar similarly a child's mind will suck in good and filthy
things, depending on how we do the therapy or the therapy is what
makes them smart. They know if they made a mistake, and they feel
regrets. And if they don't know, then they're just going to suck
everything in. Okay, the last few points before we open it up.
So what exactly you know, we, we talk about therapy,
which means nurture, training, bringing them up in the correct
way that's called therapy yet right? Now, we that's what we've
been speaking about therapy, right, however,
that we can say that if you want to reduce their beer down to maybe
five points
if you want to reduce their beer down to five points, this tarbiyah
and then in Arabic that's called rehire, which means a general
oversight and focus and caretaking. So therapy is rearing,
nurturing, training. And rehire is considered to be where your
supervising well, because you've already done the training. So they
should continue on that supervision. Because, you know,
you could still have pitfalls in life, we still make mistakes. So
for tarbiyah, we say that we want to reduce it down to five, there's
more than that, but so use that number one, is we're trying to
create satisfaction, and content satisfied and contented human
beings.
With the decree of Allah with what the world gives you, and not be
you know, that saves us from being greedy and overly ambitious,
ambitious enough, but not overly ambitious. So I'm gonna add in
Arabic, Conner ad, which means contentment, satisfaction, with
what you have,
that, for that to happen, what needs to be taught Aqeedah because
without reliance on Allah, you can never be content, because your
content because you realize that Allah subhanho wa Taala we're
doing it for the sake of Allah, Allah is
the provider, Allah is the rewarder. And for every difficulty
Allah will give, and we don't want too much, because that corrupts
the soul. So you need aqidah. And
you obviously you need to understand life, you need to
understand the concepts of greed,
ambition,
limits, and and so on. So I'm just going to quickly do this briefly,
because we don't have time number two, after Connor out we need
though G hill at Mammoth
directing them in the correct direction, where their focus needs
to be correct.
So correcting the focus, you can call that this includes
especially how to deal with your time,
the age and the time and the units of time that you have been
provided, what are you going to use that in. So that's why it will
really help to understand what capabilities our children have, so
that you can get them into the right kind of fields of study of
training of business or whatever it may be. So that the time is
productive and used well.
Right so that they can become satisfied contented individuals
who are using their time well, and not wasting their time or if they
wasted they know they're wasting their time, they can do something
about it. Number three was
than me at will Mahabharat which means
giving them a skill set, giving them skills.
So it was being satisfied and content and trust thing in Allah
Reliance focused, not waste their time and now giving them skill set
to use for their life for this world and the hereafter. It's
called Mahara to make them skillful in something a skilled
In whatever it is,
that could be in terms of their physical state, and looking after
their health, etc. It could be, obviously, in terms of their
education, it could be the way they look at things, their
rational faculty, their spiritual faculty, all of this requires a
certain skill set management, all of this that we discuss looking
after your guests, meeting somebody conveying a message,
getting things done for yourself, all of that skill sets, multiple
skill sets, we just categorizing these things. So we have to make
them skilled,
not professional, necessarily definitely skilled to do multiple
things that are going to be needed in your life.
Number four,
cover adultery, the court has relationships have to deal with
relationships,
they have to understand how to deal with different relationships.
So who can you be, you know, who can be your friend?
What rights do you have over your friends what they have over you,
once you do have a friend, what kind of people to avoid, how to
deal with your how to have a relationship with your teacher,
how to have with your uncles and aunts and fulfill the objects,
sorry, the
the rights of kinship, and so on all of these things. So because of
the fact that I know, I was never told that you will be rewarded for
going to visit your uncle, or your auntie, I was never told you to be
rewarded. I was just told that it's we should do that. Because
it's cultural to do that. And you're seen as an outcast if you
don't do that. But I was never given an incentive, it was all
about what people are going to say or, and so on. Right. So what I
tell my children, we get a reward. So sometimes I've moved out of the
area that I was going where many of my relatives, if I go back
there and I'm on the way to I know one of my uncle's house in
between, I'll pop in for two minutes. And tell them I shouldn't
look, we've got so much reward for doing that as well. It's an
additional incentive. And just meeting relatives, it has its own
benefits anyway, it just feels good happiness in the longest ever
done study of 70 plus years in Harvard University, saying to find
out what happiness is and sorry, what gives you most happiness,
it's being good with your family.
