Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Really Want to Marry Him but Parents Opposed

Bismillah

V.

Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi wa Salatu was Salam ALA. So you didn't want

Celine while early he will be here as you Marina and I want to just

cover something very important today, what it is that I'm getting

numerous emails, and I'm sure many of the scholars are getting that

from all around, you know, from all around, you've got this common

issue of women, and sometimes even men. I mean, it happens in both

these situations, you've got an individual who wants to get

married to a particular person, because they found them. And their

justification is that you know that, and they probably correct in

their justification, that it's because of the dean, they found

the person who they're happy with the dean and everything like that.

But there's a massive obstacle. And the obstacle is that their

parents don't agree with this person. Because either they've had

a family feud before. Or maybe he's from a different caste

system, maybe his not from the same social level, right?

Economical level, maybe he's not wealthy enough, or whatever the

case is, there's a hitch, there's an obstacle, and the parents don't

allow it. And it doesn't seem like they're going to change their

mind. So what should this young man or young woman should do,

right? In that case, see, obviously, in this case, both are

kind of equal. In this case, although the woman in this

situation is much more helpless, I would say, because

what the situation is, is that you want somebody you can't get them,

right, because you've got this major obstacle, you've got

affinity towards your parents, you don't want to lose them. So yes,

you've got that focus, you don't want to lose your parents. So now

in that kind of a situation, you've got good relationship with

your parents. But when it comes to this, they just don't want to

agree they don't see eye to eye, maybe it's your father who doesn't

agree your mom is kind of okay with it, or she's silent. Or it's

the other way around. Sometimes the mothers are wearing the shoes

in the house, and they don't agree with it. The father is kind of

just silent, he doesn't really mind, regardless of the situation,

what should you do. So I'm getting these emails, so many of them that

it's just such a commonly occurring problem. So the

solution, this is what I what I generally advise solution, and

that's why I want to speak about this today. So that inshallah it

can be helpful for for many of us out there. One is number one, you

must really think about this, you must do your istikhara to really

find out whether this person is correct for you or not. And

whether it's you know, you're getting any kind of divine

guidance on this. To tell the truth, many people will say, I've

already done this the heart I've even received those emails where

they're saying, I've already done this the hara, and I've seen good

dreams about him. And sometimes it's I've seen good dreams, but

he's seen bad dreams, or he's seen bad. He's seen good dreams. And

I've seen bad dreams, but I still feel emotionally attached. That's

a bit of a divergence. But what I want to say is that some people,

sometimes people have already done istikhara they've even done

mashallah with other, you know, with the sheikh, etc, etc. And

everybody's fine with it. But the Father is saying, No, the problem

here is that the Father is holding the card, you know, if you want to

use that, that metaphor, the father is the one who has the

reins in his hands here. Now, what should you do in this situation?

First and foremost, you must realize that dua is your most

powerful is your most powerful

assistance you have. So you get off the tahajjud. And you make dua

to see if, if if Allah subhanho wa Taala will change your father's

mind, at the end of the day, you may feel in all honesty, after

doing everything that you have that this person is the right

person. But Allah subhanaw taala may know differently, because

something can be absolutely perfect for you in front of you.

But you don't know what's going to happen later. Because people may

hide something may change something, or you may just be

incompatible. You don't know that, right? So you have to allow that

error, that side of error to be there, you don't let this sort of

absolute conviction and, you know, full confidence, pollute your

mind. Because you have to realize that we don't know a lot of

things. So that's first and foremost, you must realize that

however, if you're in all honesty, thinking this is the right person,

then do do ah tahajjud do us a very, very powerful, give some

sadaqa. Number two, you have a see if you can find somebody that has

some influence with your father or your mother, whoever the you know,

the whoever the person is saying no, and try to get them to

convince your father or mother to allow you to marry and see you

know, to show them the bright side of things. Now, if that doesn't

work, and you're doing that, but nothing is happening, and they're

still saying no, then then you must face up to the stark reality.

