Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – #parenting How to Be a Fantastic Parent
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Now that's our challenge in this world and you know, parenting is
essentially to help our children find their qualities and use them
correctly and find their weaknesses and deal with them and
control them and channel them properly. Now, that's one thing.
Okay, so we've got this theory of qualities, capabilities and
weaknesses. qualities are not always used. Well, if you've got
a Mufti or a university professor, top of the game, very smart, high
IQ.
You also got another person with the same IQ level, but he's gone
into scamming he's a top scammer.
You understand what? You know the top criminals they're not idiots.
They're very intelligent. They've just used their intelligence in
the wrong way.
hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen
wa salatu salam ala Island Murthy Ramadan and Eid Amin what are the
early or Safi although Rocco are seldom at the Sleeman Kathira Illa
yo Medina mother.
So absolutely honored to be in your midst.
But the problem is that my my job has become a lot more difficult
with the presence of martial law, a whole cross section of our
community.
So we have the elderly
martial law mashallah relaxing on the walls.
And we have
middle aged people.
We have
young adults,
we have the youth, which is I think that part is all relevant to
the topic. And then mashallah you've decided to bring your
children along
for something to do about parenting, Mashallah.
I don't know what you had in your mind when you bring your children
along.
Unless they just gotta sit there and just get bored. But it makes
my life difficult because, I mean, I'm not trying to throw you out.
But it's just very difficult to talk to four or five different
generations at one time and make it relevant, and not put somebody
to sleep. But we pray to Allah subhanaw taala to make it easy,
and let us begin. So as Monica said, we have, I can't possibly
speak about everything, in the hour or so with that we have that
is relevant.
Because parenting is literally the most difficult thing. It's easier
to get a job than to parent because even all the research in
parenting says that there is no one
method that is effective.
Everybody does research, you know, in all the universities and
elsewhere that they research, the best way the scientific way of
parenting, there is no single way of parenting that is effective. In
all cases, however, they've probably excluded the Islamic
Guidance, the general Islamic Guidance. Now in Islam, the way
Allah subhanaw taala guides us in some cases, it gives us very
specific guidance. For example, inheritance is very specifically
laid out in the Quran, this is how much so and so gets this is, um,
it's so and so gets, this person gets nothing. So it's very, very
clear.
But when it comes to, for example, how to rule a country, how to have
a political system, there is no one way mentioned. Likewise, how
to parent, there is no one particular method that's mentioned
with everything related to it. However, that doesn't mean we have
nothing. They Allah subhanho wa Taala has provided us a much
better system because it is difficult to have one system of
parenting, because we are from different cultures and different
backgrounds, different ethnicities. And not only that
every child including twins, you know, if you know a set of twins,
you will notice that they're actually both very different in
terms of their personality. Have you ever seen twins and they're
both very different in terms of it, but even though they were just
born literally a few minutes apart, or if that much, and from
the same parents they've had the same food, same nourishment, same
upbringing, but they they're very different. And the reason for that
is very simple and keep this in mind and inshallah if we can
understand this will benefit ourselves and will benefit our
children as well. Is one of the biggest
challenges of parenting is this right? So Allah has created every
single person here, right? What's your name?
Your name. You have a name right? So what's your name? Your Amazon
who's a little brother
is
Tennis. So Ramadan aniseh Newer
alias mashallah so Arma then Ilyas, and Anas de they and every
single one of us here is created with a set of qualities,
capabilities.
And we've also been created with a set of weaknesses and challenges.
Every single person here, every single human being, Allah gives
qualities and capabilities. And the successful people in this
world are those who recognize their capabilities. So then they
use it to earn money to live life to speak to people to make a home
for themselves and get through life and think they're successful.
The successful people of this world are those who recognize
their capabilities. Let's just see if we have any capable if we have
any successful people. Yeah, how many of us here think they're
successful? I'm gonna put my hand up.
Let it not just be me, please.
Okay, Mashallah. Mashallah, there's two people. So far, only
two people are successful three Hamdulillah. I don't mean, you
become like Bill Gates. That's not success. But what I mean by
success is Alhamdulillah, you're doing fine. You got your house,
you got children, and is going by, you know, with all the roughness
of the world, but he's going by, and that's what I mean by success.
I mean, he's successful. Otherwise, if you're not
successful, you're losers. Okay. Okay, that's a lot more. So the
few that didn't put their hand up, or are you losers, because that's
the opposite of being successful. So those who don't recognize their
qualities and their capabilities, whether you're good, you're good
with your hands, or your mind, or with your action, whatever it may
be. You know, that's how people do it. Now, while most people do
recognize their qualities, they don't recognize their weaknesses,
so they keep stumbling. They keep messing up, essentially, the most
successful person for this world and the Hereafter is the one who
recognizes their qualities and uses them what the qualities means
what you're good at.
And they recognize the weakness and they control it. What do I
mean by weaknesses? So imagine that you've got a family with
three or four brothers and sisters, four or five children
say, every one of them will be different, one of them will be
sharper than another one.
Right? The other one will be one will be laid back, one will be
ready for a meeting, whereas the other one will take five minutes
late. Okay, you can decide what you are. Okay.
I'm not here to judge anybody. I'm just saying this is the guy who's
sharp he may be he may get angry quickly, and the other guy gets
angry, less. One of them is willing to share his last suite,
and the other one is stingy. And what do you mean? He's got a whole
packet? Which one are you?
Right, you understand everybody's different. They come from the same
parents, but one of them will be stingy than the other, they're a
bit more protective over their assets. So everybody's different.
Now, that's our challenge in this world. And you know, parenting is
essentially to help our children find their qualities and use them
correctly, and find their weaknesses and deal with them and
control them and channel them properly. Now, that's one thing.
Okay, so we've got this theory of qualities, capabilities and
weaknesses. qualities are not always used. Well, if you've got
a Mufti or a university professor, top of the game, very smart, high
IQ.
You also got another person with the same IQ level, but he's gone
into scamming, he's a top scammer.
You understand what, you know the top criminals, they're not idiots.
They're very intelligent. They've just used their intelligence in
the wrong way. As I said scammers, you understand what I'm saying. So
just because you've discovered your quality doesn't mean you're
going to use it correctly. You could use it in the wrong
right? For example, if Allah has given you a lot of beauty or
handsomeness, and then you don't thank Allah for your beauty or
your handsomeness. But what you do is you use it in the wrong way to
basically do haram with then that's wrong. Right? So that's why
it's very important that parenting means that we first if parents
don't know how to figure out their own qualities and capabilities and
their own weaknesses, how are they going to find the in their
children? If they loses themselves, then they're going to
make their children loses and then unless they figure it out
themselves, so now the first our first job as parents at wherever
we are now even if you've got children who are 10 years old
already, let us figure out our capabilities. And Alhamdulillah I
think most people have, as they said, but have we figured out
our weaknesses, my weaknesses for food, my weaknesses for sleep, so
I miss prayers, my weakness
is for something else I commit haram, I fall into sin. Those are,
if we know our weakness, at least we can start doing something about
it. And we can help our children to understand their strengths and
their weaknesses. This is probably the way to sum up parenting. Allah
has given us that job. And this is like pruning you have if you're
into fall if you're into planting good
fruits and trees and plants and things like that, but you got to
Allah has given you a garden.
Now, you can let it overgrow. And let let let basically the weeds
take over, and they grow as they wish, or you can prune it and
clean it and do everything else that you need to do to everything
takes time now children have been given to us to prune properly and
not to be allowed to grow like weeds.
Some people just make life easy. They just take the grass off and
put artificial grass on.
It just makes life easy. Give them an iPad, that's the cheapest
babysitting you can get the only cost 200 pounds and it lasts for
like 234 years. And once the iPads on there mashallah, they'll
entertain themselves forever, and you can go and do whatever you
want to do.
That's like putting, you know, not looking after the ground. So
anyway, as I said, I can't, the variables are too much. That's why
they can't be one system. Because every individual is different. And
as a parent, you have to be different with all of your
children.
Each child is going to provide a different challenge, and we have
to be adaptive.
Now, we can only be Allah has given us the capability because if
parenting was so difficult that we couldn't do it, then Allah's words
would have been wrong. Now you can live Allahu nevsun Allah who's
Allah,
that Allah doesn't
make anybody accountable for what they don't have the capability.
That's why people like scholars like YBNL caveum Rahim, Allah said
that if ever a child goes wrong, or does something wrong, at some
level, the parents are definitely the ones responsible for it. I
can't blame the mothers for not teaching well enough. Ultimately,
it's my responsibility, find a better teacher, I can complain all
I like, but it's still my responsibility. Let me find a
better teacher than
it's my responsibility.
So
one very important, very important advice
is that we, our children need to be able to discuss, we need to
know what's going on in the mind of our children. They are ours.
That's our extended mind. It's who we take pride in. We need to know
what they're speaking about what they're thinking about what
they're being challenged by what they can't know, we're not saying
get into their mind, right.
This isn't a series of inception. Okay, for those who know
inception.
But what this is talking about is that at any given time, we need to
understand where what our children are doing. We need to be aware of
their friends, we need to aware of their likes and dislikes, and
assist them in finding better likes, and creating dislikes of
the right thing. And the phone is what creates a massive challenge
in this regard, because it is the biggest challenge. I think that
one of the biggest challenges that we have is the phone, which we'll
discuss a bit later. But if the most difficult children to parents
are the close books.
What I mean by close books is they don't reveal anything.
They don't reveal anything. And it's from my experience of dealing
with this is that it's too late by the time you actually find out in
many cases. Three of them left their faith in the last two years
closed books, said you didn't see it coming? No, we didn't see
coming, it was just too late. So if you do have a closed book
child, what do you do?
You're going to have to find some way to open up the book. If you
can't do it, the reason you can't do it is because there's become a
trust issue. They can't. They're just naturally very introverted,
or very closed or reserved, or very secretive, could be a
psychological problem based on something with other either we
have to change ourselves in a way that they open up because
ultimately they do open with somebody or otherwise find
somebody that will open up to
find somebody else, like a brother or sister or a friend and get them
in your contact and say, look, please find out about this because
you'd rather do that than before we lose them. So anyway, that's
what makes sense. So in sha Allah will give you time to ask your
questions. So I've got some I've got some
several bits of anecdotes, which I'm going to share with you today.
