Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – #parenting Bringing Up Children Guide 101
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But why would a girl at eight years old make such a dua unless
she's been taught?
So the teaching has to come. And it shouldn't be in a way that it's
forced. It needs to be organic, natural. That's very important.
Mashallah, we do have families that very strict, so nothing can
be wrong. And they get bashed and taught told off and everything
like that. That doesn't usually work. Yeah, there has to be a
softness because Allahu Akbar, the Prophet sallallahu. from Serbia,
as Allah mentions in the Quran about the process of the Sahaba
his Sahaba like his children, right,
including the first one Colleyville called beeline for
Doom in holik. If you were harsh.
If you were harsh and rough with them, they would have run away
from you. That's the process and knows that but Allah is telling
the whole Ummah telling everybody that that
it needs to be taught with love, consideration, practicality, and
functionalism
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim
Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salatu salam ala Murthy.
Rahmatullah Alameen WA. Early he or software he or Baraka was
seldom at the Sleeman gefion Ilario Medina uncovered
God Allahu Taala filled Quran in Nigeria will Furqan Hamid hear
you? Hello, Dina Minako and full circle leikam Nowra so that Allah
will are we
so dear brothers, we are going to spend some hours of this hour
some time on this very precious Saturday when you could be doing
so much less there has so much to offer on a Saturday evening I
guess. And there's a lot of competition to sitting in a
masjid. Or mashallah you have
preferred to sit in this masjid so I pray to Allah subhanho wa Taala
that I don't waste your time. Because very precious time you
could be going out you could be eating you could be I don't know,
watching a football match of my football is on I have no idea. So
you could be doing a lot of stuff. But we're sitting here in the
house of Allah subhanho wa Taala and this beautiful dull outcome,
which gives you an idea that there's a lot of good things to
come. This dialogue is only the beginning.
Because that's how it started in Madina Munawwara it started in
Mocha, mocha rama.com. And then it became, mashallah to where we have
it, Lester. So download comm is just the beginning. It's not the
end, there's a lot more to do in sha Allah.
So
what we were speaking about is youth now, it's very, very, very
difficult to speak about youth when you've got our older folk
here.
And then we've got our middle aged. And then we have our young
adults. And then we have children.
How do you speak to such a cross segment of society have four
different
levels and not put somebody to sleep?
So either the children are going to go to sleep the older people
are everybody's going to go to sleep. It's very difficult and my
problem is that I can't leave any body behind. I can't ignore
anybody. So you've just made my life very easy. Why did the
children even come?
It's a youth program. hamdulillah so anyway, Allah Allah help us,
Allah help us. It's it's always complicated. So let's pick a few
children here. We're the one with the glasses. What's your name?
Black Hat.
Sorry. You are Hassan. And who's next you the What's your name?
Your Hussein, Hassan and Hussein and are you Mohammed dibutyl
Hannah fear.
What's your name? Your Hamza. So Hassan Hussain and Hamza. You guys
are going to have to understand what I say. And anything you don't
understand you have to put your hand up. Okay? Because if you
understand everything, then everybody understands and if you
don't understand it, nobody understands. Okay, so do you
understand everything I said so far?
Okay, then put your hand up. If you don't understand anything,
okay?
So alhamdulillah when it comes to youth, there's quite a few things
that we want to discuss right now. Some things may be irrelevant to
the children but Allah Allah give us strength to understand this
properly and to discuss this properly.
We have guidance in terms of how to bring up children and how to be
as children and as youth and as adults from our Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wasallam the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has
given us a deen a religion which is what we call totalizing. Our
faith is totalizing you can't be in Islam half and half. With Hulu
facil me curve, enter Islam
and fully and
wholly. Otherwise, we're going to be deficient. When we get to
afterlife and we're going to be deficient in this world. Islam is
provides guidance in everything. That's why it's a totalizing
religion. That's why whenever you try to go and if somebody says
What is Islam to you? A lot of people reduce Islam down to five
pillars. Islam is based on five pillars. Yes, it is. But that is
just one aspect of Islam.
When we speak about Islam being based on five pillars, getting my
shot, you know, a shadow La Ilaha, illallah, and salah, zakat Hajj,
all of these things, somebody who's really thoughtful, he's
gonna listen to this thing is your is your religion just about
worship to a god and nothing else? What about your interaction with
others? What about environment? What about animal rights? What
about your neighbors? What about your dealings? So the five pillars
that we have, they're just part of one dimension of Islam, we have
five dimensions of Islam, all the way from the belief dimension of
what we should believe? What is the purpose of this world? Where
did we come from? Where are we going? What should we be doing? Is
there a God? Who is this God? What what is the? What? What are his
characteristics? Why a prophet sent all of that that's called a
key that and believe then we have, once you've understood a God, who
He is Allah subhana, WA, tada, then how do we worship him? That's
where the five pillars come in. The five pillars are part of the
second dimension of how you worship, Allah subhanho wa taala,
what's our responsibilities, then after that we are human beings. So
we deal with one another, every day all the time, right? We can't
live in isolation. We deal with people on two levels. One is on a
contractual level, like a buying, selling, renting marriage, those
are contracts. But then we also have other other dealings with
people on a social interaction of just being nice to one another,
being
respecting your elderly and honoring and being compassionate
to your young and being good to your neighbor, and animals, and so
on and so forth. Those are the third and fourth dimensions. And
then what's left? Isn't that everything? Well, there's a fifth
dimension, which is to sort our inside out.
So that all of these other dimensions, they stay, right,
that's called Sam purification, if our heart is right, then our
worship will be correct, our understanding will be right, our
dealings will be better. But if our understood, our inner heart is
corrupt, and problematic, then all of this will be corrupt as well.
So it's a beautiful system of Hamdulillah. And we need to be
bringing up our children and ensuring that all five of these
are correct. Otherwise, it's lopsided, it's deficient. But the
only way these five things can be correct, is if we get it
after being a father of four children, and, you know, the
oldest one being 25 years old, you know, and so on. I think that
gives you some understanding, you know, you, we get an understanding
of mistakes we've made, a lot of people make make mistakes with the
first or second child, and then they learn by trial and error. So
by the time it's the second or third child, then we've hopefully
learned, if somebody still makes the same mistake on the third or
fourth child, and they haven't learned anything, we, you know,
what we want to do is we actually want to encourage people not to
make mistakes to be correct from the first child, because sometimes
we could actually discard the first or second child beyond
repair sometimes. And then we're much better to this third and
fourth child, for example. So we don't want to make those mistakes.
Why is parenting becoming more confusing and more complicated?
Now? Why is it because before people lived in very,
in very close knit societies, where the extended family were all
together, used to all live together, and they usually had the
same ethics, they shared the same ethics, right? So if you go to
certain villages, for example, in India, or Pakistan or whatever,
one particular family where they were lived, they were usually
quite consistent in what they all agreed with, or what the
mannerisms were and what their culture was, there would be slight
variances, not the kind of variance that we see today.
So number one, we live in communities now, where
very few people actually live with all of their relatives around
them. It's just not possible anymore. You just don't have that
kind of landmass, or the property or the ability to pay for that
kind of thing where everybody is living in this enclosure of all
the brothers and all their 15 children altogether. You know, it
just doesn't work that way. We have people from different
cultures and things
Pull from different religions.
And that just creates a much more confusing idea. That's why people,
there's parents who want their children to marry somebody from
their own culture or their relative, and the children don't
want to.
Why don't they want to?
For multiple reasons. Number one, the parent and the child did not,
they did not get on to the same wavelength from a young age, so
that the parent could understand their own child, and the culture
they're living in. And the child understand where the parent is
coming from, because there's no communication
is just maybe orders, or instruction and no communication.
And complete ignorance of modern society, for example, or all
society for the younger people.
So then what happens is, when they become 23, anytime comes from
marriage, for example, you have to marry your cousin. What do you
mean, I have to marry my cousin, I'm interested in somebody else.
Or I don't want to marry my cousin. But I promise you to your
uncle, when you were two years old.
Seriously, this is some cultures.
Some cultures are like that they've been promised already. And
then it's a battle. If you wanted that, go and stay in the village
where that works. And everybody is brought up to think that way, then
it's fine. But you come somewhere else, then it's very difficult
because like, look at me now. Right? My parents are from
Gujarat, in India. But what is Gujarati about me?
I mean, what I'm wearing this this inner Juba is Saudi, probably made
in China.
This outside one is made in Jordan is Moroccan. My my hat is Turkish.
My turban I'm not sure what style it is. But the cloth is from
Pakistan. My watch is Japanese and my phone is Korean. I think this
is Pakistani, and my socks are American, I think. I mean, what is
good righty about me now. I'm still Bucha they're still like my
Gujrati food. Right? I still enjoy that. Don't get me wrong. I'm not
a hater of culture. Culture is very important. No, nobody can.
