Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Practical Guidance on Anger Management and Marital Conflicts
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al Hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah Robben
Alameen wa salatu salam ala UD mursaleen while he was sabe Oba
Rocca wa seldom at the Sleeman Kathira on Eli AMI Dean Amma
Barrett call Allah with the baraka with Ariola Quran in Nigeria will
for cognate Hamid all Kells, Amin, Elisa, wallarah, Athena and in US
wala who your humble Martini.
There's a very interesting story that's related about one of our
pious predecessors.
Hussein or the Allahu anhu, the great sahabi,
once a servant of his, a female servant of his slave was carrying
some kind of hot soup in a bowl, probably bringing bringing in and
there was a mistake, some accident, and she dropped some on
him and it was skelding it was really, really hot. So it dropped
on him. And of course, it made him really agitated, it got him angry,
that this has happened, you know, somebody carelessly dropped
something on you. So immediately, I mean, she was very intelligent
and knowledgeable about the Quran. Immediately the verse she read,
while Calvary mean alive, those who drink their anger. That's the
literal translation those who curb their anger those who swallow
their anger. So immediately preceding that, the Allahu and
this is very important. He immediately swallowed his anger.
So he totally became calm. He became neutralized, as soon as she
said that, and then after that, she was very intelligent. She
said, What are Athena and in us, and those who forgive people. So
then he says, I forgive you. So when is he just calm down? But
then coming down and not doing something is different to them?
Forgiving, it doesn't mean you're forgiving someone if you just calm
down. Forgiving somebody is something else. It's a it's a
special interaction that takes place. So he says, Well, when she
said, Well, I feel I need us. He says, okay, I forgive you. And
then after that, she pushed it even further, she said, What law
who you're able Marcin?
Allah loves the doers of good. Allah subhanho wa Taala loves the
doers of good. So when he when she said Allah subhanho wa Taala loves
the doers of good. He says, Okay, I free you, I emancipate you, so
she became a free person. So I guess the point of this story is
that
we learn a few things. Number one, when the Quran is recited and when
the HUKUM of ALLAH the the Command of Allah, any guidance from Allah
subhanaw taala, is messenger is brought in front of us. The Sahaba
used to succumb immediately, they used to submit immediately, I
mean, you, if somebody burnt you, with something, scowling as hot
soup or something, clearly, you're gonna have a lot of agitation,
you're gonna be really, really angry, because you got pain as
well that you're dealing with, but immediately to calm down to
forgive. And then beyond that, to do this great act of benevolence,
which is to free her SubhanAllah.
So today, what we want to speak about quickly is just about how to
deal with anger. This is something that every one of us experiences
at some level or the other some, for some people, it's a bigger
challenge than for some other people. Certain people have a
bigger challenge than others do. So the first and foremost, what we
have to realize is that anger is a fatty faculty within us, which is
very important, because there's a lot of positive expressions and
aspects of it. If a person they say, if a person doesn't have
anger, then he's just like a donkey donkeys. That's why they're
donkeys because they're so mute. And they're just so non
reactionary. They just, you can do whatever you like to a donkey, and
he doesn't really respond in any way. And unlike a camel or a
horse, or some other animal. So, a person does want to become like a
donkey who never gets angry at all, or who doesn't even seem to
have the faculty of anger within them, it's very important to have
that faculty of anger within them.
Now, what happens with anger is that a person generally is gets
into a situation anger generally comes up when you're in in a fight
or flight situation. What that means is that, you know, you're
confronted with something, so then you have to fight back, or you're
expected to fight back or you feel like fighting back, or you feel
like taking flight from there basically leaving there because
you can't deal with it. Generally, that's the kind of situation in
which anger comes about. When when a person gets angry, their blood
pressure rises, and their sugar rises. So you know, their sugar
rises, the sugar level rises. And when you have a high sugar level,
that's a problem as well. So there's a sugar problem. There's a
blood pressure problem. And that's why a person
and is told to curb their anger and try not to get angry in the
first place. How I mean, how can you not get angry in the first
place? Well, this requires a lot of premeditation, it requires a
realization that I get very angry. It requires that realization that
things set me off too much that I get angry a lot, or I fly off the
handle too much, or I've got this problem. The first, the first step
of this is that a person has to realize that they've got this
problem and they have to sort it out. Then when you know that
you've got that problem, then you can take certain measures.
