Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – How Older Women Can Marry & Overcome Mistrust
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa
salatu salam ala so you didn't know Celine were the early he or
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for the Quran emoji they will for carnal Hamid will antimalaria
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according to be your Salah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Nikka,
home insanity.
My dear respected sisters, what I want to speak about today,
something based on some calls I've received in recent times in the
recent few weeks. And basically, that's regarding older people
getting married. Regarding older sisters in particular, getting
married. What I'm speaking about is that we've got numerous men and
women who for one reason or the other, they may have not been
married, maybe never been married, or in the case of some sisters,
they have been married before maybe divorce, maybe their husband
passed away, generally divorced. And then they've decided that they
don't want to get married again. Because they have children maybe
or, I mean, in many cases, they have children. So they just want
to focus on their children. They don't need to get married so they
don't get married. But then as time goes along, it gets
difficult, especially if they don't have any kind of outside
support or family supporting that matter for some reason. And
what then happens is that as they get older, they have this desire
to to marry. You see, marriage is part of the federal marriage,
marriage as part of the Sunnah. Marriage is part of humanity, it's
part of the human race. It's, in fact, the whole purpose that Allah
subhanaw taala has created men and women in the complementary roles
in the complementary ways that he has is so that the human race can
continue. And that's why in Islam for people not to be married.
That's a discouragement the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, emphatically discouraged that, because when, as most of you
will know, there's the story of the Sahaba, who decided to do
different things in order to increase their worship, one of
them had decided that he won't marry. If you're not married, then
you've got less responsibility. Marriage allows you to be a bit
more free in general, generally, because you don't have any
responsibility towards anybody. You don't have to come home to
anybody for that matter. So the profits alone isn't, you know, he
was very, very
he was very disapproving of that. And he said, No, I am married and
yet I am the most fearful to Allah subhanaw taala. So marriage is
part of Islam. It's part of the Sunnah. It's part of our deen,
it's part of the human fitrah because without that, you know,
you can't procreate the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,
there's a schedule. Well, Moodle will do it for me mocha theorem,
Bitcoin will OMA myonuclear ama so that's another thing the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, which is that he's telling the
men, he's talking to the men, but this can apply the other way
around as well. But in this instance, the broster Lawson was
saying
to the men, that marry those women who are very loving, because
affection and loving nature would help the marriage to prosper, and
to endure. And number two, married those who are very fertile. And
the purpose of that is for procreation because the Prophet
Allah lorrison Then said that I'm going to, I'm going to boast under
their judgment, for the largeness and expense of my OMA for the
large number of members of my Oma. So that's why you can see that the
Sharia is encouraging of marriage. That's why we have stories of
numerous self Saudi Hain Sahaba, Tabby, etc, who got married at a
young age, there's a discussion about Abdullayev no mystery to be
alone, others who got married even at an older age. In fact, some of
them would even marry just so that they they they could leave this
world on a sooner they could depart this world on a sunnah. And
because they didn't want to depart on this world as a singer, they
thought of it so importantly, as a sunnah, that they didn't want to
be considered to be those who are avoiding the Sunnah because
prophets Allah Islam said from an rocky bar and Sunnah de Felice, I
mean, those who avoid ignore those who turn away, dismiss my son that
they're not from me. So marriage is very important in Assam, the
province of Assam showed us that himself, I mean, he had several
wives, which, you know, men today wouldn't be able to do anyway,
wouldn't be allowed to do the number that he had the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wasallam had. But what's happening now is that
in the recent times, I've received several calls about this woman who
are older, right, and I know this from some men that I've known in
the past as well. They're over the age of 40, maybe 4050. And some of
them have children, but now they feel like they need to get
married, but they can't get married. And that's the issue that
I want to tackle with today. How does a person get married at that
age? What are the things that are in their, in their way the
obstacles in their path? What stops them what prevents them and
makes them feel that they can't get married?
