Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Divorce in Islam
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim
Al Hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah Hamden kefir on the uban Mubarak
and fie
Mubarak anally he can now your head Bharat buena Jalla Jalla, who
I'm Manuel was Salatu was Salam ala say you will have a bill
Mustafa SallAllahu Taala RLA, who are either early or Sahibi. He or
Baraka was to limit to Sleeman Kathira en la Yomi. Deen and
Mulberry.
So respected elders respected brothers and sisters salaam
aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
Unfortunately, I wasn't here for the earlier talk, but I'm assuming
the talk was about marriage. Can you confirm that?
It was about modesty, I guess it links to marriage. I was given the
topic of divorce. I don't know where that comes into it. If you
haven't spoken about marriage, I don't know where divorce comes
into it.
So I don't know what that is. Maybe that's just the wisdom of
Allah subhanaw taala. For us to speaking about, it's actually
quite important. Even if you're not married, it's actually very
important for us to understand the concept of divorce in Islam.
Because what I've seen in in my life as an Imam, as such, dealing
with a lot of community problems and issues, social issues. I've
seen that a lot of the time the problem that comes up in a
marriage where divorces are given the uttered the articulated by the
tongue, the real, a lot of it is, is it's spontaneous, it's not it's
not premeditated, it's not
well thought out, it's out of anger. It's, it's by mistake, it's
said accidentally. In fact, it's said as a joke sometimes. And the
thing is that the divorce is such a thing that you just can't mess
with it. It's like it's worse than playing with fire. That's why I
think it is a very important topic, even if you're not married,
because it's a good idea to prepare ourselves to understand
what divorce is all about how this institution works in Islam, so
that when you do get married, if you're not married, and for those
who are married, then they can prepare to prepare themselves, or
at least protect themselves. So firstly, let's, let's understand
what divorce is all about. I mean, dictionaries make it seem like a
very simple affair. So you've got, for example, you've got
the Webster's dictionary, the Webster's Dictionary defines
divorce as the legal dissolution of marriage or the termination of
an existing relationship or union. It's kind of very simple, isn't
it? The dissolution of a union? Right? The separation of two
people, it's, it makes it seem very simple. All the emotional
factors, the social implications, none of that is taken into
consideration. But that's a dictionary definition. You know,
it's not an encyclopedic entry. It's a dictionary. That's what
saying, I mean, if you look at it, a better translation would be,
especially if there's children involved, especially if there are
children involved in a marriage as much as is as is the case in many,
in many situations. Then another definition of
divorce would be divorces like 1000 Knives being thrown in at
one's heart
1000 Knives being thrown at one's heart, or a slow, painful ride
through horror mountain? It's probably a theme right on shirts
in America, it's in England, I'm not sure. Right. But apparently,
this is to understand it from a child's perspective. Because when
a child is involved, it's just the issue is just compounded many
fold, you know, to people who are married, but don't have children
could get away with a clean divorce, a decent divorce, where
there's not many psychological ramifications. But when there's
children involved, even if they're infants, you know, even if it's an
infant that's involved, then there's just the ramifications,
the implications, the negative consequences, in fact, the dangers
and the harms of that are compounded many fold. And that's
what we need to understand. And that's where we look at the Hadith
of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, who is so beautifully
put it because if you look at the Bible, if you look at the Old
Testament, New Testament, it though it permits, the permission
for divorce, you know, as it currently stands, is very limited.
It only allows it in the case of what they call infidelity. I mean,
for us, infidelity normally means taking on a different theme, you
know, going against Islam as such, but for some reason the word
infidelity is actually used for adultery. It's what used for extra
marital relationship and affairs, right? But basically, that's the
way it's normally translated for them. So it mentions that aside
from one or two very specific cases, divorce should not take
place. It should be honored until the last moments and then the
verbiage that's used is is basically based on that. Well
nowadays I mean, divorce is primary
really become more of a secular kind of institution, you know,
outside just as marriages, you know, you can do a drive by
marriages as they do in. I remember I was in a in a bookshop.
I was in a bookshop in the West End, it's a Muslim bookshop, and I
was going to speak about some books. I went downstairs and
mashallah, there's an office there. Right? There's an office
and the owner of the bookshop, he's a shake, probably a graduate
of us her I think of Jeremy Tillerson in from Cairo. And as I
walked down, there's a ceremony taking place in, you know, in the
basement of the bookshop. And there's a
there's a couple, and he's basically making them say these
long words, you know, to Solomon eyes, the marriage.
