Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Important Questions about a Healthy Marriage
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu lillah wa Salatu was Salam
ala sayyidina, Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi, Germaine behrad,
sobre. And sisters, in the short time that we have, there's only so
much that we can cover about marriage. That's why I didn't use
a PowerPoint, because the PowerPoint I have will be for a
seven hour course. And then you get kind of restricted and all of
that. So I'm going to open up for question answers. And I like to
take a lot of question answers. And the benefit of that is that in
a short amount of time, you can't really cover every aspect of
marriage. So then what you get out of the question, Nancy is what is
actually people are thinking about and what is challenging them and
what is relevant to them. So that's why we can cover a lot of
ground that way. So what I'm going to encourage you to do is to ask
questions. And the way I do this is that no question should be
taboo.
Ask whatever question you want, I may not be able to answer it, I
might not have an answer to it. But that's fine. Right. But at
least that way, we'll get the relevant understanding for the
specific issues that we're dealing with. So let's take some
questions. And then I've got to some other points to cover. Yes.
So the question was that now we're in essentially, I think what
you're saying is that essentially, we're in a culture of egotistical
behavior, fulfillment, self promotion, ostentation, and, and
so on, and so forth. So how does one self critique I mean, that's
become the norm and standard. It's not entirely the normal standard,
that is what people would like to make it like that. But if we just
take a step back, and we start really thinking about it, I think
we can discover that if there's, whenever we're trying to promote
ourselves not for a very specific, beneficial objective, then that
means that we're doing it for the wrong reason. If we're doing
anything for our self gratification, that's, that's
clearly going to be the wrong kind of promotion of yourself. There
are permissible reasons if I run a business, and I'm doing things
within the Sharia parameters to promote my business, if I sell
cakes, for example, or sell dresses or sell books, then I can
do that. However, if I'm not selling anybody, but myself, so
who am I selling? What am I selling? Am I just selling me as a
person, and I'm not making any money out of that. I'm not making
any, I'm not trying to guide somebody out of that.
So there are gray areas, there are some clearly permissible areas.
And there are certainly some gray areas. And there are some totally
haram areas, the gray areas are like, for example, a scholar, or
who wants to be an influencer, they have to be very, very careful
that they're promoting
that people receive guidance, rather than they're promoting
their personality, I can see a very gray area there. And I've
dealt with that meaning as a personal challenge. Because then
the way you look at it is that for example, if I have my own way of
doing something, and I see that somebody else, another scholar is
maybe getting a lot of likes for their comedic exchange of some
sorts, or for doing something extracurricular.
Right, skydiving, for example, right, and they get a lot of
likes, should I do that for the same reason, then I have to say,
Stop, that's not me. Right? That's not who I am. And that's not for
the right reason that I'm doing that. So there are definitely gray
areas with disregard. But usually, for the majority of people, you
must be I just spoke about this earlier that let's just say that
you are trying to sell cakes, then that's understandable that you
dress up your cakes, and you're trying to sell them because trying
to make money out of that, right. However, if you're just trying to
promote that you're a really good cook. And everything you just keep
putting out there I would be careful about that might not be an
ego thing, you might be encouraging other people and give
them recipes to cook better, that would be okay. But if you're doing
this just so that everybody just praises you, I'd be very scared of
that for another reason that you might even get the evil eye on
your food that you put out there all the time. Right because I
think evil eye is not just physically is just not limited to
physical distance. It could be you know, online as well. So, it
really depends on how you are and I don't think it's that difficult
yet once you start getting concerned and you learn a bit
about ego and the knifes then you can really self diagnose. I think
the only person who would never get this person he was never
worried about ego no doesn't know what ego is and doesn't know the
Islamic aspects of the knifes and so on. Once you learn about that,
I think it's L L L mn knowledge is always what's going to help us
diagnose about these things in Sharla.
Yes, any questions? So the question is that what is the
Islamic model of the husband and wife's role in a marriage if we
can reduce it down to that husband?
Why strolled in marriage? Is there a role that the Sharia promotes or
has outlined?
And what is the guidance around that? So I think, in many, many
aspects, what a shoe does is that it actually provides boundaries,
and limits and directives. So for example, when you look at
something like the political system of Islam, there is not one,
there is not only one model that were, that is sanctioned in the
Sharia. Rather, if you read mostly Turkey's book on some politics
will tell you that it's actually lots of principles and boundaries
and guidelines and directives that has been provided that the
structure could be used. And I think it's similar like that in
marriage. Although if we look at the life of Ali Radi Allahu Anhu.
And 14 Out of the Allah one had the daughter of the Prophet, Hello
son, the son in law, then we realized that it was him split the
outside jobs of the house, to add you to the Alana inside to our
Isha to 14 out of the Allahu Ana. So that's a good world, that's a
perfect,
you can say, a perfect model to follow for in a traditional home,
right in a traditional relationship with the wife is not
forced to work, the guidance is that the wife cannot be forced to
work only in the situation where the husband tries everything and
they're really struggling, then maybe she you know, then it would
be praiseworthy for her to maybe help. But it's not required, it's
never required, man can never force his wife to work. That's
just not a shirt. So there's boundaries like that we can we can
discuss now, if we if we if we look at modern families, in some
cases, where in some cases, the wife is actually making more money
than than than the husband. So what do we do in that situation?
Does that give her justification? For example, we've got quality
justification, or we've got calls to justify that he must then do
literally half of everything in the house. If that's what you want
to do that could be permissible to do there's nothing against that.
But that's not the traditional role use usually. And if the
husband is bringing enough money into the house, then it depends do
they need the wife's money or not? Something could just be that they
just want a career and they just want to make lots of money. But
it's not really required? Does the husband then have to do half not
necessarily, because that's not really his role. When you say half
is half of the household chores, you look at the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam, there were definitely household chores that
he did, we have to really get into that he did men this close,
however, been looking, he never cooked. And I don't ever see that
promise of cook the dish, he would come home after fajr. I mean,
after sunrise. Is there any food in the house? Right? I mean, the
wives never cooked in many occasions because they didn't have
anything to cook in some cases. Right? So yes, we do talk about
that. There was just ate some water or vinegar and bread, right?
In some cases, but you don't hear about that. So however, if that's
what they want to comfortably do, that's completely up to them. We
have cases where
there was a case of a couple who are both lawyers, this is in
America, where there's a big kind of power struggle in terms of
where you graduate from, in terms of where you did your law degree.
And that kind of identity
puts you in a certain position. So the wife had a better law degree
from a better university than the husband, eventually that led to a
divorce because it was quite crazy. It was quite crazy. There's
there's just so many factors involved. I'm just trying to give.
I'm just trying to give some, some general laws here. If a wife wants
to do wants to go and work, right, and, you know, fulfill her career
demands in that sense. But the husband is making enough to
support them, then she she can't oblige the husband to do half the
work in the house, inside the house, just because she's outside
as well, because that's not the Islamic model, the the basic
Islamic model there. If they both agreed to do that, or he wants to
be a stay a stay at home father, right. And he does all the
internal she does that outside. That's not necessarily encouraged.
Right? Unless he's got a proper Halal job, right? Where there's
no, you know, there's no going against Islamic limits. He's got a
wonderful home based business, for example, he's making loads of
money. That could be okay. So there's a traditional model that
we know if you want to go against that, or you want to adjust that
it could be permissible as long as they both agree, but there is a
general model that would be encouraged. I hope that gives some
idea of what we're trying to look at here. I mean, because there's
no doubt that the mother is just a much better mother than the
Father. Right? And I don't think that we can make this so fluid,
right, because there's just certain things that the women only
women can do.
That only women can do. Like
Nurse, breastfeed and certain other things that a man cannot do,
at least not yet. And hopefully never, right? Because I know
there's lots of
things going on out there, you understand what I'm saying? So
there's just a woman, Allah has just created women just better
equipped for that role. I don't get it. I mean, I don't getting
off the topic here, but I just don't get it. Where a woman is for
her career, she will leave her children with a stranger. Like, I
just don't get that, especially if there's no need for it if there's
a need, okay? But you're going to pay the I mean, this country, you
pay a lot of money. It's not like it's not where you can, but you
know, get a driver 400 pound a month, right? Or a cook 400 pound
a month here you pay, right? I just don't get that. Like, I just
don't get that. But there are cases where it might be possible,
where it might happen. Right, where it might even be necessary.
So Yeah.