To give us a general idea, firstly,
some of us have not done it right from the beginning. And then we
realize when it's a bit late or when the going gets tough, the
best parenting is the one that's from a young age, that's for sure.
Because then we grow together. And the therapy is done in a way that
as they growing up, were looking after them. The best time to raise
up a teenager, if we're talking about teenagers was a decade ago,
that was the best time so that when they're teens, you've already
given them the input that they required, you've already helped
them find their qualities, and how to use them and their weaknesses.
The second best time is today. So we still have to do it, it's never
going to be not a responsibility.
Parenting cannot be left to a chance. They're not like weeds or
children.
The gamble is too great, and the stakes are very high.
Because then we've lost the part of us. Unfortunately, what happens
is that parents usually acquire their knowledge of how to parent
through trial and error. Gone are the days when everybody of your
extended relatives lived in the same area. And it was pretty
standard, there wasn't much changing in the world, there was
no technology.
It was the same old community that had been the same for a few 100
years. So everybody knew how it was done. The children expected it
that way the parents knew exactly what to do, the whole community
took part in the upbringing. But now it's become very difficult.
Because there are just so many different factors. So that's why
we have to adjust. It's such a challenge that in his constant
attention every day is a new, especially if you've not done it
right, then every day is a new challenge, we've done it right,
then the new challenge will come every few months, maybe they'll
always be a new challenge, we have to be just ready to be flexible
and to adjust. One of the biggest things that we can do for our
children is communication. The benefit of communication is that
they know what we want. And
we know what they want. And what I mean by communication is not
orders. Just do this, just do that. Communication means an
explanation, a discussion of why we do something.
Another thing that I want to bring up is Gone are those days when the
whole community was one and we brought it up. So what we've lost
is we've lost
a sense of community and belonging. So every individual is
for themselves. Because this, we call this individualism, which is
so difficult to find parents and children who still think like,
parents could have a business, but the children don't want to take
over that business unless they just have to sit and collect
money, then it'd be cool. And then they'll run it down the drain.
Right. But otherwise, it's so difficult to get parents and
children to think like why because there's massive cultural changes
that are taking place.
That's why parents have to upgrade themselves and update themselves
to think on another level, effective communication, there has
to be at least one parent in the house that the children can come
and literally speak about anything they want with, whether that be
homosexuality, it'd be
dysphoria of some sort, or gender fluidity, or whatever else it may
be that somebody in school is talking about, or somebody at home
is talking about. Because remember, children are exposed to
the environment at school, they're exposed to the environment
madressa, they're exposed to the environment outside when they go
shopping, when they see billboards, what their neighbors
are saying what the park, what the people in the park are saying, The
home has to be the filter. If there's no communication, and
there's no discourse, there's no discussion, then you never know
what's going on. And then they are good. They need answers to the
last somebody else.
So be open as open, at least one of the parents need to be the
open. Now. One thing that our culture deals with is that we've
got old practices that come from the villages or wherever we came
from. And for some reason, we think that they have to work right
now. That's how they used to do it. Why can't you do it like that?
Is because things have changed massively. It's just not possible.
The way the older generation thinks and the way the younger
generation thing is to levels No, but they should understand No,
they can't understand if you wanted them to understand, you
should have left them in the village and stayed there. Because
then everybody would have thought the same. Maybe still because the
globalization is taken over everywhere. You've brought them to
a different country, where, for example, if you're from a Gujarati
background, not everybody's Gujarati around you or not
everybody's Punjabi around you, or Kashmiri or Bangladeshi, or
whatever it is, right. There's different
things that you never heard of and your children are going to be
exposed to it. The clothing
style is different right they much rather have fish and chips than
they have funny booty
you know funny bodies
but I mean our Idris just said there is like money booty man old
anytime or efficient ships what what's you've already messed up
British culture very strong mashallah fish and chips over pani
puri, Baba bhelpuri
these guys think what the heck is built booty and pani puri? Like,
what is this kind of stuff?
So what I'm trying to say is that things have changed. But some
people think they're still in a village bringing up their
children, and then they lose their children. They don't realize why
things have changed massively, things have changed massively.
So new circumstances have emerged, which require new and creative
treatments, and responses.
And that's difficult.
We have to bring our children up
to be
proper leaders. When I say leaders, I don't mean leader of
the country, you can, but at least leaders of their family, why why
what are we bringing up because the biggest job we're doing with
our children is we're making them into adults so that they can also
run a family. That means they've got leadership. That's the
leadership, we need to tell them you are gonna have to look after
your family. How many times that we said that to our children.
Given the understanding, you know what, you're going to be a father,
you're going to be a mother. And these things are necessary.
We have to bring them up to understand leadership. And for
leadership, we need traits, there are leadership traits, right. And
what we mean by leadership is not this ambitious hunt for power as
everybody's trying to do today, but rather, developing people of
strength and courage, moral fiber, good caliber, ethics and other
qualities so that they can become active members of the society.
So as I was saying earlier, I, the point I was trying to make is that
before, you would be concerned if you did anything wrong, because
you felt that you were going to take your family down with you.
Like if you did something wrong, if I did something wrong, I would
be concerned that the Mangueira name would be criticized. It would
be blemished. Nobody cares about that anymore.
There's no sense of pride of your family.
As I said, Nobody thinks are like children, parents. What we have to
do we really have to bring this back end as best as we can. So you
tell your children that why you can't do that is you're a
Mangueira you can't do that. Right, your hand hands don't do
that kind of stuff. You give them a sense of greater pride.
You're a Roger, you can't do that. You know, you are
early by your number Patel's. I mean, they're too big. So I know
you can say Patel's, but you can say your Patel.
Manga is cool in it. Yeah. He's my relatives, my dad's cousin,
brother. But for some reason he became a paternal
if we give that or we are Muslims, we don't do that. That's really
amazing. You know why? When they go out and there's somebody is
going to give them a possible haram option. I'm not Muslim, I
don't do that. So Muslims don't do this. It's a bigger idea than I
can't do this because my dad said so.
Yes, it's because my dad said so. But it's also because Muslims
don't do this, you, you're adding a whole weight. Like if you're
talking Muslims don't do that. That's a much more important idea.
So give them that glory of being proud of who you are because of
good qualities. Really, that's what we need to do.
Another thing just random while I'm on this topic. Many of us want
our children to be certain in a certain vocation and say we want
them to be a doctor or an architect, or a Molana. Right? Or
a Mufti sob, or whatever it is, and that's fine. But don't tell
that that's why that's your end goal. The end goal of a Molana is
not to be a Maulana.
The end goal of an architect or a doctor just to be a doctor to make
a lot of money and buy a house in wherever and so on. That's too
reductionist and too restrictive and too lowly. You know, you
should tell them, I want you to change the world. I want you to be
a positive contributor to the world, you're going to become a
doctor. So being a doctor is part of this greater idea of helping
people changing humanity, being positive, being a contributor,
rather than a selfish doctor.
You're still going to become a doctor. You're still getting them
to
Become an acronym. But the reason they're going to do that is not
for a name. They're going to do it for a higher purpose.
It's just about changing mentality to have greater ideas. And it's
not difficult to do. Unfortunately, our homes have, in
some cases have degenerated to the level of being a hotel and a
restaurant where you get free food and freeboard.
The father's like that he's working works many hours. And then
after that, he goes to maybe a shisha lounge or his friends or
gets holed up in his room in a laptop. And then the food is there
comes to sleep. There's no interaction. That's not what a
home is, is a poor guy is 30 years old. And he's trying to refine
himself. He says, you know, I'm so so sad because my family, my mom
makes this big pot of food. But we've never sat together and
eaten. What do you mean, there's new mom cooks in the know, she
cooks, she puts a pot of food on the stove, we all come in and take
whatever we want, whenever we want. And we eat or we go like,
like, what they call a buffet system. And he feels bad about
he's 30 years old, he's married now. He he feels a sense of
deprivation. Because something eating together, up to a more
time. And the Prophet saw some even ate with children together.
There's something about it, there's ideas are exchanged in
eating food, opens up the mind, food opens up the heart. And
there's just something about food. So use that time use your food
time to discuss.
And, you know, while as difficult as it is, for me, it's easier for
my wife to ask how the day was for the children. But after I realized
I actually said like, Okay, how was it whenever I can, it sounds
weird. We're not used to it. And that's the challenge for a lot of
men that they're not used to asking these questions. No, like,
you have to force it. While in the same thing people say that you a
father should become become a friend. A father is never a
friend, meaning a friend is a different idea completely. Because
for a friend, you have to do what they do all the time. Right? So
you're still a father, but you're friendly to your children. That's
what I would rather push that you're a father, you're always a
father. You're never forget that but you can be friendly. And
that's the amazing thing is that one of the challenges that the
very religious have, right is that they think that keeping an iron
clad instruction and order and making sure that discipline is
well maintained and overly maintain that nobody can do
anything wrong. That doesn't work. That usually backfires, because
then it's a rigid system at home. It's okay if they're going to
school and that might be the case even that's bad, but at home,
where you're spending so many hours of the day, how can you be
so rigid? The prophets Allah Islam himself wasn't like that. The
Allah says hello Quinta for the unreliable pal bill and fog doom
in Holic?
That one home was still filled at home, or shall we room filled the
province that also has been told to inter Firstly, he was commended
and complimented that had you been tough and harsh, then the Sahaba
would have
scattered they would they would have dispersed they would not have
remained with you. Then still Allah subhanaw taala is saying
look, forgive them be pardoning, be forgiving,
and seek forgiveness for them and consult with them.
If we consult with our children to a certain degree, they'll actually
feel they're valuable.
Right? We consult with them, we have a an so what I would do is I
say, Look, I'm saying this, but you convince me otherwise, if you
want to do it another way. It doesn't always go down perfectly,
because sometimes
I said children are different. So you'd have one child who gets very
angry every time to get off the computer.
