Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Imam Ghazali’s Advice How to Choose friends
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Hello
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Yeah, well, you got the Tony Fullan and funny either. Yeah, we
had to learn your way that hated the topic Falana funny enough.
So that alone now in
their respective is this
one thing which is pretty important for us human beings is
to associate with other people.
The majority of human beings will find it very difficult not to
associate with anybody else. We are very social creatures. That's
our nature, we're social creatures. And in fact, in the
shittier, we've been told that habitually is not considered to be
praiseworthy in Islam.
According to many of the fuqaha many of the scholars in Islam,
a person to disassociate disassociate himself from
community from society, go and retreat in a cave or somewhere
along.
As the matter of routine as a matter of lifestyle is frowned
upon. There's no
completion in that there's no accomplishment in that if you
don't have anybody around you. And clearly, there's no challenge to
that anyway, what the relevant mention is that the the real
challenge where you will get extra reward is that you live among
people. We live among people, and yet we are able to deal with
people on a praiseworthy level, not just with people, but will
Allah subhanho wa Taala know clearly, if a person is a long,
lonely person, the only person he has to think about is himself and
his relationship with Allah subhanho wa taala. But it's more
complicated, and it's more difficult. And it's a higher
achievement for a person to have good sound interaction.
So social
interaction and relationships with people that he lives with.
That is going to be a greater accomplishment.
So what do we look for when we look for partners, when we look
for friends, when we look for associates, see, because we all
probably have a circle of what we would consider to be very close
friends, somebody quite close somebody, you can go to their
house and relax, you can pour your heart out, you can speak to them,
you can feel free, you will feel free to maybe go into their fridge
and you know can take something when you feel hungry. So we can't
do that with everybody. You can't even do that we don't have your
relatives. They don't give you certain homes, that you can
actually feel free to do that. I mean, that is a sign of good
relationship.
I mean, I don't want to go into the fifth key aspects of
brotherhood and relationship because
that's on a different level. What I want to speak about today is
just about basic relationship, basic friendship and forming
another than another circle of people who will have good are
people who will, we will consult with on a
time to time basis when we need something. When we require some
people we can visit them once in a while. Maybe relatives, some
relatives, we don't see them all the time. But we think it's an
obligation to go and see them and it is an obligation. In fact, one
of the rewards for going in tying the knots of kinship center to
recklessly equality is that you will get bollock in your life.
And if you notice, even within your families within our families,
if you notice that the people who are really good with other family
members, they normally have the greatest level of Barak.
Allah subhanaw taala has actually promised and it's a hadith of
Rasool allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that they will be given
Baraka in their lives. Those who do Silla Tarang which means those
who are working with the with
relatives, especially their blood relatives, that's very important.
A person who may be very good with Allah subhanaw taala as he thinks
himself in terms of making on the Salah, doing extra worship, but
when it comes to people
He's always snapping at people
is always very snappy or is condemning people.
That attitude is always that when you see somebody is telling
somebody off,
there's no gentleness and softness in the approach.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said love hate of human
life if whether up if there's no good in the one who is doesn't act
societally with others, and will others don't feel like acting
societally with them, because there's a false wall that they put
around them. So that kind of a person is not a good that normally
comes from harshness, that only comes from harshness, and the
absence of
softness, tenderness, compassion, when he could riff, with the
prophets of Allah, are you some sin, but you risk your Nakula,
whoever has been deprived of gentleness and softness, they'd
been deprived of all forms of good,
they don't have any good and they've been deprived of all good.
And one of the reasons is that you couldn't get much further with
gentleness than you can with harshness. This is not to say that
you can't be harsh sometimes, there are situations which demand
that sometimes somebody is getting out of hand, especially when it
comes to children, sometimes you do have to put your foot down. But
that should not be the case all the time, that people only
recognize you for that, and nothing else, especially if you're
a teacher, you need to be able to balance it out. And that is what's
important when the works of the law isn't needed to he got angry.
But most of the time, it was gentleness as far as it could be
run. And as far as it could be dealt with, through gentleness,
that is how he will deal with it. In fact, more we are the Allah one
who's considered to be a very successful ruler, a hadith who
brought back the Muslim ummah, after many years of disarray. It
said that, if I do not need to use my whip, and I can suffice with my
words, then I will do so used to condemn his cousin was a governor
in another area, who was known to always be very harsh on killing
people on murdering people used to always, always criticize him. And
he said that, well, I don't need to even use my words, I can just
use tenderness, just generosity, then then I would use that. So
it's, you know, there's no one single way to do things. It's a
balance of all of these things, but the dominant nature within us
should be of gentleness, when it comes to finding friends going
back to our subject when it comes to finding friends, I just like to
bring about and share with you that advice of Imam was early,
when he was
only 55 When he passed away. But towards the end of his life, he
wrote this book called The Buddha to Hidayah, the beginning of
guidance. And essentially, in this book, he is trying to say that if
you are a seeker of guidance, which we all are, we all want to
seek guidance. So essentially, what he says in there is that if
you want guidance, then that is an end that's any higher, when he
will leave behind to be there, when he called any higher team
with for every end, every objective, there is a beginning.
