Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Healthy Marriage
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss issues with intimacy, couples not meeting their expectations, and struggles with couples not meeting their goals. They emphasize the importance of finding a stable environment for relationships and finding a partner who is willing to work hard, while also acknowledging the benefits of maintaining a romantic relationship and avoiding getting married to someone who is not the same age as them. The church's partnering behavior, including over-stepping boundaries, problems with couples, and problems with relationships is also discussed. Permissions in marriage are also addressed, including the church's partnering behavior.
AI: Summary ©
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious,
the Most Merciful.
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of
the worlds.
And peace and blessings be upon the Messenger,
who is a mercy to the worlds, and
upon his family and companions, and may his
blessings and peace be upon him.
And peace be upon him until the Day
of Recompense.
And so on.
Allah, the Exalted, says in the Glorious Quran,
and the Beloved Qur'an, O people, We
have created you from a male and a
female, and We have made you nations and
tribes, that you may know one another.
Indeed, I have honored you with knowledge.
And Allah, the Exalted, said, O people, fear
your Lord, Who created you from a single
soul, and created from it a wife.
And among them were many men and women.
And fear Allah, in whom you ask for
help and mercy.
Indeed, Allah is ever watching over you.
God Almighty has spoken the truth.
Dear brothers and dear sisters, Alhamdulillah, we are
gathered here today to I can't remember the
exact title of the poster but it's something
to Happily Ever After or something like that.
Happily Ever After.
So, it's about marriage, right?
And marriage is, in some hadith, the discussion
is that marriage is half of faith.
So, I guess if marriage is right, then
half of the faith is right.
How is marriage half of faith?
Marriage is probably half of faith because marriage
provides brain for the soul, food for the
brain and for the soul and for the
heart and emotion.
How does marriage do that?
For the human being, they need food.
We need food to eat, to get nourished
by.
They also need, humans are not created to
be alone.
No human being was created to be alone.
Humans were created to procreate and to continue
the ummah and worship Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
Allah says in the Quran, وَلَقَدْ أَرْسَلْنَا رُسُلٌ
مِّن قَبْلِكَ وَجَعَلْنَا لَهُمْ أَزْوَاجٌ وَذُرِّيَّةٌ Before you,
we created prophets, messengers before you, before the
Prophet ﷺ, there were many other messengers and
for each of them, we had for them
wives, spouses and for them we had descendants,
progeny.
Isa ﷺ is still going to come back
and finish his life off.
But that was the purpose of prophets, but
even with the prophets, Allah gave them spouses
and children.
So to have a spouse and to have
children is the way of this world.
If people stopped having children, then we wouldn't
have been around.
If our parents were selfish, career-oriented, human
-like, you know, human-like individuals, then we
wouldn't have been here because they would have
just been worried about indulging in themselves and
having a selfless life, a selfish lifestyle.
There's a lot of people who don't want
to have children, and there's a lot who
don't want to have husbands or wives.
They don't mind having flings, they don't mind
having partners because that's necessary, they think, because
you have to have a fulfillment, you have
to have sexual fulfillment, it's very necessary.
So, there's a lot of feminists, for example,
who are now 60 years old, 50 and
60 years old, and now they're lamenting over
their lost children.
What does that even mean?
That means that when they were young, they
had this idea that you didn't need to
get married.
And if you did get married, if you
did get married, you didn't need to have
children, because if you have children, you have
to look after them.
That complicates your life.
You can't then follow your path and your
career.
You can't then become a master in a
particular field, or whatever it is, because children
require a lot of effort.
Husband, wife, require.
So, what they did was they dug away
with the system of marriage.
If they did get married, then it was
a marriage of two complete equals.
They can do what they want.
For example, I had a case with a
Muslim couple where the guy had studied probably
engineering or something.
This was in America when I was an
imam in America.
The wife, and there's many cases like this,
just one of them that I recall, the
wife had studied generalism.
She was from East Coast, he was from
Midwest.
And they moved to the Midwest because that's
where the husband is from, Chicago.
And then after a few years she said,
like, I'm going to move back to the
East, you come along with me if you
want to, otherwise you don't.
And they married.
It's just like casually, like, okay, that's what
I want to do.
So, I think he had to move.
So, somebody has to dominate.
So, lots of this confusion is happening.
So, less people are getting married now.
Overall, especially outside of the Muslim culture, less
people are getting married.
And even in those who do get married,
so there's probably about 50% or less
that will actually get married among people who
live together.
And among the 40-50% that actually
get married, divorce has just increased.
So, the marriages don't really last.
Why?
Because the whole purpose of that, what a
marriage is about, has been lost.
What a marriage is supposed to be about
has been lost.
So, marriage is very important.
The other thing that we know as Muslims
is that we believe in another world.
This world is just a temporary place.
That helps a lot.
That changes the whole perspective.
I don't know if anybody here has been
through the belief that there is no other
world.
What a person, how a person operates in
this world when they think there's no other
world.
And how you operate when you do believe
there's another world.
There has to be a complete difference in
the way you do things.
Because when you believe there's no other world,
this is your only world and you're going
to try to make this world as enjoyable
in a particular sense.
Because you only live once.
So, do what you want, just enjoy once,
because there's nothing to go to.
For us, this world is literally just a
springboard.
It's just a place, a station to get
to the hereafter from.
And the hereafter is supposed to be way
better, inshallah.
So doesn't that change the way we do
things?
It changes the perspective completely.
So, I don't know why I said what
I said, I never say this stuff, but
today for some reason I said it.
Did you understand what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Only uncle did.
Anybody else understand?
Because I just see deadpan faces, and what
that does is it makes me feel that
I'm just maybe wasting my time.
So, I need to see some reaction.
Does that make some sense?
I know it's a bit philosophical for Saturday
night.
Right?
Saturday night is time to eat out and
things like that.
So you're sitting in a masjid.
Sorry about that.
Allah bless us for that.
Give us some spiritual food, right?
But anyway, it'll get a bit easier.
It'll get a bit easier.
I don't know why I said what I
said.
Alhamdulillah.
So now what we're going to talk about
is something more simple.
I wrote a book on marriage in 2019.
It's a very practical book.
Not just thick, not just masajid, but mainly
a practical book.
Anybody read it yet?
Anybody seen the book?
Okay, there's two people.
So, what I'm going to cover today, most
of it is not in the book because
this stuff I, after thinking for a long
time, writing a book on it, dealing with
marriage issues for 20 years, being married for
26 or 27 years, there's some things that
come up after you discuss all the issues.
I think there's a big problem in preparing
for marriage.
Now, most people here, half the people here,
60% seem to be married, and the
others are maybe not married.
But inshallah, this will be relevant for married
and unmarried people.
It's going to be relevant for those who
are not married, for those who are married,
and those who are veterans in marriage.
Inshallah, it's going to be relevant to veterans
in marriage as well.
Any veterans in marriage?
You can't belong here.
Yani, mashallah, bohot agir por gaye, then we
have to get other people married, mashallah.
So, inshallah, it'll be relevant.
So, how does one prepare for marriage?
Nowadays, preparation for marriage means, once you've found
the person, the preparation means, where are we
going to hold the nikah?
Do we have a hall?
Which is the best hall?
Who's going to be the caterer?
Who are we going to invite?
Who can we miss out?
Kisko banana hai, kisko nahin banana hai.
That's tough.
That's very tough.
I just got my son married, and that
was, one of the toughest things was, who
do you call and who you don't call.
Because when you've got a big family, then
it's complicated.
What you're going to wear, where you're going
to go for a honeymoon, what your room
is going to look like, and so on.
Very few people, very few people think about
how you're going to live with this person
after you get married.
Few people think about that.
Well, they might think about it, but they
don't prepare for it.
They don't even know what to prepare for.
What do you prepare for?
Now this is, obviously for people who are
not married, but this is relevant for people
who are married already.
Because if they didn't prepare properly, they'd have
to sort it out.
Not because it's going to cause problems.
It is causing problems in their marriage.
So how do you prepare for a marriage?
Because that's what real marriage is about.
The first few days, the romantic period, the
honeymoon period, as you call it, everything is
usually fine, because everybody is on another level,
on another cloud, on another world.
But when you actually start living together, and
the normal day-to-day routine begins, then,
how do you deal with things?
So, tell me, what are the issues that
usually spoil the marriage?
What are the issues in behavior that usually
spoil the marriage?
So go on, and then we'll discuss those.
I feel nowadays, like, the rise of feminism
and stuff like this...
Okay, that's too complicated, we already dealt with
that.
But I'll cover that in a minute.
But, like, just behavioral issues.
Behavioral issues, so people tend to be very
selfish.
So let's say selfishness.
Good.
Just want one word.
What else?
Work routines.
It just depends if it's a bad routine.
You can have this.
Lack of communication.
Communication, so work routine clashes, maybe.
Communication.
Bad habits.
Yeah.
And what else?
Lack of respect.
MashaAllah, good stuff.
There's another big one, man.
In-laws.
In-laws, extended family, yes?
Hygiene.
Hygiene.
Hygiene.
Hygiene is an issue, it's an obvious issue.
Anything else?
Anger.
How about anger?
Is that an issue?
You don't get angry here, you guys?
Anger is, like, a big issue, man.
Okay, that's fine.
MashaAllah, I'm glad.
Once I was giving a program in South
Africa.
In this masjid in Berlin.
I'm talking, I'm asking them questions.
And MashaAllah, there's all these older people sitting
in the first row with tasbeehs.
They're looking at me, but they're just...
And I'm asking them questions, they're just...
Man, aapko kaise bayan karenge hai?
You know, are you listening?
Are you doing tasbeeh?
Kya kar rahe hain aap log?
Anyway, so Alhamdulillah, MashaAllah, you guys are zinda
log, man.
But none of you get angry, that's good.
So, I'm going to start with anger first.
Anger is a destroying factor.
And it gets people...
It spoils marriage.
Right?
Anger is a big issue.
Why?
Because when two people come together, different personalities.
Two people get together, they're different personalities.
And if we want it our way, and
the other person does it differently, we're going
to get angry.
Then the other person is going to react.
And then it's going to cause an issue.
So, I must be honest to myself, even
before I get married, that what are the
issues?
Do I have an anger problem?
If I have an anger problem, it's going
to mess my marriage up.
If you have a problem, you're married already,
it's messing your marriage up.
Or it has messed it up.
We need to sort it out.
For example, I think I had an anger
problem.
But I think my wife dealt with me.
I think I've calmed down quite a bit.
How do you find out if you have
an anger problem?
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala creates everybody.
Every single human being is created with a
set of qualities.
And also a set of weaknesses.
Every single human being.
Allah gives us all qualities so that we
can use it to run our life and
do something good.
Just compare yourself to your own brothers and
sisters.
Same parents, same food, same upbringing.
But one of you will be maybe smarter
than the other.
One of you will be faster than the
other.
One of you will be more on time
and another one will take five minutes late.
You don't have to tell me what your
issue is.
One of them will be generous.
One of them will be more stingy.
One of them will share kids.
One of them will share his last sweet.
Another one won't even share his first sweet.
You understand?
Everybody is different.
Even though we're the same family.
That's just Allah creating us unique.
Our job is to use our qualities to
do something good and to run our life.
And if you're successful people, you've used your
life.
You've used your qualities.
Most people, they recognize their qualities except the
losers.
Those people who just want to get into
addictions or whatever.
Then they've succumbed to their weaknesses.
They haven't found their qualities.
They don't know how to earn a living
properly.
They don't know how to settle down.