After that, one of the brother of the bride, he came up to me
because he studies at the same place I study, and he shook my
hands and I said, like, what's going on here? Where's the
marriage in the masjid? Right, is this? He says, Look, you know, I
have no idea about this. Right? I think I kind of got an
understanding of what was going on from just the way he responded to
that. So when I said to him, is it one of these Las Vegas jobs?
That was a joke, of course, it's a joke. There's a big difference
between the Las Vegas drive thru marriage as they do there. Right.
If you don't understand Las Vegas marriages, I apologize. But
basically, it's a drive thru place where there's the laws don't apply
as much. And there's a it's a very simple affair, right? You want to
get married overnight, you go and do it the and then I'm not sure of
the rest of the consequences. They'll have cost here. It's a
shake. It's it's a, it's a Muslim marriage that's taking place.
Obviously, there's the kalam of Allah being recited, there's,
there is both sides promising doing the job and Kaboul the offer
and acceptance is a whole different thing. But if you
understand what I'm saying that taking it out of the masjid where
the baraka is, into a place here, where you pay to get a marriage
done, it's a whole different thing. But basically, you do
understand from that perspective, that Marriage Marriage is actually
it's so important. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said
in a very, very comprehensive statement, this despite being
short, he kind of encompassed everything he said, about dual
halali Illa Allah He Attala abadal halali illallah he AtHoc which
basically means that the worst, the most detested the most hated
the most lowest
permissible Act, the most loathed lawful act is divorce. So he it's
as though be grudgingly he's saying it is lawful. But it is the
most detested act. And the reason for it is not just the social one,
it's a very personal it's a very psychological one, a number of
studies have been done, not just on the children involved in a
divorce case, but also in the people who are involved in the
couple that are involved in this divorce, even 10 years afterwards,
especially when they're to make another major decision. Sometimes
the ramifications of that come about, they're there as well, it
effects the next marriage as well. Other than that, a number of
studies have shown how children of divorced parents are likely to
have a greater possibility a greater potential to do the same
thing that their parents did. I personally, I think the way to
look at it is that what a divorce does in a family is that it
weakens everybody's resolve. It doesn't give you a good role model
to follow. So when the children are undergoing a divorce, the
kinds of negative harms the harms that the child or the child
normally experiences in this feeling of confusion, that
sometimes they're just too young to even understand what's going
on.
Allah subhanho wa Taala has made the nature of the human race in
fact, not just Well, primarily the human race where a couple get
together, there could be two complete
there could be two completely different people in the sense of
not related, never having met before they come together it could
be from different cultures, different countries, different
backgrounds, different languages, right, different food preferences,
ethnicity, whatever you want to say. They come together, in the
name of Allah subhanho wa taala. Allah subhanaw taala brings about
the baraka the blessing that envelopes them after the marriage
is solemnized after the ejabberd Qubool is and after the Nica takes
place, right? Then what happens is you have a very special
relationship form that continues if it lasts this world it
continues into the hereafter.
You know, the most amazing thing is that who is a person going to
be with in paradise, a person is going to be with their spouse. So
a wife is going to be with a husband, a husband is going to be
with the wife, you're not going to be with your mother or father,
you're not going to be with your son or daughter, right? Or any
other relative for that matter, you're going to be with your
spouse. I mean, that is amazing. So pick the right spouse in this
world. You know, I guess I'm getting into the marriage. I'm
trying to cover the marriage aspect here. Right? Pick the right
spouse, because it continues on some of you may question that.
What happens if a woman for instance, right, a woman, for
instance, had one husband, who passed away or was divorced, and
then she had another husband, of course, if it was divorced, and no
longer they no longer married anyway. So you can understand that
she will probably be with the next husband in paradise if that last.
But what happens if a woman this was asked to the Prophet salAllahu
alayhi wasallam, that what happens if a woman who is whose husband
passes away, dies, and then she gets married to somebody else?
Which of the husbands will she be with? Because that hadith kind of
gives an understanding a woman will only be with one man, right?