Firstly, let's understand that there are two manifestations of
anger. One is that a person is angry for themselves. But in
Islam, we have this other aspect which is to be angry for the sake
of Allah subhanaw taala. That is when an aspect of the deen is
contravened. And you get angry, of course, there's ways of expressing
that anger. A person who thinks they're really pious and really
strong on their religion and they get angry because there's a
violation of the dean of the religion. That doesn't mean they
can get angry. But that doesn't mean that they can express their
anger in violent ways. Because there's a way of expressing one's
anger, which is a separate thing to being angry for the sake of the
deen, then there's a way of with wisdom of how to express that
anger, and to make tarbiyah or to make Islam or nurture the person
and so on. So, anger for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala is
allowed. But one must realize that just because it's allowed, you
can't vent it in any way you want. Because once a person is angry,
then they lose control of their senses, then, basically, they
could do things then they may commit to haram. So they may have
started off for the right reason. But then it ends up being sinful,
and it ends up being wrong and detrimental for one's own self,
and for them sometimes for the entire community, or even the
Muslim ummah, for that sake. So one has to be very careful. So
yes, there is a level of anger, that is for the sake of Allah
subhanho wa taala. And of course, there's a level that is a more
selfish anger, the Sahaba had tuned it very well, the Sahaba if
you look at their lives and their expression of anger, whenever it
was for the deen, they knew how to deal with it. And when it was for
themselves, then they would curb it. And this was the case with
Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi. Salam very clearly, that that was
the case with him as well. And you have numerous incidents like that,
that you generally you know, we generally hear, so I don't want to
repeat those. The fact that you have to have anger, if you've got
a husband and wife, for them to have any self dignity, positive
jealousy, respect for one another, a true Islamic understanding and
feelings for each other, then they're going to have to have a
level of this anger inside, to be able to defend one another and to
value one another and honor one another. Otherwise, if none of
them have that faculty, then it would actually lead to a form of
cowardice, it would actually lead to a form of shamelessness rather,
so what happens is that a person doesn't care what his wife is
doing a wife doesn't care what a husband doing that, you know, it's
kind of this relationship that have a hobby that will hobby thena
will hobby thrown in the hobby that that, you know, basically,
the unchaste men are for the unchaste women and vice versa.
Because they, they they'd rather have it that way that they have no
jealousy at all, as to what their husband wives are doing. And
whether they're going against the aspects of or demands of shyness
or bashfulness are higher in Islam.
Generally a person is will have four states or every person will
be of one of four states when it comes to anger. They say I mean
Arabic it's city, hot city or city Rizal body will have body
reserved, and then a mixture of both of them. So you get four
different logical possibilities. What that means is that there's
some people get angry very quickly, so they're constantly
always angry, but then they come down very fast as well. That's
obviously not a very praiseworthy situation because it constantly
angry, but then they get calm easily as well. So that's a good
part, but the first part is bad, then you've got somebody who gets
angry, you know, very delayed since in a very deleted so don't
get angry at all, you know very seldomly do they get angry, by the
time they do get angry, then it takes them, you know, sometimes
months to calm down. That's, of course, very good to start with,
but then it becomes very non positive and detrimental negative
afterwards, then you've got a person who gets angry,
quickly, frequently, and then body Ozawa which means that it takes a
very long time to get better. And to calm down. That's of course,
the worst of the four types, because they're going to be
constantly angry. In fact, they will have anger over anger over
anger because there'll be angry, and there'll be seething from that
and then something else will make them even more angry than they
will be seething from that so they will add to the problem and the
blood pressure etc. And then they'll get angry again over
something else because they just keep flying off the handle. So
these people are those who get angry frequently and fast and very
slow to calm down. That's the worst of the four
her four types. And the fourth type is probably the best type,
which is that a person doesn't get angry very frequently at all. So
that it takes a lot to get them angry. And then when they do get
angry, they can calm down very easily as well this the best of
the four types. So, anger is definitely needed, because it
governs many positive faculties within us that of dignity of, of
valor of, of bravery, of honor, etc, etc. But at the same time, it
needs to be very, very, it needs to be very, very controlled,
controlled very carefully. Otherwise, it will cause massive
detrimental, both health problems and social problems, spiritual
problems, it's a really, really detrimental aspect.
