Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Parenting – The Ideal Father
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of finding a stable home and environment for healthy parenting, finding a woman or more as the father, creating a stable environment for children, avoiding giving children a lopsided Tarzi, balancing the father and mother, finding a father and mother in a stable environment, finding a father and mother in a positive environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a positive environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a positive environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a positive environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment, finding a father and mother in a negative environment,
AI: Summary ©
But actually, while you do have to focus
on the children, of course, but now they're
saying that the most important focus is actually
the wife, the husband-wife relationship.
If that is healthy, and if that is
working solid, and they're on the same wavelength,
they trust one another, they compliment one another,
that tarbiyah, which means nurturing the children, will
be solid.
What is going to benefit is that you're
going to have a stable home and a
stable environment.
When you have problems with husband and wife,
look, everybody's going to have a little issues,
because every two human beings that get together
have issues.
That's the norm, by the way.
Alhamdulillah rabbil alameen.
والصلاة والسلام على المبعوث رحمة للعالمين وعلى آله
وصحبه وبارك وسلم تسليماً كثيراً إلى يوم الدين
أما بعد قول الله تعالى في القرآن المجيد
والفرقان الحميد والذين يقولون ربنا هبلنا من أزواجنا
وذرياتنا قررة أعين وجعلنا للمتقين إماماً صدق الله
العظيم Oh, dear brothers and dear friends and
dear sisters, dear listeners, this is the first
time I'm discussing this topic in particular, which
is how to be an ideal father.
The ideal father, what does it mean to
be an ideal father?
So I'm going to start with a verse
in the Qur'an where Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala says, in praising the righteous people,
they're the ones who make this dua to
Allah.
So Allah is saying that the righteous ones,
Allah's righteous servants are those who pray to
Allah, who make this dua to Allah, that
our Lord grant us from our spouses, which
means if it's men, then they'll say grant
us from our wives.
Could be one wife or more, just depends
on because Allah uses the plural.
So it just depends on what your situation
is.
And likewise, if it's a woman, then she
could be doing this for her spouse, which
is the husband.
Then Allah says, وَذُرِّيَّتِنَا And our descendants.
Allah does not do things in limited ways.
Allah is infinite.
So He's teaching us here, don't just make
dua for your children, like your immediate children
that you can see or your grandchildren, right?
That you will see as well.
But make dua for your descendants.
Even after you're gone from this world, there's
going to be, there's no stopping.
Once you've got a few grandchildren, there's no
stopping them afterwards, is there?
We'll be gone and then on the Day
of Judgment, we arise and there's this huge
army there.
Who are these?
These are all your grandchildren, not your brothers
and your sisters.
They are yours.
They'll have their own, inshallah.
So Allah is telling us to make dua
for them.
So Allah is saying make dua that these
righteous people, they do this dua that make
our Lord grant, give us from our spouses
and our descendants, those who are the gladness
of our eyes.
They will make us happy when we look
at them.
They make us joyous.
Remember these are righteous people looking at them.
If it was mischievous people looking at them,
then they'll want them to be scammers and
so on and so forth.
And that is what will make them happy.
But righteous people will want their children to
be righteous.
And mashaAllah if your children, you can look
at them and you can be satisfied by
that.
Beautiful.
ازواجنا ذر قرّة عين And then not only
that, make us imams.
Literally it's saying that every one of you
can become an imam.
Every one of us can become an imam
in our own capacity.
There may not be enough masajid around your
area to accommodate every one of us as
imams.
But every one of our households, can be
your place for your imamat.
Right?
And that is how it's supposed to be.
This is what Allah is telling us.
That is what He's saying, is that the
righteous people, that's what they make dua to
Allah for, that you will become an imam
in your house.
Do you want to become an imam in
your house?
Yeah.
Not just to lead the prayer, but to
lead the people.
That's a very important responsibility.
Now beautifully Allah says that, وَجَعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
The dua is make us imams, not of
scam artists, or bad people, but of the
righteous people.
So inadvertently what you're saying is that, make
everybody that I'm in charge of, righteous, taqwa,
taqweware as they say, muttaqeen, and make me
their imam.
Have you ever thought about the beauty of
that dua?
That's every one of you.
You may not be an alim, you may
never have led a prayer, but you can
be an imam, because Allah has chosen you
to be the imam.
If you're a father, you're an imam.
If you're a mother, you're an imam.
In a capacity, imam just means a leader.
And this is a Quran sanctioned leader.
Not a self-made leader, this is what
Allah is telling us that, we've given you
the opportunity to be an imam, do this
dua, and then if Allah accepts you, mashaAllah
you have a household full of muttaqeen.
And mashaAllah there's people who are picking up
on this.
There's been families, there's some families when they're
told, some parents they're told that, you know,
make your children hafiz of the Quran.
You know, start wearing, start having a beard,
start being religious, start covering up.
Our family has never done this.
This doesn't run in my family.
We've never had a hafiz in our, you
know.
We're all doctors or, I don't know, kashkar
or whatever it is, right?
And subhanAllah, what's amazing now, in this new
world we're living in, where you can do
what you want, right?
Is that now there are families that I
know now, within my lifetime of nearly 50
years now, I have seen families change.
From there never being in their history, as
far as they know, ever being there an
alim or a hafiz, or anybody that actually
was serious about their faith, in terms of,
you know, proper covering and focus.
And now mashaAllah every single child, right, in
that family, you know, that second generation is
all hafiz of the Qur'an.
And they're all covering up, they're all righteous.
So you can change it, it's in your
hands.
You are the imam, it can change.
So stop carrying on bad traditions and bad
culture.
Make the change.
You don't have to do what, you don't
have to be restricted.
That's the way of the people of Makkah.
We're not going to change.
This is what we found our forefathers doing,
worshipping these idols.
And we don't get it, we don't understand
it, but we're going to do the same
thing.
That's just ignorance.
Let's not perpetrate ignorance.
Let us change it.