So one of the responses, one, one narration mentions the best of
them in character,
the best of them in character, she will be given a choice to get the
best one in character to live. Now, of course, we leave that all
that to Allah subhanaw taala, because paradise is a place that
will give so much bliss and eternal happiness, that it will
there you will have what No, I have seen and that has not no, no
ear has heard the description thereof. And neither has the
thought or the the concept of it is beyond whatever could occur in
your heart. So we leave that to Allah subhanaw taala. But just to
kind of give an understanding of this very special relationship,
and the impact that it has. Now we don't have much time. So and this
topic is not about justice, just the harms of a divorce. I'd like
to provide some guidance just based on my experience of speaking
to various different couples, divorces, people who are divorced
people who are wanting to divorce people who've made mistakes, and
that's what I want to mention. Number Number one, as as I
mentioned earlier, the first thing is that the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam said that the worst of the lawful things is
divorce. Now, those of you who are not married and think, Well,
divorce is too far off, I'm not even married yet, right? Just
understand it as a lesson, just internalize it, just just try to
carry it with you so that you're protected even from before you
marry. That's why a lot of the aroma nowadays are actually
recommending recommending that before they marry people, before
young people marry before anybody marries for that matter, they
should actually have marriage classes, you know, just like we
hold these intensive workshops on on, you know, Salatin fasting and
what do you call it zakat workshops and others, I think they
should be marriage workshops. And a very good time for that is
probably around May, June, just before marriage season begins.
Right? So I think I think we're in our masjid, we're going to try to
hold some of those this year, because I think it's really
important, a quick class on marriage and the flick of divorce.
Right? Now, you might think, why do you want to mention divorce?
Well, it's there, it's a reality. And that's what it is. It's, it's
in the subconscious. And it's a sad fact, you know,
a person, a person is considered to be
rectified inside within himself as long as they can they have good
character, the faculties inside, if they in moderation, if they
are, if they are perfectly tuned, they will then exclude good
character, right, if the person doesn't get angry too much, or
doesn't have to less of an anger to become a coward, for instance,
the person doesn't have to much shower to go and do things haram
or doesn't have to less desire and shower that doesn't even fulfill
the rights of his spouse, or if it's a woman, her spouse, for
instance. So
when these faculties are in moderation, they will
manifest the good character in, in in the person in the body of the
person in the attitude of the person. Now what happens? You
know, some of us never swear, in a normal conversation. Some of us
never swear, some people just can't help it. They in every
sentence, they need to have a swear word, otherwise, they just
don't get the high. Right. And you'll see that you just wonder
why do you have to swear? Right? But it's just I think if you've
gone through it, you understand it's just this feeling of power.
If you don't swear enough, you don't give the big one then it
just doesn't give the impact that you need. And it's a sad case.
Now. Now, I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about a
person whose rhetoric is
swearing, I'm talking about a person who doesn't normally swear.
But when somebody cuts them off at the light, right, or somebody cuts
them off, when driving, for instance, you will stick two
fingers up, right? Or you will swear or you will curse. Now
you're supposed to be a decent person, you know, people consider
you to be decent. But then this comes out in a state of anger. Why
does it come out? And that's what we need to think about today,
because this is very similar to how people divorce. And I have to
speak to men right now, because it's the men who have this divorce
problem, right? Women have a different problem in terms of
requesting or demanding divorce. Right. So there is a different
problem but demanding a divorce. Personally, on the face of it
doesn't seem as extreme and it's not. It's not extreme. It doesn't
have the same kind of implications as a man giving the divorce does
because there it's a request. It's up to the man to oblige or not or
refuse, but when the man does it, it's done. The Hadith of the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, Salah often has
Luhan, aged dunhua were aged Nigerian, which basically means
that there are three things in Islam, three institutions in
Islam, where if you say them seriously, if you mean what you
say if you say them consciously, premeditated, in a premeditated
fashion, they will occur. And even if you say them, without pre
meditating, you say them as a jest as a joke. Even then, they will be
taken seriously because they, they are things not to mess with, and
Nika. Nika what Talaq will a talk. And there's another version, which
says
that there's a difference of opinion about the third one, but
the two things that that are actually the one thing that
relates to us today, the first one is Nica. If two people get
married, right, if two people marry each other, actually, let me
let me not get to this because someone might try it. Because they
actually has people do try this, especially nowadays.
If if a couple get together,
a man and a woman and there's two witnesses, and they say that I
would like to marry you, or I marry you and other purposes, I
accept. It's an ICA. So with a mcru. It's completely undesirable.