How do you deal with somebody who's angry, the best way to deal
with somebody who's angry is to generally ignore them, like you
would ignore a drunkard. And the reason for that is very clear,
when a person is angry, they are as though they are intoxicated,
they're drunk, when a person is drunk, and they saying crazy
things to you, if you provoke them more, if you respond to them more
than that's exactly what they want, that's what they will feed
on. That is how they will respond to you. And so they'll only become
more aggravating. So when a person is angry, it's in that kind of
situation, when a person is angry, they want even, you know, they
want somebody to provoke them more they want to take you on, they
want to you to respond to them like that. So unless you have some
kind of authority of a such person, you can, you know, like
calm them down or pressure them to calm down, then that's a different
situation. Otherwise, if it's just another person like that, then
just avoid them as you would a drunkard or in toxic, that's the
best generally the best policy, sometimes that will get them angry
more, because what some people want, they feel some angry people,
if you don't give them a response, if you don't dignify them with a
response, essentially, then they get even more angry. But
eventually they will have to calm down. If you keep ignoring them.
That's that's, you know, that's a tested formula. Initially, they
will, it will make them even more angry that you're not even
responding to them. Right. I've had cases where, you know, there's
a couple that will come. And they will say that when I get angry, he
just stays totally quiet. And that gets me even more angry, right.
So it gets them more angry. But then eventually they come down
because people do calm down eventually. Anger. There's many
reasons why anger will be brought on. And you know, I'm just
throwing out a lot of points today so that we can think about these
things very carefully for ourselves to see how we can
inshallah improve. So anger has many, many different ways that is
brought on one of the one of the main ways that anger is brought on
is through jealousy, when somebody has something or somebody is
trying to take something of yours, or somebody's taking something
that you think should be yours, or you should also have it. So
different forms of jealousy, whether that's, you know, whatever
type of jealousy it is, it could be mostly it's going to be
negative envy, negative jealousy, where it's because you're jealous
of someone, but then in the positive aspect, which is that a
husband is jealously guarding over his wife, a wife is jealously
guarding over her husband, in a sense from, you know, possible
haram relationships. So in that case, there's a positive aspect of
that, again, to feel that positive aspect is praiseworthy. But the
way you deal with it is where you have to be careful because that
could become blameworthy in the way you deal with it. Some for
some people, it leads to paranoia, it leads to accusations, it leads
to massive suspend, you know, suspicion, it leads to big
quarrels and fights and out of nothing sometimes, because the
jealousy is just out of sync, the jealousy is just beyond the limit.
So there's many reasons that you have to understand it. However,
most of the time, anger is brought on about with normal jealousy, you
want something somebody else has somebody's got something that you
think you should also have, why do they have it a new dress a new
car, new business and new, you know, getting married to someone
that you you know, that you that is not that is better than, you
know, what you have, et cetera, et cetera, all of these things. The
positive aspect, for example, like, a woman is sitting at home
waiting for her husband to come home, he's out with his friends,
he's gone out, etc, and he doesn't come home. Now, obviously, there's
a sense of jealousy there, because he's out with someone else, you're
jealous of those people that but you have the right to be jealous.
In this case, however, it's the way you deal with it, that's going
to be most important here. So you have the right to be jealous, in
that case, jealous in a positive sense here that you know, you want
to guard, Your Honor. You want you know, somebody for yourself, of
course, you know, wives can't be positive, so possessive, that they
don't allow their husbands to go at all and they act like mothers
to you know, the young children or something and they control
everything that they do and, you know, make it seem like, you know,
you have to get a visa from the, you know, from the Israeli embassy
or something like that, you know, it shouldn't become like that
either. It should be you know, that there needs to be a
relationship there. But at the same time the wife does have if a
husband is constantly coming home late. Absolutely. The wife has the
right to
Be jealous, and that is going to make her angry. But how you're
going to deal with that anger is, is what's most important. That's
what we have to learn.
Other things that bring on anger is intoxications. People who
aren't drugs are going to be generally angry, because they are
volatile industry, they are non stable, they're never going to be
steadfast in anything. Because drugs do that to you. They give
you extreme heights, they give you extreme hits, they make you feel
euphoric, they make you feel ecstatic, they make you feel
different from what a normal person feels, and then there's a
downer, it doesn't stay forever, because it's not Jana we're in. So
it's false an artificial sense of hate that a person gets to, and
then they fall, and that makes them really angry, especially when
they can't get their next hit, they're agitated. So being
intoxicated. Also, drinking makes people makes people angry quickly,
because you know, they're in they've, they've lost a full
control over their brains and their faculties and irrationality.
