Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Not Allowing the Wife to Visit her Parents and Family

There's women who get married, they go and they move over to the

husband's area, the husband's house, sometimes, in many cases,

they're living with their in laws. Some cases, they're not living

with the in laws, but they're living very close to the in laws.

So essentially, sometimes they go from one area to another to live

with the husband's family, she's making a massive sacrifice. Now,

I'm still trying to figure this out. Now, this is a very village

mentality, I'm still trying to figure this out. And I haven't

been able to understand it. Right, I probably need to do a bit more

research on this. But in India, and probably in other places, and

I don't know where else. But this is particularly something I've

seen in the Gujrati community is that once they say that you bring

a girl into your family, then she becomes kind of like yours, they

don't let her go to her parent or parents house, which is really

ridiculous. In fact, that they really frown upon it, they really

frown upon it. Now I can understand that if you're married

in love, if you've got if you know if a family here has brought a

daughter in law from badly Dewsbury, Birmingham, Leicester,

whatever, you know, somewhere far, it's difficult for them to keep

going back, I can understand that. But obviously, once in a while

they can go there, they've got parents, she wants to see him, you

know, she wants to see her parents wants the assistance, etc. Right?

After marriage, everybody needs to make some kind of sacrifice, it's

very difficult to do the same things that you were doing before

married marriage, you know, with your flat friends going out, you

know, hanging out with them, whether that be physically hanging

out with them on Facebook or WhatsApp or whatever, you have to

start investing in your new relationships very important.

However, this is cultural, to stop them from going to their parents

house too often, you know, it goes so far, that I had one person

saying that when his daughter in law, goes to her father's house,

meaning her parents house and comes back and bring some food

from there, they don't even eat it. Meaning these inlaws don't eat

it, her in laws don't eat it, the house that she's now living in,

they don't eat it. Basically, the reason why she brings some food

back is because she has to come and cook anyway. So she cooks down

there, uses the you know, their, their supplies, whatever, and

they're fine with it. You know, they're very generous people,

they're fine with it. But the parents here will refuse to eat

from that food, which is ridiculous. I can understand if

there's an issue, but you're making an issue because of some

kind of culture. It's ridiculous. They don't allow them to go back

home. And in some, you know, like, let's just take another example,

let's take a look, you know, locally, let's just say that

you're married within London. So you're, you know, you've a family

has brought a daughter in law from maybe 20 minutes away, right? 30

minutes away around London somewhere, for example, within the

same city. Now, it's easy to go now, one thing where there's an

abuse of the system, and the other side is where the daughter will

keep going back to her family. Right? Like everyday, she's there.

And she's kind of neglecting her new family. She's trying to still

keep her old life alive, right? In the same way that it was before.

She's kind of comes back and sleeps here, right? Or maybe just

kind of just about each at that extreme, extreme. And that's

wrong. Right? She if she's dedicated to this new family, she

shouldn't make that her family. But this new family should also

not stop her from going there. Sometimes what these new families

do is they'll allow it to go you know that there's an agreement

that okay, you can go one day a week, if it's if it's local,

right, if it's close by 20 minutes, half an hour away, if

it's close by, okay, you can go you know, like from here to

Walthamstow, for example, from here to forest gate, from here to

you know, maybe South London or whatever, you can go once a week,

once every two weeks or whatever, but this culture, it dominates

even religious people, it's ridiculous, it's a culture at the

end of the day, there's no harm, okay? If your in laws are really

you know, if the, if the girl's parents are really bad people,

they're gonna provoke her against you, I can understand that. But

you know what, by preventing her from going by making obstacles by

making excuses, and not letting her go, and kind of making it look

bad, frowning upon her giving her tasks on the day that she should

be going there. And the rest of it, you know, however you want to

do it, that kind of psychological torment is going to drive her far

away, her parents are going to figure this out, and they're going

to start feeling bad about this, that is not the way to create love

and affection between two families, believe me, in many

cases where they are allowed to go at healthy, you know, they are

allowed to go at intervals and, you know, not you know, not like

every day, they're, you know, the creates a healthy situation.

That's the collaboration of two families. This is like, we bought

her she's our property now. Right? And we're begrudgingly letting you

use it. We're begrudging letting, that's ridiculous. It's not

Islamic at all to do that, it should be completely fine to to

allow that kind of movement, and a person should feel good about it.

This is culture remember, this is culture to stop them from going.

Right it is and I've tried to ask older people that why isn't said

yes. You know, the only thing they could tell me right is yeah, that

is kind of frowned upon.

But I can tell you why it was frowned upon. Right? I haven't

found an expert on this situation. But this is ingrained, even in

people who've been in this country for 50 years, 40 years, 30 years,

you know, it's ingrained, and it needs to stop. Because, you know,

we Alhamdulillah in this country, in India, okay, you can understand

that there was poverty, right? Maybe there was poverty, and if

you brought, you know, a daughter or somebody else's daughter to

your house, for marriage, etc, you know, you want to show that you

can look after her. So she's not, you know, she doesn't have to keep

going back to a family to get things etc, etc. Right. But here

are hamdulillah everybody seems to be fine, this kind of thought

process needs to be diminished, it needs to be obliterated, because

there is no such thing like this. So may Allah subhanahu wa taala,

give us the Tofik to avoid all of these extremes, and these purely

cultural things that have no benefit or basis. You know, one is

a culture that one is a cultural aspect that has benefit, and that

is fine. If there's a cultural aspect that has benefit and is not

anti Islamic in any way, shape, or form, then keep it it's good. It's

that is what makes us diversified. And that's what enriches our

cultures. But when a part of culture and some frame of mind and

some, you know, some some kind of thought process is against it is

not Islamic, the and there's no benefit as well. Or it's there's

no benefit in a new context and a new situation, then then you need

to abandon it because it just creates resentment is no benefit.

Girls are not like that anymore to think in that way. So we need to

really think about that. May Allah subhanaw taala give us the ability

to understand this so that we don't become a volley mean, we

don't become oppressors without realizing it. Right? Because

there's even religious people who who are doing this working with

Dawa and will hamdulillahi rabbil Alameen