Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Really Want to Marry Him but Parents Opposed
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses the obstacles of women seeking married advice and the difficulty of finding the right person. They advise the caller to consider their father's situation and not give up on family members. The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding a partner who is emotionally attached to their father and not hesitate to ask for help. The speaker gives guidance on how to deal with emotions and suggests taking time to deal with them.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah
V.
Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi wa Salatu was Salam ALA. So you didn't want
Celine while early he will be here as you Marina and I want to just
cover something very important today, what it is that I'm getting
numerous emails, and I'm sure many of the scholars are getting that
from all around, you know, from all around, you've got this common
issue of women, and sometimes even men. I mean, it happens in both
these situations, you've got an individual who wants to get
married to a particular person, because they found them. And their
justification is that you know that, and they probably correct in
their justification, that it's because of the dean, they found
the person who they're happy with the dean and everything like that.
But there's a massive obstacle. And the obstacle is that their
parents don't agree with this person. Because either they've had
a family feud before. Or maybe he's from a different caste
system, maybe his not from the same social level, right?
Economical level, maybe he's not wealthy enough, or whatever the
case is, there's a hitch, there's an obstacle, and the parents don't
allow it. And it doesn't seem like they're going to change their
mind. So what should this young man or young woman should do,
right? In that case, see, obviously, in this case, both are
kind of equal. In this case, although the woman in this
situation is much more helpless, I would say, because
what the situation is, is that you want somebody you can't get them,
right, because you've got this major obstacle, you've got
affinity towards your parents, you don't want to lose them. So yes,
you've got that focus, you don't want to lose your parents. So now
in that kind of a situation, you've got good relationship with
your parents. But when it comes to this, they just don't want to
agree they don't see eye to eye, maybe it's your father who doesn't
agree your mom is kind of okay with it, or she's silent. Or it's
the other way around. Sometimes the mothers are wearing the shoes
in the house, and they don't agree with it. The father is kind of
just silent, he doesn't really mind, regardless of the situation,
what should you do. So I'm getting these emails, so many of them that
it's just such a commonly occurring problem. So the
solution, this is what I what I generally advise solution, and
that's why I want to speak about this today. So that inshallah it
can be helpful for for many of us out there. One is number one, you
must really think about this, you must do your istikhara to really
find out whether this person is correct for you or not. And
whether it's you know, you're getting any kind of divine
guidance on this. To tell the truth, many people will say, I've
already done this the heart I've even received those emails where
they're saying, I've already done this the hara, and I've seen good
dreams about him. And sometimes it's I've seen good dreams, but
he's seen bad dreams, or he's seen bad. He's seen good dreams. And
I've seen bad dreams, but I still feel emotionally attached. That's
a bit of a divergence. But what I want to say is that some people,
sometimes people have already done istikhara they've even done
mashallah with other, you know, with the sheikh, etc, etc. And
everybody's fine with it. But the Father is saying, No, the problem
here is that the Father is holding the card, you know, if you want to
use that, that metaphor, the father is the one who has the
reins in his hands here. Now, what should you do in this situation?
First and foremost, you must realize that dua is your most
powerful is your most powerful
assistance you have. So you get off the tahajjud. And you make dua
to see if, if if Allah subhanho wa Taala will change your father's
mind, at the end of the day, you may feel in all honesty, after
doing everything that you have that this person is the right
person. But Allah subhanaw taala may know differently, because
something can be absolutely perfect for you in front of you.
But you don't know what's going to happen later. Because people may
hide something may change something, or you may just be
incompatible. You don't know that, right? So you have to allow that
error, that side of error to be there, you don't let this sort of
absolute conviction and, you know, full confidence, pollute your
mind. Because you have to realize that we don't know a lot of
things. So that's first and foremost, you must realize that
however, if you're in all honesty, thinking this is the right person,
then do do ah tahajjud do us a very, very powerful, give some
sadaqa. Number two, you have a see if you can find somebody that has
some influence with your father or your mother, whoever the you know,
the whoever the person is saying no, and try to get them to
convince your father or mother to allow you to marry and see you
know, to show them the bright side of things. Now, if that doesn't
work, and you're doing that, but nothing is happening, and they're
still saying no, then then you must face up to the stark reality.