It's detested, reprehensible, et cetera, et cetera. But it's an
ICA.
Right? Now, the second one is Talak. If a person says it as a
joke to his wife that I divorce you I'm only joking. It's done.
It's done. You just can't use that. It's not something in fact,
you know, you'd be surprised. There's a couple that called me.
The husband and wife were learning Arabic. You know, maybe an Indian
Pakistani couple, right? In America. They're learning Arabic.
So you know what the guy is practicing on his wife
and the toilet
and the toxic you are divorced.
I mean, can't you find something else? Auntie Habiba? You know,
like your beloved or something like guys like Auntie Tarlac?
I mean, telling me what is that? Isn't that shaytaan trying to
dissolve a family? Right? So what I'm what I'm trying to say here is
that it's a very serious issue. And I'm giving you this example.
So you can understand that it just not something you can play with.
It's not something that should be the going back to the whole thing
about the psychology of swearing even for people who seem decent.
It's the underlying factor. It's when you get angry, it's when
something just suddenly comes up to you that you can't control
yourself.
And that's if we're like that we need to make dua to Allah subhanho
wa Taala that Allah give us control over ourselves Allahumma
one DUA and everybody should read it right now so that at least
you've read it once. And if you can memorize it, Al Hamdulillah
you can read it later. Allahumma lert a kidney Illa, Neff, see
perfetta Iein Oh Allah don't submit myself to myself to my
knifes even for the blink of an eye, but Oh Allah, you be in
control. That's the implication of it. That don't let me Don't let me
become subjugated to my knifes so that basically it makes me do
what's wrong in association with the with the shaytaan.
Some cultures Alhamdulillah in some cultures divorce is not a
it's not something you talk about every day. Right? But there are
some cultures I mean, each culture has its own good things and it
also has you know, it's it's bad things and certain cultures
divorce is like something that's taught that's spoken about every
day. A person is a friend of mine told me this, his he's being
invited somewhere to eat. And you say no, no, I I've eaten I can't
come. He said the person insisted the host insisted the person who
is visiting
The man of the house was insisting that he eats with them.
And he's like, No, I don't want to eat, you know, I'm, I'm full, I'm
done. He said, If you don't eat, my wife is divorced.
Now, what has his wife done wrong?
And seriously, she hasn't done anything wrong. She hasn't done
anything wrong. This is just the culture. This is just the normal
statement. And you know, there are cases where, and obviously, in
that case, because you're a part of that society, you'll say, Okay,
I'll eat something just to make sure you don't break his oath.
Right? It's ridiculous. It's not something to bring on. Because
this, let's say you find some stubborn guy like, I don't care. I
don't care. If your wife gets divorced, it's your problem. And
then he walks out. You're going to chase him for the rest of your
life. If you're if you're going to be concerned about that. It's
ridiculous. It's abuse of women. Right? It's a it's a subconscious
abuse of women. They don't even realize what they're doing. Can
you imagine the wife what she's feeling? Right? It's ridiculous.
It's just something Alhamdulillah it's not in all cultures.
In the time of earlier on time, one of the great scholars, some
people religious, probably marble Hanif and Allah knows best. But
what it is, is that somebody
said to his wife, now, I don't know where he thought this one up
from, it's like, people sit and think, you know, what should I
say? How should I phrase this? So he said to his wife, that
you are divorced, something must have happened, you say you are
divorced, if I cannot perform any particular any, any worship that
nobody else is doing at that time in the entire world.
Unless I can find a worship to do and do it, that nobody else at the
same time is doing then you are divorced. Now. Where did you think
that one up from? Right? Have you lost everything else? You just
exhaust everything else? I mean, come on, man. What's the problem?
So then he regrets it. Because these things I don't know, this
part of the culture or something? I don't know. It's just real
ignorance. Right? Then he regrets it. Now he starts to go and look
for a fatwa. Right? He goes through the different roles. And
everybody's saying, You know what, there's nothing you're solid. If
you're if you're saying it's prayer, there's 1000s of people
praying at the same time, right? If it's a man, there's nothing
going on somewhere in the world somewhere. Right? If it's
reading the Quran, if it's fasting, somebody's doing it
eventually say he came to this great scholar where he was emailed
Bouhanni follow him or somebody else, I'm not sure. And he said,
Okay, fine. I have somebody could have charged him a lot of money
for this. Right. Nowadays, this is what people will do an expert.