And he will see no sense you can give whatever beautiful argument
you want about why he should get off the computer. But for that
five minutes, he's so crazy that Junoon the insanity is gone to a
level that it doesn't understand anything, you'll come up with the
craziest responses, give him five minutes, and then talk to him
afterwards. Like oh, yeah, I get that.
We have to recognize our children as to how they are. And then you
get some children, if they get angry, they go off in a stroke for
five hours. You have to know how to deal with that. And that's the
same family, you'll get that.
How do we deal with that? Well, both we're gonna have to deal with
them differently.
I just mentioned other places one guy, he's has a lot of OCD
problems about whether he's done Cofer or not by certain things you
say whether his marriage is correct or not and stuff like
that. So I've dealt with quite a few people like that one of them
told me that I think I might be like that because my dad was so
strict, that if I like drop something or get in massive
trouble,
right, for example, you know, when you have cereal, have you noticed
is that sometimes the way you pour the milk and if it falls directly
on the cornflakes, it spills out, it rebounds and so have you
noticed that you have to be very careful now as adults, you kind of
figured out let me do it from the side or whatever the kid is always
doing
And I was like telling her like, why are you dropping the milk all
the time?
I can keep saying that all my life don't drop the milk. But the
reason I don't drop it, and he does, because I know strategy that
you do it this way instead. So then what you say to them is,
look, you know, the reason you're dropping is because the milk comes
out a bit too fast, it's quite heavy, right? And you have to
control it. And then when it falls on this flat surface actually
rebounds. So what you do is kind of, you know, tilt the bowl
slightly and do it to the side so that it doesn't, you know, like,
how do you fill a glass of fizzy drink without the fists going
over? And only a bit of drink?
Just tell them strategy
you got no time for strategy to do is like, don't do that. Figure it
out yourself. I know, I'm 40 years old. So I figured out but you are
seven you need to figure it out. It's not worth it. Just teach it
to them. So can you pour a cereal without dropping the milk?
What I'm saying is just think about it. Like, what is it? Why is
he pouring it? Does he want to pour it? Is he?
Is he losing things because of and some some, some are just more
scatterbrained than others. So it's just about trying to teach
them strategy. Somehow we have to get our children to ultimately
believe that we will be for them, regardless of the situation. If
they're done wrong, they might have to hear something. But
ultimately you are you love them, and you will respond to them.
And you're dependable. And ultimately you can provide an
answer. We can only become like that if we're going to be creative
in providing multiple types of answers. But if it's going to be
the same ones that they know, then they're never going to tell us.
For example, this children, they wet their bed until they're
789 1011 years old.
And unless you recognize so I know one person they said they didn't
use to turn them off too much. So somebody else why not? I mean,
shouldn't you be there 910 years old is still wetting the bed.
They figured out that they have a weak bladder,
or they have some other issue could be a medical issue. And
you'll keep banging on about it every time. Even though you've
done it for the last five years. It hasn't improved. So why tell
him off in the same way? Is it worth it? No, this, find out what
the issue is there could be other reasons and causes a kids I'm not
giving you the right to get your bed.
Okay.
But what I'm saying is try to understand why they're doing what
they're doing, rather than keep telling them to do it this way.
So we have to put a lot of time and money and effort in our
children because that is our investment.
Most parents don't take courses
of parenting. In fact, is there even a course in parenting?
Have you ever heard of a course of parenting? There's not that many
available? I mean, there's very few if there are, and most parents
don't, because historically, we didn't need to do so. I mean,
where do you find in the Sunnah that the Prophet saw some set up a
course on parenting or even later on, even 50 years ago. But why
it's become necessary now is because of the confusion, the
breakdown of family structure and communities. And everybody
scattered. And everybody is getting independent knowledge from
the various different things that they observe on TV and social
media and so on. That's why it's, I mean, a soap opera or Netflix
can't tell you how to bring your children up. That's just glamorize
sagas, that's
controversial, you know, extra ordinary ideas that they do just
to make people interested. That's not real life. That's why
parenting becomes necessary. Otherwise, what's gonna happen is
that you do it on trial and error. And then you mess up your first
two kids, and then you might be fine with your third kid, but
you've already missed that one or two kids, and you may have harmed
them beyond, you know, beyond repair.
That's why it's important to figure this out. So we've got some
parents, they rely solely on the instinct and common sense. Problem
is that it's a bigger challenge and common sense, because common
sense is based on our own experiences. We don't know the
future. We don't know if especially if it's our first
child, we don't know that if I tell them off too much in this, is
that right or wrong?
So you know, what's really beneficial? I think what's really
beneficial is to have a
collection, a group of genuine sincere friends, who all have
children, your age, your children's age, and share good
practices.
If you can't find a good because no course is going to provide you
everything. It's going to give you general ideas like I'm giving
here, but at least in that way, okay. My daughter, she's got this
issue. Yes, don't worry. I had the issue a year ago, but inshallah
it'll be fine. You know, because children go through things. For
example, as
young teens are growing up, they're discovering
for various different things about their body, their mind that when
they shift when they become burly, and they shift between being still
a child and no care for the future, to suddenly they're more
aware of their looks, of what other people are going to think
about them, about finding friends, and so on. It's a very, very, very
tough time. Now, as parents, we need to tell them this is going to
happen. Don't worry about it. We have to reassure them preempted.
It says we've had it so long ago, we don't even remember and we just
expect them that nobody told us so we shouldn't tell them. Problem is
that the world is a very nasty place right now for that, because
one in four teenage girls have a mental health problem.
Standard one in four girls have a have a mental health problem. Why?
Because the world is putting out to them a role model that they
can't follow that they want themselves, they have to look a
certain way, smell a certain way, be a certain way, and get certain
things a certain way, and they can't do it, it's too much. So
then they become mentally depressed.
So there's some common sense, which is usually outdated, because
when they were parented, it was a different world. If you're about
40, when you are parented, or 50, when you are parented is very
different from now. The world has shifted, like everything has
moved. So a lot of the stuff that some parents do, it's outdated.
It's no longer for this culture anymore.
They inherited from the inheritors, and they have this
romanticized memory about it. That's how it used to be
unfortunately, you know, it's not like that anymore. Right? So then,
they don't realize that parenting now has a different cultural
meaning. There's others who completely have taken up the
Western way of doing things, which is very different that they expect
that the child is going to leave home at 18. Muslims don't do that,
usually, right.
Some parents, they tried to fulfill their own unfulfilled
unfulfilled wishes through their children.
I couldn't be this, you better be this but the children don't want
to be that. May Dr. inhibin, Sikka, aka Dr. Banana, come
whatever, and you don't want to be a doctor.
And your parents are going to be really upset.
For example, right? It doesn't always work. You can't always
fulfill your personal wishes or what you could have done. If you
do, you're gonna have to work really hard from a young age. I
have to mention this, that there's some cultures. They wake up when
their children are marriageable age, marriageable age at 2122 23
and says no, oh, you have to marry your cousin.
What do you mean I have to marry my cousin, unlike my cousin.
But I promised you to his father and mother 20 years ago.
In some cultures, this is literally what it is. Right? This
is literally what it is. And hamdulillah Gujarati culture has
other issues didn't have this issue. Hamdulillah. You never
promised to anybody? I hope not anyway. Right.
And it's a really bad people have lost the Eman because of this.
Because the parents usually say you have to listen to your
parents. Allah said that's the only way they bring a line. namaz
and all of that. It's out of the window. But this is where you have
to listen to your parents.
I've seen blackmail. This poor girl, she got forced to marry
somebody. And her she didn't want to marry him because they were no
compatibility. But the reason she got blackmailed into it was that
her father was sick at the time. And I said, Look, if your father
has a heart attack, it's all going to come on you.
And then then she had one child, and she used to go to a Mom, look,
it doesn't this guy's a loser. It just just wasn't working. Mum said
have a child, then he'll wake up, had one child is still slept. And
then goes back, have another child. Three children, no change.
And finally she got out of the marriage.
And some have lost their faith. One woman she was talking she
called and she had a masala a question. Right? Very specific
question that only somebody who's focused on their faith would ask,
like, does this breaker NAMAs for example, I did this does it break
in? Am I correct? Well, the question was,
and then as we carried on speaking, she said she's married
to a non Muslim man.
That didn't sound right because that seemed contrary that she's
asking a very specific masala ruling. But she's doing such a big
thing as being married to a non Muslim man. I said, What's going
on here? So she said, yeah, about 2030 25 years ago, she was 40
years old. So about 2530 years ago, I was forced into marriage
and you
Pretty much I lost I left it, I left my faith, whatever I got
married to normalcy, but now I'm coming back. And I realized that
that wasn't Islamic that was cultural.
So one has to be very careful about these things. When parents
have lack of time, because you see if there's so much distraction in
the world, parents are going to be distracted as well. You've got
your football to watch. Before you can only watch football whenever
the game was on. But now you can mashallah watch whatever you want,
anytime, the highlights, you know, every day, five hours a day, no
problem, because it's always something available, right?
Because it's all on demand now. So everybody has that. So what we're
doing is we're delegating our parenting to babysitters to a
machine to an iPad or something like that, or school teachers or
relatives or television or computer games.
They can play a bit of that, but that should not be the easiest
way. It's alright, they'll be on the computer, don't worry about
it.
There are different types of parenting things. One is
authoritarian. Everything has to be regimented as though you're in
the army, nothing can be off. That's very difficult. You're
going to create kids that are like obsessed. OCD doesn't always work.
People make mistakes, you have to take it easy, or be. So that's
authoritarian or Eddie dictatorial. Parents demand
obedience and severely punish any disobedience.
Then you have those which are just authoritative, not dictatorial.
parents expect their children to be responsive to the demands, but
they are also responsive to their demands. It kind of works both way
that look, we want things with some authority, but there's a give
and take and there's more understanding of why things are
the way they are.
These are the parents who explained the rules. Clearly not
just rules, but they explain why they wonder what's the benefit of
the rules and what's the harm in not following the rules. And they
provide well considered reasons for rules and regulations. If we
can give our children good rules like for example, if I tell what's
your name,
alias Ilyas Have you got an A color who really read you know
what color is
an anti
you know one of those All right, the really cool people. You got to
color or not?