QUESTION sort of phrases. So the question to phrase your question
is saying that in some cases, you know, you have this maybe modern
concept of attraction for one another lover, first sight, and so
on, so forth. And then you have the other aspect where in many
cultures, they don't really care about that. And they just want to
get somebody that's going to be a spouse that's just going to be
wonderful for the family, or they think they're going to be
wonderful for the family. Right? So none of those, none of those
are correct. That what Islam would recommend and what just decency,
we're just reasonable understanding what good
relationship with just demand is that you get a you get the best of
both worlds, that you try to accommodate both of those things.
And they're not mutually exclusive things, you can definitely get
somebody that you're attracted to. And that's why Islam says, Go and
look at them. One of the Sahaba he got engaged and the Salah, or he
got married, and the province of the low, some awesome. Did you see
her? He said no, he said, Well, you should see her because that's
going to help to create more permanence. We've got some
cultures where they don't allow you to see some extremely,
extremely, you can say ultra conservative, extra conservative
conscious where they don't even see and I've dealt with them. I
had a friend in South Africa who was from a certain place in India,
India has multiple cultures, you can't even paint everybody with
the same brush. He was from a very specific very, very, ultra
cultural area where you don't see your spouse. He says, I cried on
the day of my marriage. I cried on that day. Okay. And now I'm
speaking to him after I think 12 years of marriage. So he's from
India, but he's an imam in South Africa. And his family had finally
come. And he said, I've just gotten, it's tolerant, tolerable
now. Otherwise, they did not like my wife, because I just could not
find any. But the culture was that you can't even divorce because
then massive things happen. And they're very debilitating. And
that's not Islam, that is not Islam. If you look at the Sahaba,
they were they were divorced. They were they got remarried. And it
was just so easy. It was just so easy to do that. We need to create
that because there's a lot of curbs in this. And there's a lot
of women who are depressed because a lot of times that women get
women get stigmatized and blamed for a divorce or in a lot of
cases. And in some cultures, women who are divorced can't get married
again. It is so messed up. A woman called me she's got two children,
she got married secretly said, now she's only problem with a secret
marriage. I don't I don't, I don't really, I really say don't do
that. Right. And I said, Why did you do that? She said, Well, my,
my, my my family would disown me. Why would they disown you, they'll
take my house away, the family's got an extra house that they
letting her use if she gets married again. They're gonna
disown her and take that away. Why not? Why? You look, you've got all
the children are crusherone.
Like, aren't you embarrassed to get married again, when you've got
all the children like what kind of a weird idea is that? In the
Sharia, we actually have an encouragement to get married, even
if it's your last day in this world. Like you don't want to be,
you actually don't want to be single before you die. Like if
you're really really old and your husband died or your wife died,
you should get married the next day, that's encouragement in the
shear, right? That's why someone's everybody should be married.
That's, that's what you want to be. So you've got some really bad
cultural aspects here. And I think that's what we're speaking about
here. You want to get the best of you want to get the best of both
worlds. And that's where you have to lift the culture out of all of
this. And the parents need to work with their children. A lot of
parents want their children to marry their cousin. Right? Because
they promised them from and this is worse in some cultures in some
cultures than the other. Right? And I think I'm sitting with a lot
of people from a very, very debilitating culture in that
regard. Right. I have to I have to highlight the Punjabi culture. You
guys have been many Punjabis. It's very debilitating. One thing, the
good good, good charities have a lot of problem but they don't have
this aspect. Right? They do. I mean, there are some cases but
you're I've seen people who've lost their lost the Eman a woman
called me. She is about 40 years old. I figured out eventually she
asked me about a very specific issue of I don't know Salah
Something you know, only somebody who's really into their Deen would
be worried about that kind of a thing. And then, as I continue to
speak to her, she says she's married to a non Muslim. So how do
you reconcile that? It was a broad question about Islam than I could
have known. But it was very specifically, you know, she's
particular. So then she explained that when she was younger, she was
forced to marry. And then after that, she just ran away from the
faith because a lot of parents would they do this cloak this in
Islam. Right, you have to listen to your parents. Yes, you do have
to listen to your parents, but not when it's harmful. You don't have
to listen to your parents when it's harmful. I hate to say it
that way. But if it's oppressive, if it's suffocating, if it's bad
for you, you don't have to, especially in the Hanafi school,
the wife, the woman has to be consulted and has to permit her
Nika.
After she's mature, she has to be agreeable to that Nica. Otherwise,
it doesn't even take place. Right? It doesn't even take place. So
that's how that's how Islam. So it needs to be a bit of both. If you
do want your children to marry somebody, then you need to both be
on the same wavelength from a younger age and do that therapy in
the same way so that you can assist them and they can assist
you and you can come to some agreement. You never speak about
marriage, you will never speak about what the likes and dislikes
are. You'll never speak about what is good or bad. And then suddenly,
when it comes time to their marriage, you like you have to
marry this person. You're not on any common wavelength. And if you
wanted your culture, you should have stayed back in that culture.
Now that you come to England, right, you can't help assimilate.
For example, about me, there's nothing about me except myself.
That is Gujarati right now.
Right? This shawl of mine is Yemeni. Right. This cloth is from
Pakistan. But it's made in Saudi style. My watch is Japanese, my
pen is American. Okay, my hat. And my turban is Turkish. i My socks
is next. No, it's actually Kirkland. Costco, I don't know
made in wherever. What's Gujrati about me?
Do you understand, but I love the Gujrati culture, the good parts of
it, at least.
Every one of our cultures has good parts, but they also have
suffocating parts. And until you don't free yourself of that you're
going to be a major problem. But you can't divorce your culture
either. That's crazy. Because a lot of people they say that I want
to marry a convert. Great, you can marry convert, and we need to
accommodate them. So why though, because our people come with
baggage.
Right? You come with baggage is any converts here.
Don't convert come with baggage. Everybody comes with baggage. It's
just the baggage you don't know. So you're just a bit dissatisfied
with the baggage you know. So like I can escape that baggage. And a
lot of time what people do is that they actually stereotype and I
really hate that. So because the people that you know who are
Muslim, they come late to like all Muslims come late. I mean, my
Turkish friends, they don't come late.
My Turkish Muslim friends that I have they don't come late. Is only
the Indian, Pakistani Bangladeshi. Is that come late. Do you
understand? Or not even all of them? I'm stereotyping, but not
all of them. Do you understand what I'm saying? Never stereotype.
There's wonderful majorities and Punjabis and Bengalis and protons,
and you know, there's good in everybody, and there's weird parts
in everybody. So, and this modern world allows us to look at it that
way. So basically, you should get the best of both worlds where
there is a functional person you're gonna have, but then you
also attracted to them. And that's not difficult. That is not
difficult at all. I mean, you can get that it's just as long as
everybody's on the table, and there's no pressure or force to
marry somebody that you're not inclined to. In fact, I challenge
somebody recently, he was complaining about a certain
marriage and a family that was breaking up. And both the young
couple, they were both born in England. And there is this idea
among the older generation, the first generation who came here
that the girls from England, right, the girls from England,
they don't look after, they don't, they're not really good for
household things, because they just worried about their desserts
and things like that, or their clothes and you know, whatever.
They go on about this thing, right? And you must bring somebody
from India. So I know that family very well. I said, Look, can you
tell me from not the first generation who came from India? I
want you to show me that we have at least three or four people in
this family. Who are the wives that were brought from India,
right brides bought from India. Can you tell me which one of them
fits the bill you're talking about?
So it's a cultural thing that they think is the case? He couldn't
give me because all of those even Indian brides that came from India
have all moved out. They've not been able to stay with the inlaws.
So Are you really serious that is still the case even with a bride
from India? No. The girls in Pakistan and India they they they
This is post modernism we're living in, right. And it's
affected those countries as well. Right? It's affected everywhere.
Unless literally you go to Mauritania and village somewhere,
you know, they've not any outside dimension, they've not had any,
you know, that I can understand. But India, Pakistan, forget it,
unless you're really from some very specific village, that where
it's, it's really what it was before, 100 years ago. It's not
like that anymore. But people don't, they don't realize that
they think that the one they're going to bring from Pakistan is
going to be much superior, that's really putting down the British
girls.
Right? That's really messed up. Like you can't find somebody
within your culture. That's decent. That's why you have to go
to another culture. Again, I'm not against culture. But I'll tell you
something, getting married in your own culture is much easier than
getting married into another culture. Because already, you
know, there's already struggles of getting married to an individual.