I don't think that anybody's done a proper study on this, but I'll
tell you something, nobody can avoid culture. There's a lot of
people, they're from a Pakistani background or Gujarati or men or
Somali or whatever. And they don't like being there. I don't like
culture. Okay, you don't like culture, you just don't like your
culture. You're gonna have to have a culture. Everybody has a
culture. Humans always have culture. You have to remember
that. It's just going to be a new culture. You get guys, they say
I don't want to marry anybody from you know, this background. I said
why not? Is that they come with baggage. Okay, cool. Who do you
want to marry on America convert, convert also come with baggage.
It's just a different baggage. And just because you don't know about
it, you think is better baggage than your baggage. Right?
Allahu Akbar is confusing. A lot of people are confusing. You
cannot divorce yourself of culture. Just remember, it's a
very important point. You can't divorce yourself of culture.
Most people here look like either, you know, from immigrant families,
right? I don't see any Anglo Saxon original Anglo Saxon people here.
Right? And if they even if there is, that doesn't make a
difference. What I'm trying to say is that when you come here, every
Muslim culture that we come from, whether that's the Punjabi
culture, Gujarati culture, Somali culture, Egyptian culture,
whatever it is,
it's, there's a Muslim ness to it. So it's, it's Islamic. But there's
also bad things which have crept into everyone's culture.
Our job
is to weed out the bad stuff from our culture.
And only keep the good culture and adopt any other good. We're a
lotta I mean, you can see this as an opportunity that I live among
Pakistanis and Somalis and Algerians and Moroccans, and
Turks, I can take the best of their culture. So I can have more
I have Moroccan soup at home, and Moroccan Tajudeen along with the
Gujarati food and, you know, the homeless, you know, from from
Syria or Lebanon, and so on, it's completely fine.
The good aspects of all culture can be taken, there's nothing
wrong with that what governs what is good or bad is Islam. Is it
Islamically sanctioned with the province allow some allow this
the province of did not come down with a new culture, like a brand
new culture, let's just be totally different will dress completely
different? No.
He took the best of the local culture
meaning he
carried on with the local culture, whatever it was, and just took out
all of the bad culture.
So keep that in mind this is what is your culture? Is it pure
Gujarati? Is it pure medmen? It is not. Because when you guys go back
to whichever country you or your parents came from, you found that
certain things that your extended dead relatives that do you don't
even agree with it, because it's different.
Some of you even think that you're more enlightened, because you live
in England,
because you've got part of British culture.
So keep that in mind. It's, this is a very sensitive, but very
important topic to understand what is your culture, our culture needs
to be Islamic, and what is Islamic Islamic culture is anything good,
that doesn't contravene any, that doesn't violate any Islamic
principles. And that helps to get to Allah subhanaw taala. That is
really, really hard. So now that we got that out of the way, it is
very confusing, because we don't have extended family all bringing
our children up, because before our children will be brought up by
the community, and everybody kind of was on the same page. The
really evil people, they were kind of shunned anyway, so you didn't
want your children speaking to them. But now you can't you if you
lock your if you lock your children at home, and you don't
want them to go out? Yes, they still can't be safe.
Because they're going to have some gadgets, how can you how can your
child not have any gadgets, even if they don't want any the
children once they go to a certain school, they'll the my kid went to
one school, give them iPads in your college that, you know,
that's where you do your work.
It's just become much more complicated. So okay, so I'm not
lamenting the fact that it's just more complicated. What do we do
about it? So our responsibility has just grown. That's what it is.
You want to bring your children up in the modern age, especially in
the UK and Western countries. Alhamdulillah in the UK, still a
lot better than a lot of other places. I'll tell you that. After
experience, I'm telling you, because we've got a lot more
infrastructure, a lot more Islamic infrastructure. That amount of
mcnabb's and Mother assign classes for men, women and children that
are going on in England in a place like Leicester, right, is much
more than what's going on in Austria, in France, and Germany
and all of these other countries, but even in America.
In America, more than 50% of the masses don't have proper Imams
like an official Imam, anybody who can read well, or, you know, he,
he leaves the prayer. Everybody's a Mufti in town. Alhamdulillah.
But it's still difficult because we got so many things to worry
about.
We've got so many things to be confused about. So there's so much
pressure, so much influences. And the only way to sort this out is
that we become more God conscious Allah conscious that I've been
thinking of this for a very long time. The only way the not the
most successful way and easiest way to get our children to be on
the right path is if we become more God conscious and balanced
like the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was, then the job will
be done. I'll give you an example.
If we can just understand who Allah subhanaw taala is and our
children begin to understand that and they become directly
accountable to Allah and not us anymore, then your life is going
to improve. For example, let's just say there was a gay kid who
just went to started high school academy you know, 1112 years old,
comes back in two three days. You know, the second or third day his
mom asked him Did you pray though her at school? It's not a Muslim
school. This is regular Academy. it's wintertime when you know
you'll miss it. He said no.
Now tell me I want some interaction. Should you be happy
with that? Or should you be sad? The guy didn't pray said no, I
didn't pray should you be happy or sad? So let's start with those who
are sad about the fact put your hand up.
Okay, who was happy? Who would be happy?
Oh, you guys are happy that he didn't pray
you're happy? You will always Allahu Akbar, masha Allah and the
rest of you who didn't answer you like happy sad, what are you? Are
you don't show it to think.
I when I heard it, I was very happy. He didn't say like, No, I
didn't pray. I'm not gonna pray. He didn't say that way. He said,
No, I didn't pray. Okay. Why didn't you pray? I just couldn't
find a place to pray. You know, I couldn't find the place to pray.
And he's still getting his grounding is not bold enough to
us. So his mom spoke to him and said, Why don't you speak to a
nice teacher that you know, especially when you're going past
and you see that her room is empty or the teacher's room is you know,
the classroom is empty. It's going to be like, I'm gonna take five
minutes. Can I just quickly make my prayer here please? You know,
So alhamdulillah after a few days is sorted out now he prays in
school
If this interaction wasn't there, how would you do it? If the mother
or father didn't have this practical approach, isn't it? Why
didn't you pray?
You can't do it because sometimes they just can't there's a reason
for it, there has to be that practical interaction and
discourse. Very important. Now, one of the things that children
don't like to do, or is that the, would you call those, those
washbasins. They're very dirty, you everybody's using them so
well, and then getting caught with your foot in the sink. When you're
doing well do so I know a family in which all of their children
when they've gone to school, they've had wudu socks, a normal
pair of socks cost, how much? How much is one pair of normal socks?
How much? About two pounds as a good pair of socks? Right? One
today, if you go to Primark, you might get a cheaper, two pounds
ourselves. How much does a wudu socks cost?
10 Where'd you get 10 pounds. I've never seen them. 10 pound anywhere
the cheapest, I find like 1416 pounds, right? There about between
14 to 22 pounds, right?
But all of their children they've actually invested will do
something, it just makes life easy for them. You're gonna have to
work with our children. This is the challenge we have. This is the
challenge that we have out there. So God consciousness. So why did
that child decide to tell the truth and say I didn't pray?
Because he knew that he's not going to be bashed by the ultra
strict ones. And he's more conscious of Allah than his
parents. He knows that his parents is not I'm not praying for Mary's
like genuine like I couldn't bring
consciousness is to Allah subhanaw taala. I need help with this.
Right? He knows that his parents are gonna give him a solution or
at least help help him. So that's why he brings it up to the
children.
brings it up to the parents.
Otherwise, he could have easily said I prayed. How easy would that
have been? And are you going to really call up the school and say
did my son pray they'll probably report you to prevent
if you did that, you guys like these guys are extremists.
Allahu Akbar.
We have to become more aware of this.
Another quick incident, there's a girl who's eight years old,
approximately 878 years old. Her brother is two years older than
her had to go to opticians and he discovered that he needed glasses.
So when the little sister found out she started making fun of him,
you're going to need glasses. The mom who wears glasses said to the
child that you know, said to the daughter. Don't make fun of him.
Because your dad wears glasses. Your mom wears glasses. Your older
brother has glasses, you're gonna have glasses as well. He runs in
the family, I guess. Right? So you're gonna get glasses as well.
Right? logical conclusion. So don't make fun of him.
Now fast forward 10 years. She is 1718 years old. And she's got
younger siblings as well. And they also have glasses. So the father,
mother, older brother, younger ones have glasses, but she
doesn't.
Hamza, why doesn't she have glasses? Why does everybody have
glasses? And she doesn't know is that because she's a girl is
discriminating.
Why doesn't she have glasses? Tell me can you answer that riddle?
Why doesn't she have glasses? I'll tell you why. How old are you?
You're 12. Right? So you're four years older than when she was
before? Right? So she later tells us 10 years later she told you
know the parents she remarked that? You know, mum when you told
me that I should?
I'm going to get glasses as well. When I was eight years old. I
started praying to Allah subhana doing dua to him. That yeah, Allah
I don't want glasses.