And you know, once you change it, then
you know that big army that you're going
to see on the Day of Judgment of
your generations.
All the good that you initiated and they
picked up and they carried on, you're just
going to lie in your grave, and just
getting that investment on the Day of Judgment.
Because, مَنْ سَنَّ سُنَّةً حَسَنَةً Whoever initiates any
good way, if you introduce in your family,
something good that they weren't doing, yes, you'll
have to maybe get some rebuke in the
beginning.
People will say all sorts of things, كیا
بن گیا؟
کیا ہو گیا؟
تجھے؟
You know, وَرَى سُفِي بن گیا؟
You know, this, that and the other, they'll
criticize you, آپ ایسا کیوں کر رہے؟
یہ تو ہمارا طریقہ نہیں ہے.
You know, and things like that.
You just have to deal with it, it
takes a few months.
You just have to have a thick skin
for a few months, and then after that,
you will see.
People feel guilty when they see their own
doing something that they should be doing, so
that's why they have an opposition usually.
It's a psychological complex.
You just have to بس صبر کرو.
You know, like just steadfast patience, asking Allah
for assistance.
And then you'll see within 5, 6, 7
months, within a year, you will change.
There'll be other people start following you.
Because secretly they wanna do it.
There's people in your family or in your
circle who wanna do it, but they don't
have the himmah.
And mashaAllah, Allah gave you the himmah.
همت والا بنو.
You know, be courageous people because that's what
we want our children to be.
So, that is very, very important.
However, we do this for the sake of
Allah.
We're gonna think of this for the sake
of Allah, not to become well-known or
not to become praised or whatever.
If that comes from Allah, alhamdulillah, we accept
it, we benefit from it, we thank Allah
for it.
But our purpose is to do this because
we got a responsibility.
One of the biggest responsibility any person is
given in this world is to bring up
the next generation.
And how difficult is that?
But how important it is.
Because if you don't have a next generation,
then that means the end of the human
race.
If people stopped having children, then that means
the end of the human race.
If you get more focused on work or
your career, then that means that you don't
have children.
You don't leave a legacy.
That's selfish.
Because all you're focused on is yourself, your
career, what you can amass.
But you don't want to work hard on
leaving something behind.
You're gone from this world so you don't
even care.
At least I enjoyed my world, you only
live once.
Actually, you don't.
You only live in this world once.
But mashaAllah, there's a bigger life to come.
So, it's a very, very valuable idea that
we have to understand.
It's a big responsibility for the future.
And that future doesn't stop at your grandchildren.
That future stops on the Day of Judgment,
even after we're gone.
And that's why we have to be really,
really focused on this.
So, that's why ikhlas is very, very important.
That we can develop that sincerity so our
children develop that sincerity because everything rubs off
onto our children.
Right, now what I'm going to do is
I've got several points that I made for
this session.
They might seem a bit random.
We don't have too much time.
So, what I want to do is I
want to try to cover as many of
those points.
They may sound a bit disjointed.
But the benefit will be that we get
different points because I'm not sure which of
them are more relevant to some of you
than to others.
So, inshaAllah, these different points, inshaAllah, we'll find
them relevant.
And then I want to open it up
to questions and answers if I've left anything
because you can't cover how to be an
ideal father in an hour, right, of your
time.
You just can't do that.
Right, there's a lot to being an ideal
father.
So, I don't want to necessarily go from
here without having addressed a concern that you
have in your mind, inshaAllah.
So, tawakkalna ala Allah.
We ask Allah for assistance, blessing in time,
and benefit for all of us.
So, I would say one of the first
things to be an ideal father.
I'm not going to start from marriage, like
the beginning of marriage because that's a whole
different subject.
I've written a book on that, right.
And I've done several lectures on that already
on ZamZam Academy.
You can go and check those out.
Today, it's specifically about the ideal father.
The ideal father, to get it all right,
to be the ideal father, you need to
create an environment in your house where it
is ideal.
And the only way you can do that,
if you're a father, there has to be
a mother.
You can't be a father without there being
a mother, at least in Islam, right.
And there's going to be children.
But if a lot of research now shows,
before they used to focus, they used to
say, focus on the children, focus on the
children.
But actually, while you do have to focus
on the children, of course, but now they're
saying that the most important focus is actually
the wife, the husband and wife relationship.
If that is healthy, and if that is
working solid, and they're on the same wavelength,
they trust one another, they compliment one another,
that tarbiyah, which means nurturing the children, will
be solid.
What is going to benefit is that you're
going to have a stable home and a
stable environment.
When you have problems with husband and wife,
look, everybody's going to have a little issues
because every two human beings that get together
have issues.
That's the norm by the way.
The Prophet ﷺ once got upset with his
wives, and disappeared from them for 29 days.
Slept somewhere else.
That's the Prophet ﷺ.
Ali radhiallahu anhu and his wife, Fatima radhiallahu
anhu had issues every now and then.
Just a human thing to do.
The thing is how do we deal with
it?
How do we overcome it?
How do we preempt it so that it
doesn't happen?
That's important.
Investment in your spouse to get that relationship
going is the most important because then you
provide a stable environment.
Otherwise, psychologically the children are affected.
The mom is saying one thing, the father
is saying something else.
And then it gets even worse.
Sometimes the moms will speak about the children,
negative about their fathers.
And the fathers will speak negative about their
mothers.
That is, you got issues, don't bring that
in your children because your wife is the
child's mother.
That's a different relationship to your relationship with
that woman.
And if you're a woman, your relationship with
your husband is very different from your child's
relationship to your father.
Unless of course there's clear abuse and you
have to warn, that's a different issue.
But in normal circumstances, don't be cheap and
spoil the relationship.
Don't be cheap, like literally, to spoil that
relationship because all you're doing is you're going
to give your children a lopsided tarbiyah.
If you can even call it tarbiyah.
Lopsided, a stilted upbringing.
What does that mean?
Unfortunately now, we have many, many women in
the community who are divorced from their husbands.