There's several things, right? So,
first and foremost, as people get older, they get more fixed in
their ways. I mean that studies will show you that that people
generally get fixed in their ways when people get older. In fact,
the reason why youth is the time that youthfulness or people in
their youth take a lot of advantage, or take a lot of risks
is because the part of their brain, which is risk averse,
hasn't fully developed yet, though they physically developed a feel a
lot of energy, etc, they need to use that. But when it comes to the
part of the brain, which makes them more cautious about taking
risks, that in a teenager hasn't yet developed. And that's why we
see them taking a lot more risks, and they just don't understand it
when we try to older people, when their parents or guardians or
teachers or whoever they are tried to caution them that this is
inappropriate, they just don't understand the inappropriateness
of it. And that's why you see teenagers, they will do some crazy
things that they're going to regret later, they will probably
regret later, including immodest actions or just just crazy
actions. But as we get older, that risk prone nature diminishes, and
people become more fixed in the in the way, young people don't have
too much of a criteria when they're looking for a partner. I
mean, sometimes the criteria could be quite shallow, to be honest. As
we get older, our criteria becomes more fixed, it becomes more
matured. And the criteria actually increases. And sometimes
unfortunately, that criteria that people will make up as they grow
older, when you're 30, you're going to have had lot more
experience than renewer 20. And then if you get to 40, you would
have dealt with so many more people, and have been in so many
different circumstances, that it's going to be totally different.
You're double the age of when you were 20. So clearly the amount of
experience you've had the amount of people that you've met and
dealt with and interacted with, you're going to be very, very
particular about who you want to be with. Because you would have
worked with so many people you may have studied with so many people
you may have lived with so many people by now. And you've really
for yourself, you've identified and narrowed down what your
criteria. So your criteria is very particular problem is that there's
not many people in the world that are perfect. In fact, there's
nobody in the world that's perfect only prophets are perfect in any
sense. There's nobody else that's perfect, everybody has the
defects, and it becomes increasingly difficult
increasingly difficult. The older you get, this is just statistics
that you're going to find the person that you're looking for,
because we become more fixed in our way. So for example, generally
it says that some psychologists, they say that in most of us by the
age of 30, the character has set like plussed and will never soften
again, that's a bit of an extremist view. To be honest, it's
been I don't think they've agreed with that they've discredited that
view that it becomes like plus, I mean, everybody pretty much
everything most psychologists would agree that we definitely
become more set in our ways, but not like plus the way it's
impossible to change. Even Islam doesn't agree with that, because
we have the concept of doba in Islam, and reform and character
reform, etc. So we can definitely change, but it just becomes a bit
more difficult. That's why they say that many people find their
habits and their personality traits harder to change in their
30s personality, by its definition, psychologists say is a
relatively stable set of patterns of thoughts, feelings and
behavior, which is very different to moods. You see, moods are very
temporary, you have mood swings, they're very temporary. They don't
define your character unless you're very moody all the time.
But a mood swing is different, right? That's more much more
temporary in nature. But when you're talking about personality,
and then who you want, that's personality. So psych
psychologists tend to break personality traits down into five
categories. One is how open you are to ideas or how open you are
to others extraversion, right, you become more introverted, how
agreeable agreeableness of a person conscientiousness how
trusted you could be how people could rely on you. And neuro,
neuro.
neuroticism. These are the core traits for human beings that
psychologists generally identify, which aren't affected. They're not
affected by moods.
And some suggests some, some studies even suggest that they're
genetic. But regardless of that, we have what we have, I mean, at
the end of the day, so when we're maturing, however, these traits
are still forming. So when were young, these traits are still
forming. But by the age of 30, the majority of people would have
kind of developed and by the age of 40, they fully developed and
matured in these kinds of traits. So, when we're young, we're more
malleable, right? We're more flexible, we're more willing to
take on something for you know, with less consideration as such,
right. But as we get older, our experiences will shape our
thoughts
Much more. So we become less malleable in that sense.