She doesn't have glasses.
Now the parent didn't say when she was seven, look, pray to Allah
that you don't get glasses. She should have done that. But she
didn't. She said Don't make fun of your brother. But then still,
where did the girl learn to pray to Allah subhanho wa Taala and ask
him and making dua for obviously they taught her that before
that Allah works. Allah is there to help you. Now if your DUA has
been accepted like that, how you're going to feel about Islam
power you see that that's my differ. It's worked for you.
But why would a girl at eight years old makes such a dua unless
she's been taught?
So the teaching has to come? And it shouldn't be in a way that it's
forced. It needs to be organic, natural, that's very important.
Mashallah, we do have families that very strict, so nothing can
be wrong. And they get bashed and taught told off and everything
like that. That doesn't usually work. Yeah, there has to be a
softness because Allahu Akbar, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam Serbia,
as Allah mentions in the Quran about the rosary
Somebody Sahaba his Sahaba like his children, right?
In the fervent believer called beeline for Doom in holik, if you
were harsh
if you were harsh and rough with them, they would have run away
from you. That's the promises and knows that but Allah is telling
the whole Ummah telling everybody that that
it needs to be taught with love consideration practicality, and
functionalism not just bang bang bang there's a guy that I know
right now is 25 years old maybe.
And he's had major Watsa problems OCD spending so much time doing
will do and then when that goes away, then it's is my nickel valid
or not? And then
am I still a Muslim or not because they thought of this as just this
Allah Allah protect because that's a really bad place to be in all of
these whispers all of these doubts in the mind and
and then he tells me one day, I've been working, I'd been working
with him and then tells me one day I think the reason I've got it is
because my dad was just so strict about everything. Don't drop this,
if that drop I'd be I don't know what I don't know what his that
detail, but basically saying that he was just overly strict on
little, you know, little mess ups and things like that. I guess the
dad didn't want to do therapy at all good intention, but just
didn't understand it. It's just a bit taken a sledgehammer instead
of, you know, a little tap. Not saying beat up them. But you know,
it's just over the top. So he reckons that his thing his
feelings are because of that. Allah knows best. I don't know,
you understand? So overly being strict is not the way to do
therapy. That's not the way the person now we how do we know what
kind of therapy the result did? The profits or losses sons did not
survive beyond the beyond the childhood stage like class him and
by year barrhead, Ibrahim, they all died? Radi Allahu Anhu. They
all died in the young age. So we don't know how do I often brought
up sons, right? But he brought up the sons of the OMA, we know that,
and he brought up his daughters, and none of them got messed up.
And he wasn't over the top, he would play with them, he would let
him and I'm not here to say that, you know, your soul languid about
this, that you know, they just jumping all over, you have no
sense of, you know, you have actually no sense of strictness,
or you have no sense of position or anything like that. It's not
what we're seeing. But ultimately, that's very important to have that
kind of approach. He needs to be a loving approach that you actually
connect your children to Allah rather than yourself.
Biologically, they're yours but the deen is Allah's you just
connect them to Allah, then you don't have to worry whether you're
watching them or not. Then they'll come home and tell you, this is
what happened. Okay. The second point for that is communication is
ultimately the most important communication with your children,
there has to be open communication.
What does that mean? They should be able to come home and with at
least one of the parents speak about anything. Anything? No
subject is taboo.
Okay, maybe it's possible that the both the father and mother can't
be that open. Right? They can be that but at least one of them has
to be if not both. They should be able to come home and discuss with
you LGBTQ issues fenne gender fluidity because this stuff is
being talked about in school. So if you can't talk about it at
home, then where are they supposed to mucked up? It can be. But what
happens if the McTell isn't geared up to do that? We can complain all
I want all we want the teacher in teaching, but ultimately, as a
father, I am going to be asked by Allah,
it's my responsibility to either teach directly or to
arrange for that teaching.
You have to remember that me and you as fathers and mothers, it's
our responsibility. The buck stops with us, as they say.
Very important.
That's why the communication needs to be very, very open.
We know then what's going on in the child's mind that they should
be able to come home. There's one guy he's about 30 Now I think he's
married now. 30 no children. He still complains he's complaining
that my house
we've never had a meal together. What do you mean you've never had
a meal together, my mom will cook a big pot of food. And everybody
will come and take, you know, laid out their portion whenever they
want me themselves.
Why are we making house our homes into hotels and restaurants?
A lot of people their homes are just hotels and restaurants.
That's where the father literally comes into sleep from his hours
and hours on Uber.
And then going out to shisha cafes or with his friends are watching
football and they just come home to sleep and eat. So we have to
pay for it somewhere else. So it's a hotel
Other than a restaurant, bed and breakfast are better than supper
as well, I guess,
for a lot of the children is that because there's no communication.
I know one kid who
went to university, right? So in the daytime, he's at university.
In the evening, he's in our gym class. In the weekend, he's
driving trains. He's got no time.
He's busy all the time.
So you can even feel sorry for him like Charlie's got no time. But
those were the youthful years where you make it or break it, you
prepare yourself.
You got your degree, you got your island class, you got your money
and you're working, you're running your life, you're you know,
but now, all of that investment has benefited him. Because now he
can do whatever he wants, the rest of the life is there to enjoy
anyway. Because you've built your basis, every moment of your youth
is very, very valuable.
So keeping children busy, is after after teaching them who Allah is
and connecting them to allow for accountability and love. Right?
The only second, the second point is keep them busy. There has to be
something that our children are doing at all times. And we need to
be part of that. The problem right now is that we give them a gadget,
which is the cheapest form, I mean, an iPad costs for two to 300
pounds, maybe. But what a cheap way to babysit them.
You know, even a babysitter would get tired, but a pad never gets it
just runs out of batteries. So you just have to plug it back in.
Otherwise, iPad is the best babysitter.
Have you got a babysitter, Hamza?
iPad, we got an iPad,
you gotta babysit as well.
Because you know, when you're on the iPad, does your mom had to
tell you off or anything? Because you're just like, so glued to it,
right? Yeah, nothing, nothing matters in the world. If there are
bombs falling around, you're no problem, right? You're just so
into the game, right? It's so powerful, isn't it.
So it's become very cheap to do that before you could close the
door of your house to make sure that you don't interact with any
with any strangers. But now you can't even stop that anymore. And
there's very few few families that can get away with no social media
in the house. That's like the most difficult thing. Right? You'd have
to be really super strategizing to do other things which they enjoy
doing than than to get on otherwise, because everybody else
does it at school. So open communication in the house is
very, very important. God consciousness is very important
and
being busy in the right things, whether it's dunya, we or Ravi has
to be both meaning related to this world. And the hereafter needs to
be a bit of both so that they understand how to how to run their
life, our children. What's important is that, you know, we're
not talking about younger teens, we're probably talking about how
teens are in between the two is very important that we teach them
some real life skills.
Okay, so now let me share with you something else that was absolutely
terrifying for me when I heard it. Just a few days ago, there's a
female Alima she is teaching a group of girls,
Ali Marcos,
and a discussion began and
the majority of the girls in that class said we don't want to get
married. They're between 17 to 2021 22. They don't want to get
married.
Okay, why don't you want to get married?
This is interesting. Why don't you want to get married?
We don't trust men.
Okay, how would you guys feel by the way?
We don't trust men. What do you mean, you don't trust men? What's
wrong with men? They're all liars.
Or you guys are liars. Like we all lives. Right? Partner women are
thinking that all men are liars. Now I know that that doesn't
necessarily represent everyone in the world. But that's a decent
cross section, you know, of maybe 1015 girls who majority of them
don't want to get married. And somebody else
in one area has told me that within five or six houses around
him. There are at least three women there. Three girls, three
women over the age of 14. They're not yet married. This is a big
issue. If you have unmarried men or women, then there's big fitna
in the community. There's a lot of Zina and every because you know
you have needs people have needs so needs have to be fulfilled
through marriage, and they're not getting married 40 years old. What
else are you going to do?
So now the question is so as
she's telling me this I'm like, why? said all men are like that. I
would never
One of them said, I would never marry a guy who's on social media.
Why is she labeling everybody on social media as bad? Because
there's probably, that's what, that's what she's seen all of the
bad stuff going on social media. Do you have social media? Yes, I
do. She said, But I'm gonna get off it right now. They've
understood the horrors of social media. Okay. And they don't want
to get married with anybody who's on social media don't trust
anybody. Now, when I was listening to this, I said, but look, hold
on. Okay, they might have thought of that, in terms of the guys
they've seen maybe in their school or class or whatever in the
extended. But isn't there a role model at home that can
counterbalance and say no, there are decent men in the house didn't
have that. Don't they have a decent father or a brother? No,
they don't. She said I was talking to them. And one of them said that
my father has been beating up my mum since the last 20 something
years.
