Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Some Common Problems in Marriage
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim.
So what I want to talk about now is
while it looks like 60% of the people here don't seem to be
married from the, but a good number is. And these things also
relate to people who are not married is what are the main
issues in marriage, we spoke about the first one which we spoke about
one of them, which is sexual frustration and sexual problems.
The second issue that generally comes up is communication
problems, which is probably even bigger than the sexual problems,
communication problems.
We communicate in a particular way, throughout our life, and the
people who are around us generally get to understand how we speak.
Some of us speak very aggressively. But people
understand that we are not aggressive by nature. But that's
just the way we've learned to speak. However, our spouse may not
think so. And they may take the wrong message. Sometimes there's a
miscommunication in terms of we're not able to clearly articulate
what we want.
So a lot of times, it's a miscommunication of I thought you
meant this. That's why I did this, or I thought you had said this.
That's why I did this. There's a lot of miscommunication. So that's
why what then happens, some people's personality is that if
something is irritating them, they don't say it. But they don't
patient either. So if your husband or wife is doing something, which
is irritating you, you don't say anything, but you keep getting
angry that he should know better. He shouldn't do it like this, why
should I? Why do I need to tell him, he should know more, he
should know better himself. So then what happens is, the anger
keeps getting built up, then one day, he'll do something small, and
then you will burst. And then you'll bring all of this. And he
said, like what's that got to do with this? Do you see what I'm
saying? That's why the best thing is that to do subpar, but if
something gets overwhelming ly problematic, and you can't deal
with it, then you have a conversation when you're calm,
that I don't want to have a conversation when it's when it's
heated. Or when I'm angry, let me have a conversation with you.
Like, if you don't mind, there's something I want to speak to you
make a nice cup of tea or coffee or nice cake, chocolate, whatever
somebody the partner likes, and have that and then I just want to
talk to you, when they see that the effort you're making, and then
the genuineness of your concern, Inshallah, they should, they
should be able to deal with it. So there's always ways to deal with
it.
The if you have children, you do not want to bring up issues in
your marriage in front of your children. Children are very
sensitive to these things. You always want to do it outside away
from the children do not ever do it in front of the children. Even
if it's about the children. One thing you never want to do is, you
know, I never want to get the children to pick sides. That,
Ahmed, don't you agree that your mom is like this,
you'd never want to do that you want to treat you teach your
children that when there is an issue that they should be
unbiased,
right? And they should say no, it's up to you guys, we leave it
to you. We can't say anything. So don't ever call up children into
doing that. Another thing is that if you're finding that your
husband and your spouse is between you that you're always
misunderstanding, or you always get blamed for misunderstanding, I
told you to buy this from the shop and you bought this, right? If you
do keep misunderstanding, then do what they call the
what you do is every time they they instructing you, or they're
telling you to do something like this, you repeat it after them in
your own words. You call it in some books, they call it
mirroring. It may look a bit weird. Sometimes, you know,
they've said, Can you do this for me, or I want you to do this for
me. And next time we do this, this is how I want you to do things.
Because you'll always get misunderstood because you always
misunderstand the way to start understanding one another is to
repeat what they've just said. Not in the same words not making fun
of it. But saying, okay, so what you're telling me to do is X, Y
and Zed. Is that what you mean? And they said yes, or no, no,
that's not what I mean. Okay, so please explain it to me again. And
then so you call it mirroring in the beginning is going to look a
bit weird. But the purpose is to build a better relationship and to
understand one another. So communication problems. I'm saying
all of this in brief, because we don't have time, communication
problems in a big issue. So sexual frustration, communication
problems, big issue number three money problems. They cause big
issues in marriage, money problems. And of course, in that
we've already discussed that for it's the husband's responsibility
to provide.
He's obviously going to do the work. He should not be stingy.
The one thing which is allowed in Islam is hint the wife of Abu
Sufyan or or the Allahu anhu, she came to the house really is very
stingy. Can I just take from his money? You said, Yes, you can,
that it was just build my roof, right? You know, whatever you
need, you can take, you can't take all of his savings, but you can
take enough to be able to live your life with, right. So that's
allowed. But the main thing is money problems to the husband
should not be so stingy that he makes them literally go through so
much difficulty to get money because it's his responsibility to
provide them a decent amount of clothing, a decent amount of food,
and a decent amount of shelter, which basically means that every
wife is due by Sharia, to a separate accommodation doesn't
have to be like totally separate, not just the bedroom separate, but
a bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.