Islam recommends marriage and said at any age, but preferably at a
younger age, because it's a protection. That's why the
prophets are awesome said Whoever gets married, then they have
preserved half of their Deen. And they just have to fear Allah in
the rest of their Deen in the other half of the DNA. And the
reason for that is quite simple that when a person is married,
because it's such a human desire, it is such a human need as such,
if a person is not married, then that's going to be on their mind.
It may not be for a certain amount of time after maybe some kind of,
you know, ugly divorce or something. But it will be on their
mind eventually, because it's a natural thing that generally kicks
in. That's why the Sharia doesn't want us to remain alone, remain
alone in the sense of without marriage or for men to suffice
with men and to for women to suffice with women, that's
actually seen as a negative sign of the Day of Judgment, that this
is what people will turn towards doing. So in Islam, that's not
considered to be praiseworthy.
Now, let's talk about some of the inhibitions that people will
generally go through. So I've had calls recently from
women age of 4050, even. And they feel like they want to get married
now, right? They had decided for the last 1015 20 years that they
were not going to get married. But now they want to get married,
because they just can't do it alone anymore. Some of them have
children as well. They just can't do it. They need somebody to help
them. So I said, then why don't you get married? He says, Well, I
don't trust anybody. How can I trust somebody? How can I find
somebody trustworthy? See, the problem is that we've seen this
with a lot of women, especially women, when they get divorced, men
tend to find it much easier to move along, get married. Again,
it's just whether that's a social issue, or a psychological issue,
whatever the case is, that's just the reality, it seems. But for
women, it gets much more difficult. And a lot of them end
up in depression, or a lot of them end up hating everybody or
isolating themselves. Right? So for example, is one sister that I
that I've spoken to recently, she doesn't trust anybody, how can I
bring somebody in, and it may affect my children? Right? It's
gonna affect my children. I don't trust anybody. They've had a bad
experience before. So they don't trust anybody. SubhanAllah. So the
first thing that we have to understand is that not everybody
is bad. I mean, I told them in personally myself that I deal with
a lot of people in all parts of the world, I mean, because of the
travel that I have to do. And I would say that the majority of
people that I meet are decent people, right? They're not
corrupt, they're not messed up, they are trustworthy. But
psychologically, we can magnify something in our mind, right? In a
way that doesn't reflect reality. And this is what happens. I mean,
this could happen, to be honest, at any age. But obviously, the
older you get, the more suspicious you could become, if you've
allowed yourself to go in that direction, if it hasn't been
nipped in the bud. Right. So a lot of people the reason they may want
to get married, but the reason why they can't get married, is because
they don't trust anybody. What I want to say is that, if that's the
case, then you really need to get some help with that, talk to some
orlimar about it, go and get psychological help, if that helps,
right? If that's what you need to do, go and get professional help
of somebody to help you work your way through your insecurities,
your fears, the threats that you feel, and so on. And so because
that's very important, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said
that anybody who thinks that everybody else is destroyed and
corrupt, then they're the most corrupt and destroyed of them
themselves. Because it's impossible that everybody is going
to be corrupt completely. There has to be some good people out
there. Right? There has to be a lot of good people out there.
Right? That's the human nature, especially, you know, that's the
human nature. So for a person to think that everybody else is
messed up, right, and there's no good people out there. They're
messed up psychologically, themselves. This is what I think
the professor Lawson was saying. So we really need to remedy that.
Because the reality is something else. How come so many other
people I mean, just look around you have all of the people in the
successful marriages that are majority of people in our
communities and hamdullah are married, and probably successfully
to a certain degree. Yes, we've got a good portion, maybe, right,
maybe 20 30% who are having trouble. There's no doubt about
that. We hear these stories all the time. I mean, just in the
last, I would say three to four weeks, I've received at least
between seven to 10 queries, phone calls, or emails, whatever about
divorce and marriage and about crazy things like that in between.