That's a wonderful role model.
No wonder she hates men? Because that's what she's looking at.
Okay. Look, there is. Feminism is a contributor to women hating men,
that's there. But that's not all. That's not the whole picture,
though. Yes, there's extreme feminism that is basically getting
women to feel that you know, you are sufficient by yourself, you
don't really need men, and so on. So that is there. But this stuff
doesn't this stuff is worse, because anybody can tell you
what's outside. But if you've got a brother, if a girl like we have
sisters listening, if you have a brother, or a father, and you
would love that your husband would be like them. They're a role
model. That's wonderful. They can counteract all the evil they're
looking at outside, but inside the house, it's the same thing, then
men must be messed up, even though they're not.
Can you see how important the parents will responsibility is if
we can't bring our sons and daughters up, to understand what
true manhood and femininity is. And they are learning that from
outside, and they got nothing to correct the narrative inside the
house that we have failed.
And then it gets worse. Somebody who's listening to this said, this
makes a lot of sense. He said that recently in the community.
There was a girl who's confused about her gender, or actually
wants to become a boy.
She wants to go through the transformation and become a boy.
So somebody spoke to her and she's confused thinking she wants to do
that she's contemplating the idea. So somebody asked her why do you
want to do that for? Why why do you want to? Why do you want to be
a boy for? Look at the answer? He said, Because you know, my
brother, he gets much better treatment in the house than I do.
How bad must her treatment be? And how good must her brother's
treatment be that she actually wants to become a boy because she
sees that as an option, that maybe my parents will treat me better.
I was absolutely taken aback and gobsmacked by this thing. And I
was like, Look, I need to find out more about this, because I usually
don't take things at face value. Because people can say all sorts
of things. So I proceeded further. And I asked other people, and what
I realized after listening to them is that Allahu Akbar, there's a
lot of favoritism and discrimination against girls in
our community, in our families, what does that mean?
Some of it is nice. I mean, some of it is not justified in that
sense. But the goal is correct. But the way they're doing it is
wrong. In the sense that, of course, I mean, it's correct to
say that boys are going to have to do work outside. So you understand
that they have to be outside sometimes, and girls were more
protective over because they're more vulnerable, and so on. But
this beyond that, nowadays, girls are studying at university. And in
fact, there's probably more girls, I haven't taken a proper
statistic. But from what I've seen, while going to universities
to speak, the those who are studying is usually two thirds of
girls and 1/3 of boys, there's usually more girls, or at least
his half and half are usually there's more, more girls, right?
Studying. Now, I'm not here to say whether that's right or wrong.
That's not the point. The point is, that's what's happening. So
you've got a son and daughter or sons and daughters, they're all
studying. When it comes to exam time. Who's going to do the work
in the house, the girl still has to do the work in the house. I'm
not saying that's wrong, but the boy is like no, leave him alone.
He's got two exams tomorrow.
We've got 1718 year old kids who the mother is still making their
bed.
Boys whose mothers are still making their beds day and they
want to rule the world. They want to be the biggest gangster or the
biggest businessman or whatever. He's got big ideas in order to
make his bed. If his mum and sisters were sick for three days,
he won't know what to eat in the house. He'd have to eat out
because he can't cook himself up even a an egg. He can't make
anything is everything.
His Mama's sister has to do for him.
That's not right. While you know I get a bit cheesed off when I see
girls marriageable age and all they can boast about is that I'm
really I really enjoy baking.
Tommy Can you cook biryani and dal Chawal and curry? Khichdi? If
you're Gujarati, for example, like can you cook food? Except like
just the basic pasta dish? And then mashallah 15 types of baking
products? I mean, I like baking products. I like baking but come
on, is that what it is?
I run into a spoke to one sister, one girl who has two friends who
are just got married. And this girl is now saying that I don't
need to learn how to cook. I said, why not? said because one of my
friends she's got married her mother in law does your All
right, Allah bless her. Right?
And the other one, her husband cooks. He likes cooking. I said,
What chances is there that you're gonna get a mother in law as well,
who's just going to cook for you and let you relax and take long
soaks in the shower in the bath. Right? Or that you're going to
find the husband who's a gourmet chef, this is just this is an
anomaly. It's not usual. Because these brothers are going to tell
what does an anomaly mean? So I tell them you need to cook need to
learn how to cook that's a responsive but our guys, what
about our guys? I mean, does anybody ever tell our guys to do
anything? Our youth, they need to know a lot of things.
They don't know how to welcome a guest in the house. If the father
or mother isn't there, the guy opens the door. It doesn't know
what to say today. You know what to say to the visitor? Like
somebody come uncle, how are you? Are you okay? Sorry, my parents
aren't here. But is there anything I can help you with? You know, I
can I can let them know. None of that is like no was it?
Like, doesn't know what he's talking about? Right? He doesn't
know how to pay a bill.
He is using the mobile phone but his mom pays his dad pays, he
doesn't have to pay a bill. If there's an issue on there. He
doesn't have to call him up. And you know if there's been an
overcharge or some other providers now to do that. It is not a fixed
plug.
He does not have to tighten the screw of somebody if something is
leaking.
But he wants to be the big guy outside. So I'm not talking about
you.
I'm just saying in general, this is how people are right. What do
you think?
Except some really specific people. The this is skills when
are they going to learn this? Just because the age of being adult in
this country is 18. Right? That doesn't mean that you don't become
an adult sooner. When you're barely I remember when our hazard
Molly Sumatera sub Rahima hula Indar long he said one day that if
you are mature, you know if you're 1314 years old, your parents you
can't demand from your parents any money. If they give you take it,
but you can't demand any any extra money. Since that day, I've never
asked my parents for money. They only gave me money but I never
asked. I became self sufficient. I appreciate every time they give me
money. hamdulillah My Allah bless him, my father, but what I'm
saying is that you have to stand on your own feet, you have to
learn chivalry braveness
dignity, you're supposed to run the world you're supposed to look
after your family. God has made you aware Munna Allah Nyssa. God
has made you responsible for women, for your wives, for your
mother, when your father dies, for example, if your mother's still
around for your sisters, if they need help, men are responsible.
Have we ever told our children that you're gonna be responsible,
like told them that
if we don't tell them this, then they don't know what role they
have to play, then the society molds the role that they have to
play.
We have to teach our children this so to to summarize again,
the consciousness of Allah from a young age, how do we teach them
about Allah subhanaw taala Allah has to become naturally in the
house. So for example, every time you have a nice meal, and how
often do you have a nice meal? How often is that you know, you enjoy
your meal. I'm not talking about like, going out to eat, I don't
mean that. I mean, just, you know, you enjoy your food, like you are
thankful and grateful for the food that you got.
I mean, I do about five times a week, I would say, right, I enjoy
my inner like,
the food was very nice. It could be basic dark shower, obediently,
but you know, or a doll doesn't matter. But it was just nice. It
was fulfilling. I don't mean like going out and having to mix grills
or something. I don't mean that. Right?
So you get some new fruits.
The food has come out very well. Alhamdulillah you don't say
anything to the children, you just say? Alhamdulillah look what Allah
has given us.
And the people in Gaza can't even eat or anywhere else, Syria, all
of these places where they were struggling. You just thank Allah
for every time you're at the meal. Like we need to say Bismillah we
need to say Alhamdulillah our children will learn that from us,
rather than us having to tell them read the DUA. This needs to be
organic, in the sense that it needs to be natural
they just pick it up. For example, with my children when they were
young from when they were young, every time they would have a
little pain, the first thing we would do is read something
Bismillah, Allahu Allah, the room asked me, he could hold our pillow
the Bible for one or two hours and blow on them and more than 50% of
time gets better call that placebo effect.
Or God SIBO effect or whatever you want to call it, it works. When
they get old enough, we teach the doors to themselves, and they do
it most of the time, it's fine. If we're taking medicine, then you
tell them to make the doors when you take the medicine.
They just you just get them associated with Allah.
Your job is easier. But for that, you can't get them associate real
low, and you don't know anything about Allah. If we don't know and
we're not connected to Allah, we can't force them to do it, we're
going to have to change to make them change.
That's very, very important. We're going to have to change to make
them change, then everything is going to come right. So look, I
don't want to take too much time, because I did we did discuss with
Manasa that we are going to have question and answers, right?
Because what I speak about maybe completely irrelevant. So these
were some basic general points that I wanted to share with you.
Now we'll open it up to questions, so that we can talk about anything
that's specifically relevant to you. So please feel free to
literally ask any question that you want. You can write it down if
you're embarrassed to ask openly, right? For I don't know, the
answer will say so. Right. But at least then we can hash out some
because our community getting families corrected means the
community can be become better. Communities are made up of
families. And we've got a lot of problems. There are a lot of
people into drugs, why do people get into drugs?