There's so many things to learn, you add another culture into that
there's like 10, other things or multiple other things you have to
worry about. If the same culture Chilhowee Nobita, you know, we
know one another, right? At least we don't have to worry about that
aspect. Because imagine your family has to get involved in
cultural, cultural expectations. And if people are sensitive about
you getting involved in our cultural, you're not you're not
you didn't come to visit us, you know, when somebody had a child or
you didn't come and stay this many days or whatever, subhanAllah
there's a lot of stuff in that. So I would say that we're still at
that level in this country, just second and third generation yet,
where culture is still important. Right? So we only we're getting
rid of bad culture, we're keeping our good culture but eventually I
think it's going to become a very mixed culture inshallah. Good one,
right? Because I mean, at home, most of our food might be good
quality, but we still we cook pasta, we cook lasagna, we cook
pizza, right? And that's not it. That's British, cultural Italian
culture coming into that already. I mean, don't you guys all do
that? Right? Then we have Moroccan Harira soup. We have Moroccan
tajine at home, right? We have Mediterranean lentil soup, we have
homeless. I mean, I can live on homeless for a week with good
bread. Right? That's not very good. It Do you understand, but
that's where we are now. But it's still going to take some time for
people. Like my father, when he travels, he has to take eat, you
know, he can't eat other kinds of foods. That's one of the biggest
struggles I have no problem. Right? So there's still it's gonna
take time to adjust. So don't, don't throw out your culture.
There's good aspects of old culture.
Right, and you want to keep those, you just want to get rid of the
bad aspects and you want to assimilate other good aspects of
other cultures, Turkish culture, Somali culture, Punjabi culture,
Bengali culture, whatever, you know, you can take the best out of
all of them. That's where we are now, that's the world is a new
place. Responsibility of bringing up daughters does it specifically
fall fall on the shoulders of the mother, no, a falls on the on the
wrist. It's the shoulders of both of them. They both have a
responsibility. However, you can't expect the father to be teaching
them about feminine issues. So that would be you can say more
responsibility of the mother. However, the father is ultimately
responsible. So if his wife cannot teach will not teach or whatever
the case is, he'll have to find somebody to teach to give them
that information. So ultimately, the responsibility does fall on
the heart because the father is the responsible man. When they say
he's the head of the household. Rachel Yukawa Munna Allah Nisa,
that means responsibility isn't it doesn't mean dictatorship that you
can come back and stretch his legs and have everybody do his bidding.
Right? It's really about responsive that the buck stops
with him. So while the mother is also responsible for whatever it
is her department in the home, right, ultimately, it is the
father, but if the mother has shortcomings, and she will be
sinful as well, right. But the father, he is he has to keep it
all together. Yes, yes. I think in some cases, people do have high
expectations in a marriage because they idealize marriage in the
wrong way. And a lot of people
have not been taught marriage in with the right environment of
their parents have not tried to teach them the best of luck and
character in anticipation of marriage.
Right. So what they do is they've picked up what a marriage should
be through movies and other glamour magazines or glamour
situations or influences or whatever the case is. And the
problem with those is that they usually end up in divorces anyway.
Right? So what we need to understand is go back to the
Islamic aspect and the boundaries that are created. And that's what
I tried to do in the beginning, right to try to provide what we're
supposed to do is an objective which is to please Allah subhanaw
taala fulfill as sunnah be be the best parents that you can be for
the next generation and become a wonderful piece of the fabric of
the community. So yes, definitely, I think there's been an over Roman
over idealization of the wrong ideas in marriage. So we need to
come back and understand what the real aspects are of that
Okay, I'll take this and then there were some other hands, I'll
do those very good point.
How do you find a spouse and not date? How do you find a decent
spouse?
Without dating? So dating is not an answer to everything. The
problem with dating is that you date somebody, for the first few
days you will be at your best, then you let your guards down, get
informal,
my weaknesses and defects will become noticeable.
And then they're like, Okay, we're not married anyway, I can forget
this guy.
If we get married, and then there's gonna definitely be
weaknesses that you will see, but you've already invested into the
marriage, so you will do better. However, that doesn't mean you're
gonna just marry anybody. Okay? What you don't want, what you want
to do, is, this is just my suggestion. This is not the only
way. My suggestion is that when you identify somebody, a potential
spouse, go and find out everything you can about them beforehand,
through asking common folk, right, friends of the family, and others.
And that won't be too difficult. If it's something that unless they
like total strangers, nobody knows them, that would be a bigger risk
to take. So try to find out everything, then go and propose,
and then go and meet them. Just to clarify any further things. So
already, you've done your 50%, you're very satisfied. Now you
just have to or 70%, you're satisfied. She just has or he just
has to say yes. Now, I just want to make sure the voice doesn't
sound crazy, or something like that now, right? Do you understand
what I mean? What you don't want to do is gone, keep meeting
people, and then discover things later that you could have found
out before and then say, No, people don't like being let down.
And it's not good for your record that you've seen seven people and
still haven't been able to find somebody I get really, I find that
really weird. I've seen seven, and I can't find the right person. I
went to the first one. And I that was it. Like I just don't
understand why people have to go to these people who say I've 10
years I've been looking
10 years I've been looking, maybe your criteria is too messed up.
It's too restrictive. And remember, the older you get, the
more particular you become. When you're younger, you're very
flexible, you're willing to take risks, even psychologically,
mentally, you become much more risk averse, when you're about
over 25. That's why your insurance is higher when you're when you're
younger, they know this, right? But as you get older, you become
more particular, you've had more experience with people so you know
how people work. So you become more particular. But the pool of
people that might be interest gets smaller.
So you're fighting against time, and then you have an expiry date.
And women have a close X ray than men. So you have to you have to do
it sooner than later. So try this is my idea. Try to find out as
much as possible from
you know, outside that you can about them, common friends, etc.
hire an investigator if you want. Just joking, right? Get your
sister, like if it's a guy, get your sister to interact with them
or a cousin to interact with them. If you're if you're a sister, and
it's about a brother, you know, get your, you'll learn about
personality that,
you know, in some Arab cultures, the mother or the Auntie will go
and she'll literally actually even check how much flesh on the cuffs.
Right, just to see that, you know, she's not some really thin 20, you
know, person in those days, I guess maybe he was, you know, that
was an important thing. What some Yemenis do I heard is that they'll
take the prospective groom to camera.
Because in traveling, you figured out everything. So the men will
take the prospective groom for Amara. So they figure him out,
like how does this guy work under stress? Right? There's multiple
ways use any means possible that you can figure these things out.
Just be creative about it. Right? Yes, if you've just got a flame
online somewhere, then you know, that might be more difficult,
right? Unless you're very resourceful. And you figure out
people in that local area, and so on. That's how you do it, then you
just have the questions that you can ask. So you can ask, you know,
some questions. In my book, I've got 50 questions you can ask, but
please don't ask all 50. Right. They're not like a whole set that
you is just to give you ideas, what is relevant for you don't go
in with a list because I remember one couple, they just didn't
because she felt that he was interviewing her in that
interrogating her. So find the questions, and ask the relevant
questions to you from that you can understand personally give them
scenarios maybe don't just ask what's your favorite Hadith?
What's your favorite Quranic verse? Right? Don't just ask kind
of, you know, open ended questions like that, although that could be
very telling as well. I don't even read Quran man. You know, like, I
don't know, I've never looked at translation. I don't know what it
is versus my best. So be creative. I think be creative, and inshallah
that way and then after that you need you do istikhara and you make
matura with the right kind of people who know both of you, then
trust in Allah.
I know a guy who got married without even talking to his wife.
Because in 30 years ago, that wasn't a big culture. He saw his
wife
He didn't talk to her. He wanted to hear her voice where she was
from another town is particular about accents. So in those days,
he got his sister to call her. And he picked up the other landline
phone where you could as like, Okay, your voice sounds okay.
Right? Because that's important for him, it was like accent was an
issue. And she was from, you know, Birmingham, right? For example,
you know, brother, right? Also, right. So that's, you know,
whatever is important for you, you need to have that checked out.
Because remember, you also want to know about their families, because
you're not marrying an individual, you're gonna get there some family
involvement, we're gonna have to be there. Right. So it's always
good to understand their family, always good to understand. And
sometimes you can actually find out behavior or certain people
from their family, although that's becoming less and less, because
we're individual. There's individualism now, and you don't
get children to think the same as even their fathers and mothers
anymore. Right? Everybody's on their own wavelength now, but
that's another way of doing it. I think the less you know, the more
difficult it is. So that's why you could get into one of these
Instagram marriages, right? Where you don't really know and it could
work out wonderful. Or it could be a problem. If that was me, I would
probably find some contact where they live and figure things out. I
call the local Masjid to see if they know that family, literally,
that's what I would do. I'm just giving you ideas. I call the local
Masjid there and try to find out from them. If they know that
family, give me a contact person that might know that family, and
then I'll ask them questions.
