Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Divorce
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
So now, let me cover
the
the big words on the poster, which, which later I found out
people were not really interested in. But I will explain to you why
you should be interested in divorce.
Because when people saw that, in fact, I started when I used to be
invited to conduct a Nika Nika marriage for a couple. That is a
time when sometimes I used to actually speak about divorce them
about the right way to divorce.
And one of my friends came to me, he says, that's such an
inappropriate time to discuss divorce.
So I stopped for a while. But recently, I've just started again.
And the reason is that most people are getting married without any
idea where they they're not allowed to drive without taking a
course. And that's why in some masjid, they actually don't allow
you to conduct your niqab there unless you've taken a course. And
I think it's in Malaysia, and in some other places where it's
necessary for you to take a marital course fundamentals before
you get married.
Reason is that we are the ones who get all of the questions from
people about divorce. They think three divorces is the way to
divorce. So they just give three divorces, and then say that this
was unknown to me that three divorces is a point of no return.
One divorce is sufficient, more than sufficient, bad enough enough
for you to extract yourself if that's what you want. But at least
if you give one divorce, you can reconcile because you have up to
three shots.
But if you've given all three, then there's an ugly process for
you to come together again. Because any woman who's been
divorced thrice by one husband, she is no longer allowed to marry
that same husband unless she gets married again.
And then that husband divorces her for whatever reason.
After she consumed the marriage with them,
and if they did this as an arrangement, pre conditioned like
okay, you're gonna get you're gonna get married to the husband
says to the previous husband says to this new guy, you're gonna get
married to a consummate the marriage and you're going to
divorce straightaway, then that's Haram as unlawfulness accursed. So
how likely is it then that you can do this properly?
And the men they come and they say, Oh, I didn't know I'm not
very practicing. So I didn't know I thought you had to do this. And
you had to do that. I didn't really mean it.
Generally, the only reason people divorce is because they're
thinking of the word divorce in their mind.
Many people have lots of arguments with their wives, but they never
bring divorce into the word into their word. I believe that the
reason why people utter a divorce is because it's something they've
been contemplating that next time she argues, I'm gonna give her a
divorce. And the way we think next time we have this problem, I'm
going to ask him for a divorce. The husband should not threaten
with divorce, not use the word divorce, and the wife should not
keep asking for the divorce, even if she doesn't mean it, especially
if she doesn't mean it.
So what I want to do today is I want to just go over a basic,
because I want to give you some time for questions as well. Right?
So I want to go over the basic fix of divorce. I don't want it to get
too dry, because some of it is quite complicated. And I don't
want you don't need to know all of it. I just want you to know the
dangerous parts of it. So that at least you can avoid that. Avoid
any problems with that.
A divorce is obviously allowed in Islam. But the prophets Allah wa
salam termed it, he said that out of all of the permissible thing,
this is the worst of the permissible things. So you can use
it sparingly. We're not like Catholics who are not allowed to
divorce at all until death. If they do they get excused. They're
supposed to be excommunicated from the church. Because no proper
Catholic divorces, like you do not it's basically literally till
death you don't part but in Islam is a lot more casual than now that
you can divorce your wife if you mean it. If you can't get along,
divorce your wife move on to somebody else. There's not a
problem with that. I've run into cases where there's a guy he came
to me and says My wife is asking for a divorce. And so I enquired
the whole story, or a lot of the story and I discovered that it was
irreconcilable differences. There's no way she's going to come
back to live with him. She's at her parents house. She doesn't
want to stay with him. He knows that but he's refusing to give a
divorce because he's got a misunderstanding that divorce is
haram to do.
Divorce is not haram. Divorce is just bad.
is permissible, though. But it's just the worst of the permissible
things which only needs to use when absolutely necessary.
Because there's a lot of info
investment in marriages and you don't want to just break them up
here and there. So you can divorce. That's why there's a, a
woman who came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and
she basically said, I can't complain about my husband's deen
or anything. But I dislike to be ungrateful. While I'm in faith.
Like, while being a Muslim while being a Mormon, I don't want to be
ungrateful. Why is she going to be ungrateful because she didn't love
her husband.
She felt that she wouldn't fulfill his rights and give him the due
love and affection and care, because she didn't love him. But
she had no complaints about him, that could happen sometimes. So
then the Prophet saw some understood the situation and he
said to him, now he said to her, that you know, the orchard or
whatever he had given you as your dowry, or whatever it was, would
you give that back to him in lieu for a divorce? And he said, she
said, Yes. So he advised him to do that.
So divorce can take place, it doesn't have to be messy. If you
can't get along, then agree to divorce. It's fine. It's
understandable. But don't use the word divorce for no reason.
A friend of mine whose story that I've said a few times, in some
cultures, they use the word divorce a lot. In some Arab
cultures, in particular, they use the word divorce very casually.
If you don't do this, you are divorced. If you do this, you're
divorced. It's just so many. So he went to a friend's house. And he'd
already eaten. The friend had some food. And he said, Come and eat
with us. He said, No, I don't want to eat I've had I've had my foods.