There are some preliminaries. So he says, For the beginning of God,
there is a beginning of guidance, just as there is an end to
guidance. In a sense, there is an objective of guidance, there used
to be a beginning, which needs to be set straight. And among one of
the advices that he gives in this book is about what to look for in
France. And that's what I'd like to share with you today. That what
does he say you should look at in France, Imam Ghazali was known to
be a great intellectual, a philosopher, in the sense that he
could he could match any of the great philosophers the Muslim
ummah has known. Right? And he's considered to be one of those of
the in terms of the mind that Allah subhanaw taala had given
him. I mean, he's called a good general Islam, which means that
he's the proof of Islam in the sense that yes, look, every human
being right and even every scholar after the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wasallam would have some weaknesses in some aspects. And
even recently, people have criticized him for maybe his paddy
narrations and so on. But in terms of what he says in terms of social
interaction, spirituality, connection with Allah subhanaw
taala those are celebrated writings of yours those are things
which the Huma has been benefiting from even people like him know to
me are human life even though Josie has praised the good of his
work and criticize you know, the weaknesses in in the Hadith maybe,
but in terms of the goodness he's spoken about it, even recently, he
says that
one needs to be very careful about difference.
One needs to be extremely careful about difference because the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said it's a hadith related by
Martin with
As the prophets of Allah whiting Simpson, Allahu either dini
felida, among other Devi, Fellini, a man is on the beam of his
friends.
Meaning a man will normally follow his friends, wherever the ideology
be of the friends, that is normally what this person will
also take on. Unless he's the dominant one, then he will set the
scene
for younger adults who may you Harlan, so each one of you should
look very carefully, will cut should consider very carefully,
who he is befriending. See, when you have a group of friends, let's
say five friends, normally one is going to be the dominant one,
you'll hardly have two dominant people coming together and
agreeing to stay together, one will eventually leave or be
overtaken. Because if each one has such an independent leadership
kind of mind, they're not going to want to be ruled over by somebody
else. And normally, within friends, group culture normally
becomes one person needs the rest. Normally speaking, unless one
person is so humble, that they, they agreed to listen to somebody
else and let them dominate, just to avoid problems and just to keep
it all together. That's o'clock. That's good character. So now,
the prophets of Allah and Islam is saying that you will benefit from
your friends you will take from your friends, you will assimilate
from your friends.
Email has already mentioned that rather than talking rather than
what you will benefit from speaking, you will take more from
somebody's actions. That's why when he speaks to scholars, when
he speaks to relevant, he says that you can say all the beautiful
things with your tongue, but people will be observing your
actions. And the way human nature is predisposed. The way human
nature is, by its very nature, it normally takes from what other
people do, as opposed to what they already say. It takes much more
from what they see others doing and their practice and their
actions than what they hear them saying. Right? In fact, it's not
just that What do you want, there's only one point he
mentioned, that he points out, which is very important is that it
actually steals from other people's behavior, without you
even wanting to do it. And that's the interesting thing. That's the,
that's a dangerous thing, that we will steal from other people's
behaviors without wanting to do it in the sense that we will
assimilate things, right from our friends, even if we don't want to.
That's just the way that human nature is.
So if we have friends that are doing bad, then we have to
actually consciously be wanting to avoid the bad that they do if we
still choose to have them as friends, which is probably the
biggest problem in the first place.
Give you an example.
Having good friends, the benefit of it is many fold. For example,
let's just say that you're traveling with some friends,
you've decided to go on holiday, you pray five times Salaat.
Right? You've always prayed five times solid, these group of
friends the first time you're traveling with them, they don't
care about Salaat.
What's going to happen when the whole time comes in, the only
person that's going to be thinking about the heart is going to be
yourself. How you gonna get by that? Do you have enough courage
to stop everybody say stop here, I need to go and make what do I need
to pray? What how's the response going to be? I think I'd say it's
alright, sorry, Preet need to do JAMA, you know, I can, you know,
prayed and then do QA, which I believe right now. They're going
to come up with all sorts of excuses. I traveled in that kind
of situation. We were driving through Africa, right? We drove
from South Africa through Zimbabwe, Mozambique, and none of
the other brothers that I had in the conference.
Prefer to pray.
So essentially, I had to make that effort to stop the car. Make them
wait, convince them that it's okay, we'll still reach the next
border before sunset before, you know before it closes. I remember
we were in Mozambique. And we had to get to the border to cross into
Malawi before it closed. Otherwise, we'd have to spend the
night somewhere and it's dangerous. Right? So we stopped in
a village. Right? And in Mozambique, and mashallah, I mean,
you know, the locals are not Muslim. But you asked the brothers
that we asked,
got out, and none of them came with me. So I had to do it myself.
I said, you know, I need to pray, can I pray? So they found me a
place and prayed that the whole village was watching. Right. But I
had to prove myself only towards the end. And one of them was
something kind of clicked that. I'm not trying to. I mean, this is
not This has nothing to do with boasting because prayer is quite
normal. I mean, you shouldn't be praying is nothing to boast about.
