Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Divorce

Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera
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The speakers discuss the dangerous aspects of divorce in various cultures, including the danger of causing problems and the importance of avoiding divorce in certain cultures. They also discuss the differences between divorce and divorce in relationships, including the process of waiting until three menstrual cycles before marriage. The speakers emphasize the need to avoid divorce in certain cultures and encourage people to avoid it.

AI: Summary ©

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			So now, let me cover
		
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			the
		
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			the big words on the poster,
which, which later I found out
		
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			people were not really interested
in. But I will explain to you why
		
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			you should be interested in
divorce.
		
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			Because when people saw that, in
fact, I started when I used to be
		
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			invited to conduct a Nika Nika
marriage for a couple. That is a
		
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			time when sometimes I used to
actually speak about divorce them
		
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			about the right way to divorce.
		
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			And one of my friends came to me,
he says, that's such an
		
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			inappropriate time to discuss
divorce.
		
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			So I stopped for a while. But
recently, I've just started again.
		
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			And the reason is that most people
are getting married without any
		
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			idea where they they're not
allowed to drive without taking a
		
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			course. And that's why in some
masjid, they actually don't allow
		
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			you to conduct your niqab there
unless you've taken a course. And
		
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			I think it's in Malaysia, and in
some other places where it's
		
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			necessary for you to take a
marital course fundamentals before
		
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			you get married.
		
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			Reason is that we are the ones who
get all of the questions from
		
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			people about divorce. They think
three divorces is the way to
		
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			divorce. So they just give three
divorces, and then say that this
		
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			was unknown to me that three
divorces is a point of no return.
		
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			One divorce is sufficient, more
than sufficient, bad enough enough
		
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			for you to extract yourself if
that's what you want. But at least
		
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			if you give one divorce, you can
reconcile because you have up to
		
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			three shots.
		
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			But if you've given all three,
then there's an ugly process for
		
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			you to come together again.
Because any woman who's been
		
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			divorced thrice by one husband,
she is no longer allowed to marry
		
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			that same husband unless she gets
married again.
		
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			And then that husband divorces her
for whatever reason.
		
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			After she consumed the marriage
with them,
		
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			and if they did this as an
arrangement, pre conditioned like
		
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			okay, you're gonna get you're
gonna get married to the husband
		
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			says to the previous husband says
to this new guy, you're gonna get
		
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			married to a consummate the
marriage and you're going to
		
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			divorce straightaway, then that's
Haram as unlawfulness accursed. So
		
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			how likely is it then that you can
do this properly?
		
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			And the men they come and they
say, Oh, I didn't know I'm not
		
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			very practicing. So I didn't know
I thought you had to do this. And
		
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			you had to do that. I didn't
really mean it.
		
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			Generally, the only reason people
divorce is because they're
		
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			thinking of the word divorce in
their mind.
		
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			Many people have lots of arguments
with their wives, but they never
		
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			bring divorce into the word into
their word. I believe that the
		
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			reason why people utter a divorce
is because it's something they've
		
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			been contemplating that next time
she argues, I'm gonna give her a
		
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			divorce. And the way we think next
time we have this problem, I'm
		
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			going to ask him for a divorce.
The husband should not threaten
		
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			with divorce, not use the word
divorce, and the wife should not
		
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			keep asking for the divorce, even
if she doesn't mean it, especially
		
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			if she doesn't mean it.
		
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			So what I want to do today is I
want to just go over a basic,
		
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			because I want to give you some
time for questions as well. Right?
		
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			So I want to go over the basic fix
of divorce. I don't want it to get
		
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			too dry, because some of it is
quite complicated. And I don't
		
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			want you don't need to know all of
it. I just want you to know the
		
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			dangerous parts of it. So that at
least you can avoid that. Avoid
		
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			any problems with that.
		
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			A divorce is obviously allowed in
Islam. But the prophets Allah wa
		
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			salam termed it, he said that out
of all of the permissible thing,
		
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			this is the worst of the
permissible things. So you can use
		
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			it sparingly. We're not like
Catholics who are not allowed to
		
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			divorce at all until death. If
they do they get excused. They're
		
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			supposed to be excommunicated from
the church. Because no proper
		
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			Catholic divorces, like you do not
it's basically literally till
		
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			death you don't part but in Islam
is a lot more casual than now that
		
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			you can divorce your wife if you
mean it. If you can't get along,
		
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			divorce your wife move on to
somebody else. There's not a
		
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			problem with that. I've run into
cases where there's a guy he came
		
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			to me and says My wife is asking
for a divorce. And so I enquired
		
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			the whole story, or a lot of the
story and I discovered that it was
		
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			irreconcilable differences.
There's no way she's going to come
		
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			back to live with him. She's at
her parents house. She doesn't
		
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			want to stay with him. He knows
that but he's refusing to give a
		
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			divorce because he's got a
misunderstanding that divorce is
		
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			haram to do.
		