And the province, I was actually mentioned Hadith that if you want
increase in the quality of your life, or increase in your life, be
good with your relatives. So we put a religious dimension to that.
And masala then, even if they if they if they don't want to do
color color all the time, they'll do it for the sake of getting an
extra reward, as long as we built in a system for them to to
appreciate reward, and to go for more reward. So these are all
kinds of interact, the interlocking ideas, okay, so that
was ala carte relationships.
La ilaha, Illa, la, la, la La, for example, if studied in October,
now they're 1617 year old and then you know, they meet the start from
before or, Here, take this as a gift for your teacher
who taught you when you were six years old?
That is gonna give you otherwise, do you care about your teacher who
taught you when you were seven, that one teacher taught you for
that one year between five and six, who taught you Amara Bella,
to most people care about them. They might just say, okay, you
know, whatever. But
so to appreciate them, you're appreciating the dean for that,
but we have this look, you go and do that. And then it just learn
organically, you just do things like that.
Okay, number five is FDR will call the word finding the right role
models. So we have to then literally highlight for them
certain role models, not by telling this is your role model,
but just talk about people that we want them to hear. So
talk about how great they are or whatever. So in their sight, in
their, in their mind, like somebody to look up to is very
important. If you want to do the job ourselves and don't give them
role models, but as tough if we give them role models that they
can actually listen to and follow. It makes our life easier because
we trust those older models to give them the right track and
everybody needs a role model. They'll find something to be a
role model. So we have to glorify certain role models for us.
That was FDR codeword as we call it.
So we can say that these five things will that was
contentment, satisfaction, right be a contented soul. Number two,
be focused and value your time. Number three, be skilled to do
multiple things.
I'm number four, manage your relationships, know where to have
a date, where not to have relationship and what to do with
these relationships, what they entail, how you're supposed to
reciprocate how you're supposed to initiate. And number five was role
models.
So there's lots of things underneath there, but at least we
can try to recognize for ourselves that have we taught our children
any of this. So there you go, I think we're going to have to stop
here.
There's already some pre some questions that already came in. So
let's deal with those. Quickly. First,
I'm having trouble with my 18 year old and his solid some days
Alhamdulillah, he is fine. But sometimes it can be so stubborn
and will make his solid color. This has affected his relationship
with his father and cause a lot of tension. So look, one is that I
can look at this retrospectively and say that, if I mean, I know
this is too late for that, but at least for the rest of us that
we can't emphasize Salaat after they become the team, maybe we can
but we need to do this from a young age where they understand
God consciousness, taqwa and awareness of Allah, that we're
doing this for Allah rather than myself. That is the best way to
make them. Leukemia and a solid establishes of the prayer, because
then they're doing it for themselves not doing it for you.
We want to be as soon as possible, we want to stop our children doing
it for us. There has to start at a young age. Now, if they've already
read 18, and they're not doing it for us, maybe at least half or
whatever. They're not understanding their own reasons,
then we have to then maybe start the whole philosophy again as to
why Salaat is because we sometimes what happens is that people forget
why they're doing the maths, they just think it's important, okay, I
understand it anymore, but they don't really understand the
repercussions of it.