But most people, Alhamdulillah, use their qualities to
do something good.
However, most people don't necessarily identify their weakness
and do something about it.
They keep dismissing it.
Anger is a weakness.
Some anger is very good.
Without anger, you'll be so laid back you
won't mind any abuse.
You need a bit of oomph in your
life.
But too much anger is a massive problem.
Anger is like fire.
And just compare yourself to your family.
Who gets angry quickly?
Who flies off the handle quickly?
What do we do if we've got an
anger problem?
I've benefited a lot because I had to
do a series of bayans on the subject
of anger and other things.
So I read the verses about controlling anger.
And then I read the hadith about dealing
with anger.
The Prophet ﷺ was telling his sahabi, don't
get angry.
Three times he told him.
That was the only advice he gave him
because that was so important because anger creates
so many other issues.
Abu Dharr r.a was once angry in
a field.
He was in a field and he got
angry because of some discord with somebody.
So he was angry.
What he did was he sat down in
the mud.
It was a field.
He was surprised.
And then he lay down.
What are you doing?
The Prophet ﷺ said, if you're angry and
you're standing up, then sit down.
And if you're sitting down, then lie down.
Why?
Because it helps to diffuse the anger.
When you're standing scientifically, psychologically, if you're standing
up you're in a more confrontational mode.
So you can lash out.
That's why they say that if you ever
want to tell somebody something about them that's
critical, don't ever do it standing.
There's a brother.
You want to tell him something.
Brother, you shouldn't do this.
Don't grab him outside the masjid in that
passage and say, Brother, you shouldn't do this.
When you're standing up, he'll get his shoe
and knock you.
Because when you're standing up, you're just more
aggressive and confrontational.
If you want to critique somebody, call him
home.
Set him up with a really nice seating
place.
Let him relax and lie down.
Then criticize him when you want.
Try it.
Don't criticize them just standing up like that.
Because they won't listen.
It's just that's how people are usually.
Because they're more aggressive when they're standing up.
That's maybe one of the scientific reasons of
the Prophet ﷺ making you sit down.
So I learned that, and it calmed me
down quite a bit.
Now, if you've got an anger problem, it's
going to be causing a lot of issues.
So the other way to do it as
well is take an anger management course.
You don't have to tell anybody.
This is not about pointing fingers at anyone.
I need to do it for my own
benefit because otherwise, I'm creating massive aggression in
the house.
Privately, take an anger management course.
It will teach us what makes us angry.
It will make us think.
What is it that's making me angry?
Why do I get angry?
What are the triggers for anger?
It will help me prepare for anger, and
so on and so forth.
It's very helpful.
Diffuse a lot of the anger.
It's very important.
Tell us how to channel our energy.
There's a lot of benefit in that.
Okay, that was the first one, anger.
Let's take another one.
Can I just say on anger, my brother
Hasan gave a talk on anger.
Dispouse is a choice as well.
If you're an angry person, and you're a
fiery person, it's better not to choose somebody
who's got similar traits.
To be honest, I don't think that's a
good idea.
What you're saying is that don't choose another
person with anger when there's going to be
two of you, two fires in the house.
Good point.
But if you don't sort your anger out,
then the calm person you get married to,
she's going to be abused, or he, depending
on which way you're going.
Then we'd better sort it out.
And these are, in my own example, I
was a very angry person.
I've calmed down quite a bit.
I still get angry, but I've calmed down
quite a bit.
So I think the best thing is that
that's a way out what you're doing.
That's a cop-out.
So sort that anger out.
Okay, let's move on to the next one.
By the way, any questions on that?
See, we've only got like an hour and
a half or two, right?
So I'm going to cover just certain points
for a number of minutes.
I can't cover everything about marriage, but whatever
is important for you, you can bring that
up in the questions.
And I'm going to say right from now
to the brothers and the sisters, I will
not consider any question to be off-limits.
So you can ask literally any question, however
sensitive you might be.
You can be anonymous, you can write it
on a piece of paper and send it,
do it through Slido, or you can ask
openly.
If I don't know the answer, I don't
know the answer.
Otherwise, we'll try to answer.
But it's very important because marriage, if a
marriage is stable, of a couple with children,
then if everybody's marriage is settled, that community
is settled.
Otherwise, a lot of the crimes which are
happening, they're happening from children who came from
unstable families.
Unstable families.
They didn't get the right interaction from the
father and the mother.
If there was a father and a mother,
it wasn't both the right way.
There was constant turmoil and tension in the
house.
We don't want that tension.
We need to sort out marriage.
And there could be multiple reasons for the
problems in a marriage.
So anger is just one of them.
Number two, sensitivity.
Sensitivity is an issue.
Sensitivity is a small thing.
If you're living with somebody so closely, there's
going to be something that's going to bother
the other person.
And if you're sensitive, then you're going to
feel insulted very quickly because you just consent
to it and you stop crying.
There's some people who stop crying.
Some of these are bigger issues in men,
some of these are bigger issues in women,
but we all have issues.
So, sensitivity.
A guy that I know, a good woman
I know, she got married to a family
where her husband didn't have a father, he
had a mother, and he had brothers and
sisters.
Some of them were physically challenged, but she
was still willing to marry into their beds
of servants.
She didn't have a problem with that.
Got married.
But then her mother-in-law was such
that any small thing that happens, she would
stop talking to her for two days.
That means many days of the week.
Two days and then you're okay for a
day and then two days again.
How do you live in that?
With just the two main women of the
family, they don't talk to one another.
Humans don't deal with that.
We don't like that kind of a thing.
So finally, alhamdulillah, the husband separated.
He got another house close by.
He was able to still look after his
mom and alhamdulillah, they're fine now.
But sensitivity is a big issue.
Now, where does this sensitivity come from?
Again, it's an issue that can be sorted
out.
Anybody sensitive here?
I can't see the sisters, but the guys,
anybody sensitive here?
So, mashallah, there's some people, on the 27th
night, they're trying to cry to Allah in
the du'a and they can't cry all
night.
And there's others, they mashallah, cry for free.
Small little things happen, they start crying.
You're not like that, obviously.
They start crying for free.
There's cry of everything.
That's their way of dealing with feeling insulted
or feeling let down.
One day, my son was about 7 or
8 at the time, he came home, and
I heard him talking to his mom.
He was asking him about a friend, one
of his classmates.
So he said, I'm not talking to him.
I heard this, I went home, I said,
where did you learn to stop talking to
someone?
We don't do this in the house.
What we do in the family is that
if anybody's upset with somebody, you tell them,
I'll tell them, oh yeah, it's done.
We don't stop talking.
It's just a bad way of dealing with
it.
So, where did he learn that from?
He didn't learn it from the house, he
learned it from a friend.
His friend was the one, he said, I'm
not talking to you anymore.
So he thought, I could do the same
thing.
It's a very bad way of dealing with
this.
Yes, there are some valid cases where you
stop talking to somebody.
There are valid cases, the Prophet ﷺ has
mentioned that.
But in most cases, deal with the issue
and move along.
For example, for children, what we would tell
them is, the guy you have an issue
with, just sort it out.
Make dua for them, because you're probably going
to be in the guy's class for the
next 3 years, 4 years.
You're always going to have problems with them.
It's going to be quite a tough few
years.
Why don't you make dua for them?
Allah has sought me out, so you can
get along well.
These are things we can teach our children,
how to prepare for marriage.
Preparing for marriage means just sorting out our
character.
That's all it is.
So what I usually tell, because I asked
some ulema about this, did some research on
dealing with sensitivity.
What they say is that it's a trauma
from the past.
Whoever cries usually, easily, just feeling insulted or
let down, it's usually because they haven't grown
up.
Their mind hasn't grown up from when they
were 3, 4 years old.
Now what does that mean?
And I'm not saying this to put down
anybody, because I know you don't do this,
it's not about you.
It's just in general.
When you're young, when you're a 2 year
old, 3 year old, and your brother takes
your toy from you, who's bigger than you,
he takes your toy from you, what do
you do?
What does that child do?
He cries.
He cries.
And what happens when you cry?
Does the brother give you back?
No.
What happens?
Come on, hurry up.
Exactly, your mum comes to help you.
So you're crying because you're hoping for your
mum to come and help you.
But there's no mum now.
She's somewhere else.
So it's just you have to learn to
deal with your own issue.
And again, there's self-help, lots of help
online.
Nowadays it's amazing where you can see a
counsellor if that's an issue.
You know, a few people who have this
kind of issue, they saw a counsellor, a
good Muslim counsellor, and they've been able to
get some control, alhamdulillah.
Very important.
Because some of our children may have this
issue.
Anybody, it's good to know this.
Even if it doesn't, it's not for us.
Why I usually tell people who cry easily
is don't waste your tears.
Usqoz zahir madkab.
Cry, no problem.
But channel it.
So every time you feel let down and
you want to cry, no problem.
Get a translation of the Quran.
Keep a translation of the Quran.
Open it and start reading it with meaning
and pondering over it.
And you'll find lots of places to cry.
But that crying will be valuable.
You're no longer crying for yourself, you're crying
for something else, but you're still releasing your
emotion.
Number two, if you don't have that access
to the Quran then, no problem.
Raise your hands to Allah.
Go in a room, raise your hands to
Allah and cry all you want.
That crying will be beneficial.
Otherwise you're just going to cry for free
and you're not going to get anything.
People are not going to feel sorry for
you, they're just going to feel that you're
a miserable person.
So you understand where we're going with this.
Right, that's number two.
Let's go number three.
What's number three?
Another one which nobody mentioned here is stinginess.
Is stinginess an issue in a relationship?
Is stinginess an issue in a relationship?
Do you think that would spoil a relationship
if one person is stingy?
Well it depends.
If the wife is stingy, I think that's
alright.
Is that okay?
If the wife is stingy then it's okay,
then she won't spend the men's money.
Then you don't have to worry about it.
A lot of people have problems that the
wife is spending too much.
One guy is telling me that he asks
his wife for itemized bill every month.
Where did you spend everything?
So if the wife is stingy, it's not
an issue.
At least in most cases.
Because the man is the one who is
in Islam.
The man is the one who is supposed
to provide.
الرجال قوامون على النساء بما فضل الله بعضهم
على بعضهم وبما أنفقوا من أولهم Because of
what they spend.
I'll give you a مسألة You know what
a مسألة is?
A thicky ruling.
Is that if my children 1, 2, 3,
4 5 years old even, have their own
money.
Their own money from ED gifts, some other
gifts from inheritance or whatever.
I can literally spend that money on them
for looking after them.
Not charge a fee but I can spend
that on their food.
I can use that money.
I don't have to use my money.
The clothing we buy, I can take it
from their money.
I can charge them for that portion of
electricity that they're using for their room.
It's getting a bit, but technically I'm just
giving you a مسألة.
Don't do that.
Because if the child has his own money
the father is only responsible to add anything
extra that's required for his survival.
To a moderate, decent degree.
You understand that, what I'm saying?
That means that you know the child benefit
money that the government provides?
That actually is to the parents to spend
on the family because they have a family
and when you have a family then you
need more income.
It's not for the child directly.
We've written a whole fatwa on our fatwa
center.
A lot of people they're like I can't
spend this child benefit money.
You can.
You can spend it because aren't you spending
on your children already from your own income?
So it's all the same thing.
The only time it's probably wrong is if
you spent nothing and neglected your children and
starved them and you were taking the family
and you were taking the what do you
call it, the child benefit.
Otherwise that child benefit is not for the
children.
They used to have in England, they used
to have that child fund what do you
call it?