And because the country laws support the women
in terms of who takes charge of the
children, they literally deprive the husbands of seeing
their children for years and years and years.
And they fight court cases, they spend huge
amounts of money, then they get to see
them a few times and then the wife
causes a bigger issue because she wants to
get back at this husband who gave her
some grief.
Whether it was from him or not is
another issue, but maybe even so.
So then they deprive, thinking that, I want
to keep them away from what she considers
a monster.
And what's happening is that the children are
only getting one energy, which is the mother's
energy.
And that's not enough.
It is important to have the mother's energy.
Absolutely necessary.
But you also need the father's energy.
People born in stable, healthy environments with both
male and female energy from both parents are
a lot more stable than those who get
just one energy.
There's a report, there is an interview actually
that I saw of a woman who was
actually brought up by two mothers.
The modern idea of two mothers.
And she says, while they were wonderful women,
but I was deprived of a father's attention.
And that is necessary because that's Allah's nizam
and system.
We need both.
So keep that in mind.
That also gives us another responsibility that the
father can't be just the bank.
He can't just be the investor, you know,
out somewhere investing, money-making, hustling to get
lots of money.
And then they just basically like an ATM
that they just keep taking money from him.
They do their own thing and there's no
attention.
Because that's also an ideal father is one
who looks after both.
Who looks after the whole.
He is the captain of the ship.
That's the imam of the muttaqeen.
He is the imam.
And the wife is then the imam in
her department.
So everybody has their department.
The wife is gonna spend more time with
the children.
So if the husband-wife relationship is good
and the tarbiyah is seen to there, then
mashaAllah, it's wonderful.
If the wife is a happy woman, she's
gonna be better with the children than if
she's upset.
Because they usually spend more time.
We're not trying to say that you must
spend the same amount of time.
We're not saying that.
But it has to be both.
They both have to take part.
Then what we have is the more practical
level.
We have to have wisdom in this case.
And as Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says,
وَمَنْ يُعْتَ الْحِكْمَةِ فَقَدْ أُوتِيَ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا Do
you guys know what wisdom means?
وَمَنْ يُعْتَ الْحِكْمَةِ فَقَدْ أُوتِيَ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا Whoever
is given wisdom, they're given a huge amount
of goodness.
Wisdom is all good.
Goodness is wisdom.
And wisdom means how do you do something
in the best possible way, most appropriate way,
most practical way, most effective way.
I could have a lot of knowledge but
if I have no wisdom, I don't know
how to deliver that knowledge to you.
I won't do it effectively.
Some people have less knowledge but they know
exactly what to say and how much to
say and how to say it.
So wisdom is about managing various different things
and trying to get the right outcome in
the right way.
And a father has to have that because
he's got balancing his wife, he's balancing his
children, and all of the needs and everything
and he's trying to get it right.
So if we can be given balance of
how to do things in the correct way,
subhanAllah.
Allah says, you've been given a lot of
goodness if you have been given this wisdom.
So now what that requires is that a
father needs to understand all of his household's
personalities, their weaknesses, their qualities, their capabilities, their
strengths, and their weaknesses, and then try to
put that all together to reinforce their strengths
and try to let them overcome their weaknesses.
So now what I'm going to let you
into is that one thing if we didn't
recognize this already, it's a very interesting.
Every one of our children, right?
So mashaAllah, the young brother is sitting here.
And every one of our adults, every human
beings are born from Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala and Allah gives them a package deal.
So we're born with obviously physical limbs and
eyes and so on, right?
So that's the physical package we get.
Then there's another package that Allah gives us
of software.
This is the hardware, right?
Allah gives us software, every one of us.
What do you mean by software?
So Allah gives everybody certain capabilities.
It's the same three children, brothers and sisters,
their brothers and sisters, same parents.
In fact, sometimes there's two of them, they're
twins.
They came from the same womb at the
same time, eating the same food, same tarbiyah,
everything, same exposure, but they have complete different
personalities.
Have you noticed that?
That is Allah's way of making everybody unique.
Yes, within certain family there'll be a common
personality maybe, a common trait in something.
But if you look at a family of
three or four children, you'll see one of
them is a bit quicker than the others.
One's a bit slower, one's a bit faster,
right?
One is a bit smarter, and the other
one is less smarter, but one is more
compassionate and the other one is less compassionate.
One has more empathy, cares for others, and
the other one is a bit more selfish,
okay?
One will share his last sweet with you,
and the other one will not share his
last sweet.
Would you give your last sweet to somebody
when you're at the end of the package?
Yeah?
Would you as well?
Like, would you genuinely do so?
You're just saying, yes, I would like to.
You do?
Have you ever done it before?
Yeah, okay.
What about you, Mr. Red, Minecraft?
Yeah?
Even your last sweet, you'll share it?
If they're really nice sweets and you really
want it?
MashaAllah, Allah bless you.
Alhamdulillah.
So, you know what I'm saying, but some
will not.
They're just naturally tight.
I'm not gonna blame the kid for that.
And we do, isn't it?
You're stingy, no.
What we do is that Allah has created
them that way.
I mean, many of us are stingy or
that we have that stinginess trait compared to
somebody else.
Our job, and that's what Allah does, He
gives you a package of good and a
package of challenges.
Our job is to find within us, and
of course within our children, what are their
capabilities?
Some people are better with their mind, they're
better at maths.
Others, they hate maths.
They're better at making some design or something.
Right?
Or they like to bang wood together, so
they're like more into carpentry.
You understand?
Allah creates, so let's find what our energies
are and of our children and help them
to determine their capabilities and to use them.
And we know where their capabilities or their
energies let them down sometimes.
Some are too sensitive.
Some of our kids get angry too quickly.
We need to learn that and talk to
them about anger issues.
That's a father's job.
It's to figure this out.
One of them, they just start crying easily.
So we need to speak to them about
that, find the best way to sort that
out.
Their weaknesses, we have to learn to help
them control it.