I had one kid in Madras, I was not from a very religious family and
kept missing Jumar because I don't think his parents considered it
very important. So one day I took for de la Ahmad. Right, this is an
America took for the llama and made him read the Hadith that are
warning you against missing prayer. And it's like coming from
Juma from the next week, right. So sometimes we, we can't just keep
telling them, we have to reinvigorate and revive the
knowledge of why they should pray, reconnect them to that. I don't
know if we've tried that that might be a way to go by. Right,
which is to tell them why we pray. So give them a resource. Let them
read it for themselves. Let somebody explain to them find a
ban on the importance of prayer so that they can make it personally
for themselves rather than for us. That is the first thing we need to
switch. Show them the benefits of the prayer. And number two,
really, really powerful is the durability and the makishima solid
the Roman theory of Europe and our Tocopilla massively powerful dua
of Allah make me
of the establishes of prayer, and from my progeny until the Day of
Judgment. All everybody's gonna come from me and Allah, if He
accepts that, that's our life, that's made. Okay. As
communication is incredibly important, as well as
transparency, if a parent has never had this with a child, how
can they begin to create this environment where the child can
come and talk to the parent about anything as trying to make the
environment overnight might be difficult, obviously, for sure. So
I think,
don't use a problem to start the discussion. Because then it's
going to be linked to problem, just start talking about them
random things about how they feel and revealing stuff about yourself
that you've never shared before. That shows that you're opening up
to them, because you're probably closed as well, I'm assuming it's
just an assumption. And that's why they might be closed, it might be
that so try to be transparent, try to be show your own weaknesses,
maybe, and show that look, I've made mistakes, and so on, but
don't connect it yet to any issue is just about developing a trust.
And once that can happen, then we start broaching the more difficult
subjects once that trust is created.
So then, should I trust them? I don't know. If you should trust
them about what? Like that's a very broad question. I can't
answer that question. I should I trust them? I mean, I don't know.
You know your child more than me. Right. So I don't know if you can
trust him or not. Right. That's too open ended. I can't answer
that question. However, discussing sexual * education routines. I
think we've been through that. Right. That is what I discussed
was all * education. Literally the proper one. Right? I think we
just missed out one or two points that you can't have read that kind
of relationship outside of marriage and and so on. So I think
that's what I missed out otherwise, mostly everything that
is what it is. It just they add a lot of other stuff to it, that
it's okay to do this, that and other.
Number two, how to deal with their mood swings and hormones. I think
I've covered that as I think I've covered a lot of this actually.
I just tell them that this will be natural, it's fine. It happens at
this time. Right? And we have to be more tolerant. And then tell
them look, you have to expect this.
In a culture where everything is challenged and parental authority
is undermined, how can we instill respect for parents? I think we
just have to talk about it from a younger age and make ourselves
respectable.
Because if we're not respect material, then we're going to make
the life is it more difficult for them to respect. And believe me, I
think children do want to respect them, and they will be phases
where they don't and they act very.
They act very independent, and so on. But I've seen even bad kids,
they want love from their parents, they want it and
they feeling so bad. There's, I've had calls from people who their
parents are violent, mean people, like just really downright ugly in
their approach to things where they're clearly favorable to
another brother or sister. They're very, very nasty, vulgar in their
approach. And she's like, I'm trying my best, but I just get,
you know, I just get so I said, Look, forget, you're not going to
change your parents just come to terms you're not going to change
them. Your job is just to have a thicker skin as possible. Just say
salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah and do as much as you can for them.
But don't expect anything in return, if you're expecting their
love is not going to come. Once you stop the expectation,
understand, that's what it is, then it's just easier
psychologically, to carry on. Sometimes it's just the case,
that's just how they are. And only a big calamity from Allah is going
to, or some big slow, who's going to sort them out, you can't sort
them out, but at least you know, where you stand. And you have to
stop comparing yourself with others. So these are some of the
things that we will have to we'll have to understand. So instill
respect for parents from a young age. We talk about that, but then
we have to show that we are.
We deserve that respect, because we're giving them you know, a side
of the deal. Right? We are, but we have to just show them that.
Without overtly showing it, they must learn to value that
mobile phone usage. I think I've spoken about that. Is it
appropriate to have a parenting control app on his I think so. 16
plus one, you can you can definitely have an app, especially
we bought them the phone, right? But then it just depends on how
your kid is not giving any ideas, it would just buy a new one.
Another one that you don't know about. So there is no, you know,
there's no 100% foolproof idea. But yeah, absolutely you can write
how late they should be allowed out? Where is the line that's up
to you.
That's up to you. There's no one line, it just depends on your
area. Right?