I'm just saying you have to do the best that you can.
Okay, let's take some of these questions in sha Allah.
Well,
as essays here, this is a very sensitive question here that let's
just say that somebody had previous haram relationship.
Do you have to disclose that the problem there is that you
are not allowed to reveal a sin. So we shouldn't be saying our sins
allowed. However, if the person, it's going to cause a big issue,
you can try to skirt the question, if it's something they never will
find out, then you can just kind of dodge the question somehow and
just move on. If it's something that is going to be found out, and
that's going to be seen as a massive breach of trust, because
trust is one of the most important factors of marriage, I'll tell you
that right now. If you've done something wrong in your marriage,
and you get caught, meaning they find out, own up to it, and deal
with it that way.
Because if you lie,
and you get found out, that's worse off, I'm just telling you
that from experience, it's just much better to be upfront and say,
I'm really sorry, I made this mistake. Okay? Unless you can get
away with it.
Because sometimes it's just better because some people can't deal
with problems. Right, there's a given taken that. Recently, I
dealt with a case where a woman gets married to a guy.
And she thinks he's never had any previous encounters, because
they're from a very decent family half is is in the family and so
on. And then suddenly,
she finds an envelope. And in the it's from the * health clinic or
sexual health clinic or whatever,
she would have ignored it, but it's a sexual health what's going
on here? Find out it's for a test for STDs or whatever, what's going
on? Just she's just been married for like two months.
And you can imagine just blew her mind, like what's going on here.
So now the guy came clean. He said, Look, I've had I've had some
relationships in the past. And before my marriage, I just wanted
to take this test to make sure I don't have anything. Now shaytaan
is there and she's like,
she said, Hamdulillah, you'd actually not considering the
marriage for some reason or the other. Right? So
but I felt really bad that he hadn't told me and he's going to
put me under, you know, he's risking this with me, and so on
and so forth. And
I can't sit down. I said, Look, he's just this particular woman is
very efficient, very particular. She's very organized. And the
husband I am, I understood from what you're saying is not very
organized each other. He wanted to take the test, but he delayed,
delayed delayed, and then after that, and then he didn't even get
rid of the evidence, and all that kind of stuff. Just poor guy.
Right. So I said, Look, don't don't discount him straight away.
This is probably what it is. Don't think everybody's like you and
they would have sorted it out and everything. And the fact that he
had issues do you trust him now? Right? Yeah, I do trust him.
Because you have to give people a chance. People have made mistakes.
People have made mistakes, right. So Alhamdulillah I think she can
said yes, it was exactly what I explained. I said He probably
wanted to take the test. And he just couldn't get round to it. And
he then took the test Alhamdulillah and they find out
right? So there are these kinds of things that will come about, but
you're not supposed to reveal. That's the idea.
But if it's both ways, both ways, absolutely. I mean, it's haram
right to reveal. But you can't misrepresent either. If it's
something that's going to be find out, you have to be very careful
about this. I had a case of a guy who I know a woman called me and
she said that my husband wants to divorce me, we've only been
married for I don't know, several months or something. I said, why?
Oh, he found out that I had relationship two years ago or
something. So he was, you know, and I was like, I felt really bad
for her. I said that, you know, people make mistakes. So I said,
Okay, that's wrong, then her husband calls me.
And
so what's going on? Why are you divorcing your wife? Or, like, are
you so perfect? You know, you may have never had an issue before.
But, you know, she's made over where he says, no, no, that's not
the real reason. That was my excuse. So what's the real reason?
I don't like the way she looks.
So the Why did you marry her?
This is a very good example is a very important one. Why did you
marry her, then? Why did you get married? I mean, because this
wasn't a case of those cultures where you can't see the wife,
right?
He said, because she had loads of makeup on.
Right? And it was totally different afterwards.
She must herself essentially, she had a mask on. Right? So I said,
Why don't you just tell her that I don't like the way you look? And
you had that said, I want to make her feel bad.
Can you see this whole dilemma you're going? I said, you know,
the what you're doing is wrong. You don't have to tell her that
you're ugly.
Right? Because she might not be easy, you don't like, right? You
can just say something like, Look, you had makeup on, and I couldn't
see you. And I'm just not attracted to you. You don't have
to call somebody ugly. I'm just not attracted to you. People don't
have you know, people don't have to be ugly to not be attractive.
Do you see what I'm saying? I said, but tell her the truth. So
that she can learn a lesson from this as well that she must
herself. That's why I think that women don't mask yourself. Because
you don't want that's no deception, you shouldn't do any
kind of deception. Some people, they sell their children by
packaging them. Right, and he's a drug dealer, or he was a drug
dealer.
Right? He still is. And they think that by getting married, you're
going to sort him out. That's very, very wrong, to package
yourself or your children to get married. And then there's a
deception in that. You don't, you don't definitely don't want to do
that. How to deal with having a higher * drive than the husband.
What I would suggest if somebody has a higher * drive than their
husband, they should have a conversation.
They should have a conversation relationship within a few months
of your marriage to should be eventually to such a degree that
you could discuss anything.
I know some of these things take a bit longer, right. But eventually,
you need to come to a level where you can discuss this. Now, I don't
have the details here what that means, like, what does that how
many times a week and so on. Because if the husband is not even
obliging once a week, that's a problem, especially at the
beginning of marriage, that's an issue. Maybe he's got an issue or
whatever. So there could be a lot more to this than meets the eye.
Now, if the husband is providing a service twice a week, at least,
right? And that's still to less than have a conversation. Now, the
husband might not want to get into the full act. But there's other
ways of fulfillment that the husband can oblige, right? So
think of that way. Like you don't have to go the full way you can.
You can use other means, and so on and so forth.
Or is it? Yeah, again, I don't know enough details. But a lot of
the time, I'll tell you since we're on this topic, a lot of the
time what happens is that the men are selfish, and the women don't
want to take part. And the men are complaining that she's constantly
refusing and making excuses like I don't want to have to wash my
hair. I don't want to have to have a shower. And just too, it takes
too much. Usually what I tell the men is because you guys don't know
what you're doing. And you're very, very selfish. Probably. A
lot of men they don't know how to please a woman. Like literally
they don't understand foreplay. It's in our religion, our fuqaha
and jurist and Hadith have spoken about this. The Western and know a
lot of this I don't want to get into that. It's in my book. The
western have female * didn't know what that was. Until the
early 1900s. The doctors literally used to give females * with
their fingers to get rid of anxiety.
That's why they developed the the *.
It's crazy stupid. It sounds weird today over sexualized while we're
living in check the check the history it's there.
Islam has known about all of these things and Muslims have known if
you look at Abner Kodamas book and the Hadith about this is very,
very clear. One of the Hadith says that the best woman is the one
who's extremely chaste, but extremely adventurous when it
comes to with a husband.
Right? There's this clear hadith is in my book, there's a whole
intimacy section in there about so I'll just leave you with one thing
for the men, right? The reason your wives don't in
Joyce is because you're selfish, and you're just fulfilling
yourself and you're giving and she's made to feel like an
instrument. Right? I'm being very blatant here, right? Because a lot
of marriages are on the rock. Because of this, they're not
satisfied. So that's why I've dealt with cases where they're
coming up with small, small issues. And you know, when you've
had the experience of like, these can't be issues of breaking your
marriage, what is the real issue here? And then you eventually
discuss his sexual frustration, but they're not willing to speak
about that so openly. So this is a suggestion from a friend of mine.
And it works, right? I've said that to a lot of people, I think
it's in my book as well. Men should wait for the wife to
complete twice before they finish once,
then you'll have no problem.
They got something in there for them. And they'll be more than
willing. But if there's nothing in there, and it's just your
satisfaction in terms of demand, there's a problem here. Right?
When it comes to you know, the wife having a higher than I need
to understand what exactly is going on? I need a bit more
information on that. Okay. And pre marital, okay, in terms of
premarital counseling, should sexual expectation and such
behavior
such
and please write legibly my
sexual expectation and such be discussed with him? No, I don't
think I don't think so. There's one convert once I was in Canada,
and shows there's somebody wants to speak to you. So she's a
convert been, you know, had been through a very bad background, you
can say come through that. He's like shaking, you guys need to
make an AIDS tests obligatory for a marriage.
So I thought about it. And I said, I don't think it's that big of an
issue yet.
And I think now they found cures. I mean, this was a while back.
But should there be STD test that the husband or wife must take?