Because if we don't, they become losers in
this world.
Among us here, many people consider themselves successful
in a sense, that you, mashaAllah, you know,
you have a family, you have a decent
job, you have a decent place to stay.
That means you're successful.
We're not telling you to become Bill Gates.
But you're successful.
In the sense that, alhamdulillah, guzarahu raya achi
taraseh.
You know, like I'm leading a decent life.
That's successful.
So you've used your energies to figure that
out.
Alhamdulillah.
That's what we've done.
I found I'm good at this.
That's how I can earn my living.
That's how I can be in this world.
Have we figured out our weaknesses and sorted
them out, or do they still cause us
troubles?
A father's job, if we had good tarbiyah,
that would have been sorted out by now.
Because our father and mother would have told
us about it.
Maybe they did tell us, but we were
rebellious.
One day it has to have effect.
So that's why it's very important for parents
and for father to be a very wise
person in that sense.
Right?
And a wise person here, means for his
family, that they trust in his judgment.
If there's an issue, they're gonna go to
him for a judgment.
And they trust in his judgment because he's
balanced in his judgment.
He's not gonna be selfish in his judgment.
Allahumma salli ala Sayyidina Muhammad.
The father's job as an ideal father is
to balance the family because he has been
given the responsibility of being the one in
charge of the house.
Right?
You're preparing for that right now.
You're not a father yet, but that's what
you're preparing for.
Allah says in the Qur'an, الرَّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ
عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ
وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ Men are the...
What's the word?
Men are qawwamun.
Men are the ones who take care.
They're responsible.
They're the ones who have to stand up
with the responsibility.
The concept of qawwamun comes from the concept
of qiyam, which means to stand up with
a responsibility.
It does not mean a dictatorship.
It does not mean that you come home
and everybody has to do your khidmat.
I mean they can if you're nice enough.
Absolutely, you know.
They feel and they just want to do
your khidmat.
Bismillah, accept it.
But you can't.
That's not what it means to be the
father.
That you must just be silent, everybody in
front.
I must get to eat first.
And you must just wait around and do
nothing and everybody must be silent.
Because then you're gonna have people living two
lives when you're here and when you're not
there.
And it's gonna be very miserable when we're
there at home.
For them at least, for us.
MashaAllah, you know.
But that's only gonna last for so long.
Because eventually everybody grows up and they become
rebellious in that sense.
That's why our job is to run it
in a way that we're responsible.
And sayyidul qawmi khadimuhum, the Prophet ﷺ said.
You want to be the leader of a
people and you're a leader of your family,
then you are their khadim.
We're their serving.
It's our...
Essentially it means the buck stops with us.
For example, if I can't find a decent
teacher, maqtab, madrasa, school teacher to teach my
children, I'm still gonna be responsible.
I can't complain to Allah that a teacher
wasn't a good teacher.
Well, you should have been following up.
You should have found a better teacher.
Ultimately as parents, our response is a tough
responsibility.
But mashaAllah, why not?
Those people who refuse to have children because
they're so inward looking, you know, the feminism
that...
you know, the second wave feminism that have
come about women not needing men and not
having to have children.
Those same feminists today after 30 years and
40 years are miserable because they're alone.
They're lonely.
They never had children.
When a woman gets to the age of
40, 50, when a man gets to that
age, you need your own people around you.
And what a blessing that is.
If we've done the tarbiyah, we can then
enjoy that investment and reap of it for
the rest of our lives.
Another really important point is that a lot
of us don't understand, have forgotten, right?
Alhamdulillah, to a certain degree.
Have forgotten when we were children.
We don't wanna act like when we were
5 years old.
Some people still do that, right?
But the majority of people, they forget how
they were at the age of 5 and
6 when they used to cry because their
brother took something of theirs and the mother
used to come and help them.
We know how to do it differently now.
But for our children, we can't treat them
like adults.
A lot of us, we want them to
grow up fast.
So we want them to be more mature.
So we start treating them like adults.
And our expectation from them is the way
my friends or my students at university or
my colleagues at work or whatever would respond.
And I would get that kind of response.
I expect that from my children who are
still 6 and 7 years old.
I'm not gonna get that.
These are children.
So somehow we have to dig back down
of how when we were 6 and 7
and what worked and what didn't work.
We try to help our children avoid the
mistakes we made, right?
What we got away with.
And I believe that if you're doing your
best, you'll actually be a better parent than
your father and your mother.
Especially in this country, in where we are
right now.
What do I mean by that?
My parents didn't know that much English.
They did not understand the culture because they
were born in a village.
And then they came here.
So they came here in their adulthood, right?
So for an adult to understand the culture,
right?
At least growing up culture is very difficult
because they've not been through it.
They know English.
They know what happens around corners and shops
and things like that.
But when we have been brought up in
this country, where most likely we know what
they can do.
Like let's just take technology, for example.
The older folks, they don't know much about
technology.
So kids can have so much on their
phones and they won't even know.
They'll hide everything.
But now people are more technologically aware.
So they can check it out.
So it should only get better or easier
rather, right?
So you could do a better job.
That's why what we need to do is
treat our children like children when they are
growing up, but not for too long.
So, you know, when children are young, they
use, we use certain terms like baby words.
Instead of dude, you say doodoo.
Something like that.
Now, how long are you going to keep
saying that word for?
How long are you going to keep breastfeeding?
Some guy called me.
He had some issues.
I don't want to bring up the issues.
And I said, but where's your wife?
Why don't you have a relationship?
He said, well, my six-year-old daughter
still sleeps with us.
I said, you know what?
Get her out of your bed.
Oh, she doesn't want to, she doesn't like
sleeping alone.
I said, well, you spoiled her.
You still got a six-year-old in
the bed.
Like, what kind of relationship is this?
And that's what he's complaining about.
I said, it's haram for you to have
your daughter in your bed with the issue
that he had at least.
I won't share that right now.
Get her out of your bed, right?