Less there's got a pandemic, just as other areas of guys in drugs,
whether that's Gujrati, samadhi, Pakistani Bangladesh and make no
difference. I've spoken to a number of people. Why does
somebody get into drugs?
There's multiple reasons that I'm not here to discuss that right
now. But there's multiple reasons and one of them is no God
consciousness. They know they've got time on their hands. Number
three, they're not connected to their parents so that the parents
know what they're doing. And they feel comfortable at home, they'd
rather be outside with a friend. And parents don't know who their
friends are a lot of the time.
That opportunity should not even arise.
And it's absolutely possible.
And your answer is not just sending them to a Muslim school.
See Muslim school kids as well get messed up. I'm not blaming Muslim
schools, but I'm saying that's not enough. And I've seen people
who've gone to regular state schools and they're completely
fine.
This is not to put down a Muslim school is a variable that should
be your first choice if you can, but I'm saying that a risk parents
response is much bigger than that.
How do we make children connected to Salah I encourage daily but
find a special pleasure? Even in the winter struggle? Don't wake up
on time.
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim. So now salaat, as I said, I'm telling you
this from experience is that if we the secret of getting our, our
children to pray by themselves, and Fajr will be difficult, it's
difficult for adults sometimes. So understand that that's not easy
for everybody except for some special Willie of Allah. Right?
Who just wakes up, you know that waking or Fajr is not easy for a
lot of people. Right? However,
for Salah in general, to get our children to be good, solid
performance, we have to give them the consciousness of Allah
subhanaw taala. If they're praying for Allah, then they will get up
rather than praying for us.
So if they we, how do I judge? They're praying for me? And if
they're praying for Allah, sometimes if you're not there, do
they pray there? Do they perform their prayer by themselves?
That's the best way to judge.
If you're not there, for example, with others, and they still pray,
they've got that consciousness whether we pray late or early but
they pray. That means they're praying for Allah subhanaw taala.
If they're praying, if we're not, then they're not praying, they're
praying for us. We need to change that. Otherwise, there's no way to
do this. Yes, in the beginning, it's okay. But eventually,
ultimately, within one or two years, they need to pray for Allah
subhanho wa taala. How do we get them to pray for Allah subhanaw
taala then not just by telling them pray, pray. Once there was a
kid in our madrasa, he was from a very liberal family, whichever,
and you wouldn't come for Joomla I know he wanted to write, but I
don't think he had the full understanding of why because his
father
was not taken seriously or whatever. Got for the law man, you
know, beautiful for didar Man and the chapter on Salatin about the
benefits of salad the virtues of salad and the punishments of not
paying salad. He was there next year. He is now understood that
he's doing it for a reason.
So, our brothers here, do you know why we pray? Salaat?
Right. Do you know why you should make them us? Why should you make
them as one of you and answer me? Yes.
First question, right. So that's a fear factor. It's good enough but
that's based on fear factor. I don't want to be punished jello,
it works. If it works, it works. So are you are you worried that
you're going to be punished in the hereafter if you don't pray?
Because they're gonna Allah is gonna ask you about it. Yeah, so
he he's doing it for fear factor, which is okay to start with. But
ultimately, it needs to be done for the sake of Allah's love the
fear factor or the that's just to start or that you're going to get
Paradise because of it. That's just the starting point. Once you
go beyond that, those things should not even be it's not you
shouldn't be worried about the you're more about I need I'm a
slave of Allah, I owe it to Allah. So I'll tell you why we pray. Have
you got a color? Have you got an auntie that gives you a lot of
stuff? And she's always like, really looks after you when you go
to a house? Have you got an auntie like that color? Like that was
something? Everybody does, right? Yeah. Now when you go to a house,
imagine you ignored her when you went into the house, she was there
waiting for you to give her a hug or whatever. And you didn't even
say salam to uh, you completely ignored her. You went to your
cousin's room and started playing with the PlayStation or whatever
it is, would she be happy with you? Would she still be nice to
you?
Probably, but she'll feel bad, right? So what should we do that
though? No, right? So we give examples like that this example is
very powerful for children. Right? That Allah has given us
everything, you know, all of your clothing, your beautiful parents,
everything that you have, Allah has given it to you, did you ask
him for it? He just gave it to you. He is so kind. And all he
wants from us is that we remember him five times a day in our note
and the way we remember him is in our matches. That's why we pray
not because he's gonna beat us up in the hereafter. Right? Not
because, you know, we have to pray because we just have to thank
Allah subhana wa Tada. He just wants that that's what he wants
from us. You understand? If we don't have these practical ways of
explaining, it's not going to work then they're going to do it for
some other reason. I mean, at least he's doing it for a fear
factor but some like because my dad wants me to pray or because my
mum shouts at me.
But again, Fajr is difficult, but the way to find out where the who
they're doing, just see if they pray when you're not around when
you're not the seller, and then focus on that as Rule number two,
very powerful. Read this dua. If somebody can find me the
reference, Rob Bucha, Ali mukhiya Masada the women do Reethi Robina
with a couple dua believe me this is a miracle dua
rubbish. I know somebody who says that when they were young, and
they are a half is an alum as well, and they had religious
parents, and they were quite particular about prayer. But he
said I messed up on so many prayers. Right, I messed up and so
on but he says my children are much better than I was that since
they'd become valid they've never missed a single prayer always they
have they've done a lot
and I'm he says, I'm not more strict than my parents were I'm
actually less strict than my parents were about salad but
because they have God consciousness and he said the
second reason is rugby journey mochi masala to the Rio de Robina
with a couple to
our Lord make me from of those who established the prayer and from my
progeny.
progeny and Allah's dasa amazing, right? Not just my children, but
my progeny until the day of judgment. So I'm making dua for
everybody to come from me. Even after I've gone, I'm making that
door and have that in your mind as well. Very powerful door, those
two things First, find out why they're doing it. And explain to
them why they must pray us for the llama, if you have to use some
other psychology, philosophy, explanation, and then and then get
them going on that and in sha Allah, they'll pick that up Surah
Ibrahim, verse 40. Keep that in mind. Go and learn that one in
every one of your after every one of your prayers. Keep making that
dua. And for the sister who asked this question that do i You should
make a rid of it. Verse 40, of sort of Ibrahim, it is the Brian
Madison's do anyway. Yeah. Yes, brother. Okay. I'm glad you
brought that question up.
There's only so much we can cover in a talk but I'm glad you're
bringing up the relevance. So this is a very important that you know
that one in for every four teenage girls is worse in girls than boys.
There's a problem in boys as well.
It's in the BBC everywhere. You can find it online, right? Mental
health problems in teen girls. One in 14 Girls. That means 25% of
girls and this was a few years ago, I might be worse, have a
mental health problem.
Have a psychological problem? Right? What do we do about that?
Or why does it come about number one?
It's because of the society what the demand of girls is crazy.
The society demands of girls that you must look amazing. You must
smell amazing. You must, your hair must be amazing, your nails must
be amazing. Your skin tone, and color and luster must be amazing.
And you need to look like this particular model that has been
airbrushed. Using software better than
better than nature. So they get the best models, the most flawless
models, they take pictures of them with the right light conditions
and everything, then they go into Photoshop or other software and
they remove any other natural blemishes. So what they show you
on the screen, or in advertisements is not real. That's
not how they look. In real life. That is not how they look in real
life.
But you must look like them. And you can't say you're depressed.
When you're trying to be like something that you cannot be like
that your hair is flawless and, and your smell is flawless. And
your color is awesome. It's just crazy. How do you live up to the
expectation? It's a multi billion dollar industry. That's what that
is. It just wants your money.
So you can't be like that. So you get depressed because you think
you must be in a competition. Snapchat, do you know that we're
living in a time when in History Throughout human history,
prehistoric age until now? Nope. We are the most people with the
greatest vanity. Because in history helmet in history, nobody
has ever looked at themselves so many times a day, as we do today.
Literally just think about it. If you wanted to look at yourself
before they weren't any mirrors, you'd have to probably go to a
lakeside or get a bowl of water and look in there. Right? You're
not going to carry a bowl of water with you to get your reflection,
are you because they were no, no. And then after that they found
polished steel, polished, silver, whatever it was polished metal.
And now it's on your phone. So you can just keep checking what you
look like.
It's just ridiculous.
It's not natural. This is humans aren't supposed to be looking at
themselves this many times a day.
is ridiculous. It's just It's just crazy. So the vanity that's there.
Okay, that's some social issues. Number three.
The absent father syndrome, or the missing father syndrome that has a
massive impact on girls. It's the studies are quite crazy on this,
you know, they say that if there is no father in the picture, it
doesn't mean that there is no father at all. It could be that or
it's just the missing father or hardly available father. The girls
will biologically start menstruating quicker than then
girls who do have a father figure. That's number one. Number two
girls are groomed much more easily when they've not had a father
figure. Why?
Because every human being boys and girls require attention from
mother and father. That's the natural system of the world.