Child trust fund where they gave the money
for the child.
That was not for the parents.
That's different.
There's a lot of people that are like
child benefit money, of course you can spend
it.
Aren't you spending on your children?
However, what I want to tell you is
this.
Even if you're a working class person, you're
making 30,000 a year maybe and your
wife is a millionaire you still have to
spend on her.
She's not required to put a penny into
the house for the normal food, living shelter,
food and clothing.
It's still the man's responsibility.
And how much?
It depends on the average family lifestyle of
the wife's family and yours.
This is a very specific For example, if
I get a wife who usually their family
shops at Primark or George Asda then I'm
not obliged to spend and buy clothing from
from where?
Harvey Nichols or Harrods or Selfridges or something
like that.
However, if I get a wife whose family
MashaAllah, stand from Harvey Nichols and Harrods I
can't even think of all of these things
Louis Vuitton and all of this stuff then
you're going to have to match that somehow.
If you're going to get an elephant as
a pet then you have to feed it,
right?
This has got nothing to do with it.
It's just an example to understand that if
you buy a 5 litre engine car and
you're complaining about petrol prices, you're silly.
Why did you get a 5 litre massive
car like that for?
You can't deal with it.
You have to fulfil the rights.
This is the benefit of the sisters.
I'm not saying something against the sisters.
I'm actually saying you better spend on it.
I had a case where a woman called
me.
A sister called me.
My husband is really stingy.
I said, what do you mean?
She said, we have such old furniture in
the house.
We have such old furniture in the house,
it's just about surviving.
The doors and that, it's just about surviving.
So now somebody could exaggerate.
I said, let me talk to your husband.
So I spoke to the husband.
I said, what's going on?
Because he's making some money.
But he just doesn't like spending on this
stuff.
So what's getting good?
Well, it works.
You can put your clothes in there.
It works.
You know, it's probably a creaky door or
something.
I don't know.
I can't imagine.
Because I didn't tell him to do a
video call.
I should have asked him to look at
it.
But he's saying that.
So then another complaint of hers was that
I want organic milk.
Because she got into the whole health thing.
So I can't have, I don't want normal
milk.
I want organic milk.
Because once you get into the whole organic
thing, then you don't feel like having elsewhere.
You know?
Now, I said, well, I'm going to have
to sort this out somehow.
So I asked the guy.
I said, look, you're going to have to
give her something.
Right?
There has to be some benefit of this
call.
So I said, how much milk do you
guys use a week?
So he said, okay, this many litres a
week.
We made his up and made some accounts.
It was only going to cost them 60
to 100 pound a year extra to get
organic milk instead of normal milk.
I said, please, man, come on.
There you go.
Right?
SubhanAllah, I mean, we Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala has said that you have brought the
women to your house.
They make more sacrifices.
Because they move usually from their family's home
to the husband's home.
Usually that's the case in a traditional household.
Right?
There's a lot of things they give up.
Of course, they've got their own side to
fulfil.
But the man is responsible.
Yes.
If there's a luxury product she wants, she
can pay for it.
She wants extra holidays, pay for it.
No problem.
I have not got my wife to pay
for anything ever in my whole married life.
If she wants to buy me a gift,
Bismillah, absolutely no problem.
But household, it's unmanly to do that.
And I've got cases where a woman called
me, she said, you know, I wear niqab
and everything.
My husband is a very religious man, but
he's telling me to go and get a
job because he can't find a job where
there's just a male environment.
So he wants me to go and get
a job.
I said, this is completely wrong.
The guy's going to sit home all day
and watch * or something.
Right?
He doesn't want to go and get a
job.
La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah.
The man is a man.
That masculinity has to continue.
Otherwise, this is a massive problem that men
aren't acting like men anymore.
We have to feel proud to take care
of our women.
So that was the stinginess issue.
We can't be stingy.
It's a sadaqa to spend on your family.
Do you know that?
For me to buy something to make my
children and my wife happy, it's a sadaqa.
I get a reward for it.
Unless I go overboard.
If I go overboard and I buy extra
stuff and indulge them like crazy, then that's
israf.
That's otherwise, it's rewarding to spend on Allah.
Allah has made it rewarding.
There's some amazing things in the sharia.
When was the last time any of you,
any of us here, because I'm talking to
the men, I'm talking to the women, but
the men are in front of me, so
I can ask you questions, right?
When was the last time any of us
put something, fed our wives, if we're married,
with our hands, like put something in their
mouth?
When was the last time?
Huh?
Mawlana Hamza, when did you do it?
Recently.
About a few weeks ago.
Oh, even more.
MashaAllah, a few days ago.
Before you came.
Alhamdulillah.
Ulema know these things, so they capitalize on
them.
Again, I did it about three weeks ago.
It's not like, you know, they're just like,
okay, here you go.
I make my wife's tea every day.
Twice a day.
It's my way of showing I do a
bit, at least.
You understand?
It's easy to make tea if she has
English tea.
It's easy to do that.
Come on, you know.
If I want Indian tea, then I tell
her to do it sometimes.
There's a little bit of contribution.
You have to do something.
You understand what I'm saying?
So, that's the masalah there.
Now let's move on to something else.
There's a lot of issues.
If a guy is into his football, for
example.
So, every evening he has to go to
play.
Or he's into his friends.
When you get married, you're going to have
to now give up some of this for
a while and sacrifice some of this.
To make an investment in this new and
develop that new relationship.
You have to develop that new relationship.
Otherwise, what's going to happen is that it's
just like you're still a bachelor.
And it doesn't work that way.
We have cases where there's guys who are
still out with their friends.
The wife has waited with the food.
It's gone cold and she's gone to sleep
there without eating, waiting for him.
And he comes at 1 o'clock at
night.
That's kind of crazy.
But then there's also cases where husband and
wife from similar areas, she's always at her
mom's house.
That's also an issue.
You get married and she's still at her
mom's house.
She just about comes home and quickly tries
to cook something.
Again, this is a new family.
This is a new thing you have to
do.
So that's why one has to be, I'm
speaking very openly, just so that we know
what's right and wrong.
And if we have issues, we need to
sort them out.
There's issues from both sides.
We need to try to handle these issues.
In fact, nothing is justified.
For example, as scholars, if I'm really a
dedicated scholar and all I'm doing is teaching
people all day long and studying and I'm
neglecting my wife and she's waiting for me.
I give her no time.
That's wrong.
Even though I'm doing a good thing.
I might be sitting in the masjid all
day.
I might be sitting in the masjid all
day and teaching people and doing also.
You don't do that, right?
So that's also wrong because I have to
invest in the family.
In Umar's time, there was a man who
came.
No, a woman who came.
To Umar.
She made a complaint.
Well, she made a complaint.
She said that my husband, he is so
pious, he is so righteous, he does so
much worship that his worship keeps him away
from the bed every night.
Umar said, MashaAllah.
He does so much worship.
There was a one of his associates near
him.
He said, Ya Amirul Momineen, she's not praising
her husband.
She's actually complaining about her husband.
But she couldn't say openly that he never
comes to bed, never has a relationship because
he's always MashaAllah.
So then Umar then said, okay.
He understood now.
He said, okay, fine.
Since you understood the case, you're going to
deal with this case.
So then he said, okay, call the husband.
You have to listen to both sides.
Call the husband.
And the husband came and he said, he
was a poet as well.
He started saying, yes, my love for Allah
is so much and I do so much
worship and that keeps me away from my
bed and all of that kind of stuff.
So then she responded.
She said, don't be deceived by his worship
and so on.
He should fulfill his rights and so on.
So then this person's judgment was that, okay,
I'm going to let you do your worship
at night for three days.
Three nights.
But every fourth night you need to be
with your wife.
You can't be doing worship every night.
You can't be on YouTube and Netflix all
night.
What's Netflix got to do with worship?
Because most people aren't doing worship at night
anymore.
They're watching Netflix for days into the night
or they're watching other stuff.
And the wife is in bed waiting already
and he's on a laptop in another room.
That's what's happening now, unfortunately.
Allah ta'ala help us.
Protect us.
So he said, look, you're allowed to be
with your lord and worship for three nights
but every fourth night you need to go
there.
Somebody asked him, where did you get this
judgment from?
What's the basis of your judgment?
He said, look, because in those days this
was casual to have four wives.
At this time he had one wife.
He said, if he had four wives, then
that one wife would have only got him
every four nights anyway.
So since he's sacrificed three wives, he can
stay with Allah for that.
And for every fourth night he should be
with his wife.
Oh, masha'Allah.
That's wonderful.
That doesn't work with Netflix, okay, three nights.
That doesn't work with that.
It's all about creating that balance and putting
an investment in.
Anything that we're doing over the top, that
means if you're an Uber driver, and Uber
is one of those jobs where you can
make lots of money, but you just have
to put lots of time in there.
Do you think you can do 16 hours
and just come home and sleep?
I've had cases where literally the mum is
saying, the mother is saying, my husband goes
to work and since he works at night,
he has to sleep in the daytime.
But we can't make any noise.
The children can't make any noise.
They hardly see their father.
Allah Ta'ala relieved their situation.
But what a house to live in where
the kids can't even be children because he's
sleeping and he never gets to see them.
It's a choice.
Some people, they're majboor.
Some people, they're forced.
Allah Ta'ala helped them to get a
better understanding.
I was the head of a madrasa, maktab
once, and we had some children who were
very difficult.
We had to force the father to come
in.
He said, you know, I'm really sorry, but
I don't have time with them and all
of that.
So we have to create this environment.
So anyway, that was, you can now understand
that let us first be honest with ourselves.
Let us decide what is our issue.
Do we have issues?
That's going to cause a problem.
And a simple way of testing this out
is that right now, what is causing issues?
I need to sort it out.
Inshallah, if we can sort it out, our
marriages will prosper.
We'll enhance ourselves.
The benefit is that our children will inshallah
be in a more stable environment.
They will benefit from that.
They won't do something similar when they become
Muslim wives.
I'm not worried about just my children and
grandchildren.
I'm actually worried about my great, great, great,
great grandchildren, who I will never see probably,
except on the Day of Judgment.
Because, uncle, how many, you have grandchildren?
Inshallah.
How many?
About ten, five, ten?
Fourteen.
Fourteen.
Inshallah.
Alhamdulillah.
Allah bless them all, protect them all.
Right?
The fourteen, right?
Me and you, we're going to be gone
from this world.
There's no stopping the fourteen.
They're going to have children, fourteen of them.
Inshallah.
They're going to have children, grandchildren, and there's
going to be a whole army soon.
Right?
We're going to be gone from this world.
Interestingly, all of those fourteen, and everybody who
comes from them, they're all yours.
They're not your brothers or your sisters.
They are yours.
And they're just going to multiply.
I need to set up an environment in
my house, from now, that inshallah, it helps
all of them.
You know, I say this because I travel
a lot and I suddenly meet somebody who's
just, they're just special.
They stand out.
When I find out more, I find out
that there was somebody out there, one or
two generations, three generations up, that left something,
some kind of tarbiyah, some kind of nurturing
that has come down and mashallah, it's still
here.
Let us stop being selfish about just me.
It's about what environment I need to create
for my great-grandchildren.
I'm worried that is the deen going to
stay?
The deen, the sunnah, the risalah, is going
to stay in my great-grandchildren?
I don't want to come up on the
Day of Judgement and you find one of
your grandchildren lost, I'd rather that they've done
something.
I've got a friend, he's quite wealthy and
he's quite influential but very religious mashallah.
He has made a waqf.
You know what a waqf is?
