Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Q&A How to Help a Partner Who is Addicted to Porn
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My husband looks at indecent images online, my heart hurts my
self esteem is broken, refuses to get help. It's been nearly 10
years. Okay, well, the short answer to this is that what he's
doing is completely wrong and can't be justified in any way
whatsoever. Okay? However, at this point, I'm not speaking to your
husband, I'm speaking to you. And you are, you'd be surprised, but
you are probably the best person to be able to help him out. Okay?
A lot of people who have this issue, they're probably not going
to be willing. Because they're embarrassed about this, he's
probably embarrassed. I mean, if he has any virtue, and, you know,
an attachment to his faith, he's probably going to be guilty about
this, he just can't help. It's a bad addiction. And he's not
willing to get help. You're the one who can help him. But firstly,
you need to overcome your own
feeling of loss of self esteem. So
when you speak to a lot of men, the reason they do * is
not necessarily at all because you have a deficiency. A lot of women
will feel this that unti enough, why does he have to do this? This
is a weird thing that unfortunately, men do even if
their wives are perfect, it's a bad addiction. It's just extra
what they do. Okay, you could have been the best person that in terms
of intimacy and something and he could probably still do it, right,
because it's just really out there. And it's so easy, and so
on. So firstly, it's not a, it's not necessarily at all an affront
to you, once you get over that, then you become much stronger.
Because if you're feeling like you've got a deficiency, you're
not in a position of power at all, right? Because you feel guilty.
Now, you feel like you need to do something different. And that's
very, very wrong sheet and will could end up making you do a lot
of evil things that way, and you're not in a good position to
negotiate and to help and assist and be a good counselor. So
firstly, remember that it's not an affront to you unnecessarily, it's
wrong, what he's doing was not an affront to you. It's a personal
problem, that is a personal weakness issue. So you need to
help him and support him and say, why you're doing this, let's try
to help you out. Right? And not freak out all the time. Right?
Because that's not going to be helpful generally, because then
he's just going to try to hide it more. Right? You'd rather become
his counselor in that sense. Okay. May Allah subhanaw taala help.
There are facilities online, I think it's called purify my gaze
or something like that. There's an online kind, of
course therapy course that you could take as well. You try to
with a lot of love and compassion, try to get him out of that said,
as we spoke about today, just because of that evil act, don't
start to hate the person, right, hate the act, but you need to
extract them and help them from that, and you're in the best
possible position. Because if you love him, you know, you're going
to be the one trying to help them out and not divulge it to others
for no reason. The point of a lecture is to encourage people to
act to get further an inspiration, and encouragement, persuasion. The
next step is to actually start learning seriously, to read books
to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of
Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become more aware
of what our Dean wants from us. And that's why we started Rayyan
courses, so that you can actually take organize lectures on demand
whenever you have free time, especially for example, the
Islamic essentials course that we have on the Islamic essentials
certificate, which you take 20 Short modules, and at the end of
that inshallah you will have gotten the basics of most of the
most important topics in Islam and you'll feel a lot more confident.
You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue to live,
you know, to listen to lectures, but you need to have this more
sustained study as well as local law here in Santa Monica when I
have to live record