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			Divorce is not haram. Divorce is
just bad.
		
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			is permissible, though. But it's
just the worst of the permissible
		
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			things which only needs to use
when absolutely necessary.
		
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			Because there's a lot of info
		
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			investment in marriages and you
don't want to just break them up
		
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			here and there. So you can
divorce. That's why there's a, a
		
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			woman who came to the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and
		
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			she basically said, I can't
complain about my husband's deen
		
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			or anything. But I dislike to be
ungrateful. While I'm in faith.
		
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			Like, while being a Muslim while
being a Mormon, I don't want to be
		
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			ungrateful. Why is she going to be
ungrateful because she didn't love
		
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			her husband.
		
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			She felt that she wouldn't fulfill
his rights and give him the due
		
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			love and affection and care,
because she didn't love him. But
		
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			she had no complaints about him,
that could happen sometimes. So
		
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			then the Prophet saw some
understood the situation and he
		
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			said to him, now he said to her,
that you know, the orchard or
		
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			whatever he had given you as your
dowry, or whatever it was, would
		
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			you give that back to him in lieu
for a divorce? And he said, she
		
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			said, Yes. So he advised him to do
that.
		
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			So divorce can take place, it
doesn't have to be messy. If you
		
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			can't get along, then agree to
divorce. It's fine. It's
		
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			understandable. But don't use the
word divorce for no reason.
		
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			A friend of mine whose story that
I've said a few times, in some
		
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			cultures, they use the word
divorce a lot. In some Arab
		
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			cultures, in particular, they use
the word divorce very casually.
		
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			If you don't do this, you are
divorced. If you do this, you're
		
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			divorced. It's just so many. So he
went to a friend's house. And he'd
		
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			already eaten. The friend had some
food. And he said, Come and eat
		
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			with us. He said, No, I don't want
to eat I've had I've had my foods.
		
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			So insisting. And then he said, If
you don't eat, my wife is
		
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			divorced.
		
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			Now I'm thinking the poor wife,
she's listening. She's the one
		
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			who's cooked the food, most
likely. And then she's being
		
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			punished for it. It's crazy, isn't
it? Now, if my friend was a
		
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			stubborn guy, who's like, I don't
want to eat, I'm not gonna eat, I
		
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			don't care about your wife, I'm
going, then what's he going to do?
		
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			Then?
		
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			He would be his wife, they would
be in a big predicament. So then
		
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			my friend he hates. So these are
silly things.
		
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			They should not be done. Divorce
is like fire. You don't bring it
		
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			up. unless you're absolutely sure
you want to do this
		
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			is not something you threaten
somebody with because one day it's
		
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			going to come out. And the the
Prophet sallallahu sallam, he said
		
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			that there are three things, which
if you say seriously, or if you
		
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			say jokingly, they will still be
effective. One of them is
		
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			marriage. One of them is divorce.
So literally, if you have a man
		
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			and a Muslim man and a Muslim
woman, for example, and two
		
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			witnesses, right to witnesses.
		
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			And they say basically, I married
you. And she said, I accept.
		
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			Jokingly, you know, for a placing,
they would be married, they would
		
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			be religiously married.
		
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			You can't joke around with this.
And the other one is divorce. Even
		
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			if he says I divorced you as a
joke. It's done. So by accident,
		
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			it's done.
		
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			The only time we won't be done is
we sat in your seat, we know what
		
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			you're saying. Where you became so
crazy that you said it and you
		
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			don't know what you said. And you
don't remember what you said. Then
		
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			afterwards, like somebody's gonna
say to you just divorce or what do
		
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			you mean a divorce? My wife didn't
divorce? My wife said, No, that's
		
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			what you said. Because, you know,
prove it. I didn't say that. Only
		
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			then that kind of an anger is, is
is an excuse. Otherwise, most
		
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			people they divorce in anger
anyway, they don't divorce over a
		
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			cup of tea. Now, there are two
types of divorce.
		
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			Human beings we speak and
communicate, sometimes literally.
		
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			And sometimes we communicate
metaphorically using elusive terms
		
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			in direct terms.
		
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			For example, when it's like can
you please bring me a cup of tea?
		