I pray five times a day. I mean, that's just what's the big deal
about that? You should be doing it. Everybody should be doing it.
Although you're Muslim, you should be doing you should be praying.
Are you going to be shy to say I'm a Muslim?
Are you going to feel that you're boasting to say I'm a Muslim or
Hamdulillah? Well, if you don't feel shame in that division, I
pray that hamdulillah that's the minimum, right? But I'm just
giving you an example. I'm just giving you an example. So it's
very difficult if you've got friends just for this simple
thing, that they don't want to pray, it's going to be tough for
you to pray every time that the next day, the next day,
eventually, you're praying oedema, Swami, have you, you know, as you
mentioned, you gotta get quite tiresome for them. Because for
them, it's a trip, they've got five days to enjoy themselves in
their moving around, they go into the next place, you know, it's one
of those road trips that you're going to
have to stop or you're gonna have to stop that like that, then
you're going to start making some remarks. How are you going to feel
as opposed to that, if you're not the one who likes to pray, and
you're among friends that like to pray, you got four guys with you
that like to pray, you don't even have to worry about it. prayer
time comes, they're gonna be prepared. Hey, but where's the
next place where we can make we'll do? Where's the next place that we
can pray with the next clearing the roadways? The next service
station was the next mosque. Where was the next question? Whatever,
you don't even have to worry, you don't have to be carried along
with them.
That's the benefit of good friendship. Simple example. Aside
from other things, I mean, if you have veterans, they may want to go
clubbing, you don't really want to go, oh, just come just hang out
outside. So one day you hang out outside, eventually, it's like,
it's not really that bad inside, just come inside, you know, don't
drink anything. And eventually, that will that will be part of
your next journey. You know, you're part of your next journey
after I will be joining the nightclub. Right? Because you've
got used to it now. That's the benefit of good and bad
friendship. At any level, at any level, believe me, you could be 50
years old. Right? Especially if you're very impressionable. What
is your a very dominant individual and people are going to be
careful. But if you're a very impressionable individual, that
you become affected by others, and you should know that, right? You
get why he's complaining that my husband and you know, he's got
help. Oh, he's, he's a very soft guy just gets, it just gets weird.
He's a married guy. And he's getting married at some point. All
right. So that's really sad. What kind of friends should we be
looking for? Of course, there are many qualities that we could all
look for. But this is what the man has that he says. He says the
first thing that you need to look for his intellect Subhanallah in
your friends, he needs to be an intellectual person, meaning
somebody with some atom, somebody with some intellect not not like
not like a genius. It doesn't have to be a genius. Doesn't have to be
a, you know, some some major, major, minor such just somebody
not foolish, essentially saying somebody's not foolish. What Imam
has already said, is that if you make friendship with a foolish
person, a foolish person is the one you can't trust. Right? A
friend of mine used to explain it this way. He said, a foolish man
is like a camel.
The problem with a camel is that if you are making a camel sit
down, you don't know if it's gonna sit on the right side or the left
side.
Meaning you don't know when it's standing up and you're trying to
make it sit, you don't know if it's gonna sit to its right or
left, and you better not be on that side that it chooses to sit.
totally unpredictable. Right? So a foolish friend is like a camel. He
will be with you. He's supposed to be defending you. And he'll be
talking about something else. He'll be off on some other
tensions. Because he's foolish, he doesn't get the picture. Right? He
doesn't get the picture. So where he's supposed to where you're
supposed to do things together, we're supposed to speak together.
He's going to be talking about something else. Maybe he's not
trustworthy in that regard, is trustworthy in the sense of money
and everything else. But you just don't know which way is thinking
he's like a couple. Right? Now has already mentioned that an
intelligent enemy is sometimes better and superior than a foolish
friend, because at least as predictable
as you can kind of try to fathom what the next move is going to be
of your enemy. Right the foolish person is not going to be able to
let you predict that.
I know the other one who says
I know the other one who said
is have
in the heart of America and America
I'll just do it in English. Just make it easy. Do not brief Do not
be friend and insert. Do not be friend, an ignorant person.
Let both of you let both you and him beware.
For how many an ignorant one has brought to ruin a gentle
forbearing man when he befriended him. A person is measured by the
company he keeps, like one pair of shoes placed next to another.
Everything is evaluated by comparison to its peers.
The heart will reflect the reality of the heart it keeps company
with.
That's another point that I just like to mention. One of the
aspects of us taking from others is that the hearts the way Allah
subhanho wa Taala has created them
are very interesting, quite extraordinary.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was once about to start a
solid and he turned around and he said straight in euros he saw one
person was slightly out, was not in line with the others. He said
straight in euros, Otherwise Allah will cause conflict between your
hearts. Now think about it for a moment, what has conflict,
external conflict got to do with a straight row.
If you don't have a straight row in solid, and people are all over
the place, it will cause conflict between your heart what's the
connection?