Right where it is out of the interference. If you're living
with in laws, for example, even then she's do that, of course, if
she doesn't want that, or she you know, she's agreeing not to have
that, then it's fine. But otherwise, by religious
obligation, that is a responsibility. All right. That's
the reason, of course, for daughter in laws to make Hitler
and serve the father, the parent in laws is a huge reward. Right?
That's one way of getting closer to your husband as well. But if
they're abusing her, then she has the right to be separate. Okay.
Another problem with with where money problems come is that she is
asking for too much because she cannot manage her spending or her
needs her desires. She's got friends whose husbands are very
wealthy. So they're buying her Mercedes SUVs, and she doesn't
have a car. So now she feels bad that my husband can't provide it.
Now poor guy he's struggling, right, he doesn't have such a job.
So she starts comparing other husbands to her husband, this is
not a way to live in this world. Right? You got married here, money
should not basically comparing yourself with others, and your
husband with others should not be the reason for you to break up a
marriage like this and mess it up. You make dua to Allah for Baraka.
And hopefully in the future, you can do this. You can have, you
know, whatever salad and whatever you need, but otherwise to make
undue demands, because remember, your husband has to focus not just
on providing for now, but maybe provide a house, buy a house, and
obviously for the future, for the whole family, there has to invest
for the future as well. Sometimes you do have cases where the
husband is mismanaging his money, right? Sometimes you have the case
where the husband is more focused on his family, which is in another
country. So he makes the family here suffer where He sends all of
the excess and more than that income to his parents, whereas
they don't need that much. husband should be careful about not
neglecting because the other might have written that if you've got a
person, he's got parents, and he's got children, and he's only got
enough
wealth, money to either feed the children or either feed the
parents who who is his responsibility towards father and
mother or children. First,
children is first. Right? This is obviously, most people aren't
going to be in such a straight. But this is a very technical
question. You've just got enough that you can either feed your
children or your parents, your children come first. Right?
Of course, that doesn't mean you neglect your parents completely in
other situations, and you don't neglect your children either
completely. This is how ideally husbands should be
then. So we spoke about communication problems, money
problems, problems with sexual intimacy. And lastly, we want to
dis there's so many other problems that could come about such as
infertility. The wife cannot have children.
That is a very tough one. The husband wants children and then
poor woman, not only her husband, sometimes the husband didn't say
much but the in laws, the extended family. They stopped blaming her
for it as though as though she can do something about it. Right. One
woman wrote to me, and I still is still terrifies me today. The
Haunting message that I got, she said she please please make dua
for me tomorrow or in two days. I'm due to give birth. And if I
don't have a son this time, I don't know what they're going to
do to me. She's just having daughters, daughters daughters, as
though
she is to blame. Like blame your son maybe because the chromosomes
come from both people. Don't blame anybody. You're blaming Allah
basically that's what you're doing. Instead of torturing the
this poor woman make dua to Allah subhanaw taala. Allah says yeah
Hubballi mania shadow in earthen way. Yeah, bulimia shad with the
cool. Oh,
oh yeah. So with the Quran or in other ways, I don't mean your
shadow Akima. Right, Allah will give you sons, he will give you
daughters or he will make you barren, you can't have children.
So pressure doesn't help. If somebody cannot have children
putting pressure on them doesn't help
the triangle hamdulillah let them you know, so, infertility is a big
issue I've mentioned in the book, I don't have time for it now but
various possible holistic cures for infertility. Right, holistic
cures for infertility, you want to try all of them? If that is the
case, you have and make a lot of dua to Allah subhanaw taala. And
then of course, domestic violence. Domestic violence is
is a no no.
Agender generally tell people that if you are being beaten by your
husband, right, if he's just gets angry just beats you should tell
the police. That's generally what I tell. I know, it's difficult to
do that. But otherwise, it carries on.
Unless you can give him some other Naseeha or whatever the case is,
and sought him out. Otherwise, it's a habit. One day
Alhamdulillah I've never in over 22 years never never, never, never
struck my wife. I've gotten angry, of course, I've struck other
people or beat other people up before. So it's not like I can't
do that. Right? You know, when you're in school, and that you
beat a few people up, you know, it's easy to do that.
But I've never struck my wife at all. Right? It's just not
something you do. The Prophet salallahu Salam, you know, a lot
of people use the ayah in the Quran. But when you look at the
Quran, it's, again, if you look at the tough seals of the iron, Imam
Razi is very clear, and he's writing at a time when there is no
feminism or whatever, he doesn't have to be apologetic. But if you
just look at the way he's in his Malfatti, will leave if you see
the coverage, it's amazing, is based on that this is an organized
structure, the first you give them Naseeha if that doesn't work, then
you stay away in the bed. Then the third option he talks about
striking, but then even in that he the way he discussed it now the
men who hit are not doing that, and the Prophet salallahu Salam,
and then he says Imam Shafi says what Turku have done, the while
the Quran, Allah is allowing you like opening a door basin,
abandoning hitting your superior.