That's why some of the modern ideas of having two mothers or two
fathers doesn't really work this lopsided in that sense. Like
genuinely because you need both. Right mother gives a certain
imparts a certain type of therapy and training and reassurance and
characteristic while the father does their side of the thing, if
the father is not around, he's working too much or he's with his
friends after work or he's just not involved. Girls need that
they've been deprived of it. So some Tom Dick and Harry outside is
going to tell her you look really nice, she's just gonna get caught
up in that. So they're more prone to grooming and indoctrination.
And biologically, they menstruate quicker. It's something weird
phenomena we have.
And then they have all of these other mental health problems
because in addition, maybe they're being discriminated discriminated
against because of their brothers. Bring up your children in such a
way that your son can see assistance. I wish I had somebody
so decent like that as my wife and you're, the girl can say,
mashallah, you know, I wish I can get somebody like my father or my
brother like to be my husband. That's the kind of husband I want.
That's the role model. So this is the reason for the mental health.
And the biggest problem is nobody's recognizing that they
know when they get into drugs, but they don't understand they got
mental health problems, why they're slashing their wrists, why
they don't want to believe why they want to,
why they're confused about their gender, and so on. This is all
to do with the mental health problem. And I have seen some
movement in this regard that there are some brothers even enlisted
that are trying to take care of that but there's not enough it's
that is endemic as you say. Right. So we have to consider that
And if we've got troubled girls and boys in our family that is our
responsibility, get help. Don't feel bad about it, you'd rather go
and get help. The problem is when we're in these close knit
societies, is Leicester a village, by the way, or is it
is a city but is it a gun? That's what I mean.
Not this way this is sort of visit.
Weights farms. Okay. What I mean by that is I've had so many
questions, somebody calling from another town outside London, about
an issue. I said, you know, you got local scholars talk to them.
He said, No, I, I don't want anybody to know. Right? I don't
want anybody to know. So I said, that's fine. But you know,
physically, I can't help you. Because I'm not close enough to
you, you need to go to a local alum. Right? Obviously, local
animal need to maintain confidentiality. But number two,
what you have to really be worried about is that if you don't get
help sooner, it's gonna get out of hand. If you're worried about
everybody finding out eventually they're going to find out when it
gets too bad anyway. So get help sooner, please, brothers get help
sooner than later.
Hopefully, I've given you enough to actually just judge where we
are with this. And if you've got problem, then get help, inshallah.
Okay, next question.
How can you change the attitude problem in a child? How can you
open up a child who speak to you about your feelings? Look, there
are some boys and girls who are closed books. They're the most,
they're the toughest people you can deal with. If your child
doesn't speak to you, then a lotta help, because that's very, then
the problem with them is you only find out when things have gone so
bad that it's gone beyond, like in the last two years, I would say
one half, two years, that with at least 316 17 year olds that have
literally left their faith, though they're from practicing families,
because they were they're very quiet. They're not outgoing girls,
they're usually girls, but sometimes boys as well. They're
not outgoing. They're very closed books, they just on their own
device or something. Right? And you don't know because they're
very secretive, they don't speak. So what do you do about that? What
you do about that is you do make a lot of dua, that's for sure. But
number two, you try to find a way in, change your attitude, change
your style, so that they might trust you. And if you can't do
that, because you can't wait to do that, right? Find somebody they
speak to get them on your side and get them like a cousin, an older
brothers, sister and Uncle auntie and get through to them, what are
they thinking, especially if you see troubling signs, you need to
do this sooner or later and do a lot of dua to Allah subhanaw
taala. Otherwise, it's very difficult to coax them to speak to
you maybe change your style. So they actually feel like you're
going to be different. All right, they have to use strategy, there
was a there was a girl who,
you know, became a bit rebellious. So we told her to buy this, she
want to buy that just to just to spite the parents, I think the
parents kind of woke up and got strategic. If they wanted her to
buy this dress, instead of that one. They would actually say no,
by that one instead. So just to be rebellious, you've gone by the
other one, which there's you just have to strategy. By the way, I'll
tell you something else. There is no science behind bringing up
children. Do you know that the scientist or researchers in this
field they've pretty much conclusion is that there is no one
scientific method of successfully bringing up your children.
However, they are obviously not looking at Islamic guidelines,
right? The Islamic guidelines which are not specific guidelines
that do this exactly, aside from specific ones, like give them a
good name and you know, at this age, separate them in the bed and
make namaz and all of that. They're broad, great guidelines,
and we need to understand them and the behavior, then inshallah we
can be successful. But yeah, that's, that's a tough one, but
use these strategies as somebody else to speak to them. Maybe write
to your child, they might be more comfortable in writing back to
you. They're living in the same house.
But you know that whenever you speak, they don't say anything. So
write a really nice motherly fatherly love letter that shows
you to be very open and say, Look, give me an answer. Two days, five
days, give me an answer. I really want to hear from you try that?
Oh, do you inspire our children with the love of Allah? Messenger.
So
I think I answered that short, briefly already, which is that
Allah needs to become parts of the house, part of your life part of
your home. Allah needs to be mentioned over and over again,
organically by ourselves, then it will become this. So let's just
say that something really good for us, you know, Alhamdulillah all
praises to Allah.
Like literally say that in whatever language Allah has given
us this. Allah is so graceful to us. Just look how much Allah keeps
giving us. Like Jen say, genuinely, they'll pick that up.
Allah has to become part of our life vocally, openly. And we have
to pray we can't, we can't be ungrateful to Allah don't make
salad Hey, we have to pray we're gonna get beaten up. No, we can't
be ungrateful to Allah, let's stop over at this cafe at the service
station, let's pray, you know, we have to pray for Allah subhanaw
taala that's the minimum we can do, make it very organic, like
make it simple. That's what we do this for the service part of our
life. That's the way to teach them. And then number two, there's
other things. I'll just quickly go I don't have time but I've got
lectures, you can go on zum zum Academy channel and as a number of
other lecture I deal with this in a bit more detail. But number one,
if you want to know Allah, you have to start reading the Quran
with meaning. So aside from your normal reading that you do of the
Quran, if you do that already Alhamdulillah then at least read
one or two pages a day and just reflect over Allah is saying, and
Allah, we get to know Allah better. We don't know Allah.
That's why we can't transfer the love of Allah, or the
consciousness of Allah to our children is number one. Number
two, go through the 99 names, get a translation of the 99 names of
Allah and adopt a few that are really relevant to at that
particular time. You'll be amazed Allah is a very multifaceted
entity. So for example, if you've got something complicated going on
in life, you'll find a name Yeah. Latif, start using that. I'll give
you an example.
I did a really beautiful illuminated copy of this beautiful
Dr. Bukola Hayesville album several years ago and people were
asking for a translation. So I worked on a translation and got it
ready in 2021 which is two years ago but then I didn't publish it
because I'm I focused too much right in terms of the design so I
couldn't settle on a design. I had other work to do as well so it
wasn't like I was working on it full time. And then I thought you
know what the translation is 100% ready and I'm wasting it now like
you know people need to benefit from it. So after this last
Ramadan, I said I need the right design just couldn't come up with
the right design. You know, you have designed a block. So I said
what name of Allah can I use? So I came up with one name anybody know
which name of Allah can use for design?
Masha, Allah Jazak Allah, so actually, there was Yamo. So we're
old fashioned, old person who provides the best design and the
best form. There's also another name.
Called body is more like an innovator. It works but there was
another one I thought was even more closer.
Jamil
in Allah Hi Jamila, in your humble German, Allah is elegant and
beautiful, and he loves beauty and elegance Allahu Akbar, believe me
I did do with the name of Allah. And five minutes I had a design
ready that I was satisfied with, Allah is there to give you because
he wants himself to be known. So think of that, the names of Allah.
Number three, have some kind of vicar regimen. And number four,
have some kind of association with people who do know Allah.
And that's when you learn about a lie yourself. If we can learn
about Allah, our home will be the place of Allah. There's a study
that there was a PhD thesis that was written quite a few years ago,
how to bring Allah into teaching for teachers. And literally what
she's suggesting there is that every 10 minutes, you mentioned
Allah in some way or the other, you know, Well, God is created so
wonderfully, that God protects us, Allah protects us, you know,
whatever, you bring it in organically somewhere, Allah has
to be brought up over and over again for other people around us.
For for them to take it on insha Allah
says, Men are responsible does this mean emotionally as well as
physically? What if the man finds it hard to emotion, be supportive,
that affects the marriage and kids is emotional intelligence, a
prerequisite for a good marriage. Many women are struggling with
this where men can provide don't provide emotional support and sit
on their phones and not wants to be an active member of the home.
How does one navigate such a situation?
That's a very, very tough question. You can read my book on
marriage.
But that's a very tough question because usually the wife is the
one who's complaining and she's the one who's suffering. I can
tell her what I want, but the husband's not listening. So what's
the point of that? Understand, the husband has to hear so the
practical suggestions I've got is they're not easy.