So insisting. And then he said, If you don't eat, my wife is
divorced.
Now I'm thinking the poor wife, she's listening. She's the one
who's cooked the food, most likely. And then she's being
punished for it. It's crazy, isn't it? Now, if my friend was a
stubborn guy, who's like, I don't want to eat, I'm not gonna eat, I
don't care about your wife, I'm going, then what's he going to do?
Then?
He would be his wife, they would be in a big predicament. So then
my friend he hates. So these are silly things.
They should not be done. Divorce is like fire. You don't bring it
up. unless you're absolutely sure you want to do this
is not something you threaten somebody with because one day it's
going to come out. And the the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he said
that there are three things, which if you say seriously, or if you
say jokingly, they will still be effective. One of them is
marriage. One of them is divorce. So literally, if you have a man
and a Muslim man and a Muslim woman, for example, and two
witnesses, right to witnesses.
And they say basically, I married you. And she said, I accept.
Jokingly, you know, for a placing, they would be married, they would
be religiously married.
You can't joke around with this. And the other one is divorce. Even
if he says I divorced you as a joke. It's done. So by accident,
it's done.
The only time we won't be done is we sat in your seat, we know what
you're saying. Where you became so crazy that you said it and you
don't know what you said. And you don't remember what you said. Then
afterwards, like somebody's gonna say to you just divorce or what do
you mean a divorce? My wife didn't divorce? My wife said, No, that's
what you said. Because, you know, prove it. I didn't say that. Only
then that kind of an anger is, is is an excuse. Otherwise, most
people they divorce in anger anyway, they don't divorce over a
cup of tea. Now, there are two types of divorce.
Human beings we speak and communicate, sometimes literally.
And sometimes we communicate metaphorically using elusive terms
in direct terms.
For example, when it's like can you please bring me a cup of tea?
Can you please bring me some water? The other one is I'm
feeling very thirsty. So I'm dropping you a hint. See the
difference? So in Islam, there are two types of statements as I
mentioned, one other direct statements, you are divorced, I
divorce you. Right? These are clear cut straightforward.
However, sometimes you may say, Get out of here. I don't ever want
to see you again. Did he say divorce here?
But that could be a divorce depending on the context.
Because human beings, they don't always say things directly. They
could say things in a different way, meaning the same thing. Do
you understand? So the Sharia has taken that into consideration and
said that these are what you call Kenia terms Can I can I mean
elusive terms indirect terms. And those in certain contexts will be
considered to be divorce as well. In fact, they will be a worst
divorce because there will be an irreconcilable divorce. Whereas
the straight I divorced you you are divorced. That's a
reconcilable divorce what the difference is
In a
reconcilable or an irreconcilable divorce, is that when a woman gets
divorced, she goes into a semi semi marital status, called the ID
that she has to wait for three menstrual cycles until she can
marry somebody else. The reason for this is primarily to find out
whether she's still pregnant, she is pregnant or not. So if she is
pregnant, she gets divorced. And if she has the child, three days
later, her waiting period finishes, because we know now that
her womb is empty, and she's had the child. But if a woman is not
pregnant, at the time of me, at the time of divorce, you have to
wait for that three months or so three months to complete menstrual
cycles to find out if she is
carrying the baby or not.
But it's also a time for reconciliation. So when you give a
normal divorce, a steady divorce a divorce you, she goes into that
waiting period that it that as they call it, in that time, if
they want to get back together, they feel remorseful, they can
just get back together. And they don't have to remarry. You get
that sofa, they don't have to remarry.
Nobody even has to know. But one divorce would have been used up
out of the three that the husband has, okay.
Now, if it's an irreconcilable divorce, so he called talaga in us
by elusive statements, or if somebody says to his wife, I
divorced you irreconcilably
using an additional term to show that he is more serious that he
wants to give a bigger type of divorce, then, although she still
has to do the waiting period. But the difference is that if they
want to come back together now, they can't just come back
together. They both have to agree and they have to do another
marriage. Another Nikka
Do you understand that's the difference between those two
things. Now, somebody if he gives three of the first type, or three
of the second type, or one and two or two and one, however
combination, once you give three, then it's a point of no return
then as a final divorce, then you have to do Hala, as I explained
before, then you have to marry somebody else for that. You
understand. So now the clear terms, they're quite clear, you
know, I divorce you. Let me give you some of the elusive terms
because a lot of people use them. They don't know they're probably
divorced. In fact, I'll give you an idea that there was a couple
who came to my teachers teacher, and they would constantly come for
their problems.
And on one occasion, he said, You know what, I'm going to refresh
your Nikka I'm going to do another nickel for you. They were
surprised. But he called into witnesses and they did another
Nikka and from that day, mashallah their relationship improved.
Later, what he explained, was that, I realized that sometimes
she would say things that were blasphemous.
Now, when you say something with this is a bit of a different
issue, but it just goes to explain, sometimes she would say
blasphemous things
about Allah maybe without realizing that breaks your faith.