So intoxications is is really problematic. So that brings on
anger as well. Another another place or another situation in
which people become angry is when they're despondent about
something, then they get angry. If a person can't succeed, they've
been trying to get a job, they can't get a job. They've been
trying to have a child, they can't have a child, they been trying to
get married, they can't get married, they've been trying to
find a house, they can't, they can't, they been trying to, to woo
somebody, they've been trying to win somebody over, and they can't
they get frustrated, they see others, right, who are happy and
they're not happy. But then that's all self inflicted. You know, what
we have to realize is that is this dunya is not full of just
successes, there are definitely setbacks, there has to be a
mixture of setbacks and successes in this world. And a person needs
to know how to deal with their setbacks, and with their
successes, so a person should not become agitated, but they should
turn to Allah subhanaw taala. Genuinely what helps in all of
these situations, is to have a regimen of vicar that you're
constantly doing everyday, because that will strengthen the heart.
And then when bad things do happen in your life, you know, to deal
with it. Because you're, you know, you know, you have Allah on your
side, you know that there's a connection between you and Allah.
It's just like, if so if you've got contact with the mayor, or
you've got contact with, you know, the ruling party and you've got
some association there, and then something happens, you know, that
you know, that you can fall back on them, and they'll probably help
you out. So when a person is connected to Allah subhanho wa
taala. This generally deals in a lot of the first, a lot of the
Depression, a lot of the problems and the agitation that people feel
in their mind, despondency, feeling like nothing's happening
for them feeling like the misery just comes to them. calamities are
just intended for them. This can all be dealt with, through
thicker, right through the gut, not just one day, a thicker,
thicker regimen. Slowly, slowly, it will strengthen your heart
within a few weeks, you should be you should be upright again. So
frustration is really bad for anger, because it makes you
frustrated, why isn't it happening fast. There's some of us who like
things to happen very fast. And when they don't happen fast
enough, we get angry, because that's out of frustration. Again,
that's not the right kind of expression. That's not a rightful
expression, we don't have the right to become angry there. We
just have to understand that these are the way things are. Right. You
can't look at other families and how successful they are. And then
get frustrated of why you're not that successful. Right? Allah
makes different as long as you're fine as long as you don't have a
problem. And as long as you're doing okay, you can't get
frustrated just because you're not as good as somebody else that just
may be the way it is you ask Allah subhanaw taala to help your
situation that you have to have some kind of merits within you,
which you may have not discovered yourself because you're looking at
the wrong types of merits in others, and deciding that you want
those for yourself whereas you may have other merits by which you
know, you can you can succeed in this world. So these are various
ways that generally bring about anger, frustration, despondency,
failure, failures, intoxication, and so on and so forth. How do you
How does one cure their anger? So there's, you know, that everybody
is different in this regard. But the one thing which is for sure,
is that if you increase your Tawakkol in Allah subhanaw taala,
and you put your mind over matter and your mind is strengthened
through your vicar, Allah subhanaw taala and your trust in Him, then
you can definitely be able to overcome because you will be able
to overcome the causes of the anger which I just mentioned, your
despondency, you know can can be removed, your frustrations can be
taken care of, etc. So all of these can be taken care of as long
as you increase your relationship with Allah subhanaw taala through
doing specific types of guided vicar, etc.
So, first and foremost, one must think that Allah subhanho wa Taala
rewards abundantly for a person who curbs their anger as Allah
subhanaw taala says in the Quran, well calth Amina leave. Well I
feel and Enos This is a massive praise for those. This is really
great praise for those who are able to do that, because Allah
subhanaw taala is in the praising mode at this point. And that's
what he says. So mind over matter, think of all the great rewards
that Allah subhanaw taala will provide for a person who curbs the
anger for his sake. So when you do get angry, and you realize that,
look, I can't get angry. But it's very difficult to do that, if you
have a habit of getting angry than to do that, at that moment is very
difficult. This is something you have to premeditate it's something
you have to be conscious about. As I said, In the beginning, one has
to realize that I've got an anger problem. So that and then they
need to try to ascertain the times or the instances or the places or
the people with whom they generally get angry, and assess
the situation and think, Well, is my getting anger angry, going to
benefit the situation? Am I going to be able to solve the problem?
Am I going to be able to change the situation? Are those people
going to change because of that? If not, then what's the point?