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			Can you please bring me some
water? The other one is I'm
		
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			feeling very thirsty. So I'm
dropping you a hint. See the
		
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			difference? So in Islam, there are
two types of statements as I
		
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			mentioned, one other direct
statements, you are divorced, I
		
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			divorce you. Right? These are
clear cut straightforward.
		
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			However, sometimes you may say,
Get out of here. I don't ever want
		
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			to see you again. Did he say
divorce here?
		
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			But that could be a divorce
depending on the context.
		
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			Because human beings, they don't
always say things directly. They
		
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			could say things in a different
way, meaning the same thing. Do
		
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			you understand? So the Sharia has
taken that into consideration and
		
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			said that these are what you call
Kenia terms Can I can I mean
		
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			elusive terms indirect terms. And
those in certain contexts will be
		
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			considered to be divorce as well.
In fact, they will be a worst
		
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			divorce because there will be an
irreconcilable divorce. Whereas
		
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			the straight I divorced you you
are divorced. That's a
		
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			reconcilable divorce what the
difference is
		
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			In a
		
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			reconcilable or an irreconcilable
divorce, is that when a woman gets
		
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			divorced, she goes into a semi
semi marital status, called the ID
		
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			that she has to wait for three
menstrual cycles until she can
		
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			marry somebody else. The reason
for this is primarily to find out
		
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			whether she's still pregnant, she
is pregnant or not. So if she is
		
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			pregnant, she gets divorced. And
if she has the child, three days
		
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			later, her waiting period
finishes, because we know now that
		
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			her womb is empty, and she's had
the child. But if a woman is not
		
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			pregnant, at the time of me, at
the time of divorce, you have to
		
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			wait for that three months or so
three months to complete menstrual
		
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			cycles to find out if she is
		
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			carrying the baby or not.
		
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			But it's also a time for
reconciliation. So when you give a
		
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			normal divorce, a steady divorce a
divorce you, she goes into that
		
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			waiting period that it that as
they call it, in that time, if
		
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			they want to get back together,
they feel remorseful, they can
		
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			just get back together. And they
don't have to remarry. You get
		
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			that sofa, they don't have to
remarry.
		
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			Nobody even has to know. But one
divorce would have been used up
		
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			out of the three that the husband
has, okay.
		
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			Now, if it's an irreconcilable
divorce, so he called talaga in us
		
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			by elusive statements, or if
somebody says to his wife, I
		
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			divorced you irreconcilably
		
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			using an additional term to show
that he is more serious that he
		
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			wants to give a bigger type of
divorce, then, although she still
		
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			has to do the waiting period. But
the difference is that if they
		
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			want to come back together now,
they can't just come back
		
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			together. They both have to agree
and they have to do another
		
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			marriage. Another Nikka
		
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			Do you understand that's the
difference between those two
		
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			things. Now, somebody if he gives
three of the first type, or three
		
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			of the second type, or one and two
or two and one, however
		
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			combination, once you give three,
then it's a point of no return
		
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			then as a final divorce, then you
have to do Hala, as I explained
		
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			before, then you have to marry
somebody else for that. You
		
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			understand. So now the clear
terms, they're quite clear, you
		
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			know, I divorce you. Let me give
you some of the elusive terms
		
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			because a lot of people use them.
They don't know they're probably
		
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			divorced. In fact, I'll give you
an idea that there was a couple
		
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			who came to my teachers teacher,
and they would constantly come for
		
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			their problems.
		
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			And on one occasion, he said, You
know what, I'm going to refresh
		
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			your Nikka I'm going to do another
nickel for you. They were
		
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			surprised. But he called into
witnesses and they did another
		
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			Nikka and from that day, mashallah
their relationship improved.
		
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			Later, what he explained, was
that, I realized that sometimes
		
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			she would say things that were
blasphemous.
		
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			Now, when you say something with
this is a bit of a different
		
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			issue, but it just goes to
explain, sometimes she would say
		
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			blasphemous things
		
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			about Allah maybe without
realizing that breaks your faith.
		
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			It makes you a Kafir. But the next
time you say Allahu Akbar, Allah
		
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			Allahu Allah, and the next time
you pray, you refresh your faith,
		
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			but your marriage which is broken,
doesn't get refreshed, because for
		
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			that you have to have a ceremony
and Nika. So you're living in Zina
		
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			without realizing it, you're
living not as husband and wife
		
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			without realizing it. There's no
Barak a blessing. So the problems,
		
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			they become even worse, because
when you don't have blessing in
		
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			your marriage, you got a lot of
problems.
		
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			Likewise, here, sometimes somebody
divorces their wife in a elusive
		
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			way, not with direct terms. They
don't realize that that was a
		
00:13:49 --> 00:13:51
			divorce, because they don't know.
		