You know, what's the connection between this physical standing and
order with
this psychological dispute that you have with others?
Well, this is something I have been pointing, pointing out, we
believe in what the purpose of the lesson said. He said this 14 over
1400 years and we believe it. Recently, last 3040 years, there's
a new science called
neuro psychology.
Neuro cardiology, essentially tried to figure it out that the
heart plays as an important if not more important role than the
brain. Essentially, the whole thing was considered that the
brain was the intellect. And the heart was just a pumping organ for
blood to send the blood around the body. Now they're discovering the
cells in the body which Allah has been talking about the heart and
the heart all the time. Caliban, Saleem, Calvin, Calvin, Calvin
will be speaking about right in the heart all the time.
What they discovered was that when the
line is straight, the hearts are in sync,
the hearts will remain in sync, which will actually give benefit
of unity. And thinking likewise,
one of the bar cards of standing in a straight line, as simple as
that is that it will give you unity in your hearts. Because the
hearts they sync with each other, they did a test that they took a
number of grandfather clocks, some larger ones, some smaller ones,
you know, the grandfather clocks have those pendulums. They started
each pendulum swinging at different rates at different
times. But eventually, after a while, this was a control
experiment. Apparently, they all became in sync with the big one.
The power of the big one, it it brought the rest into sync, you
will see in this as well, that there are certain individuals,
they're very powerful, even if they don't speak so much, that
they're not just ruthless in that, in that speech, they're not people
you just have to be one is that you're afraid of somebody. So you
just stay silent, right? Because it takes you to pieces because
you're so rude and vulgar. But there are other people who are not
like that. They quite gentle insights. But when they are part
of a gathering in the room, or attention will be turned to them
just by default. They don't demand the attention, but people will
just have it. What do you think they will be like the cool breeze
in the room? They will be the wise person in the room. Right? Why
does that happen? He's not calling towards it. There's no rule. It's
just a silent rule. It's just understood. It's just the hearts
sick to that person. These are just studies of the heart. I mean,
yeah, you can see this all the time. Certain people they can't
they just you just you just turn to them.
A heart will reflect the reality of the heart it keeps company
with.
So Allah subhanaw taala says Kumar saw the team, be with the truthful
ones. Truth has to do with the heart a lot. Then verbalizes the
tongue is just the translator of the hearts for person has a
truthful heart, then the tongue will translate accordingly who
Masada to be with the truthful ones. That's what Allah subhanaw
taala has told us to be with. That's the kind of friendship we
need to find. So the first one is a person of intellect. We want to
avoid foolish people. And another one is that you care for a foolish
person is fine, but you don't want that person to be your friend,
where you're always going out with and so on. You're helping somebody
is absolutely right. We must not avoid them like the plague. And
that's not the point here. The point is that we can help them we
can assist people, they need help, but let's let that not be your
friend for your journey to the hair off the expression. Anything
to do with your hair off the expression. Number two good
character,
love
his personal thought. Character is the second criteria you need to
look in France.
Does your friend does this person have good character?
Good character, bad character as opposed to good character
according to some ruler, Ma, they've summed it up as being an
excess of anger.
Because Tell me something, what do you consider bad character?
Who would you consider the person who had bad character, you will
consider that person with bad character who is always getting
angry.
Right? Who
just cannot think things through sanely but will always fly off the
handle.
Anger has a major aspect if a person can control their anger,
they will control half of their character or more
good character actually comes from a number of things, it comes from
moderation in anger, you need a bit of anger, otherwise you will
be a lead to cowardice, which means that a person would be so
laid back, that if they don't have this faculty of anger within them,
which gives rise to bravery, Bravery is part of anger. You
know, part of being sent is to do something to fight for your rights
to stand up for your rights. Another person is why he's being
abused. Children are being abused, sitting back relaxing, not a care
in the world, not out of patience, not out of prudence, but literally
just can't bother. That's cowardice. There's no anger in
this person. This is blameworthiness the shortcoming so
moderation in, in anger, moderation in desire
to desire both sexual desire and other desire otherwise, of course,
we will not fulfilled
men will not fulfill his waistcoats, wiping off the
customer's rights, and there's too much design, then they'll go and
look for haram venues to fulfill that desire. And number three is
the outcome. The outcome needs to be enough that they can recognize
superiority of the Quran of the Sunnah of Allah subhanho wa taala.
So they don't try to use their minds in places where we are not
programmed to, to understand and comprehend and they're not so
shortcut, it doesn't it's not it's not so much of a shortcoming, that
they don't bother even studying and learning what is required of
them to live this life for the sake of the hereafter. So good
character is made up of a moderation or in the process of
Alexa was the most perfect, had the greatest equilibrium in his
character.
The scholar called an outcome
he said he called his son before he passed away and he gave him
some
advice. is very concerned about his son He says, Yeah, but uh,
yeah, either or not and thus have concern for us have been either
huddled or who saw Nick, what he does. The WHO THE what in
Colorado, big Mona Monique? Is have been either the indica in
Athene in Montana. Mme we're in LA Minka Hasson. As an actor, we're
in main cast, the year turns is hub monkey the monkeys are put
into. So we're either willing to Amman or more.