A waqf is an endowment.
He's got income generation and he is he
has selected certain ways that that money from
there will be assisting the Muslim community.
He's written a deed of how that's going
to be run.
He wants his children and descendants to run
that waqf after he dies.
He's gone so far that he's also prepared
a book of adhkar of some adhkar and
du'as that anybody from his descendants, if
they're going to work for that waqf and
run it, they have to do it in
zikr every day.
Look how far the guy is thinking.
And all we're worried about is just how
well my house looks right now or how
good of a car I've got or what
holidays we can take.
Do all of those things but the purpose
must be we've got a responsibility.
Sort out our marriages so that our children
are sorted out.
They say that if there's one thing which
will help to keep our children stable is
a happy marriage.
So the most important people in a family
are the husband and wife because they provide
all the energy to the children otherwise you
get the wrong vibes.
I saw an interview once with a woman
who was brought up by two women.
Two mums, not like two wives of one
man but two mums.
You know the modern style that two women
live together This is the modern style not
the Islamic style, it's the modern style.
And she said look they were both good
people but I don't get the father vibe.
I didn't get that.
That I miss.
Allah has created it in a way that
a child needs both the father and mother.
A father can't provide both and a mother
can't provide both.
So that's why we have to be involved
and do our part.
I'm not saying that men should now start
changing nappies.
That's not what I'm saying.
But there are responsibilities that only come, that
there are things that only come from the
father and things that come from the mother
because that's the male and female dynamics that
have to play there.
Okay, a few more things and then I'll
open it up to questions.
How many of you have a love bank
balance?
A love bank account?
A love bank, never heard of it?
You don't get it in Bristol?
I thought this was like international.
Have you guys heard of Starling and Bonzo
and that stuff?
You've heard of those?
What's their love bank account now?
Anybody?
Actually this is in my book.
So those who've read the book should know
the love bank balance now.
Maybe you didn't read that section.
Is it a joint account?
Definitely a joint account.
Definitely a joint account.
It's a joint account.
It can only be a joint account.
Love bank accounts can only be joint accounts.
I'll give us one minute.
Okay, what is a love bank account?
Love bank account is this.
Let's just say that on a Sunday I
wake up quickly and I say to my
wife, I'm going to make breakfast today.
Or I tell her on Sunday, you go
to that class I'll look after the children.
Or you go out and or you call
your friends and you have a good time,
you know, when you do so much work
and I'll look after the children.
I'll take them out somewhere.
How is she going to feel?
She's going to think, mashallah.
Or I bought her some flowers, special flowers.
I bought her some special chocolates or some
meat pies.
That's what she likes.
Or the wife, as soon as you come
back home it's not normal, she just like
helps you out, relaxes you, does something extra
for you.
You're going to feel that mashallah she's done
over and above what is the norm.
When you go over and beyond the norm.
When you do something, it's going to create
a balance in the heart.
That this guy did this.
Now let's just say next day, you had
a little issue, a little misunderstanding or something.
When you have a misunderstanding, what shaitan does
what does shaitan do?
He tries to create a bigger issue, or
he must hate me.
She must hate my guts or something like
that.
And he just makes it feel worse.
But then when you remember, no but yesterday
he bought me flowers.
Yesterday she did this.
You understand what I'm saying?
It's going to say no, no, no.
It's not that bad.
It'll be an antidote to that.
So it's to deposit into the love balance,
we must keep doing it.
Regularly.
Every now and then.
You can't just do it once and then
think it's going to last forever.
It's like, are there any dentists here?
Where's the dentist?
You have a dentist?
Where's the dentist?
Okay.
Now I'm going to ask you a fatwa.
If I'm so busy the whole week, can
I just on Sunday do 20 minutes of
brushing, so I don't have to do two
minutes every day?
Is that okay?
No?
Haram, right?
It's bad for your teeth, that is, yeah.
So you can't just, it's like a bit
every day, like twice a day, right?
That's what you have to do.
But in the love bank, you just have
to do over and beyond the expectation.
So then the other person feels good.
A lot of people ask me, what are
the rights of marriage?
In my book, I don't have a section
about rights of marriage.
Because that's, it's like saying, namaaz ke faraiz
kitne hai?
What are the faraiz of namaaz?
The faraiz of namaaz, Allahu Akbar, some standing
up, doing some kira, like Alhamdulillah Rabbil Alameen,
that much is enough.
Doing a ruku with no tasbeeh, going into
sujood twice, reading nothing, and then sitting down
for a bit and namaaz walking.
What kind of namaaz is that?
Does that look nice?
There's all the other stuff.
That's why if you're just trying to fulfil
the basics in a marriage, you're wasting your
time.
Marriage is a lot more than that.
The other thing is, sometimes you have to
stay in a marriage, even though it's not
the perfect marriage.
Because it's a building that you have made
for your children.
And your children are going to impact it
if you keep divorcing.
Or if you don't get it right.
So you just have to do your best
to make it as good as possible.
And mashallah, everybody, and I found this extremely
beneficial, that ulama say that if you read
this verse 74 of surah al-furqan, verse
74 of surah al-furqan, رَبَّنَا هَبْلَنَا مِنْ
أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ
إِمَامًا They said it's a magical du'a.
If you're trying your best, and you're reading
this du'a, our Lord grants us, give
us, from our spouses, so husband can read
it for wives, and wife can read it
for husband, وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا and from our descendants, so
not just our children, but whole descendants, give
us those that will be the gladness of
our eyes.
Make my spouse and my children the joy
of my sight.
And make me the imam of the righteous
one.
So you're not asking for imamat of the
masjid, but you're asking for imamat, meaning leader,
and as a man, the men and women
are leaders in their own departments at least.
But you're asking to be leaders of righteous
ones, which means that the people around us
are going to become righteous, and we're going
to become imams.
It's like a double way, two du'as
in one.
And ulama say that if you make this
du'a, and your spouse has some issues
that bother you, either Allah will get rid
of those issues to satisfy you, or He
will diminish them in your sight so they
won't bother you anymore.
A lot of it's psychology that if you
focus on the positives, the negatives go down
in your sight.
They don't bother you anymore.
But if you focus on the negatives, you're
a negative person, then all the good is
there.
So keep doing that du'a, very powerful
du'a.
Okay, so that's where I'm going to now
open it up to questions.
And there's a lot of issues.
There's in-law issues we weren't able to
cover.
There are issues with intimacy.
A couple, they were having issues, and I
just couldn't find any reason for their problems.
Actually, small, small issues.
The problems were all small, small.
I said these can't mess up your mind
so much.
They're all surface issues.
They have to be something below that was
bubbling, but they weren't saying it.
And then I asked the question, how's the
intimacy, and then that's where it came out.
There was no intimacy.
You didn't put on the poster that no
children, right?
You didn't put on the poster that it's
Islam.
So, still we have, mashallah, so intimacy is
very important.
And the basic thing here is many people
aren't satisfying their spouse, and I'm going to
say this in veiled language because we do
have children, and it's probably going out online.
Many men can't satisfy them, but they want
their own satisfaction.
They're very selfish.
They get their own satisfaction, and they don't
satisfy their spouse, and then as it carries
on, the spouse is not willing to engage
because she just doesn't see any benefit in
it, because she doesn't get any fulfillment.
The man is just very selfishly completing himself
and not allowing the spouse to complete.
She doesn't feel the benefit in it.
Why should I keep going for showers and
washing my hair and everything, so they come
up with all these weird excuses?
Because they don't have any benefit in there.
And it's frustration.
Literally, in the last, I would say, four
months, I've had three women I couldn't believe
it.
Theirs was an extreme case where the husband
just wasn't interested.
So it's not always like that.
Most of the time, it's a case where
they don't know what to do.
Right?
They don't know what to do.
Meaning, they don't know what to do for
the other person.
They don't know what to do for themselves.
It's just very selfish.
That's why, I mean, our ulama have actually
spoken, the Prophets of Allah ﷺ spoke about
this.
In Islam, alhamdulillah, this is a very clear
issue.
Very clear issue.
That's why what's very important to understand, what
a friend of mine suggested, and I think
that's part of my book, is that the
man should make an effort to let his
wife complete twice before he completes once.
She'll be ready anytime.
Because she's getting something out of this.
So, there's a lot of frustration because of
this.
Sometimes it's the other side, sometimes it's that,
but it depends on who's creating what.
So there's lots of issues like that.
Money issues, in-law issues, intimacy issues, and
behavior issues, anger issues.
The Prophet ﷺ said, I am the best
of you to my wives, and I'm the
best in character.
You know, the Prophet ﷺ said that usually
women are married for four reasons.
Either for her wealth, for her beauty, for
her family, or for deen.
The Prophet ﷺ said, make sure that you're
successful with the deen.
That doesn't mean you ignore the others.
You can have a wife that looks good,
and that has money.
As long as that's not the focus, because
you don't get married to somebody to look
at them all day.
Marriage is a lot more than that, isn't
it?
You don't bring a wife to just look
at them and put them in the front
room on a stage.
Likewise, you don't get married to a man
just because he's got lots of money.
I'm not marrying you for your money.
I don't care about anything else.
You don't do that because that's not a
relationship.
You need a package of qualities.
You need a package of qualities.
Now, what's...
You know when the Prophet ﷺ said that,
make sure you get the deen-y person.
What does he mean by the deen here?
Tell me.
What do you mean by deen?
What aspect of the deen?
That he prays a lot?
Is that what he's encouraging?
That he fasts a lot?
He's encouraging.
What aspect of the deen is related to
marriage?
The character.
Not to say ignore the namaz, but the
main thing is, look at the character.
On one occasion, the Prophet ﷺ, a woman
came and said, look, I've got three proposals
from one, two, and three people.
The Prophet ﷺ gave an assessment of all
of them.
He said, this guy, he doesn't remove his
rod from his shoulder, which means that he
probably beats too much or something.
Another one, he is su'lukun la ma
'ala.
He's got no money, so he's not going
to keep you happy.
Right?
And then he talked about the third person.
So, akhlaaq and character are the part of
the deen that is the most important element
for relationship.
So, that all ties into the first part
of our talk.
So, alhamdulillah, that's the few points I wanted
to make to give us food for thought.
Now, we'll leave it to you to see
what you're asking about.
You've already got questions.
Okay, there's a lot of questions.
Ya Allah.
There's always a lot of questions.
You asked the congregation, is anyone was angry
at home today?
Was anybody angry at home?
Why?
I'll give us a screen.
Inshallah, they're not going to be angry anymore,
inshallah.
Alhamdulillah, but they're going to have to get
some help.
So, either look at the verses or whatever,
try to prepare, take an anger management course,
take it for private, don't tell anybody.
We just, I need to sort this out.
We need to sort it out.
Okay, let's start now.
I want, if you can just finish so
that they disappear from you once I've answered
them.
If you can do that.
I want to get married, but I'm worried
about its impact on my finances.
Could you please advise me?
Okay, let me tell you something.
I can't answer such general questions.
This requires a lot more information.
How much are you making?
What exactly is your issue?
That's too broad a question.
I can't spend the next half an hour
explaining all the possibilities.
So, any question that you ask, make it
specific with as much detail as possible so
I get the big picture.
This is talking about, I'm worried about impact
on my finances.
What does that even mean?
Do you understand what I'm saying?
So, I would say that you have to
find out, you have to, as a man,
you do need to check how much money
that you're going to make, or that you're
going to need to spend.
So, ask a few different people, how much
money do I need to spend?
Do I have a place to stay?
And then, try to find a wife that
understands your situation, that you're not a millionaire.