I don't know. Do you think it's that time that we should kind of
encourage that or obligate that?
They do that.
They do that? Because it's getting quite bad. Is getting quite bad.
So man, Allah, I just got a call the other day. This guy he.
He said, There's a woman that he hooked up with somehow she
approached him in the town center. And she works close to where he
is. And they'd be online contemplating marriage. And one
day, she just decided in lunchtime to come and visit him at his
house. And he said, it was a mistake. But I said, Okay, I was
about to go to work. And she comes in, but she knew exactly what she
wanted to do. Can I give you a hug, please? And then hug and
within a few minutes, it was all done and dusted. Now she's
pregnant?
And can she have an abortion? I said, Well, let her call me. Like,
I can't give you the answer. You know, it was distraught, very,
very distraught. It's the sexual freedom and looseness is just
really, really bad. That's something to think about on
another level anyway. Okay, next question, please. Yeah, so I don't
think sexual expectations, no, that's going to be a very tough
discussion. And then it could easily lie, you're gonna say, oh,
and it five times a week. Like there is a woman she had a child.
And then after that, it must have been several months after that.
She said he wants it five times a week. My question was like, What
are you feeding him?
Right.
That was just the, but
as I said, what I discussed earlier has got a lot to do with
it.
It's about compassion, and thought for the other. If both couples,
right, one of the adverbs one of the other is that if both couples
are worried about the other satisfaction,
that will make life a lot easier, you will get your satisfaction in
that. But that's what you need to be concerned about. Yes. And
narcissism is very difficult to get rid of. So what it is, is that
I deal with, I've dealt with a number of questions regarding a
husband mostly, or a wife, who does X, Y, and Zed. So I say that
tell your father, so tell his father, he doesn't listen to his
father. Tell his brother he doesn't listen to tell a friend
doesn't listen. Man tell the Imam local Masjid he listens to nobody.
He's always right. Okay, what am I going to do about it?
I said you're going to, if you are in that situation,
then there's a power struggle here. And the tension is this that
if I so look, the husband knows exactly how the wife works, how
much to push her and how to intimidate her and likewise the
other way around, usually, but it's usually the women who get the
raw, you know dealing this right so
The idea will be that
the way to get out of this or change the status quo is only one
way is to change your strategy.
So you can, you can no longer just keep nagging the way you were, or
protesting the way you were. Because he already knows that that
doesn't work. You've tried it for five years, it doesn't work. So
come on, like it's not going to work. What a lot of people are
waiting for, they're not willing to take a stand. A stand means,
okay, I'm not having this anymore. I'm going home. That's already
been dealt with a number of cases where the guy is gonna say you are
divorced, basic, and I'm going to divorce you, I don't need you. If
you don't do that. This woman wants to stay in the marriage.
Question is that is he genuinely sincere about that?
They usually make it out that he is. So then she's scared about
that. But then there's no way out of it, then do somebody. But if
it's so lacking, if it's so difficult, you have to take a
stand. There's a woman, a woman study called me about seven years
ago, they were still sleeping together.
And there was some big issues that they could not
that they could not resolve, right? She's already called me
about after 10 years of problems,
finances or somebody.
I said, Look, you're gonna have to take a stand. No, I'm too scared.
I said, Well, there's no other option. He doesn't listen to
anybody. She has tried to bring everybody in, but it doesn't make
a difference. Said you're gonna have to take a stand. You're gonna
have to do a gamble here. Take a stand and see if it works. Oh, but
what about if he divorces me, I said there's no other way.
You either change the tactic and use soft power to overcome him.
Women have soft power, use it sometimes by the use the wrong
type of power.
So sometimes you can actually win somebody over with soft power.
They don't use them. So they try to say more things and think that
is going to be a miracle.
Allah is only going to answer if you make an effort and use
different tactics.
Okay, then I don't hear from her for two years or two years. I'm in
calls again now, I think. So she calls me after two years and the
situation has worsened. And I'm saying, Look, you're gonna have to
take us out. Only you can do this. Nobody else can make a decision
for you. Or change the state. You've already tried everything.
I'm still too scared. Finally, she calls me again after another two
years. We're not even sleeping together anymore.
But I'm scared of divorce. I said, Well, there's no two ways about
it. Sometimes the divorce is a better situation.
Other cases where they've taken a stand, yes, some has ended up in
divorce. But in other cases actually got better. The husband
was just in what was just threatening. He loved her enough
for love the family enough to not let it go and actually forced him
to change. That's why
what I've started doing in my Bionz and hotbars I literally
asking people, is there anybody here who's always right?
And never wrong?
Anybody
who's always right, mashallah, because I'm looking for that
person.
That's the person we're talking about. If so, you don't have to
reveal yourself. But if you are a person who thinks that always
right,
then you are causing a lot of problem to others. That's a
narcissistic personality.
The only way you can overcome that is through a different type of a
different strategy, soft power, or ask for a calamity.
A lot of these people will not sort themselves out unless a
calamity hits them from Allah. And then they get humbled.
You don't want that way. Right. So if you are a narcissist, if you
are always right and a narcissist, then are you waiting for a
calamity? I've seen a person who was very
arrogant in a sense. And then eventually he got a sickness, very
debilitating sickness. He became such a humble guy.
Is that what you're waiting for? Unfortunately, in our culture,
there is.
Fathers are very narcissistic. Some men are very narcissistic.
They just think they're right. And it must be the way they do. They
think things. And I don't know what the solution today's
I don't know. I can't We can't give. There's no magic. There's no
magic to this, unfortunately. And usually I'm talking to the wife,
not the husband, because he knows when I'll really tell him. But I'm
not. And he doesn't want to talk to me. You see what I'm saying?
You see the dilemma here? So I don't know what the solution to
that is. Yeah. Are they the same thing? Lacking empathy? No,
suddenly, you don't have to be knowledgeable, you just don't see
these personality types. So for example, you know, when you do
that, that was that test called the Myers Briggs test, you'll find
that some people are just naturally not very, don't have
much empathy, but they can learn empathy. You don't have to be a
narcissist to not have empathy. For example, they've got one. I'm
not sure if it's in that test or another one where the person is
the logician.
so they don't know how to be empathic to be emphatic, no.
empathetic, not emphatic is like, yeah, empathetic. However, given
the they do learn quickly, because they may have never done it, they
may have never seen their father do it, or their mother do it for
them, honestly, they don't know how to do it. But they learn on
the job. And some people who are very narcissistic, they probably
don't know how to do it.
So you read the about I don't think they both have to come
together.
Yes, one. So let's put it this way. Usually * is a
bigger issue in men than women, it is definitely an issue in women as
well, but on a much lower level. So that's where we start from. And
what I have done a recent guidance video on that, which you can look
at. But the main thing I tell women, because they're usually the
ones they call and they just totally devastated. And I'm
telling her that look, don't be devastated with unfortunately,
there's a lot of people who do that. I'm not saying that to
justify, I tell them, but don't feel it as an affront to you. So
for women, they feel that anti enough. This is the competition
almost this means that I'm really not sufficient. So now you are
could be sufficient. But this is just too much this is this is over
the top. And because it's so easy to access 100 years ago, if you if
anybody wants you to do something, have to go out of the house and
find someone to do something with. Now within five minutes, you could
have 20 different people that you see in whatever postural position
that you want to have. It's a major, I don't know what Allah has
intended with us. But you know, I think that people before could
have just been much more pure by default, because they just didn't
have even possibility of this. Whereas now it's just so easy. So
then I tell the women usually that you are in the best position to be
the therapist.
If your husband is a religious guy who has some thing to do with
religion, and he's probably feeling very guilty, because this
is an addiction, and he probably doesn't want to he probably feels
bad every time he does it. Right. That's one aspect. So what you
need to do is you need to look, I understand you're doing it don't
get so distraught that you just become paranoid afterwards. But
understand that this is a problem, he's probably not going to go to
anybody else. There's very few people who can help him but you
and you need to talk him through it. And if he's got the
consciousness of Allah, then eventually you will be able to
help him. But you're gonna need a lot of patience to do that. That's
one thing. Second thing is the the wrong things that are learned from
* and people wanting to act that out.
So that is something that cannot be done. I've had a case where the
wife was fine after 567 children, she was actually going to leave
the husband because he wanted a certain position which was haram.
That's the only way he gets satisfaction.