What's the point then, then try to think of other ways to do it. But
then try to control oneself because being anger is a problem
shaytaan you have, what we have to realize is that the angry person
is a tool, a toy in the hands of shaytaan. I mean, this is the best
way to explain it, that when a person gets angry, they are like a
toy in the hands of shaytaan shaytaan can then just play around
with them as they wish, because the person's lost their faculty
that Iman is, is weak at that point. shaytaan can do as they
wish, and then people do weird things, and then they regret it
afterwards. The other thing, a person has to realize that when
they get angry, generally it causes features to change, it
changes body behavior, because there's an internal change that's
taking place, which is that the blood is raging around, the
hormones are out, the blood sugar level is high, the blood pressure
is high. All of these things, they are very detrimental to our core
organs, main organs of the body, so it's harmful. Number one, the
other thing is look at an angry person, how they look. They get
red in the face, they screw up their face, they look mean they
look wrong, they look like an animal. I mean, that's what is the
generally what people say is that when she don't plays with a
person, it makes the person look like an animal. I mean, why screw
up a face that is so honorable. And so would if somebody takes a
picture at that point, then then you see it, then you will probably
realize that but what one has to realize is that there's no
benefiting benefit in me getting angry like that flying off the
handle just like that, because it's going to change the features
of my face is bad for me inside. It's really detrimental for me. So
what they say generally, as based on the Hadith, Rasulullah
sallallahu Sallam which Abu Abdullah, Masaru, Daniela,
etcetera, etcetera have related that when a person is angry, and
they're standing up, generally sit down, just sitting down in that
psychologically, putting yourself down closer to the earth will
humble you, and will calm your anger. When you're standing up,
you feel like you own the world you feel like you can do you feel
like you have more power and more control. So sit down, if you're
sitting down, then they say actually just lay down. Of course,
that's going to have to be premeditated, there's no way
you're going to remember this at the time of anger, unless you've
really thought about it before, then it may spark then he may
spark in your mind, when you actually do get angry. And if that
doesn't work, then they say use water, which is going to do we'll
do because the brakes are awesome said that if they you know water,
because it's from the anger of hellfire of the fire is hot. And
anger is closer to hellfire water will cool it down. So take a bath,
take a whistle, and so on and so forth. Of course, this is only
like when you're angry, you received an email, you received a
phone, you've seen something, you've heard of something and
you're sitting alone, you've got nobody to express your anger to
you're dealing with yourself, then go and take a shower. But of
course, if you're arguing with somebody is going to be very
difficult go and take a shower unless you're very, very
disciplined. But if you're disciplined, you'll probably be
able to just calm it anyway. So one has to understand that these
these different contexts for all of these things. When a person
gets angry, they get red in the face, they start sweating, they
start shaking. They just look really really bad. I mean, that's
how you get out of control. Some people they get headaches when
they get angry. Anger brings on a headache afterwards. It brings on
sleepless nights afterwards. What's the point of all of this?
Then you sulk, you, you moan? You, you you're angry, you're
despondent, you're sleepless nights that happens the day just
you waste your time because you don't do anything. Then you just
try to find activities that you can occupy yourself when you just
gone like, would you call it retreat to the side or to the
corner or something like that? What's the point of all of this?
Generally, what they say is that as the person gets older, the
anger calms down. However, what studies have shown is that people
in the elite life when they get to advanced old age, what happens
with people is that because they don't have full control over their
faculties, they in that kind of senile
The age, age of the decrepitude, then the most evil of their
behavior manifests itself. So there's a woman who saw this
happening within her parents and family and so on. And she decided
consciously that I want to improve my behavior right now, and
eradicate the blameworthy traits within me. So that when I, if I
ever do get to this age, right, where I lose my faculties, etc,
then I won't resort to doing bad things, because I would have
already eliminated or tried to control them from before. So this
is kind of very interesting that trying to attract change of
control, as of right now, will have profound benefit, even at the
end of our life in this world, and of course, in the hereafter. But
generally, statistic shows surveys show that people become less angry
as they grow up. Right, as they continue to grow up, the worst age
for getting angry is between the ages of 1213 blue, to about 33
years of age, that's generally when the person is in their prime
and developing themselves, and they have the most anger, because
a lot of these faculties of frustration and competitiveness,
and all of these things, generally, are very important.