You've got two options. One option is that you just get married and
go, right. But I don't advise that option. Because that's not an
option that people can take. It's not advisable. It's not advisable
to be alone and forsake your family, especially in most of
these cases that people are saying, my father's my father is
not going to allow it except over his dead body so he's essentially
going to disown me. Now you don't want to become like that. Because
at the end of the day, you are going from
A situation where you're comfortable to a situation which
you think is going to be it uncomfortable, but you don't know
if that turns out to be bad. Where are you going to be, you're going
to be left out in the cold. So generally what I say now is that
once you've done your you've done your istikhara, you've prayed,
you've taken mashallah, you've done everything, and it's still
not happening. You need to give yourself a time, see prayer, you
never know when it's going to be accepted. Now, you know, your
prayer could be explained, expect accepted after 40 years, but are
you going to wait for 40 years to become old and then get married?
Unfortunately, there are some people who are like that, but a
majority of people don't think that way. So first and foremost,
you must give yourself a time limit, you know, I would say no
more than three months, okay, maximum five months or six months,
if you're not in a rush to get married, okay, maybe one year, but
I feel that it's torturous to have an engagement or to feel an
emotional attachment with somebody and not be married to them and be
waiting for a year. Because generally in those kinds of cases,
people commit Zina in the sense that they do haram things they
talk to keep the relationship going to keep it afresh and so on
and so forth, it's very detrimental, I wouldn't suggest
that at all, what I would say is give yourself three months, four
months, make loads of dua during that time, if you see things have
changed in your father's, you don't try to be politely kind to
your father, and you know, try to convince them or whatever the case
is, without being rude without being, you know, aggressive or
anything like that. If it works out Alhamdulillah, if it doesn't
work out, at the end of your deadline, forget it move on. And
you will realize that our minds are cheap, right? Our minds are
achieved. We feel so attached to something, we feel that's the best
thing in the world for us. And there's nothing better than that.
But when you actually disassociate your associate, associate
yourself, and kind of you can say, wean yourself off this emotional
attachment. And then you find something else, you would look
back and you would think, Wow, I can't believe I did that. Right,
you will find something actually better in most cases, because as
they say, there's a lot of fish in the sea, right, and you're just
like going off the one and you can't get it, give it up. I know,
that's a very difficult thing to do an easy thing to say. But I'm
saying this from experience, because we've seen cases where
people are waiting, what 234 years, and they're wasting their
time and is four years of misery chasing a shadow that they cannot
get, realize that and realize that Allah can give you happiness
elsewhere, especially if your parents are happy with you. I'm
all saying this up. I'm not talking to the parents here.
That's why I'm not telling them off. You might be thinking you're
just being one sided. I'm not being one sided, because I'm
giving guidance to the young boys and girls, young men and young
women who are in this dilemma. Because you have to be practical
about it, I can tell your parents of all I want, but that's not
going to help you if they're stubborn. So that's why I'm giving
you the guidance, if I'm telling your parents or I'll tell them if
I say you have to be reasonable, you can't just be stuck to this
caste system that it has to be married, that your daughter has to
be married to your brother's son, you know, I will tell them off in
a you know, in a separate, separate occasion. But right now,
that's not helpful for you. Because many of these parents are
extremely stubborn. They're just so held by culture, and they're so
swayed by it, that there is nothing that can change their mind
unless Allah subhanaw taala decides to change his mind. And
sometimes Allah doesn't want to do that, because he knows something
better for you. And you don't realize that so you must not try
to overrule Allah and complaint against Allah. And essentially, if
you just keep going after it after it, and you're not getting it,
you're wasting your time. Right? So you take take what I say in
context, and I'm saying it obviously, after seeing a lot of
these experiences, and it's, it's just so difficult for us and I'm
writing up the same answer over and over again, right, just you
know, with a slight tweak, that's why I'm dealing with this issue
here. And Inshallah, you know, you'll you'll find it much better
disassociating yourself emotionally, you have to ask Allah
for that, because that's a very difficult thing to do. But there's
another lecture we have on zum zum academy that deals with, you know,
dealing with your emotions, which is another issue, but this is just
very straightforward. Give yourself some time and do
everything you can during that time to, to, to ask Allah to
change the situation. And if it doesn't happen, then realize that
that's probably not what's best for you and just move on and find
something else and you will notice that insha Allah Allah will give
you satisfaction elsewhere. Well, I think that one will hamdulillah
have a Benard Amin
bla