Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Q&A How to Help a Partner Who is Addicted to Porn

			My husband looks at indecent
images online, my heart hurts my
		

			self esteem is broken, refuses to
get help. It's been nearly 10
		

			years. Okay, well, the short
answer to this is that what he's
		

			doing is completely wrong and
can't be justified in any way
		

			whatsoever. Okay? However, at this
point, I'm not speaking to your
		

			husband, I'm speaking to you. And
you are, you'd be surprised, but
		

			you are probably the best person
to be able to help him out. Okay?
		

			A lot of people who have this
issue, they're probably not going
		

			to be willing. Because they're
embarrassed about this, he's
		

			probably embarrassed. I mean, if
he has any virtue, and, you know,
		

			an attachment to his faith, he's
probably going to be guilty about
		

			this, he just can't help. It's a
bad addiction. And he's not
		

			willing to get help. You're the
one who can help him. But firstly,
		

			you need to overcome your own
		

			feeling of loss of self esteem. So
		

			when you speak to a lot of men,
the reason they do * is
		

			not necessarily at all because you
have a deficiency. A lot of women
		

			will feel this that unti enough,
why does he have to do this? This
		

			is a weird thing that
unfortunately, men do even if
		

			their wives are perfect, it's a
bad addiction. It's just extra
		

			what they do. Okay, you could have
been the best person that in terms
		

			of intimacy and something and he
could probably still do it, right,
		

			because it's just really out
there. And it's so easy, and so
		

			on. So firstly, it's not a, it's
not necessarily at all an affront
		

			to you, once you get over that,
then you become much stronger.
		

			Because if you're feeling like
you've got a deficiency, you're
		

			not in a position of power at all,
right? Because you feel guilty.
		

			Now, you feel like you need to do
something different. And that's
		

			very, very wrong sheet and will
could end up making you do a lot
		

			of evil things that way, and
you're not in a good position to
		

			negotiate and to help and assist
and be a good counselor. So
		

			firstly, remember that it's not an
affront to you unnecessarily, it's
		

			wrong, what he's doing was not an
affront to you. It's a personal
		

			problem, that is a personal
weakness issue. So you need to
		

			help him and support him and say,
why you're doing this, let's try
		

			to help you out. Right? And not
freak out all the time. Right?
		

			Because that's not going to be
helpful generally, because then
		

			he's just going to try to hide it
more. Right? You'd rather become
		

			his counselor in that sense. Okay.
May Allah subhanaw taala help.
		

			There are facilities online, I
think it's called purify my gaze
		

			or something like that. There's an
online kind, of
		

			course therapy course that you
could take as well. You try to
		

			with a lot of love and compassion,
try to get him out of that said,
		

			as we spoke about today, just
because of that evil act, don't
		

			start to hate the person, right,
hate the act, but you need to
		

			extract them and help them from
that, and you're in the best
		

			possible position. Because if you
love him, you know, you're going
		

			to be the one trying to help them
out and not divulge it to others
		

			for no reason. The point of a
lecture is to encourage people to
		

			act to get further an inspiration,
and encouragement, persuasion. The
		

			next step is to actually start
learning seriously, to read books
		

			to take on a subject of Islam and
to understand all the subjects of
		

			Islam at least at the basic level,
so that we can become more aware
		

			of what our Dean wants from us.
And that's why we started Rayyan
		

			courses, so that you can actually
take organize lectures on demand
		

			whenever you have free time,
especially for example, the
		

			Islamic essentials course that we
have on the Islamic essentials
		

			certificate, which you take 20
Short modules, and at the end of
		

			that inshallah you will have
gotten the basics of most of the
		

			most important topics in Islam and
you'll feel a lot more confident.
		

			You don't have to leave lectures
behind you can continue to live,
		

			you know, to listen to lectures,
but you need to have this more
		

			sustained study as well as local
law here in Santa Monica when I
		

			have to live record