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			So there is no Baraka because now
they like living in Zina. This is
		
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			where it gets really detrimental.
So for example,
		
00:14:02 --> 00:14:05
			indirect terms like get out of
here.
		
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			That's it just get out of here
now.
		
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			Is that a divorce? You think?
		
00:14:12 --> 00:14:15
			It has two possibilities. Get out
of here. We don't want to speak
		
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			about this again. Don't bring this
issue up again. It could be that
		
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			could mean just rejection. But he
could also mean get out of here I
		
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			want to see you again couldn't
mean the two things. So what's
		
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			going to determine that? Well,
first thing if he's got an
		
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			intention, that I mean by that
divorce anyway, like get our
		
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			diamond divorce, then between him
and Allah, that is a divorce.
		
00:14:37 --> 00:14:40
			But because there's the option
that it could be like, we don't we
		
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			don't want to discuss get out of
you. I'm just angry right now. I
		
00:14:43 --> 00:14:46
			don't want to speak to you right
now. Because it could be that so
		
00:14:46 --> 00:14:48
			if there's no intention, it
doesn't have to be a divorce.
		
00:14:49 --> 00:14:52
			Number one, you say to your wife,
you're nothing.
		
00:14:54 --> 00:14:56
			You are nothing. What does that
mean?
		
00:14:57 --> 00:14:58
			Could that be divorced?
		
00:15:01 --> 00:15:04
			It could be your nothing. Now, you
don't have a husband anymore.
		
00:15:04 --> 00:15:06
			You're nothing now. But it could
also mean that you're just
		
00:15:06 --> 00:15:08
			insulting her. You're nothing man.
		
00:15:10 --> 00:15:12
			Do you understand? Again, you need
an intention or a particular
		
00:15:12 --> 00:15:15
			circumstance for that to be
divorced, that could be a divorce.
		
00:15:15 --> 00:15:18
			In some cases, if you intend it,
it's a divorce.
		
00:15:19 --> 00:15:23
			Now, number one, you're free. You
are free now.
		
00:15:24 --> 00:15:27
			Could that be a divorce? It could
be because you're saying you're
		
00:15:27 --> 00:15:29
			free. Now you don't have a husband
anymore, you're free to do
		
00:15:29 --> 00:15:32
			whatever you want. Or the other
one is, you're a free woman. Look,
		
00:15:32 --> 00:15:35
			if you want to do that, that's up
to you. It doesn't have to be
		
00:15:35 --> 00:15:37
			about divorce, you're a free
woman, you got the right to do
		
00:15:37 --> 00:15:38
			what you want.
		
00:15:39 --> 00:15:43
			Do you understand? So that's why
you should avoid these kinds of
		
00:15:43 --> 00:15:48
			statements. I just I'm mentioning
them to I'll mention to you. I
		
00:15:48 --> 00:15:51
			can't go into this in too much
details. Because it's quite
		
00:15:51 --> 00:15:54
			complicated, where you can wait
for the book to come out. And you
		
00:15:54 --> 00:15:57
			can read about it if you want. But
I'm going to give to you all the
		
00:15:57 --> 00:16:02
			words that you should be careful
off some UK terms, because some of
		
00:16:02 --> 00:16:06
			them are a bit slang, colloquial.
And some of us terms I don't know
		
00:16:06 --> 00:16:09
			about no Norwegian term, so I
can't but you can maybe understand
		
00:16:09 --> 00:16:16
			from this. Get out. Get out of
here. Get lost, Go, leave,
		
00:16:16 --> 00:16:22
			disappear, exit move from here,
cover yourself up. Now. Why should
		
00:16:22 --> 00:16:26
			you cover yourself up, I'm your
husband. Now because I'm no longer
		
00:16:26 --> 00:16:28
			your husband. So it could be a
divorce in that sense.
		
00:16:29 --> 00:16:34
			Put your hijab on, I never want to
see you. I never want to see your
		
00:16:34 --> 00:16:37
			face. That's an American one. I
don't want to see your face. In
		
00:16:37 --> 00:16:41
			England, we don't use that. Get
out of my face again. US scram,
		
00:16:42 --> 00:16:45
			scram, as they say, in America,
right?
		