We're in the zoo tomorrow fishing in Earth Ark. What that means is,
oh my son, if you wish to befriend someone, if you want to take
somebody as a friend, take your friend, as a person who if you
serve Him, if you are helping him out and you serve Him, He will
protect you and preserve you, he will respond and protect you and
reserve you if you spend time with him. Now this one is very
important. If you spend time with Him, He will beautify you by his
company.
If you spend time with Him, He will beautify you by his company,
by the things he will say by the things that he will do by the
impression he will give to others. Because he's such caring and
considerate, so pious. And if you are in financial needs, then he
will provide for you.
He's not just a friend of good times, he's also a friend for bad
times. Take as your friend one who if you extend your hand towards
something good, he will assist you in it. Not that he will say Oh no,
don't do that. Because he thinks that you're going to become too
pious for him or something like we know he'll assist you in that.
If he sees you do something good, he appreciates it. So he's
thankful he is grateful and he
is not competing with you.
A friend is someone who's not competing with you. If you do
something good, you achieved something, but he'll actually
praise you, and you praise Him in return.
So although this is about somebody else, but seriously, this is about
us as well. So although we're saying what we should look for in
another person, we need to make this our own character so that we
can be a suitable candidate for others as well. In fact, it's very
important whether we become somebody else's friend or not.
These are just good tricks and can
Good, good good traits to have anyway.
That's why when they say that if a person feels like they want to ask
someone what their evils are, they want to improve themselves. What
should you do? Well, you're gonna find a shake who understands these
things you could go, you could do that.
Another one is that you look at other people, and you see what the
wrongs that they're doing, and you try to
eradicate those from our own hearts. The third one is that you
find a sincere friend, and you sit him down and you say, look, right?
This is something really genuine, something really sincere,
something really, I want you to take not lightly I want you to
take sincerely, and genuinely, I want you to observe me for a week
with an eye of constructive criticism.
Right, do this. There's one brother who
has an appointment with me every year he insists on it.
Right, he insists
that, I want that one to one meeting with you. Right? We did it
once. And every year, he's done I think two or three times now.
So you got this, I want you to just be open. Just be totally
honest. Anything you've seen me do wrong. attitude, behavior,
whatever it may be mentioned it to me.
Right? And smile, I don't have any inclination is such a nice guy.
So you've sent them pester me half an hour, 40 minutes an hour to
people that don't have anything to say,
I don't want to make something up. You want to make something up? You
know, I've told you that the one or two things I told him the first
year I said, there's nothing else that I can say. There are other
things that I don't like that you do. But that's because of my
character. You're very pushy, right? But that's because maybe
I'll be too laid back. But that's not a problem in you. That's a
good thing, but I'm not going to complain about it. Because I know
that that's the good in you. And I'm having an issue with it.
Because maybe I'm not as fast as you are in getting things done. So
that's a compliment, in a sense.
A bad friend will use all of these things against them, but oh yes,
I'm gonna get you on that. I'm gonna I'm gonna take him to
pieces, and there's makeup stuff and exaggerated.
See, whenever we hear enemies, you know, we have an enemy. We can
learn from our enemies. You just have to cut out the exaggeration.
But what they normally say there's gotta be an ounce of truth in it
possibly because they can't make everything
right, they can't make everything up candidate. So when we have
enemies that say things to us, we have to really look at it honestly
and say okay, what is this person's exaggeration rates?
Right? Some people I mean, I used to have a friend Allah may Allah
bless him really nice guy. But he had an exaggeration rate of about
45% So anything he said, You have to just minus 45% We told you it
was this big emoji was displayed
that Oh, that's really good. It means it's okay.
Oh, that was just like so severe it was just so bad. Okay, it was a
bit bad. Right? He just had a Mason said if you've got a
mashallah that means this much, right? You just like this much,
he's just going to have it on he exaggerated.
So with enemies, sometimes they're going to exaggerate because they
need to add an economist masala, you know, they need to really make
it spicy, you need to make it as bad as possible. But you know, an
honest friends, they can truly give you because they know you
better than anybody else, you do things together. So they can say,
oh, you know, maybe you keep your nails too long. Something simple
is that you keep your nails too long, maybe you some people have a
Twitch, right that they become accustomed to that they constantly
kind of sniffing or they're doing this weird movement of the nose or
mouth and it's not doesn't really look good, but nobody's gonna come
and tell you. But your sincere friend will tell you and he can
make you stop it. Because at the end of the day, others are gonna
think well, that doesn't just teach us knows. We don't even know
it because we become so used to it. Simple things like that. I
remember one brother, he's one shaper. I know, he went somewhere
for a lecture and the turn of the city. When he got to that other
city and they got in the car. The other shape and another Maulana
who had come to pick him up was taking him to the lecture. He
handed him a nail cutter.