So we do have issues, but it's not in the majority of cases. It's not
in the majority of cases. And we really need to understand look at
others, see how they're successful don't just justify their success
based on some abnormality know the norm is to be successful in sha
Allah, right? So we really need to remedy that psychological obstacle
in our mind inhibition, to feel that everybody else is corrupt and
untrustworthy and so on. The other way to look at it is this number
two. The other way to look at it is this. You have been in your
status quo, meaning
You have lived away you have for this many years or decades or
whatever it may be. And it's not helpful. It hasn't helped you,
you're struggling, it's difficult for you, and you now feel that you
need a partner. So how much worse can it get? Like, if you do get
married now and you do so find a suitable partner after you know,
effort, and you do get married again, then? Can it be any worse
than now you're already in a bad state, so it can't be worse. So
what's the problem in taking the risk? You can the if you if you
strike it lucky inshallah with the with the two hours to Allah
subhanaw taala. In sha Allah, it will, it will work out better for
you. So why not try it? Right, it can't be any worse. But in that
regard, I'm going to suggest a few things, right? That if you look
for someone to get married, because for instance, in
in some cases, what happens is you need family help. And I asked
sometimes to some people why, you know, where's your family, they
said, they don't want to help me, that surprises me a lot, to be
honest, right? Because at the end of the day, Allah has made
families you know, with their blood relationship, the womb
relationship that they share between them, that they want to
assist one another, right. And just from my experience, a lot of
the time if somebody is unwilling to assist their brother, their
sister, or their son or daughter or their uncle or auntie, whoever
it is, especially if it's close relatives, it's probably because
there's a personality issue that has caused some issue in the past.
I can't see why any decent parents or or brothers or sisters wouldn't
help their family members
wouldn't help their family members. If it's all a normal
state. Look, we do exceptionally in an exceptional situation, there
may be some really weird people who don't care about others, and
who are just completely unreasonable people oppressive and
uncaring. Very selfish. We do have individuals like that. But I mean,
all of your family can't be like that. Is it? Because you've burned
bridges in the past? Right? You know, I don't want to judge
anybody. And I don't like to judge people. But I like to make people
think. So the question that I generally ask is, why do you think
they don't want to help you? Right? Is it because you've maybe
refused to help in the past? Is it because you have acted
antagonistically? Maybe you've been rude before maybe, you know,
in an emotional state, maybe you know, you are not feeling your
best and you burnt bridges that way, maybe you don't want their
help. Right. And that's why they thought, Okay, leave you alone to
your to your own devices, because they just don't want to help you
have to do things differently. You have to think about this. But
again, this may require professional help, because it's
not as easy as just thinking about hopefully, some people can just
think about this maker, click, allow it to click in their minds,
and then just go forth with that with a lot of dua to Allah
subhanaw taala. So these are the inhibitions. Now, why am I
speaking to you people about this today? Well, because if there is
anybody among you who is experienced this, then inshallah
or something like this, then insha, Allah
discussing these various different circumstances may be of help, but
I'm sure all of us know somebody or the other or may run into
somebody or the other. So that's why I want us to be able to
provide this because a more enriched community is a better
community, a more informed community is a better community
because you can help others I can't get to everybody else. I'm
just talking about this based on the several cases that I've dealt
with in the recent past. And I felt that now, it required that,
you know, I do a public lecture on this. And, you know, I don't have
all of the answers, but at least this some of these answers, some
of these suggestions and advice will help and if you have that you
can Inshallah, then extend that and provide it to other people who
are not going to listen to this lecture or other lectures that
other scholars and experts may have done. So firstly, it's to
overcome the inhibition and remove and relieve and cure this, this
feeling in our heart that everybody is out there to do us
bad? No, that's not the case. You do. istikhara right. You do
istikhara you ask Allah subhanaw taala for the best, that's a very
powerful dua you make mashallah with others, you don't try to
reintegrate yourself in the community by just finding decent
friends, and I would suggest that you read a dua in this case to
help you which is Allahumma zakenna Hogback Wahab Manian
minion feminina her boo Indic Allahumma zakenna Hogberg Dominion
Pharaoh Luna, her boo and which basically means Oh Allah grant us
your love, and the love of those whose love benefits as in your
court, which means that Allah will then