You've got two options. One option is that you just get married and

go, right. But I don't advise that option. Because that's not an

option that people can take. It's not advisable. It's not advisable

to be alone and forsake your family, especially in most of

these cases that people are saying, my father's my father is

not going to allow it except over his dead body so he's essentially

going to disown me. Now you don't want to become like that. Because

at the end of the day, you are going from

A situation where you're comfortable to a situation which

you think is going to be it uncomfortable, but you don't know

if that turns out to be bad. Where are you going to be, you're going

to be left out in the cold. So generally what I say now is that

once you've done your you've done your istikhara, you've prayed,

you've taken mashallah, you've done everything, and it's still

not happening. You need to give yourself a time, see prayer, you

never know when it's going to be accepted. Now, you know, your

prayer could be explained, expect accepted after 40 years, but are

you going to wait for 40 years to become old and then get married?

Unfortunately, there are some people who are like that, but a

majority of people don't think that way. So first and foremost,

you must give yourself a time limit, you know, I would say no

more than three months, okay, maximum five months or six months,

if you're not in a rush to get married, okay, maybe one year, but

I feel that it's torturous to have an engagement or to feel an

emotional attachment with somebody and not be married to them and be

waiting for a year. Because generally in those kinds of cases,

people commit Zina in the sense that they do haram things they

talk to keep the relationship going to keep it afresh and so on

and so forth, it's very detrimental, I wouldn't suggest

that at all, what I would say is give yourself three months, four

months, make loads of dua during that time, if you see things have

changed in your father's, you don't try to be politely kind to

your father, and you know, try to convince them or whatever the case

is, without being rude without being, you know, aggressive or

anything like that. If it works out Alhamdulillah, if it doesn't

work out, at the end of your deadline, forget it move on. And

you will realize that our minds are cheap, right? Our minds are

achieved. We feel so attached to something, we feel that's the best

thing in the world for us. And there's nothing better than that.

But when you actually disassociate your associate, associate

yourself, and kind of you can say, wean yourself off this emotional

attachment. And then you find something else, you would look

back and you would think, Wow, I can't believe I did that. Right,

you will find something actually better in most cases, because as

they say, there's a lot of fish in the sea, right, and you're just

like going off the one and you can't get it, give it up. I know,

that's a very difficult thing to do an easy thing to say. But I'm

saying this from experience, because we've seen cases where

people are waiting, what 234 years, and they're wasting their

time and is four years of misery chasing a shadow that they cannot

get, realize that and realize that Allah can give you happiness

elsewhere, especially if your parents are happy with you. I'm

all saying this up. I'm not talking to the parents here.

That's why I'm not telling them off. You might be thinking you're

just being one sided. I'm not being one sided, because I'm

giving guidance to the young boys and girls, young men and young

women who are in this dilemma. Because you have to be practical

about it, I can tell your parents of all I want, but that's not

going to help you if they're stubborn. So that's why I'm giving

you the guidance, if I'm telling your parents or I'll tell them if

I say you have to be reasonable, you can't just be stuck to this

caste system that it has to be married, that your daughter has to

be married to your brother's son, you know, I will tell them off in

a you know, in a separate, separate occasion. But right now,

that's not helpful for you. Because many of these parents are

extremely stubborn. They're just so held by culture, and they're so

swayed by it, that there is nothing that can change their mind

unless Allah subhanaw taala decides to change his mind. And

sometimes Allah doesn't want to do that, because he knows something

better for you. And you don't realize that so you must not try

to overrule Allah and complaint against Allah. And essentially, if

you just keep going after it after it, and you're not getting it,

you're wasting your time. Right? So you take take what I say in

context, and I'm saying it obviously, after seeing a lot of

these experiences, and it's, it's just so difficult for us and I'm

writing up the same answer over and over again, right, just you

know, with a slight tweak, that's why I'm dealing with this issue

here. And Inshallah, you know, you'll you'll find it much better

disassociating yourself emotionally, you have to ask Allah

for that, because that's a very difficult thing to do. But there's

another lecture we have on zum zum academy that deals with, you know,

dealing with your emotions, which is another issue, but this is just

very straightforward. Give yourself some time and do

everything you can during that time to, to, to ask Allah to

change the situation. And if it doesn't happen, then realize that

that's probably not what's best for you and just move on and find

something else and you will notice that insha Allah Allah will give

you satisfaction elsewhere. Well, I think that one will hamdulillah

have a Benard Amin

bla