You said your nails are very long. You know this deal. nasiha Dean is
wishing well for people, you know, and the person didn't find it that
you know, he appreciated the fact that somebody pointed it out to
him. He just didn't have time to cut it before he left because he
was so busy or whatever when he got that this person so this is
appreciated. Unfortunately, we've stopped doing these kinds of
things because we were so different sorry, politically
correct, diplomatically Correct. Whatever you want to call it. And
we never want to say anything to anybody even nicely. The only
people that actually saying it was somebody other military type, who
have that kind of a con
Setting them I met one brother, right? Who has that kind of tables
and watching he does this should lead.
should lead means harsh.
Now the thing is that Allah subhanaw taala the same in the
Quran, he does say, who should not want to follow?
Severe on the disbelievers, merciful and compassionate among
the believers. Why do you pick that one? It's not that if you are
in that you couldn't be Shaleen as well. But why do you give
preference to the ship that is that some anger within you, and so
on that there are people who've got a lot of anger in them. And
this is the way it gives rise, when you see something on this get
angry, and the way they just tear somebody apart. And that's wrong.
Because you're not doing this luck, if sad in that case, in the
worst case, which means you're not reforming, actually destroying.
Then he said,
If you see something bad in here, this was the advice to me, if you
see something bad in you, it will stop you from doing it. Many of
us, we may praise our friends. But when we see them doing something
wrong, we don't really tell them. Because we were fearful that he
may break the friendship. So that's actually wrong from both
sides, we need to make it clear to our friends that you can tell me
whatever you want, anytime, and I'll take it honestly. And you
know,
people don't people don't have an ability to take criticism. As soon
as somebody even gives us valid criticism, we will get defensive,
we will try to kind of thwart it, we don't realize that the guy's
been observing us for so long. Our defense is going to sound silly
anyway. Right, but we still do it until you become used to it.
If you become used to criticism, your life will be much better.
Because you won't run off the handle, you won't, you won't fly
off the handle, you will not be defensive, you will be gracious to
somebody when they tell you something nice. Just be more
present.
A simple example is
if I write an article, or a chapter for a book, I send it to
about four or five different people and say, Can you please
look at this and make any corrections or any suggestions.
Some of them you will get back and they'll just say martial law very
good. I will never send anything back to those people. I don't want
to know that. I will criticism because right now this is pre
publication. After that the world will read it. I like those people
who will put red marks and say this couldn't be changed this
morning. There's a question that arises here, there's this you can
do this. That's what I don't have to accept everything. You accept
whatever you you don't know what's going to be yours than right. But
you must be able to take from others that we really build
ourselves.
You're not shuffling, you mentioned that one of the benefits
that he sees in traveling is that you will learn good character. The
reason is very simple. If we are living within a certain community,
they will be eventually what happens with one bad character
some bad characteristic is that it becomes dominant. And people begin
to ignore it, tolerate it and even accept it. So for example, I've
seen in certain areas, they do a lot of riba backbiting I've been
to another area where people will be really,
really avoided. If you've lived in the first area all your life, you
won't even think that Libre is anything wrong. Because it's just
so normal, everybody's doing the big guy to the smallest guy, you
go to this other area, and suddenly you just see some regular
guy on motion talking about that Subhanallah you just learned a new
piece of character which your community doesn't have. And there
are many things like this, even though each one of us are many of
us in this community were from different countries, living in the
same area, they wouldn't be certain if we lived here for long
enough, 20 years, 30 years, there will be certain characteristics
which we will all share that will be wrong, that we will pay
attention to because it's just common.
So good character is extremely important for us to for us to find
somebody with good character, and thus have good character or self
or you know the other one who says, Verily your true brother is
he who is really with you, who will harm himself in order to
benefit you. Meaning he'll go out of his way to benefit you. And who
when the troubles of the track time break you He will shatter
himself to pieces in order to get together you together. If you're
broken by some thing that happens, mentally broken, psychologically
broken, emotionally broken, some big problem you've had in your
life, he will go to all extremes to sort you out and to help you
out. That is a true friend.
If you want to in somebody else we need to be like that. For others.
It can't be one way.
Number three. The first one was after the internet, not a foolish
person. The second person is a good character not
bad character. And number three, uprightness salah, piety
righteousness.
In other words, it says do not be friend, a wrongdoer who persists
in sins
who persist in committing major six minor sins, okay? We can
understand that because that's difficult but who commits it major
sins consistently, not just once in a while, consistently drinking,
lying whatever it is, because he says that somebody who fears Allah
subhanaw taala would not persist in committing matrices openly, at
least
secretly tell you know, that's a personal failing, but openly that
shows that there's a boldness about it, which Allah subhanaw
taala doesn't forgive so easily than somebody who does something
in by failing and weakness, right. The other one is openly blatantly,
boldly doing it as a different problem is the difference is a big
issue.
Allah subhanho wa Taala said to the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam
do not obey someone whose heart we have made heedless of our
remembrance, who follows his inclinations, whose case is going
beyond all bounds.