To be honest, in most cases, especially in the West, if you
have to hit your wife, it's just gonna get worse. So the purpose
for which the Quran even allowed it, I'm saying is so that they
will get correct. But believe me in the West, you hit somebody,
it's gonna get worse. That means it's already too far gone. There's
no point of it. So many men who do hit and use the Quran as evidence
is totally incorrect the way they do it, totally incorrect. And even
when even our boss actually told her he's talking about a miss work
like a straw. sighs You know? But anyway, that's besides the point
the profit or loss, I'm said that those who do hit they're not the
best of your they're not the best of your men. Right? So I believe
that women should never be hit. You should use every other every
other case. But you should you should follow the Sunnah of the
Prophet sallallahu Sallam in that regard. A friend of mine, who got
married
sometime after me within like several months of the marriage, he
contacted me said, Sure, he said, You know, I hit my wife.
And I was like, how did you do that? Why'd you do it? Because
he's a decent guy. Right.
And I think since that day, he was so regretful, so horrified himself
that he did it. I think,
what the issue was, is that Hamdulillah I think, since then
he's never done it again. Right, as far as I know. But I think the
reason why he did it is because he saw somebody, he that's what he
was used to seeing, maybe in his own parents. A lot of the hitting
is a cultural thing.
And it's not just Muslims. I saw a documentary about Papua New New
Guinea and other parts of the world somewhere, non Muslims, they
beat their women, they said, that's the only way we get
anything done. And like the women are used to it. So it's like they
don't do anything until they get beaten or some weird culture is
really messed up. Right. That's why the culture of men hitting
needs to stop.
And believe me, even with children, people think the only
way to get anything to do with them is to hit them for hitting.
Once you get a child even used to hitting then you have to hit him
every time you really want him to get something done. There are so
many other measures you can use before them. And you can learn
that through disciplining procedures, you know, there's lots
of right thing written about that.
So
yeah, if you've seen your parents hits, and that's the way your
culture is, it doesn't mean you have to do that. There are lots of
other ways to sort out matters between you right
He said what we're trying to do is his marital issue, scholars have
to be very open about it. And very accessible about it. Because, as I
said, In the beginning, marriage is what makes up the society and
community. So we need to try to help and there's too many
problems, because there's a lot of Jehovah about marriage. So the
fact that you spent two days here, two sessions, two day sessions
here, may Allah subhanaw taala make this a source of
enlightenment. My mindset of coming all the way is and writing
the book is that marriages get enhanced, because a lot of
ignorances a lot of problems. I did not read any other marriage
book while I was writing mine, because I didn't want to just
regurgitate what's there. I wanted to write it from my teaching my
learning, mine and my experiences. To make it unique based on purely
experience. It's not a thick book. There's a bit of fit here and
there, but it's not a flipbook. And finally, I do need to mention
just in brief, the divorce if men, especially men, if you're thinking
of a divorce, right, that's fine. You can think about divorces. But
one divorce is more than enough.
Okay, if you need to give a divorce and you get angry, you
want to give a divorce. One clear divorce is will do the job. That's
enough of a bombshell. That's one grenade, right? It's done. Do not
throw three.
Because when you do salah, when you do three divorces, then you
cannot come together again. I know there are still a few fatwas out
there which say three is one ignore me as opinion and so on.
But that is against the overwhelming majority of the four
Imams, okay, according to four Imams you will be divorced and in
Zina if you if you meet again. Okay. So the best thing is to
restrict yourself that if you do need to give a divorce one is more
than enough. I get so many calls brother, I divorced three times, I
said, Why do you do three? I turn them off first. So I'm not very
learned as a Why do you do three? Then why didn't you do 10?
Where'd you get the magic number three from? Right, I go if you if
you if you go beyond the red light, are you gonna get penalized
or not?
Right, you're still gonna get penalized. So it's a point of no
return and then they have to do halala they have to marry somebody
else consuming the marriage then come back. It's just this long,
ugly procedure. So if you do want to divorce and you know, I would
suggest every man and woman should go and tell 10 men in their family
about this. Because they all think three it's necessary to do three
they say
that's where the confusion is. So you should enlighten people
everybody should go and tell 10 people, Ashura right, that one
divorce is sufficient.
Because there are so many families being getting messed up because of
this. Right? So anyway, and if you do want to divorce, then do it
nicely over a coffee.
Don't do it just like that. Okay, that's enough for me.