It makes you a Kafir. But the next time you say Allahu Akbar, Allah
Allahu Allah, and the next time you pray, you refresh your faith,
but your marriage which is broken, doesn't get refreshed, because for
that you have to have a ceremony and Nika. So you're living in Zina
without realizing it, you're living not as husband and wife
without realizing it. There's no Barak a blessing. So the problems,
they become even worse, because when you don't have blessing in
your marriage, you got a lot of problems.
Likewise, here, sometimes somebody divorces their wife in a elusive
way, not with direct terms. They don't realize that that was a
divorce, because they don't know.
So there is no Baraka because now they like living in Zina. This is
where it gets really detrimental. So for example,
indirect terms like get out of here.
That's it just get out of here now.
Is that a divorce? You think?
It has two possibilities. Get out of here. We don't want to speak
about this again. Don't bring this issue up again. It could be that
could mean just rejection. But he could also mean get out of here I
want to see you again couldn't mean the two things. So what's
going to determine that? Well, first thing if he's got an
intention, that I mean by that divorce anyway, like get our
diamond divorce, then between him and Allah, that is a divorce.
But because there's the option that it could be like, we don't we
don't want to discuss get out of you. I'm just angry right now. I
don't want to speak to you right now. Because it could be that so
if there's no intention, it doesn't have to be a divorce.
Number one, you say to your wife, you're nothing.
You are nothing. What does that mean?
Could that be divorced?
It could be your nothing. Now, you don't have a husband anymore.
You're nothing now. But it could also mean that you're just
insulting her. You're nothing man.
Do you understand? Again, you need an intention or a particular
circumstance for that to be divorced, that could be a divorce.
In some cases, if you intend it, it's a divorce.
Now, number one, you're free. You are free now.
Could that be a divorce? It could be because you're saying you're
free. Now you don't have a husband anymore, you're free to do
whatever you want. Or the other one is, you're a free woman. Look,
if you want to do that, that's up to you. It doesn't have to be
about divorce, you're a free woman, you got the right to do
what you want.
Do you understand? So that's why you should avoid these kinds of
statements. I just I'm mentioning them to I'll mention to you. I
can't go into this in too much details. Because it's quite
complicated, where you can wait for the book to come out. And you
can read about it if you want. But I'm going to give to you all the
words that you should be careful off some UK terms, because some of
them are a bit slang, colloquial. And some of us terms I don't know
about no Norwegian term, so I can't but you can maybe understand
from this. Get out. Get out of here. Get lost, Go, leave,
disappear, exit move from here, cover yourself up. Now. Why should
you cover yourself up, I'm your husband. Now because I'm no longer
your husband. So it could be a divorce in that sense.
Put your hijab on, I never want to see you. I never want to see your
face. That's an American one. I don't want to see your face. In
England, we don't use that. Get out of my face again. US scram,
scram, as they say, in America, right?
Those ones, you could have two possibilities. It could mean we
don't want to discuss this, just get out of here, I need my time,
no divorce, or that, you know, do all of these things because it is
a divorce. So you need an intention for this. If there's no
intention, then no divorce will occur in this. Alright. So if
there's no intention in any of these, you know, get out, get out
of here get lost the there will be no divorce. But if your husband
has an intention, then this will be a divorce.
The second category are those words, which can be used as an
insult,
you know, to the wife. But it can also refer that you mean that
you're divorced, for example, you're alone,
you're alone, which means you're alone now.
Now, you could either say that to your wife, you're alone, or you
don't have any friends, and you always want me to be with you. And
you don't make your own activities, you could mean that as
an insult. Or it could also mean you're alone. And now that you
have not even a husband anymore. Another one, you are nothing, you
are nothing. You are separated. You're done. You're You're through
this as an American, you're through, you're done. So again, in
these
in most cases, you will need an intention. But in some cases,
if you're discussing divorce, and then you say these words, it could
even be a divorce without an intention.
The third set of terms I let you define them, we are finished. You
are free woman I have freed you, you are on your own. You are
released. Do your ADA.
I have released you I am separated from You were through it's over.
What do you think of those? And they like, if somebody asked for a
divorce, you would say this? These are the most dangerous terms.
These are the most dangerous because they more than anything
else
imply that you are divorcing your wife. So avoid these terms. We are
finished. Unless you're saying you clearly it's a normal discuss that
we finished this discussion or don't let's not bring it up again.
You know, you can obviously tell. But if you're talking about
divorce and say we're finished, or you're free to you're free to go,
you're free woman I freed you, you're on your own, you're
released, do your eat the right, I'm separated with through it's
over, then that that that could be a divorce. So
I know this was very brief.
But the rules are very complicated. Just the main thing I
want to warn you about is that just be careful about what you
say. And the main advice is that just keep divorce out of your
mind. Don't put it in your subconscious, so you won't slip
out one day. And if you really want a divorce, then do it
properly. And just give one divorce and that would be more
than enough. Because then at least you'd have two more options
afterwards. May Allah subhanaw taala give us the trophy. May
Allah protect us may Allah benefit our marriages and may Allah give
us prosperous marriages and prosperous Chile.
Drum and grant us prosperous life in the hereafter in sha Allah with
bliss engine