After the age of 33, they start calming down, but we need to
actively do it for the sake of our deen, we should, we shouldn't just
allow the natural process to take place because it's bad. And a lot
of things can be detrimental for us. Another thing is that if after
the age of 33, for example, there is an illness, sorry, then a
person continues to still be angry and is still frustrated, and so
on, then they have to get help. Because then it's not even natural
anymore, generally people come down. But after that, then they
need they should definitely they should definitely get
intervention, because then it seems some kind of disease or
illness or spiritual problem, major problem. Another thing that
makes people angry, especially kids is video games or the
computer. Right? If you notice you give a child like you allow them
to play for an hour or half an hour, and then they have to give
it to their brother or sister to play with now, or it's time to
finish now, time over, they will get extremely angry, they get more
angry about that than missing their food. So video games are
really, really problematic. They have something within them, it's
just the way they deal with your psyche that it's like an
addiction. For me thing that gets you really angry, it's like a
withdrawal that the child has to go through. So sometimes I mean,
these computer games, they literally like drugs. They're
literally like drugs, and it's very difficult. And the only way
you can sort this out is to is to wean them off it is to make sure
you regulate a lot of parents, when their children make a big
fuss, then they then they give up and say okay, here you go take it
again, because they can't, they can't deal with the tantrum. But
the tantrum has to be dealt with. So computer game is a big problem.
Another thing that we have to realize between men and women,
although I'm speaking to sisters right now, is that men's anger, it
comes fast, they generally get angry much faster than women do.
Of course there are there will always be exceptions about this,
with regards to this both in men and women. This is just the
general trend and standard. So men's anger comes fast, but it
goes fast as well. They don't see that forever. Generally, yes,
there will be men who will do that, you know, who will do the
other way around. But generally men men get angry, but then they
calm down very fast. Whereas women, they it takes a while for
them to get angry. But then they it takes a while for them to, to,
to calm down. So they stay angry for a lot longer. So that's the
challenge for women is to not stay angry for too long to d be able to
deal with it. And to realize that my staying angry and not speaking
or, you know, refusing to do this data other than that is just going
to cause a bigger problem. Everybody has the right to get
angry. Sometimes it's just how you deal with it is what's most
important. So, men, when they get angry, a woman should think that
he will do it. Whereas women when they get angry and they say stuff
they generally will not follow up, they will calm down afterwards
women are mashallah very emotional and soft and compassionate,
compassionate beings, so they say a lot of stuff, but they won't
necessarily do it. Right. So the husband, the way he has to deal
with his wife is that she says a lot of stuff, he has to ignore it
in all the threats and so on, he has to ignore it. Of course, he
has to try to reconcile and reform himself and you know, help the
situation. But with the way to deal with it is that when a man
says that they will do something, then you should think that they
will do it and and try to calm the situation down.
When the man does do these things, it's important for the wife to
start thinking that why is he doing this? What's the problem?
What is the cause for this, try to ascertain the cause and then try
to deal with that cause because there could be an absolutely valid
cause. But then he's just over
are reacting to it. But then try to deal with that cause of how did
how do you deal with it? Men are really weak in this regard men,
really, really what works on them is acts of kindness. So if they're
angry, an act of kindness, you know, with this the soft power of
the woman, it will really, really help an act of kindness,
expressing love showing affection, a gift, this will really really
work with them, right? And they will really calm down when it
comes to
men. Take more, it's known that men take more revenge in anger
than women do. Men take more revenge in anger than women do. So
what's very important is to try to defuse the situation. And the way
to do that is by these, these soft power, this acts of kindness,
affection and love, and that will really help.
Other dietary things that can help is that a person should remove
from themselves from their diet, hot peppers and chili because this
aggravates the self, right? Too much coffee, too much caffeine
within it. Right, creates hyperactivity. They say tomato is
bad, right? milk products are supposed to be bad for this,
Allahu Allah. I mean, this is what I heard from our aroma, sweet
things, because that raises the sugar from the diet. So if a
person has a problem in anger, then these kinds of things should
be removed. Another thing is avoid MSG. Monosodium monosodium
glutamate that's causes hyperactivity, especially in
children. And if children get a lot of tantrums as well, then
really look at your ingredients or what you're feeding them.
artificial sugars are problematic, right use honey etc. artificial
sugars, they raise the blood sugar, much more caffeine, of
course, fast foods are set to the because they contain a lot of
nitrates, and so on.