Six-year-old should not be in your
bed.
How long are you going to keep her
in there for?
Because if she's been there for six years,
how long is she going to carry on?
You have to get them used to it.
And mashallah, children learn these things.
So, that's the father's response, to understand the
children.
Now, I know a lot of this stuff
applies to the mothers as well.
But since we got, since the topic is
fathers, and the women who are listening, they
can apply it to themselves.
It's not a problem.
But there are some things in here that
I'm saying, which are unique to fathers.
Because they have been given this responsibility.
So, not to speak to the children as
though they're adults too early, so that we
can relate to them, and they can understand
what we're talking about, and they can process
this information.
A father's job then is like a leader,
who has to balance the needs, and the
demands, and the requirements, and the issues of
the whole family.
He can't be part of the problem.
He has to be the last resort that,
okay, there's that sane voice, that sensible voice,
right?
And I know these are ideals that we're
talking about, how to get about doing that,
is that don't get involved in every little
petty issue.
Have a structure at home where the mother
does, because she usually does, and you step
in when you have to, but don't leave
it too long, otherwise you'll become irrelevant as
a father.
And I'll guarantee you this, if you make
this effort and be a good father, the
ideal father for your first one or two
children, then the rest of the children will...
you will be assisted by these older children.
That's just what happens.
You're assisted by them.
You've passed on your wisdom to them, and
your ability to them.
For example, if you have a lot of
daughters, and they like to be very chatty,
and they might bicker with one another, and
sometimes they might, for example, have little arguments
with the mother.
As they get older, they get teens.
The father's responsibility is to make sure that
he balances that out, and he stops it
in good time, if it's getting too far.
So, usually what happens is that the father
is the more authoritative figure, authoritarian figure sometimes,
right?
And they're more scared of him.
Whereas the mother is usually the softer, compassionate,
that's how Allah has made them.
So sometimes they get taken advantage of, they
get abused sometimes.
Father's responsibility is not to let the mother
get abused, or to be walked over, to
hold her dignity up, and help her develop
that in the minds of the children.
I know one woman constantly says that, if
we ever spoke, when we were young, if
we ever spoke back to my mother, my
dad would just...
we'd get in big trouble.
We'd get in big trouble.
Because the father was there to reinforce her
position.
Now yes, you do get the opposite case,
in some case where the mother is the
rough and tough one.
And the father is a bit bichara, right?
We do get that, but that's an exceptional
case, okay?
Allah Ta'ala, you know, Allah Ta'ala
give him strength.
But usually, usually it's the father who has
that more authoritative, that is the most scary
one.
And sometimes it's the opposite.
But the father has to make sure that
he doesn't allow the mother to be disrespected.
A little banter is understandable.
We're living in a home, and it's understandable,
but no disrespect.
Father's responsibility is to maintain that.
It's very important.
Now, if you have more daughters, that's gonna
provide a different challenge.
If you have more daughters, as a father,
we've never been a woman, don't wanna be
a woman, not that it's bad, but we've
never been a woman, don't wanna be a
woman, we'll never be a woman, so you
don't know what it means to be a
woman.
I know nowadays the rich man's game is
that you can take certain pills and operations
and go that way, but that's not the
point.
Ultimately, we don't know what it means to
be a woman or a girl, or a
teenage girl especially.
How are you gonna figure that out?
That's a tough, very tough, like, I don't
understand her.
Boys, you might even understand because we've been
a boy, like we've been youth before, so
you can even understand it, but you can't
even because our children can be very different
from us.
Our children can have very different mentalities than
us.
They're unique.
They share some things but not everything, and
every one of our children will be different.
So, how do we deal with this?
Well, we speak to the mother, we speak
to others about those who have daughters similar,
their challenges, and it's good to have a
small network, small group of people with similar
age children to share good practices, how to
deal with challenges.
And today, mashaAllah, you can just type it
in and get so much, mashaAllah, guidance in
this regard.
How do I deal with teenage daughters?
Just put that up in a search bar
and you will see so much coming up.
And it's not all necessarily relevant or useful,
but you will find a lot of relevant.
But if we don't do this, we're gonna
be stuck.
Then we're gonna do it in our own
haphazard way, and that's gonna be incorrect.
Women go through a lot of hormonal changes.
They have different temperaments.
They react differently.
They want...
They interact differently.
When they have an issue, men like to
be sometimes silent and brood over it, whereas
girls, they might like to chat about it.
Sometimes we're gonna have to just listen.
They just wanna listen.
Just wanna hold their hand and listen to
them.
That's it.
That's all we need to do.
Another one which is very important.
The Prophet ﷺ warned against this.
Is that, as a father, what we have
to be very fair and just and balanced
in the way we approach, especially our different
children.
Again, this is a parenting issue, but very
important that there is a person, that the
father is seen as somebody balanced.
So, we can't be giving more gifts to
one child over the other.
I mean, that's really bad.
Right?
Yes, an incentive for something that is available
to everybody is alright.
Another one is, that you speak about the
evil of others in a very bad way
to put another one down in front of
the other.
That's very, very harmful.
Yes, we may tell somebody off in front
of the other.
We do that all the time.
Hey, why didn't you do this?
Why didn't you clean up?
Understand?
And why do you always do this?
But then for the sake of putting somebody
down completely, we shouldn't even be doing that
in that way anyway.
Especially if we say it in front of
another, then that's actually planting the seed of
hatred and of superiority complex.
And especially if we're making, unless we're doing
it for the sake, look, he does it
that way, you better not do it that
way as well.
So, that has to be done in a
way that you don't create animosity between the
children themselves.
We were studying with one of our teachers.
And sometimes in the class, you have to
explain something, right?
And you give an example of something.
If ever any of the students gave an
example using, a negative example using a guy,
you know, one of their classmates, the teacher
will get very angry.
He said, that is how you create animosity
between you, by giving those examples.
You want to give a bad example?
Give it about yourself.
Don't give it about another person.