That's the only way he gets satisfaction. So he's had flings
with others because of that. And she's mashallah, you know, she's a
religious person, she, she, she, she, you know, she just doesn't
want any part of that anymore. She might have given herself up to
those weird vices, but she doesn't want to do that anymore. So she
finally she's like, I'm out. So Hamdulillah, we managed to bring
them together again and get
get it down to a level that it's, you know, that they they're not
going to consider that anymore. So we do get these weird vices that
come into it. And the other thing that we just like to I mean, I
hate to repeat things, but * doesn't represent
reality.
Like from what I've, what I've read is that they will show
somebody in an in an act for 20 minutes. That's not possible. They
say, in real life that's just stitching together various videos
or whatever it is that they do or they don't show you everything in
between the men think that they are important because they can't
last 20 minutes, something like that. Then I've had cases of the
guy wanting to bring other women into the picture and flings and
three sons and all of that kind of stuff. These are all her arms.
Right? These are all her arms. And one needs to recognize in various
positions, her arm positions and things like that and other vices
and all of that kind of stuff.
More of this needs to be discussed, I guess, in Joomla
Albion's and things like that so that people get to understand that
they're going over the top, because then when their wives
don't want to oblige, then they
want to divorce them or threaten them. Or say I'm going to find
another way for I'm going to have would you call it a mystery so
they go and visit prostitute
We've had that case as well. People visiting prostitutes
because the wife doesn't give them what they have. That guy needs
some serious this law of the knifes, that's what the problem
is.
And these guys will come and say, Look, this is an addiction I have,
what do I do? Like I go to prostitutes can't help it once a
week or something. So with one guy, I mean, I said, Look, give me
a call after next week.
And I want to hear from you that you've avoided it.
I think the first week, he said, I avoided it for like five days or
something, and then I just couldn't help it. Right?
You he was honest to me. Hamdulillah. Next week was better.
The third week was good. Then after I lost touch with him. But
if you've got that kind of a problem, and you want to get out
of it, confessed to somebody and tell them to supervise you tell
them I want to report to you.
And start some vicar
started vicar regimen. That's the only thing, love of Allah is the
only thing that will help you addictions are really, really bad.
So the only thing that I found that people is if you get
consciousness of Allah, then
because Allah, you know, you're conscious of Allah, that's the
only thing otherwise. It's a very difficult one. Anyway, I can't go
into too much right now. Because you know, we got other questions.
But there's also a website, I think, protect my gaze.com or
purify your gaze or something that takes you through a
and paying system. Yeah. So if that works, that's great. But get
help.
Any questions on decide? How much does a person need to have, like
if we were to give a list of things. So
while salad is important, but marriage can survive without
salad. Right? I hate to say it that way. But if somebody doesn't
fast, or pray, but he's got a decent character, that marriage
could still survive. His relationship with Allah is
definitely got a problem. But if we're talking about
characteristics and advice, specifically to the marriage,
it's about for a man's perspective, the ability to earn
and provide. That's one thing, number two, to care and
compassion. And, number three, sufficient knowledge of the
required responsibilities of what he's responsible for, for
education, upbringing, tarbiyah. And, and all of that, I think
that's probably because look, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, I
am the best of you to my wives.
And then he also said, I am the best of you in character. So if
you look at all of the Islamic departments that are out of them,
the most relevant to marriages, good luck and character. And
that's why we just discovered anger and stingy and all of that
as well character that has the biggest impact, because those are
the individual issues that people are going to have an issue people
are going to have problems with. So character is probably the most
important aspect of it.
That's why you have people who are not very religious, but their
marriage is fine.
Not spiritually between Allah but their marriage is fine.
Right? So we don't want to say one or the other. So you know, in the
prophets, Allah Islam said that usually,
women are sought out for marriage for four reasons. He's saying that
because he's talking to men, right? That's why otherwise, it's
a similar idea. The other way around that what do women usually
look for in man, right? So he's saying, for her beauty, for her
family lineage,
for her wealth, and then for her Dean, is that make sure you're
successful with the deal? It didn't discard the others, though.
If you can get all four, it's great. But then when we say, Dean,
what does that mean? Just make sure she's covering up and
praying? No, no, that's important. But it's for the man as well. How
is she going to be? That's why In another Hadith that says, There's
no word you'll have alluded to a dude.
Marry the very fertile women, and the very loving women.
There's a number of other descriptions that are Hadith, that
if a woman is somebody that is someone that her husband, when he
looks at her, she, she makes him happy, and and so on, she will go
to Jana. There's a number of different Hadith like that, that
give you characteristics of what you're supposed to be looking for.
So I think that's probably what it boils down to.
For for women, I've asked a lot of men like what is the one thing
that you would want from your wife? Like it was just one thing?
And usually the answer is, let me ask you, what do you think the one
thing that you need from a wife? I think mostly it comes down to
respect good food and all of that is there but respect is really the
most? Why? Because that's a hierarchy. That's why my wife's
advice to anybody is, don't get for women especially don't get
married to somebody that you can't respect
Who's lower than you? What does that mean? So one example is that
if your husband is from another country, from your native
ancestors country, and he doesn't speak English well, and for you,
that's a problem then don't get married to. That doesn't mean
they're all like that, that's going to be an issue. Because
there's people who come and they're very savvy they can deal
with matters. And that's not an issue for you. That's why they say
don't get married somebody shorter than you, for women, right?
Because there's that
you might not respect them.
That's why in Islam, if a woman does marry herself off to somebody
who's not compatible according to the norms of compatibility, the
father has got a right to go and protest that
she marries herself up to a equal or better person, he doesn't have
a right in the Hanafi school to go and cancel that marriage. But
that's one thing, find somebody you can respect if you are a
higher potential earner or a
higher degree holder, and you won't respect somebody with a
lower degree than don't get married to them.
And if you can't just find anybody, then then you shouldn't
have studied that much. To know, what else do you say? Do you
understand? It's just, that's why they say the way should be seven
years. I mean, some people say seven years younger, because women
have started losing themselves earlier than men do. And there's
lots of these other social factors, physiological factors,
they all make sense to a certain degree. Typical question on
culture, that's a very important question on highlighting the riffs
in culture and the pressures of culture. So what the question is,
is that somebody wants a very simple Nikka or doesn't want
certain things to be there?
How do you deal with that? Now, that would depend the answer to
that is and and the family wants some kind of big glamorous wedding
and wants to spend lots of money and waste money and all the rest
of it? What do you do in that situation? Very difficult one that
depends on your personality and your family. So for example, I
pushed back, and I had no problem in pushing back too much. Because
they know I'm a very independent person who asserts his way. So I
managed to, but in some cases, I did it in a strategic way. For
example, I had this thought that we're going to go to another town
to pick up the wave. So you take, you know, because they've invited
the family. So you take, you know, there's this tradition that you go
with a whole group of people, 50 people or whatever it is, right.
Now, I didn't want any of my extended family members to not be
in hijab when they went, like, I don't want them to be without
hijab. So I could have, I mean, imposing it on there would be
difficult. So what I did was, I said, while I was sitting with my
Auntie's, I said, you know, what, I want everybody to have a certain
style of dress on.
And it'd be wonderful if you can come up with something, you know,
including the headcovering that everybody could wear, and they can
all look the same. Mashallah, they took that on board. So even my
Auntie's that don't cover or didn't cover they, mashallah
everybody was covered that they, you know, just made these very
fancy broadcasts, right. And 100. So you have to strategy. When I
came back, they tried to not, they try to not let me in the house
saying that we're not going to in unless you give money. There's
that tradition.
And I said, Look, I said, Look, you want money, I'll give you
money. But I'm not giving you money for this. Right? So I'm not
giving you money for this for your money. I'll give you money
afterwards.
That's just how I am but not everybody is like that majority of
people are just follow us. Majority of people cannot stand
the ground. They find it very difficult. So then you try to get
somebody you just have to play, play it right strategize. How can
I convince them otherwise? One of my students got married recently.
Not a very strong character in that regard. He said, Well, those
family didn't want to do anything crazy. But I don't get doesn't.
Can anybody tell me the wisdom that when you are in the wedding
hall and everybody's eating, they play music? Okay, forget music.
They play in the sheets now? Does anybody know why they play
machines when everybody wants to talk and so on? What's the wisdom
behind that?
Exactly, but what's the point of the music? Why do something like
that?
Atmosphere, people are getting suffocated. You're not enjoying
the music. It's like I go into a restaurant. It's like giving you a
headache.
You want to talk people get together? People do things that
lead in. They have no sense. This is the debilitating aspects of
culture, okay, they're playing the sheets instead of music, but I
said why do you need them? Okay, if it's for granted
entrance understandable. After that, lets me let me talk.
