Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Q&A How to Help a Partner Who is Addicted to Porn

My husband looks at indecent images online, my heart hurts my

self esteem is broken, refuses to get help. It's been nearly 10

years. Okay, well, the short answer to this is that what he's

doing is completely wrong and can't be justified in any way

whatsoever. Okay? However, at this point, I'm not speaking to your

husband, I'm speaking to you. And you are, you'd be surprised, but

you are probably the best person to be able to help him out. Okay?

A lot of people who have this issue, they're probably not going

to be willing. Because they're embarrassed about this, he's

probably embarrassed. I mean, if he has any virtue, and, you know,

an attachment to his faith, he's probably going to be guilty about

this, he just can't help. It's a bad addiction. And he's not

willing to get help. You're the one who can help him. But firstly,

you need to overcome your own

feeling of loss of self esteem. So

when you speak to a lot of men, the reason they do * is

not necessarily at all because you have a deficiency. A lot of women

will feel this that unti enough, why does he have to do this? This

is a weird thing that unfortunately, men do even if

their wives are perfect, it's a bad addiction. It's just extra

what they do. Okay, you could have been the best person that in terms

of intimacy and something and he could probably still do it, right,

because it's just really out there. And it's so easy, and so

on. So firstly, it's not a, it's not necessarily at all an affront

to you, once you get over that, then you become much stronger.

Because if you're feeling like you've got a deficiency, you're

not in a position of power at all, right? Because you feel guilty.

Now, you feel like you need to do something different. And that's

very, very wrong sheet and will could end up making you do a lot

of evil things that way, and you're not in a good position to

negotiate and to help and assist and be a good counselor. So

firstly, remember that it's not an affront to you unnecessarily, it's

wrong, what he's doing was not an affront to you. It's a personal

problem, that is a personal weakness issue. So you need to

help him and support him and say, why you're doing this, let's try

to help you out. Right? And not freak out all the time. Right?

Because that's not going to be helpful generally, because then

he's just going to try to hide it more. Right? You'd rather become

his counselor in that sense. Okay. May Allah subhanaw taala help.

There are facilities online, I think it's called purify my gaze

or something like that. There's an online kind, of

course therapy course that you could take as well. You try to

with a lot of love and compassion, try to get him out of that said,

as we spoke about today, just because of that evil act, don't

start to hate the person, right, hate the act, but you need to

extract them and help them from that, and you're in the best

possible position. Because if you love him, you know, you're going

to be the one trying to help them out and not divulge it to others

for no reason. The point of a lecture is to encourage people to

act to get further an inspiration, and encouragement, persuasion. The

next step is to actually start learning seriously, to read books

to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of

Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become more aware

of what our Dean wants from us. And that's why we started Rayyan

courses, so that you can actually take organize lectures on demand

whenever you have free time, especially for example, the

Islamic essentials course that we have on the Islamic essentials

certificate, which you take 20 Short modules, and at the end of

that inshallah you will have gotten the basics of most of the

most important topics in Islam and you'll feel a lot more confident.

You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue to live,

you know, to listen to lectures, but you need to have this more

sustained study as well as local law here in Santa Monica when I

have to live record