00:16:46 --> 00:16:51
			Those ones, you could have two
possibilities. It could mean we
		
00:16:51 --> 00:16:54
			don't want to discuss this, just
get out of here, I need my time,
		
00:16:54 --> 00:16:58
			no divorce, or that, you know, do
all of these things because it is
		
00:16:58 --> 00:17:02
			a divorce. So you need an
intention for this. If there's no
		
00:17:02 --> 00:17:05
			intention, then no divorce will
occur in this. Alright. So if
		
00:17:05 --> 00:17:08
			there's no intention in any of
these, you know, get out, get out
		
00:17:08 --> 00:17:12
			of here get lost the there will be
no divorce. But if your husband
		
00:17:12 --> 00:17:14
			has an intention, then this will
be a divorce.
		
00:17:15 --> 00:17:18
			The second category are those
words, which can be used as an
		
00:17:18 --> 00:17:19
			insult,
		
00:17:20 --> 00:17:24
			you know, to the wife. But it can
also refer that you mean that
		
00:17:24 --> 00:17:26
			you're divorced, for example,
you're alone,
		
00:17:28 --> 00:17:30
			you're alone, which means you're
alone now.
		
00:17:31 --> 00:17:34
			Now, you could either say that to
your wife, you're alone, or you
		
00:17:34 --> 00:17:37
			don't have any friends, and you
always want me to be with you. And
		
00:17:37 --> 00:17:41
			you don't make your own
activities, you could mean that as
		
00:17:41 --> 00:17:43
			an insult. Or it could also mean
you're alone. And now that you
		
00:17:43 --> 00:17:48
			have not even a husband anymore.
Another one, you are nothing, you
		
00:17:48 --> 00:17:54
			are nothing. You are separated.
You're done. You're You're through
		
00:17:54 --> 00:17:57
			this as an American, you're
through, you're done. So again, in
		
00:17:57 --> 00:17:58
			these
		
00:17:59 --> 00:18:04
			in most cases, you will need an
intention. But in some cases,
		
00:18:05 --> 00:18:10
			if you're discussing divorce, and
then you say these words, it could
		
00:18:10 --> 00:18:13
			even be a divorce without an
intention.
		
00:18:15 --> 00:18:21
			The third set of terms I let you
define them, we are finished. You
		
00:18:21 --> 00:18:27
			are free woman I have freed you,
you are on your own. You are
		
00:18:27 --> 00:18:29
			released. Do your ADA.
		
00:18:31 --> 00:18:36
			I have released you I am separated
from You were through it's over.
		
00:18:38 --> 00:18:43
			What do you think of those? And
they like, if somebody asked for a
		
00:18:43 --> 00:18:48
			divorce, you would say this? These
are the most dangerous terms.
		
00:18:49 --> 00:18:52
			These are the most dangerous
because they more than anything
		
00:18:52 --> 00:18:53
			else
		
00:18:54 --> 00:18:58
			imply that you are divorcing your
wife. So avoid these terms. We are
		
00:18:58 --> 00:19:02
			finished. Unless you're saying you
clearly it's a normal discuss that
		
00:19:02 --> 00:19:05
			we finished this discussion or
don't let's not bring it up again.
		
00:19:05 --> 00:19:07
			You know, you can obviously tell.
But if you're talking about
		
00:19:07 --> 00:19:12
			divorce and say we're finished, or
you're free to you're free to go,
		
00:19:12 --> 00:19:15
			you're free woman I freed you,
you're on your own, you're
		
00:19:15 --> 00:19:19
			released, do your eat the right,
I'm separated with through it's
		
00:19:19 --> 00:19:24
			over, then that that that could be
a divorce. So
		
00:19:26 --> 00:19:27
			I know this was very brief.
		
00:19:28 --> 00:19:32
			But the rules are very
complicated. Just the main thing I
		
00:19:32 --> 00:19:35
			want to warn you about is that
just be careful about what you
		
00:19:35 --> 00:19:38
			say. And the main advice is that
just keep divorce out of your
		
00:19:38 --> 00:19:41
			mind. Don't put it in your
subconscious, so you won't slip
		
00:19:41 --> 00:19:44
			out one day. And if you really
want a divorce, then do it
		
00:19:44 --> 00:19:47
			properly. And just give one
divorce and that would be more
		
00:19:47 --> 00:19:49
			than enough. Because then at least
you'd have two more options
		
00:19:49 --> 00:19:53
			afterwards. May Allah subhanaw
taala give us the trophy. May
		
00:19:53 --> 00:19:57
			Allah protect us may Allah benefit
our marriages and may Allah give
		
00:19:57 --> 00:19:59
			us prosperous marriages and
prosperous Chile.
		
00:20:00 --> 00:20:03
			Drum and grant us prosperous life
in the hereafter in sha Allah with
		
00:20:03 --> 00:20:04
			bliss engine