You know
why you play music so people do crazy things. So I have no problem
in having a huge wedding. Permissible, absolutely
permissible spend 1000s feed 10,000 People nothing haram about
that, as long as it's not to show off, not to copy somebody, and
you're not doing it with overburden where you're going to
be suffering for the rest of your life, you got the money, you got
to know a lot of people, you can feed 10,000 people, but don't do
stupid things in there.
Like don't do stupid things in there don't do things that are not
practical, not reasonable, do things because they make sense.
And if everybody can think but the problem is everybody can't,
there's a certain standard that's been set, and everybody has to do
that. But not majority of people are followers. There's only a few
radical people in, in each community. If they go wrong,
they're really messed up. Right? Because they go against the grain.
If they go right hamdulillah they can do a lot to stand up for
yourself.
Having said that, though, you do need to play along with your
family on permissible things. The only place you can not negotiate
is on haram things. But anything which is permissible, you might
want it simple, but they want their you know, they want to
mashallah, okay, let's not make an argument about that. That's what I
would say. So I wouldn't have a problem with that. If you can't
really change everybody, you can't convince them, let them have their
day.
I've had a case where the poor and she called me she goes, we are
married now. But we're not rock satiny, whoever you like they're
not living together. And the fathers prohibited the son from
intimacy.
So
and he's trying to listen to his father.
I said, That's really bad for the parents to even do that. Once
you're married, and do what you want. So absolutely, you can go
your father can't tell you not to have sexual *.
Once you've done Nikka, you've given him the key, you can stay in
the house, it's your wife and your responsibility, and especially
you've got a * drive, then what are you going to do?
Like, here's a cake, you can only look at it.
It's just not right. And I don't know how parents can think that
way. They're living in another world. They're living in it.
They've come from a non sexualized world 50 years ago, where it was
like that, and you could, but now you can't.
Do you understand? So that's unreasonable. You have absolute
right to go and be with your wife.
Maybe just try not to have children? Quickly, you know,
that's what I can say. Right? But yeah, it would be permissible for
you. You don't think the father has a right to tell you not to
have sexual *? That's not right. When you have to obey
your parents, it's in Halal things. If he's trying to stop you
from even a mazahub thing. If you do, it's not going to encroach on
them, then you're allowed to do them with all politeness though.
If you find somebody with good character, but who doesn't pray,
what should you do? Well, you have a choice. Right? All I would say
is this. There's some guys that I found a girl, she's beautiful,
she's everything. She just doesn't wear hijab yet. But inshallah she
will. I said, Look, do you really want to take that risk?
It's up to you.
Because remember, love is that you find a few qualities. And you
think that's it? That's it. You want to get a package. So I'd
rather be safe than sorry. Because this could go either way. And then
you're just going to be constantly waiting, and she's going to be
pressured or whatever. Likewise, the other way around. So yes, the
minute the marriage might be fine, but what about consent for Allah,
religion and children? Exactly.
Exactly. That's That's right. I mean, I'm not encouraging that
marriage. I was. Maybe this is a question based on what I said. I'm
not encouraging them. I was just saying that, to try to highlight
that a HELOC is one of the most important aspects of a marriage.
Just like the other must say that if you've got fairness and justice
in a society and Gopher, that society will run better than one
that has Eman but no justice and fairness because the specific
ingredient and constituent for a successful society is fairness and
justice. And for marriage, it's o'clock and character. Yes, if you
don't have Iman, Anon, there's definitely going to be problems
like we've got justice in this country, but we got lots of
issues. Likewise, a marriage where they are praying and fasting, it's
going to be many issues, but the marriage itself just as Marriage
Marriage, which is not enough, but that will survive.
There's another thing that
what a lot of women will complain about is that my husband doesn't
do anything.
Right. So sometimes the husbands don't do anything and they do
think, but sometimes they just don't do certain things. So you
have to actually take that to somebody say like, are they doing
enough? Right some
As you might be, you might be judging your husband or wife based
on what somebody else's husband or wife are doing. Okay, so don't do
that, you know, really look at it holistically, that is the job
coming. There's another thing. There's a lot more about child
rearing. They say that a father needs to be like a friend to his
children. I don't get that. I don't even know if I agree with
that. Have you heard that before? Father needs to be like a friend
to his children. And what do you then where's the father gone?
Right. Having said that, that doesn't mean that you need to be
that weird father. You know, do you understand what I'm saying you
need to be an open file, you're still a father, but you can relate
to them. So I think there's a, there's a certain thing that
there's sometimes misunderstanding of what a father needs to do and
what a mother needs to do. However, I've written in my book
that if you're the if you're the guy, and you're not doing the male
things in the house, that are usually seen as male, like fixing
a tap,
right sorting out the socket, or the plug, and you and your wife
has to go and do that, that's going to create an upset in the
balance.
Right, where she has to do the male stuff. Right? That doesn't
mean she can't do it, she might even be better than you're doing
it. And likewise, you can do the other way around. But usually,
traditionally, that's what the case is. Because what I've seen,
maybe we'll just end with this is that because the man is supposed
to be the head of the house, if he doesn't play that role properly,
it upsets the marriage, totally. Now, you could have a very, very
assertive wife,
very assertive,
she will never be happy, though.
So what's gonna happen, she's very assertive, she wants her way. And
the husband is not strong enough to deal with that. So he's
intimidated under her, but she's never going to be happy, he's
going to constantly complain, you're not a man.
It's a really weird place to be. Right? It's a really strange place
to be because the way he's like my way, but then she's not happy,
because the guy is not playing the role. But she won't let him play
the role either. And he doesn't know he lacks the courage, and the
know how to play the role as well.
So really bad place to be. Now, in some cases, that can still work.
Right? Where there was like, Okay, I'll deal with these matters. In
most cases, haven't you seen that the children are more scared of
the father and the mother, right. And the mother is like the go to
person. I've seen a minority of cases where it's the other way
around a mother who runs everything, and they're more
scared of her than the Father will escape to the father, he's the
refuge.
But to be honest, in some cases, what we have is that the Father is
the oldest child in the house. For the mother, she literally takes
all the burden, and she has to look after him like an older
child.
So we've got multiple occasions, you know, multiple kind of models.
Yes, Brother, how to go for animals. Yeah, there's lots of
stuff. There's lots of stuff.
Sometimes, it's just the wrong expectation. But sometimes the
husband do take more time in one thing than the other, and they do
miss out on certain things. So it just depends, like, there's no,
you'd have to like, really talk to somebody reasonable in your
family, it doesn't have to be a scholar that look, this is what
they're doing, do you think that's enough or not. And then try to
correct your view. Because if you are feeling undercut by this is
just going to cause more problems in your marriage. So go to
somebody that you trust to have a reasonable understanding. And as I
said, again, try to get help sooner than later. If you've got
right now, don't go and start asking for help for every small
issue.
Try to resolve that yourself. However, there's a persistent
issue that's giving you sleepless nights, essentially, then go and
get help sooner than later. Because what's going to happen is
this. We don't have a board. But it's very, it's very easy to
understand this.
It'll be too difficult to set it up in good time. I'll just show it
on the picture right? On the thing. So let's just
can you see this picture here?
Essentially, it's a straight line, husband is on one side wife is on
the other side, right? They've got a little issue. So there's a
little dip the small issue. That means imagine that if I've got a
little issue with the wife, I'm in a little trench, I mean, a little
dip. Because it's such a small one, we can easily come out and
sort it out. If you don't sort it out, you're going to have another
one. And then it's going to get deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper,
and then you're going to be submerged. Now for you both to
climb out and sorted out is much more difficult. The longer you
leave it, and the more issues because they will all pile up. It
won't be one issue that will lead to other issues. Eventually,
you're going to get so entrenched on both sides, that you're going
to become like you'll you'll see this one. You see that?
Yeah, that's where you're going to be in your own
trenches you just can't even see one another you can't see anything
you both against one another.
You might be able to hear them. Yeah. Right. Climbing out of that
and then filling that up to get back. That's a very good depiction
to under you don't want to get that far. How far are you getting?
You see that is getting worse by the day go and get help. People
don't want to because they embarrassed is that people are
going to find out, man, this is going to be worse, you're gonna
end up with divorce, everybody will know and your children are
going to your children's life is going to be punctuated with a
massive divorce. So I didn't talk about children right now. But
that's why you get your children are going to be.