I'll find you the loophole, you know, tax expert, but
he said, Go to the haram. Right, go to the Haram Maccha. Right
Masjidul haram, and find a time when nobody's around there, right?
And make it off. Because tawaf that going around the Kaaba.
That's the only thing that can only be done there in that place.
And you know, if somebody is doing it on Jenna excluded, I guess in
this case, right? Don't try this today, though. Right thinking,
well, I've got a way out. Because that's virtually impossible,
unless you can become buddies with the king or something, and he
sought you out. That time, obviously, there were less people
around so they could do that he escaped. But just from this, you
can understand that this is a cultural thing that has been
coming down where you abuse the word of divorce, and it should not
happen, right? Now, of course, at the same time, there are so many
stories that have come to my notice, it's where the wife is
constant, anything small happens, give me a divorce. Right? And that
all that is she doesn't want a divorce. All it is, is just a
statement to pressure the husband. Right? And I tell you something,
that from studies, divorce is a topic that if a couple want to
if a couple want to be together, or let's just say one person wants
to have a successful marriage, and there's a constant request for
divorced from the other side, let's just say a man wants
marriage and as a request for divorce from the other side, even
though the wife really wants to marriage as well. Or if it's the
husband was always threatening divorce,
psychologically, the impact that that will have the way it will
tear at this relationship. The way it will just completely destroy
any good feeling
is just immense. It is a word. It's that magic word. Basically,
it's that dangerous word. It should not be said as a threat or
anything. If I'm not saying that divorce cannot happen, and should
never happen. No, we've been given a way out in Islam. There are
cases in fact, a woman came to Rasul Allah in the Sahaba of the
Allahu Allah kintra Baba SallAllahu sallam, and she said I
have no complaints about my
My husband in terms of his Deen in terms of his character, in terms
of what she meant was in terms of what he does for me as, as a you
know, as a responsible person of the home. He looks after me Well,
I have no complaint in that regard. But I don't want to be
hypocritical in the deen, I have no love for him. I just can't stay
with him in marriage. I'm paraphrasing. So the Prophet
salallahu alayhi salam, he understood the affair. He probably
had heard about the situation or he knew the affair. Some people
who might look at this hadith may, you know, just on the face of it
say, Well, you know, he just don't just Okay, finish it off right
there. And then he he helped them to another marriage? No, I'm sure
that there was a lot of understanding that a promise a lot
of them already had. I mean, he was he was the father of the
community. He was the prophet of the time. He was the teacher he
was everybody's intimate. Everybody's intimate.
Adviser. So obviously, he knew what was going on. So my
assumption Shala is that he knew what was going on. And he said,
Okay, fine, do you? Can you give back to him what he's given you,
in terms of the the Mahara in terms of the dowry? Like, he
basically said, Well, you need to offer something in this regard,
because there's no other grounds for divorce. In this case, it's
something that you just can't stay in the marriage. And that's why
you want it. Now if the husband is ready for it, so the husband
agreed, and then that and then that marriage was dissolved,
right? But that's you don't hear about that happening all the time.
I came, I was, I went to Philadelphia, and I was being
taken from the airport by one of the brothers who was also
attending the conference. And he was taking me back to the airport.
And I just got talking to him and everything. And he seemed an older
kind of person. I said, you're married and everything you said I
was married. But you know, we divorced on on good terms, and all
the rest of it. So felt a bit sorry for the brother who said,
because he spoke very nicely about the person. He said that, you
know, they had a good relationship, but they just
couldn't hack it anymore. Because she had different ideas. He had
different ideas, and they just weren't very compatible. Right.
But it felt like he still had some affection there. So you know, just
out of sympathy for the brother. I said, How many divorces did you
give? He said, I gave one. I said, Well, that's very, I said, that's
good. You can actually get married and he said, You want me to give
the other two said, I said, Hold on, hold on, hold on. I said,
What's the problem here? He said, basically, his eyes, he got the
impression I'm saying that without three divorces, it doesn't really
happen, that they were still married. But basically what it is,
and that's what I'm going to explain right now before I finish
here, because I think this is one of the some basic facts about
divorce, right? Just so that if it ever has to be used, and
unfortunately,
statistics are growing even in the Muslim community, you know, they
increasing the numbers of divorce are increasing. And it's a sad
fact, right?