You either have or you don't? I mean, there's no one laughing
about it. What is it? You have a color or not? Man?
Do you have an auntie?
Do you have an auntie that really likes you and gives you a lot of
stuff? Everybody has one of those and hamdulillah they're so
beautiful Allah bless them, whoever they are. Right? So you've
got an auntie like that right? Now imagine the next time you go to
her house and you ignore her. Because you want to go and play on
the PlayStation that your cousin has a new just go in. You don't
even say Salam to you just go and run? Is she going to feel good
about it? Is that good? What you just did to her? No. Right? So
that's why we make them us. You know why we do the maths. Because
Allah has given us everything that you have everything. And only once
he's been so kind to us. The food you get the parents, you have the
clothing, the warm house, everything, the fact that you're
even in this world in the first place. What he wants is us to pray
five times a day, fast in the month of Ramadan. Is that too
much? I imagine if you don't do that, is he going to be happy with
us? Is that even good for us to do that kind of stuff to an ante? And
then thus to Allah like that? No, right? So that's it. It says
hardly anybody explains the mass. Like that. There's like no mass,
bro. You have to pray otherwise you're going to be punished.
If we can get our children to be conscious of Allah, our job will
be easy. And the way to find out if our children are praying for
us, or for Allah is very simple.
Do they pray when you're not around.
When whether they pray late or early, they've got a consciousness
of it. And if they don't, then forget about telling them to pray,
work on developing their relationship to Allah and praying
for that reason, then your job will.
They can be anywhere. And if you tell them we as Muslims under is
because we are with Allah, you've given them the identity is very
important.
Remember, a domineering attitude is not the same as training
somebody.
domineering this means that you're just forcing people to abide. But
training is what we're supposed to be doing without you're retraining
them. Training means you're finding their weaknesses, and
you're trying to sort them out and turn them into strengths. And
you're getting them to recognize their strengths. Again, it goes
back to what I said at the beginning.
You have to remember the lack of attention given to skilled
parenting is equally responsible for the serious emotional and
psychological deprivation in young children.
The reason why there's so much rage out there among
criminals, people who go into crime who go into these, why does
somebody from a comfortable home with loving parents who are
considerate and have a good day? Look, why would they get into
drugs?
So I spoke to somebody, why do kids get into drugs? One for
money?
Number two, for some clouds, number three, so they can belong?
These are multiple reasons. If parents are providing all of that,
and they're satisfied, why would they get into drugs? They'll think
twice, thrice, four times about it.
We have to know what are children. And I think, if I can leave you
with one advice is that keep your children busy.
Your child can be going to school, then University in the morning, or
madrasa wherever it is. And so if you're going to school, let's just
say when University in the evening going to some madrasa or in class,
whatever it is, and in the weekend, you're giving them some
job to do, where they're working and making some money, and they
literally have no time to waste, then why do you might feel sorry
for them for doing so much work. But that's their youth years
protected, because they, once they beyond the years of youth, they're
less willing to take silly
risks and make silly mistakes and get into the wrong crowd. You've
protected them, keep them busy. But for that, we're going to have
to really think of how to keep them busy.
And that means we have to come up with ideas to keep them busy.
Parenting can make or break a family, not just a family, a
society and a full civilization.
We encourage I mean, we're encouraging parents to think of
the bigger picture when you're parenting is not just about your
child, it's about the whole society that your child is going
to contribute to, and we're going to contribute to this is a very
big idea.
You have to also remember that if children are going to be raised in
a lot of in a state of fear, that they're always worried about when
their dad comes when their dad comes in, they go to another room.
When they come into the house, they fear of the moment that they
just go and hold themselves up in the room. If you've got a child
who'd rather be outside with his friends, then comfortable in the
home, or if he's in the house, he wants to be holed up in a room
with the door closed on an iPad, then you've got a problem for
sure.
That's 100% You got a problem?
Why should children not feel good about sitting with the families
you know, sitting because there's nobody discussing there's nobody
giving them something worthwhile.
But remember, if a child is raised in a state of fear and oppression,
they will become afraid to take risks, and will be afraid to make
decisions because they've not been allowed to do that. They've been
punished on every week, every mistake they've made, you know,
after observing many people who came out right afterwards, when I
see a child telling me that he messes up, he messes, he gets in
trouble at school every now and then I think martial arts guy is
going to do something good.
He's going to be a bit of a risk taker and inshallah if you do
proper tarbiyah he'll be actually willing to be a mover and shaker.
So I don't write off children who mess around a bit.
There's two different types of messing around one is innocent
messing around child smashing or messing around. And the other one
is evil.
It comes from a place of evil shaytani ads. If our children are
learning shaytani like an evil that is a problem. But if they're
just messing around let them mess around a bit. Not too much. They
have to get discipline there's one kid is always getting in trouble
at school.
Right innocent messing up, but he gets in trouble. Parents saying to
him like what's wrong with you? If you want to mess around? Be smart
about it?
What else are you going to do? Tell him not to mess I still wants
to mess It's Okay to be Smart. Because he says Actually, it
wasn't me. It was my friend. I said it afterwards. Yeah, but why
did your friend not get caught? And you did?
Because you're a little show off? Maybe.
So you want to mess around? Then Macedon in a way you don't call
them
don't mean shaytani that mean? Like a little you know, people
want to mess around a bit. I said You're silly. That's what I would
tell him right? Like your city, your big city. If you want to mess
around, do it in a way that you can have your little and don't get
caught about it.
I mean, that doesn't work all the time. I don't want to give you bad
ideas. But I'm saying that sometimes children just don't stop
so then you tell them okay, at least do it in a way that you
don't get in trouble. Sadly is that will stop them from doing it
half the time. But yeah, I've seen a magazine or when you go through
madressa boarding mothers or you see a lot of kids that used to
mess around and now Masha Allah, they are big Imams, the big
scholars, they are doing so much work for the community and they
weren't messing around with their mothers.
So a lot of promise people have had
During law, they can become good people. Right? You don't have to
be a saint from in your there's a few people like that it's the
saints from birth. Mashallah. But not everybody's like that. Right?
There's people who've gotten in trouble also struggle hamdulillah
they become successful people afterwards. So don't write off any
child, you just have to work and get them. Right. It's just another
challenge, right? Parenting is the most rewarding, stimulating and
ultimately pleasurable experience one ever will go through, but it
can be the most demanding, you know, feminists who are against
having children, because they said that that was going to disturb
your progress. If you have children, you have to worry about
children. You can't go to work, your occupation, your career, when
those same feminist from 2030 years ago, became 40, divorced, no
children, they're complaining now they realize they were wrong.
They're feeling alone.
That's why parenting, the reason is rewarding if you do it, right,
is that when you get to that age, finally, and that's why I do it
earlier, because you'll be fresher to do your tarbiyah than when you
have children, when you're 3014, you're too tired, then they'll
walk all over, you maybe do it when you're young and more
vigorous, right? The culture, you know, you go to a school in the
morning, drop your kids off, most of the Muslim parents are young,
20 year old girls, 20 year old women. And you see a lot
unfortunately, a lot of the numbers when they're like 30, and
40.
Because they just start later, because they were more worried
about their career.
Just remember, good character is rarely a product of chance.
Rarely is it like just something that comes about even if you
didn't try. Good character is always the result of happy homes,
stable environments, committed parents and good tarbiyah. So for
example, I've been hedged multiple times in a group of like three,
four or five 600 people. And it's interesting how humans are an out
of everybody who are like, just standard, you'll see one or two
people, they stand out, why do they stand out? They have some
amazing character. They just different.
They are just special. They're not our limbs or anything. They're
just very special people. And you see that, mashallah, they just got
things right. And then you get speaking to him multiple
occasions, I've gotten to speak to them, and I find out that it's
because their father or grandfather was this special
person, you can see the tarbiyah. Now remember, anything that you do
to your children is going to have impact and repercussions all the
way down in your generations. You have grandchildren yet? How many
10 grandchildren? Now those 10 grandchildren are all yours.
They're yours. They're not a show of churches or, you know, they're
not as easy as they're yours. Is there any stopping those 10
grandchildren from having their own children now? No, will be gone
and they'll carry on and they'll multiply Inshallah, you got to and
they're gonna multiply, right? Soon they're going to be 100 and
will be long gone. But on the day of judgment, you will come up, and
you'll see in front of you, maybe hundreds or 1000s I think these
are all your children.
Think about it that way. So you know, in your parenting, I'm not
parenting just for my children. I am parenting for my descendants.
And I'm scared because the way I want my children to be I want them
to want their children to be and their children to be and when I
see this some you know really great person and then the
grandchildren have messed up some and like Subhan Allah only Allah
can protect, but you have to have that vision. And every dua in the
Quran that is about children is not about children. It's about
progeny
is the real problem. I mean, as far as you know, other Reja Tina
Robitussin Nemo ki masala durian Realty Allah is telling you don't
just pray for your immediate children, pray for your
descendants. Why not?
Why not. But for that it's a bigger job now, right? I want all
my grandchildren to be a certain way, I'm going to have to do
proper therapy of my children. So I can increase the chances. And
for me to do therapy of my children, we're going into a whole
different subject. I don't want to open that up. I better find the
right wife.
And if I'm on the right wife, then I better start before I find my
wife.
Now, you might think, Well, I've already got a messed up husband or
wife. What do I do now?
You do the best that you can. People have changed. For example,
you've got a mother in law who oppresses her daughter in law.
So you find out from the mother in law, why do you oppress your
daughter in law? Like honest, because my mother in law did
that's how she did it to me. So that's why I'm doing it. So you go
and ask her mother in law she's still alive. Why do you do Why did
you do that? Oh, because my mother in law did that. So you she's
dead. So you go to her grave and say why did
You do that?
Why did you start this sooner? I said I didn't start the sooner my
mother in law did that as well.
Come on, man, you're gonna have to stop there.
So tell the last one you stop that so that you don't have to continue
this bad sunnah. You be the new one. To start a new center for
your descendants think of children as more than children, its
descendants. Its descendants. Right? That's the most important
thing that you can think of and that will keep you up at night.