What are two Tedman Alpha Natalka? One Karina waterbar her well, what
can unruhe Furuta don't that's the Allah subhanaw taala is taking the
route. So listen, don't have such a person like that, who's
constantly behind the pursuance of his desires openly
is the other the other thing that he says is that when you're
constantly with the wrongdoer, eventually you will see that okay,
you may not smoke, you may not smoke, the thing that he smokes,
you may not speak the way you may not be a womanizer the way he is,
right.
And if we're talking to women, you know, she may not be so flirty and
so on, as you know, the friend is, but eventually witnessing that
over and over again. We'll make that act to seem insignificant,
eventually, in our own eyes, we'll get used to it, you won't look
like a big deal. It will make it seem insignificant. And that's why
man because he says, as I explained before, that is why the
crime of backbiting has become acceptable to people's hearts, and
is taken very lightly. If a person if people were to see a gold ring
or a SIP garment being worn by a scholar, they will strongly
disapprove of that because it's not something that normally they
do. But Backbiting is even more serious. And they don't they don't
mind that when anybody does that.
Number four, to all points. Number five absence of greed don't
befriend a greedy person. When you say greedy, not somebody who likes
to eat and not only are we talking about the person who's greedy for
the world, the dunya avarice for the world. Yes, and a dunya Don't
be friend the person who's greedy for this ephemeral world this
transient world friendship with someone who is greedy for this
world is a lethal poison monger services a lethal poison for human
nature is designed to imitate and follow by example that's our
nature we will follow by example indeed one person's nature may
take from another person without even realizing it
we assimilate from others
that's why you see a husband wives they will speak to they will speak
very similar
if you know a couple in your you know in your family will say that
husband and wife they sometimes require the same kind of
expressions friends will be living for a very long time they'll say
the same thing at one time and then they make a joke that of
great minds think alike
he says keep company with the one who is fervently attached to this
world. Right keeping company with one with firmly attached to this
world will increase your own greed for it.
Something simple I think I mentioned a few things yesterday
was well the day before simple as your friend has come with a new
suit to work. Sometimes you have to do this I had a friend who
works in New York in the financial area right corporate America and
he took me to a shop where they sell these labeled suits Calvin
Klein, Armani cannot be whatever it is right
anyway, whatever. So he said what's going on because I know
he's not into all of these things. He said, You know where I work.
They will come to you. And they will take your time. That's a
that's a really nice tight and then they'll get over to see where
you got it from.
They'll come and they look at your suit. Your shirt is a really nice
shirt, and then they'll kind of okay with it from
Kmart sorry
It's from
Primark
Debenhams Marks and Spencers
you know, and then they'll tell everybody.
So to work in that environment to earn your living, you have to make
sure that your suit is named, your tie is named otherwise you'll
become a laughingstock.
But what Imam Hassan is speaking about here is that we got friends,
one guy, he brings this nice new car, eventually, you're going to
feel like you also need that kind of a car, a particular type of
clothing, you're also going to need, you know, he gets a certain
type of job, but it could be in anything, you're going to want to
do the same thing. A pen, shoes, wallet, I mean phones, right? The
first guy in the girlfriends who gets the smartphone, the other
guys they eventually want to start getting in the last game was left
behind. It only be strong enough that he'll be able to resist. I
got one day mashallah, he's very strong. And he's actually quite
proud of his old Nokia. So he actually brought those about
mashallah, you know, this Nokia still going, but that's because
he's strong in character. Otherwise, you just feel obligated
that you must also get the latest Apple HTC or Samsung, or whatever
it is that is important that
he makes you spend money and all that kind of stuff, essentially,
is that you don't need it, what did you need it? Fine, get it. But
if you don't need it, and you just getting it because you have to, it
gives you love of the words, and then that's your standard now. And
then your standard will rise and sudden The problem is that you
will start to borrow to live up to the standard. The biggest thing
that people do this is in weddings, which are exorbitant
costs, just because your brother or your relative or your friend
did a wedding that cost 20,000 You must do 30,000 or 25,000 at least.
And you must make it a point to mention it because that's the way
you're doing it. Not that hey, brothers, did you really enjoy
food?
No, we spend two 5000 this customer because the point is that
I spent more than another person. And then the third person will
come along and do more than that's why the promises are lower. Some
says nothing will will fulfill your stomach except the soil of
your grave. So seriously, do not go into this chase, be upright,
have good things in your life, but don't do it because somebody else
is doing it. That's the main thing. Think of clever things.
People I mean, especially these weddings, it just really hit them
because when they do they they feed you all of this really hot
food.
And I feel sorry for the kids. They don't put anything for the
kids. Right so it's supposed to be a day and there's no thought that
goes into it. All the thought is about Haram is not practical.
That's what the issues the duel is really oily bibiani where there's
more masala more more things like when I went to the you have to
look for the rest. Believe I'm not joking. You have to look for the
rice. That's how it's become so extreme that there was more meat
in there than there was rice. And yet there are people who can't get
a pound of meat to use when I was studying in solid food in India.