A lot of people think because there's this whole debate about
three and one, three, and one and one in three, the Trinity.
I'm talking about divorce here, right? This is big debate out
there. Right. So because of that subconsciously, for a lot of
people who are not well learned, it's as if three divorces are the
way to go. One divorce will do the job for you. But they want to give
three for whatever reason somebody came to the Prophet salallahu
Alaihe Salam gave 100 And verse, Allah Some said that you have made
you have you have made a mockery. You have made a mockery by the 97.
As far as the three are concerned, they effected, but with the 97,
you've made a mockery of the institution of marriage. It's a
very, very delicate thing. One, one is one divorce is so potent,
that it suffices you I mean, if there's one very potent tablet,
right that you have to take in you take three what's going to happen.
I mean, obviously, it's different thing completely. But just to give
you an understanding that one divorce is more than sufficient.
In a bad situation. A
lot of people will come to you and they'll say, I gave my wife three
divorces. I was very angry this that on the other. And
I mean, so you ask them, I mean, normally, marriages are given in
anger, and that's the problem. That's what you're supposed to
control. There are three types of divorce, right? One is a
straightforward divorce in plain simple terms, you are divorced, or
I divorce you, right? It's done in the past tense or it's done in the
present, you are divorced, okay, present, continue or divorced.
What that will do is that it will, it will
effect one divorce, the wife will move into the ed the waiting
period, as they call it, three menstruation cycles. But there is
still a semi connection. It's like it's a suspended marriage at this
point until the three periods are over. In this time, the couples
still stay together in the same house though they're not intimate.
But at this time they're trying to reconcile the idea is that they're
trying to reconcile more
Most cases, you're going to have one person not wanting it, the
other person wanting it. So the person who's wanting it is going
to try to do something to attract the other person. Now, if it all
works out and they come together, then there's no need for a
remarriage. There's no need for another Nikka. They just come
together and it's all fine. But the person who's lost one of his
divorces is only has two more left right. Now, in the same instance,
if a person used a more intense form of he used a more intense
form of divorce, which is for example, he said, You are
irrevocably divorced, or I give you a talaga in or a divorce you
and that is the end of it. Right?
That would be a bit open to interpretation, I think, right?
That particular times I take that one back, but he says I give you
an irrevocable divorce, I give you a Talaq back in Arabic, right?
What that would do is that again, it would still be one divorce, but
in this case, different from the first case, the wife would still
have to do her waiting period, and still have to be looked after by
the husband for the three for the three cycles. But in this case,
they can't just come back together without remarrying. Of course,
they can come back together because only one divorce has
occurred yet. They can come together, but they'll have to
remarry, even if it's the next day. So a marriage is necessary in
this case, because it's a more intense form that was articulated
of the divorce. Now, number one or number two, the first one in
Arabic is called Palak. Raji, Raji means returnable revocable, the
second is called by in which is like final, right, so it cuts it
right, there's no suspended marriage left anymore. But both of
these only amount to one divorce. Now, if they get back together, in
the first case, he just gets back together. Now in the first case,
just to clarify, if he finishes the three periods, and they don't
reconcile, then after that, they they can still get back together,
but now they'd have to marry. So in this first case, and in the
talaga, in the second type of divorce, if they get back
together, however, they get back together, they have another
option. So now they're married. He can again give another divorce if
it comes to that, right. Obviously getting back together must have
been must have been given a lot of thought it's it's it's strange
that they have to, you know, go through, they're considering
divorce again. But it can happen again a Tala Kumar return for him
Sercombe my roofing outta Sri Humby son. Now let's just say it
happens again. Again, the second one can be Tala coraggio, talaga.
In, right, it will be two divorces, let's just say they came
back together again, they reconciled either through marriage
or he just revoked, they decided to revoke and reconcile. Now,
there's only one left.
Meaning if another divorce occurs, however, that occurs, whether it's
given straight forward, whether it's given in simple terms or
complicated terms, or whatever it is, as long as it amounts to a
divorce. That is what you call the final point of no return the Talat
mohale Love, right? That is considered the one after which as
Allah says, In Bulaga, Fela Tehila who mean back to 10k has genre
which basically means that now after these first two divorces,
Allah says, right, if he gives her another divorce, then she is not
lawful to come back to him even with marriage, unless she goes and
marries somebody else.