grant us affection towards people friendship, towards people that
are good for us that are beneficial for us in the sight of
Allah subhanho wa Taala to ask for good companionship from Allah
subhanaw taala is very important of Allah make those that surround
us good, make us friends with good people ask Allah pointedly that
this is what you want from Allah subhanaw taala and of course for
the betterment of our own
children and spouses and family in general, you could say Robin, I
have Luna Minh as Vergina with Rhea, Tina Kurata Yun, which are
analemma Tokina. Emma, you could do that though, which I've
explained so many times before, grant us the coolness of our eyes,
the delight of our eyes, from our spouses and our children, and make
us the leaders of the righteous people. So that that's firstly to
try to relieve ourselves and to look at things more clearly. Then
the other thing that just some practical considerations that I
want to mention, right, is that if you do end up finding somebody,
then there's a few things that you need to take into account, this is
not something I will say that you need to do in a normal marriage by
default, because I don't think it's required. But in a case like
this, where you've got your fears to allay your fears, what you want
to do is when you find Mr. Right, whoever it may be, you're going to
have to come down in your criteria, right, because I've had
numerous people who are so fixed in their way, right, that they
just can't find the ideal person because they literally score them
according to their criteria. And if any one or two of those
criteria are missing, and they can't live up to that, they just
dismiss these people. Right. And I've had a case where there's
somebody who actually had a criteria. And finally, after
meeting so many prospective spouses, they settled down with
one and it didn't work out, you're gonna have to rely on Allah
subhanaw taala, you're gonna have to take a plunge, you do an amount
of due diligence, but this is not some kind of business. Right?
There is another level to it, which is from Allah subhanaw
taala. So you need to Ah, right, you need to, you need the
assistance of Allah and you need to ask mashallah from others as
well. So let's not just make it purely a criteria based yes, there
should be some maybe some major criteria gone. Take your criteria
to somebody, if you need to write somebody who you trust and say,
Look, these are my credit, do you think this is ideal, too
idealistic? Do you think this is a bit too extreme, right, which are
the most important things I should, you know, like, really cut
down your criteria, really
cut down your criteria to the absolute minimum basic fundamental
ones that you know, you can't live without, and, and Subhanallah, ask
Allah subhanaw taala, and then go for it. But then what you need to
do is what I would suggest is two things now, put a clause in your
marriage contract, right, put a clause in your marriage, and I'll
explain that briefly right now. But if you ever, when you are in
this situation, if you're in a situation, then feel free to
contact us or any other scholar who can explain this to you, but
put a clause in your marriage contract that a you know, find any
person who's in your life, maybe your father, maybe your brother,
maybe you know, if you've got an older son or somebody decent that
you know, will be reasonable and decent, you will say to your
prospective spouse, the person your suitor, that you need to
consign
one option of a divorce to this individual, right, who is my
relative or my, you know, somebody I know, or maybe the local Imam,
you know, whoever you can
get them to agree on on taking this on, right. So, what you will
do is, you will ask the prospective spouse that and only
marry on the condition that you can sign one of your divorce
options to this person, right? That in x, y and Zed case, and you
can actually keep it as general if you want or you it's better to
stipulated that if x y Zed goes wrong, and you know, whatever your
main fears are, right, you can make them very specific and say
that if this doesn't work, it has to be very tangible, that it's
something that can't be left to interpretation, it has to be
something very clear. Otherwise, there's going to be an argument
about it. Alright, or you can keep it in general, if you want to that
if x y and Zed happens or if this doesn't work out in this
particular way, then this man has the right to issue the divorce to
me, if you don't issue the divorce to me, the reason I mentioned
this, is because there's some women who've come out and they've
managed to finally release themselves and extract themselves
from from some very, very abusive marriages. The marriage was
abusive, it was very, very difficult. And the husband then
refused to give them a divorce. Which is really, really, really
corrupt. Allah says in the Quran, certainly hoo hoo, NESARA and
Jamila, like if you can't live together and it doesn't work out,
and then the divorce has to take place, then just let them go
beautifully. In fact, in Islam, if if a man divorces his wife, then
you know forget Mahara and dowry which has to be paid anyway and it
becomes due divorced. If there's any outstanding that's a separate
issue. There is an additional Marriage Divorce gift I would call
it a divorce gift in Arabic they call it moto right which means a
beneficial gift right? They would have to on Tala you give a Muhtar.