Generally, people who get angry a lot, they may have a magnesium
deficiency, or a deficiency in vitamin B and C, right vitamins B
and C or magnesium this may be deficient in them. And that's
what's causing them what benefits for a person, right, and these are
all additional things that benefit, right is dried fruits are
helpful, they useful. Fish is very good because of the protein within
the fish and the omega and so on because it gives more control to
the brain, it strengthens the brain, right, the Omega acids in
there, right? That's really good, because sometimes it's because of
weakness in the brain as well. And hyperactivity that noncontrolling
eggs are supposed to be good. White meat is supposed to be good,
not red meats, right? Seeds, all of these things are supposed to
lessen the anger, Omega three itself, you know, supplements
which you can help to take as well help yourself with, they have,
they have control. Another thing is, certain herbal teas are
supposed to be very good, especially the calming ones. And
the ones with the antioxidants in there. They help a lot, B six,
nine and 12 is supposed to be good for the nervous system. So that
should be that should be very helpful B six, nine and 12. And
now another aspect is to deal with your, you know, for women is to
deal with their PMT premenstrual tension, that's really really
important both psychologically and by maybe taking certain
supplements, right, and I'm sure you can find out from your
dietitians and doctors, what will help in that situation, if you're
finding that you get more angry at certain types of certain times in
the month, then what you must realize that this is most likely
premenstrual tension, and there are remedies that will help you.
And of course, the ticker is very important to keep as an underlying
factor in all of these things to help.
So generally, what has been understood is that
if a person gets angry, leave them for 15 minutes, don't expect that
you can make the please them immediately. Like if a if a woman
gets angry, the husband should realize that, you know, let me
just leave her for 15 minutes, let me not do anything, I mean, not
like say you must calm down or whatever it takes a while
sometimes. So generally, they say that it takes 15 minutes for some
people to calm down. So give them that period of calming down.
Right. It's very difficult for a lot of people to calm down
straight away unless you know from experience that they can calm down
there are people like that they just burst into a smile. But a lot
of people, it takes them most people will take them probably 15
minutes to just calm down. So just take it easy. And what we have to
realize one of the most detrimental places for anger is in
marriage. It's going to happen, but we need to know how to
minimize it, reduce it, eradicate it, if possible, and control it if
it ever does happen. So what we have to realize is that marriage,
the bind between the husband and wife, the spouse is is like a
thread a very thin one. If the husband pulls a bit, and the wife
also starts pulling, or the wife is pulling and the husband starts
pulling, it's going to break because it's only a thin thread.
when the wife is pulling, the husband gives some slack. If the
husband is pulling, let the wife give some slack. So if one person
is angry, inevitably somebody's gonna get agitated sometimes. Then
just
Give him some slack. If you stop putting both sides, it's going to
break. And it's a massive problem. Because generally with children,
it's not just about two of you, it's about three, four or five of
you. So one should always think is not just about me and him, or me
and her, it's about us, there's children involved, and we don't
want to unhealthy atmosphere here, change your location, when there's
angry, just go to another room, move your change the subject, just
control yourself for 15 minutes. And generally, you'll see that
people will get angry, show an act of kindness, and just just kind of
be aloof a bit for a while, but just show an act of kindness, a
person could maintain a diary, right, that's a very good thing
that look when I got angry, if a person really wants to correct
themselves, maintain a diary, look ahead, this is what happened,
these were the causes for this will help you to then go back and
try to try to preempt these situations from before so that you
can control yourself in the future, it's very important.