There's no Robina the second two are after the other one I said
sort of the Brian in verse 40 is really suited for Converse 75
Okay, so therefore Converse 75 for beautiful
Joy, Joy creating children, progeny and spouses Robina habla
naman, as well as you know, the Reott in Harare, Magellan taki
NEMA
How'd you get the husband to be involved?
I don't know.
It's a tough one.
However, I can give a few suggestions. Number one, try to
speak to him. But a lot of the time there'll be such a distrust
that they won't, they won't trust you that nothing that comes from
you is valid, right? That bad, get somebody else to speak to get him
to listen to a lecture where this is mentioned, they might change
for a few days, then they'll go back to normal, this is the
problem. Okay? I'm just being honest, this is this is what
happens, right? Number four, you've got a tough job, I wish I
can give you more. It's just a tough job, somebody has to get
through to this husband, that he needs to take part. Some husbands
don't know how to do it. They just emotionally don't know that. Look,
there is this thing, right? Which I haven't understood yet.
Sometimes you're told that the father needs to be a friend with
his children. I don't know how to be a friend. And I don't know how
you can be a friend with your children. You're a father, at the
end of the day, be a father, at least,
you understand. You don't have to be a friend because you're not a
friend. You can be friendly with them, and play with them and joke
with them. That all needs to be there. But you are the father
ultimately, okay. You can't be emotionally detached. There are
some men they just on their phones, watching football
or on their phone doing something else.
Or they out somewhere else. And they just they think their wife
does what are the I just need to bring some money in and pay for
the food and everything else? That is completely wrong. So if you are
a man like that, then I'm talking to you. But if you're not here,
which is the problem, they don't even listen to lectures, that's
the problem. They don't even come to a gym, or a lot of these guys.
They come for the Arabic part of the hotbar. So they never learn
anything new. They just
they don't learn anything new.
You know, the only time that anybody that such people learn
anything is when there's a Nikka gathering where they have to go
for the actual in the car.
Because even in Joomla they come for the Arabic hot bananas and
they don't listen to the br
The since they've been in maktab they've not not learned anything
new.
Since mucked up, they've never learned anything new about Islam,
if they picked up a few things if they've been forced to sit in a
band, something very bizarre. Gaga, right? And they've had to
listen to a few things they've never they don't their life, their
Islam has not evolved. And then the kids get messed up and they
don't know why.
You can see my frustration. And there's some men and women by the
way, it's not just always men, by the way, it's just that women are
usually more connected to the children. That's why right?
They are right all the time. They always write so you gotta call my
husband or my wife, but usually is the husband. He's like this, is
it. Okay, that's fine. Tell your father to speak to him. And he
doesn't listen to my father. He doesn't talk to my father
actually. Okay, tell his father. No, he doesn't listen to his
father. I said, Okay, talk to them all. And I notice he didn't talk
to them on our anniversary didn't talk to he doesn't agree with
anybody. He's just right all the time. So I want to ask I've been
actually looking for a guy like this, because I keep being told
like that about people, but I've never found somebody who's never
made a mistake. Enzyme resources, right? Do we have somebody here
who's always right in everything?
Please, please. I've been looking for a long time. Somebody was
always right. They must be somebody less than
that like me, I'm pretty somebody who's always right.
Just remember, we can never always be right. Only the prophets Allah
loathsome is always right. And Allah. Yes, if we're experienced,
like, it's our occupation, then we'll be more right? Most of the
time, right? But we can always be wrong. But anybody who thinks that
always when the wife doesn't know what she's talking about, she's
some idiot, right? Your life is going to be miserable. You might
be enjoying your life alone, right? And celebrating by yourself
and when everything goes your way, but believe me one day, it's all
gonna blow up.
I'll tell you why. In the last one and a half years, I've had three
or four women call me who are who are now in marriage over 20. So
they have children who are over 20. And finally, finally, it's
come to a head. They've been literally suffering for 20 years,
but they didn't do anything because of the children's in
suburbs. Our now is getting midlife crisis is over. It's going
crazy.
You can't always be right.
You can't always be right. And women are not all dumb.
They're not all stupid.
They have qualities. And I'm not saying this to big up women, okay?
Women have their own feminine qualities. They're very different
from males, but the children need both of those things. If you
haven't been able to recognize the femininity of a woman because some
women don't recognize it. They use hard power instead of soft power.
Women should use soft power rather than hard power that makes them
more feminine and more a mom
more attractive.
And not I don't want to blame men only in this, the woman could be
doing something wrong. But we're not here to deal with the issue
today. Right? But But
yeah, really look, you owe it to your children, you might pass 20
years, and then after that there's going to be a divorce, or you're
not going to be speaking get help sooner than later. If things
aren't going, right. There's a woman she calls me about seven,
eight years ago, she's got problems with her husband, over
something in the house. Right? I tried to tell her look, you're
gonna have to take a step, you're gonna have to do something
different for things to change, because he's used to what you're
always doing. You keep nagging him, he's not going to do any you
keep crying, it's not going to do anything because it hasn't made a
difference until now. Why is it going to make a difference
tomorrow? You're doing the same thing over and over again for the
last five years or 10 years and done anything.
So I tell her look, you need to do something different. She goes, No
big luggage.
You can really scared to do that. I said, Okay, fine. Carry on. She
calls me back after one and a half, two years. And it's gotten
worse.
Now, they're not even sleeping together. And again, I tell her
what, I bet she's not willing to take a move, make a move, make it
you know, different make, use a different approach. Then she calls
me back again after
another one or two years, when it just gets too difficult. And now
they're not even sleeping in the same room.
Is muscle is getting better, is that getting better? But they're
not willing to take make a move
would have done something and sorted it out or at least tried to
write because you know, you're never divorce. That was the
village.
I mean, in some cases, the divorce is better. I'm not here to
encourage divorce. But in some cases, the divorce is better,
rather than psychological mess up. And the children are both brought
up lopsided in a family where the husband and wife were the mother
and father each other's necks all the time. They psychologically
affected children.
Is that better? I don't know. I don't think so. So try to sort it
out earlier because the more longer you keep it the deeper down
to the ground, you get that it gets much more difficult to sort
out afterwards. Okay, we'll do shorter answers we need to show
this is from this from brothers. What is your advice for parents
homeschooling?
homeschooling, mashallah homeschooling is a tough job.
Right, in some cases is better than normal schooling and in some
cases is worse. So it just depends what your children are like, and
what you're like, if you've got the patience and your children has
the patient, you can make it really exciting. And it's great.
Because then you can treat them the way you want to do. However,
there's a benefit of being with other children. So what you can
do, if you got a problem with the local schools, that is going to be
a big fit now, whatever, then you do a cooperative homeschooling,
where you get multiple parents together, and then you all take
turns, and then there is a variety. And the other one is man,
you're a parent, you're the mother. You're the father, maybe
you're the discipline, and now you're a teacher as well. It's
just too difficult. So not all parents, not for everybody, by the
way, it's not for everyone. It's for some people, and it's for some
children. So that's the general answer. You make istikhara and try
it out if you want to. Right. But to have the Islamic school is the
best. A good Islamic school is the best, but not all Islamic schools
are proper Islamic schools or not, are they the best? So in that
case, sometimes I've seen that secular school is actually better
than the only available Muslim school is just got better
education, better discipline, even though he doesn't have a Muslim
ethos. He's got better discipline, right? It just all depends. But
hands down. First thing, Islamic school is the best. You know, if
everything's better in there, right, homeschooling is not for
everyone. But if you can do it, then we've seen a lot of success
in that for some people, can you advise children to combine
with the times when time is very short?
I don't believe in combination, it's not allowed to do unless
they're not valid than just for the sake of making them used to
it. Maybe it's okay. But I don't agree with that. For anybody who's
mature, to combine, they just have to make the best effort to do it
in you know, in the right time, to the best of their ability. And I
think it is easy, because though you can do in your lunch break and
us and you can do straight after you finish class somewhere. Again,
just talk to a teacher. If there is no prayer room in your school,
for example, you speak to a teacher, there must be some decent
teacher in your school that will allow you to use the classroom,
you just quickly pray their US will do socks so that you can do
wudu quickly and that just don't take too long. So our little
brother here he's saying that he's got a friend who's from a Muslim
family, but he doesn't even he doesn't even eat halal food and he
doesn't pray and he goes out to does a bit of drugs as well and
goes out to parties and stuff like that. Look. I don't want to judge
his family because we don't know right? But it looks like
Like he's probably not been given a proper therapy is for sure
meaning proper training. So you are his best option now, it's as
if God has sent you to help him now he's not going to change
overnight. Somehow you have to show him that you got a better way
without telling him it's the better way. You just have to do
things where he realizes the emptiness in his heart is not
being filled. Because everybody's got him and what they're doing
when they go out to parties and or is it just trying to enjoy
themselves to fill in the emptiness in the heart, you need
to show that you're you know, you do your stuff, you're quite
diligent, you're quite you know, you enjoy your life as well even
though you do your prayers and everything like that. One day
he'll come you just give him a bit of drip drip Naseeha which means
advice every now and then. And hopefully one day, like you invite
him like, you know, like, this weekend, you want to come to this
program, right? Just try to casually bring him over slowly,
slowly, he's not going to maybe change overnight, but mashallah
you might be his savior, to sort him out. Right? So and make a lot
of dua for him. When he's not around you make a lot of Allah
Tala, let me, you know, because if you do if he does so that your
life has been sorted, mashallah, you get so much reward. So, maybe
take him to a program casually, you know, an enjoyable program or
something like that, as well.