You give a you give a divorce parting gift of a suit of a
garment of you know of a cloth of clothing of a set of
clothing to the wife to your ex wife, right as a goodwill gesture,
because a lot of times this is very acrimonious, right? This a
lot of sorrow heartbreak takes place in here. And we don't want
families to break up because of this. We've just seen too much of
that. So there's a sudden there's an excuse to have to do this. It's
a recommendation to give to give a set of clothing to your, your ex
wife when you divorce her, you know, or your wife when you
divorce her. So the idea of this is that what happens with some
husbands, they're very abusive. In fact, I've I've come across some
really naive men, where it's all going wrong. They don't want to
stay with each other. They can't stay with each other. But the
husband refuses to divorce and I said why? He said, Because It's
haram to divorce, as it is haram to divorce only in certain cases.
It's not haram to divorce in okay. That's why we it's it's a halal,
it is not haram. Absolutely. It's not haram absolutely at all. It's
actually just impermissible. Unless you are in the case where
it must be done. In fact, in some cases, that divorce is the Mercy
we're not Catholics. I remember when I was in the Vatican, the big
discussion there with members in the Vatican was just this that
they were trying to figure out how to circumvent they're very strict
law that they have that people can't get divorced. In fact,
according to many Catholic churches, if a one of their
members gets a divorce, they get excommunicated from the church.
They are no longer members of that church, which is really sad, we
don't have the issue. Divorce takes place, divorce happens, even
the professor Lawson wanted to divorce so out of the Allahu anha.
And there are other women that that it's related that he
divorced, right? There's the case of also the Sahaba, who came to
the professor Lawson said I can't complain of my husband at all
right in everything else in Dean etc. He is wonderful, but I don't
want to be ungrateful in my Islam, which means I may be she's saying
I don't appreciate him according to the version. So the prophets I
said, Okay, fine, do a holla. Are you willing to give him back what
he gave you? I think it was an orchardist Are you willing to give
it back to him? He says, Yes, I'm willing to give it back to him. So
then he he said, you know, you can do this and give her a divorce on
on on that basis. But don't keep women hanging, this is completely
wrong. So then what happens in these cases is that the woman, she
then if the husband doesn't give a divorce, then she has to run
around, she has to then go to a Sharia court. And it's this long
winded progress process, which is very, very difficult. So that's
why I suggested in a case like this, when you got fears to allay
your fears, you get married, but put that the free the this in
Arabic is called the Free dot Pollak, right, which means to
consign a divorce to somebody else that, you know, you trust that
they will then issue the divorce if the husband doesn't, of course,
this doesn't mean that the husband can't issue the divorce anymore,
he still has the three rights of divorce that he has. But this is
just an extension of that right to somebody else that we both can do
it. Right. So if you haven't understood that correctly, you
know, please feel free to contact us at zum zum academy.com. And the
other lecture that I would suggest that you really listen to if you
haven't already, right, if if you know just to help you get over
this, these fears and get over the fact that you've suffered in the
past, so you're going to suffer in the future. And thus you don't
trust anybody to get over that. There's a very important lecture
that I would suggest you listen to on zum zum Academy called
Don't be depressed, you don't know your future, because what a lot of
people do is, if they've had a bad experience in the past, they
project that onto the future and think that that's what's written
for them. Now nobody knows what's written for them until after it's
happened. Only then do you know what the Prophet sallallahu sallam
said in a hadith of Sahih Muslim is rissalah million federal cola
charges, which means that you need to avidly seek out what is
beneficial for you. So if being married for you is beneficial, and
the Sunnah, say, so then that's what you should do, you should
avidly seek it out. Here's is the word in Arabic that's used, which
is, you know, really go for it, and what attaches and don't just
sit back and cry is my word, right? Don't just sit back and do
nothing about it and think that you're important. No, don't just
sit back and do nothing you need to go for this is what the Prophet
salallahu Salam wants from us, right? He wants us to be
productive, he wants us to be He wants us to be positive about the
about the future optimistic about the future, and not just, you
know, consider everybody to be messed up as some people do. So.