You know, you don't make a hundred thousand
a month, a year or something.
And then, try to go by that.
But that's the basic answer.
But give me more details.
Are there any Islamic anger management courses?
Perhaps we could do a session at this
masjid.
I don't know, I haven't looked for any.
But, alhamdulillah, you could check if there is.
All you have to do is you just
get a Muslim counsellor, and tell him, we
need it specifically on anger.
Because anger is a science now.
And they'll be able to give that issue.
But that will just be a lecture.
That will just be a seminar.
That won't be a personal one-to-one.
That you'll just learn generally.
You could see them online.
You could do that in the future, I'm
sure.
There's lots of anger management issues online.
But, if that helps you, alhamdulillah, that's for
free.
But then, if that doesn't work for you,
then ask somebody.
Because they ask you questions.
Do you have a trauma?
Do you have anger about something?
For example, some people have anger because they
miss things earlier on in life.
So they have to have all of that
unravelled in their brain.
So a seminar would be helpful, but it
may not be fully beneficial to completely relieve
your issue.
What other courses, aside from anger courses, would
you recommend?
Look, if you're stressed all the time, I
found, sorry, if you're stressed, that there's a
lot of science there.
I don't know what your issues are.
Alhamdulillah, now, good or bad, online you can
find so much material for free.
First, before you even pay for it.
MashaAllah, there's lots of good expertise out there
for Muslims and non-Muslims.
So, benefit from that first.
What is your advice on living with parents?
If not, then where do you go?
Again, that's too general a question.
Be a bit more specific.
What do you mean?
Look, if you can live with your parents,
there's enough space in the house, alhamdulillah.
Your parents are dealing with yours, if this
is a man, and your parents are dealing
with your wife properly, then bahut accha.
You'll save a lot of money.
And you can then get your own house
and later relax.
But if it's not working, then you're probably
better off living close enough so that you
can have a separate what you call existence,
a separate unit, but you're also assisting your
parents.
And parents, if they want to keep their
children with them, they have to give sacrifices
as well.
They have to change their behaviour.
What it used to be like before.
You see, before, 15 years ago and before,
a woman, their job was very simple.
Get married, clean up, clean up and cook,
bring up children, and just go and do
panjat with the neighbours.
Do you know what panjat means?
Where is panjat?
You don't know.
Pehle kya kaam tha?
Hum samosa banayenge, khana pakarenge, ghar saath karenge,
aur bachcho ko, you know, we're going to
look after the children, and we have lots
of free time.
We're just going to be gossiping with the
neighbours.
That's how you pass your time.
Now, when I go to university to give
a talk, usually two-thirds are Muslim women.
They're all becoming educated.
They want to have their own decisions in
life.
Whether good or bad is another issue.
So, that's why it's very...
the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship
is a tough one.
And we can't expect the daughter-in-law
to make all the changes.
The mother-in-law has to make a
change as well.
If they want to happily keep them together,
they're going to have to really be careful.
We have issues, so if you ask the
mother-in-law, why do you act like
that with your daughter-in-law?
Why are you so ruthless and so angry
with her and so unkind and everything?
Because my mother-in-law did that as
well.
Okay, go to her mother-in-law, aapne
aisa kyu kiya tha?
Because my mother-in-law did that.
Go to her grave, because she's probably dead
now, aapne aisa kyu kiya tha?
Because my mother-in-law did that.
Well, Hawa a.s. didn't do that.
It started somewhere else.
So now you stop it.
Why are you carrying on like that?
You stop it.
Otherwise, they're going to be miserable.
Aapne aisa kya khidmat ho geeta?
Then it's going to be an abusive relationship.
That's why I think it's a good idea
to at least have one of the children
in the house with their wife and daughter
-in-law, but for that, parents have to
give sacrifices as well.
So I would encourage anybody who can give
their parents grants, but if it doesn't work
and it's becoming toxic, then your responsibility is
to your wife first, before your father.
There's a masalah, Mawlana Sheikh Haqqani and others
have written about it, that if you've got
just enough money, or just enough food, to
feed either your parents or your children, who
should you feed first?
Tell me.
Parents or children, raise your hands.
Parents, who says parents?
Only one person.
Good, mashaAllah.
Nobody else.
Who says children?
Well, the others don't know.
You should be willing to get it wrong,
but you should be willing to interact, otherwise
you're boring.
What he says is that your responsibility is
now to your children.
Can you believe that?
Not to say you're neglecting, it's just one
of those kind of critical issues we're talking
about.
You do the best for both, but that
is your responsibility, because they're dependent on you.
Whereas with your parents, they might have somebody
else as well, but your children are dependent
on you.
That's why I'm saying that it's a big
thing we have to do.
What advice do you have for a couple
living within those with different understanding of boundaries?
Again, I don't know which boundaries you're talking
about.
Come and answer your question.
Tell me what are the issues, what are
the exact boundary issues that you're having?
What kind of boundaries are we talking about?
You can't go out at night, you can't
use the toilet, or the shower only, you
can only use it once every three days.
You know, there's a case where somebody got
married, brought his wife home, and the one
shower in the house is next door to
the in-laws' room.
And you know, when you're newly married, shower
is the other number.
They complain, they use so much water.
You know, there's some crazy issues we deal
with.
What do you do, man?
He's like, why do you have to have
shower in the shower?
I just got married.
Don't you remember when you got married 30
years ago?
I don't know.
I don't know what happens.
What if one person is keen to improve
the relationship and the other isn't?
How do we solve this?
Again, I don't know.
It just depends on what the issue with
the relationship is.
But usually, I can answer a general question,
a general answer here.
Is that you do your best.
Right?
Again, I don't know.
You see, it's such a nuanced issue.
What is the issue that you have an
issue with anyway?
What is the problem?
You're going to do your best.
If you can't help, then you're going to
have to get somebody else involved.
Get one of the other side's family members
involved.
Then you're going to tell me he doesn't
listen to anybody.
Then that means you're dealing with a narcissist
who always thinks he's right.
Is there anybody here who always thinks they're
right?
Who's always right usually?
Is anybody here?
Who's usually always right?
Because I'm looking for somebody like that.
Look, there's people who are going to be
mostly right.
Like, if you're really a good BMW mechanic,
you're most likely going to be right most
of the time.
But you won't always be right.
Because there's always somebody more knowledgeable than us.
And when a person thinks they're always right
and they never get much better from the
other person they're living with, that relationship becomes
really, really, really messed up.
So it depends on what the issue is.
That's why I'm saying be very particular in
what you're saying.
Because that's how you can be more helpful
like that.
My partner sometimes does not want to have
*.
Can you advise on how to approach this?
I don't know if you're a man or
a woman.
Come on, at least say what it is.
My husband.
Why my partner?
I don't know who your partner is.
What's wrong with you guys, man?
Ask questions specifically.
It's useful to know if it's the husband
or the wife, isn't it?
Okay.
Anyway, I'll try to answer the question.
First, have a talk with them.
Why is it an issue?
What's the issue?
How can I help?
Do you have a psychological problem?
Is there something you don't like from me?
Something that puts you off?
That's communication.
Somebody mentioned it.
This is where communication comes in.
Communicate.
Find out what the issue is.
If you can't talk to them, then write
to them.
Can you believe that?
Write to them.
Your spouse.
Write to them.
Because sometimes people can't speak to them because
they get angry or defensive or they're not
willing to interact.
So you write them an email or a
message.
Or physically a letter.
And say, look, read it.
Read it.
Relax.
If they see that, inshallah.
And if that doesn't happen, and it's becoming
an issue, you're going to have to get
somebody else involved.
To try to help the situation.
With lots of lies.
That's the basic answer here.
How important is it to give compliments to
each other during marriage?
Especially the importance of husband praising the wife.
Look, it's definitely very beneficial to give compliments.
However, I'll warn you that if you become
an over-complimenter where everything is amazing, then
they're obviously going to find out that everything
isn't amazing.
And they're not going to trust you.
So give compliments when it's due.
For sure.
Don't ignore that.
Find things to give compliments for.
There are some people that just don't compliment
anything because they think it's a sign of
weakness.
It is not.
It's a sign of gratitude.
It's a shakirana thing to do.
It's a maqam of shukr to be grateful
to somebody.
Especially if they do things well.
Because not everybody does things well.
We should.
And if Allah is saying لَإِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ
that if you're thankful, which means you show
gratitude, I'll give you more.
Then you think a human won't give you
more when you show gratitude?
Humans love thanks and praise.
And they're willing to get more praise.
They're willing to give you more to get
more praise.
So, anybody who doesn't praise their spouse is
silly.
They're missing something.
And especially with our women.
One thing that you have to praise of
your women, if it's correct, obviously, or you
have to find something that is correct, is
especially how they look.
Especially if they're religious.
Because they are sacrificing a lot not to
be open outside and display their finery.
We're going to have to compliment them so
at least they feel complimented.
Because women love compliments.
More than probably men, but everybody does.
So, find things to, especially as they're getting
mashaAllah you look wonderful, they're going to want
to look even more wonderful for you then.
Why not?
It benefits you.
Consider it a selfish act if you want
to.
At least do it so the other person,
and you get reward for complimenting somebody because
you're making them feel good, inshaAllah.
Don't overdo it and don't do it falsely.
Because a husband and wife relationship is so
close that they understand when you overdo something
or you're just making up something.
A guy, he told me one day, he
said, I bought my wife flowers and she
got angry.
I said, why?
He said, because she's into her flowers.
He knows her flowers and I bought some
really boring ones.
Now if you listen to this, every Friday
you're going to buy the same old flowers
and you're giving it to her, she's eventually
going to get upset by it.
Bring something different.
Because when you give a gift to somebody,
there's an element of care and consideration that
goes into it.
So you do have to be careful.
So be careful with the flowers.
Okay, please touch upon the importance of looking
good for your spouse.
A lot of couples stop making an effort
to each other after marriage.
Yes, you're right.
That is something that, and especially women should,
because it's a sexualized world we're living in.
You go outside and everybody's just hyper-sexualized
the way attractive, making themselves look like that.
So that's why at home, in fact we
had Sahaba who said, I have somebody, who
was it, Abdullah ibn Omar or Abdullah ibn
Abbas, I forget who exactly, but there's at
least two or three Sahaba saying, why do
you wear this nice clothing?
He said, I've got multiple wives.
If I don't adorn myself, they're not going
to find me interesting, essentially.
So it is important.
Also, what is a healthy way to react
if in-laws overstepping boundaries causes marriage with
problems on the verge of divorce?
Again, I don't know what the issues are.
What is the overstepping of the boundaries?
Please be a bit more specific.
You're anonymous anyway, so why are you being
stingy with words?
I don't know what your issues are.
Everything has a different issue.
Are they not letting you go out?
Are they interfering too much?
Are they curbing your rights?
Are they making you do too much work?
What's the issue?
What are the rights?
What are the issues?
Tell me, then I can maybe try to
help.
Inshallah.
Boundaries.
Expecting consultation from in-laws before making decisions
that mainly affect the couple.
Disregarding couple's requests regarding grandchildren or regarding sugar.
Yeah, this is an issue where maybe the
parents now want to be healthy and particular
about timing and all sorts.
And the grandpa is like, let them do
it and they spoil them.
That's a very difficult one.
I don't have a 100% response to
that.
That's a very difficult one.
What I would suggest is you speak very
nicely.
Get a gift for your parents first.
And then you say to them that, look,
this is the issue.
Please, this is the harms of it.
No, no, no, no.
Please, please.
And try to sort it out.
And if that doesn't work and it's getting
to the level where it's getting really bad,
then the husband might need to be bold
enough to literally move somewhere else.
Do you know that in our Sharia, the
Hanafi Madhab, the wife is actually entitled to
a separate facility of her own where nobody
comes.
That means a room to live in, toilets,
bathroom, and a place to cook, where nobody
can come.
Now that doesn't have to be completely separate.
If you've got a large house, you don't
have enough money to buy something, you can
make an apartment enclosed, nobody comes.
As long as you don't have to bother
with anybody, that's the responsibility.
That's the responsibility of the husband to provide
for her.
So if it's becoming that toxic, you need
to do something about it.
But try to make it work.
Because you'd rather be with your parents if
you can be.
But as I said, the parents need to
calm down now.
On the topic of stinginess, how does a
husband balance leisurely spending on his wife's family
versus wanting to save on the future like
a home?
Again, I don't know.
It just depends on how much money you
make.
It depends on how much you want to
save.
So what I would say is that if
you want to buy a house, then you
have to tell your family that I would
like to spend more, but we can't do
all of these luxury trips because otherwise we
can't buy a house.
So you have to get a buy-in
from them.
You have to convince everybody.
You have to get everybody on the same
page.
Now, if your family is, we don't care
about a house, well, then that's up to
you.
I don't know what to do in that
case.
No, no, no, we just want holidays.
I don't want a house.
I don't mind paying rent.
City.
But hopefully they'll understand.
So again, communication is very important to try
to bring everybody on the same page.
It's very important, by the way, for the
husband and wife to be on the same
page.
Otherwise the children will manipulate each against the
other.
Like the husband is permissive and the wife
is strict.
Or the other way around, then children will
know exactly what to do and then it'll
play out in the children.
Husband and wife should sort their relationship out
and be on the same page and agree
on things.
Like, okay, fine, I disagree, but we'll go
with this.
Sometimes anger and stinginess come after marriage.
Post-kids are sort of, what helps them?
Men are reluctant for the therapy.
I can't say all men are.
I mean, don't generalize.
All men aren't reluctant.
I'm sure there's men who, there's women who
are reluctant.
So, people are reluctant.
Yes, I understand that.
But hopefully they'll listen to this bayan and
want to go to therapy, inshaAllah.
Make them listen to this bayan.
Or another bayan.
How do you navigate the challenges of co
-parenting when divorced?
That's a difficult one.
Because, again, it's a difficult one.
Because if husband and wife, sorry, ex-husband
and wife, if they both want the best
for their children and they're divorced, but the
animosity isn't there and they're willing to just
cooperate, then that's how they should do it.
But unfortunately, what happens is you get the
malicious mother syndrome or malicious father syndrome, where
they're trying to put the other one down
all the time.
So they make it difficult.
So the child, bichara, is like a yo
-yo.
He doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't know what to think.
In fact, some of them, what they do
is they poison the child against the other
person.
That's very dangerous.
I know about ten people where the husbands
haven't seen their kids for years because the
mother has poisoned the child against the husband.
Against the father.
They become adults.
And then they find out the truth afterwards.
They will find the truth.
If you do that, your child is probably
going to have a messed up marriage afterwards.
Allah prevent it.
Why?
They found that many guys are looking for...
What happens in a case like this is
if the single mother has brought up her
child with animosity towards his father, it's going
to make it seem like the son is
going to feel like he has to look
after her.
So he's going to have a savior syndrome,
they call it.
He's then going to be looking for a
woman to marry who's abused that he can
try to save because he feels like a
savior.
It's a bit complex, but it creates lots
of issues.
So I'm going to advise couples who have
broken up, okay, you've broken up.
Allah says, وَإِن يَدَ فَرَّقَ يُؤْمِنِ اللَّهُ كُلَّ
مِن سَعَاتِهِ If they separate, Allah will enrich
each of them from His vastness.
So trust in Allah.
Be open-hearted for your children.
You might hate the husband, but if he's
good for the child, then let him be.
Unless he's an abuser, then that's a different
issue.
So that's my general advice.
When looking for a spouse, would you approach
somebody who may be divorced, widowed, or have
children any differently to someone who's never married?
Obviously.
Because they're completely different situations, right?
Somebody divorced may come with a lot of
baggage.
Not to say that they might, you know,
because they've got an experience already, so they
might be very particular, they might have trauma.
You have to figure these things out to
see if there's any trauma.
Otherwise, there's going to be a constant comparison.
But that doesn't mean that you're only married
to them.
Alhamdulillah, if you're a better person than their
ex, they're going to love you.
Because they're going to see the improvement.
So there's lots of variations in that, but
yes, there would be a slight difference.
But again, with somebody who's never been married
before, she doesn't know what to do, or
he doesn't know what to do.
So everybody's unique, whether they've been married or
not.
But there are additional dynamics that you have
to worry about.
Now what they are, it just depends on
what the situation is.
Okay, I'm just trying to quickly go through
them.
How do you manage parents that are traditional
and see spending time with wife or treating
her as a threat, and say, you never
did that for us?
You see, the husband's responsibility, right, is a
very difficult one.
The husband has to be like a judge.
He has to listen from one side and
bury it.
He has to listen from the other side
and bury it.
If he gets emotionally affected by what his
mother say about his wife, or what his
wife says about his mother, he's going to
lose it.
He has to just juggle the two and
diffuse it, and just learn to say good
things to each other, and try to bring
it together.
He can actually tell his wife, you know,
my wife, I know you have issues, but
she praises your rotia.
She praises your food.
Or whatever, just to create some kind of
praise.
You're the go-between to reconcile.
Learn conflict management.
Read a book on conflict management.
There's books on that subject.
It's a difficult one.
Unfortunately, in my local culture, it's very popular
for in-laws to get toxic towards spouses.
Mother tries to break between wife and husband.
How to deal with it?
I think I've already tried to explain it.
There's some recurring questions.
I think I've already explained this, right?
Haven't I?
I think so.
I don't have the answer to everything, by
the way.
Any advice on getting over the bereavement of
one's spouse?
MashaAllah.
That's a good, unique question.
So, number one is to move on in
life.
Don't stay single.
Our religion recommends that nobody stays single.
They say that even if you've got one
day left in life, you should get married.
That's how much of a sunnah it is.
So, you're not responsible for remembering them for
the rest of your life.
The Prophet ﷺ loved * Jahanir.
She was his first wife, and they went
through a lot of tough times.
And to the other wives, he would mention
her quite a bit.
Oh, * Jahan was like this, and *
Jahan was like this.
They probably didn't mind because she was passed
away already, right?
So, you can mention that, but you have
to move on with life.
What you can do for this husband is,
or wife, whatever it is, is you can
do sadaqah jariah for them, meaning do good
deeds on their behalf.
But move on with your life and try
to find something, because everybody needs a husband
and wife.
Do you know that, where do we expect
to finally end up?
In our existence?
And Jannah.
Are there any single people in Jannah?
Recheck.
There's no single people in Jannah.
The way Jannah has been designed is that
everybody will have a spouse.
Jannah bikoo'i single adhminiyyullah.
Single adhminiyyullah.
The design of it, if you look at
the hadith, and you look at the Qur
'an, it's always ma'a azwajihina, with their
spouses, with their spouses.
There's no pleasure in paradise without Allah, because
one of them is to be with somebody.
It's been designed like that.
Allah's full design is like that.
So, even if a single person dies, he'll
probably marry a single woman that dies.
Actually, no.
You understand what I'm saying?
So, be married.
Get on with your life.
Carry on.
Of course, if you don't want, because you've
got a lot of children to look after,
that's fine.
But you can just do Isha'a l
-Thawb.
What rights do women have in marriage clause,
in the marriage contract?
I mean, I don't know.
Why should I make up stuff for you?
I mean, whatever...
I think maybe that might be related to...
I've heard of people saying that I'm not
going to have children until three years.
I don't want to feed wrong things.
So, they're saying, just let me know what
kind of clause.
They're interesting, and I can tell you if
it's valid or not.
Oh, okay.
Some men say that it's haram.
Which one?
Some men say that it's haram to have
a clause in marriage clause.
They've spelled it wrong, but that's okay.
Clause.
It's a C-L-A-U-S-E,
but it's fine.
To have clause in a marriage, for example,
you take away the rights to marry a
second wife.
You can have that clause in a marriage,
but you won't be effected.
So, the clause that anybody puts in a
marriage, shara'it, jubi, miqamit, juda'atih, only
those which are allowed in sharia will be
valid, and those that are not will just
be cancelled.
So, you can put them in, but they
won't be effected.
So, for example, if a man puts in...
or if a woman puts in there, I
will not be cooking for you.
Sorry.
I will...
What's she going to say?
I won't stay at your house.
He can demand that afterwards.
Or if the man says, or if she
says, okay, you're not allowed to take another
wife.
So, that will be a promise.
It won't be binding.
It will be a promise.
And to the best of your ability, you
can observe it, but if somebody does need
to take a second mistress, halal mistress, I
have to say that because legally, you can't
get married again, but you can have a
halal mistress.
A halal mistress is somebody who you can
really go with.
So, if he has to do that, it
will still be valid.
That's what I'm trying to say.
He's going against the promise, but, waski zaruratuh,
if he needs it, then it won't be
invalid.
Just because you put in the clause doesn't
mean that it won't work.
It'll still be done.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Whether he should do or not, that's a
different issue, but it won't be binding.
That's what I'm trying to say.
I can't relocate.
I'm a sister.
I need a man to move in with
me.
I had a man who said that he
would have to remain in London five days
a week for his work.
I don't know where you have to relocate
to.
I don't know.
So, what are you trying to say, exactly?
Where are you?
What are you trying to achieve?
And what's the dilemma?
And then I'll answer your question, because I
don't understand.
Why can't you just put it all in
one question?
The way this moves is that it juggles
the questions.
Oh, is it?
Oh, my apologies.
And only see me on weekends.
Oh, okay.
Do I have the right to fully support
me?
Some men think long-distance marriages means that
they do not need to fully support a
wife.
If I understand this question correctly, a man
is only obligated to support financially a wife
in his terms.
So, let's just say he lives in Bristol.
And this woman he's married lives somewhere else,
and she wants to stay there and be
paid expenses there.
He's not obliged to do that, unless he
agrees.
But he's not obliged by Sharia.
That's not a fundamental right.
That's a negotiated thing that they want to
do.
Yeah, if that's the case, we can do
that.
But that can change after a month.
So, he's not obliged.
What he's obliged to do is give her
a house to live in and provide food
and clothing in his house, in a comfortable,
decent place in his house.
If she wants to be somewhere else, then
it's up to them.
They can decide, but he's not obliged by
Sharia.
You understand?
I hope that's clear.
So they can negotiate, right?
But then it's how long that negotiation lasts.
So jazakallah for that.
Moving out means parents become alone.
Any real-life tips on managing this, if
this is part of the same question?
Then find somebody close by then.
Don't find somebody in another town.
Like, if you want what they call this
a misyar marriage, if this is a woman,
right, where she might be divorced, or she
might have husband die, so she wants a
partner, but she doesn't want to give full
time, because she's got children and she's got
some other thing to look after.
Fine.
You can get married to somebody who's close
by so that you can move.
To get married to somebody in another town
would be very difficult, as if they're far
away.
Because you won't be able to...
It's a practical issue.
It's not a religious issue, it's a practical
issue.
It won't work.
How can I find someone willing to live
with in-laws in a five-bedroom house?
Most women don't see the benefits and alternatives
are expensive on a single income.
I don't know, man.
Tell them, I've got a five-bedroom house.
What you do in that five-bedroom house
is separate...
If you can't find anybody, but you can
find somebody, you can say, I'm willing to
make a separate flat within the five bedrooms.
If you can do that.
That might help.
Otherwise, that's a practical issue.
Yeah.
If you don't mind me adding to that,
that's...
Yeah, if anybody here has questions that they
want asked directly, please feel free to do
so.
I'm just...
I want to ask more about that question.
Go ahead.
If you're living newly married, and the only
option is to live in the house with
the in-laws, and you have dair al
-mahram people living in the house as well.
I'm just thinking of those newlyweds.
It's a very difficult situation if they want
to be dressed up for each other.
Yeah, they'll have the...
Even you feel uncomfortable to be dressed up...
What's the question?
So, as in...
Isn't it a very difficult situation to live
in?
I'm not proposing it.
They've got a dilemma.
So that's why I'm saying having a separate
apartment is alright, because otherwise the only time
the woman will be able to dress up
for her husband is in the womb only.
Right?
And making sure nobody else comes in.
So yeah, there are sacrifices to give them.
That's why I believe, from what I've seen,
there was a parent and then a son
and his wife, and he tried his best
to live with his parents, because he wanted
to do their shahadah.
But then it became very sour.
He's got two children as well.
So then what they did was they separated
the top and bottom, and made his own
kitchen and everything.
So he's still there for them.
So that works sometimes.
Do something.
It's just that there's no magic.
You just read something and it'll all be
sorted.
You have to do something.
You have to do something about it.
For a young man doing his bachelor's degree,
to think about marriage and when he does
wish to get married, when and how should
he approach this topic.
I told you already.
Sort yourself out.
Find out anything that's going to be an
issue.
And then after that, just tell me what
else.
Ask me what other specific things you're asking
about.
Right?
What is the top tip for constructive communication?
Give a gift in advance.
Try to understand their perspective.
And then try to provide a conciliatory communication.
And say, look, the benefit isn't there for
you and for me.
Then it just depends on how stubborn that
other person is.
But at least you've done your best.
Just have to be creative in trying to
find different ways of sorting it out.
Again, it depends on the particular issue and
a particular individual.
Some people are very stubborn.
Some people are easygoing.
Some people like gifts.
Some people don't.
It just depends on all of that.
Which way can the sister approach men for
marriage?
Most of the marriage apps are a waste
of time.
I have been on them since 2015.
Allah help you.
But this is becoming, for some reason, very
complicated.
Again, I don't know.
Maybe you're to blame.
Again, I don't know.
Maybe you're looking for something very particular and
those kind of men don't exist.
Not too many of them exist.
But one thing I have learned in the
last two years, especially for sisters, get married
sooner than later.
And parents, get your daughters, when they're ready
for it, the right age, get them married
sooner than later.
And I'll tell you why.
The longer you leave it, all the good
guys get taken up.
So you're only going to have less people,
and not the so-good guys, maybe.
Right?
And you become more particular, so then you're
not willing to just go with anyone.
It will work against you.
So, I'm sure there must have been some
half-decent people that came in front of
you and you met and rejected them.
Again, I don't know you, so I'm not
judging you, but there could be multiple reasons
for that.
You're telling me that since 2015, which makes
it nine years, there's literally been nobody decent.
That's hard to say, that you're too particular.
I'm going, you know, with people, that's why
I'm saying this, that they've got five, ten
people who are just stupid not this guy,
not that guy, not that guy, not that
guy.
For example, one person, he says, my daughter,
I've got five daughters or whatever, and we've
been looking for like nine years or ten
years.
She's 30 now.
Let me talk to your daughter.
What's the issue?
She's Gujarati.
And the city, the town she's in, it's
not Gujarati, if that's an issue for you.
But no, I don't want to marry a
Gujarati.
I didn't want to marry a Gujarati.
I said, why?
Because they come with baggage.
Why would you want to marry them?
Marry a convert.
But a convert didn't come around.
Now she doesn't man anybody.
Which is fine, but be practical.
If you can't find what you're looking for,
for the narrowed down criteria, you have to
expand your criteria.
You're going to keep wanting for this ideal
man.
You see with a car, if you want
a very particular type of car, you can
literally go to a showroom, you don't have
to pay for it, but you can design
your car.
You can say, I want this feature, that
feature.
But if you're in the second-hand market,
you have to get from what's available.
You can't design a car in a second
-hand market, can you?
If one is available with all the features
you want, you get it, otherwise you don't.
And if you're too late, then everybody else
has taken off.
Same thing here.
So now what I'm saying is, expand your
horizons, make a lot of dua, and get
somebody and try it out.
Bismillah.
Right?
Make a lot of dua.
Are you able to advise on the best
way to look for potential partners these days,
in 30s and finding it difficult to come
across a practicing woman everywhere, struggling for some
reason?
I would say, number one, go to these
marriage bureaus, but number two, ask around in
the community.
Send your profile out to different people.
Try anything halal that is possible, and lots
of duas.
Ultimately, it's Allah who will connect the right
people together.
So, that's what I can say, but I
know it's getting tough for some odd reason.
You know those aunties used to be wonderful
people?
All the algorithm used to be in their
head being, yeah, yeah, ciao, thank you, sorry.
Now the apps have taken over and you
have to pay for them.
For the same algorithm that the whole auntie
and uncle in the community would do.
Yes, sir?
I think 10 years ago, a sister came
to our house, me and my wife sat
down, and she said, I'm looking for a
brother to get married.
So we asked her what you're looking for.
This is her list.
This is a real true story.
She said, he's got to be 6'2".
Now, I'm Bangladeshi, and she's Bangladeshi.
I'm 6'2", by the way.
Bangladeshi.
Sorry, I can go to Hollywood.
No, no, wait.
He has to be a millionaire.
He also has to go in business.
He cannot live with his parents.
He must have a degree, master's, whatever, and
be no older than 24 years of age.
You know, this unreal list.
You have to understand, and these sisters, some
of them have got a huge list.
And as the years go by, they get
crossed off one by one.
And now it's one man with a leg,
it's okay.
No, no, I'm serious.
You know, this sister is still not married.
She's looking for somebody from Bishwara.
Maybe.
So, how many Bangladeshis are 6'2"?
We're all short-witted.
Just to rephrase that for everyone, brother is
saying that he came across a sister who
wanted a Bangladeshi who was 6'2", a
millionaire, less than 24, lives separately from his
parents.
Oh, he's half-Bangladeshi, half-Hindu.
Amazing.
Mashallah.
She's going to have to design one.
In paradise, inshallah.
So then, slowly, you tick off, you get
rid of, just be open before it, especially
for girls.
Girls, women, have an earlier expiry date, as
such, if I can call it that.
So, be careful about that.
How do we choose a spouse?
Because, I think, get rid of all of
the, because I think we've dealt with that.
How do we choose?
By the way, a lot of this stuff
is in my book, in more detail.
I'm trying to provide it briefly here.
How do we choose a spouse?
Because the reality is that we won't know
how a person is until we're married.
I overthink.
Should I just rely on my parents' decision?
Look, you can rely on your parents' decision,
as long as you think they can make
a good decision.
But there's no harm in you trying to
ask questions and determining certain things.
We don't agree with dating at all.
However, we're completely fine with asking relevant questions.
And nowadays, people should ask relevant questions.
Right?
Number one.
The other thing I think people should do
is they should ask about certain things from
people who know that person.
Right?
From close friends or others.
What do you think of this person in
this perspective?
Once you've done all of that, do your
istikhara.
And then, ismallah.
Don't overthink.
Otherwise, you'll be overthinking for a very long
time.
How do you deal with different fit-in
households?
Try to have the same fit-in household
to the best of your ability.
If not, then get married to somebody who's
fit.
Doesn't say you're wrong.
Because if you get married to somebody who's
fit, is saying that you are wrong or
you're maybe even a gafir, you're going to
have a lot of trouble with that.
Because they're going to be just trying to
make bid'ah with everything that you do.
Like some people do today.
So that's tough.
But I've seen many happy Hanafi-Shafi'i
marriages, Hanafi-Maliki marriages.
Because they respect one another.
But if you...
Sometimes Salafis cause a lot of problems with
this.
I've seen literally two or three cases where
one of them said you're gafir and then
ended it.
But now, alhamdulillah, the Salafis have calmed down
quite a bit and it's getting much easier.
With at least most of them.
How does a...
And if there is a different fit-in,
they're respectful to one another, it's going to
be around the children.
Okay, should we lead them the Hanafi way
or the Shafi'i way?
For example, our Shaykh Hazrat Mawlana Yusuf Muqtada
Sahib he got married to a Shafi'i.
And the decision for their children, at least
for some of them, was that they're going
to be Shafi'i.
And he was Hanafi.
And that's cool.
It's completely fine.
It's whatever they have access to, really.
Make it easier.
Don't make them hafanshafi.
How does a very newly married couple approach
the topic of intimacy or sexual *?
Calmly.
Take it easy.
And just try to be open.
Explore a few calm things first and then
after that, Bismillah.
There's lots of detail in my book.
I don't want to go through that right
now.
As a man, am I allowed to marry
my second one because my wife doesn't want
more than one child?
I want a big family.
Do I need her permission?
The technical answer to this is simple.
You don't need permission from one wife for
another.
That's the technical Islamic ruling.
You don't need permission.
Your marriage would be completely valid.
Whether you should or not, I don't know
because I don't know any about your story.
I don't know much about your situation.
But if you want more children, then you
should probably communicate with your wife about this
issue first and see if you can just
work it out and then try to sort
something out.
But yeah, you don't need permission.
My sister-in-law...
Okay, there's 12 questions.
Just leave it to that.
And then if there's any more and if
there's time after that, we'll answer.
My sister-in-law lives with us in
our house.
My husband says she is his responsibility by
Islamic law.
No, she's not.
Oh yeah, no.
It's his sister, yes.
She is, yes.
I thought it meant, yeah.
She is 28 and not married.
How can I deal with this?
Do we have to keep her in our
house?
Okay.
So look, he is responsible for her if
she doesn't have parents or anybody else that's
close male kin to look after her.
So yes, he's right, if that's the case.
If he has other brothers, then they're all
responsible, not just him.
Just because he's the older one doesn't make
him more responsible.
It's actually they're all responsible equally.
However, that doesn't mean that he has to
force her into...
He has to provide for her, but again,
it's just like he still has to give
his wife a separate place if she can't
get along with her.
Or he has to give his sister a
separate place.
It's his house, so he can dedicate a
room and kitchen to her and then he
can give the rest to his wife, for
his wife and his family.
So, he is responsible, but it doesn't mean
that he forced them to live together.
Read with sensitivity.
Okay.
How do you bring this question up when
getting to know a man for marriage?
I'm not willing to be with a person
if they have...
La ilaha illallah.
If they had had previous...
Yeah, I don't want to bring this up
here, although it's a very relevant question, but...
I never had this question posed to me.
But anyway, they know what the question is,
so I'll answer it for them.
I want to know why you're so obsessed
with this issue.
What's the issue with it?
I think it's going to be very difficult
for you to figure that out, and I
think you'll probably put off a lot of
people like that, if you even ask that
question.
And it's going to make you sound like
somebody strange.
I personally, unless you know something better, I
personally don't think hopefully, most people engage in
that kind of stuff.
Some people do, for sure.
I've had that case.
But you shouldn't...
And again, I don't know if you're a
man or a woman.
So it would be helpful if you tell
me that you're a woman and you're asking
this question.
So I'm not sure which side you're asking
about.
So write me again if you want.
Otherwise, contact me privately.
I've got a phone number on my website
called zamzamacademy.com There's a public number on
there that you can call at some decent
time during the week for any...
What if one spouse sometimes refuses to be
on the same page and takes out their
anger on the husband when he's trying to
resolve the issue?
You just do your best to try to
sort it out.
I don't have magic for this kind of
thing, unfortunately.
And again, why aren't they on the same
page?
We have to figure that out.
Find out why they're not on the same
page.
What's the issue here?
There's deep issues, obviously.
You sort this out.
Nikah.
Beyond the local culture norms, based on the
Quran, does nikah permissible without a wali?
Meaning, it is valid.
If a woman in the halafi madhab does
get married without her parents' consent, then nikah
will be valid.
That's all I can say.
Is it a good idea?
Probably not.
Unless the parents are so unreasonable.
I've had cases where the parents don't want
the child to get married.
They only say no to everybody.
Make silly excuses.
Because they want the khidmat.
And she's 35 years old now.
And I'm saying, in that case, Bismillah, go
ahead and do it.
Literally, I'm saying.
Bismillah, go ahead and do it.
Because you need to maintain your iman and
your chastity.
If someone was involved in a haram relationship
but both have sins, then would you advise
against them marrying due to initial meeting?
No.
Get married.
You're supposed to get married.
A lot of people think that if they're
in a haram relationship, then they should not
marry one another.
Make it halal.
You should get married.
Why do you want to leave?
Why do you want to go to somebody
else's home?
You're a reject.
You think you're a reject.
Why are you going to somebody else's home?
You're not a reject.
Maktouba, you're no longer a reject.
But marry that person.
Sort it out.
Sorry, I'm very straightforward.
And I'm trying to be a bit of
humor on Saturday night because people are getting
bored.
Or might get bored.
If a brother is suffering from sihr following
a divorce, will getting remarried break the sihr?
I don't think so.
It's got nothing to do with marriage.
I'm not a gin buster.
I'm not an expert in this, but I
have enough knowledge to say that's not an
issue.
In fact, it might even get worse if
you don't sort it out because it may
be based on some jealousy or something.
I don't know.
These days, boys are stipulating certain conditions before
even getting married, which causes relations even progressing.
They say, for example, not traveling alone.
I mean, that's just a ficky issue.
It's a decent, ficky opinion about that.
So, what's your issue?
Where do you want to travel alone to?
I'd be scared if there's somebody who wants
you to travel alone.
Like, where do you want to go to?
What if they, for instance, for professional reasons,
they have to go far away?
What if they have to visit their family
far away and their husband can't take them
or wife can't take them?
Then don't get married to somebody that far
off.
It's just going to lead to a lot
of issues.
There's no point.
You see, once, in the beginning, when I
started working and I needed a car, I
found two Honda Corollas, I think it was.
Sorry, Toyota.
It was a Honda Accord or Toyota Corolla,
one of those.
And they were both the same.
But one of them had AC, but the
other one was a better car, but didn't
have AC.
And the other one had AC, but wasn't
as good a car.
I said to the guy who was helping
me, I said, why don't you take the
AC from me and put it in that
one?
Because you can't do that kind of stuff.
So a lot of people, what they do
is they get married with somebody, hoping they're
going to change.
I would say, unless you're desperate, don't do
that.
There's guys who get married with girls who
don't wear hijab, but I think she's going
to wear one.
If it's important for you, get somebody with
a hijab on.
Why do you get a car without an
AC if you want it?
Right?
Hoping to put one in later.
Unless it's easy to put in.
Right?
Or if you want somebody who will make
sure he prays, now I hope he's going
to pray afterwards.
Unless you're desperate, and there's nothing else going
on, it's fine.
But if it's really important for you, just
don't get into that.
It's not worth arguing.
You've already got enough other things you have
to sort out.
Don't try to sort out something else like
that.
Right?
And the thing is that once you're married,
especially women, they should be rethinking their whole
perspective of life.
Because their primary purpose of marriage is to
have children.
And if they're going to put that off,
and they're going to start travelling really far
off, that's going to be an issue.
And then, travelling alone, for many fuqaha, that's
a big issue.
Okay.
Read with sensitivity.
I like this person.
Right?
If a man or woman is married, and
committed zina, but repented and never went back,
is there any penalty he has to give
for repentance?
No, he just has to make sincere tawbah.
Sincere repentance.
Right?
That is what it is.
Now you can use multiple things to get
repentance, which is you can use sadaqah.
The Prophet ﷺ said, If you do a
bad deed, follow it up with a good
deed.
Now if you think that you've done such
a major bad deed, then do that much
of a good deed.
Until you feel that you've done something.
Because that's really helpful to get tawbah as
well.
That's all you have to do.
How can we choose a girl for getting
married?
I mean, we are not allowed to talk
to her.
No, you are allowed to talk to her.
You just can't get personal with her.
But you can have a formal discussion.
And I think that's becoming...
I didn't talk to my wife before I
got married.
I just looked at her for two minutes.
I didn't talk to her.
But I found out everything I needed to
know, and I was happy.
Alhamdulillah, it's fine.
But nowadays, with each one having their own
careers and future ideas, it's a good idea
to have a conversation.
A formal conversation.
Preferably with somebody around.
Actually with somebody around.
Not privately, and not informally.
And not too casually.
Just to get it right.
To understand what each other's ideas are.
What's the name of the book you have
published called Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage?
What do you think of marriage breakdown these
days?
More so than ever before?
Yes, absolutely.
Would you rather recommend divorced brothers to look
for other divorced women?
Good idea, because we need to pick up
each other.
And the community needs to make it easy.
In some communities, it's a stigma for women
to get married again.
Which is really silly.
Should be able to get married again.
Easily.
Otherwise they go crazy.
Please can you elaborate what you mean by
girls have an expiry date?
In the sense that girls seem to age
faster than men do.
I mean it's obvious.
In terms of their physique and everything.
So then they become less desirable.
Fortunately or unfortunately.
So that's why I get married sooner than
later.
Also children.
Of course, being able to have children.
That's another issue.
Because obviously there is kind of a fertility
period and then the fertility goes down and
so on.
That's what I meant by that.
Where does it say in the Quran a
man doesn't need permission from his first wife
to marry her?
Where does it say he does?
Where does it say he does?
Because you see, neither in the Quran or
the Sunnah or in all of the books
of fiqh does it ever say that you're
supposed to take permission.
In fact, the Prophet's actions shows that he
got married without permission from any of the
wives.
He got married to Juwailiyah r.a and
we'll find out later.
Right?
And they were jealous.
But the Prophet s.a.w. didn't marry
her.
He didn't tell her.
He didn't ask her anything.
He just got married.
There's no requirements of that.
And what's this?
Okay.
If a sister is a revert, wants to
marry a Muslim man, can her non-Muslim
parents be present and give permission for marriage?
Absolutely.
Because it's not even required for them to
give permission.
It's not required, meaning it's not required.
A woman can represent herself in marriage.
So she can definitely have non-Muslim parents
to be there.
That's not a problem.
Okay.
Another read with sensitivity.
I'm a female.
I don't want a man who does that
action.
Okay.
That makes more sense.
I'm worried when women...
I don't know.
I'm worried when married, he will want that
action and it's haram.
That's why you want to ask.
Very good.
JazakAllah.
Because I've dealt with two or three cases.
So essentially the issue is that she doesn't
want anybody who asks for * in the
wrong passage.
Let's put it that way.
It's a haram.
Completely haram.
It's completely haram.
There's two marriages that we're gonna break because
of this.
It's like, I just can't do that.
That's all that he wants.
Alhamdulillah, we managed to solve one of them.
The other one, I don't know what's happened
afterwards.
The husband needs to get help.
Because it's completely haram.
So she's asking, can I ask?
Well, you can.
You can ask whatever you want.
Perhaps you can ask.
Is makeup mega haram?
Why is it haram?
Makeup is halal with your husband.
Makeup as much as you want.
Just don't look weird in your makeup.
Just make sure for women, make sure that
the makeup you put on for your husband
is according to his taste.
Because if you're gonna put on some makeup
because you saw it online for some influence
and you're gonna look like some weird witch
and he doesn't like that, it's not gonna
be...
Because we had these cases.
I put makeup on and I asked the
husband, what's the issue?
So I don't like that kind of makeup.
I like this kind of makeup.
So, obviously, if you're doing it for somebody
else and do something they like, cooking some
weird food for somebody who doesn't like that,
what's the point?
But it's completely halal.
In fact, it'd probably be recommended to beautify
yourself for your husband and for the husband
to do something.
If the wife is a beauty man and
he's just coming in with all sweaty, sweaty
and trying to do something, that's wrong as
well.
So inshallah, jazakallah khairun.
Alhamdulillah, we managed to answer all the questions.
Jazakallah for all of everybody to have sat
here.
And if there's any questions that I was
not able to answer properly because of my
apologies, my phone number is available.
Don't email me.
Don't text me.
Just call me on some of these.
Again, keep us in your du'as.
And again, this is just one bayan, right?
I've got about 10-15, at least 10
-15 bayans on this topic on various different
issues related to marriage on our site, ZamZam
Academy, on our channel on YouTube, ZamZam Academy,
ZAMZAM Academy, and also about 10 bayans on
bringing up children.
So feel free to go and check those
out.
If you've got any other issues, we just
try to help so that the Muslim community
becomes stronger and stabilised because marriage is just
too many challenges out there.
So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala assist us
and help us and Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala bless everybody's night.
Let's make a quick du'a to end
this session.
Allahumma anna salam wa aminka salam wa taqawwaf
ayat al-jilayi wa l-ikram.
Allahumma ya Hidhi ya Qayyum wa ruhbatika nastaqeeb
ya Hinnami wa yawma man la ilaha illa
anta subhanaka inna kunna min al-dhalimin jazallahu
anna muhammadan mahu alim.
Ya Allah have mercy on us.
Ya Allah have mercy on our families.
Ya Allah guide our families.
Ya Allah guide us all to do the
right thing.
Correct our mistakes.
Correct our wrong understanding.
Correct our misunderstandings.
Correct our bad character.
Reform our character.
O Allah bless our marriages.
O Allah bless our marriages.
Those who are married here O Allah bless
their marriages.
Grant them great joy in their marriages.
And O Allah those who are not married
Ya Allah grant them righteous and suitable partners.
O Allah all of our children who are
ready for marriage O Allah grant them suitable
spouses.
O Allah grant them the love that you
gave to Aisha r.a and the Prophet
s.a.w. to Khadijah r.a and
the Prophet s.a.w. O Allah allow
us to enliven the sunnah in our marriages.
O Allah allow us to fulfill this sunnah
and make it easy.
And O Allah allow the marriage to bless
us and to beautify our lives.
To have a balanced life.
And O Allah protect us and all our
generations that will come from us.
O Allah bless all of those who have
sat here today.
Those who have listened.
O Allah make this a source of blessing
Forgive us our mistakes.
And O Allah our incompetencies and our weaknesses.
And O Allah only you we can turn
to to forgive us for all of our
wrongs that we have done.
And O Allah we also remember our brothers
and sisters who are suffering around the world
Ya Allah.
Relieve them.
Relieve them Ya Allah.
Grant them their freedom.
Grant them much better than what they have
lost.
And O Allah bless all of those who
have assisted in organizing this program.
And all of those who have attended or
listened.
Listen.