Please advise mobile phones giving children who are teenagers, what's
your advice on?
That is again, another I don't have an answer to it. I wish they
weren't on mobile phones, to be honest. So there's, I can give you
a few stories that there's somebody who did not give their
daughter a mobile phone until she was 16. And then what happened is
that
she got one secret.
They found out that they couldn't pin it down. And then finally they
found it. And now the reason she got it, is she saying, Look, all
of my friends at school have it, and the only one who does it.
And that's not a nice place to be. Right? That's not a nice place to
be that everybody's got something around you and you don't have it.
Unless you're like, mashallah, you've understood the, the
research behind it, and you don't have it on a principle that I
don't, you know, I don't think it's good. But it's very difficult
to get through to children, right. So that's number one. You can put
you can delay delay, as far as you can. But then ultimately, you
can't delay beyond that. Then I know somebody who finally gave
their son, son, a phone at 16, because he was going to a college
further away. He needed it and so on. But it's got parental control
on it. So he actually goes off after a certain time, so he can't
not goes off. But pretty much you can't do much on it after a
certain time of the day. And he has a certain amount of gigabytes
a month, maybe five Giga Bytes a month, in one month, he used it
up. So it's like, Okay, what did you use it on? Is YouTube sitting
in the bus. So he's been told, Look, we're gonna buy you one
gigabyte, just so that you know where the buses are, and so on.
But from next month, you're gonna have to budget you're gonna have
to. So I think we have to teach our children but ultimately, what
you have to do is if you don't, if we teach them Allah's
consciousness, then
we can mitigate a lot of the harm that they that could come to them
from the phone they still fitna, right, they still fit now because
just addictive. So they won't listen to you as the parent when
you don't want them to do X, Y and Zed on the phone. Because that
you're suspicious, right? You know, you just don't want them to
have the phone you're you're just cool. In their eyes. You just
cool. Right? You just don't want them to for you. Just you boring
guys don't want your children to have phones. That's what they
think. So what you can do is there's on YouTube and other
places there are this analysis of the harms of these things by third
party people. Sometimes there's discussions by the inventors of
these things, let them watch that let them read that. So that is
coming from one neutral source or at least it's in their heart. So
we know some kids for example, they
at night they were doing their homework, and then they're gone on
to YouTube or whatever they got on to an intercept at two o'clock at
night. So now in the morning he's telling his mum you know mom, why
didn't you not put my phone off like put the internet off on their
11 o'clock? He knows he's got a problem. He does it just like many
of us do as well spent two hours on YouTube and then we regret it
afterwards. So it's a combination of factors basically delayed as
much as possible and then have some parents will guidance on that
and then tell them the harms of it. And if you don't listen to try
it but otherwise just keep trying. It's just one of those things
which are I don't know hopefully they pass some law eventually
because it's not easy
yes brothers mashallah use a lotta Allah bless everybody here for
sitting for so long. I can't believe you sitting for so long.
hamdulillah Allah Allah accept it and Allah Allah Allah Allah with
the blessing of this gathering
to effect our lives and positively benefit our families. Sorry, we
couldn't answer all the questions, but would you call it I've got
lectures on a number of these questions on zamzam Academy
channel that you can go to. And the rest of them you can come and
consult your orlimar you know, now that question has come up if you
haven't got an answer, call them, come to the masjid talk to them.
Otherwise, I've got a public number ones of the mechanical call
me as well in sha Allah at any decent time in sha Allah and Allah
bless your Jazak Allah he'll keep us in your doors.
Aloha Mantis, Salam Amin Salam devaglia vigilante where the Quran
Allah homea yaka human medical history. I'm in La Ilaha illa
Allah Subhana inocle nominal body mean, just Allahu Ana Muhammad mo
Hello, yo have you have your asset? We are happy we are Salam
here. Latif Latif. Yeah then generally when a Quran Allah have
mercy on us and accept us yeah Allah protect us. Yeah Allah guide
us of Allah you have showered us with so many bounties of Allah you
have given us a lifestyle which is the lifestyle of the top five to
7% of the world of Allah you have given us access to security to
safety of Allah to various facilities of Allah we eat the
food we want we wear the clothes we want, we drive what we want.
Our Allah do not make this a form of mischief for us of Allah do not
make us heedless because of this. Do not make us negligent because
of this. Oh Allah Oh Allah, we ask that you allow us to love you and
you love us that you grant us your consciousness. You grant us your
taqwa You grant us your love, and especially among our children,
make them make us first of those who establish your prayers, and
who establish prayers for you and exercise devotion fully. And then
allow them to do it as well of Allah make them the gladness of
our eyes in the right way. And not just our children but our progeny
is until the day of judgment of Allah, O Allah, protect us and
them and the entire world from all the fitness which are out there.
All of the challenges which are out there, all the temptations
which are out there, oh Allah with all the temptations that are out
there, oh Allah protect us. Oh Allah grant us an understanding of
what the truth is and allow us to follow the truth as it is, and
allow us to abstain from the wrong of Allah. O Allah keep us and our
children away from all of the mischief which is out there. All
of the wrong deeds which are out there. Oh Allah, this project of
Darrell Arkin and Allah all the other projects of Allah that are
the wedge, the wedge that are for your, for your pleasure of Allah,
our project in London and Oh Allah, all the other projects so
Allah accept them of Allah remove the obstacles, remove any
hindrances, allow them to allow them to reach their fruition,
allow them to be hugely beneficial, and allow them to
remain until the day of judgment and oh Allah bless all of those
who contribute, who assist in whatever way it is, Oh Allah grant
them blessing in their life of Allah forgive us our wrongdoings,
and especially those wrongdoings and those sins, which bring
darkness in our life which turn people against one another, which
take the blessing away from our life, which make us discontented
Oh Allah bring back Oh Allah, Oh Allah we especially seek your
forgiveness from those things that have now become part of our life.
And we don't even consider them sins anymore. Oh Allah grant has
beneficial knowledge to eradicate these things and become people who
really, who really love you and who really are the way you want
you want them to be. Oh Allah make us and our children the way you
want us to be. Oh Allah, our brothers and sisters in Palestine,
especially in Palestine, Gaza, and other places Oh ALLAH remove that
oppression from them. Oh Allah remove relieve them. Oh Allah
grant them the dignity and honor and their freedom of Allah grant
them their freedom Allah we sit here safely, and a few fireworks
we can hear in November and we just wonder how it must be for
them that not a not a moment is there without some loud sounds and
destruction and carnage and they don't know where they have to be
the next day. Oh Allah, all of those children who have died in
there. All of those children who have been maimed and there are
those older people and everybody Oh Allah, let your mercy come. Oh
Allah your mercy is already there. But Allah Kula our hearts of Allah
allow us to see relief. Allah allow us to see relief and relief
from all of this. Oh Allah, Oh Allah we ask that you allow us to
do what's correct, what's productive, and what is right for
us to do. Oh Allah use us for the service of your deen. Use us for
the service of your deen and Oh Allah, we pray to you that above
us, those who are in charge those who make the rules of Allah give
them insomnia. Give them a true understanding of what the reality
is of Allah do not let them fall prey to various different
interests that are that are destroying this world of Allah
allow them to be correct in what they're doing and guide them right
Oh Allah guide them right oh Allah guide them rights Subhan Allah be
corrupt Bella is that Yama Yasi foon wa salam al more Serena Al
Hamdulillah.
The point of a lecture is to encourage people to act to get
further an inspiration and encouragement, persuasion. The
next step is to actually start learning seriously, to read books
to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of
Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become more aware
of what our deen wants from us. And that's why we started Rayyan
courses so that you can actually take organize lectures on demand
whenever you have free time, especially for example, the
Islamic essentials course that we have on the Islamic essentials
certificate which you take 20 Short modules, and at the end of
that inshallah you will have gotten the basics of most of the
most important topics in Islam and you'll feel a lot more confident.
You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue to live,
you know, to listen to lectures, but you need to have this more
sustained study as well as local law here and Salam aleikum wa
rahmatullah wa barakato.