If you go to a place like Charlie, everything closes at like five
o'clock in the afternoon anyway, right? So and in London,
everything's open until you know, all night. So it just depends on
where you are. But I think just simply, if they're living under
your roof, you have a right to put any rule down that you want. So
after nine o'clock, you shouldn't be outside, they get older, okay,
after 10 o'clock, after 11 o'clock, whatever it is, it just
depends on how much you trust them. So I don't know what age
children you're talking about. So it depends on the age, it depends
on where they're going to be what they're going to be in, do know
what's going on who they're going to be with, and, and so on. For
example, let's just say that my 16 year old has started out in class,
and it's an it's an over 16 million class. So most of his
classmates are old, and they want to go for a meal every Friday
evening after their class, which is after nine o'clock. So he said
no, you can't go. You only 16. They're all, you know, adults,
they're 19 to 14.
But then once in a while, we'll let him go. You have to say, look,
you're different, you're younger than all of them. So you have to
give them some understanding is it's fine with that, and one once
in a while you let them go. So you have to use your own wisdom,
strategy, understanding of the scenario, there's no hard and fast
rule to this, of course, the rule can't ever be that you can just
stay out as long as you want. Until 12 o'clock at night,
especially with girls, it's going to be more strict than with boys.
And that's not discrimination against girls is that girls are
usually more vulnerable. They are taken advantage of much more than
boys. Right? So it's really as simple as that. But again, we're
gonna have to get our daughters to understand that that's why there
may be a different rule for you and your brother. Otherwise
they're gonna think that you're just being misogynist. Why can he
go hey, can I go out
that's another struggle in this life because of the whole you
know, feminism outside it's very it gets that gets a lot more
complicated. How to get kids active in charity work is go and
do it with them, take them along with you. And then I know somebody
who actually took his he does charity work in I think Tanzania,
Tanzania, Kenya, that area actually took his children and got
them involved in and when they see all the orphans that they're
benefiting
You can do that locally, you don't have to be in another country. But
when they see that every human being is going to feel good about
doing that, inshallah they'll pick it up as well. So get them
involved in some easy charity work in and inshallah they'll benefit
from that
how to deal with mental health to figure out what when things are
becoming too much for them? I don't I mean, that's something
you'll probably have to talk more to a psychiatrist or a therapist
or Muslim therapist for that. I mean, in general, like, if you're
worried about certain things, and you can't find an answer, then
don't feel embarrassed about getting help from somebody. Don't
feel embarrassed about getting help from somebody.
How to be a parent as well, as a friend for your child, I don't
understand how you be a friend to your child. That's an idea. And a
lot of people are confused about this. Do you have children?
Are you a friend to your child? What about you? Are you a friend?
Do you see yourself as a friend? Or are you just a really cool
parent? Do you know what I'm saying? I don't understand this
idea.
A parent is a parent, what do you mean a child a friend? When When
does when the person said Anna Saudi cook? Like I'm your friend?
When did he say that? I understand the sentiment behind it. I think
you just have to be a good parent, you're always the parent, but
you're cool enough to be able to get down to their level and play
with them. relate to them, you need to be relatable parent.
That's really important. So stop feeling bad that you're not you're
not a friend to your children. Be a good parent, because I think
this creates a conundrum in many people's mind. I can't be a
friend, my father was never my friend. How do I be a friend? You
understand it creates a big psychological dilemma in your
mind. So forget about being a friend just be a good, very
flexible, very adaptive, and really cool parents. So be a cool
parent instead.
That's what you are. You're a parent, man. Let's say you.
So yeah, forget the Friend, friend business. Right? Friends are like
if you're if you're my friend, you do something, I have to do it with
you and all that No, man, I'm a parent. But be a nice parent so
that they can relate to you. Maybe I'm wrong on this, but I can't see
any I understand the sentiment, but I can't really see it right.
And I think caused a lot of confusion in people's mind if
they're not friend and material to younger people. Because some
people just they can't be friends to younger people. They can be
friends to their level. And some people find even difficult to
find, you know, be a friend to anybody, like, you know, friend.
They just do think that they're good that they can have good
colleagues, but they're not into friendship, you know, where
they're more independent. So how do you be a friend? What does
friendship even mean? So I think it's just the wrong word. The
sentiment is correct, no.