A second husband, another husband, right? The first one will no
longer be a husband, another man. And then he consumed mates with
her. He concentrates the marriage with her that's a condition then
he divorces her then he divorces her.
Only then can is she then free to come back to the first husband.
And that did happen in time the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam
as well, where somebody divorced his wife twice, and then she got
married to another person, and she didn't want to be with him. But
they hadn't consummated the marriage yet. She came to the
Prophet salallahu Salam, she started complaining about him. And
basically she said that he can't perform her her way of expressing
it was that she took the edge of a garment and he said that he's like
this right go hood, but he thought will be Hava. He's like, you know
the
the end of my cloth basically, but that they the other mentioned that
the man had actually children. So maybe she was exaggerating, but
the profit and loss I'm told in a very beautiful way he said in a
very eloquent way. He said no. Had to do key Oh say letter who were
who say letter key that no until you taste his honey and he tastes
your honey. And the honey that he mentioned normally acid is honey.
But he said oh sailor, which is a miniature form of saying it. So
it's like until even if even if that conservation happens to the
minimum, right? That you can ask for kaha that we don't have time
to go into those kind of graphics right now. Right. So we'll see
that
Who were your ducru C'est la Tiki only then. So, what we understand
from that is that that part is necessary only then can they come
back. Why do you want to get it to some people? They do it all in one
go three divorces. Now I know that out there there are fatwas out
there. There is a lot of discussion out there that if you
say three in one go it only amounts to one. This is what's
mentioned it in the fifth question of say it sabich This is mentioned
this is the opinion of
IGNOU Tamia shakerley Simon Potamia Rahima hula and YBNL
Payam. And then there are people today who have taken those two
opinions, but I would like to clarify right. I would like to
clarify that that is not the opinion of any of the format hubs.
Ebro Tamia Rahim Allah though he was a humbly a he was humbly but
this was one of his stuff Arruda with this is one of his isolated
opinions away from the mother hub. So though you will find these
fatwas in,
quite proliferated throughout the Internet and other places, and you
will find people give you that fatwa. But at the end of the day,
right, the majority opinion, the overwhelming majority of opinion,
and the opinion of the format hubs is that three, count as three,
right three, count as three, even in the state of anger, unless the
anger is so extreme that you lose yourself. And after giving them
you don't even know what you'd said, and you have to be reminded
on like convinced that you said it.
Let's, let's look at it from a different perspective. Let's look
at it from this perspective that somebody this happens to and they
go to somebody to give it they get a fatwa, and they go with it. At
the end of the day, you're not going to get any certification
from Allah, whether that is the case or not. Right, in cases of a
bother in cases where things are prohibited, and they should be
made permitted, and they need to be made lawful, you need to go
with the most cautious opinion. Otherwise, you could be in sin for
a long time. Right. Now, of course, for me, that's not our
discussion, I don't want to I don't want to go beyond that in
that case. But what I'm saying is that at the end of the day, a
husband and wife coming together a couple coming together for the
sake of Allah, it needs to be done in a particular way. And
it needs to be done in in the most cautious way. So that the
offsprings that come from that are
Halon, rightful divorce is that destroying factor. So as I said,
going back to the whole square thing that I talked about, it's
not something you entertain, don't even in your moments if if your
spouse, right, I'm talking to brothers and sisters here, if your
spouse has just for you know, after three years of good
marriage, they've started acting up for whatever reason, it could
just be hormone issues, it could just be problem at work, it could
be something else that's just effecting, and that's known, you
have to try to overlook that. But what each of the couples should
try to do is that
you need to score as many points as possible. Right? Before
anything like that happens. So from the beginning of marriage,
both husband and wife need to score enough points with each
other, so that when a rocky time comes along,
then they've got a lot of good things to think about No, no, it's
alright man. You know, there's a lot of this other stuff. It's just
that phase. It's just something it's a lot easier if you're
psychologically, if you're psychologically convinced that
this can you can work it through, it will happen the day you start
thinking I don't need it.