So, المساواة والعدل Equality and justice is very
important for us to be ideal parents.
Now, the real job, distinctive from the mother's
job of a father, which is necessary, and
that's why in Islam, if there is separated
parents, Allah has allowed, the Prophet ﷺ allowed,
our Islam allows the woman to keep the
children, the boys until they're seven, as the
primary carer.
Not the exclusive carer, but the primary carer.
And the girls until they're nine, as the
primary carer.
Then, it's the responsibility of the father, to
become the primary carer.
Now, I know that doesn't usually happen, because
the father usually busy, and they allow the
ex-wife, the mother, to carry on becoming
the Friday carer, as long as, you know,
they get access and so on.
But that's the way.
Why is that the case?
Because, women teach feminine traits to the girls.
And, both our sons and daughters need to
learn, what it means to be feminine, because
they're going to be dealing with women all
their life.
Even the sons are going to be dealing
with women.
They don't know what feminine traits are, they
don't know how to treat a wife.
So, the mothers have to teach them, this
is women.
But once that's happened, there are traits within
the man, that has to be passed on
as well.
And that's the father's job.
In things like, responsibility.
Not to say the mothers can't teach that,
of course they can.
But the father's job is the overall, and
he teaches his sons and daughters, responsibility, bravery,
taking calculated risks.
Not to say the mother can't do that,
but this is usually the man's responsibility.
And very important, we need to teach them,
things that are responsibilities of men, like fixing
things, how to deal with guests, how to
pay bills, as they get older.
It's very important.
We need to, in fact, somebody comes at
our door, and the child opens the door,
he's like, hmm, like grunts a few things
and goes away, doesn't know what to say
to them.
We need to teach our children this from
before, of how you're supposed to, assalamu alaikum
uncle, how are you?
Would you like to speak to my dad?
He's not here, but can I give him
a message?
You know, like in that kind of a
confident way.
That's our responsibility.
One thing that we have to realize is
that, as a father, you only get one
shot.
You can't reverse the time.
Hey, become an infant again, I'm gonna start
again.
Let's do this again.
You can't.
You can do that to other kids, to
newer children, but you can't do that to
the same children.
And why be a failure?
And it's never too late to rectify if
we've done wrong.
And you know, it is a challenge.
It's not easy.
It's a challenge.
But the fruits of it are amazing in
this world, and then in the hereafter, as
I explained at the beginning.
Remember that you only get one shot.
You shot at this, and your children will
only have that one father, when they're brought
up.
And you know, it can be changed, but
usually whatever's happened during the young age, they
remember that for the rest of their life.
Then you just have to do double the
effort to try to change that perspective, and
develop that relationship.
It's not easy.
But that's why the last point I'm gonna
make, when I do, is gonna be about
du'a.
Because that is, if we're doing our best,
then the du'a is what is going
to fill in any gaps that are left.
You understand what I'm saying?
Physically, practically, we do our best, while learning
as much as we can to do our
best, but we are weak.
And the challenges are huge, especially in this
country, the modern world we're living in.
Not just in this country, in the modern
world.
You know, whether you're staying in Pakistan, it's
still a modern world now.
With the social media and everything, that's everywhere.
So our du'a has to be the
one that then provides the background energy, and
fills in any gaps.
And we leave it to Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala, as long as we've done our
best, we leave the rest to Allah, and
then Allah will definitely look after us.
There's a story told about this woman who
came into a masjid.
And some of the other women there, they're
like, why are you so parashan?
You see, it's an Arab country, I don't
think they said parashan, but it's just such
a cool word that is, right?
Why are you so parashan?
Like, why are you so miserable?
Like, your face and everything.
She said, because my son is like this.
He doesn't listen, this that and the other.
SubhanAllah, this other woman, she said, you know
what, my son was like that, but the
du'as I made today, he's the imam
of this masjid.
You know, the imam of this masjid, he
was exactly like that.
You know, so that's why we're after living
in this world for, you know, some number
of years and seeing so many students.
You know, when I see a little kid
who's a bit of a mischief, I don't
write them off anymore.
Because I know today, there are a lot
of very effective ulema who used to be
mischief, who used to be mischievous.
Not evil, but mischievous, all right?
Mastihor, when they were young.
And today, mashaAllah, look what they're doing there.
Mastihor is amazing today.
You understand what I'm saying?
Evil is one thing.
That's something Allah protect us from.
Evil, right?
But mischief, subhanAllah.
It's just being a children sometimes.
Some are very calm and some are very
active.
And they like to mess around a bit.
And, بَرِشَانْ كَنَّ اللَّهُكُ إِذَا رُضَرْ You know,
as they say, I don't know why I'm
using Urdu a lot today, right?
But it's nice, alhamdulillah, right?
You can't beat certain words like this, can
you?
MashaAllah.
So, Allahu Akbar.
Remember, you chose to bring them in this
world.
So now it's your response.
Just think it's like, why is my response?
You chose to bring them in the world.
You should have stayed celibate.
Should have married books.
Or something else, right?
You chose to bring them in this world
and that is what Allah wants anyway.
So just do it well and do it
properly.
Now, an interesting thing is remember all the
good things your father did for you.
That you remember, that makes him, you know,
the few things, a lot of things and
do those things.
And remember all of the bad things, or
the not so good things, or the things
that you did not enjoy and avoid those
in your own children.
I mean, that's one place we can all
learn from, can't we?
I can learn that what happened to me,
but let me be better than that.
I definitely use this strategy in teaching.
What I enjoyed from my teachers, what I
found effective, I try to use that.
And what I found not to be so
effective, I try to avoid that myself.
Allah give us success.
But we have to find a role model.
We have to find ways of doing this
to the best because we only get to
do it once.
And it's a responsibility and we will be
gripped in the hereafter because Allah says, يَا
أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوْا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْذِيكُمْ نَارًا Or
people who believe, protect your families from the
hellfire, yourselves and your families.
It's a responsibility.
There's no escape from it.