So again, first try to remedy our issues by the various different
ways that I mentioned. Listen to that lecture. You know, get
professional help. If you have to look at ponder over other people's
marriages, don't let yourself justify it. You know, don't become
OCD about this and understand that you know, you're in a better you,
it's worth taking the risk because you're not enjoying your state
right now. Right and it can't get any worse but then put some
safeguards in it.
place when if you do get married, and when you do get married by
having one divorce option, consigned to somebody. And lastly,
the other thing that you can consider doing is that when you do
get married, clearly, if you're older than you're going to have
your own place, they're going to have their own place. So rather
than have them have, you know, the two of you move in together
straightaway, and then try to build it like that you could
consider another way, which is that he stays where he is, you
stay where you are, and you just meet up, you know, every day, or
whatever the case is. And you slowly build that relation,
especially if you have to introduce the children to it
because sometimes, children, unfortunately, sometimes they
don't like the you know, they act very selfish. I've dealt with
cases like that where some children mashallah very good, say
yes to their mother or father, yes, you should get married again,
and are very supportive. But in other cases, they're very jealous,
right? They said, like, How can you marry when our mother had
died, or our father, you know, had died, or whatever the case is, but
you have to live your own life. So you have to do this slowly. Right,
you have to do this slowly. So if you want to do it that way, where
you just kind of, you know, come together once in a while, or
sorry, every day, every every two days, or whatever. And slowly,
slowly, as the relationship builds up, right, you can understand one
another, then you actually move in. And if it doesn't work, then
there's always divorce at the end of it. And you've got that, you
know, you've got that safety net, which I explained of the
consignment of divorce there as well. So these are a number of
suggestions that we're just trying to find practical suggestions so
that we can observe the son of marriage, we can remove the
depression, we can remove the isolation, the feeling of icing
because a lot of people who've been divorced, and because they
start thinking that everybody's out to get them sometimes they
isolate themselves from the community as well. Right. And
that's really difficult. In fact, I've seen very successful people I
mean, in the set, I mean, in inverted commas of those people
who've been divorced, mashallah, they volunteer for everything,
right? And that's how they keep themselves occupied. Right?
Otherwise, they may feel that they don't have any self worth. So they
really keep themselves occupied by volunteering everywhere. That's
one way to deal with it. Right? That's one way to deal with it.
But the Sahaba as I said, some of them they would, they would marry
even towards the end of their life. So that it'd be it'd be a
sunnah that they could observe. We ask Allah subhanaw taala for
assistance and help We ask Allah to make us assist those who are in
difficulty because we as a community need to do more. Right
and the only way we can do more is if we recognize these things and
we become informed of these things, and we understand how to
inshallah advise others, we ask Allah to help us, help ourselves
and inshallah help others and make this a source of sadaqa jariya aka
Ana and Al Hamdulillah, Hara Rabbil Alameen.