Especially when you have children, you've got all the less reason to
think that way, then it will, you won't have the willpower, you
won't have the will to try to make it work. The reason why dating
fails, for the most part, might people have to date numerous
people before they eventually get tired and say, Okay, fine. This
one kind of seems to work where they can explore one of the
reasons if you look at it 60 years ago, for instance, right? There
wasn't much dating. But there were a lot of marriages, the majority
of people that came together and stay together were married. But
there were a lot less divorces compared to the amount in
relationship to the amount of people that were married. Whereas
if you see today, very few people actually ended up getting married,
because it's all about dating in the beginning, right? And then
even those who do get married, finally, there's actually a lot
more divorce happening today than 60 years ago. So it's like
divorces increased marriage has decreased. Right? Now, one of the
reasons for that is when you're not
yet married, and you're trying each other out, you're as somebody
say you're shacking up together, right? What happens then is that
after the first few after the first few meetings, where you
actually formally and you're all you know, in your best behavior,
because you know, you have to show off your best your best behavior
and conduct but after that, you get me you become informed. You
start joking and you start taking things easy. That's when our
defects begin to show not
Tell me which human being doesn't have defects? Right? Which human
being doesn't have defects, but that's when your defects begin to
show. So then because you're not committed, it's just the data at
the end of the day, you're just trying it out, right? It's just
the, you're not committed to each other. So psychologically, there's
no willpower there to make it work. Well, I'll find somebody
else. Okay, forget it. It's all done. We've seen so many. That's
why I'm not a big fan of long engagements. Because what
engagements do is that they kind of give a kind of pseudo validity
to talking to each other, and interacting. And then if it's a
year long engagement and two years, and I feel sorry for those
guys in that situation, right? What happens in that time is that
you've, you've basically gone through to the other person, you
know, that person, and then you find out what the what the defects
are, instead, like, forget it, by the time the marriage comes along,
forget it. What happens when you're married. And as long as
you've done it in the proper way, following the Sunnah, you've done
your research, you found out about the other person, all the main
important points, and you've got the main things done, and you get
married, then obviously, there's a greater reason to commit and to
try psychologically to try to make it work. So you will try to
resolve the differences, you will try to overcome the rocky moments
that happen and they come and they happen. These are, these are
basic, like two plates of the two continental plates coming
together. And there's enough quick once in a while, right. But at the
end of the day, you have to have the commitment, and subconsciously
Do not ever do not ever be contemplating divorce, if there is
no absolute reason to try to do separation, try to do everything
else. And at the end, if it doesn't work, then there is
divorce. But it's the worst of the lawful things that need to happen.
The border scoring points that I mentioned, that's a constant thing
to constantly try to do for the other person, because marriage is
not about each person trying to
demand the rights of the other rights of the other person. The
idea is to try to do good for the other person. And that's how this
unity will work. And that's where divorce won't come into the
picture. And that's why the promise of Allahu alayhi wa sallam
so beautifully. Again, he says, and I'll finish with this, he said
that if there's something that you will dislike about your spouse,
you know, there's a hook, there's a, an attitude that he or she has,
you know, there's something that they do once in a while that just
cheeses you off, right? That just really turns you off. That really
puts you down. Just focus a demo, just focus on all the other good
things, human being weakness, defects, just focus on all the
other good things, remember the good times, and that's why the
Romans had lost him said that if he disliked some HOLC, Radhiya,
Bihar, okra, he will, he will, he will like others. And that's how
it needs to carry on for those who have had, who who've had or who
may have issues. Allah subhanho wa taala. Grant all of those here who
are married a good, successful, prosperous marriage based on Taqwa
of Allah subhanho wa taala. And those who are not married, Allah
subhanaw taala. Grant them, pious spouse, Allah subhanho wa Taala
give them pious spouse and give us all pious progeny that are
safeguarded. All of us are safeguarded from fitten from
fitna, from trials tribulations and the misuse of this dunya and
Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us and eternal life in general for
those in the hereafter. Now, in closing, I'd like to mention that
obviously, this program incorporates the book launch of
Mufti Mohammed, now Adam's Kitab, his book, The new book,
unfortunately, I haven't been able to read it yet, but I'm sure that
the idea of the book is how to, you know, get a better
understanding of the things that are permitted between the spouse
between the husband and wife. And it's essential guidance, I
believe, especially in today's age, where so many various
different ways of interaction between the genders is is
seen and observed and heard about and spoken about, it's extremely
important to get that guidance to know our limits as to what's
permitted and what's not permitted. And then, inshallah
that should give us a more informed understanding of this
relationship. And hopefully it can help us to
to increase an understanding and the harmony and love between the
couple, Allah subhanho wa Taala grants access to that book and
Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us alto, Fukuoka Dharma and Al hamdu
Lillahi Rabbil Alameen