That's a difficult one, children who are very gullible, and who
will just do things. So I think we just have to do our best to kind
of give them a sense of their own honor and dignity. You know, what
I was saying earlier, we don't do this kind of stuff, when they
realize that, that we don't do this kind of stuff that will
hopefully stick to their mind, in their mind. So say, Look, if
somebody is going to do it, you're gonna get in trouble. So we had a
kid who likes to mess around and show off a bit. So his friends
won't get in trouble. He will because he's the louder one. And
he just loses it. So I think it just takes it's not going to
correct overnight, you just have to keep talking to the nicey and
expressing Why do you have to get in trouble. Like, at least be
smart if you want to do something wrong? Like don't be so dumb, you
know, so don't mess around and show off at the same time. And I
can, okay, if you want to mess around, okay, you know, and you're
a child, you can mess around. So I think we need to set better
parameters as well. So you can't turn don't mess around at all.
Just think you can mess around but in the right time, like have fun
at you know at play time. But don't do it at somebody else's
expense. Don't let yourself get into trouble be more smart about
it. Not that you become more smart criminal, but in the in the sense
that you're trying to get an insha Allah over time, they will become
more mature sometimes just that phase. Remember, we're still
developing the children are still developing inshallah.
And don't expect
results overnight. It could take a year, maybe one half year, and
lots of Da because that's the secret ingredient that we have to
help in sha Allah.
Anger management is one way. I mean for the adult code and anger
management course. Right? That's simple. If it's child, then first
learn where the anger is coming from, is it because they're seeing
the way we react? I am an angry person this the way I react. So
he's doing the same thing. That's what he's learnt to. To do that
this is how I should react. Number one, number two, find what the
triggers are. Is there some frustration? Does the child feel
that you're favoring the brother more? Does the child feel that so
for example, is one child whenever you would get some ed or something
like that if the father would take it because it's going to lose the
money you know? So
The child gets getting really angry, like you'd steal all my
money, you spent all my money. So one day, the father finally
figured out what the issue is, he genuinely thinks that he's got no
money left, and you've spent all of his money. So he showed him a
spreadsheet or whatever it was, and said, Look, this is all your
money. I've been keeping it for you, since that day that stopped.
Because that was a that child had a strong sense of fairness and
injustice that was like, why are you doing that for? We think they
just understand, no, they should understand and so on. Right? I
remember once I got an ed, and for some reason, my own thought that I
don't need it or whatever, and she was gonna give it to somebody
else. I felt really, really oppressed.
Right? It's through this yellow toy, you know, that you press
those buttons, and it flicks up this kind of circle. And then
you're sort of, I don't know why she felt I didn't either. Is it
everything else was that one, she wanted to give something I was
like, that is so unjust, because I have a strong sense of, you know,
justice and an injustice. Right? So I felt really bad. So you can't
do things like that. You have to speak to your children.
And don't just expect them to understand especially if you are
doing injustice like that.
Allah forgive her love lesser. Right? So yeah, so we have to find
out the triggers of why they get angry. And then ultimately, I
think, if we can figure those out and give them the understanding
from the shadier depends on how old they are, and show their anger
doesn't work, then you become irrational you become you will do
things that you will regret later and get is a fire is from
Shaytaan. And we bring all of that discourse in the Jazak Allah here,
Allah bless you all, sorry, I couldn't answer any more questions
but a Time flew. And Allah bless all of our children and keep them
on the right track and keep make us wonderful parents As Salam
Alikum.
The point of a lecture is to encourage people to act to get
further an inspiration, and encouragement, persuasion. The
next step is to actually start learning seriously, to read books
to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of
Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become more aware
of what our Dean wants from us. And that's why we started Rayyan
courses, so that you can actually take organize lectures on demand
whenever you have free time, especially for example, the
Islamic essentials course that we have on there, the Islamic
essentials certificate, which you take 20 Short modules, and at the
end of that inshallah you will have gotten the basics of most of
the most important topics in Islam and you will feel a lot more
confident. You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue
to live, you know, to listen to lectures, but you need to have
this more sustained study as well as Accola here and Salam Alaikum
Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh