Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Etiquette of the First Night
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim.
This is a section on
the recommendations. For the first night. For the first night, one of
the biggest aspects of Nica is to basically consume it the marriage,
right? Because that's a desire that husband and wife have. And
this is the halal way of fulfilling that. So there's a some
people may feel that there's an urgency to do this. However, it is
not a sunnah necessarily, that on the first night, that this must
take place. And that's why you have to be sensitive. Because it's
possible that you know, these last few days or weeks have been very,
very busy for the couple.
Right? Of course, once they are married, there's going to be a lot
of enthusiasm. But a lot of the time people are tired, or whatever
the case is. So all we're saying is proceed carefully, relax, get
to know one another, especially if you've done it in a halal way,
where you've not basically had a taste of one another beforehand,
because unfortunately, there's a lot of cases where people get to
know one another too much. And they've been dating and they've
done basically everything that what you're supposed to be looking
forward, looking forward to for your day of marriage, all that
Baraka is gone, right? So really, if it's a couple who have been
trying to be righteous, and so on, there's going to be an urgency,
there's going to be a bargain so on,
you want to try to break the ice, right, you want to try to break
the ice get comfortable with one another. And generally, if you've
done your due diligence, if you found somebody who you think is
compatible, you've made the inquiries, you've tried to
understand the personality through other people, and so on. And
you've made a bit of investment like that, that then basically,
once the nega has been done, husband and wife become helpful
for one another, one of the things that you should avoid is you
should not be playing hard to get.
Otherwise it could leave a lasting negative impression on the other.
So if the husband just plays hard to get or the wife plays hard to
get, it's just not your her love for one another, you should
basically be both giving it your full.
Generally, the advice is women should not play hard to get and
men should take it easy. Because generally those are the problems,
right? Obviously, when somebody is a real steal a relative stranger,
you may be a bit uncomfortable, how far we can go, and so on.
It's also possible that you may not know that the other person has
had abusive upbringing.
They've suffered abuse, sexual abuse or other kinds of abuse and
they may have psychological problems so many marriages can be
like that, where so you have to be careful,
you have to help in that situation. And of course, there's
the natural inhibition the natural hire that somebody has, you don't
expect on the first day just to reveal it all, as they say, right,
there could be a natural inhibition or a revenue
reservation at the state. So you need to take it feeling insecure
and so on. So start praising one another. Praise them is make it
easy for them, make it comfortable for them.
Situation basically just needs care and compassion,
understanding and patience. The focus initially should be a more
of a psychological bonding, developing confidence and setting
down nurturing the spiritual foundations of the spiritual union
of this important union the spiritual foundations.
Okay, these are specific sunnah, recommendations for this night.
And I think it helps to ease the couple
to a confirmation as well. There's a hadith related by Imam Toblerone
which says that the couple should offer two records of prayer
together in congregation
so when you come together whether you're going to a hotel room or
your own apartment or your friend's apartment or whatever,
however you want to do this the first night right? You first get
together do will do and you pray solid.
Of course the wife may not be in a position to pray a lot at that
time if she's on a monthly period or whatever. Then the husband
prays she does some Tasbeeh wherever number two then the
husband is also advised to hold the wife's forelock which is the
the hair at the front and recite the following prayer. The wife can
also make this dua because the professor was only speaking to
men. He said it to a said Allahumma inni. So Luca, hire her
and she would say hi yah hoo instead, right? Well hi Rama Jaya
belta are they what are they becoming? sialorrhea washery
mergeable Taha Are they here and if she is reading it, she will
as change the How to who instead, which is the masculine from the
feminine basically just means Oh Allah I asked you for the good in
her or him and the good you have predisposed her to or him and I
seek Your protection from her evil or his evil and the evil you have
predisposed her or him to. So you're asking for the best and
this this is why you do in so many play in fact, that's the deal I
made when I went first at University of Alliance you for the
best of this place, and that it's been created for and I seek refuge
from the worst of this place and the worst that may be there. You
say that for the wind. When the wind blows Oh Allah give us the
best of it, not the worst of it. This is a general dua you can make
in all cases, but this one is definitely here related by Mr.
Magoo doubt, this should inshallah keep the shaytaan away and protect
you from any ill that may come about.
Number three, it could be a recommendation at this point to
give a special gift.
This is when I think this is when I think the marital gift should be
given not matter. But a special private personal gift. There are
these gifts that you have to exchange rings and all that those
are all formalities. Right. I don't know how serious people take
them, but they are ritualistic. This is the real way nobody else
knows what you're giving is just between you and her. Or you and
him some and preferably give something that they will remember
forever.
Right? A box of chocolates will be eaten up. Right? A box of baklawa
box of you know, give something like a ring or something.
A book a special book like the the handbook of a healthy Muslim
marriage. Right? It's a good idea. Actually $1 book, right and
physical are them.
A nice Quran, write a nice Quran, something whatever just something
to remember forever, right general is otherwise not necessary, but
just good. Because the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, the herd
though to have boo,
give gifts to one another. And that will create love and this is
the person you have to create love with. So use everything that
progressivism is encouraged to create love with.
Now, if you're already married, and you didn't do this, you can
still have a special night and say let's do this again. Let me give
you a gift. Okay.
Just organize with your spouse that you know what we didn't do
this properly. Let's do this all of this sooner. There's nothing
wrong with doing let's set a date next week on Sunday. We're going
to do all of this on Friday. Yeah. Friday night Saturday. Yes, the
Prophet sallallahu sallam. Yes, that hadith narrated by Mantovani
and others and bardenas Allah that will move forward. Number four.
This is from the Sunnah the husband could also offer his new
bride something to drink,
a nice juice or something, or anything even water. This is found
in a hadith of Asma bint iezzi IGNOU second or the Allahu anha
who said that she was the one who beautified Aisha Radi Allahu Anhu
for the Prophet sallallahu sallam, you know you get the women in the
community who does the bride up right the the makeup people or
whatever you want to call them. So, a smart minty and she said
that I beautified Aisha the Allah one half of the Prophet sallallahu
Sallam then called him to come in to see her unveiled. Remember,
they got he only he got he started leaving the three years afterwards
in Maccha in Madina Munawwara so she was beautified for him and
then he was invited to come and now see your bright unveil because
until now is the with the veil, right.
He came and sat next to her. And he brought a large cup of milk
from which he drank some preferably milk them some good
milk, some good nice organic milk, right? He then offered it to a
shot of the Allahu anha but She lowered her head and felt shy she
was very shy.
A smarter the Allahu Allah says that I scolded her, like I told
her and I said to her take from the hand of the Prophet sallallahu
sallam. So then she took it and she drinks him. So if you do have
a bride that is maybe a bit shy or extra shy, whatever, then her
mother or somebody can be there to help her along, you know, in the
initial meeting
beautiful Santa.
Okay, number of number five. This is where nobody else should be
there afterwards, obviously, because if they decide to get
intimate and make love, the couple then should first recite the dua
of this special dua which is Bismillah Allahu wa jal Libnah
Shavon where Jen Devi shaytaan Amara Xacta. Now you should
memorize this dua, because this to be recited every time the sexual
* takes place. It is very important because remember,
this is all about the big idea of marriage, which is to produce
children and the next generation and you want to make sure you you
you do everything right to produce the best children. And part of
that is finding
the right spouse in the first place. And then when you do, then
you want to make sure Shakedown doesn't take because shaytaan is
there to mess it up. Shaytan is there to cause problems right from
the beginning. So what this means is in the name of Allah, O Allah
distance us from the, from the Satan, and distance Satan from
what you grow have granted us. So we don't want our child to be
affected by the shaytaan as well.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, in a hadith of
Bukhari and Muslim, that if the couple were to be, if you read
this, and the couple were to be blessed with a child during such a
relationship, then Satan will not be able to harm it. So do not ever
read. That's why in some cultures, the worst way you can give to
somebody is that your bed walkie a lot.
Like your parents didn't read dua when they heard you. It's a really
bad Ah, okay, so really bad. We don't want to make that mistake.
May Allah protect us.
Now, another point to keep in mind here is that it's forbidden,
forbidden anytime, not just this night, anytime to reveal the
details of your sexual intimacy with your spouse, to anybody.
All right, there's a there's a weird custom among some people
that they are pressured, is that they pressure a person getting
married like a woman or a man to reveal the details of their first
encounter. And they compare it with one another. Totally haram,
and wrong. This is a betrayal of your partner's trust.
You've seen how people are doing suicide because their partner or
somebody took shots of them in a in one of these intimate stages
and publish it online. All right, there are people who are out there
committing suicide because of this. So okay, maybe you're not
giving up pictures, but you don't want to even give what do you call
it the details.
Amongst the prophets, Allah some said in a hadith Sahih Muslim,
amongst the most evil people, according to Allah, on the Day of
Judgment, is a man who has sexual relations with his wife, and she
with him, then he spreads her secrets. Likewise, if a woman does
the same for a husband,
In another Hadith, the prophets Allah some said, do not do this,
for it is like a male Satan, who meets a female Satan on the road
and has sexual * with her while people are watching. So
to tell them afterwards about it is the same as if he did it in
front of people.
As a final advice, I just want to mention that do not do not play
jokes on one another on the first night.
You don't know the other person properly enough, and it could go
wrong. There's one couple I know where the wife, very innocent
person, her friends that she trusted, told her to do a bit of a
joke on the husband. But he went wrong.
And that left a bad taste for a while. So do not play weird jokes.
Don't listen to your friends on this day. Write your friends. Be
careful.
One couple, I know the her friends told her that sexual integral
because we knew never had sexual *, you may just read a
few things about it or whatever, then your friends may tell you
things about it. She was told that it hurts.
Right? And she later says that it had nothing to do with hurting.
Maybe first time hurts a bit. But the way the friend had said it
hurts. And she says I didn't understand why she's telling me
that because she'd read a few novels, some romance books, and
they enjoying it. So why is she saying is hurts. So don't be
careful about what your friends tell you about this explore for
yourself. Of course, it's helpful to know things from good sources,
right? We actually do need more Halal sources about the etiquettes
of sexual * and the outcome of sexual *
because unfortunately, most of the stuff out there is pretty much
*. Right or close enough to be * if not absolute
*. So we don't have enough sources. I think the only
few sources we have is basically this book called sexual etiquette
etiquette of sexual *. It's a blue cover book. It
actually goes very well with our blue marriage book, right handbook
is blue. This is the red so blue and red generally go together
nicely. It's by Mufti Mohammed a friend of mine if no animal
coterie, right? It's all about sexual etiquette. I have a chapter
in this book, but I don't go into detail about different different
I'm talking about sexual intimacy in general the whole philosophy of
it, because what you have to remember that a lot of people you
have to take it out of your mind that sexual * in the
right way is a is a bad thing. It's not a dirty thing. Because we
have so much Zina and everything it's seen as a dirty thing.
Whereas in Islam, sexual * is considered to be a
very pure idea.
But that's how children are born. That's how
the Prophet sallallahu Sallam came into being. That's how Olia come
into being at the end of the day. Allah subhanaw taala says in the
Quran
that to have the commands shipped to him will cut the moolah and
physical come to your field your crops from whichever way you want
meaning everything whatever is halal in sexual * with
your with your wife with your husband. Then third two hearts are
gonna Szeto will cut the Molly and forsake them and send forth for
yourself. Then he says what duckula where Allah more under
Camilla who fear Allah and know that one day you're going to meet
him? Know that you're going to meet him? Why talk about meeting
Allah when you're having sexual *?
And the reason is that most people just think it's like this
animalistic act for self pleasure. But what you have to realize as
Imam Ghazali Rahim Allah as mentioned in his book of gas,
Russia who attain that the benefit of the wisdom behind sexual
* is number one procreation. It's good. It's
wonderful that Allah made a pleasure in it. Otherwise, it was
just a task to create kids to create children. But he made it
that is encouraged. One of the highest forms of pleasure is
sexual *. Right? If it's done right. So number one is that
the second wisdom and benefit of the pleasure of sexual *
is that it reminds you of the pleasures of paradise. You know,
the pleasure of paradise supposed to be amazing. Allah has given us
one window into that by showing us what kind of pleasures personal
pleasures you may feel in when you do this act. That's why for Olia,
this x takes them closer to Allah subhanaw taala for a lot of people
was like six years ago that must be like a haram act. That must be
something that we just do, like in guilty know, the right people do
this and actually takes them closer to Allah subhanaw taala
because they're looking for the right thing. They're looking for
the right pleasure. And they're looking to please Allah subhanaw
taala so the sexual act needs to be a sacred act in the in the
right kind of sense of it. We don't have time to get into that
in greater detail right now, some some of this stuff is in is in is
I've discussed in the book. But basically, do not consider your
relationship based on a movie based on a Bollywood movie or a
Hollywood movie, right or whatever movie or soap operas or whatever
the case is. You have to learn from the sunnah to do it in the
best manner possible and have your trust in Allah subhanaw taala and
love will teach you
the best ways of its etiquettes. So let us stop here for a while.