How do I make that happen? But if you have the concern you can ask
Allah then he's willing to give will be gone. Walla who yet will
la sala him you know I was once we have moved the model for Hussain
Sahib. He was the martyrdom of the DAR loom work of Sauron poor. This
was in 1999. His father was mana Yeah, he is.
Right mana? Yeah, he is a big Mufti of Dhanam Santa Paula.
Hello. I was a proposer had this move the model for sub.
So it was his father's name? Yeah, here.
They were mistaking his name. Once we were in his match list, and he
said that my father left nothing. When he died. He would give us
like Abu Bakr Siddiq, or you know, like, giving away everything and
not keeping any just taking enough money to survive. So somebody
asked him
What are you going to leave for your children? He said, I've tried
to make them Saudi him. righteous people. God fearing and Allah says
Wallah who Yetta Wella sorry him. Allah takes care of the Salah him
so I've done my job, Allah does the rest. And mashallah, that's
it. That's your descent. So, unless we think far,
far into the future, we're going to think it's just about me and my
wife and my child. It's not about that. It's a much bigger idea.
It's a much bigger idea. So much bigger idea. You know, I have
several friends from different countries that are Sayid's. There
are Sharif Sayed, which means family of the prophets of Allah,
some descendants, and there's a quality in every one of them of
generosity and other quality, open heartedness and generosity. I've
seen that in multiple countries, they all say you, right, Indians,
Jordanians, Pakistanis, their proper see it's right. And they
all have a certain quality. This comes down.
I have seen families where there's no Alim in the family. And now
mashallah, the way they've made it is that
all of the next generation is all half is now. There was not a
single person who marry any hamara condom. Nicole alumnado, Hafiz
Vinita. And now everybody is that tradition is going to carry on
what tradition you need to make changes. One family I know none of
the women used to wear hijab.
Right? It wasn't a tradition. One of them went to become an Alima.
She came back with a niqab forget hijab. Everybody protested, like
you care hoga Alhamdulillah most of them now are fully covered. You
start it off, you change the next generation, but it's a big job
it's a big job that's the that's why people lose out they all have
this idea but we lose out or at least you know now so anyway, I'm
going to stop here is what a lot of disparate thoughts to just get
us to think how important this is, and some ideas to put into motion.
Remember, let our children find their qualities and their
weaknesses and let's prune them and get them to become the leaders
of the next generation and our descendants to be wonderful people
in sha Allah. Okay, your questions?
How can we create love and nurture among siblings
Allahumma Salli ala Sayidina Muhammad make a lot of dua to
Allah subhana wa Tada and keep reading Allahumma Elif bien Kulu
Bina wa salam ala Dube, Nina, very powerful door, whenever I've had a
little misunderstanding with somebody, you read this to our of
Allah resolve that which is in our hearts, and reform, the whatever
the issue is between us and it's amazing, it works very well. So
number one, keep making dua for them. And then basically, I think
from a young age, we need to give them an understanding you need to
we don't want to make them each selfish competitors. Only healthy
competition is fine. So there must be a reason why they're at each
other. So it's completely fine. By the way, for younger boys or girls
to have a bit of banter or a bit of fighting, it's fine.
Right? That doesn't mean you go out and do it.
It's fine. It's healthy for them. They need somebody to vent their,
you know, their energy, expend their energy on or something like
that. So that's completely fine. But it's when it becomes
if they can't make up and they find after five minutes, then
that's a problem. So some of it is completely natural. But if they
are each other and they stop talking to one another, and all of
that, then you've got a serious problem and then you have to find
out why.
That's the question now. It may be very bitter what you discover or
you may not want to think about it. Do you do that to others?
Do you stop speaking to people? Do you speak bad about people and
shun them and abandon them and stop speaking about them? Where
did they learn to do that from?
We genuinely have to ask that question once my kid came back
from school and he said, He's not talking to a certain friend, I was
like, where did you learn to do that? We never stopped talking to
anybody. Where did you even learn that that kind of thing exists?
Obviously learned from another friend, we said, we don't do that
we deal with the matter. You got an issue with somebody? Let's just
deal with it. Let's say what it is that's sorted out. Or let me ask
you, how old are you?
How old?
You are nine years old and you?
You're 10 years old? What's your name again?
Ilya sub so Ilyas? Do you have anybody in your class at school or
in your school that kind of bothers you a bit every now and
then a little bit bothers you sometimes. Sometimes, what do you
do about it? Change the subject to give a clever answer or something
like that. So if you want him to stop bothering you, you know, the
best way to do is have you ever tried this you can try this is
make dua for him. That Oh, Allah, this guy bothers me a bit. Yeah,
Allah sought him out and me out, because you've got the next two,
three years to spend with him, right? So rather than every time
trying to deal with it, just make that dua, and inshallah that will
work.
So anyway, we need to first find out why they why they have so much
animosity, is it because of us, then we're giving them a bad
model, then we have to teach them not to be like that. I think if we
give them the understanding, you must defend one another. And
again, a bit of it is fine, as long as they come out of it. And
then we get them to maybe give gifts to one another. We tell them
how to go beyond the acrimony in the hearts. And one beautiful way
of doing is making that door number two, if you have this with
anybody, it gives them a gift, you literally go beyond yourself to do
something good for them. We teach them how to deal with the anger of
the heart and get beyond it. Again, these are just some ideas.
May Allah put blessing in him?
What is suitable age to speak about RSE with our children, I
want ideas what do you think?
Nine or 10?
In some cases, seven, it just depends on what they're exposed
to. And I think you should figure out what actually you can ask some
innocent questions, some probing questions and if you find out they
already know because believe me, you know, you might pull out your
children from Rs e classes, the proper ones they do the weird ones
they do. And then the so you keep them at home the next day you go
there and their friends have told them everything secondhand with
masala
right. So that's why it's important that you bring this up
the best way to do it when it's very difficult for parents who
speak about this. But if you can, it's okay is to organize a class
for with the local Imams or masjid for teenager classes. Or there's
actually now decent small booklets written for coming of age, we're
going to have a lecture coming up very soon on. So I did it. In
fact, the last week it's going to be put up on zum zum. Academy soon
on literally coming up of age and what that entails. From the ages
of I would say nine to 14. That's when the major changes happen. So
I think it's very important. A lot of the RSC stuff is involved in
and it has to happen. We can't say that they should be blinded of
this fact, because they're going to learn about it.
So if it is ever brought up at home, like what does that mean?
Just explain in a
in a formal kind of way what it is without dismiss a don't think
about that. You could say, Look, this is how much we know we don't
think you'll understand when you grow up. You can say that, but at
least give them something to go by. Right. So what I did last week
in Berkeley was that I mentioned how to say these things. I don't
want to go through the whole thing right now. But that just gives you
an idea of how to speak about it because you're embarrassed
usually, but you can speak about it.
How can we note okay, we did that one? How can parents discuss the
topic of intimacy with teenagers when they themselves have been
shamed and never talked regarding the topic?
I think I just answered that question. Right. Parents will
inevitably different issues. How should they handle such matters in
the presence of their children as it can come across that they are
unaligned? Yeah. So look, you can't always be 100% on the same
wavelength as your partner. Right? That'd be really weird. If the if
you were it's very difficult, then it'd be a boring life. Right? So
it's fine to have some differences of opinion. As long as you
generally agree on the big ideas, you have to be on the same
wavelength. If you're not You better work on that. If you aren't
any major disapprovals you do that privately not in front of the
children, right? Otherwise, it's fine if they can see a healthy
kind of to and fro trying to say no, we should do it this way. We
should do it this way. And then finally, you agree with the you
know with the spouse or she agrees with you or either way, then the
children will understand that that is fine. I don't always have to be
right
So if the father is always going to make himself out to be right,
then the sons gonna think they have to always be right. And the
women are gonna think that women are never right. Or we can't be
right, even if we think so that's gonna cause major psychological
problems later on. Do you understand? So I think it's fine
to have a difference, but just have it in a
in an understanding way, while providing your arguments. So just
try to be less authoritative, and more discursive when you're
discussing this kind of stuff. So the children can see healthy
discussion. There's nothing wrong with that. But any major issues if
you do have them, and you need to have them, then take that away,
don't do it in front of the children as as far as possible.
How do you encourage girls to adopt the hijab from a young age?
Well, I guess what we we can do is to talk about the importance of
modesty runs in it, you must cover, we talk about the
importance of modesty, or why they need to cover why women cover in
the first place. And we show how other women covered and if we've
read them good stories, then that will come about in there as well.
There may come a time, eventually, the biggest challenge to covering
is usually the fact that their friends aren't covering. That's
usually the biggest challenge I would say or their cousins aren't
covering or people of the age aren't covering. That's why it's a
good idea to have children. Or one of the biggest issues that we have
right? In this disparate society we live in
where community has broken down is that if you are a practicing
person, with your family, and around you, and even your cousins
are not practicing, that is the most difficult way to bring your
children up. Because you have to visit cousins, they do everything
and you don't let your children do anything. It just sounds very
depriving. So what we really need is to find families that think
alike, and become friends with them, and then visit one another
so that they can be reinforced. I've seen this, that is a young
girl, and she's like, why should I do this, she's the only one. She
is the only practicing Muslim as such Alhamdulillah when they went
to this kind of a family event where they saw others that oh,
okay, it's not just me, I'm not the odd one out this others and
they were very uplifting, and very empowering lectures that were
taking place, literally, that has to be done. So anything that can
be done within our youth facilities, that literally try to
encourage that so that they see others doing the same thing, it's
just much easier for people to do what they see others doing, rather
than feel odd when out. So if you are in a family where everybody
else doesn't cover and you do, it's going to be very, very tough.
So you have to find other people to do it.
I mean, which ages I would probably say I don't know is it
encouragement from you know, to practice and so on, if you're
doing it properly, they'll probably want to do it but I think
when they become VALIC then it becomes necessary. But before that
age of 910 11 at least nine if possible, it just depends on if
they're small, the bigger in their body or whatever, there's a lot of
factors that are involved in that. So whenever you think that they
should actually start doing it because now that you know becoming
a woman as such, then after that you need to encourage it more and
make it a bit more emphasized and assist them and help them and
speak to them about it.
Father has hit mother and abused in front of a two year old many
times and it's affected his behavior how can you undo this to
help the child who is now three look what's done is done you need
to just sort yourself out so that that can be erased Alhamdulillah
Allah has given the plasticity of the mind which basically means
that you don't have to be scarred for life
Alhamdulillah Allah has created the mind as a wonder they
literally the brain studies and is not some really good books on the
study on this subject, you everybody goes through a quite a
significant change in their brain structure and the way they are as
human beings every 10 years.
Right? So just make it right, stop crying over that and really tried
to overcompensate for this and inshallah that will be erased with
dua to Allah subhanho wa taala.
In my area mothers are not great. My child is seven has been taught
at home until now, but I am aware of the benefits of mothers I can
give what to do.
Make a mother asop A new one that's really fivestar I mean, I
don't know what to do.
I mean, some of these questions I can't answer. I mean, if you don't
have another son, you might have to go to an area where there is a
good mother. So if that's not the case, find some like minded
people. I mean, unless you're just over the top and you think
madrasahs are bad because you want it. I've had parents like that and
I'm not blaming you for that whoever you are anonymous, right?
I'm going to make fun of some of these viewers. That's okay,
because I don't know who they are. Right? Just to give a bit of
humor, but I don't mean it. Okay, so Mr. Anonymous or Mrs.
Anonymous, whoever you are. Allah bless you
I've given you some doors as well. Right? But sometimes some people
are over the top. No Islamic school works for them. I said that
one. Now I'd probably in that one that one down. Come on everything
must be the problem with you now.
And again, I don't know. Right? So you really have to think what I
would say is that if the owner mother says problem, then find
some like minded parents because there must be somebody else who
also thinks their problem and you start a new madrasa.
Find a place, find some really cool teachers, pay them very, very
well. And then and then maybe start a new mattress and say this
is state of the art. This is not a Joe Bloggs madrasa.
And you have to, I mean, there's no magic about this. And I give
that genuinely what you're saying. And it's possible that, you know,
the madrasahs aren't very well. But I mean, it can't be that bad,
Kenny. But if it is, then start a new madrasa.
It's not going to come to you, you'll have to start one
or go out to another area. How does one deal with a child who
does not follow instruction as easily angered? I think I've
discussed that. I think No, I haven't. What we need to do with
any of this type of question is we need to first find out why they
are the way they are. There must be some reason, they may be very
bitter reasons for that, that we, you know, is it from us, we get
very sensitive. So they've learned to be sensitive, I don't want to
blame the parents all the time, because sometimes they can learn
it from their friends. So we just have to discuss with them that
it's not worth doing that. And you might you're not going to get an
overnight change. But once we carry on calmly, patiently
discussing this, hopefully they'll come out of it, they'll grow out
of it. You know, there's a massive from the time that the you know,
from the babies to when they're about 2523 24 years old, there are
going to be major changes. And sometimes they just need time with
reinforcement. You can't change it overnight.
How can we equip our children to be confident in their religion to
be able to interact with non Muslims at school in the current
climate, a crisis in Gaza.
The way you do that is you have good solid discussions. make them
proud of their faith that look, this is the way we do this, and
this is wide, that site is wrong. And then we make them comfortable,
we tell them to be careful about the way they
carry them, otherwise they'll be taken to prevent. So you have to
make sure that they do it in a way that they are confident but
cautious and careful and they know their boundaries.
How can we explain to children when parents don't live together
and help them cope with the emotions of losing the family
unit, you need a psychologist for this? I don't have a proper answer
for this. I've not considered it enough, I can give you some
guidance. But that's that's maybe
I think the basic thing I can say is you just talk about the
reality. But I would really encourage that you don't don't be
a malicious mother or father, in the sense that you are trying to
deprive your child of the other parent that is haram. Very, very
wrong, very detrimental. You might make you feel good that you've got
one over the other. But it's very bad and it's increasing.
Right? It is absolute selfishness and narcissism. And you shouldn't
be doing that is very bad for your children. If that's what you're
doing, you know, most people don't do that in sha Allah. So then you
have to just say, Look, we had a bit of an issue, and this is
what's happening. But I would recommend you get married again, a
pair a child needs both. Unless you've got good sharing custody,
usually the mother has the primary care, but the father should have
good access and sufficient access. Right? Well, I mean, there's a lot
more confusing possibility of the man is that if the father is a
loser is not really involved in that's another issue. Try to get
married again, if you can. That's very, very important. Otherwise,
if you can't do that, then at least have your own relatives like
your brothers and sisters have close connection. Because your
child needs both the mother and father. There was an interview
done with a woman who was brought up by two women in a modern way of
two women. I don't mean co wives. Right, one man with two eyes. I
don't mean that. I mean, two women he was brought up by she was
brought up by and she said it's not the same.
It they're both wonderful women, she said, but it's not the same,
you need that. And there's a lot of studies that show that when
children don't have both sides, there's instability in that
relationship, because just natural phenomenon for us to be covered by
both father gives something the mother gifts, something else, one
parent can't do both. Get some help Allah to make it easy for
you.
How will a child be affected where they're in? Where there is
domestic abuse in family, where the husband is harsh to wife and
speak bad? I guess you if you already know then you know.
Right? I can't answer that question is just going to be very
bad.
A few days ago, last week, there's a female teacher who who teaches
the Alima class of teenagers. So third, fourth year, whatever it
is.
They were having
Good conversation. And it turns out that the majority of the girls
in that class said they don't want to get married. It's like why? Why
do you want to get married? Men?
Did she say, men?
Men can't be trusted.
Men are liars.
Right? So she's prodding more like, What do you mean by this?
said, I'll never marry any guy who's on social media.
She's seen the worst of it, I guess, right? Of what people do on
social media. So then the teacher asked, Do you have social media?
Yes, I do. But I'm gonna get off it now.
That hamdulillah right, they figured it out. Now, my question
when I heard that was, why do they think all men are messed up?
Because all men are not messed up. Okay. Because if that was the
case, I mean, that would be very sad for you. Right? How would you
feel about that?
You won't be able to I mean, men are like, Yeah, I want to get
married. But girls don't feel comfortable about that. And it is
a problem. Feminism is to blame for a certain amount of that.
Because say, you know, you don't need men and so on that, but it's
not fully that.
There's somebody I know who within five, six homes from his house,
there's three Muslim families who have 14 year old daughters who are
not yet married. It is a big issue. Okay. And there's multiple
reasons for that.
So one could be an element of feminism. However, the other
bigger issue. The other issue is, is the way people are parenting.
There is a lot of
discrimination against girls in our families.
Boys are mollycoddled. They are brought up to be pampered. And
girls have to do all the work. And
just a week or two ago, they said that there was a girl who is
considering changing agenda to a boy, why somebody got to speak to
her like, why do you want to do that? Said because my brother gets
all the favors in the house. I don't, I'd rather become a boy.
Can you see what our some cultures are worse than others. There's
some cultures who make the girls do everything. And the boys are
pampered. They don't even have to make their own bed, the mother
will do it or get the sister to make it. All the food breakfasts
everything, the guy doesn't know how to tighten a screw. He doesn't
know how to let guests in. He doesn't know how to pay a bill.
And he's just on his Playstation. Or he's just studying. But then
they've got the girls studying as well. And they still have to do
all the homework. I'm not talking about the permissive study, not
study, just saying this is the reality. It says if the boys get a
lot more pandering than the girls do. And that's a problem.
What we need and this is an important point is what we need is
we need to create such a family that your daughter can look at her
brother and say that mashallah he's such a good guy.
That I would like my husband to be like that.
The model that you're providing? I'm so sad about that, that those
group of girls, which may be representative, a bigger issue in
other places as well, right.
So I asked the question to this teacher, I said, But what about
the What about her parent, her father, her brother said, one of
the girls said that my father has been beating up my mom for the
last, what? 20 years. And she just takes it.
She just hates men, because that's what all men are like in her mind.
And this is the big issue that we're going to have to solve
because this is a very cultural issues in some cultures.
If you beat your women up, you're really messing up the next
generation. That means you want all of your grandchildren to do
the same. When I first got married, and a friend of mine got
married, he's a Maulana as well. Some months later, he called me
said Montana, I hit my wife. Like he shocked. And he's
disgusted by what he did.
So I spoke to him and everything Alhamdulillah since that he's
never done it again. But why did he do it, then? All I can think of
is because he's seen his father do it. So he thought that's the way
to lash out. That's the way to react in an anger.
So if you've seen somebody do it, you will do the same thing. It's
not the way to do it. In fact, I believe that you don't even have
to hit your children. I mean, it may even be illegal and that
stuff, but if you know a lot of people, they think that they have
to beat their children up to get them to do stuff. That's the that
was seen as the last resort before anyway. Right? You know, even
Traditionally, when people used to hit, the way you do it is you just
frown.
You just taught or frown. That's the first stage. If that doesn't
sort them out, then you give them a stern look or a stern word
To select second level, the third level, if that doesn't work is you
say, Okay, fine. You can't play for one hour or you can't do this.
So you can't do that. Right? If that doesn't work, okay, you know
what, you really need to just go into that corner or that room, you
can't play with everybody else. And just think why. Reflection,
you understand? If you use these stages, you will never have to get
to the highest stage, you start off by hitting.
What do you have beyond that?
If you start with the chapter, you want to go into a belt next or
what?
Ridiculous, you don't have to do that. There has to be a system in
place. Right? And believe me, the system works. You know, you don't
have to hit at all.
So what methods can be used to create an environment where
children have discussion so that they can approach us you just
start a discussion, random discussion on some issue, and then
see what they say, if you're never used to a discussion, and B might
be difficult in the beginning to do that, right. But just start off
a discussion find a talking point, or whatever it is, like, do you
see? So I would say like, you know, in your school do kids? Is
anybody on drugs?
Just random question. Yeah, there is this guy, whatever, and so on,
right? In your school? Is there somebody who does that? You can
just start off like that, then you know, the way they will say
praising Lee disapprovingly? You know where we are with this. You
just have to be a bit creative about it, I guess.
What, what advice can you give when parents are not understanding
parent to child then behave different with each one? So your
relationship, there's no magic sword your relationship out?
Otherwise send him to somebody else to bring up like the
grandfather or somebody who's got otherwise there's no, there's no
merit, there's no magic and remake a lot of doors due to Allah
subhanaw taala. If a father is on the phone all the time, so he
doesn't give time to mother or son? What can we do to stop this?
And how will this affect the child, I don't know how it's gonna
definitely have an effect. But you're gonna if you want to change
this, I've got lots of lectures about the marital issues online on
zum zum Academy. So I'll leave you to that have discussed that a lot.
But Briefly speaking, what you have been using for the last five,
six years to try to change your husband is not working, then stop
using that way, it's not going to work, because it hasn't worked.
He knows that's all you do. So change your style, use a different
power, maybe a soft power, soft, feminine power. If not that, then
take a stand. Get somebody else involved. If you don't do
anything, it's not gonna make it you're making dua only nothing's
gonna happen unless there's a time of acceptance and you get a Kurama
and a miracle. But miracles don't happen often. Get somebody
involved. Think of it this way, right? You got husband and wife
for those who can see on two sides. If they have a problem,
then just imagine that the ground
they go slightly down like a foot into the ground. Now for them to
come back together, they have to come out and be nice to one
another and resolve it. If you don't sort that out. And they have
another problem, you go another half a foot in the ground, and you
have a third problem. And they go another half a foot in the ground
and over 510 15 years you're gonna go 20 feet down. So you both can't
even see each other see eye to eye anymore. only way you can resolve
you both come out somehow but you're not willing to because you
both want to stay in your trench you think you're secure and you're
right. That's why it's better to sort this out when you're only
half a foot or one foot down then when you're 20 feet down after 20
years
I'm dealing with several over 20 year old marriages some with other
man adamite as well they've just
put it under the carpet they've just messed around with it for all
this time. And now while they after the children are you know
mature and ready to get married. Now they want to they want out of
the marriage is so difficult. I've been trying with one we've been
trying with one couple is now nearly the third year. I can't
believe they're not divorced yet. There's like some desire to get
back but they just can't. They just can't change their ways. Get
out help sooner than later. That's the secret get help sooner than
later. And don't go running to your mum all the time. Mums
unusual usually not always sometimes a very fair, but mums
are not usually the best idea. I've seen marriages break because
the first person you went to for a little small issue you went to
your mum
because mama met very sentimental, but some mums are very good. So it
just depends you better know your mom, is she going to help you? Or
is she just going to
support you to break your marriage? You need to be honest
enough to think about that. I've seen many mums break their
marriage on some are very decent Mashallah. How can we address the
issue of a nine year old who finds it easy to lie first find out why
they lie. Do you tell untruths do you say when somebody comes to
your house that
He's not here.
Do you do this weird flex flexing of the truth? They've just
probably learned it from you.
A lot of the time they do. But we know why we're doing it. We think
children don't know, they're not discriminating of why they do it.
So they just do it as they want. That's number one. Number two, we
have to tell them it's not right. And we have to show them the
the importance of truth and the problem with the FARC,
essentially, of hypocrisy and how it's bad for your heart, and how
you will you don't want to be different outside to how you are
inside, you know, you explain all of that to them, and hopefully
they can change inshallah. Inshallah. It's just the passing
phase. When spouses are of different parenting approach,
what's the best way forward, either make matura and agree to
some arrangement. Otherwise, find somebody else you can go to who
will decide between you, if you can't agree, find somebody neutral
and decent, who can who can assist you? How does a parent repent, if
they've been tough on their kids beyond bounds, just be nice to
them now without overdoing it, and just try to and inshallah it will
be sorted out, just be very good to them now, and maybe, you know,
say, Look, I need to do this in a better way. And just do that don't
cry over it. Otherwise, you know, just gonna get worse. So
seek forgiveness from Allah subhanho wa taala. And just start
being extra nice to the children, but not in a way to spoil them
obviously. Right. And inshallah it'll take, it'll take some time,
but it will be sorted in sha Allah. Is there a need of a
British Muslim identity to reinforce positive cultural
influence in our children? Absolutely. It's just I spoke
about it in the other in the other Masjid. So I didn't speak about it
here. But
whether you like it or not, we are creating a new Muslim identity
identity. And what is the identity? Let me just take two
minutes for that.
When people are in the same place, we're in the same village,
everybody has the same identity, they the same kind of food, they
wear the same dress. We've come to England right
now, where I live, and I've traveled a lot, so I've got
Moroccans. I've got Bangladeshis, I've got Pakistanis, I've got
other news I've got, and I've got the fish and chips, and the
Italian pizza and all of that, we take the best. And we remove every
one of us, has a culture. Nobody can escape culture. There's some
people that I'm not cultural, I'm a cultural you are, you don't know
what you're talking about. Everybody has a culture, all
you've done is that you've taken off, or you've become a self
hating, Gujarati, or Bengali or whatever it is, and you've just
taken on a new culture, because culture is part of our life.
Culture is the way we dress. Culture is what we eat. Culture is
the way we behave. Now, nobody here who's been born in this
country, or have come and stayed here for 20 years. You know, when
you go back to Congo? Don't you feel a bit? They do a few weird
things.
Yeah, right.
Why? Because we've understood it from it. Now we've picked up
slightly different culture. It's as simple as that. Anybody who's
still in this country who still thinks they're 100% Punjabi
culture, they're not, you can't be
it's impossible. Culture is what you take on. We need to drop the
bad culture from our cultures, because there's all these bad
elements, especially related to marriage, and all that kind of
stuff. We need to drop that we need to take the best of our
culture and take the best of any other culture. For example, you go
to some people's house and they force you to eat they put the food
in your plate. And then there's some cultures like my friend from
half Egyptian Palestinian, he was in Egypt, he went to a friend's
house he had already eaten the friend said you better eat he
said, I've already eaten I'm you know, I'm watching my is careful
about what he says I'm not going to eat. So he said, Wallah, he my
wife is divorced if you don't eat.
That's messed up. Now, if my if my friend was stubborn, he could say
I don't care about your metal Botanica, but show me attorney
conga.
George I have Kudlow metal batanga, Madani conga,
right. It's ridiculous. You go to some people's house, you go to
some cultures, would you like some tea? And you're like a bit
embarrassed to say no. Okay, no problem.
And you really want to you think like, he's gonna say, Yeah, you
know, because you're used to that. And then there's some cultures
like, they just bring the tea and everything.
Joe, can I call up? And this is like, Would you like some tea like
what you really want some tea? These are various different
cultures. So pick which is the best. I just told our Moroccan
Imams of the eye. We have Moroccan Harira soup and tajine in the
house and I'm actually wearing this Moroccan dress. I would never
wear this in Gujarat. I've been to Gujarat from India in the madrasa
and you wear anything different they look at you
because they all one way, there's not much variety. They only now
Saudi Juba find and Alba before when I was the 9097 98. I was Bin
Laden
for them, right? You understand? It's just when you got strong
cultures, then you can't do anything different. It's very
difficult to go against that. But here we need to find out what
culture we are. And many people have figured that out. I think we
just don't call it a British culture. Otherwise, it is there.
Right? So now, there's going to be multiple variations. I don't think
we can put everybody on the same British culture. So converts,
they're going to have a certain British culture, we can't expect
them to be like, have elements of Indian culture. Although to be
honest, Indian food is everywhere, so that they're gonna have to have
everybody's gonna have Indian food in this country. That's Indian
culture. That's part of Indian culture, which has become British
culture now. Right? Culture is a very important idea. This people
will come and say, I don't want to get married to a Gujarati or a
Punjabi what I said, why not? So they come with baggage.
said okay, who do you wanna marry them a convert, I said, they just
come with a different baggage. Everybody comes with baggage. It's
just that you don't like this baggage because you're used to it
and you found some bad elements to it. Well, they're just gonna come
with a different baggage and you better get used to that. There's
nothing wrong with it though. So remember, that culture is very
important. You can never be a cultural which means you can never
be against culture and never have any culture because whatever you
do is cultural.
But when I mean for example, if you look at me right now I'm
supposed to be from you know, I'm supposed to be a Gujarati and I'm
proud to be a good job. I'm pretty problem with that. Not in an
arrogant way Allah to protect us from that, right. But this thobe
here that I'm wearing this Juba here, Saudi probably made in
China. This this thing here is Moroccan, but it's been specially
made in Jordan. Right? This watch is Japanese, this phone is
your phone. Mine is Korean. Right? Socks, American, and
it's just wear mixture now. So what is the identity? Who defines
that? And let it be a flexible culture with certain norms, which
is because Islam gives us boundaries, and general guidance,
as long as we're within that, that's completely fine. But if
somebody wants us like, this is British culture, whatever that is,
what is British culture?
You understand? So that I guess that's what we're talking about
here. That all the good that is in all cultures take it on.
So in my house, we cook Gujarati food, but we also cook Moroccan
food, Lebanese food, homeless, and so on. Right? Syrian food, and,
and bits of because I've traveled quite a bit so you find things my
wife made Shakshuka yesterday, which is an egg dish, it's an
Arabic egg dish. It's fine. Nothing wrong with doing that in
Gujarati is right.
How can we build tolerance and patience while doing the third we
have children, it can be very hard, we choose the easier route
server server understand the long game, this is a long game, by the
way, you're not gonna get response, you're not gonna get a
reaction straightaway. And remember, your benefit of that
will be shown 20 years later, 30 years later, when you're old, or
even after your death, but remember, you're leaving a legacy.
Let that drive you inshallah. My child, I'm going to quickly just
finish this on my child is six years old, and she only eats her
food while watching her iPad. Fine, they will break the habit
who started that off?
How did she have an iPad at home? My kids aren't allowed iPad except
in the weekend. So where did this iPad come from?
I mean, why don't you use the same strategy of how to wean them off
milk?
What strategy did you use for that?
Use the same strategy, let them cry one day. How long are they
going to cry for?
They should be there's a lot of research on this. You need to
probably keep the iPad away from them for a whole month to let it
come out of their system.
And then they'll be completely fine. They won't be depend on the
iPad.
Let them be away from the iPad for a month. So psychologically the
hard wiring of their brain to want an iPad while they're eating that
will be disconnected. They're still children. They'll understand
that and then you will be fine inshallah. But you know, you will
have to bear the crime.
And break your heart
is the schooling and mucked up system outdated since kids are
nine hours away from home and get really tired?
It's not outdated, because this isn't what they did in other
countries. In most Muslim countries. It was all part of the
system. So the only way to beat the system is to have a fully
integrated Islamic school with both things done well. Because a
lot of the not a lot but
At least some of the subjects in the regular school are waste of
time. They filler subjects, they don't contribute to, you know, so
you either get a proper Islamic school, and I mean, we all went
through McDouble Hamdulillah I think we're fine. We did Normal
School, and we did mucked up as well. And we're fine. We're not
that destroyed away. So I don't know why you're mollycoddling
them, right? Give them better food. I'm just having a I'm just
having a little thing right? Give them better diet maybe so that
they don't feel too tired. Maybe they got an iron deficiency or
something, give them some vitamins, give them some good food
rather than just chocolates and, and so on. No fish in the fish is
good. The chips is too much potato and starch. How can you raise your
child the way you want with the salmon values while having family
you have different values and your child that needs a whole ban?
My kid is having I think I've discussed a lot of these issues
today. You just do your best and ask Allah subhanaw taala and
inshallah you will change your family ultimately, if they see a
good model in your children. Okay. And my kid is having anger issues.
I think I've answered that already. Any thoughts or
suggestions? Your anger? Why are they getting? Is it because one of
you is getting angry? Or what are the trigger points? What makes
them angry? Is there a frustration? Do they feel
deprived? Do they feel discriminated against? There could
be multiple reasons for why they feeling angry? Try to find out the
reasons then inshallah we can help them any thoughts or suggestions
on the age to give the child a mobile phone I think around 16
within the home, right, how to create a strong
strong Muslim agent simple thing is that if we can develop God
consciousness in them, meaning Taqwa that they can do namaste for
Allah rather than for you, then we are successful and how do we do
that? We do that organically. What that means is we're bringing ALLAH
SubhanA wa Tada as mentioned in every discussion, not every
discussion, but in discussions like you got a new set of
clothing, you know what we not you we really need to thank Allah that
He gives us so much. Look how beautiful that is. And look at
those guys don't get we're so lucky. Look at this food. Like
every time you enjoy the food that you eat, just Allahu Akbar, we
have so much to be thankful to Allah for. organically. You just
mentioned that you can't get this into your children until it's at
home. Number two you glorify and scholarship and Islam.
There are a lot of people asked me why did you follow this career
this this way? I can tell you and I used to say my father's and
Maulana and a half is and his dad was half is as well. My uncle is a
half is from my dad's side. And my mom's dad was akari and her
brother was a Mufti and it just runs in the family. Now that's
very useful for you isn't it? It doesn't rain my family's okay, I
don't need to do that. Then I got thinking because you get people in
the family have loads of those kinds of people. Oh, they're all
businessman or they have all doctors but they don't want to do
that. Really what it was is that the Dean was glorified in my house
whenever a buzzer came or somebody finishes be like wow, you know,
that guy's dead child he's become half is of the Quran.
Look, he's gone to so and so country for taraweeh. Look, he's
become an island.
On Amma. We're not criticized. They were not looked down upon.
The Deen was glorified. We saw it in practice. We saw the way it
worked.
And just leave you with one story. There's a girl who's seven or
eight years old, her older brother, nine years old, needed
glasses. He went to the optician you know in the age they check the
eyes. He needed glasses. She started making fun of him. You
need glasses. You got glasses, you're gonna have glasses. So the
mother said to the daughter. Don't make fun of him. Because your dad
has glasses. Your mom has glasses. Your older brother has glasses.
You're gonna have glasses. It runs in the family.
And then, okay, stop finish. 10 years later, no more said 10 years
later. She is now 1718 She's got younger siblings as well. They
have glasses but she doesn't.
Everybody's got glasses except her. Why doesn't she have glasses?
Yeah.
Allahu Akbar.
I think inshallah this ban has been successful because the kids
are still awake.
Under
a lot of accept, so
Allah is going to give victory all of those kids that are in Allah is
going to give victory. Although there has to be there has to be
has to be so
she made dua but she only told everybody a after when she's a
team that you know mom when you told me that? I'm gonna get
glasses I started praying to Allah subhanaw taala
Why did she start doing dua to Allah answer me that question.
Okay? You saying that because she wanted to prove her mom wrong and
she wanted to justify that she made fun I don't think it was that
second one and it was good try Mashallah. But I don't think it
was the first or second. She just started feeling like no, I don't
want glasses. I'm going to ask Allah not to give me glasses. My
question is why did she ask Allah for?
Because she was brought up to, to ask Allah. Now the mother at this
point should have said, Look, you make dua, that Allah doesn't give
you it. She didn't. She forgot about talking about that she has a
look, don't make fun of him. But she decided herself, that I need
to make dua because she already learned that do our works.
That is how you bring the faith in the house because you teach them
that from a young age. You're telling them stories of the
prophets were was accepted. They're going to imbibe some of
them. That's why I read stories of the prophets and the Sahaba it was
salam Radi Allahu Anhu to your children, the young they imbibe a
lot from that some really important goals. Now imagine if
your DUA has been accepted like that? Are you going to doubt God?
Are you going to doubt Allah?
That's experiential. You've had the experience and do is very
powerful. In my kids, what we've done is that from a young age,
whenever they have a little pain somewhere, instead of rushing to
get a paracetamol or something, say, I read a bit adores me la
isla de la de Roma asked me he said on philosophy will obviously
have some year on it, I will be carrying metal lighter might even
show you Mahara Corolla, with any sort of the fact that it grows and
blown them 50% Or more at a time they get better.
Call that
placebo effect or God SIBO effect or whatever you want to call it.
And they get old enough this they read it for themselves.
I said put your hand on the pain Allahu Murghab. They will know
this to Allah Murghab bananas, he will buzz where she undershelf
Illa, Shiva, Shiva, Shiva Avila yoga, they will supplement. We
don't just rely on that all the time, we might give them medicine
as well as some name but for small things just get better. You have
to teach them to invoke Allah. We don't invoke Allah enough. We need
to get them to invoke introduce the names of Allah to them. I'll
give you a simple example. And we'll finish last point we'll just
finish here. I did. I produced this copy of a Hezbollah
Arabic beautiful illuminated edition to make it easy actually
did a Mokra here in this Masjid. Before it was fully done, right?
It was Arabic only a lot of people started asking for English. And so
in by 2021. I got the English translation ready. I was very
happy with it. But I wasn't happy with the design of how it should
look finally. So I kept it on the backburner. And I just couldn't be
satisfied with the design and finally after the summit, and I
said look, I'm wasting it, it needs to come out. But who's going
to give me a design that I'm satisfied with? I'm a bit fussy on
these things. So I decided that you know what, I need to ask Allah
with a relevant name. Which name is relevant
MUSAWAH which are the name is irrelevant.
Jamil,
elegant, beautiful one. I called out with the name of Allah
subhanaw taala. Within five minutes, I had a design that I was
satisfied with. Allah responds, if you call out to Him.
Believe me anything. You go out. I go out on my bike. I ride on my
bike to madrasah right? Because just traffic and all of that is a
crazy it's good for you and sometimes starts raining or it's
gonna rain and you're like, Oh, no Allahumma Hawala. You know whether
I Dana, oh Allah around us or not on us, most of the time it works.
Most of the time it works.
Once I was in love theta T sub
where we were in Jordan, and we're just waiting to visit. It's a
conference that we were members of and as myself move this up, mana
Madani sub, my godmother, Lisa, so we're sitting there waiting for
the next meeting. And I had developed a stomach problem. I
don't know what I had said, No, I was just pain in the stomach, my
number Denisa he goes to 50 He goes to me, he said, If move this
up, puts his hand on your stomach and pray and makes dua you will be
so
I'm like that's not going to happen. I said how bilkul I said
hazard if you can do it. It was a bit of a banter. I removed the
service mashallah of the turkeys are we talking about? I didn't
expect that you know, so I said so move these turkeys up said oh, he
can do it himself then do I will be effective. So I decided to put
it in I said but assert would do IJA button. Do I owe her a
believer in the foster door to be accepted is for by a person for a
person who is not present. So you said but I'm present your present
But
then Allah bless him Allah bless him Allah bless him raise the
resume or he put his hand on my stomach and did the DUA not the
alarm Robin as the other one what is it? What is the other dua for
Shiva I forget the beginning words that one yeah louder
or yesterday that one he said it several times right? And
hamdulillah within an hour or two I was fine. These things work man
they work is just that when you take your tablet, take your tablet
but say yeah Shafi when you're taking it when you're asking for
something, use the right name you know read the take the 99 names of
Allah and adopt a few for your current situation. And you will
find the amazing because Allah loves to be known. And he he gives
a lot when when you recognize him so teach our children that
organically and inshallah
Allah bless this program. I know it's gone late.
But Masha Allah, may Allah bless your sacrifices on this Saturday
night, right? It's a Saturday night when you could have been
doing so many things you could have been going out to eat. You
could have been watching football, you could have been just bantering
and doing a lot of other stuff but you've decided to stay here and
Masha Allah, so may Allah, not just bless us but bless our
progenies until the Day of Judgment. After that run, I'm
hamdulillahi rabbil Alameen. The point of a lecture is to encourage
people to act to get further an inspiration and encouragement,
persuasion. The next step is to actually start learning seriously
to read books to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the
subjects of Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become
more aware of what our deen wants from us. And that's why we started
Rayyan courses so that you can actually take organize lectures on
demand whenever you have free time, especially for example, the
Islamic essentials course that we have on there, the Islamic
essentials certificate which you take 20 Short modules and at the
end of that inshallah you will have gotten the basics of most of
the most important topics in Islam and you'll feel a lot more
confident. You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue
to live, you know to listen to lectures, but you need to have
this more sustained study as well as local law here and Salam
aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.