Actions speak louder than words.
And the most important thing that we'll do
is the du'a.
That is the most important thing that we'll
do.
But du'a on its own and just
enjoying life without...
and allowing our...
We're like farmers.
We're responsible.
Otherwise we're gonna let our children grow up
like weeds all over the place.
Rather, you want your garden, your flowerbed to
be beautiful and curated and look nice.
And that's...
Our children like our flowers at whatever age
it is.
May Allah give us that tawfiq.
آخر دعوانا الحمد لله رب العالمين Yes, brothers,
any questions?
So sisters, you can just flip it around.
But one day I will do a discussion
about how to be a good mother, right?
As best as I can after consulting my
wife.
As in like, how to be a good
mother?
How can he have the right to do
that, right?
So, yes, brothers, any questions?
Yes.
That's a good point.
How do you remain an ideal father when
you only got...
You only get access to the children, you
know, few hours a week or a day
or two a week?
And again...
JazakAllah khair.
Again, it's a difficult conversation, difficult...
I don't have a solution because it just
depends on your setup now.
And we're not...
It's not like we have to now try
to rub it in that, hey, you made
some bad decisions, getting the wrong kind of
person to marry to, or you were the
wrong person.
That's not the point now.
Now it's just you do the best that
you can.
So whatever I said, there is no magic
to this.
Even when the husband and wife are together,
it's difficult.
When the husband and wife are not together,
and one is playing the other.
And a lot of times I've had it
where the father is trying to do some
tarbiyah, and he's being strict, and the mother
is indulging the child, giving them all sorts,
letting them wear what they want, go out
when they want, and then that just makes
them look bad.
You, again, the only thing that can help
you in that case is you do the
best that you can, but you still have
to show that you've got some ethics.
Because if you want to go down that
way, then the children have nothing, right?
Now they might not like it, they will
not like it.
They will not like the strictures that the
father or the mother, whichever one it is
in that case, will put up.
But ultimately with your du'as in that,
one day they will see the benefit.
It's just that sometimes you have to ride
the storm.
There are cases I've seen where the father
could not do anything.
If he tried to do anything, the care
workers or whatever would come in and stop
him from seeing them.
So now, what are you gonna do?
So you have to just be wise as
possible to try to do the little that
you can, and keep making du'a.
And hopefully your du'a will, inshallah, bear
its fruits.
So in a few years when they get
old enough and they'll understand, looking back that
yes, this was wrong.
Because ultimately everybody will realize, right, everybody realizes
when they get old enough where the mistakes
were made.
That it wasn't good for me to be
given so much allowance to do what I
wanted.
It's just a tough place to be.
But I don't have a...
There is no magic to this, right?
And I don't think anybody's got any magic
in that case.
Just do your best.
And if you do have specific cases where
you just don't know what to do in
that case, consult with somebody.
So I would say ask and get help.
Because there's a lot of other people in
the same case as you.
And inshallah the du'a keep the du
'as up.
Yeah, you had a question.
I can't answer that question.
It's too broad.
You understand?
I can't, you know, in a short time,
I can't answer general open-ended question.
Like how do I prioritize between my parents
who live with me and my children who
live with me?
Give me an instance.
Give me like a specific case scenario so
I can help.
Otherwise it's very difficult.
I can tell you what the technical aspect
is that in a sharia, our responsibility, interestingly,
let's just say a person has only 10
pounds.
Right?
10 pounds and people are hungry.
His parents are hungry and cost him 10
pounds to feed his parents.
Let's say 5 pounds.
Now he can either buy food just for
his children or just for his parents.
Who is it his responsibility to buy food
for his parents or children?
What do you guys think?
Can't hear.
Okay, who says father?
Put your hand up.
La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah.
Only one person.
Two, three.
Who says children?
Alright.
So yeah, that's right.
In the sharia, your children come first.
Understand?
Not to say you neglect your parents but
if it was one of those cutting-edge
options, you are responsible for your children because
they have only you.
Whereas your father may have somebody else or
whatever the case is.
Right?
So that's just a technical aspect.
In that situation, if you do, are in
that position, you just have to balance both
out.
And again, that just depends on the mizaj
of the father and the children what he's
doing and how because it's very difficult now
to determine everything.
If the father is constantly disturbing the scene,
what do you do?
Is asking for too much attention, you can't...
It just depends on what the issue is.
You see what I'm saying?
It's very difficult to give you a straightforward
just one word answer to that.
Verse 74 of Surah Al-Furqan.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ
وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا Another beautiful du'a in
the Qur'an is, رَبِّ جَعَلْنِي مُقِيمَ الصَّلَاةِ
وَمِنْ ذُرِّيَّةِ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَاعٍ Oh Allah, make
me of those who establish the prayer and
from my progeny.
And a guy who does that, he tells
me that, I was from a very strict
household as well, but he said that, I
used to still mess with my prayers, but
my children are much better at their prayers
than I am.
I think he says because of this du
'a.
No, to be a father, there are other
du'as as well, but these can't be
harmful because subhanAllah then you're inadvertently or indirectly
asking for children, so you can make these
as well.
And there's others as well as, رَبِّ لَا
تَذَرْنِي فَرْضًا وَأَنتَ خَيْرُ الْوَارِثِينَ And a number
of other du'as as well, right, so
I would make all of them.
You ask everything Allah, and I'm gonna just...
Yes, and then I'll answer you, because we
have to finish them, yes.
That is such an idealistic question, right?
Allah make it easy, right?
Why isn't your wife on the same?
Why did you not choose a wife that
was on the same?
I don't wanna be bad here, but why
did you not choose a wife that was
on the same level as you?
It has to start earlier, alright?
You have to find somebody that, you know,
what is your mizaaj?
What do you want?
What's your ambition goal?
Find somebody like that.
But anyway, that's done now.
Work on your wife.
That's why I said right in the beginning,
اپنی بیوی پر پہلے مہدت کرو.
Otherwise نہیں ہوگا.