Try to increase your happy hormones, the way to do that is
people who do exercise, right who stay active, then they will
increase their happy hormones, they will get less angry people
who have more sloth in their life, and who just sit around doing
nothing, then generally the who are unfit, they tend to get more
angry sometimes as well. So it's exercise, inshallah will help us
because you releases a lot of your active frustration in that as
well. Generally, they also say that when you get angry, try to
take deep breaths, that helps to give more air into your passage,
it fills your lungs up, it gives more, it lets the blood flow
around more freely, and you know, less in a restricted fashion, that
helps as well. Another thing that helps is to because you need more
oxygen, so you need more oxygen. So that's why you take deep
breaths. But then the other thing is that make sure you have enough
sleep. Sometimes people who've had less sleep, either because they've
been staying up watching things or they've been wasting their time or
they've got other problems or whatever. Right, they tend to get
more angry because when you haven't had enough sleep, you get
more agitated fast. So try to get a good healthy, at least seven
hours of sleep a day if you can, right, that really helps to
respond positively. That's how the prophets Allah Larson taught his
wife Sofia to the Allahu Ana. Once you know there was this rivalry
between the Omaha Minister severe or the Allahu anha was the
daughter of one of the leaders of the Jewish tribes. The professor
Lawson had married her she'd become Muslim. And she was very
beautiful as well. So sometimes the others would kind of provoke
her. Once somebody called her a Yehuda, they called her a Jew,
even though she was a Muslim now and she became she was very, she
was very calm kind of person, but it really hurt her. And she began
to cry in the Bronx a lot. Some saw her. And he, the way he told
her to respond was not like yeah, you should have made these
accusations against them as well. But look at the positive spin he
put on it. He said, You should have just told them that yes, but
I am the the granddaughter of a prophet, and I am the wife of a
prophet. So he said talk about your positive aspects and respond
in that way. So that's the way the prophets Allah Lawson told her to
do that. When it comes to art inshallah the Allahu Anhu a very
interesting story. The porcelain said, I know when you're angry
with me, she said, How do you know when I'm angry with me, because
she was obviously trying to control her anger, you could tell
by this incident by this exchange that I showed her, the Allahu Anhu
was able to control her anger most of the time. So the peroxisome
said, I know when you'll get angry. Now, of course, if she was
flying off the handle, then, you know, she wouldn't be concerned
how he knew, because it was very clear she was doing that. But
because she wasn't doing that and she was controlling herself. She
said, How do you know that? She's he said, You know, when you're
angry, you swear you say what Abu Ibrahim, you swear an oath by the
Lord of Ibrahim by the Lord of Ibrahim. And when you're not
angry, which is most of the time, you say what Abu Mohammed by the
load of Muhammad Sallallahu sallam. So now look at this
beautiful exchange that the prophets a lot of them is telling
her just remarking to her that I know when you get angry by the
words that you use, so then I actually the Allahu Allah was a
very intelligent, very loving person. Immediately her response
was not you know, what was that? Yes, I only drop your name from my
mouth. I keep your name, your name is still in my heart. So yes, I do
say that. That's my way of venting my frustration, but you're still
in my heart. So she salvage the situation. And the Prophet
salallahu Salam did her Islam or just expressed to her how you
would do that? In the Sharia. We have many many guidances in
disregard just to show the instability an angry person has
and feels so the Prophet sallallahu sallam said la Jacobi
will call the Bina if Nino had to burn a coffee a judge or an
arbitrator should not decide between two people provide any
judgments between two people when they are angry, because they won't
be balanced and then it would be totally unfair. So he person has
to be very, very clear about that.
So
a person wants cursed is animal in anger. The prophets of Allah Sam
said get off that animal
Don't use that animal animal because it is Malarone in Arabic.
The word for cursing is learn Latin it, to give a Latin that
wishes to curse somebody say something bad about somebody that
you know you are a Latin it means to be distant from the Mercy of
Allah. So when you curse somebody, you're literally saying that you
are distant from the Mercy of Allah. So now think about this,
the Prophet alayhi salam told this person to get his an animal, don't
write it, and don't use it, because he said the animal has
become Malone, the animal has become a cursed, and you cannot
write an accursed animals, obviously, it was more of a, an it
was more of an admonition to him, right? But think about it. There's
people who get angry with their wives. And then after that, they
become intimate were intimate with them. They curse their wives, they
say really, really bad things about the way they swear at them.
And then after the intimate with somebody that is a cursed, that is
just such a major contradiction that you want the good for
yourself, you're making it bad, and then you're and then you're,
you're intimately interacting with it, and vice versa. So many women
also, as the professor has actually said, in the Hadith, that
they have a tendency to curse that's their weapon, they have men
strike out, women use their tongue. So the challenge for men
is to not strike out and follow the model of Rasulullah sallallahu
alayhi wasallam that to be the best to their wives and to others.
And for women, it's to its to control their tongue because the
tongue is so serious that it will take a person into the hellfire.
May Allah subhanaw taala give us the Tofik to curb our anger,
especially those of us who have a greater ability or propensity or
inclination to get angry more quickly. Remember, sometimes in
situations of, of the religion, it is permissible to feel agitated
and get angry, but it's the way you express it. There has to be a
lot of wisdom in that. And of course if we have a problem then
we need to realize of how to deal with it. May Allah subhana wa Tada
give us the Tofik and may Allah give us the same level of control
that Hussein or the Allahu Anhu had and the Sahaba head and may
Allah subhanaw taala improve our lives while through Dawa and Al
Hamdulillah Europeana Allah