So
you really have to think about this. You know, a lot of the time
what happens is one thing I've noticed is that if my in laws are
a bit weird, right? They might be I take that out and my wife
she's a reflection of them. So I keep complaining to my wife that
your your dad did the show your father's doing the show. Don't do
that. If she's not that, then try to separate the two out a lot of
people do this. They reflect all the bad qualities of the inlaws on
to their way where she's innocent. She's trying her best. Don't
conflate that it causes massive issues in marriage. It causes
massive issues in marriage. your in laws might be jerks, fine.
You're married to this girl, right? Who's decent? Or the other
way around? You know? Don't don't do that always look at the good
qualities. Otherwise, there's so many things that you can and then
especially if you have children now, why would you want to mess it
up. Because you don't want to be divorced with children in the
picture, then that's a whole other malicious
gives rise to so much other malicious acts in there. So
treat your wife as an individual. And if she has problems, let's
just say that you are a very easygoing, delayed procrastinator,
and she's on the board and everything and you just find that
she's like overbearing,
you're gonna have to learn to live with that.
You meet halfway, or you're the efficient guy always on the ball,
and she's the lazy laid back and that just bothers you a lot. Look
at the overall picture. How's it going?
Look at the overall picture. Has she got some goodness in her or
not? You can't have everything perfect. That's God's challenge to
you. Are you going to fail in God's challenge? Because you
wanted perfection which is impossible to get this wife of
yours will be perfect in paradise inshallah.
And that's what you're going to end up that's why my book actually
covers divorce. Because divorce is a reality and people need to know
how to do it. Sometimes. You know, when I'm conducting an ICA, I will
actually speak about divorce. You know, when somebody say like, I'm
talking about divorce, exactly the way it is. The reason I speak
about it is that because you know in a nickel ceremony, you get
people there who never come to a masjid will never listen to
beyond.
They never come for beyond anywhere else. But they'll come
here because it's a nickel, honey, you know? So they need to hear
this. That one divorce is more than enough. You don't get three
divorces
tell 10 People of your family that one divorce is enough. They think
it's three is enough. And then that's a point of no return. They
just knock out three straight.
So there's a lot, there's a lot more to cover. But I'm glad you
guys had a lot of questions because then we were able to
discuss otherwise, I had a lot of other things to speak about. But
okay, just like Allah said, what I will mention is I was going to
talk about a love bank account.
Right? So every husband and wife, because remember,
marriage is not a ritual. And Marriage is not a set of do's and
don'ts. And it's not just reduced down to a few rights. Okay. So for
that what you need to do is have a love bank account. Who's got one
of those? I mean, you can get them online? Who's got a love bank
account and a balance in there? Yeah, I mean, you don't know.
Anybody got an account? Anybody got a balance? I know a smile
does.
You have to obviously put deposits in there. I mean, you can't, once
you get there is a love bank account.
Deposits.
Of it's a love bank. So there's deposits in there. Has anybody got
an account? No, it's like, you know, Starling? Monzo. You can
sign up online.
A joint account?
No, no. What this is, is this, I'll tell you what it is. It's
essentially that if I do anything over and above what's expected of
me, then what I'm doing is I'm actually creating a love bank
balance in this invisible bank account between us, you
understand? So if one day I bring flowers for my wife is not an
expectation. What I've done is I've now what's the benefit of
that. After two days, I might have a little little misunderstanding.
shaytan comes along after every every mistake is like oh, he hates
you. Or he's got something
And also they just straight on just exaggerates the whole thing.
Now if you've got that balance, isn't it? No, two days ago, he
bought me flowers.
can't hate me. Do you understand? Oh, yesterday you took me out for
a meal. Or you might say that oh, you know, she, she made that
really that my favorite dish, or something like that. So this is
where you go beyond what's the normal expectation and you show
empathy and love and contribution and you know, all of the rest of
it, you're adding to the love bank account. Now, the love bank
account requires constant deposits for it to be healthy. You can't
just deposit once and then after that expect it to last forever.
Like, for example, any dentist here.
Any dentists, Mashallah. So now telling me this is tomorrow,
Sunday. So somebody thinks that you know what, I'm always rushed
in the morning to go to work, then I have to even take my coffee to
work in a cup. So what I'm going to do is on Sunday, I'm worried
about my tea. So on Sunday, I'm going to brush my teeth for half
an hour.
So that I don't have to do it for five minutes or three minutes
every day. Is that okay? He will make a difference here. So it's
harm that's actually harmful. It's probably harmful to brush your
teeth for half an hour, I'm assuming. So there's nuance there.
But you understand what I'm saying? Right? It's a constant,
you have to give constantly. And now, so for men, right? So
generally women like flowers.
So if he bought you flowers, you'd be happy, I'm assuming, unless you
hate flowers, right? But what about if he bought you the same
flowers every Friday that he brings you every Friday?
Same old flowers every Friday? Would that be still nice?
Unless you really liked those particular flowers, and they
it's just that it's no gifts are a surprise, there's a surprise
element in a gift. So if the guy is just like I have to do this, I
have to buy flowers from Tesco. That's going to be a problem.
So now however, if every week is actually okay, you might get some
score in that right. But if he went and found different flowers
every week,
wouldn't you get a bigger balance? Right? So it's that kind of thing.
And believe me, once you start doing that, it really contributes
to your marriage, you get a lot more bandwidth out of that you get
lot better out of that. Do that. Always be thinking about the other
partner and what you can do for them. Right, that's one of the
best advices to finish this talk on I think in Java. So love bank
banks everybody got an account. Okay.
Now, okay,
let's make a quick dua. Allahumma and the salam Inca Salam Tabarka
then should everybody Quran la mia, you yaka Yun Durametric Anna
serif Allahu Mejia Nana Yemen and learn to Subhana in our code
nominal body mean Allah have mercy on us. Yeah, Allah we asked you
for your from your special grace. We ask you from your generosity.
We ask you from your love of Allah, Allah Allah, we ask you
from your forgiveness. Forgive us our wrongdoings, our heedlessness
our negligence, our laziness, our transgressions and our sins or
Allah we ask you to forgive sins that we remember and especially
those that we have forgotten about, and especially those sins
that have now become part of our life and we no longer even
consider them sins anymore. Oh Allah, we ask that you forgive
those things that have put darkness in our homes that have
taken the blessing and the baraka away, that have taken the love
away that has caused conflicts with one another of Allah we ask
that You grant us beneficial knowledge that you grant us the
true understanding of love for you, oh Allah and for your
messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and for all of those that
were supposed to love, Allah, those of us here who are married,
bless them in their marriages, grant them righteous, righteous
children and progeny until the day of judgment and oh Allah bless
their relationship and make it make it like the relationship that
your messenger Muhammad Salah some had with each other the Allahu
Allah and Allah Allah bless them in that relationship and grant us
empathy and compassion and and compromise and the ability to
apologize and Oh ALLAH resolve our conflicts and do not allow us to
get stuck in such a way that it is harmful. Oh Allah, we ask that you
allow us to get the wisdom to understand anything and grant us
good character. And Allah those who don't who are not yet married,
oh Allah grant them righteous and pious and wonderful spouses with
whom they can live in harmony and, and become better members of the
community and society and contribute to your faith. Oh
Allah, we ask that You grant us all suitable and pious and
righteous partners and make them the source of gladness for our for
our eyes and our happiness and allow us to unite together in
paradise and be together in Paradise because what is paradise
without a spouse? Will Allah grant us righteous spouses crunches,
grant us and make us
Have those who are the Imams of the righteous ones make us Imams
of the righteous ones, oh Allah bless all of those who have
attended this program, and especially those who organized
this program. And Allah allow this to help to secure a better
community for individual families and individuals who are better
connected to you make for better families and better families make
for better community and society of Allah allow this to be accepted
for that allow this to be enhanced, and protects us from all
the pitfalls and the ills and misrepresentations and
misunderstandings, and the wrong kind of ideas about marriage. And
oh Allah grant us true understanding and show us the
truth as the truth and allow us to follow and show us the wrong
there's the wrong and announced abstain from it. Subhanallah
bigger probability on my OC photo said, I'm gonna say You know what?
The point of a lecture is to encourage people to act to get
further an inspiration, and encouragement, persuasion. The
next step is to actually start learning seriously, to read books
to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of
Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become more aware
of what our deen wants from us. And that's why we started Rayyan
courses, so that you can actually take organize lectures on demand
whenever you have free time, especially for example, the
Islamic essentials course that we have on there, the Islamic
essentials certificate which you take 20 Short modules, and at the
end of that insha Allah you will have gotten the basics of most of
the most important topics in Islam and you will feel a lot more
confident. You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue
to live, you know, to listen to lectures, but you need to have
this more sustained study as well as local law here and Salam
aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.