Right? The only meat that the students there that lived in the
mother got to eat was buffalo meat. Chicken was absolutely no
they never tasted chicken and goat was goat sheep lamb was
impossible. The only thing they got was the big because it's
cheaper. That's it and here Mashallah. We're looking for the
rice.
That said, That's ridiculous. It's silly. It's stupid. What is that?
That's not biryani. It's a meat dish with a bit of rice thrown
into it. I'm going off on another on another topic, but
essentially, that not our friends be too indulgent in the world.
Number five, honesty, sick, truthfulness, you know is that he
says Do not ever be free to live, for you will always face deception
from him. He is like a mirage. He is like a mirage. He makes what is
far seem to be near you. But don't worry, we'll take care of it.
Because he wants to take care of you had something else that he
has, don't worry, we'll take that takes two minutes. And then after
that it didn't happen. You know he was lying. Exaggeration is a
foreign language but so be careful of exaggeration as well.
However, the problem is this way you're going to find somebody with
all of these five qualities, the quality of the intellect, good
character, Wallace was it
salah, which is piety uprightness. Number four,
honesty, civic, and number five absence of greed. Right? You might
have guessed that he says, You will not find all five of these
qualities existing together. Right except in certain groups of
people, maybe people who are just really focused on this students of
the D know people who are really focused on it. It's very difficult
to find them. So now you have two choices. This is either opt for
isolation and solitude in
which you can find peace and safety. But that's difficult,
right you have to have friends, or keep your this is what we have to
do keep your interaction with your friends proportionate to the level
of these qualities within them.
So be in what kind of a friendship you keep and your association with
them so that it doesn't harm you. And yet you can still live with
people. And that's what I would say is the way forward for us in
our communities in the way we live. He says that if you
understand that, friends, or brethren will be of three types.
And if you understand this, you can categorize it, there's one
who's a brother for the sake of the Hereafter, you know, that you
can benefit from this person because of his piety. So that's
what you will benefit with him for, not for the world, because
he's not what a savvy, but he is savvy in terms of the Hereafter,
you will see his support in religious practices. Right? Number
two, you gotta go hydrate somebody, this is the kind of guy
you'll go with, because he will help you increase your
environment. Number two is a person who for the sake of your
worldly life, seek from him nothing beyond good character.
Right, just just deal with him up to that level. And then a number a
third person is a person who is simply agreeable company, seek
from him nothing beyond being saved from his wickedness and
evil.
Right. That's it, then he says that there are three kinds of
people.
The first, this is very interesting. The first group is
like nourishment is like your daily bread, your sustenance, you
can't live without it, you can't exist without a certain people,
you're going to have to be with them. Right? The second is like
medicine, you will need it from time to time on. And the third is
like an illness.
Right, so the first person you have to be with them. The second
group is the one you need from time to time like medicine. And
the third one is like illness, which is never needed at all,
you'd rather not have it that habit. But when a serpent is
afflicted by it, then you have to deal with it. So he says that such
people provide neither benefit nor agreeable company, one must simply
be diplomatic. So if there's somebody you have to work with,
for example, your boss, your employer, your coworker, your your
friend, your neighbor,
and in some cases, your husband or wife, right, if you haven't done
your due, and you've, you know, we have our protectors, then you must
just simply be diplomatic with them until one is relieved of
them.
There are some women that put into those situations, there are some
men who pointed out situations where their parents forced them to
get married to their cousin in Pakistan, who's into somebody
else, and gets him a visa, you have to bring him over here. And
this poor woman is crying her head out. So really sad case, these
forced marriages. It's really bad. We must come out of that. If
that's your braderie. If that's your issue from your back home,
you need to stand up like a man as a Muslim, and say, No, I can't let
my daughter or my son go through that. The horror stories that we
hear, and it mostly portrays endemic problems, in fact, such
big problems of murder and killing and burning oneself and all sorts
of other crazy things. There was one group one one person he was in
the news that they they took this woman to Pakistan, they took their
daughter to Pakistan, and the thing is that she seemed quite
sedated on the plane because they had drugged her.
But when she got there, then she went to a hospital and then the
doctor, she she was going to commit suicide or something the
doctor made a big deal of it and they brought her back to the UK,
which is really crazy stuff we should not do that. We need to
overcome our country in that regard.
Nevertheless, Imam Ghazali says observing a person who's like an
illness, doesn't mean personally bad character. It will it can
bring great benefits if Allah subhanaw taala so wills and if he
if he gives you ability, how because you will see in him vices
and wrongs and the lonely states which you will find absolutely
wrong and repugnant. You will learn to avoid those things you
will take a benefit from them by learning to avoid them they are
they are your mirror and you will avoid them. Indeed the foolish the
Bennett the fortunate one is the only takes money from others and
the believer is the mirror of the believer. May Allah subhanaw taala
make us good friends of others before we before we look for other
friends like that, may Allah meet because good company may Allah
subhanaw taala because upright pious individuals and may Allah
subhanho wa Taala Qantas good company that help us both in this
world and for the sake of the Hereafter worth your time.