اے پتھان کا بچہ ہے.
سنگ جوڑے.
ستار سنوندے.
MashaAllah, MashaAllah.
Tell him the دیر غدش.
MashaAllah.
Yes.
Look, just tell him to focus on his
wife.
So brother, if you're listening, let's make mahnat
on the wife first.
Because اس کے بغیر کام نہیں چلے گا.
Because if we don't sort that out, then
there's no way.
یہاں اس میں کوئی سحر نہیں ہے اس
میں.
Right?
It's just that we have to now make
effort because the father is responsible.
I talked about a father, remember?
But a father is also a husband.
That's another responsibility.
اس کی تو ہمیں بعد ہی نہیں کی.
Right?
But that's another responsibility is as a father,
as a husband, what's your responsibility?
So اس کے اوپر زیادہ محنت کرنی پڑے
گی.
And then inshaAllah and make a lot of
du'a to Allah.
That du'a I mentioned, وہ بھی پڑھتے
رہے.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ اَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّتِنَا قُرْوَةَ عَيْن.
Yes brother.
So a father's love.
اصل میں in our...
Love is expressed in different ways.
Okay?
And there's a lot of things I missed
out.
This is not a comprehensive enough talk, right?
So I probably missed that part out.
Everything we're doing here is for the love
of the children.
But direct love, where we literally give them
hugs.
And I think that was a big omission
on my part.
Right?
So thanks for bringing that up.
The father also should be giving the children
hug.
Right?
And should also show their physical love.
Because a lot of in our culture, the
love is shown through caring, tarbiyyat, being strict,
buying things for them.
But some people don't recognize that.
They think that their friend at school, their
father hugs them every day.
Or says, I love you.
And my father's never said I love you
in my life.
You understand?
So I think we do need to do
that now.
Right?
There was a culture where it did not
happen and it was not necessary.
Right?
I don't think I've seen the Prophet ﷺ
saying, I love you as such.
But he definitely picked up Hasan and Hussain.
We see more of that discussion.
Because now, you know, meaning his grandchildren for
sure.
So we do have that.
And the Prophet ﷺ used to even hold
them in salat and look after them.
So I think we need to do more
of that.
That's very important I think.
Because I think today it needs to be
reinforced.
Because there's others who do this as well.
And we don't want our children to feel
left out.
And we don't want our love to be
misunderstood.
As no love.
That is just too strict.
Because he keeps saying...
So JazakAllah khair for that.
Okay brothers and sisters, I would have loved
to have stayed for longer.
We've got another program in...
In Grimes Stort.
Wherever that is.
Right?
So inshaAllah we'll be going there.
But JazakAllah khair.
Allah bless this time that we had.
And Maulana Sahib, let me answer your question.
Next time, whole topic on that.
InshaAllah.
Yeah, make do.
I'm writing...
I've written a book on marriage.
But now inshaAllah, I said I'm not gonna
write a book on bringing up children until
my first son gets married.
Alhamdulillah, he just got married.
And inshaAllah about 40-50% of the
work is done.
So make dua.
Right?
And I've learnt from your questions today.
Okay?
JazakAllah khair.
BarakAllahu feekum.
Allah bless everybody.
And Allah Ta'ala accept from all of
us.
And Allah Ta'ala make this job easy
for us.
Ya Allah, ya Allah, make this job easy
for us.
Ya Allah, you have blessed us with children.
And Allah, there's so many people who don't
have children.
They're suffering.
Oh Allah, they are so anxious.
Oh Allah, they feel so deprived.
Oh Allah, now that you have granted us
children, grant them children as well.
And oh Allah, grant us children that are
the gladness and coolness of our sight.
Allow us to be truly the imams of
our families.
And make them mutakeen.
And make us the imams of the mutakeen.
Allow us to be their khadim.
Oh Allah, allow us to look after them
properly.
And oh Allah, make this job easy for
us.
There are so many challenges today, ya Allah.
Oh Allah, we also remember our brothers and
sisters who are being oppressed in Palestine and
other places.
Oh Allah, remove that from them.
Give them their dignity.
All of those children who have been killed.
Oh Allah, those children who are suffering.
Oh Allah, grant them sabr and steadfastness.
And grant them much better than what they've
lost.
And oh Allah, we ask that you keep
Islam in our progeny.
And you keep Islam and tawheed and risalah
and righteousness in our descendants until the Day
of Judgment.
And allow us to on the Day of
Judgment be satisfied with what we see.
Oh Allah, make this easy for us.
And bless all the brothers and sisters here.
Take this masjid from strength to strength.
Remove all of the difficulties and obstacles.
And allow us to complete all of our
projects with success.
And elevate your khalimah, la ilaha illallah.
And send your abundant blessings on our messenger,
Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam.
One of our brothers here who helps in
the masjid, one of the volunteers, his mother
has had a stroke.
Ya Allah, grant her stability.
Oh Allah, grant her to regain her health.
Oh Allah, grant her strength.
And all of those others who are sick,
Oh Allah, remove their sickness from them.
And oh Allah, oh Allah, we ask you
for assistance in everything.
Subhana rabbika rabbil izzati amma yusifoon wa salamun
alaikum.
The point of a lecture is to encourage
people to act, to get further, an inspiration,
an encouragement, persuasion.
The next step is to actually start learning
seriously, to read books, to take on a
subject of Islam and to understand all the
subjects of Islam, at least at their basic
level, so that we can become more aware
of what our deen wants from us.
And that's why we started Rayyan courses, so
that you can actually take organized lectures on
demand, whenever you have free time.
Especially, for example, the Islamic Essentials course that
we have on there, the Islamic Essentials Certificate,
which you take 20 short modules.
And at the end of that, inshallah, you
will have gotten the basics of most of
the most important topics in Islam and you'll
feel a lot more confident.
You don't have to leave lectures behind, you
can continue to listen to lectures, but you
need to have this more sustained study as
well.
Jazakallah khair.
Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.